Aug 31 2011 Nobody Ever Said, "When I Die, I Want To Be Dissolved" -- That is, UNTIL NOW!!!!1

"...he was here a minute ago."

When you go how do you want your body finished off? I used to want to be shot out of a cannon but now I'm thinking I wanna be fed to sharks to kick off Shark Week one year. Pretty cool, right? "Whatever, just as long as you're dead." Damn you know how to make a guy feel good! You should consider hookin'. Enter alkaline hydrolysis: a means of dissolving a body with pressure and a strong alkaline. It's not a new concept (links to an old Geekologie article on the same subject so you look stupid when you start yelling, "this shit is f***in' old news, homey!" in the comments), just one that's gaining steam ashes with the environmental crowd since one was recently installed in a Florida funeral home. Florida: unsurprisingly on top of funeral home technology.

The makers claim the process produces a third less greenhouse gas than cremation, uses a seventh of the energy, and allows for the complete separation of dental amalgam for safe disposal.

The system works by submerging the body in a solution of water and potassium hydroxide which is pressurised to 10 atmospheres and heated to 180C for between two-and-a-half and three hours.

Body tissue is dissolved and the liquid poured into the municipal water system. Mr Sullivan, a biochemist by training, says tests have proven the effluent is sterile and contains no DNA, and poses no environmental risk.

The bones are then removed from the unit and processed in a "cremulator", the same machine that is used to crush bone fragments following cremation into ash. Metals including mercury and artificial joints and implants are safely recovered.

"Body tissue is dissolved and the liquid is poured into the municipal water system." Haha -- I guarantee people are gonna freak out about that. Also, if they found out how often I pee in the sink. "How often do you pee in the sink, GW?" Never -- I save it in bags and pour it directly into the water tower when I'm up there tagging.

Hit the jump for a video demonstration day in the life of a body dissolver.

Continue Reading " Nobody Ever Said, "When I Die, I Want To Be Dissolved" -- That is, UNTIL NOW!!!!1 "

Aug 31 2011 'Fallout: Nuka Break' Becomes Web Series

Remember that impressive Fallout fan-film from a couple months ago. I do. Does that make me special? No. Spending four years in a lead-painted crib made me special. *trying to lick ear* Well the short was so successful they deciding to turn it into a web series. And the video of me ranting about government conspiracies with a grocery bag over my head? Now that -- that was a flop. KEEP IGNORING THE TRUTH -- YOU'LL SEE!

Hit the jump for ten minutes of wasteland RPGing. But, warning: there's a ghoul in the crew.

Continue Reading " 'Fallout: Nuka Break' Becomes Web Series "

Aug 31 2011 The Ruskies Are Coming!: Russia Approves Bering Strait Underwater Tunnel To Alaska

Russia just approved a 62-mile high-speed railway tunnel that will connect Soviet Russia and Alaska. Why? I have no idea, but if premium vodka prices mysteriously bottom out here in the U.S., well, I'd be okay with that.

The Russian government has given the go-ahead on an ambitious new tunnel project that could connect Siberia with Alaska via an underground rail line. If completed, the $65 billion project will be the longest underwater tunnel in the world, besting the Chunnel between England and France by twice the distance. The planned course would stretch over 65 miles and would snake beneath the Big and Little Diomede Islands.

Aside from being a civil engineering marvel, the tunnel would also provide an efficient way to move 100 million tons of freight per year. In addition, the tunnel could provide an easy transmission route for electricity developed by tidal energy stations and wind plants in Russia to Alaska and Canada. In addition, the rail system would complete a high-speed network that could stretch from London to New York City.

There's currently no plan for passenger travel through the tunnel, so if you're looking to cross the Strait, you're still gonna have to do it the old fashioned way: in the hollowed out belly of a frozen elk carcass. Trust me, I took social studies.

Road Trip! Russia approves tunnel to Alaska under Bering Strait [autoblog]

Thanks to JGD, who tried to get the permits to be shot out of a cannon across the Bering Strait and Russia was all "GO FOR IT, BROSKI!" but America was all, "hmm, I dunno...". LAME.

Aug 31 2011 The Definitive 'Playing A Game While Riding Splash Mountain' Souvenir Photo

You might have won this round, but as soon as I figure out how to disguise a horse as a human and train it to not shit while we make our way through the queue line then IT. IS. ON. That's right, I'm going for the polo. No, no I'm not. But I will eat six hotdogs and try to vom right when the flash goes off.

Note: God has really not been feeling me lately and is determined to make this one of the worst weeks of recent life. Blogging from phone because the internet's out and my car exploded during a stunt.

Picture [geeks.thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Clark, who claims to have snuck in an entire desktop computer in the mid-90's and played Rollercoaster Tycoon while riding a rollercoaster but didn't have the money to pay for the commemorative photo. Uh-oh -- no photo, no credit, those are the rules!

Aug 31 2011 Oh Great: George Lucas Is Still 'Tweaking' (Read: F***ing With) Original Star Wars Trilogy

George 'Dicksforbrains' Lucas, everybody!

Because George Lucas refuses to admit that, unlike wine, he's actually getting way way way shittier with age, he's decided to continue tweaking the original Star Wars trilogy for its release on Blu-Ray. What's he up to now? Read the whole story over at IWatchStuff and find out. Then, let's develop a plan to put a stop to this nonsense. I'm thinking something involving, how should I say this, fireworks. "You mean a bomb?" You said it, not me!

Continue full coverage over at IWatchStuff.

Aug 31 2011 Facebook Costs US Employers $280B Yearly

According to some numbers made up by some guy, Facebook use costs US employers around $280-billion anally. Hey, I was just as shocked as you were -- there are asses involved. Also, only 7-minutes? LOLOLOL! You can visit guy's website for a more thorough explanation of the breakdown but it's really anybody's guess (I guess a fifty zillion!) as to just how badly Facebook affects work productivity. Geekologie? Geekologie costs employers almost $200 a year. "That....sounds high." Ouch. :'(' ' 0

Facebook Costs US Employers $28,000,000,000 per year [thefitzpatrick]
via
Facebook Costs US Employers $280,000,000,000 Per Year [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Josh, who's convinced cat videos are the REAL problem here.

Aug 31 2011 China: Let's Trap An Asteroid In Earth's Orbit And Mine It. GW: Don't And Say We Did?

China is considering temporarily capturing an asteroid in earth's orbit and then mining it for all it's valuable metals. Me? I say we invent hoverboards first, THEN start mining asteroids. That way, when the asteroid does wind up destroying earth, we can at least all die happy.

...seem fairly optimistic that they could tweak the orbit of a near-Earth asteroid by just enough (a change in velocity of only about 1,300 feet-per-second or so) to get it to temporarily enter Earth orbit at about twice the distance as the Moon. The orbit would be unstable, and eventually (after a few years) the asteroid would head back out into space from whence it came, but it would stick there long enough for us to poke around on it.

While the Chinese are likely going to start small (the prime candidate right now is a 30-foot-wide rock), they're thinking bigger. Much bigger. Like, over a mile bigger, since a metallic asteroid that size would be worth an absolutely staggering amount of money. Now, were something to get screwed up and that mile-wide metallic asteroid hit Earth instead, we'd be looking at something like a 24-mile-wide crater and a fireball so large that trees 200 miles away would spontaneously burst into flames...

There's speculation that mining an asteroid a mile-wide could be worth something to the tune of 25-trillion dollars. That's a 25 followed by like *Wikipedia's 'trillion', gets confused* a LOT of 0's afterward. And you know what else has a lot of zeros following them? The Kardashians on Twitter. DAMMIT TWEENS.

Chinese want to capture an asteroid into Earth's orbit [dvice]

Thanks to Pescada, who's played Asteroids at the arcade before and can tell you it's not as easy as it looks.

Aug 31 2011 Look Out Batboat, There's A New Stealth Boat In Town! (Or, Okay, International Waters)

Seen here looking suspiciously like the Batamaran (see what I did there? I combined bat and catamaran) I drew for part of my Bat-fan fiction (I'm doing it again!) graphic novel, Juliet Marine's 'Ghost' stealth boat makes an appearance off the coast of New England. It floats on a layer of gas generated beneath it to reduce friction and cruise faster, up to 60MPH. Unless an engine's leaking, then it floats on a layer of oil and dead birds. :/

Gregory Sancoff, president and chief executive officer of Juliet Marine, said the U.S. government is interested and his company is working with a defense contractor to build a 150-foot model. The friction reducing gas technology, called supercavitation, works by generating a low-pressure zone around the ship's surface.

The Ghost keeps a low radar profile the same way stealth planes do, by making the radar waves bounce off of its surface.

Admittedly, I would captain one of those. And, okay, probably straight into a pier. Get it? Because it's so stealth. I f***ing forgot I was even driving a boat!

"Stealth" Boat Could Revolutionize Naval Warfare [nbcnews]

Thanks to Jeff and Ferris, who agree the stealthiest boat isn't a boat at all -- it's a sub. $5 footlongs FTW.

Aug 30 2011 Super Impressive Fallout Monopoly Game

Note: High-res version of the board HERE but make sure to check out the game pieces and cards after the jump.

This is a Fallout themed Monopoly game made by German DeviantARTist Elisabeth Redel for her Fallout-loving boyfriend (whose name I couldn't find so we will call him Vault Boy). It is ultra impressive and clearly a sign of TRUE LOVE. Ooooooooor advanced radiation poisoning.

The board was printed on a 50 x 50 cm PVC plate. Every street is a location from the Fallout game. "GO" is now "G.O.A.T." and "free parking" is the "please stand by" screen.

Every card has one of the Fallout3 or Fallout New Vegas perks on it and has a really cool old playingcard image on the back.

I actually beat New Vegas last week and just started playing 3 in the past few days. I have a hard time sticking to the mission though so I keep wandering too far into DC and getting my ass handed to me by Super Mutants. Just a couple million more shots with my laser pistol and your ass is grass, Mister Mutant! That's what I say when I'm playing. Also: "dammit -- why's there no 'bang this person' dialog option?" I'm into ghouls. No, no I'm not. But you've gotta admit, the golden geckos in New Vegas weren't bad looking.

Hit the jump for closeups of the pieces and cards.

Continue Reading " Super Impressive Fallout Monopoly Game "

Aug 30 2011 Shadow The Self Proclaimed Ninja Has Been Patrolling Small English Town For Six Years

Yeaaaaaaah, can you turn the creep-factor down a couple notches, bro?

This is Shadow on patrol. He's a ninja. Or at least he says he is. He's been patrolling the small town of Yeovil in Somerset, England at night with a foam sword for the past six years. But during the day he's 33-year old Ken Andre, security guard, beloved husband and father of two. Boringest superhero backstory ever? Absolutely. And in six years how many people has he saved? I dunno, but one time he did scare off a group of kids that were shooting swans with bb guns, so that's something. Not something I'd choose to share in an interview about my ninja-ing exploits, but I'm also a real ninja who kills people on the reg. This guy walks around like he's caressing a giant Pokeball and is clearly an imposter. Proof: "During the day, he can frequently be found patrolling areas where he thinks trouble may flair." LOL @ "can frequently be found" -- NINJA FAIL!

Hit the jump for the I'm totally gonna start doing this.

Continue Reading " Shadow The Self Proclaimed Ninja Has Been Patrolling Small English Town For Six Years "

Aug 30 2011 Reporter Reports Hurricane (Come On) Irene Covered In Sea Foam/Raw Sewage

This is a video of channel 5 meteorologist Stormy McDipshit reporting on Hurricane Irene covered in "sea foam", which, according to some reports, was at least partially raw sewage from nearby leaks. Per Pukey Suddenlyill himself:

Excuse me, it's HA -- it's in my face as well. As you can imagine, it uh, it doesn't taste great. I've been told by my station, I don't know what it is, but uh, it has sort of a sandy consistency to it...I can tell you first hand it doesn't smell great.

That's just nasty. There's a lot of things I would do for money, but standing in shitfoam isn't one of them. I'm kidding, of course I would -- the price would just have to be right. Do I hear $20? For another $10 I'll use some to give myself a Colonel Sanders beard and mustache.

Hit the jump for the nasty.

Continue Reading " Reporter Reports Hurricane (Come On) Irene Covered In Sea Foam/Raw Sewage "

Aug 30 2011 Wacom 'Inkling' Records Everything You Draw, Digitally Imports As Vector/Bitmap Graphics

This is the Wacom 'Inkling' ($200, mid next month), a special receiver and pressure sensitive ink pen that records your actual drawings for digital import and computer manipulation AS EITHER BITMAP OR VECTOR GRAPHIX!!!11 Some people might say it's magic, and those people would be 150% correct.

While there are other ink-to-digital pens out there, the difference here is Wacom's pressure technology. Recording 1024 levels of pressure, the Inkling will capture ever nuance in your drawings. This is how it works:

• Take the stylus and receiver out of the neat portable box.
• Clip the receiver on top of any paper notebook and start drawing. Don't worry about space: the receiver can store thousands of pages, according to Wacom.
• When you are done after a day, connect the receiver to the computer via USB and browse all your drawings, exporting the ones you like to Photoshop or Illustrator or any typical graphic format, from TIFF to JPG.

Not gonna lie, I could see myself drawing a whole lot of penises with one of these. Like easily OVER NINE THOUSAND. Quintuple digits. Enough to fill a swimming pool.

Hit the jump for an official video demonstration.

Continue Reading " Wacom 'Inkling' Records Everything You Draw, Digitally Imports As Vector/Bitmap Graphics "

Aug 30 2011 Two AI 'Cleverbots' Have A Rude Conversation

This is a video from Cornell University of two artificial intelligence systems talking to each other. They're nonsensical and rude, even to their own kind. Plus they pronounce Cleverbot "Cleverbutt", which gave me a serious case of the giggles. And by giggles I mean runs, because God decided to play a trick on me and make my coccyx my funny bone. *shakes fist at heaven clenching buttcheeks*

Hit the jump for a solid minute of WTF.

Continue Reading " Two AI 'Cleverbots' Have A Rude Conversation "

Aug 30 2011 Mr. Slingshot Showing Off His 220-Pounder

Remember Mr. Slingshot? He is like, soooooo into slingshots. I heard he likes them so much he wants to marry them. I know, it's that serious. Me? I'm married to the lord. Or is that nuns? I dunno, but one of them used to let us drink the Ocean Spray cran-grape juice out of the refrigerator at church before it was transubstantiationed. It was a habit. HIYO -- nun joke! This is Mr. Slingshot about to send a little car to meet its maker (Ford? I have no idea). Per the man himself:

So I just came back sunburned and really tired, but happy because it was just a blast -- so much fun. Unbelievable. I think this is the most amazing weapon -- rubber-based weapon that I've ever made. [I'm] really proud. Well thanks for watching! And byebye.

You gotta love a burly-ass dude who signs off his Youtube videos with a sweet "thanks for watching -- byebye", amirite? I am. Great, so now you're in love with him too. I knew I shouldn't have pointed that out!

Hit the jump for the would consider bringing to a knife-fight.

Continue Reading " Mr. Slingshot Showing Off His 220-Pounder "

Aug 30 2011 Mysterious Battlestar Galactica Prescription Glasses Unearthed At The Smithsonian

The plot thickens.

Plot, get it? Because it's a TV show! "Wocka wocka wocka." Thanks Fozzy. This is mysterious pair of Battlestar Galactica prescription glasses that were donated to the Smithsonian in 1982, but nobody knows where they came from or why they were made. Dum dum dum!

A search for the glasses on eBay and other merchandise websites revealed no similar objects, which could mean that the glasses are rare. I thought that perhaps the glasses were a limited edition promotional item or merchandise purchased from the Universal Studios gift shop, but the latter hypothesis became harder to verify when Universal Studios Hollywood informed me that it does not have a comprehensive list of merchandise on sale during the time "Battle for Galactica" was in operation.

Don't get me wrong, I find this fascinating and all, I've just got bigger fish to fry than worrying about where a pair of glasses came from. Namely, how do pancakes work? One minute they're all soupy and the next they're solid and swimming in Aunt Jemima. Technology! "Pancakes have nothing to do with technology." Biology! "Or biology." Magic!

Hit the jump for a video about the sadly not x-ray specs.

Continue Reading " Mysterious Battlestar Galactica Prescription Glasses Unearthed At The Smithsonian "

Aug 30 2011 Super Mario Bros., Now With More Portals

This is a real game in development featuring Super Mario Bros. BUT WITH PROTALS!!!!11 (Protals are the new portals btw). It will eventually be released for free but you can't play it yet because, well, that's life. Oh shishi, you want some game facts? COO BRO I GOT THAT.

• All the source code of the game will be available after release
• The game will have mappacks, which will be downloadable from ingame. Users most likely won't be able to publish maps directly, but will be able to send them in and we'll add them for everyone to use.
• The primary maps will have a story and some portaly puzzles. What kind, well, we'll figure that out as we go
• Level editor will be embedded in the game so you can edit the level while you play
• Original SMB levels and Lost levels will be included
• Simultaneous Multiplayer

Looks promising. And I don't say that about just any game. Yes, yes I do. You know how they always make a super shitty video game to accompany every kid's movie that comes out? I've played all of them. Aaaaaaaaand I regret it.

Hit the jump for a video of the gameplays.

Continue Reading " Super Mario Bros., Now With More Portals "

Aug 29 2011 Robotic Neck Massager THAT WILL KILL YOU

Who wants a body massage?

Do you own a ShoulderFlex robotic neck massager? Awesome, then keep using it BECAUSE IT WILL KILL YOU.

The Food and Drug Administration issued an alert Friday saying one death and one near-strangulation have been reported, AP reports.

The latter incident occurred after a necklace and piece of clothing became caught in a rotating component of the therapeutic massager.

"The FDA is concerned that the ShoulderFlex Massager presents serious health risks," the warning stated, reports AP.

The agency urges people who own the device to "dispose of the device components separately so that the massager cannot be reassembled and used."

AHAHAHAHHAHAHA @ "dispose of the device components separately so that the massager cannot be reassembled and used." Because people WILL go through your trash and they WILL reassemble a broken neck massager. Remember folks: at least three different trash bags.

Massage By ShoulderFlex Massager Could Be Fatal, FDA Warns [thirdage]

Thanks to Olivia, the White Queen, who has a diamond massager because she's fancy and a queen.

Aug 29 2011 I've Been Poisoned: A Space Invaders Couch

So I'm pretty sure James Bond tried to assassinate me last night by poisoning my Indian delivery (restaurant will remain nameless pending investigation). I'm practically immortal though so I'm still alive but I do feel like a half dozen buttholes sewn together. This is a space invaders couch from designer Igor Chak (who may or may not be a bolt-necked butler). You can actually get one made to order for $5,000, but this is just a rendering. And on this napkin? A rendering of me hunkered over the toilet puking and trying not to shit on my ankles at the same time.

Product Site
via
Space Invaders couch [boingboing]

Thanks to David B., who sleeps on the couch more often than not so it's important that it's comfortable and video game related.

Aug 26 2011 Back To The Future Commercial w/ Doc Brown

This is a video that appeared on Youtube yesterday featuring a time-traveling DeLorean and the real Doc Brown. I'm pretty sure it's a commercial for Gabarino, the Argentinian electronics store the good doc crashes into. But who knows, maybe it's something else -- LIKE A TEASER FOR BACK TO THE FUTURE IV!!!!!11 It's totally not though. Sorry to crush your dreams. No, no I'm not. That shit felt good.

Hit the jump for the dammit doc -- go to the future and get a sports almanac or something, you don't need to be hocking flatscreens!

Continue Reading " Back To The Future Commercial w/ Doc Brown "

Aug 26 2011 Cyborg Eyeball Features Streaming Video Cam

Seen here creeping me the f*** out worse than the kid with an eyeball drawn on his eyepatch, Rob Spence shows off his video camera eyeball. Rob lost his eye in a shooting accident (which, while certainly serious, is still getting off lucky CONSIDERING HE WAS IN A SHOOTING ACCIDENT INVOLVING HIS FACE), and the last time we saw him had a red LED eyeball. Now he has a video camera. It is NOT a window to the soul.

...it records everything he sees, sending what he's looking at in real time to a computer.

According to Rob, technology is already advanced and the possibilities are endless in the future.

He said: "People are going to have the option of having superior arms, superior eyes at some point.

"People say no one would ever cut off their own arm and replace it, but if the technology gets there - and it looks like it will - people will think about it.

"They might be early adopters."

First of all, the camera doesn't record everything he sees, it records everything he doesn't see, because that's his dud eye. Secondly, the day people start purposefully chopping off perfectly good body parts to replace with cyborg ones is the day I renounce my human citizenship. Get it? *unzipping body* I'm an alien! ZIP ZAP, BANANA NANU.

Hit the jump for a video interview.

Continue Reading " Cyborg Eyeball Features Streaming Video Cam "

Aug 26 2011 Return Of The Wonkeye: Kitty Lightsaber Battle

This is a cute (that's right, I said it!) 16-second video of two cats with lightsabers duking it out Jedi style. They both seem...special. Especially the one in the picture here. I'm not sure if he was born ass-first or what, but there's definitely something wrong with him. You know what I think it is? He's not in my lap. DAAAW PRETTY KITTY COME KNEAD GW'S BELLY!

Hit the jump for 16-seconds of sweetness.

Continue Reading " Return Of The Wonkeye: Kitty Lightsaber Battle "

Aug 26 2011 I Approve Of This: Classic Video Games Reimagined With Criterion Collection Box Art

This is a series of oldschool video game favorites re-imagined with Criterion Collection box art and make-believe details. I posted all the box art after the jump, but you can follow the link to read what "extras" would be included with each game in the fake collection because somebody fleshed this shit out waaaaaaaaay too f***ing far.

Hit the jump for eleven others, including some Chrono Trigger, Super Mario Kart, Sim City, Super Metroid and Starfox.

Continue Reading " I Approve Of This: Classic Video Games Reimagined With Criterion Collection Box Art "

Aug 26 2011 Apparently Paintballs Can Pop Breast Implants

This picture: why does it exist?

A 26-year old with surgically enhanced breasts discovered one had ruptured after being shot in the teat during a round of paintball. And that, my friends, is why I'm afraid to get mine done.

The 26-year-old had been taking part in a game at an outdoor centre near Croydon on Saturday (20 August).

She went to her doctor's surgery on Monday, where it was discovered one of her implants had been torn apart.

"We respectfully ask that any ladies with surgical breast implants notify our team at the time of booking," says a statement on UK Paintball's website.

"You will be given special information on the dangers of paintballing with enhanced boobs and asked to sign a disclaimer.

"You will also be issued with extra padding to protect your implants while paintballing."

AHAHAHHAHHAHAH! "...given special information on the dangers of paintballing with enhanced boobs..." Way to stay professional guys. "Jesus, they run a paintball center -- what did you expect?" Touché.

Paintball shot ruptures woman's silicone breast implant [bbcnews]

Thanks to Spikey DaPikey, who paintballs with like six pairs of tighty whities on to prevent the same thing from happening to his balls. Smart, but I'd go with at least eight just to be on the safe side.

Aug 26 2011 Elder Scrolls Skyrim: Now With More Same Sex, Different Species Marriage

In the much anticipated Elder Scrolls: Skyrim players will not only be able to marry between races, but the same sex as well. Finally. *eying Mass Effect 2* GARRUS AND I COULD'VE HAD SOMETHING.

Bethesda's Pete Hines has confirmed that gay marriage is possible in Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim. The news comes, like all news these days, from a tweet. In response to a twitterer's question which suggested Bethesda was being "hush hush" about gay marriage, Hines posted:

"Not hush hush, just not making a huge deal out of it. You can marry anyone."

Obviously, I will have a harem of lizard-people and hopefully a dragon. Also, since it's Friday and we're being honest, yes, I did "test" Fisto the sex robot in Fallout: New Vegas, but ONLY to make sure he wouldn't tear somebody's wiener off and fail the mission for me. *poker face* Did anybody buy that? "I wouldn't believe it for free." Okay I got curious.

Skyrim To Allow Gay Marriage [g4tv]

Thanks to eric and Janre, neither one of which married a cousin.

Aug 26 2011 Lobster Rolls: Motorcycle Made From Lobsters

In other seafood news, this is a motorcycle made out of lobsters (not crabs) on display at a culinary conference in Fuzhou, China. "IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!" Haha, no it doesn't, Indy. But seriously bro, how about that title I came up with? Lobster rolls. Get it? Like sushi! God, wordplay makes me hot. Foreplay? Not so much. Privates are icky and weird!

Hit the jump for three more shots of the don't forget to wear your scallop helmet.

Continue Reading " Lobster Rolls: Motorcycle Made From Lobsters "

Aug 26 2011 Tubful Of Lampreys Go Buck Wild After Being Exposed To Smell Of Their Own Rotting Dead

This is a tubful of creepy-ass sea lampreys at Michigan State acting as test subjects for a new lamprey repellent the university is developing made of the rotting carcasses of other sea lampreys. Because smelling your own dead -- that shit'll get to you. Also: Cupid's arrow. *twang* Well that was just a regular arrow, but you obviously got the point because you're bleeding pretty bad. Point, LOLOL.

Lampreys are parasites that look like slimy eels with mouths that are ringed with several layers of jagged teeth [designed to attach to and feed from a host]. In some areas, like the Great Lakes of the United States, they've become an invasive pest that kills local trout and other valuable fish.

Damn them things is nasty. You think Indiana Jones would hate them more or less than snakes? My guess is more -- what's your guess? "I dunno, but rumor has it Ursula from 'The Little Mermaid' has a crush on Lord Lamprey!" Really? I heard she was banging King Crab. Dude likes his sea-witches thick.

Hit the jump for two videos (one above water, one below) and a picture of a lamprey mouth because terrified is a good look on you.

Continue Reading " Tubful Of Lampreys Go Buck Wild After Being Exposed To Smell Of Their Own Rotting Dead "

Aug 25 2011 I Claim It, It's Mine: Planet Made Of Diamond

I'll believe it when it cuts through a glass giant.

Astronomers are claiming they've found a planet made entirely of diamond. Interesting, but if you really wanted to capture the public's attention you should have said it was made out of chili cheese fries and has a milkshake orbiting it.

The new planet is far denser than any other known so far and consists largely of carbon. Because it is so dense, scientists calculate the carbon must be crystalline, so a large part of this strange world will effectively be diamond.

"The evolutionary history and amazing density of the planet all suggest it is comprised of carbon -- i.e. a massive diamond orbiting a neutron star every two hours in an orbit so tight it would fit inside our own Sun," said Matthew Bailes of Swinburne University of Technology in Melbourne.

Lying 4,000 light years away, or around an eighth of the way toward the center of the Milky Way from the Earth, the planet is probably the remnant of a once-massive star that has lost its outer layers to the so-called pulsar star it orbits.

I hereby publicly claim Diamondtopia as my own. Now, has anybody here played enough Minecraft/Starcraft to feel comfortable setting up a mining operation on the planet? Awesome. Also, we're gonna need some serious firepower in case there's any Na'vi.

Astronomers discover planet made of diamond [reuters]

Thanks to CB and Evil Ares, who would've settled for smoky quartz planets. And to Mr. Fancy, who wouldn't accept anything less than ruby or emerald.

Aug 25 2011 Robots Running Rampant: Toshiba Develops Roomba Competitor, Prices Over $1,000

This is the Toshiba Smarbo (more like Stupibo amirite?!), a robotic vacuum cleaner designed to compete against iRobot's Roomba. Except this one costs $1,200. Call me old fashioned, but I still like pushing around a $100 vacuum. Well, I don't like doing it, I just have to when the vomit dries and can finally be picked up. Well, technically I don't have to, it's just that I'm a neat freak. Jk jk -- just a regular freak.

This little cleaning bot has two CPUs, though we don't know what kind, a camera, and 38 sensors that cover things like gyro, acceleration, range detection and more. According to Toshiba, the Smarbo will clean an area of 100sqm in about 90 minutes. If you are worried about electrical usage you'll be happy to know that it costs about $0.03 (USD) for a room of that size.

Roombas suck. And I'm not just saying that because I hate robots. They don't have enough power and take forever. They can't even suck up a paper clip. And you know how many paper clips there are in my carpet? Literally thousands. It's getting to be a problem.

Toshiba Smarbo Ready to Take on the Roomba [technabob]

Thanks to Kevin, who once ate a Skittle out of a vacuum canister before. Um, Kevin? That sounds like it was in strict violation of the 5-second rule.

Aug 25 2011 Homemade Ghostbusters Pillow Proton Packs

One time I accidentally crossed the streams with some dude at one of those long trough urinals and I think some of his urine splattered on my hand. You know, just FYI.

This is a homemade Ghostbusters pillow proton pack lovingly crafted by Etsy seller JezebelRose. It is not to be confused with those functional Ghostbusters proton pack backpacks, which aren't so much made with love as manufactured with child labor. A made to order PPP will set you back $150 but does not include the ghost trap. Those are sold separately. Also: Micro Machines. Do they still make those things? I remember I used to always get in trouble for keeping all my favorite cars in my mouth. I used to call it "the garage" (pronounced 'HUU GUUAAH' with a mouthful of little cars). Now? Now I call it the grill. "I'd slap my meat on it, GW!" Hoho -- well done.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a link to the Etsy.

Continue Reading " Homemade Ghostbusters Pillow Proton Packs "

Aug 25 2011 'Jonah Ray's Arcade' Video Game Show Pilot

No, Jonah, it's not that big and you and I both know it.

NOTE: Video is NSFW on account of mad bad words.

This is the 19-minute pilot for my buddy Jonah Ray's video game-themed comedy show, 'Jonah's Ray's Arcade'. It was pitched to Comedy Central, but, unfortunately, passed on. Which is a shame because there is sooooooooo much shitty shit on TV, but THIS -- this I would have at least DVR'd.

Hit the jump for the whole show.

Continue Reading " 'Jonah Ray's Arcade' Video Game Show Pilot "

Aug 25 2011 Jabba Drinks: Han Solo In Carbonite Ice Molds

This is a $10 Han Solo in carbonite ice cube tray from ThinkGeek. It molds ice cubes that look like Han Solo frozen in carbonite...that'll last ten seconds in a drink before transforming into formless blocks. Now that's magic. Also, anybody think it's weird his name is Han SOLO despite the fact I heard he's never had sex with less than two women at once? I'm serious, Chewie told me he like never masturbates.

Hit the jump for a picture of a cube Photoshopped into a glass of water and a picture that'll answer the burning question, "but will it work for chocolate?"

Continue Reading " Jabba Drinks: Han Solo In Carbonite Ice Molds "

Aug 25 2011 That's Shorts And T-Shirt Weather!: Astronomers Discover An 80-Degree Star

That's no moon! Seriously -- it's a star, guys.

There's a new coldest star in town (read: galaxy), folks, and that star is a Y brown dwarf named WISE 1828+2650. Wow, your parents must have really hated you. YOUR NAME IS A MATH PROBLEM!

Y dwarfs are the dimmest stars of the brown dwarf family, like all brown dwarfs, they are not massive enough to fuse atoms at their cores. Without the atomic energy that allows stars like our sun to burn for billions of years, brown dwarfs gradually cool, until they only emit infrared light.

One of the Y dwarfs found, WISE 1828+2650, now holds the record for chilliest star at 80 degrees Farenheit.

Brown dwarfs help astronomers study star formation and the atmospheres of planets like Jupiter. Their atmospheres, similar in composition to the gas-giant planets, are often easier to observe because brown dwarfs are isolated in space, away from the light of more brilliant, parent stars.

Not gonna lie, being a brown dwarf sounds pretty depressing. "Isolated in space...away from the light of more brilliant, parent stars." Great, so not only are both your parents doctors, but you have to live alone in the woods. You know, this is how stars develop complexes.

NASA Satellite Finds Coldest, Darkest Stars Yet [wired]

Thanks to Braun, who's so bright his dad calls him son.

Aug 25 2011 Finally, A Decent Police Officer-Tracking App *Puts On Ski-Mask*

Police in Surrey, England have developed an iPhone app that tracks local officers so citizens feel a heightened sense of safety and security. Oooooooooor rob a bank on the other side of town.

The app is totally well-intentioned. It's supposed to give residents a sense of security--and also a heads up--about when there's a crime being committed in the area, and how the police are responding.

The service is only available to a portion of the county for the time being, but officials are hoping to take it nationwide some time soon...

Granted you could just go the old fashioned route and listen to the police channels on the radio, but what fun is that? SPOILER: tons. GEEKOLOGIE WRITER ALPHA TO ALL UNITS -- THERE'S A FLY IN MY BEER, OVER. "This is your last warning -- stay off this channel." I JUST DRANK IT. FISH AND CHIPS, OVER.

Hey Criminals! Your Town Made You an App to Track Cops [gizmodo]

Thanks to Dave, who tracks police with one of those sniffer dogs with the sloopy faces and floppy ears.

Aug 25 2011 OMG Did You Here?!: Steve Jobs Resigned!!!1

Like how I used 'here' in the title? Because I'm not changing it if you didn't.

Seen here doing his best to keep the doctor away, Steve Jobless resigned from his position as Apple CEO yesterday, citing "that shit's weak". Or something. Hold on, I'll find the actual quote (I got drunk last night and am in like ZERO MOOD). Per the man himself:

I have always said if there ever came a day when I could no longer meet my duties and expectations as Apple's CEO, I would be the first to let you know. Unfortunately, that day has come.

I hereby resign as CEO of Apple. I would like to serve, if the Board sees fit, as Chairman of the Board, director and Apple employee.

As far as my successor goes, I strongly recommend that we execute our succession plan and name Tim Cook as CEO of Apple.

I believe Apple's brightest and most innovative days are ahead of it. And I look forward to watching and contributing to its success in a new role.

I have made some of the best friends of my life at Apple, and I thank you all for the many years of being able to work alongside you.

I didn't actually bother reading that, but it said I should be his successor, didn't it? I thought so. I've seen him comment in the Geekologie comments before. He's always, 'LOL GW -- you so smart and funny!' You know, stuff like that. "That...sounds like a troll." Noooooo -- trolls are all, "FIFTY CENTS TO CROSS THE BRIDGE OR I'LL BASH YOUR BRAINS OUT!" It was definitely him. "Troll." But he spelled his name right and everything!

Steve Jobs Resigns as Apple CEO [wallstreetjournal]

Thanks to everyone who sent this for making tips outweight boner-pill spam for once.

Aug 24 2011 Where Da Gold At?: Iridescent Rainbow Cloud

Note: Click HERE for the full-res version, HERE for a worthwhile closeup, HERE for another, equally amazing example.

Iridescent rainbow clouds: do they rain gold coins? No, not even the ones with chocolate inside. Disappointing, I know. Also: my life. God, can you tell I'm getting depressed? I'm getting depressed. Happy thoughts, GW, happy thoughts. Butterflies and zebras and moonbeams and fairy tales...that's all I ever wanna think about -- riding with the wind. Okay I think that helped a little. At least enough to copy/paste a paragraph, write another one after that, then spend the rest of the evening crying in the back of my closet.

Pictured, behind this darker cloud, is a pileus iridescent cloud, a group of water droplets that have a uniformly similar size and so together diffract different colors of sunlight by different amounts. The above image was taken...by chance by a photographer in Ethiopia.

Damn Mother Nature, you cray-cray. I'm serious, why you gotta make it so hard for a man to be happy? "Don't blame me, human -- it's not nature, it's nurture." Ugh -- well that's a pretty bitchy thing to say!

What on earth! [estherhavens] (the photographer)
and
A Pileus Iridescent Cloud Over Ethiopia [nasa]
via
Rare Iridescent Cloud [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Claire, who followed a rainbow all the way to the end only to find a toiletful of glitter. RIPOFF!

Aug 24 2011 Gamestop Opens & Pulls Promotional Codes From Copies Of Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Gamestop, best known for not having a location that's walkable from my apartment despite my insistent and strongly worded complaints, is now being accused of opening and pulling the free online promotional codes from new copies of Deux Ex: Human Revolution that would allow players to play the game online via the OnLive streaming game system. Why would they do such a thing? Money. It's always about money. And, okay -- sometimes it's about getting even. But this time it was definitely about money. Per GameSPY:

"Square Enix packed the competitor's coupon with our DXHR product without our prior knowledge and we did pull and discard these coupons," [Gamestop public relations representative Beth] Sharum said.

To put the value of the promotion in context, OnLive is also selling DXHR through its online platform for $49.99.

In April, GameStop acquired streaming tech company Spawn Labs and digital distribution platform Impulse. With the acquisitions, the retailer positioned itself to launch a hybrid Steam/OnLive service that will allow gamers to purchase and download full video games or stream and play them on demand. GameStop's fully integrated Impulse service launched in July and its game streaming service is now in beta testing.

Consumers who were expecting the free OnLive DXHR coupon are obviously outraged. The question is, does GameStop have the right to crack open copies of the game and remove the competitor's coupons?

Hoho -- so you own your own streaming/downloading game service, do you? The plot thickens! Like starting to cook mac & cheese but then passing out drunk and waking up to a house fire. *eying charred kitchen* I'll admit it, I have a problem. It's called not getting enough sleep.

GameStop Pulled, Discarded Free OnLive Deus Ex: Human Revolution Coupons [gamespy]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who I catch playing 'Magic: The Gathering' every time I sign into my PS3. Not even joking.

Aug 24 2011 Study: Social Media-Using Teens More Likely To Drink, Smoke, Do Drugs (And Prolly Sex!)

According a questionable study conducted by the The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University, the 70% of teenagers that use social media websites like Facebook and Twitter are almost "twice as likely to use marijuana, three times as likely to drink alcohol, and five times as likely to use tobacco" (previously: be insecure, narcissistic, and have low-self esteem). Possibly because they interact with other people besides mom and dad. The other 30% are home-schooled. Oh -- this questionable study just in: social media didn't exist when I was growing up, and look how I turned out. SPOILER: A f***ing mess.

Some experts say kids see images of teens drinking and using drugs online, which takes the shock value out of bad behavior and leads some to think it's what everyone is doing.

Some viewers on our Facebook page say they monitor their kids' social networking habits closely so they know what's happening on the websites.

" I will look through dressers, clothes, Facebook, PC's, whatever I want to make sure my child is safe," writes Kelly. "They will hate me now, but one day they will love and thank me."

First paragraph: there are experts, and then there are the experts that actually believe this shit. The second group are f***ing idiots. Third paragraph: or just always hate you. That's a very real possibility. Ha -- building relationships based on trust. I'M IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER LOOKING FOR WEED, LOLOL!

Teens who use social media mostly likely to drink and use drugs, says study [king5news]

Thanks to Evil Ares, who's evil and uses the persuasive power of peer pressure to coerce his friends into doing things for him.

Aug 24 2011 The Privacy Shell: No More Kissing In Public

The Privacy Shell (which looks suspiciously like a partial Sleep Suit) was designed to provide a little privacy while out in public. Plus complete blindness. Me? I usually just pull my shirt over my head and stumble around with my arms out like a zombie. You know, so I don't look so f***ing ridiculous.

Hit the jump for a bunch of different models.

Continue Reading " The Privacy Shell: No More Kissing In Public "

Aug 24 2011 '$5M 1 Terabyte' Art Piece Just A Hard Drive Packed With $5M Of Illegal Downloads

This is an art piece (and I use the term "art" as loose as the lips that sink ships) entitled '5 Million Dollars 1 Terabyte' that consists of, you guessed it! -- $5 million worth of illegally downloaded files on a 1-terrabyte hard drive. Wow, if art isn't dead now, it at least has some bad sectors. HIYO -- shitty disk drive humor!

Accompanying the $5 million piece of evidence art is a PDF file that lists all the illegally obtained software that's been stuffed into the hard drive, complete with shortened (TinyURL) links. A sample of what's on there includes $3 million worth of fiction books from 2003 to 2011, a science textbook collection worth half a million dollars, 124GB of copyrighted music, fonts, Adobe software, various game system ROMs, and more. The hyperlinks mostly reference pages on The Pirate Bay and MegaUploads, with a few other torrent sites littering the list.

Pfft -- $3 million in fiction novels and another half mill in science textbooks? That is some of the saddest pirating I've ever heard of. Right up there with the crew that buried their treasure in a playground sandbox. Even I probably have at least a $1-million piece of "art", except it's actually filled with good stuff. Get it?! IT'S CALLED MY OLD LAPTOP. Totally a Picasso. Lots of imagery going on.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots if you're struggling with the idea of an external hard drive on a pedestal.

Continue Reading " '$5M 1 Terabyte' Art Piece Just A Hard Drive Packed With $5M Of Illegal Downloads "

Aug 24 2011 Video Game Addicted Lawyer Suspended Three Years For Mishandling/Botching Cases

A video-game addicted lawyer, so hooked he couldn't even manage to call clients back, was recently suspended from lawyering for three years while he struggles to not be such a f***ing failure at life.

Mathew Eshelman, 43, retreated into the world of video games to fight job stress and problems at home, a state disciplinary panel concluded.

"When attempting to conduct his own law practice, he sought refuge from his problems by playing video and computer games with an even greater intensity. He described himself as `addicted' to the games," lawyer Howell K. Rosenberg wrote in the 89-page report.

The Pennsylvania Supreme Court Disciplinary Board's report detailed 17 cases that Eshelman mishandled. They mostly involved bankruptcy, divorce and debt collection cases. He missed deadlines, lost track of client funds and once knowingly lied in a divorce filing , all while ignoring calls from increasingly angry clients.

WOW. That is like, the LAST guy I would ever want handling my case. And that's saying a lot because one time I tried defending myself.

Baliff: GW -- do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
GW: Seriously, HELP ME GOD.
Prosecution: Yeaaaaaaah, let's go ahead and throw the book at this guy.
GW: *ducks*

Pa. lawyer suspended, blames video-game addiction [philly]
and
Game-Addicted Lawyer of the Day [geeks.thedailwh.at]

Thanks to Sally (from the valley?!), who's convinced her last lawyer was addicted to Twilight and tried to blame her case on vampires. Oh that's bad.

Aug 24 2011 Car Explodes In Front Of Firefighter, Not A Single F*** Is Given, Continues Hosing Calmly

A car fire, clearly started by the pyro filming the scene (see lighter, lower left) was being sprayed by a Los Angeles firefighter when -- BOOSH! -- shit got real. Unfortunately for the car fire, the firefighter got even realer, and continued to hose the flames without missing a beat. That...is pretty badass. And I'm not just saying that because one time I pissed myself and cried when my popcorn started popping, but...yes, yes I am. That's why I'm saying that.

Hit the jump for the badassery, explosion is at the beginning-ish.

Continue Reading " Car Explodes In Front Of Firefighter, Not A Single F*** Is Given, Continues Hosing Calmly "

Aug 24 2011 Samsung Uses 'They Existed In 2001: A Space Odyssey' Defense In iPad Patent Infringement Case, Will Not Be Super Effective

Samsung is being sued by Apple for patent infringements related to the iPad, claiming Samsung's Galaxy is near-identical (in form) ripoff. Samsung's defense? You shouldn't have even been granted a patent for the design in the first place because Stanley Kubrick came up with that shit in 1968 for '2001: A Space Odyssey'. Hey, you never know (except this time. This time I know Samsung shouldn't have gone with the first legal team in the phonebook).

"In a clip from that film lasting about one minute, two astronauts are eating and at the same time using personal tablet computers," the lawyer wrote, adding a Web link for watching the film on YouTube. As with the design claimed by Apple's patent, "the tablet disclosed in the clip has an overall rectangular shape with a dominant display screen, narrow borders, a predominately flat front surface, a flat back surface (which is evident because the tablets are lying flat on the table's surface), and a thin form factor."

An Apple spokeswoman didn't directly address the Samsung contentions, but reiterated its arguments behind the litigation.

"It's no coincidence that Samsung's latest products look a lot like the iPhone and iPad," she said in prepared remarks. "From the shape of the hardware to the user interface and even the packaging, this kind of blatant copying is wrong, and we need to protect our intellectual property when companies steal our ideas."

Well? Are there any patent lawyers in the audience? Also, let's say I hypothetically recently got arrested for public intoxication. What are my chances of getting off with a 'giant rolling boulder from Raiders of the Lost Ark' defense? "Solid." F*** yeah, that's what I thought too! *calls to fire lawyer*

Samsung Cites Sci-Fi Classic in Attacking Apple Patent [wallstreetjournal]

Thanks to chichi, who can blow into a court room and Erin Brockovich the shit out of everything in sight. *swoon* If love's illegal then lock me up and throw away the key!

Aug 23 2011 45 Years Ago Today: Earth From The Moon

Note: Full res version HERE and original image prior to the Lunar Orbiter Image Reprocessing Project HERE.

This is the photo taken 45-years ago today when Lunar Orbiter 1, tasked with locating a suitable landing zone for the future Apollo missions, turned around and took a picture of earth from the moon. Damn, we've come a long way in the last 45 years, haven't we? No, and we just recently committed to never going back again. And you know what? That's fine with me. Just don't get all pissy when you look through your tele-laserscope or whatever and realize the American flag's been replaced with a Geekologietopia one. HA -- like there was ever an American one up there in the first place. Back me up, Grandma. "I wet my pants." Dammit nana, I told you to stop smoking all my weed! That shit is waaaaaay too strong for a 200-year old. Which reminds me...are you a witch?

45 Years Ago, NASA Took the First Image of Earth from the Moon [geekosystem]

Thanks to D. Krauss, who's been to the moon and claims it's a lot rockier and a lot less cheesy than you'd think. WELL I AM DISAPPOINT.

Aug 23 2011 Portal, No Escape: Just Watch, Is Impressive

I hate posting two of the same subject in a row but you should really watch this thing. It's a Portal fan-film called 'No Escape' AND IS MOST IMPRESSIVE. Plus has a pretty sweet surprise ending. That's all, since I'm not giving it anymore time time I won't even count this as a post. As a matter of fact, forget you ever saw it. Joking -- share it with your friends and shit, please -- I've got a fat, pimply face to feed.

Hit the jump and 'holy shi-shi, that was actually really good'.

Continue Reading " Portal, No Escape: Just Watch, Is Impressive "

Aug 23 2011 Yes, My Answer's Yes!: Slick Portal 2 Proposal

This is a rad to the power of sick in-game Portal 2 proposal created by getting a couple Portal level designers to develop an entire 10-minute level, and even getting Ellen McLain (the voice of GlaDos) to do the voice work. It is most impressive, and beats asking your girlfriend at a Sonic Drive-In. Kidding, you can't top that. Or pizza when you're drunk. Is there really ANYTHING better than a hot 'za (I'm going to kill myself for typing that) after a night of boozing? No, there is not. "But what about sex?" Ha -- but what about sex. Go ask your girlfriend what she thinks about that, Don Juan Dos Equis.

Well? "She just laughed." BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH!! She told me she calls you Tequila Mockingworm!

Hit the jump for the 10-minute level in both regular vision AND CINEMATIC VISION.

Continue Reading " Yes, My Answer's Yes!: Slick Portal 2 Proposal "

Aug 23 2011 Homemade Fire Extinguisher Grappling Hook

A grappling hook: you're a shitty ninja without one. You have like, GOT to have one if you ever want to be taken seriously. Also, throwing stars and a cool name. Me? I'm Shadow Strike, the Silent but Violent Assassin. "Nobody calls you that." Of course not -- I've killed everyone I've told. QUICK, BEHIND YOU -- IT'S ME! Too slow, I really was there though. You were reading Geekologie. Your B.O. aside, MIT student Christian Reed created a grappling hook gun out of an empty fire extinguisher and some other supplies and posted an Instructable online. A couple problems: 1. it's loud, effectively blowing any element of surprise and 2. it doesn't shoot nearly as far as anybody but THE most uncoordinated could swing a regular grappling hook. Sooooooooo, basically it's a really shitty t-shirt gun. Over here, OVER HERE!

Hit the jump for a video of the 'you will never climb through a window' using that thing in action.

Continue Reading " Homemade Fire Extinguisher Grappling Hook "

Aug 23 2011 Crackpot!: Physicist Convinced Crop Circles Are Made With Microwaves, NOT Aliens

Richard Taylor is a physicist. One who's convinced crop circles are somehow made with microwaves. You mean like dragging one behind a donkey on a rope? Because that I could see. Kidding, I can't actually see anything. Get it? I've got a cucumber eye mask on!

In his report, Taylor cites the work of BLT research, which has researched crop circles using scientific techniques for decades. Initially attempting to discover what was assumed to be a natural phenomenon, BLT found a host of anomalies that lead many researchers to rule out natural phenomena or human involvement. One of these anomalies is the discovery of microwave radiation in some of the crop circles.

He speculates that perhaps they are using a microwave device to soften the crop so they can lay them down easier, possibly making their job more efficient. He says some of the parts to create the radiation can be powered by 12-volt batteries. He doesn't claim to know for a fact that this method is being used. However, he does plan to test his theory in the coming weeks near Stonehenge, an area known for nearby appearances of crop circle formation.

Don't waste your time, Dick. I can tell you right now microwaves don't make crop circles -- they make Hot Pockets. Unfortunately, sometimes they don't cook the middle all the way through and that makes the Geekologie Writer angry. *banging half-frozen pocket against microwave door* YOU THINK I WON'T DEFROST A TOASTER IN YOU AGAIN?!

Crop Circle Microwave Anomalies Acknowledged By Scientists [huffingtonpost]
and
Are Crop Circles Made By Microwaves? [cenblog]

Thanks to Aaron R., who's convinced crop circles are made with artificial ingredients DESPITE THEIR PACKAGING CLEARLY STATING THEY'RE ALL ORGANIC. For shame.

Aug 23 2011 R2-D2 Crash Helmet: Please Tell Me You Made That To Get Shot Out Of A Cannon

This is a homemade R2-D2 crash helmet lovingly constructed by artist Jenn Hall. However she is not REQUIRED to wear it, so don't ask her if she licks bus windows (trust me, she took offense when I did).

Tell me a little bit more about that sweet R2D2 helmet you've got. How did you make it? Did you start off with some sort of simple one and paint it?

Initially, it was the ugly duckling of helmets. It looked pretty jacked up before I did my fairy godmother thing to it. It was an odd, dark maroon color and it had been used as a rental helmet, so it had sustained damage over time. Long story short, I did a lot of spray painting and clear coating.

Okay, I want that. And not just so I can recreate the scene where R2 gets spit out by the Dagobah dragonsnake swamp-monster, BUT HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE? "Like a 6 out of 10." Jesus, that's it?! Well I'm not gonna do it if it's less than a 7. "Is there a chance you'll die?" Haha, a HUUUUGE one. "It's an 11." Awesome -- ready my cannon.

Hit the jump for a bunch more of Jenn modeling the helmet and a link to her personal art page.

Continue Reading " R2-D2 Crash Helmet: Please Tell Me You Made That To Get Shot Out Of A Cannon "

Aug 23 2011 Robotic Astronaut Awakens Aboard Int'l Space Station, Loss Of Contact With ISS Imminent

Seen here ready to punch a hole through a viewing portal and kill everyone on board, Robonaut 2 (I killed the first one) poses for the camera. Robonaut just woke from from his slumber aboard the International Space Station, and is ready to get to work picking off its crew members one by one. I'm serious, I just saw him slip something into the space ice cream! Don't worry -- I'll dispose of it all in my cabin.

Ground controllers turned Robonaut 2 on Monday for the first time since it was delivered to the International Space Station in February. The test involved sending power to all of Robonaut's systems. The robot was not commanded to move; that will happen next week.

"Those electrons feel GOOD! One small step for man, one giant leap for tinman kind," Robonaut posted in a Twitter update.

The four visible light cameras that serve as Robonaut's eyes turned on in the gold-colored head, as did the infrared camera, located in the robot's mouth and needed for depth perception. One of Robonaut's tweets showed the view inside the American lab, Destiny.

"Sure wish I could move my head and look around," Robonaut said in the tweet.

Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you, Robonaut?! WELL TOO BAD! *hacks NASA, reprograms Astrobot to self destruct* So like, can I get one of those cool NASA mission patches for saving the lives of everyone on board? "Stay put, the authorities should be arriving shortly." OMG -- am I gonna be in a parade?!?!

Robot astronaut wakes up in space [cbcnews]

Thanks to SmellzLikeSheez (I'm sorry, it was the breakfast burrito) and Matt G, who agree the only good robot in space is one set on a course directly at the sun.

Aug 23 2011 TRON Light Cycle Scene Recreated In Duct Tape, WITH BONUS SAD-ASS TRON GUY!

This is a commercial for Duck brand colored duct tape featuring a stop-action tape lightcycle battle, and TRON guy, who made me kind of sad. Plus he assaults his mom with a frisbee at the end, WHICH ISN'T COOL. You don't ever throw things at your mom. Little brother, yes, but only because it's your responsibility to toughen him up for the hard road ahead. Plus make him bite Snap 'n Pops hard enough to explode. YOU'RE GONNA BE A MAN YET, GW JR. (I'm raising him in my own image). Now -- I want you to ride your bike past me as fast as you can and I'm gonna kick you over.

Hit the jump for the I hope you got paid for that, TRONINATOR.

Continue Reading " TRON Light Cycle Scene Recreated In Duct Tape, WITH BONUS SAD-ASS TRON GUY! "

Aug 23 2011 Melodic Metroid: 'Harmony Of A Hunter' Album

'Harmony of a Hunter' is a free Metroid inspired album to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the franchise. It's FREE FOR DOWNLOAD and OVER TWO-AND-A-HALF HOURS. Plus great to close your eyes and listen to. Several times I actually thought I was in space. "Technically, we are floating in space." Yeah? Well technically there's a monster turd floating in the third stall that won't flush. Wasn't me though. There's a Youtube sample after the jump if you want to test the wares before download, but like I said -- it's free. *randomizes tracks, closes eyes* Oh yeah, see right now I'm imagining traveling hyperspeed in a spaceship. Okay, now I'm descending into the atmosphere of an alien world. Oh shi-shi -- Samus is taking off her Zero suit -- SHE'S TAKING IT OFF! She has three titties -- SHE HAS THREE TITTIES!!!1 "No she doesn't." Well in my mind she does. Plus likes to be called Sam and is into bloggers.

Hit the jump for a preview and a link to the official site with multiple download locations.

Continue Reading " Melodic Metroid: 'Harmony Of A Hunter' Album "

Aug 22 2011 Astronaut Suicides, Aka Space Shuttle Sadness

This is a tasteless series of photographs entitled 'Astronaut Suicides', that captures the many day-dreamed deaths of an astronaut who just can't bear life following the cancellation of the shuttle program. It brought tears to my eyes. Granted none of them actually fell because I dried them up with sandpaper, but they were there. Also: a rogue eyelash. F***ers always tryin' to creep up in my eyeball. "What about pubes?" HA -- what about pubes?! Are you saying there's one in my teeth?

Hit the jump for some more sadness from the series and hit the link after to see the graphic-er ones I didn't feel comfortable seeing.

Continue Reading " Astronaut Suicides, Aka Space Shuttle Sadness "

Aug 22 2011 Robotic Goalkeeper Never Misses A Save

This is an old-ass video of a robotic goalkeeper named Ball-Lover Robokeeper that's programmed to track an orange soccer ball and never miss a save (unless you shoot in a top corner). Now I'm not saying I know for a fact I could easily get one past him, but I AM saying I know for a fact I could easily saw his entire body off above the shin-guards and use it as a skateboard ramp. I'm gonna ollie my neighbor's recycling bin!

Hit the jump for a short video of Robokeeper in tilting action.

Continue Reading " Robotic Goalkeeper Never Misses A Save "

Aug 22 2011 Black Milk's One-Piece Game Boy Swimsuit

Would wear even if balls hung out leg hole.

Black Milk (wait -- like chocolate?!) is back at it, this time with a Game Boy inspired swimsuit. "I wanna play!" Haha -- SHE WILL NEVER LET YOU. It looks like the company is currently in the process of rolling out a new line of suits, although this particular model (the swimsuit, not the chicky) isn't on the website yet. Possibly because they don't have the proper licensing or -- OR -- because they're only selling them out of a van parked on the corner of 4th street behind a taco truck. F*** I love street burritos.

Hit the jump for an ass shot and a link to their product site with the new designs.

Continue Reading " Black Milk's One-Piece Game Boy Swimsuit "

Aug 22 2011 C.R.E.A.M.: Pixelated Video Games Money

This is a small gallery of video game monies. ,mkmmnjn nbnb n n Sorry, my dog typed that and it would hurt his feelings if I deleted it. Good boy -- you did good! "Funnier than you could've written." Holy shit he can talk. "Leave the door open when you go to the bathroom, I like the smell." YOU'RE SICK!

Hit the jump for a couple more and a link to even a couple more than that.

Continue Reading " C.R.E.A.M.: Pixelated Video Games Money "

Aug 22 2011 Homeless Heroes Paint Paintings, Rap Raps About Video Games, Cartoon Characters

This is a collection of videos from the Homeless Heroes (aka Travis Settineri and Jerrell Johnson. Each video consists of Jerrell rapping about a cartoon character/video game, while Travis creates a painting relevant to the subject material. Subjects include: Ninja Turtles, SpongeBob, Batman, Doug, The Wild Things, Yogi Bear and Punch Out. I thought they were all pretty good, but I'm also a fan of freestyle. Plus the breaststroke. You now what they say -- breaststrokes are the best strokes. *rubs chest, flicks nips when they don't harden up right away*

Hit the jump for all the videos I mentioned and another link to their official site.

Continue Reading " Homeless Heroes Paint Paintings, Rap Raps About Video Games, Cartoon Characters "

Aug 22 2011 Looks Promising: Minecraft Pokemon Mod

Want to play Pokemon inside Minecraft? "No." WHAT THE -- where do you want to play then?! "Outside." Oh God, please tell me you're kidding.

This is a pretty epic looking Pokemon mod for Minecraft by a dude calling himself SeaGoingManatee and his co-coder Pwootage. It's called Pokemobs, and while there's only a few Pokemon available so far, the plan is to eventually incorporate a battling system and all of the original 151 'Monz.

That actually sounds pretty badass. Not as badass as affordable rocket packs, but it's up there. Which leads me to my next question: rocket packs or hoverboards? Because I say rocket packs. "Waffles." That...wasn't an option. Apparently you didn't hear me. "I did, I just want waffles." Oh come on -- do I LOOK like a breakfast genie to you?! (Ignore the cinnamon roll turban)

Hit the jump for a ten-minute demo of the pixel-y pocket monsters.

Continue Reading " Looks Promising: Minecraft Pokemon Mod "

Aug 22 2011 $1.75M Steampunk Styled New York City Loft

This is a NYC loft apartment for sale in Chelsea that's going for $1,750,000 BUT ALREADY COMES PRE STEAMPUNK DECORATED. Because that's a big selling point. Also: secret passageways and hidden rooms. I'm watching you undress through the eyes of a painting!

The focal point of the home: a color-changing zeppelin that appears to float from the ceiling. 'The colored light from the blimp is especially inspiring and gets me going creatively,' said the owner.

The 1,800-square-foot space is configured as an open loft with one bedroom and two full baths, which are hidden behind walls of antique piping, gears and cogs.

Transforming a plain-vanilla co-op into a Jules Verne wonderland took about two years. 'Like other large projects, the initial budget and scope were quite modest compared to the beast it would eventually become,' he said.

Admittedly, I would live there. And I'm not just saying that because I live in a 280-sqaure foot shoebox with no hot water after 8PM and what I'm pretty sure is a meth-lab on the other side of my bedroom wall, but I do. GOD -- JUST BLOW UP AND PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY ALREADY.

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of the tetanus waiting to happen.

Continue Reading " $1.75M Steampunk Styled New York City Loft "

Aug 22 2011 Count Me In: '3-D' Trampoline Dodgeball

This is a video advertising some sports complex's '3-D' trampoline dodgeball court. It looks fun. Maybe not as fun as 3-D trampoline kickball, but that would take a whole lot more trampolines. And speaking of trampolines -- the last two times I've gotten into a bounce-house I've wound up biting my knee trying to do backflips. Plus was drunk. Coincidence? Yes, bounce-houses are just inherently dangerous.

Hit the jump for the bideo (bideo is the new video, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you).

Continue Reading " Count Me In: '3-D' Trampoline Dodgeball "

Aug 21 2011 Couple's Zombie Attack-Themed Engagement

Note: Entire worthwhile series after the jump.

You know what they say: a couple that slays together, stays together. No? Nobody says that? Well I just did. "You also just said you'd kill everyone in the room for a Butterfinger Blizzard." I know, and I meant it. Shit, I'd take out half of you for a creamsicle. This is a series of photos of California couple Ben and Juliana fighting off a zombie during their engagement picnic. It...is very romantic. Nothing draws a couple closer than killing something together. Don't believe me? I'll ask my roommate's girlfriend. Well? "I wouldn't know." Soooooooooo -- you weren't around for that whole hooker thing? *sits back and waits for break up so Derek and I can be best bros again*

Hit the jump for the entire attack from start to finish.

Continue Reading " Couple's Zombie Attack-Themed Engagement "

Aug 20 2011 EZ Catch, The Quicker Chicken Picker Upper

This is a chicken "vacuum" used to harvest chickens from the yard and crate them before slaughter so they can finally be put out of their f***ing misery. It's...a great example of what's wrong with the manufactured meat industry. Aaaaaaaand why I don't eat the animals. God knows it's not for health reasons. That and one time I found an unprocessed pig asshole in a hotdog.

Hit the jump for the last thing a chicken ever sees.

Continue Reading " EZ Catch, The Quicker Chicken Picker Upper "

Aug 19 2011 I Will Literally Do ANYTHING Before Actual Work: The Hierarchy Of Digital Distractions

Note: Full-res version HERE because one digital distraction you don't need is cyborg eyeballs because yours popped out squinting too damn hard.

This is Maslow's David McCandless' (damn bro, buy a McLighter or something, shit!) hierarchy of digital distractions. The higher on the pyramid the distraction, the more so it is. *watches cat video* No lie, I will drop anything to watch f***ing cat videos on Youtube. This includes a Powerpoint presentation to my company's board of directors.

So, ladies and gentlemen -- as you can see from this graph I created by deleting the axises off another graph I found online, if we maintain our current marketing strategy we can expect an almost 15% increase in sales by the end of the quarter. Next slide. HOLY SHIT -- IT'S FAT CAT ON AN UNDERWATER TREADMILL!! You guys seen this one before? It is like, THE tits. OMG -- look at him go. "You're fired." More of a dog crowd, huh? No worries, I've got those too. Next slide.

The Hierarchy of Digital Distractions [moma]
via
The Hierarchy Of Digital Distractions [buzzfeed]

Thanks to freemason, who refused to let me in the lodge even though I told him I've killed a moose before.

Aug 19 2011 Fred Flintstone's Brakes Are Out So He Stops Truck With Feet (Until The Time He Can't)

This is a video of a guy stopping his truck with his feet because he must have seen it on a cartoon once. How he hasn't run off the edge of a cliff and hovered there for a second before plummeting to his death is beyond me.

A police video camera captured images of a 24-year-old Detroit-area man who tried using his feet to stop a runaway pickup truck with faulty brakes and caused multiple collisions, exhibiting "moronic decision making," a Roseville police official said Thursday.

Witnesses said the man reached speeds of about 40 mph and was able to stop the car on at least two occasions. The car eventually struck four vehicles.

"He said he was going to fix the brakes when he got home," Berlin said.

AHAHAHHAHHHAHAHAH -- IT WASN'T JUST A SINGLE TIME!! Dude lost his brakes, was able to stop the car, but then kept going. Now that -- that's dedication. Or...something. Something that shouldn't be rewarded with continuing to live.

Hit the jump for the how did you not die a long time ago?

Continue Reading " Fred Flintstone's Brakes Are Out So He Stops Truck With Feet (Until The Time He Can't) "

Aug 19 2011 Let There Be Light Stars: R2-D2 Planeterium

Is there anything more relaxing than falling asleep counting stars on your ceiling? Yes, tons -- including bubble baths. But it's still a good time, and galaxies far far away from passing out on the bathroom floor. Jk jk, I love that shit. Mmmm, SO COLD ON MY BARE CHEST.

today, the company fixed the release date (September 15) and price ($91) for the planetarium. The scaled replica projects about 10,000 stars onto the ceiling in your living room, and as a bonus, it shows the location of the Death Star, too.

The R2-D2 Planetarium uses a 1W white LED as a light source, runs for three hours on four AAA batteries and stands 21cm high. It has a projection range of 1.5-2.3m/4.9-7.5ft and a projection area of 1.8m/5.9ft circumference.

Would be great in your kid's bedroom, right? Hell no, that thing belongs in the master! Especially if you're gonna be playing a little Luke and Leia role-playing. "Please tell me you meant Han and Leia." *dry-heaving* Yeah I just realized.

Hit the jump for a closeup of the star pattern.

Continue Reading " Let There Be Light Stars: R2-D2 Planeterium "

Aug 19 2011 Wheee!: Balloon Rides To The Edge Of Space

Ever wanted to take a helium balloon to the face and talk funny ride to the edge of space? Me neither. Like I told my mechanic: add rockets or GTFO.

"Bloon" is a six-person pod designed by Spanish company zero2infinity that will rise to the edge of the atmosphere, powered by a helium balloon. The cabin holds four passengers and two pilots for the three-hour flight, 36km above the earth's surface. The flights will launch at night, so passengers can watch the sun rise over the curvature of the earth. While admiring the world from near space, in-flight information about the altitude and range of view will be displayed directly on the pod's windows. To return to earth, the helium is vented slowly, then the balloon or sail separates from the pod, deploying a parafoil. The pod pops its airbags and is guided in for a landing. Bloon uses zero propellants, so there are no emissions or noise pollution.

A trip will set you back ~$168K, making it far more temping to just tie a bunch of helium balloons to a lawn chair and do it yourself. Just don't forget to wear a fishbowl for a helmet -- there's a lot less oxygen up there. Also: fast food drive-ins, so be sure to eat before take off.

Space travel powered by helium balloon [bbcnews]

Thanks to Irina, who tried catapulting herself into space but didn't even make it past the blogosphere. That...is not very far.

Aug 19 2011 That's...A Really Terrible Idea: Army Considers Building Autonomous Robots Own Base

Because what could be safer than a base full of autonomous robots doing whatever the f*** they want, whenever the f*** they want, the Army is considering building them one. And me? Well, I'm considering strapping myself to a homemade rocket and blowing up on the launchpad. GW the human firework, everybody!

The purpose would be to pile up as many operating hours as possible and resolve the "trust and confidence" issues that have prevented such systems from proliferating on battlefields, Bob Quinn, vice president of unmanned systems at QinetiQ North America said at the Association for Unmanned Vehicle Systems International conference in Washington, D.C.

Currently, most battlefield ground robots are tele-operated, meaning they require someone to control the system from a stand-off distance. This method is labor intensive. Researchers have been developing software that would allow the machines to operate more freely, and take the workload off of troops.

[Major General Walter R.] Davis said part of the cultural acceptance for robots will be the acknowledgment that accidents are going to happen. There could be injuries, or worse. How many such incidents can decision-makers tolerate?

"They will fail to properly function at some point," Davis said.

Did you hear that? It said people will die. Well, it didn't just come right out and say that, but that's what it meant. The government's like that, you know. Saying one thing but actually meaning another. That is like, the number one thing governments do. Trust me, I was a political science major. "Seriously?" No, but I did fail a paleontology course for stealing bones.

A Base to Call Their Own? Army Considers Letting Robots Roam Freely [nationaldefensemagazine]

Thanks to Ksurfiws, who pointed out if we give them a base it might prevent them from taking one later. That...is bad logic. "ZIP ZAP, ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US." See?

Aug 19 2011 Dammit Jem, I Said I Wanted An Aisle Seat!: Holographic Airline Staff

Seen here soliciting a wave from a young passenger, a member of a Paris airport's holographic staff welcomes flyers aboard their flight. GOOD -- I hate those real workers. *stuffing little brother in suitcase*

In Paris, one major airport is piloting a test program that replaces gate workers with holographic projections that look just like the real thing -- and they don't ever seem frustrated about that extra carry-on you tried to sneak on board.

When it's nearly time to bust out your boarding pass, a living, breathing boarding agent can push a button to fire up the holograms, which then do part of the work, welcoming passengers and providing information about the status of the flight. The projections, which are beamed onto a human-shaped piece of plexiglass, look and sound like the real thing.

No word if the holographic workers are permitted to grant free first-class upgrades, but you better believe I'm gonna drunkenly yell at one until it does.

Hit the jump for a video demo.

Continue Reading " Dammit Jem, I Said I Wanted An Aisle Seat!: Holographic Airline Staff "

Aug 19 2011 The Sexist USB Drive (Is Actually A Vibrator)

Note to self: no more borrowing flash drives.

Designer Ti Chang (of Knife Coathook fame) just sent me her latest coming-to-market concept: the Duet, a USB flash drive vibrator. Well she didn't actually SEND me one, just the info. Otherwise I'd have a USB vibrator in my butt right now.

Made of body-safe silicone and metal, the Duet is designed for the female body. With dual motors, it can deliver powerful and precise vibration exactly where you want it. The tip, inside edges, and outside edges provide slightly different intensities so that you can customize your pleasure!

The Duet contains 4 vibration modes and 5 power levels so that you can customize the experience with the perfect intensity.

When we say that this toy is completely waterproof, we mean it. Not only is it fully submersible in a bathtub, the Duet is waterproof to more than 3 meters.

The finger-drive will come in three models -- no storage, 8GB and 16GB. There's a Kickstarter-esque page to fund the project, which surpassed its $15,000 goal in two days. But you can still donate $75 (retail $139) to receive one when they're made. Me? I make my own vibrators. *taping wind-up car to greased Sharpie*

Funding Page (where you can order one)

Thanks Ti, and keep those great designs coming. *retires*

Aug 19 2011 Where's Wall-E?: Or, Every Robot Ever Made

Note: Small picture is small, like looking for a Wall-E in a scrap-metal stack -- click HERE for the full-res version.

This is a piece by Richard Sargent (SIR, YES, SIR!) called 'Where's Wall-E' that contains pretty much every robot ever made (I see you, Twiki from Buck Rogers!). It took me a lukewarm minute to find the little metal-packer in question, but I eventually did. Admittedly, I never was very good at those 'Where's Waldo?' books. Magic Eye ones either. Plus a friend slapped me on the back while I was trying to concentrate and now I'm crosseyed.

Artist's Website (with a "name them all" contest running for a free poster)
via
Where's WALL-E of the Day [geeks.thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Mike, who named them all without cheating, making him a robotics expert and a liability. 007 -- do your thing.

Aug 18 2011 Shadow Optical Illusion: LIES, ALL LIES!!

This is an optical illusion being performed by an overturned trash can casting a shadow on a checkered picnic blanket, making it a far superior magician than you could ever be. That's pretty much all I have to say about this. Kidding, I actually have a grande finale planned. *flourishing cape* ABRACADAVER! *throws smoke bomb, trips off stage into audience*

Hit the jump AND BE AMAZED. Oooooor rude in the comments because you're a sad asshole.

Continue Reading " Shadow Optical Illusion: LIES, ALL LIES!! "

Aug 18 2011 Star Wars Coins Legal Tender For Island Nation

LEGAL TENDER WITH GEORGE LUCAS' NAME ON IT -- THE END IS NIGH!

The island nation of Niue (~1,500 miles north of New Zealand in Polynesia) is minting a series of legal tender in the form of Star Wars themed coins. The series will include coins pressed in both 1oz silver coins carrying a $2 denomination and silver-plated coins with $1 denominations. The plated coins will cost $23.50 apiece and the actual silver ones will be sold in sets of four for $469. There will be over 40 different designs in total. But wait -- what's on the back?!

The obverse of the coin features The Raphael Maklouf effigy of Her Majesty the Queen Elizabeth II sovereign of the commonwealth of Niue.

Wow -- the Queen of England gets to share the tail-side of a bunch of Star Wars coins? Her majesty must be truly honored! Oooooor too old to realize what she was signing when the deal went down. *drafts up bill of sale for England*

Hit the jump for several more shots of the designs and a link to the product page because, let's not kid ourselves, we all want the Han Solo one. I'm gonna roll it between my knuckles while I drive!

Continue Reading " Star Wars Coins Legal Tender For Island Nation "

Aug 18 2011 Dinosaur Era 'Living Fossil' Eel Discovered

This is a picture of recently discovered Protoanguilla palau, an eel that evolved into its current form around 200 million years ago, at the beginning of the Jurassic period. No word if they remember seeing the elusive Ceratosaurus' mating ritual, but I'd pay good money if one could describe to me in detail. "You're sick, GW." Ha, I know -- and I haven't been taking my medicine.

They found that the new species, Protoanguilla palau, had traits that matched those of the earliest eels. Things such as a large head, fused skull bones, and a small number of vertebrae made it a closer match to eels from 100 million years ago than modern eels.

The researchers then analyzed the eels' DNA and found that it dated back to 200 million years ago, near the beginning of the Jurassic period. This was around the time when the supercontinent Pangaea broke into two, and the sea teemed with a variety of life.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Spicy eel rolls. Put a little dollop of wasabi on those things and mmmm mmmm mmmm! "Hey GW -- you should really try the blowfish liver." Haha, nice try buddy -- don't those give you the runs? "Something like that." Good thing I already have them -- bring on the blowfish liver!

Living Fossil Eel Found in Palau [thirdage]

Thanks to wok, who would not hesitate to stir-fry that mamma-jamma with some water chestnuts and bamboo shoots.

Aug 18 2011 IBM Creates Brain-Mimicking Computer Chips

So IBM was awarded a (surprise!) DARPA government grant to more or less create Skynet computer chips and, what do you know, they're making progress. BUT NOT FOR LONG! *pulling wires out of back of computer* "Why'd you do that?" I DON'T F***ING KNOW, I GET EXCITED! Hey -- why'd my monitor go black?

The announcement comes nearly three years after IBM and several university partners were awarded a grant by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) to re-create the brain's perception, cognitive, sensation, interaction, and action abilities, while also simulating its efficient size and low-power consumption.

"What I hold in my hand as I speak," Modha told CNET by phone Wednesday, "is our first cognitive computing core that combines computing in the form of neurons, memory in the form of synapses, and communications in the form of axons...[and] in working silicon, and not PowerPoint."

Brain chips: wonderful news, really. So here's the plan. You might call me crazy, but future generations might call me the savior of humanity. This is it: we use zombies to fight the robot apocalypse for us. Get it?! They love brain chips -- they'll gobble those robotic f****ers up! Then we nuke them and earth will make me its king.

IBM says new chip mimics the human brain [cnet]

Thanks to Sgt Rebel, Drew, bsmorrow and Mike, who have all kicked zombies so hard their penises fell off (the zombies', not theirs).

Aug 18 2011 How People In Science See Each Other Chart

Note: Slightly larger version HERE.

This is small chart showing how different people in science view themselves and each other. Me? I imagine everybody wearing lab coats with taped glasses and pocket protectors. I guess you could call me oldschool. "Or Shadow Reacharound the Knob Ninja." Um, no. "Spermbeard the Penis Pirate?" Yeah, I'd still prefer oldschool.

Creator's Website
via
How People In Science See Each Other [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Georgia, who sees everyone as a peach or peanut.

Aug 18 2011 Bug Tornadoes Herald Coming Apocalypse

OMG -- the eighth plague.

Because God has wisely (the dude's smart) decided humanity's reign of terror on earth has just about run its course, here's a video featuring a bunch of recent bugnadoes (bugs + tornadoes, despite the absence of any actual tornadoes) in Missouri. Allegedly they're some sort of multi-thousand bug sex party, but that's just what a nonbeliever would have you think. And me, well, I believe.

Oh -- oh shit, I think just swallowed a bug. *hocking* "GW, stay focused -- you're falling!" Oh no -- I've lost my happy thought! *plummeting back to earth* Boning dinosaurs, BONING DINOSAURS!*soars like an eagle into power lines*

Hit the jump for the video of the end is nigh.

Continue Reading " Bug Tornadoes Herald Coming Apocalypse "

Aug 18 2011 World's Fastest Running Robot Does 6.8 MPH

Note to self: learn how to ride a bike.

The last time we saw MABEL the running robot she was tripping and falling all over herself while I cheered and fist-bumped my laptop. Aaaaaaaaand now she can run at 6.8 miles an hour. That's less than 9-minute miles. "I could run faster." No, you couldn't. Remember doing the mile run for the Presidential Fitness Award in middle school? What was your time? "I faked an asthma attack halfway through." Exactly. I took 18-minutes and vomited.

Hit the jump and then add the University of Michigan to your shit-list.

Continue Reading " World's Fastest Running Robot Does 6.8 MPH "

Aug 18 2011 Bad Hair Day: 40K Watts Of Bass To The Face

Bass like low frequency sound NOT bass like smallmouth and largemouth. Nobody wants 40K of those in their face. "Schpeeak for yourshellf." GOD -- GET THE F*** OUT OF HERE, GOLLUM! This is a woman subjecting her head to 40,000 watts of BASS TO THE FACE. The video reminded me of how your hair stands on end when you touch one of those big electric metal balls at the the science museum. What are those called? "Magneto's?" Yes -- THOSE.

Hit the jump for 40-seconds of hair-raising permanent damage.

Continue Reading " Bad Hair Day: 40K Watts Of Bass To The Face "

Aug 17 2011 That's It, I'm Moving To Space: 'Brain Eating Amoebas' Claim Second US Victim In Month

Because we don't already have enough terrifying things to worry about killing us (I'm looking at you, champagne corks!), you can officially add 'brain-eating amoebas' to the long list of shit to be scared of. Wonderful, just wonderful. *absentmindedly tonguing cyanide capsule*

Usually found in warm, stagnant water in freshwater lakes, ponds, and rivers, the parasite "enters the nasal passages ... and migrates to the olfactory nerves, eventually invading the brain," according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It almost always causes meningitis. Symptoms include fever, nausea, stiff neck and a frontal headache.

Thirty-two infections of the parasite were reported in the U.S. between 2001 and 2010, CDC spokeswoman Christine Pearson told The Lookout, adding that infections are almost always deadly.

Aaaaaaaand I'm never swimming again. Or showering. Or, you know what -- drinking anything. Basically I'm just going to die. But not by some f***ing brain-eating amoeba! I'm calling it a win.

'Brain-eating amoeba' claims second victim this month [yahoonews]

Thanks to Emilio, Michael-C and The Superficial Writer, who're so smart they'd each be like two meals for brain-eating amoebas. Hoho -- a friendly shoutout appears!

Aug 17 2011 See You In My Nightmares: Another Creepy Hunchbacked Rear-Leg-Walking Demon Cat

I'm assuming you all saw the first video of a Hunchback Frankencat. But if not don't worry, I posted that one after the jump too. What I did NOT post after the jump was 'NO BILLS'. You think I give a shit if you tack a New Kids on the Block poster up in the comments? I do not. That's your area, you can decorate it however you like. Unless it's tagging the walls with 'FIRST' a million times, in which case I will lock you all in there and set the f***ing building on fire.

Hit the jump for the videos.

Continue Reading " See You In My Nightmares: Another Creepy Hunchbacked Rear-Leg-Walking Demon Cat "

Aug 17 2011 I Think I Just Sent It A Nudie Pic: NYC Parking Meters To Accept Smartphone Payments

Now that -- that's my kinda English.

Apparently similar systems already exist in Atlanta and Washington, but I've never heard about them SO IT'S NEWS TO ME. Also, that you're not allowed to park on the sidewalk just because you're out of quarters. I call bullshit! Also, those $6/minute sexy-talk numbers. Rock bottom: I am beneath those rocks.

The city is set to equip 300 parking spots in the coming months with a new tech that allows you to pay for parking using your phone. You'll need to complete a one-time registration online, but after that you simply text the parking meter number and the amount of time you want to a special number, or use an app to do the same. Time running low? You'll be notified and given the option to feed the meter without having the trudge back to your car. Not bad!

Wow, they actually had the decency to include a warning notification?! That's amazing. Because there's nothing worse than stumbling out of the bar to find you've gotten a ticket. Get it? BECAUSE YOU SHOULDN'T BE DRINKING AND DRIVING.

NYC to test out parking meters you can fill from your phone [dvice]

Thanks to Pastor, who preaches the good word. What's the good word today, father? "Afternoon nap". AMEN TO THAT.

Aug 17 2011 Impressive Super Mario Bros. World 1-1 In Stop Motion Paper Animation

This is stop motion animation of Super Mario Bros. world 1-1 made entirely out of paper. "Toilet paper?" Don't be stupid, we're not rolling our high school principal's house. Or are we? Because I want in if we are. "No way -- don't you remember what happened last time?" Yeah, we rolled the wrong house. "And?" And then got hit by a car running across the street. So what, lightning never strikes the same place twice. "WTF does that have to do with anything?!" *puts on ski mask backwards* Let's roll.

Hit the jump for the video set to Mario theme full orchestration. HOLY F*** THAT'S FANCY!

Continue Reading " Impressive Super Mario Bros. World 1-1 In Stop Motion Paper Animation "

Aug 17 2011 Finally!: The Brain Regions Associated With Female Sexual Stimulation Mapped Out

I was really hoping for more of an 'X marks the spot' kinda map, but hey -- virgins beggars can't be choosers. Beggars can threaten to kill you if you don't give them a cigarette though. That's like the one thing they're allowed. So yeah, scientists have successfully mapped the regions of the brain associated with the stimulation of the clitoris, cervix, vagina and nipples, making this post waaaaaaaay out of the realm of my expertise (I only know dinos and killer robots and neither one very well).

Not surprisingly, the brain region associated with sensation from the clitoris was distinct from those that respond to stimulation of the cervix or vagina. Each area of the genitals showed up in its own spot, clustered in one region of the brain -- the same region associated with genital stimulation in men -- overlapping but separate.

What the researchers did not anticipate was that sensation from the nipples also excited the brain within the same region, right alongside the areas corresponding to genital stimulation, according to lead author Barry Komisaruk, a professor of psychology at Rutgers University. "That was completely unexpected," he says. It would help explain why the nipples are erogenous zones in women, he says.

No word how the study was actually conducted, but I'm reaaaaaaally regretting not being involved.

The Female Erotic Brain, Mapped [time] with more info, including how the study was actually conducted (with women rubbing themselves with their heads in an MRI)
and
Sex on the brain: What turns women on, mapped out [newscientist]

Thanks to Fally, who agrees a map of a women's actual privates with notations of good places to stop and things to do along the way would be much more helpful.

Aug 17 2011 Eensy Weensy Computer Is Eensy Weensy

WOULD NOT WANT TO MISPLACE JUMP DRIVE.

This is a short video of a guy toying around with what is allegedly a tiny-ass PC, but what is presumably just a tiny monitor attached to a regular PC playing a video (see Windows Media Player running on regular monitor above), and some well-timed trickery. But who knows, maybe the Keebler Elves took some time off from baking deliciousness to make a little computer. That, or doll house dolls really do come to life at night just as I expected. Are you getting this, little girls? *Godzillas the shit out of everything in sister's room* Trust me Becky -- you'll thank me later. Ooooooooor not invite me to your wedding.

Hit the jump for the FAKE! in action. Still, send it to your mom, she'll be impressed.

Continue Reading " Eensy Weensy Computer Is Eensy Weensy "

Aug 17 2011 World's Fastest Guitar-er Playing 'Flight Of The Bumblebee' At 600 Beats Per Minute

This is a video of a guy who I'll refer to as brobro but whose actual name is John (NOT James) Taylor playing Rimsky-Korsakov's iconic 'Flight Of The Bumblebee' on a guitar at 600 BPM. You know, JUST LIKE THE TITLE SAID. If you were hoping for something else you've come to the wrong place. Kidding, meet me in the back -- I've got just what you're looking for. *steps behind curtain into seedy backroom* Well, what were you looking for? "I dunno, something with sexy ladies?" Hmmm -- will you settle for two dudes Jell-O wrestling? "Are they at least handsome?" *tearing off shirt* At least one is.

Hit the jump for six minutes of pick-melting fury (but he slowly builds up so skip to 5:20 if you just want to see the 600BPM).

Continue Reading " World's Fastest Guitar-er Playing 'Flight Of The Bumblebee' At 600 Beats Per Minute "

Aug 17 2011 iPhone Users Vs. Droid Users, The Infographic

Note: This isn't the whole chart. Or even legible. Click HERE to see the whole thing, then wrap your hands in flypaper, dip them in broken glass, and beat the shit out of each other in the comments. I WILL FEAST ON YOUR BLOOD.

This is an infographic comparing and contrasting iPhone users and Droid users. Which makes a better lover? Geekologie Writers. Jk jk, I don't know anything about that business. And by business I mean pleasure because I'm not a f***ing prosty. So yeah, there's actually a lot of info presented here, I just didn't look at it too hard. OR easy. Fine, I didn't look at it at all. It could be a picture of my genitals for all I know.

Android vs. iPhone: Battle of the Mobile Operating Systems [hunch]
via
Are iPhone users bigger jerks than Android users? [msnbc]

Thanks to Ryan, who doesn't use either because he still rocks a pager and makes all his calls from payphones. Are you a drug dealer?!

Aug 16 2011 Another Day, Another Plan For A Space Hotel

So we've already heard about Intergalactic Suites, the space hotel that's supposed to open NEXT YEAR, but here comes another one. This time from Russia. With love? Probably not, but hopefully with escape pod.

Called the CSS (Commercial Space Station) it will be built 217 miles above the earth and accessed via Russian Soyuz rockets.

While the price may not seem too astronomical, with initial claims suggesting the a five-day stay may cost around £100,000 (~$164K), it's going to cost a cool £250,000 (~$411K) to get there.

With room for seven guests in four cabins, visitors to the 706 cubic feet pod will be able to see the wonders of space through huge windows.

'The hotel will be aimed at wealthy individuals and people working for private companies who want to do research in space.'

The hotel is supposed to be open for business by 2016, but in space-construction time that means like 2025. Also: $600K for a five-day stay? That's...pretty steep. Especially since I'll get claustrophobic in the first hour and end up jumping out an airlock. "You don't jump out an airlock dummy, you get sucked out -- space is a vacuum." Is it? Then why hasn't it picked up earth? Haha, stop hitting me!

Hit the jump for bunch more pics of the damn rich people.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Plan For A Space Hotel "

Aug 16 2011 YOU WILL NEVER BE A CENTAUR!: Woman Injects Herself With Horse Blood For 'Art'

Seen here daydreaming about going out like Catherine the Great (jk jk, she didn't really die that way), French "artist" Marion Laval-Jeantet has been injecting herself with horse blood as part of a performance/WTF art piece entitled 'May The Horse Live In Me'. Why? I don't know, but rest assured not a good reason.

She could not inject the plasma initially but had to build up a tolerance by injecting horse immunoglobulins and glycoproteins over several months. In February of this year, she was ready for plasma that contained the entire range of foreign immunoglobulins. What happened was interesting in that her body did not reject them, but entered her blood stream and bonded with her own proteins. The results are stunning.

"the artist, during and in the weeks after the performance, experienced not only alterations in her physiological rhythm but also of her consciousness. "I had the feeling of being extra-human," explained the artist. "I was not in my usual body. I was hyper-powerful, hyper-sensitive, hyper-nervous and very diffident. The emotionalism of an herbivore. I could not sleep. I probably felt a bit like a horse.'"

WHAT. THE. F****. "Probably felt a bit like a horse"?? Yeah well I feel a bit like a horse whenever I bite an apple as big as I can and I don't have to inject myself with greengoblins or whatever. Do I, Mr. Ed? "Wiiiiiiilllllllllllbur." Dammit you know that's not my name.

Hit the jump for a couple pictures and a video of the 'if art wasn't dead, you forreal killed it'.

Continue Reading " YOU WILL NEVER BE A CENTAUR!: Woman Injects Herself With Horse Blood For 'Art' "

Aug 16 2011 'Swarmanoid' Robotic Gang Works Together To Accomplish Tasks (i.e. Destroy Humanity)

The Swarmanoid is an autonomous group of robots, each with their own particular skills and mode of transport, that communicate and work together to accomplish a task. In this case, to retrieve a book from a bookshelf. In the future, to destroy humanity and claim the earth for their own. *Craigslists apartments for rent on the moon* F***, nothing.

When the Swarmanoid is first switched on, it knows nothing about its environment - a series of rooms with magnetic ceilings. One by one, flying eye-bots explore the rooms, searching for the target. Each one anchors itself to the magnetic ceiling once it's almost out of communication range from the other robots.

Once an eye-bot has spied the target, it signals its hanging comrades to activate the foot-bots. These rolling minions form a column from a central bot nest to the target, creating a communication chain for the hand-bot escort team.

Two foot-bots snap onto the hand-bot, escort it to the bookshelf, and release it. Then the hand-bot launches a magnet-tipped string to the ceiling and climbs the side of the bookshelf hand-over-hand, using the line for stability.

After the hand-bot grabs the book, it lets go of the shelf. Suspended by the string, the bot lowers itself gently to the ground.

Terrifying. And that's saying a lot because I stumbled into the kitchen for a little 4AM snack on my birthday and saw Dora the Explorer dead on the floor and thought I'd actually killed somebody. Seriously, like my heart fell through my butthole. Then I realized it was a piñata and pounded some Nerds and Laffy Taffy. Theeeeeeeen ralphed in the kitchen sink.

Hit the jump for the great Dragonball book heist in progress (but skip around, that shit's long).

Continue Reading " 'Swarmanoid' Robotic Gang Works Together To Accomplish Tasks (i.e. Destroy Humanity) "

Aug 16 2011 Let It All Out Bro, You'll Feel Better Afterward: Apple Fanboy Raging About OS X Lion

Note: Video is NSFW due to dirty words and NOT female nudity. Shocking, I know.

This is a video of Apple fanboy Alex Krasny raging out on why OS X Lion sucks so hard for a solid 15-minutes. It...was painful to watch. Waaaaaaaaay too painful for me, which is why I gave it about two minutes while hunting for a suitable screencap. The point is this: Alex isn't happy. And when Apple fanboys aren't happy, OH BOY, they'll eventually settle down and obey.

Hit the jump for Mr. Intensity himself.

Continue Reading " Let It All Out Bro, You'll Feel Better Afterward: Apple Fanboy Raging About OS X Lion "

Aug 16 2011 Repulsion Gel: Portal Wedding Ring Concepts

Of course they're conceptual, if they real I'd have already port-holed my way into a bank vault and I'd be on a tropical island right now sipping some tasty-ass shit out of a coconut. Truthfully, I don't even understand how in the hell Portal wedding rings would even work. But that doesn't matter, what matters is that as long as I can get the blue one and keep it in my underwear IT IS ALL GOOD IN THE HOOD. *calling wife* Hey baby -- spirit fingers.

yuumei's DeviantART
via
Marry With Portals: The Aperture Labs Portal Wedding Rings Concept [obviouswinner]

Aug 16 2011 Professional Icing Expertise Not Included: Marvel Superhero Cakelet Baking Pans

This is a cake mold from Williams-Sonoma that can create lil mini-cakes that loosely resemble your favorite Marvel superheroes. Unless your favorite Marvel superheroes aren't Captain America, Thor, Iron Man, Spiderman, Wolverine and the Hulk, in which case it just creates lil mini-cakes of Marvel's most famous superheroes. $36 takes one home, but unless you're an all-star icer it would probably be best to just make cupcakes. Case Cake in point: Spidey. You think you can pull that off without him lookin' like a Ninja Turtle wearing a ski mask? A couple of you, sure. The rest of us? The batter wouldn't even last long enough to make it to the pan. *lickin' spatula like a wiener*

Hit the jump for a couple more product shots and a link to the OMG I'MMA HAVE MY WEDDING REGISTRY THERE.

Continue Reading " Professional Icing Expertise Not Included: Marvel Superhero Cakelet Baking Pans "

Aug 16 2011 It's A Sad Day: Ninja Turtles Rob A Wendy's

According to Police in Rib Mountain (NOT McRib Mountain, which only exists in your most delicious and gassiest dreams), Wisconsin, a man with a ninja turtle mask like the one pictured robbed a Wendy's fast food restaurant with a firearm, tying up two employees and making off with an undisclosed amount of loot (and possible dipping sauces). No word if he got a chili finger and Frosty to go, but I doubt it since he probably headed straight for a pizzeria afterward. Speaking of -- is anybody else surprised it was Raphael and not Michelangelo? Or WAS it Michelangelo but wearing a Raphael mask? Neither, it was a "stocky guy" in a hoody. *shaking fist* KRAAAAAAAAAAANG!

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle robbed a Wendy's in Wisconsin [io9]

Thanks to i, who agrees Master Splinter taught them better than this.

Aug 16 2011 Sacrifice Accepted: Volcanic Smoke Rings

Seen here indicating that, yes, the One Ring was successfully destroyed, Mount Doom in Mordor Mount Etna in Italy blows some celebratory bubbles smoke rings. It is only the third documented case of volcanic smoke rings and is clearly an attempt to communicate with humans. *studying smoke signals* "Well?" I think it wants us to sacrifice a virgin. "You sure?" No, it might just want us to feed it old tires.

Hit the jump for the rings in action.

Continue Reading " Sacrifice Accepted: Volcanic Smoke Rings "

Aug 15 2011 Robot Head Reads And Performs Sheet Music

So lifelike.

This is a creepy robotic head that can take a picture of sheet music with its webcam eyes, then use an algorithm to extract pitch, rhythm and lyrics (plus your soul), and perform the piece afterward. It's...not a concert you'd ever want to go to. Ke$ha either.

"Maybe it's one of those things that a robot can do better than ordinary people," Lin says. "It can read [the music] in 40 seconds and then close its eyes to sing." Most musicians need minutes to look over a new piece of music and still more time to memorise it. And the robot can sing songs from any culture, as long as the lyrics are written with Roman spellings, Lin says.

From a survey of 100 people stopped at random on the streets of Taipei, 50 per cent agreed that robotic singing was entertaining. About 40 per cent of the participants found the voice quality "similar to human voice", while another 40 per cent found it "not realistic, but acceptable".

The remaining 20% tried putting Miley Cyborg here in a headlock and set it her fire BECAUSE THEY'RE RESPONSIBLE CITIZENS. Just like the great Edmund Burke may or may not have ever actually said, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." So, given the opportunity, I urge you all to actually do something. "Oh I'm gonna." Like? "Watch TV till I fall asleep." God I hope they come for your first.

Hit the jump for a video of the BURN IT NOW, MELT ITS FACE OFF! in action.

Continue Reading " Robot Head Reads And Performs Sheet Music "

Aug 15 2011 Sleeping On The Moon: A Giant Lunar Pillow

Wanna sleep on the moon? I've actually done it before. I'm talking about being with a lady. I've never slept on the moon. Picnicked, yes, but that's because I'm romantic. Plus a magician. *produces silk rose out of top hat*

Created with 26 hi-res images of the moon's surface, the pillow not only provides a striking view of our lunar companion, but admittedly also looks pretty comfortable. Comfortable enough to justify its $1,970 price tag?

*hacking Cheeto dust* Did that just say $2,000?! "No, it said $1,970." YOU SHUT UP. Now here's what you do: draw the moon on a bedsheet in magic marker (MAKE SURE THE MARKER IS MAGIC), cut it out, and sew it to another bedsheet. Realize you forgot to stuff it, tear it back open, and throw a couple couch cushions in there. BOOM -- saved you two grand. "Why's mine look so bad?" My guess is the giant shitstain.

Full Moon Odyssey Floor Pillow - Be The (Wo)Man On The Moon [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Harr, who's slept on Venus before and said it was just like you'd expect: nipple-y. Get it? The goddess not the planet!

Aug 15 2011 Spider-Silk 'Skin' To Make Bulletproof People

That...doesn't look like it worked.

Jalila Essaid is a woman. A woman with a dream. A dream of being bulletproof. Personally, I'd just stop running with a such a tough crowd and start working on an invisibility cloak, but that's just me and I'm what they call reasonable trying to hide in the women's locker room.

The project is called "2.6g 329m/s," as 2.6 grams and 326 meters a second are "the maximum weight and velocity of a .22 calibre Long Rifle bullet from which a Type 1 bulletproof vest should protect you," according to Essaidi. Essaidi isn't looking to create a better bulletproof vest, however. Her prototype, pictured above, is a wafer formed by sandwiching a spider silk matrix between two layers of human tissue.

...last year a team at the University of Wyoming experimented with introducing the "spiders' dragline silk gene into goats in such a way that the goats would only make the protein in their milk." Researchers can then extract the protein from the milk and -- voilà! -- they have useable spider silk...

Oh man, I'd drink spider-silk goat milk. And you know what? I bet a bunch of rich f***ers at Whole Foods would too. "Peter Parker's Spider-Silk Goat Milk: Your recommended daily allowance of Spider-Man in every glass." Mmmm, I would guzzle that shit. Well, at least until I realized it didn't give me superpowers. *wipes milk mustache, tries shooting web* F*** this -- where's the Yoohoo aisle?

Official Project Site
via
Scientist wants to make 'bulletproof people' using spider silk [dvice]

Thanks to Elise and turtlebone, who like their milk how they like their sleep -- with absolutely nothing to do with spiders involved.

Aug 15 2011 Adult Diapers No More!: Mice Successfully Receive Artificial B-Hole Replacements

Bro you keep eating like that and you're gonna need TWO b-holes.

In an early step to fight incontinence (read: shitting yourself) scientists have successfully replaced multiple mice sphincters with functional, lab grown ones. The hope is that one day the technology can be scaled up to humans so that old people don't squish around and smell so bad.

The spare-part sphincters were made with some human cells, but have been implanted only in mice so far. Researchers made them by growing donated smooth muscle cells from human sphincters alongside gut nerve cells from mice in circular moulds.

By testing the replacement sphincter with electric shocks and chemicals, Bitar's team made sure that it contracts and relaxes as a normal sphincter does to keep gut contents in or let them out.

I can see it now:

"Hey honey -- how was work?"
"Great, we successfully replaced a mouse's asshole with a fake one. It can clench up and everything -- what's for dinner?"
"I just had vomit."

Artificial anal sphincter could limit bowel incontinence [newscientist]

Thanks to sphincterboy97, who may or may yes be a giant a-hole (see what I did there?!).

Aug 15 2011 Broken NES Lunchbox w/ Controller Handle

I get the NES lunchbox and 'A Game of Thrones', but what's up with the Q-tip?

This is the lunchbox redditor Masennus made after his Nintendo stopped working and isn't the first NES lunchbox we've seen on Geekologie, just the better one. I love how a sandwich fits perfectly into the cartridge slot. One time I put a piece of bread in my Genesis and it stopped working. I haven't played Altered Beast since. Just kidding, I have, but only in the bedroom. Get it? Because sometimes I dress up like a werewolf and scratch at the door.

My Nintendo stopped working. Nailed it? [reddit]

Thanks to Dihan, who made a sandwich carrying case out an old Sega CD but got bitched out when Ecco found out sometimes he was toting tuna salad.

Aug 15 2011 Watch Captain Awesome 'Deflect' (Read: Get Directly Hit With) An Artillery Shell Firework

This is a video of self proclaimed 'Captain Awesome' (real name Deck Swab Dipshit) attempting to deflect an artillery shell firework with a garbage can lid shield. He doesn't do a good job. On a scale from 1 to 10 of bad jobs he would be a sperm taste-tester.

Hit the jump for this video, an outtakes version, and another one of dude trying to hold an artillery shell in his hand (and, SURPRISE -- also failing miserably).

Continue Reading " Watch Captain Awesome 'Deflect' (Read: Get Directly Hit With) An Artillery Shell Firework "

Aug 15 2011 Plesiosaur 'Dino' Gave Birth To Live Young

First of all, Plesiosaurs aren't actually dinosaurs. Dinosaur is a generic term for terrestrial vertebrates of the time, it's just cooler (albeit entirely incorrect) to say dino instead of 'giant prehistoric marine reptile'.

Seen here in an artist's grody rendition just begging to attract sharks, a prehistoric plesiosaur gives live birth to its young. An occurrence that, until a recent fossil discovery, hadn't been proven to take place. Me? I already knew that (I went snorkeling on a recent time-machine vacay).

The study focused on a 78-million-year-old, 15.4-foot-long (4.7-meter-long) adult Polycotylus latippinus plesiosaur fossil found in 1987. The fossil's abdominal cavity contains tiny bones--parts of a plesiosaur that hadn't been born by the time its mother died.

The finding, detailed in this week's issue of the journal Science, is the first proof that plesiosaurs were viviparous--that they gave birth to live young.

"The fetus is too large to make an egg physiologically or mechanically feasible," study co-author Robin O'Keefe told National Geographic News. "And why carry a big egg around?"

Exaaaaactly -- why carry a big egg around? *ahem* Humpty. We left that f***er right where he fell!

"Sea Monster" Fetus Found--Proof Plesiosaurs Had Live Young? [nationalgeographic]

Thanks to Jordan, alexis and Muff, who agree a prehistoric Seaworld would be pretty sweet.

Aug 15 2011 Dapper Droids: Hand-Knit R2-D2 Sweaters

BEEP BOOP B-- hey handsome.

This is a made-to-order hand-knit YAAAR2-D2 sweater from Etsy seller EricaKnit. It costs $450 (~$430 more than a white sweater and cans of black, blue and grey spraypaint) and is NOT the sweater you're looking for if you're planning to attend a tacky Christmas sweater party. Back me up here, Rudolph sweater with the blinking LED nose! Remember that time I vommed on you? "Time?" Haha, times. I'd wash you but I don't want your circuitry to get wet. "A turtleneck told me I smell so bad that I can't join in any sweater games." Pfft, they play dumb shit anyways -- go ask my underwear to play hide-and-seek.

Hit the jump for a couple more of Smiley McLightuparoom here.

Continue Reading " Dapper Droids: Hand-Knit R2-D2 Sweaters "

Aug 12 2011 Astronomers Discover 'Darkest Planet' To Date

Not Alderaan?

Seen here in an artist's rendition that may or may yes have involved Photoshopping two holes out of a bowling ball, printing that out, and gluing it to a piece of construction paper, the current record holder for the universe's darkest known planet is seen reflecting less than 1% of light that reaches it. OMG -- HOW DOES THAT NOT MAKES IT INVISIBLE?! Because one time I went jogging in black sweats and got hit by a car. Jogging, LOL!

The world in question is a giant the size of Jupiter known as TrES-2b. NASA's Kepler spacecraft detected it lurking around the yellow sun-like star GSC 03549-02811 some 750 light years away in the direction of the constellation Draco [Malfoy is all over the f***ing place this week!].

"It's just ridiculous how dark this planet is, how alien it is compared to anything we have in our solar system," study lead-author David Kipping, an astronomer at the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics, told SPACE.com. "It's darker than the blackest lump of coal, than dark acrylic paint you might paint with. It's bizarre how this huge planet became so absorbent of all the light that hits it."

You wanna know why it's so absorbent? A paper towel exterior. One time I spilled a whole can of cream soda and it only took TWO PIECES OF BOUNTY to soak the whole thing up. So, that's clearly what's going on here. Bounty spraypainted black. You watch.

Coal-Black Alien Planet Is Darkest Ever Seen [space]

Thanks to the littlest princess, who promised me a picnic in outerspace. OMG -- we can take my moonicorn!

Aug 12 2011 Eye Candy: The Deku Tree Of Hyrulian Life

Note: Worthwhile full-res version HERE that I wish was in the dimensions of my desktop background.

This is the Deku Tree of Life as imagined by artist Jude Buffman (of 8-bit butcher diagram and Rainbow Brite fatality fame) for the iam8bit art show happening right now here in LA. Apparently he's got some prints of the piece for sale at the show (which I might go grab if they're still available and the price is right!), but will also be selling posters at a later date. SCIENCE!:

For my contribution to the show, I created Magna Arbor Vitae Deku (traslated "The Great Deku Tree of Life") a sprawling exploration of the evolutionary biology of the 200 most important species from the Legend of Zelda video game series. Complete with binomial Latin names (Zora Bellator and Zora Fluvialis share a common ancestor with the more peaceful species Zora Sapien, for example), the brances of the Deku tree trace the evolution of each species over millions of years. Forks in the branches indicate an extinct common ancestor of the species that follow.

You know, I can honestly say I've never given much thought to the evolution of Hyrulian species. What it would be like to bang a Goron, absolutely. Explosive. Get it? Because they make bombs! it would feel so good. Like making love to a parking lot.

Hit the jump for a couple closeups.

Continue Reading " Eye Candy: The Deku Tree Of Hyrulian Life "

Aug 12 2011 Make Mine A Skull And Crossbones!: New Medical Monitoring Temporary Tattoos

Seen here on the back of a temporary tattoo that looks suspiciously like my high school mascot (the Iroquois Spider Pirates), a new barely-there medical patient monitor awaits being wetted and firmly pressed to the breast for 30-seconds. But can you make them with pencil lead on notebook paper? And, perhaps even more importantly, does anybody here know how to write letters backwards?

With the tattoo, all the electronic parts are built out of wavy, snake-like components, which mean they can cope with being stretched and squeezed.

There are also tiny solar cells which can generate power or get energy from electromagnetic radiation.

A mass of cables, wires, gel-coated sticky pads and monitors are currently needed to keep track of a patient's vital signs.

Scientists say this can be "distressing", such as when a patient with heart problems has to wear a bulky monitor for a month "in order to capture abnormal but rare cardiac events".

Hey -- there's nothing worse than a bulky monitor. *eying old 17" CRT computer monitor* "You lookin' at me?" YES I'M LOOKING AT YOU -- I STARE AT YOUR ASS 14-HOURS A DAY! Such a sessy ass it is too. I love the wires coming out.

Electronic tattoo 'could revolutionise patient monitoring' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Amanda and JoeLicASac, who wear their medical monitors like they wear their war scars: covered up under an ankle sock.

Aug 12 2011 What Took You So Long?: Finally, A Computer Mouse With Integrated Digital Picture Frame

Makers-of-everything-sucky Brando, realizing that a computer mouse without a 1.5" digital picture of your cubicle mate's penis (thanks for that, Tony, really) is practically useless, have started manufacturing and selling 'USB Optical Mice with Digital Photo Frames' for $32. It's a mouse with a digital photo screen. It's useless. "NOT TRUE!" Hoho, look who it is -- that creepy f*** from Pan's Labyrinth!

Product Site (go on, your mom will love it!)
via
Brando Mouse with Digital Photo Frame: for Pictures of Your Palm's Loved Ones [technabob]

Thanks to Eric, who just tapes a different analog photo to his mouse every day.

Aug 12 2011 Changing Bike Gears WITH YOUR MIND

You're riding it wrong.

Toyota teamed up with bicycle-maker Parlee to develop a bike with gears you change with your mind. The future is now! Jk jk, if the future were now our transportation wouldn't even have wheels.

Before riding while using its mind-reading capabilities, a cyclist needs to train the bike to read his mind. Its "thought sensitive" helmet picks up brain waves, which are transmitted to the bicycle's brain-controlled electronic "neurotransmission. "

The cyclist acquaints brain with bike by practicing with an experimental iPhone app, moving a cube on its screen until the neural technology associates that thought with the neurotransmission. Once the link is made, all the cyclist has to do is think in that way and the bike's gears will shift accordingly.

You know, or you could flick the little levers with your thumbs. "THAT'S ARCHAIC!" You're right. God, what was I thinking? STUPID STUPID STUPID!

Hit the jump for a video of the bike build and a short demo.

Continue Reading " Changing Bike Gears WITH YOUR MIND "

Aug 12 2011 FUTURE OF INTERNET ENTERTAINMENT

Because, even though it's my birthday, it shouldn't be all about me, here's a little something for you -- it's just a little something I'd like to call THE FUTURE OF INTERNET ENTERTAINMENT. Move over, Shiba Inu puppy-cam! The Human Society of Clinton, Iowa has a webpage where, after waiting in queue, you get to control a webcam and three different motorized cat toys in their kitty room for 2-minutes. The screencap here is at the end of what was probably my best sesh, where I had like five kitties going apeshit over toy #1. THEY WERE ATTACKING THAT THING FROM ALL ANGELS! "You mean angles?" No, they're all precious lil' angels!

Play With Our Kitties [clintonhumanesociety]

Thanks to LupusYonderboy, who knows quality entertainment when he sees it and this, well, this is even beyond that.

Aug 12 2011 The Ol' Super Mario Swing Dance Routine

Awkward move is awkward for brothers.

This is a Super Mario themed swing dance routine being performed by Morgan Day and Emily Wigger at the National Jitterbug Championship or something. They didn't place. It's still pretty good though. Granted not as dramatic as you could make a Zelda themed swing routine, but I also don't want to risk somebody desecrating the Zelda franchise for me. So...we get this. Watch it, don't watch it, I'm on my third birthday beer and it's 8:24.

Hit the jump for the bideo.

Continue Reading " The Ol' Super Mario Swing Dance Routine "

Aug 12 2011 It's My Party And I Can Cry If I Want To: I'm 30

Damn -- and a good lookin' 30 if I do say so myself!

Don't worry, I'm not actually gonna cry, maybe just tear up a little. I'm trying to look at it as more of an accomplishment. The end of an era. That, despite all the terrible decisions made and stupid shit I did in my 20's, I've SOMEHOW survived a whopping 10,950 days. Thirty years. Holy shi-shi. Thankfully, I'll never mentally be a day over fourteen. Birthday aside, August is a very special month for me because it also marks my four year anniversary for writing Geekologie. In that time I've written the last 8,713 articles, at least eight of which were funny. "Six." Agree on seven? "Only because it's your birthday." Thank you -- that means the world to me. So yeah, I'm thirty today. Feel free to drop some love/hate/dead birds in the comments -- I don't f***ing care, now I'm depressed.

To not dying,

Your Geekologie Writer

Aug 11 2011 Levitating Girl Natsumi Hayashi

Note: Very worthwhile 16-picture gallery after the jump.

This is gallery of photographs by and all featuring Natsumi Hayashi, a Tokyo teenager who takes hundreds of pictures of herself jumping until she captures just the right one where, instead of jumping, it looks like she's levitating. That, or she just takes one and Photoshops the hoverboard out.

"The only way to get a right timing for a shot is jumping a lot," Hayashi said in an interview with the U.K.'s Daily Mail, dispelling our hopeful illusions that she's the first human being who can actually fly. "Sometimes I need to jump over 100 times to get a right shot" She does this in front of her camera, mounted on a tripod, and continues to do so until she achieves that perfect, natural-looking "levitation."

"I got the idea from an English idiom that says 'to have one's feet firmly planted on the ground," she continued. "In Japan, we have the exact same idiom. But I am not a practical person at all. Therefore, I try 'not to have my feet firmly on the ground' in my self-portrait photos to show my true self."

Oh reaaaaaaaaally, Natsumi? Is your 'real self' actually an impractical girl or -- OR -- is it a levitating witch? Ha -- no need to answer, we're gonna drown you either way just to be safe.

Hit the jump for 16 more of Natsumi's impressive work.

Continue Reading " Levitating Girl Natsumi Hayashi "

Aug 11 2011 Diablo 3 NERD RAGE TO THE MAX

Don't lie bro, you're still gonna play it.

This is a video of hardcore Blizzard gamer Francis nerd raging like there's no tomorrow (and, if he keeps up this level of excitement, there might not be) about the three upsetting game-changes coming to Diablo III. I mean he is like, REALLY F***ING UPSET about it. I'm talking 'WHO THE SHIT DRANK MY LAST MOUNTAIN DEW' upset. It's worth a watch, even if you just skip around. Did I mention he has a really addicting lisp? Because now I want one. Plus a pony. There will always be a stable in my heart for a pony.

Hit the jump and rage rage rage.

Continue Reading " Diablo 3 NERD RAGE TO THE MAX "

Aug 11 2011 I'll Believe It When I'm Cured: New Drug 'Could Treat Almost Any Viral Infection'

Scientists at MIT claim they may have found a way to treat almost any viral infection by developing a drug that causes infected cells to kill themselves. No word if we can broaden the scope of the drug and treat the Kardashians.

Human cells have plenty of defenses against viral invasion, including proteins that attach to the double-stranded RNA, preventing the virus from replicating itself after successful invasion.

This new drug therapy combines those dsRNA proteins with a protein that induces apoptosis [programmed death]. It's called a DRACO, Double-stranded RNA Activated Caspase Oligomerizer.

A-ha -- I knew that dirty Malfoy Slytherin was behind this! Obviously this is some sort of complicated biological plot to rid the world of half-bloods. You know, oooooor it could just be scientists trying to make a positive change in the world. A postive change -- LOL! Obviously it's the first one. *casts anti-STD spell on wiener*

New Drug Can Treat Almost Any Viral Infection By Killing the Body's Infected Cells [popsci]

Thanks to pistol, Aimie and claustroformula, who agree there's already a treatment that cures everything: cyanide. I keep a capsule under my tongue just in case I catch something.

Aug 11 2011 I Hate Illinois Nazis: Free T-Shirts Given To Neo-Nazis Reveal Secret Message After Wash

This is a t-shirt given to failure at life German Neo-Nazi at a recent "right-wing extremist rock concert". Because right-wing extremist rock concerts exist. Also: should be carpet bombed.

The black shirt, complete with skulls and bones, said "Hardcore Rebels: National and Free". Too bad for them, there was a secret message hidden inside the shirt.

See, after the free shirt gets washed, it rids itself of that "hardcore" logo and displays a new message, one that tries to convince the Neo-Nazis to change. It says: "If your T-shirt can do it, so can you. We'll help free you from right-wing extremism."

Hey -- anything to help convert skinheads away from lives of idiocy is a-okay in my book. And I'm not just saying that because I'm bald and these @$$holes are giving me a bad rap, but I am and they are. What the -- DON'T NAZI SALUTE AT ME MORON, I'M THE REAL BALD YOU HITLER-DICKED F***!

Free T-Shirts Given to Neo-Nazis Revealed a Secret Message After Being Washed [gizmodo]

Thanks to ben, who was explaining in his tip how Hitler was actually a gay robot from another dimension or something and that's why I just banned his email address gave him my home number so we can talk about this kind of stuff at length.

Aug 11 2011 Owl Flying At Your Face In Slow-Motion HD

YOUR SOUL IS MINE.

Ever wanted to see an eagle-owl coming straight at your face in slow motion and high definition? Well you can mark that shit off your bucket list (unless you'll only settle for IRL) because this is exactly that! Or -- OR -- is it ten seconds of eagle-owl coming at your face spliced with a 30-second commercial for panty liners? You won't know till you watch! Wow, the anticipation in this room is palpable. Jk jk, it's the BO. Somebody f***ing stinks.

Hit the jump for the most beautiful and terrifying thing you'll see all day this hour.

Continue Reading " Owl Flying At Your Face In Slow-Motion HD "

Aug 11 2011 The 'Friday The 13th' Kill Count Infographic

Y U so mad bro?

Note: Full-res version HERE in case you're obsessed with serial killers and want to marry Dexter or something because he's so dreamy.

This is a comprehensive infographic detailing all of Jason Vorhees' victims throughout the 'Friday the 13th' movie franchise. As you can see unless you're the world's worst counter or have zero spatial awareness, he's killed a lot of people. But fear not, they were all bad people. "No they weren't." They weren't? Then why'd he do it? "You see, as a kid Jason went to summer camp and all the kids there..." *sobbing* Please don't bring up summer camp around me. God, they're lucky I'm not a serial killer. Or am I? I'm not, FBI please take note.

Jason Voorhees' Body Count In All The 'Friday the 13th' Movies [slashfilm]

Thanks to Erin and biz, who are convinced they could have taken Jason out. On what -- a f***ing date? He'd murder your asses!

Aug 11 2011 I Will See That, And I Will Buy Souvenirs: The 'How To Train Your Dragon' Stage Show

Note: VERY worthwhile video of the dragon-action after the jump.

Did you know there was a 'How to Drain Your Dragon' stage show? I did not. Usually I just pee on the floor while trying to crane my neck to see over the urinal divider and compare myself to the guy next to me. I've never won, but who cares because it's not really a contest anyways. "Yes it is too! You're just saying that cause you've never won." Straight to the bone: that's how you cut me.

Teaming up with American film studio Dreamworks, the Creature Technology Company has built 24 huge, fire-breathing, flying dragon puppets to recreate the story of 3D animated film How To Train Your Dragon in an arena.

The story...allows the creators to use more of the airspace in the arena, with puppets that soar from the ceiling. The dragon called Nightmare has a 14m wingspan and the largest villain in the show, Red Death, is so huge its head and neck alone are about the size of two of the largest beasts from Walking With Dinosaurs.

Oh man, are you thinking what I'm thinking? If it's, "do you think I could hide my boner under a pile of cotton candy?" it is! But seriously, are there going to be any adults-only showings? I'm not trying to look like some weirdo around kids. You -- you I don't care about.

Hit the jump for a sneak-peek of the live-action awesome.

Continue Reading " I Will See That, And I Will Buy Souvenirs: The 'How To Train Your Dragon' Stage Show "

Aug 11 2011 Super-Realistic Portal 2 Wheatley Puppet

This is a Wheatley Personality Core puppet from Portal 2. It has light-up effects (read: a giant blue lightbulb for an eye), is programmed with ten different quotes from the game, and is controlled by putting your hand up its ass and pulling levers or whatever. I dunno, puppets creep me the f*** out. "What about marionettes?" *shivers* GOD YOU JUST HAD TO GO THERE, DIDN'T YOU?

Hit the jump for a short worthwhile video of Wheatley in action as well as a link the build blog if you're interested in making something similar.

Continue Reading " Super-Realistic Portal 2 Wheatley Puppet "

Aug 10 2011 Oh Hey That's Cool: A Robot That Can Learn, Think And Act (KILL KILL KILL) On Its Own

Seen here about to get his coffee roofied as soon as he turns away, a professor from the Tokyo University of Technology shows off a robot fit with a "self-organizing incremental neural network" that allows the bot to learn, think and act on its own. You know, so robots really won't need us anymore. Now if you'll excuse me for a second...Hello, Mr. President? Forget the economy going to shit for a second -- we have an even bigger problem. CODE SILVER, MR. PRESIDENT -- CODE SILVER! (Because robots are silver)

In this experiment the robot will solve a problem by deciding what actions it should take and in what order. The robot will be told to pour a glass of water, make it cold, and give it to a person. The robot will decide how to do this while being aware of its surroundings and its own situation.

If the robot is told that cold water is wanted, it recognizes that after pouring the water, it can't pick up ice straight away, because it's hands are already full with the glass and the bottle. So it chooses to put the bottle down, and then put the ice into the glass.

As well as the robot's sensory information, in the form of visual, auditory, and tactile data, SOINN obtains information from other sources, including the Internet and other robots' experiences and knowledge. In this way, it gradually becomes smarter.

You know who else can learn, think and act for themselves? Troublesome teenagers. Food for thought. "Like a gallon of ice cream?!" HA -- a gallon of ice cream isn't food -- it's why you're fat. Hot Pockets for thought.

Hit the jump for a video demo of deathbot's capabilities.

Continue Reading " Oh Hey That's Cool: A Robot That Can Learn, Think And Act (KILL KILL KILL) On Its Own "

Aug 10 2011 For Sale: One Egg Of Silence 'Personal Office' (Read: Private Play-With-Yourself Chamber)

Note: Full-res version of the entire Craigslist ad with complete humorous description HERE since the sun (and Craigslist ads) don't shine forever.

This is a humorous Craigslist ad for a $3,000 'Egg of Silence' personal office. When you strip away the custom paint job, it's basically a used masturbation chamber. Some ad highlights (but click HERE to read the whole thing, it's all pretty good):

It is for the brave soul who would seek to shut out reality in order to quest for his/her true cyber destiny. It is for a person who knows that the rest of the world will believe that you are wiling away the hours plumbing the depths of every reason that parental controls had to be devised. It is for a person who knows that the rest of your family will believe that you will (someday)emerge from the Egg of Solitude and that when you do you will be hairy-palmed, blind, and with your face stuck that way. You know but you don't care because it is easier for them to believe this than for them to digest the truth. You are on a quest. Your Destiny Awaits.

They will not understand. They will say, "Get a job!". They will say, "Get a girlfriend!". They will say,"Where the hell have you been?". They will say, "Holy Crap - Take a shower!". They will say, "My name is on the internet account, asshole. If the FBI comes knocking I'm gonna sing like a canary. I'm not going down for you".

The Egg of Solitude was originally part of a Hospital Biomedical Research Lab. It was converted into a personal office by a visionary who was before his time. It was before the LCD flat screen., before the lap dance even. He was handicapped by the technology of his day but was not thwarted. He built it. The Universe of One.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: "Oh my God -- I actually NEED that." Haha, too bad suckers -- THE EGG OF SILENCE IS MINE!" *hot-wires neighbor's truck, backs into light pole, escapes on bicycle*

Craigslist Ad

Thanks to Pacotron, who I don't even want to know what the hell he was searching for when he found this thing.

Aug 10 2011 Düsseldorf Drift: German Guy Drifting His Shelby (AC) Cobra Around A Pole Indoors

This is a video of some nimrod drifting his (possibly kit) Cobra around a load-bearing pole in his basement. Or...something. I actually don't know what I just watched. What I do know is I was hoping it would end in carbon monoxide poisoning.

Hit the jump for your RDA of burnt rubber.

Continue Reading " Düsseldorf Drift: German Guy Drifting His Shelby (AC) Cobra Around A Pole Indoors "

Aug 10 2011 Pentagon Testing 13,000MPH Unmanned Jet

The Pentagon's poorly named Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA -- NOT DERPA, despite the terrible moniker) scrubbed another launch today for the Falcon Hypersonic Technology Vehicle (HTV-2) due to weather conditions (same as yesterday's cancellation), but hopes to get the vehicle in the air edge of the atmosphere tomorrow. WTF is a HTV-2? An unmanned jet-glider capable of pushing 13,000MPH and covering New York to LA in 12 minutes. Holy shi-shi.

Why all the fuss over the hypersonic aircraft? For starters, it's part of the Pentagon's interest in the concept of "prompt global strike" - the ability to reach out and touch targets on the other side of the globe, almost instantly, without going nuclear.

It's a controversial subject in the arms-control world, but still a long way from reality. During the hypersonic vehicle's flight last year, researchers lost contact with the HTV-2 just minutes after launch. Today's flight, if successful, will focus on improving the understanding of hypersonic flight, and maintaining communication with - and control over - a craft that is hurtling along at 3.6 miles per second.

3.6 miles per second?! Is that like, faster than a bullet? "Yeaaaaaaaaah, bullets can only do like 700MPH, NOT 13,000." Listen: I didn't ask you to bring numbers into this, just answer my question. "Yes." Yes what -- yes you'll go to the dance with me? WAIT -- YOU CIRCLED 'YES'?!?!

The Pentagon's 13,000 MPH Ride [wsj]

Thanks to R-Man Lightning, who, being lightning and all, can travel at speeds up to 140,000MPH but CANNOT be ridden with a traditional saddle (you burnt my crotch off, bro -- not cool).

Aug 10 2011 Good Idea: A Date-Rape Drug Detecting Straw

Seen here about to spike a woman's Mai Tai with a tropical Skittle, a creeper creeps on an unsuspecting pair of women. But thankfully, the straw, that, while normally clear, will turn cloudy in the presence of date-rape drugs GHB, ketamine and, after some further testing, roofies. A great idea, even if it isn't bendy.

It's the brainchild of Professor Fernando Patolsky and Doctor Michael Ioffe, both from Tel Aviv University's school of chemistry.

They haven't decided on the final design of the date rape drug detector (it could be a stirrer instead of a straw) but so far in testing, it's been 100% accurate with no false positives. Anytime they slip a date rape drug inside the drink, the straw detects it...With proper funding they hope to become commercially available in a year and a half.

Not even being able to imagine how big a f***ing failure at life it takes to resort to drugs and rape to have sex (YOU ARE ROCK BOTTOM -- KILL YOURSELF ALREADY), I'm all for this idea. I'm also all for any woman who's convinced her drink's been spiked to give it to me -- I'll finish that shit. Just consider me a knight in shining armor. One who wakes up with no concept he was rescuing princesses the night before. So maybe more like a superhero.

This Drug-Detecting Straw Might Prevent Date Rapes [gizmodo]

Thanks to mike and Ellen, who agree date-rapists should all be sent to battle lions for their freedom but then shot afterwards regardless.

Aug 10 2011 Chilean Firm Develops Anti-Fungal Underwear

Oh man, I used to play underwear space-ranger as a kid!

Chilean undergarment manufacturer Monarch recently rolled out a line of anti-fungal underwear BECAUSE GOD FORBID YOU WASH YOUR PRIVATES AND PANTIES OFTEN ENOUGH TO NOT GROW F***ING MUSHROOMS. Jesus -- it's called bleach, folks, I think about drinking it all the time.

Monarch, the Chilean company developed the technology and is now producing underwear & socks for both men & women, introduced the technology in Chile this Monday. It's like this: copper is merged with polyamide and the result is a type of oil that's then turned into a wire. Machines take these wires and weave them inside the undie fabric so that the processed metal stays in contact with the user's skin. This, as you can imagine, provides the user with day-long germ-killing delicates.

...using processed copper in your undies can eliminate the bacteria and fungi that naturally develops on human skin. Copper and its sterilizing effect, says the company, is up to 99% effective at killing nasty skin microbes.

Hey, whatever keeps my privates smelling nice and fresh, I'm down. Granted up until now it was always Febreeze or lighting incense in my pubes, but I'm open to changing. Just not my underwear, which is why my peen is all mossy. Ladies? Tree-people?

Chilean Company Creates Fungi-Resistant Undies Out Of Copper [guanabee]

Aug 10 2011 You Get The Popcorn: Star Wars P0rn Parody

Inb4 'Jar Jar anal or GTFO'

Hottest three-way ever? I'd have a hard time arguing otherwise. Granted I didn't know there was a new Star Wars p0rn parody coming out, and, now that I do, I can't actually say I'm that excited about it. It's more of a titillation. Directed by smut-peddler Axel Braun (who also directed Asstronomical -- not even kidding), the production value looks waaaaaaaaaay too high for a video that, ultimately, would still get bought if it were just two naked people boning on Star Wars bedsheets. No word if the Ewoks make an appearance, but you're not gonna score the coveted furry dollar with Chewbacca alone.

Hit the jump for the clean trailer.

Continue Reading " You Get The Popcorn: Star Wars P0rn Parody "

Aug 10 2011 Police Encourage Holster Use After Man Shoots (Extra) Hole Through Own Peener

Note: Picture unrelated but a great example of apocalypse readiness.

Arizona police are encouraging the use of gun holsters after a 27-year old man shot himself in the johnson while attempting to secure his fiancée's pink (but not Hello Kitty) handgun in the waistband of his pants before walking into a local grocery store. Wait, what?!

The gun fired, striking Seto's penis and continuing through his left thigh. The bleeding started immediately and was heavy, according to police dispatch recordings released Sunday.

"He is still conscious, there is just a lot of blood," [his fiancée], 26, told 9-1-1 operators and dispatchers.

One operator told Christopher to apply direct pressure to the wound with a dry towel or T-shirt, but to avoid looking at the wound.

"I did look at it," Christopher said. "It's pretty bad."

In the wake the accident, police are warning armed residents to use holsters, not waistbands.

Bringing your ladyfriend's firearm to the grocery story aside (make her carry it if you're that worried about an assault in the chip aisle -- she doesn't have a penis to shoot off!), the whole "gun in the waistband" idea is about as dumb as they get. *Ahem -- Plaxico! I know some of you might find this hard to believe but, SURPRISE -- sweatpants waistbands aren't designed to hold firearms! How they can even handle my gut is beyond me, but I do wear Spanx. "Two pairs?" Three.

Police urge holster use after man shoots his own penis [azcentral]

Thanks to JoeLickASac, who can only help if you've been shot in the balls.

Aug 9 2011 GAAAAAAH!: Mosquitoes Sucking Blood In HD

This is a video of several mosquitoes going to town (sucking blood, NOT boning) on some dude's arm. Why you'd allow that sort of behavior is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with dude hoping one of them is radioactive so he can be become Mosquito Man and supervillain his ass into a bank vault. If you're squeamish, I don't really recommend watching it. I can honestly say I've never needed to watch mosquitoes sucking in high definition until their abdomens are all bloated and red with freshly-sucked blood. Now that I think about, I don't need to see that in low definition. Shit, or scrambled like a porn channel you don't pay for! The point is, I regret watching it. You can't get malaria just from watching mosquitoes, right? "Can you get pregnant just from watching porn?" Good point, I should get tested.

Hit the jump and start feeling like phantom bugs are crawling around all over you.

Continue Reading " GAAAAAAH!: Mosquitoes Sucking Blood In HD "

Aug 9 2011 Dragon-Packed 'Elder Scrolls: Skyrim' Demo Sends Super-Excited Woman Into Labor

A pregnant Elder Scrolls fangirl, so excited to see a sneak-peek of the Frost Dragon in a demo of 'Elder Scrolls: Skyrim' at the recent QuakeCon, started to go into labor. No word if the child has scales. But if I had to guess, yes. Plus breathes ice crystals.

Stevi and her fiancé Chaz were attending the QuakeCon 2011 game conference in Dallas Friday and were among the packed crowd on hand to see the 40-minute demonstration of "Skyrim" (which launches Nov. 11.) That's when Stevi went into labor.

As Chaz told Game Informer:

During the demo Todd Howard (director for "Skyrim") showed off the Frost Dragon. This is what started the whole thing, seeing this must have filled Stevi with so much excitement that it sent her into labor.

As it turns out, the couple did not bolt for the hospital. Instead, they stayed on through the rest of the demonstration.

Not gonna lie, the most recent preview I watched for the new Assassin's Creed almost sent me into labor. Jk jk, but I did pop a boner, which is like the male equivalent. "No, it's not." Well in my mind it is. "Yeah but in your mind storks also bring babies." Ha! Not storks dummy -- little gryphons.

Video game dragon sends woman into labor [msnbc]

Thanks to Joseph B., who almost gave birth to a Big Daddy watching the new Bioshock trailers. Ha, I don't even know what that means but I think it happened to me too.

Aug 9 2011 The 25-Person World's Longest Scooter

Inb4 'I bet it can't even turn on a dollar'.

First of all, a 25-person scooter that requires a cinderblock to hold up the middle isn't exactly a 25-person scooter, now is it? It's not. It's a 25-person stool that creaks and touches the ground when everyone puts their weight down. But did that stop English plumber Colin Furze from building the 72-foot monster in his mom's garden? No. But a normal person, yes, it probably would have.

Although Furze has managed to hit 35 miles per hour on his modified moped, he's only been able to control it with himself on it. And even so, it's "impossible to steer" because a turn requires "about six widths of road."

Soooooooooo -- basically what you ended up building was a 25-person waste of time and resources? That...sounds like something I'd do. *spends an afternoon building a much more impressive 30-PERSON scooter* "Um, GW? That looks suspiciously like 1-person scooter dragging an 80-foot tarp." Sweet design, huh? I came up with that myself.

25-seat motorcycle shoots for 'world's longest' record [dvice]
via
Anyone need a lift? Plumber builds the world's longest motorbike with 25 seats [telegraph]

Thanks to Jody, who built a 25-person rocketpack that may or may yes consist of a single rocket pack and 24 people holding ankles.

Aug 9 2011 The 2011 World YoYo Contest Winning Routines

Meh, Rygar could do that.

Note: Just hit the jump and watch the video, you won't not be impressed.

Ever wonder what kind of dedication it takes to win a world yo-yo championship? This kind. The kind where, if a trick goes wrong, you could f***ing choke yourself out. This is Shinji Saito performing his 1st Place 2A division-winning yo-yo routine at the recent 2011 World YoYo contest (last year's winner HERE). It's what we call in the business 'INSANE'. "Holy shit, GW's into psychiatry?" No, but I did hypnotize a friend with a yo-yo once. I was all, "you are getting sleepy, veeeeeeeeeery sleepy." Then I put my hand on his crotch and he punched me.

Hit the jump and at least skip around for a little bit, it really is nuts. Also posted the 1A winner, which is equally (if not more) impressive, just not as dual yo-yo'y. Also, follow the Youtube link for a ton more from this year's competition if you're interested.

Continue Reading " The 2011 World YoYo Contest Winning Routines "

Aug 9 2011 Baking Equations: Physics-Themed Cupcakes

This is a small series of physics (NOT chemistry) themed cupcakes created by a young baker to celebrate their last day of high school physics class. Me? I skipped school and went to the bong store, then drank Mad Dog 20/20's in a public park with a couple of my bros from show choir. So yeah, physics themed cupcakes -- there's only one thing better: an entire physics themed CAKE cake. Get it? Because it's so much bigger. And bigger always = better when you're as fat as I am.

Hit the jump for a closeup of the black-hole one. "I'm going to eat you now, planets!" "Oh no, please don't eat us!" "TOO BAD, GOBBLE GOBBLE!"

Continue Reading " Baking Equations: Physics-Themed Cupcakes "

Aug 9 2011 $350 Nonfunctional Computer Part Sandals

This is a pair of $350 "data sandals" by Etsy seller PCB Creations, whose specialty is creating art out of printed circuitboards and other discarded computer pieces. OMG -- make me a computer monitor space helmet!

Its summer and time to show off a unique pair of Data Sandals, these were fashioned from PC mother boards, ribbon wire and a host of other electronic components all put together to make these highly detailed and one of a kind Sandals. You're going to enjoy just staring at these for hours.

On the scale of things I'd actually enjoy staring at for hours (with some fine ass yam-yams being an 11, crying baby a 0), computer-part sandals are actually pretty low on the list. Like a 2, tops. Still, worlds better than watching a dog drag its ass on the carpet. *ahem* I said, "still, worlds better than watching a dog drag its ass on the carpet." DAMMIT CHLOE, PAY ATTENTION!

PCB Creation's Etsy Store (with several other art pieces and circuitboard covered journals)
via
Geeky 'Sandals' Are Made from PC Motherboards [discovery]

Thanks to turtlebone, who noted, "step on a crack, break your mother(board)'s back", effectively making my job a lot easier. Thanks for that brobro.

Aug 9 2011 But Seriously -- How The F*** Do They Work?: Stack Of Magnets "Float" Down A Copper Pipe

This is a video of a stack of neodymium magnets 'floating' down a length of copper pipe. I watched it like ten times while trying to brainstorm a functional hoverboard design with no luck. Dammit Marty, you've ridden one -- how the f*** do they work?! "Not on water." God you're no help.

The neodymium magnets are super powerful and even though they are not attracted to the copper, they still produce eddy currents that buffer the fall as seen in the video. Lenz's Law make a great experiment for kids to adult. Also, great at parties when conversation goes stale.

You know what else is great at parties when the conversation goes stale? Stealing as much beer as you can and getting the f*** out. That or spin the bottle. But we are NOT using my ship in a bottle again -- you broke the sails spinning too hard last time.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile magnet magic in action.

Continue Reading " But Seriously -- How The F*** Do They Work?: Stack Of Magnets "Float" Down A Copper Pipe "

Aug 9 2011 Will Rawr For Food: Man Offers Himself As Personal Dinosaur In Exchange For Housing

Because I won't stop getting this tip until I post it (and then still for another week or two), a Vancouver man (actually -- it might be a woman) is offering his/herself as someone's personal dinosaur for a year in exchange for free housing. Sounds like a pretty good deal, right? WRONG. "No sex stuff though, sorry." HA -- and you wonder why you haven't found a taker! Just a heads up: there are very few people who want a personal dinosaur and NOT the "sex stuff". It comes with the territory. And by territory I mean raptor pit. *pretending to type with claws*

Criagslist Ad (won't last forever)
via
Pretend To Be A Dinosaur, Get A Free House? [consumerist]

Thanks to Theresa, John, Texico, kayr, smashcan, Vellan, ashley, Kat84 and Bohdi, who are all convinced I placed the ad, even though I didn't (it was my uncle -- he's where I got it from).

Aug 9 2011 North Korean Hackers Farming MMORPG 'Gold' To Fund Kim Jong Il's Nuclear Program

Now this...this is a fancy television.

Because nukes don't pay for themselves no matter how many times you insist you only brought enough cash for your own meal, North Korean operatives (if you can call a person involved in farming MMORPG points 24/7 an 'operative') have been infiltrating South Korean MMORPGs, racking up in-game gold/points, then selling them on the black market to fund Kim Jong Il's nuclear program. LOLWUT?!

Teams of farmers work around the clock from a base in Northern China. The Times says they have earned over $6 million for their efforts, over half of which has been delivered to North Korean agents in the captial of Pyongyang.

Western sources believe the money generated through these activities is used to help fund North Korea's nuclear program and Kim Jong-il's lavish lifestyle

Wait a minute -- I'M a western source and I never said it was funding a nuclear program, did I? I didn't. Do you remember what I said it was funding? "Yeah -- a secret moonbase or some shit." Exactly. Thankfully, I've seen a similar Bond movie so I know what to do.

Report: North Korea's Kim Jong-il Is Running MMO Gold Farming Racket [gameinformer]

Thanks to Matty Veets, who farms and sells WoW gold to fund pizza and beer.

Aug 8 2011 Put Your Fingers In The Eye Sockets And Rooooooooll: Severed Head Bowling Balls

This is a series of zombie/severed head bowling balls created as part of a marketing campaign for 13th Street, a German sci-fi/horror cable channel. As you can see, they were painted to look like decapitated heads, and you put your fingers in the eyes/nose/butthole/mouth. Pretty clever. Granted not as clever as getting an actual severed and shrunken head encased in a clear bowling ball, but not everybody knows a witchdoctor. Do they, Kapalu? "Ooka ooka, tally-tuka-rah." Haha, man I want a bone in my nose like that.

Hit the jump for several more shots and a video of people freaking out when they stick their fingers in the holes because they put Vasoline in there or something.

Continue Reading " Put Your Fingers In The Eye Sockets And Rooooooooll: Severed Head Bowling Balls "

Aug 8 2011 That Is Like, Waaaaaaaaaay Too Many Watts: 2,000-Watt Subwoofer Under Computer Desk

Note: Short and worthwhile video is after the jump. Just watch it.

This is a video of some guy with a 2,000-watt subwoofer under his computer desk after cranking that shit up to 11 to the Black Eyed Peas' 'Gotta Get Dat BROOM BROOM BROOM' or whatever the f*** this is. It's a good time. Well, except for his computer mouse. It ends up flipped on its back like a turtle. And you know what they say about a turtle on it's back, don't you? April O'Neil is probably riding it reverse cowgirl. "You nasty, GW!" Haha! It's true though, I really am.

Hit the jump for the BASS IN YOUR FACE!

Continue Reading " That Is Like, Waaaaaaaaaay Too Many Watts: 2,000-Watt Subwoofer Under Computer Desk "

Aug 8 2011 You Blocky, Girl!: Pixelated Samus Cosplay

This is a shot from the recent Otakon of Krystal Belcher in her custom-painted pixelated Samus Aran costume taken by deviantARTist chozoboy. It is most clever. "I could do better." No, you couldn't. You could say that having never done it before but then if you actually tried you'd realize just how inept you are at cutting cardboard and painting different colored squares and have to give up to go troll the internet some more. "Jesus GW, it's like you're in my head!" Head, or stomach? Get it? Because I hid a scab in your Subway sub in the breakroom fridge. "That wasn't my sub." Oh good, because I actually just ate it. "SONOFA!" Haha, I knew it was yours.

Hit the jump of several other shots.

Continue Reading " You Blocky, Girl!: Pixelated Samus Cosplay "

Aug 8 2011 So You're Mad On The Internet, A Flowchart

Note: This is only half the chart. Click HERE to see the whole thing because God forbid you a-holes take the moral high road.

This is a flowchart of how to respond when you find yourself upset on the internet. Me? I'm an ignorer. But there are plenty of people who shoot straight for the bottom of the barrel. And you know what we call those people? Mother, father, brother, sister, roommate, friend -- everyone's guilty of that shit. Except me. I don't have time to troll on the internet. You know why? Because I'm better than that it would cut into my nap time. You know what they say, "sticks and stones may break your bones but nobody gives a shit about your stupid internet rant". Unhurtful words to live by, my share-happy Facebook friends.

So you're MAD about something on the Internet... [notquitewrong]

Thanks to CB, who settles internet disputes the old fashioned way: backtracing your IP and showing up to your house with a musket. And to Bender, who settles internet disputes the future way: with telepathic brain lasers.

Aug 8 2011 Updated 'Cosmos' Series w/ Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Produced By Seth MacFarlane

Seen here giving us his best 'meet me behind the planetarium', acclaimed astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson is set to host the sequel to Carl Sagan's 'Cosmos', entitled 'Cosmos: A Space-Time Odyssey'. It will be a 13-part series airing on Fox during primetime in 2013 and produced by, who else, Seth MacFarlane. Wait, what?! The same guy producing the new 'Flintstones' reboot? WTFOX.

According to the producers, the new series will tell "the story of how human beings began to comprehend the laws of nature and find our place in space and time. It will take viewers to other worlds and travel across the universe for a vision of the cosmos on the grandest scale. The most profound scientific concepts will be presented with stunning clarity, uniting skepticism and wonder, and weaving rigorous science with the emotional and spiritual into a transcendent experience."

Thankfully, the series is being co-produced by the National Geographic Channel, which will show an encore of each episode the day after they air on Fox and, hopefully, keep cartoon transitions and comedic voicework to a minimum. "But that would be awesome!" Would it be? "Now that I think about it, no." So you responded before actually thinking about it? "I guess I--" GET THAT FINGER OUT OF YOUR NOSE!

Fox Orders 13-Episode Sequel To Carl Sagan's 'Cosmos' Docu-Series With Seth MacFarlane Producing For 2013 Launch [deadline]

Thanks to Travis, Iron Man and bb, who're hoping Neil gets a cool spaceship cockpit mockup like Carl did in the original. Shit was dope!

Aug 8 2011 Super Impressive Team Fortress 2 IRL Movie

This is a Team Fortress 2 themed short entitled 'Sentry Sabotage'. It is LUH-JIT. I tried to find a screenshot that would do it justice but I failed miserably. Not unlike the mandatory drug test I took for a job at Home Depot. Looks like my lifelong dream of working around power tools might finally be out of reach. *eying Superficial Writer* Haha, WTF am I talking about?!

Hit the jump for the VERY worthwhile short.

Continue Reading " Super Impressive Team Fortress 2 IRL Movie "

Aug 8 2011 United States Of Spam Texting, An Infographic

Note: That isn't the whole graphic. If it were, it would be worth like an F- in Infographics 101. Hit the jump to see the whole thing.

This is an infographic all about spam text messages. Personally, I've never received a spam text message. Well, unless those 'your account is past due' ones from AT&T count. SHUT UP I KNOW OKAY I JUST DON'T HAVE THE MONEY NOW, GOD. So rude. Sometimes I just want to dive through my phone and beat up whoever's on the other end. "It's automated, dummy." Even better, so it won't fight back. Think you can bring a baseball bat through the celltubes or do you have to travel nakey?

Hit the jump for an entire chart of things you already knew because you're so smart and I am so dumb. You are so handsome and I am so ugly. You are so funny and charming and I fart when I get nervous.

Continue Reading " United States Of Spam Texting, An Infographic "

Aug 8 2011 Geeky Girl Singing Dungeons & Dragons Song

Can I have a gumball?

This is a video of Allie Goertz singing a song about playing Dungeons & Dragons. If you're into geeky girls and Dungeons & Dragons, you should probably watch it. But if you're into geeky dudes and Dungeons & Dragons, you should probably come over to my buddy Pete's house tonight around 8PM and bring a ton of lube.

Hit the jump for the 20-sided serenade.

Continue Reading " Geeky Girl Singing Dungeons & Dragons Song "

Aug 5 2011 Waaay Too Deep For Me: Our Universe Shows 'Bruising' Evidence Of Running Into Other Ones

The universe: you thought it ended with a wall that just went on forever, right? Me too. But apparently that's not the case. Apparently it's like a bubble with-- "wait, like a bubble in my bong?" *rolling eyes* Sure, it's like a bubble in your bong. But, instead of being surrounded by a bunch of dirty water you never change, it's surrounded by other universes. Other universes that, occasionally, run into ours. Neenee noonoo neenee noonoo neenee noonoo! Get it? That was supposed to sound like the beginning of 'Twilight Zone'. "Yeah? Well it sounds like shit." WELL YOU SOUND LIKE AN @$$HOLE.

The multiverse theory (or one of them, anyway) suggests that just outside of our universe, other universes are appearing and disappearing, each in their own bubble of space-time. Generally, these universes don't get close enough to interact, but sometimes a universe will appear right next to ours, and when that happens, we get smacked.

Getting smacked by an entire universe would definitely leave a mark. Specifically, it would leave a disk-like pattern in our universe's cosmic microwave background radiation, and this is what a group of cosmologists from University College London have been looking for. Somewhat incredibly, they managed to find some of these bruises. Four of them. And it's ten times more likely that the four marks are universe collision signatures than that they are anything else that we know of.

Oh man, most of that was like, light-years over my head. But I do understand getting smacked, and I'm more than a little upset our universe isn't the one doing the hitting. "Noooooooo, our universe is a kind and gentle universe and would never do something like that." Ha, is that what you think? Let's ask Stephen Hawking. Stephen, what do you think about all this? "ZIPZAP RIBBLE RABBLE." See? See what our universe has done to him?! I'll be at the bar.

Our universe may show bruises from smacking four other universes [dvice]

Thanks to dozer, who claims he doesn't believe in other universes. Whoa -- you do know every time you say that one falls down dead, right? "Yes." Cool let's chant it.

Aug 5 2011 Mr. Bean Crashed His $2 Millon McLaren F1

56-year old British comedic actor Rowan Atkinson, best known for playing the lovable passive-aggressive goofus (like me!) 'Mr. Bean', recently crashed his McLaren F1 (1 of 64 made -- AND THE SECOND TIME HE'S DONE IT) in Cambridge, England and is currently recovering from a minor shoulder injury. But that's not the important part of the story, the important part is my dad sent me this tip. Wait -- you, uh, read all of these things I say? "Nobody does, son." My father, ladies and gentlemen -- funniest man on the planet!

'Mr. Bean' actor Rowan Atkinson crashes his $1 million supercar [msnbc]

Thanks to my dad, who taught me everything I know about funny. Hey, you know what they say: the partridge doesn't fall far from the pear tree or something. They say something.

Aug 5 2011 Shave On The Go: Carzor Razor Fits In Wallet

Need a shaving razor that can fit in your wallet? No, you don't. Not unless you want to threaten to cut your server when they bring the bill with the hopes of scoring a free sundae. *eyes belly shaking head*

The blades come off and are stowed on the backside of the mirror when not in use, so you don't accidentally cut yourself. And it comes with a set of 'scent strips' you can adhere just below the blades, like sandal, ocean or lemon, to freshen you up while you shave. It doesn't seem to address the whole issue of shaving cream, but I guess in a real emergency that would be more of a luxury than a necessity. $17 from Infmetry.

Listen: if you don't have the time to shave at home before a job interview, you've probably already slept through it. Just go back to bed for the day and check the classifieds againt tomorrow. I mean, we've functioned for solong without wallet-razors, why do we need them now? "I dunno -- for the mole on my neck that grows a 5 o'clock shadow by 10AM?" *dry heaving* LOLWUT?!

Product Site
via
Carzor - An Emergency Credit Card Sized Razor & Mirror [ohgizmo]

Thanks to bluebeard, who's apparently one of those alternative pirate captains that likes to dye their beards different colors every month. I like it when it was auburn.

Aug 5 2011 Bad Ideas: Gollum As Wedding Ring Bearer

This is a video from some POS 'reality' wedding show that I'll vehemently deny l'd ever watch (despite the fact that like 20% of my DVR is Bridezillas I can't bring myself to delete because I might want to watch them again), featuring a creepy ring-bearing Gollum. Some show background, which I TOTALLY DID NOT copy/paste from the TLC website trying to find out what time it comes on:

Every bride thinks she's having the perfect wedding, but what if four brides agree to be guests at each other's weddings to decide which is best? Tune into find out as these brides score each other's big day for a fabulous honeymoon vacation prize.

Anyway, some couple who obviously don't understand the concept of winning decided it would be a good idea to have SOME CREEPY DUDE DRESSED UP (down?) AS GOLLUM come out of a pond to be the ring bearer. You really just have to see it to believe it. But one ring thing's for sure: that shit was classy as a Mordorf***er.

Hit the jump for more sexy than should be legal for a wedding ceremony.

Continue Reading " Bad Ideas: Gollum As Wedding Ring Bearer "

Aug 5 2011 Coffee Lids: Now w/ More Fresh Ground Smell

You know what the problem with coffee is? You can't inject it. Also, apparently some people complain about not being able to smell their coffee while they're drinking it with a lid, denying them part of the sensory sensation. You know, because taste and smell are connected (I know this because I once put a spaghetti noodle up my nose and it came out my mouth).

Coffee from your favorite donut shop has a problem. It doesn't taste as good as it should because the lid traps in the wonderful aroma. Taste is 95% smell, so you're really missing out.

Mint Urban Technologies has a solution for this sensory shortcoming. It's designed the Aroma Lid, a new cover that's infused with the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. When you take a sip, you smell and taste a wonderful, full-bodied brew.

Neat idea, right? Sure. I'm not sure if the lid changes color too if that was just poor product photography, but who cares -- the point is this: anything that makes the urine go down smoother for my coworkers.

The Aroma Lid Makes Your Coffee Smell and Taste Great [gizmodo]

Thanks to Douglas, who taught me everything I know about being pissive aggressive. See what I did there? Me neither, I think there's something in my eye.

Aug 5 2011 Ryu Vs Ken: Impressive Street Fighter Stop Motion Animation Made With Action Figures

This is a stop-motion animation of a friendly battle between Ryu and Ken complete with special AND sound effects. What a minute -- friendly battle? There's no such thing as a friendly battle! IT IS IS KILL OR BE KILLED. Or, okay, run and hide, but that's generally frowned upon.

In this video I try to make the fight back to original and not to use too much special effets, hope you guys like it, this took me around 1 month for the proccesing, and yeap I am already working with Halo and the next one will come first with the hot girl gun fight, wish you guys enjoy the show...Thanks :D

Not even sure why I bothered copy/pasting that. The only thing you need to know is it's a worthwhile video of Ryu and Ken action figures duking it out -- or, should I say, hadouken it out? ZING ZING ZING ZING -- I'M F***ING RETIRING NOW.

Hit the jump for the good lookin'. No not me silly, I'm hideous!

Continue Reading " Ryu Vs Ken: Impressive Street Fighter Stop Motion Animation Made With Action Figures "

Aug 5 2011 Human Face Spotted In Cloud Formation

Note: Skip to 1:15 unless you've never seen regular-ass looking clouds before. Although, truthfully, I'm pretty sure I did see a pig and Daffy Duck at the very beginning.

This is a video of clouds passing by before a storm in New Brunswick, Canada that somebody decided to film because, shit, it was either that or grass. To the cameraman's credit though, they did manage to catch a formation that looks eerily like a human face. And by human I obviously mean half human, half-elf, because that's clearly Middle Earth's Elrond, Lord of Rivendell. That or Link. Nice ear, bro. You could cut off half that thing and almost make two penises.

Hit the jump for the Cumulonimbus Elvenlordicus or whatever.

Continue Reading " Human Face Spotted In Cloud Formation "

Aug 5 2011 I Smell A Slip 'n Slide!: Flowing Water On Mars

According to some scientists, this is photographic evidence of flowing wa-wa on Mars. How they can assume it's water and not acidic martian urine is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do WITH NOT ADHERING TO THE SCIENTIFIC METHOD. Great, you're gonna make us look like a bunch of astrologers.

A sequence of images from the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter show many long, dark "tendrils" a few metres wide.

They emerge between rocky outcrops and flow hundreds of metres down steep slopes towards the plains below.

They appear on hillsides warmed by the summer sun, flow around obstacles and sometimes split or merge, but when winter returns, the tendrils fade away.

This suggests that they are made of thawing mud, say the researchers.

Now I know what you're thinking: "OMG -- we should bulldoze the entire mountain range and build a water park!" Haha -- fret not, my little water-winged friend, I'm already two steps ahead of you. *proudly showing off hand-painted 'WATER PARK IS TOPPLES ONLY' sign* "Um, GW -- WTF are topples?" You know, like people with their titties out!

One more shot not from directly above after the jump.

Continue Reading " I Smell A Slip 'n Slide!: Flowing Water On Mars "

Aug 4 2011 Run For Your Life: 5K Zombie Obstacle Course

Run For Your Lives is a 5K zombie obstacle course starting in Baltimore this fall. They plan on rolling more out across the country if it's successful. If it's unsuccessful, they will probably plan on not renewing the runforyourlives.com domain name and pretending nothing never happened. Which will be a huuuuuge mistake because that's a sweet-ass domain name and is probably worth some money. How the race will work:

Basic Survival

• Before the race, you will be given a flag belt, just like the overly intimidating game of flag football. These flags represent your health.
• The zombies want to take your flags and maybe eat your brains.
• If you lose all your health flags, you die. And the zombies win.
• Health bonuses will be hidden throughout the course. If you find one and carry it to the finish, it will save your life.

What You're Up Against

• Throughout the 5K obstacle race, there will be 12 man-made and natural obstacles for you to complete. Runners may choose NOT to complete an obstacle, BUT any runner who skips an obstacle will not be eligible for prizes.
• There will be zombies. Their job is to chase you and eat you -- but mainly go after your health, in the form of your flag belt. Avoid the zombies to keep your health flags.
• Use speed, strategy and your intact brains to make it to the FINISH LINE with at least ONE FLAG INTACT. If you finish with zero health flags, your time will be recorded, but you will not be eligible for awards.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it? HELL NO -- I'M NOT RUNNING AROUND IN THE WOODS WITH ZOMBIES CHASING ME UNLESS IT'S THE REAL DEAL. I don't need practice to know how to run, that shit comes natural when something's chasing you. *looking down* Admittedly, I could afford to lose some weight. "Hoho, the GW's a porker!" HOHO, YOU'RE BEIN' RUDE AS F***.

Video short about running from zombies made by the people putting on the race after the jump. Not sure why.

Continue Reading " Run For Your Life: 5K Zombie Obstacle Course "

Aug 4 2011 Steampunk Samus Aran (Metroid) Arm Cannon

This is a steampunk Samus Aran arm cannon made by DeviantARTist Skinz-N-Hydes (NOT Skinz-N-Shirtz, which is how you play kickball). Whether you're into steampunk stuff or not, you've got to admit it would suck to sit on bare-assed. "No it wouldn't." Haha, I know.

Hit the jump for a couple more pics, as well as some of his 'Glove-O-Love' steampunk arm made for a film short, but be sure to check out his DeviantART page for a ton more of steapunkery if you're into it.

Continue Reading " Steampunk Samus Aran (Metroid) Arm Cannon "

Aug 4 2011 NASA Sending These LEGO Minifigs To Jupiter

Because LEGO figures like to go on space adventures too, NASA and LEGO have teamed up to send this trio of minifigs to Jupiter aboard the Juno spacecraft, which launches tomorrow. Also aboard the Juno spacecraft: one VERY special stowaway. Get it? I'm a sped and I want off this rock.

The figures, milled from aluminum, will accompany Juno on its five-year trip to Jupiter.

The brick company even underwrote the project, at a cost of $5,000 for each of the minifigs, which will soon become the farthest flying toys ever.

Each figure has been customized to represent his or her special characteristics. Jupiter carries a lightning bolt, Juno has a magnifying glass to represent her search for truth, Galileo is carrying a telescope and a model of the planet Jupiter.

Upon arrival in July 2016, the space probe will collect data on Jupiter, its moons and atmosphere. After orbiting the planet for a year (about 33 orbits) and relaying its data, Juno will purposefully de-orbit and crash into the planet's surface.

$5,000 per figure?! I'm not sure where you're getting your aluminum, LEGO, but around here people pushing shopping carts get it out of your garbage and recycling bins by rooting around in there while you're waiting to pull into your driveway. *getting depressed* F*** I need to move.

Hit the jump for closeups of each fig and a parting shot of them mounted on the probe.

Continue Reading " NASA Sending These LEGO Minifigs To Jupiter "

Aug 4 2011 Creep Factor 11: Fake Hand iPhone Cases

There are iPhone cases, and then there are iPhone cases. Then, there are these fake hand iPhone cases from Strapya World. They make it look like you're holding a severed hand when talking on the phone. But that's not even the best part -- the best part is the price! Only $64. Any cheaper and they'd practically be giving them away! Kidding, that's a ripoff. Plus it won't even fit in a pocket. But if you do manage to stuff it in there and get a call on vibrate it will feel like a handjob...
...
...
*quietly pre-orders entire stock*

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a link to the product shite.

Continue Reading " Creep Factor 11: Fake Hand iPhone Cases "

Aug 4 2011 Sweet Lab: Swedish Man Arrested After Trying To Build 'Nuclear Reactor' In Kitchen

Were the cigarettes and fruit punch part of the experiment?

31-year old Sweden native Richard Handl (NOT Dick Grip) was arrested recently after trying to set up a nuclear reactor in his (clearly well-equipped) kitchen lab. Did you hear that, meth? There's a new illegal lab in town!

Police raided Handl's home in late July and arrested him for possession of radioactive materials.

If the court finds him guilty of endangering public health by storing the radioactive elements radium, americium and uranium in his apartment, Handl faces up to two years in prison.

Ironically, the law enforcers' arrival came after Handl addressed a query to Sweden's Radiation Authority. He did an experiment which involved a small meltdown on his stove followed by a small explosion, and wanted to know if it had been legal.

Richard Handl is one of an estimated three dozen nuclear enthusiasts worldwide to have succeeded in carrying out a fission reaction at home.

Geez, give the guy a break. He just wanted to split some atoms at home. No harm in that, right? "Tell me you're joking." No, I'm NOT joking. I've split coconuts in my kitchen to make piña coladas before and they are waaaaaaaaay bigger than atoms. "God you're dumb." *sipping tiki drink through krazy straw* Am I?

Kitchen nuclear reactor leaves Swede handcuffed [rt]

Thanks to Vance and killerabbit, who don't split anything at home except the heads of their enemies. Jesus, your places must be a mess.

Aug 4 2011 Prove It!: The Earth Used To Have Two Moons

Two moons, or one moon and a Deathstar?

Go ahead and get all the "that's no moon" out of your systems now. "That's no moon." Are we good? Awesome. According to a new theory proposed by scientists, prior to 4.4 billion years ago, earth may have had two moons. Hey, you know what they say: if you love something, let it go -- if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't, then SERIOUSLY F*** THAT MOON, IT WAS A CHEAPSKATE AND NEVER PAID FOR DINNER WHEN WE WENT OUT ON DATES ANYWAY. "Let's go Dutch" -- eff you bro, I'm a lady!

Earth once had two moons, astronomers now think. But the smaller one smashed into the other in what is being called the "big splat."

The result: Our planet was left with a single bulked-up and ever-so-slightly lopsided moon.

The astronomers came up with the scenario to explain why the moon's far side is so much more hilly than the one that is always facing Earth.

LOL @ "the big splat". We're talking about two little moons colliding, not the creation of the known universe. That would've been a teeeeensy splat at best. Like smacking a mosquito on your arm. Speaking of which -- a friend once told me if you lick up the splatter after killing a mosquito it'll get you high. Well I'm here to tell you it's not true and we're not friends anymore.

Earth's 2 Moons? It's Not Lunacy, But New Theory [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to Pat, Kelpie and Leonerd, who agree it's not the size of your moons that counts, it's how you land your lunar module.

Aug 4 2011 Battle (Toads) To The Death!: Nintendo Armor

Sweet staff bro.

Seen here moments before raiding the novelty t-shirt kiosk behind them, Lord N-64 of Cartridge and the Duke of Super Nintendonia pose for a photo op. Pretty clever, guys. Unfortunately, nowhere near as clever as my Baron von Wii armor. *struttin' that ass in CD chainmail* "Are those all Wii disks?" Oh hell no, that would be expensive -- most of these are just my sister's CD's. "LOL, your sister still buys CD's?!" She's 12! "And?" AND MAKE-BELIEVE YOU IDIOT, SHIT!

Nintendo Cartridge Armor: Great For Protecting Virginity [break]

Thanks to Duncan, not to be confused with Dunkin, which is what you do with donuts (and witches).

Aug 4 2011 Miles Morales, The Multicultural Spiderman

Meet Miles Morales, the new Ultimate Spiderman after Peter Packer (not changing it) met his demise at the hands of Green Goblin back in June (really -- the f***ing goblin got you?!). Miles is a nerdy highschooler of black and Latino descent and NOT dino and dragon descent like all my fanmail specifically requested.

Brian Michael Bendis, who has written every issue of "Ultimate Spider-Man," told the Associated Press he wanted to create a new character that came from a completely different background and world view. The idea of a multi-ethnic Spidey has long been in the works, though the Marvel Comics writer gives some credit to African American actor Donald Glover, who last summer lobbied to audition for the star role in The Amazing Spider-Man.

Hey, I'm all for it. And I'm not just saying that because I don't want you to think I'm racist because I can't even see race. OR through women's shirts. With every blessing there's a curse.

Marvel Introduces a Mixed-Race Spider-Man to Replace Peter Parker [time]

Thanks to [S]d:G, lady, Cristoff and Judie, who agree that when it comes to culture and hot sauce, more is better.

Aug 3 2011 For The Ladies (Actually, For Nobody): Nail Polish Inspired By Bruises And Periods

Because of all the vampire shit going around, blood (NOT SNOT) is like sooooooo in right now. And what better way to cash in on the venous craze than a line of blood-inspired fingernail polishes? "I can think of a lot of things." Oh, right, RON POPEIL, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

"Inspirations and references range from the vampiric gradations of a healing bruise; the moody rusts of menstrual blood..."

Respectively the colors described above are called Gradation of a Bruise...and Menstrual Last Day. And they don't apply like your average nail polish either.

"Not quite transparent, the effect is fluid and semi opaque, as if the nail itself had taken on a mysterious life of its own."

But seriously, how are you and I gonna make some money off this whole vampire thing? "I dunno --writing sensual, yet comic, vampire fiction?" OMG -- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

Vampire Victor nibbled a dame's neck tenderly -- he could tell she was enjoying herself. But he wanted to turn up the heat a bit before taking the plunge (and by taking the plunge here I mean biting her neck and turning her into a vampire -- NOT sex). Then, he went for an over-the-bra titty feel. She was receptive. He tried to undo it in the back with one hand but wasn't having much luck. He could tell she was judging him. GOD, WOMEN CAN BE SO JUDGEY ,the Geekologie Writer thought to himself.

"Wait -- I thought this was about Vampire Victor?" Oh yeah, I knew that.

I first locked eyes on Vampire Victor in the changing room of the health club...

Nail polish inspired by bruises and menstrual blood [yahoo]

Thanks to maria, who prefers loogie and bile inspired shades. JK JK SHE'S A FANCY LADY.

Aug 3 2011 Safety Last: A Driveable Arcade Racing Game

This is an old SEGA Out-Run arcade game that's been mounted to a golf cart and programmed with custom software that, using two hood-mounted webcams, turns real-world roads and obstacles into in-game roads and obstacles. Better buckle up! Jk jk, it's a golf cart -- what's the worst that could happen? SPOILER: gruesome death. Yeah, better buckle up.

The old fiberglass and wood cabinet was hacked up and the motors, wheels, and drive train from an electric golf cart were stuffed inside. The original steering wheel and pedals were used for the controls. Although the top speed of the in-game car is about 180 mph, that was brought down to a reasonable 13 miles per hour.

The build doesn't run on the original 68k processor. Instead, custom software is used to take real-world image data from two webcams on top of the cabinet. These images are then converted into Outrun sprites and displayed on the monitor. The software proportionally changes the speed of the in-game car, but it seems the difference between the game speed and real-life speed would be a little disconcerting.

Great job guys, I've always wanted to drag a jogger to their death.

Hit the jump for a video of the Need For Waaaaaaaaaay More Speed in action.

Continue Reading " Safety Last: A Driveable Arcade Racing Game "

Aug 3 2011 Should've Used A Monster Truck: Lithuanian Mayor Crushes Illegally Parked Car In Tank

This is a video of Vilnius (the capital of Lithuania) mayor Arturas Zuokas crushing an illegally parked Mercedes in a tank. Except that's not really a tank because tanks have treads (but not all things with treads are tanks!). That right there is what we call an urban assault vehicle. I assume the whole thing was staged, but the point that Mayor Zuokas was trying to make is that illegally parked cars WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. Prostitution, maybe, but not if they're gonna wear those shorts where their buttcheeks are all hanging out the bottom. Those are gross. Still, I'm not sure running over a single car in a wheeled tank-thingy is really the most effective way to deter illegal parking. No, the best way to deter illegal parking is to hide under the perp's car and slit their Achilles tendon when they come to get in. Now that shit -- that shit'll teach somebody a lesson. Just not one about learning to walk again, that's the physical therapist's job.

Hit the jump for the lamest monster truck rally I've ever seen and I've seen them put on in a neighbor's backyard before.

Continue Reading " Should've Used A Monster Truck: Lithuanian Mayor Crushes Illegally Parked Car In Tank "

Aug 3 2011 Shocking: Internet Browser Study Was A Hoax

Remember Monday's 'Internet Explorer Users are Dumb-Dumbs' study? Well, unshockingly to anybody who's familiar with the internet, is was faked. Also, 2-Pac's death. Hey, it's cool, Pac -- I ain't mad at cha.

A number of media organisations, including the BBC, reported on the research, put out by Canadian firm ApTiquant.

It later emerged that the company's website was only recently set up and staff images were copied from a legitimate business in Paris.

It is unclear who was behind the stunt.

Hoho -- falsifying a study with unsurprising results -- damn boy, you got us good! Oh, this just in: hoaxers 4x more likely to get their noses broken when discovered. Also, a brawl breaks out at a local Wal-Mart -- details at 11!

Internet Explorer story was bogus [bbcnews]

Thanks to Bender, Jerry and bb, who each have a sockful of pennies with a hoaxer's names on them.

Aug 3 2011 Would Not Crush Under A Pile Of Rubble: Custom Angry Birds Bras (Plus Others!)

This is a custom-painted Angry Birds bra from Etsy seller SceeneSchoes. She'll paint you one in sizes 34A to 38DD for $35, although you and I both know 34A's should really get a discount. That's price-gouging! You should be price-groping. Get it? Because that's what you do with boobies. Or, in my case, imagine they feel like athletic socks filled with Play-doh.

Hit the jump for the other painted bras available, including a NES controller, Princess Peach design and Pokeball Master Ball.

Continue Reading " Would Not Crush Under A Pile Of Rubble: Custom Angry Birds Bras (Plus Others!) "

Aug 3 2011 World's Largest Stop Motion Animation Film

This is a Nokia viral ad for their N8 phone featuring the world's largest stop-motion animation, which was made on a beach using a crane (that's a real boat in the picture). It's a follow-up to their world's smallest stop-motion animation and NOT a follow up to the job interview I had on Monday, which probably isn't coming (I called the dude a pecker and threatened to choke him out with a computer cord when he asked for references).

'Gulp' is a short film created by Sumo Science at Aardman, depicting a fisherman going about his daily catch. Shot on location at Pendine Beach in South Wales, every frame of this stop-motion animation was shot using a Nokia N8, with its 12 megapixel camera and Carl Zeiss optics. The film has broken a world record for the 'largest stop-motion animation set', with the largest scene stretching over 11,000 square feet.

Damn, that thing has a 12-megapixel camera? What's my iPhone have on it? "A shit-ton of pics of your balls?" Haha, you know it!

Hit the jump for the video, as well as a 'making-of' if you're curious.

Continue Reading " World's Largest Stop Motion Animation Film "

Aug 3 2011 Other 'Arkham City' Bat Costumes Revealed

Batman: Arkham City -- everyone's got a bat-boner about it. And rightfully so, the first game was the shit minus that 'combat challenges' part which made me ragequit and scream at my television for like a week straight. And here are all the alternative Batman costumes, each of which is obtained by pre-ordering the game from a different store (and one from buying the collector's edition). A breakdown, from left to right on the bottom:

Batman Beyond: UK Gamestop or NZ's MightyApe, no word on US distribution yet.
Dark Knight Returns: buy the collector's edition
Batman Earth One: NZ's MightyApe. No word on US distribution
70's Batman: pre-order from Toys R Us or UK's Shopto.net
Animated Series: pre-order from New Zealand's MightyApe, no word on US distribution
Regular Batman: buy the game from anywhere or download it illegally
Robin (unshown): pre-order from Best Buy

Pissed because you want them all? Don't worry, apparently they'll all be available as both XBox and PS3 DLC eventually. "Or will they be?" GAH -- CURSE YOU, RIDDLER! No but for real though, they will be -- or my name isn't Harvey Dent.

"Batman: Arkham City" Collector's Edition Details Leak [comicbookresources]
and
Arkham City Skins Announced so Far and How to Get Them [arkhamcity]

Thanks to Dom S. and laurie, who tried to tell me I could get an Aquaman costume if I pre-ordered from the pet store but then when I called Petsmart they just f***ing laughed at me. :/

Aug 3 2011 Geekologie Readers' Superhero Name Change

Geekologie Reader Daniel Knox-Hewson, 23, and his broski Kelvin Borbidge, 22, recently changed their names. But not to Daggerteeth Dragonslayer and Gryphondick Castlecrasher like normal people, oh no, this superduo went all out. Daniel is now Emperor Spiderman Gandalf Wolverine Skywalker Optimus Prime Goku Sonic Xavier Ryu Cloud Superman HeMan Batman Thrash and Kelvin is now Baron Venom Balrog Sabretooth Vader Megatron Vegeta Robotnik Magneto Bison Sephiroth Lex Luthor Skeletor Joker Grind. Why? I have no clue. But if I had to guess I'd say because they just graduated middle school and are stoked about never having to write their names on another homework assignment. Um, guys? What about the school that comes after middle school? "What's that?" Haha, I have no clue -- is there one?

Daniel Changes His Name To Emperor Spiderman Gandalf Wolverine Skywalker Optimus Prime Goku Sonic Xavier Ryu Cloud Superman HeMan Batman Thrash [anorak]

Thanks Emperor Thrash, and keep up the good -- er, you just keep keepin' on.

Aug 2 2011 Popping Pills: Winnie The Pooh Prescriptions

This is small chart of the various ailments the Winnie the Pooh characters suffer from and the prescriptions they're on. As you can see, they're pretty accurate. Me? I'm sort of a Pooh-Piglet-Eeyore-Tigger combo, which is why I take the weed. "Dammit GW, you sound like stoner." DO I?! *flipping table* WHAT ABOUT NOW, HUH -- WHAT THE F*** DO I SOUND LIKE NOW?! "A raging alcoholic." *sobbing* God, I just want to feel normal again. Whoa there -- shit just got real deep real quick. What do you say you and I doggie-paddle back to the shallow end and pretend this never happened?

Pooh Corner Rx [danmeth]
via
Medications For Winnie the Pooh Characters [laughingsquid]

Thanks to Jacqueline, who only takes placebos because she's a hypochondriac.

Aug 2 2011 Unlimited Detail Graphics: Allegedly Offer 100,000x More Detail Than Polygon Graphics

Sweet rocks bro.

This is an 8-minute video of Euclideon CEO Bruce Robert Dell (NOT Bruce Wayne Acer) explaining his company's 'Unlimited Detail Real-Time Rendering Technology', that's allegedly 100,000x more detailed than current polygon-based computer graphics. According to Bruce (who definitely has the pipes for educational television voice-over work), the system operates with point-cloud data, that enables point-cloud "atoms" to be rendered in real-time, in unlimited quantities. BOLD STATEMENT IS BOLD. In some of the demo-reel, they have renderings at the precision of 64 atoms per cubic millimeter, or 1-million atoms per cubic inch, and even zoom in on some dirt to prove the claim. I dunno, a lot of people in the Youtube comments are screaming, "lies!", "investment scam!", and "show some stinking animation!" which was a little awkward because when they finally died down I was the only one yelling "show some steamy man-action!" What? I had my fingers in my ears and I drifted off!

Hit the jump and judge for yourself.

Continue Reading " Unlimited Detail Graphics: Allegedly Offer 100,000x More Detail Than Polygon Graphics "

Aug 2 2011 Learn By Looking: Mobile Gaming Infographic

Note: This isn't the whole graphic, it's not even a fraction of it. Well, technically it is a fraction of it, but only like 18% (ignoring scaling). I'm not a dork, you're a dork. Click HERE for the whole damn thing.

Looking: it's the best way to learn something. There's not too much reading involved, and you don't have to listen to some stodgy old pant-crapper talk about how things were done "back in my day". Back in your day?! YOUR DAY DOESN'T EXIST ANYMORE PROFESSOR DOESN'T-KNOW-HE-JUST-FARTED-ALOUD! Mobile gaming: it's on the rise, son. If you've got the skills, now would be a good time to get into that. If you don't have the skills, now would be a good time to get some dirt on someone who does, so you can ride their coattails to cash-money. "Who the f*** still wears coattails?" Oh I don't know, ONLY THE HANDSOMEST, MOST DAPPER GENTLEMEN AROUND! *shatters lamp swinging walking stick*

Infographic of the Day: the mobile gaming world [dvice]

Thanks to Alan, who doesn't need a mobile platform to play games because he can play them entirely in his head. OMG -- me too! You ever played the one where you close your eyes then push on them real hard with your thumbs and try to guess what color you're gonna see?

Aug 2 2011 All The Rage: Glow-In-The-Dark Puppies

Because all the ASPCA needs is an influx of boring old dogs that can't glow in the dark, South Korean scientists have successfully bred a beagle that glows under UV light. A hellhound, if you will. A glow-in-the-dark beagle if you won't. Also, this isn't really new news, because the dog was actually cloned back in 2009, and similar procedures have been performed with cats and monkeys. Still, this is making its way around the internet and I didn't want to feel left out. Plus you know how I feel about old news. GAAAAAAH, I F**ING LOVE IT LIKE CANDY!

The researchers, who completed a two-year test, said the ability to glow can be turned on or off by adding a drug to the dog's food.

"The creation of Tegon opens new horizons since the gene injected to make the dogglow can be substituted with genes that trigger fatal human diseases," the news agency quoted lead researcher Lee Byeong-chun as saying.

The scientist said that because there are 268 illnesses that humans and dogs have in common, creating dogs that artificially show such symptoms could aid treatment methods for diseases that afflict humans.

Oh, so there was actually some new news: the glow can be turned on and off with a drug. Impressive, but nearly as impressive as if the glow could be turned on and off with a clap. You dun goofed, South Korea, I'mma make millions on your idea! *tapes Clapper to dog collar, feeds peanut butter-covered glowstick*

Glowing dog created by Korean scientists [christiansciencemonitor]

Thanks to JediGK, lauren, Rev Dr Dom, Spikey DaPikey, clip and Ash, who're all holding out for hedgehogs that can glow blue. I...don't get it. Why blue?

Aug 2 2011 For Grass Types: The Pokéball Herb Grinder

This is a couple shots of Geekologie Reader El Gostro's homemade Pokéball themed herb grinder. It's for cooking. Jk jk, it's for grinding marijuana. But probably not the good stuff because then you'd want one with a keif screen to prevent all those trichromes from going to waste. *whistling*

A passing of Janos or two agoes,was in a mate's place n when one of the party took out a spherical grinder to prepare the good vibe grass idea struck of how awesome would bes to have a pokeball looking grinder

Incidentally heres in Argentina we calls ems "Picachu" ( picar =grinding)

Last nite was same mate's birthday,soes wanted ta surprise him with its!

Went and gots a football(soccerball) shaped one,filed its,painted it with acrylics,added some tape n cold porcelain n glue n voilah!

A for effort, El Gostro. C for execution, but I'm going to go out on a limb stem here and assume you were high when you made it. Granted I have no room to talk, since I've never made anything when I was high except mistakes. And, okay, love. Drugs make me feel awkward during sex, folks, that's the real message here.

El Gostro's DeviantART Page

Aug 2 2011 Every Girl's Dream: Fire-Breathing Robot Pony

This is a Wiimote-controlled fire-breathing robot pony being put through its paces (turning head, breathing fire) at the recent Detroit Maker's Faire by its two mohawk'd creators. The pink one clearly stealing the other's thunder aside, there is absolutely no reason why anybody should ever make a Wii-mote controlled fire-breathing robot pony (link is to a unicorn -- MY BAD). As a matter of fact, even thinking about making one should be punishable by law. AND brainwashing. *toothpicking eyelids open* Now hold still, this won't hurt a bit. *blasting with pepper spray* Haha, I'm not really sure how the whole brainwashing thing works so I'm improvising. Now, repeat after me: robots are the enemy. "MY EEEEEEEEEEEYES!!" That is not what I said. *shaking can*

Hit the jump for the short video of the 'would not ride into battle'.

Continue Reading " Every Girl's Dream: Fire-Breathing Robot Pony "

Aug 2 2011 World's Most Complicated Connect-The-Dots Picture Produces Iffy-Looking Mona Lisa

Connect the dots -- la la la la!

Connect the dots: like word searches and mazes, they've always been difficult for me (who the f*** is supposed to remember what comes after 59 anyway? That's why God invented calculators!). So you can imagine my sense of unease when I saw this, the world's most complicated connect-the-dots picture. Created by Thomas Pavitte, the piece contains 6,239 dots, takes around 9-hours to complete, and produces a relatively booboo basic looking Mona Lisa when the fat lady sings. Which, SPOILER ALERT: she always seems to be doing around this time of day. *banging on wall* FOR THE LOVE OF LITTLE DEBBY CAN YOU SHUT UP? I'M TRYING TO F***ING BLOG OVER HERE! She's making it real hard to feel bad about stealing her electricity.

Hit the jump for a couple close-ups and a time-lapse video of nine hours packed into four minutes. Damn bro you should help me with my luggage before vacay!

Continue Reading " World's Most Complicated Connect-The-Dots Picture Produces Iffy-Looking Mona Lisa "

Aug 2 2011 Water Drop Falling In Front Of MC Escher Print

These are actual photographs of water droplets falling in front of a print of MC Escher's iconic 'Relativity'. There's a shot of the reddit photographer Smsilton's setup after the jump if you want to see how it was made, which, amazingly, didn't involve trapping a wizard in an hourglass and forcing him to freeze time. Or did it? I SAID SHOW ME THE HOURGLASS! Oh God Gandalf nooooooooooooooo!!

Hit the jump for the setup, which may or may yes have involved several stacks of CD's.

Continue Reading " Water Drop Falling In Front Of MC Escher Print "

Aug 2 2011 Soylent Green: Real Product, Not Real People

$9 Soylent Green crackers: not made with people, but with a made with people pricetag. That's a little questionable. But they are packed with spinach and "high energy plankton", so you can at least get your Popeye on knowing you're doing The Krusty Krab a service.

Soylent Green Crackers are the food stuff the world has been waiting for. A pleasing green cracker is low in fat and full of spinach, high energy plankton, and a special blend of herbs and people. Wait, what? Did we say people? DID WE SAY PEOPLE? OH SNAP - SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!! Ok, it's not really people. But Soylent Green Crackers are delicious and a great conversation piece.

Listen: if you're down to buying novelty crackers as a conversation piece, your ass needs to find some shit to talk about pronto BECAUSE THAT IS JUST F***ING SAD. Hey guys -- did you see my Soylent Green crackers on the table? They're people! LOLOL. What else, what else? So, how about that weather tod-- leaving so soon?

ThinkGeek Product Site

Thanks to David, who'll eat anything with BBQ or Polynesian sauce on it. Pfft, who wouldn't?!

Aug 1 2011 Diablo III: Must Be Connected To Internet, Cash Transactions For Game Swag, No Mods

Diablo II, a game best known for being "too satanic for my impressionable young mind" to be allowed to play EVEN THOUGH I WAS IN COLLEGE, came out in 2000. And now, *counting on fingers* 11 years later, some details have been released on the followup, cleverly titled Diablo III: Vaya Con Dios. Just kidding, it's just Diablo III because they obviously didn't read any of my letters. The bad news:

1) The game requires a constant internet connection. It cannot be played offline.

2) Mods are "expressly prohibited."
3) Items in the auction house are bought and sold for real-life money.

Well -- how do you Diablo players feel about this? "Who gives a shit, I think my mom's ordering pizza for dinner!" OMG -- Little Caesars?! Think you might have room for one more at the dinner table? "For you? No." OH LOOK FATTY HERE WANTS A WHOLE PIZZA TO HIMSELF.

Hit the jump for Blizzard's rationale for the three decisions, none of which involve "a better gaming experience."

Continue Reading " Diablo III: Must Be Connected To Internet, Cash Transactions For Game Swag, No Mods "

Aug 1 2011 Batman, The Answer's Batman: The Batquation

This is allegedly a series of equations that, when entered into a graphing program, form the Bat-symbol. I have no clue if it's accurate or not since I spent the entirety of high school math classes playing Drug Dealer on a TI-83, but I'll take their word for it. Plus I remember in Algebra my teacher held a contest to see who could make the most interesting picture on their graphing calculator. One kid did a pretty impressive smiley face. Another did a little house. Me? I used a felt-tip pen to draw a pecker on the screen. I got disqualified. PLUS detention :/

Batman Equation is Answered with the Bat-Symbol [techeblog]

Thanks to Shirley, who made her lab partner lick the frog they were dissecting because he was in love with her.

Aug 1 2011 You Nasty, Rapunzel!: A Castle Made Of Hair

Needs more loogie moat.

Castles: they're cool and I want to live in one. Hair castles: not cool, I don't want to live in one, and I think I just spit up a little. But did that stop Agustina Woodgate from creating this 4-foot, 3,000-brick hair castle? Unfortunately, no. *twirling mustache*

Woodgate's "I Wanted To Be A Princess" series used clumps of hair to create 3,000 bricks, which are stacked to form two Medieval castle sculptures. Debuting at Miami's Spinello Gallery, one piece, called Tower, stands around four and a half feet tall. Made of tightly bound hair bricks, the piece looks like clay at first glance, with varying shades of brown and grays stacked perfectly together. Blonde hair donors provided the bricking for the windows, and the senior set contributed a band of white hair for the tower's top.

I'm not ashamed to admit I eat hair. Usually if I'm swooping my special little ladyfriend's hair out of her eyes and I find a loose one I'll put it on my tongue to gross her out out until she pries my mouth open to make me stop. "Holy f*** GW, that sounds creepy as shit." I'm a catch!

Hit the jump for another, much more natural looking hair castle by the same artist.

Continue Reading " You Nasty, Rapunzel!: A Castle Made Of Hair "

Aug 1 2011 Nine-Pound Folding Fabric Canoe Fits In A Backpack (NOT IN A BREADBOX)

You know what sucks about canoeing? Trying to get in one and tipping over. Well, that, and you have to paddle, which takes work. Besides that it's okay I guess but I'd still prefer a motorboat any day. *mashing tits together* Well? I SAID GET YOUR FACE IN HERE!

The Adhoc Canoe weighs in at just 4.1 kilos (nine pounds) and shrinks down to fit into a bag that measures 13 x 23 x 70 centimeters (5 x 9 x28 inches). The frame is fashioned from carbon fiber and the hull made from aramid, a polyamide used in bike tires and body armor, among other things.

The canoe was designed by Ori Levin, but this is currently the only one in existence. "But I was wanted to add one to my emergency car kit for the next time I drive into a river!" Ha, same. Don't worry though, I added a video after the jump of a freestyle canoeing championship to make up for it. "Freestyle canoeing -- WTF is that?!" In one word? Amazing.

Hit the jump for a video of freestyle canoeing championship.

Continue Reading " Nine-Pound Folding Fabric Canoe Fits In A Backpack (NOT IN A BREADBOX) "

Aug 1 2011 They Came From Below: Possible UFO Found At The Bottom Of Sea

I bet it's a portal to Atlantis!

Is this the sonar image of a crasehd 60-foot UFO, 285-feet deep at the bottom of the Botnia Gulf? HELL NO IT'S NOT, DUMMY. And take that foil hat off, you look ridiculous.

Swedish sea treasure hunters have found something extraordinary: A 60-foot disc sunk in the bottom of the ocean, with what appears to be 985-foot-long impact tracks leading to it.

You see a lot of weird stuff in this job but during my 18 years as a professional I have never seen anything like this. The shape is completely round... a circle.

Those are the words of Peter Lindberg, commander of the Ocean Explorer. He and his team found the strange disc on June 19 2011, at 285 feet below the surface of the Botnia Gulf, which is located somewhere between Finland and Sweden in the Baltic.

Well shit, somebody needs to dive their ass down there and put this mystery to rest! Wait a minute...isn't this how Michael Crichton's 'Sphere' started? Oh shi-shi, now I'm thinking about 'Jurassic Park' again! *taking off pants*

Hit the jump for a video about the finding.

Continue Reading " They Came From Below: Possible UFO Found At The Bottom Of Sea "

Aug 1 2011 Foxconn (Electronics Manufacturer) To Hire A Million Robots Over The Next Three Years

Foxconn, the electronics manufacturer best known for making Apple's iPhones and iPads (but who also manufactures electronics for Acer, Amazon, Asus, Intel, Cisco, HP, Dell, Nintendo, Nokia, Microsoft and Sony), plans to "hire" over a million robots in the next three years to replace the humans currently handling the "menial tasks". MENIAL TASKS?! I'll show you a menial task! *picking marshmallows out of Lucky Charms one by one*

First reported in Chinese newswire Xinhua, Foxconn chairman, founder, and CEO Terry Gou apparently announced at a "workers' dance party" on Friday that the robots will replace some of the routine tasks currently performed by humans, like spraying, welding, and assembling.

Gou also said Foxconn already has 10,000 robots and that the number will increase to 300,000 next year and one million in three years.

But according to the Financial Times, Gou's message didn't come out right. Although the implication was that robots would soon replace workers at the company, apparently Gou meant to communicate that the robots would relieve workers of menial tasks--in the past, Foxconn employees had complained of being treated like robots.

A MILLION robots. Can you even imagine that? I can't. Or, more specifically, I don't want to. *begins sketching out sabotage plan on the back of a napkin* Also, WTF is a "workers' dance party"? Because that sounds like a pretty shitty morale booster sweet political party. Dammit, I want a president who can breakdance!

Report: Foxconn to Replace Humans With 1 Million Robots? [pcmag]
and
Picture

Thanks to Bear and david, who [reference something really clever from Vonnegut's 'Player Piano' so everyone thinks you're smart].

Aug 1 2011 Out Of This World: Custom Starcraft Sneakers

See what I did there with the whole 'out of this world' thing? Well it's a lie, the shoes are actually here on earth. I just did that for dramatic effect. Also, that little flourish with my cape. Yes, I wear a cape now. These are custom Starcraft sneakers made by footwear customizers Diversitile for Starcraft (NOT Witchcraft) lover Petey. This is only the Zerg design though, you'll have to hit the jump to see the Protoss and Terran ones. Or don't, it's no skin off my wiener. Well, maybe just a little since I had to spend some time editing the pictures. And speaking of spending time: a lady of the night dirty prosty actually asked me that the other night. She was all, "hey mister -- wanna spend some time?" Oh boy, I spent some time alright. Running.

Hit the jump for the other two worthwhile designs and a bunch of closeups.

Continue Reading " Out Of This World: Custom Starcraft Sneakers "

Aug 1 2011 Change Is Scary: Internet Explorer Users Are The Dumbest Web Browsers

I still use AOL.

Internet Explorer users: apparently they're not as smart as Firefox users. And Opera users, well, none of you are Opera users. Opera singers either. Except, okay, maybe the fat woman in the back with the viking helmet.

AptiQuant, a "psychometric consulting" firm that provides hiring exams for businesses, gave online IQ tests to more than 100,000 people. Visitors arrived either through organic searches or through advertisements on other sites, and Aptiquant made a note of which browser each test taker was using.

On average, Internet Explorer users fared the worst, with IE6 users at the bottom of the pile and IE8 users performing slightly better. Firefox, Chrome and Safari fell in the middle with little difference between them. IE with Chrome Frame and Camino landed on top, along with Opera, whose users scored the highest (on average).

AptiQuant concluded. "From the test results, it is a clear indication that individuals on the lower side of the IQ scale tend to resist a change/upgrade of their browsers."

The whole study sounding a little hokey to begin with aside, I use Internet Explorer 6 and I'm one of the smartest people I know! Actually, I'm the only person I know. Get it? My evil stepmother keeps me locked away in this attic!

Internet Explorer Users Are Kinda Stupid, Study Suggests [pcworld]

Thanks to Thaylor, Sam and bb, who all went out of their way to let me know their tips were sent through Opera. Except bb, she tied hers to a rock and threw it through my window.