Jul 29 2011 I Just Shot Grandma: Company Packs Ammo With The Ashes Of Your Dead Relatives

Let's face it: we all want to be shot out a cannon when we die. But cannons can be expensive to rent, and you don't want your family stuck with that financial burden. "Who gives a shit about them, I'm the one that died! They should respect my wishes." Haha, I'm with you. But, for those of you who actually love and respect their relatives, there's Holy Smoke. For $1,250 they'll pack a pound of a relative's ashes into either 250 shotgun shells, 250 pistol cartridges, or 100 rifle cartridges. BLAM BLAM BLAM! *wiping tear* Miss you grandma.

An account of the company's creation by one of its founders reveals that he is clearly some sort of lunatic:

My friend smiled and said "You know I've thought about this for some time and I want to be cremated. Then I want my ashes put into some turkey load shotgun shells and have someone that knows how to turkey hunt use the shotgun shells with my ashes to shoot a turkey. That way I will rest in peace knowing that the last thing that one turkey will see is me, screaming at him at about 900 feet per second."

Awh yeah, way to stick to those dickhead turkeys! Always gobble-gobbling and shit, NOW YOU GONNA PAY. But seriously, I'm 100% behind this idea. And, since the average human body produces 4 to 6-pounds of ash, you could really get a lot of ammo out of somebody! Me? I'd probably produce at least 10-pounds. Plus a couple coins that never passed.

Holy Smoke Product Site
via
Honor Your Dead Loved Ones by Stuffing Their Ashes in a Bullet and Shooting It [gizmodo]

Thanks to TJ, who, based on some of the info in his tip, is waaaaaaaaaaay too familiar with the cremation process to have never burned a witch.

Jul 29 2011 Oh You Know, It's Just A Bentley, Mercedes, Ferrari, Aston Martin & Porsche Car Crash

This is a picture of a luxury car pileup in Monaco. It makes me sad and happy at the same time because 1. it's always sad to see something beautiful get damaged *eyes own battle-scarred face in mirror* but 2. I have a thing against insanely rich people. "Oh you jelly, GW?" Damn yeah I'm jelly! I'm Smucker's as a mutherf***er.

The wealthy French Riviera city state of Monaco was the scene of a pileup involving five luxury cars with an estimated value of more than $1.1 million.

The collision, involving a Bentley Azure (worth an estimated $400,000), a Mercedes S Class ($120,000), a Ferrari F430 ($230,000), an Aston Martin Rapide ($230,000) and a Porsche 911 ($130,000), occurred in front of Monaco's Place du Casino, according to Sky News.

The British TV network reported that the incident began when the Bentley scraped the side of the Mercedes before plowing into the Ferrari. Then, the Bentley proceeded to run into the Aston Martin and the Porsche.

Haha! So basically it was all the Bentley driver's fault. *eying driver in picture* Oh look, it's..."Don't do it, GW!" Fine, FINE, but only because I backed through my garage door yesterday.

Even the crashes are stylish: Million-dollar wreck in Monaco [msnbc]

Thanks to Mr. Fancy, who may or may yes have been driving the Aston Martin.

Jul 29 2011 Photo Evidence: Why Off-Brand Crayons Suck

It's not like anybody who's ever blind taste-tested them alongside Crayolas would need any more evidence, but here's a photo that helps explain why off-brand crayons suck so bad. Apparently they're made with...I dunno, people? Yeah, plus they make me color outside the lines! "No they don't GW, you just have zero hand-eye coordination." OMG -- ONE MORE WORD AND YOU'RE GONNA GET IT! "Bring it, Captain Uncoordinated!" OH THAT'S IT! *lays myself out with an uppercut*

Scientific Proof That Rose Art Crayons Suck [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Your Father, who apparently reads Geekologie. OMG -- you guys should totally talk about me at the dinner table! "So, how about that Geekologie Writer today?" "Total wanker." "Agreed, pass the Jell-O salad."

Jul 29 2011 Shoot Me In The Face, Do It Now: Cosplayers Lip-Syncing To Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way'

Hot on the costumed-heels of yesterday's London cosplayers lip-syncing to that one booboo-ass song, here comes another, this time from the San Diego Comic-Con of cosplayers lip-syncing to an equally annoying ear-bleeder. The deeper meaning of a bunch of people dressed-up as things they're not singing a song called 'Born this Way' being lost on me aside, that's not what I came to talk about. I came to talk about the song itself. Now listen: I'm all for a "gay anthem", but whatever happened to "we're here, we're queer, stop being such a stodgy bag of dipshit bigots"? Now that one, that one's catchy.

Hit the jump for the 'hey -- nobody ever said cosplayers could lip-sync'. Also, a higher-res shot of two-face.

Continue Reading " Shoot Me In The Face, Do It Now: Cosplayers Lip-Syncing To Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way' "

Jul 29 2011 Apple: Now With More Cash Than The US Gov

Apple, a company best known for its popular Apple II computer system during the 80's (right?), officially has more cash lying around than the US government. Uncle Sam? No -- Uncle Jobs. Haha, what do you mean, "I want YOU"? Moooooooom -- your brother's being weird again!

According to the latest statement from the U.S. Treasury, the government had an operating cash balance Wednesday of $73.8 billion. That's still a lot of money, but it's less than what Steve Jobs has lying around.

Tech juggernaut Apple had a whopping $76.2 billion in cash and marketable securities at the end of June, according to its last earnings report.

"We don't let the cash burn a hole in the pocket or make stupid acquisitions," CEO Jobs said last fall. "We'd like to continue to keep our powder dry because we think there are one or more strategic opportunities in the future."

"We'd like to continue to keep our powder dry"? What are you, stockpiling muskets or some shit? OMG, they're forming a militia. *mounting pony* The flannel-coats are coming -- THE FLANNEL-COATS ARE COMING!

Apple now has more cash than the U.S. government [cnn]

Thanks to killerabbit, who'll slit your throat if you even think about touching one of his lucky feet.

Jul 29 2011 Seedy: An Optimus Prime Carved Watermelon

This is Optimus Prime carved into a watermelon. Or is it a watermelon carved into Optimus Prime? "Neither, that's a cantaloupe." Can't elope?! But we love each other and our families are feuding! "Did you really just...I hope you feel shame for even typing that." I do, I really do. For everything. BUT MOSTLY FOR JUST OWNING YOUR ASS WITH WORDS!

The Optimus Prime Watermelon Carving [obviouswinner]

Thanks to khz, who once filled a watermelon with moonshine and then took it to senior center picnic because he's a terrible person.

Jul 29 2011 NOW WHY YOU DO THAT?: Scientists Create 'Living' Artificial Intelligence From Human DNA

Note: Picture unrelated but creepy as fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Because there is a such thing as evil mad scientists, a group of researchers at the California Institute of Technology claim they've created "an artificial neural network out of DNA molecules and that it can answer questions correctly." Hey, hey artificial neural network -- answer this one for me: how do you feel about hydrochloric acid?
"Burning." DAMN STRAIGHT! *emptying bottle into test-tube*

This rudimentary neural network works on a simple input-output mechanism called a strand-displacement cascade. Essentially, synthesized strands of DNA float around in water and join to other strands that have complementary base pair structures, creating an input. When such a union occurs, a strand of DNA will be shed, creating an output.

In the latest research, the team trained the neural network to play a memory game in which it would correctly "identify" four scientists based on specific yes or no questions--for instance whether the scientist was British.

Players dropped DNA strands representing an incomplete set of answers into a test tube. The network then provides the answer--the identity of the correct scientist--by fluorescent signals.

When presented with 27 different ways of answering the questions, the DNA "brain" responded correctly each time.

What in the...? I don't even know. Granted you could fill a short book with all the things I don't know, but nobody would read it because it would be all the boring shit nobody cares about anyway. I AM AN EXPERT ON EVERYTHING THAT MATTERS.

Researchers build DNA neural network that thinks [cnet]

Thanks to LupusYonderboy, Amy and turtlebone, who don't let anything but Magic 8-Balls do their thinking for them. Smart.

Jul 29 2011 World Population To Hit 7-Billion This Year

That's a lot of heads.

The world population hit six-billion in 1999 and now, a scant 12 years later, we're set to break seven later this year. That's, uh, that's moving pretty quick. Like trying to put your hand on a woman's leg as soon as she shows up for your eHarmony date.

United Nations projections call for the population to reach 10.1 billion in 2100, according to David Bloom, a professor of economics and demography at the Harvard School of Public Health, in an article published in the July 29 issue of Science.

By 2050, about 2.3 billion more people will be added, nearly as many as the total living on the globe as recently as 1950, Bloom said. Humanity grew slowly through most of history, taking until 1800 for the population to hit 1 billion.

In the past half-century, the population grew from 3 billion to about 7 billion.

Forecasts call for the world's "demographic center of gravity" to shift from more-developed to less-developed regions

I dunno, the thought of all those people kind of frightens me. Of course, I say the same thing about going to the grocery store. Which is exactly why I have my groceries delivered. "Jesus, GW, when was the last time you went out in society? Haha -- 2008, baby!

Earth to hit 7 billion mark this year, straining developing regions [cnn]

Thanks to Evil Ares, who pointed out if a single person moved to the moon it would double its current population. Aaaaaaah, because of the man in the moon. I get it, I get it!

Jul 28 2011 Batman 'The Last Laugh': A Super Impressive 15-Minute Batman Fan-Film

The title says it all. It's a well-made 15-minute Batman fan film that Geekologie Reader Alex U.'s friends made. It's got everything: costumes, decent cinematography, special effects, stunts, and choreographed fight scenes. Plus a twist ending! Now I don't want to ruin it for you, but I will say this: it doesn't involve realizing you're dead and you've been talking to a ghost-whispering child the entire movie. "Jesus GW, what else does that leave?!" Leia is Luke's sister and Darth Vader is their father!

Hit the jump and blow 15-minutes on the clock -- GW's orders. If your boss has a problem with tell him to leave a comment and I'll call him a troll straight to his tits.

Continue Reading " Batman 'The Last Laugh': A Super Impressive 15-Minute Batman Fan-Film "

Jul 28 2011 It's....Beautiful: New Form Of Cloud Discovered

Clouds: sometimes they look like dinosaurs. Other times they might look Yoda, Jabba the Hutt or a viking ship. And even OTHER times, they look like this this. A unique formation some meteorologists want to classify as a new type of cloud, and give a name. Give a name -- ha! It's not like it's gonna come when you call it.

Whipped into fantastical shapes, these clouds hang over the darkening landscape like the harbingers of a mighty storm.

But despite their stunning and frequent appearances, the formations have yet to be officially recognised with a name.

Experts at the Royal Meteorological Society are now attempting to make it official by naming it 'Asperatus' after the Latin word for 'rough'.

If they are successful, it would be the first variety of cloud formation to be given a new label in over half a century.

Asperatus?! That's a terrible name. I say we start a petition to name them 'Geekologie Writer', after the Latin word internet slang for 'that d-bag with all the word magic'. Oh -- oh geez:

Hit the jump for several more shots of the Asparagus or whatever.

Continue Reading " It's....Beautiful: New Form Of Cloud Discovered "

Jul 28 2011 Yesterday's Posts Are All Back Up Now

[Note to self: remember to delete this tomorrow]

So the server spazzed out last night and the last backup was Tuesday afternoon but we've managed to repopulate all of yesterday's eight missing posts (from sea to shining sea the Navy Laser/Gun combo to the Wet Water Homoerotic Hockey or whatever) by painful reconstruction from a Google Reader cache. It was a real kick in the ass to do though so you WILL go back and read them all and you WILL laugh or so help me God I will murder you. Ooooooooor cry my little eyes out. Haha, sike! I have big eyes. Cry my big-ass eyes out.

A special thanks to Julien, Alvin and Brittany, who all helped made the impossible possible.

Jul 28 2011 McDonald's WiFi: The Mac Versus PC Guide

Note: Slightly larger version HERE in case you're at McDonalds right now and struggling to connect to the internet to read Geekologie. But I know that's not the case, because then how would be reading this? "On my phone, dummy." Damn you rude!

This is the instruction card provided by McDonalds of how to connect to their free WiFi. As you can see, things look a little simpler for Mac users. Granted I've actually written Geekologie from a McDonalds before (I DIDN'T SAY I'M F***ING PROUD ABOUT IT) on a PC, and it's pretty damn intuitive unless you're a grandma. And, if you are a grandma, well, you're probably not surfing the internet at McDonalds anyways. "Speak for yourself, sonny-boy, this gramma is hip!" No, you're not. And to prove it, I'mma eat your nuggets. Awh shit nana is that a McFlurry?!

Mac vs. PC via McDonald's Wi-Fi guide [cnet]

Thanks to Craig, who doesn't care about the Mac vs. PC debate but will fly off the handle if you try to say BK's WiFi is better than McDonalds'.

Jul 28 2011 Mushroom Suit Decomposes Your Body After Death (Or Before -- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!)

This is "bioartist" Jae Rhim Lee wearing her 'Mushroom Death Suit', which, despite the misleading name, is NOT a costume from the Super Mario franchise. No, it was designed to decompose a human body after death by consuming it with growing shiitake and oyster mushrooms. Alternatively, throw the body to lions.

Lee's reasoning on using mushrooms, the "master decomposers" to eat her body when she's dead is that it's an environmentally friendly solution. Rather than using carcinogenic formaldehyde to pep a dead body for a casket, she believes confronting your impending death and not falling into denial is important.

The idea is to have dead bodies clothed in these mushroom suits in containers above ground while the schrooms do their thang. Lee didn't mention how long the mushrooms would need to completely decompose a human body.

I'm down. Truthfully, I'm down for pretty much anything as long as the undertaker doesn't go messing around with my privates after I die. Those people are weird, yo. "Hey -- I'm an undertaker!" Exactly.

This trained 'mushroom death suit' will eat you when you die [dvice]

Thanks to Tom, who, despite it's earth-unfriendliness, still wants to be shot out of a cannon when he dies.

Jul 28 2011 Hmmmmm: Cosplayers At London Comic-Con Lip Syncing To P!nk's 'Raise Your Glass'

Note: Yesterday's posts are slowly being repopulated throughout the day. GO GET YOU SOME.

This is a homemade music video to P!nk's (what the -- when did you get a ! in your name -- was that always there? Kidding, I don't care) 'Raise Your Glass' which consists entirely of cosplayers from the recent London Film and Comic Con lip syncing the words to the song. SPOILER: They get Jokers to do the "why so serious?" part. What?! Don't look at me like that! I didn't even KNOW there was a "why so serious?" part until I watched this video. I don't listen to Pink! Brown, absolutely. Also: to the sound of my roommate peeing. I'm not nasty you nasty!

Hit the jump for your daily opportunity to make fun of cosplayers because you're a sad lonely asshole.

Continue Reading " Hmmmmm: Cosplayers At London Comic-Con Lip Syncing To P!nk's 'Raise Your Glass' "

Jul 28 2011 Homemade 'Alien' Scrap Metal Motorcycle

Roongrojna Sangwongprisarn (damn I'd hate having to write that on top of all my homework), the 54-year old proprietor of Thailand's four Ko Art Shops (that specialize in custom scrap metal creations, because you can do that now), went and built himself a tetanus-laden alien (although it does have a Predator-ish mouth) motorcycle. This is it. It...looks like a great way to impale yourself on a giant metal alien head.

Hit the jump for two more shots.

Continue Reading " Homemade 'Alien' Scrap Metal Motorcycle "

Jul 28 2011 The End Is Nigh: Autonomous Swarm-bots Build Landing Platform For Quadrocopter

Combing the power of swarm-bots and quadrocopters -- what could possibly go wrong? SPOILER: For humanity? Everything. And now autonomous swarm-bots are capable of producing a mobile landing platform for quadrocopters with no communication with each other or the copter. WTF! I can't even pull into a parking space without taking somebody's mirror off! Jk jk, I'd never do that. *hopes the guy in my apartment building with the blue Mazda isn't reading this*

Hit the jump for the video of the 'you are clear for landing' in action.

Continue Reading " The End Is Nigh: Autonomous Swarm-bots Build Landing Platform For Quadrocopter "

Jul 28 2011 Smart: The Collapsible Keyring Shot Glass

If you haven't noticed because you don't read every day AND OUGHT TO BE PRETTY DAMN ASHAMED OF YOURSELF, the server decided to blow chunks late last night and the eight most recent articles are all over the floor by the toilet. Not sure if we're gonna be able to paper-towel them up and get them back into the tubes, but if not, I'll recreate them later tonight with the text from Google Reader. *whew* Moving on.

A collapsible keyring shot glass: because your car keys should definitely smell like hard liquor. The 1.7-oz stainless steel shot glass ($16) is perfect for the drinkers that think they're too classy to drink straight from the bottle, making them no friends of mine. Oh right Eric, you're soooooooo bourgeois. YOU'RE WEARING F***ING FLIP-FLOPS BRO.

Product Site
via
Collapsible Shot Glass for Emergency Drinking [geekextreme]

Thanks to Peter, who'd rather drink out of his hands. Been there, done that, didn't want to put my lips on the bottle because it was from a bum trading a sip for my spare change.

Jul 27 2011 Sure To Be This Summer's Hottest Hit (Don't Hold Me To That): Water-Soaked Knee Hockey

There are two kinds of fun in the world: 1. the kind that involves playing Water Soaked Knee Hockey, and 2. drugs and alcohol [Editor's note: you can't say that, GW] 2. loose women [Editor's Note: that either] 2. doing something illegal [Editor's Note: last chance] 2. the kind that doesn't. But this isn't about that second kind, this is all about $50 Water Soaked Knee Hockey.

This is the backyard game that lets two players square-off in a sliding, water-soaked game of knee hockey. Thirty tiny nozzles built into both sides of the rink spray 24" high fountains of water that saturate the surface and players, ensuring ecstatic slipping and jockeying for control of the oversized plastic puck. Each player is equipped with a soft plastic hockey stick for defending.

Admittedly, I would play and whip your ass at that. But that's not what I came here to talk about, I came here to make fun of this product because I'm a jerk. Alternatively, I could make fun of myself because I'm a self-deprecating chubster. Or -- OR -- I could write something completely unrelated about playing Water Soaked Tonsil Hockey. Unfortunately, that last option's out of the question because I don't actually have my tonsils anymore because they got infected trying to suck life's proverbial peener through a McDonalds straws. Also, this product is a giant turd in an unflushable commode. Well will you look at that -- all three in one. BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! *laps the court giving high-fives with TP trailing out of my shorts*

Hammacher Schlemmer Product Site (surprise surprise)
via
This Slip 'N Slide Hockey Rink Will Give You A Good Time, Bloody Knees [gizmodo]

Thanks to Jones, who once rode a Slip n' Slide straight into America's heart. Well, technically it was another dude's crotch but he did take home the $10K on AFV.

Jul 27 2011 GAH!: Creepy 3-D Printed Doppelganger Dolls

You do realize that thing's just a lock of hair, drop of blood and piece of worn clothing away from a functional voodoo doll of yourself, right?

Are you in the market for a creepy 3-D printed 20" Barbie doll of yourself? Because guess what? You're also in the market for a mouthful of Geekologie Writer fist if you are. THIS SHIT AIN'T RIGHT. But, for $1,750, the CloneFactory will make you one anyways, using a 3-D printer that both cuts your head AND paints it in one fell swoop. The future is now, folks, and we're living in. But your two grand doesn't stop there -- oh no -- they'll also make your doppelganger a complete custom-made outfit of your choosing. "I want a ballerina dress!" We know you do, Derrek, we know you do. Derrek's my roommate by the way. That or an imaginary friend, it's hard to tell. Not that there's a difference anyway! Get it? Because you secretly hate all your roommates.

Hit the jump for a couple more examples and a video of the process and some more finished products.

Continue Reading " GAH!: Creepy 3-D Printed Doppelganger Dolls "

Jul 27 2011 Ultra-Realistic Portal 2 Space-Core Cake

Please, no 'the cake is a lie' comments.

This is a very impressive looking 'Space Core' personality core cake from Portal 2 commissioned by Flickr users sharkhats, who were celebrating their 3-year wedding anniversary. It was created by Mike's Amazing Cakes in Redmond, Washington, and is kind of hard to tell where the inedible parts end and the actual cake begins. Granted I'd still try eating everything, but that's just me and I accidentally swallowed a coat hanger trying to fish car keys out of my stomach once. *straining* This time I'm just gonna let em pass.

Hit the jump for a shot of the cake being cut, another link to sharkhats' Flickr (which includes an equally impressive Katamari Damacy cake -- click the link below the picture) and BONUS Aperture Science Rap Video.

Continue Reading " Ultra-Realistic Portal 2 Space-Core Cake "

Jul 27 2011 Ever Want To See A Koopa Paratrooper IRL?

No, you don't. And this is why. Because they're f***ing terrifying. A very short list of other things you don't want to see in real life: a friend's asshole in the locker-room because they have shallow buttcheeks and bent over to pick up a towel. Now I know right now you might think you actually want to see that, but you don't. TRUST ME. I've been there before and ever since I've had to cancel our weekly racquetball game for the past six years. God, I can still see it winking at me when I close my eyes at night. *shivers* I see dingleberries.

Koopa Paratroopa IRL of the Day [geeks.thedailywh.at]

Thanks to can-can, still the standard in treehouse-to-treehouse communications.

Jul 27 2011 They Sure Don't Make Things Like They Used To: Amazing Automaton 'Singing Bird' Pistols

Note: very worthwhile video is after the jump.

This is a video of an expert explaining a pair of entirely-mechanical automaton 'Singing Bird' pistols (MADE ALMOST 200 YEARS AGO AROUND 1815!!) that recently sold at a Christie's auction for just short of $6-million. Unfortunately, they don't actually shoot bullets, just put on a little 'Enchanted Tiki Room' show. Think a cuckoo clock, but then think teensy-weensy and even more intricate. THEY EVEN SOUND LIKE REAL-DAMN BIRDS! The video shows a CG cutaway explaining the mechanics of it all, but I wouldn't be surprised to find out there are actually little wizards trapped inside. What? Sorcery was still big back in the early 1800's!

Hit the jump for the 'best watched in full-screen' video, and skip to 1:30 if you're impatient. Dude does have a mesmerizing voice though so I watched the whole thing and loved every second of it. Even the second I burped and it tasted like breakfast burrito.

Continue Reading " They Sure Don't Make Things Like They Used To: Amazing Automaton 'Singing Bird' Pistols "

Jul 27 2011 For Shame: The $8-Million Dino Bone iPad 2

This is the £5,000,000 (~$8.2M) dino bone/diamond & gold "History Edition" iPad 2 from purveyors of gaudy, ungodly expensive shit, Stuart Hughes. Presumably it's just a mock-up though because you'd have to be preeeeeetty f***ing stupid to have already made one of something that nobody's gonna buy. *eyes own homemade diamond & gold HD-DVD player* I dun goofed :/ Product highlights:

Encrusted with 12.5 cts of 'I'F' Flawless diamonds, a magnificent total of 53 individually set sparkling gems dwell beautifully in solid 24ct Apple logo with rear section formed again in 24ct gold weighing an immense 2,000 grams. The unrivalled imagination towards the craftsmanship of the iapd [LOLOL!!] is down to its main front frame which is made from the oldest rock the world has to offer in the form of Ammolite , sourced from Canada this stone is over 75 million years old. However to make this masterpiece even more individual, sections of a 65 million year old T-REX Dinosaur's thigh bone was splintered and then shaved into the Ammolite , then finished off with ultimate jewel , as single cut 8.5ct flawless diamond inlaid in its own platinum surround with 12 outer flawless diamonds.

Whoa whoa whoa -- THEY USED A T-REX THIGH BONE?!?! WTF!! I've been trying to get my hands (read: penises) on (read: between) two of those for like, 65-million years. Or, okay, since Jurassic Park came out in theaters. You were so close, Dr. Alan Grant! You could've had that.

Product Site

Thanks to Dan, who likes his iPads how he likes his cheese-fries: not covered in expensive shit. No truffle oil for this guy!

Jul 27 2011 Beautiful 'Mass Effect 3' Assault Rifle Replica

This is a stunningly stunning replica of an N7 assault rifle that doesn't exist yet but probably will in Mass Effect 3. It was constructed by propmaster extraordinaire Harrison Krix of Volpin props. I don't know about you guys, but I'm already pretty f***ing excited about ME3 coming out next spring. And NOT just because I'm itching to bed another alien ,but that is a big part of it. Now I know what everyone's wondering, "GW, we must know -- which crew member did you bang at the end of Mass Effect 2?!" Ha, which crew member did I bang. I dunno, THE EXACT SAME ONE I'M SURE EVERYBODY DID: Garrus. What a hunk!

Hit the jump for a couple closeups and a video of Harrison putting the finishing touches on the thing, but be sure to follow the link back to Volpin for a ton of build pics and high-res shots of the finished product.

Continue Reading " Beautiful 'Mass Effect 3' Assault Rifle Replica "

Jul 27 2011 Do Want: The Navy's New Laser/Gun Combo

The Navy, always looking for a more terrifying weapon, and a few good men "That's the Marines, moron." Oh. Let me start over. The Navy, who apparently doesn't accept contract kills by email even if you cleverly use an official looking email address like [email protected], is rolling out a ship-mounted laser/cannon combo, because you can never be sure if the enemy opted for their bullet or laser proof-armor on a particular day. C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!

Boeing and BAE are building a weapon that combines a traditional M242 autocannon--which fires 175 rounds per minute with a range of 2.5 kilometers [~1.5 miles] --with a high energy laser. They call it the Mk 38 Mod 2 Tactical Laser System. The laser will be able to target and destroy surface and air targets like small boats and unmanned aerial vehicles.

Oh man, could you imagine this thing strapped to the roof of my car? The sweetest Ford Focus ever, or the sweetest Ford Focus ever? "I thought you drove a Neon." Ha, I did -- straight into a creek.

Navy's Next Wonder Weapon Combines a High Speed 25mm Gun With Deadly Laser [gizmodo]

Thanks to Alan, who never attacks with fewer than two forms of weaponry. Smart.

Jul 26 2011 A 45-Minute Tour Of Middle Earth In Minecraft

YOOOOOOOU SHALLNOT PASS!

Want to watch a 45-minute guided tour of the Middle Earth a bunch of guys recreated in Minecraft? Haha, you already cancelled your Netflix subscription didn't you? I don't blame you. For busting ass in the elevator, yes. Plus I will never forgive. Or forget. What were we just talking about? "That time you busted ass in the elevator." Haha, I did do that, didn't I? Good times.

Hit the jump for the massive MASSIVE MASSIVE Middle Earth but damn is 45-minutes of those guys talking hard to bear (I skipped around for maybe five, tops).

Continue Reading " A 45-Minute Tour Of Middle Earth In Minecraft "

Jul 26 2011 Tropical Island Yacht (Read: Damn Rich People)

Check your bank account. Are you richer than God? Damn share the wealth brobro, I thought we were tight! Me? My bank account is empty. My pockets too. The shoebox under my bed? Nothing but a buttplug. Which, back in the day, used to actually get you something. Now it doesn't get you anything but a more awkward relationship with your Craigslist roommate because he thought he discovered your secret comic book collection. "That's still something." You're right, I should be thankful. The Tropical Mountain Paradise concept from Island Yacht Design: it's ridiculous and I wouldn't hesitate a nautical second to scheme the hell out of some rich people for one. Then play real-life Monkey Island.

This view shows the guest cabanas nestled around the pool and highlights the two deck owners' suites carved out of the front of the volcano and looking out across the bow. The interior features an owners suite located inside the volcano and spread over two decks. The living room balcony affords views out over the front of the yacht from behind the waterfall. Located behind the bedroom is the owners private spa.

Alternatively, buy a tropical island and a yacht separately. "That's crazy talk, GW." No, "candy booger basket it's stabby time I eat drywall" is crazy talk, I'm actually making sense for once in my life. You know what I think it is? This mountain air not taking my grandma's pills when I wake up.

Hit the jump for several more renderings of the must have.

Continue Reading " Tropical Island Yacht (Read: Damn Rich People) "

Jul 26 2011 Moron Trapped In Manhole Retrieving Phone

Planking: this guy wins it. I don't want to see another f***ing picture.

Idiot morons and manholes: they don't mix. According to 21-year old liar Jared Medeiros, he was attacked by gang members while walking home after drinking (BUT NOT DRUNK!) at 2AM, and they stole his wallet and threw his phone down a manhole. He then got stuck in said manhole for 40-minutes after going in to retrieve it. Unfortunately, something smells fishy. And no, not just because it's a "NO DUMPING: DRAINS TO OCEAN' storm drain either.

"I walked passed them and then one of them hit me from behind," said Medeiros, who said he was walking from his house in the neighborhood to his friend's up the street when four young men walked toward him throwing gang signs.

According to Medeiros, one of his attackers threw Medeiros' cell phone into the drain and Medeiros went to retrieve it to call 911 before he got stuck.

Medeiros never reached his phone and ended up getting stuck at the waist in the water-filled hole. Brianna Mooney, 16, who lives on the street, heard Medeiros screaming.

"His legs were sticking outward and he was kicking and screaming," said Mooney, who called her boyfriend.

First of all, how did no one hear the "fight" but were able to hear you screaming with half your body jammed in a man's hole? Secondly, why didn't they steal your phone too? Was it a Nokia brick phone? Because you can ignore this point if it was, EXCEPT THEN HOW DID IT FIT BETWEEN THE CRACKS?! Lastly, and most importantly, do gangs really pass people on the street "throwing gang signs"? Because that sounds like something a person that wasn't attacked by a gang would say. Also, "these cuts and bruises are from them and not from panicking the f*** out when I got stuck in a storm drain." I'm just sayin', Jared: there's no shame in admitting you wanted to play Ninja Turtles.

Hit the jump for the 'top story' video news report.

Continue Reading " Moron Trapped In Manhole Retrieving Phone "

Jul 26 2011 Guy Makes Real-Life WALL-E The Robot

This is a video of DJ Sures and his homemade robotic friend WALL-E because, presumably, he doesn't have any actual human friends. Hey, neither do I, but you don't see me building robots, do you?! No, you don't. But you may catch me talking to stuffed animals. Also: myself on the Subway. Don't play with your wiener, don't play with your wiener, don't play with your wiener.

The bot has a camera for an eye, voice recognition, and object tracking. The Wall-E robot uses an EZ-B Bluetooth Robot controlled and the software functions use the EZ-Builder software that is included with the robot controller hardware. Inside the bot are five different servos and an eBay procured 2.4GHz wireless camera.

There's a five-minute video of WALL-E showing off his motion-tracking and dancing capabilities after the jump, which I recommend jumping around. However, I cannot condone jumping around in the street screaming 'HIT ME HIT ME!' *thinks* I take that back. I condone that wholeheartedly.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Guy Makes Real-Life WALL-E The Robot "

Jul 26 2011 Move Over, Smoking -- Lighting Can Kill Too, You Know?: The 4mm Zippo Spy Gun

Oh man, remember back during the Cold War when spies had guns hidden in pretty much everything? Me neither, WE WEREN'T EVEN BORN YET. But I have seen a lot of James Bond movies and my God is that one handsome spy. If he pressured me for information I'd tell him everything he wanted to know, plus others he didn't. James -- hey James -- I wanna wear your balls like a sleep mask. A product description:

4mm, the "Zippo" brand lighter, the firing mechanism disquised as a normal lighter, the barrel occupying the place of the wick, the flint striking wheel acting as the trigger. Sold together with faux Ronson flint dispenser containing 8 individual copper-cased 6mm cartridges.

Condition: Very good. Showing light wear and age patina. Ammunition mounted in yellow plastic dispenser [one round missing].

OH SHIT, ONE ROUND MISSING -- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ACTUALLY F***ING WORKED!!!!11 Somebody for-really-real got assassinated! Oooooooor a chipped tooth. Either of which can ruin a smile.

Hit the jump for a couple more closeups.

Continue Reading " Move Over, Smoking -- Lighting Can Kill Too, You Know?: The 4mm Zippo Spy Gun "

Jul 26 2011 Real Mature: Galaxy's Largest Water Reservoir Located In 'Massive, Moist Black Hole'

A massive and very, very wet black hole was recently discovered by asstronomers (you have no idea the amount of shame I live with), and is currently categorized as both the largest AND farthest water source in the known universe. And, since it's only 30-billion-trillion miles away, a great place to stop for a cold drink on long spaceship trips.

Looking into a quasar - one of the brightest and most violent objects in the cosmos - researchers have found a mass of water vapour that's at least 140trillion times that of all the water in the world's oceans combined, and 100,000 times bigger than the sun.

Because the quasar is so far away, its light has taken 12billion years to reach Earth.

The observations therefore reveal a time when the universe was just 1.6billion years old.

Damn, can you even imagine the universe 12-billion years ago? I can. In my mind there were like, waaaaaaaaay less trees. Plus your mom.

Moist black hole home to largest and farthest water reservoir ever detected in the universe [dailymail]

Thanks to BellaCroix, who's going to build a rest-stop there and make a fortune. Me? I'm going to open The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

Jul 26 2011 No, Say It Ain't So!: Time Travel Is Impossible

According to a recent study (OR POSSIBLE GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY), time travel is effectively impossible as a result of photons being unable to travel faster than light. But what about photons shot out of a cannon? "You're an idiot." Am I? *staring into laser beam*

By proving that even a single photon must obey Einstein's theory that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, Hong Kong physicists believe they have debunked the idea of time travel once and for all.

A Hong Kong University of Science and Technology research team led by Du Shengwang said they had proved that a single photon, or unit of light, "obeys the traffic law of the universe."

"Einstein claimed that the speed of light was the traffic law of the universe or in simple language, nothing can travel faster than light," the university said on its website.

If Shengwang and his team are correct, that possibility is now no more than ancient history.

Pfft, that doesn't prove anything. Who the hell wants to send A SINGLE PHOTON back in time?! I want to send all 260-pounds of me! "You're missing the point. If you can't send a single pho-- you know what? Just forget about it." I already have. *doodling picture of a dinosaur with a tramp stamp*

Time Travel is Impossible, Scientists Say [foxnews]
and
It's official: Time machines won't work [latimes]

Thanks to Vance, algo and Matt, who agree it's not the size of your time machine, it's how you fiddle with the knobs.

Jul 26 2011 Toys For Tots: Chinese Couple Sell Their Children To Fund Video Gaming Addiction

A 21-year old Chinese couple WITH THREE CHILDREN sold them all to afford their internet cafe gaming addictions. The first child fetched less than $500, while the second two netted almost $4,600. No word what was wrong with the first one.

The couple was turned in after Li Lin, the father, told his mother what happened. She took them to the police, where they apparently showed no remorse.

"We didn't want to raise them," they said. "We just want to sell them for some money."

The couple met in an Internet cafe in 2007, and shortly after meeting quickly consummated the relationship and moved in together, spending most of their time playing video games in Internet cafes. Shortly after their first child was born in 2008, they left it at home and traveled 30km to play video games.

That's f***ed up. Granted when my dogs are bad I threaten to sell them to gypsies for mended pots and pans, but I'd never actually do it. Although, now that I think about it, I actually have sold children before. Get it? The sperm bank. Flushed a whole lot down the shower drain too.

Couple in China Buys Video Games by Selling Their Kids [weirdasianews]

Thanks to Melissa, who sells arts & crafts to afford video games. You know, like A NORMAL PERSON somebody crafty.

Jul 25 2011 The Cosplayers Of San Diego Comic-Con 2011

This is a gallery of the cosplaying ladies from this weekend's San Diego Comic-Con. Per tradition, Norman from over at Comic Vine goes and takes a shit-ton of pictures and is kind enough to lend me some for your viewing pleasure. This year he really outdid himself with a whopping 1,143-picture gallery. That's practically a feature-length film! I perused the massive gallery (which is available in its entirety HERE), and uploaded thirty or forty (counting is hard for me) that jumped out at me, but you'd be doing yourself an injustice if you didn't at least glance the whole thing over. Also, this body. *posing* Well? "You look like a sack of potatoes." Yukon Gold or fingerlings? "Mashed." Ouch.

Hit the jump for all the ladies, another link to the entire gallery, plus a very special bonus video that can't be unseen unheard. Intrigued? You're gonna regret it!

Continue Reading " The Cosplayers Of San Diego Comic-Con 2011 "

Jul 25 2011 Twenty Years Late But Still Clever: Wrongulator Calculator Only Gives Wrong Answers

The Wrongulator is a cheap $7 solar calculator that's been programmed with bad logic to only give wrong answers. I'm not sure how close the bad answers are to the correct ones, but hopefully close enough so that the error isn't obvious. That, or just 80085 every time. What? They're never not the answer! "What's the hottest part of an overweight man?" Okaaaaaaaay, I stand corrected. (It's the foopa, right?)

Product Site
via
Wrongulator Guaranteed to Be Incorrect 101% of the Time [technabob]

Thanks to FSK, who would look great monogrammed on a bathrobe.

Jul 25 2011 The Apocalypse Nears!: Strong Winds Cause Australian Waterfall To Flow Upwards

If there was ever a time to go over a waterfall in a barrel, this is it.

This is a video of a waterfall in southern Australia being battered by 75MPH winds and turning it into a water-rise. Get it? Because rise is the opposite of fall! Or is that spring? "Cut it out, GW." I'M SORRY, GOD.

John Magrath, a climate change researcher at Oxfam, said: 'The Earth is delivering a message to us.

'And the message is that more extreme weather is becoming the norm rather than the exception.'

Wait a minute -- the earth is delivering messages now? Because I thought that was Mercury's job. *shadowboxing laptop* F*** I'M KILLING IT TODAY.

Hit the jump for the short bideo (I ALREADY TOLD YOU, BIDEO IS THE NEW VIDEO).

Continue Reading " The Apocalypse Nears!: Strong Winds Cause Australian Waterfall To Flow Upwards "

Jul 25 2011 Well It's About Time!: Compostable Bikinis

Seen here looking suspiciously like nori sushi paper, compostable bikinis (not to be confused with dissolving bikinis or me at a swim-up bar in a banana hammock), are just that: bikinis that will break down in a compost pile. Other things that will break down in a compost pile: me. *sobbing* GOD, WHY DON'T MORE PEOPLE CARE ABOUT THE EARTH, MAN?! *blowing snot bubbles* WE'RE F***IN' KILLING IT.

Eco-luxury (?) designer Linda Loudermilk created these designs using a special fabric made from plant starch, and while you can wear it just like a normal swimsuit (out in the sun all day, in the water, etc.), it'll break down completely within 180 days if you bury it in your backyard. It's also supposed to be cheap enough to be practically disposable, which is handy for an article of clothing that disposes in such a friendly way.

Well it's about time, amirite? Do you know how many landfills are overflowing with noncompostable bikinis? Literally zero. And that's literally zero too many, folks. Remember: put a couple bricks in your toilet tank to conserve water. Unless turds stop flushing, in which case that is like WAAAAAAY more important.

Hit the jump for a skimpier version.

Continue Reading " Well It's About Time!: Compostable Bikinis "

Jul 25 2011 LOL: Weekend Weather 'Neared Boiling Point'

I heard there's about to be a job opening in the title-writing department.

Sensational headlines: sometimes reporters go too far. Or are just f***ing idiots. "Like you." Yes, like me. Granted the boiling point of water IS 100°, it's just 100° Celsius AND NOT FAHRENHEIT (212°). Although, to the writer's credit, they never actually stated they were referring to the boiling point of water. They may have meant the boiling point of ethyl bromide, which is 101° Fahrenheit. Oh of course, ethyl bromide, God I'm so embarrassed now.

RIP Society of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to seacow, who -- can I call you dugong?

Jul 25 2011 Surprise!: Samsung-Funded Study Indicates 3-D Content Causes Eye Strain, Fatigue

In news that shouldn't surprise anyone who agrees there's never enough research into the long term effects of new technologies (ahem, microwaves) before they're implemented, a recent study funded by Samsung indicates 3-D content causes eye fatigue and strain. Wow, didn't see that one coming. Get it? 3-D f***ed my eyes up!

A group of researchers from the University of California-Berkeley found that when test subjects watched 3D displays, they reported more eye strain and fatigue and less vision clarity afterward than when they watched 2D video.

The disparity between the depth of the screen and the depth of the 3D image caused the most problems, though researchers also found the relationship between image depth and nearness of the screen also played a role in eye strain.

However, the study also means that 3D video that is more comfortably viewed in a movie theater is necessarily much more uncomfortable to look at when viewed in a living room.

Hey, I don't even like 3-D. I think that shit's stupid. Right up there with planking and your face. Jk jk, your face is actually pretty smart. Nose is a little big and your ears are crooked, but still. Thanks but no thanks, 3-D television, but I have enough eye problems already. As a child who grew up with a lazy eye and had to wear an eyepatch for almost the entirety of 2nd grade, I have to admit: I dressed up like a pirate and everything. I was one cool kid. Well, until 5th grade. Then I became the social pariah you know today.

Study: 3D video causes eye strain, fatigue [cnn]

Thanks to Debra, who likes her movies the old fashioned way: black & white and silent. Whoa whoa whoa, now that's a little too oldschool for me.

Jul 25 2011 Harry Potter In The Style Of Anime Cartoon

Note: Fuller-res version HERE because I heard you wore a wizard hat to Deathly Hallows Part II for the third time this weekend.

Is this what Harry Potter would look like as anime? Yes. Even if it isn't let's just say it is because I've only written three lines about it and I'm already tired of arguing about it. So yeah, moving on. Ninja turtles: who's your favorite one? I like the one with the tits in the yellow jumpsuit. What's her name? "Donatello." Yes, her.

If 'Harry Potter' Were Anime [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Aaron, who, anime?! ANIYOU.

Jul 25 2011 Oh Hey, That's Cool: A Vibrator For Mens

Hell no it's not safe -- YOU COULD GO BLIND.

The Viberect (I would've opted for Digjiggler) is a recently FDA-approved vibrator for men. It ranks high on the list of "things on my nightstand I don't want to explain", second only to the shrunken head voodoo talisman. Basically, it vibrates your wiener hard and, if you don't stop there, to completion.

According to the product page, Viberect "mimics rapid and repetitive manual/vaginal stimulation of the penis" to give you an erection and even achieve ejaculation, even if you have erectile dysfunction or spinal cord injuries.

Simultaneous vibratory stimulation of both surfaces of the penis at high frequency (70-110Hz) for about 7-10 minutes can lead to reflexogenic activation of sexual pathways that initiate gradual filling of the penis with arterial blood by activating the Nitric oxide synthase mediated pudendo-cavernosal reflex. Other physiological effects include progressive rhythmic contraction of the ischicavernosus and bulbospongiosus muscles via the bulbocavernosus reflex, which help in strengthening the rigidity of erection.

Wow, that was some of the unsexiest talk about wieners I've ever heard and I talk about wieners A LOT. Even more than pogs.

Hit the jump for a strictly medical but probably still NSFW (tons of CG peen) video about how the thing works. SPOILER: Like a sonic toothbrush.

Continue Reading " Oh Hey, That's Cool: A Vibrator For Mens "

Jul 24 2011 The Apple Tree(!!!!!!11) Of Product History

Note: Full-res version HERE because this is like, really really mportant.

This is a graphical representation made by Mashable of Apple's 35-year product history, all in the shape of a tree (NOT bush). It kind of reminds me of those Jack & the Beanstalk vines Mario (link is homoerotic -- just the way you like it) climbs up. Now I know the question on everyone's mind, and yes, I would totally build a treehouse in that and throw pebbles at the girl I like when she walks by. What? It's how I show affection! That and biting. Jk jk, I'm a vampire and I have to.

Apple Product Design: 35 Years of Consumer Electronics [mashable]

Thanks to Clarissa, who explained it all but that shit was like waaaaaaaaay over my head.

Jul 24 2011 Probably Not You: Tokyoflash Contest Winners

Barg, Brad and kw -- congratulations guys, you're today's big winners! Although truthfully, it was probably Tokyoflash that came out on top what with the exposure and all. Exposure, LOL *flashes mammies* So yeah, somebody else send me something cool to give away. Preferably something expensive. Come on -- think of the opportunity, folks! You know what they say: you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours pretend to fall asleep.

Tokyoflash

Jul 22 2011 Nightmares: A Real-Life Alien Chestburster

Just kidding, it's not really a chestburster. It's a deep-sea hydrothermal worm. And it's not really that big. Actually, it's tiny. Probably about the size of your wiener.

Taken using an FEI Quanta SEM, this image is amazingly zoomed in 525 times. The real width of the field in the image is 568μm, or 568/1000 of a millimeter. It's far larger than an atom, but still among the smallest living things.

The worm, as scary as it looks, is something most people will never actually get to see (or have to worry about, for that matter). Hydrothermal worms are deep sea creatures, almost as small as bacterium, and are largely found near hydrothermal vents in the ocean.

As much as I know I'll never run into a hydrothermal worm in my life, from this day on I'll forever be afraid of them crawling in my ears at night and eating my brain. "Ha -- they can't eat something that isn't there!" *eyeroll* Sticks and stones may break my bones, BUT I'VE GOT A LEAD PIPE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT, BUTTNUT! "My name's not Buttn--" *THWANK*

Hydrothermal Worm Viewed Under An Electron Microscope [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to Vance, who had this to say about his tip: "If small things are this scary, we should stop developing a Big Ray. We can all live with small peens if it means keeping monsters small." Haha, "all live with small peens..." Whoa whoa whoa -- don't drag me into this, I'm huge!

Jul 22 2011 'Sizzle Reel' For Deleted Star Wars Scenes

This is the 'simmer sizzle reel' for the deleted scene 'extras' to be included on the release of the Star Wars 'Complete Saga' Blu-Ray collection. In my mind it should be all of episodes 1-3.

Hit the jump and get sizzlin' or whatever I have no clue it's Friday afternoon and I started my period when I was walking the dogs this morning so I'm really not in the mood.

Continue Reading " 'Sizzle Reel' For Deleted Star Wars Scenes "

Jul 22 2011 'Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword' Preview

This is the preview for the upcoming 'Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword' shown at the currently-happening San Diego Comic-Con. Not gonna lie, I'm getting pretty excited thinking about it (plus naked mermaids!). Yes it'll require digging my Wii out the back of my closet, and will probably be the last game I play before selling the console at auction signed 'The Geekologie Writer', but it'll be worth it. Also: buying my signed console. SixDollarsSixDollarsWe'veGotSixDollarsOverHereDoIHearAMillion?

Hit the jump AND GET PUMPED. Or don't, it's not my problem if you're not into having fun.

Continue Reading " 'Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword' Preview "

Jul 22 2011 Your Parents Want To Spy On Your Facebook

Parents: they want to know what you're doing. Sometimes because they're worried you've gotten into drugs and loose women, other times because they just love you and you don't call often enough. Basically, 55% of parents admit to spying on their children via Facebook, another 40% lie about doing it, and 5% think computers are televisions with super complicated remotes. For shame, parents. If you want to know what your kids are up to, you need to have a frank and earnest conversation with them. Here, watch and take note. Lil GW -- what are you into these days? "Twilight." See? Piece of ca-- WHAT THE F*** DID YOU JUST SAY?!

More Than Half of Parents Use Facebook to Spy on Kids [laptopmag]

Thanks to Christy, who uses Facebook for what is was originally intended: verifying all the people that were mean to you in middle school are now fat and ugly and live terrible lives.

Jul 22 2011 Blasphemy!: Russia Reclassifies Beer As 'Alcoholic', No Longer Considered Food

Because the man is always trying to get a boozehound down, Russia has classified beer as alcohol instead of food, despite the fact I practically live off the stuff. Well, that, and the scorched flesh of my enemies (I'm an alcoholic dragon).

Until now anything containing less than 10% alcohol in Russia has been considered a foodstuff.

Russian alcohol consumption is already twice the critical level set by the World Health Organization.

The move, signed into law on Wednesday, will allow ministers to control the sale of beer in the same way that spirits are controlled.

Correspondents say it is common to see people swigging beer in the street and in parks as if they are drinking soft drinks.

It is not restricted to certain stores and is sold around the clock.

Damn, Russia actually sounds pretty cool. Plus I heard you could buy vodka in cans out of vending machines over there. I may just have to move Russia into my top-10 vacation spots to check out! "What are the other ones?" Staycation written nine times :/

Russia classifies beer as alcoholic [bbcnews]
and
Kremlin Brew [behance] (for the picture)

Thanks to Pells G, who agrees if beer isn't food, then why has it made me so fat? "Well, it still has calori--" DON'T YOU GO BRINGING SCIENCE INTO THIS.

Jul 22 2011 Special Edition Star Wars XBox & Kinect

Microsoft and LucasArts just unveiled a limited edition Star Wars themed XBox/Kinect bundle (available December 31st, 2011, $450) at Comic-con because, hey, people will buy that. What they won't buy is that you're a human sent back from the future just because you had a hat embroidered with "Happy New Year 2021". Disappointing, I know.

The hardware includes a custom R2-D2-themed 320 GB Xbox 360 console, which features unique sounds from the Star Wars movies; a white Kinect sensor; and a gold C-3PO-themed Xbox 360 wireless controller.

The bundle will also include copies of "Kinect Adventures" and "Kinect Star Wars," which invites players into the Star Wars universe. The game will allow fans to physically experience Jedi training and wield the Force - and of course a lightsaber - right in their living room through controller-free gameplay.

I'm not gonna lie, I have always wanted to wield the Force. Also, a battle axe. But have I? Nooooooooooo, the blacksmith is always, "your arms are too weak" or "you'll cut your legs off".

Hit the jump for a shot of the shiny C-3PO inspired controller.

Continue Reading " Special Edition Star Wars XBox & Kinect "

Jul 22 2011 TSA Body Scans: Now With Less Privates

Why this has taken so long is beyond me (although I suspect it has something to do with a lack of ingenuity and an excess of "boobs -- I can see boobs!"), but now airport body scans will show the TSA agent a generic human diagram with the area where you hid the bomb highlighted instead of actually showing your penis. Of course, right when I was starting to enjoy the exhibitionism. *flashes open trenchcoat to reveal jean overalls* What? I didn't say I was good at it.

Once the new software is installed, all the agent will see is a generic body outline that the TSA describes as looking like a gingerbread man. None of your junk will be visible, yet the TSA says they will still be able to determine if you're hiding any prohibited stuff.

Another new change is that you will be allowed to see the scanned image for yourself

I think we can all agree the real news here is that you'll finally be able to see the scanner results yourself. Because if there's one thing airport security has been missing, it's people rubbernecking to see a generic outline of a human body of themselves. Know what I'm sayin'? I'm saying this airport better have a f***ing Cinnabon.

TSA nudie scans will get new software that hides your junk [dvice]

Thanks to Tony, who's not allowed on planes because he's a terrorist tiger. OMG -- tell me you know the Trix rabbit!

Jul 22 2011 Bill & Melinda Gates Fdn To Reinvent Toilet

Bill Gates, having decided computers have run their course or whatever, has decided to focus his efforts on reinventing the toilet to aid the some 2.6 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD with no reliable source of sanitary shitter. Wow, that actually does sound pretty noble. Granted nowhere near as noble as Baron GW von Intertubes, but what does?

Water hygiene and safe waste disposal are two of the biggest causes of infant mortality in the developing countries. Gates and his foundation hope to create inexpensive toilets to vastly improve the living conditions of millions of people. It may seem like a silly subject but it's one that could save lives around the world.

Today, 40% of the world's population does not have access to flush toilets. One billion people defecate in the open. Each year, 1.5 million children die each year from diarrhea, many of which are preventable with improved sanitation.

HOLY SHIT DYING FROM DIARRHEA ASIDE, they should invent one that muffles farts while they're at it. Because let's face it, no matter how far I manually spread my buttcheeks, they always make a sound. TRUST ME. But not the government -- they've been lying to us about aliens.

Hit the jump for a short video about the project that says doodoo in the beginning.

Continue Reading " Bill & Melinda Gates Fdn To Reinvent Toilet "

Jul 21 2011 Turtle's Leg Replaced With Desk Chair Wheel

In far less depressing (non-squid) animal news, a 12-year old African spur-thighed tortoise NAMED GAMERA (♫ Gamera is really neat, Gamera is filled with meat ♫) had to have its front left leg amputated after a severe burn and tissue damage. So what did the vets do? What any Transformers fan would -- epoxied a swivel wheel from somebody's desk chair on him. BU-BWAM! -- Gamera rolled out of surgery with a new lease on life. Oh man, just think if he'd had a set of wheels when he was racing that cocky hare (NOT assy fur). He...probably would've flown off the course and crashed into a tree or something.

Hit the jump for one more shot and a video of Gamera bein' all "I don't if I got a wheel for a leg, I'm here for the grass."

Continue Reading " Turtle's Leg Replaced With Desk Chair Wheel "

Jul 21 2011 Super Sexy Super Mario Character Cosplay

Wait a minute -- aren't you two....brothers?

Dayamn! I'm not even that gay but I would definitely ride Mario's mustache. And, shit, Luigi's muttonchops or whatever he's got going on there. What exactly would you call those things anyway? Oh, right, sexy as hell. But seriously guys, are you two gonna save the princess or what? *look lovingly into each other's eyes, begin laughing* HA, I hear ya! So what do you say -- I fetch Toad and we make this thing a foursome?

MUTO Magazine Online (the whole 10-page pictorial begins on page 38 -- but a warning: things get REALLY gay REALLY fast).
via
Cosplay Corner [geeks.thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Conrad, who sent me a winky emoticon in his tip and I loved it.

Jul 21 2011 Medieval Armor: It Really Sucked To Run In

According to a recent treadmill test conducted by the University of Leeds, walking or running in full medieval armor takes twice the energy as running with your dangle slapping against your legs like your family pennant against a castle wall on a windy day. Really?! Who would have thought wearing 30-50kg (66-110 pounds) of metal would wear a person out? No, the only time wearing something that heavy is gonna make you faster is when it's a f***ing jetpack.

The effect of the heavy armour was so great, that the researchers believe it may have have had an impact on the Battle of Agincourt.

In this famous Anglo-French conflict of 1415, French knights were defeated by their English counterparts, despite the fact that they heavily outnumbered them.

The researchers say their study suggests that the armour-clad French, who had to trek through a muddy field to meet the stationary English line, were so slowed and exhausted by their march that they would have stood little chance.

Wow, you'd think that would be a no-brainer. It's been 500 years and you had to have people run on a treadmill in armor to find out how bad wearing armor sucked (minus the whole protection thing)? This just in: wearing armor while riding a horse not nearly as bad as running around in it. Shocking, I know (give me credit in the study, a-holes).

Hit the jump for some poor sap struttin' that ass on the treadmill in full shining armor.

Continue Reading " Medieval Armor: It Really Sucked To Run In "

Jul 21 2011 Dancing Squid Bowl: The Opposite Of Okay

Note: Video disturbing -- dead dancing squid.

This is a short video of a very appetizing looking squid bowl that, when soy sauce is applied, begins to dance. It's disturbing as all f***. Apparently the squid is (possibly) dead though, if that helps you sleep any better at night. Me? I'm vegetarian so I'll sleep like a baby. "Lightly and waking up every couple hours to eat or cry?" You know it!

The basic idea behind the sodium in the soy sauce causing the legs to move has been covered in the comments, but there's still some question as to whether or not it's officially "dead" at the time of serving. The brain is probably still in the body, but a significant part of its nervous system, the giant axon, seems to extend into the mantle, which has been cut. I'm not an expert on squids so I can't really come to a definite conclusion about that.

Oh hellllllllllllllllllllll no. Call me old fashioned, but I don't like my dinner moving around. Lovers, yes. *poking with a stick* HONEY?!

Hit the jump and be disturbed.

Continue Reading " Dancing Squid Bowl: The Opposite Of Okay "

Jul 21 2011 Well It's About Time!: Titanium Drinking Straws

This is a $15 titanium drinking straw from ThinkGeek. While I do appreciate the effort to make it partially bent, it's rigid so it's not an actual bendy straw. Which is exactly why I just started manufacturing them out of lead. See -- it's malleable! "Tell me you're joking." Joking -- about what, malleability?! Obviously you don't know anything about lead.

Hit the jump for one more shot in the style of 'Viva la sipping revolucion!' and a product demo of a bunch of citrus fruit and beer cans getting stabbed with the thing.

Continue Reading " Well It's About Time!: Titanium Drinking Straws "

Jul 21 2011 WTF DID I JUST WATCH?!: Freaky Deaky Ugly Mutant Face Optical Illusion Video

Note: Must watch video for the effect, this picture ain't gonna cut it.

If you haven't already seen this, it's a freaky-deaky video of a bunch of women's faces that, when viewed out of your peripheral by only staring at the cross in the middle, TURN INTO UGLY-ASS MUTANT QUASIMODO FACES. God, I still have the chill-bumps. An explanation:

The Flashed Face Distortion Effect is a visual quirk that a team from The University of Queensland's School of Psychology discovered by accident while preparing for an identification experiment.

"By aligning the faces at the eyes and presenting them quickly, it becomes much easier to compare them, so the differences between the faces are more extreme," he said.

"If someone has a large jaw normally, it now looks almost ogre-like. If they have an especially large forehead, then it looks particularly bulbous.

Admittedly, after going back and viewing the faces with the video paused, a lot of them are still pretty booboo looking. But not nearly as burn-it-with-fire as they are when actually watching the video. When I first saw it prior to reading the explanation, my guess was that your brain was trying to combine the two faces into one, and that's why they were so terrifying. But I guess I was wrong. Or was I? Always.

Hit the jump to get your freaky-deak on.

Continue Reading " WTF DID I JUST WATCH?!: Freaky Deaky Ugly Mutant Face Optical Illusion Video "

Jul 21 2011 The Latest And Greatest Landmine Detonator

This is the remote-controlled Digger D-3 "flail tank". It's the latest and greatest (read: explosive-proof) of Digger mine-detonators, which have been around since WWII. Basically, it's steered around on the battlefield like a giant R/C car tank while it wails on the ground with a rotating drum of 10-pound hammers on chains, setting off anything explosive it comes in contact with. God what I'd give to drive that thing around town.

The ten pound hammers spin wildly on the bar, digging up to 8 inches into the dirt as they strike. Heavy armor protects the tank if a mine explodes, and any damage to the hammers or chains is easily repaired in the field.

I love it. Granted I'm sure we could invent some sort of robotic mine detector or an orbiting satellite that could locate and detonate land mines from space with a powerful laser beam, but I miss the the good old days when the answer to everything was "just beat the shit out of it." *eying mangled printer* Haha, you know what I'm talkin' about!

Hit the jump for a video of the D-3's predecessor (cleverly named the D-2), in action.

Continue Reading " The Latest And Greatest Landmine Detonator "

Jul 21 2011 Humanoid Robots Disturb The Human Brain

According to a recent series of experiments conducted at the University of San Diego, humanoid robots that are designed to look lifelike make the human brain spaz out when seeing one. Of course, I didn't have to conduct an experiment to tell you that because I have a seizure and piss myself anytime I see one and I'm just like everybody else.

The..."[uncanny] valley" refers to a precipitous drop in "likeability" as onscreen characters and humanoid robots step too far towards being human-like. As in, we enjoy Pixar's Wall-E and Nintendo's Mario, but we get the heeby jeebies from the ultra-realistic faces of The Polar Express or the upcoming Tintin movie.

When viewing the android, the parietal cortex -- and specifically in the areas that connect the part of the brain's visual cortex that processes bodily movements with the section of the motor cortex thought to contain mirror (or empathy) neurons -- saw high levels of activity.

It suggests that the brain couldn't compute the incongruity between the android's human-like appearance and its robotic motion.

Interesting. But do you know what humanoid robots confuse even worse than the brain? The human wiener amirite?! *open-palms back of head* F*** no I'm not, what's the matter with you?

Exploring the uncanny valley of how brains react to humanoids [wired]

Thanks to Hannes, who allegedly knows a guy who went home with a humanoid lady from the bar but didn't realize it until she started sparking and her head caught fire after spilling a drink on herself.

Jul 20 2011 'Batman Live' Arena Show Gets A Commercial

This is the first official commercial for the 'Batman Live' arena show. Based on it alone, if I had to choose between going to see it or a monster truck rally, I would probably go with Batman unless I found out that car-eating robot was going to be at the rally, in which I would go there but only to make an assassination attempt. Same goes for that annoying-ass pop star [Editor's Note: name redacted -- you can't make us all accessories, GW!] who sings that piece of shit song [also redacted, although admittedly that song does blow] that keeps getting stuck in my head. Knew I never should've iTuned that f***ing album.

Hit the jump for 30-seconds of Batman circus.

Continue Reading " 'Batman Live' Arena Show Gets A Commercial "

Jul 20 2011 Amazing Video Game Themed Sand Sculpture

Note: Full-res version HERE. I think I saw a sand-crab!

This is an 8-bit video game themed sand sculpture created by Guy-Olivier Deveua. As you can see, it was on display somewhere between the port-o-johns and the sign for the sushi restaurant. That's about it. Well, besides the fact SOMEBODY CLEARLY BROUGHT CONCRETE TO THE SAND SCULPTURE COMPETITION!! For shame, Guy-Olivier, for shame. *stomps through little sister's sand castle like Godzilla*

Guy's Sculpture Website
via
Iscariath's DeviantART

Thanks to Joseph, who still posts tips on the Facebook fanpage instead of sending them to me because...actually I don't know why he does that. Why DO you do that, Joseph?

Jul 20 2011 Pew Pew!: Bullet-Shaped Gelatin Jell-O Shots

These are bullets made out of Jell-O. No clue what they used to make them look so metallic, but hopefully something I can separate from feces with a magnet. The bullets were made as part of the 2011 Jell-O Mold Competition, which is a real competition with real athletes. And by athletes I mean gelatin dessert lovers. And speaking of dessert lovers -- I made it to third base with a cheesecake once. Unless third base is more than just over-the-bra boob fondling, in which chase maybe it was only second base. The point is this: I hit a ground out to a banana split once.

Hit the jump for some of the other entries in the competition.

Continue Reading " Pew Pew!: Bullet-Shaped Gelatin Jell-O Shots "

Jul 20 2011 Of Course: Fake Apple Store Pops Up In China

If it wasn't spoiled it in the title, would you have been able to tell this was a fake Apple store? I could have. The moobs tell all. They're saying, "hey Geekologie Writer -- just imagine us covered in melted butter." Gosh it's hard not to!

These photos were taken by a pair of Americans who stumbled on this store in southwestern China. It looked like an Apple store, had display material consistent with an Apple store and the employees even believed they worked for an Apple store. But it's fake, fake, fake.

There's several more pictures of the store after the jump, but no word if they're selling real Apple products at a markup, or just hocking fake products all around. Then I remembered it's China.

Hit the jump for the others.

Continue Reading " Of Course: Fake Apple Store Pops Up In China "

Jul 20 2011 Iconic Comic Book Covers In Stained Glass

This is a gallery of iconic comic book covers recreated in stained glass by artist Brandon Michael Barker (NOT Meower). They're all most impressive and would look great in the Church of Superheroes. Which doesn't actually exist except in my mind, which basically makes it 100% real as far as Geekologie is concerned. And let me tell you -- Sunday service gets craaaaaaaaazy up in here! People flying around and smashing pews, it's awesome. Then the pastor reads a comic book and discusses the important lessons to be learned. Plus we sing. Not hymns though -- superhero theme songs. ♫ Captain planet, he's our hero, gonna take pollution down to zero ♫ You know, shit like that. Then at the end of service we bust open a pinata of a supervillain that's filled with airplane bottles. Afterward, we all go to Sunday school and nap. Except Invisible Man. He sneaks around trying to look up women's skirts because he's a sinner. Or at least a pervert.

Hit the jump for several more along with their paper counterparts for comparison, as well as Da Vinci's 'Vitruvian Bebop', just for the hell of it.

Continue Reading " Iconic Comic Book Covers In Stained Glass "

Jul 20 2011 Impressive Cardboard Superhero Costumes

Cardboard: it's so versatile. You can mail things in it, make forts out of it, and even eat it. "You're not actually supposed to eat it." SAYS WHO?! "Anyone with sense." Cents, please, I got dolla dolla bills, young'n! Also: floaty stools. These are a bunch of cardboard superhero/villain made by Flickr user nikejerk3 by he and his friends for last year's DragonCon. Which, I regret to inform you, no real dragons attended. False advertising, I know. Plus they wouldn't refund my admission.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots but they look crappy in low-res and there's a whole bunch more on the artist's Flickr page so if I were you I would just go there. Also: to hell for cutting me off in your car yesterday. I know that was you!

Continue Reading " Impressive Cardboard Superhero Costumes "

Jul 20 2011 Now Smash Yourselves Onstage!: Robotic Band Plays Marilyn Manson's 'Beautiful People'

This is a video of a homemade robotic band performing Marilyn Manson's 'Beautiful People'. I can only assume the bots were made in somebody's garage, bringing new meaning to the phras-- "DON'T EVEN SAY IT, GW!" Haha, you got me. Admittedly, the garage band (YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME!) does do a pretty good job, I'm just a big fan of 'Beautiful People'. Get it? Because I look like Quasimodo and they make me jelly!

Hit the jump for the last concert you'll ever see.

Continue Reading " Now Smash Yourselves Onstage!: Robotic Band Plays Marilyn Manson's 'Beautiful People' "

Jul 20 2011 Tao Bo Class Almost Brings Down High-Rise

According to scientists, an intense tae-bo workout routine caused the upper floors of a 39-story high-rise in Seoul, South Korea to start shaking as if there was an earthquake. Holy shit! *regrets giving away Billy Blanks workout DVD's*

...17 middle-aged people were working out to the pop song "The Power" by Snap on July 5 when their movements set the upper floors of the tower shaking for 10 minutes, according to a report from the Korea JoongAng Daily.

"It just happens to be that the vibration cycle caused by Tae Bo collided with the vertical vibration cycle unique to the building," Chung told the Korea Times. The action amplified the building's vibration and caused the shaking, he said.

Chung was one of six professors from the Architectural Institute of Korea who inspected the building and recreated the Tae Bo exercise.

That's nuts. Although I can't say I'm surprised since one time I jumped really hard in an elevator and it broke. Everyone I was stuck with got piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. I'm sure my gas didn't help. Or did it? One lady puked so I think that helped alleviate some of the blame.

Scientist: Tae Bo workout sent skyscraper shaking [cnn]

Thanks again to comfort eagle, who will swoop down and scoop you up with his talons if the building you're in starts shaking too badly. That or accidentally claw your face off.

Jul 19 2011 'Window To The World' Toyota Car Concept

This is a 3-minute video mock-up of Toyota's futuristic 'Window to the World' concept. Basically it's a "smart" car window that allows a passenger to draw on it, display information (name, distance, etc.) about objects you're passing, and even zoom in on them. Admittedly, it does seem pretty cool, but mostly just for a child. Adults would all be too busy with their noses in smartphones. Except me. I'd be drawing comical genitals on everyone we passed, leaving no wiener untouched. "Uh GW? You might want to rephrase that." Leaving no ding-dong untouched.

Hit the jump and skip around. Oooooooor don't watch it at all, I'm not on Toyota's payroll. Although I should be. Just sayin': armrest slushy machines. Consider that my résumé.

Continue Reading " 'Window To The World' Toyota Car Concept "

Jul 19 2011 DOES NOT BELONG: Nipple Grows On Foot

Give it to me straight -- does it act like a spring when you jump?

Never met a nipple you didn't like? THINK AGAIN. Just a brief fifteen minutes ago I would have said the same thing, and I've licked some that looked like hairy freeze dried strawberries. My own, I'm talking about my own. "You're sick." Am I? *trying to touch tongue to nip without breaking eye contact*

Up to five per cent of people are thought to suffer from the condition although most extra nipples tend to be located above the waist.

Featuring in a report in scientific journal Dermatology Online, researchers believe that the unusual positioning of the four centimetres in diameter nipple may mean it is completely unique.

"Fat tissue was noted at the base of the lesion. Clinical and histopathologic findings were consistent with the diagnosis of supernumerary breast tissue, also known as pseudomamma."

Speaking of 'pseudomammas' -- a guy wearing makeup and a fat suit in order to gain access to the changing rooms at the maternity store.. See what I did there? It's called word-play folks, and it's even better than foreplay. Jk jk, way worse than foreplay but I take what I can get. Right now it's a lot of crossword puzzle books.

Uncensored version of the above shot HERE and a closeup HERE but I strongly encourage you all to be strong and not click them. I got sick editing the pictures, no lie.

Nipple discovered on woman's foot [mirror]

Thanks to dr venkman and Sarah, but not really because I am so so sooooooooooo not into this.

Jul 19 2011 GW Casts "Can Unsee", It Isn't Super Effective: Terrifying Harry Potter Character Baby Dolls

This is a series of baby dolls customized by eBay seller artfulbabies to look like newborn Harry Potter characters. In case you couldn't tell because you don't even know like a single magic spell, the burn-it-with-fire demon spawn here is Lord Voldemort. The rest of them aren't nearly as terrifying, but still somewhat so because of just how lifelike they look. In my opinion, it should be illegal to manufacture a fake baby that look any more realistic than a Cabbage Patch Doll. And by Cabbage Patch Doll I mean a stick with a face drawn on. Have you ever even been baby doll shopping before? Those things are EXPENSIVE. *ahem* I'm looking at you, American Girl doll company! $36 for one tiny-ass outfit for my niece's doll. I could get TWO entire Geekologie Writer outfits for that! "Damn GW -- what the f*** do you wear?!" Ha, nothing but $18 bourbon, baby.

Hit the jump for a bunch more in this order: another Voldemort, Dobby the House Elf, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley, Hermoine and Harry himself.

Continue Reading " GW Casts "Can Unsee", It Isn't Super Effective: Terrifying Harry Potter Character Baby Dolls "

Jul 19 2011 Looks Explosive: The Mushroom Cloud Lamp

The Nuke Lamp from Veneridesign looks like an atomic mushroom cloud. But fear not, Vault Boy (I'm playing New Vegas right now), it's not. It's just a piece of molded plastic. One that costs $1,500. "WHAT THE SHIT?!" Don't ask me bro, I didn't design it -- I'm just a guy on the phone with China seeing who'll manufacture them for me for less than $2.

The plastic body of the foot-tall lamp is ridged enough for the lamp to stand upright and the light assembly inside is a separate piece. If anything ever begged for an orange light bulb inside, this is it.

Admittedly, an orange lightbulb would look pretty sweet in there, but you know what would look even sweeter? An orange creamsicle A green glowstick. That way, if by some act of God you actually do manage to bring a girl back to your bedroom you can be all, "OMG -- shit's gone nuclear! Quick, I'll shield you from the radiation with my wiener!" or whatever. Trust me, it's the best shot you've got. "But I was just gonna impress her with my--" Stop right there. If you say anything followed by "collection" I'm gonna have to punch you.

One more shot (or should I say drop) after the jump.

Continue Reading " Looks Explosive: The Mushroom Cloud Lamp "

Jul 19 2011 First Glimpse Of Asteroid Vesta From Orbiter

Note: Larger version HERE in case you're confused why it's not a scooter. Vesta, NOT Vespa, dummy!

Hey did you know we sent an orbiter to (what else?!) orbit Vesta, a prominent asteroid in the asteroid belt? Me neither, and I like to keep up on space! Also: women's fashion magazines. What? We all have our vices!

Today NASA unveiled the first pictures of the asteroid Vesta as seen from an orbiting spacecraft. The pictures of the not-quite-round, 330-mile-wide (530-kilometer-wide) world were sent across a distance of 117 million miles (188 million kilometers). after the Dawn orbiter's successful weekend rendezvous.

Dawn went into orbit around 1 a.m. ET Saturday, at a distance of about 9,900 miles (16,000 kilometers) from Vesta. The pockmarked space rock ranks as the asteroid belt's No. 1 object in brightness, No. 2 in mass (behind the dwarf planet Ceres) and No. 3 in diameter (behind Ceres and the asteroid Pallas).

Size isn't everything: Scientists are interested in Vesta largely because it's thought to be made of the stuff that dominated the early solar system.

You hear that, ladies?! It said 'size isn't everything' AND THAT'S ACCORDING TO SCIENTISTS. You can't argue with scientific knowledge. Now, I expect hand-written apologies from all former lovers by morning. "HA -- the Geekologie Writer has former lovers. LOL!" Okay now you're just hurting feelings.

First views of Vesta from orbit [msnbc]

Thanks to Mr. Fancy, who lost his monocle and white gloves after getting wasted off 23-year old small-batch bourbon. Next time invite a brother! I mean me -- next time invite me.

Jul 19 2011 Study: Early Humans And Neanderthals Sexed

Picture related: sexy-time.

One look at me and it may come as no surprise, but according to a recent study by an international team of scientists, there's even more evidence early humans and neanderthals made sweet, sweet love together (okay truthfully it probably wasn't that sweet, but still).

...a small part of the human X chromosome, which originates from Neanderthals, is present in about nine per cent of individuals from outside of Africa.

They found that many people from across all continents except for sub-Saharan Africa shared a piece of DNA called a haplotype with Neanderthals.

Labuda says this haplotype was most likely introduced to the human genome when modern humans were making their way out of Africa and settling in other parts of the planet.

He estimates "intimate contact" between humans and Neanderthals took place in the Middle East 50,000 to 70,000 years ago.

Interestingly, "intimate contact" between a human and a stuffed animal t-rex took place in the bedroom 12-14 hours ago. Coincidence? You be the judge. Unless you're gonna sweep my room with a blacklight to collect evidence in which case I'd like to opt out of that.

Humans, Neanderthals got it on [cbcnews] (props for using "got it on". I used that one in my previous article on the same subject)

Thanks to Matt G, whose ancestors were all powerful wizards. Jelly!

Jul 19 2011 Real Friends Pee Together: Urinals For Ladies

Y'all about to soak y'alls damn jeans.

You know the main difference between men and women? Women will go to the bathroom together. But dudes? Dudes get pissed if you suggest sharing a stall or peep over the edge of a urinal divider. WTF MAN -- I THOUGHT WE WERE BROS! Enter the female urinal: because you're not real BFF's unless you know what each other's pee smells like (and hopefully not perpetually like asparagus, otherwise I'd seriously consider asking for the other half of that BFF heart necklace back).

Called the Pollee, it only exists in concept form but there's three different prototypes: Pollee Shy, Pollee Topless and Pollee Naked. As you can imagine, each prototype gets more and more revealing with less and less wall coverings. The general design is a four prong urinal where four girls can pee in an open-air, touch free toilet at the same time (teamwork!). Walls are put up to protect anyone from getting a peek at the next person's goodies.

Goodies?! Goodies in the restroom aren't goodies. They're where -- God, I can't even say it. ♫ RAINBOWS AND UNICORNS, ICE CREAM CAKES AND COOKIE DOUGH, I SAID WOMEN DON'T USE THE BATHROOM, A-NO-NO-NO ♫

Hit the jump for several more pictures of the I have no idea.

Continue Reading " Real Friends Pee Together: Urinals For Ladies "

Jul 19 2011 Suicidal iPhone Survives Drop From 13,500-Ft

Jarrod McKinney, who was skydiving with an iPhone in his pocket (allegedly to be able to call somebody in case he landed in the wrong place, although I suspect he's the kind of person that always puts his cell phone on the dinner table set to loud), lost it at 13,500-ft and then used a GPS tracker to find it. It still worked. It didn't still look good, but it worked.

He found the gadget, its glass surfaces shattered, on top of a building about a half-mile away from where he landed with his parachute.

Joe Johnson, a skydiving instructor, said he and a few friends watched from the ground below the two-story building as McKinney raised the phone above his head in triumph after he located it using a GPS tracking app.

Mike Gikas, a tech editor at Consumer Reports, the nonprofit group that tests phones and other gadgets for their reliability, jokingly said that McKinney finally found a way to fix the phone's reception woes, by dropping it from a plane.

"That's the proved method for fixing the antenna problem," he said, laughing.

The iPhone had protective gear of its own -- an Incipio-brand phone case that was broken after the fall but still was on the phone.

Johnson, the skydiving instructor, was so impressed with the whole ordeal that he plans to pick up one of the phones sometime soon.

LOLOL! So many laughs to be had. SIKE! (PSYCH!, PSYCHE!), -- YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEBODY, A-HOLE. You know what an iPhone falling from 13,500-ft feels like when it hits your head? Hell. Literally -- because you lived a bad life and now have to spend eternity impaled on Satan's rotisserie with an apple in your mouth. Dammit devil, you know I'm a pear kinda guy. "Yeah -- pear shaped!" Wow, you really are the king of all evil.

iPhone 4 survives fall from skydiver's pocket [cnn]

Thanks to comfort eagle, who, God, it's just so good to know you're here. *stroking tenderly*

Jul 18 2011 It's A Carabiner, It's A Key, It's A Carabiner Key!

This is the world's first carabiner key. It's a key that's also a teensy carabiner. How can they even make parts that small? Beats me, but you could ask God the same thing about your pecker! HAHA -- BURN, Needlepeen! No word on cost, but they are a real product you can order from Scott Amron at Amron Experimental (who also brought us keyring keys). But whatever you do, do NOT use them instead of actual climbing carabiners when you're out on the mountain, because they will break, and you will plummet to your death. And, even if by some miracle you don't die, you'll still be locked out of your house. Food for thought. "That's glue." IT'S BRAIN FOOD.

Amron Experimental Product Site

Jul 18 2011 WANT: This Giant Multi-Colored Crystal Skull

I've been looking for something to tie my living room together and I think this might just be the thing: a 145-lb skull carved out of a solid piece of flourite. Did you hear that, George Lucas? YOUR CRYSTAL SKULL WAS A TURD COMPARED TO THIS ONE! Plus the rainbow beauty sold for a paltry $3,000. That's asswiping money! (says the guy who got his water shut off on Friday).

The skull is 16.9 inches long, from front to back. We specially saved a large piece of high quality fluorite for caving this titan skull, and were all amazed by its beauty when all the caving and polishing were done. It has a rainbow of colors all over its surface. When putting it under the sun, the light will get through it and be refracted into uncountable particles, which resulte in the glow with amazing colors. The best camera will still fail to freeze all the colors in one photo. So you get to see it with your own eyes.

So awesome. Admittedly though, I would feel bad owning it knowing all that flourite could have gone to help prevent cavities in third world countries. "Tell me you're joking." Ha -- joking about what?

Hit the jump for a bunch of closeups of the massive domepiece.

Continue Reading " WANT: This Giant Multi-Colored Crystal Skull "

Jul 18 2011 Curse You, Google!: Using The Internet Has Changed The Way We Think (For The Worse)

Thinking man: he shits on computers.

According to a recent study, internet use has basically caused our brains to not even bother trying to think or problem-solve anymore and we now rely entirely on the internet to answer questions for us. What in the-- *Googling to find out if that's true*

When participants knew that facts would be available on a computer later, they had poor recall of answers but enhanced recall of where they were stored.

The researchers say the internet acts as a "transactive memory" that we depend upon to remember for us.

Lead author Betsy Sparrow of Columbia University said that transactive memory "is an idea that there are external memory sources - really storage places that exist in other people".

"There are people who are experts in certain things and we allow them to be, [to] make them responsible for certain kinds of information," she explained to BBC News.

Certain kinds of information? More like ALL the kinds of information. As a matter fact, I don't store anything but old commercial jingles in my noggin anymore. Everything else I just access from my "transactive memory" (read: Safari on my iPhone). PLOP PLOP FIZZ FIZZ, SON! Know what I'm sayin'? I'm sayin' "oh what a relief it is".

Internet's memory effects quantified in computer study [bbcnews]

Thanks to Staticwolf, second only to Staticboobs on a scrambled porn channel.

Jul 18 2011 The Future Is Now: Peelable Banana Popsicles

This just makes me so happy. Granted they've probably been out for years because Asian novelty snack foods are like 200 years advanced, but damn -- it's a peelable banana popsicle! As far as I can tell, there's really only a single flaw with the design: the fact that they're banana flavored. Nine out of ten banana flavored things taste like two buttholes sewn together, and the other one time you're actually eating a f***ing banana. *reads article* Okaaaaaaaay, turns out they're actually grape and vanilla flavored. What the-- but in the shape of a banana?! That's just too much for my simple mind to comprehend. *brain freezes* Get it? I ate my banana-pop too fast!

Futuristic Frozen Treat of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to caprice, who won't scream for ice cream, but will stab you for it.

Jul 18 2011 'Lightsaber' Swinging JediBot Uses XBox Kinect To Know Where Your Saber's At

Seen here about to untenure a professor, a robotic arm swings its "lightsaber" during a demonstration of its sword-tracking capabilities. FINIIIIIIIIIIIISH HIM!! "Whoa whoa whoa -- the old man or the robot?!" Huh? Sorry, I was watching my dog pluck the eyes out of a stuffed animal.

Basically, the robot arm is pre-programmed with a bunch of "attack moves" and it defends by using the Kinect to track the green lightsaber. To attack, JediBot performs a random attack move, and if it meets resistance -- another lightsaber, a skull, some ribs -- it recoils and performs another, seemingly random, attack. It can attack once every two to three seconds -- so it isn't exactly punishing, but presumably it would only require a little knob-tweaking to make it a truly killer robot.

Wanna know how to stay safe? Don't use a green lightsaber. Use a pink one. Alternatively, don't go anywhere near the table the arm's bolted to. Unless it starts throwing lightspears, you should be safe pelting it with rocks from across the room.

Hit the jump for a video of arm in action.

Continue Reading " 'Lightsaber' Swinging JediBot Uses XBox Kinect To Know Where Your Saber's At "

Jul 18 2011 I Invented This As A Kid: Backpack Umbrella

The $40 Backpack Umbrella from (SURPRISE!) Hammacher Schlemmer is exactly what it sounds like: an umbrella made out of backpacks a backpack with an integrated umbrella. It's hands-free. Plus fashion free! Still, looking like a spaz is a small price to pay to keep your baguettes and asparagus dry on the way home. Yes, that was a euphemism for your privates. "I prefer twig and berries." You heard him -- dude likes wieners!

Product Site
via
Backpack Umbrella Keeps Hands Free While Keeping You Dry [technabob]

Thanks to Robin, who doesn't use an umbrella because she's afraid of upsetting Mother Nature.

Jul 18 2011 Hey Good Lookin': Sessy LEGO Triceratops

This is Pokey, a robotic LEGO triceratops made by the same person who built Robo-Rex. Now I know what you're all wondering, so I'll just go ahead and say it: yes, I would hit dat. Maybe that's just my dry-spell/desperation talking, but it's pretty slim pickings for prehistoric perverts dinophiles these days. Right now it's looking like I either get it on with a robotic LEGO triceratops or risk getting kicked out of the La Brea Tar Pits for the third time this month. But I'm a season ticket holder! "Yeaaaaaaah -- season tickets don't entitle the bearer to self-guided tours after midnight." WELL THEY SHOULD.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the detail and a shot of the two dinos together eating hotdogs and tacos because that's relevant to your interests. But be sure to check out the artist's Flickr page for even more and dem ultra high-res joints.

Continue Reading " Hey Good Lookin': Sessy LEGO Triceratops "

Jul 18 2011 Pink Ranger (Not The Real One) Plays Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Theme On Violin

This is a video of Youtuber laura6683 (who I suspect was born June 6, 1983 if you're into identity theft) playing the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers theme on violin by ear. I'm tone-deaf so I think that's super impressive. Hey, maybe you can hear tones, that's cool. If I'm really quiet I can hear the blood pumping in my head. It sounds like kill KILL KILL KILL. Weird, I know. Mighty Morphin Power Wranglers not your style? Fear not my unfaithful companion, there are videos of her doing the Xena Warrior Princess and Sailor Moon themes (both in costume!) as well as the Game of Thrones and Pokemon ones (not in costume). It's like theme-song Sunday! "It's Monday, dummy." Shhhhhhh -- don't even give it the satisfaction.

Hit the jump for more theme song covers than you could shake a booty at.

Continue Reading " Pink Ranger (Not The Real One) Plays Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Theme On Violin "

Jul 15 2011 Ultimate Zombie Apocalypse Survival Shotgun

This is the definitive zombie apocalypse survival shotgun. To the untrained eye, it might just look like a shotgun. To the slightly trained eye it might look like a Mossberg 500 Pump-Action Shotgun. But to somebody with f***in' laser-vision, this is the shit you want in your hands when the rotting hordes are running rampant. It includes:

• two side saddles for quick reloading (and a total shotgun carrying capacity of 19 -- the shotgun itself holds 7+1) containing cartridges with bird shot, 00 buck shot, slugs and signal flares.
• a 5" bayonet knife mounted to the barrel
• a tactical flashlight/compass combo mounted to the barrel
• a hollow buttstock containing an emergency survival kit with baking pan, trash bag, fishing kit, 2 non-lubricated condoms (for water storage, NOT f***ing zombies), water purification taps, reflective survival blanket (which not be the best idea considering zombies love shiny things), a small first-aid kit, Carmex lip balm, a whistle, small Bic lighter and snare wire
• a hollow vertical grip containing a small fire-starting kit (matches, striker, steel wool, WetFire brand fire starting material)
• a hollow pistol grip containing a multi-tool
• a saw that can be attached between the buttstock and gun handle for cutting down wood
• a braided paracord gun sling
• American flag bandana
• custom plaque

Damn! I want to be on this guy's side when the shit starts splattering! Well, technically I want to be behind him and not to the side because 1. I don't actually want to get hit with any dookie and 2. I want to conserve my ammo and let him to all the heavy lifting. Sure some might say that makes me a coward, but I would shoot those people right in their faces, then when dude looks back at me I'd be all, 'I'm pretty sure those were all zombies -- let's keep moving."

Hit the jump for a couple detail shots but be sure to check out dude's whole article where he discusses everything in depth because he is waaaaaaaaaaaay serious about this thing.

Continue Reading " Ultimate Zombie Apocalypse Survival Shotgun "

Jul 15 2011 FREE SWAG!: Tokyoflash Kaidoku Giveaway

Alright folks, I have IN MY POSSESSION three Tokyoflash Kaidoku word-watches to give away (one white & purple, two black & blue). All you have to do to enter is leave a comment in the comments section and include a valid email address (in the email address box dummy, not in your actual comment!). ONE ENTRY PER EMAIL ADDRESS. Contest ends Tuesday, July19th at 9:00PM Pacific. Winners will be chosen via random number generator and, if I see you entered more than once with the same address, not only will you be disqualified, but I'll send a surly man to break your legs backwards with a baseball bat. Shit, he might even steal your XBox! Craigslist hires: they're unpredictable. Good luck (you're gonna need it).

Official Tokyoflash Product Site

Geekologie Contest Rules

Jul 15 2011 WAAAAAAAOOW!!: Son Takes Mom Around Racetrack In A Corvette Z06, Hilarity Ensues

This is a 12-minute video of a guy racing his mom around the Laguna Seca raceway in his 2006 Corvette Z06. It's a good time. Especially if your idea of a good time is elderly women screaming their faces off, which is exactly why I never miss a Tom Jones concert. I HAVE SEEN GRANNIES TAKE OFF AND THROW THEIR PANTIES BEFORE. Let's see -- what else? I guess that's about it. Unless you want to keep talking about taking moms for a ride, in which case tell yours I'll pick her up at eight. I'll be the one in the bright-ass yellow car. The cab, tell her I'll be the one in the cab. Hope she likes canned beer!

Hit the jump for the most exciting ride of mom's life, and feel free to skip around but the end is cute because when they're pulling in she's all, "Did we win? We won! We got first place!" and screaming out the window at random heads.

Continue Reading " WAAAAAAAOOW!!: Son Takes Mom Around Racetrack In A Corvette Z06, Hilarity Ensues "

Jul 15 2011 Waaaaaay Too Pubey For Me: Hair Necklaces

Excuse me if I'm writing this while I puke in my shoes but I mean, c'mon, a guy can only take so much. Chick looks like she's wearing my shower drain around her neck.

The human hair necklace...is made by artist Kerry Howley who wants to "make discarded hair attractive again."

NEWS FLASH, KERRY HOWLEY: I don't know what 17th century castle dungeon you just crawled out of but discarded hair was never attractive in the first place. "Fingernail clippings?" Go -- just go.

Hit the jump for three others in case this one wasn't disgusting enough for you.

Continue Reading " Waaaaaay Too Pubey For Me: Hair Necklaces "

Jul 15 2011 Water Jetpack Fail On Morning News Show

This is a brief clip from the Fox 5 San Diego morning news (the same studio from this April Fools' prank) of a guy opening the show with one of those water-powered jetpacks. Unfortunately, he opted to not take the training course prior to operation and ends up crashing into the dock. Theeeeeeeen the entire news studio laughs at him. Needless to say, Captain Woopsie Daisy won't be getting his water wings pin anytime soon.

Hit the jump for the woopsie-daisy in action. Also, Kevin Jonas: when we get our hands on one of these things, you get to go first.

Continue Reading " Water Jetpack Fail On Morning News Show "

Jul 15 2011 Man Builds TURBINE-POWERED Batmobile

Casey Putsch built a Batmobile powered by a turbine engine from a naval helicopter (allegedly the only tubine-powered Batmobile to date so I don't know what this is) because he's a firm believer IN GOING BIG OR NOT GOING AT ALL. Hey, I'm with you bro. *finishing off second 20-piece nuggets of the day*

Under the long hood of Putsch's Batmobile sits a Boeing turboshaft engine plucked from a naval drone helicopter. The power output is rated at 385 horses, which is good for a vehicle that weighs around 2,800 pounds.

Besides the engine upgrade, this Batmobile has an interior that would make Bruce Wayne nod approvingly. That's all you can hope for really, since it's impossible to make Mr. Wayne jealous. Putsch strapped an Apple iPad into the center stack of his super(hero)car, which then acts as his avionics system and also supplies GPS information

Now that's what a call a Batgina mobile. Get it? Because I'm sure dude gets more Catwoman Ladycat with that thing than you could with a can of Fancy Feast. Which, if cooked just right, can be used to trick a roommate into eating it. You're a real dick Derek, you know that?

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a worthwhile video of the car being driven (it sounds exactly how you think).

Continue Reading " Man Builds TURBINE-POWERED Batmobile "

Jul 15 2011 JUST WATCH IT: Amazing Guitar Strings Video

Seriously, just watch it, if only for a couple seconds.

This is a video of guitar strings being plucked shot from inside the guitar with an iPhone 4. Apparently the timing of the iPhone's camera shutter makes the strings' oscillations look all CRAXY AS F***. Craxy is the new crazy, BTW. Start using it and everyone will think you're cool. Start using drugs and everyone will think you're a loser. Unless it's pot or alcohol with maybe like an OCCASIONAL psychedelic, then it's okay. KIDDING KIDS DRUGS ARE BAD I NEVER TOUCHED THEM OR ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE UNLESS JUST LIPS COUNTS IN WHICH CASE IF I'M ADMITTING TO THAT I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU I TWEAKED DUDE'S NIPS TOO, OKAY?!?! Damn those were some perfect lil' radio dials.

Hit the jump while I take a cold shower.

Continue Reading " JUST WATCH IT: Amazing Guitar Strings Video "

Jul 15 2011 Man Convincingly Mods $2,000 Mercury Cougar Into $2Million Bugatti Veyron Lookalike

Mike Duke, who might have the simplest name ever, modded his late-model Mercury Cougar (which I used to own back in 2001 before sliding it off an icy road, wrapping it around a couple trees and winding up in the ICU for 11 days) into a Bugatti Veyron. Basically by fabricating a giant body kit. Now I know what you're thinking, and it's true: you almost lost your Geekologie Writer before you even knew him.

Petrolhead Mike Duke, 25, spent nine months transforming his Ford Cougar into a red and black imitation of the 1,000bhp motor.

A specially-designed bodykit makes it indistinguishable from a £1million Veyron and the interior has been re-styled and covered in leather.

But the engine is the Cougar's standard 2.5 litre V6 model, meaning its power falls well short of the 1,000bhp developed by the Veyron's 8-litre powerplant.

This means 0-62mph in 8.2 seconds and a top speed of 140mph - a way off the Veyron's 2.5 seconds and 253mph.

Why? Why do single men do anything -- to trick women into coming home with them.

*fumbling around with keys, finally opens door*
"This apartment is dingy."
It's a safehouse baby, I'm hiding out.
"Driving that sports car?"
I'm a spy, and spy's drive fancy cars.
"Who are you?"
Duke, Mike Duke -- Her Majesty's Secret Service Center and Autobody Repair.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the in-process and a couple more angles of the finished product PLUS A LINK TO THE EBAY AUCTION WHERE YOU CAN BUY THE THING ($89K) AND LIVE THE DREAM.

Continue Reading " Man Convincingly Mods $2,000 Mercury Cougar Into $2Million Bugatti Veyron Lookalike "

Jul 15 2011 Too Many Women Wear Slave Leia: A Cosplay PSA From The Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco

This is a public service announcement starring The Big Bang Theory's Penny (Kaley Cuoco) reminding women there are other sexy cosplay options to wear to parties/conventions besides slave Leia. It's not particularly good, but neither was the guy working the drive-thru window at McDonalds this morning, so I'm cranky. *digging to bottom of bag* Wonderful, just wonderful. F***ING TROLL FORGOT MY HASHBROWNS.

Hit the jump and get your public service announced while I go confront the hashburglar.

Continue Reading " Too Many Women Wear Slave Leia: A Cosplay PSA From The Big Bang Theory's Kaley Cuoco "

Jul 14 2011 Move Over, Hypnotoad!: "Lost" Rainbow Toad Rediscovered After 87 Year Absence

Three long-legged Borneo rainbow toads, a species last spotted on the tropical island in 1924 and believed to be extinct, were recently discovered by a team of scientists from the Universiti Malaysia Sarawak, who were scouring the forests specifically looking for the amphibian. Hmmm....*applies for grant money to hunt down the long-lost piña colada tropical beach crab*

The team had spent months scouring remote mountain forests for the species.

Prior to these images, only illustrations of the toad had existed.

Conservation International, which launched its Global Search for Lost Amphibians in 2010, had listed the toad as one of the "world's top 10 most wanted frogs".

"It is good to know that nature can surprise us when we are close to giving up hope, especially amidst our planet's escalating extinction crisis.

"Amphibians are at the forefront of this tragedy, so I hope that these unique species serve as flagships for conservation, inspiring pride and hope by Malaysians and people everywhere."

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I'll give you a hint: Skittles. Haha, yes -- taste the rainbow! Now, you lick it first. If, after four hours you haven't died, I'll lick it, then we'll trip our balls off and run around in the forest playing Jumanji or whatever.

Lost rainbow toad is rediscovered [bbcnews]

Thanks to Amanda, who knows it may take a lot of frog-kissing to find a prince, but only one to wind up at the doctor with a warty-ass lip.

Jul 14 2011 Packing Tape, You're Our Only Hope: Guy Builds Gigantic Cardboard R2-D2

Make up your f***ing mind -- is this or is this not the droid you're looking for?!

Starwars superfan Len Komanak went and built himself a giant cardboard R2-D2 out of a whole bunch of large appliance boxes (where'd you get those -- I'm always looking for those things!). Hey, as long as there's no C-3PO, I'm cool with it. Could you even imagine that guy with a bigger mouth? I can. Also: me driving a tanker truck full of gasoline into it and jumping out at the last second. "Whoa -- I didn't know the Geekologie Writer was an action movie star!" Haha, I'm not -- only an adult one. *droppin' money maker like a circuit breaker*

Len was kind enough to send us a list of the materials he used to complete his masterpiece: 4 fridge boxes, 5 AC boxes, 3 dryer boxes, 3 rolls of blue duct tape, 1 roll of aluminum tape, 52 glue sticks, 1 can of white paint and 2 sharpie pens. He worked on it for 50 hours. This supersized version of R2D2 will be showcased at the "Dr. StrangeLen or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Make the Art" exhibit, in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada, so if you're in the area between July 16 and September 2nd, don't miss the chance to check it out.

Personally, I would have made a human-sized Habitrail to crawl around in with all those boxes, but that's just me and I still make pillow forts. "OMG me too -- we should totally have a sleep over!" Good idea, I'll be over at six. Just a heads up though -- I can only stay till like, October, November at the latest.

Hit the jump for a bunch of detail shots, plus a bonus shot of R2 cruising for droid ladies in the back of his master's superfast minivan (you can tell it's fast because of the blue flames).

Continue Reading " Packing Tape, You're Our Only Hope: Guy Builds Gigantic Cardboard R2-D2 "

Jul 14 2011 Laptop Stickers Show You Where To Drill To Destroy A Hard Drive In Case Of Emergency

It's 9PM and you just finished downloading your 2,000th bootleg movie when you hear a a siren. Holy shit, the cops are coming for you. What do you do? Well if you're anything like me you don a fake beard and Italian accent and dive out the nearest window crapping your pants. Other, much more prepared individuals might try drilling their hard-drive to destroy any incriminating evidence. Which is where these handy-dandy laptop stickers come into play. You just place them on your laptop over the hard-drive (see your computer's schematic for exact location), that way you know where to put the drill when the time comes. Just a heads up though: if the po-po bust in while you're still making holes they may shoot you after mistakenly confusing your drill for a plasma pistol. And another heads up: if the po-po bust in while you're still making love to yourself you 100% will be made fun of before you can even zip up. Even worse if it was anime or furry porn. Which brings me to my next topic of emergency preparedness: cyanide capsules.

Media Artist Contingency Plan (with the sticker design to print out if you want. Alternatively, make a big X in Sharpie with the words 'X MARKS THE SPOT')
via
Protect Your Hard Drive Secrets With a Simple Sticker [technabob]

Thanks to Kev, but not Kevin Arnold from "The Wonder Years' (trust me, I emailed him to make sure), who wants to know what you're supposed to do after you realize the cops weren't coming for you after all and were just chasing a speeder but here you are with 10 drilled holey hard drives. Don't look at me -- you were the one that was all high and paranoid!

Jul 14 2011 Jello Gelatin: Soon Made With More Humans

Jello wrestling: it's what bros do.

Sure I could have gone with two girls Jello wrestling but then 1. I'd get called sexist and 2. your coworkers wouldn't think you were reading a gay fraternity sports site, and what's the fun in that? Now, I assume most of you know this, but gelatin is derived from the boiled collagen from animal skin and bones. Almost half of gelatin production comes from pig skin, with the other half being equal parts boiled bones and bovine hides. Mmmmmm. But now scientists are gonna make that shit from humans.

Broken down, it's just a mixture of peptides and proteins. But it's still derived from animals, which means there is a risk, however slight, that it could provoke immune system responses in humans or carry infectious diseases. Moreover, animal gelatin can be inconsistent from batch to batch...And it's not vegetarian.

As such, scientists have tried all kinds of ways to create a better gelatin, and they think they may have found it, right here in us. To create the human-derived gelatin, human genes are inserted into yeast strains that are tuned to produce gelatin in specific, controlled ways. That creates for a more consistent gelatin -- and also a twinge of nausea.

Hey, I'm down. I've actually had human before and it's really not that bad. "You nasty, GW!" *nibbling at scab* Am I? "Yes, as a matter of fact you ar-- WTF IS THAT?!" Oh this? Just a little sunburn skin I've been saving.

Next-Generation Gelatin Could be Derived from Humans Instead of Animals [popsci]
via
♬ J-E-L-L-ewwwwwwww..... ♬[zomdroids]

Thanks to zombiepartz, who's been eating humans since before it was cool. F***in' hipster zombies.

Jul 14 2011 Damn Nature You Gowjus: Sand Zoomed 250x

These are grains of sand magnified 250x. I have no clue if representative of typical grains of sand like you'd find stuck to a dog turd at the beach, or if they had to pick through a bunch on a magic beach to find some really good ones. In reality, most sand probably looks pretty unspectacular under a microscope (and even more so though a telescope). Also unspectacular under a microscope?: your MY penis. See what I did there? I took one for the team. It's called sportsmanship or something. I dunno, I never played sports in school. I did play 'Magic: The Gathering' during lunch though.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the hidden beauty.

Continue Reading " Damn Nature You Gowjus: Sand Zoomed 250x "

Jul 14 2011 This Won't End Well: Artificial Intelligence Reads Video Game Manual To Play Better

Researchers at MIT's Computer Science and Artificial Intelligence Lab enabled an artificial intelligence system to read the instruction manual for the simulation game 'Civilization' so that it could play the game better. Aaaaaaaand now it does (with a jump in win-rate from 46% to 79%). Dammit guys, could you have opted for a game that DOESN'T have such dire ramifications for the human race? I dunno, 'Frogger' or something?

The extraordinary thing about Barzilay and Branavan's system is that it begins with virtually no prior knowledge about the task it's intended to perform or the language in which the instructions are written. It has a list of actions it can take, like right-clicks or left-clicks, or moving the cursor; it has access to the information displayed on-screen; and it has some way of gauging its success, like whether the software has been installed or whether it wins the game. But it doesn't know what actions correspond to what words in the instruction set, and it doesn't know what the objects in the game world represent.

So initially, its behavior is almost totally random. But as it takes various actions, different words appear on screen, and it can look for instances of those words in the instruction set. It can also search the surrounding text for associated words, and develop hypotheses about what actions those words correspond to. Hypotheses that consistently lead to good results are given greater credence, while those that consistently lead to bad results are discarded.

Terrifying. Humanity, meet Skynet's grandfather. Skynet's grandfather, humanity. Now quick -- somebody throw a bag over his head and we'll beat his robotic ass! "Ass, or meat?" What in the -- YOU ARE BANNED FROM GEEKOLOGIE.

Computer learns language by playing games [mitnews]
via
Computer Reads Manual, Plays Civ [rockpapershotgun]

Thanks to Tyler, Matt and Jordan, who all called in sick to work today to start designing their underground bunkers.

Jul 14 2011 Geek Couture: Huge Gallery Of Geeky Dresses & Swimsuits (Pac-Man, Space, LOTR & More!)

This is a massive gallery of geeky swimsuits and dresses from Black Milk (previous collection HERE). If you can look past the "in desperate need of cheeseburgers and asses" models (and it's easy cause they're f***ing rails!), the designs are actually pretty sweet. Swimsuits are $90, dresses $100 and tights go for $75. Me? I go for fast-food at least twice a day BECAUSE I REFUSE TO STARVE MYSELF TO MEET YOUR SOCIETAL STEREOTYPES OF SEXY. *making stomach talk* "FEEEEEEED MEEEEEE ICE CREAAAAAAM."

Hit the jump for a ton more, including a bunch of outerspacey designs, heeeeeeeere's Johnny!, Steve Buscemi, a sweet Middle Earth number and a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " Geek Couture: Huge Gallery Of Geeky Dresses & Swimsuits (Pac-Man, Space, LOTR & More!) "

Jul 13 2011 'Pastafarian' Granted Right To Wear 'Religious' Spaghetti Strainer On Head In License Photo

Niko Alm is an Austrian 'Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster' member who's spent the last three years battling his government for the right to wear a "religious" spaghetti strainer on his head in his driver's license photo. Why you'd do that I have no clue, but now I want one with a toilet seat around my neck and a plunger on my head. Get it? Because I'm a sorry excuse for a turd. :/

Niko Alm first applied for the licence three years ago after reading that headgear was allowed in official pictures only for confessional reasons.

Mr Alm said the sieve was a requirement of his religion, pastafarianism.

The Austrian authorities required him to obtain a doctor's certificate that he was "psychologically fit" to drive.

The licence took three years to come through and, according to Mr Alm, he was asked to submit to a medical interview to check on his mental fitness to drive but - straining credulity - his efforts have finally paid off.

Aaaaaah, I see now. Hey -- as long as this paves the way for me getting my picture taken with a pair of those glittery alien antennae on my head with my face painted silver, I'm all for it. "NEXT! Okay now -- Mr....Geekologie Writer -- smile at the camera and say cheese." *adjusting antannae* Zip-zap, nanu-nanu -- I will vaporize you, human!

Austrian driver's religious headgear strains credulity [bbcnews]

Thanks to Doug, Asbo and Spikey DaPikey, who all wore wigs in their license photos because they make them feel extra sessy.

Jul 13 2011 That Looks...Better Than Half The Stuff In Theaters: A Gorilla With A Video Camera

Time for my closeup!

I swear, actors: so vain. This is a video created by giving a gorilla a video camera in a special Kong-proof box. It's very similar in style to the BBC's Chimpcam series, except instead of chimps it's gorillas. I swear, somebody comes up with one good idea and everyone runs with it. Hey, that's what makes the world go round though, amirite? Kidding, I think it's magnets or something.

Hit the jump for a minute and a half of suck it, Michael Bay -- your ass shouldn't be directing anything but traffic!

Continue Reading " That Looks...Better Than Half The Stuff In Theaters: A Gorilla With A Video Camera "

Jul 13 2011 Impressive Toy War Between Father And Son

If you haven't already seen it (and even if you have seen it that doesn't actually change what it is), this is a video of a father and son locked in an epic toy battle, complete with special effects AND sound effects. It's pretty cute and definitely worth a watch. Now I can't actually remember being five years old anymore, but in my mind this is exactly how I pretend-played with my toys. In reality though it was probably much, MUCH sadder. Just sayin', an imagination only goes so far when your coolest toy is a stick with a face painted on it. Isn't that right, Branchy? BRANCHY? There you ar-- OMG WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?! It looks...chewed. "I was playing fetch with the dog." Dammit, what did I tell you about that?! "He licks his butthole with that mouth." And? "And I was just in it." Exactly -- now go wash up, we're playing space-rangers this afternoon.

Hit the jump for a worthwhile two minutes.

Continue Reading " Impressive Toy War Between Father And Son "

Jul 13 2011 Netflix Movie Rental Favorites By State

Note: Don't damage your peepers squinting, click HERE to see the map in its full-res glory, GLORY HALLELUUUUUUJAH!

Well with Netflix basically doubling the charge for having access to both DVD + streaming movies, what better way to celebrate the kick in the ass (they were actually aiming for your wallet) than a look at Netflix's 'Local Movie Favorites' by state? "Screw it, I'm going back to pirating movies illegally!" Haha -- now you're talking. Unfortunately, you're talking on an old telephone with a piece of glass between us. *mashing tits against window* THEY LONG FOR YOUR GENTLE CARESS.

US Netflix Local Faves [slacktory]
via
Check Out the 'United States of Netflix Local Favorites' Map [nymag]

Thanks to chichi, who claims she doesn't care what she's watching just as long as it's under a blanket with her man. *sigh* So romantic.

Jul 13 2011 Looks Accurate: 'Up' House Built In Real Life

I've never seen 'Up'. I heard it was depressing in the beginning and I have a problem watching depressing stuff because I get down easily. Then stay there. Truthfully, I've never been able to pick myself back up after watching Atreyu lose Artax to the Swamp of Sadness in 'The Neverending Story' (links to you crying your f***ing eyeballs out for the rest of the day -- watch at your own risk, toughguy).

Bangerter Homes, the developer, sought out permission from Disney before building the 2,800 square foot Up! House replica (I'm actually amazed that they got the go ahead) and just recently finished the exterior. The interior still needs some work but they'll be following the movie's blueprints, if you saw it in the movie, you'll probably see it in this house. The developers are being mindful of every little detail--the weathervane, the garden hose, everything.

The house, located in Herriman, Utah, has an asking price of $400,000 and will open up for tours on July 29th to August 14th

The 'Up' house aside, WHYTF did I just watch that Artax video again? My whole day is pretty much shot now. I'd expect four REALLY depressing articles after this one if I were you. Knock knock. "Who's there?" God I just want to sleep forever.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of detail reproduction and a video news report.

Continue Reading " Looks Accurate: 'Up' House Built In Real Life "

Jul 13 2011 Of Course There Is: A Harry Potter Corn Maze

I AM THE GREAT ORK MA, BOW DOWN BEFORE MY SULTRY GAZE.

This is a Harry Potter corn maze in York, England (hence the y'ORK MA'ze) made to celebrate the release of the final film in the series. Some people celebrate by dressing up as their favorite character and going to see a midnight showing, other people by making corn mazes. Hey -- to each their own. Except me. I want all of my own AND part of yours. Granted some might call me greedy, but those are just people I've stolen from that want their shit back.

Hit the jump for a shot of the whole maze.

Continue Reading " Of Course There Is: A Harry Potter Corn Maze "

Jul 13 2011 Holy Home Sweet Home, Batman!: An Ultra-Impressive Batman LEGO Diorama

I can't think "diorama" without thinking "diarrhea", but that's probably just the 7-11 breakfast burrito talking. *BRAP!* Okay now that definitely was. "What'd it say?" Ha, what'd it say -- you're sick. It said, "I'mma set a new record for the GW Mouth to Ass marathon." But I digest, this is a super impressive Batman LEGO diorama built by Flickr user Orion Pax.

Always felt like doing something with all the collected Batman stuff.

So i did.
Approximatly 8000 - 9000 parts been terminated to build the cave.

68 bricks in height.
The base is 40 x 40 studs.

The Batman figure is again scaled up with Woody´s legs and arms painted black.

In the back there is a neon lamp to light up the cave.

Took me about a week to get this done.

Good lookin', Orion. No word if there's a secret sex dungeon somewhere, but if I had to guess I'd say Robin has his little bathole-tickling fingers crossed.

Hit the jump for some detail shots, but be sure to check out Orion's Flickr for some nice high-res versions and a ton of other builds (INCLUDING A MONKEY ISLAND ONE!!!1).

Continue Reading " Holy Home Sweet Home, Batman!: An Ultra-Impressive Batman LEGO Diorama "

Jul 13 2011 You'll Never Woo Me!: Robot Mouth Can "Sing"

Seen here looking way too much like a gaping b-hole to not be made out of a pig's rectum (just like hotdogs!), a robotic mouth (NOT armpit) developed at Kagawa University in (you'll never guess!) Japan belts out a ditty for the camera. It's the latest incarnation of this same robot mentioned last year, it just sings now. And I'm using the term "sings" very, VERY loosely. *ahem* Ke$ha/Katy Perry/Justin Beiber/etc. etc. I've heard dog farts with more talent, girls.

It's based as closely as possible on a human mouth, complete with an air pump for lungs, eight fake vocal cords, a silicon tongue, and even a nasal resonance cavity that opens and closes. Using a microphone, the mouth can listen to itself speak (or whatever you want to call it) and analyze what it hears to try to figure out how to be more understandable and less, you know, borderline nightmarish.

Oh man, you know what's even better than a robotic mouth that can sing? ONE THAT SHUTS THE F*** UP AND DIES ALREADY, AMIRITE GUYS?! Anything. I'd rather be towed behind a car on bare buttcheeks by the wiener, that's how serious I am.

Hit the jump for two videos, the first of the mouth making your ears bleed (read: a Billboard Top 40 waiting to happen), the second of a guy talking about the technology.

Continue Reading " You'll Never Woo Me!: Robot Mouth Can "Sing" "

Jul 12 2011 Fail: Cookie Monster Cupcakes Gone Wrong

You see the top picture? Those are examples of Cookie Monster cupcakes made by a professional (possibly in your local grocer's bakery!). You see the bottom picture? Those are examples of Cookie Monster cupcakes made by yo momma! somebody who doesn't understand you can't apply icing right when they come out of the oven. Or, who knows, maybe they're sick and were going for darker, evil-er Cookie Monsters. *shivers thinking about darker versions of Sesame Street street characters* IT'S EVERY KID FOR HIMSELF -- OSCAR JUST STABBED THE MAILMAN WITH A DIRTY NEEDLE!

Picture

Thanks to Michal, who said he'd eat them anyways because some of the best things he's ever tasted looked like shit. Mmmm, love me some no-bake cookies!

Jul 12 2011 I'm Too High For This: Space-Time Invisibility Cloak Could Hide ENTIRE EVENTS From View

According to a couple physicists who should lay off the ganja and drink more beer and buy me a round while they're at it, a space-time invisibility cloak could be developed that would allow a user to hide entire events from the eyes and cameras of onlookers. Haha -- I've batting my peen around like a helicopter but you can't see! "Um, yes we can." Oh shi-shi, daddy needs some new batteries.

Unlike invisibility cloaks--some of which have been made to work at very small scales--the event cloak would do more than bend light around an object.

Instead this cloak would use special materials filled with metallic arrays designed to adjust the speed of light passing through.

In theory, the cloak would slow down light coming into the robbery scene while the safecracker is at work. When the robbery is complete, the process would be reversed, with the slowed light now racing to catch back up.

Steve Cummer, a cloaking specialist at Duke University, calls the concept "interesting and exciting," but he thinks that actually making such a cloak would be "really, really challenging."

"Dammit GW, tell me you did not just post this because dude's name is Steve Cummer." *snickering* Of coooooooourse I didn't -- invisibility cloaks have Geekologie written all over them! Also: my tits in scars I carved with a pen-knife. I'm obsessive!

Space-Time Cloak Possible, Could Make Events Disappear? [nationalgeographic]

Thanks to Melissa, who's even more childish than I am. Aren't you, Melissa? "Goo goo gah gah." Okay now that's too far.

Jul 12 2011 Ghost Owl Appears After Collision w/ Window

*scratching beak* "F***ing forcefields."

This is a picture of some woman's home window after an owl flew into it. Rest easy though, the owl's apparently okay. Read: it wasn't found dead by the water hose. But it was late delivering a letter to a certain lightning-scarred wizard boy. YOU SHOULDA GONE WITH A STORK.

Experts said the silhouette was left by the bird's "powder down" - a substance protecting growing feathers.

Experts from the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) confirmed the bird was most likely a tawny owl because of its size and shape and the fact that they appear in gardens more regularly than others.

"This would have been very uncomfortable for the bird but thankfully it looks like it survived..."

Really? You think the owl found it "very uncomfortable"? Obviously you've never flown into a f***ing window before. Because I've run through a screen door before and THAT was uncomfortable. I want you to try running into this wall at full-speed and we'll see if you can't come up with a better adjective. *watches* Well? "...doooooctor." Jesus that's even worse than the first one.

Owl leaves imprint on Kendal woman's window [bbcnews]

Thanks to Rev Doc Dom, who doesn't fly into windows but will peep through them with binoculars if he sees you changing.

Jul 12 2011 Insane Portrait-Taking Rube Goldberg Machine

This is a 4-minute video of a massive, multi-room sized Rube Goldberg machine that culminates in the taking of a man's portrait (God, just ask a stranger!). I couldn't really find a screencap that would do the machine justice, so it's best if you just watch the video and see for yourself. Feel free to skip around though, you don't have to watch the whole thing. But it is all good. Like me the three days right before Christmas hoping Santa didn't have time to check up on me except last minute. The rest of year?

*smashes guitar, puts on sunglasses, blows kiss to a hunk*

Hit the jump for more ball-dropping, balloon popping, things rolling around and hitting other things action than you could shake a camera at while taking a picture and wind up with a blurry-ass photo. Plus a making of video.

Continue Reading " Insane Portrait-Taking Rube Goldberg Machine "

Jul 12 2011 Harry Potter Premiere's Burnt Hogwarts Cake

SPOILER: Burnt Hogwarts.

Because everyone's beating their wienerly wands into a frenzy about the final Harry Potter film being released this week, here's the Charm City (of 'Ace of Cakes' fame) commissioned Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry cake made for the NYC premiere. Unfortunately, they made almost an identical cake back in 2008 for the release of Order of the Phoenix, so that's a -4 for originality. No word on what it tasted like, but my guess is straight ass. Fondant: it's not magical. Just sayin', you'd probably be better off downing a bowl of Lucky Charms with sprinkles in strawberry milk. Now that -- that's magical. Also what I eat when I'm stoned.

Hit the jump for another shot sans dramatic lighting, along with links to higher res versions in case you like your fondant up close and personal. I SAID SMASH IT IN MY FACE LIKE WE WERE JUST MARRIED.

Continue Reading " Harry Potter Premiere's Burnt Hogwarts Cake "

Jul 12 2011 Hide Your Pecker, Hide Your Wife: Superstrain Of Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea Discovered

Seen here looking like your wiener's worst DO NOT WANT nightmare, a scientist holds a petri dish containing a new strain of gonorrhea-causing bacteria that's antibiotic resistant. What the -- stop being so cavalier with that shit and put some f***ing gloves on!

A July 8, 2011, report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged doctors to be on the lookout for Neisseria gonorrhoeae, a bacterial strain that causes the disease and can grow and multiply, which is resistant to cephalosporin, a common treatment used for the disease that over the last decade has failed to, and to report the antibiotic-resistant cases quickly.

The strain is being classified as: Gonorrhea strain H041.

Wonderful, so now we've got super-STD's. And by we I mean you, because I'm as clean as a whistle that's never even been blown before. Yes, you can use that one on your friends but I better get credit for it. So yeah, super STD's -- like I wasn't already worried enough about the clap, now I've gotta worry about applause. God, please tell me there's not a standing ovation coming.

Antibiotic-Resistant Gonorrhea [ibtimes] (NOT irritable bowel but I thought that too)

Thanks to becca and Epithet, who encourage you all to wrap it up. And not just to prevent unwanted pregnancy BUT SERIOUSLY DO YOU REALLY NEED ANOTHER REASON?!

Jul 12 2011 I Do: An Automated Wedding Vending Machine

The Autowed is an automated marriage vending machine that binds you and your (way more) significant other together forever with black magic a creepy robotic voice and two plastic rings. The best part is it only costs $1, so there's no excuse why your cheap ass can't afford an open bar at the reception. Besides, it's not like anybody actually wanted to come to the ceremony anyways. You gay, bro? Not a problem, the Autowed performs gay marriages as well. Plus BFF ceremonies! It does NOT wed furries though, so you weirdos are still stuck with a moonlit seance in the woods with all your deer and bunny friends or whatever the f*** you're into. Also, REAL furries shouldn't eat meat. That shit's like cannibalism.

Hit the jump for a bunch of detail shots and a video of the I do in action.

Continue Reading " I Do: An Automated Wedding Vending Machine "

Jul 12 2011 Bringing A Gun To A Paper Fight: Idiot Moron Shoots Himself During Duel With Paper Target

Note: Video is NSFW -- I just shot myself in the leg language.

Seen here showing everyone online how things are done at the NO.K. Corral, Wyatt Derp blasts himself in the leg dueling a paper target. To his credit though, that target did kill a man earlier the same day, so Doc Hollowleg knew he had to be quick. Unfortunately, Yosemite Shame was so trigger happy he couldn't even wait TILL HE WASN'T AIMED AT HIMSELF to shoot. And the rest, my gunslinging friends, is knee-reconstructive history. (In my mind it was the first case of doctors purposefully installing a knee backwards to teach some dumbf*** a lesson)

Hit the jump for dude's official gun-privilege revocation evidence, plus bonus "I'm the only one in this room professional enough to handle a gun" guy in case you're new to the internet.

UPDATE: Added unedited video of guy explaining 'negligent discharges' and showing his booboo.

Continue Reading " Bringing A Gun To A Paper Fight: Idiot Moron Shoots Himself During Duel With Paper Target "

Jul 11 2011 Juan Of The Dead: Cuba's First Feature-Length Horror Film In Over Fifty Years

...was Cuba big into feature-length horror movies PRIOR to the sixties?

I probably didn't do the best screen-capping job, but the preview really is worth a watch. 'Juan of the Dead' (actually 'Juan de los Muertos') is a comedic zombie apocalypse movie that takes place in Cuba 50 years after the Cuban Revolution (basically now). I'd definitely watch it, and I typically don't like subtitled movies because I hate reading and I'm a lazy piece of fat uncultured shit. Don't believe me? Watch. Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the... "LOSE SOME GOT-DAMN WEIGHT, PORKCHOP."

Hit the jump for the very worthwhile trailer.

Continue Reading " Juan Of The Dead: Cuba's First Feature-Length Horror Film In Over Fifty Years "

Jul 11 2011 What The Whowho?: Weed + Challenging Video Games = Better Memory Retention?

No clue, but it definitely helps me get lost as f*** and have to open my map every ten seconds to make sure I'm going the right way. *ahem* Fallout: New Vegas!

According to an iffy study by the Groningen Mental Enhancement Department (WTF?) in the Netherlands, smoking the marijuanas helped Alzheimer's patients score better in memory retention when playing challenging video games. What didn't help: unplugging the console mid-level and beating them in the head with a rubber mallet. You gotta have a control group.

The Groningen Mental Enhancement Department in the Netherlands recently conducted a one-year study to see how gaming and cannabis can affect the brains of Alzheimer's patients. All the test subjects played increasingly challenging games each day, but half the group was also administered smoke. Would you believe that the marijuana test group scored 43 percent better memory retention than the control group?

43%? Or 42.0%? See what I did there? Me neither, I'm high as shit and I swear my printer just said something.

Video Games Improve Marijuana Performance 43% [kotaku]
and
Photo

Thanks to Dirk (is that even your real name?), Evan, Mipsy (that goes for you too!) and christopher, who only play video games when they're low. Hey I'm with you-- nothing raises the ol' spirits like shooting an enemy in the face and watching it explode.

Jul 11 2011 Lightsaber Fight Replaced With Acapella FX

This is the (epic?) lightsaber battle between Obi Okeydokey, Qui Jong Ill and Darth Maurader or whatever from 'Star Wars: Episode One' with all the sound effects replaced with a dude (the same one who did 'The Matrix' one) making them with his mouth, aka "an acapella multitrack". Impressive work bro, but can you whistle? I can't. Or roll my tongue. OR pronounce r's that don't sound like w's. Basically my mouth is useless. "Not for gobbling dude's wieners!" Good one.

Hit the jump for more "vveeew veeew kkkksssshh" than you could shake an officially licensed lightsaber replica complete with glowing FX at.

Continue Reading " Lightsaber Fight Replaced With Acapella FX "

Jul 11 2011 LED TV Coat Designed For Burning Man

Seen here looking cooler than a cucumber in a bowl of Rectal Fire hotsauce, Dave Forbes displays the 160x120 pixel LED television coat he built to wear to Burning Man. Me? I'm just gonna wear a gourd on my pecker LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. Jk jk, normal people don't go to Burning Man.

The Video Coat is a 60" LED video display built onto a lab coat.

160x120 pixels, 0.3" (7.62mm) dot pitch RGB. Powered by a 12V battery.
Plays standard NTSC (North American) analog video from an iPod or DVD player.

There's a couple more pictures and a video of the coat in action after the jump if you're interested. But if you're interested in something a little cooler (temperature wise), 7-11 is giving away free 7.11oz Slurpees today to celebrate their "birthday" (because it's 7/11, derder). Still, 8-ounces -- that's it? That's not even big enough to get a brainfreeze! "Yes it is too." Haha -- CAUSE YOUR BRAIN'S SO SMALL! *looks around for a high-five, settles for awkward neck-scratch*

Hit it for a couple more pictures and the bideo (bideo is the new video).

Continue Reading " LED TV Coat Designed For Burning Man "

Jul 11 2011 600-Point Low Score Super Mario Bros. Run

This is a video of a guy beating Super Mario Bros. with a total score of 600. Which, from what I gathered by skipping around the 8:30 video, is 100 points for each flag level you HAVE to complete while warp-piping your way to Bowser (five, and with no bonus time left on the clock), and one goomba bounce to avoid collecting two coins. I don't know how, but I'm convinced I could still do it with less (I'm a natural born loser is the thing).

Success! Here I achieve the (almost) lowest score possible in Super Mario Bros. for the NES. No save states or slowdown was used, but I did increase the frame skip by quite a bit when waiting at the flag poles. Since you probably don't want to watch that, I cut out almost 8 minutes of video where I'm just running out the clock.

Admittedly, that's pretty damn impressive for a single run without dying. Also: one from New York to California. My heart would probably explode before I even got to Rhode Island! "That's the wrong way." Ha, I think I know my geometry.

Hit the jump for the 'you will never get your initials up on a game at the arcade'!

Continue Reading " 600-Point Low Score Super Mario Bros. Run "

Jul 11 2011 Why Aren't They Moving?: An Ice Aquarium

This is a public aquarium made entirely out of ice and frozen fish in (SURPRISE!) Japan. Neat idea, but I can see the exact same thing walking through the frozen food isle of the Korean market down the street. All kinda shit be starin' at ya!

The Kori no Suizokukan, or the "ice aquarium," is located in Kesennuma in northeastern Japan, and features approximately 450 specimens frozen in ice. Bathed in blue light, presumably for atmosphere, the specimens include about 80 different species of marine life, flash frozen as they're unloaded at Kesennuma's port on the Pacific Ocean.

The temperature inside is a cool 5 degrees Fahrenheit, making warm jackets and pants a necessity.

Now I'm not saying your kids are gonna be vastly disappointed if you take them to the ice aquarium, but I am saying you might as well just take them to the fish market instead and score something for dinner at the same time. Just make sure it's dolphin safe. Speaking of which -- I've actually swum with them before. You hear that, 12-year old girls? IN YOUR BRACE-FACES! I had a pony too.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the frozen fish sticks.

Continue Reading " Why Aren't They Moving?: An Ice Aquarium "

Jul 11 2011 LOTR/WTF Mashup: Saruman Sings Trololol

This is a video of Saruman singing the TROLOLO song (which will now be sung in my cubicle for the rest of the day) from atop Orthanc while an audience of do-gooders watch from below. They...aren't very impressed. Me, yes, but I'm tone-deaf. Also, colorblind. I think I'm gray! NOT gay, although I do appreciate a handsome man when I see one and sometimes wanna kiss him. I'm lookin' at you, Dreamyeyes McMeltmyheartwithasmile!

Hit the jump for the stuck in your head for the rest of the day.

Continue Reading " LOTR/WTF Mashup: Saruman Sings Trololol "

Jul 11 2011 Little Too Realistic Angry Birds Pig Head Cake

I'd be lying if I told you I haven't 3-starred every Angry Birds level released. But I didn't do it entirely on the john. Jk jk. What? The bathroom is my sanctuary! I feel safe in there. Also: my balls for testicular cancer. Early detection is key, guys.

...We baked the cakes, froze them, carved the basic shape of both pig heads, and crumb coated them. We decided to try white chocolate modeling dough for the first time instead of fondant since we are not fondant fans...We then painted more color details on the pieces using food coloring thinned with vodka. We used toothpicks to help the birds stand on the pigs in order to finish the composition.

I dunno, I'm not a big fan of eating faces. Unless -- UNLESS -- it's a pancake. Or, okay, the face of an enemy. Those I eat in front of my other enemies to let them know I'm f***ing crazy and won't hesitate to bite their nose off and chew them all noisily with my mouth open because I have like, zero manners when it comes to that sort of shit. Know what I'm sayin'? I WILL TEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES. "Jesus, GW!" Sorry, Mondays are just really hard for me.

Hit the jump for some worthwhile build shots.

Continue Reading " Little Too Realistic Angry Birds Pig Head Cake "

Jul 10 2011 Blowing Chunks:121-Degree Rollercoaster Fall

Fun for the whole family! (except children under 48")

This is a picture of Japan's new Takabisha roller coaster at the Fuji-Q (NOT Suzie-Q) Highland amusement park near Mount Fuji. It features a 121-degree drop so, not only will you be ejected from your seat, but hit by the coaster car afterward. You hear that, Disneyland?! There's a new happiest place on earth AND IT'S CALLED HEAVEN.

...the Takabisha roller coaster boasts the world's steepest freefall: A gut-melting 121 degrees capable of inducing g-force levels equivalent to those experienced by fighter pilots.

The 141-foot, 62mph drop is merely the cherry that tops a 2-mile-long roller coaster cake filled with seven major twists and turns

Count me in -- I f***ing looooooove puking. Helps remind me I'm alive. Also, that I boozed as hard as I could. GO BIG OR GO HOME! Ooooooooor to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. That charcoal taste is growing on me.

Hit the jump for two videos of the dizziness. The first from the ground, the second from the front seat. Now I don't feel so good.

Continue Reading " Blowing Chunks:121-Degree Rollercoaster Fall "

Jul 10 2011 Star Wars Spaceship Lamborghini Rally Car

This is a Lamborghini Murcielago LP640 covered in a Star Wars themed vinyl wrap for the Goldrush Rally 3 from Denver to Los Angeles. IT IS NON-PERMANENT. So if you want to complain about ruining a lambo you can only complain about ruining one TEMPORARILY. However, it does have both the Galactic Republic and Jedi Order insignias on the hood so OMG NURDRAAAAAGE BESIDES WHAT THE HELL KINDA NON-CANON ASS SPACESHIP IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAY, WUH TEH FUUUUUUUUUUU.

Hit the jump for a short video.

Continue Reading " Star Wars Spaceship Lamborghini Rally Car "

Jul 8 2011 That's All She Wrote: The Last Shuttle Launch

Well folks, that was that. When Atlantis reached for the stars this morning at 11:29 EST, it marked the last launch of NASA's 30-year shuttle program. *tearing open a freeze-dried ice cream in remembrance*

The breathtaking final launch of the space shuttle Atlantis was captured in an incredible photo snapped from an airborne training aircraft NASA uses to teach astronauts how to fly the winged spaceship [but will now be strictly for joyriding]

The flight is the final voyage of NASA's space shuttle program.

"Jesus, GW -- are you f***ing CRYING?" *sniff* You wouldn't understand -- I went to Space Camp TWICE.

Striking NASA Photo Shows Last Shuttle Launch From Above [space]

Thanks to Kevin, slayer and Julie, who encourage you all to reach for the stars. Even if you don't make it, you might melt a couple fingers off and be able to collect disability. OH COME ON -- WTF, GUYS?!

Jul 8 2011 Yikes: Monster Bikinis With Toothy Bottoms

Honey, I'm sorry, but I don't even feel comfortable making love with those bottoms in the same room as me. Created by Pale Horse Design and sold by Iron Fist Clothing each matched bikini set ($30) is sure to shrink any man's turtle at the beach even smaller than it already is (the water's cold, God!). Because if I know women (and I know women), there's one thing they're looking for when shopping for a new swimsuit: A BIKINI THAT'LL MAKE THEIR PRIVATES LOOK LIKE A F***ING MONSTER. *develops body-image issue*

Product Site
via
Monster Bikinis of the Day [geeks.thedailwh.at]

Thanks to Claire, who agrees topless is the new bikini.

Jul 8 2011 Finally, Some Decent Dino Skeletons In Lil' Jars

Finally. God, I couldn't even tell you how long I've been looking for a decent dino skeleton in a tiny bottle. I'm lying, I actually do know how long. It's been like, the time between when I first got the tip in my inbox and clicked the link. So yeah, about 30-minutes (I made a sandwich in between!). Etsy seller TinyWorldInABottle sells just that, tiny worlds in bottles (but not real ones like that cat that carried a universe around in its collar in Men in Black). Actually, they don't actually sell worlds, they're just little scenes. And speaking of little scenes:

Hit the jump for several closeups (they'd have to be otherwise you can't see shit!) along with a bottle of seaturtles hatching and another with three dinos. Yow yow!

Continue Reading " Finally, Some Decent Dino Skeletons In Lil' Jars "

Jul 8 2011 Allegedly (It's Not) The First 'Animated' Tattoo

This is a video of guy getting what's being advertised as the first animated tattoo, despite Little Pete from 'The Adventures of Pete and Pete' having one of a chick in a red dress named Petunia that he could make dance almost 20 years ago. Oh right, AND THEN THERE'S THIS. Personally, if I were this guy I would have opted for a temporary tat, but that's just me and I have a fear of commitment needles. Jk jk, ghosts are the only thing that really scare me.

Hit the jump for not what I would have gotten.

Continue Reading " Allegedly (It's Not) The First 'Animated' Tattoo "

Jul 8 2011 WHAT. THE. F***?!: Fake Dragon Wieners

Bad-Dragon.com sells fake dragon wieners. Dildos, son -- I'm talking dildos. They have models that range from seadragons to faierie dragons to non-dragons like gryphons, werewolves (for you lonely Twilight fans!) and waterhorses. Obviously, they're all incredibly disturbing and I wish I'd never seen them. It's like, you look at one, and then right after you've decided it's by far the most troubling thing you've seen in your entire life, you see the next, even worse one. It was a real eye-opener. Also, wallet. What?! You only live once! (And I owe it to my butt to know what a luck dragon feels like)

Two shots of a small and extra large version of THEIR LEAST OFFENSIVE (BUT STILL NSFW) MODEL HERE and HERE. The rest are bad, man. Really bad.

HIGHLY NSFW WNSF WWF Bad-Dragon.com REGRET IMMINENT CANNOT BE UNSEEN YOU WILL HATE YOURSELF

Thanks to Florian, but not really because I'll never be the same.

Jul 8 2011 Star Wars Dance Party: The Dark Side Dubstep

This is The Dark Side dubstep by The Eclectic Method featuring scenes from the movies. I watched it several times trying to decide whether or not to post it (meaning I probably shouldn't), but it ended up growing on me. Kind of like a wart, but with less constantly hiding my hand in my pocket so nobody sees it. Speaking of which -- are finger warts like, contagious to other parts of your body? I only ask because I handle my penis a lot chew hangnails.

Hit the jump for your Friday dance party.

Continue Reading " Star Wars Dance Party: The Dark Side Dubstep "

Jul 8 2011 Is There Anybody Out There?: Billion-Pixel Space Camera To Discover 10 Planets A Day

Seen here in an artist's rendition (mine -- I'm an artist) of exactly what it'll look like when while in orbit, the European Space Agency's Gaia Spacecraft will rock a 106-CCD sensor, 1-billion pixel "camera" that's over three feet wide (like my ass!) in order to create a 3-D map of the universe. Mass Effect galaxy map or GTFO.

Along the way, it's expected to detect (on average) 250 quasars, 30 brown dwarfs, 10 stars with planets orbiting them, and 10 stars exploding in other galaxies - every day.

The resulting imaging system is so powerful that it will be able to precisely measure the width of a hair from over 600 miles away, and from here on Earth, it could spot a dime on the moon.

OMG please tell me they didn't build this thing just to spot a lost dime on the moon. IT'S TEN CENTS BRO, LET IT GO. Just sayin', I don't bend over for anything less than a quarter. Or a spanking. I'M KINKY AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS.

Spacecraft's billion-pixel camera to spot 10 new planets per day [dvice]

Thanks to Clark, who's hoping for at least one shot of two aliens doing it in a flying saucer.

Jul 8 2011 Beating The Heat (Oooooor Shaking A Can): Japanese Aerosol Cooling Foam

Japanese cooling foam: it may look like dried shaving cream, but it's not. It's cooling foam. It makes you feel cold. Also: telling someone you don't love them. *shivers* Mmmm -- plus it's cheaper. *admiring new dime-sized nips*

Products such as these are not new, but we have seen a boom in demand for them this summer with the idea of "setsuden" (energy saving) becoming more imminent in Japanese people's everyday lives.

Products such as "Hokkyoku Monogatari" (directly translated: Tales of the North Pole) offer a whole new method of cooling down in an interesting way. Not only are they convenient, they can be transformed into anything, ranging from a icy wristwatch to graffiti sprayed onto one's body. The blue foam feels like a giant ball of confetti and as they squeeze it, the air bubbles expand and then "pop," releasing a refreshing breeze of cool air.

Now, I already know the question on everybody's mind: but is it edible? Thankfully they sent me a can, so here goes nothing! *PSSSHHHHHHH* Not bad. I'm kidding, I'm kidding! *peels off label* Look -- I just took the label off a cooling foam and stuck it on a can of spray cheese! "Yeaaaaah, that says ant and roach killer." Oh shi-shi.

Hit the jump for a video demo if you're into that (I am sooooooo into that).

Continue Reading " Beating The Heat (Oooooor Shaking A Can): Japanese Aerosol Cooling Foam "

Jul 7 2011 Massive 'Game Of Thrones' Westeros Map

NOTE: Gigantic huge monster honkin' large-and-in-charge full-size full-res holy moly guacamole you better have not spit in my queso version HERE. Also, CONTAINS SPOILERS, PEEP AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is a giant map of Westeros, the land in which George R.R. (Raymond Richard, NOT Rail Road) Martin's book series 'A Song of Ice and Fire' and HBO's film adaptations by the first book's name 'Game of Thrones' (NOT 'Musical Chairs') takes place. It was created by superfan and artist Other-In-Law, who clearly has the skills to pay the bills. Me? My water's supposed to be shut off by the close of business.

Another great map of Westeros [thewertzone]
via
Crazy Awesome Game of Thrones Map [theuniblog]

Thanks to cam and Xerr, who've never won a game of musical chairs before but did win one of those contests at the fair where you buy a square in a grid and if a cow shits in your square you win. OMG -- COWPATTY BINGO?! I've only cheered harder for turds twice in my entire life.

Jul 7 2011 Artist Gets Raided By Secret Service For Apple Store 'People Staring At Computers' Project

25-year old artist Kyle MacDonald installed some rogue software on 100 computers in two Manhattan Apple stores. The software allowed the computers' webcams to take a picture every minute, and upload the picture to Kyle's server if there was a face detected. He then started a Tumblr blog with some of the choicer pictures. Unfortunately, nobody was picking boogies.

Over the course of the project, McDonald set up roughly 100 Apple store computers to call his servers every minute. That's a lot of network traffic, and he learned that Apple monitors traffic in its stores when he received a photo from a Cupertino computer of what appeared to be an Apple technician. The technician had apparently traced the traffic to the site McDonald used to upload the program to Apple Store computers -- and installed it himself.

McDonald figured that Apple had decided the program wasn't a big deal. That was until four Secret Service men in suits woke him up on Thursday morning with a search warrant for computer fraud. They confiscated two computers, an iPod and two flash drives, and told McDonald that Apple would contact him separately.

Whether you side with Apple/the government (which are practically the same!) or Kyle, you have to admit it's a shame more people don't flash their tits at random computers. Haha! *moons laptop forgetting I have a Skype window minimized*

Hit the jump for a video about the project and a link to his not-being-updated Tumblr with a couple pages of faces.

Continue Reading " Artist Gets Raided By Secret Service For Apple Store 'People Staring At Computers' Project "

Jul 7 2011 TMNT SHOCKER!: The Truth Behind "Pickles"

I knew there was a reason I love those things so much. I could eat a whole jar in a sitting (and have before). This changes nothing for me really. A lot of people I know swear by Vlasics, but those people are idiots (most of the people I know are) and have obviously never had a Famous Dave's brand turtle dick before. To die for. Literally -- if Leonardo and the guys find out how many of those things I've had I'm a f***ing goner.

Pickles [blameitonthevoices]

Thanks to max, who claims he actually got a ball in a jar once. Mmmm, love it when that happens.

Jul 7 2011 Was Only A Matter Of Time: Pixel Sunglasses

In other depressing eyewear news, this is a series of pixelated sunglasses from Belarussian designer Dzmitry Samal called 5dpi (dots-per-inch for those of you who have no business being on the internet). I'm not sure how I feel about them, but a hipster coworker of mine just popped like forty mustachioed boners after seeing them, so, yeah, I'm leaning towards 'they suck bigtime'.

These futuristic glasses have been designed with a pixelated effect, deliberately reflecting society's fascination with an "informational aesthetic". The design clearly refers for late 1980s computerized graphics and video games such as Tetris. While computer images and graphics have been revolutionized over the past two decades, these glasses are reminiscent of society's digital roots and how technology has inspired almost everything in use today. Even something as utilitarian as glasses can be transformed using technology.

Not gonna lie, that made me wish I'd never learned to read. The glasses are also available in a slightly more progressive, 6dpi version (pictures after the jump) that look equally as bad. Oh -- did I mention they all cost around $285? Looks like it's knock-off neon Wayfarers for you, hipster.

Hit the jump for one more shots of these, and the 6dpi ones. Or don't, I'm as upset about this as you are.

Continue Reading " Was Only A Matter Of Time: Pixel Sunglasses "

Jul 7 2011 Adidas x Star Wars Fall & Winter Collection

This is the latest Adidas x Star Wars gear to hit the street. And by street I mean sales rack, because this ain't the kind of shit that's gonna be sold out the back of a truck. iPhone 5 knock-offs yes, and I'll give you a great deal on one because you seem like a good person/I like you. Anyway, Star Wars Adidas gear -- it looks good and it's expensive. Just remember: you get what you pay for. Except me. Because one time at Starbucks I paid for an iced latte but got a vanilla fappuccino. Crazy, I know. In hindsight I may have taken somebody else's drink.

Hit the jump for the rest of the collection including a pair of wampa kicks I'm actually considering.

Continue Reading " Adidas x Star Wars Fall & Winter Collection "

Jul 7 2011 Rudundant: Magic Emotion Emoticon Glasses

These conceptual (thank God) Magic Emotion glasses from thinker Yunfan Tan were designed to enhance the visual emotions of the wearer, that way THERE IS ZERO DOUBT whether somebody's sad or angry. You know, because it's hard to tell when somebody's crying or punching you in the head.

There is a new LED material called lightform that could be used on the glasses.

But the problem is how does the eyewear know your emotion. I imaged a kind of micro detector. It could detect your expression, blood pressure, heartbeat etc. to know your emotion.

I'm gonna be honest: you've never really had much of a poker-face so enhancing your facial expressions is just gonna be overkill. Besides, it's easy to tell how a person is feeling. And, if not, tie them to a chair and torture them till they tell you. SPOILER: It's usually 'scared'. Me? I'm easy to read -- I wear my heart on my sleeve. Also: a nametag that says 'HELLO MY NAME IS DINGLEBERRIES'.

Magic Emotion Concept Eyewear [behance]

Thanks to Alyson, who knows cool looking glasses when she sees them and they are NOT the ones you're wearing. It's true, you look ridiculous.

Jul 7 2011 Storm On Saturn Wraps Around Entire Planet

Note: Much larger version HERE in case you're looking for an out-of-this-world (but not solar system) wallpaper.

This is allegedly a real picture (although I have my doubts -- NASA) of a massive storm on Saturn that has wrapped around the entire planet and caught up with its tail (the fainter discoloration below the brighter one). Impressive, but my dog does that shit all the time. Plus hock up unchewed kibble on the carpet.

Given Saturn's diameter of about 120,000 km (72,000 miles) and the latitude of the storm (call it 45°), this monster system must be well over 300,000 km (180,000 miles) in length! That's three-quarters of the way from the Earth to the Moon.

Crazy. But equally crazy: how the photo was shot dead-on with Saturn's rings so they only appear as a line. Now that's nuts. And not little ones like pistachios either, I'm talking some bigass ones -- like coconuts. "You're so dumb GW, coconuts aren't even nuts -- the Coco de Mer is actually the world's largest botanical nut and can weigh over 60-pounds." Hoho -- sounds like we've got a nut-lover in the audience! *teabag, teabag* BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

A storm wraps around Saturn [badastronomy]

Thanks to Julian, who's particularly fond of space because that's where cheese comes from. Yeaaaaaaaaah, I'm not sure who told you that, Julian, but they are 100% correct! (It was probably me)

Jul 7 2011 Super Mario World/Earth Mashup Shirt

Wanna look as snazzy as Joe Cool here? Then you're gonna need to grab yourself a $20 'The Plumber's Empire' shirt from Go Ape. Ooooooooor throw on a pair of Wayfarers and grow a 10-o'clock shadow. As you can see unless you've blinded yourself with fireworks or playing with yourself, 'The Plumber's Empire' combines the iconic overworld from the SNES classic Super Mario World, with the iconic overworld of -- hold on to your tits -- earth. HEY -- I DIDN'T SAY LET GO YET. Now mash them together and make that duck face you're so good at.

Hit the jump for a couple closeups and a link to the product site where we can all go buy one, then wear them on the same day and high-five our asses off.

Continue Reading " Super Mario World/Earth Mashup Shirt "

Jul 6 2011 First (Commercially Available, Street & Sky Legal) Flying Car Is Cleared For Takeoff!!!1

Cleared for takeoff -- get it?! Because that's what they do to planes at the airport or whatever SHIT I DON'T KNOW, I'M NOT A TERRORIST. So yeah, the Terrafugia Transition flying car -- literally, a car with folding wings than can fly, has received the last approval necessary to be delivered to pre-orderers sometime next year. *considers moving to a 1st floor apartment*

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) recently granted special exemptions for the Transition "roadable aircraft."

The NHTSA stipulations involve the type of tires and windscreen the Transition will use as a land vehicle. The tires are rated for highway speeds and the windshield will be made of polycarbonate materials instead of automotive safety glass to save weight and prevent shattering in a bird strike.

Terrafugia says the Transition, which notched its maiden flight in 2009, is "the first (light airplane) to incorporate automotive safety features such as a purpose-built energy absorbing crumple zone, a rigid carbon fiber occupant safety cage, and automotive-style driver and passenger airbags."

Sure it's a step in the right direction, it's just not a very big one. It's like baby stepping up to a crack to avoid breaking your mother's back when you should be leaping over that shit with gusto. So, yeah, a crappy car when you're driving it, and a crappy plane when you're flying it. The future, ladies and gentlemen -- the future!

Buckle up! Terrafugia flying car approved for roads [cnet]

Thanks to Becca and Pat, who are all 'George Jetson or GTFO'. Hey I'm with you.

Jul 6 2011 Faceybooks: Now With More Video Chat

Because if there's one thing my life's been missing, it's direction people I went to middle school with, bored out of their f***ing minds and deciding to video-chat me to catch up on the past 18 years. Thankfully, Facebook now has a video-calling option. I swear, I am like, five-seconds away from deleting my Facebook. The only reason I keep it around anyways is so I can log in to maintain the Geekologie page. Well, that and to see how fat and ugly the girls that turned me down to prom have gotten. HAHA -- NOT SO HOT NOW, ARE YOU CINDY?! I hope she f***ing reads this.

Geekologie's Facebook Page
which is way more important than
Facebook's Intro to Video Calling (requires a small 400k download)

Thanks again to Ferrous, who, for two tips in a day, gets two shoutouts. Funny how that works.

Jul 6 2011 Pokemon Wedding Cake And 151 OG Figurines

This is a Pokemon cake and 151 original character figurines made for someone's special day. And by special day I mean marriage, just so we're not confused (in my mind you were thinking high school graduation).

People were literally FIGHTING over getting their favorite pokemon with their piece of cake but it was the most loved cake that everyone enjoyed. It is modeled off of the Super Smash Bros. pokemon stadium and Jessie (Musashi) and James (Kojiro) were the toppers.

Oh man, I've seen some fights break out at weddings before but I would literally pile-drive somebody's gramma into a folding table if I didn't get Mew or Omastar. Also, the garter. What? I like to wear them on my head and pretend I'm an angel! *waving improvised pipe-cleaner wand at penis* Harry Potter Penis Spotter, grow, GROW, GROW! Dammit -- nothing.

Epic Pokémon Stadium cake by kashii-tan [albotas]

Thanks to Jenny, who saw a cake fall over at a wedding before and made the bride cry. Me? I would've licked that shit off the floor. I'm a catch!

Jul 6 2011 777-Pounds: The World's Largest Hamburger

Damn, just look at those buns. And I'm not normally into guys with grey hair!

America -- in one word: excessive. In two: excessive eaters. Which is why it should come as no surprise that the world's largest hamburger was created over the holiday weekend at the Alameda County Fair here in California. There are no more cows on Old MacDonald's farm.

Juicy's Outlaw Burger...was 600 pounds, or a small cow's weight, of beef, 30 pounds of lettuce, 20 pounds of onions, and 12 pounds of pickles, all wrapped like a happy hulking family inside a 110-pound bun.

After the ketchup-squirting ceremony, fair visitors were allowed to purchase pieces of the burger for 99¢ a serving, which, I imagine, was just 1/2 pound of ground beef for most people. Me? I asked for mine in all pickles. Then I went back for seconds and scraped all the burnt charcoal-y parts off the bottom. THAT'S RIGHT, READERS -- I'M PREGNANT!!!!!1 Jk jk, just fat and weird.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the 1.3-MILLION calorie burger.

Continue Reading " 777-Pounds: The World's Largest Hamburger "

Jul 6 2011 Super Mario Stop-Motion Paper Animation

This is a 3:30 stop-motion paper animation featuring Mario in a bunch of one-off scenes from the difference games. It was created by animator Eric Power as a means of showing off his paper-animating skills, with the hopes of drumming up some other paper (the money kind) for a feature-length 'Path of Blood' papermation about ninjas. Which, fun fact: ninjas love paper. Know why? Because it can cut! I bled making paper throwing stars yesterday, I'm just sayin'. "Daaaaaaw, did lil GW start his period?" I'M CRANKY YOU BE NICE TO ME.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video and a link to Eric's Kickstarter page.

Continue Reading " Super Mario Stop-Motion Paper Animation "

Jul 6 2011 Finally, A 3-D Printer That Prints In Chocolate

Chocolate: it tastes good but makes you fat. I'm actually in the process of weening myself off a four-Snickers-a-day habit but it's not going so hot (read: yesterday I had six and an Almond Joy). Enter the printer that can build things in 3-D chocolate by building them up layer by layer. CACAO!

Once the prototype becomes a finished product, it may find a role in the restaurant and food preparation industry.

"Obviously, it's chocolate, so it is hugely appealing," said Joanna Grant from UK online gift retailer findmeagift.co.uk.

But what is even more appealing, she added, is that customers will be able to design any object on a computer before hitting the print button.

Did you hear that? It was the sound of a million guys planning on sending 3-D chocolate versions of their penises (NOT b-holes -- those already exist) to their friends. You know, because that's what bros do. Plus share a blanket on movie night. Teeheehee -- your feet are cold, bro!

Printer produces personalised 3D chocolate [bbcnews]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom and Suppenkasper, who are both holding out for a printer that prints in cookie dough. MMMMMMM!!

Jul 6 2011 GLaDOS Singing Portal 2's 'Want You Gone'

SPOILER ALERT: My milk this morning was chunky and I vomited video contains basically the entire end of the game.

This is a music video created by Pedro Calvo of GLaDOS singing Portal 2's catchy ending credits ditty 'Want You Gone', spliced together with relevant homemade animations. Not gonna lie, it's worlds better than anything you'd see on MTV these days. *turns on television* GAH! *smashes television* Woopsie. Thank God I'm working from Best Buy today, amirite? Geek Squad, GEEK SQUAD! Call me if you need me, I'll be in the back preinstalling gay porn on laptops.

Hit the jump for the 'gonna be stuck in you head all day'. Unless...
♫ Chocolate rain, somethin' somethin' somethin' fudge is good ♫
No need to thank me.

Continue Reading " GLaDOS Singing Portal 2's 'Want You Gone' "

Jul 6 2011 Tokyoflash's Latest: Telling Time With Words

Words: they'll never hurt me like sticks and stones. And, okay, the stove. But now you can tell time wif dem! And Tokyoflash's latest, the Kisai Kaidoku, does just that. It's the second fan design submitted to Tokyoflash's Design Challenge blog to become reality (the first being the RPM) and was conceptualized by a 15-year old. I wasn't conceptualizing anything at 15 except what a tit might feel like! (In my mind, a balloon filled with pizza dough)

Available in black with a blue LCD display or silver with a blue, green or purple LCD display, Kisai Kaidoku is 'always on' and has time, date, alarm and an EL backlight. It is available for a limited time release price of $119 (€82, £72) until 11:30am Friday July 8th (Japan time).

Well -- you guys like this one? If you like it I might be able to get my hands on some to give away in a contest. And by hands I mean wrists, because that's where you're supposed to wear a watch. NOT on your penis. *AHEM* I'm looking at you, Mr. AskMeWhatTimeItIs!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots, a video, and another link to the product page.

Continue Reading " Tokyoflash's Latest: Telling Time With Words "

Jul 5 2011 Really Terrible: What A Year's Worth Of Makeup Looks Like Applied In A Single Day

This is allegedly 365 applications of makeup applied to a woman's face over a 9-hour period. The result, which looks like a cross between Kim Kardashian and a burn victim (which would be a great combo in real life by the way) are terrifying, probably even more so to young children. Personally, I don't like makeup. Unless we're talking makeup sex, in which case I'm torn because I really don't like fighting in the first place. Dammit, I'm a lover not a fighter! Just kidding, I am a ninja fighter. And a fire fighter. And, shit, since we're all being so honest -- I can also turn into a fighter jet. "Like a Transformer?" What the -- no not like a got-damn Transformer! *firing missiles*

Hit the jump for the gunkification in process.

Continue Reading " Really Terrible: What A Year's Worth Of Makeup Looks Like Applied In A Single Day "

Jul 5 2011 Here, Pervert: Ironettes Perform At Japan Expo

This is a video of the Ironettes' recent performance at Japan Expo 2011 in Paris, France (you know, the Japan Expo -- in France). For those of who who aren't familiar with the Ironettes (as seen in Iron Man 2), they're just like the high-kicking Rockettes, except dressed as incredibly poorly-armored Iron Ladies. Fun fact: shiny spandex won't stop a bullet. "Yeah -- or me from oglin' that ass!" Gee, let me guess -- you have a picture of you with the Dallas Cowboys/Insert Other Team (BUT NOT PENIS) Here cheerleaders hanging up in your man cave. "How'd you..." BECAUSE YOU'RE A TEXTBOOK PERVERT, DUMMY.

Hit the jump for the HD iron-ass shakin' performance.

Continue Reading " Here, Pervert: Ironettes Perform At Japan Expo "

Jul 5 2011 Super Mario Enemies Frighteningly Reimagined

Super Mario enemies: a lot of times you felt bad killing them because half of them were just happy little turtles THAT DIDN'T EVEN ATTACK. Enter artist Mike Puncekar, who shows you what those 8-bit graphics couldn't: the darker side of Mario's enemies. This is obviously a goomba here, but hit the jump for nine more, all of which are nightmare-inducing. And speaking of nightmares: I had one last night where a friend, under the pretense he'd found a missing shoe of mine, lured me into this basement and tried to kill me. God -- what a girl's willing to go through for a good pair of pumps amirite?!

Hit the jump for the creepfest.

Continue Reading " Super Mario Enemies Frighteningly Reimagined "

Jul 5 2011 Elemental Sorcery: Water Shot At 7,000 FPS

F***in' water -- how does it work?

This is a video of water doing its thing (being wet? I have no idea) at 7,000 frames per second. It...looks drinkable. The water that comes out of the tap in my apartment? Brown. It's so bad it's actually stained the floor of the bathtub. Or is that because I pee in it? The world may never know! (It's because I pee in it, derder)

Hit the jump for the hypnotic wa-wa in action.

Continue Reading " Elemental Sorcery: Water Shot At 7,000 FPS "

Jul 5 2011 Whew: Finger Lengths Related To Wiener Size

A recent study by scientists who don't give a shit about curing cancer has determined that males with right-hand ring and index fingers of a similar length are more likely to have smaller wieners than males with a difference in lengths. And, as is clearly evident from the picture above, I have to tow mine behind me in a Radio Flyer.

While the men were under anesthesia, the researchers measured their finger lengths and both their flaccid and stretched penis lengths. Stretched penis length is statistically correlated to the size of the penis when fully erect.

The average flaccid penis length, the researchers found, was 3.0 inches (7.7 centimeters), with a range of 1.6 to 4.7 in. (4 to 12 cm). Stretched lengths ranged from nearly 3.0 to 6.7 in. (7.5 to 17 cm), with an average of 4.6 in. (11.7 cm).

The average ratio between the two fingers was 0.38 in. (0.97 cm), with a range of 0.35 to 0.44 in. (0.88 to 1.12 cm), making the differences hard to make out with the unaided eye. But the lower the digit ratio, the study found, the longer the penis was likely to be.

I would looooooooove to get my penis stretched and measured under anesthesia aside, I'm gonna take a peep around the office and see if I can't size up some johnsons without resorting to peeking over urinal dividers like I normally would. I'll let you know what I found out.

UPDATE: OMG -- THE SUPERFICIAL WRITER'S FINGERS ARE ALL THE SAME LENGTH! Plus there's six.

Finger length linked to penis size [msnbc]

Jul 5 2011 One Minute Of Quadrocopter Crash & Burns

The University of Pennsylvania's GRASP Lab, in an attempt to subdue me so I don't bulldoze their building down, has posted a one minute video of their autonomous quadrocopters crashing into each other and all around failing at robotic life. I found it, dare I say, humorous? "There's nothing funny about robots, GW -- you taught me that." I did, and that was just a test to make sure you hadn't forgotten. You keep it up and you're on track to become a lieutenant in my anti-robotics army. "Really?!" F*** no, you're laser-fodder and you know it. It is your density. Now make like a tree and get outta here.

Hit the jump for a minute of high-flying fail.

Continue Reading " One Minute Of Quadrocopter Crash & Burns "

Jul 5 2011 But He Was Bald: A Darth Vader Hairdryer

Because there's LITERALLY F***ING ZERO Star Wars merchandise George Lucas won't license if you line his pockets enough, here's a hairdryer styled after Darth Vader's iconic mask. It's perfect for the person that's been hoping to add a little Star Wars flair to their bathroom, but is afraid a C-3PO electric toothbrush will just make them look desperate (and it will). Plus your girlfriend's gonna loooooooove this thing.

"This is a hair dryer, I asked for a hair straightener. Does this look like a CHI to you?"
"But baby -- it's the Vade."
"I guess you didn't want to see me in those Leia hairbuns after all."
They sell CHI's at that mall kiosk, right? If I park in a fountain I can be back in 20.

Hit the jump in case you simply can't live the rest of your life without seeing the back of a conceptual Darth Vader hairdryer.

Continue Reading " But He Was Bald: A Darth Vader Hairdryer "

Jul 5 2011 Salvia: It Can Make Your Boyfriend Disappear

Note: Video must be watched to completion.

This is a video of a couple smoking salvia without anybody to keep an eye on them. It's...not a good idea. Eventually, Doro the Explorer gets restless and decides to take off an adventure. And what an adventure he has! SPOILER: Right through the looking glass. And by looking glass I mean window. He goes through the window.

Hit the jump and be thankful you spent your holiday weekend not doing this.

UPDATE: Added full-length version of dude eventually coming back in after the short version.

Continue Reading " Salvia: It Can Make Your Boyfriend Disappear "

Jul 4 2011 Avatar Guy, Now With 1,000% More Ass-Tats

Note: Uncensored (and squeezable looking!) buttcheeks after the jump.

So yeah, Avatar tattoo guy decided to get some Na'vi (NOT navy) blue stripes flaming out from between his buttcheeks, because that's a good look for a crazy person. Personally, I would have opted for a permanent piece of toilet paper peepin' out the top of my crack, but I'm a prankster. "Psst, GW -- you have a little something sticking out of you underwear." HAHA, THE JOKE'S ON YOU -- IT'S A TATTOO!! Aaaaaaaaaand I really regret getting it. *eyeing finger-mustache*

Hit the jump and BUH-BWAM -- UNCENSORED MAN ASS.

Continue Reading " Avatar Guy, Now With 1,000% More Ass-Tats "

Jul 4 2011 HAAAAAAAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!

I hope everyone's been enjoying their 4th of July weekend and not forgetting about the things that matter most this holiday: creating lasting memories with friends and family fireworks. These are a couple shots a buddy of mine took of a Superman backwards-trike allegedly belonging to NBA star Dwight Howard. Superman is all American, right? WRONG. But I'm posting it anyway. Hit the jump for a shot of the back -- it has speakers. Freedom -- FREEDOM! *shoots bottle-rocket out of stomach roll*

Hit the jump for one more shot, then BBQ. See you all tomorrow, I'll be the one with burns.

Continue Reading " HAAAAAAAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!! "

Jul 1 2011 Let's Get This Canada Day/4th Of July Party Started!: Fireworks In Super Slow-Motion

OMGWTF4THOFJULYBBQ!

These are a couple videos to get your Canada Day/4th of July holiday weekend kicked off right. The first couple are slow-motion videos of fireworks going off shot with a Phantom at 2,000 frames-per-second. The last one is a guy shooting off fireworks that have little video cameras attached to them. That one is really spinny and'll probably make you puke. Also, the deviled eggs I made for my 4th of July party. Get it?! Because I made them in May. I can't help it, I'm a planner!

Hit the jump for the videos, then go have yourself a (relatively) safe Canada Day/4th of July holiday weekend. I'll be thinking about you when I'm pointing fireworks at my friends. FRIENDS, LOL!

Continue Reading " Let's Get This Canada Day/4th Of July Party Started!: Fireworks In Super Slow-Motion "

Jul 1 2011 Shoot It In My Eyes!: Soda, Now In Spray-Cans

Um, all soda cans are spray cans if you shake them first.

Because tilting a can back/not poking your eyes out with a straw takes skill and dexterity that today's youth are lacking, soda is now available in spray-cans. Think spray-cheese, but then think soda. Then think both of them together day after day and you'll understand why I look the way I do. *BELCH*

It took a team of 40 researchers and developers to come up with this new soda delivery system, which apparently dispenses a product with a texture that's a cross between a soft drink and Reddi Wip. Yum?

To activate Turbo Tango, the packaging instructs users to "Hold upright and squirt in your mouth (and nowhere else)."

40 researchers that should be awfully f***ing ashamed of themselves aside, this shit sounds pretty pukey. Don't get me wrong -- I'm all for having things sprayed in my mouth, I just don't know how I feel about this. Yes, yes I do: sticky. What?! I have bad aim!

Soda follows Cheez Whiz into spray cans [dvice]

Thanks to The Cook, who makes a mean cheesy-ramen.

Jul 1 2011 Taste The Rainbow: Roomba Pattern LED Art

Hey -- this rainbow tastes like pet fur and dust bunnies!

What happens when you let seven Roombas (each with a different colored LED strapped to its head) loose in a room for a late-night cleaning sesh? This. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, LARRY.

The creators, IBR Algorithm Group, explain that the Roombas were all running at the same time, hence the collision points in the painting.

Personally, I don't want to be killed in my sleep for being too lazy to run a vacuum, so I've never owned a Roomba. My brother has one though, and I haven't heard from him in weeks. You do the math. "10 x 2 = 30" Okaaaaaaaaay, maybe we'll let a calculator do the math next time.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the art is dead.

Continue Reading " Taste The Rainbow: Roomba Pattern LED Art "

Jul 1 2011 Now That's A Playset: Huge LOTR LEGO Builds

Remember last week's Dark Tower/Eye of Sauron LEGO build? Well it turns out it traveled with friends to the 2011 Brickcon. These are them, starting with an absolutely massive (like me) Minas Tirith. I posted a couple more pictures after the jump, but you'll have to check out the link for more steaming-hot action, including:

• Hobbiton

• The town of Bree and the Inn of the Prancing Pony
• Rivendell
• The mines of Moria
• Isengard and the tower of Orthanc
• The Golden Hall of Edoras
• The beacon towers
• Helm's Deep
• The Pellinor Fields and Sauron's armies
• Osgiliath
• Minas Morghul
• The Black Gate of Mordor
• Mount Doom
• And the tower of Barad-Dur

Holy goggles that's a lot of Lord of the Rings love. And, speaking of LOTR love -- Merry and Pippin. They're like, you know, really good bros that hold hands and kiss. I've got those.

Hit the jump for a couple more, but make sure to check out the high-res versions by following the link.

Continue Reading " Now That's A Playset: Huge LOTR LEGO Builds "

Jul 1 2011 China Claims World's Longest Ocean Bridge

Pissed Japan stole back the honor of housing the world's fastest supercomputer, China answered back this Thursday (apples to oranges style) by opening the world's longest sea-bridge, at a staggering 26.4 miles. That...sounds like a terrible f***ing place to run out of gas.

The Jiaozhou Bay bridge in China took more than four years to build.

It links China's eastern port city of Qingdao to Huangdao island.

"The earthquake- and typhoon-proof bridge ... is designed to withstand the impact of a 300,000-ton vessel," Guinness said.

About 81 million cubic feet of concrete was reportedly used -- enough to fill 3,800 Olympic-sized swimming pools.

Well thank God they converted millions of cubic feet to Olympic-sized swimming pools, amirite?! Because otherwise all that concrete would hard to imagine.

A marathon span: China opens world's longest bridge over water [msnbc]

Thanks to bb, who knows I get all sweaty-palmed and like to close my eyes whenever driving across bridges.

Jul 1 2011 Rope Swing + BMX Bike = Nice Moves, Bro

Seen here doing a rad-to-the-power-of-sick gutter stomp or some shit, a kid rides a BMX bike while attached to a rope swing. And this is an hour of that, cut down to 5:30, because, let's not kid ourselves, a whole hour would almost be too good to be true. Admittedly, BMX bike-swinging does look kind of fun. Granted my run would end with a broken tree branch and a trip to the hospital, but so did trying to rescue that old lady's kitten, SO WHAT'S NEW?

Hit the jump for the WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

Continue Reading " Rope Swing + BMX Bike = Nice Moves, Bro "

Jul 1 2011 Dynamite, STAT!: A Robotic Dental Patient

Seen here beckoning your wiener to an untimely dismemberment, robotic dental patient Showa Hanako 2 (Showa Hanako 1 here) opens wide for the camera. Now quick -- toss a stick of dynamite in there and duck behind the x-ray shield!

...this humanoid was originally developed last year as a tool for dentists looking to practice new procedures. Now, engineers at Japan's Showa University have updated their dental denizen, adding a motorized head and replacing her PVC skin with a more realistic silicon coating. She also boasts speech recognition capabilities and can execute freakishly natural movements, including blinking, sneezing, coughing and, under more unsavory circumstances, even choking.

So yeah, basically she's a sex robot flying under the radar as a dental patient. Nice try, Japan! Did I mention one time I chiseled a wisdom tooth out with a fork because I was convinced there was a piece of melted plastic stuck to it? 100% true story. Yes, I ate plastic.

Hit the jump for a video of little Miss Brushnfloss in action.

Continue Reading " Dynamite, STAT!: A Robotic Dental Patient "

Jul 1 2011 Would See In Concert: World's Loudest Animal In Relation To Size Makes Music With Wiener

Seen here serenading gravel, a water-boatman celebrates being the world's loudest animal (NOT largest testicled) in relation to body size. How do they do it? The same way you would if you could -- strumming their wieners. *performs Dueling Banjos with a bro*

Scientists from France and Scotland recorded the aquatic animal "singing" at up to 99.2 decibels, the equivalent of listening to a loud orchestra play while sitting in the front row.

Micronecta scholtzi are freshwater insects measuring just 2mm that are common across Europe.

The insect makes the sound by rubbing its penis against its abdomen in a process known as "stridulation".

Stridulation -- that's, uh, that's not what we call it. Playing the five-finger vagina, yes. Now, not to brag or anything -- and I've never actually set up mics, but my roommate's pretty loud when he rubs his wiener. Hold on, I'll put my laptop up to his door.

"COWABUUUNGAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Told you so! Also, I room with Michelangelo.

'Singing penis' sets noise record for water insect [bbcnews]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom, who took this opportunity to point out his can sing AND dance. Nice -- we're just a flea-circus away from a traveling show!