Apr 29 2011 *Screeeeeech, CRASH!* Road Sign Furniture

I'll dump wherever I damn well please.

This is a gallery of road-sign furniture crafted by Tim Delger with the help of prison inmates. Get it? Because they manufacture all the road signs in there! "Those are license plates." GOD YOU ARE REALLY STARTING TO GET ON MY NERVES. Admittedly, the more reflective signs may create a glare from the television, but that's a chance I'm willing to take. *backing over 'SLOW KIDS AT PLAY' sign* Oh man, this is gonna make a great coffee table in my video game man-cave. "Plus be appropriate." I don't know what you're trying to insinuate but I'm gonna let it slide because it's Friday and I don't feel like choking you out right now. I was lying anyways, I don't even have a man-cave. I do have a hall closet with a pot plant in it though.

Hit the jump for a bunch more.

Continue Reading " *Screeeeeech, CRASH!* Road Sign Furniture "

Apr 29 2011 Sauna Pants: For Sweating Your Balls Off

Sauna Pants may look like a flotation device but there's not gonna be anything bobbing around in a pool of sweat but your penis. I only bought a pair just because I've always wanted a pair of shorts that have to be plugged in. The temperature is adjustable from 95-160ºF and are supposed to help you lose weight, which makes sense because you're going to end up sweating both balls off. For me that's upwards of 40 pounds. For you? Nano-ounces. "There's no such thing as a nano-ounce." YOU SHUT UP. Allegedly there's no such thing as wizards either but then how does TV work? "Are you seriously asking?" No, I know all about magic. Also: what makes women tick. "Clock parts?" I HAD A HUNCH!

Hot Pants of the Day [geeks.thedailwh.at]

Thanks to Mark, who loses weight the old fashioned way: cutting off limbs.

Apr 29 2011 Too Far: Social Networking Pepsi Machines

Pepsi plans to introduce a new line of touchscreen Pepsi machines that, not only serve cold beverages (♫ I like cold beverages ♫), but also help you interact with your friends by buying them sodas. Which, for the record -- I AM NOT YOUR SUGAR DADDY. Get it? Because of all the sugar in soda! That's why kids are so chubby.

The new machines of course let you buy a beverage via a fancy animated UI, complete with swipe controls, but they also let you gift a Pepsi to a friend, or even a complete stranger through "Random Acts of Refreshment".

All you have to do is enter a friend's name and cell phone number (I'm sure PepsiCo has NO plans to keep a database of such details) and they'll receive a txt message with a special code that can be redeemed at any of the interactive machines. You even have the option of recording a 10-second personalized video message that will be played back when they redeem it. Or, you can send a caffeinated gift to a complete stranger in a different city if you're feeling particularly philanthropic.

Yeah, how about no. The only social networking Pepsi machine I need is one that can communicate with the vending machine next to it to choose the best snack to accompany my Mountain Dew. I kid, I kid. IT'S FLAMIN' HOT CHEETOS, DERDER.

Hit the jump for a video demo or something (I dunno, it looked boring so I skipped it).

Continue Reading " Too Far: Social Networking Pepsi Machines "

Apr 29 2011 Mario 25th Anniversary Converse Chucks

Converse Japan is dropping two limited edition Chuck Taylors (black and white) to commemorate Mario's 25th anniversary as a plumber (and a crooked one too -- I think he stole the copper out of my walls!) No word on cost, but you know what they say: if you have to ask then there's probably no price tag and the salesperson is gonna size you up and try to milk you for all you're worth. Not from these golden teats you're not! *lifting moob, trying to lick mipple*

Super Mario Bros. 25th Anniversary Chuck Taylors. [albotas]

Thanks to nathan, who claims he can dunk a basketball. Oh yeah? Well I could too if it weren't for these sausage fingers!

Apr 29 2011 Road-Net That Can Stop A Speeding Truck

Don't tell Spiderman -- he's already pissed he lost the contract to produce those web-bags oranges come in.

The Vehicle Arrestor *cuffing self to bed* from Barrier1 Systems was designed as a road block to stop speeding vehicles and launch drivers out the windshield as far as possible. WHEEEEEEEEEE!! They also have three other products, the Crash Beam, Bollards (NOT bollocks -- those won't stop anything, just hurt and make you pass out) and Quick Connect, which are variations of the same theme: pure, unadulterated automotive carnage. Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the different systems tearing trucks apart. Then, hit me in the stomach as hard as you can. Go on, I can take it. *POFF!* Holy shit I think I think you killed me. "Dammit GW, that was two 'I thinks'". My brain isn't getting any oxygen!

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video, then we'll discuss working some of these into my stunt spectacular.

Continue Reading " Road-Net That Can Stop A Speeding Truck "

Apr 29 2011 Princess Peach Taking It Off For Dip In Pool

Note: Uncensored version after the jump. Full-res uncensored version HERE, pervert.

This is a picture by digital artist Bjørnar Frøyse (pronounced boner-freeze) of Princess Peach taking it off before a dip in the kiddy pool. *donning Mario's frog-suit*Consider this my royal wedding post.

An image made for a competition at a large LAN party in Norway. The crowd consists of a lot of 16 year old geeks, so I decided to cater to the masses.

All of the 3D elements are made with Blender. Post processing (color correction, lighting effects) was done in Photoshop due to Blender's compositing nodes taking too long to render at the desired resolution.

Good lookin', Bjørnar. I censored the picture on the front page on account of side-boob, which, I don't know about you, but is actually my least favorite part of the boob. I like the nipple area, that's my jam.

Uncensored version after the jump.

Continue Reading " Princess Peach Taking It Off For Dip In Pool "

Apr 29 2011 Art As Awareness: X-Ray Animal Origami

You know what I want to get into? Taxidermy. Just kidding, but I would get into a bed made of pillows and sleep for like two weeks straight. You know, or a car with a stranger. Candy or not, he's cute!

'oritsunagumono' (translated as 'things folded and connected') is a collection of origami works by artist takayuki hori, created to highlight the environmental threat of pollution to a number of species native to japan's coastal waterways.

each translucent sheet is first printed with either the images of fragments of an animal's skeleton, or, on some pages, human-made discarded objects that are often ingested by the animals in the wild. using the ancient tradition of folded paper, hori assembles the pages into a three-dimensional model. once the paper is folded, the printed components are united as a whole, telling the visual story of the animal's plight to survive in an increasingly polluted and hazardous ecosystem.

Dammit, why's everything always gotta be about something? How come we can't just have x-ray origami animals without the sad commentary? Great, now I'm all depressed about birds. One time I knew a goose that was in love with a duck. They lived in my apartment's parking lot. Personally, I don't know what that duck saw in him.

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " Art As Awareness: X-Ray Animal Origami "

Apr 29 2011 Razor Scooters: Now With Graffiti And Fire

I've never owned a Razor scooter. I tried a friend's once but I fell off a curb and scraped my knees really bad. There was blood. Also: townspeople laughing. Now I live all alone in a bell tower, ashamed. I did make a zip-line though so that's pretty coo. Razor scooters with integrated chalk ($60) and spark-bars ($180, electric):

Their Graffiti scooter has a patented 'chalk scribbler' on the back which lets the rider lay down a set of parallel chalk lines while rolling down the street.

But it's their eSpark scooter that has me really concerned. Instead of pieces of chalk hanging off the back it's got a 'spark bar' letting riders leave behind a trail of incendiary sparks...on a single 8-hour charge it can run for about 40 minutes with a top speed of up to 10mph

Eh, the chalk one is pretty worthless considering you couldn't even write 'PENIS' if you tried. Or anything really besides lines. Admittedly, I could use the eSpark for my stunt spectacular provided it can ignite gasoline-soaked concrete and the noise doesn't spook the tigers.

Razor Scooters Now All About Vandalism And Starting Forest Fires [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Charles, who has a skateboard that shoots flames. *looking* Yeaaaaaah, that's not a skateboard that's a jetpack.

Apr 28 2011 Superman Renounces His U.S. Citizenship

In what can only be viewed as a blatant act of terrorism, Superman is renouncing his U.S. citizenship, citing "America's obesity problem he's tired of being construed as an instrument of US policy." You know what? Fine -- but you better change your color scheme BECAUSE THESE COLORS DON'T RUN, CLARK...
...
...
...KENT. CLARK KENT -- THAT'S HIS REAL NAME!

"Superman is a visitor from a distant planet who has long embraced American values. As a character and an icon, he embodies the best of the American Way," DC's co-publishers, Jim Lee and Dan DiDio said in a statement to FOX411.com. "In a short story in ACTION COMICS 900, Superman announces his intention to put a global focus on his never ending battle, but he remains, as always, committed to his adopted home and his roots as a Kansas farm boy from Smallville."

The landmark issue is certainly sparking controversy.

"Besides being riddled with a blatant lack of patriotism, and respect for our country, Superman's current creators are belittling the United States as a whole. By denouncing his citizenship, Superman becomes an eerie metaphor for the current economic and power status the country holds worldwide," Hollywood publicist and GOP activist Angie Meyer told FOX411's Pop Tarts column.

First of all, WTF is a Pop Tarts column and can I eat it cold? Secondly, holy shit people are arguing over comic book characters. You'll have to excuse me if I don't get involved, it's just that I've got other things to worry about. Namely, an erection lasting longer than four hours. I know the commercial says call your doctor, but what that's just a ploy to kidnap me for biological experiments?! "Who knows -- maybe you'll wind up with a superpower..."
...
...
...Hello, Dr. Shirling?! I've had a boner for 48-hours straight and I want to read minds!

Superman Renounces U.S. Citizenship in Latest Action Comic [theblaze]
and
Superman Renounces His U.S. Citizenship in 900th Issue of Action Comics [foxnews]

Thanks to Chris and Julian M., who both have dual-citizenships, and personalities. Ya'll crazy!

Apr 28 2011 How To: Pretend Like You're A L337 Haxor

Simple, you just go to Hackertyper.net, change the custom parameters however see fit, then wait for somebody to start watching over your shoulder. When they do, start pounding away on your keyboard like a child throwing a temper-tantrum, and, PRESTO, lines of code out the ass! Then they'll be all "whoa bro, is this...The Matrix?" Just kidding, they'll probably be all, "hackertype? SEEN IT." Then you'll look stupid. And not just because after patting you on a back they left a 'KICK ME' sign, but it's still there and I am going to pretend like you're clenching a football between your buttcheeks.

Hackertyper.net

Thanks to Anders and wingnut, who actually are L337 haxors and agree the Playstation attack was likely an attempt to steal my trophies. OH GOD NOT MY PLATINUMS!

Apr 28 2011 Sticking Your Finger In Things You Shouldn't

Wrong: that's exactly how you're doing it.

This is a video of a guy at a trade-show or something jamming his finger in some machine before finding out what it actually is. Which -- SPOILER!: is an automatic masturbation/collection machine for sperm-banks. I don't know about you, but if I were dude I'd be praying to the goddess of fertility right now it was just a floor model and not a return.

Hit the jump for a short video of the 'should've wrapped it up' in action.

Continue Reading " Sticking Your Finger In Things You Shouldn't "

Apr 28 2011 Walking On Water: The Battleship Shoe

Boat shoes, yo.

This is a shoe decorated by artist Phil Noto to looks like a battleship. As you can see, it has all the requisite battleshippy features. Most noticeably, a shit-ton of gray. Paint that thing green and you'd swear it was a tank! "No, no I wouldn't." *produces razor from pocket* You wouldn't? "YES -- YES I WOULD!" I thought so. *flips razor to reveal comb* GOTCHA! *brushing pubes*

Warship Shoe [neatorama]

Thanks to Romeo, who -- wherefore art thou, Romeo? Seriously, I'm starting to lose my voice so I'm gonna stop asking if you aren't within earshot.

Apr 28 2011 *Whipping Out Lightsaber* I'll Show You What I Think Of The Dark Side!: A Darth Vader Urinal

"Luke, I may be broken, but I'm still your father -- please don't piss on my chest panel."

This is a broken urinal dressed up to look like Darth Vader. Because if there's one thing that's gonna prevent a man from pissing all over a broken urinal, it's dressing it up like a Star Wars villain. *straining to pee with more Force*

Hit the jump for one more closeup in which you can see the photographer's face (NOT penis) in a reflection.

Continue Reading " *Whipping Out Lightsaber* I'll Show You What I Think Of The Dark Side!: A Darth Vader Urinal "

Apr 28 2011 Steering Wheels Dirtier Than Toilet Seats

I dunno, MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP WIPING YOUR ASS WITH IT.

Why in the hell toilet seats are the litmus test for how dirty something else is is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with dingleberries. Which, fun fact: are actually considered the grossest of all berries (followed by elderberries -- stop pissing yourself and forgetting who I am, God!).

Ready to hurl? Here's the on average breakdown: 700 different bacteria per square inch on a steering wheel, 80 on a public toilet seat and 1,000 distinct bacteria types on car trunks per square inch. Damn, dirtier than a public toilet seat? That's just nasty.

According to lead researcher Dr. Ron Cutler, most people don't bother cleaning their cars or wiping their steering wheel down so germs build up. Eating and driving is also a bad habit that will help breed bacteria on the wheel.

Haha -- and you all thought I was crazy for driving with my knees! "No not crazy, just a really terrible driver." Oh whatev -- those newspaper stands had it coming and you know it!

Your car's steering wheel is actually dirtier than a public toilet seat [dvice]

Thanks to Sarah, who doesn't care because she has a chauffeur. Really? A chauffeur, or bus stop near your apartment?

Apr 28 2011 Mario Double Feature!: A Mario/Portal Mashup And Mario 3's Music Played Acoustically

Mario videos -- everybody loves them, right? "I hate them." YOU SHUT UP -- I HATE YOUR FACE. The first (short) video is of the original Super Mario being played with Portal technology. The second (longer) video is a speed-run of Super Mario 3 with all the music played via "real-time jazz accompaniment". The third video, which I thankfully caught and deleted prior to posting, was a sessy webcam video of me I didn't realize I'd recorded. Trust me, leaving it up would brought the entire site down in an intense flash of pure, unbridled sensuality. Oooooooor me digging between couch looking cushions for a snack. Read: I found and ate a furry Gusher. "You nasty." Still had its juice in it, just sayin'.

Hit the jump for the videos.

Continue Reading " Mario Double Feature!: A Mario/Portal Mashup And Mario 3's Music Played Acoustically "

Apr 28 2011 All The Rage: Ridiculous 'Monkeytail' Beards

There's a new fad sweeping the nation, and, sadly, it's not women going topless. Nope -- it's monkeytail beards. Monkeytail beards (NOT BEARS) start at one ear and then wrap around your chin and mouth to make it look like you just finished picking the ticks off a monkey's nuts with your teeth. Personally, I'm more of a sloth man. "HEEEEEY YOOOOOOU GUYS!" Not him, he still gives me nightmares. You don't actually have to stripe your beard like this Dapper Dan did to achieve a monkeytail, it just scores some extra 'girls talking to you at the bar' points if you do. Unfortunately, any girl who does talk to you will NOT being accompanying you home at the end of the night. "Why not?!" And the answer to that, my friend, lies in the mirror.

"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the handsomest of them all?"
"You must be out of your f***ing mind! Just break me already."

Hit the jump for a pictorial field-guide, including one guy trying to candidly include his gramma in the picture, another doing his best Bushicmi eyes, and another taken on the can. Classy bunch.

Continue Reading " All The Rage: Ridiculous 'Monkeytail' Beards "

Apr 27 2011 Call Of Duty's 'Call Of The Dead' Trailer

If you haven't seen it already, this a video preview of the zombie portion of Call of Duty: Black Op's upcoming May 3rd DLC release 'Escalation', in the style of an exploitation film. That is all. Which, fun fact, is actually what 'amen' means. Kidding, amen means 'so be it'. It's true, I learned that at vacation bible school. Also, that I'm allergic to wine. Read: I turned red as a lobster and projectile vomited a box of communion wafers. What? They didn't give me enough lunch!

Hit the jump to get your hack-slash and shoot on.

Continue Reading " Call Of Duty's 'Call Of The Dead' Trailer "

Apr 27 2011 Ultra-Superlaser Could Be Powerful Enough To Tear A Hole In The Vacuum Of Space

If it can tear a hole in space just imagine what it could do to an ass!

Seen here (but not really because it doesn't exist yet) looking suspiciously like staring down the barrel of a Portal gun, a new ultra-superlaser capable of tearing the very fabric of space-time (and exposing its black hole) has been approved by the European Commission. This...sounds dangerous. It also sounds like I did a great job with the Portal/tearing of space-time connection. PUZZLE PIECES, BABY: I PUT THEM TOGETHER eat them.

At peak power, the fourth laser in Europe's Extreme Light Infrastructure project (or ELI) will combine ten beams into a single pulse measuring 200 petawatts. 200 petawatts is significantly more power that our entire race generates at any given moment, and in fact more total power than Earth receives from the sun.

The 200 petawatt pulses will only last 1.5 x 10^-14 second, which is about the same amount of time that it takes for light to travel from one side of a human hair to the other, if you shave the hair down by 90%.

The hope is that a laser this powerful might actually be able to tear apart the vacuum of space-time itself, revealing the matter and antimatter underneath.

Holy smokes! Destroying the universe aside, I do love me some Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. So, for the moment, I'm behind this laser. Literally -- and fake humping it. Quick, take a picture! "Say cheese." PEWPEWPEW!

New laser will be powerful enough to rip apart space itself [dvice]

Thanks to Candace and alex, who agree every planet has got to blow itself up eventually.

Apr 27 2011 FINALLY -- A Decent Zombie-Proof House

When it comes to buying a home, you've got to ask yourself, "is there gonna be enough room for all my junk/shit but what if zombies attack?" Sadly, for most the answer is "lose and die". But not the owner of this house! THEY BE KEEPIN' THEY BRAINS.

"The most essential item for our clients was acquiring the feeling of maximum security," begins the designers' website in the summary of the structure. Who wouldn't feel safe in a concrete rectangle that folds in upon itself to become completely sealed? Even the windows are covered with a slab of concrete when the structure is on nap time.

The house, with its movable walls, has only one entrance, which is located on the second floor after crossing a drawbridge. Seems like the perfect opportunity to use a flamethrower and defend the life of your family, while stylishly nesting in a piece of architectural elitism.

Damn, now that's a compound. Let's get an expert's opinion. Excuse me, Mr. Big Bad Wolf, but what do you think about this house's security? "I just shat a brick". Haha -- sucked when you should've blown!

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of our new zombie apocalypse meeting place.

Continue Reading " FINALLY -- A Decent Zombie-Proof House "

Apr 27 2011 Pennsylvania Ninja Goes On Crime Spree

Pennsylvania, which is apparently some kind of mecca for f***ing ninjas, is back in the news, this time after a rogue ninja went on a crime spree, breaking into a bunch of cars and stabbing a dude. Pfft, a real ninja would've killed him. Worthwhile quotes:

In the latest event, a sword-wielding ninja smashed 11 cars in South Union Township, PA. and tried to stab a man who confronted him, say police. Santino Guzzo said he heard glass breaking, found the ninja hiding in a yard, and was cut in the hand during the ensuing ninja escape.

"He was like a gazelle that just got attacked by a lion," Guzzo told the Pittsburgh Trib. "He got up and fell, and got up and fell. Then he jumped off a cliff."

Guzzo reported that he "did not move with the grace typically associated with a ninja" and that he therefore "will not live in fear of the ninja's return."

WTAE news, quoting neighbor Chelsey Cunningham, said the ninja also left behind "like, a fifth of liquor."

WHAT KIND OF NINJA LEAVES BEHIND HIS BOOZE?! Damn, you've really shamed your clan this time, Sake Assassin. You know what this calls for, don't you? Harakiri. WHOA WHOA WHOA PUT DOWN THE KATANA, I WAS KIDDING BRO! But seriously, I am gonna nunchuck you in the face for a bit then chop off a couple digits.

Evil ninjas terrorise Pittsburgh [boingboing]

Thanks to venort, Adam and neolardo, who are all gonna dress like pirates and break into cars to help take some of the heat off ninjas.

Apr 27 2011 Malls To Use Full-Body Scanners For Sizing

"You're a large. Also, EVERYBODY DOWN THE BALD WOMAN HAS A GUN!"

Sometimes I wear a large. Sometimes I wear an extra large. But I always wear custom boxers made to accommodate a giant member. Think of my pants as the reptile house at a zoo, but with even more mice being eaten. Aw yeah, I know you hawk-wieners know what I'm talkin' about! So yeah, using full-body scanners to determine your sizes for all the different stores in a mall. "Great tie-in, GW." Thanks, I take great pride in staying on topic.

Ms. Shaw, the entrepreneur, is chief executive of a company called MyBestFit that addresses the problem. It is setting up kiosks in malls to offer a free 20-second full-body scan -- a lot like the airport, minus the pat-down alternative that T.S.A. agents offer.

The customer steps into a circular booth, fully dressed. A wand rotates around her, emitting low-power radio waves that record about 200,000 body measurements, figuring out things like thigh circumference.

Next, the system matches the customer's measurements to clothes in its database. MyBestFit currently measures clothes from about 50 stores, including Old Navy, Eddie Bauer and Talbots.

Customers then receive a printout of the sizes at each store that ought to fit the customer best. The retailers pay a fee when they appear in the results, but they cannot pay to be included in the results; the rankings are based solely on fit. (The company saves the data, with ID numbers but not names, and may give aggregate information to retailers as feedback.)

Admittedly, it's not a bad idea if you can get past the idea of the pervert running the kiosk pleasuring himself to a copy of your body scan while they're on break. "They wouldn't do that." Like hell -- I once caught a JC Penny employee going to town in the bathroom with one of their own catalogs. THE HOMEWARES SECTION. Espresso machines and mixers.

One Size Fits Nobody: Seeking a Steady 4 or a 10 [yahoo]

Thanks to Katt, not to be confused with Cat, who's meowing because I accidentally just locked her in the closet.

Apr 27 2011 THE SIGN SAYS NO SOLICITING!: Another Day, Another Robot Begging For Money

Just wait till Little Red WTF's eyes turn into flames and she steals your soul.

Seen here about to tear a woman's arm clean off, a begging robot solicits donations from patrons at a mall. Great, like it's not hard enough pretending all the human panhandlers are invisible. "Spare some change?" HOLY SHIT, WHAT WAS THAT?!

Korean researchers, with input from MIT's famous Media Lab, have been developing their "urban donation motivating robot," a.k.a. DONA, for a while, and just unveiled the most advanced prototype yet. DONA is essentially a tiny droid that's heavy on the cuteness and packed with robotic smarts--enough to make it engage with potential charity donors in a convincing way.

The robot has sensors above its donation box that detect someone approaching--it then reacts with some body-moves like bowing, waving and wiggling its arms in a pleased way, which makes the donor happy, and potentially entices other nearby people to hand over some cash, too, in exchange for more robotic wiggling.

No thank you. I'd rather put all my change in one of those giant coin whirlpools at the mall anyways. But not the quarters -- I need those for laundry. Speaking of which -- I found a loose pair of panties in the laundry room when I was doing a load of towels. If they're yours you can come get them, FROM MY HEAD. Haha -- I'm peepin' through a leg-hole!

Hit the jump for a video demonstration of the BURN IT WITH FIRE, DO IT NOW!

Continue Reading " THE SIGN SAYS NO SOLICITING!: Another Day, Another Robot Begging For Money "

Apr 27 2011 Um, Yay?: White iPhone 4 For Sale Tomorrow

Because there's nothing that makes a fanboy pop boners quite like color options (seriously, that's all it takes sometimes -- and only black and white), Apple is releasing the long-awaited white iPhone 4 tomorrow for the same price as the black model. So yeah, if you've been holding out on an iPhone 4 until there was a white one, congratulations, you have got to be the worst cell phone buyer ever. And, if you already have a black one and are now going to go out and purchase a white one, well, you're just a terrible person. Like, awful -- I can't even look at you. And I'm not just saying that because that mole on your neck is f***ing staring at me, but you better get that thing checked out before it starts talking.

White iPhone 4 Goes On Sale Thursday [pcworld]

Thanks to Jake, who still rocks a bimini blue Motorola Pronto Plus pager. OMG I HAVE THE EXACT SAME ONE!!

Apr 27 2011 Even Heating: Roastie The Lil Round Toaster

Personally, I'm happy just as long as the bread's not moldy, I've never really had a problem with toasters. But apparently a lot of people really struggle with them. Dummies. The Roastie Toaster features a ring of heating elements around its spherical exterior for even bread heating every time. Unfortunately, it only heats a single piece at a time, making it only useful for fold-overs and sadness. Still, it does look like a hamster ball, so that's something... Something I might have just put Hammy in because I haven't had my coffee yet! SONOFA -- I thought I smelled burnt fur but I'd also just busted ass!

Hit the jump for one more shot.

Continue Reading " Even Heating: Roastie The Lil Round Toaster "

Apr 26 2011 Breaking Things: DIY Slingshot Gatling Gun

Remember the guy that built the machete-shooting slingshot? This is him. It's not a twin or just a brother that looks similar, it's actually the same guy. And now he's back with a steel ball-shooting slingshot Gatling gun. It looks pretty fierce. Granted not as fierce as the face I'm making right now, but people are always telling me I'm lion. "Not lion, you jackass -- lying". What?! THOSE ARE FIGHTING WORDS! No, even worse -- stabbing words. Look -- a street performer! *plunging deep into a kidney* HAHA, WHO'S THE LIAR NOW?! Get it?! Because you're lying there bleeding out.

Hit the jump for two videos, the second of which is slo-mo. Hey, I used to know a slow Moe in grade school! Dude ate paste like it was his job (it wasn't though is the thing -- he was supposed to be the blackboard wiper).

Continue Reading " Breaking Things: DIY Slingshot Gatling Gun "

Apr 26 2011 Eh, Friends Are Overrated Anyways: Water Ski Alone With A 'Skier Controlled Tow Boat'

This $17,000 'Skier Controlled Tow Boat' from Hammacher Schlemmer may look like a Jet-Ski, but it's actually a full-size boat that's been shrunk with a shrink-ray. SIKE -- THIS AIN'T NO GOOFY-ASS RICK MORANIS SHIT, THIS IS REAL F***ING LIFE! (Read: it's a modified Jet-Ski)

A six-button control panel on the tow rope handle sends signals to the boat, allowing skiers to start, accelerate, decelerate, turn, or stop the vessel with slight thumb movements. The nearly 8'-long boat has a three-cylinder, two-stroke 70 horsepower engine with jet pump and axial flow propulsion, generating speeds up to 40 MPH and creating wakes for jumps and other tricks. The jet propulsion engine is safer than propeller-powered crafts and provides superior acceleration and quicker planing--the time required to bring the skier and vessel level with the water surface.

You know what this sounds like? A great way to accidentally kill yourself in the middle of a lake with nobody around. OMG OMG -- I'm totally gonna jump this fallen log! *CA-CRACK!* END SCENE

NEW SCENE, THE GATES OF HEAVEN

Saint Peter: Smooth move, dipshit.

Hit the jump for a shot of the controls, a closeup of the boat, and a video news report about the latest in friendless watersports (no not like peeing on yourself!).

Continue Reading " Eh, Friends Are Overrated Anyways: Water Ski Alone With A 'Skier Controlled Tow Boat' "

Apr 26 2011 You're Next, Magneto!: Compromising A Coke Can's Structural Integrity With Drop Of Gallium

This is a video of the Nurd Rage guy (FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!), who hands down has one of the best voices of our generation, weakening the structural integrity of a Coke can by adding a drop of gallium to the lid, and then scratching the surface to allow the gallium to diffuse into the aluminum and alloy with it. The result? A can that "feels like wet tissue rather than hard aluminum." Pretty neat. Now -- are you thinking what I'm thinking?! If you answered, "f*** up my neighbor's aluminum bike" you are! OMG I soooooooo hope he eats asphalt. Nobody bangs on my wall for playing video games at 9PM!

Hit the jump for the very informative video.

Continue Reading " You're Next, Magneto!: Compromising A Coke Can's Structural Integrity With Drop Of Gallium "

Apr 26 2011 Hand Trux Shovel-Hand $#!7 Picker-Upper

I'm not a backhoe you're a backhoe.

The Hand Trux is an $18 piece of molded plastic designed to scoop up dog shit. Plus they make it look like you're wearing Bumblebee's dick on your arm WHICH IS SO IN RIGHT NOW. Also, not wearing bras. Run with it, ladies. Literally -- run.

Turn your tyke into the action figure of his dreams with an ingenious, slip-on shovel that lets him bulldoze through playtime! Ideal for unleashing the joys of backyard building, beach digging and sister teasing. Bring them to the beach for easy scooping and sand-castle building.

Okay, so maybe it's for the sandbox. Which reminds me -- one time in kindergarten I was digging in the sandbox at school and found a cat turd. Except I thought it was a piece of rubber at first. Didn't taste like f***ing rubber, that's for sure!

Product Site
via
HandTrux Shovels Make You Feel Like A Superhero When Cleaning Up Your Dog's Backyard Indiscretions [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Shannon, who doesn't need a plastic-shovel hand to play at the beach because she brought paddleball. Paddleball?! YOU KNOW I LOVE PADDLEBALL!

Apr 26 2011 Now With Less (Literally Zero) Chemicals: The World's Crappiest Kids' Chemistry Kit

Zero chemicals, zero fun -- just ask my brain.

The Chemistry 60 educational lab kit comes with a bunch of crap/garbage to perform '60 Fun Activities With No Chemicals', making it only slightly funner than an ant farm with no ants and nowhere near as fun as a Physics kit with no gravity. Now that's something I'd experiment with! Also: hunks if I've been drinking. So yeah, the Chemistry 60 -- you can forget about accidentally blowing your garage door off. Which, incidentally, is a good thing (I saw the Big Bad Wolf casing your neighborhood).

Oxymoronic Children's Toy of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Eric, who accused me of buying an anatomy kit for the model penis. DID NOT!

Apr 26 2011 *sniff* Is That...Orc Taint?: RPG Cologne

I was just thinking the other day, "self, you really need to buy some new socks." And nowhere in that conversation did RPG-themed cologne come up AND YET HERE THEY ARE. Go figure. Or fish -- I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

In most pen and paper fantasy RPGs, three of the primary attributes that you must choose for your character are race, class, and alignment. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab's RPG scent series was designed to emulate the character creation process, and are meant to be layered in order to create a character concept. In short: you layer your class, race, and the two fragrances that compose your alignment to construct your character scent

5mL of a scent (which does come in an amber-colored apothecary vial!) will set you back $17.50, so a full four-course character layering will set you back $70. Alternatively, throw me $20 and I'll send you a pint of my blood sweat and tears so you can smell like me. Just kidding, I don't cry (I'll be subbing urine).

Official Site (with a TON of other scents in case smelling like D&D dingleberries isn't for you.

Thanks to J-unit, who smells like heaven provided heaven smells like Middle-Earth. I'm on to you, Hobbit -- WHERE'S THE RING?!

Apr 26 2011 But Did They Get My Credit Card Info?: Sony Rebuilding Playstation Network After Attack

So tomorrow (April 27th) will mark one week since the Playstation Network was brought down after an attack on the system last Wednesday, April 20th. Sony reports the network will remain down indefinitely as they rebuild the system from scratch (and dent). In more important news: there's been no word if the hackers responsible managed to steal my avatar. Credit card info, please -- I know what they were after.

Sony forced to rebuild PlayStation Network after major hack attack [dvice]

Thanks to Mike, CUPCAKE_NINJA, beth, Pranda and Carlos, who don't need Playstation Networks because they have broadcast networks. What's your favorite? I LIKE PBS!

Apr 26 2011 It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's...A R/C Superhero?

This is an R/C plane that looks like a superhero so you can provide false hope in an emergency situation. THERE -- IN THE SKY -- THAT SUPERHERO WILL SAVE US! *crashes into powerlines, bursts into flames* CAPTAIN PLANET NOOOOOOOO!!

Flight characteristics: Great! This is due to the low weight to surface area and that it has a high wing like a Piper cub with a low center of gravity. In addition, he has plenty of vertical tail surfaces due to the double side bodies; which adds to the stability. He takes off by being thrown or by standing upright in a stand and lands on his belly skids.

Thrust: The RcSuperhero has about 6 pounds of thrust; this allows for vertical take off.

RcSuperhero Package Includes: laser-cut foam, substructure materials, control horns, a plywood motor mount, 2 sizes of rubber bands, carbon fiber fabric strands, two 4mm square arm spars and other various carbon fiber sizes, a picassa photo build album with captions, materials list, and e-support materials (directions and tech. info).

Plans will cost you $20, or a kit $300, significantly cheaper than a kid, which will cost you thousands IN DIAPERS ALONE. That's a lot of shit! Also, this whole Playstation Network being down thing. I THINK I JUST LEVEL-UPPED TO 12 (okay -- 9) BUT I WOULDN'T F***ING KNOW BECAUSE I CAN'T SIGN IN.

Hit the jump for a several videos of the superhero in action (with bonus streamers!)

Continue Reading " It's A Bird, It's A Plane, It's...A R/C Superhero? "

Apr 26 2011 Old Timey Star Trek And Star Wars Photos

This is a series of Photoshopped images from Rabbbittooth (not to be confused with Rabittoot, which are usually accompanied by a couple pellets) that superimposes a Star Trek character's face over an old timey body. That's pretty much it. There are some Star Wars ones after the jump as well, but those ones are mostly superimposing a different celebrity's face onto a Star Wars body (i.e. Christopher Walken as Han Solo, Marilyn Monroe as Leia in gold bikini)....So yeah, did everyone just click over so I don't have to write anymore? Okay coo.

Hit the jump for Star Trek, Star Wars, and one pic of Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones because f*** I'd ride that mustache.

Continue Reading " Old Timey Star Trek And Star Wars Photos "

Apr 25 2011 Portal Kombat Fatalities w/ Bonus Portals IRL!

This is the game cover for Portal Kombat, a game that only exists in 'a Youtube video of the fatalities' form (video after the jump). Still, it's better than nothing. It's also better than getting hit by a car in a grocery store parking lot, so you should really be thanking your lucky stars right now. Also after the jump: a worthwhile shot of a Portal captured in real life (and allegedly un-Photoshopped) by a fan of the franchise. So yeah, put that in your Portal gun and shoot & kill somebody with it. "Uh, you do know the Portal gun's not an actual projectile-firing weapon, right?" Huh? But they call it a gun. "You've never even seen the game, have you?" I HEARD IT'S LIKE FROGGER.

Hit the jump for the picture and video. Or -- OR -- shoot a hole through the webpage and portal your ass there.

Continue Reading " Portal Kombat Fatalities w/ Bonus Portals IRL! "

Apr 25 2011 Mac People Vs. PC People, The Infographic

Note: That tiny-ass picture looks like complete ass and is by no means the whole graphic, click HERE to see the whole thing, get your learn on, then fight in the comments like big babies.

This is an informational graphic comparing and contrasting self-proclaimed Mac and PC people. Me? I don't consider myself either. I like to sit on the fence if you know what I mean. I mean I like the feeling of a spiky fence post pressed precariously against my b-hole. Something about the thrill of danger. Like masturbating on a motorcycle, which I also do. "Your roommate's while it's parked in the garage?" HEY IT COULD TIP OVER. Those things are heavy and I have little chicken legs. I'm talking the ones they switch to on 25¢ wing night so it's not such a great deal anymore BUT STILL CHARGE YOU EXTRA FOR BLEU CHEESE AND CELERY. That's it, I'm taking a stand! I kid -- this fence post is feelin' way too good between my asscheeks.

Mac vs. PC: A Hunch Rematch [hunch]

Thanks to Amanda, who fancies herself more of a Commodore person. Dmn u olschoo gur.

Apr 25 2011 It Is Your Constitutional Right As A New Yorker To View Computer Pr0n At Public Libraries

Playground?! That's a bathtub if I've ever seen one!

Brought to light by the recent story of a woman who felt uncomfortable after discovering the old man next to her was watching a "threesome" (complete with speaker audio -- no headphones for this geezer!) at a computer terminal next to her at the library, the New York Public library system has reiterated their statement that watching naked people play snake-in-the-hole at library terminals is protected under the 1st Amendment. GOD BLESS AMEEEEEEERICA! Wait.

Library patron Daisy Nazario, 60, said she was grossed out when she discovered she was sitting next to an elderly porn watcher in the Brooklyn Central Library recently.

The looker was using library-provided extensions on the sides of his computer to block the view of his screen -- which was featuring a threesome at the time -- "but I could still hear the voices," a disgusted Nazario said.

"It is very disrespectful to the children."

Disrespectful -- or scarring for life? Because I'm 29 and I can say FOR A FACT that catching an old man watching 'Dentured Debutantes' or 'What's Cookin' In Gramma's Ass' at the library will completely and utterly destroy my entire world.

Pornography Is Protected Speech At New York Public Libraries [npr]
and
Feel free to watch internet porn at the library [uproxx]

Thanks to Erica and The Superficial Writer, who both agree porn is best watched with as few people around as possible buttered popcorn.

Apr 25 2011 Whee!: Details On HD Wii Dropping Next Year

Note: Actual console will probably NOT look like an old slide-projector.

So apparently Nintendo has opened up a bit (JUST LIKE I SAID THEY SHOULD) and released some info on the upcoming gaming console set to drop next year. Next year being 2012. 2012 being the year the world ends but not before I take out the biggest bank loan I can without fear of having to pay it back. *tapping side of head* Always thinkin'.

According to Nintendo's official press release, the new console will be shown in playable form at this year's E3 Expo in Los Angeles from June 7-9.

Previous rumors suggest "Project Café/Stream" (code-name/rumor name) will be more powerful than the PS3 and Xbox 360, output 1080p, possibly work with 3D, and be similar in size to the original Xbox.

Project Café/Stream will reportedly come with updated motion controllers with even more accurate tracking, a controller with a large 6-6.2-inch touchscreen with eight buttons and dual analog sticks, store games on a Blu-ray disc and cost anywhere between $350-400.

Holy cramps, it looks like somebody's trying to get back into the "non-casual" gamer market. Get it?! It's me! WIN THIS ROUND OR I'LL F***ING KILL YOU.

Nintendo breaks the silence, Wii HD launches in 2012 [dvice]

Thanks to Carmen, who agrees the Zelda after Skward Sword better be the hot shit with extra flies.

Apr 25 2011 Making The US Proud: Woman Motorizes Wheelchair By Holding On To Lawnmower

I don't actually know if that's a woman in the wheelchair or not, but I'm praying it's somebody in costume being candidly filmed for some Jackass-y stunt show. Because otherwise I don't know what to think. Yes, yes I do. RUN OVER YOUR TOES AND BLEED! I swear, some people. *fashions cane out of weed-wacker*

Hit the jump for a very short clip of the WTFery.

Continue Reading " Making The US Proud: Woman Motorizes Wheelchair By Holding On To Lawnmower "

Apr 25 2011 British Teens Unknowingly Try To Break Into Surveillance Van, Confronted By SAS Troops

Picture moderately related, Counter-Strike SAS troops.

A group of Manchester teens, on a crime spree of breaking into vans and stealing tools, tried the handle on the wrong van over the weekend and were confronted by a squad of armed SAS (Special Air Service) troops on a surveillance mission. Not gonna lie, I would've shot the kids.

A source said: "The lads each had a machine gun and a side pistol with live ammunition to make it realistic. They saw these scrotes coming for some time.

"They didn't want to move for fear of ruining the exercise and hoped the gang would pass them by.

"The lads decided they would teach them a lesson if they did get into their van, which is exactly what happened.

With the team's cover blown, the exercise was cancelled.

I hope we all learned a valuable lesson today. "Not to break into unmarked vans?" Yes -- because? "Because there might be a squad of highly-trained killers on the other side?" Correct, or -- OR -- a guy with a lollipop stuck to his genitals.
...
...
...Is that a cream soda Dum Dum?

Who dares...break into a van full of SAS soldiers? [thesun]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom, who agrees no unmarked van is a good unmarked van. Words to live by.

Apr 25 2011 Another Day, Another Video Game Wedding Proposal: Borderlands Featuring Claptrap

This is another video game themed wedding proposal video created by Gearbox Software for "Borderlands' two biggest fans" Ben and Tora. What makes them the biggest Borderlands fans is beyond me, but it better involve regrettable tattoos or I'm gonna be pissed. Also, claim the tittle for myself. Ha -- did I just say tittle? *pointing at self* Titties on the mind, guilty as charged.

Anyway, Claptrap here tries hitting on Tora for awhile before finally giving up and asking if she'll marry Ben. But not before mentioning herpes and doing anal. Wow, now that's just f***ing dreamy. Butt-sess and STD's in a marriage proposal? I guess dreams really do come true! (Last night I dreamed I pissed the bed)

Hit the jump for two videos, the actual proposal video, and a video of Tora watching it in a roomful of screamers.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Video Game Wedding Proposal: Borderlands Featuring Claptrap "

Apr 25 2011 Suck It, Spark Plugs: Pew Pew Laser Plugs

Spark plugs are used to ignite the gas and oxygen mixture in your vehicle's engine and are NOT to be confused with butt plugs, which are used to reignite the passion in your bedroom. Me? I tried once but just shit the sheets. So romantic. Enter laser plugs: way less intimidating than the f***ing parking cone I had to sit on. *shivers*

Not only would these lasers allow for better performance and fuel economy, but cars using them would also create less harmful emissions.

Engines would produce less NOx if (nitrous oxides, toxic) they burnt more air and less fuel, but they would require the plugs to produce higher-energy sparks in order to do so. While this is technically possible, the voltages involved would burn out the electrodes quite quickly. Laser igniters on the other hand, could ignite leaner mixtures without self-destructing because they don't have electrodes.

The NINS scientists also address another limitation of spark plugs - the fact that they only ignite the area of the air-fuel mixture closest to them (the top), with much of the heat of the explosion being absorbed by the metal cylinder walls before it can reach down to the piston.

Additionally, engine timing could be improved, as lasers can pulse within nanoseconds, while spark plugs require milliseconds.

See? Laser plugs -- the future of transportation. Just kidding, the future of transportation are hover-cars that run on brainpower. "Haha, why's mine not working?" Exactly.

Laser igniters could spell the end for the humble spark plug [gizmag]

Thanks to David E. and bradley, who still ignite gas the old fashioned way: bent over with a lighter to their sweatpants. Good times!

Apr 22 2011 Way To Start The Weekend: A Dancing Robot

This is a video of a creepy-as-f*** dancing robot. Except it doesn't really dance as much as it just stands there waving its arms around like it's trying to guide a plane into its terminal but having a seizure at the same time. It's fairly seductive. But no worries, I'm not about to take my clothes off (they already are) and throw myself at the thing. I mean, look at those eyes. My friends(!!!!11) would never let live down sleeping with something with eyes like that. Just sayin', one time I made out with this chick with a dick (way bigger than mine) and I'm STILL hearing about it. God, that was March guys -- give it a rest!

Hit the jump for a student explaining Dance-Bot but really just dying to cut in.

Continue Reading " Way To Start The Weekend: A Dancing Robot "

Apr 22 2011 Geek Love: Mario Themed Wedding Proposal

This is a video of a guy proposing to his Mario-loving girlfriend. He decked out his living room to resemble the Mushroom Kingdom, and even had her knock the engagement ring "out" of a question block with her head. Good lookin', guys -- you've just given hope to thousands of lady-less male readers that, some day, even they might find a gamer girl who loves them. Granted she's probably not gonna be pretty, but still. They have unrealistic expectations anyways because they watch waaaaaay too much porno. NO GIRL IS GONNA LET YOU DO THAT TO HER. Not one worth bringing home to your mom anyways. I kid, I kid -- the kinkier the better. Me? I'm into toothfairy cosplay. "What's toothfairy cosplay?" Getting drunk enough to let my girlfriend chip one of my teeth out and leave a single in my ass. "Aaaah, where I come from we call that the 'dirty dental technician'. WHERE THE F*** ARE YOU FROM BECAUSE I WAS JOKING.

Hit the jump for the video. Bonus fireworks after she says yes!

Continue Reading " Geek Love: Mario Themed Wedding Proposal "

Apr 22 2011 Sandwich Bags, Now With More Printed Bugs

Lunch Bugs are sandwich bags with bugs printed on them to help deter lunch theft. They're basically a variation of the already-existing mold-bags and will run you $7 for a 24-pack. That makes them almost $0.30 apiece, which is a little steep for a bag (I pay $0.99 for snack pack Doritos and get a meal AND condom out of the deal). Still, maybe lunch theft is serious problem at your work. Don't get me wrong, it is at mine too, I've just learned to deal with it. GW uses 'announce he put boogers in his sandwich'. It's super effective!

Product Site

Thanks to Leftover, who just hides sandwiches in the middle of a big tub of salad. Smart.

Apr 22 2011 Dual-Flavor Slurpee Cups With Valved Straw

Because variety is the spice of life (sometimes I have a hotdog AND cheeseburger for lunch), 7-11 is launching a dual-chambered Slurpee cup in June so you can suck two flavors at once. But that's not all! There will also be straws available with a valve inside so you have the option to drink from only one side, the other, or mix the two in your own personal Blue Raspberry to Coke ratio. Holy shit! Couple that with a 7-11 Big Bite and a couple taquitos and this chubby bubby is one happy puppy! I don't f*** with their hot wings though, they give me diarrhea. And not the good, cathartic kind either -- the bad kind that doesn't even have the decency to wait until you get home. I've shat in two friends' cars -- it's true! (I'll try anything twice)

Combo Slurpee Offers Latest in Slurpee Technology [technabob]

Thanks to martin78, who watched as a little fat kid took five-minutes to tap down a Slurpee to get the most in the cup while he patiently waited his turn, only to see chubs drop the damn thing on the sidewalk right after leaving. OH SWEET VINDICATION!

Apr 22 2011 The Latest In Night Vision Goggle Technology

Seen here looking suspiciously like a robotic head-crab trying to eat a blind marshmallow, a blind marshmallow shows off the latest in tactical night vision eyewear -- a system capable of producing an 80-degree field-of-view. That's more than double current systems and almost a quarter of a circle. 280 more degrees and I'll be able to see your own green ass. Which, uh-oh -- I'm trailin' TP.
...
...
...YOU WERE GONNA LET ME GO OUT LIKE THIS?!

Night vision is not worth looking like this [dvice]

Thanks to my buddy Jeff, who can actually see in the dark because his mom is a fox. Haha, I said it -- your mom is hot, bro!

Apr 22 2011 Man Tries Robbing Convenience Store With Playstation Controller, Unsurprisingly Fails

Picture sadly unrelated: it was a regular-ass controller.

A Florida man was arrested after attempting to rob a convenience store by pretending the Playstation controller in his pocket was a gun. *facepalm* You didn't even have the wherewithal to use A NES Zapper?!

He was arrested by a police officer who walked into the store in the middle of the robbery, police said.

Pittman was suspected in an earlier robbery at a Subway restaurant. Police received a tip that Pittman might have been at the store, and so when the officer went inside, he caught Pittman in the middle of the act, police said.

Police said Pittman dropped the remote and gave up.

He is facing charges of strong-arm robbery and violation of probation.

First of all, who the f*** robs a Subway? Secondly, who the f*** robs anything with a Playstation controller? There are at least two-hundred other things in my apartment I'd use as a surrogate firearm before grabbing my Playstation controller (Wiimote included). And not just because I'd be shit out of luck at Mass Effect 2 if something happens to it while I was out, but I'm gonna see some alien titties if its the last thing I do. Fine -- third to last thing I do (pop boner, have heart attack).

Police: Man tried to rob store with game remote [baynews9]

Thanks to Bradley B, who once tried robbing a convenience store with telepathy but it worked so poorly he ended up paying for his chips & drink and leaving.

Apr 22 2011 Spirals: The Future Of Pen Technology

Kidding, I'm pretty sure the future of pen technology is writing with lasers. Could you imagine signing your name with a laser-pen? I can, and not just because I've practiced with my penis in the snow, but I have and I can do it in block letters AND cursive. So yeah, spiraling the ink chamber in ballpoint pens to fit twice the ink. It's magic. Just not the kind you want to see at a friend's birthday party. YOU SUCK MR. MAGICIAN -- CUT A MILF IN HALF ALREADY!

The concept design makes much the refill's reduced environmental impact, claiming that you'll create less plastic waste as you'll be tossing away fewer pens. But what about the refill itself? The normal, skinny refills can be packed close together into shipping boxes, whereas the spiral will take up a lot more space. Still, it's worth it, if only because most people throw away pens when they're empty.

Damn, why didn't I think of that. Oh right, I DID. *suing* I thought pens were biodegradable anyways. I've been planting them like they are. I jest, I know they're not actually biodegradable. They are degradable though. AREN'T YOU, YOU STUPID PEN?! I SWEAR, YOU ARE SO DUMB! *holding in urine stream*

Spiral Makes a Difference [yankodesign]
via
Spiral-Shaped Ballpen Refill Packs Double the Ink [wired]

Thanks to Jodie, who writes the old fashioned way: with a chisel and two stone tablets. Biblical!

Apr 22 2011 Marvel Parodies Lil Darth Vader Volkswagen Commercial For Upcoming Thor Movie

Nice Stark mug.

Remember Volkswagen's Superbowl commercial featuring the lil Vader who couldn't harness The Force that captivated audiences and stole our hearts? Well this is a Marvel parody advertising the new Thor movie that, from what I've seen so far, may or may yes suck Zeus' proverbial lightning rod. I'm talking about his wiener, folks. It shoots lighting and can turn a lover into a tropical storm. I grabbed it once over the dividing wall of two urinals and turned into a low-pressure system. True story.

Hit the jump for the lil Thor in action.

Continue Reading " Marvel Parodies Lil Darth Vader Volkswagen Commercial For Upcoming Thor Movie "

Apr 21 2011 Clever, Veeeery Clever: Hidden Garage Door

This is a short video of a house in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood (of hey man, got any acid? fame) in San Francisco with a secret garage door that opens out of a couple seemingly boring windows, making it that much easier to accidentally park your car in a neighbor's basement.

This apartment building in the Haight-Ashbury neighborhood of San Francisco has recently been remodeled to include four precious car parking spaces while maintaining the historical Victorian facade.

Damn, that's one hell of an improvement FOR AN APARTMENT BUILDING. I've been waiting seven months for the landlord to replace the exhaust fan in my bathroom. You know how embarrassing it is knowing your friends can hear you busting ass when you're on the can? No seriously, I'm asking -- I've never had friends over. I tried inviting a pizza delivery guy in one time but he was all "no homo" and I was all "DOUBLE SAUSAGE!"

Hit the jump and be impressed. Obviously still needs a touch up though.

Continue Reading " Clever, Veeeery Clever: Hidden Garage Door "

Apr 21 2011 I Would 100% Wear That: Officially Licensed Luke Skywalker And Medal Of Yavin Jacket

This is an officially licensed Luke Skywalker jacket just like the one he wore when collecting his Medal of Yavin (the most distinguished medal of the Alliance) at the end of A New Hope after blowing up the Death Star and saving the galaxy or whatever. It looks mad fresh. And for $132 (regularly $275!!) it damn well better be. I can get eight whole outfits from the thrift store for that. *whispering* Yes, plus scabies. You know what they say -- what doesn't kill you makes you itchy as a witch's snatch. Which, no lie -- it actually feels like there's worms crawls under my skin. Almost like those Ceti Eels from 'The Wrath of Khan'. Oh shit, referencing Star Trek in a post about Star Wars -- somebody spank me! HAHA -- superglue.

Amazon Product Site (let's all get one and meet up somewhere!)

Thanks to jediGK, who already has ten Medals of Yavin for bravery in the face of danger and like three for eating contests.

Apr 21 2011 CANNOT BE UNSEEN: Bert, Un-Muppeted

Bert, one-half of everyone's favorite homosexual Muppet couple (sorry, crotchety old bickering guys!) is seen here in a little too life-like silicon sculpture by artist and Effects Studio member Nacho (you're useless without cheese!). As you can see, he has a face that would send children running straight into traffic (and not zig-zagging like you're supposed to). Damn, somebody's gonna have nightmares tonight. And it's gonna be you. Get it? Because I'm gonna call right before bed and be all creepy!

You: Hello?
Me: I know where you are.
You: Is that you, GW?
Me: Uh, no, this is like a really scary serial killer. *tee-hee-hee*
You: I just heard you laugh.
Me: Oh that? That was a victim's last breath. *BRAP*
You: "And that?"
Me: That was a really squirty fart -- I had human-chili for dinner. God, you should f***ing smell this thing -- I wouldn't even need a knife.

Hit the jump for more terrifying than you can shake a stick at (GO FOR THE EYES!).

Continue Reading " CANNOT BE UNSEEN: Bert, Un-Muppeted "

Apr 21 2011 The Roller Coaster Of Love Euthenasia: A Coaster Designed To Kill All Passengers

This is a conceptual roller coaster designed by Royal College of Art doctoral student Julijonas Urbonas to kill all the riders as fun and ethically as possible. WHEEEEEEEEE!! *eyes roll back in head*

"Euthanasia Coaster" is a hypothetic euthanasia machine in the form of a roller coaster, engineered to humanely -- with elegance and euphoria -- take the life of a human being. Riding the coaster's track, the rider is subjected to a series of intensive motion elements that induce various unique experiences: from euphoria to thrill, and from tunnel vision to loss of consciousness, and, eventually, death. Thanks to the marriage of the advanced cross-disciplinary research in space medicine, mechanical engineering, material technologies and, of course, gravity, the fatal journey is made pleasing, elegant and meaningful.

Meaningful? How is dying on a roller coaster meaningful? Dying saving kittens from a burning building, now that's meaningful (plus will get you mad play in heaven). Dying trying to jump a previously un-jumped number of buses on a burning bicycle, that's meaningful. Dying on a roller coaster? That's not meaningful, that's not pulling your lap bar down far enough (my brother and I both slid out of The Beast at King's Island and got free season passes!).

The Euthanasia Coaster is designed to be fun, briefly [dvice]

Thanks to Dan, who refuses to ride any coaster that doesn't stand a chance of killing him. That's, uh, that's all of them.

Apr 21 2011 The Fat Map Of America From 1985 To 2009

Note: Worthwhile video of the progression from year to year after the jump.

This is a video of the progression of obesity in the US per data gathered from the Center of Disease Control from 1986 to 2009. Granted it takes a few years in the beginning to get data collected for all the states, but once they do, oh boy -- they have to keep introducing new colors to keep up with all the fat! Personally, I blame fast food and microwavable meals. Plus my jeans. "You mean genes?" No, my actual skinny jeans -- I've got a muffin top and it's depressing the shit out of me. I've even got cheesecake crumbs in my bellybutton. Plus lint. And the worst part? I know I'm going to eat it later. F*** I need a tub of ice cream.

Hit the jump for the size 20 sadness.

Continue Reading " The Fat Map Of America From 1985 To 2009 "

Apr 21 2011 Get Off The Mound, Johnny Five!: Robot Throws First Pitch At Phillies Game, Sucks

YES I GAVE HIM AN @$$HOLE!

Seen here failing to even get the ball to Cookie Monster's retarded older brother (WHO'S WELL IN FRONT OF THE PLATE), a robot throws the first pitch at last night's Phillies game against the Brewers. But wait, there's an excuse for the fail (isn't there always? SHUT UP AND ADMIT YOU SUCK, GOD):

This robot, designed by the University of Pennsylvania, gives the first pitch at a Phillies game, pitching to the Phillie Phanatic. Unfortunately, the Phillie Phanatic apparently broke its wrist catching a pitch last year. This time, at the last minute, the robot's engineers were told to turn the pitching arm's power down, so as not to hurt the Phanatic again. If you look closely, you can see the Phanatic point at its wrist after catching the ball. This robot has the potential to throw a ball at very high speeds, if the settings were set to allow for it.

First of all, the Phillies Phanatic has got to be one of the most ridiculous looking mascots in the entire history of mascots (Cubbies FTW!) and deserves to have a lot more than just his wrist broken -- WHICH I HEARD HE ACTUALLY BROKE MASTURBATING TO BIG BIRD. You want you kids taking pictures with a mascot like that? Just sayin', Sesame Street is like porno to him.

Hit the jump for the 'I would've just subbed in an actual pitching machine or tennis-ball launcher'.

Continue Reading " Get Off The Mound, Johnny Five!: Robot Throws First Pitch At Phillies Game, Sucks "

Apr 21 2011 Amazon Recommends: Customers Who Bought A Miley Cyrus Love Doll Also Bought...

Note: Full-size version HERE. I did Photoshop the image to include all the interesting products on one page, but I didn't add any that weren't actually there.

So basically people that bought a Miley Cyrus love doll are exactly like you. Pfft, the Dragon Age strategy guide -- you ought to be ashamed. I forgive you though. Sooooooo -- wanna come over and watch Nightmare on Elm Street? Kidding, kidding -- you stay in your porn dungeon, freak. I can't have you coming over and touching things. Huh? NO ESPECIALLY NOT YOURSELF!

Amazon Product Site (probably NSFW on account of some of the other product suggestions AND THE FACT THAT ITS A SEX DOLL)

Thanks to Nathan, who tried to come up with some half-ass explanation about how he discovered this in the first place. *eyeroll*

Apr 21 2011 2-D Glasses For People Who Don't Like 3-D

"You gotta be careful -- too many D's and you wind up with a sausage party." -- GW

Allegedly 10% of people get headaches watching 3-D movies, and another 30% think 3-D is some sucky-ass bullshit and actually prefer their movies 2-D. Enter 2-D glasses, a pair of $7 spectacles with the same polarization lens in each lens, so you can watch RealD 3-D movies in 2-D. You hear that, James Cameron? I'll be watching Avatar Two-D! Sike, I'm actually gonna skip that one altogether.

Hit the jump for a video of the glasses' inventor being waaaaaaaay too f***ing energetic.

Continue Reading " 2-D Glasses For People Who Don't Like 3-D "

Apr 20 2011 "I Swear I Wasn't At The Stripclub" Related Stabbings On Rise: iPhone Tracks, Records Everywhere You Go, Data Is Accessible

Your iPhone constantly tracks everywhere you go and records the data on the phone (OUTSIDE AND IN ADDITION TO THE 'ALLOW TO USE MY LOCATION' GPS DATA), transferring it to your computer (and transmitting it to Apple) upon sync. It doesn't actually let you know its doing it, but your jealous girlfriend will -- with a knife while you sleep. Nighty night boob-oogler.

The location info is easy to access, both on your phone (or iPad) or on any computer that you've synced it to. The location info appears to rely on tower triangulation rather than GPS data, meaning it locates you even if you have location services switched off.

The most immediate problem is that this data is stored in an easily-readable form on your machine. Any other program you run or user with access to your machine can look through it.

The more fundamental problem is that Apple are collecting this information at all. Cell-phone providers collect similar data almost inevitably as part of their operations, but it's kept behind their firewall. It normally requires a court order to gain access to it, whereas this is available to anyone who can get their hands on your phone or computer.

Uh-oh. You can go HERE to download the software to access your phone's data and create a map if you're so inclined, but I encourage you to smash your iPhone, delete iTunes, and get a GoPhone just to be on the safe side. Also, try to make as many of your calls from pay phones as possible. I happen to know of one just a couple blocks from my house that still has a phone book. I doodle penises in it while I make my calls. "Short and fat or long and skinny ones?" I'm glad you asked. NOT! F***ing weirdo.

Your iPhone is secretly tracking your every move [dvice]

Thanks to kitty, Esteban, Jared, Cliff Clipper and Pharris, who don't care if anybody accesses their iPhone location data because they only rock pagers. WHAT ARE YOU, DRUG DEALERS?! Happy 4/20.

Apr 20 2011 Pocket Chair: The Travel-Size Folding Chair That Fits In A (Giant-Ass Cargo) Pocket

Seen here blowing a load he's so f***ing happy about his purchase, Pocket Chair owner Steve P. shows off his choice of travel butt-rest. The ground? Please, that shit's for peasants! The Pocket Chair is a real $15 product that can allegedly support 250lbs before disappearing up a person's ass. There's a 2:00 infomercial after the jump in case you're still not sure if it's perfect for tailgating or the beach (SPOILER: it is!)

Hit the jump to wonder WTF a 'dual-action counter-rotational support system' is.

Continue Reading " Pocket Chair: The Travel-Size Folding Chair That Fits In A (Giant-Ass Cargo) Pocket "

Apr 20 2011 WTF Was That?: A Mortal Kombat Love Song

This is a Mortal Kombat themed love song entitled 'FATALITY'. And it was too -- on my ears! Thank you, thank you, you've all been a great crowd -- don't forget to try the veal (I poisoned the shit out of it) and tip your bartender (I plan on robbing him at gunpoint later on the way to his car). As you can see, I included a screencap of a female so all you perverts would watch the video, despite it being not that good. Still, you can't argue it's not at least better than a Mortal Kombat themed love song about 'animalities'. "I'll be the judge of that." Old MacDonald?! I thought you were in the clink for exposing yourself at a petting zoo!

Hit the jump for the 'man, I could have done way better. And I'm not just saying that cause I'm high either'.

Continue Reading " WTF Was That?: A Mortal Kombat Love Song "

Apr 20 2011 Who Stole My Seat?: The Invisible Chair

The invisible chair isn't actually invisible, you can still see the metal armature and, more than likely, the polyurethane film that you actually sit on. Still, I would get one and put a potted cactus underneath it for shock value. Then, after my friends (LOL!) have come over enough and gotten familiar with it, I'll replace the film with cling-wrap and watch somebody take an anus-full of spines. Which, if it goes anything like the 'super-glued toilet seat prank', will probably be me (I get drunk and forgetful and only pee sitting down).

Transparent Chair Is Probably Easy To Clean [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Tori, who won't sit on anything without testing it with her hand first after throwing herself on a beanbag chair that turned out to be a giant beachball with nails inside.

Apr 20 2011 Skynet Went Live, Judgement Day Tomorrow

According to the Terminator franchise, specifically The Sarah Conner Chronicles (which I see no reason not to believe), Skynet went live last night, April 19th, 2011, at 8:11 PM, and Judgement Day will proceed tomorrow (April 21st). Wow, what an awesome 4/20 this turned out to be. It's been nice knowing you, folks. Actually, you know what -- f*** it, the world's ending tomorrow anyways -- I HATE YOU ALL.

Hit the jump for a video sneak-peek of the end of the world tomorrow.

Continue Reading " Skynet Went Live, Judgement Day Tomorrow "

Apr 20 2011 Uh-Oh: Robots Now Administering Anesthesia

Just kidding, robots have actually been administering anesthesia since 2008, this one just stuffs the breathing tube down your throat instead of a doctor doing it by hand. Look at the picture -- you'd think censoring just the guy's eyes would be enough, right? WRONG. They had to censor the whole face because he's crying blood. True story. Okay so maybe I was sensationalizing, but only to make a point. That point being fear-mongering. GAH THEY'RE GOING TO KILL US ALL.

Pretty much any time a patient is placed under a general anesthetic, a plastic endotracheal tube is inserted down their throat, in order to keep their airway open. The procedure is known as intubation, and has so far always been performed by hand.

The robotic system is called the Kepler Intubation System (KIS), and was developed by McGill Professor of Anesthesia Dr. Thomas M. Hemmerling and his team.

After a period of practicing on medical simulation mannequins, field testing of KIS on human patients has now begun.

"We think that The Kepler Intubation System can assist the anesthesiologist's arms and hands to perform manual tasks with less force, higher precision and safety," said Hemmerling. "One day, it might actually be the standard practice of airway management."

Raise your hand if you're cool with a robot stuffing a tube down your throat. Okay, now what about a sock? Fun fact: robots can't tell the difference. Have fun getting smothered, morons!

World's first intubation robot tested on human subjects [gizmag]

Thanks to Yannick, who'd rather stuff a length of copper pipe down his throat himself than have a robot touch him with a McDonalds straw.

Apr 20 2011 Boner Beer Actually Brewed With Viagra

To commemorate the royal wedding between Prince Humperdink and Buttercup, BrewDog is releasing a limited edition pale ale brewed with aphrodiacs/boner stimulators Viagra, chocolate, tiger peen and horny goat weed. Geez, I thought regular beer worked good enough. Allegedly three bottles is the equivalent of popping a single blue boner pill, which is hard to justify at £10.00 (~$16) a pop. You'd probably be better off just ordering from one of the emails flooding my inbox. Still, maybe you're bad at taking pills. Me? I'm bad at taking the trash out, which is why I just saw a rat run through the kitchen. ANYTHING BUT THE CEREAL, TEMPLETON! "Damn GW -- two Charlotte's Web references in two days?" Ha -- I'm learning to read, yo! Next up: The Little Prince.

Official Site

Thanks to Dave and BellaCroix, who don't need boner beer because they drink Love Potion #69 (which is real and works).

Apr 20 2011 High Eye Candy: The Milky Way From El Teide

'The Mountain' is a short time-lapse video of the Milky Way (NOT the Lemonade Way) from Terje Sorgjerd taken from various locations around El Teide in Spain's Canary Islands. El Teide is an active volcano and Spain's tallest mountain (3,718 m, 12,198 ft). It's considered one of the best star-gazing vistas on the planet, rivaled only by my bedroom window. Well -- what do you you say? We'll have to keep the door open but my mom will bring us hot chocolate!

The goal was to capture the beautiful Milky Way galaxy along with one of the most amazing mountains I know El Teide. I have to say this was one of the most exhausting trips I have done. There was a lot of hiking at high altitudes and probably less than 10 hours of sleep in total for the whole week. Having been here 10-11 times before I had a long list of must-see locations I wanted to capture for this movie, but I am still not 100% used to carrying around so much gear required for time-lapse movies.

You really just need to watch the video. Whether you're high or not you'll appreciate it. Even the music is beautiful. I'm not gonna lie, I actually teared up a bit. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT. But only because I'm on my period and really emotional right now. Whew -- manly-ass save, GW.

Hit the jump, you won't be disappointed. Promise.

Continue Reading " High Eye Candy: The Milky Way From El Teide "

Apr 19 2011 New Aerodynamic Rail Gun Projectile Blows Through Steel Plate, Continues For 4-Miles

Seen here looking suspiciously like my favorite buttplug *checking sock drawer* whew, a General Atomics employee showcases the latest aerodynamic projectile to be shot by their 'Blitzer' railgun. And speaking of Blitzers -- get me one with the ground up Heath bar and Oreos on your way over. "Dammit GW -- Blitzer, NOT Blizzard". SONOFA! Well at least pick up some fro-yo.

GA's got a new, super aerodynamic dart for it that can travel four miles downrange after being fired at zero elevation and blowing through a 1/8" steel plate.

In previous tests, the railgun had been using rounds shaped kinda like bricks. And ultimately, the rounds behaved like bricks too, tumbling out of control at Mach 6. The new round from Boeing is streamlined and mean looking, and if it can make it seven kilometers when fired at zero elevation, it's easy to imagine a 150 mile range in operation.

Shooting projectiles shaped like bricks -- WTF?! That sounds like the worst idea ever. Unless you're trying to build a house from like five miles away, in which case it doesn't sound like the worst idea, it just sounds like you hired the world's laziest contractor. What the...THERE'S A FIREPLACE WHERE THE DOOR'S SUPPOSED TO BE!

Hit the jump for a video demonstration of the 1-mile per second projectile.

Continue Reading " New Aerodynamic Rail Gun Projectile Blows Through Steel Plate, Continues For 4-Miles "

Apr 19 2011 Crashed UFO, Dead Alien Found In Russia

This is allegedly a video of a crashed UFO and dead alien from somewhere in Russia. "Why would an alien want to visit Russia?" Exactly. You should really consider a career in unsolved mysteries. "Really?!" F*** no, you're way too good at what you do now. "Pretending to work?" Yes -- look at you with your fake Excel spreadsheet open and everything! Anyway, I assume this is an attempt to send a lot of traffic to the conspiracy theory website they keep hocking the entire video. That or it's some viral turd for 'Men In Black 3'. Either way, that's not a real alien. Not a species I've ever seen before, and I've had all kinda space pervs digging around in my ass. One species even looks like the delivery guy from my taco place! "That was the delivery guy from your favorite taco place." You sure? Granted I was drunk but he was speaking some sort sort of jibberish. "That was Spanish." Me gusta mucho.

Hit the jump to get your conspiracy theory on.

Continue Reading " Crashed UFO, Dead Alien Found In Russia "

Apr 19 2011 For The Ladies (But Actually For The Mens): Sessy Superhero Character Pajamas

Spencer's Gifts, a company best known for selling me over $30 worth of novelty condoms when I was 13 in a bid to impress my friends in middle school, is now hocking these sexy superhero pajamas for the ladies. Each set (which includes a top and some sort of futuristic anti camel-toe bottom) costs $25 and come in She-Hulk, Spider-Girl, Black Widow, Captain (Miss) America and Emma Frost. "What, no Batman?" Haha -- I knew it! "BATGIRL, I MEANT BATGIRL!" Too late, now you have to touch my privates!

Hit the jump for the other four and a link to Spencer's, which, honestly, I didn't know made it into the 2000's (Hot Topic FTW!).

Continue Reading " For The Ladies (But Actually For The Mens): Sessy Superhero Character Pajamas "

Apr 19 2011 Umbrella Mistaken For Gun, Mall Evacuated

Note: Umbrella in question was a samurai umbrella, but you can get an actual rifle umbrella HERE in case you want the cops called for good reason.

Because most people (basically everyone besides us) are halfwit shit-for-brains that live their lives in constant fear because they watch the local news, some woman (it doesn't actually say it was a woman but you and I both know it was) called the police and reported a gunman at the Burlington Mall in Massachusetts after spotting a man with a samurai umbrella attached to his backpack AND CONVINCING HERSELF IT WAS A RIFLE. She didn't even bother tackling the guy, proving not only is she a spaz, but also a coward. IT WASN'T EVEN A GUNBRELLA, GOD!

Police received a call from inside the mall saying that a man was seen shortly after 10 a.m. with a rifle inside the Nordstrom's department store at the Burlington Mall.

The "gun" was believed to be attached to the man's backpack.

State and local police searched the mall and evacuated customers and store workers.

The man in question, who heard the news of what was happening, called State Police from Lahey Clinic where he reportedly is an employee. The man told police he thought he was the person that was seen in the mall.

After interviewing the man and reviewing security tapes, police determined the man was in fact not carrying a gun, but an umbrella.

No word if they charged the caller with disturbing the peace and 'being an idiot-moron', but I sure hope so. Next time how about you ask somebody else's opinion before calling the police?

"Psst, sir -- over here, in the coat rack. Give to to me straight -- is that man over there by the perfume counter carrying a gun?"
"That's a hotdog."
"Soooooooooo -- call the police or no?"

Burlington Mall evacuated after umbrella mistaken for gun [myfoxboston]
and
Burlington Police Detail Events of Man With Umbrella Mistaken for Gunman at Burlington Mall [burlingtonpatch]

Thanks to Doug, who mistook a McDonalds 20-piece for a bomb once. Okay well that I can see.

Apr 19 2011 Doing It Wrong: Arcade Punching Game Fail

Seen here proving he's clearly lacking the eye of the tiger (or even the whiskers of a kitten), a guy punches an arcade punching bag so poorly Rocky just winced and shat a boxing glove. The video's only 46-seconds long, but you have to watch it to the end for the full fail effect. You know, it's really reasons like this that the internet was invented. This, porn, and stalking. That said, they used to have one of these machines at my local watering hole and I would get wasted and f***ing destroy it. Literally, one time I punched the bag so hard it came off. Then I wandered into the men's room looking for an empty stall to puke in and found a glory hole. "Uh, GW? Are you sure the hole wasn't at the bottom of a commode and you were trying to flush your wiener?" No, no I'm not. It did feel better when I pushed this little lever...

Hit the jump for 46-seconds of sadness.

Continue Reading " Doing It Wrong: Arcade Punching Game Fail "

Apr 19 2011 Drinkin' & Drivin': The Octane 120 Beer Arcade

Note: Full-res shot of the system HERE in case objects in the rearview mirror really are closer than they appear or something.

The Octane 120 Pro Beer Arcade From Dream Arcades is a home machine designed for driving simulators that includes a built-in kegerator and two taps, one in the trunk and one in the dash. The one in the dash sits above a cupholder too SO YOU CAN POUR BETWEEN TURNS. Hey, I'm not here to judge, I'm here to drink off your keg for free. We should order a pizza.

Other features include leather wrapping on the fully adjustable, force-feedback steering wheel and on the seat, metal gas, clutch, and brake pedals, a Full HD projector up front, an integrated gaming PC with 200 racing and arcade video games and PS3 connectivity for good measure

Damn, with the kegerator, "high end gaming PC" and HD projector you can almost justify the $5,995 pricetag. But what you can't justify is drinking and driving in real life, so don't do it folks. I don't care if you think you're the world's best driver, the woman behind you that's texting isn't. Try explaining that one to the cops.

Dream Arcades Product Site
via
Octane 120 Beer Arcade Machine [punjapit]

Thanks to Romeo, who agrees you don't need a fancy driving simulator just as long as you've got an imagination and a cardboard box big enough to sit in.

Apr 19 2011 Erasing CD's With High Current Electricity

This is a guy erasing CD's by stripping the reflective aluminum layer off with high current electricity. It's officially my new favorite way to destroy sensitive material on disc. Definitely beats bending them until they shatter! Using them as clay plastic pigeons for shotgun practice isn't bad but you have to be a good shot. I'm not, which is why I saw several undamaged discs roll down the hill, where a squirrel was gathering them and stashing them in a rotting log. Which -- if those pictures of my privates wind up online I know who to blame! Probably somebody who spotted my singles ad. What?! I'm direct! But not picky. Wanted: somebody not disgusted with what they just saw.

Hit the jump for two 1-minute videos of the data-stripping in action. YOW YOW, TAKE IT OFF 0101011100101!!

Continue Reading " Erasing CD's With High Current Electricity "

Apr 19 2011 I'd Hit It: Peacock Spider's Mating Dance

WARNING: SPIDERS.

Seen here looking like something straight out of a sci-fi video game boss battle, a peacock spider struts that azz for a female with the hopes of makin' sweet, eight-legged love to her booty back body segment. Allegedly this is the first time the mating ritual of the peacock spider has ever been caught on film, which is surprising considered the renewed interest in the Spiderman franchise. The video's kind of long though, so you may want to skip to after the 2:45 mark for the real fun to begin. It's pretty steamy to say the least. I got aroused to say a little more. I just stuck my penis in a cobweb with the hopes of attracting a mate to say too much. Oh -- here comes Charlotte now!
...
...
...Aaaaaaaand I got rejected for a moth. WHAT WAS IT, THE SMELL? Dammit, I demand a web-written answer by morning. *frying bacon* Smell that? Wilbur, bitch.

Hit the jump for over 6-minutes of Spiderman fetish film.

Continue Reading " I'd Hit It: Peacock Spider's Mating Dance "

Apr 18 2011 Finally: An iPhone Case With Condom Holder

The JustinCase (I see what you did there, I'm JustinOtsure how I feel about it) is an iPhone case with a special slide compartment made for a single, ultra-thin condom. Because if there's one thing an Apple fanboy needs, it's a single, ultra-thin condom. HIYO, skinny wieners joke! "But I thought you had an iPhone." Yeah I do, but I'm not a fanboy. Got an ultra-thick johnson over here. Wider than it is long -- like a tuna can. Actually, exactly like a tuna can. Plus dolphin friendly. Isn't that right, Kraken? *meow* UGH -- WAY TO BLOW UP MY SPOT! This is about that time I accidentally crushed you and the balls under the toilet seat, isn't it? I said I was sorry! Well, technically it was "F*** F*** F*** HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT OMG I'M GONNA PASS OUT," but still.

iPhone Case Fight for Safe Sex [yankodesign]
via
Condom holding iPhone case; because even phone sex should be safe [dvice]

Thanks to tank, who just blows up or rolls over anything in his way. Well that's certainly one way to do it (I usually just honk and wave my fist).

Apr 18 2011 Uh-Oh: Lab-Grown Human Skin Now Being Produced In German Robot-Controlled Factory

Just writing the title made me pee a little lot.

Seen here looking like something I'd think twice before putting in my mouth (but ultimately still would, even if it came off the floor), a "biological vascularized scaffold" upon which human skin can be grown is displayed. *puking chili* Damn, a picture of a scarred arm would have worked too you know!

The factory can produce 5,000 penny-sized discs of whitish translucent tissue every month. The designers say it can also come in shades of brown. Each disc will cost about $72, a bit more than expected when the project was in its planning stages two years ago.

Robots and computers control the skin-making process, which takes place in a sterile, climate-controlled setting. The skin broth is closely monitored for any signs of infection and computers guide the lasers and blades that cut swatches of skin. The goal is to pave the way for factory-produced human tissue, complete with blood vessels, that could be used to treat injuries or various medical conditions.

For now, the tissue is being used in animal testing and could even be used for products like cosmetics, but it is still a long way from being transplanted.

Of course it's still a long way from being transplanted, there are all kinds of rules and regulations about that shit. But who cares -- what I wanna know is what it tastes like. "YOU'RE F***ING SICK, GW!" Am I, or am I a bon vivant? *picks and eats scab*

Now In Production: Human Skin Grown In a Robot-Controlled German Skin Factory [popsci]

Thanks to joe and jdivo, who could each have two full-size bowling ball bags made out of their ballsacks if they wanted but they don't want BECAUSE THEY VALUE THEIR NUTS. Mmmm, love me some pistachios.

Apr 18 2011 Mini Crossbow, Mega Funbow: Homemade Pint-Sized Crossbow Packs A Punch

It doesn't actually pack punches -- it packs little crossbow bolts. It may still pack lunches though, or it may steal other peoples' out of the fridge in the breakroom. I know I'm not about to confront a little crossbow about a missing 6" tuna-melt! The very impressive firearm was made by the same guy who made this mini-cannon, and is fabricated from silver, gold and stainless steel. It shoots needle-point darts (capable of popping balloons), blunt-tipped darts (capable of breaking dinner plates) and flaming-firework darts (capable of setting a paper target on fire), all of which he demonstrates in the video after the jump. Unfortunately, he didn't shoot himself in the leg, which is how a real man demonstrates a new weapon. "You just shot yourself with a homemade ninja-star slingshot, didn't you, GW?" Haha, no -- WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR, SOME KIND OF CLUMSY call an amberlamps.

Hit the jump for two-minutes of impressive mini-pews.

Continue Reading " Mini Crossbow, Mega Funbow: Homemade Pint-Sized Crossbow Packs A Punch "

Apr 18 2011 It's No TARDIS: A Dr. Who Themed Casket

Knock knock.
Who' there?
Doctor.
Doctor Who?
HOW THE F*** DID YOU KNOW -- I WAS THROWING MY VOICE!

This is a Doctor Who themed dead body receptacle from custom casket creator Creative Coffins. Because if there's one thin that matters to a dead person, it's a cool looking coffin (plus not being groped by the undertaker). No word on how much they cost, but who cares -- your family's footing the bill anyways! Personally, I don't even want to be buried, I want to have my body propped up on the porch to scare neighborhood children live forever. But I will settle for having my body shot out of a cannon at the end of a rock concert.

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more custom coffin options, including a bottle of booze, a dead knight who may have cosplayed as Uncle Fester and a circuit board (WTF?).

Continue Reading " It's No TARDIS: A Dr. Who Themed Casket "

Apr 18 2011 That...Doesn't Look Street Legal: The Most #$%&ed Up SUV That's Still Driveable

Train > truck, just sayin'.

Seen here looking like it could use a couple dents sucked out, this is a video of a Chinese SUV driving in Russia. Not sure if it's a concept vehicle or what, but you've got to admit it does look pretty futuristic. Get it?! Because earth's gonna be reduced an apocalyptic wasteland after the robots are finished pillaging the shit out of it! And speaking of pillage -- my girlfriend tried to convince me that's the technical term for the little wads of toilet paper that Velcro themselves to your butthair after you wipe too aggressively (or use store-brand). I believed her too, which is why I just spent 20 minutes searching around online trying to verify it WITH ZERO LUCK. Who lies about butt-crumbs?!?!

Hit the jump for the 'driving with a deployed airbag in your lap'.

Continue Reading " That...Doesn't Look Street Legal: The Most #$%&ed Up SUV That's Still Driveable "

Apr 18 2011 Man Dressed As Female Mannequin Arrested At Mall For Spying In Women's Restroom

Picture kinda related.

Some pervert in England was recently arrested after being caught in the women's room of a mall dressed as a female 'mannequin' and taking pictures of women's feet under the stall wall and recording the sounds of them farting and flushing because that's what turns him on. WHAT. THE. F***.

When security guards nabbed him after he emerged from the locked cubicle, Hardman admitted to performing a sexual act and said: "I've been a bit weird."

Police found three images of women's feet taken beneath cubicle doors on his mobile phone, and an audio recording of a flushing toilet, the court was told.

Hardman told Birmingham Magistrates' Court he felt "sexual gratification out of everything that goes on in women's toilets".

The 22-year-old from Edgbaston was seen sneaking into the women's toilets "dressed like a mannequin with a mask and a wig" earlier this month.

When asked to explain his outfit, he said he wore the clothes to a fancy dress party and then tried it out at the shopping mall.

WOW. Remember folks -- when you think you've hit rock bottom, just ask yourself, "Am I sneaking into public restrooms dressed as a female mannequin to listen to ladies go #2?" If the answer is 'f*** no', congratulations, you haven't hit rock bottom. But if you're running around sniffing ladies' bicycle seats you're getting close.

Man dressed as mannequin found in mall toilet [9news]

Thanks to righteous Wednesday, who tried to accuse me of spying in a Wal-Mart dressing room WHICH IS A BLATANT LIE BECAUSE IT WAS TARGET. Wal-Mart, please -- I'm classy.

Apr 18 2011 Homemade Bacon Bouquet Will In No Way Make Up For Sleeping With Girlfriend's BFF

Unless she's a porker. Yow yow -- more bacon for the shakin'! More...smoked flavor for the savor? Shit I got nothin'.

Instructables is currently holding a contest (until May 8th) in which participants are challenged to create things out of bacon. The winner gets an iPad 2. The losers get gastric bypass. Me? I get put down a lot by my so-called "friends". *putting fingers in ears* I'M NOT A LOSA -- I'M NOT! User kaptaink_cg posted instructions on how to make a bacon bouquet (who may or may yes have made this one in the past).

Flowers make a nice gift to the friend that needs a smile or for that special someone in your life. Roses are even better. But sometimes even roses don't cut it. Sometimes you need something a little more non-cliché, something...extraordinary... Sometimes, you need BACON.

Whoa whoa whoa -- "sometimes even roses don't cut it"?!?! WHAT THE F*** DID YOU DO?! "Threesome with her best friend and sister." AND YOU STILL GOT A PREENIS?!

All Contest Entries (most of which are pretty vom lookin')
and
Bacon Roses [instructables]

Thanks to MissBixa and somer, who only know how to make three things out of bacon: breakfast, lunch and dinner. WHAT -- NO SNACKS?!

Apr 18 2011 The Game of Love: Tetris Heart Tattoos

Note: Larger version HERE in case you're determined to count how many individual blocks make up each heart (SPOILER: 95. I counted -- twice).

Seen here looking suspiciously veinless (VAMPIRES!) two lovas show off their matching Tetris tattoos as a sign of...something. Love maybre? I drunno. I do Draino though, which is why I'm vomiting blood.

My fiance and I got these tetris hearts for valentines day in 2010. We are both huge video game geeks who love tetris, so this was perfect for us!

You know what else is perfect for you two? Each other. Now that's the closest you'll ever get to my blessing, so I strongly suggest a shotgun wedding before I change my mind and decide you look like siblings. Which -- too late. Same forearms.

tetris heart tattoos [f***yeahtattoos]
via
We go together like backwards Z's and upside-down T's [albotas]

Thanks to Marley, who got matching 'Words with Friends' tattoos with her boyfriend because they're both shameful human beings.

Apr 16 2011 Gunbrella Giveaway's Weatherproof Winners

And the winners of the Gunbrella Weather Weaponry give-away are *drumroll please* -- comment #'s 738 (El Josh-O), 768 (Deanna Waldron) and 2262 (Ryan B.). Damn, looks like it was a great contest to be a commenter in the 700's! (Specifically, 738 or 768) Thank you all for playing, look forward to more contests in the future. And if you didn't win but really wanted to, cheer up. After all, rain is just mother nature's way of saying 'WET T-SHIRT CONTEST -- TITS OR GTFO!' "Riiiiiight, I'm pretty sure mother nature would never say that." Like hell she wouldn't, that lady's a free spirit if I've ever seen one! Doesn't even wear a bra. (I peeped a green nip down her shirt sleeve once).

Gunbrella Product Site

Apr 15 2011 Eh: Windows 8 Leaked, Can Run Off Zip Drive

OH MAN, WHO'S AS EXCITED ABOUT WINDOWS 8 AS I AM?! If you answered, "go f*** yourself" and picked up something to throw it at me, you might be! And now an early beta of the operating system has been leaked! Plus it can run off of a 16GB flash drive! The future is now! Who gives a shit?! Not me -- you? "I couldn't even muster a wet fart in a jacuzzi." Damn, you nasty.

UPDATE: Apparently leak is of a crappy, outdated build of the OS from September 2010, making an uninteresting post about an uninteresting topic even less interesting. You're f***in' killing it, Microsoft! "You too, GW!" Ouch. WORDS HURT.

BetaArchive
via
Windows 8 runs off a USB flash drive [ubergizmo]
and
About that Windows 8 Milestone 1 leak ... [zdnet]

Thanks to Clarence, who doesn't leak anything but urine, and only when he gets really excited. Hey -- it happens to the best of us. Kidding bro, invest in some rubber bands.

Apr 15 2011 I'll Believe It When I See Wii It: New PS3/XBox Crushing Nintendo Dropping Next Year?

According to a bunch of industry 'insiders' who are allegedly in the know (but more than likely just lying to impress their favorite video game blogs), a new, ultra-powerful HD Nintendo console will be revealed at the E3 event in June, moving the company out of the stone age and into the copper one. Coppers?! QUICK, FLUSH ALL THE WEED!

The news, first reported by Game Informer who cited anonymous sources in their report today, confirms rumors that have been swirling for months in the wake of slowing game releases from Nintendo.

Furthermore, we've heard that the machine will be more powerful than current-gen systems, meaning Nintendo, currently backing a Wii that is weaker in horsepower than the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, will be showing a new console that is more powerful than those current competitors.

Update: Nintendo responded to our inquiry with a standard "Nintendo does not comment on rumor or speculation".

That's just like you, Nintendo -- never commenting on rumors or speculation. Where's the fun in that? You should really spread a little hearsay every once in awhile, it really does a body good (chocolate milk too). Plus -- PLUS -- helps keeps people interested. Here, I'll get you started: Yoshi is actually Princess Peach and Bowser's lovechild! It's true, Boo told me. He was there -- as Bowser's condom. Get it? Because ghosts don't exist!

New Nintendo Console Debuting At E3 This June, Launching In 2012, More Powerful Than Xbox 360 and PS3 [kotaku]

Thanks to Mark, tequila (OH YOU WOULD TEMPT ME LIKE THAT!) and Danielle, who aren't holding their breath. *thump* I take that back -- looks like Mark was after all.

Apr 15 2011 Future Phones: Bringing Back The Cord

This is a short video of a lady riding the train and using what I can only assume is the latest in cell phone technology. No word if the device is able to place calls to dead relatives, but my guess is absolutely. Plus anybody else she can imagine. Get it? Because she's out of her f***ing mind. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take this. "Hello, moon? Tell the rest of the solar system I said hi. Yeah, I'm still on vacation visiting earth's core. Never again -- it's hotter than shit down here."

Hit the jump 30-seconds of DON'T YOU HANG UP ON ME.

Continue Reading " Future Phones: Bringing Back The Cord "

Apr 15 2011 Growing Weed Indoors Not So Green After All, Responsible For 1% Of All US Electricity Use

Seen here looking suspiciously absolutely nothing like my basement, indoor weed growing ops like this one are estimated to be responsible for 1% of all US energy consumption -- around $5-billion a year. Which, for the record, I would never pay for an ounce. Not even one grown in Eden from Adam's seed.

While 1% may not seem like a lot, the report claims that smoking one single Cannabis joint is equivalent to running a 100-watt light bulb for 17 hours. That Cannabis cigarette carries two pounds of CO2 emissions.

According to the report:

Each four-by-four-foot production module doubles the electricity use of an average U.S. home and triples that of an average California home. The added electricity use is equivalent to running about 30 refrigerators. Processed Cannabis results in 3000-times its weight in emissions. For off-grid production, it requires 70 gallons of diesel fuel to produce one indoor Cannabis plant, or 140 gallons with smaller, less-efficient gasoline generators.

I didn't actually bother reading any of that because I'm high and thinking about mother nature depresses the shit out of me, so I'm just going to assume it said water bongs are the way to go. *blublububublubulubulub* Science!

Marijuana Carbon Footprint: Indoor Pot Production Uses 1 Percent Of U.S. Electricity, Study Says [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to DrDank, who doesn't listen to studies, only jam-bands.

Apr 15 2011 Taco Bell Testing Nacho Cheese Dorito Shells

Because your penis can never be too orange, Taco Bell has been testing a new crunchy taco shell made out of what appears to be a giant Nacho Cheese Dorito (with a couple extra pieces of shredded cheese stuck to the exterior for good measure). Named the 'Doritos Locos Tacos', they're just crazy enough to stab you with diarrhea in the middle of the night despite an important meeting in the morning. YOU GONNA SHIT ORO TONIGHT, GRINGO!

Hit the jump for a video review by one satisfied customer.

Continue Reading " Taco Bell Testing Nacho Cheese Dorito Shells "

Apr 15 2011 Burberry's Holographic Runway Models

Burberry, a company best known for f***ing plaid (houndstooth FTW), recently held a runway show in Beijing featuring holographic models. Which, fun fact: eat just as much as real ones. DAMMIT JEM, YOU TELL THAT BAND OF YOURS TO POUND SOME CHEESE-FRIES, STAT! Admittedly, the holograms do look pretty impressive, they're just a little ridiculous to see all dressed up because holograms don't actually care if they're butt-ass naked, just as long as they're shiny and people think they're from the future they don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuu.

Hit the jump for 35-seconds of holographic modeling set to 'You Don't Own Me'.

Continue Reading " Burberry's Holographic Runway Models "

Apr 15 2011 Another Day, Another Star Trek Pr0n Parody

Oh right, because the Sex Files were sooooooooo good.

Because perverted Trekkies everywhere would be devastated if there wasn't an opportunity to watch a pornographic parody of every different Star Trek series, an adult version of The Next Generation is set for release early next month by smut-peddler Digital Sin. And speaking of digital sin -- *making love to my laptop's Bluray-disk tray* OW OW STOP IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!

[The] DVD due in May will come with two disks, one regular version and one "party version". The "party" disk allows you to view the film without any of the adult content, with nothing in it above a PG-13 level. This means that Trek fans can watch the film just for the story, and in this case it is a story about the return of Tasha Yar. It even deals with the sci-fi/Star Trek concept of multiple universes.

Here is the official plot description:

While en route to Starbase 112, the Enterprise detects strange electromagnetic readings emanating from a barren M-Class planet. Upon further investigation, it is discovered that the source of energy is in fact a box containing Tasha Yar (India Summer), the long dead former Chief of Security of the ship, in cryosleep. Is she the real Tasha Yar? Is she a clone? Or is she something completely different?

Trekkies: the only fans willing to pay for a porno that includes a PG-13 bonus disk OF JUST THE STORY. Which -- $20 says it gets masturbated to more often.

Hit the jump for a couple more (clean) shots and the PG-13 trailer.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Star Trek Pr0n Parody "

Apr 15 2011 Productivity Is Down: Play World's Largest Game Of Pac-Man In Your Internet Browser

Want to play thousands of user-created levels in the world's largest game of Pac-Man? Well now you can thanks to worldsbiggestpacman.com. Designed by Soap Creative to show off the capabilities of HTML5 and tout Internet Explorer 9, I just played the shit out of it in Firefox with no issues. Feeling creative? No problem -- there's even an editing tool so you can add your own penis-shaped level to the mix. Mine looks like it's shooting power pellets! #Winning

WorldBiggestPacMan (go piss the rest of the day away)
via
This is the World's Biggest Pac-Man Game [kotaku]

Thanks to Ben, who's afraid to play because he's been saving himself for the world's largest version of Bubble Bobble. I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE?!

Apr 14 2011 Creepazoid Of The Opera: Giant Human Torso Stage In The Middle Of A Lake

Note: Larger version HERE for the full theatrical effect.

This is a picture of the set being erected in Austria's Lake Constance for a summer run of Italian composer Umberto Giordano's opera 'Andre Chenier'. As you can see, the entire piece takes place on an eyeless giant's face and tits. HA -- and you thought the opera was boring! It is though is the thing. The only thing that would make this show salvageable is turning it into a pirate-themed dinner theater with with pyrotechnics and a laser-light show. Booty on Butterface Island FTW!

The World's Creepiest Opera Is Still Under Construction [gizmodo]
via
Photos of the Day [wallstreetjournal]

Thanks to Kareem, who actually enjoys the opera because he just puts in his own earbuds and spies on women's cleavage with those little binocular thingies. Not bad!

Apr 14 2011 Bluegrass Cover Of OG Super Mario Music

This is a video of the Cleverlys performing a cover of the iconic overworld theme (and a bit of the underworld one too!!!!11) from the original Super Mario game. It's okay. I'm mostly just posting this because the guy on the left looks like Colonel Sander's retarded younger brother. DAMMIT OTTO, DID YOU SPIT IN THE SECRET CHICKEN BATTER AGAIN?! Awh hell, I can't go gettin' mad at my own kin. Skinnydip by the railroad tracks?

Hit the jump to get your toe-tapping diddle-dandy on or something.

Continue Reading " Bluegrass Cover Of OG Super Mario Music "

Apr 14 2011 Questionable: The Bulletproof Clipboard

This is a 3-pound, $45 bulletproof clipboard from ThinkGeek. It's questionable for a number of reasons. 1) nobody but the lady administering my driving test uses a clipboard anymore and even she knows a bulletproof version isn't do her any good because I threatened to stab her after failing me for the third time. 2) just because something is bulletproof doesn't mean it's going to actually stop a bullet. You'd still have to be strong enough to hold the board straight so the bullet doesn't glance off and put a hole in that pretty face of yours. Case in point: hold up a hand. *TIGER-PUNCH!* See? That hand might have stood a chance of blocking if you weren't such a weakling. Wow, did you just get a cast removed or something? The hair on your arm looks really dark. Lemme licky or I'll cut ya.

Hit the jump for a video of the board being tested plus bonus (if you can call it that) cheese-whiz action movie scene.

Continue Reading " Questionable: The Bulletproof Clipboard "

Apr 14 2011 10-Minute Peek Of The Hobbit Pre-Production

Want 10-minutes of pre-production footage of Peter Jackson (who looks like he's lost at least 20 gollums and has his own Bilbo Baggins thing going on now) showing you around some of the sets and actors in his upcoming Hobbit movie? AS YOU WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISH!! No -- wrong franchise? F*** it, this was supposed to be IWatchStuff's beat anyways.

Hit the jump for 10-minutes of Middle Earth madness.

Continue Reading " 10-Minute Peek Of The Hobbit Pre-Production "

Apr 14 2011 WTF WERE YOU THINKING?!: Guy Builds Himself An Actual Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robot

Seen here looking suspiciously like Punch-Out's Little Mac taking a fall, Australian structural engineer Kris Tressider decided to build himself a real-life Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot. Possibly to show off his robot-building ingenuity, but probably because he doesn't have any friends to play with. God, maybe if you weren't so weird!

It may be powered by windshield wiper motors [NO WONDER IT JUST GOT SO HARD TO DRIVE IN THE RAIN!], but in no way stops it from flailing about in a threatening manner.

The robot can be adjusted in innumerable different ways, and it's not just repeating the same motions over again: it randomly throws both jabs and hooks at different speeds and from slightly different directions. And there's also this:

"A third electric motor can then be engaged via an opposing cam cable device to become berserk."

So, how long before they have one of these things at Dave & Busters? And, more importantly, how many Rum Runners before I jumpkick its head off and drag its padded body out to the parking lot for some WWF WTF action. Get it? I'm talking about fake-sodomizing it in the bed of a pickup.

Hit the jump for 1:15 of looking weird.

Continue Reading " WTF WERE YOU THINKING?!: Guy Builds Himself An Actual Rock 'Em, Sock 'Em Robot "

Apr 14 2011 Swimming In Molten Steel: Terminator 2 Cake

You remember watching 'Terminator 2' for the first time, when, after finally defeating the T-1000, the original (Schwarzenegger) Terminator sacrifices himself in the same vat of molten steel so his technology can't be used to create Skynet? I do -- like it was yesterday. I was so f***ing excited I stood up and started cheering in the theater. Then tore my shirt off and swung it around over my head like a pillowcase full of cat turds yelling, 'THIS THEATER'S POPCORN TASTES LIKE BURNT, BUTTERED @$$HOLES!" Then I hid in the bathroom feigning diarrhea for 45-minutes before sneaking into a 'Point Break' matinee. Double feature FTW!

Terminator 2 Cake [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Christopher, who refuses to eat any piece of cake that may have come in contact with an action figure. Oh come on -- it's not like some guy had the toy down his pants. Right? Right?! *scraping tongue with napkin*

Apr 14 2011 Homemade Bioshock 2 Big Sister Costume

Nice shorts.

You know what the best part about playing through 'Bioshock 2' was? Being able to escape from my mundane existence for a couple hours a day and pretend I was part of something greater. "Whoa broski -- how about a little warning before opening such a big box of f***ing depressing!" Sorry. I just got 'Mass Effect 2' but I'm afraid to actually start it because I know almost nothing in life is as exciting as the anticipation leading up to it. "DAMMIT -- WTF DID I JUST TELL YOU?!" Sorry. Is anybody else tired? I feel a nap coming on.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the outfit (for sale, $600 -- MEN'S SIZE ONLY) and a link to the seller's Etsy page.

Continue Reading " Homemade Bioshock 2 Big Sister Costume "

Apr 14 2011 China: No More Wonky Time-Travel Plots In Television Shows

China, in an attempt to curb inaccurate portrayals of the country's past, has created a list of guidelines for television programs that discourage the use of time-travel in plots. So yeah, no more going back and changing history. The Great Wall was originally built as a tape-measure for my peen AND THAT'S FINAL.

In a statement dated March 31, the State Administration for Radio, Film & Television said that TV dramas that involve characters traveling back in time "lack positive thoughts and meaning." The guidelines discouraging this type of show said that some "casually make up myths, have monstrous and weird plots, use absurd tactics, and even promote feudalism, superstition, fatalism and reincarnation."

The guidelines, which fell short of an outright ban of such dramas, seem to have come in response to a series of popular programs about protagonists drifting back to ancient times. For instance, in "Palace," one of China's hottest TV series, a woman falls in love with a Qing dynasty painting, travels back in time and then falls in love with several princes.

Oh man, I fell in love with a painting once. It was a nude. I used to visit the museum everyday on my break just to see it. Think Pierce Brosnan in the 'Thomas Crown Affair', but with more trying to nonchalantly masturbate with a sack lunch in his lap.

Making TV Safer: Chinese Censors Crack Down on Time Travel [nytimes]
via
China Decides to Ban Time Travel [time]

Thanks to BooGT, who only wants to ban future time-travel from TV so there aren't any riots when we don't actually get Hoverboards.

Apr 14 2011 Man In Dino Costume Shows Up At Australian School To Frighten $#!7 Out Of Children

This is a short video of a guy wearing one of those ultra-realistic 'Walking with Dinosaurs' t-rex suits and running around an Australian schoolyard trying to make kids tar their pits pants. Most of the children run in terror, but I spotted at least a couple future dino-lovers in the crowd. Personally, I would have mounted that thing like a rodeo bull and ridden it for the full 8-seconds -- then another 30 until I was finished. "Finished what?" *wink* "FINISHED WHAT?!" *raising the roof*

Hit the jump for 1:30 of 'please tell me you do private parties'.

Continue Reading " Man In Dino Costume Shows Up At Australian School To Frighten $#!7 Out Of Children "

Apr 13 2011 Suck It, Spiderman!: A Batman Theater Show

Because that Spiderman Broadway shit-show is well on its way to making money (bandaged) hand over (broken) fist, a live-action Batman 'arena' show is being launched in the UK this summer, after which it will tour the world FOR FIVE YEARS. Which, according to my most recent calculations, is almost four years after the world is supposed to end. RIDDLE ME THAT, ED NIGMA!!

Gotham City will be brought to life in Batman Live, with a huge stage lit up by a dazzling display of pyrotechnics and special effects.

A 100ft screen shaped like a bat will act as a backdrop for the special effects, and characters will be able to fly around the set thanks to a grid suspended above the stage. It will also include an action sequence where the Joker tries to escape in a hot air balloon, only to be shot down in flames.

The story of Batman Live follows the young Dick Grayson, a circus performer whose parents are murdered, and how he becomes Batman's sidekick Robin.

I'm not gonna lie, I would probably see that. A LOT. Especially if all the characters wear spandex. I f***ing love spandex. AND sequins. Also, the theater in general because I'm classy. No, no I'm not. I just like to crawl around under the seats once they turn the lights down and try to steal people's snacks. Which, fun fact: isn't easy. Get it? Because it's so dark and I'm a full-grown man!

Hit the jump for a couple more cast pictures and four -- count them, FOUR -- video previews of the show.

Continue Reading " Suck It, Spiderman!: A Batman Theater Show "

Apr 13 2011 'The Illustrious Omnibus of Super Powers'

Note: You can't read a word of that unless you were granted eagle-vision after a radioactive bird shat in your eye or something, click HERE to see the whole thing.

This is a definitive guide to superpowers and the freaks who have them. Or, if you want to get technical, " a taxonomic tree of over 100 wondrous powers and abilities, with over 200 superheroes and supervillains as examples thereof." I honestly have no clue if it's accurate or not because it's taking every ounce of energy I have just not to fall asleep sitting up. I'd like to think I'll be able to slip some pants on before my roommate brings my lunch and medicine but it's not looking promising. It is looking like a lot of stars shooting around in my field of vision though. Oh -- now there's a tunnel. I'M COMING, GOD! *focusing* False alarm, somebody just emailed a pic of their butthole. "Dear GW, get better soon moon." Thanks for that, really. I heard dry-heaving's the secret to a speedy recovery.

18" x 24" Poster Prints For Sale [popchartlab]
via
The Illustrious Omnibus of Super Powers [laughingsquid]

Thanks to Karin, who has the superpower of superpowers. WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?

Apr 13 2011 Little Girl Joins Dark Side w/o Thinking Twice

This is a video of little Sarah Gallego at Disneyland who, after being presented with an opportunity to train with the Jedi Academy, opts to bow to Darth Vader and join the Dark Side instead. Boy must her parents have been embarrassed! Or devil worshipers. I swear, you never can tell with people these days (I think my neighbors are into Civil War reenactments).

Hit the jump for the 'damn, Darth is pretty charismatic I'm not gonna lie'.

Continue Reading " Little Girl Joins Dark Side w/o Thinking Twice "

Apr 13 2011 Mortal Kombat Videos Out The Yin-Yang

Because these things have been pouring in like piss and toilet paper remnants out of a clogged commode, here's four different Mortal Kombat-related videos, in this order:

1. The first installment in series of live-action 'Mortal Kombat: Legacy' shorts.

2. Rejected Mortal Kombat characters (Pac-Man, Link, Toad) and their fatalities.

3. Some sexy Mortal Kombat Mileena cosplay because I'm not gay.

4. Some sexy Mortal Kombat Kitana cosplay to overcompensate because I might be gay.

5. Me watching gay pr0n to settle this once and for all.

Hit the jump for all the videos, except the last one which just got pulled from Youtube for being FAR TOO GOT-DAMN SEXY.

Continue Reading " Mortal Kombat Videos Out The Yin-Yang "

Apr 13 2011 You're Did It Wrong: WoW Player Hits Level 85 Without A Single Kill, Only One Quest

Everbloom, a Night Elf Restoration Druid playing on World of Warcraft's Feathermoon server, managed to top out their stats at level 85 with only one quest AND NOT A SINGLE KILL. WoW. Get it?! Me neither, I think I took triple my meds this morning!

All the player did do to reach this level 85 was explore: an unbelievable amount of running, swimming, and searching everything in sight.

Here's what the player had to say about their accomplishment:

Being on the ground and sneaking around mining and herbing and eventually archaeology, going everywhere to get every single point of discovery xp that you can, really gives you a chance to see an amazing world up close and personal. I spent hours swimming around reefs and flying to the farthest reaches of the maps.

If you like to explore, and enjoy a challenge I really REALLY recommend this, I have been playing since day 1 on other characters and I even have an original Loremaster (you know, back when it was hard) and I saw so MANY new things with Everbloom that it really made it worthwhile for me to continue on with this character, and each level was a major achievement!

Hey, different strokes for different folks. Some people don't understand life's only temporary and you may come to regret pissing away 8,000 hours looking behind every tree in a video game. Me? I would have bought some WoW gold from China and called it a day. But that's just me, and I'm EFFICIENT. "Hoho -- that's what your girlfriend says about your performance in bed!" OH VERY FUNN-- did she really?

'World Of Warcraft' Player Hits Level 85 Cap Without A Single Kill [geekofdoom]

Thanks to Brittany, who has a pair of level 400 Laser Lightshow Titties that I pray blind me one day.

Apr 13 2011 Jealous Prius Is Jealous: Chevy Volt Owners Averaging 1,000 Miles Between Fill-Ups

The Chevy Volt, which was originally conceptualized to look like this, but ended up looking like something your aunt would drive, has officially sold over 1,000 models, and is now starting to receive some impressive feedback from consumers, including an average of over 1,000-miles driven between fill-ups.

The Volt comes with a plug-in battery that has a range of up to 35 miles, plus a nine gallon gas tank that can add another 344 miles through a small engine. According to the EPA, if you run the Volt on electricity only you'll get the equivalent of 93 miles per gallon, whereas if you run the Volt on gas only (not like you would) you'd get 37 miles per gallon.

The number [1,00-miles between fill-ups] suggests that the majority of Volt owners are taking substantial advantage of the Volt's all-electric mode, which is good news, 'cause there was some amount of concern that with a range of only 35 miles, you'd end up having to rely a lot more on the gas engine, which would partially negate the whole point of having a plug-in hybrid in the first place.

Not bad! Unfortunately, now all you Slim-Jim and Big Gulp-loving Volt drivers are going to have to find another excuse to swing by 7-11 for a snack. I suggest one of those hotdogs on the metal rollers. MY GOD THOSE THINGS CAN BE GOOD. Or give you the runs. 50/50 I shit my car seat on the way home.

GM: Volt drivers getting 1,000 miles per tank [dvice]

Thank to Peter Pandapper, who may or may yes just be a boy pretending to be an adult by wearing a top hat and monocle. THE TIGHTS GAVE IT AWAY, BRO.

Apr 13 2011 'Robocop' Sunglasses To Help Scan Crowds, Identify Perps At The Next (2014) World Cup

Picture unrelated related enough.

If all goes according to plan, Brazilian police forces will be equipped with 'Robocop' sunglasses before the next World Cup (see what I did there?), capable of scanning and detecting the faces of known trouble-makers/terrorists and alerting officers. BEEP BOOP -- HALT, CRIMINAL.

Dubbed "RoboCop" glasses after the 1987 action film, the glasses are fitted with a tiny camera that scans up to 400 faces per second. It cross-checks those images against a database of criminals and terrorists, and flashes a small red light inside the glasses if a match comes up. Then the officer knows whom to home in on and whom to leave alone.

On its optimal settings, the camera can scan 400 faces a second at a distance of up to 50 yards away. But the settings can be changed to recognize faces at a slower pace, at up to 12 miles away.

Agostini said the camera and database compare 46,000 biometric points on a person's face, so the chances of mistaken identity are slim.

Identifying perps from 12-miles away with a pair of sunglasses? Riiiiiiiiiiight. You see that dot? Yeah, the one that looks like an ant? It's a terrorist. Trust me, the glasses said so. Also, that I should go grab some churros and leave the arrests up to you. YOU HEARD THE GLASSES! Kidding, they only talk to me but still.

Brazilian Police Debut 'RoboCop' Glasses Ahead of World Cup [aolnews]

Thanks to Pat, who doesn't need special glasses to identify perps because he has a photographic memory. Photographic memory, or criminal database implanted in your eyeball? Photographic memory? SORRY FOR TRYING TO MAKE YOU LOOK COOL.

Apr 13 2011 THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE (HUNDRED): IGN's Top Pokemon Characters Contest

IGN is running a voting contest until the 20th to decide the 100 best Pokemon characters. And I assume by "best" they mean "favorite", because this thing looks like a high school popularity contest if I've ever seen one. And if there's one thing I know about high school popularity contests, it's starting a rumor you kissed the prettiest girl in your class won't win you anything but a black-eye from her boyfriend. GAH -- I knew I should've told them I was an alien! Feel free to vote all you want hoping Squirtle makes the top ten. Alternatively, stop wasting your f***ing time and read through the Geekologie archives -- you're bound to learn something in there. Possibly a golden nugget of truth about life and the pursuit of happiness! Or a silver ingot about successful relationships! Ooooooooor a turd about my wiener. Doubles as a rollling-pin, just sayin'.

Official Voting Site
and
What is IGN's Pokemon Face-Off? [ign]

Thanks to laurieisking, who should technically probably be a queen but I'm not here to judge, I'm here to pretend to judge and give the same score as the guy next to me.

Apr 13 2011 Enter To Win: Gunbrella Weather Weaponry

So I've got three Gunbrella umbrellas to give away. Leave a comment in the comments and you're entered to win. One comment per valid email address or I'll track you down and beat you up in front of your family and anybody else who wants to watch. If there's a significant amount of interest I may even charge admission. Contest ends Friday the 15th (NOT 13TH) at midnight Pacific, winners announced next Saturday. Good luck and try to stay dry until then. "Ha -- I can't help if I make it rain!" Yes, you can -- hand over the ceremonial headdress. You can keep the boombox but if I hear any Pure Moods I'm gonna smash it.

Gunbrella Product Site

Geekologie Contest Rules

Apr 12 2011 A Comprehensive Chart Of Radiation Doses

Note: This isn't anywhere near the whole thing, click HERE to see it all AND GET READY TO GEIGERCOUNT.

I saw some other comprehensive guide to radiation dosage floating around the interwebs a few weeks ago but I never got around to posting it, so here's a different one. Hold on, let me find the first one and I'll post it too -- IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS. Here, here's the other one. It's a lot more explanatory and complicated. I like this one because it's a simple triangle and reminds me of the food pyramid AND THINKING ABOUT FOOD MAKES ME HAPPY. There, I said it. The only thing annoying about both charts is that neither one mentions at what radiation level you start gaining superpowers. But from what I've gathered from reading comics I suspect it's in the 6,000 mSv range. *peeping chart* What is that -- like 2,000 mammograms back-to-back? Ugh. *smashing tits together* HIT ME AGAIN DOC -- I FELT A LUMP.

Radiation Dosage Chart [informationisbeautiful]
and
Radiation Dosage & Its Sources Explained [mashable]

Thanks to nathan and Carly, who try to keep their radiation levels to less than six bananas a day. Smart thinking -- more than three of those things and you're shitting Jello.

Apr 12 2011 Aquaman, Batman, Cyclops!: Superhero ABCs

Remember learning the ABC's? Me neither -- what are we, six? "I'm seven." What the -- how did you even find Geekologie? "Searching for dinosaurs." YOU GO BACK TO DISNEY.COM AND YOU STAY THERE. Artist Lishoffs (aka Fabian Gzlez), best known for his charts of minimalist superheroes/supervillains/video game characters, is back at it, this time with the superhero ABC's. Can you name them all? No? Cool, I'll just copy/paste the answers:

Aquaman, Batman, Cyclops, Daredevil, Elektra, Flash, Green Lantern, Hulk, Iron Man, Justice, Kick-Ass, Lion-O, Mandrake, Nightcrawler, Orion, Punisher, Quicksilver, Rorschach, Superman, The Thing, Ultra Boy, Vision, Wolverine, Professor X, Yukk, Zorro

Geez, maybe if I'd had superhero ABC's growing up instead of those creepy GENERIC anthropomorphic letters I wouldn't have had to retake kindergarten. Or be afraid during nap time. Just sayin', you ever woken up with Q's hand down your pants? Not cool -- especially not when you fell asleep to K rubbin' on your nips. THERE'S A PECKING ORDER!

Prints/Shirts/Hoodies for sale with the design
and
Lishoff's Flickr

Thanks to Krista, who learned the alphabet but never to count. Trust me -- you're not missing out on anything but a headache.

Apr 12 2011 Making Fire-Fighting Fun Again: Japanese Throwable Fire Extinguishers

SAT 119 Fire Extinguishers may look like purple drank, but they're actually throwable containers filled with fire-fighting chemicals (or microscopic water-wizards). No word if they're drinkable too, but if they're anything like antifreeze, only in moderation.

You huck it at a fire, and the shell, made of fragile plastic, breaks, unleashing both a fire-extinguishing liquid agents, and chemicals that mix to release carbon dioxide and ammonia, which force out the oxygen and smother the flames.

Boom, simple as that. So simple, in fact, there's a video demonstration after the jump showing a wheelchair-bound man throwing one. Granted he misses and somebody else has to step in and chuck one to actually put out the fire, but still -- it's the effort that counts. Except in fires, in which case it's actually putting the fire out that counts.

Hit the jump for a one-minute demo (wheelchair firefighting fail at 0:50).

Continue Reading " Making Fire-Fighting Fun Again: Japanese Throwable Fire Extinguishers "

Apr 12 2011 DON-8r: Another Dirty Panhandling Robot

Seen here being investigated by a group of parent-hating teens, DON-8r is a little donation-soliciting robot that looks like something I'd want to see how far I could kick. Basically he just sits around yelling in this grating robotic voice of his until you insert some change in the back back of his head. Then he rolls a couple feet, stops, and repeats at which point you either:

A) give him another dime to move a little further
B) give him a dollar coin hoping he'll drive himself all the way off the curb and into traffic or
C) tear his head off, empty the change bin into your pockets, and run like you just stole something because
D) you actually did just steal something -- and probably from children with disabilities! Hell's too good for you.

Hit the jump for a demonstration of the little money-grubber in action.

Continue Reading " DON-8r: Another Dirty Panhandling Robot "

Apr 12 2011 I'm Glad I Didn't Know: What's Really At The Bottom Of Those Pits In Super Mario Bros.

Note: Full-res version HERE for a little more clarity. And speaking of clarity -- I had a moment of one in the hospital yesterday watching Maury. THAT BITCH WAS LYIN'!

I'm not even sure WTF I'm looking at but if I had to guess it's...my wiener wrapped in a roll of gauze to look like a little mummy. "FOCUS GW -- STAY ON THE POST!" Sorry, I'm trying, I really am. This is artist Dash Coleman's concept of what's waiting for everyone's favorite (non-chintzy porno) plumber at the bottom of every one of those pits. A giant pile of f***ing frightening, that's what. Which reminds me -- have I ever told you about the time I was tired of my brother's turn taking so long and got him to swim down one of the pits in a water level by convincing him it was a warp zone? He beat me in the back of the head with his controller so hard I thought my eyeballs were gonna pop out!

Bonus 'video game/sci-fi characters as Pac-Man ghosts' poster by Dash HERE.

Dash's Flickr Gallery
via
The Pit, What Really Happens After Mario Falls Through a Hole [laughingsquid]

Thanks to Sally, who once bet a friend $30 they wouldn't jump into a pit of her choice while blindfolded. Ha, what'd you choose -- mosh? "Viper." I like your style.

Apr 12 2011 AT-AT For America: One Man's Plan To Build A Full-Scale, Functional Imperial Walker

Mike Koehler of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, has made it his life's dream (having already gotten the 'married with three children' part of the dream out of the way) to build a full-size and fully functional (ha -- good luck with the MS-1 fire-linked heavy laser cannons!) Imperial AT-AT walker. Theeeeeeen stomp the shit out of the woods behind his house looking for leprechaun gold.

AT-AT for America is a crowdsourced project that aims to build, no fooling, a fully fuctional, full-scale model of an AT-AT Imperial Walker from The Empire Strikes Back. They've gotten preliminary approval from Kickstarter to make it happen, so it sounds like they just need some funding plus a bunch of engineers from Kuat Drive Yards, or failing that, an alliance of Earthlings with a level of mechanical expertise equaled only by their hardcore sci-fi geekiness.

In case you were wondering, an AT-AT stands nearly 75 feet tall and has a maximum speed of just under 40 mph (!). It can carry 1 ton of cargo, or up to 40 Imperial Storm Troopers.

40MPH?! Yeah f***ing right! I'm surprised those shrinky-dink legs even hold the things up, let alone gallop. No, I say you shoot for 20MPH. Oooooooor half a mill in donations before fleeing the country.

Hit the jump for the entire Battle of Hoth scene from the movie (to stick it to the man for a bit) with no 40MPH AT-ATs and a link to the official project page.

Continue Reading " AT-AT For America: One Man's Plan To Build A Full-Scale, Functional Imperial Walker "

Apr 12 2011 Arkansas 'Bacon Day' News Report Features Iffy Bacon Bazooka, Geekologie Shoutout

Geekologie Reader (and local news employee) Alex attended Fayetteville, Arkansas's 3rd annual 'Bacon Day', where Nick Hamon (who may or may yes be the lovechild of the Earl of Ham and Lady Bacon) failed to top his BA-K-47 and bacon AT-AT from previous years with this half-assed Bacon Bazooka. What's a bacon bazooka? From what I can tell just a PVC pipe spraypainted black with bacon laid on top that shoots model rockets with sausages inside (WTF?!). IMPRESSED I AM NOT. But with how Alex managed to throw a solid 8-second Geekologie shoutout in at the end of the segment? Absolutely. Free local advertising FTW! Reminds me of the time I tried to splice a subliminal picture of my wiener into a Youtube video I uploaded. In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have included a shot with my face. 2-seconds is longer than you think.

Hit the jump for 8-seconds of win at the end.

Continue Reading " Arkansas 'Bacon Day' News Report Features Iffy Bacon Bazooka, Geekologie Shoutout "

Apr 12 2011 Unstoppable!: My 8,000th Geekologie Article

That's me!

Aaaaaaand I'm back. All signs point to yesterday's surgery being a success, and I've since returned home higher than a drug mule that just had a narcotic-packed balloon pop in his @$$hole. I'll be downing these pain pills like Easter candy (which they might be) for the week, so you'll have to excuse me if I'm difficult. Or easy. *seductively gesturing to crotch with lazy-eye* Anyway, 3-years and 8-months in the making, this is my 8,000th Geekologie post. That's like 200 jokes, maybe more. On the articles, you readers (and fake Louis Vuitton-hocking hosebags) have produced over 293,073 comments (at least a tenth of which are FIRST-related). That's a lot. Granted not as many as grains of sand on a beach, but pretty close if you count all the cigarette butts and washed up jellyfish. *clink* Here's to 10K! Or dying trying. Or dying not trying but in my annual stunt spectacular.

Thanks for reading,

Your Geekologie Writer

Geekologie on Facebook and Geekologie on Twitter

Apr 11 2011 Not Just For Nut Bread: Banana Carving Art

Some artists paint. Some artists sculpt. This guy carves really ripe bananas. Me? I knead titties like pizza dough. Now I know what you're thinking, "Wow, he truly is a modern Renaissance man!" And it's true, I am (plus ninja). I've also been known to doodle one hell of a fat ass on the back of a bar napkin. "HA -- there is no back to a bar napkin, drunk." YOU SHUT UP. The places I go are so fancy they have things written on one side in ink. "That was your tab, you were getting kicked out for trying to drink an ashtray." I TOLD YOU -- IT LOOKED LIKE A SHOOTER!

Hit the jump for several more of the mushy goodness (including a zombie and Davy Jones!)

Continue Reading " Not Just For Nut Bread: Banana Carving Art "

Apr 11 2011 Marital Magic: Harry Potter Wedding Proposal

Some wizard, having decided he's met the sorceress of his dreams (or whatever the hell wizards have at night -- crystal ball visions?), proposed with this Harry Potter book with a surprise cutout containing the engagement ring. No word if the ring has a spell of longevity and happiness cast on it, but I would be happy to perform the ritual if you're interested (read: pawn the ring and replace it with a twist-tie).

Harry Potter Proposal of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Caroline, who doesn't care how her man proposes just as long as it's not on Facebook. Ha -- be careful what you wish for, Caroline. (LinkedIn proposal FTL!)

Apr 11 2011 US Government Releases 1950 UFO Report

This is a memo sent to the director of the FBI in 1950 describing the crash of three 'flying saucers' and the recovery of alien bodies from the New Mexico desert. OMG -- all those nutjobs weren't such nutjobs after all. Just kidding, I don't even trust the government to know a real flying saucer or alien if they saw one. You could probably paint your face green and sit in a kiddy pool by the road with a fishbowl over your head and have an unmarked van come screeching around the corner to pick you up within minutes. Possibly driven by a naked creep with a lapful of Twizzlers! Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on -- did you say Cadbury Creme Eggs?

Official FBI Record Vault

Thanks to Kaz and Patrick, who've known forever we're not alone because they both had alien friends growing up but they kept winning all their good pogs so they killed and buried their bodies. Holy shit. You could have at least tried the ol' 'Reese's Pieces trail into a volcano' trick!

Apr 11 2011 I'm Surprised It Took So Long: Bacon Cologne

$36 bacon-scented cologne: because if there's one demographic I'd like to find me more appealing, it's the meat-loving obese. *spray spray* Oh, I can already tell I've piqued the interest of guy sitting next to me -- he's trying his best to nonchalantly lick my arm. Okay, now he's nibbling my ear. Aaaaaaaaaand he just put his hand down my pants. Does that make us boyfriends?

Product Site
via
Bacon Cologne

Thanks to Stephen and Graeme S, who have both tried mixing actual bacon grease with Axe body spray but won't admit to it BECAUSE WHO THE F*** WANTS TO ADMIT TO WEARING AXE? "I do". The prosecution rests.

Apr 11 2011 Saudi Arabia Plans For Mile-High Skyscraper

A mile? That's not even scraping the sky anymore -- that's an open-palm grope!

Because building a tower taller your neighbor's is making a comeback in proving your superiority (God, whatever happened to a good ol' fashioned pissing contest?!), Saudi Arabia plans on building a $30-billion(!!!!!!) skyscraper that's almost twice as tall as Dubai's current record-holder, the Burj Khalifa (828 m; 2,717ft) with a tower a full mile high (1,600 m; 5,280 ft). *shivers* YOU'RE GOING AGAINST NATURE.

Prince Al Waleed Bin Talal, head of Kingdom Holding Company recently gave his approval for construction of what will be billed as the world's tallest man-made structure -- the Kingdom Tower.

Designed by Adrian Smith, the Kingdom Tower will be built in Saudi Arabia's city of Jeddah. The tower will stretch one mile up into heavens and include 12 million cubic feet of space, several stories of office space, several stories for a hotel and four tiers of residential space, with the upper most tier reserved for "alternative energy generation" solutions (perhaps including a pendulum to keep the entire tower from collapsing).

An elevator ride to the top is expected to take about 12-minutes, which is 11-and-half minutes longer than I could ever hold a fart trying to be a decent human being. Geez -- could you imagine getting to the bottom and realizing you left something upstairs? You'd have to just leave it OR IT'S ANOTHER 24-MINUTES BEFORE YOU'RE BACK DOWNSTAIRS. That's a f***ing commute and you haven't even left the building!

Hit the jump for a shot of the building's layout, as well as a video about it.

Continue Reading " Saudi Arabia Plans For Mile-High Skyscraper "

Apr 11 2011 Navy's Latest Pew Pew Laser Gun Succesfully Sets Dinghy Ablaze In Real-Life Test Scenario

A recent test of the Navy's latest laser weapon system proved it could successfully set fire to a moving boat's engines in a real-life environment, effectively incapacitating the vessel and making boarding/plundering a breeze. *flipping down eyepatch* YAAAARR!

"We were able to have a destructive effect on a high-speed cruising target," chief of Naval research Rear Adm. Nevin Carr told FoxNews.com.

The test occurred Wednesday near San Nicholas Island, off the coast of Central California in the Pacific Ocean test range, from a laser gun mounted onto the deck of the Navy's self-defense test ship, former USS Paul Foster

In a video of the event, the small boat can be seen catching fire and ultimately bursting into flames, a conflagration caused by the navy's distant gun. Some details of the event were classified, including the exact range of the shot, but Carr could provide some information: "We're talking miles, not yards," Carr said.

FROM MILES?! Holy smokes. This is a lot more serious than I had originally anticipated. Sooooooo -- what's the ruling on waving my arm around in front of the beam? Bet you I can go five seconds!
...
...
Okay we might want to fish that out before it starts attracting sharks.

Hit the jump for a short video of the laser-fire in action.

Continue Reading " Navy's Latest Pew Pew Laser Gun Succesfully Sets Dinghy Ablaze In Real-Life Test Scenario "

Apr 11 2011 Surgery (I'll Be Hopped Up On Meds All Week)

I trust her.

Hey guys, by the time you read this I'll be mid-operation. Nothing serious, apparently they just have to perform really drastic wiener reductions in phases. Thankfully, I wrote a bunch of articles yesterday that should auto-populate the site while I'm out today. If all goes well I should be back home tomorrow and all kinds of wacked out on pain meds. I'll have absolutely zero idea what I'm writing or any recollection of what I just published which is exactly how I operate so you probably won't notice a thing. HIYO! Here's to not passing out in the waiting room like last time. Or the doctor leaving forceps inside me. Or getting groped while I'm under. Or -- okay now I'm freaking myself out. See you all tomorrow, be good.

Apr 9 2011 Now With More Aurora Borealis: Time-Lapse Of Flight From San Francisco To Paris In 2-Min

Does anybody else think 'areola' when they hear 'aurora'? No -- just me? Must be my medical background. Kidding, total nipple lover. This is a worthwhile two-minute time-lapse of a guy's flight from San Francisco to Paris COMPLETE WITH AURORA BOREALIS. Which, fun fact: isn't an angel lighting farts like my Sunday School teacher taught us.

I shot a photo roughly every two miles between take-off in San Francisco and landing in Paris CDG to make this airplane time lapse.

Shot with a 5d2, a time-lapse controller, and a 16mm - 35mm, mixed with some iPhone shots.

The photos during take-off and landing are all computer models and totally rendered because I would never use an electronic device during times when the FAA prohibits them. I did get lucky and have a whole row to myself to setup the tripod and gear.

Thanks to my neighbors for not minding an SLR click every 2 to 30 seconds for 11 hours, and thanks to the whole Air France flight crew for being insanely friendly and allowing me to shoot.

Whoa whoa whoa -- using a electronic device during takeoff and landing?! Somebody has a death wish! I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the -- OMG THAT GUY'S USING A CAMERA DURING TAKEOFF -- WE'RE ALL F***ING DEAD! Could a camera really make a plane crash anyway? Because they should probably consider updating airplane instrument technology if it can. Unless I stand a chance of crash-landing on the LOST island, in which case *stuffing Nikon down pants* I'M COMING, JACOB!

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Now With More Aurora Borealis: Time-Lapse Of Flight From San Francisco To Paris In 2-Min "

Apr 8 2011 Finally!: A Decent Anti Cleavage-Wrinkle Bra

Just the right amount of coverage.

The Sleeping Beauty Bra is a $70 bra that's supposed to prevent ladies (and busty men) from waking up with wrinkles between their tits. Thankfully, I don't have a breast wrinkle problem. Balls, absolutely. Which, painful fact: they DO NOT iron out. Apparently they're dryclean only but I didn't know that BECAUSE MY GIRLFRIEND TORE THE TAG OFF.

The Sleeping Beauty Bra Dubiously Attacks Chest Wrinkles [gizmodo]

Thanks to Banana, who -- OMG, THE ONE THAT SINGS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME?! I love your stuff!

Apr 8 2011 Sadly Not You: The Tokyoflash Winners Are...

Commenter #1,705 Keith Veilleux and commenter #3,395 dimebag douglas. Congratulations guys, I'll shoot you an email this weekend for your addresses (which I may or may yes use when signing up for grocery store discount cards). Thanks to everyone who entered, I'm sure Tokyoflash appreciates the feedback on their designs. I also hope other companies take notice of the opportunity for exposure and want to give away free swag on the site. Oooooor just send me some. The Gunbrella contest starts tomorrow. Also: my period. Sorry if I'm emotional.

Tokoflash

Apr 8 2011 Black-Market Bargains: Iffy 500GB Hard Drive

I'm no expert, but that definitely doesn't look like 'HDD Inside'.

Some Ruskie, in desperate need for a little extra hard drive space to store all his commie fetish porn, drove all the way to the Russian/Chinese border to pick up a 500GB black-market Samsung. This is what he got, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt sometimes you really do get what you pay for. The seller had rigged the 128MB flash drive inside to appear as a 500GB drive when plugged into a computer, and continually delete files imported to it to make it seem the transfer was successful. No word if he returned to get his money back, but if he did my guess is the truck was already gone.

Got Screwed Of The Day [geeks.thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Jake, who once bought a camel that turned out to just be a donkey with two sacks of coffee roped to its back. HAHA -- Juan Valdez pulls another fast one!

Apr 8 2011 Unplug And Ready My Mount, Stableboy!: Segway Jousting Lottery Commercial

This is a commercial for the Washington Lottery that asks, "What have you and your friends always wanted to do?" SPOILER: Apparently joust on Segways. F*** I really need to make some new friends. Or any friends for that matter. I had an imaginary one for awhile but he liked to watch me masturbate so I locked him in a kitchen cabinet. That leaves me with my dogs. I'd like to think they're friends but I know for a fact if I died in the apartment they'd eat me AND A REAL FRIEND WOULDN'T DO THAT. *giving Chloe the stink-eye*

Hit the jump for the 'yeaaaaaah, I'd definitely not spend it on that'.

Continue Reading " Unplug And Ready My Mount, Stableboy!: Segway Jousting Lottery Commercial "

Apr 8 2011 SlobStopper: An Adult Bib For In-Car Use

But can I get one with a lobster print on the front?

The SlobStopper is an adult bib designed for in-car use so you don't scald your balls off with hot coffee or stain your dress with milk while eating a bowl of cereal and driving WHICH I'VE SEEN WITH MY OWN EYES.

Slobstopper is an adult bib meant to fix those messy spills and stains, especially for the busy, commuter lifestyle.

Made of the highest quality materials, the SlobStopper™ is constructed with two layers of PUL (polyurethane laminate), a thin absorbent fabric permanently laminated to a thin, waterproof barrier.

Made in the USA, you will not find a more durable, higher quality bib anywhere.

SlobStoppers are available in green, blue and black for $15 plus $6 shipping and make the perfect gift for absolutely nobody. God, cut a hole at the end of an old beach towel like a normal person. Doubles as a superhero cape, just sayin'!

Hit the jump for two incredibly terrible commercials.

Continue Reading " SlobStopper: An Adult Bib For In-Car Use "

Apr 8 2011 Star Trexels: 235 Pixelated Characters

Note: Slightly larger (but still very pixel-y) version HERE.

This is a chart of 235 pixelated Star Trek characters by illustrator John Martz. You can get a numbered chart HERE and try to name them all by the 12th, with the two people who can name the most receiving free prints at John's website. Here, I'll get you started:

Top row, middle: Cheetarah
Top row, fifth from right: guy in an albino Godzilla costume (I'd hit it)
Top row: third from right: She-Hulk
Last in that row: He-Man
Second row, fifth from left: invisible litterbox
Two right from that: Professor X
Three right from him: lava
Five right from it: tin man
Fourth row, second from right: Karate Kid
Eight right from him: Obi-Wan Kenobi
Fifth row, sixth from right: Indiana Jones
Two right from him: Lincoln
Last in that row: Garfield
Sixth row, first on left: Edward Scissorhands

I think that's more than enough of a head-start. No need to thank me, I've just seen a lot of Star Trek. Like, every episode.

John's Website (with prints for sale)
via
Trexels: 235 Star Trek Characters In Awesome Pixelations [bitrebels]

Thanks to Olivia, who could name them all if she wanted but she's being all coy about it and pretending she doesn't know a few.

Apr 8 2011 Suicidal Naked Man Shoots Police Robot

A suicidal naked man, obviously pissed he had no clean boxers, shot a SWAT robot with an AK-47 after it entered his home to check on him. Well you really can't blame him for that.

Authorities said a man with several guns was suicidal and threatening authorities.

Instead of risking any lives, deputies sent the $65,000 robot into the home. The robot has cameras, which record all of its actions.

The video shows the robot searching each room, its electronic eye roving from side to side while officers watch safely from a command post.

As the robot slowly pushed the man's bedroom door open, the man came out, stark naked, with an AK-47 in hand. The man then started shooting at the robot.

The robot came away with bullet holes, frayed wires and broken cables, but no one was hurt.

The man was charged with criminal mischief.

Criminal mischief, that's it?! You could at least charge him with 'burning my f***ing eyeballs out' and animal cruelty on account of that dog in the video having to deal with his wiener flopping around and FIRING AN ASSAULT RIFLE INSIDE. I say we throw the book at him. "What book?" Any of them, I don't care -- just not my copy of 'The Giving Tree'.

Actual video footage (censored) from the robot after the jump.

Continue Reading " Suicidal Naked Man Shoots Police Robot "

Apr 8 2011 I Choose You: Pokemon Wedding Proposal

Is there any better way to propose than with a Pokeball ring box? That depends on who you ask. If you ask a Pokemon fan, probably not. If you ask my grandpa, he'll probably tell you he can't hear what you're saying and start poking you in the shins with his cane for wearing sunglasses indoors. Then he'll fall asleep on the couch with the television blaring and wet his pants. I'll take a picture with my camera-phone BUT I WILL FEEL BAD ABOUT IT AFTER.

Wedding Ring Box [livejournal]

Thanks to Ashton, who chooses you...last for dodgeball because you're not very athletic.

Apr 7 2011 Holy Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii: 600MPH Ejection Seat Test

To verify the ejection system for the F-35 Lightning (first supersonic jet capable of vertical takeoff and landing) is shit-your-flightsuit ready, BAE has been testing the system on a 600MPH rocket sled. What the?! We didn't even have rocket sleds when I was growing up. When it snowed we roder down the hill behind my house on broken lawn chairs and boxes AND WERE THANKFUL. Kids these days -- I swear (like a pirate).

The new ejection system includes a seat with a rocket pack underneath, plus an "emergency transparency removal and structural severance system," which is a small explosive designed to blow apart the aircraft's canopy to clear a path for the pilot. A mere three seconds after the ejection handle is pulled, the pilot finds him or herself safely away from the plane and descending to Earth by parachute.

Now I'm not saying I have balls of steel (they're a titanium alloy), but I would ride that thing without a seatbelt. The manliest man ever or the manliest man ever? "Try stupidest." Stupidest manliest man ever? I can live with that. *snake-charming angry cobras with my pecker*

Hit the jump for a super-short (it's 600MPH!) video of a test in progress.

Continue Reading " Holy Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii: 600MPH Ejection Seat Test "

Apr 7 2011 Old Lady Severs Fiber-Optic Network Digging For Copper Cable, 3 Countries Lose Internet

A little 75-year old lady brought down the entire internet for millions of users in Armenia, Georgia and Azerbaijan after severing a fiber-optic cable while digging for copper wire to sell as scrap. GOD, GET A JOB GRANDMA!

The elderly woman is now facing a prison sentence in her native Georgia, after she reportedly did with a spade what a legion of hackers could only dream of - took down all access to the internet in neighbouring Armenia for up to 12 hours.

She reportedly faces up to three years in prison after being charged with damaging property.

'Taking into account her advancing years, she has been released pending the end of the investigation and subsequent trial,' interior ministry spokesman Zura Gvenetadze told the AFP news agency.

I mean that's pretty wild and all, but you know what the craziest part of this whole story is? There's a country called Azerbaijan. AND IT HAS THE INTERNET.

Armenia cut off from internet by old woman digging for copper [metro]

Thanks to Ickorus, frank, Carly and RenegadeChemist, who would like to extend a warm 'welcome back' to all the Geekologie readers in Eastern Europe affected by this lil ol lady's asshattery.

Apr 7 2011 Unreal 3 Platform: The 'Features' Demo Reel

This is a demo reel of some of the features included in the new Unreal 3 gaming platform that will be available to developers. It's basically 3:00 of Unreal tooting their own ultra-realistic looking horn. Admittedly, some of the stuff does look pretty unreal. "For the love of God please tell me you didn't just do that." I didn't just do that. *poot* "You're f***ing sick." WHOEVER STAKES THE CLAIM IS TO BLAME!

Hit the jump for the impressiveness.

Continue Reading " Unreal 3 Platform: The 'Features' Demo Reel "

Apr 7 2011 Zapping Long Distance: Taser Grenades

Unpleated khakis FTW!

Seen here looking suspiciously like a vibrator, an employee of Taser International shows off the company's latest creation -- a 50,000-volt taser grenade. Oh, hold on -- I'm being asked to reiterate THAT THIS IS NOT A SEXTOY. Ha! I'll be the judge of that. *wedging grenade firmly under taint*

The Daily's Justin Rocket Silverman (Rocket!) has the distinction of being the first civilian to be zapped by the new weapon, an experience he takes quite stoically, though the company wouldn't actually fire the thing at him and just shocked him with a box of Taser Grenade guts instead...The military is currently conducting tests with the projectile and police departments could be soon to follow

There's a video of dude getting shocked by the thing after the jump, which is more than a little anticlimactic considering they don't actually fire it at him (it's typically deployed from a special rifle) and instead just shock him with the innards of one. 50,000 volts? Pleaaaaase -- I've been struck by lightning before. And that, dear reader, is why you never call Zeus a Santa-bearded pussy.

Hit the jump for a video of all of Taser International's products (grenade stuff starts at 1:15).

Continue Reading " Zapping Long Distance: Taser Grenades "

Apr 7 2011 NOOOO!: Feathered Dinos Probably Had Lice

I have been itching a lot lately.

Seen here looking none too happy about it, a feathered dinosaur RAWRs in annoyance over his lice infestation. You know, it wouldn't kill you to take a mud bath every once in awhile. But it probably would kill you if earth got hit by a giant mete-- too soon?

"Our analysis suggests that both bird and mammal lice began to diversify before the mass extinction of dinosaurs," principal investigator Kevin Johnson was quoted as saying in a University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign press release. "And given how widespread lice are on birds, in particular, and also to some extent on mammals, they probably existed on a wide variety of hosts in the past, possibly including dinosaurs."

That view is strengthened in the journal paper itself. The researchers write: "These data give an early- to mid-Cretaceous origin (115 - 130 million years ago) for lice, which suggests that these parasites probably infested feathered theropod dinosaurs."

Eh, I think we can all agree that just as long as they weren't host to pubic lice it's all good. And by "it's" I mean my bush. I don't need no creepy-crawlies in my drawers! You hear that, lil phantom spider I'm convinced lives in my ass?! "Uh, GW? You probably have worms."
...
...
I did eat a raw pork chop.

Feathered Dinosaurs Probably Had Lice [discovery]

Thanks to Vanessa, who claims she once bought a Cabbage Patch Doll that had ticks. Hey, that's the risk you run buying toys at yard sales.

Apr 7 2011 Geekologie: Now With More (Read: Any At All) On-Site Facebook And Twitter Integration

4.6-billion years in the making (I like to start at the beginning), Geekologie now has Facebook and Twitter buttons on every post so you can share the site's awesomeness while minimizing clicks. "Three clicks and a copy/paste? THAT'S SOME CARPAL TUNNEL KINDA SHIT!" So yeah, start using those. Trust me, all the friends you expose to Geekologie will be impressed and think you're cool. Oooooooor some kinda wierdo. It's all good though because chicks dig weirdos. "No, we actually don't." OMG -- I'VE BEEN DOINITALLRONG.

Geekologie on Facebook
and
Geekologie on Twitter

Apr 7 2011 Perfect Ice Balls, Everytime: The Ice Ball Mold

Remember that company that was selling perfectly round ice spheres for $8 a pop? Turns out they might have just been cranking them out with this Ice Ball Mold (55mm - 85mm models range from $1,300 - $2,000 -- chintzy marble-sized 30mm mold goes for $200). But now the secret (read: product) is out and you can make them yourself! ICE BALLS -- ICE BALLS! Please note: Ice balls are not to be confused with blue balls, which are free and I'm sure you're all too familiar with. Hoho -- BURNED IN A POST ABOUT ICE!

The biggest secret of niche Japanese bars is finally making its way out to the rest of the world. Ice Ball Mold from Japan allows you to make perfectly seamless ice spheres in seconds, cooling alcohol while not diluting it due to the reduced surface area of the sphere.

Plus, even the act of making the sphere grabs attention from all around the bar as the mold presses together without electricity or heat, and makes a perfect shape for a drink "on the rock".

Wait a minute -- without electricity or heat? THEN HOW THE F*** DOES IT WORK?! "They trap an elemental ice spirit in every mold."
...
...
Okay I can't tell if you're bullshitting or not but I believe you.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a worthwhile video of the mold in action.

Continue Reading " Perfect Ice Balls, Everytime: The Ice Ball Mold "

Apr 7 2011 Bringin' It Back!: Commodore 64 To Return

That's right folks, the Commodore 64 is coming back, with updated innards in that classic "are you sure this came from a smoke-free home?" off-white plastic shell. And on the cheap! Think of it as a really cumbersome netbook with no monitor.

The new Commodore 64, which will begin shipping at the end of the month, has been souped-up for the modern age. It comes with 1.8 gigahertz dual processors, an optional Blu-ray player and built-in ethernet and HDMI ports. The new Commodore is priced between $250 to $900.

The company's Web site says that the new Commodore 64 is "a modern functional PC," and that although the guts of the device have greatly improved, the exterior is "as close to the original in design as humanly possible." Most people would not be able to visibly tell the old or new versions apart, it says.

"There are a lot of really young computer users who want to own a retro-looking computer," he said. "And of course there are those 30- to 40-year-olds who owned the original Commodore 64 and want the nostalgia of their first machine."

Obviously I underestimated the 'really brings back memories' niche of the computer buying market. Admittedly, I do like the bright red 'ON' light though. This just might be the computer I need to drug a friend, have them come-to in my basement, then convince them they're on the LOST island and have to enter a code into the Commodore terminal every 108 minutes. Then I'll sneak out the window above the washing machine and live in their apartment free of charge. Plus rename their cats! (my friends all have cats)

The New Commodore 64, Updated With Its Old Exterior [nytimes]

Thanks to Katie, Robert, John, Kezzy and Lord Tarl, who like their computers like they like their art: modern. Me? As long as they're nudes.

Apr 6 2011 SpaceX Announces Giant Private Rocket For Potential Space Tours, Field Trips To Moon

Seen here in an artist's rendition of what it might look like taking off while a golfer simultaneously shoots their way out of a sand trap, the Falcon Heavy (please note: it's never a good idea to include 'heavy', 'cumbersome', 'lumbering', or 'might explode' in the name of a rocket) has been declared ready for construction by commercial spaceflight company, SpaceX. *scheming to catch a ride like a boxcar hobo*

The Hawthorne, Calif.-based company hopes the Falcon rockets will be used to ferry astronauts to the International Space Station, and possibly beyond, after the space agency's space shuttles retire this year. SpaceX already has a $1.6 million [GW's note: billion, not million] contract to haul cargo to the space station aboard the Falcon 9.

In addition to NASA missions, the Falcon Heavy could prove useful for other commercial space ventures. For example, the Las Vegas-based Bigelow Aerospace is designing a commercial space station, and eyeing establishing a private moon base.

Such a destination would require a vehicle to help build it, as well as a rocket to ferry space tourists and other clients to and from the base.

Whoa whoa whoa -- a private moonbase?! I don't know who the hell owns 'Las Vegas-based Bigelow Aerospace', but you better 100% believe they're an aspiring supervillain. Private moonbase -- what is this, a James Bond movie? And, if so, where's Uranus Galore? I'M INTO BUTTS.

Huge Private Rocket Could Send Astronauts to the Moon or Mars [space]

Thanks to Mr. Fancy, who, while perfectly capable of piloting a rocket, prefers to be chauffeured. Damn you're classy!

Apr 6 2011 Pretty F'in Iffy: DIY Homemade Superpowers

These are three picture tutorials for making your own homemade superhero/villain accessories. This one's Cyclops' laser vision, but there's Magneto's bucket-helmet and Wolverine's claws after the jump. While admittedly impressive, I've always fancied myself more of a Dazzler. A Bedazzler! *showin' off mom-butt in rhinestone jeans* Just kidding, I'm not actually a Bedazzler. Bedwhizzler, absolutely. "Pissing the bed's not a superpower." WELL WHAT THE HELL IS IT THEN?! "Pathetic." Superpowthetic? "No." What if I told you I also get a lot of bloody noses?

Hit the jump for Magneto and Wolverine.

Continue Reading " Pretty F'in Iffy: DIY Homemade Superpowers "

Apr 6 2011 You Did It Right: News Host Convinces Cohost To Lick iPad As Part Of April Fools' Prank

I'd like to think the 69 in that box was part of the gag too.

This is a video of a local Fox news host convincing his cohost (or his host. Or maybe they're both hosts and there is no cohost -- the point is I'm not sexist) that there's a new iPhone/iPad app that allows you to taste and smell different foods through the use of energy emitting piezo-electrics. They even made a little graphic mock-up explaining how the technology works to make the bit more believable. The rest, as they say, is iPad licking history. "Nobody's ever said that." Oh yeah? Well nobody's ever said they've loved me either. BOOM -- GW casts 'sadness outta nowhere'.

Hit the jump for the very worthwhile "damn lady, you got had hard."

Continue Reading " You Did It Right: News Host Convinces Cohost To Lick iPad As Part Of April Fools' Prank "

Apr 6 2011 What's My Recommended Daily Allowance?: New Mineral 'Wassonite' Discovered

Seen here looking suspiciously like a whale being eaten by a giant squid, recent research into an Antarctic meteorite discovered in 1969 (beer, sex, sin, wine -- we're the class of '69!) has revealed a new mineral with a unique crystalline structure, wassonite. Great, and right after I finished building my exoskeletal suit out of cardboard. I knew I should have waited!

The amount of the new mineral found in the 4.5-billion-year-old meteorite was tiny -- less than one-hundredth as wide as a human hair. Still, that was enough to excite the researchers who announced the discovery Tuesday (April 5).

"Wassonite is a mineral formed from only two elements, sulfur and titanium, yet it possesses a unique crystal structure that has not been previously observed in nature," NASA space scientist Keiko Nakamura-Messenger said in a statement.

No word if the new mineral will prove to be some superhero's ultimate weakness, but you better believe I'm going to pose as a caterer at the 2012 Superhero Summit on Crime Prevention and find out. MWAHAHAHAHA -- LOS ANGELES WILL BE MINE! Theeeeeeeeen I'll give it back because it's a giant shithole.

4.5-Billion-Year-Old Antarctic Meteorite Yields New Mineral [space]

Thanks to neolardo, who refuses to acknowledge new outerspace minerals until Pluto is given its planetary status back. And to Blastphemer, not to be confused with Blastphlegmer who once hocked a loogie over six miles.

Apr 6 2011 Enter To Win: Tokyoflash Watch Giveaway

Okay, so I've got two Tokyoflash Kisai Console watches (retail value ~$175) to give away. All you need to do is go to the Tokyoflash website, pick your favorite model, then leave a comment on this post with said model name to be entered (JUST SAYING 'WANT' WILL GET YOU DISQUALIFIED #'s 1 and 2). Make sure to use a valid email address in the address box or I won't be able to contact you (I lost your home #) if you win. ONE ENTRY PER EMAIL ADDRESS. I'll choose two winners via random number generator and then search your email to verify you didn't use it more than once. If you did I WILL PUBLICLY RIDICULE YOU. Everyone will throw rocks just like at the end of The Lottery. Obviously, you'll never work in this town again. I'm really hoping other companies see what a great idea it is to give away free swag on Geekologie so we can have more contests. I already have three Gunbrellas to give away early next week. So yeah, good luck, the contest ends Friday, April 8th at noon Pacific. I'll announce the winners that afternoon BEFORE SPENDING THE WEEKEND AT THE HOSPITAL IN SURGERY. God I'm selfless. Back me up, Mother Teresa. "Meh." Oh you would.

Tokyoflash

Geekologie Contest Rules

Apr 6 2011 Lock The Door, Bomb The Building: Humanoid Robots Now Holding Their Own Meetings

Seen here with their human doppelgangers (standing), a group of Geminoid robots telepathically plot the deaths of their caretakers so they can take over their lives and herald the rise of the machines. I don't know about you, but I, for one, do NOT welcome our new robotic overlords. I do welcome constructive criticism though. *email ding* Oh -- here's one now. "Keep gobblin' those dongs, homo." Awesome, I think I can really use this to better my writing. Oooooooor pull the sheets over my head and sob into a pillow for the rest of the afternoon (it's one of those days).

Hit the jump for a two-minute sneak peek of the 2028 UN Convention on Climate Change.

Continue Reading " Lock The Door, Bomb The Building: Humanoid Robots Now Holding Their Own Meetings "

Apr 6 2011 Hoarder!: Junky Computer Parts Coffee Table

Note: Worthwhile full-res shots HERE for all you junk fetishists.

This is the Binary Low Table from BRC Designs. If it looks like a bunch of crappy old computer parts hot-glued to a coffee table, congratulations, your vision's 20/20. If it looks like something you'd actually want around your house, congratulations -- you're a f***ing hoarder.

Inspired by pallets of obsolete computers and electronics that were collecting dust in a local warehouse. The table structure is made from the metal from computer towers that are riveted together and bent to the proper form. The surface is completely covered with a collage of motherboards, computer chips, led screens and hard drive disks held in place by sheet metal screws. The glass from the table was salvaged from an abandoned warehouse.

Oh man, if there's one thing I love it's a coffee table that, every time you accidentally kick, pieces go flying off. The vacuum is gonna love all those little parts! Kidding, I don't even own a real vacuum. Ever seen a dog shit transistors?

Hit the jump for one more small closeup in case you gave up clicking high-res links for Lent.

Continue Reading " Hoarder!: Junky Computer Parts Coffee Table "

Apr 6 2011 YES: A Foot-Operated Bathroom Door Handle

I hate public restrooms. Most guys in stalls don't even bother trying to muffle their farts EVEN WHEN THEY KNOW THEY'RE NOT ALONE. Plus they smell. Plus there's piss all over the floor. Plus dudes get all freaked out if you try to make eye contact and small-talk at a urinal (especially if you're not peeing). Long story short: I'd rather shit my pants than use a public toilet (and I do -- on the reg).

Enter the Toepener Bathroom Door Handle. It won't solve any of the problems I just mentioned, but you will leave the bathroom with only your own penis-germs on your hands (don't act like you wash!). Unfortunately, it only works on doors with no latch, because it's not a functional handle -- just a hook. $50 hooks. Me? I only go to the men's room to wash my hands, and when I'm finished I grab the handle with the same paper towels I just used to dry, then throw them in the trashcan once I've got the door opened wide enough. Or, if there's no trashcan nearby, I throw them on the floor. I'm sure janitors understand my plight.

Actual Product Site (yes, they're really $50)
via
Foot-Handle for Public Restrooms [neatorama]

Thanks to Lindsey, who's never seen the inside of a men's room before and doesn't want to start now. Smart girl.

Apr 6 2011 Uh-Oh: Cows Genetically Modified With People DNA To Produce More Human-like Milk

Don't 'moo' at me like you're some sort of classy heifer -- you've got shit on your leg!

Because there's less than zero regulations for genetic manipulation in China (make me a superhero already, God), a team of researchers there have spliced human DNA into cow embryos so, when older, they produce milk much more similar in nutrition to that of humans. Yeaaaaaaaaaah (rich, chocolatey Ovaltine FTW).

The reason that Chinese researchers have introduced human genes into cows is to enable them to produce an adequate substitute for human breast milk, since baby formula doesn't offer the same benefits. That said, there's no reason you couldn't drink it, and according to the researchers, "the milk tastes stronger than normal milk," whatever that means.

To get the human bits into the cows, Holstein dairy cow embryos had their DNA modified using cloning techniques. The clones were implanted into surrogates, and so far about 300 of these "humanized" cows have been created. Their milk boasts a much higher nutritional content, 20% more fat, and a variety of proteins that boost immune systems in human babies.

Hey, I'm all for a better substitute for human breast milk than formula (E = mc²), but splicing human DNA into cows to produce it? I'm not sure how I feel about that. *contemplating* Call me when it makes their udders look like tits and we'll talk.

Genetically modified cows produce human breast milk [dvice]

Thanks to Kirk, who got to milk a cow on a school field trip once.

Apr 5 2011 Pedal To The Medal!: Clever Hot Wheels Ad

Note: Full-res version HERE in case you want to try to read cars' license plates (you still can't though is the thing).

This is a Hot Wheels ad installation from Bogota, Colombia featuring a fake loopty-loop on an overpass. I'm not sure if it was designed to sell toy cars or make people step on the gas and drive recklessly on an overpass, but I assume a combination of both. Unfortunately, my car feels like the engine's going to drop out at any speed over 50, which is why I just taped a bunch of fireworks to the spoiler to get enough momentum to complete the loop. The only question is, which three of you are going to lay in the trunk while I do it? You know, for proper balance. I know stuff -- I took honor's physics in high school. Sure I failed, but still. I'll spray you all with champagne afterward if we don't die horrible deaths!

Hit the jump for a couple pictures of the installation in progress.

Continue Reading " Pedal To The Medal!: Clever Hot Wheels Ad "

Apr 5 2011 WE'RE NOT ALONE: All The Alien Planets Found By NASA's Kepler Space Probe

Note: Larger version HERE in case you're convinced if you just zoom in you might spot an alien.

This is a shot depicting all 1,235 potential alien planets located by the Kepler space probe to date. The planets are actually just the tiny black dots though, the big balls are the stars they orbit, to scale. So, how many do you think are hosts to alien life? "ALL OF THEM -- EVERY SINGLE ONE!!" God you're a f***ing spaz.

The illustration shows all of Kepler's candidate planets -- which await confirmation by follow-up observations -- crossing the face of their host stars. This provides scale, and it's also a nod to Kepler's planet-hunting strategy: The spacecraft detects alien worlds by measuring the telltale dips in a star's brightness that occur during these planetary "transits."

To date, Kepler has discovered 1,235 possible planets, with 54 of those candidates located within the so-called "Goldilocks zone" -- that just-right range of distances around a star in which liquid water could exist on a planet's surface.

Based on the amazing wealth of planet candidates from Kepler, astronomers have estimated that our Milky Way galaxy could hold as many as 50 billion alien planets, with 2 billion of those perhaps being about the size of Earth.

50 billion planets IN OUR GALAXY ALONE? I can't even fathom that. "Pfft, you can't even fathom making change for a dollar." OMG COINS ARE SO COMPLICATED.

New Image Is Worth 1,235 Potential Alien Planets [space]

Thanks to Mr. Fancy, who only hopes aliens dress as fine as he does.

Apr 5 2011 Lady Builds LEGO Pirate Ship In A Bottle

This is a LEGO ship in a bottle built by Julia Morley. There's a worthwhile time-lapse video of its construction after the jump, which is pretty impressive. FIRE THE CANNONS! Just kidding, there aren't actually any cannons except in my imagination. Also, buttass-naked mermaids. Which -- did you know mermaids actually have barnacles for nipples? FACT. Some people think they have starfish but those people are idiots AND HAVE OBVIOUSLY NEVER GONE DEEP-SEA FISHING WITH DYNAMITE.

Julia says she took a week to plan the ship, using Bricksmith software, all the while being careful to make sure she could "build it back to front using only bricks that were able to fit through the neck of the bottle." Building it took three days.

That reminds me -- did I ever tell you about the time I found a message in a bottle on the beach? Just kidding, it wasn't a message it was a genie. He told me he'd been sealed away for over a thousand years and would grant me three wishes if I just gave him an HJ. "Well?" WELL HE F***ING LIED.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video. No clue why she ended up deciding to remove the second mast, I was digging it. Also, you may want to watch the video on silent depending on how you feel about Donovan.

Continue Reading " Lady Builds LEGO Pirate Ship In A Bottle "

Apr 5 2011 Taint That The Truth!: Length of A Man's Gooch Directly Related To His Fertility

Note: Picture unrelated but by far one of the least offensive things I saw while searching Google images for something appropriate. I'm f***ing scarred, yo.

According to a recent study, the length of a man's taint is directly related to his fertility, with shorter measurements having a significantly greater chance of being infertile. Whew! (Mine's a solid half-marathon)

The dimension in question is not penis or testicle size, but a measurement known as anogenital distance, or AGD.

Men whose AGD is shorter than the median length -- around 2 inches (52 mm) -- have seven times the chance of being sub-fertile as those with a longer AGD, according to a study published on Friday in the journal Environmental Health Perspectives.

That distance, measured from the anus to the underside of the scrotum, is linked to male fertility, including semen volume and sperm count, the study found. The shorter the AGD, the more likely a man was to have a low sperm count.

Wow -- AGD, huh? You learn something new everyday. Unfortunately, like in this case, it's usually something about other dudes' dicks and balls.

Key genital measurement linked to male fertility [reuters]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, who's so fertile he can't find a doctor willing to perform a vasectomy for fear of getting everyone in the hospital pregnant during the procedure.

Apr 5 2011 Fergie Rocking A LEGO Gladiator Dress

I don't typically cover celebrities because that's not my job, but they don't usually wear shit made out of LEGO either. So here's Fergie looking suspiciously like she colored her eyes with Magic Marker at Nickelodeon's 24th Annual Kids' Choice (Pokémon, I Choose You!) Awards. The dress is surprisingly not that bad. Well, minus that stupid-looking shoulder pad bit. Why they decided to include that in the design is beyond me. "Really bad shoulder acne." Wow. Excuse me while I vomit uncontrollably.

Picture [yahootv]

Thanks to neolardo and T.J.O., who are only allowed to dress in DUPLO blocks because otherwise they'll try to eat the pieces. Edible undies FTW!

Apr 5 2011 WonderCon Cosplay Roundup Videos

Here's a couple videos from last weekend's San Francisco WonderCon 2011 showcasing all the cosplayers that attended. The first video is all footage from Friday, the second from Saturday, and the third focuses on a female Green Lantern the cameraman obviously had some sort of unhealthy crush on despite her flicking him off. Way to keep it creepy, bro. At least tell me you didn't follow her around collecting pieces of hair.
...
Anytime now -- go ahead and tell me you didn't.
...
...
You're make a voodoo love doll aren't you?

Hit the jump for the worthwhile videos.

Continue Reading " WonderCon Cosplay Roundup Videos "

Apr 5 2011 DIY Zelda Treasure Chest With Sound Effects

Want to make your own Zelda treasure chest complete with 'opening' sound effect? Well now you can, provided you're still in your parents' good graces and one of them agrees to supervise so you don't wind up supergluing your genitals to a kitchen stool again. A list of supplies:

1/4" Pine plywood. You can use whatever type of wood you want, but pine looks nice and is relatively cheap.

You'll need enough wood to cut out the following pieces:

Two 5.5" x 10.5" pieces
One 8" x 10.5" base piece
Two 8.5 x 5.5" pieces
Five 2 7/16" x 11" slats

Also you will need two 6 sided half a decagon pieces. This sounds confusing but I've included a template to cut these pieces out. Print the template out and cut the pieces to be 8" wide at the base.

You'll also need:

Wood glue
Black poster board
A cheap mp3 player
Treasure chest opening mp3
Soldering iron
Solder and flux
Some small gauge wire (20 or 22 gauge will work)
SPDT lever switch from radio shack
Small audio amp. I used a cheap ipod speaker amp from the pharmacy.
Enough Black felt to line the inside of the chest, about eight 8 1/2" x 11" sheets.
150 black furniture nails.
Ruler
Long straight edge
A couple black sharpie markers.
Hot glue gun
Super glue
Minwax Red Oak woodstain
Brush to apply stain with
Pliers or wire cutters
A couple of hinges.
Furniture clamps
A means to cut your wood.

Wow, a functional Zelda treasure chest has never seemed further from my grasp. Time for Plan B: go without.

Hit the jump for a super-short video of the box in action.

Continue Reading " DIY Zelda Treasure Chest With Sound Effects "

Apr 4 2011 Bad Ideas: The Dog-Walking Leash Gun

The Povodokus is a conceptual dog leash that makes it look like you're shooting your dog. HAHA -- SO FUNNY. Because there's nothing better than strolling your dog around the neighborhood with something that looks like a gun to get the cops called. "Hello, 911? Remember that guy I keep calling about? The one I suspect is growing weed and likes to park his car in other people's yards? Yeah, him. Well now he's patrolling the neighborhood with a dog and handgun. It doesn't look like a 'neighborhood watch' kind of situation either. Okay now his dog's shitting on the sidewalk. Oh -- oh God, he's not picking it up. HE'S NOT PICKING IT UP!! Send Robocop, STAT.

Hit the jump for two more shots of the only dog leash that'll get you tased by the 5-0.

Continue Reading " Bad Ideas: The Dog-Walking Leash Gun "

Apr 4 2011 Sneak Peep At The New X-Men Anime Series

This is a sneaky peep of the 1:00 opening credits to the new X-Men anime series. Granted it's no Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opener, but what are you gonna do? SPOILER: Get high and watch DuckTales.

Madhouse's X-Men anime finally kicked off in Japan on Friday, making the wait for G4's planned summer premiere in the US (which will also be joined by the Iron Man and Wolverine anime series) all the more excruciating for excited fans. Antsy otaku can take some comfort in the new opening credits footage, which not only provides a proper visual to the show's synopsis, but also provides glimpses of Jean Grey's rise and fall as Phoenix/Dark Phoenix.

Sure, catching a glimpse of Jean Grey's rise and fall as Pheonix/Dark Phoenix is cool and all, but you know what would've been even cooler? Catching a glimpse of her underwear. Or, I dunno, maybe even a little nip. Not beast's though, I heard his are the size of dinner plates. Big hairy blue dinner plates. Now I know what you're thinking, and yes, one time Wolverine did trick Cyclops into licking them.

Hit the jump to get your Saturday morning on.

Continue Reading " Sneak Peep At The New X-Men Anime Series "

Apr 4 2011 Super Mario Magic: Beating Four Mario Games At Once With A Single Controller's Input

This is a video of a guy allegedly beating four Mario games at once (1, 2, 2 Japan aka The Lost Levels and 3) using a single controller input in an 11-minute tool-assisted speed run. I'm not gonna lie, just watching it made my head 'esplode. Ears too. I actually took the time to read some of the comments on Youtube and people were (unsurprisingly) calling it fake on account of some of the jumps looking mistimed, so who knows. Only God and the guy who made the video, that's who. Personally, I'd like to believe it's real. Of course I'd also like to believe the Tooth Fairy's real because I just chiseled out a couple molars in the back that I don't really use. What do you think adult teeth are worth anyways? "The tooth fairy is your parents." WHAT IN THE -- so.like a buck apiece?

UPDATE, per commenter Otto: It's not fake, it's a TAS. TAS = Tool Assisted Speedrun. Basically, instead of playing the game, the person puts the button presses in with frame level timing, so that the game plays itself. By adjusting the timing of the presses, you can sometimes achieve strange effects by doing things that are impossible with an actual controller. So what's happening here is that the guy made a set of presses that worked on all four games simultaneously. He exploits the timing a bunch so that some jumps needed for one guy happen when the other guy is in the air or between levels or whatever. The moving backwards on one while forwards on another can be achieved in some games by doing things like pressing both left and right at the same time, which is impossible to do with a controller, but totally doable if you're controlling what button is being pressed at the frame timing level. So no, it's not fake, but it is using tricks that you can't actually do with a real controller.

Hit the jump for more than ten-minutes of WTFery (plus game-endings!)

Continue Reading " Super Mario Magic: Beating Four Mario Games At Once With A Single Controller's Input "

Apr 4 2011 What If...Pokemon Were Much More Realistic

This is a Cracked cartoon showing a much more realistic version of a Pokemon battle. SPOILER: It's depressing. I had to tell myself not to cry which was all kinds of awkward because everyone at Starbucks started giving me the stink-eye like I was some sort of schizophrenic self-talker. Thankfully, I was able to play it off by sticking a coffee lid to my ear and pretending it was a Bluetooth headset. Me: "There, there, baby, don't cry. So what if scientists just verified I'm the world's greatest lover -- I'm all yours. Huh? Of course -- that too! Oh you want me to say it? It's actually kind of busy in he-- fine. Baby I am all yours INCLUDING THAT PENIS OF MINE THAT GOES ON FOR MILES." *winks at barrista, who points to the door*

Hit the jump for the 1:00 cartoon.

Continue Reading " What If...Pokemon Were Much More Realistic "

Apr 4 2011 Damn Nature You Cray-Cray: Batman Crab

You're not fooling anybody!

Note: Larger version HERE in case you want to make it your desktop background.

In other 'animals that look like things' news, this is a crab casting a shadow that looks uncannily like the caped crusader (Batman, not the kid that runs around your neighborhood at night with a bedsheet tied around his neck). Except, instead of being filled with a sense of vigilante justice stemming from the senseless murder of his parents, he's filled with delicious crabmeat. "That's not the kind you eat, GW." WRONG -- I eat them all. You know how monkeys pick and eat ticks off each other? I do that with pubic crabs.

Batcrab! [reddit]

Thanks to Louis and dandy, who once used a homemade Bat-signal spotlight to trick a bunch of Batcrabs out of the ocean and onto the beach where they scooped them up with a bulldozer and boiled them in a kiddy pool.

Apr 4 2011 "Functional" Iron Man Mark V Briefcase Suit

Uh, is that Bumblebee hiding in the corner?

I put functional in quotations because the boot-jets don't work, it won't stop a single bullet (or rock), and the arc reactor is just a bunch of LEDs. Oh, and the briefcase looks like a homemade bomb. Besides that though, totally legit. The suit consists of 384 individual pieces of armor, over 4,000 LEGO Technix pieces and took more than 1,200 man-hours (that's like 2,000+ woman-hours) to design and construct. 1,200 hours -- good lord, that's 50 days. I haven't spent 50 days making anything! Unless 'my friends and family disappointed' counts, in which case I've been at that shit for years.

Hit the jump for a video of the briefcase to Iron Man suit transformation in action (complete with dryer-vent pipe arms!)

Continue Reading " "Functional" Iron Man Mark V Briefcase Suit "

Apr 4 2011 Needs Syrup: 'Pancake' Stingray Discovered

This is an x-ray of a new species of stingray discovered in the Amazon dubbed the 'pancake' stingray (photo explanation after the jump -- SPOILER: It looks like a giant f***ing pancake). I assume the hunt is still on for a waffle stingray, which is good news because they'll probably be able to hold more syrup. And syrup, my friends, makes a great last-minute lube breakfast worth eating. Cereal bars with that fake milk shit not so much. Carnation Instant Breakfast is okay unless you just snort the powder. Then it's not okay. It IS habit forming though. Chocolate boogies FTW!

Hit the jump for a shot of the pancake from above looking way more breakfast-y.

Continue Reading " Needs Syrup: 'Pancake' Stingray Discovered "

Apr 4 2011 Pixelated Privates: Custom 8-Bit Pantyhose

These are 8-bit pantyhose. Despite breaking out my magnifying glass (this monitor's just a bunch of colored dots!!!!!!11), I can't tell if they're real or not (I think they're black printed on white though). Oooooor they're just Photoshopped. Whichever the case, Mario just popped a raging rectangular boner about them. What do you know -- I guess dreams really do come true! Unfortunately, mine was the one about waking up with a spider in my mouth.

8-bit pantyhose [sogeekchic]

Thanks to Sarah, who rocks 16-bit pantyhose. Damn, fancy pants! Or should I say, fancy pantyhoses? Nothing -- just keep my big mouth shut? Sorry.

Apr 2 2011 Doctor Folds And Flies Mini-Paper Airplane With Da Vinci Robot's Surgical Pincers

Penny pincers. Get it?! Me neither, the guy next to me at Starbucks told me to say it and he's been in the bathroom for 40 minutes now which is bad news.

This is a video of a surgeon from Swedish Hospital in Seattle (THAT MAKES ZERO SENSE) showing off the dexterity of a Da Vinci robotic surgery system by folding a tiny paper airplane and throwing it around. It's not as impressive as the Japanese scientist who folded the origami crane using a da Vinci, but let's not kid ourselves -- the Japanese are better at everything. But especially ninja-ing. Don't believe me? Go check your closet.

Well? "No ninja." They're that f***ing good -- there were actually four.

Hit the jump for the surgical paper-folding in action.

Continue Reading " Doctor Folds And Flies Mini-Paper Airplane With Da Vinci Robot's Surgical Pincers "

Apr 1 2011 Suck It, Prohibition!: Sweet Beer-Brewing Kit

If you're like me you make gin in the bathtub. It does the trick, but more often than not you end up with a bottle with pubes and a washcloth in it. Plus it tastes like apricot facial scrub. Enter the $1,900 Synergy Home Beer Brewing System. It's not your granpappy's moonshine still!

It offers no-nonsense looks thanks to professional TIG welded, 304 stainless steel construction, and features swiveling, lockable casters, an FDA-approved lower shelf for pumps and chillers, two 155,000 BTU propane burners with separate controls, a mash tun, hot liquor tank, and a boil kettle -- all the tools you need to create pro-quality beer, conveniently placed on four wheels.

Plus -- PLUS -- it looks like a meth lab so when your inlaws come to visit you can stay up the night before so you look all cracked out and when they get there mumble about "getting mixed up with the wrong group of people". Then, in their daughter's best interest, they'll call the police on you. When the po-po arrive you can just explain it's a beer-brewing kit and you were playing a trick on your inlaws because you hate their guts. After having a good laugh, the cops will notice a half-smoked joint in an ashtray and nail your ass to the wall. Unless you live here in LA, in which case THAT SHIT'S LEGAL AND YOU CAN FINISH IT ON THE COUCH WHILE THEY LET THEMSELVES OUT.

Product Site (on Etsy!)
via
Synergy Home Beer Brewing System [uncrate]

Thanks to Chris, who makes beer the old fashioned way: he doesn't. He goes to 7-11, drops a six-pack of cans on the floor, and then asks the cashier if he can get some sort of scratch-and-dent discount.

Apr 1 2011 Three Dudes Singing Cartoon Theme Songs

Less teeth, guy on the right!

This is a video of three dudes singing the theme songs to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Duck Tales and Pokemon cartoons. They're very...expressive. Like in a show choir-y kinda way. Plus I don't know what they did to the frame-rate of the video but that shit game me a seizure. My roommate came home from work, took one look at me, one look at the video on my computer, and assumed I'd passed out masturbating to some sort of gay porn again.

Hit the jump for the 'better to just listen to than watch' video.

Continue Reading " Three Dudes Singing Cartoon Theme Songs "

Apr 1 2011 Dad Makes Custom Sci-Fi Character Growth Chart For Daughter's First Birthday

Note: Click HERE for a full-size 7' version of the chart in case you want to print it out and tape on a bedroom wall to make love to or whatever.

A geeky father, excited about his daughter's upcoming first birthday, decided to make her a geeky growth chart. This is her him standing by it. In case you can't tell, it measures height in tribbles, Yoda, R2-D2, Frodo, Princess Leia, a Dalek, Spock and Darth Vader. Me? I'm a solid Spock. With tribble balls. No -- R2-D2's.

Geeky Dad -- with another link to download a program that'll split the poster into pieces you can easily print. Also, to donate a couple bucks to his daughter's college fund for providing you with a free-of-charge growth chart.

Thanks to Mary, who prefers a more metric system of measuring height.

Apr 1 2011 Sticky Business: Packing Tape Art Contest

Sticky business -- wocka wocka wocka!

Packing tape: it's not just for holding my phone together anymore. In an effort to provide an unconventional means for artists to display their talent sell the everliving shit out of some packing tape, Scotch (the adhesive company, not the old-man drink that makes me feel warm and happy inside -- then violent and destructive) is running a contest to showcase the tape's versatility...or something. I don't know man -- I'm blogging from the bar.

The models had to be made using Scotch packaging tape and the winning entry will receive £3,100 when judging takes place next month.

The entries are typically made from between 30 and 50 rolls of tape and take days to complete.

They are made by sticking bits of tape together in a 'free-form' style or by wrapping them around objects which are then removed from the piece.

Other materials, such as wire, cardboard and paint, can make up to ten per cent of the model if used to support or enhance it.

'Many of the entrants photograph their sculptures in settings that help to bring their pieces to life, which helps us all to relate them.

"Bringing pieces to life and relating to them"? What is this, Pinocchio? And, if so, somebody wanna make me a love-doll? Preferably one without a mouth. "But that eliminates an entire entrance hole!" Not worth it -- I SAID NO MOUTH. Big ears a must.

Hit the jump for a bunch more, including one that I'm fairly certain is a gangbang.

Continue Reading " Sticky Business: Packing Tape Art Contest "

Apr 1 2011 SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!: Watch As Four 18" Subwoofers SHRED A PHONEBOOK

Note: Possible speaker damage due to low bass, adjust volume accordingly.

This is a guy shredding a phonebook WITH NOTHING BUT THE FORCE OF BASE. "It's bass, not base." Uh, I'm pretty sure bass is just some kind of fish aside, who knew music had the power to destroy? *tapes boombox to neighbor's pedovan, waits for it to rattle itself apart* Okay I might need some more D batteries.

Hit the jump for the video, but skip to 2:45 for the phonebook carnage (everything prior is dude explaining how phat the system is).

Continue Reading " SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!!: Watch As Four 18" Subwoofers SHRED A PHONEBOOK "

Apr 1 2011 Not April Fools :( Bagged Keychain Turtles

Hang in there, Michelangelo!

As reported back in June 2008, Chinese street vendors have been selling bagged keychain fish for awhile now, but have since also moved to keychain turtles. WTF!?!? Zombie Jonathan is probably crying his lil' turtle-liking heart out right now!

Filled with colored water, each 7-centimeter long key ring encapsulated either one Brazil turtle or two small kingfish, and is filled with "nutrient rich" water, by which vendors claim allow the animals to live for several months.

Several months?! Those poor bastards won't last a week! Sooooooooo -- hypothetically speaking, how long do you think a street vendor could last in a car trunk? Also, what's the rule about carry-ons filled with zip-ties and duct tape on international flights? I'm asking for a friend. Okay, five friends (f*** yeah Master Splinter's coming!)

A couple more pics of the sadness after the jump.

Continue Reading " Not April Fools :( Bagged Keychain Turtles "

Apr 1 2011 Attractive: A Map Of Earth's Gravitational Fields

ATTRACTIVE LIKE MAGNETS. PLUS PRETTY!

Am, uh, am I the only one here that didn't know the earth was magnetic? "Oh God, tell me you're joking." APRIL FOOLS'!!!!!11 No but seriously that was news to me.

A European spacecraft has mapped the Earth's gravity with unrivalled precision - a feat that may ultimately help scientists predict earthquakes.

Scientists say the images will be crucial in measuring ocean circulation, sea-level change and ice dynamics - all driven by gravity - as the planet warms in response to climate change.

From the measurements, scientists have created a computer model called a geoid that shows what the Earth would look like if its shape was altered to make gravity equal at every point - an "ideal global ocean".

The map, revealed by scientists from the European Space Agency at a workshop in Munich this week, shows the areas of strongest gravity in yellow and the weakest in blue.

A geoid, huh? More like an Everlasting Gobstopper! *licking monitor* Mmmm, tastes like Mountain Dew! "Of course it does numbnuts, I can see where you spilled Dew on the screen." Wait -- now it's Cheetos! "Trying to grab 3-D internet titties?" THEY LOOK SO REAL.

Gravity's impact on Earth revealed in brilliant colour [sydneymorningherald]

Thanks to Joseph, who agrees this is all a conspiracy BECAUSE MAGNETS DON'T STICK TO THE GROUND. Try explaining that one, "science"!

Apr 1 2011 Magic Beans Keep Coffee The Perfect Temp

Seen here keeping a non-drug using friend's urine just the right temperature before smuggling it into a piss test, magic Coffee Joulies were designed to cool coffee to a drinkable temperature 3x faster, then keep it there 2x longer. Sound like boner pills to me.

Coffee Joulies are stainless steel coffee beans with a special phase change metal inside of them. 'Phase change' just means that it's a metal that goes from solid to liquid and back again, but doing that is a lot of work, and the metal sucks up a substantial amount of heat when it melts. This means that when you drop one of these beans into hot coffee, the bean's insides will melt and the coffee will get cooler.

The melted nugaty centers of those beans will slowly release their pent-up heat back into your coffee after they've melted, helping to keep it from getting all cold and gross. The upshot of all of this phase changing is that Coffee Joulies can cool your coffee down to a comfortable 130 or 140 degrees Fahrenheit three times faster, and then keep it at that temperature for about twice as long.

Sure, why not? The guys that invented them have a Kickstarter page where, instead of just donating money, you can pre-order a set of five magic beans for $40 to help get manufacturing started. Me? I don't need any magic beans -- I like my coffee like I like my nipples: steamy and being blown on.

One more closeup of the 'Jack is jealous' after the jump. Huh? JACK AND THE BEANSTALK YO, GET WITH IT!

Continue Reading " Magic Beans Keep Coffee The Perfect Temp "