Mar 31 2011 Monster Energy: Now With More Dead Mickey

Energy AND protein -- I'm down.

19-year old liar Vitaliy Sulzhik claims he found a dead mouse in the bottom of a Monster Energy drink. YOU SHUT THE F*** UP VITTLES -- I USE THOSE THINGS FOR CHASERS SOMETIMES!

Vitaliy Sulzhik had downed the energy drink shortly after buying it, only to feel 'debris' in his mouth as he finished the can.

The 19-year-old inspected the bottom of his drink and saw the tip of a mouse tail sitting at the bottom.

'Then I looked in the can and I saw the tip of the tail and I vomited everywhere.

'Anytime anyone talks about monster, I just get that sick feeling in my stomach.

Mr Sulzhik has been unable to drink anything from a can in the year since the incident, he said.

I'm actually with you, Vitaliy. One time I was emptying a Shlitz can into a mug (I'm a classy broad) at a bar and, no lie: A GIANT LOOGIE POURED OUT. I haven't been able to drink anything but wine coolers since. "HA -- I bet you just made that up just so you can drink that girly shit!" I DID NOT. Besides, it was just a phase, I don't even like those anymore. "Then why are your lips red?" I BLEW THE KOOL-AID MAN MIND YOUR BUSINESS, GOD!

News report complete with more nastiness after the jump.

Continue Reading " Monster Energy: Now With More Dead Mickey "

Mar 31 2011 Historic Rap Battles: Einstein Vs. Hawking

This is a rap battle between Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking. It was surprisingly well made (I don't expect anything to be well made anymore). The only thing I didn't like was Einstein talking so much smack on my man Hawking for his disability. Low blows, especially coming from the man with a theory of relative-ity. RELATIVE-ITY, get it? HE MARRIED A F***ING COUSIN! A first one. Haha -- doesn't sound so smart now, does he?! (Hawking FTW)

Hit the jump for angsty scientists trying to tell each other off.

Continue Reading " Historic Rap Battles: Einstein Vs. Hawking "

Mar 31 2011 FINALLY -- Huffable Meat: J & D's BaconAir

J&D's, the same company that brought us bacon mayonnaise, bacon lip balm, bacon envelopes and bacon popcorn, is back at it, this time with huffable bacon-flavored oxygen. But, before I go any further, TOMORROW IS APRIL FOOLS' DAY -- don't let anybody fool you. So on that note, this is probably fake. Oooooooor it could be real. God knows I've already seen even crazier shit this week (a stray cat f***ing a dog on a leash). Allegedly the product was inspired by these huffable chocolates and is shipping soon for $9. *reading product site* "95% pure Himalayan oxygen". FAKE! FAKE AS HALF THE TITS IN HOLLYWOOD. Still, if it turns out not to be you should definitely only use it after igniting the spray. You know, for that authentic smoked bacon flavor. Kidding, I want you to melt your face off.

News report and link to iffy product site after the jump. Feel free to fool your friends (they're all dicks anyways).

Continue Reading " FINALLY -- Huffable Meat: J & D's BaconAir "

Mar 31 2011 'Never Seen Star Wars!?': A (Bad) Short Film

This is a short (1:14 -- thank God) film about a young couple getting to know each other when the dude finds out the girl hasn't seen any Star Wars movies. It's pretty terrible. But I had to watch it thanks to tipster Karin (WHO I WILL TRACK DOWN VIA IP ADDRESS) and now you do too. Speaking of which -- I actually have several friends (friends! good one GW) who've never seen a Star Wars movie before, but do I hold it against them? No. A knife to their throats until they've seen the originals, sure, but I'm a notoriously violent friend. PICK ME UP AT 8 OR I'LL KILL YOU.

Hit the jump for the video, but not before putting your disappointed pants on.

Continue Reading " 'Never Seen Star Wars!?': A (Bad) Short Film "

Mar 31 2011 The Illustrated Popularity Of Web Browsers

Note: The world didn't end in the spring of '97, click HERE to see the whole chart through the present.

This is the history of web browsers through the ages, with the popularity of each represented by the thickness of its band. You can learn a lot by looking at it. Namely, how your penis stacks up to a particular browser. Me? I'm a solid 2006 Firefox. "Haha, I'm a 2002 Internet Explorer -- Suck it, GW!" Whoa -- not in your wildest Dreamweaver.

Image of the Day: the battle of the web browser [dvice]

Thanks to Charles, who browses the web the old fashioned way: on a dial-up connection. What are you, 200?!

Mar 31 2011 Interactive Map: If You Dug A Hole Straight Through Earth, Where Would You End Up?

Awesome, Los Angeles got me the middle of the Indian Ocean. Which, SPOILER ALERT: so will everywhere else in the continental United States. Alaska gets you close to Antarctica, but only Hawaii gets you on solid ground, in southern Africa. Weird, I could have sworn growing up I was told I'd pop out somewhere in Australia. *calling to cancel contract with mole-people* So much for that lucrative boomerang importing business! Wait a minute...*falsifying study about the healing properties of Indian Ocean water* Hello, Bucktooth McDigalot? WE'RE BACK ON!

Interactive Map (with bonus "if I walk in a straight line around the world, where will I pass"!)

Thanks to Little Digger JJ, who, despite the name, isn't actually a mole-person. Dammit I was hoping you might be able to get me a deal on this hole!

Mar 31 2011 Left 4 Dead, The Interactive (Read: Choose Your Own Adventure Style) Youtube Video

Again from The Game Station (who are quickly becoming the Stephen King of video game-related Youtube videos) comes this interactive Left 4 Dead number. Number, get it? Like Left 4 Dead. I AM THE TIE-IN KING! "No." Prince? "No." Stable boy? "Moat-digger." SONOFA! It's like a Choose Your Own Adventure book but with way less reading. Unfortunately, at the end of the video you only get to make a single decision, with all but one option ending with you being eaten by zombies. So yeah, choose wisely (read: NOT THE GIRL).

Hit the jump to test your zombie-apocalypse survival skills...or something.

Continue Reading " Left 4 Dead, The Interactive (Read: Choose Your Own Adventure Style) Youtube Video "

Mar 31 2011 Playing Magic, The Gathering With iPhones

Pfft, call me when you have enough for mahjong.

That's not actually Magic, I know. But I couldn't read what the cards say so I'm running with it. Also, with one of those beer helmets on TO STAY HYDRATED. Allegedly they're not even real iPhones, but Chinese knock-offs (but the real ones are made there too!). Regardless, dude probably could've saved a lot of money buying booster packs instead of phones. Plus who's to say he doesn't discreetly alter cards during gameplay? You think there's not an app for that? There's an app for that. But not pregnancy tests, no matter how hard you pee in the ear-speaker. Kidding, Apple's thought of everything -- the phone has to be plugged in though. Green battery means you've got a baby in that ass.

UPDATE: It's the Game of Thrones card game. Maybe we'll all get some sleep tonight after all.

Nothing screams "obnoxiously rich" like these iPhone playing cards [thenextweb]

Thanks to Missy, who agrees those things would be a bitch to shuffle.

Mar 30 2011 I'll Admit, That Is Pretty Clever: Prison Inmates Sent Drugs As Dosed Coloring Book Pages

Looks like a normal coloring book page, right? Something a parent might reluctantly hang on the refrigerator while mentally reminding themselves to take it down before any guests can see it? WRONG! It's been dosed with drugs. *tears open mail licking everything*

Back in February, corrections officers received information that the drug Suboxone (aka Buprenorphine) [a narcotic used to treat opiate addiction but often used recreationally] was being channeled into the Correctional Center through inmate mail.

The tip led to a full investigation. During the second week of February, a mail room officer discovered mail containing a coloring book page. The page had an Orange substance blotted on it that looked similar to watercolor paint.

Investigators confiscated the page and sent it to the Cape May County Prosecutor's Office Laboratory for testing. The page tested positive for Suboxone.

Pretty clever guys, but you've got to get up preeeeeetty early to trick an old trickster the Cape May County Correctional Center. Now -- I've never actually been to prison before (only jail), but I don't know how I'd feel about doing drugs in there. Making potty beer sure, but I'm afraid anything else might make me go crazy. Like dropping acid and locking yourself in a hall closet. You're just not the same after that. Are you? I'm not. WHO SAID THAT?! Me. Me who? You did, this is you. GAAAAAAAAAH! *fighting to stab myself*

Hit the jump for one more coloring book page.

Continue Reading " I'll Admit, That Is Pretty Clever: Prison Inmates Sent Drugs As Dosed Coloring Book Pages "

Mar 30 2011 Wanted: Reliable Time Traveling Assistant

I've seen an Alabama Craigslist version of this ad floating around the past couple days that's word-for-word the exact same, but this one was posted a month ago (complete with convincing looking picture of LEGO Mindstorm time machine component), so it's obviously the real one (unless it's a word-for-word version of an even older ad -- or, OR -- people keep traveling further back in time to one-up each other. "Whoa -- too deep for me, GW!" Haha, so's the hot tub. Anyway, I don't know the circumference of my head in cm but I also don't know anybody that could watch dude's cat while we're gone so I guess I'm unqualified. Not that I actually wanted to go, I just have to know what "business" he needs to take care of in 1983. This is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night!

$12345 - Time Travel Research Assistant [usedregina] (that poor tart)

Thanks to Brad, sitting pretty (YOU'RE SQUATTING!) and tom, who applied but were all turned down for suggesting dude just fill up the food and water bowls really full so they wouldn't have to find a cat-sitter.

Mar 30 2011 Piece Of Pikachu In Every Bite: Pokéball Pizza

Pikachu pepperonis, just sayin'! "Uh, that would make a piece of Pikachu in HALF the bites." GOD YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!

This is a pizza crafted to look like a pokéball. A couple things: 1. holy shit could that thing be any greasier? I'm surprised the bottom of the box wasn't compromised. 2. I'm fairly confident traditional pokéballs aren't flat on one side and 3. whatever pizza artist made this thing obviously doesn't care about keeping their job because you can't go putting that much extra pepperoni on a pizza without charging extra. Trust me, I once got fired from a place for putting too many sausage bits on a pizza if you know what I mean. I mean I spread the marinara around with my privates. You should've seen the look on Papa John's face! Like he'd just seen a ghost someone f***ing a customer's pizza.

Pokeball Pizza Of The Day [geeks.thedailywhat]

Thanks to Randy, who planned on making a pizza that looked like the Death Star but ate all the ingredients while the dough was rising. *facepalm*

Mar 30 2011 12-Year Old Has IQ Higher Than Einstein's, Currently Tackling The Big Bang Theory

No not the show, dummy.

12-year old Jake Barnett has Asperger's Syndrome and an IQ of 170 (~10 points higher than Albert Einstein or Stephen Hawking). He takes collegiate astrophysics classes for breakfast. Okay, not actually for breakfast (Eggos FTW!), but he does take them.

Barnett has always been a bright bulb. At age three, he was solving 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzles while the rest of us were still drooling. Those advanced astrophysics classes? He also provides tutoring for them. He already has a paid gig lined up performing research at Indiana University

Princeton University's Scott Tremaine even emailed the family to say, "The theory that he's working on involves several of the toughest problems in astrophysics and theoretical physics. Anyone who solves these will be in line for a Nobel Prize."

So, will Jake solve some of the most profound equations known to man, or turn to drugs and alcohol like the rest of us budding geniuses? "GW -- I've SEEN your IQ score -- 69 is hardly genius." *snicker* "What?" I scored that on purpose.

Hit the jump for two videos, the first of which is Jake talking about the Big Bang theory (NOT SHELDON AND THOSE OTHER GUYS) and the second, a much longer one about trig integrals (f*** if I know).

Continue Reading " 12-Year Old Has IQ Higher Than Einstein's, Currently Tackling The Big Bang Theory "

Mar 30 2011 Joker Would Be Proud: The Gunbrella

The Gunbrella is a real £10.99 (~$18) product that looks like one of those pop-guns with the flag that comes out that the Joker would point at Batman. Except it's an umbrella. But it does have an auto-open "trigger" so you can still aim it at people and scare them. Just not me, because I WILL wrestle it from you and jam it up your ass. Then pull the trigger. People are gonna think you're wearing a skin hoop skirt!

Product Site
via
The Gunbrella Shoots Mother Nature In The Face [nerdapproved]

Thanks to Scott, who has a novelty umbrella that looks like a real gun that ended up getting him tazed by the police once. Did you like it? I'm starting to like it.

Mar 30 2011 First Closeup Of Mercury From Orbiting Probe

Nice try NASA, but I know the moon when I see it!

Note: High-res version HERE in case you want to look for aliens.

That's right folks, this is the first close-up (close-up being relative) photo of Mercury sent back to NASA from the MESSENGER (because Mercury was messenger to the gods, get it?!) space probe currently orbiting the planet. What does MESSENGER stand for? I'm glad you asked.

MErcury
Surface,
Space
ENvironment,
GEochemistry, and
Ranging.

Wow -- you guys should really consider firing your acronym guy because that's just terrible. "Still better than what we were gonna go with until we realized the whole 'messenger to the gods' tie in." Ha, I doubt it!

Mercury
Orbiting
Messenger and
Surface
EXperimenter

I stand corrected. Ya'll f***in' NASA-TY. "Did you really just..." Yes, yes I did. And I'm proud as hell about it.

MESSENGER's first picture from Mercury orbit! [badastronomy]

Thanks to Clark, who once took candid pictures of Mercury's ass with his camera-phone because he's a pervert.

Mar 30 2011 Move Over Necklaces!: Edible Candy Pens

I was going to try sneaking 'penis' into the title instead of pens but I assume you've been to enough bachelorette parties to know candy peens already exist (you dirty, dirty girls, you!). This is a pen made out of the same candies as those necklaces so you can eat it when you're done to reduce 90% of empty-pen waste. I'm pretty sure we have bigger waste problems aside, I'll admit there's nothing more satisfying than crunching down on some unwrapped candy that's been riding around in your bag all day and/or borrowed by somebody who doesn't wash their hands after they pee. Mmmmmmm, lint and pubes. *eats a box of crayons*

Hit the jump for potential flavor options!

Continue Reading " Move Over Necklaces!: Edible Candy Pens "

Mar 30 2011 Steampunk Wonder Woman & Lasso Of Tesla

Those...are some serious cans.

NOTE: Full-size version HERE in case those things aren't big enough for you already.

This is a steampunk Wonder Woman (digitally) painted by deviantARTist papaninja (aka Serge Birault) using his wife as a model because she wouldn't let him use Lynda Carter. HA -- women amirite? My girlfriend doesn't even like it when I expose myself on the bus as performance art. "You're gonna get arrested." SO -- LEONARDO DA VINCI GOT ARRESTED. "You're no da Vinci." But I'm into naked dudes! "WHAT?!" Painted foods, you know, like oranges and apples on a table -- still lifes. *whew*

Serge's DeviantART
via
Steampunk Wonder Woman [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Alan, who claims lassos of truth don't work on him, only motorboating. And to Tania, who has an invisible jet but no clue where she parked it.

Mar 29 2011 Link & Zelda Set Up Business In Hong Kong

Zeta -- really? Not even Zora or Zelda?

Note: It's dangerous to go alone! Full-res shot HERE.

I'd recognize that sword and shield anywhere! Unless they were at a crime scene in which case, nope, never seen that shit. Officer what do I look like, some sort of adventurous 'save the princess' type? I barely leave the basement and I've never seen a princess's tits before IN MY LIFE. No clue what Zeta trading trades in, but my guess is arrows and bombs. "What about bottles?" I'M CHUGGING ONE RIGHT KNOW, I KNOW THAT. Okaaaaaaaaaay, pretty sure that one was a fairy.

Location in Google Maps

Thanks to Tom, who actually found the sign randomly searching Hong Kong streets in Google Maps. Suuuuuure you were, Tom. OR SHOULD I SAY, GANON?!

Mar 29 2011 Many Bothans Died: Lightsaber Factory Fail

Ever wonder what happens when you run a lightsaber factory entirely with Gungan slaves and absolutely zero quality control? This. That thing's not even a lightsaber anymore, that's a lightlasso. *swinging over head* Quick, somebody point me at a tauntaun! *PSHFWWWUUUMMMMMM!!*
...
...
...Its guts are everywhere aren't they?

Hit the jump for the short but worthwhile video, which is actually a Polish steel factory (which explains why everything went to shit -- they can't even screw in lightbulbs!).

Continue Reading " Many Bothans Died: Lightsaber Factory Fail "

Mar 29 2011 'Magic Wand' To Fight Fires With Electricity

Damn Harry, cast 'constipation breaker' STAT!

Fires: nobody wants to die in one (or a Black Friday stampede at Wal-Mart). And now scientists believe they're close to developing an electric-bolt shooting wand (personally, I imagine more of a Ghostbusters proton-pack THAN A FLAMMABLE TWIG) capable of breaking up and putting out flames. LIGHTNING BOLT -- LIGHTNING BOLT!

Scientists have known for centuries that an electric field will bend the shape of a flame, so this technology takes that thinking a step further with a wand that can fire flame snuffing pulses of electrically charged air towards the fire. This allows the firefighter to clear a path through the flames allowing the firefighters in, while letting any trapped people escape. They also see a future where traditional water sprinkler systems will be replaced by flame snuffing electrical pulse generators.

F***in' fires, how do they work aside, that's pretty awesome. Plus if they really do replace buildings' sprinkler systems with electrical pulse generators and we set off the fire alarm a couple times we'll all develop superpowers. Ooooooooor blast ourselves sterile. Win/win.

Future firefighters could use flame snuffing bolts of electricity [dvice]

Thanks to Jax, MannaFromKevin and Vanessa, who fight fires the old fashioned way: praying to Zeus for rain. Whoa -- kickin' it way oldschool!

Mar 29 2011 Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness: THE MACHETE-SHOOTING SLINGSHOT!!

This is a machete-shooting slingshot. Or you could call it a crossbow. Just don't call it a catapult or you might wind up with a machete in your gut. From a general standpoint, it's badass, but from a zombie-apocalypse standpoint it's really not that practical because:

1. it's like six-feet long, making it fairly awkward to tote around during an emergency situation (still not sure what I'm gonna do about my penis)
2. load-time takes several seconds, making it a poor choice for fighting off groups and probably only useful for taking out those antisocial "loner" zombies and/or maiming people running faster than you
3. ammo is super-expensive unless
4. you retrieve every machete after a kill in which case that's a whole lot of pulling machetes out of corpses.

Which brings me to my personal weapon of choice: a sword tied to a rope. Here, I'll demonstrate. You just duck a little bit and then swing it around at neck level like so. See? "That's not a sword, that's a Wiffle-Ball bat." OH I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WANTED THE FULL ZOMBIE TREATMENT. "Your mom won't let have a real sword, will she?" Not until the neighbors are all zombies, no.

Video after the jump, actual shooting goes down at 1:37 and 2:30 if you just want to see the action.

Continue Reading " Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness: THE MACHETE-SHOOTING SLINGSHOT!! "

Mar 29 2011 Company To Offer Fake Facebook Girlfriends

Because sadness knows no bounds, Cloudgirlfriend.com is allegedly a real website launching soon that will create fake-ass Facebook girlfriends for dudes so they can interact with them and, I dunno -- feel even worse about themselves? Make other girls jealous? Listen guys -- if you honestly have a fake Facebook girlfriend to make other girls jealous, congratulations: it's only working on your mom. I assume this is going to be some kind of pay service which makes it even worse, but who knows. "A PAY SITE?! Why would I pay for something I could do myself?" Could do, or do do? "I said COULD do." Yeah did you just say that because you're embarrassed to say doodoo? C'mon, EVERYONE POOPS! (except me and all attractive women)

Cloudgirlfriend (there, but still on the launchpad)
and
Geekologie on Facebook (way better than a fake girlfriend!)

Thanks to Joseph, who doesn't need any fake Facebook girlfriends because he only uses Myspace. LOLWUT?! Accept my friend request already.

Mar 29 2011 The Brothers Mario 2, Kong Country (Plus Bonus Live-Action Duck Hunt Trailer!!)

This is The Game Station's sequel to their Brothers Mario trailer, again in the style of a Grand Theft Auto game. It's good. This one focuses on a new don moving to town (don Key Kong!!!!!!11) and demanding a piece of Bowser's action. The rest is history explosions and cheesy dialogue. I also posted the recent trailer (in 2-D AND 3-D!) for a live-action Duck Hunt movie they made as well, because I'm into combining things today. "Ooh ooh -- do baking soda and vinegar next!" YOU'LL GET SALT IN A WOUND AND LIKE IT!

Hit the jump for the Mario trailer, Duck Hunt in 2-D, and Duck Hunt in 3-D.

Continue Reading " The Brothers Mario 2, Kong Country (Plus Bonus Live-Action Duck Hunt Trailer!!) "

Mar 29 2011 Wine Bottle Screws: Sound Kinky, But Aren't

Wine: it makes you kiss all sloppy with your tongue and then the whole world spin until you wind up in bed without showering holding one hand against the wall and the other to the floor swearing to Dionysus you'll never drink again if you just don't puke. You'll pass out and not puke until the next morning after which you'll shake your fist at the heavens and claim the deal is off. Then it's cocktails at brunch to nurse the hangover. $13 for three silicon wine-stoppers that look like little screws. Or are they buttplugs moonlighting as wine-stoppers so they can sell them at Crate & Barrel? Actual wine-stoppers? I, uh, I knew that. *pop*

Product Site
via
Save 'Leftover' Wine With Silicone Screw Caps [wired]

Thanks to Turbo The Mechanical Ape, who doesn't re-cork bottles because he only drinks from boxes. You classy devil, you!

Mar 29 2011 Autonomous Quadrocopters Play Ping-Pong

Forrest could take 'em.

This is a video from the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology of two autonomous quadrocopters playing ping-pong (or table tennis, but NOT table pennis, which is what you play when you want to clear out a dinner party). So yeah, they want to take over our recreational sports now. "Pfft, who cares -- it's ping-pong." WHO CARES IT'S PING-PONG?! HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF THE DOMINO EFFECT? One minute it's ping-pong, and the next it's badminton and croquet! God forbid they ever find out about lawn darts. Just sayin', you ever played a robot in lawn darts before? Obviously not, you're alive to read this.

Hit the jump for scary.

Continue Reading " Autonomous Quadrocopters Play Ping-Pong "

Mar 28 2011 Good Causes: The Healing Heroes Project

Picture moderately unrelated.

The Healing Heroes Project is a nonprofit venture by do-gooder Scott Hall in which he gives terminally ill children in the hospital superhero "templates" to color and create the way they'd like, then Josh uses them to customize existing action figures into one-off's of the children's own designs. *wiping tear* Sorry -- I think I got a shard of glass in my eye.

Healing Heroes is a project dedicated to helping critically and terminally ill children. The aim of the project is to bring a little happiness into these childrens lives in a time when things might not be looking so bright for them. And what makes a kid happier than toys!

More specifically the goal is to have the children design a superhero and within a week have an actual 1 of a kind custom action figure made for them from their design.

It is my hope that this will in some small way help the kids through a really tough time in their lives and give them something positive to focus on while in the hospital.

Scott is currently seeking action figure donations to help get the project underway (or start a massive action figure collection on the cheap), so if you're interested in helping out be sure to go check out his website for details. Then, pat yourself on the back and pray Ol' St. Nick wasn't f***ing napping. I EXPECT BIG THINGS THIS YEAR, FAT MAN!

The Healing Heroes Project

Thanks to Taylor, who wishes all the sick children Wolverine-like recoveries. Couldn't have said it better myself.

Mar 28 2011 Because Space Is Actually Colorless: How NASA Uses Photoshop TO CREATE LIES

Space isn't actually colorless, I just made that up so people who only read the headline go spread misinformation and hopefully lose bets. But for the rest of you, nothing but the facts. My penis could feed an entire village for 18 months. Plus NASA uses Photoshop to manipulate shots from the Hubble Space Telescope to make us think space is actually cooler than it really is (SPOILER: I've been there, it's a shit-ton of nothing).

This time lapse shows how the image of NGC 3982--a spiral galaxy 68 million light-years from Earth, in the Ursa Major constellation--was made using seven grayscale images captured using three of Hubble cameras. The processing job took 10 hours of scaling, rotating, aligning, color processing and missing pixels and artifacts restoration.

Scientists have to choose how to represent this information in a way that we can observe directly. Sometimes they will use a natural representation, which is very close to what we would see if we zoomed there inside the Enterprise. Other times they will choose representative color, which helps them see invisible features of the object--like those that can only be captured in infrared or ultraviolet light. And sometimes they show the image in enhanced color, a hyperrealist mode that brings a lot of hidden, subtle details.

There's 10-hours of edting packed into a 2-minute video after the jump, that talks you through the process. Basically the style of Photoshoppery depends on a particular photo's intended use. Which, to the best of my knowledge, ranges from 'look cool' to 'look really trippy'. Unfortunately, for those of you who were hoping for some insight, there was little talk of how they faked the moon landing, but my guess is in a giant underwater tank. "Like...the kind with a cannon?" *kicks you in the nuts so hard you cry sperm*

Hit the jump for the informative video.

Continue Reading " Because Space Is Actually Colorless: How NASA Uses Photoshop TO CREATE LIES "

Mar 28 2011 Please Insert Coin(s) To Continue: Seventy Oldschool Video Game Deaths In 2:30

This is a video made by BoingBoing featuring seventy oldschool video game deaths in less than three minutes (all set to an 8-bit version of Mad World). If your first console was a Playstation, you'll probably recognize less than ten of the games. Now I know what you just realized, "OMG -- he's just posting this because he can't remember the name of the game in that first picture and wants it so he can download an emulator and play it again!" Congratulations, detective -- you caught me red-headed. "It's handed, dumbass, not headed." Really? I dunno, headed seems way worse.

Hit the jump, then tell me the name of that game so I can download an emulator and get my groove back game on.

Continue Reading " Please Insert Coin(s) To Continue: Seventy Oldschool Video Game Deaths In 2:30 "

Mar 28 2011 NOT ON THESE TEATS YOU'RE NOT!: Breast Milk Baby, The Breastfeeding Doll

Note: There are two videos after the jump. The first one you can watch. The second one FEATURES REAL-LIFE MOM-NIPS AND SHOULD BE CONSIDERED NSFW unless you're one of those women that'll whip a tit out in a restaurant cause you don't give a f*** if I stare or not (I'm going to is the thing).

Breast Milk Baby is a real $99 baby doll that, when presented with a special apron you wear with flowery "nipples", starts suckling like a baby. Then you throw it over your shoulder and burp it or whatever. I don't know, the point is it tries to suck nips. It's supposed to be for little girls! I want one! No -- one for each teat. So three total.

Hit the jump for videos, the first of which is a product demo complete with the worst sound effects ever. The second of which IS NSFW REAL MOMMY-NIPS.

Continue Reading " NOT ON THESE TEATS YOU'RE NOT!: Breast Milk Baby, The Breastfeeding Doll "

Mar 28 2011 Countries That Don't Use The Metric System

Looks like we're in good company -- high-five, Liberia and Myanmar! We're miles ahead of all those other countries, amirite?! No? Kilometers behind? SONOFA. *takes 3/4" socket off penis and chucks over cubicle wall like a grenade* "OW!! WHO THREW THIS?" Quick -- look everybody, Eric's wearing my wiener socket on his finger like a Bugle!

These Are the Three Countries Who Don't Use the Metric System [gizmodo]

Thanks to Jeff, who measures everything in relation to his own body parts. What are you, five?! How tall am I in penises?

Mar 28 2011 Angry Birds As Iffy Live-Action War Movie

I believe I can fly, I believe I can touch the -- nope, dude shot me right at a f***ing wall.

This is the fan-made trailer for a make-believe Angry Birds war movie. It was created by the same folks that brought us the 8-Bit Interview video posted awhile back but that probably means jackshit to you because you don't even hit the jump to watch things. You just scroll down the page in three seconds hoping for something Pokémon to catch your eye and if so 1. comment without reading anything and then it's 2. back to scouring websites for pics of the most scantily-clad women you think you can get away with at work. Haha, do I know you or what? I don't, I just have a spy-cam in your wall clock. YOU STEAL PEOPLES' LUNCHES!

Hit the jump for 2:16 you'll never get back.

Continue Reading " Angry Birds As Iffy Live-Action War Movie "

Mar 28 2011 Born With A Beard: Baby Unicorn Picture

Note: Larger version HERE in case you want to print out on photo-quality paper and slip it in the front of your Trapper Keeper (who doesn't?!).

This is a baby unicorn. Except not really because it's all "copper tube, aluminium and steel wire armature, Padico Premier stoneware clay, taxidermy glass eyes, recycled mohair, rayon flocking, silicone ears/facial features, resin, polymer clay." So yeah, not a single ounce of sunbeams, fairy dust and gumdrops. Still -- recycled mohair, that's something. SOMETHING SCRATCHY! Seriously, Stardancer -- you're chafing my nuts somethin' fierce, bro. I'm not sure this whole 'bareback ride to the moon' thing was such a good idea after all. I blame the weeds. I also vote we turn around and head back to-- OVER THERE, WHAT'S THAT?! *tries to break off horn*

Indigo-Ocean's DeviantART
via
Some chick's Tumblr
via
Baby Unicorn [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Melissa, who claims she saw a real unicorn when she was a little girl. Melissa -- are you sitting down? That was a retarded deer.

Mar 28 2011 Let The FAKE!ing Begin: Condiment Scooper Magically Picks Up Spilled Ketchup And Mayo

I know the screencrap looks like a crappy paint scraper, but you really have to watch the video to fully appreciate the future of condiment cleaning technology. Oooooooooor just call it fake and gay (I really encourage you all not to use gay though) and move on with your life. I've watched the video like four times and I still have zero clue what the hell's going on. Sorcery or fake, it's your call. My call? Paper towels.

Hit the jump and prepare to be dumbfounded. Seriously, your boss will probably walk in an hour and you'll just be drooling into your keyboard and turning your head like a dog that doesn't understand.

Continue Reading " Let The FAKE!ing Begin: Condiment Scooper Magically Picks Up Spilled Ketchup And Mayo "

Mar 27 2011 Where Bad Guys Come From, The Infographic

Note: Slightly larger version HERE in case you like things bigger. God, just move to Texas already!

Ever wonder where video game bad guys threatening the US in first-person shooters come from? Russia. Every single one, all commies. Just kidding, a lot come from outerspace but this map doesn't reflect that BECAUSE IT'S EARTHIST. Don't tell Mars -- he'd be devastated. "Calm the f*** down, planets don't even have feelings!" HA -- TRY TELLING THAT SHIT TO PLUTO! He's turned to drugs.

Complex Presents: A World Map Of Video Game Villains [complex]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who's convinced we're actually our own worst enemy. Whoa -- way too deep for me, buddy. I'll be in the shallow end.

Mar 25 2011 Creepy-Ass Robot Bird Actually Flies Like One

Festo, a company best known for designing creepy-ass robots, is back at it ("it" obviously being more harbingers of death), this time with an autonomous bird that looks waaaaaaaay too realistic when it's flying. Slap a coat of paint on that thing and I wouldn't think twice as it circled my bedroom window snapping shots of my johnson. I'd probably even pose!

This bird can start, fly, and land without intervention from a person. The cool thing about it is the special wings it has that provide both lift and thrust for it to fly.

The wings use a special hinge that allows them to move up and down while moving forward and backwards as well. The bird is modeled on a herring gull, but it is much larger than the real thing.

There's a worthwhile video of the way too lifelike-ness in action after the jump. Half the time I was convinced it was computer graphics! Fine, 3/4 of the time. But seriously, somebody pump that thing full of birdshot. *BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!* You hear that? That's the Duck Hunt dog laughing at you. *BLAM!* You're sick.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Creepy-Ass Robot Bird Actually Flies Like One "

Mar 25 2011 360 "Fog-Based" 3-D Projection System

This is a new 3-D projection system. It projects images on a stream of controlled fog. *unzipping* "Fog, GW -- NOT urine." *zipping up* That's cool, I can't control my stream anyways.

A new, truly 360-degree 3-D display has been developed by researchers at Osaka University. The fog display is created by three projectors each beaming a different image into a column of thin fog, making the resulting image appear 3-dimensional from all angles. This technique means that viewers can physically walk around the display to see it from different vantage points without losing the 3-D effect.

There's a 1:30 explanation and demo of the system after the jump, which is a giant waste of time because they use a picture of a bunny the whole time. PRINCESS LEIA OR GTFO!

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " 360 "Fog-Based" 3-D Projection System "

Mar 25 2011 Reader, You Are...NOT The Father: Scientists Successfully Create Lab-Grown Sperms

The race: you lost it.

In one of the first steps to rid the world of dudes, a group of feminist (no, not really) Japanese scientists have successfully grown mice sperm (I thought they looked like mice!) in the laboratory. Me? I only grow weed in the laboratory. Kidding! Totally in my closet.

...they hope to be able to do the same for humans in the not-too-distant future. They say it could be used to "aid prepubescent boys about to undergo cancer therapies that destroy fertility. It could also protect the reproductive potential of endangered animals that might die before reaching sexual maturity, he adds.

Fun fact: did you know sexual position can affect your chances of getting pregnant? It's true. But it does NOT affect the sex of the baby. That all depends on the day of the week!

Researchers successfully grow working sperm cells in a lab [dvice]

Thanks to Jordan and special k, who agree every sperm in that picture deserves a purple 'participant' ribbon for their effort.

Mar 25 2011 The World Map Of Average Breast Cup Size

Note: DD-size version of the map HERE.

To compliment the wiener one from last week, this is the world map of average breast cup sizes. Now I know what you're wondering, "GW -- what's your favorite cup?" Thanks for asking, I'm really into fruit cups. JOKING -- pudding all the way, baby! Now -- before all you American men start high-fiving and motorboating your monitors, our average is a D because we're f***ing fat, not because our women have naturally large bazoongas. Shit, even I'm rockin' B-cups. *squeezing* No, B+ *trying to lick nipple*

Interactive Version [targetmap]

Thanks to MannaFromKevin, who threatened to tell everyone I wear two sports bras under a t-shirt to make my tits look flatter if I didn't post this. Whew, can't have that getting ou-- wait a minute.

Mar 25 2011 A Real Coin-Spitting Mario Question Block

This is a short video of a guy who made a real-life Mario question block that, when punched from beneath, actually spits a coin out the top. Next stop: growing money on trees.

A 555 timer controls a servo motor to push the coins out of the top while an MP3 player plays the appropriate sound effect. Luckily for us, Bruno painstakingly detailed the build process complete with photos, schematics, PCB designs, the sound effect, and graphics for the exterior.

Oh man, I wish every time I punched something money came flying out. *punches laptop* Damn, nothing. *punches harder* Hello -- WHAT HAVE WE HERE?! A screw. F***!

Hit the jump for a very short video that could have used a tripod and a link to the Instructable in case you want to make your own (you don't though is the thing).

Continue Reading " A Real Coin-Spitting Mario Question Block "

Mar 25 2011 From That Star Trek Song Girl: 'Navi's Song'

Here's another song from Youtube user meekakitty (meekakitty? youkakitty!), best known for that Star Trek song she did. This one is a Zelda-themed love song sung by Navi for Link. At first glance the song might appear 5:30 long, but it's actually only 3:00, with 2:30 of the girl blathering afterward in case you want to have your nerd boner shattered into a million pieces. So yeah, stop at 3:00. Also, by the store on your way over and pick up some snacks. And by snacks I mean beer. EATING'S FOR DORKS!

Hit the jump for the not-bad music video.

Continue Reading " From That Star Trek Song Girl: 'Navi's Song' "

Mar 25 2011 WTF?!: NSFW Princess Peach Figurine

This is a dirty Princess Peach figure from Entertainment Earth (pre-order, $120). Think 'Precious Moments', then forget everything you know about Precious Moments and think Princess Peach sitting on a giant phallic mushroom with a face that's kissing her privates. What in the... *Mario takes a bath with a toaster*

* Sexy PVC statue with... a mushroom!

* Well-endowed princess with high heels and a great personality!
* Save the princess in your hands!
* A coy look and a pose that defines subtlety!

This princess is from a totally different castle! This white-hot statue with blonde hair and a pink costume is not appropriate for children, but it might be just the thing for your home office! Perched atop an unusually-formed fungus, the oddly named "Princess Bitch" poses with pride. Princess tiara studded jewelry is true! This 1:7 scale figure measures over 5 1/2-inches tall, and is sure to be an amazing conversation piece no matter where you decide to display her!

What if I decide to display her on a hat? Is she still 'an amazing conversation piece' or something that'll get me kicked out of the mall? "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave." FINE -- THE GIRL AT THE ORANGE JULIUS CAN'T MAKE AN ORANGE SWIRL FOR SHIT ANYWAYS! Validate my parking?

Hit the jump for the NSFW uncensored picture. WARNING: Cannot be unseen.

Continue Reading " WTF?!: NSFW Princess Peach Figurine "

Mar 25 2011 The Force For Recreational: Jedi Badminton

This is a 30-second video of four dudes playing shuffleboard badminton with lightsabers special-effected in over their racquets. It would have been cooler if the editor had turned the shuttlecock into one of those lightsaber training balls like Luke uses on the Millennium Falcon, but it's obvious somebody wasn't thinking. "Her-her, did he just say turn a shuttlecock into balls?" I did, and I'm going to turn yours into a f***ing lizard if you don't start acting your age.

Hit the jump and get your recreational Force on.

Continue Reading " The Force For Recreational: Jedi Badminton "

Mar 24 2011 Hi-Ho Silver Midnite!: Lil Horsey Gets 2nd Chance At Life With Custom Prosthetic Leg

This is Midnite (not to be confused with midnight, which is when your carriage turns back into a pumpkin). Midnite is a little horsey who was born without part of a back leg. His original owner, without the decency to contact somebody who might be able to help or putting a bullet in his head, opted to neglect him instead. Eventually, he was confiscated by authorities (who hopefully taught the owner what it feels like to be missing a leg -- *PEW PEW* I SAID DANCE, COWBOY!), and delivered to Ranch Hand Rescue, who in turn worked with Forth Worth Prosthetic Care to slap a prosthetic on the lil guy. They were hoping he'd be able to walk with his new leg, but after just his second fitting, Midnite was running (WARNING: VIDEO AFTER THE JUMP INCLUDES FOOTAGE OF MIDNITE RUNNING FOR THE FIRST TIME AND WILL MAKE YOU CRY). Boom -- happy ending. And as for that original, neglectful owner... *tossing duffel-bag of zip-ties and duct tape in trunk* Roooooad trip!

Hit the jump for the heartwarming video news report.

Continue Reading " Hi-Ho Silver Midnite!: Lil Horsey Gets 2nd Chance At Life With Custom Prosthetic Leg "

Mar 24 2011 The Coldest Star In The Universe Goes To...

WD 0806-661 B, a brown dwarf (artist's rendition, lower right) orbiting a white dwarf (interracial orbiting FTW!) some 75-light years from earth. Shit, pack a picnic and let's go! "GW? You don't actually know how far a light-year is, do you?" OVER 1,000 WATTS! Extra mayo on my sandwich BTW.

The American scientists looked at the age of the white dwarf in the WD 0806-661 system, and came up with a figure of about 1.5 billion years. They then estimated the mass of the companion, and used the data from Spitzer [the space telescope, not the gubernatorial whore-monger], which sees in the infrared part of the spectrum.

From that, they got a temperature of about 300 degrees Kelvin, or 27 degrees C (~81 ºF), or about the average daytime temperature of Washington, D.C. in June. If confirmed it would be the coldest brown dwarf ever discovered. An average star has a surface temperature measured in the thousands of degrees -- the Sun's surface temperature is 5,500 degrees C.

Speaking of brown dwarfs, I drove to Tijuana once with a couple buddies and we ended up in this backalley sex-circus where they had a-- *phone ringing* Don't tell that one? Woopsie doopsie. Never been to Mexico, heard it's beautiful.

Astronomers Find The Coldest Stars In The Universe [ibtimes]

Thanks to Inky Bloc, who's convinced all stars are just giant shining buttholes. You know, now that I think about it YOU'RE CRAZY.

Mar 24 2011 The Bottle Opener/Cap Collector ALL IN ONE

Pfft, every bottle opener already has a built-in cap-collector -- it's called the floor. It's pretty awesome. Plus it never misses unless something like a countertop dives in for the catch, in which case, who gives a shit -- you just opened a beer. Chug and repeat!

Hit the jump for one of the most erotic infomercials I've ever seen.

Continue Reading " The Bottle Opener/Cap Collector ALL IN ONE "

Mar 24 2011 NOT The Model We Were Looking For: Stormtrooper Poses For A Drawing Class

This is sped-up video of a Stormtrooper posing for a Life Drawing Class. "Who cares." WHO CARES?! There's a hot young lady under all that molded plastic! "You lie!" I do, totally a dude. Still, I took an art class in college once and we actually had nude models. Mostly male. Talk about awkward! You try painting and yelling 'YOW YOW SPIN THAT PEN LIKE A HELICOPTER!' and throwing singles the whole time. My shit looked like something a five-year old could've done.

Hit the jump for two-and-a-half minutes of 'why couldn't it have been a slave Leia'?

Continue Reading " NOT The Model We Were Looking For: Stormtrooper Poses For A Drawing Class "

Mar 24 2011 Facebook More Popular Than Pr0n In The UK

According to a recent study, Facebook is visited more often than pr0n sites in the UK, indicating either 1. people are actually getting sexed in real life (unlikely) or 2. masturbate using only their imaginations. Haha, who hasn't convinced themselves a cloud looks like a naked lady, amirite?

The internet research company says that in January sites like Facebook accounted for 12.46% of all online traffic.

That's the equivalent of 2.4 billion hits or one eighth of all web visits.

In comparison entertainment websites, including pornographic ones, accounted for 12.18% of traffic.

It's the first time social networking has overtaken entertainment in terms of popularity.

Of those, social network site Facebook accounted for more than half, or 56%, of visits.

Whoa whoa whoa -- but Geekologie is an entertainment website! You can't just go lumping it into a category filled with smut. "Why, because it's worse than smut?" What the -- I am insulted! "Really?" No, not at all. But sometimes I do like to pretend I'm a classy lady. *drinking with pinkie-finger raised* Oh butler -- be a doll and fetch my pearls and Summer's Eve vajay-spray, will you?

Facebook more popular than porn for UK users [bbcnews]
and
Geekologie on Facebook (why not?)

Thanks to TK 745, who's convinced he saw a steamy lesbian scene in a bonfire once. Damn! What kind of firewood did you use?

Mar 24 2011 Symphony Of Science's 'Ode To The Brain'

Oh hi, science guy!

For those of you counting and not just praying it'll end, this is the 9th installment in the Symphony of Science series, entitled 'Ode to the Brain'. Obviously, it's all about deez nuuuuuuuuuts! the human mind. Sadly, they didn't manage to work in that 'this is your brain on drugs' PSA from the 80's. C'mon guys -- you blew it!

Through the powerful words of scientists Carl Sagan, Robert Winston, Vilayanur Ramachandran, Jill Bolte Taylor, Bill Nye, and Oliver Sacks, it covers different aspects the brain including its evolution, neuron networks, folding, and more. The material sampled for this video comes from Carl Sagan's Cosmos, Jill Bolte Taylor's TED Talk, Vilayanur Ramachandran's TED Talk, Bill Nye's Brain episode, BBC's "The Human Body", Oliver Sachs' TED Talk, Discovery Channel's "Human Body: Pushing the Limits", and more.

I watched the whole thing, which was fairly informative. Could've done without the scene where they were poking around at an actual brain though. That part was butt-nasty. KEEP THE ZOMBIE EROTICA TO YOURSELF, PERVERTS!

Hit the jump and get your learn on.

Continue Reading " Symphony Of Science's 'Ode To The Brain' "

Mar 24 2011 PS3 Headset Packed Into Helicopter Helmet

Modder el8id, best known for some wicked-ass spirit fingers, jammed a headset into an old helicopter pilot's helmet. That way, when you're playing Call of Duty and getting your ass handed to you, instead of imagining it's a bunch of pimply 13-year olds, you can imagine it's just some bearded nutjob with an aviator helmet on. Oh yeah, much better.

...a complete second circuit integrated to output to an RF-wireless headset that is also routed through the original system's speakers. The combination allows for a unique helmet that allows me to both have the ambient video-game sounds as well as chat-communications integrated into a single helmet for gaming, but also allows me to use it as a regular bluetooth, radio, or wireless headset form the TV when the wife isn't awake yet.

No word if he keeps the visor up or down during gameplay, but you better believe he's gonna lose some serious street cred if the answer is 'up'. Did I say street cred? I meant air cred. Helicopter pilot joke -- you wouldn't understand! Yes, yes you would. I just replaced 'street' with 'air'.

Mil-Surplus Heli Helmet Game Headset Probably Cooler Than Yours [make]

Thanks to Tom, who built his PS3 headset into a tinfoil helmet. Smart thinking, Tom. And by 'smart' I mean 'alien mind-control-free'.

Mar 24 2011 Tennis T&A: Serena Williams In The 'Too Sessy For TV' Top Spin 4 Commercial

Note: Commercial after the jump probably NSFW on account of asses and moaning.

According to tipster Donald, this ad for Top Spin 4 is the 'Best Commercial Ever'. That makes Donald a pervert (keep those tips coming!). It features Serena Williams and some other chick playing the game with the Playstation's motion-controllers but with their asses hanging out and moaning like Ursula could steal their voices at any moment. Apparently is was banned from television but I don't know how anybody thought it would possibly be allowed in the first place considering if a child asked me what they were doing I'd jump out a window to avoid explaining it. *sipping from '#1 Dad' mug* So yeah, if you're into asses in provocatively cut bodysuits and women moaning their faces off, this is definitely the video for you. Me? I'm more into boobs in sports bras and women screaming 'THERE'S A MAN IN HERE WITH A VIDEO CAMERA!"

Hit the jump for more waaaaaay more tennis T&A than your company's code of conduct allows.

Continue Reading " Tennis T&A: Serena Williams In The 'Too Sessy For TV' Top Spin 4 Commercial "

Mar 23 2011 Laptop Stolen, Owner Remotely Accesses Computer, Thief Gets Humiliated (That's Him!)

Seen here getting his what will go down in history books as "ZERO SWERVE" on, a laptop thief records himself on webcam dancing to 'Make it Rain' (make it rain? you couldn't even muster a drizzle -- you'll never be an Indian shaman!) IN HIS MOM'S KITCHEN. My f*** that's gangsta. Unfortunately for Sir Spazalot here, the laptop's rightfully owner was able to remotely access the unit, determine who the thief was, and post this video on Youtube.

I was going to stage serious lulz but the police apparently cracked down right as I filed the report.

EDIT: laptop recovered! :D

EDIT 2: I bought another laptop during the time it got stolen, so I'm going to sell the old one and donate all the proceeds to Japan relief. Thanks for your support, everyone :)

The perp, obviously disappointed some Youtube codec made his fresh moves appear stale onscreen, took the time to write the owner a Facebook message (screencap after jump -- LOL @ 'two Professional Jobs') asking him to remove the video. Obviously, the owner has not. Hey -- you know the Ja Rules: you do the crime, you do the time get humiliated by a half-million people on Youtube.

Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
A producer from 'So You Think You Can Dance'
"REALLY?!"
No asshole, it's the amberlamps -- we thought you were having a seizure.
"Damn."
Cops are here too, something about a laptop.

Hit the jump for the Facebook message and video of in action.

Continue Reading " Laptop Stolen, Owner Remotely Accesses Computer, Thief Gets Humiliated (That's Him!) "

Mar 23 2011 Hello, The Future! (Where's My Flying Car?): Toothbrush With A Built-In Paste Resevoir

Four out of five dentists recommend it! Just kidding. But one out of ten dentists will try to touch your privates with an elbow during a filling. Trust me, I went undercover. No, no I didn't. I just ate a lot of candy growing up. *raising roof* CANDY FOR BREAKFAST, ICE-CREAM FOR LUNCH, WHAT WHAT! Skittle tits & Magic Shell nips till I die, son! Which, fun fact: will probably be sooner than later because I've going into diabetic shock on the reg.

Twist&Brush, a great concept by the Spanish designers Awamura-ganjavian that crams a toothpaste dispenser and a toothbrush into one elegant little package.

The ingenious feature is the handle, which works like a cross between a syringe and a deodorant stick. Fill it up with toothpaste, then when you're ready to brush, twist the bottom a few notches and toothpaste squeezes out the bristles.

Twist&Brush, really? Who the hell wants to twist & brush, WE WANNA TWIST & SHOUT AMIRITE?! "GW, you seem hyper. What exactly did you have for lunch today?" *swinging from ceiling fan trying to lasso a dog with my belt* TWO QUARTS OF BIRTHDAY CAKE ICE CREAM WITH SPRINKLES, WHY?!

One more shot after the jump.

Continue Reading " Hello, The Future! (Where's My Flying Car?): Toothbrush With A Built-In Paste Resevoir "

Mar 23 2011 Nine Jobs Robots Will Steal From Humans

According to a recent article by MSNBC, this is a list of nine typically human jobs that robots are going to take over in the near-future, put you out of work, and make your whole family starve to death. That's not fear-mongering either, that's just the truth. You are officially f***ed if you're one of the following. Drum-roll please:

1. Pharmacists

2. Lawyers and paralegals
3. Drivers
4. Astronauts
5. Store clerks
6. Soldiers
7. Babysitters
8. Rescuers
9. Sportswriters and other reporters

If you follow the article back you can read the reasons why they believe robots will be taking over these particular professions, but that's not what's important. What's important is if you happen to be currently practicing one, I strongly encourage you reconsider your career choice. Me? I'm an astronaut, so you can imagine how pissed I am. Literally, soaked. It's all warm and I think the girls next to me at Starbucks are starting to smell it. Just smile and wave, GW, just smile and wave. *shrieking* Just gather your things and go, GW, just gather and go.

Nine jobs that humans may lose to robots [msnbc]

Thanks to meg, who agrees the only good robot is an unemployed one. "But GW, you know what they say -- idle hands are the devil's playground." Really -- they say that? I always thought idle hands were prone to masturbating.

Mar 23 2011 Poké Rights, Not Poké Fights: Pokémon PSA

From the same makers as the live-action Pokemon movie trailer comes this 1:00 Pokémon PSA about the cruelty of Poké-fights. THAT SHIT'S NOT CASH. Pokémons are animals too, you know. No, no they're not. They're monsters and in medieval times would've been trapped and burnt at the stake. Oooooor fed to the dragon that lives in a cave above the castle. Still, they do have feelings. If you really want to watch a fight tell some chick some other chick called her a junky slut. There will be blood hair-pulling.

Hit the jump and get your public service on. Me? I have to pick up trash by the freeway :/

Continue Reading " Poké Rights, Not Poké Fights: Pokémon PSA "

Mar 23 2011 Really Stretching It, You Are: Another Day, Another Animal That Looks Like Yoda

Because there are some nutjobs in the world that can't look at an animal without thinking it looks like Yoda (bat here and cat here), here's the latest: a Filipino tarsier. ZIPPTY-ZAP! "Tarsier, not taser." Right, I knew that.

It's not clear wether the animal used the Force to get into the tree but Erik decided the photo opportunity was too good to miss.

He said: 'I was walking through the jungle and then suddenly spied this little guy staring back at me, I'm a bit of a geek, and I thought 'hey, he looks just like Yoda.

Bit of a geek? No, a bit of a stoner is what you are, Erik. That thing looks nothing like Yoda. God forbid you ever have to identify a criminal in a line-up.

"That one -- it was that one!"
"Erik, that's a water cooler."
"I'M F***ING SURE OF IT!"

'Yoda' found in a tree in the Philippines [metro]

Thanks to Pesche and Rev Dr Dom, who're convinced any animal that's chubby looks like Jabba the Hutt. Okay now that's just being accurate.

Mar 23 2011 Guy Loses Leg, Opts For Cyborg Prosthetic

Reddit user captaincripple lost his leg in a motorcycle accident and has since had a custom-painted prosthetic made. This is it. It looks half-human, half-robotic, 100% something that would freak me out if I saw fall off.

Im 20 years old and a bit over 12 months ago had a motorbike accident. I love my prosthetic! I'm back working doing a carpentry apprenticeship which is awesome! Not going to lie, not having a leg is the best conversation starter with the ladies, with my favourite line being "Ill give you 3 guesses as to why I have a limp, if you get it wrong you can buy me a drink and let me flirt with you for a while"

Okay that whole 'you have to let me flirt with you' thing making me all kinds of sad inside aside, I've got two things worth mentioning, both of which lead to the same thing. 1. your name is captaincripple and 2. you're doing a carpentry apprenticeship. A captain AND a carpenter? HOW THE F*** DID YOU NOT OPT FOR A PEGLEG?!?! This is really gonna bother me for a long time.

Hit the jump for two more shots from different angles, all of which show a pair of gym shorts that need to be retired.

Continue Reading " Guy Loses Leg, Opts For Cyborg Prosthetic "

Mar 23 2011 Xperia PLAY (Aka PSP Phone) Commercials

This is a commercial for the Sony Experia PLAY phone featuring Kristen Shaal (of Flight of the Concordes and The Daily Show). There's actually a whole series of these ads floating around (which I posted after the jump), all of which are worth a watch. You know, or not, God knows Sony isn't lining my pockets with any money. ALTHOUGH THEY SHOULD. C'mon, I know advertising! Sony bony boners shown. BOOM -- new slogan. Consider that a freebie.

Hit the jump for four or five commercials (I counted!), ordered from best to worst (so you may want to start at the bottom).

Continue Reading " Xperia PLAY (Aka PSP Phone) Commercials "

Mar 23 2011 Pushing Your Buttons: A Keyboard Tuxedo

Nice shirt, bro. IT'S CALLED AN IRON.

Because arts & crafters will never stop hot-gluing things to other things, this is a nonfunctional keyboard tuxedo (not to be confused with functional keyboard pants) made out of 1. a jacket and 2. a bunch of computer keys. It looks like something that crazy f*** with all the question marks on his jacket would wear (you're no Riddler), making it the last thing a normal person would want to be caught dead in. Or caught spread-eagle on the kitchen floor in for that matter. No sir, you're gonna want a 'KISS THE COOK' apron for that one.

A Jacket For Geeks [makeuseof]

Thanks to Sharlene, who fashioned a mousepad dress once but used Elmer's glue instead of hot-glue and was naked before she even left the house.

Mar 22 2011 Bruce Wayne Would Approve: Batman Mirror

Unfortunately, Bruce Wayne didn't approve, which and the piece is entirely unlicensed (my favorite kind of product). Created and sold by Latvian design firm Katz, the 'Bat Mirror' comes with a black, white or gold frame for 290€ ($412). CUSTOM COLORS AVAILABLE FOR EXTRA. HJ'S FREE WITH ORDERS OVER $1,000 (not really but you should insist you have a coupon).

This huge neo-rococo mirror is carefully hand-molded from plaster. The rumor has is that the one who dares to gaze at it long enough would see a certain superhero symbol unravels.

Unravels -- or glares at you like the butthole of a skinny man bent over in a gym locker room? Oh no, OH NO -- DON'T YOU WINK AT ME!

Product Site
via
Bat Mirror [coolmaterial]

Mar 22 2011 Poke It Out With A Stick!: Real Eye Of Sauron

Using an XBox Kinect's motion-tracking capabilities coupled with a Pufferfish globe-projection system, some creepazoids were able to produce a real Eye of Sauron that follows you around the room, all the while talking evil to ya. "Mmmm, I'm gonna run you through and drink your blood." DAMMIT I LIKE IT DIRTY, NOT F***ING EVIL.

The Technology Studio in the U.K. has built itself a desktop version of the unblinking Eye of Sauron, which follows you around with its gaze. It's almost creepy enough to make you want to turn invisible.

Pufferfish displays, called PufferSpheres, use an internal projector and some kind of totally sweet savory lens called an Umami lens that can toss the projection onto a nearly seamless 360 degree sphere.

Pretty cool, right? WRONG -- . It also explains how my psychic has been able to conjure up images of naked ladies in her crystal ball all these years. I'VE BEEN HAD! Just kidding, I knew they weren't real. But did that stop me from masturbating under the table? It did not. What did was the mole on her neck with all the hair growing out of it. Ceiling cat's got nothing on that thing.

Hit the jump for a short video of the eye in action.

Continue Reading " Poke It Out With A Stick!: Real Eye Of Sauron "

Mar 22 2011 Never Trust A Jawa: Star Wars PSA Posters

This is a series of Star Wars themed public service announcement posters created by College Humor. They're all pretty well made. Like American cars! Just kidding, I don't know where American car stand these days. Except mine. Mine stands still. On cinderblocks. You see, somebody stole my wheels. Which is pretty annoying considering I just dropped $80 at Advance Auto Parts for spinning hubcaps. You know, to help blend into the neighborhood. I guess what I'm getting at is I don't live in a very good part of town. *gunshot* See what I mean? "No, but I heard it." Okay now you're just being a f***ing smartass.

Hit the jump for six more, all good.

Continue Reading " Never Trust A Jawa: Star Wars PSA Posters "

Mar 22 2011 Only Seen In Fast Forward: Portal 2's TV Spot

Please, try to keep your witty 'the ad is a lie' comments to a minimum.

Just in case you haven't seen it, this is Portal 2's TV spot. I think I might have seen it once when fast-forwarding through Dancing with the Stars but just kidding because I only DVR'd DWTS, I haven't actually watched it yet. The cast seems pretty booboo this season though, so I might skip it altogether. Just like SNL! Kidding, I actually watch SNL but it does manage to depress the everliving shit out of me week after week. I'm looking at you, Seth Meyers. No, no I'm not either. I get more than enough of that self-satisfied smirk of yours from ninety seconds of Weekend Update. Also, what's up with replaying the same shitty fake commercials (link to an actual good commercial) episode after episode? The pubic hair hair-restoration commercial wasn't funny the first two times. GOD, MAKE SOMETHING NEW. I apologize -- I'm not usually this much of a ranter. Raver, yes. *plunges E-pill up butthole, starts cracking glowsticks*

Hit the jump if you haven't seen it yet. Reminds me of a robotic version of Monsters, Inc.

Continue Reading " Only Seen In Fast Forward: Portal 2's TV Spot "

Mar 22 2011 All Tokyoflash Sale Proceeds To Go To Japan Disaster Relief For Next Two Days

For the next day and change, until MARCH 24TH, 5PM JAPAN TIME (MARCH 24TH, 3AM EST), Tokyoflash is giving 100% of all purchases values to the Japanese Tsunami Relief Fund. So now you can buy the watch you've always wanted and donate to charity at the same time. It's the feel-good deal of the day!

Also, I have two of their newest design, the Kisai Console to give away next week. But don't let that stop you from buying now, because your chances of actually winning one in a Geekologie giveaway are slim to none (literally, I'm going to rig the contest and keep them for myself).

Tokyoflash Official Site

Mar 22 2011 iPhone-Controlled Retractable Kitchen Island

This is a video by Tim Thaler, who designed and built an iPhone controlled retractable kitchen island. While admittedly an interesting concept, YOUR ISLAND COUNTERTOP IS THE FLOOR HALF THE TIME. I don't know how things work in your house, but in my house the kitchen floor is a place dogs scoot their asses across because they suck at wiping. Overall, I give the design a D for "dog raisins".

Hit the jump for a short video of the highly questionable countertop in action.

Continue Reading " iPhone-Controlled Retractable Kitchen Island "

Mar 22 2011 Cold As Hoth Shots: Star Destroyer Ice Luge

Seen here looking like he's trying to blow an entire spaceship, a man takes a shot of tequila from an Imperial Star Destroyer ice luge (link slightly NSFW, sessy boob-luge).

This is a project I made for my friend's birthday. His two favorite things are Star Wars and drinking [GET ME THIS MAN'S #!]. So I combined the two to make this ice luge. While this doesn't have instructions, I used a chainsaw, electric drill with a one inch spade bit, and a 300 pound block of ice.

I do like how you actually pour in the ship's bridge and it travels down two different channels to the front of the ship. That was a nice touch. Because my college roommates and I got an ice luge one summer and let me tell you: a roommate (who will remain nameless. JK -- it was Porterhouse Pete) puked all over it within the first hour. By the time we'd run enough hot water down it to get all the chunks out we were down to an ice cube. I chewed on it. Aaaaaaaand contracted something.

Hit the jump for a schematic and some build shots. Shots, LOL.

Continue Reading " Cold As Hoth Shots: Star Destroyer Ice Luge "

Mar 22 2011 But How Many Feet Does It Get Per Gallon?: A Giant Shoe Car (Don't Tell The Clowns!)

Jealous Old Woman who Lives in a Shoe is jealous.

It actually gets zero feet per gallon because it's electric. It does get 250 miles to a single charge at speeds up to 30MPH though, which isn't bad. Still no word if it comes equipped with modern safety features like ankle socks.

Ten feet long and more than three feet high, the leather bodywork of the electric shoe car is made in the same fashion as a normal shoe, but on a much larger scale. The hide of five bulls was needed and that's...no bull at all.

"It took six months to design and build the car at a cost of around £4,000... The company plans to make 40 of these vehicles for stores around the country," said Wang Zhengtao, Kang Company president.

Somewhere in heaven, five bulls are shaking their heads and blowing smoke out their ringed noses, disappointed. I can see it now:

"Dammit, I wanted to gore a bullfighter!"

"I wanted to be a rockstar's pants!"
"I wanted to run with my brethren in Pamplona!"
"I'd have rather been a gimp mask."
"I had dreams of becoming an expensive Italian sofa one day."
"I was kind of hoping to just f*** cows all day".

"Uh, GW? That was actually six bulls." Haha, no that last one was Old MacDonald. The dude's sick.

The Kang Shoe Company and The Electric Shoe Car [weirdasianews]

Thanks to I Drive a Prius, who -- good for you, now stop sharing.

Mar 22 2011 Guitar Guns: The Double Barrell Stratocaster

Please, no Kurt Cobain jokes in the comments.

Police raided a suspected gun-dealer's home in Luleå, Sweden, and found, among other things (possibly including unsafe sex-toys -- you never know), a homemade shotgun guitar. Or is it a guitar shotgun? Neither? Just shoddily crafted and not even a Stratocaster? Oh.

The oddest of the assortment was the guitar you see here - with a double barrel shotgun inside the body and the barrels running through the neck. Talk about getting your shred on. The body of the guitar had the start of a trigger to fire the shotgun.

The man told the police the guitar was "a fun thing that was not finished." The police found stickers of local gangs and believe the man was selling illegal weapons.

Whoa whoa whoa -- Sweden has gangs?! I thought Sweden was all meatballs and IKEA. Huh? Yes, and Volvo. But gangs? I don't like the sound of that. Or my own name, which is why I want you to call me Dragonlord the Serpent Slaya from now on.

Guitar Shotgun: An Axe and a Gun in One [technabob]

Thanks to Sam, who plays a drum-set packed with TNT. Okaaaaaaaaay, psycho.

Mar 21 2011 Goin' Beefy Crunchy: The New Going Postal

Picture unrelated, but you've still got to admire that aim.

A man (possibly this one), upset his favorite Taco Bell staple, the Beefy Crunch burrito, skyrocketed in price from a moderate $0.99 to an out-of-this world $1.49, decided to take matters into his own hands. And by matters I mean an Airsoft gun. Then a real one. After that there was a hotel stand-off. OVER EX-VALUE MENU BURRITOS.

Police say a San Antonio Taco Bell customer enraged that the seven burritos he ordered had gone up in price fired an air gun at an employee and later fired an assault rifle at officers before barricading himself into a hotel room.

Police say the man fired on officers during a traffic stop after the restaurant incident.

San Antonio police Sgt. Chris Benavides says officers used tear gas Sunday night to force the man from the hotel room after a three-hour standoff. The man is charged with three counts of attempted capital murder.

DAMN BRO, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT $3.50! Is three counts of attempted capital murder really worth it? WHO THE F*** EATS SEVEN BURRITOS ANYWAY? Maybe if you shed some lb's four burritos would actually do it for you! Jesus, at least tell me there was a flat Baja Blast involved.

Police: Angry Taco Bell customer fires at officers [sfgate]

Thanks to neolardo and Syccness, who did stink-bomb a Burger King once after the cashier told them the shake machine was broken. RIGHTFULLY SO!

Mar 21 2011 Film Formulas: Mathy-Ass Movie Tittles

Tittles -- not changing it.

These are a bunch of movie titles expressed as math. Can you guess them all? I could only get one. Of course, math never was my best subject. Unless we're talking about playing Drugwars on my TI-83, in which case I could slang ludes and coke with the best of them. Plus one time during a test I made a graph that looked like two titties entirely by accident. Now I know what you're wondering, and no, sadly I didn't get any extra credit for it. What I did get was to retake the class in the summer. It all worked out though because I actually met my first love in summer school. God -- what was her name again? Oh right, Model Airplane Glue. I used to kiss her in a paper bag in between classes. Yeah, we was in the loves. Till I met Whip-Its!

Hit the jump for the answers in case you're more of the quitting type.

Continue Reading " Film Formulas: Mathy-Ass Movie Tittles "

Mar 21 2011 AT&T To Buy T-Mobile For Cool $39-Billion

AT&T just announced their intention to buy T-Mobile for a whopping $39-billion. Hopefully they'll rename the company AT&T-Mobile, but probably not considering they can't even stop my phone from autonomously sending nakey pictures of myself to random people in my phonebook whenever I get blackout drunk. Seriously, AT&T -- your network is f***ed.

Once the deal is approved, AT&T will buff up their 86 millionish customers with T-Mobile's 34 million subscribers--giving them around 120 million customers, making them way ahead of Verizon's 94 million. AT&T won't only be the biggest game in town, it'll be the only major GSM carrier in town.

Things might not change for a while--the deal's going to take 12 months to be finalized, if it's approved by the FCC and FTC--but since there is only one "little" major carrier left with Sprint, the big boys in Verizon and AT&T can now do and charge what they want knowing there's fewer places for people to flee. Sprint's going to be the only cheap major carrier around.

At closing, AT&T will immediately gain cell sites equivalent to what would have taken on average five years to build without the transaction, and double that in some markets. The combination will increase AT&T's network density by approximately 30 percent in some of its most populated areas, while avoiding the need to construct additional cell towers.

No word if the new towers will help prevent dropped calls when I'm sitting on the john talking to people and pretending I'm not in the bathroom, but hopefully. Oh that? I'm skipping rocks. Yeah, by the old railroad tracks. UUHHHHNNNNNN!! Now I just picked up and dropped a big-ass boulder in the water. Haha, are you buying this? Listen I gotta go I think I just popped a blood vessel.

AT&T Is Buying T-Mobile to Become the Biggest Carrier in the US [gizmodo]

Thanks to Michael and Vanessa, who need to stop bickering AND BLOWING MY SPOT UP. DO YOU WANT TO LOSE YOUR CELL-PHONE PRIVILEGES?!

Mar 21 2011 Wah-Wah Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah: The Original Star Trek Theme Played On Musical Saw

Seen here looking like that saw is vibratin' her in all the right places (read: the bajina), street subway performer Natalia Paruz plays the original Star Trek theme on a musical saw. She definitely has the skills. She definitely also has a banner advertising herself tacked to the wall behind her, making her the fanciest panhandler I've ever seen. And that's saying a lot, because just this weekend I saw one drop his pants and start playing with himself IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERSECTION. So classy. If he was wearing a top hat instead of two different shoes I would've sworn he was Mr. Monopoly.

Hit the jump for the wah-wahs.

Continue Reading " Wah-Wah Wah-Wah-Wah-Wah: The Original Star Trek Theme Played On Musical Saw "

Mar 21 2011 Guy Builds Army Of Scrap Metal Transformers

The Chinese man who calls himself the 'steel legend' (best known for his scrap metal Megatron tank and being a firm believer that welding-goggles are overrated), has actually created a whole army of scrap-metal Transformers. Don't ask me what characters they are, because i only recognized Bumblebee and Optimus Prime, but maybe they're models of Chinese knock-offs. Like the Mighty Morphine Power Wrangler toys I had growing up.

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " Guy Builds Army Of Scrap Metal Transformers "

Mar 21 2011 Iran: Now With Autonomous Flying Saucers

Iran, in an attempt to toot its own horn, released a press release about the successful development of an autonomous reconnaissance 'flying saucer', with the above picture attached. That, uh...that looks pretty sketchy. HOW HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED YOUR LESSON?! Iran, you need to go ahead and fire your whole Photoshop department, because that dude suuuuuucks.

The ship is called Zohal -- Saturn in Persian -- and is designed for aerial imaging. Zohal has a data downlink and can fly in both indoor and outdoor spaces, according to the Fars News Service. The Daily Mail points out that Fars is a hard-line state-run news service.

From the news release: "The flying machine is equipped with an auto-pilot system, GPS (Global Positioning System) and two separate imaging systems with full HD 10 mega-pixel picture quality and is able to take and send images simultaneously."

I'm not gonna lie, if I was in charge I would have gone with a different picture. Something, what's the word I'm looking for -- yes -- less horribly shitty looking. That thing looks like it was scanned out of a 1940's sci-fi magazine. "Amir -- we need a picture of a flying saucer, STAT!". "Yes, sir!" *copy/pastes screencap from Flight of the Navigator*

Iran Announces Launch Of Its Unmanned Flying Saucer [popsci]

Thanks to Schmaltz and Kaz, whose names both end in z. That's pretty rare.

Mar 21 2011 Jedi Martial Arts School Opens In Chile

Hey you -- girl on the right. Less rainbow scarf, more lightsaber.

Because there's nothing a little Force can't teach, a school is opening in Chile to learn children the way of the Jedi, alongside some Taekwondo and yoga for good measure. *searching for online enrollment* DAMN YOU, 12-YEAR OLD AGE LIMIT!

The pint-sized Padawans can now attend an actual Jedi Temple in Quilpué where they'll learn martial arts and make their geeky parents totally envious of their training.

Children between the ages of 6 and 12 years old can learn yoga and Taekwondo, combined with the teachings of Jedi values like wisdom and nobility. The lucky apprentices even get their own lightsabers, because the school's creator, William Berrueta, believes in crafting a fully immersive environment that is educational and entertaining.

Dammit, where was the 'beat other kids in the head with a plastic lightsaber' school when I was growing up? I don't even think we had replica lightsabers back then, just pointy sticks. One time I did Force-choke a kid on the playground though. Just kidding. I tied him to the swingset with a jump rope and threw black walnuts at his head.

Badass 'Star Wars' School Opens in Chile [cinematical]

Thanks to Clay and aaron, who turned to the Dark Side and started lightsabering the teacher in the neck during a breathing exercise.

Mar 21 2011 NOT WHAT I WANTED TO WAKE UP TO: Short About Blinky™ The Creepy Pet Robot

This is a must-watch movie short (~13-minutes) about a boy who gets a pet robot named Blinky. Shit goes straight south from there. It was written and directed by Ruairi Robinson and stars Max from Where the Wild Things Are (which took some serious liberties with the original dialogue). It's terrifying to say the least. Literally -- THE LEAST. I already had a nightmare about stabbing a friend to death with Neptune's trident and then I wake up to this. Wonderful. I would've rather woken up in the middle of a Saw movie with my nuts dangling in a food processor.

Hit the jump, stick it to the man for 13-minutes, then spend the rest of the day cowering under your desk with a letter opener.

Continue Reading " NOT WHAT I WANTED TO WAKE UP TO: Short About Blinky™ The Creepy Pet Robot "

Mar 20 2011 .XXX Domain Names Pass Final Approval

Despite thinking it was done in June of last year, the ICANN (no, no I can't either) registry has OFFICIALLY approved the dispatch of .xxx domains for use by pr0n sites. *pre-registers fetish site www.bangingdinoassro.xxx*

On Friday in San Francisco, the California nonprofit that oversees Internet addresses gave the green light to the virtual red-light district. The vote comes after several years of clashes and deliberations by the Internet Corp. for Assigned Names and Numbers.

Adult-entertainment sites will still populate the .com space and every other corner of the Internet. But now, many pornographic sites can also join a specialized domain that instantly telegraphs its content with the infamous suffix. ICM Registry, a Florida-based company that will run .xxx, said the domain's Web sites will be the Internet's most trusted place for adult entertainment: ICM will monitor the sites to ensure that they prohibit spam, viruses and any other illegal behavior. And it says it will use some of the registration fees for an affiliated foundation to promote free speech and combat child pornography.

But the dirty domain has a slew of critics. The Obama administration and some foreign nations say the domain's offensive material will only encourage oppressive regimes to block .xxx entirely.

Eh, I kind of like getting my credit-card info stolen by shifty pr0n sites. And then tracking down whoever's responsible and beating them within an inch of their life. It's kind of a hobby of mine. Some people make model airplanes. I just sniff the glue and make necklaces out of teeth.

Coming soon to a computer near you: Dot-XXX [washingtonpost]

Thanks to Patrick and Ferrous, who are both holding out for the approval of .tits. Ha -- what guy isn't?!

Mar 20 2011 Microsoft, Feds Bring Down BotNet Spam Ring, Boner Pill Emails Drop Almost 40%

Uh, is that a dude with tits?

Microsoft, working with the federal gubment, successfully raided a number of web-hosts around the country, bringing down a bot-network of compromised computers they believe are responsible for as much as 40% of all spam emails. Weird, because my box is still packed with boner-pills. Did I say box? I meant butt. That's where I keep my stash.

"Shutting down Rustock could put a huge dent in spam worldwide," reports CNet. Indeed, tech security giant Symantec estimated last year that Rustock was responsible for 39% of the world's spam. "The shutdown is one of the rare victories against cybercriminals who use botnets, or herds of compromised computers, to wreak havoc on the internet," writes VentureBeat. "It shows that technology can be used to perpetrate cyber crime as well as to hunt down cyber criminals."

Alas, "At the moment, it's safest to say Rustock has been made inactive, rather than having been taken down," according to DigitalTrends.com. "The estimated million infected zombie computers are still out there, and if Rustock's creators are wily they might be able to regain control over some portion of them."

Great, now where am I supposed to go for cheap drugs? "The ghetto." The ghetto?! But it's dangerous to go alone! "Here, take this." *looking* This is a sign that says 'ROB ME' with a bunch of racial slurs.

Spam Network Shut Down [wallstreetjournal]

Thanks to Rooble, who, got any testosterone pills?

Mar 18 2011 Freaky Chicken/Turkey 'Churkey' Mutants

They look f***in' delicious.

These freaky-ass 'Transylvanian Naked Neck Chickens' (yes, really) are chickens with a genetic mutation that gives them turkey-like necks. Or did one bang a giraffe? I'm on to you, Old MacFrankenstein!

The scientists said the effects of the genetic mutation were enhanced by a vitamin A-derived substance produced around the bird's neck.

This causes a protein, BMP12, to be produced, suppressing feather growth and causing the bird to have its bald neck, according to researchers at the Roslin Institute at Edinburgh University.

The team said the findings could help poultry production in hot countries because chickens with naked necks were better equipped to withstand the heat.

You know what other kind of chicken is better equipped to withstand the head? Nuggets. Seriously, they actually taste better if you cook them instead of just sucking on them frozen. But not by much!

Experts unravel 'churkey' appearance mystery [bbcnews]
via
Meet the weird bird that's half-chicken, half-turkey [io9]

Thanks to kelly, who wants to know if they'll still run around for awhile if you cut their heads off. THEY BETTER!

Mar 18 2011 Pedaling Plastered: The Bicycle Beer Holder

This $22 bicycle beer holder comfortably keeps a 6-pack of beer bottles right below your nuts. No word what to do if you're more of a 18-pack a day kinda guy, but my guess is get a basket. Alternatively, buy six-packs of cans, which come with their own plastic bike-mounts. Or do what I do and beg a neighbor to drive you to the liquor store and get a keg. That way you only have to go like once a week! "Over 150 beers a week -- really GW?" Really what? Economical? Yes.

Hit the jump for one more shot of the yes, yes you can get a DUI on a bike (I ran straight into a wall in front of a cop in college).

Continue Reading " Pedaling Plastered: The Bicycle Beer Holder "

Mar 18 2011 Do It Yourself: Geeky Homemade Lamp

This is a homemade lamp designed by Anonymity Blaze by replacing an old floor lamp's panels with ones that've been stenciled/sketched with a bunch of pictures of geeky-ass thangs. COULD'VE USED A DINO I'M JUST SAYIN'.

So, today's crafty post. I had this floor lamp that I loved very much, but some of the panels had been damaged over the years, so I decided to cut all the panels out, replace the ones that were too badly ripped and salvage the ones that weren't. Maybe I'd add some small embellishments, I thought. Then it turned into an epic stencil project that took up all my crafts-for-me time throughout January and February.

There's several more pictures after the jump showing it from all sides, but you'll need to peep her blog for some real nice closeups. Geez, way to make my lamp look like trash. "GW, that's not a lamp, that's a bare lightbulb dangling from a coat hanger." Haha, you like that, do you? You should see my bedside one! "That's your bedside lamp? It looks like a box of tissues in a wastebasket." *produces lighter from pocket* Hold up -- let me turn it on.

Hit the jump for some detail shots.

Continue Reading " Do It Yourself: Geeky Homemade Lamp "

Mar 18 2011 For The Ladies: Sessy Pac-Man Dresses

This is a line of $32 Pac-Man dresses from 80'sTees. Why they didn't bother making a Ms. Pac-Man version is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with BLATANT SEXISM. Proud Don Draper would be proud. Also, what's up with the model? I feel like ol' Demoneyes McSoulstealer is trying to cast a spell on me. No? Something behind me? Whew.

Product Site
via
Sexy Pac-Man Tank Dresses [fashionablygeek]

Thanks to Shannon, who claims she knows what guys like. Really? Whisper it in my ear. HA -- You're good. "Anything with boobs" is correct!

Mar 18 2011 High-Res Cassini Space Probe Photos Used To Make Realistic Video Fly-By Of Saturn

Space: I've lived there. It was pretty cool. Never been to Saturn though, although I did regretfully visit Uranus once. Fine, TWICE. Just kidding -- your butt's mad nasty! This is a video fly-by of Saturn created from photos taken by the Cassini space probe. I watched it high. No, no I didn't. I watched it holding my head between my hands praying I don't puke again.

Cassini has been snapping away photos ever since it was launched and recently, as part of an IMAX movie project called Outside In, some of these hi res images have been tweaked and cropped, and compiled into the short video above...

For extra geek points, look out for the inspiration for the Death Star, Saturn's moon Mimas and its Herschel Crater, clearly visible as Cassini flies over.

Wait a minute -- what the hell are geek points and why haven't I heard of them? Can you trade them in for prizes? Can they be mined like Warcraft gold? Is there a website I can go to that tracks my total? I WANT ANSWERS. Ooooooor a handful of aspirin and a nap.

Hit the jump and get ready to play outerspace (skip to the 1:00 mark for the good stuff).

Continue Reading " High-Res Cassini Space Probe Photos Used To Make Realistic Video Fly-By Of Saturn "

Mar 18 2011 The Wild World Of Wieners: Interactive Map Of Average Dangle Dimensions By Country

Note: Viagra'd version HERE.

This is a map of the world according to dangle-down dimensions. There's actually an interactive version HERE, where if you click around it'll give you a country's actual average in both centimeters and inches despite you typically measuring in millimeters. *viewing map* Did you guys know I'm Colombian? I am. You can tell by the mustache. Get it? Because it's cocaine!

Targetmap
via
World Penis Size Map [disinfo]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom, who's all of a sudden insisting he's from Canada. Wow, a Canadian poser -- I never thought I'd see the day.

Mar 18 2011 Super Mario Bros. Viewed From First Person

This is a Freddie Wong video of what the first level of Super Mario Bros. looks like to Mario. AKA FRIST PERSON (not changing it). I was a little disappointed Mario didn't opt to go down a pipe when he had the chance (stop cutting corners!) because I've always been curious about what it looks like on the way down. I NEED TO KNOW, DAMMIT. Is there TP and flushed tampons stuck to the walls or what? "GW, please -- it's the day after St. Patrick's Day and I already feel like puking". Hey, I'm right here with you. You know what'll fix this? My dog licking his boner. *pukes face off, wipes mouth on roommate's fresh towel* Worked like a charm!

Hit the jump for the goomba stomping in action.

Continue Reading " Super Mario Bros. Viewed From First Person "

Mar 18 2011 Full-Moon On Saturday Largest In 20 Years

There's a full moon Saturday and it's gonna appear the largest it has in almost 20 years, and won't happen again until 2029. So yeah, probably a good idea to give it a peep just in case shit hits the fan in the meantime (which it WILL). Also, be sure to tell all your friends so they think you're space-hip. Then casually drop some names like Carl Sagan and J.K. Rowling Stephen Hawking to really knock their moon-boots off.

"The last full moon so big and close to Earth occurred in March of 1993," said Geoff Chester with the U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington. "I'd say it's worth a look."

Full moons look different because of the elliptical shape of the moon's orbit. When it's at perigee, the moon is about 31,000 miles (50,000 km) closer to Earth than when it's at the farthest point of its orbit, also known as apogee.

"Nearby perigee moons are about 14% bigger and 30% brighter than lesser moons that occur on the apogee side of the moon's orbit," the NASA website says.

This full moon will rise in the east at sunset and should look especially big at that time because of what's known as the "moon illusion."

Damn, I don't think I saw the last one. 1993, that would have made me *counting on fingers* forty-four. Wait *recounting* twelve -- I would have been twelve. Not sure how I screwed that up the first time. I'm gonna be honest though, I probably didn't care about the moon too much at twelve. Pogs and magic-eye picture books, yes. Some things never change!

Weekend full moon the biggest in about 20 years [cnn]

Thanks to Evil Ares, who wanted me to give him credit for making the moon BUT I REFUSE. You're evil, you' don't deserve it!

Mar 17 2011 For That 'Chiseled From Granite Play-Doh' Look: The Ab-Hancer Abdominal Enhancer

The Ab-hancer is an (fl)ab-enhancing product from the same a-holes who brought us the Ass-istant and Tricep-tional fat-shapers (I'm grasping at straws here folks. Literally -- I'm drunk and there's like five of them in this giant green cocktail). I'm not even sure this is a real product. I should rephrase that. I'm hoping it's not even a real product. And not just because if you're really fat you're gonna wind up with a sideways 12-pack, but that's just poor design. Just like the Ass-istant. What good is a product that's supposed to lift and separate my butt-cheeks if if every time I fart it sounds like an air-raid siren going off? Exaaaaactly -- one that's only fun at parties.

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY, I'M OUT!

The AB Hancer [buzzfeed]

Mar 17 2011 Shockwave Generator: Engine Of The Future

Seen here looking suspiciously like some sort of Pagan sun talisman, a shock-wave generator may prove to be the future of engines, pushing traditional internal-combustion joints to the wayside. Ooooooor being all bullshit. Oooooor having its patent rights bought up by engine manufacturers and buried. Not unlike what happened to hovercars. F*** you, Michelin Man!

The generator is about the size of a saucepot, and would replace the 1,000-pound power train in most cars -- no transmission, cooling system, emissions regulation or fluids needed.

It consists of a rotor carved with wave-like channels. Fuel and air enter through central inlets, and the rotor spins to block their exit through a separate outlet. The sudden build-up of pressure generates a shock wave, compressing the mixture. Then it's ignited, and as the rotor keeps spinning, the outlet opens again to let the hot gases escape.

The novel generator would use about 60 percent of fuel for propulsion, according to MSU. This is a dramatic improvement over typical car engines, which use only 15 percent of fuel for forward movement. The system could also make cars 20 percent lighter, improving fuel economy even more.

Well damn, what can't it do?! "Actually exist". Touché, my skeptical friend. "I'm not your friend." You can say that again, dick!

Shockwave-Generating Wave Discs Could Replace Internal Combustion Engines [popsci]

Thanks to Score_u_sum_Rod, who -- oh gosh, can you really?!

Mar 17 2011 Survey Says...Trekkies Are A Fun Bunch

In other facts & figures news, Star Trek fanpage Subspace Comminque recently conducted a survey of 5,041 Trek-lovers to determine just now nuts they are about Tribble-based foreplay or whatever else ungodly things they're into. What do you mean you're setting your phaser to 'makeshift buttplug'? LET ME SEE THAT DIAL!

• 57% of the Trekkies who voted were female, suggesting there are more lady fans than guy fans [dons captain's uniform, practices best 'beam me up, Scotty' voice]
• The respondents were mostly single, over 40, and well-educated [creates new Middle-age Matchmaker profile, reads physics book]
• "Trekkies" was the most popular term for fandom receiving 43% of the vote [reminds myself to stop calling them Trek Peckers]
• 79% said they were involved in Star Trek fandom because they agreed with the philosophical ideals of the shows [denounces Jedi religion]
• Fellow fan behavior considered by the interviewees to be "deviant" were as follows: Unable to tell reality from fantasy (89%); considers Star Trek "their whole world" (67%); indulging in cosplay (47%); referring to oneself as a character name or taking on a "rank" (39%); producing fan films (13%); playing in themed music bands (4%) [brags about being born aboard the Enterprise]

Hmm, not really sure what to make of all that. There's an entire 28-page report HERE if you're interested, which I read about a quarter of before getting real sad about the whole thing and having to slam 64 oz's of green beer to cheer myself up. Which worked. "Uh, GW -- why's your penis green?" Oh, that? I tried siphoning.

Trekkie Stats Of The Day [geeks.thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Tom, who doesn't consider himself a Trekkie as much as he considers himself a real-life Vulcan. NO DEATH-GRIPPIN' MY WIENER, BRO!

Mar 17 2011 British Believe In Lightsabers & Hover Boards

A recent study conducted by Birmingham Science City has revealed that an alarming number of British folks believe science-fiction technologies actually exist today. The highlights (or lowlights depending on how you feel about the future of society):

• More than a fifth of adults believe light sabers exist.
• Almost 25 percent of people believe humans can be teleported.
• Nearly 50 percent of adults believe that memory-erasing technology exists.
• More than 40 percent believe that hover boards exist.
• Almost one-fifth of adults believe they can see gravity

To their credit, memory-erasing technology actually DOES exist *puts thumb to lips and pretends to drink straight from a bottle* but believing the rest of that stuff? That's just embarrassing. WHAT ARE YOU BLOKES -- STUPID?! "Americans scored twice as poorly." SONOFA!

Time to turn on the tardis [birminghamsciencecity]
via
The Force Is Strong: One in Five Brits Think Light Sabers Exist [aolnews]

Thanks to Keith and manda, at least one of which is British but I promised not to tell which so you can't start stereotyping (Keith does smell like fish & chips though, just sayin').

Mar 17 2011 What Are You, Taunting Me?: Geekologie Reader Builds Homemade Robotic Spider

"Dammit, GW, spiders have eight legs." YOU SHUT UP.

This is SAMSA II, a hexapod robot built by Uruguayan Geekologie Reader pabloxid. Why he decided to send me a video of the thing I have no idea, but I assume it has something to do with luring me to Uruguay to rough him up a bit only to fall into some sort of robotic trap and get my nuts tampered with for awhile. NO THANKS. That said, I was too afraid to watch this thing alone so I made my ladyfriend watch it with me (who hates robots almost as much as I do and spiders even more) and she started beating laptop's monitor with a rolled up magazine. WTF, GIRL?! STOP DILLY-DALLYIN' AND USE YOUR FLIP-FLOP!

Hit the jump for the arachnaboticphobia in action.

Continue Reading " What Are You, Taunting Me?: Geekologie Reader Builds Homemade Robotic Spider "

Mar 17 2011 3-Pound, 3/4 Size Carbon Fiber Travel Guitar Tries To Pack As Much Sound As A Full-Body

Fat sound in a little suit.

The Blackbird Rider (who the hell rides Blackbirds -- what are you, a forest nymph?!) is a 3-pound acoustic travel (3/4 size) guitar made entirely out of carbon fiber (NOT Millennium Falcon) and designed for 1. super portability and 2. as much sound as possible. I dunno, I'm still partial to toting an air-horn.

Built out of carbon fiber, the manufacturer, SF-based Blackbird Guitars, claims that at 3 pounds, the Rider is one of the lightest guitars in the world. Contrast that to your average Fender Stratocaster, which weighs more than twice that.

The designers of the Blackbird Rider solved that problem [weak sound] by a.) extending the shoulder to the 10th fret, which increases the overall volume of the sound box; b.) carving an asymmetrical hole in the body that hole works like an amplifier, boosting the effective size of the sound board; and c.) having a body made of continuous sheets of carbon fiber, rather than separate pieces of wood whose joints absorb sound vibrations (and sap volume).

The guitars start at $1,600, which, I'll be honest, is $200 more than I've ever paid for a car. Granted you can't play a two-tone 1991 Chrysler LeBaron to serenade the ladies and get your slide-whistle wet, but you can neutral-drop it at every stop light until the transmission falls out. SUCK IT, JOHN MAYER! My body IS a wonderland though -- you were right about that. Just kidding, but I did convince the Smurfs it was an amusement park once.

Hit the jump for a couple more product shots and a link to the official site.

Continue Reading " 3-Pound, 3/4 Size Carbon Fiber Travel Guitar Tries To Pack As Much Sound As A Full-Body "

Mar 17 2011 Possible Leaked Sequel Footage (Not Really)

Note: Video possibly NSFW due to some pirate-talk. Keep the speakers on low and you should be gravy. Me? I'm a country biscuit.

I won't tell you what sequel because that would ruin the surprise, but I f***ing love ruining surprising so I'll just tell you: 'Transformers'. Just kidding. No but seriously it's actually from the new 'Pirates of the Caribbean'. That was also a lie, despite the awesome tie-in to the 'pirate-talk' alluded to in the note above. What do you know -- I guess I'm better at keeping secrets than I'd thought! 'Iron Man 3' -- 'IRON MAN 3'! Dammit, and I was doing so well. And I still am because that wasn't it either! Haha, second chances! Everybody gets one.

Hit the jump to find out, but you have been clued.

Continue Reading " Possible Leaked Sequel Footage (Not Really) "

Mar 17 2011 What We've Learned From Zombie Movies

I learned they make it harder for me to sleep at night.

Note: Slightly larger version HERE but you still won't be able to read the ultra-fine print.

This is an infographic summarizing the weaponry used in some of the most well-known zombie movies of the past few decades. Based on what I've been able to gather, my anti-undead armory will consist of the following:

1. Distance: assault rifle (with at least thirty backpacks of ammo scattered across the city)
2. Close range: a broomstick with a knife taped to the end (I really should have looked into how much assault rifles cost before committing to the purchase)
3. Preventative: fireworks left over from the 4th of July (zombies are notoriously stupid so I'm hoping they'll mistake them for dynamite and keep their distance)
4. Melee: chain-mail gloves (I've never actually beat a head in before but one time when I was shaking my wiener dry at a urinal it touched the side so I at least have some experience. Also: a growth. 'Bubba Ho-tep' reference -- count it)

So -- WHO'S COMING WITH ME?! Anybody? Oh you think you're soooooo much better prepared than I am. FINE. Did I mention I also have a tank? TOO LATE! I just found out how many true friends I have, and that number is ZERO. I don't eve know if I want to survive a zombie apocalypse anymore! *watching for a reaction* REALLY -- NOBODY'S EVEN GONNA TRY TO TALK ME DOWN?!

Mitchell Hatch's Behance
via
Yet Another Zombie Infographic [nethernoir]

Thanks to Melissa, who agrees the best zombie defense is a strong rocketship.

Mar 16 2011 Pepsi's New 100% Veggie Material Bottles

Pepsi, in a race to beat Coke in the battle of earth-friendlier, which, while certainly respectable, sounds like the most boring fight ever, has announced they've found a way to produce plastic-like bottles entirely out of vegetable matter (NOT squirrels). But can you eat them after?

Materials used include switch grass, pine bark, and corn husks. PepsiCo plans to eventually begin incorporating organic leftovers from its food business.

According to PepsiCo senior VP of advanced research Rocco Papalia, the way the new PET bottles feel and protect their contents is indistinguishable from their plastic siblings. "We've cracked the code," he is quoted as saying. "It's a beautiful thing to behold."

No word if Pepsi will still taste like artificially sweetened assholes in the new bottle, but my guess is probably. And, before you ask -- yes, I have. What? It was spring break and I thought I was taking a body shot!

Green Initiative of the Day: PepsiCo's Plant-Based Bottles [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Kristin, who drinks soda the old fashioned way: by opting for tea instead.

Mar 16 2011 We'd Totes Be BFFs: If God Facebooked

Note: This is only a wee-bit of it, you've got to hit the jump to see the whole thing.

You probably can't tell just by reading this, but I actually duct-taped a baseball bat sticking out from the kitchen table at crotch-level and ran into it headlong at full speed for including 'totes' in an article title. Rest assured, if I don't have the moral fortitude to NOT do something stupid in the first place, I'll at least punish myself for it afterward. Usually something ballsy. This is a recreation of God's Facebook page as imagined by CoolMaterial. This isn't the first time it's been done. Like, for real. By any means. Still, I thought it was worth a gander. Not unlike my neighbor across the street undressing. Yeah, and if you're watching through a video camera and zoom in all the way on his tits you can trick your brain into thinking he's a woman! I mean, I've heard. The guy upstairs told me.

Hit the jump to see the whole thing. But first, friend Geekologie on Facebook HERE.

Continue Reading " We'd Totes Be BFFs: If God Facebooked "

Mar 16 2011 Jump Through One, I Dare You: Portals IRL

They really tie the room together. Literally!

Because you all felt obligated to trash this guy's Portal mirror despite your own, non-existent Portal mirrors being infinitely shittier, a couple decided to improve the design to include some colored rope-lighting. These are the results. The results from the IQ test? Hold on, I've got those too. You: 0. Yeah, the tester said you turned in a comic book. Personally, I would've tossed you a few points for that.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots including one of the back in case you're really struggling with the concept of attaching rope-lights to the back of a mirror.

Continue Reading " Jump Through One, I Dare You: Portals IRL "

Mar 16 2011 Happy Endings: Hachi The Terminator Dog

I meant to post this earlier this week but it got buried in my inbox under a plethora of 'add 6-inches to your d*ck' spam (which, for the record, yes, would make me all of 8-inches). Ha, who knew you're not supposed to use your primary email when signing up for shifty websites. You live and learn. Ooooooor live and continue doing the same thing over and over again like me. Per an email 'Hachi the Terminator dog' tipster Allis sent me over the weekend:

You are a miracle worker. We have had Hachi in our adoption program for over a year and a half. Sarting Thursday through today, we have received about 30 applications to adopt him! And in the last year and 1/2, maybe five or six, and all for one reason or another would not work for him.

We are all grateful that you chose Hachi and we are keeping our fingers crossed that this will be his good luck charm to his forever home.

A reporter contacted us and is going to write a story about him, so if one of the current applications don't work, he will have more coverage.

Thanks again for chosing Hachi. We are all very grateful!!!

BOOM -- consider yourself happy-ended. "I, uh -- I had something different in mind." Shut up, pervert. YOU'LL GET KICKED IN THE NUTS AND LIKE IT.

Original Post

Thanks again to Alli, who encourages you all to have your pet spayed or neutered (just like Bob would!) and seriously consider adoption when it comes to picking a pet.

Mar 16 2011 Your Parents, They Must Be So Proud: Dude Gets Hello Kitty Tattoo In Middle Of Forehead

Seen here looking suspiciously like a cadaver with candy corns for teeth and M.U.S.C.L.E. Men in its weave, some dude decided to get a Hello Kitty tattoo smack-dab in the middle of his forehead. Why? Your guess is as good as mine, but I'm leaning towards 'why not?', which is the worst reason to do anything besides throw a BBQ. There's one more even worse picture (you thought it wasn't possible! Oh it's possible) after the jump but honestly I recommend not looking at it. I don't care about the page views, I care about your well-being. That said, I'm pretty sure I just essentially guaranteed you'll click the link AND convinced you that I care. Are you getting all this, Freud? Freud?! IF YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM WITH A PICTURE OF YOUR MOM AGAIN...

Jump and regret it.

Continue Reading " Your Parents, They Must Be So Proud: Dude Gets Hello Kitty Tattoo In Middle Of Forehead "

Mar 16 2011 It's A Jork!: The Self-Aware XBox Kinect Hack

This is a College Humor original about a guy who hacked his XBox Kinect to be self aware. It's every bit as frightening as you might expect and I believe offers a real glimpse of the future. Ooooooor that movie 'Eagle Eye' with Shay LeBouff (not changing it), which I've seen twice despite being one of the shittiest movies ever made. That said, I thought this video was actually pretty funny. The guy's delivery is great. My mailman's? Dude couldn't delivery himself out of a wet paper bag with box cutters in his hand. You hear me? BONER PILLS OR I RELEASE THE DOGS.

Hit the jump for the LOLs.

Continue Reading " It's A Jork!: The Self-Aware XBox Kinect Hack "

Mar 16 2011 #$%&in' Furries: Horse Hoof Boots And Shoes

There are boots that look like hooves for all you Mr. Tumnus cosplayers out there. Which, I'm not ashamed to admit, I'm one of. What about you guys, let's get a show of hands. QUICK -- TRANQ-DART THESE FREAKS!

A carbon-fibre hoof and up to 5,000 individual horse hairs make up the £1,300 [~$2,100] shoes which were created by a team of fashion designers.

Model Louise Dainton, 25, who posed on a turf catwalk wearing the human horseshoes, said: "I'm not sure they are for everyone but I definitely want a pair of hooves."

Really, Louise? Of all the things I definitely want a pair of, hooves aren't one of them. Unstained underwear and fuzzy dice, yes. Hooves? Those are pretty low on my desired pair list. Right between 'nuts that haven't dropped' and 'moobs'.

Hit the jump for a higher-res shot of a pair and models modeling them.

Continue Reading " #$%&in' Furries: Horse Hoof Boots And Shoes "

Mar 16 2011 No Fruit Roll-Up?: A Lunchbox Video Camera

Worst. lunch. ever.

The LunchCommunicator is a lunchbox with an integrated video camera that automatically starts recording to capture both your parent making your lunch (so you know they're not trying to poison you), as well as you eating it (so they know you ate the poison). It's supposed to help nurture appreciation for your family or something. You know, or Youtube videos of kids packing fruit-snacks up their noses. God, those were the days. What? I still ate them after!

When someone makes you lunch in the morning, the video camera records the whole thing. Later, when you eat, the computer plays back the behind the scenes making-of video, while recording you stuffing your face. And finally, when you get home, the video of you eating and hopefully enjoying yourself is available for viewing

Interesting concept. Unfortunately, I see this sort of thing getting predominately picked up by food porn enthusiasts. Also, icing bags and penis-shaped cookie cutters.

Hit the jump for a brief video demo of the 'open box, remove food, close box, throw away vegetables, open box pretending to eat last bite'.

Continue Reading " No Fruit Roll-Up?: A Lunchbox Video Camera "

Mar 15 2011 Crocheted Futurama Bender 'Toque' (Hat)

OMG SOMEBODY GET THAT ROBOT A BEER BEFORE HE KILLS US ALL.

I had to look up what a toque was because I thought it was when you smoke the marijuanas but that made zero sense in this context. Nope, turns out it's a brimless hat most commonly known for being the tall white ones chefs wear. Hey, you learn something new everyday. Today I learned I don't give a f*** what a toque is.

Check out this Bender toque that was crocheted by hand by [Etsy seller] Cheewawamomma!

You have to admit that Bender is one of the most likable robots on TV, given his sunny disposition. Although I'm not sure if the kid wearing the toque should be having her mind corrupted by watching Futurama yet, adults sure can enjoy it. I guess that's why the hat is covering up her eyes and ears.

Thanks but no thanks, lady, I have my own bender helmet. Get it? Because my mom makes me wear protective headgear so I don't injure myself when I'm drunk. It used to be a lacrosse helmet, but I recently switched to a motorcycle helmet because I think it makes me look more like a fighter pilot. ROGER DODGER BOGEY BARTENDER, GW NEEDS ANOTHER SHOT, OVER. "You're cut off." OH COME ON -- BECAUSE I PISSED MY FLIGHT-SUIT?! "Those are capris." I'M A NAVY PILOT.

Hit the jump for a crocheted Bender toilet paper cover made by the same artist.

Continue Reading " Crocheted Futurama Bender 'Toque' (Hat) "

Mar 15 2011 Worthwhile Super Mario IRL Movie Trailer

This is 'Mario', a recent movie short by Joe Nicolosi shown at SXSW that reimagines Mario in real life (specifically, as an indie-movie). Granted that's not the most original concept, but the execution is top-notch (not to confused with side-notch, which is when you poke an extra hole in your belt because you've gained weight and are too cheap or in denial to buy another one). So yeah, hit the jump and give it a watch -- what do you have to lose? I mean, besides your job. WHO CARES, YOU HATE YOUR BOSS ANYWAY! Dude's a real dick, I'm not gonna lie.
...
...
He's reading this over your shoulder, isn't he? Tell him what you told me about his wife's tits! Haha! Sorry I'm probably not helping, am I?

Hit the jump, I thought it was good.

Continue Reading " Worthwhile Super Mario IRL Movie Trailer "

Mar 15 2011 Man Hires Group To Beat The $#!7 Out Of His Lamborghini After Poor Customer Service

Do you see what happens, Lambi?...THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, LAMBI! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU F*** A STRANGER IN THE ASS!

So apparently March 15, besides being Space-Bat Day, is also World Consumer Rights Day. News to me. Not exciting news, mind you.

On 15 March 1963, President John F Kennedy gave an address to the US congress in which he formally addressed the issue of consumer rights. He was the first world leader to do so, and the consumer movement now marks 15 March every year as a means of raising global awareness about consumer rights.

"Haha, try selling cards for that one, Hallmark!" aside, a Chinese man paid a group of sledgehammer-wielding maniacs to smash the shit out of his Lamborghini Gallardo L140 to celebrate the day and bring awareness to poor customer service.

He hired people to publicly destroy the sports car when it failed to function after a service by an official Lamborghini service station.

The protest was made to provoke public support and goad the manufacturer to respect his consumer rights.

I, uh, I would've taken it...TO 190MPH AND JUMPED THE GRAND CANYON! You know, or just parted it out and sold the pieces on eBay. Speaking of which -- anybody need an airbag? Just sayin', I can get most makes and models. My neighbors will never know what hit 'em! (It'll probably be a windshield to the face though).

One more shot of even further destruction after the jump.

Continue Reading " Man Hires Group To Beat The $#!7 Out Of His Lamborghini After Poor Customer Service "

Mar 15 2011 Two Years Ago Today Space Bat Reached For The Stars *I Told Myself I Wouldn't Cry*

Two years ago today -- on Sunday, March 15, 2009, a free-tailed bat with a broken wing clung to the Space Shuttle Discovery's external fuel tank before liftoff. Unbeknownst to him, he was about to be granted one last chance at flight. And fly he did -- with over 37-million horsepower behind him. I think about you more than I'd like to admit, Space Bat. Here's to hoping stars are just fireflies and you caught a free ride to the buffet.

*wipes tear, pours out a little liquor, chugs the rest, vomits into laptop*

Hit the jump for several video tributes to the gone but never forgotten.

Continue Reading " Two Years Ago Today Space Bat Reached For The Stars *I Told Myself I Wouldn't Cry* "

Mar 15 2011 Blowing Up A Bottle In A Microwave, Or, 'How To Get Added To The Terrorist Watch List'

This is a video of a guy sealing a Kahlua bottle (The Dude -- is that you?!), putting it in a microwave, CLAMPING THE DOOR OF THE MICROWAVE SHUT SO IT DOESN'T BLOW OFF SO EASY, and setting the microwave's timer to 'total f***ing destruction'. Admittedly, it did a lot more damage than I expected, and just moved up four places on my list of how to dispose of old appliances. You hear that, 'drop from the top of my apartment building'? Have fun hanging out with 'bash with a sledgehammer' and 'back over with my neighbor's truck' you loser!

Hit the jump for the 'that was the third explosion from his garage this week, I'm calling the police'.

Continue Reading " Blowing Up A Bottle In A Microwave, Or, 'How To Get Added To The Terrorist Watch List' "

Mar 15 2011 Magical Naked Unicorn Head Girl On Beach

Note: Full picture after the jump, which, while everything IS covered, may be considered NSFW depending on how your employer feels about fine art. YOU CAN'T FIRE ME FOR BEING CULTURED.

There's magical, and then there's naked lady unicorn mask on the beach magical. Or is that creepy? Whatever the case, I think we can all agree she and a merman would make beautiful hybrids together. I'm talking about creatures that can fly AND swim, folks. F***in' mermicorns. Quick, man the harpoon -- daddy smells a new WoW mount!

Hit the jump to see the whole thing, along with a link to photographer Ben Hopper's website with a VERY NSFW full-nude version (go to Projects > Naked Girls with Masks -- can't miss it).

Continue Reading " Magical Naked Unicorn Head Girl On Beach "

Mar 15 2011 Ridiculously Fancy Star Wars Home Theater

This is a Star Wars themed home theater in a 10,000 square foot mansion in Honolulu. It's not to be confused with THIS Star Wars themed home theater that looks like two buttholes sewn together in comparison. It does look similar in quality to THIS Star Trek home theater though. Regardless, neither has anything on my abs. Just sayin', they're symmetrical. The Situation? Pleaaaase. YOUR SHIT'S A DISASTER.

the theater makes you feel like Han Solo in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon.

Built by Custom Home Systems of San Diego, the theater has all of its electronics and speakers hidden from view, so all you see is the 107-inch screen and the amazing architectural details. There's even a pair of life-sized talking C-3PO and RD-D2

A couple more shots of the theater and wiring system after the jump, along with a pic of the mansion's exterior in case you get off on being poor. Me? On National Geographics with dinosaur articles.

Hit the jump for the 'thou shall not covet thy neighbor's home theater system'. Which, fun fact, is actually the way the 10th commandment read before Moses smashed the shit out them for not getting invited to the BBQ.

Continue Reading " Ridiculously Fancy Star Wars Home Theater "

Mar 15 2011 Hair Of The Dog: A Canine Beer Saddle

I've got that same hat!

This is a beer saddle for your dog. It holds four cans or bottles. I don't know about you, but I could really go for a warm beer covered in dog hair right now. The saddle fits most larger breeds (and crush most smaller breeds) and is currently on clearance for a paltry $19. Sorry, most miserable dog in the world sold separately.

Product Site

Thanks to Melissa, who once taped a sippy cup to a cat. WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

Mar 14 2011 Brass Blasters: Steampunk Bullet Insects

These are a bunch of steampunk insects made out of old ammunition and pocket-watch parts by Tom Hardwidge. As you can see, they're pretty good looking. Unless you hate steampunk stuff, in which case they're probably pretty bad looking. Whatever side of the fence you yell over, they're definitely not insects you'd want to beat with a shoe too hard. Get it? Because they might detonate! crawl in an orifice while you sleep and lay eggs. Kidding -- KIDDING, only spiders do that. Sweet dreams, jerk!

Hit the jump for a bunch more, and the link to even MORE.

Continue Reading " Brass Blasters: Steampunk Bullet Insects "

Mar 14 2011 Ssshhhhhhhh, Don't Tell Cake: Happy Pi Day

Because today is 3/14 and those are the first three digits of pi, (followed by 32.33 -- repeating of course. jk jk) it's Pi Day and everyone gathers in the streets to sing traditional Irish songs and eat pickled cabbage or whatever. No? Different holiday? Oh. Well I'm not really sure how you're supposed to celebrate the constant of a circle's circumference to it's diameter, so I'll probably just use it as an excuse to drink until I can only walk in -- wait for it -- wait for it -- triangles. Haha, you thought I was gonna say circles, didn't you? WRONG! Did I tell you I actually thought I invented the word 'squircle' (square/circle hybrid) and when I looked it up online and found out it already existed I cried? That happened. No it didn't. You see, I don't cry. Or go to the bathroom. I do have a lying problem though. Seriously, I can only sleep on one side or I wake up dizzy. Huh? Yeah I started drinking at noon, why?

1. Time-lapse of Pi dominoes being set up and knocked over (complete with multiple mishaps!)

2. What pi sounds like (and not the gurgling it makes in your belly with ice cream)

3. That girl from the snakes video (Vi Hart) throwing a fit about how pi is wrong.

Hit the jump to watch them. Me? I hate circles. THERE I SAID IT.

Continue Reading " Ssshhhhhhhh, Don't Tell Cake: Happy Pi Day "

Mar 14 2011 Two Hours Of Fatalities/Finishing Moves From (Predominately Terribly) Fighting Games

Angry vaj to the face!

This is two-hour Youtube video called 'Pixelated Blood' that features over 500 finishing-moves from some of the crappiest fighting games to ever exist. Except Primal Rage, Primal Rage was the shit. Plus I'm filled with it. *headbutts barista into cappuccino machine*

As you all may know by now - Mortal Kombat is finally coming back. To celebrate I felt the need to make a towering monument to depravity, the most bloody, stupid, irresponsibly violent thing possible.

This video is the result. Every fatality I know of from every commercially available 2D game, and some other stuff. I tried to keep redundancy to a minimum so if there are multiple versions of the same thing I just took one. It runs for nearly two hours, so buckle in for the long haul and scream along, or you can use the handy menu to skip to what interests you the most! You can return to the menu at any point by clicking the upper left corner of the screen. The games in each series are grouped together and those groups are in alphabetical order. I didn't put in Brutalities, Ultras or the normal finishers from Pray for Death either since they are mostly the same thing or just sad.

Make sure to use the menu by clicking the top left of the video so you can easily navigate through what you want to see. Because a lot of these suck. "Just like you, GW!" Yes, just like me. SO LONG AS WE'RE TALKIN' ABOUT SUCKLIN' THE NIP OF ADONIS! "Adonis was a dude." Are you sure? Because we kiss in my dreams.

Hit the jump for two-hours of 'damn, graphics have really come a long way'.

Continue Reading " Two Hours Of Fatalities/Finishing Moves From (Predominately Terribly) Fighting Games "

Mar 14 2011 WTF, Mother Nature?: Chihuahua Triplets Only Born With Back Legs, Doing Fine

Seen here looking suspiciously like Thumper (your mom loved a rabbit!), a trio of Chihuahuas were born in Massachusetts with only their back legs. It's cool though because they don't know they're supposed to have front ones and are convinced all the other dogs with them are freaks. Hey -- I know mine are!

MSPCA spokesman Brian Adams said: 'This is a condition that we rarely see. Even more rare is to see it occur in so many puppies from the same litter.

'These animals have amazed us with how much they can accomplish on their own.

Staff have confirmed that the puppies are adapting to life without front legs and are potential candidates for wheeled carts.

Potential candidates for wheeled carts? Pfft, that's selling them a little short, isn't it? These guys have political candidates written all over them! "GW, put down the Sharpie or we're gonna have to ask you to leave." HA -- NOT BEFORE I ADOPT EVERY ANIMAL IN THE FACILITY! Oooooh, including this handsome little devil. "That's Eric, he works here." *stops rubbing belly* I knew that.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a very worthwhile video of the 'OMG OMG OMG SOOOOOOO CUTE' in action.

Continue Reading " WTF, Mother Nature?: Chihuahua Triplets Only Born With Back Legs, Doing Fine "

Mar 14 2011 Play Katamari Damacy On Any Website

Katamari Damacy, the game where you roll over thing to collect them and grow bigger and bigger can now be played on any website, thanks to a clever bit of code. Contra? Not yet, BUT I'M WORKING ON IT.

How does it work?

Short version: css transforms (for things stuck to the katamari), canvas (drawing the katamari), and z-index (illusion of depth).

Long version: The bookmarklet loads jQuery and kh.js into the current page. jQuery is used mostly for .offset() and .css(). kh.js is where all the action happens:

* Splits all the text on the page into words/spans. (StickyNodes::addWords)
* Builds a grid data structure so that intersections with elements can be found quickly (StickyNodes::finalize). Essentially grid[floor(x / 100)][floor(y / 100)] is a list of elements in a 100x100 pixel block. This should probably be an R-tree, but the hot-spot in this program is definitely in the rendering.
* The ball and stripes are drawn in a canvas that gets moved around the page (i.e. position: absolute; left: x; top: y;). See PlayerBall::drawBall.
* When an element is attached to the katamari, a clone is made. The original element is hidden. The new element is moved around by setting -webkit-transform. The transform rotates the element about the rolling axis of the katamari and scales the element to make it look like it's coming out of the page. See PlayerBall::drawAttached, transform_test.html, and transform_test2.html.

Did that say magic? I'm going to assume that just said magic. WHICH THE INTERNET IS BY THE WAY. Now, go to THIS PAGE, copy the code from the box, go to the website you want to play on, paste the code in the address bar and get ready to get your game on at work! And after that? Résumé-updating.

Katamari Hack (works best in Google Chrome or Firefox 4)
via
Katamari Hack rolls across your favorite websites, leaving swath of HTML5 destruction in its wake [engadget]

Thanks to Jonathan, blake and Erin, who don't roll anything but sushi. OH GREAT, NOW I'M GONNA BE WANTING SOME ALL DAY.

Mar 14 2011 We Lost Another One: Smallest Video Camera

You see that picture? That's a needle at the bottom. I know, I thought it was a knight's jousting lance at first too and was all, "PFFT, THAT CAMERA AIN'T SO SMALL!" But no, it's a needle. Which you and I both know is like double the circumference of your protractor. What? I'm a urinal peeper!

This tiny camera was designed to shoot video inside the human body, replacing the more common fiber optic endoscope.

The camera itself is about 1 millimeter cubed, or about the same size as that eyeball computer we saw a couple of weeks ago.

With 62,500 pixel resolution, the images should be pretty sharp, and what's really neat is the developer Fraunhofer says the camera will be cheap enough to be disposable.

"Cheap enough to be disposable", riiiiiiiight. I'd like to see the itemized bill first before I let a doctor throw away/leave the camera floating around in my gut.

• Rubber gloves: $4
• Disposable Camera: $600
• Forceps $30
• Removal of action figure from rectum: $1,000
• Removal of action figure playset from rectum: $3,000

Six-hundred bucks?! Aww hell naw -- I'm returning it. *chugs Fiber Cleanse, packing-tapes pasta strainer to toilet seat*

World's smallest video camera is ready to peer inside your body [dvice]

Thanks to Mark, who knows a guy that once managed to wedge an entire Sony Handycam...I'm just gonna stop right there.

Mar 14 2011 That, Uh, That Doesn't Look Up To Code: How Not To Wire A Garage Door Opener

This is a video of a guy showing off the unorthodox wiring job for a garage door opener at a house for sale in Everett, Washington. I don't want to ruin it for you, but it doesn't look up to code. Like, anybody's definition of code. This wouldn't even fly in my neighborhood and I once saw a guy down the street try to plug an extension cord INTO HIS OWN @$$HOLE. No lie -- he was honestly surprised when the Christmas lights didn't come on.

Hit the jump for the 'you had plenty of time to realize this was a bad idea'.

Continue Reading " That, Uh, That Doesn't Look Up To Code: How Not To Wire A Garage Door Opener "

Mar 14 2011 Man Arrested After Leaving 4-Year Old At Home Alone To Go Play Ninja By Himself

Picture moderately related.

Ross Hurst, 28, of Scottsdale, Pennsylvania was charged with endangering the welfare of a child after leaving his 4-year old son at home alone sleeping while he went out to play ninja by himself at 1:30 in the morning. Dammit Ross, you know you shouldn't be out ninja-ing after midnight!

...police found him dressed all in black and "playing ninja" on a borough street.

Police say Hurst, 28, told them his mother was watching the child, but the boy's grandmother said Hurst never asked her to babysit.

In an affidavit, Patrolman Joseph Lane said that he asked Hurst "why he was playing by himself" at around 1.30 a.m. on March 3.

"He replied that there are not a lot of people who want to play ninja," the newspaper quoted Lane's affidavit as saying. "I advised him that it looked to me that he was doing something else. Hurst stated that he was not doing anything wrong and was going home.

"Not a lot of people who want to play ninja"? You are living in the wrong damn place! I happen to know for a fact my apartment is FILLED with people who want to play ninja. Namely, me. Dragon-kick to the balls aside, where was the mother in all of this? "UH, GW? HE MAKE-BELIEVE NINJAS BY HIMSELF AT 1:30 IN THE MORNING." Aaaaaah, gotcha -- so more of a playa type.

Cops: 'Ninja' dad left 4-year-old son home alone [msnbc]

Thanks to Greg, who can play ninja whenever he damn well pleases because, I dunno, SOMETHING ABOUT NOT BEING SEEN.

Mar 13 2011 The $50 Per 3-Hours Batman Hotel Room

Note: Low-res shots are after the jump but there's some much more worthwhile high-res shots HERE, HERE and HERE in cause you want to use your Bat-Goggles to scan the scene for semen stains.

This is the Eden Hotel's Batman suite in Kaohsiung City, Taiwan. It costs $50 per 3-hours which is weird because I figured a person who'd stay in a Batman-themed hotel room is either A) nine, or B) not getting laid. "Jesus, GW, they pay for it." A-HA! Wait -- pay for what?

Hit the jump for the low-res shots.

Continue Reading " The $50 Per 3-Hours Batman Hotel Room "

Mar 13 2011 'Sneak Peek' Of New Ninja Turtles Cartoon

This is a video "sneak peek" of the new Nickelodeon TMNT cartoon. I put sneak peek in quotations because 1. it's pretty shitty and 2. I didn't want you to think it was a sneak pee, which is what I do in the alleyway between bars. Also, sometimes in my sleep which is actually more of an ultra-stealth pee than a sneaky one because I don't even notice until I wake up. And then blame my girlfriend. YOU KNOW I SHOULDN'T HAVE CHOCOLATE MILK SO LATE!

Hit the jump for a twenty-seconds of meh.

Continue Reading " 'Sneak Peek' Of New Ninja Turtles Cartoon "

Mar 11 2011 STUDY: How Do Humans Respond To A Robot's Touch? SPOILER: I'd Scream

Seen here with an XBox Kinect for a head and about to grope a patient, 'Cody' the robot was used in a study conducted by Georgia Tech to learn about how people respond to a robot's touch. NOT WELL. Boom -- study's a wrap, let's go drink.

"What we found was that how people perceived the intent of the robot was really important to how they responded. So, even though the robot touched people in the same way, if people thought the robot was doing that to clean them, versus doing that to comfort them, it made a significant difference in the way they responded and whether they found that contact favorable or not,"

Although Cody touched the subjects in exactly the same way, they reacted more positively when they believed Cody intended to clean their arm versus when they believed Cody intended to comfort them.

In addition, Kemp and his research team tested whether people responded more favorably when the robot verbally indicated that it was about to touch them versus touching them without saying anything.

"The results suggest that people preferred when the robot did not actually give them the warning," said Tiffany Chen, doctoral student at Georgia Tech. "We think this might be because they were startled when the robot started speaking, but the results are generally inconclusive."

Regardless of "intent," I can guarantee I'd respond the same way no matter what: grab whatever touched me (yes, even a peener), break it off, and beat its owner to death with it. Which, fun fact: is my same MO for alien contact. TOUCH MY BUTT, YOU BIG GREEN PERVERT, I DARE YOU! *poke* Ooh la la. Okay that I could get used to.

Hit the jump for a brief video explanation.

Continue Reading " STUDY: How Do Humans Respond To A Robot's Touch? SPOILER: I'd Scream "

Mar 11 2011 Is that A Gun In Your Pants Or Are You Ju-- It Is A Gun?! OH GOD PLEASE DON'T SHOOT

DID THAT CAT TOUCH YOU?!

Seen here using their high school senior portraits as a marketing opportunity, a couple show off their Thunderwear brand hidden gun holsters. Apparently they've existed forever, but this is the first time I've ever heard of them and I'm always packin' heat. Know what I'm saying? I'm saying I get real bad muscle-aches and keep a couple of those hand-warmers in my man-purse. Models range from $45 to $70 depending on size and storage, but they all make a great way to blow your pecker off. Which, despite what your brother might have told you, won't grow back like a starfish tentacle. THANKS A LOT, FRANK.

Product Site

Thanks to Blaqk Panda, who carries his gun the old fashioned way: on his shoulder while marching in line with the rest of redcoats.

Mar 11 2011 More Games With Updated Sound Effects

Remember earlier this week when I posted a video of Super Mario Bros. with updated sound effects and you were all like "LAME!" "donkeyballs!" "GW suuuuuuucks"? Well here's another one created by sound-designer Jake Kaufman with a bunch of other games just to spite you. YOU HEARD ME! My therapist says it's best to not retaliate when somebody hurts my feelings, but you know what I told him? Nothing, I choked him out with his neck tie and stole a diploma off the wall. *puts feet on desk* The doctor is IN. *packing briefcase* Aaaaaaand back out.

Hit the jump for Tetris, Contra, The Legend of Zelda, Pac-Man, Mega Man, Donkey Kong, Breakout, some bicycle game, some Olympic game, and some racing game.

Continue Reading " More Games With Updated Sound Effects "

Mar 11 2011 Great Britain's Collectible Fantasty Stamps

Because apparently people still send snail-mail (LOLWUT?!) Great Britain just announced a line of collectible fantasy-franchise inspired stamps for all you philatelists out there. Which, fun fact: philatelists is a fancy word for stamp-collectors, NOT guys who flick their wieners on the bus in front of people. Those are perverts. Also, waaaaaaay too f***ing common around here.

Hit the jump for four more.

Continue Reading " Great Britain's Collectible Fantasty Stamps "

Mar 11 2011 Wonder How Big A Blue Whale's Heart Is?

This big. Around 1,300 lbs to be inexact. Plus "its heartbeat can be detected from two miles away and a human can fit in its arteries." Not only that, I heard their sperm are the size of jet-skis. Just kidding, I'd still ride on one though.

MyWhaleWeb (hey mine shoots webs too!)
via
How Big Is a Blue Whale's Heart? [geekosystem]

Thanks to Melissa, who really loves whales. Like, to the point where she has stickers of them all over her Trapper Keeper. Nice, psycho.

Mar 11 2011 For The Apocalypse: Submarine Tanks

Submarine tanks: they just make sense. No, no they don't. But they do make claustrophobics shit their pants just thinking about them!

It wasn't necessary to invent an entirely fake challenge for the basis of this concept, but Phil Pauley Interactive went and did it anyway. It's the Transatlantic Seafloor Research Challenge, and (if it existed) it would promote oceanic research by tasking submarines equipped with wheels or tank treads to drive all the way across the Atlantic ocean, because why not?

Ah yes, what better way to undertake oceanic research THAN DRIVING OVER EVERYTHING WITH A TANK? "Look -- a new species of *SQUISH!* nevermind." OMG, the mermaids are gonna be piiiiiiiiiiiissed. Even more so than the time I went snorkeling with a 'show me your tits' sign (I accidentally harpooned one in the fin).

On another, much more serious sea-related note: my heart and thoughts go out to all those affected by the recent earthquake and tsunami.

Hit the jump for another shot of this model and another one with wheels. Underwater monster truck FTW!

Continue Reading " For The Apocalypse: Submarine Tanks "

Mar 11 2011 Chinese Knocker Clamp Corset Commercial

Note: Video possibly NSFW on account of gratuitous melon mashing (no, NOT like Gallagher). Although it is just a commercial so it can't be that bad.

This is a 5:00 commercial for a Chinese corset that cinches a woman's bloobies together with a comical WOOOOOP (but way more laser-y) sound effect. Literally, it's five-straight minutes of that. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either awesome, or you're a woman. Allegedly it can smash titties up two whole cup sizes. Impressive! At least until you can't breathe and pass out. Ooooor poke somebody's eye out with a nipple. WHICH I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF!

Hit the jump for five-straight minutes of boob-binding WTFery.

Continue Reading " Chinese Knocker Clamp Corset Commercial "

Mar 11 2011 Oscar Best Picture Nominees LEGO Posters

These are the posters for the ten Oscar nominees for best picture recreated LEGO-style. This is only two here though, so hit the jump to see the other eight. They're all pretty good. Unless you're pissed they're not actually made with LEGO pieces, in which case I'M SORRY. But I do know what's really on your mind, and no, I never made it out to see a single one of these movies. I was going to go see 'Inception', but I realized it was probably more than my feeble brain could handle. And I was actually on the way to see 'True Grit' before I discovered there's a bar by the theater that I'd never been to before. I also discovered just how drunk I can get for the cost of a movie ticket. Not very. THANK GOD I'D BROUGHT MY THEATER FLASK AMIRITE?!

Hit the jump for the others. Or don't, I'm really having trouble caring. I dunno, something about IT BEING FRIIIIIIIIIIDAY!!

Continue Reading " Oscar Best Picture Nominees LEGO Posters "

Mar 10 2011 Truck Carrying 8,000 Gallons Of Printer Ink Flips, Makes For One Colorful Inkcident

Note: Full-res shot HERE.

Inkcident, get it?! God I slay me. Literally, I've been sharpening my ceremonial blade all afternoon knowing good and well I'd end up saying something stupid. Anyway, for those of you with overactive imaginations, this is what 8,000 gallons of industrial printer ink looks like spilled all over a highway. I'm not sure how industrial printer ink's price compares to regular computer printer ink, but if they're remotely comparable we need to hijack one of these f***ers. Booze truck first though.

No other vehicles were involved and the driver was not injured in the crash, which occurred about 6:10 a.m.

Approximately 16,000 pounds of ink cartridges from the Flint Group, an Indianapolis-based company selling printing and packaging products, was bound for a newspaper company in Portland, Maine. Red, blue, and yellow ink cartridges were inside the truck, but Ferson said there is no evidence the yellow ink was released.

LOL @ no yellow ink spilled aside -- 16,000 pounds of color, can you even imagine? I can't. Of course I also can't imagine a company still thinks printing newspapers is gonna remain profitable, so this story completely blue my mind. HIYO -- ink color joke! *hari-kari*

Hit the jump for one more shot taken by a news lollercopter.

Continue Reading " Truck Carrying 8,000 Gallons Of Printer Ink Flips, Makes For One Colorful Inkcident "

Mar 10 2011 Licensing Mistakes: Harry Potter Pancakes

As you may well know, I haven't read any of the Harry Potter books so I don't know if pancakes are a staple at Hogwarts, but I kind of assume not BECAUSE PANCAKES ARE SOME MUGGLE-ASS SHIT. Real wizards and witches eat toad choads and lizard dicks or whatever. Also, since when has making pancakes been a "MAKE AND BAKE ACTIVITY"? Making pancakes isn't a f***ing "activity", it's "something you do so you don't go to work hungry". What a waste of marketing dollars! That said, I'd kill for some Lord of the Ring brand breakfasts cereal. OMG -- SOOOOOOOOO MANY RINGS!

Pancake Wizard Of The Day [geeks.thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Betsey, who knows the only truly magical breakfast is Quaker Oatmeal Dinosaur Eggs. I know, right -- sometimes I do four packets at once!

Mar 10 2011 Learnin' By Lookin': A Visual History Of Sci-Fi

Note: No, it's not a Moby Dick/Cthulhu lovechild (although I've heard those do exist!), it's a visual history of science fiction. Click HERE to see the thing in full-res and get your history lesson on.

This is the visual history of science fiction as created by Ward Shelly (no relation to Mary Shelley). It's kind of complicated to look at, but there's definitely something for everyone to take away from it. For me it was a headache. But who knows -- maybe you'll develop an eye-twitch!

Place & Spaces 'Mapping Science' Contest
via
The History of Science Fiction [wired]

Thanks to Ryan, who sent me his own visual history of Geekologie. Ryan, this is a maze cut out of a Happy Meal Box *examining* THAT YOU BROKE LINES TO FINISH.

Mar 10 2011 The Future Of Eco-Funerals: Freezing Bodies With Liquid Nitrogen And Shattering Them (While Children In Attendance Lose Their $#!7)

You know what sucks about funerals? Everything. There's not a single thing I like about them. And that's not even considering how bad they are for the environment. Whatever happened to dumping bodies in a volcano or leaving them out for animals to gnaw on? You know, like the good ol' days. FEED MY ASS TO LIONS I DON'T GIVE A FUUUUUUUUUU.

A Swedish company called Promessa has come up with a crazy new way of handling the remains of the deceased, and it's straight out of science fiction. First, a body is chilled down to 18 degrees Celsius. Then it's entirely submerged in liquid nitrogen, which freezes it solid, and makes it brittle enough that it can be shattered and pulverized into dust using high power sound waves. Next, the dust (which is still about the same mass as the body was) is exposed to a vacuum which boils off all the moisture contained in the dust, reducing its mass by 70% or so. Lastly, all of the inorganic stuff that may be left over is removed with an electromagnet, and the dust is placed in a coffin made of corn starch, all ready for a shallow burial that'll turn everything into compost within a year.

I'm not gonna lie, that would increase the entertainment value of funerals by at least a thousand-fold. Shit, add some dance music and a laser-light show and I'd pay to go to the funerals of people I don't even know! Hey bro, got any E? I'm coming down already. It's cool if you don't but you could at least answer me. Come on dude, stop bein' such a stiff. *CRASH!!* Oh shi-shi. *runs out rubbing nipples*

The latest in eco-funerals: Terminator-style nitrogen shattering [dvice]

Thanks to Martin, who doesn't care how he's buried just so long as it's not alive. AMEN TO THAT, BROTHA!

Mar 10 2011 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, SAY IT AIN'T SO!!

Well how was I supposed to know they were talking about the bird?! You can't blame me for thinking like a 12-year old -- IT'S MY JOB. You know who's really to blame here, right? The pervert who named all the birds. I'm looking at you, Adam! Seriously -- Boobies, Tits, Woodpeckers, Morepork, Dickcissel, Cock-of-the-rock, Caucasian snowcock, Red-knobbed coot and Rough-faced shag? (all real btw) WTF, BRO? Freud would have a field-day with your ass! Some highlights from the 'yes, I know I'm childish' article:

Although great tits can live for nine years [GW's note: presumably from 18-27], breeding success declines rapidly after the age of two [WAIT, WHAT?!]. Nevertheless, older great tits keep on breeding every year...

Such hardworking great tits do age more swiftly than tits that get going at a more relaxed pace, but despite this early aging being costly...

Although the decline of the great tits is measureable by their breeding success, it's not easy to spot the older ones by eye [BULLSHIT!]

Bouwhuis does not yet know what's going on with the male great tits...[THOSE EXIST?! MIND BLOWN]

This concludes another segment of 'Middle School Recess with the Geekologie Writer'. Stay tuned next week when we discuss Uranus's composition and debate its solids-to-gas ratio.

Great Tits Also Have Age-Related Defects [sciencedaily]

Thanks to Daniel, who insists there's nothing wrong with not wanting to grow older like Peter Pan just so long as you don't start taking in lost boys.

Mar 10 2011 Don't You Point That Thing At Me!: DIY Pulse Laser Can Burn Through Plastic, Metal

This is a homemade pulse laser gun built by Patrick Priebe. The thing packs a 1-kW burst that can burn through plastic, foam and thin metals. Plus explode eyeballs. Just kidding, I don't actually know that for a fact, I'm just assuming. Although I do encourage Patrick to make a trip to his local butcher to find out. And I'm not just saying that because I want him to pick up some pork chops for dinner tonight, because I don't. I told you, I'm vegetarian. Or am I? Yes, I am. The bacon is a lie. Awh shit -- Portal 2 spoiler!

Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the pews in action.

Continue Reading " Don't You Point That Thing At Me!: DIY Pulse Laser Can Burn Through Plastic, Metal "

Mar 10 2011 HELP: Terminator Dog Needs Adopting

This is Hachi. Hachi is an Akita/Chow mix that was badly burned in a house fire, leaving him looking like a Terminator. A TERMINATOR THAT JUST MELTED MY HEART INTO A PUDDLE.

County fire fighters brought Hachi into Affordable Animal Hospital in Torrance with third-degree burns covering over 60 to 70 percent of his body. He was nothing but a sweetheart from the time he was carried in - black and charred with the pads of his feet literally falling off.

Luckily, he responded well to treatment and luckily for someone else, he is ever so sweet. He will make a certain someone or family a very special companion. He is loyal and a totally devoted animal.

Much of the burn areas covering his face and body will never grow hair back, there is not much left of his ears either... but we are looking for someone who can overlook what many may find unsightly on the outside to see what a jewel he is on the inside and be reminded of all those that are good in the world:

* Fire fighters willing to risk their own lives for that of another and especially that of "just a dog."
* The vets, technicians, groomers and staff at Affordable Animal Hospital that helped him along in his recovery.
* The county shelter for footing the bill of this special dog's lengthy road back to health.

Hachi is ready and waiting for a home as special as he is.

Okay, who's crying? Because I can't even see my monitor that's how bad that got me. For a second I actually thought I was underwater. Now, somebody (CAPABLE AND NOT A DIPSHIT) go adopt this dog or I'm not writing for the rest of the day. "You wouldn't!" HA -- you think I won't just go out drinking and forget about you people?! Do it every night.

Hit the jump for a closeup of Hachi's face and a link to his Petfinder page if you live in or around El Segundo, CA and want to give Hachi a new lease on life.

Continue Reading " HELP: Terminator Dog Needs Adopting "

Mar 10 2011 Skeletonics Suit < Ripley's Power Loader

Seen here about to make two heads roll at once, a chick dude somebody demonstrates a Skeletonics exoskeletal suit. Amazingly, the entire thing is unpowered, making it far less effective at fighting Alien queens than a traditional power loader. The purpose? I have no idea. But if you covered it in green rubber skin it might make a pretty sweet ogre costume. Or you could, I dunno, cover it in gasoline, torch it AND STOP MAKING SHIT LIKE THIS.

Hit the jump for a video demonstration of the thing, but skip to about 4:00 for the real action to begin.

Continue Reading " Skeletonics Suit < Ripley's Power Loader "

Mar 9 2011 The Sun Like You've Never Seen It Before

Unless you've actually seen it like this before, in which case, real cool -- ALIEN! Quick, somebody tase him and I'll restrain him with zip-ties before he starts mind-controlling us! Aaaaaaaand I'm punching myself in the balls. Next time a little faster on the draw, bro.

A section of the solar disk recorded in 30mph winds at the Winter Star Party on West Summerland Key. The massive detached prominence was visible for hours. Skies were quite steady despite the wind.

Note: Full-res version HERE in case you want to debate whether or not it's just a closeup of an orange WHICH I THINK IT MIGHT BE. Kidding, I'm not stupid. That shit's a clementine if I've ever seen one!

Averted Imagination (photographer Alan Friedman's website, with a ton of other outerspacey shots)

Thanks to Emily, who once flew really close to the sun but it was all good because she wasn't dumb enough to use wings made out of wax and feathers. Seriously, Daedalus, WTF were you thinking? "I never liked Icarus." I see.

Mar 9 2011 VIDEO ROUNDUP: Reimagined Video Game Sound Effects, Killer Preachers, A D&D Love Song And More (That's Right -- MORE!!)

I've got a bunch of videos to post and instead of posting them all separately, I'm just gonna pack 'em all in one post like a truck stuffed with migrant workers (I can say that, right?). They are, in this order (drumroll please):

1. Super Mario Bros. re-imagined with much more realistic sound effects. SQUISH! SPLAT! BRAAAAAAP! Sorry, that last one was me.

2. Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter preacher beating the shit out of his congregation. "No tithe? NO MERCY!"

3. A Dungeons & Dragons love song sung by a lady. Giving false-hope to D&D players everywhere: not cool.

4. Some girl talking about math-y stuff while playing with plastic snakes. "Heh-heh -- I'd let her play with my snake." WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, SHE DOESN'T EVEN SHOW HER FACE! "Don't care." Don't care, or willing to stick your penis in anything? "Willing to sti--" Yeah, we know.

Hit the jump and stick it to the man for the last half-hour of your workday.

Continue Reading " VIDEO ROUNDUP: Reimagined Video Game Sound Effects, Killer Preachers, A D&D Love Song And More (That's Right -- MORE!!) "

Mar 9 2011 First Peep At Nickelodeon's New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

So apparently ♫ Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nick Nickelodeon ♫ is rolling out a new TMNT cartoon next year and this is the first look of the re-imagined turtles. As you can see, they have some of the stupidest-looking anime eyes I've ever seen. And that's saying a lot, because one time in middle school I cut my eye with the cover of a comic (I read dangerous as shit!) and had to wear an eyepatch that a friend convinced me to let him draw an anime eyeball on. Only thing is, I never actually bothered checking his handiwork and he opted for a ballsack instead. Talk about a terrible lookin' eye! The kids on the playground would yell Captain Teabag and threw rocks at me!

First Look: The New 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' on Nickelodeon [slashfilm]

Thanks to Sam the Slammer and Dottie, who like to crawl around in the sewers at night and play ninja turtles. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?! THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Mar 9 2011 NO: Bionic Cockroach Controlled By Remote

Hacking a toy's remote-control mechanism to open your blinds when you wake up in the morning: cool. Hacking a toy's remote-control mechanism directly into a cockroach's nervous system to make it turn whatever direction you want it to: WAIT -- WHAT THE F***?!

By modifying the HEXBug toy "Inchworm" circuitry to deliver pulses, we stimulated the antenna nerves of the discoid cockroach to "trick" the cockroach into turning upon command. Stay tuned! as we make the preparation easier, more reliable, and lighter!

Granted we've already seen the same performed on flying beetles, but I felt like there was a lot more that went into that. I didn't know you could just take a toy apart, poke some wires into a cockroach and be good to go. What if the mad scientists find out about this?! SPOILER: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Get it? Because that's how they laugh.

Hit the jump for the 'oh God please squash it, please squash it!' in action.

Continue Reading " NO: Bionic Cockroach Controlled By Remote "

Mar 9 2011 Unreal Unveils Their Latest Gaming Engine

Yesterday we took a peep at CryTek's CryEngine 3 and today, the latest version of Unreal's gaming engine. As you'll see, it looks pretty good, even more so considering IT'S A HANDHELD RECORDING A PROJECTOR SCREEN. Just amazing. The bootleg I tried filming at the adult theater over the weekend? Not so much. Especially since you can hear the guy next to me moaning the whole time. Huh? NO I DON'T WANT TO HALFSIES ON NACHOS!

Hit the jump for the video demo.

Continue Reading " Unreal Unveils Their Latest Gaming Engine "

Mar 9 2011 Grillin' On The Go: Messenger Bag Travel Grill

The Fuego Element Portable Grill isn't your grandpa's grill. And not just because your grandpa wouldn't be caught dead carrying a 'lady-bag', but the dude did see war and you are 2,000% more effeminate. So yeah, a $150 portable grill with shoulder-strap. Sure beats karate-chopping a tree down and lighting it with laser-vision, amirite?! F*** no I'm not! That's how you score bear groupies.

...features built-in legs that fold up to become handles, a red travel band to hold everything together when you're on the move, and an adjustable canvas shoulder strap for hands-free lugging. It's got a cast iron grill grate, push button ignition, an 8,000 BTU stainless steel burner, nearly 160 square inches of cooking area, and a dishwasher-safe tray to catch runoff, all inside a museum-quality design.

'Museum-quality' obviously ain't what it used to be aside, this is actually a pretty good idea provided that rubber strap keeps it sealed tight. Because otherwise it quickly becomes less of a good idea and more ash all over the back of your pants and people thinking you shit yourself. Which you probably did. Hiking: it's not for everyone.

Product Site
via
Fuego Element Portable Grill [uncrate]

Thanks to Jordan, who grills things the old fashioned way: he doesn't -- he just eats that shit raw. WORMS JORDAN HAS WORMS!

Mar 9 2011 Slingin' Webs Pulp: Near-Mint Copy Of Spiderman's Comic Debut Sells For $1.1M

A near-mint copy of a 1962 'Amazing Fantasy' # 15 (which is no doubt the name of multiple pornos by now) was recently sold for $1.1 million by a private seller to a private buyer. OMG, WHO THE F*** COLLECTS PRIVATES?! Ya'll nasty.

It's not the highest price ever paid for a comic book, an honor that goes to "Action Comics" No. 1 with Superman on the cover, which went for $1.5 million.

But [ComicConnect.com chief executive Stephen] Fishler says the price paid is the most for a book from the Silver Age, the mid-1950s to about 1970.

"The fact that a 1962 comic has sold for $1.1 million is a bit of a record-shattering event," he said. "That something that recent can sell for that much and be that valuable is awe-inspiring."

Usually, it has been comics from the Golden Age -- typically from the late 1930s to the early 1950s -- that draw seven-figure sums.

You know what's crazy? That comic originally sold for 12¢. You can't get anything but a dirty look for 12¢ anymore! Even gumballs cost a quarter and there's no guarantee the man who filled the machine didn't lick them all first! Or worse. You think there's not some sicko out there who gets his kicks filling machines with gumballs he's had in his butt? People are freaks! (Don't ever try my deviled eggs)

Spiderman Debut Comic Sells Big [paralleluniverse]

Thanks to somer and Donna, who really regret laundry-pinning those vintage comic books between their bike spokes to make them sound like motorcycles.

Mar 9 2011 Nintendo Power!: 8-Bit Stop-Motion LEGO Vid

Ninja Moped/Rymdreglage is back with another LEGO stop-motion featuring a bunch of classic 8-bit video games (worthwhile previous efforts HERE and HERE). That's a scene intro and some Castlevania action in the screencap there. After watching it twice I can't even imagine how many man-hours went into making these things. My guess is at least ten. Trillion! Too high? Okay, five trillion. "Do you even know what a trillion is?" I really hope that was meant to be hypothetical, because I'm gonna punch your teeth out if it wasn't. "Seriously though, do you?" No clue. Like a one and six zeros?

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Nintendo Power!: 8-Bit Stop-Motion LEGO Vid "

Mar 9 2011 Geekologie Reader's DIY Zelda Mini-Arcade

This is Geekologie Reader Greg's homemade Legend of Zelda mini-arcade. It has a Nintendo stuffed in the back. Originally Greg just sent me a video of the machine, which looks suspiciously like it was filmed in the middle of a seizure, so I convinced him to send me some pictures. A couple more of those and the video (complete with Ms. Pac-Man mini-arcade!) after the jump. Good lookin', Greg. I'm talking about the machine itself, not your camera skills. Those still leave a little something lot of everything to be desired. GET A TRIFORCE, BRO! "You mean tripod?" I SAID WHAT I MEANT, LINK CAN'T BE TRUSTED ANYMORE. NOW GO! Oh wait, I almost forgot -- It's dangerous to go alone! Take this. *hands dildo*

*waits for Greg to leave, calls buddy on phone* Duuuuuude -- I just sent a guy out the door to battle Ganon with a f***in' dildo for a sword! The octorocs are gonna eat his ass alive!

Hit the jump for a couple more pics and a video walkaround (NOT reach).

Continue Reading " Geekologie Reader's DIY Zelda Mini-Arcade "

Mar 8 2011 LOLWUT?!: Canned Cow Farts Make Country Transplants Feel More At Home In The City

Canned cow farts: $8. OD'ing on canned cow farts: $64. The look on your family's face when they see the cause of death: Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's shit-smell in a can even more money.

Tins filled with the air sucked out of an ageing wooden stable, straw lined and filled with gas producing cattle has become an instant hit after it went on sale in Germany.

Managers of the 'Countryside air to go' project say their clients are mainly country people who have moved to the city and want to be reminded of home.

'We are planning other smells such as horse, straw, pigs and manure. But most people miss the smell of the cows in the country, not really surprising as much of the smell is from cows.'

Cows' farting and burping have even been accused of causing global warming problems.

Just one cow gives off enough harmful methane gas in a single day to fill around 400 litre bottles, which is really bad for the environment, say experts.

Wait -- one cow ass can fill 400 liter bottles a day?! Why didn't anybody tell that to the ol' geezer in 'Up'? "Jesus, GW -- maybe because methane doesn't float like helium?!!" Whoa whoa whoa, cool your jets, Mr. Wizard, I was just asking. Soooooooo....what's the word on huffability? "Whatever moron -- go for it." HA -- I WAS GOING TO ANYWAY!

Cow fart cans offer 'authentic smell of countryside' [metro]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom and Rosie the lemon licker, who's really just one person who likes to pretend he's not sitting at his computer alone.

Mar 8 2011 Back To The...Junkyard?: A DeLorean Trailer

There's no Scotch Grove Apartments in Hill Valley!

The DeLorean trailer: for going back to the future with more dead hookers to dump than one trunk can carry.

DeLorean Trailer Lets You Travel Back In Time With Extra Bags [gizmodo]

Mar 8 2011 Amazing Team Rocket Pokemon Cosplay

Because so many of you seem to pop raging Pokeboners anytime I post something pocket-monster related, here's a gallery of Team Rocket cosplay by skilled costumer/cosplayer/photographer Ryoko Demon. There's a bunch more after the jump, plus a bonus track of the official Pokemon Black and White theme song by Presidents of the United States of America (the band, dummy, not Taft and Roosevelt). So yeah, did you all run out and grab the new Black and White release this weekend? I did not. I did grab an Orange Julius (okay, four) from the mall though, so that's something. Something delicious as f***! I don't care what my doctor says, the diarrhea's worth it.

Hit the jump and get your looky-looky and listen on.

Continue Reading " Amazing Team Rocket Pokemon Cosplay "

Mar 8 2011 Video Game Graphics: The New Crysis Engine

This is a video demonstration of CryEngine 3, the newest gaming-engine from Crytec (the makers of Crysis -- DERDER!). The screenshots there don't really do it justice, but suffice it to say the next generation of video game titties are gonna look photo-realistic. Wow, we sure have come a long way from those polygonal droopers in God of War, amirite? "WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT -- THOSE THINGS WERE F***IN' SWEET!" Okay just stop now before you make me any sadder. Dude's gettin' all excited about fake video game titties. WTF.

Hit the jump for 3:00 of the future of gaming (don't forget to watch in HD).

Continue Reading " Video Game Graphics: The New Crysis Engine "

Mar 8 2011 For The Ladies: Electronic Nose Straightener

Look in the mirror. Now dig out those eye crusties. Look again. Got a witch's nose? MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP PRACTICING BLACK MAGIC. Or buy a $140 'Omni Beauty Lift High Nose' nose straightener (AND lifter!). Soon nobody will even be able to tell you're half Jewish! *whistling*

Push up that nose of yours to create the perfect profile with this handy Beauty Lift High Nose, a beauty gadget that applies gentle electric vibrations from the bottom, side and front. Just slip it on and turn on the switch on the front of the frame.

While the supports hold your nose in place the buzzing will help shape your nose into just that little bit firmer and higher. All you need is three minutes once a day and you (and everyone else) will soon notice the difference!

Electric shocking your nose into shape: it just makes sense. No word if wetting your nose first quickens the process, but I say go for it. You might even stop growing nose hair! Ooooooor producing tears -- which is a win/win if you ask me. No guy wants a boogery crybaby!

Product Site
via
Electric Beauty Lift High Nose straightens, vibrates [japantrends]
and
Electric Beauty Lift High Nose Straightener?? [beautysocial]

Thanks to Cpt Amazing, who already has an amazing nose. AND abs. *swoon*

Mar 8 2011 Finally, Some Quality Lab-Grown Urethras

Seen here looking suspiciously like krazy straws, lab-grown urethras created from patients' own bladder cells have been successful transplanted and functioning properly. Please note: this doesn't mean you should go act all loosey-goosey with your wiener-tube. It's probably still better to keep the original.

From these samples, the scientists isolated the cells they would need to grow the new structure that expels urine from the bladder.

These cells, needed to make the muscle, lining and supportive tissue, were nurtured and multiplied in the lab for weeks until they were plentiful enough for the job.

They were then placed onto a biodegradable mesh that was shaped into a tube and sized to be a perfect fit for the patient.

After a week of incubation to allow the cells to take to the mesh, the lab-grown grafts were surgically transplanted into the patients.

Six years on the grafts are still doing well, looking and functioning exactly like a normal urethra

TMI aside, that's pretty amazing. Maybe one day they'll be able to do o-rings. And by o-rings I mean b-holes. And by b-holes I mean buttholes. And by buttholes I mean mine specifically because I burnt through mine with too much spicy food. What? It's not easy making a living winning hot-wing eating contests! Not on the roommate you share a bathroom with anyways. Derek -- if you're reading this I'd strongly recommend trying to hold it for at least another hour. Also, I'd flush without looking a couple times.

World's first tissue-engineered urethras hailed success [bbcnews]

Thanks to Nina, who's hoping scientists will learn how to lab-grow fingers so we can cut them off with a machete as a party trick and then get new ones. YES!

Mar 8 2011 POW-POW-POWER WHEELS! RANGERS: Every Ranger In Battle At The Same Time

7:30, guys, really? Isn't it a little early for an all-out battle? Daddy needs his coffee and some bathroom time.

This is a video from a recent episode of the Japanese equivalent of Power Rangers that quite possibly features every single Power Ranger in battle at the same time. Pfft, I'm pretty sure the original six could have handled it alone. Just sayin', Zordon, it wouldn't kill you to take a course in supply chain management before sending out the whole crew again.

In this scene from the Japanese tokusatsu show Kaizoku Sentai Gokaiger (which premiered last month in Japan), a battle erupts between some bad guys and what appears to be every Super Sentai (a.k.a. "Power Rangers" stateside) hero ever created.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like pulling out all the stops and having an every-ranger-ever battle in the first month of a show's premier is a little excessive. You gotta save that shit for when ratings are slumpin', yo! How could you possibly live up to a Power Ranger Battle Royale in the first month? "Uh, by replaying the same footage in a different context every couple weeks?" Touché, Rainbow Ranger -- now touch my butt.

Hit the jump for two minutes of spandex-clad spazzes running around waving their arms like idiots.

Continue Reading " POW-POW-POWER WHEELS! RANGERS: Every Ranger In Battle At The Same Time "

Mar 8 2011 New Digital Camera Lets You Add Makeup

You look great, really.

The Panasonic LUMIX FX77 is a 12.1-megapixel picture-taker with a twist. Just kidding, it doesn't have a literal twist because that would make for one awkward shaped camera! Like a penis that was put on upside down but with less hitting-so-close-to-home because I know you told me that in confidence (SORRY!). Anyway, the $400 soul-stealer has a touchscreen makeup studio app built in that you can use to slap on some lipstick or rose your cheeks after taking a picture. Still won't fix that wonk-eye though! (It's cool I have one too)

After you've taken a shot, you can use the 3.5-inch display to add makeup to your subjects, smearing rouge and lip gloss with a fingertip. It's undoubtedly handy if you've always wanted to see what your father looks like wearing mascara, but never quite built up the courage to ask.

Otherwise there's HDMI connectivity, an SDXC memory card slot, optical image stabilization and Leica optics with a 5x optical zoom. It'll also shoot HD video

Alternatively, Photoshop the pictures after downloading them to your computer LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. Then, crop your gut out and post that shit on Facebook to trick all the people you went to highschool with into thinking you're fit now. Girl, how you gonna have two-hundred pictures of nothin' but your face -- ARE YOU JUST A HEAD IN A JAR?!

Hit the jump for a shot of the application in use and a very short commercial.

Continue Reading " New Digital Camera Lets You Add Makeup "

Mar 7 2011 Dating Site Matches Couples That Look Alike

You know how they say that couples that are together for a long time start to look like one another? I know, I thought that was an old wive's tale too (old wives talk about the craziest shit!). Anyway, with this concept in mind, an upcoming online dating service (findyourfacemate.com -- launching later this month) plans to match couples that look alike. Because, let's face it: nothin' beats making love to yourself.. Oh GW -- so caliente (in my mind I'm somewhat of a Spanish stallion. Literally -- like a warhorse that can talk).

In a 1989 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, male and female "raters" were asked to judge the faces of 60 couples (some real, some strangers included as a control) on a nine-point scale, where 1 represented no similarity and 9 indicated the hypothetical case of opposite-sex twins. The average score for non-couples was 3.52; among actual couples, the average was 4.05. Concluded the study: "The results suggest that the observation of facial resemblance among couples appears to reflect a real phenomenon."

So following the reasoning that facial similarities seem to help with initial attraction, Findyourfacemate.com decided to use a "facial-recognition technology developed by Face.com, which zeros in on nine points on each face -- the eyes, ears, nose, chin, and the corners and center of the mouth -- to find similarities" between potential romantic partners.

Wow, that sounds like...a great way to accidentally start dating a relative.

Someone Like You [nymag]
via
New dating site will find your look-alike [digitallife]

Thanks to Jillian, who doesn't want to date people that look like her because she doesn't want to wind up sharing clothes. Hey, I'm with you.

Mar 7 2011 Die Creep!: Most Realistic Humanoid To Date

Not to date like, "damn, I wanna take that stud out to dinner and play with his wiener afterward", to date like, "up to this point in time". Introducing Geminoid DX, the latest doppelganger of death from Kokoro Co. Ltd and this creepy mamma-jamma.

When we wrote Prof. Scharfe [the man whom the robot was modeled after] inquiring about the android, he confirmed: "No, it is not a hoax," adding that they've been working on the project for about a year now. His Geminoid was built by Kokoro in Tokyo and is now at Japan's Advanced Telecommunications Research Institute International (ATR) in Nara for setup and testing. "In a couple of weeks I will go back at Japan to participate in the experiments," he says. "After that, the robot is shipped to Denmark to inhabit a newly designed lab."

I posted several videos after the jump showing the ultra-realistic facial expressions and mannerisms the robot is capable of, none of which made me feel very warm and fuzzy inside. Cold and razor-wiry, yes. Is it wrong to feel so much hate for something that isn't even human? I say no. As a matter of fact, I f***ed my toaster up with a stool this morning for burning a bagel. Admit it -- YOU KNEW IT WAS THE LAST ONE!

A comparison shot of the live and humanoid versions, a couple shots of the robot without his face-skin on (in case you hate sleeping) and four short videos of the creep in action after the jump.

Continue Reading " Die Creep!: Most Realistic Humanoid To Date "

Mar 7 2011 Sessy Bobba Fett Tattoo On...Is That A Calf?!

OMG OMG -- her nips are peepin'!

Just plain wrong, or the rightest thing you've ever seen in your entire life? SPOILER: Wrong. Very, very wrong. But is that gonna stop you from dropping a "I'd let her work for my Jabba" in the comments? *shaking ball* "Outlook not so good." Ha, of course it's not.

Hunt for Galactic Booty with a Female Boba Fett Leg Tattoo [obviouswinner]

Thanks to James, who agrees a tan would've probably looked better there.

Mar 7 2011 Dot-Gobbler!: Unknown Facts About Pac-Man

Pac-Man, everybody's favorite dot-muncher besides yours truly (I'm a sucker for Dippin' Dots!), has always been a riddle wrapped inside a mystery wrapped inside a giant mouthy exterior. That is, until now. Game-creator Toru Iwatani has finally opened up about the toothless glutton (should've brushed and floss, yo!). Five little-know facts:

The point of the game was to attract girls

"The reason I created Pac-Man was because we wanted to attract female gamers..."

Each ghost had specific orders

...it's only Blinky, the red ghost, who doggedly pursues you throughout the game. Pinky, the pink ghost (naturally), simply wants to position itself at a point that's 32 pixels in front of Pac-Man's mouth. The blue ghost, Inky, is seeking to position itself at a similar fixed spot. And Clyde, the orange ghost, moves completely at random.

What, exactly, does Pac-Man mean?

In Japanese, "puck puck" is akin to the U.S. saying "munch munch". So the original name - Puck-Man - translated as "Munch man". (A savvy Midway Games official changed it to Pac-Man when the game hit the U.S. to discourage vandals from shaving off part of the "P," thereby creating an obscene word.)

The missing puzzle piece

...at the time, there was one more thing he wanted to add to the game.

"I wanted to have a shelter and it would move up and down," he says. "When the ghost comes, the ghost would be pinched by the shelter which would disfigure the ghost."

The ghosts were almost just one color

The president of Namco ordered him to make the ghosts a single color - red, to be precise - since she believed players would be confused that some ghosts, perhaps, were Pac-Man's ally.

Iwatani refused the order and on questionnaires to the game's testers, asked if they would prefer a single color ghost or four. Not a single person wanted the single-color option. That ultimately convinced the president she was wrong.

Well, did you learn something interesting? I thought the part about the ghost's particular orders was the most interesting. Just kidding, it was the part about the president of Namco in 1980 being a woman.

Five things you never knew about Pac-Man [yahoogames]

Thanks to me.vicky, Alan and Mary, who once played Pac-Man at the arcade all day and didn't pay a dime quarter. Haha, the ol' washer-on-a-string trick! F***ing classic.

Mar 7 2011 Bootyful: Sweet Pirate Ship Themed Bedroom

Bootyful, get it?! Me neither, my dogs told me to type it or they'd pee on my favorite rug AND THEN THE WHOLE ROOM WOULD COME UNRAVELED. Lebowski reference -- count it.

This is a pirate-themed bedroom designed for a six-year old who may or may yes be spoiled rotten. It can be accessed via a hidden slide in the home's mudroom (picture walkthrough after the jump) and has just about everything a kid would need to grow up to be a self-entitled jerkbag. Way to go, parents. Huh? YES I'M JUST BEING JEALOUS.

Designed by Steve Kuhl for a six-year old, the bedroom has a "floating" pirate ship that is connected to a "jail cell" by means of a rope bridge. A rope's suspended from the ship's hull for quick access to the closet, and another awesome addition is a completely hidden spiral slide, for the kid to travel downstairs in awesomeness.

Hit the jump for an entire gallery of the childhood bedroom you wish you had had. Wow, and to think how happy I was when I got a regular-ol' bunkbed. Granted things got less happy after I rolled out of it one night and shattered my fishtank on the way down, but you ever seen your aquatic friends flopping around dying on your bedroom carpet? I think my dad made a fish-stick joke.

Hit the jump and get jealous.

Continue Reading " Bootyful: Sweet Pirate Ship Themed Bedroom "

Mar 7 2011 The Placebo Effect, Or, What Do You Mean They Were Just #[email protected]%ing Sugar Pills?!?!

This is a little informative video about the incredible effect placebos can have on a patient's mind. It's pretty interesting, particularly if you're not familiar with placebos. Me? I once got an entire frat wasted off non-alcoholic beer to the point several dudes started puking. Huh? No I didn't take advantage of them! Unless videotaping with intent to blackmail counts, which it does not. And if any of you guys even think about running for office, just remember: Sausage Partygate '08 -- I've got something you might be interested in.

Hit the jump and trick your mind into thinking its learning.

Continue Reading " The Placebo Effect, Or, What Do You Mean They Were Just #[email protected]%ing Sugar Pills?!?! "

Mar 7 2011 National Geographic Builds House From 'Up', Launches Into The Wild-Blue Yonder

You know that movie 'Up' by Pixar? The one about the crotchety old man and chubby boyscout? Yeah, I haven't actually seen it (somebody said it'd be too sad for me AND I'M DELICATE LIKE EXPLOSIVE GEL). Well, to promote their upcoming television series 'How Hard Can It Be?', National Geographic built a functional replica of the 'Up' house to -- get this -- see how hard it could be. SOFT LOOKS PRETTY SOFT.

...March 5 at dawn, National Geographic Channel and a team of scientists, engineers, and two world-class balloon pilots successfully launched a 16' X 16' house 18' tall with 300 8' colored weather balloons from a private airfield east of Los Angeles, and set a new world record for the largest balloon cluster flight ever attempted. The entire experimental aircraft was more than 10 stories high, reached an altitude of over 10,000 feet, and flew for approximately one hour.

The filming of the event, from a private airstrip, will be part of a new National Geographic Channel series called How Hard Can it Be?, which will premiere in fall 2011.

MYTHBUSTERS KNOCKOFF. And it only took eight years to come up with the idea! Smooth, National Geographic executives. And by smooth I mean rough, like wiping your ass with a handful of sand and gravel. That said, I'll still watch it. And not just because I can only stand so much ginger facial hair and berets, but...actually that is mostly why. Plus it's hard making room on my DVR with so much Real Housewives and Jersey Shore.

Hit the jump for several more pictures and a video news report of the I believe I can fly in action.

Continue Reading " National Geographic Builds House From 'Up', Launches Into The Wild-Blue Yonder "

Mar 7 2011 Robotic Tattoo Machine Even Picks Design

This is a robotic tattoo machine designed by Chris Eckert (WTF, BROSKI?!) that does all the work for you. INCLUDING PICKING A DESIGN. But not just any design -- oh no.

Auto Ink is a three axis numerically controlled sculpture. Once the main switch is triggered, the operator is assigned a religion and it's corresponding symbol is tattooed onto the person's arm. The operator does not have control over the assigned symbol.

OMG you're mom is gonna to be piiiiiiiiiiiissed. "What are you, some kind of devil-worshiper now?! This is NOT how we raised you!" Raised me?! Video games raised me, you just grounded me for drinking and smoking weed! You should know if my Warcraft guild didn't require 40-hours a week I'd have a job and be out of this f***ing basement! Bring another bag of chips when you come down to rotate the laundry?

Automatic Tattoo Machine Inks Random Tats [make]
via
Automatic tattoo machine chooses your ink for you [dvice]

Thanks to wes g, carlos and Erin, who prefer to get their random tattoos the old fashioned way: blackout drunk. Hoho, another penis!

Mar 6 2011 OMGWTFWEREOFFICIALLYNOTALONE?!: Fossilized Alien Bacteria Found In Meteorite

Alien bacteria? Possibly. Noodle puking noodles? Probably.

A NASA scientist who's dreamed of having sex with aliens since adolescence claims he's found FOSSILIZED ALIEN BACTERIA in a rare form of meteorite. This discovery may or may yes lend credit to the Scientologist belief that meteorites are Xenu's sperm, raining life down on planets like pissing off a highrise. Admittedly, I don't actually know if they believe that or not, but I'm running with it. Also: scissors. Pirate eyes, makin' a comeback!

Hoover [no relation to the vacuum manufacturer -- except being a sucker!] discovered the fossils by breaking apart the CI1 meteorite, and analyzing the exposed rock with a scanning-electron microscope and a field emission electron-scanning microscope, which allowed him to detect any fossil remains. What he found were fossils of micro-organisms, many of which he says are strikingly similar to those found on our own planet.

"The exciting thing is that they are in many cases recognizable and can be associated very closely with the generic species here on earth," said Hoover. Some of the fossils, however, are quite odd. "There are some that are just very strange and don't look like anything that I've been able to identify, and I've shown them to many other experts that have also come up stump."

Every other scientist in the world is currently poring over Hoover's findings with the hopes of proving him wrong. Me? I'm currently poring over the Sunday funnies with the hopes somebody snuck a naked lady into a panel of Dilbert. I've only got one panel left though so it's not looking promising. *peeps* Damn. Maybe Garfield...

UPDATE: Apparently Hoover sucks(!) too much of the space-weed (which is actually just meth) and is a crackpot bullshitter. Also, still no luck on the nudie comic front and I'm getting down to the last few strips. COME ON, PRINCE VALIANT!

NASA scientist finds evidence of alien life [yahoonews]

Thanks to Kryptic Khaos, TOM, casey, Johnathan, April and Turbo the Mechanical Ape who encourage you all to tape your buttholes shut until we get to the bottom of this. Tape?! I glued!

Mar 6 2011 BUSTED!: Idiot Moron Meth Dealer's Comic Book Based Money Laundering Scheme

Should've called the Maytag Man. Get it? I'm gonna punch myself so hard!

Clearly disregarding Captain America's hatred of illicit substances, 30-year old Colorado meth dealer AARON CASTRO spent all the proceeds from his lucrative drug dealin' on comic books. Like, $500,000 worth. What -- no graphic novels?!

While most people that make loads of money engaging in illegal actives usually open a business that acts as a front that allows them to filter their tainted money through, Aaron, as if through some kind of mystical nerd alchemy, opted to tread on unexplored territory: he transformed a lot of drug money in to comic books -- 18,753 comic books, to be exact.

As is usually the story for big time drug dealers, Aaron was caught. Most of the time federal prosecutors seize the drug dealer's assets, including any and all cash that may be stored away. But in Aaron's case there was no cash. Just 18,753 comic books, which in total are valued at around $500,000.

Lonna Gwinn, who says she used to sell Aaron's meth, claims Aaron's comic book obsession was so bad that she used to make cash exchanges inside comic books stores, at which point Aaron would turn around and use that cash to buy entire boxes of comics.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? "Yeah, all the kids on that comic look like addicts." Exactly. Well -- what're you waiting for, Captain?! SHIELD THEIR F***ING FACES OFF!

Comic Books: The Most Creative Money Laundering Tool [funnycrave]

Thanks to Belpheegor and Thaylor, who launder money the old fashioned way: in a bucket with a washboard.

Mar 4 2011 Gotta Catch 'Em All (Hopefully On Your Bedroom Floor!): Pokemon Card Dress

Note: Full-res version HERE in case you ubernerds want to complain about the value of the cards she cut up instead of just yelling 'I'D DO HER!' in the comments and calling it a day like a normal pervert.

This is a chick wearing a dress (and armor!) made entirely out of Pokemon cards (no word if she's wearing a Pokebra or not). That's pretty much all I've got. I think she's supposed to be a gladiator or something. I dunno, if it were her vs. two lions I'd put all my money on the lions. Literally -- like stacking things on cats! You think I'm afraid of lions? I'm not afraid of lions. Lions are afraid of me. "Yeah, but only because you told them you're the one that killed Simba's dad." WTF BRO -- givin' away my trade-secrets?! Not coo.

Chomiji's Flickr
via
Girl dressed up in armor made of Pokémon Cards [albotas]

Mar 4 2011 Double The PEWsure, Double The Fun: Conjoined Twin Glocks With Scope

Seen here looking suspiciously like the lovechild of Hunter S. Thompson and Hitler, a man demonstrates his 'DoubleGlock Machine Pistol' (aka the 'Doppleglock'). Whatever you do, don't tell the gansters -- they love holding them guns sideways! And not just because it makes the recoil awkward and aiming impossible, but...actually, I don't know why they do that. Because you were gonna end up shooting a bunch of bystanders anyways? 2PAC LIVES!

Hit the jump for one more shot of dude showing off his custom holster and 1/3 white mustache.

Continue Reading " Double The PEWsure, Double The Fun: Conjoined Twin Glocks With Scope "

Mar 4 2011 I Don't Even Know Who You Are Anymore!: Seventy Minimalist Video Game Characters

Flickr user Lishoffs (aka Fabian Gzlez), the same maker as the uncannily similar-looking minimalist superhero and supervillain posters (derder!) is back at it, this time with video game characters. Can you name them all? I can. I mean, if I wanted to. Which I don't so I'm not gonna. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! "GW, would you kindly go through them all?" Sure, let's see here, there's Mar-- *bashes face in with golf putter* A MAN CHOOSES, A SLAVE OBEYS.

Hit the jump for a bonus 'Minimalist Robots' poster I apparently missed (probably because I was afraid to look) along with a link where you can buy the prints as posters.

Continue Reading " I Don't Even Know Who You Are Anymore!: Seventy Minimalist Video Game Characters "

Mar 4 2011 Space Beer: For Out Of This World Drankin'

Hrey whas this brutton do?

Space beer, not to be confused with beer made with ingredients grown in space, is beer designed to be consumed in space by future space-tourists. Why does space deserve it's own beer? I dunno, but I'm getting pretty jealous about it!

The reason why space-goers need their own beer is two-fold.

First the carbonation in the beer poses a problem for those zero-G gulpers. Without the buoyancy force that the drink has on Earth, the carbon dioxide, which is dissolved in the beer, doesn't form bubbles-and who wants to drink a flat beer?

Second astronauts often face issues with a deadening of their taste buds. To overcome this tasting deficiency, the Australian company that made the brew decided it should be a stout, with the normal flavors enhanced.

The brew was bottled in early September and is expected to make its inaugural flight in November, aboard a plane that flies in long parabolic arcs to create periods of weightlessness. The beer will be tested for its qualitative taste and drinkability (hopefully not by the pilot).

The brew is a joint venture between Saber Astronautics Australia and 4-Pines Brewing Company, and, if all goes well, will even be available here on earth for you non-space cadets. But that's not what I came to tell you about, I came to tell you about getting drunk in space. DON'T TALK SHIT TO ALIENS, THEY WILL BLOW UP EARTH.

Next on Space Tourist Menu: Space Beer [cbsnews]

Thanks to Fortune, who's so rich he has a magazine named after him. Share the wealth, bro!

Mar 4 2011 NO: Humanoid Robot Phone Gets Prototyped

Remember Professor Hiroshi Ishiguro's future-vision of robotic humanoid cell phones? Well the crazy SOB has started developing prototypes, and these are them. WOULD DROP IN TOILET AND NOT FISH OUT.

The Elfoid...fits in your pocket and tickles you when you've got a call.

"The mobile phone may feel like the person you are talking to," the ATR said, describing the gadget as a "revolutionary telecom medium".

They hope to put it into commercial production within five years by adding image and voice recognition functions.

The prototype, slightly bigger than the size of a palm, features an outer coating that feels like human skin, ATR officials said.

A speaker is installed in the head of the doll-like gadget and a light-emitting diode in its chest turns blue when the phone is in use and red when it is in standby mode.

The body resembles a human being but its design is so blurred that it could be taken as either male or female and young or old...

I'm not gonna lie, that sounds like the worst idea I've heard in a long time. I don't want no robot ticklin' my genitals every time I get a call! And I sure as hell don't want to talk into some androgynous android's nether-region. "Can you hear me now? How about now? Now? SORRY, I'M TALKING INTO A F***ING ROBOT'S CROTCH. Aaaaaaand I think I just licked its butthole."

Elfoid may be the creepiest mobile ever [news.com.au]

Thanks to Robbie, who -- oh God not the robot, right?! Whew.

Mar 4 2011 No Picnic Is Safe!: Ants Get Mind-Controlled By Killer Fungi And Turned Into Zombies

So apparently there are several species of fungi from Brazilian rain forests that can take over an ant's brain, control it, and then kill it. Now I know what you're thinking, and no, you really shouldn't sell this info to a mad scientist.

Originally thought to be a single species, called Ophiocordyceps unilateralis, the fungus is actually four distinct species--all of which can "mind control" ants--scientists announced Wednesday.

The fungus species can infect an ant, take over its brain, and then kill the insect once it moves to a location ideal for the fungi to grow and spread their spores.

Some of the fungi species create thin "infection pegs" that stick out from a victim's body and infect passing ants...

Other fungus species develop explosive spores on infected ants' bodies. When other ants come near the cadavers, the shooting spores can hit the unwitting passersby, turning them too into zombie ants.

DAMN MOTHER NATURE -- YOU'RE EVEN MORE F***ED UP THAN I THOUGHT! And that's saying a lot because I haven't forgotten about seahorses and giraffes. I mean, mind-controlling fungus? You've got to admit, that's a little over the top. Also, me on this swingset. Aaaaaaaaand I'm inside-out.

Zombie Fungus Rears Its Ugly Head [nationalgeographic]

Thanks to Zombeertroll, Shin, Exebechã, Albertboltz, Jonathan and Bill, who aren't afraid of zombie ants because they always roll with magnifying glasses. BUT WHAT IF IT'S CLOUDY?!

Mar 4 2011 2nd Amendment Revocation: Dad Accidentally Shoots Self, Son Accidentally Shoots Mom

Accidentally shooting yourself: it's embarrassing and it hurts (sometimes fatally!). Accidentally shooting yourself and then your son accidentally shooting your wife: are you sure you're qualified to own a firearm?

The double shooting blunder happened in Alabama recently, as the father, Allen Jones, was retrieving his trusty Glock .40 handgun from the glove box in his truck.

As he walked back to his house, he tripped and fell, causing the gun to discharge and accidentally shoot him in the leg, just above his knee.

Because his wife Aleisha was upstairs bathing, it was his young son who was the first on the scene. And by the time Aleisha had made it downstairs the little lad was holding the weapon.

When she then tried to take the gun from the child, another round fired, this time shooting her in the left side of her neck.

Neighbours who heard the gunfire called 911 and the wounded pair were soon taken to to hospital where they're in stable condition.

Dammit Darwin, what are you, on vacation? This could have been a couple easy award recipients right here. But did you show up to give them trophies? Nooooooooo. YOU KNOW THEY'RE NOT GOING TO LEARN THEIR LESSON! Just ask the father, I dare you -- ask him what he learned. "Don't keep my gun in the glove box." SEE?!?!

Crappy local news report after the jump.

Continue Reading " 2nd Amendment Revocation: Dad Accidentally Shoots Self, Son Accidentally Shoots Mom "

Mar 4 2011 BREAM ME UP SCOOTCHY: Scientists Ponder Laser-Based 'Pulling' Tractor Beam

Harvester beam still under development. Get it? Farm equipment joke! That one goes out to all you yokels in the midwest reading Geekologie on a dial-up connection and daydreaming about corn. Haha, do I know you guys or what? Anyway -- an "attractive" tractor beam. BUSTED BEAM'S FACE IS STILL BUSTED. Would not talk to unless vomity drunk.

...researchers from Hong Kong and China have calculated the conditions required to create a laser-based "pull".

The trick is not to use a standard laser beam, but rather one known as a Bessel beam, that has a precise pattern of peaks and troughs in its intensity.

Seen straight-on, a Bessel beam would look like the ripples surrounding a pebble dropped in a pond.

If such a Bessel beam were to encounter an object not head-on but at a glancing angle, the backward force can be stimulated.

Granted this is all hypothetical at this point, and, if it does work, is only expected to work over very short distances, but still -- you've gotta start somewhere. Or you could, I dunno, ASK SOMEONE WHO'S BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS. That guy -- the one sitting on the inflatable donut -- ask him how they do it. "I just had hemerrhoid surgery." LIES!

'Tractor beam' is possible with lasers, say scientists [bbcnews]

Thanks to TK 745, Jennaiii, JHolloway, Aido, Paulo and Doug, who don't need tractor beams because they've got attractive personalities. Except Paulo, he's unbearable to be around (I can say that cause I know him and it's true).

Mar 3 2011 Star Wars Episode I Gets 3-D Release Date

Well folks, don't bother marking your calendars, because February 10, 2012 is the date you can go stuff another $16 in George Lucas' moneygrubbing pocket to see Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3-D. If you're lucky, maybe on the way to the local cineplex you'll have a flashback to 1999 when you were excitedly going to see the original without realizing GEORGE WAS ABOUAT TO DROP A GIANT STINKING TURD RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES. Aaaaand hopefully that'll prevent you from seeing it this time. If not, there's this picture of Darth Maul in 3-D glasses. It's the best part of the movie. Get it? BECAUSE IT DOESN'T F***ING EXIST. Suck it, George. Gobble that Gungan wiener!

3D Version of 'Star Wars' Gets a Release Date [thewrap]
and
Picture

Thanks to everyone who sent this, like I don't have a shit-radar or something.

Mar 3 2011 NES 8-Bit Breathalizer Is An Actual Game

This is a Nintendo cartridge that's been stuffed with a breathalizer unit and synced to a homebrew NES game so you can blow into it and find out just how boozy you are. Fun for the whole family! (Except grandma, she's a mean drunk).

DrunkenNES is a for-real NES game lovingly constructed with machine code by Batsly [Adams], music by chiptune artist Kris Keyser and art by Motherboard photographer Emi Spicer.

A regular NES cartridge has been loaded with an actual breathalyzer mechanism, which Batsly says he bought from a hardware store. He hacked it into a corded controller that connects to the console just like a normal joystick. After blowing into it for several seconds, the game calculates how slizzered you've gotten and awards you with one of several 'results' screens like Buzzed Bee and Party Kitten. Best party game ever? Yeah, I'd say so.

Very cool. Of course the fact that you'd have to tote a whole NES around pretty much limits its practicality to at-home use only. Which, correct me if I'm wrong, is the one place it doesn't matter how drunk you get. Unless you're one of those drunk-texters, in which case, God, enough with the penis pictures already, I'm on a pay-per-text plan! Just kidding, but do try to consolidate.

Hit the jump for a drunk cameraman filming a drunk breathalizer user. Barfy! Also, a less puke-inducer of some of the possible rankings.

Continue Reading " NES 8-Bit Breathalizer Is An Actual Game "

Mar 3 2011 The World's Most Typical Person According To National Geographic (Which Nobody Reads But To See The Naked Aborigines Anyways)

According to National Geographic, the world's most typical person is a 28-year old Han (ethnic group) Chinese man. There are more than 9-million of them, and National Geographic used over 190,000 of their photos to create this composite image. But they say that in 20 years the most typical person is going to be Indian! "I, uh, thought we decimated them." Not Native American, dammit, Indian. Like from India. Weird, and all this time I would've guessed the world's most typical person is a self-entitled asshole. The more you know.

Hit the jump for a short video by National Geographic with some facts and figures about the world's most typical person (i.e. they probably have a cell phone but no bank account!)

Continue Reading " The World's Most Typical Person According To National Geographic (Which Nobody Reads But To See The Naked Aborigines Anyways) "

Mar 3 2011 Zelda Skyward Sword Gameplay Footage: Link Is Officially A Righty. Nooooooooooooooooo!!

This is a video of the gameplay footage from the upcoming Zelda release, The Legend of Zelda: The Skyward Sword. Admittedly, it looks great, but apparently they've decided to make Link (a long-time lefty) a righty for the sake of the Wii's motion controls, which is causing an uproar from the southpaw community. COME ON, LINK WAS ALL I HAD LEFT(!!!!!11). Just kidding, it is kind of a shame though. Also, why are there no cool blogger characters in TV and movies? I'm hip, yo, I'm jive.

Hit the jump for a minute of you better not let me down.

Continue Reading " Zelda Skyward Sword Gameplay Footage: Link Is Officially A Righty. Nooooooooooooooooo!! "

Mar 3 2011 GW Casts 'Incinerate': Model Of Hogwarts School Made From 602,000 Matchsticks

Seen here refusing to pull dude's finger, this is a model of Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry from those Harry Potter books made by Patrick Acton (who also did this matchstick Minas Tirith). "Damn GW, two Potter posts in one day? You're making my wand flutter!" I know, that was my goal. *pointing* LOOK EVERYBODY -- THIS DUDE'S GETTING EXCITED ABOUT A F***ING HARRY POTTER MODEL!

If you thought you built something that was impressive when you were younger, you probably shouldn't show it to Patrick Acton.

The matchstick pioneer and builder has created the most awesome replica of the Hogwarts School...It took Patrick three years and 15 gallons of wood glue to put it all together.

Gosh, I hope they didn't cut down the Tree of Gondor to make all those matchsticks. No? Wrong franchise? Woopsie doopsie. But seriously, three years? That's a long-ass time to work on something. I would've opted to make a Play-doh model in an afternoon AND EAT IT AFTERWARD. "Is that why there's a rainbow of leftover Play-Doh in the garbage?" Haha, that's not leftover.

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots.

Continue Reading " GW Casts 'Incinerate': Model Of Hogwarts School Made From 602,000 Matchsticks "

Mar 3 2011 Finally, A Color Nightvision Video Camera

You know what the biggest problem with nightvision cameras is? They make your sex tape look like shit. If I wanted to see two green, googly-eyed aliens having sex I'd buy a telescope and point it at the moon (oh they're there). Enter the COLOR nightvision camera -- heralding a new age in nightvision sex videos. Please note: 20-minute shots of your b-hole still not cool. GET A TRIPOD, CECIL B. DePERVERT!

The Nanosystem Research Division of AIST (National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology Japan), recently showed off a new camera that...makes use of highly sensitive infrared technology that allows it to capture real-time color video in darkness. Using advanced algorithms to analyze reflected wavelengths from objects of different colors, the camera is able to fill the images with colors instead of the usual monochrome green color we've come to expect from night vision cameras. The camera is still in development stage yet, but there are plans to turn it into a commercial device for sale to the public by the end of 2011...

God, just imagine if this technology had existed back in '04 when Paris Hilton filmed her sextape. It would STILL be entirely unwatchable! Which brings me to my point: it's all about angles and positions, folks. Trust me, I studied sex film in college (read: pretended I was asleep and taped my roommate masturbating).

Video explanation of the technology after the jump if you're interested.

Continue Reading " Finally, A Color Nightvision Video Camera "

Mar 3 2011 Topographic LEGO Maps Show Migration Data

Seen here proving he has zero clue what the world actually looks like, artist Samuel Granados creates 3-D maps out of LEGO blocks that show migration data. Oh c'mon -- BIRDS CAN'T READ LEGO!

His project is very funny: a 3D cartogram about emigration and inmigration between american countries. But in true 3D: made with Lego pieces, as he explains, "to seize the space of the exhibition" and "allow you to watch teh cartogram from different perspectives".

One side of the map show the emigrants of each zone, the opposite shows the inmigrants (both represented by the volume of the pieces).

Being pretty sure inmigrantion is a made up word aside, I'd like to imagine dude actually said "teh" in his quotation, like that's the way he talks. Me? With a lisp. Which, fun fact, 'The King's Speech' was actually based on me. "Uh, I'm pretty sure that was King George VI and it was a stuttering problem." Whatever, I heard that dude died trying to bang a horse. "That was Catherine the Great and it's not even true." Really? Because that's not what Mr. Ed said! Claims it was his great-great uncle that did her in. All part of an elaborate Animal Farm conspiracy.

Hit the jump for several more shots, including the finished product that for some reason nobody bothered taking pictures of from both sides.

Continue Reading " Topographic LEGO Maps Show Migration Data "

Mar 3 2011 Lacking Magic: Harry Potter Pickup Lines

This is a series of Harry Potter pickup lines told between two girlfriends on Facebook, both speaking as if they had a penis. And maybe they do. That's cool, I just don't want to see it. Not in real life anyway. If it was a Polaroid or on TV I might take a glance but then peep at the rest of the people in the room and try to act like them and not -- AND NOT cross my eyes and yell 'BONER BONER BONERS!' like instinct would dictate. I'm rewiring my animal brain, yo! No, no I'm not. I am rewiring my apartment to run off my neighbor's electricity though. I've never read any of the Harry Potters so I didn't get a lot of these references. So yeah, feel free leave your best Harry Potter pickup line in the comments. [Insert something about your Golden Snitch breaking my broomstick like a toothpick]

Harry Potter Pickup Lines [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Maria, who insists she'd actually listen to a guy tell Harry Potter pickup lines. Jesus, you might as well pour bleach in the gene pool!

Mar 2 2011 A Long Time Ago In A Bong Far, Far Away: Handblown Glass Boba Fett Helmet Pipe

I don't actually think it's a water pipe, I'm pretty sure it's dry. Like my mouth. Hoho, tokin' on the job! Just kidding. One time I tried writing a post high and was so ashamed I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without my face melting off. "Are you sure you weren't tripping?" *FACEPUNCH* NOBODY ASKED YOU HUH YES I'VE BEEN JUICING. Managed to snag some kitty steroids when I was at the vet. I think they're improving my night-vision. MEOOOOOOW! Holy sh-- WTF was that?! "That was you." Oh right. Damn, I make a good cat don't I? "Not really, no." *mauls face off* What?! *licking butthole*

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the out of this world headiness.

Continue Reading " A Long Time Ago In A Bong Far, Far Away: Handblown Glass Boba Fett Helmet Pipe "

Mar 2 2011 Hooray? Nay?: Apple Announces The iPad 2

Well folks, to the surprise of not a single f***ing person, Apple announced the iPad 2 today. Are you going to get one? Kidding, I don't really care, I was just making conversation. BAD CONVERSATION. That's how little I care. The highlights, per Engadget:

• "Twice as fast" 1GHz dual-core A5 chip
• Front and rear cameras (rear 720p @ 30fps, front VGA @ 30fps)
• Graphics performance up to nine times better than on the original iPad
• Same 10 hour battery life as original
• Same pricing ($499 for a 16GB WiFi-only iPad 2 up to $829 for a WiFi + 3G 64GB) of HDMI output capable of 1080p (after a $39 dongle)
• Enlarged speaker grille on back
• Same 1024 x 768 resolution and IPS LCD screen technology as original
• gyroscope (but no lollercopter)
• 33 percent thinner
• 1.3 pounds (down from 1.5)
• Personal Hotspot capabilities
• New operating system iOS 4.3
• Funky-ass folding covers
• Starts shipping March 11th
• COMES IN WHITE FROM DAY ONE

Well, there you have it. And here you have the actual conversation I had with a 16-year old Geekologie Reader while the liveblog was going down (names have been changed so don't bother messaging us):

Iron Man (9:01:34 AM) yo yo yo
The GW (9:02:58 AM): Geekologie Writer to Moonbase Alpha, do you copy?
Iron Man (9:03:25 AM): I copy GW, how's the moon cheese?
The GW (9:03:38 AM): getting more delicious by the day, over
Iron Man (9:04:23 AM): wonderful, bring some back to base...
Iron Man (9:04:33 AM): MOON NACHOS TONIGHT
The GW (9:04:45 AM): TACO NIGHT!
Iron Man (9:05:51 AM): WWWWWOOOOO
The GW (9:07:49 AM): ROCKETSHIPS!
Iron Man (9:12:20 AM): HOLY SHOT
Iron Man (9:12:24 AM): APPLE STORE IS DOWN
Iron Man (9:12:32 AM): NEW SHIT IS ON ITS WAY
....
Iron Man (9:44:22 AM): 15 mins!
Iron Man (9:50:31 AM): Why is there no live stream?
Iron Man (9:56:29 AM): MUST FIND LIVE STREAM
Iron Man (10:00:30 AM): Ladies and gentlemen, our presentation will begin shortly. Please switch devices to silent mode.
Iron Man (10:00:39 AM): DEAR GOD, WHERES THAT LIVE STREAMN
The GW (10:00:57 AM): GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Iron Man (10:01:15 AM): OH GOD
Iron Man (10:01:37 AM): APPLE, Y U NO STREAM
Iron Man (10:03:21 AM): STEVE'S BACK
Iron Man (10:03:24 AM): OMGWTF
Iron Man (10:03:26 AM): BDHJDUJDGHVKUDV
The GW (10:06:05 AM): BOOSH?
The GW (10:06:25 AM): video?
Iron Man (10:06:43 AM): No
Iron Man (10:06:51 AM): probably the closest thing to it
Iron Man (10:06:57 AM): Giz isnt even stream
Iron Man (10:07:39 AM): JEEZ
Iron Man (10:07:47 AM): Y IS NOONE STREAM
The GW (10:16:19 AM): dam they sold 15 million ipads last year
The GW (10:16:20 AM): good god
Iron Man (10:16:58 AM): ha
Iron Man (10:17:07 AM): doctors are using it
Iron Man (10:17:27 AM): iPads are being used to work with Autistic children. This is pretty cool. "We're not curing Autism, but it's helping.
Iron Man (10:18:52 AM): zxmfbDISVfgiozxmvd[fs
Iron Man (10:18:54 AM): }Iyfidygrw
Iron Man (10:18:55 AM): IPAD
Iron Man (10:18:56 AM): @
Iron Man (10:18:57 AM): 2
Iron Man (10:18:57 AM): 2
Iron Man (10:18:58 AM): 2
Iron Man (10:18:58 AM): 2
Iron Man (10:18:58 AM): 2
Iron Man (10:18:59 AM): 2AHHHHH
The GW (10:19:03 AM): ONE ONE ONE
Iron Man (10:19:05 AM): IM FOAMING AT THE MOUTH
The GW (10:19:19 AM): THE A5
Iron Man (10:19:31 AM): DUAL CORE CPU
The GW (10:19:41 AM): TWICE AS MANY CORES
Iron Man (10:19:52 AM): 9X AS FAST
Iron Man (10:19:55 AM): GRAPHICS
The GW (10:20:01 AM): GRAFFIX!!
Iron Man (10:20:24 AM): VIDYA CAMERAZZZZ
Iron Man (10:20:44 AM): GYROSCOPE
Iron Man (10:20:58 AM): 33% thinner!
The GW (10:21:05 AM): BITCH NEEDS CHEESBURGERS
Iron Man (10:21:28 AM): AHHAHHAHA TYHERE IT IS
Iron Man (10:21:29 AM): ajfgbs bf78er
Iron Man (10:21:45 AM): ITS THINNER THAN THE iPHONE $
The GW (10:21:53 AM): *smashes iPhone*
Iron Man (10:22:19 AM): IT WEIGHTS LITTLER!
Iron Man (10:22:31 AM): .2 pounds less, to be exact.
Iron Man (10:22:45 AM): THERE IT IS
Iron Man (10:22:48 AM): GOOD GOD
Iron Man (10:22:52 AM): ITS SO DEXY
Iron Man (10:22:53 AM): DTHEJKYG
Iron Man (10:22:55 AM): AHHHHHHHHHH
Iron Man (10:23:07 AM): ITS WHITE
The GW (10:23:17 AM): WHITE
Iron Man (10:23:18 AM): ATT AND VERIZION
The GW (10:23:19 AM): pasty as a mofo
Iron Man (10:23:40 AM): YES
Iron Man (10:23:43 AM): OH GOD YES
Iron Man (10:23:53 AM): Over a month of standby.
Iron Man (10:23:59 AM): A MONTH OF STANDBY
Iron Man (10:24:17 AM): ITS THE SAME F***ING PRICE
Iron Man (10:24:20 AM): OH GOD
Iron Man (10:24:25 AM): SAME PRICE
Iron Man (10:24:29 AM): SAME PRICE
Iron Man (10:24:29 AM): SAME PRICE
Iron Man (10:25:39 AM): MARCH 11!
Iron Man (10:25:45 AM): MARCH THE F***ING ELEVENTH
The GW (10:26:15 AM): NINE DAYS
Iron Man (10:26:39 AM): HDMI VIDEO OUT
Iron Man (10:26:44 AM): HOOPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The GW (10:26:44 AM): on one foot?
The GW (10:27:05 AM): engadget crashy
Iron Man (10:27:12 AM): I know
Iron Man (10:27:20 AM): RAGE QUIT TO GIZMODO
Iron Man (10:28:32 AM): smart covers?
The GW (10:28:42 AM): I want 3g monthly cost change
Iron Man (10:29:03 AM): MUST DECIDE WHICH ONE GET
Iron Man (10:29:21 AM): It's a flap.
Iron Man (10:29:28 AM): That's pretty unimpressive
The GW (10:29:35 AM): FLAP IS CRAP
Iron Man (10:29:44 AM): OH
Iron Man (10:29:52 AM): IT PUTS IT TO SLEEP AND WAKES IT UP
Iron Man (10:30:01 AM): NOT UNIMPRESSIVE
The GW (10:30:18 AM): PLUS ITS A STAND
Iron Man (10:30:45 AM): I AM IMPRESS
Iron Man (10:30:56 AM): LEATHER
Iron Man (10:32:01 AM): That's a sessy stand
Iron Man (10:32:27 AM): ENGADGET CRASHES AGAIN
The GW (10:32:34 AM): working for me
Iron Man (10:32:40 AM): $69 bucks?
Iron Man (10:32:49 AM): 69?
The GW (10:32:51 AM): little steep there Steve
Iron Man (10:33:20 AM): 4.
Iron Man (10:33:23 AM): POINT
Iron Man (10:33:25 AM): 3.
Iron Man (10:33:25 AM): !
Iron Man (10:33:26 AM): !
Iron Man (10:33:27 AM): !
!

1
Iron Man (10:34:11 AM): improved safari
Iron Man (10:34:30 AM): improved airPlay
Iron Man (10:36:23 AM): PERSONAL HOTSPOT
Iron Man (10:36:26 AM): ITS SIZZLIN
Iron Man (10:37:04 AM): Photo Booth!
The GW (10:37:05 AM) I am currently away from the computer making pancakes.

Official Site
and
The iPad 2 [engadget]

Thanks to everyone who sent this, but I don't live under a rock you know. (It's a fallen tree!)

Mar 2 2011 I...Don't Get It: Plastic-Bagged Bananas

I thought God invented bananas with peels so we wouldn't have to put them in bags. But what do I know? I'm just a guy who made a cucumber salad after his roommate used it as a buttplug. NOT COOL, DEREK. I'm afraid to even ask what he did to my string cheese.

While the trial may seem bizarre at a time when big businesses are under pressure to reduce packaging waste, Del Monte insists the addition of a clear plastic bag is actually a green measure.

The company claims that the bag contains 'Controlled Ripening Technology' - which extends the shelf-life of the banana by up to six days.

The banana is put into the plastic bag when it is green and, according to the manufacturers, goes on to ripen more slowly than if it had been left in the open air.

The product is also being trialled in the U.S. where the wrapped bananas are selling for one dollar each

$1 apiece? WTF! I thought bananas were like 25¢. Oooh oooh, I've got an idea -- How about I just BUY AN UNBAGGED BANANA WITH MY DESIRED LEVEL OF RIPENESS? "Because, ignoramus, all the ones at the market are either way too green or already destined for banana bread." Whoa whoa whoa -- I didn't realize we had a banana expert in the audience! "Well you do. Did you know the Dwarf Cavendish is the most common variety of bana--" ENOUGH FROM YOU, MONKEY!

It's bananas! Fruit gets a second skin with Del Monte packaging [dailymail]

Thanks to Erin, who doesn't eat bananas as much as she holds them like guns and go "PEW PEW PEW!"

Mar 2 2011 Find Makarov: The (Very Impressive Looking) Fan-Made Call Of Duty Modern Warfare Trailer

This is a Call of Duty: Modern Warfare themed movie trailer called 'Find Makarov' that proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that fans are making movies I'd be more likely to go see than the big production companies. Just watch it. Then realize if 20th Century Fox was responsible it would include some kind of shitty love story that'll make you want to throw the rest of your Skittles at the screen (and you LOVE Skittles!). But I'm here to tell you throwing candy isn't the answer, my friend. No, flushing paper towels down all the toilets until they overflow -- that's the answer. Also: to bad restaurant service and passing time at the DMV. Pretty much everything really. Girlfriend wants to go shopping at the mall? Sure, I'll flood some bathrooms.

Hit the jump and be impressed (make sure to watch in HD).

Continue Reading " Find Makarov: The (Very Impressive Looking) Fan-Made Call Of Duty Modern Warfare Trailer "

Mar 2 2011 Finally, A Realistic Taser Toy For Children

Children: they like to hurt each other. I remember having rock fights when I was a kid, but that was back in the stone ages (rock joke!). Now kids have electronics, and, FINALLY, a realistic-looking and functional taser toy. That's right, it actually shocks. Some children may never grow hair on their balls! Or keep their lunch money.

• Ideal joke and monster toy.
• Get an electric shock by touching the baton when you touch the shock button.
• You can either shock to get you moving again or give some annoying persons a strong but harmless shock.
• Reusable and not dangerous if used properly.
• Great for jokes, fun and play.
• Adult shock toy, not for children or elders.
• Built-in flashlight, and it is safe to use if you don't touch the shock button.

Right, it's an "adult shock toy". Please, like I don't already have a car battery and alligator clips in the bedroom. I do is the thing. Plus a backup generator. Just sayin', you ever seen electricity arc between two nipples before? Me neither. But I have rubbed my socks on the carpet and touched my penis to the doorknob. What?! OH LIKE YOU'VE NEVER PLAYED ZEUS BEFORE.

Product Site (ONLY $3.40!!)
via
Working stun gun for kids must be the most inappropriate toy ever [dvice]

Mar 2 2011 Naked Therapist Strips During Every Session

Sarah White is a 24-year old therapist who practices 'naked therapy', or the act of getting butt-ass naked while you cry about the time your dad called you a loser. Iffy? Absolutely. Better than the guy who tries to hypnotize me and touch my privates? Maaaaaybe.

White begins her sessions with her clothes on. But as the hour-long appointments heat up, she gradually sheds all of her duds until there's nothing left to take off.

"Freud used free association," she said. "I use nakedness."

The initial sessions, which cost $150, are conducted via a one-way Web cam and text chat. Once she develops a rapport with a client, she'll move on to two-way video appointments via Skype and even in-person consultations.

Not surprisingly, professional psychologists are not sold.

"She's using the word therapy here, but I don't consider this therapy," said Diana Kirschner, a New York-based clinical psychologist. "I consider this interactive soft-core Internet porn."

[White] conceded that naked therapy is not approved by any mental health association. And she is not a licensed therapist.

LOL! She's not even a licensed therapist! That makes this 100% a $150 softcore webcam show. Which, fun fact: you could get for cheaper at any webcam pr0n site. You think a webcam stripper gives a shit if you're crying about how your mom loves your sister more? No. Just as long as you keep throwing those digital singles they don't give a fuuuuuuuuuu.

Hit the link for a painful strip-interview with Little Miss Bullshitter.

Birthday-suit therapist Sarah White conducts naked therapy sessions for troubled New Yorkers [nydailynews]

Thanks to Matty, who wears a winter coat, scarf and gloves as part of his fetish webcam show for people who are into overdressers.