Feb 28 2011 Shuttle Launch As Seen On Passenger Flight

This is a video of last week's Discovery shuttle launch as seen from a commercial flight departing Orlando, FL. It's pretty amazing to see. Like being duct-taped to a computer chair so you can't move and then having your eyes taped open while coworkers take turns throwing things directly at your face. Yeah, just like that. But with less cutting their brake-lines afterward. Haha, who's got the big cubicle now?! Beats me, I'm too busy getting pounded in the slammer. C'MON -- IT WAS PRACTICALLY SELF DEFENSE!

Hit the jump for 2:00 of oohs and aaahs BUT NO SEX.

Continue Reading " Shuttle Launch As Seen On Passenger Flight "

Feb 28 2011 Mother Nature, You One Cruel B: 'Were-Girl'

11-year-old Supatra Sasupha has a busted chromosome that's left her with Ambras Syndrome, a rarity that, in case you couldn't tell, causes a person to grow thick hair everywhere. But, despite laser hair removal being ineffective, this isn't a sad story, this is a story of the triumph of the human/'were-girl' spirit. You see, Supatra doens't give a fuuuuuuuuuu.

But while most sufferers have been shunned, Supatra has gradually been embraced by her community, and became a popular and outgoing child.

The bubbly little girl is also determined not to let her condition prevent her from leading a normal life.

She said: 'I like to study maths so I can be good at it and teach it to younger children so they can do it too.

'I want to become a doctor so I can help patients when they get injured.

'I want to help people who get hurt and help cure people.'

'It does sometimes make it difficult to see when it gets long.I hope I will be cured one day.'

Now, what was it you were complaining about? Because I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't sound that important anymore. Does it? BE THANKFUL YOU WHINY ASSHATS. Also, anybody who feels like making fun of her in the comments is a 30-year old who can't grow a beard and is butthurt about it.

Hit the jump for several more shots.

Continue Reading " Mother Nature, You One Cruel B: 'Were-Girl' "

Feb 28 2011 Bench Press: Cheap And Sessy Advertising

Using word blocks to press things into people's skin so they walk around as free advertising: good idea. Using red-hot metal to press things into people's skin so they walk around as free advertising: better idea.

The ad agency DDB Auckland altered benches to press an advertisement for Superette, a clothing chain in New Zealand, into the bare legs of people who sit on them. They read "Short shorts on sale Superette".

Pretty clever, right? It is. Of course, it only works on women (and men) already wearing short shorts (or less), so you can forget about all the ladies in mom jeans doing your advertising for you. "BUT I LOVE WOMEN IN MOM JEANS!" Dude you'd love a woman in a parka and ski mask, stop acting so desperate.

Bench Presses Advertisement into Bare Thighs [neatorama]
via
How to Piss People Off In One Easy Step [gizmodo]

Thanks to Jody, who found out the hard (read: purse to the head) way that "I was trying to read the advertisement!" is a poor excuse for trying to stick your face two-inches from a woman's ass. Trust me, "I was trying to smell a fart" doesn't work either.

Feb 28 2011 Shake That Hobbit Ass!: LOTR Remix

This is a song by mixologist Pogo called 'Murmurs from Middle Earth' created entirely out of chords and vocal samples from the movies. I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty catchy in a 'damn I just wanna shake my ass!' kinda way. Which -- what do you say we all gather in one ring(!!!!!!11) and have a dance contest. You can show off your moves first, but just a heads up: I got a booty-drop that'll rule them all. Well, provided I don't shit my pants on the way down, WHICH HAS HAPPENED. Made the whole bar smell worse than Mordor. Just sayin', I saw a cocktail waitress puke in a tip jar.

Hit the jump, turn the volume up to 11, and turn your cubicle into a Monday Middle Earth Dance Party!

Continue Reading " Shake That Hobbit Ass!: LOTR Remix "

Feb 28 2011 Oh Hai Captains: Kirk And Spock Bathrobes

Well Star Wars Jedi bathrobes already exist, so it was only a matter of time before somebody made Star Trek bathrobes. Available in doodoo-yellow 'Kirk' and baby blue 'Spock' models, each robe will set you back $50. Unless you accidentally let your morning wood hang out the front when you go to grab the paper and all the kids waiting for the school bus see you, in which case it'll cost whatever an indecent exposure ticket goes for (my last was $1,000 plus 90 days in the clink).

Hit the jump for a couple more shots including some close-ups in case you were wondering about the embroidery quality of a $50 robe.

Continue Reading " Oh Hai Captains: Kirk And Spock Bathrobes "

Feb 28 2011 Not Again!: Marvel Vs. Capcom Vs. Flatscreen

Note: Slightly larger version HERE in case you want to -- you know what, I don't even wanna know.

I knew there was a reason I didn't pick up Marvel vs. Capcom 3. "Yeah, I thought it was because your mom doesn't let you play violent games." *mocking* Meh, I thought it was because your YOU SHUT UP. I can play whatever video games I want, INCLUDING THE ONES RATED 'E'. "You do know 'E' stands for 'Everyone', right?" NUH-UH IT STANDS FOR EXTRA VIOLENT, MY MOM SAID. "She also said you rode the short bus to get to school with less stops." Okay you've lost me.

Marvel vs. Capcom Vs. Your HDTV [obviouswinner]

Thanks to Khaled Painkiller, who actually created the image with his brother. Now uppercut the top of my screen off!

Feb 28 2011 No Seriously, Why?: Robot Crumb Vacuum

The Robo Vacuum has apparently been out for a while (OLD! YOU SUCK GW!) but I've never seen it before and I try to keep abreast (also: abooty) of robotic products so I can assess their danger level and assign an appropriate color-code. These $15 suck-bots are a pink with little white stripes. What? I'M FANCY!

This little Robot Vacuum will never get tired cleaning up your messes. Simply push the on / off button on the top of his head and he will vacuum up your dusty desk or the crumbs from your morning muffin at the kitchen table.

Admittedly, $15 is pretty cheap, but do you know what's even cheaper? Paper towels. Plus they won't try to eat the rest of your bagel when you hit the fridge for another glass of OJ. And speaking of OJ -- who else mixes orange juice and milk and chugs it like a poor-man's Orange Julius? "UGH -- DOESN'T IT CURDLE?!" Oh, it curdles alright. F***in' love me some chunks. TRUFFLE SHUFFLE FTW!

Product Site
via
Crumb Robot Vacuum [foodbeast]

Thanks to Margaret, who cleans up her crumbs like a normal person: by letting her dog on the table to lick them up. God, I would've done it!

Feb 28 2011 Say No To Blank Walls: Asteroid Wall Decals

Blik Re-Stik Asteroid Wall Decals are $45 sticker packs that turn your frown upside down wall into a giant unplayable game of Asteroids. That's a whole set pictured, so you can get an idea of what you could do with one. Which, whether you have any sense of composition or not, is still gonna end up 200% cooler than the pages of hot chicks you ripped out of Maxim and tacked to the wall. "But they were free!" Right, but they also look like shit. Plus women hate it when you have stuff like that up because it makes them realize just how unrealistic your expectations of the female form are. "Wait -- not all women have water-balloon knockers?!" *facepalm* No moron, some of have Super Soakers.

Hit the jump for what the stickers look like on a white wall since you're far too lazy to paint. Also, bonus Centipede and Pong decal sets. THEY GOT THOSE TOO, YO!

Continue Reading " Say No To Blank Walls: Asteroid Wall Decals "

Feb 27 2011 Fine, One Last Piece Of Zelda Propaganda

Note: Larger version HERE but you can go to Brian's DeviantART page for a massive 7500x5000px (18MB) version.

Here's one last piece (promise) of Zelda propaganda to finish off the celebratory week. It's a chart depicting the various swords from the different Zelda games as created by Geekologie Reader Brian R. (aka Spongeboy1985). Per the man himself (no not God, stupid):

This is A graphic I decided to make of the Swords of Legend of Zelda

This is my No means meant to be a complete Guide

I had a difficult Time Deciding how The Swords should be Categorized
Again thanks to Zelda Wiki For helping me decide

I decided to Not Include The Minish Cap White sword because it is a completely different sword than the others and is a Predecessor to The Four Sword

I included Swords In which I could find Images for
If you feel I'm Leaving something out or Know of images for Swords that I didn't include please let me know. I'm always looking to improve.

Almost Decided to but Minor Enemy swords Such as Darknut's sword and and Moblin spear but Decided not to.

Combined Noble Sword from Oracle Games With The White sword Because the Japanese Version Names it The White Sword Plus I could not Find any good Images of the Noble Sword

I created my own Version of the "Link's Awakening" logo Because the original looks like The "Link to the Past" Logo

Sure, so it's not 100% inclusive. But did that stop me from making it my wallpaper? It did not. But my penis? Out of the question. This is a 15" laptop, not a iPhone video wall!

Brian's DeviantART (with the massive version for download)

Feb 25 2011 Geekologie Reader's Miniature Zelda Tribute

Well folks, this wraps up the 25th anniversary week of the first Zelda game's release. So, in honor of my all-time favorite franchise, here's a super-short video tribute shot by Geekologie Reader Chad (aka SpiderChad). In case you couldn't tell, it was made using miniatures (plus a fog machine!). On a side note, if Skyward Sword disappoints I'm going to smash my Wii into ten-thousand pieces. You know, or sell it back to Game Stop. God knows the only reason it's sitting in the back my closet anyways is because of the next Zelda. Dammit Link, you better not let me down! And on that note, I'm off to get drunk and forget everything I wrote this week. I might crank out a couple this weekend though, you never know! Which is why you should really focus on the other half the battle. G.I. Joke!

Hit the jump for the short but sweet video.

Continue Reading " Geekologie Reader's Miniature Zelda Tribute "

Feb 25 2011 BigDog's Creators Get DARPA Grant To Build A Faster, Human-Hunting Robotic Cheetah

Remember BigDog from Boston Dynamics? Ha, how could you forget, it haunts our dreams at night (well at least mine anyways). And now the creators have been awarded a grant from DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency) to build 'Cheetah', a smaller, faster-than-human version capable of hunting. Basically, a fully-functional killer version of this guy. Greaaaaaaaat. *jams a porkchop between your buttcheeks*

As the name implies, Cheetah is designed to be a four-legged robot with a flexible spine and articulated head (and potentially a tail) that runs faster than the fastest human. In addition to raw speed, Cheetah's makers promise that it will have the agility to make tight turns so that it can "zigzag to chase and evade" and be able to stop on a dime.

Aside from its unspecified military applications, Cheetah's makers see it galloping to the rescue and building a brave new future in the fields of "emergency response, firefighting, advanced agriculture and vehicular travel."

So -- is anybody here still convinced the robot apocalypse is just a make-believe story I tell my dogs before bed so they don't get off the couch in the middle of the night? If so, raise your hand. Skynet -- please take all these @$$holes first and give the rest of us a fighting chance. Now -- who knows the best way to kill a robotic cheetah? *pointing* You, with the glasses. "With kindness?" Yeaaaaaaaah, you try that. Then, while it's busy tearing all your limbs off, I'll shoot it with a rocket launcher. ROCKET LAUNCHER, MORON, ROCKET LAUNCHER WAS THE ANSWER.

Darpa's Cheetah-Bot Designed to Chase Human Prey [wired]

Thanks to Kristen and jdivo, who want to know if you throw a robotic cheetah if it always lands on its feet. SPOILER: No. It lands on your face. With its claws out. Then your face disappears.

Feb 25 2011 Spongebob Actually A Terminator In Disguise

This is a Terminator in a Spongebob skin made out of LEGO. I, for one, am never eating another Krabby Patty for as long as I live. Which, since I'm a sorcerer, is forever. That's right, I'm gonna put the Krusty Crab out of business! And speaking of Krusty Krabs *drops trou* Give it to me straight, doc, how do I get rid of 'em? "Holy f*** -- I've seen smaller Alaskan king crabs!" Sooooooo...sell them to Red Lobster? What're you trying to tell me?

Hit the jump for several more shots, including one from the back showing his inner-workings.

Continue Reading " Spongebob Actually A Terminator In Disguise "

Feb 25 2011 Itsy-Bitsy Computer To Be Planted In Eyeballs

This is a tiny-ass computer. How tiny? That's a dollar coin in the picture. "Uh, I'm pretty sure that's a penny." Haha -- YOU WOULD KNOW, PEASANT! I only deal with big bills. Literally, they're piling up and the collection agencies start calling at 6AM. But enough about my financial security, this is a computer designed by the University of Michigan to be implanted in the eyeballs of glaucoma patients and monitor eye-pressure.

Patients with glaucoma get excess pressure in their eyeball, which can damage the optic nerve, leading to blindness. This needs to be monitored on a regular basis, and this could be much easier with this little device. It's being described as the first millimeter-scale computer and it's just one cubic-millimeter in size. Incredibly, it only consumes 5.3 nanowatts.

The computer is charged up by solar power and is able to transmit the data wirelessly.

Joking aside, I'm actually a glaucoma suspect and have to go to the ophthalmologist for yearly checkups because I have unusually large optic nerves (AND genitals, but he refuses to look at those). I'll probably never actually develop the disorder, but am I gonna let that stop me from smoking weed? No sir! Am I, Bongy? "Change my water." YOU SHUT UP.

Computer So Tiny, It Could Fit in Your Eye! [technabob]

Thanks to NASA Astronaut, how may have sent this tip from the space shuttle Discovery. You know, or lied. And to Joseph, who wants a tiny computer implanted in his ear to monitor when people are bullshitting.

Feb 25 2011 I Am Your New High Scorer: PewPew Video Game Controlled By Yelling 'PEW!' Into A Mic

PewPewPewPewPewPewPewPewPew (or PPPPPPPPP for short) is a coming soon XBox 360 title controlled by voice input. One player controls the space-ranger's jetpack (presumably by blowing or PSSHOOOOOOWing) while the other controls his laser blaster by repeatedly spitting 'PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW!' into a microphone. Sounds fun, amirite? It does. For a half-hour. Then it sounds like cotton-mouth and a headache plus -- PLUS -- an annoyed roommate shoving a mic up your ass. You ever heard an amplified fart before? It's something you don't soon forget. Just sayin', Public Speaking 101, spring semester 2002. Girl was so embarrassed she dropped the class.

Hit the jump for two demos: one adults, one children, both painful.

Continue Reading " I Am Your New High Scorer: PewPew Video Game Controlled By Yelling 'PEW!' Into A Mic "

Feb 25 2011 Looks Last Minute: Cartoon Cosplay Wedding

Seen here donning their best (but still very bad) Jessica Rabbit and Superman costumes, English couple Nyssa Pratten, 19 and Rob Taverner, 32 (CRADLE ROBBER!) tied the proverbial nuptial noose in a comic book/cartoon-themed wedding this week that gives every indication of being planned entirely the night before. Kidding guys, you look great. Well, Nyssa anyways.

Bride Nyssa walked down the aisle to the 'Star Wars' theme, and after confirming their nuptials the happy couple left to the famous 'Looney Tunes' exit music.

Mr Taverner said that he and his wife had a shared love of cartoons and comics.

He said: 'I'm what everyone calls a 'geek', into all the nerdy stuff like computers, comics, sci-fi and graphic novels.

'Nyssa's into more of the girlie stuff like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but she's learning - she gets really proud of herself when we're all chatting and she gets a reference.'

The blushing bride, who is 15 weeks pregnant, said that it didn't take her long to choose her outfit.

"...gets really proud of herself when we're all chatting and she gets a reference". Don't worry Nyssa, I know the feeling. I nearly crap my khakis with pride every time I pick up on a reference. Which, admittedly, is rare. "Dammit GW, you're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know..." *BRAP!* Big Lebowski -- BIG LEBOWSKI!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots, including some of the other colorful characters that were there for the ceremony (including a dude in a Supergirl costume -- ZANY!)

Continue Reading " Looks Last Minute: Cartoon Cosplay Wedding "

Feb 25 2011 Serious PEWS: New Navy Superlaser Can Burn Through 20 Feet Of Steel Per Second

Not gonna lie, probably wouldn't wave my hand in front of it for less than $20.

Seen here looking at least partially constructed out of tin-foil, the Navy has made a breakthrough in the laser department, creating a free-electron laser (FEL) capable of producing a sustained 500 kilovolt beam OF TOTAL DESTRUCTION (the previous record was 320kV, and four years ago was an embarrassing 10kV). Which, while impressive, is nowhere near as badass as the 1,100kV laser I'm working on. "Uh, did you invent that just so you could say, 'TURN IT UP TO ELEVEN...HUNDRED'?" Yes, yes I turn it up to 1,100% did.

The new technology will allow the Navy to utilize the powerful "death ray" to burn up incoming missiles or punch holes in an enemy vessel's hull.

"Five hundred [kilovolts] has been the project goal for a long time," says George Neil, the FEL associate director at Jefferson Labs. "The injector area is one of the critical areas."

The free-electron laser is one the U.S. Navy's highest-priority weapons programs. The future of weaponry rests in "fighting at the speed of light and hypersonics," says Rear Adm. Nevin Carr, the Navy's chief of research. "We're fast approaching the limits of our ability to hit maneuvering pieces of metal in the sky with other maneuvering pieces of metal."

So, give it to me straight: is a superlaser capable of burning through 20-feet of steel a second covered under my second amendment right to bear arms? Kidding -- why would I want bear arms?! They'd probably be covered in honey and bee stings!

Hit the jump for a 6:45 dozer of a video about the technology.

Continue Reading " Serious PEWS: New Navy Superlaser Can Burn Through 20 Feet Of Steel Per Second "

Feb 25 2011 Straight From The Witch's Tit: Breast Milk Ice Cream

Chunky, just the way I like it!

I don't know about you, but I like my breast milk the way nature intended: with a ton of chocolate syrup and a bendy straw. But now an English ice cream parlor is making (you guessed it) ice cream out of the stuff. I'll, uh, just stick to the fish n' chips.

The dessert, called Baby Gaga, is churned with donations from London mother Victoria Hiley, and served with a rusk and an optional shot of Calpol or Bonjela.

Mrs Hiley, 35, said if adults realised how tasty breast milk was more new mothers would be encouraged to breastfeed.

Each serving of Baby Gaga at Icecreamists costs £14 [~$22.50]

Mrs Hiley's donation was expressed on site and pasteurised before being churned with Madagascan vanilla pods and lemon zest.

...14 other women had come forward to offer their services. Health checks for the lactating women were the same used by hospitals to screen blood donors.

Baby Gaga, very clever. Sike! But seriously, I actually used to date a girl whose breast milk came out of the nip as ice cream. What was her name again? Oh right, THE ICE QUEEN. Made one hell of a banana split.

Hit the jump for the BBC News report that's sure to have you saying, "I scream, you scream, we all scream for HOLY SHIT DID THAT REALLY JUST COME OUT OF A TITTY?!"

Continue Reading " Straight From The Witch's Tit: Breast Milk Ice Cream "

Feb 24 2011 Your Mom Banged Magneto!: Magnetic Boy

Seen here making his mother's finest flatware waaaaaay less fine, 7-year old Bogdan is a Serbian boy whose family claims his body is magnetic. *cough* Bullshit *cough, hack, loogie*

To prove their claim, the family paraded the boy in front of an camera crew, with a variety of objects stuck to his chest.

They say the objects stay there until Bogdan removes them by hand.

Bizarrely, it's not just metal that seems to be attracted to the youngster. China plates and bowls seem to adhere themselves to Bogdan's chest as well.

The family say Bogdan is not allowed to go near anything electrical, such as a television or a computer, because his alleged magnetism turns them off.

Riiiiiiiiiiight. Not just metal but plates and bowls, huh? That, uh, that sounds a little suspicious. F***IN' MAGNETS -- HOW DO THEY WORK?! aside, I do know how not showering works. Give that kid a bath, THEN I'll talk to him. And by talk to I mean pummel with loose change. What? For science!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of stuff stuck to him (including a fake penis made out of two plates and a remote control!) and a video of his (questionable) ability in action.

Continue Reading " Your Mom Banged Magneto!: Magnetic Boy "

Feb 24 2011 The Ol' Gallium Spoon In A Cup Of Water Gag

Gallium (Ga, atomic #31 between zinc and germanium) is a silvery metallic metal not found elementally in nature. But that's not what's important, what's important is it melts just a little above room temperature (~86°F, 30°C). So you can mold it into whatever you want (but NOT a dildo!) in the fridge and then pass it off to an unsuspecting friend as steel and watch it melt on them. Oh the hilarity! In this demonstration, a spoon molded from gallium is stirred in a cup of warm water and melts almost immediately. Imagine if that were a friend's coffee! You could tell them it's mercury and they're probably gonna die! Huge fan of the 'you're gonna die!' pranks. You could say I live for them. Get it?! Me neither, I got high at lunch and shouldn't have!

Hit the jump for the demo and a couple websites to buy pure gallium if you want (it's not super cheap though, around $40-$60 for enough to make a spoon -- it is reusable though)

Continue Reading " The Ol' Gallium Spoon In A Cup Of Water Gag "

Feb 24 2011 The Race For Your Life: Robot Marathon Gets Underway In -- You'll Never Guess! -- JAPAN

Seen here making me work up a sweat just looking at them (fear AND the thought of exercise), two robots compete in the first (and hopefully last) Robot Marathon in Osaka, Japan. It's a full, 26-mile marathon that kicked off today (Thursday for you SHAMEFUL, NON-DAILY READERS) and is expected to last until Sunday, because, well, just look at those little legs. That's the shit they try to serve on 25¢ wing night!

The contestants are expected to take four days to complete the course, which involves 423 laps of an indoor track.

Operators are allowed to change the robots' batteries and motors but if the machines fall over they must get up by themselves.

The race is being organised by local authorities and a local robotics firm, which hopes the marathon will become an international event in the future.

Organisers say they expect the race to be won not by the fastest robot but by the one that can withstand the most wear and tear.

Hey, you wanna know who's not gonna win the race? Humanity. I don't care if it takes a robot 4 days to walk 26-miles, you know what they have that we don't? Endurance. Just sayin', I collapsed on my way to the fridge this morning and I started from the kitchen floor. I'm light-headed and pukey by the end of every Geekologie article!

Hit the jump for -- *searching Youtube* yes, hit the jump for a video of the action.

Continue Reading " The Race For Your Life: Robot Marathon Gets Underway In -- You'll Never Guess! -- JAPAN "

Feb 24 2011 Creationary: Pictionary But With LEGO Blocks

Creationary is a new game from LEGO that's basically Pictionary except, instead of drawing, you build stuff with LEGO blocks. Admittedly, I would play it. AND WIN EVERY TIME. You know why? Because I'm LEGOmaniac. Hey -- what's that over there?! *stuffs a couple blocks in mouth* What?! It makes me feel like a chipmunk!

Roll the LEGO® Dice to select one of four exciting building categories: vehicles, buildings, nature or things. With three levels of difficulty you can show off your building skills, while the others guess what you are creating. A great game for family and friends to test your imagination, creativity, building and guessing skills to the max.

With the unique buildable LEGO Dice and changeable rules, LEGO Games is a great way of having fun together with family and friends. An interactive game for 3 - 8 players. Game play approximately 30-60 minutes

Creationary comes with over 340 LEGO pieces and costs around $35. But if you're a cheapskate like me you can just make the game yourself out of an old copy of Pictionary and the LEGO blocks you already have. An echo? HOW THE F*** AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE AN ECHO OUT OF LEGO BLOCKS?! Ooh ooh -- I've got it. *building* Well? "I dunno, a mermaid?" A MERMAID?! NO DAMMIT, IT'S ECHO. You know -- the Dolphin. SEGA CD WILL NEVER DIE! *eats Pictionary card in rage*

Amazon Product Site
and
Target Product Site (just to be fair!)
via
Lego Creationary, Like Pictionary With Plastic Bricks [uberreview]

Thanks to Carsten, who's always on my team when we play Pictionary because he can draw photo-realistic pictures with the quickness. Me? Only penises.

Feb 24 2011 Wait, What?: There's A G-Spot In The Ear?!?!

Proving that I've been treasure hunting in the wrong place my entire life, Vietnamese fans of 'ear-picking' claim there's a g-spot in the ear capable of producing orgasm-like reactions. Wait -- what?! Also, WTF is ear-picking? I'm not gonna lie, that shit sounds nasty. *wiping booger under Starbucks table*

There is a spot near the ear drum that, when touched the right way, "tingles," said 26-year-old ear picker Nguyen Thi Le Hang. "For one person, it may just be a tickle. For another person, it's a mind-blowing experience."

In fact, the ear has a G-spot, said Dr. Todd Dray, an ear, nose and throat surgeon at Kaiser Permanente Medical Center-Santa Clara. "The skin in your ear is super thin -- it's paper thin," he said. "It's very sensitive. And there are a lot of nerves that converge in the ear."

The tools include a tiny razor to shave hairs, a miniature shovel-like device to scoop up wax, tweezer-like objects to scrape the inner ear and little cotton balls on sticks that are twirled inside the ear to tickle the skin.

Ear pickers ply their trade with a mix of intense concentration and flirtation -- one reason men often don't want girlfriends or wives to know about their ear experiences. Frisky ear pickers sometimes blow into customers' ears. There are stories of customers leaving wives for ear pickers and a life of in-home ear pleasure.

Admittedly, one time I did pop a boner while Q-tipping my ears after a shower, but I just assumed it was because I'd put a pair of my girlfriend's panties on. What?! Don't knock it till you try it! And don't try it until you're 100% positive she's actually left for work. COME BACK BABY, I'M NOT A FREAK I SWEAR!

Vietnamese clients wax poetic over ear picking [mercurynews]

Thanks to Lord Tarl, who's way more into nose-picking LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

Feb 24 2011 Episode III, Revenge Of The Seniors: Old Man Lightsaber Duel In France

"Luuuuuuuuke -- Uncle Owen is drunk and picking lightsaber fights again!"

This is a video of the lightsaber duel between two old Frenchies that ensues after one drunkenly drives his tractor over the other's prized tauntaun or something. Honestly, I have no idea WTF is going on, and I watched it like four times. What I do know is the screencap there takes place after Darth Foie Gras manages to knock Obi Won Tractordriver's lightsaber out of his hands and moves in for the finishing blow. It's actually a pretty epic battle. Definitely blows all the prequels out of the water, that's for f***ing sure! But, honestly, what doesn't? "Twilight". Touché -- my butt. Go on, give it a squeeze!

Hit the jump and watch two old Jedi's fighting over Metamucil.

Continue Reading " Episode III, Revenge Of The Seniors: Old Man Lightsaber Duel In France "

Feb 24 2011 Plantable Comic Books Actually Grow Flowers

'April Showers' and 'The Gardner' are two $9.50 comics that you can plant and grow into a garden provided you take care of them and your dog doesn't Golden Shower them when they're seedlings. They're not actual full-length comics though, just two pages. Still, clever idea. April Showers has pages infused with wildflower seeds and The Gardner with herbs. Unfortunately, herbs ≠ weed. Also, I would have just gone ahead and ignored all copyright laws and named them 'Poison Ivy' and 'Captain Planet'. You know why? Because I don't give a fuuuuuuuuu. Or money to pan-handlers. *shrieking* Stay away -- I SAID DON'T COME NEAR ME!

Product Site
via
A Plantable Comic Book That Can Grow Into Herbs and Flowers [comicsalliance]

Thanks to Iris, who -- IS THAT YOUR REAL NAME OR ARE YOU JUST BEING CLEVER?!

Feb 24 2011 Chinese Man Makes His Own Scrap-Megatron

A Chinese man who calls himself the 'Steel Legend' but whom I will only refer to now as Scrap-Metal Sally built this 5,000kg (11,000lb) Megatron tank from Transformers 2: Revenge of the Sith or whatever entirely out of junk and tetanus shots. Plus he had no schematics to work from except a couple pictures from the internet and the movie itself -- which was probably a shaky bootleg filmed in the theater! Good lookin', Sally! Granted I never actually saw Transformers 2 because the first one was enough for me to realize A) I would kill Autobots and Decepticons indiscriminately B) if another theater patron catches you peeing in your Coke cup and notifies the authorities an usher will try to kick you out and C) arguing there's no way you were gonna spill because the cup was so big won't get you off the hook. Oh yeah? Well I did spill so there! Also: the beans. That's right -- I popped a squat behind the curtain before the previews started! *calling health inspector*

Hit the jump for six more shots, including a reference shot for comparison.

Continue Reading " Chinese Man Makes His Own Scrap-Megatron "

Feb 23 2011 What, No Bathroom?: An AT-AT Cross-Section

Note: Full-size version HERE in case you actually want to read those little words instead of making up what they might be in your head. "Aaaah, of course -- a gyroscopic de-icing ion-cannon turret!"

Ever wonder what was in an AT-AT? I haven't. At least not since I was six and got the Kenner-made toy to put all my Star Wars action figures in. WHICH I STILL HAVE. *digging around in back of closet* Man, I feel like I'm about to open a time-capsule! You guys ready for this? *SMASHES TO SHIT WITH A CINDERBLOCK* Damn, nothing but a bunch of broken plastic. And -- wait a minute, what're these -- some sort of little bones. Oh no. OH GOD NO. *sobbing* HAMMY I THOUGHT YOU'D RAN AWAY!

The AT-AT Deconstructed [nerdapproved]

Thanks to timo99 (TELL ME YOU'RE NOT 12!) and Alan, who agree opening my AT-AT time capsule was even more memorable than Al Capone's safe. Thanks guys!

Feb 23 2011 AGAIN!: Polydactyl Cat's 'Thumbs Up' Trick

This is a video of Jimmy the polydactyl cat (aka 'six-fingered cat' aka 'thumbs cat' aka 'mitten cat' aka 'Hemingway cat' aka etc. etc.) showing off his cool thumbs-up party trick. Hey kitty, watch me shotgun a beer! *thumbs up* Oh -- here goes another! *thumbs up* GOD I COULD DO THIS ALL DAY -- with or without the cat!

Hit the jump for a demonstration of a thumbs up AND thumbs down. He's not biased!

Continue Reading " AGAIN!: Polydactyl Cat's 'Thumbs Up' Trick "

Feb 23 2011 Cancer Calls: Cell Phones Alter Brain Activity

ESP, here we don't come!

Seen here protecting herself from the cold AND nasty fart particulate but NOT dangerous cell phone waves, a woman uses her phone with the hopes of developing a tan. IT'S CELL PHONE RADIATION NOT UV YOU DUMMY!

Spending 50 minutes with a cellphone plastered to your ear is enough to change brain cell activity in the part of the brain closest to the antenna.

But whether that causes any harm is not clear, scientists at the National Institutes of Health said on Tuesday, adding that the study will likely not settle recurring concerns of a link between cellphones and brain cancer.

"What we showed is glucose metabolism (a sign of brain activity) increases in the brain in people who were exposed to a cellphone in the area closet to the antenna," said Dr. Nora Volkow of the NIH, whose study was published in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

"This study does not in any way indicate that. What the study does is to show the human brain is sensitive to electromagnetic radiation from cellphone exposures."

You know what else the brain is sensitive to? Getting punched in the head. So yeah, I'd try to keep that and cell phone exposure to a minimum if I were you. And not just because you need all the help you can get, but let's not kid ourselves, you need even more than that. If you rubbed a magic lamp tomorrow and a genie granted you three wishes I'd strongly advise making at least two of them 'help'. The third one should be something for me AND NOT AN STD.

Cell Phone Calls Alter Brain Activity, Scientists Say [foxnews]

Thanks to John and Shenanigans, who both strapped like 30 Blackberrys around their waists hoping to grow their wieners. Oh come on -- they're not pagers, guys!

Feb 23 2011 That's Cool, I Like Them Big!: New Dinosaur Discovered Named 'Thunder Thighs', Literally

Seen here kicking a raptor like the sexy little football that he is, a Brontomerus mcintoshi - (bronto, "thunder" and merós, "thigh") demonstrates the powerful leg muscles for which they were named. God, what I wouldn't give to have him take a fake swing at my balls just once.

The new species, described in the journal Acta Palaeontologica Polonica, is a sauropod - the family of dinosaurs famous for their long necks and tails.

It could have given other animals a hefty kick, say its discoverers.

"If predators came after it, it would have been able to boot them out of the way," said Dr Mike Taylor, from University College London, UK.

"What's interesting is that if it were a sauropod that could move particularly fast, you would expect to see very strong muscles on the back of the leg to pull it along. But we don't; this is the opposite. It seems most likely to us that what this is about is being able to deliver a strong kick," he told BBC News.

So, give it to me straight -- does a dinosaur with thunder thighs definitely have lightning loins? Because I'm not above risking electrocution to get my swerve on. Am I, car battery by the bed? "ZZZZZT!!". That means no. What can I say -- I roll krinky. Also, in neutral. What?! New batteries are f***ing expensive!

Dinosaur named 'thunder-thighs' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Tom, jdivo, Turdboat, David E., Jennaiii, peadar and John, who I hereby declare the official task-force for notifying me when a dino with typhoon titties is discovered. Don't let me down.

Feb 23 2011 Brap! Pop! Flush!: Comic Book Toilet Paper

Toilet paper: you wipe your ass with it (except this guy, who may use circuit boards). Sometimes you even use it to clean up spills. And sometimes you use it as a napkin and then don't understand when your stomach is upset later (SPOILER: YOU ATE DOODOO PARTICLES). Personally, I prefer unprinted TP because in 20 years scientists are gonna discover the dye they use to color it gives you butthole cancer, and I ain't getting another pig-butt transplant. I may be an organ donor, but if I find out somebody turned my ass into stadium hotdogs after I died I am gonna be PISSED. Probably from hell.

Product Site (coming soon for ~$6.50/roll)
via
Plop! Comic Roll Toilet Paper [walyou]

Thanks to Darren, who only uses bleached toilet paper because he's convinced it helps keep his o-ring sparkling.

Feb 23 2011 Poppin' Caps In Caps: Gold Tooth Stops Bullet

Awh snap son -- is that peridot? August birthdays FTW!

A New Orleans man was accidentally shot in the mouth (I suspect a pistol-whip gone wrong) by his brother after smoking his weed without asking (which, admittedly, is a pistol-whip worthy offense), but the bullet ricocheted off a gold tooth, leaving the man virtually unscathed. *trying to melt a roll of tin-foil in the microwave*

The victim was sitting in a car with his girlfriend in the 3300 block of Second Street, smoking marijuna that belonged to his 20-year-old brother...When Waltdell Davis came home, he got angry about the marijuana, and an argument ensued...In an attempt to defuse the argument, the victim went inside the house, but Waltdell Davis followed him in with a gun...

The two began to struggle, and the gun went off, hitting the victim in the mouth...He ran to a friend's house for help, and the paramedics who treated him told investigators that the small-caliber bullet apparently bounced off the victim's gold tooth, leaving only some gum damage from the impact and a cut to his upper lip from the ricochet...

Hoho -- bulletproof bling! Now, are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you answered, "have custom Kevlar vests made for all my teeth" you are! Just kidding, that's retarded. Molars don't wear vests! Do you, mola-- ARE THOSE CAPRIS?!

Bang-proof bling: Man's gold tooth deflects gunshot, police say [uptownmessenger]

Thanks to my buddy Dave, who once stopped a bullet with his mind. Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure we were wasted and that was a car backfiring.

Feb 23 2011 Packing On Pounds: Stuffed Hamburger Press

The Stuffed Hamburger Press molds two hamburger patties into concave 'bowls' so you can put a shit-ton more cheese and bacon inside before sealing them together and tripling your caloric intake. Unfortunately, it only costs $12 so I bought one and a backup. You think anybody's ever died when a burger exploded with cheese and pork fat? I dunno, but I'm gonna find out. High-five! *grabs hand and cuffs it to the grill* Did I say me? I meant you. *handing spatula* Spit on anything and I'll flame-broil your face off.

Product Site
via
Stuffed Hamburger Press Makes Fattier Burgers Faster [uberreview]

Thanks to Leftover, who's rare when we're talking about stuffed burgers amirite?! I am. Also fat.

Feb 23 2011 Do Want: A Little Personal Submarine-Boat

The EGO Compact Submarine isn't really a submarine because it can't actually dive, but it does have an underwater cockpit that allows the captain and a passenger to explore the mysteries beneath the ocean blue. Will you discover a new species? Will you discover Atlantis? Or will you discover you have diarrhea two hours off shore? There's no telling! (But probably the diarrhea thing)

The windows of the EGO are made of special acrylic materials, mostly used in aquariums to withstand water pressure and enable light transmission for better visibility. It features a top speed of 4 knots for 4 hours, and it runs for 6-10 hours on a single charge. Other equipment includes a monitoring LCD system, battery monitoring systems, VHF marine two way radio, digital depth gauge, foot pedal, compass and clock.

No word on pricing yet, but can you really put a dollar figure on being one of the first humans to spot a mermaid in the flesh? OMG -- I see one! WO NEMO, TOSS A LASSO TO ME NOW! That was a palindrome, it reads the same forwards as backwards. Also: Twilight. It blows both ways!

Hit the jump for a conceptual video.

Continue Reading " Do Want: A Little Personal Submarine-Boat "

Feb 22 2011 The Kissing Game: A Tonsil-Hockey Controller

God, GET A LANE!

Lane -- get it?! No? Obviously you're not a golfer. This is a couple demonstrating the Kiss Controller developed by Hye Yeon Nam that allows a player to provide sensor input by tongue-kissing (the sessiest kind!) the everliving hell out of somebody else. Fine, but if she tries stealing my gum I WILL start biting.

How does Kiss Controller work? It's done with magnets. One of the players provides sensor input with a small magnet stuck to the tongue, while the other wears a headset receiver that senses the direction and speed of that magnet. According to Hye, the object of the game is to "increase the speed of the ball by moving the tongue faster while kissing."

This obviously making its way into some sad virtual reality sex game aside, I'm not sure how I feel about making out with my roommate just to beat a level in Mario. Dude's handsome and all, but still. He doesn't shave often enough. That said, I want to see a game controlled by licking the floor. And by floor I mean carpet. And by carpet I do NOT mean vagina. I'm talking about pretending you're a human vacuum. Just sayin', there's a dead bug by the couch with your name on it!

Hit the jump for a short video of the tongue-kissin' game in action.

Continue Reading " The Kissing Game: A Tonsil-Hockey Controller "

Feb 22 2011 The Most Epic Zelda Painting Ever Created

Note: Click HERE for a larger version that's so awesome your retinas will melt and eyes explode. *POP!....POP!* There went mine!

This is the most amazing Zelda-themed painting I've ever seen in my entire life and I've seen a lot because sometimes I type 'zelda painting' into Google and look at everything that comes up because I'M F***ING SICK LIKE THAT AND HAVE ZERO INTEREST IN GETTING BETTER. It was created by Japanese artist and serious Zelda fan ag+ to celebrate the 25th anniversary of the franchise. Wow, talk about dedication. Because one time I spent upwards of three-minutes drawing a naked stick figure with comically giant knockers on a bar napkin before getting bored and setting it on fire. The bartender kicked me out after that but I didn't pay my tab SO I CONSIDERED IT A WIN. At least until I realized he still had my credit card.

Hit the jump for a ultra sped-up video of the piece being created, along with a link to an interactive version of the piece with all the characters identified.

Continue Reading " The Most Epic Zelda Painting Ever Created "

Feb 22 2011 Should've Done The Dew: Gamer Dies After 3-Day Binge At Internet Cafe w/o Food, Sleep

In sadder news, a 30-year old Chinese gaming addict has died after staying up for 3-days straight (presumably mining for gold) at an internet cafe with no sleep, and very little food or water. I could've gone four.

The man reportedly lost consciousness at an internet cafe on the outskirts of the Chinese capital, Beijing.

He was rushed to a clinic but could not be revived, the Beijing Times said.

The 30-year-old man, who was not identified, was said to have spent more than 10,000 yuan ($1,500; £928) on gaming in the month before his death.

China has more than 450 million internet users, and online games - which can involve multiple users role-playing in a virtual world - are particularly popular with young men.

You've gotta take care of yourselves, gamers! You know, take a break every couple hours, do the Dew, and pound some Cheetos. Shit, you could even pound some Pringles if you wanted but personally I think they taste like ass and no, I'm not taking that back. I popped and stopped, that's all there is to it. DAMMIT I SAID IT'S NOT OPEN FOR DEBATE!

Chinese online gamer dies after three-day session [bbcnews]

Thanks to David, who's convinced gaming for long periods can bring a player to a higher level of consciousness. It's called heaven bro, and this guy went there.

Feb 22 2011 Yeah, I Touched Your Grandma's Buttons!: The Family Tree Of Video Game Controllers

Note: Larger version HERE in case you want to print a copy yourself and save $30 by not buying a poster.

This is the family tree of video game controllers inspired by this family tree of video game controllers except way more professional looking. It's like if you and I both walked into the same job interview and you're wearing a suit and tie and I'm wearing whatever I wore to the bar last night plus a suction-cup dildo on my forehead. But you know what what? I'm still gonna get the job. You know why? Because I got skills. Well, HJ skills. Plus a disability. "Dammit GW, stupidity isn't a disability." Oh yeah? Then why's my life so hard? "You probably make it that way. Plus drink too much". *crying* WHAT ARE YOU, MY SHRINK NOW?

Product Site (with 24"x36" posters for $30)
via
Video Game Controller Evolutionary Tree Has a Missing Link to the Keyboard [technabob]

Thanks to Ferrous, who agrees not including a keyboard was a pretty serious faux pas. Also, running to get the morning paper with your pecker flailing. OH WHATEVER, IT'S CALLED EXHIBITIONISM.

Feb 22 2011 What Can I Say, The Man Loved Blowing Shit Up: A 320,000 Firecracker Memorial Service

I know it may look like a homemade Fruit by the Foot fort, but those are actually strings of firecrackers. 320,000 crackers to be precise. And this is a video of them being detonated as a memorial service to a deceased family member while neighbors drive by calling the police. "Hello, 911? THERE ARE TERRORISTS IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD! Also, a pedovan. Plus my neighbor lets dandelion seeds blow into my yard -- is that an arrestable offense? Say, you don't happen to have the showtimes for the local theater do you? Hello -- hello?! I PAY TAXES, DAMMIT!"

Hit the jump for 1:30 of how the black smoke from LOST was born. Real actions starts around 0:40.

Continue Reading " What Can I Say, The Man Loved Blowing Shit Up: A 320,000 Firecracker Memorial Service "

Feb 22 2011 NOT What Zordon Would Do: The Green Ranger Punched Some Dude's Teeth Out

For those of you that don't keep up with ex-Power Rangers, Tommy the Green Ranger (aka nobody's favorite, aka Jason David Frank) is a mixed-martial arts fighter now because, shit, you've gotta do something tough after rockin' wiener-huggin' spandex on a children's show for so long. Well apparently he suffered a bit of Green Ranger rage after a fight last night and got all punchy on some dude's teeth. Why didn't you just call Dragonzord?!

So last night at Legacy fights in Houston, Jason David Frank, the former green power ranger, and owner of 'jesus didnt tap' knocked out a legacy promotions employees teeth. Apparently the guy was collecting the gloves and thought frank was not going to give them back. i wasnt there at the time, but was told by a guy back stage that the guy told him "jesus didnt steal gloves' and Frank got p'ed off. Frank claims the guy touched him first, and it was self defence, from what I'm told the guy didnt hit him, Frank claimed he pushed him I was told. Basically the kid was skinny and probably 60+ lbs less, and told [f]rank he wasnt going to fight him. Frank then burned off out of the place,a nd the kid went off with missing teeth. kinda ironic he's managed by suckpunch entertainment.

Ha. This story is so full of sadness I don't even know where to begin. So I'll just cut through the crap and get to the question that's on everbody's mind: did you ever bang the Pink Ranger? No? How about Zordon? Wink if he has holographic balls.

Report: Power Ranger strikes event staffer after fight [mixedmartialarts]

Thanks to Cobee, who agrees Power Rangers Dino Thunder was a little too steamy to be considered a children's show. God, tell me about it! (I own them all on VHS)

Feb 22 2011 The Ol' Food Coloring And Dish Soap In A Bowl Full Of Milk Trick (Plus Bonus Krang!!)

I can't get enough of this dude's voice!

Take a bowlful of milk (SANS CEREAL), add a couple drops of every color of food coloring you have to the middle, then a drop or two of dish soap on top of those. BOOM: MILK MAGIC, SON! Plus if you're lucky you might even end up with a sweet Krang design! If you're unlucky your might end up with your mom slapping you out of your highchair for wasting milk. I WAS STILL GONNA DRINK IT, GOD! No word if it works with chocolate milk, but my guess is we'll find out as soon as I finish these Cocoa Pebbles!

Hit the jump for 2:00 of tripping at the breakfast table.

Continue Reading " The Ol' Food Coloring And Dish Soap In A Bowl Full Of Milk Trick (Plus Bonus Krang!!) "

Feb 22 2011 Two Vices In One!: Slot Machine Pays Booze

This is a slot machine that pays out booze instead of nickels, making it THE BEST SLOT MACHINE EVER CREATED. Seriously, if aliens come down to earth after we've annihilated ourselves with nuclear missiles, they'll find this thing in the rubble and go, "well, they did get one thing right", except it'll sound more like "zrbrrt brrpp zzzprt bttttttttzzzz" BECAUSE THEY'RE ALIENS AND DON'T SPEAK HUMAN. With lisps, yes.

The BarBot was built by a team from the hacker collective NYC Resistor as part of a hacking competition co-sponsored by the videocontent company VIMBY and the carmaker Scion.

The team programmed the machine to stop only on mixes you'd find in a bartender's manual; just for fun, it also pays out tokens, but it yields a drink or a re-spin for a drink every time. The computer receives the result and sends ingredients and proportions for the winning drink to a microcontroller, which directs the bar unit, where pressurized containers store alcohol and mixers...An LED screen displays what's just been served, along with witty lines inspired by Fear and Loathing. Our favorite: "As your attorney, I advise you to spin!"

Do want. I don't care if casinos serve free booze as long as you're throwing money into a machine, sometimes I'm too drunk to talk to a person and I'm not getting kicked out again so some blue-hair can swoop in and collect my would-be winnings. MOVE IT OR LOSE IT GRANDMA, DADDY NEEDS MONEY FOR A BUS-TICKET.

The Bar Is Open: A Slot Machine That Pays In Drinks [popsci]

Thanks to Jessie, who knows a blackjack dealer that'll let you have a sip out of his flask if you throw him a chip. Yeaaaaaah that's not the same.

Feb 21 2011 You Don't Want To Know: Period Panties

Period Panties are $12 colored skivvies for ladies to wear while they're on their monthly emotion-fest so they don't ruin a pair of frilly lace ones. Or something. Honestly, I don't know anything about women and only learned last week vaginas aren't oriented sideways like I always imagined. So yeah, I'm probably the wrong person to ask for stuff like this. For directions, sure, but I am going to send you into the worst part of town I can think of. Which, fun fact: is my neighborhood. Then I'll follow you on my bike and beat you up and steal your hubcaps. I'MMA SELL 'EM FOR CRACK!

Hit the jump for the two other designs and a link to the product site.

Continue Reading " You Don't Want To Know: Period Panties "

Feb 21 2011 Yay!: The Legend Of Zelda Turns 25 Today

That's right folks, today, February 21st, 2011 marks the 25th anniversary of everybody's favorite video game franchise. "Not mine, I hate those games." OH YEAH WELL I HATE YOUR FACE SO THERE. Such a f***ing Ganon.

Including the original game's release on the Famicom Disk System in 1986 (for which it was a launch title), a total of 14 unique and "proper" Zelda games (excluding re-releases) have been published by Nintendo for the Famicom/NES, Game Boy, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Game Boy Advance, GameCube, DS and Wii. A number of other Zelda games, some not made by Nintendo and others being spin-off titles, have also been released in that time, while the 15th game -- Skyward Sword -- is due later this year on the Wii.

With The Legend Of Zelda: The Ocarina Of Time widely regarded as the greatest game ever made, and with the series as popular and iconic today as it was back in 1986, it retains a very special place in the heart of many gamers

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you answered, "let's all head down to Lon Lon Ranch for some cake and milk" you are! I'm gonna drink straight from a cow's udder! "Uh, GW? That's a bull." Soooooooo...this isn't an udder is what you're saying.

Happy 25th Birthday, The Legend Of Zelda [kotaku]
and
Picture

Thanks to Chris G and Luke, who almost love the Zelda franchise as much as I do, except romantically. YA'LL NASTY!

Feb 21 2011 Creep Factor 11: Facebook Breakup Notifier

Breakup Notifier is a Facebook app that'll send you a notification whenever somebody you're interested in (read: creepily stalking) changes their relationship status. Because if there's one thing a girl appreciates, it's a guy who's created a 'want to bang' list on Facebook and sits around waiting for the girls to break up. Seriously, that shit makes chicks hotter than getting flowers. Unfortunately, the program can't distinguish between breaking up and getting together, so you can also expect an email when the girl of your dreams lady of your sad fantasies changes her relationship status to 'engaged'. You know, so you can leave a really creepy passive-aggressive comment on her wall.

hey gurl long time, no talk -- or ever actually, ROFL! just wanted to say congratz on the engagement and THAT GUY IS A DOUCHE. Just thought u should know. Plus he has really bad genes so don't have any babies LOL! I wanna drink your bathwater.

Official Site
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Geekologie on Facebook

Thanks to Brittania, who will forever be 'in a relationship'.

Feb 21 2011 Bathroom Reading: The Entire First Chapter Of Harry Potter Scrawled In A Toilet Stall

Somebody took the time to write the entire first chapter of 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone' on the wall of a bathroom stall. There's no way anybody could read that top part without standing up and shitting on the floor aside, who the hell does something like this? "Somebody handicapped". Astute observation! That is a handicapped stall, isn't it? What else can we tell about this person? "Probably has hemorrhoids". Why? "Sitting on the toilet for long periods can cause them." What the -- *standing up and flushing* ARE YOU BEING FOR REAL?!

Bathroom Graffiti of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Jules, who once used a bar bathroom that had a chapter from Twilight copied in the stall so she set a trashcan full of tampons and toilet paper on fire and burnt it to the ground.

Feb 21 2011 SPOILED!: Kid's Playable 'Angry Birds' Cake

SPOILED ROTTEN -- like an egg!

This is a video of a functional Angry Birds bizzle dizzle cizzle made by a father for his son's sixth birthday. Which, I'm not gonna lie -- I want that skull shirt.

It's become a family tradition that I make increasingly ridiculous birthday cakes for my kids each year. So with my little boy Ben turning 6-years-old over the weekend, and appreciating his love of Angry Birds, I thought I'd have a shot a making him a playable Angry Birds birthday cake with working catapult and iced birds as ammunition.

Certainly brings new meaning to the phrase "playing with your food" amirite? "Seriously GW -- please tell me you didn't just write that." I, uh, totally didn't just write that. BONY BONERS! That either. I'm also not downloading nakey pictures.

Hit the jump for the build and some bird-slingin' action.

Continue Reading " SPOILED!: Kid's Playable 'Angry Birds' Cake "

Feb 21 2011 Did You Hear That?: Robot Spy Hummingbird

This is a robotic hummingbird designed by DARPA to fly around and capture audio/video on reconnaissance missions (not to be confused with renaissance missions, which usually involve slaying dragons and saving a princess).

AOL News reports it's just a research project for now, but the battery-powered drone has a front-facing camera and can fly for up to eight minutes at a time.

It has taken five years to build and cost $4 million, per the Los Angeles Times, but the new model of the Nano Hummingbird drone really looks like a bird flying around. It would allow the military to literally drop a bird at a window ledger for reconnaissance purposes.

"You can use these things anywhere, put them anyplace, and the target will never even know they're being watched," said defense expert Peter W. Singer.

"...and the target will never even know they're being watched". Sure, PROVIDED THEY DON'T SEE THE FAKE ROBOTIC BIRD PERCHED ON THEIR WINDOW SILL. It's just like trying to hide in the women's locker room -- you're invisible until somebody realizes the water fountain is masturbating.

Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the lil' hummer in action.

Continue Reading " Did You Hear That?: Robot Spy Hummingbird "

Feb 21 2011 What Could Go Wrong?: Mind-Controlled Cars

I didn't know you could drive in heaven!

Driving by mind. It's a scary thought(!!!1) because most people are just texting anyways and I'm not sure how a car's gonna interpret that kind of input. You (texting): 'BOOTY CALL!' Car: drive on sidewalk.

Freie Universität Berlin professor Raul Rojas and his AI research team have developed a system called the BrainDriver that uses an electroencephalography head cap to interface with the primary functions of an automobile. Users must first undergo a bit of training, after which they are unleashed to travel the streets using only brain power.

Gee, what could possibly go wrong? SPOILER: "Ugh, I can't stand other drivers. How do you morons even have licenses?! God, I WISH YOU'D ALL JUST GO CRASH INTO -- oh shi-shi."

Hit the jump for an explanation of the technology and a demo of it in action.

Continue Reading " What Could Go Wrong?: Mind-Controlled Cars "

Feb 21 2011 Congratulations, It's A...Website?: Egyptian Man Names Firstborn Daughter 'Facebook'

Hurt: Tom's feelings are.

To celebrate the recent revolution and honor the social networking site for the role it played, a young Egyptian man has named his firstborn daughter 'Facebook'. Well, actually he named her 'Facebook' Jamal Ibrahim, which is Facebook FOLLOWED BY HIS NAME. That poor girl.

According to Al-Ahram (one of the most popular newspapers in Egypt) a twenty-something Egyptian man has named his first born daughter "Facebook" in tribute to the role the social media service played in organizing the protests in Tahrir Square and beyond.

While the baby girl could just have easily been called "YouTube," "Twitter" "Google" or even "Cellphone Camera," it seems like Facebook has become the umbrella symbol for how social media can spread the message of freedom.

Speaking of freedom -- what ever happened to freedom fries? Because those things were legit. Like they were cooked in peanut oil or something. Mix a little ketchup and mustard for dipping -- mmmmmmm! Also, that baby is wearing earrings.

To Celebrate The #Jan25 Revolution, Egyptian Names His Firstborn "Facebook" [techcrunch]

Thanks to Evil Ares, who was *this close* to naming a daughter 'Ask Jeeves'.

Feb 20 2011 Jessica Rabbit As Gold Bikini Princess Leia

TINY FEET ARE TOO TINY.

Note: Full-res version HERE because you're a pervert.

This is a picture by artist Dimitris Samaras of Jessica Rabbit performing her lounge act while cosplaying as Princess Leia circa The Skirmish on Carkoon in 4 ABY (I'm not a dork you're a dork). As you can see, her feet are so small she can't even stand anymore and her titties look like two ripe cantaloupes. Me being more of a honeydew man aside, I'm not sure she could digest a corndog without it getting lodged above her waistline. Cheeseburgers: you should really drink some.

Dimitris' DeviantART Page
via
Gulp... Slave Leia Jessica Rabbit Sings for Jabba the Hut [obviouswinner]

Thanks to Charlie, who actually went to see her lounge act but got kicked out by security for bringing an air horn.

Feb 19 2011 Better Not Be A Transformer: Dodge Charger, The Official Car Of The Human Resistance

This is a short commercial for the new 2011 Dodge Charger, which advertises the vehicle as the leader of the human resistance against robots. They really should have run that by me first aside, I'll allow it. And not just because I'm hoping to score a free one for posting this, but I did park my car at the bar, take a cab home, and forget which bar it was at. That was almost five months ago. I f***ing hate walking.

Hit the jump for the anti-robot advertisement.

Continue Reading " Better Not Be A Transformer: Dodge Charger, The Official Car Of The Human Resistance "

Feb 18 2011 Iffy Geek Anthem 'Tonight I'm Frakkin' You'

Hey Juggernaut -- smell my finger. That's Jabba's @$$hole!

Because geeky-ass songs are all the rage these days, here's 'Tonight I'm Frakkin' You', a parody of Enrique Englesias' 'Tonight (I'm F***ing You)', which I've never heard and have no intentions of starting now. Also: a diet. EATING RIGHT IS FOR PEOPLE WHO CARE AND I GAVE UP LONG AGO. The video features cameos from The Big Bang Theory's Kunal Nayaar and Battlestar Galactica'sRitchard Hatch and BG: Caprica's Alesandra Toresanni. Plus others. It's chock-full of geeky references and the video isn't really that bad but some of the sounds gave me a headache and made my dog start barking at the computer and she doesn't bark for anything but treats and robberies. Which -- OMG THERE'S A MASKED PERSON IN MY HOUSE. Batman!

Hit the jump and get your geek swerve on BUT NO FRAKKIN'.

Continue Reading " Iffy Geek Anthem 'Tonight I'm Frakkin' You' "

Feb 18 2011 Rubik's Brain Cube: Now That's What I Call A Mind Game (Shoot Me Now, Don't Hesitate)

Note: Larger shot HERE in case your little sister's trying to argue it looks more like intestines than brains. SHUT UP LAURA BEFORE I TELL THAT BOY YOU LIKE YOU HAVE SCABIES.

Geekologie's resident anatomy expert Jason Freeny (is it true women pee out of their butts?!) is at it again, this time with a Rubik's Cube covered in brain. Well, not real brain, just plastic brain. Which, I'm not gonna lie, is way more than I have going on up in the ol' nog. Read: THERE'S NO LIGHT ON IN MY ATTIC. The basement, yes (I swallowed a flashlight trying to peek at my tonsils in the mirror).

Moist Production (Jason's Website)

Thanks to the man himself, who promised me a model of an anatomically correct dino shlong. The bigger the better, Jason, I've got a whole lotta love butt to give.

Feb 18 2011 BOOM, RED SHELLED! More Mario Kart IRL

This is Freddie Wong's take on Mario Kart in real life. It's different from Remi Gallard's versions because, instead of relying on being a jackass, Freddie relies on computer effects. Me? I rely on side effects. 'Don't Mix With Alcohol' my ass -- it's the only way daddy gets drunk anymore! "GW, those are prenatal vitamins." Haha, I have been pissing a lot of iron lately. Also, pumpin' it. Roid rage -- ROID RAGE! *dry-humps a Bowflex into a pile of dust*

Hit the jump for the short but worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " BOOM, RED SHELLED! More Mario Kart IRL "

Feb 18 2011 PEW-Proof?: Scientists Develop 'Anti-Laser' Capable Of Canceling Out Laser Blasts

Scientists at Yale University have developed a device capable of absorbing all the energy of an incoming laser, effectively saving your ass from an otherwise deadly robot laser blast. *ordering pew-proof pajamas* Give me a break, they're all I wear! Kidding, kidding -- just glasses and a scowl.

Their device focuses two lasers beams of a specific frequency into a specially designed optical cavity made from silicon, which traps the incoming beams of light and forces them to bounce around until all their energy is dissipated.

But this is not intended as a defence against high-power laser weapons, the researchers said.

Instead they think it could be used in next-generation supercomputers which will be built with components that use light rather than electrons.

Whoa whoa whoa -- computers that use light instead of electrons?! We won't even be able to call them electronics anymore! We'll have to call them, uh...laseronics or something. Or, if that light happens to be coming out of the male-end of a CPU port: laser-dildonics. What? OH DON'T ACT LIKE YOU KNOW HOW COMPUTERS WORK.

Scientists build the world's first anti-laser [bbcnews]

Thanks to MannaFromKevin, David, mike and Keenra, who agree the only anti-lasers they need ARE THEIR FISTS. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

Feb 18 2011 COOOOL!: Samurai Shadow Sword-Fighting

Note: I know that screencap looks pretty booboo but I promise the video is actually cool. Hit the jump to watch it.

This is a video of a samurai fighting some sort of shadow spirit made out of CG crows or some shit. I'm not really sure, but eventually it takes the form of the samurai's shadow and he has to cut that f***er's head off. It's basically just a choreographed dance to a video being projected, but definitely still cool to see. Also, in your neighbors' window when they're changing. DAMN THAT'S ONE HAIRY ASS! Oh, wait a minute -- now there's two hairy asses. Aaaaaand they're touching. Okay, so they might not be brothers after all.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " COOOOL!: Samurai Shadow Sword-Fighting "

Feb 18 2011 I Think I Saw Boo Radley!: Amazing 60K-Piece 'Abandoned Victorian House' Out Of LEGO

Note: Click HERE for a higher-res shot that does the house more justice.

This is a sickly amazing LEGO build by Mike Doyle of an abandoned Victorian house that's been crushed by a tree. And speaking of getting crushed by trees: people who have sex with Ents. TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMBER!

• 5' x 3' x 2'
• 50k - 60k pieces
• Black, white, dark and bluish gray, clear trans and black trans colors used.
• No foreign materials (wood, glue, paint or otherwise) were used - this is pure Lego.
• Second in my series of Abandoned Houses

WOW. I posted a couple closeups after the jump, but you really need to hit Mike's website for the higher-res versions as well as shots of the first house in his 'abandoned' series (also worthwhile). He has a ton of info and in-progress shots of his builds as well. What he doesn't have is a bunch of pop-ups and porn banners, which is a shame because I would've clicked them.

Hit the jump for the closeups and another link to Mike's site.

Continue Reading " I Think I Saw Boo Radley!: Amazing 60K-Piece 'Abandoned Victorian House' Out Of LEGO "

Feb 18 2011 IRL Minecraft Movie -- With Zombie Theme!

This is a short fan-made Minecraft movie entitled 'The Last Mindcart' (not to be confused with 'The Last of the Mohicans'). It follows the story of two miners trying to navigate a zombie apocalypse (not to be confused with two ranchers trying to navigate a homosexual relationship). Well go on -- give it a watch. Or just a friendship bracelet, I don't care. Or judge. But I DO play bailiff in the bedroom sometimes. *cuffing myself to the radiator* Help help the keys are in my butt.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " IRL Minecraft Movie -- With Zombie Theme! "

Feb 18 2011 Gotta Chug 'Em All!: Pokémon Beer Pong Table (With Bonus Box Of Taco Shells!!!!11)

Did somebody say beer pong and taco night?

This is a travel beer pong table decorated with a bunch of epoxied Pokémon cards by Tom Sejkora's. DAMMIT TOM, GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT -- DID YOU HAVE ME OVER TO PLAY BEER PONG OR POKEMON? Twister?! You know I'm down.

My inspiration? Beer and pokemon obviously. My friends had a table covered in bottlecaps that made out the Irish flag. I thought it was cool, and wanted to try my own design. Originally I collected bottlecaps, but soon realized how much time it would take to collect them all, as well as the cost of coating them and the difficulty of doing so properly. Plus the bottlecap table has been done to death. I was considering fortunes from chinese takeout, and all other sorts of other things, until I realized I had a gajillion pokemon cards that I hadn't used in years (even though I did play with my friends during class in high school).

On a side note, I don't even like playing beer pong, and I'm absolutely atrocious at it...

"Don't even like playing beer pong?!" THEN WHY BOTHER MAKING THE TABLE? That's like me building a robot. You know, I really hate these things, and it's probably gonna kill me in my sleep, but what the hell. YOU'RE F***ING SICK, BRO.

Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures that really make me question Tom's sense of composition.

Continue Reading " Gotta Chug 'Em All!: Pokémon Beer Pong Table (With Bonus Box Of Taco Shells!!!!11) "

Feb 17 2011 The Clap-Off Bra -- Clasp On, But Clap Off

Note: 5-second video after the jump probably NSFW on account of a bra being clapped off and exposing a pair of pastied titties I had to watch three times to make sure weren't mine.

The clap-off bra: not as cool as an ogle-and-drool-off bra, but this isn't exactly the future we're living in either. There's a link to the rather complicated-looking Instructable showing you how to make your own step-by-step after the jump, or you could, I dunno, LEARN HOW TO UNHOOK A DAMN BRA. Alternatively, only date ladies who don't wear them. What are they called again? Oh right -- dudes.

Five seconds of "dammit why didn't these exist when I was in college?" after the jump.

Continue Reading " The Clap-Off Bra -- Clasp On, But Clap Off "

Feb 17 2011 Detroiters Raise $$$ To Erect Robocop Statue

After suggesting the city erect a Robocop statue, Detroit mayor Dave Bing quickly shot the idea down, Tweeting (TWEETING?!) ""There are not any plans to erect a statue to Robocop. Thank you for your suggestion." What the -- and you guys elected this dongle?! But thanks to a grassroots Kickstarter campaign, Detroiters were able to raise the $50,000 necessary for a statue in less than a week with almost 2,000 financial supporters. Now how long before the new statue vandalized is anybody's guess, but I'd put my money on "as soon as I can afford a bus-ticket to Detroit". *spraypainting Joker face over Robocop's helmet* NOT SO TOUGH NOW, ARE YOU ROBO-POPO?! *beep boop* Uhhhhh, what the f*** was that?

Detroit Just Might Get That RoboCop Statue [clickondetroit]
and
Official Kickstarter Page

Thanks to Fally, Kevin, Grant, Brian, Timothy, Shirik, The Emortal and Randy, who always take pictures of their friends touching statues' crotches. OH REAL MATURE, GUYS.

Feb 17 2011 IBM's 'Watson' Wins Jeopardy Tournament, Ken Jennings Concedes Like Lil' Nancyboy

Well folks, the IBM Jeopardy Challenge is over and humanity lost. After an intense three-day battle pitting human knowledge vs. an IBM supercomputer, Brian Rutter and Ken Jennings got smoked, and Ken posted this shameful message under his answer question during Final Jeopardy.

In a victory for science, Watson, the IBM-developed artificial intelligence, has indeed won. The final scores were $77,147 for Watson, $24,000 for Ken Jennings, and $21,600 for Brad Rutter.

All three contestants answered the Final Jeopardy question correctly, but by then Ken Jennings admitted what we've all been thinking: it's time to welcome our new artificial intelligence overlords.

WTF, Ken?! Listen -- YOU can hand out all the robot HJ's you want, BUT I AIN'T DOWN. I wouldn't even kick a robot in the dong for fear it might pop a hard-drive. Then what? If you answered, "a brief, awkward silence before roundhouse-punching its head through a wall", then yes, that is what would happen. As a matter of fact -- and I don't know if you readers knew this about me, but I actually wear a piece of the first robot I ever destroyed around my neck like a trophy. See? "Is that...its wiener?" What! No it's not its wiener, I think it's like a finger or something. "Are you sure? Because it has 'T-1000 Penis Module' stamped right on the side." Haha, is that what that says?

Hit the jump for the entire last episode of the three-day tournament if you're interested.

Continue Reading " IBM's 'Watson' Wins Jeopardy Tournament, Ken Jennings Concedes Like Lil' Nancyboy "

Feb 17 2011 Amateur Experimentation: Girl Attaches Video Cam To Ass To Study If Men Stare At Asses

This is a video of some annoying-ass girl who decides to wedge a little video camera between her buttcheeks and wander around LA (I can recognize The Grove!) to study if men stare at her ass. Which, UNSURPRISING SPOILER: they do. Womens too. Unfortunately, this chick obviously never passed Experimenting 101 in college because the camera was plainly visible, effectively negating any conclusions you could draw from the study. Is everyone staring at your ass because you have a nice ass or -- OR -- are they staring BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE SHITTING A F***ING WEBCAM?! The prosecution rests -- ON HIS WAY DREAMIER TUSH!

Hit the jump for the video and not be surprised. Use a camera on a studded belt or something next time -- geez, this isn't rocket surgery.

Continue Reading " Amateur Experimentation: Girl Attaches Video Cam To Ass To Study If Men Stare At Asses "

Feb 17 2011 Only A Matter Of Time: A Minecraft Proposal

Because no video game is complete until somebody proposes in it, a Minecraft proposal was made last week by A BioWare game developer to his BioWare game developer girlfriend. I'm not sure if the virtual ring was the only one presented, but that's pretty smart (and thrifty!) if it was. Plus you could save a fortune on the wedding by having it in-game. That way I can crash the reception and set everyone's in-laws on fire. BEST DAY OF YO LIFE!

Hit the jump for a short video of the proposal going down.

Continue Reading " Only A Matter Of Time: A Minecraft Proposal "

Feb 17 2011 Classy Kitchen!: Cigarette Fridge Magnets

Cigarette magnets: can you think of a better way to let a child know just how crappy their art is? "Um, yeah -- just tell them till they start crying." Damn you're sick. "Or you could throw it in the trash right in front of them." ENOUGH ALREADY, YOU WIN OKAY? Anyway, Cigarette Magnets ($15 for 3) from Amron Experimental make it look like you put out a cigarette on whatever the hell you're sticking to the fridge. Clever, but it's gonna take at least a half-dozen cigar magnets to get a cat to stick.

Hit the jump for two more examples of the possibilities.

Continue Reading " Classy Kitchen!: Cigarette Fridge Magnets "

Feb 17 2011 Kind Of Questionable: PS3 'Kids' Commercial

This is a fan-made commercial by 29-year-old Ben McCambridge (who spent $6K of his own money to create it) for the PS3 called 'Kids'. It shows young children cast in the following roles to demonstrate all the fantasy-fun to be had playing video games:

1. Middle school bully beater-upper
2. Astronaut
3. Football All-star
4. Hobbit
5. Soldiers at war
5. Promiscuously dressed teen trying to sneak out of the house to meet her boyfriend while her mom and step-dad argue in the kitchen

Admittedly, the commercial was very well made, I'm just not sure about the message it's sending. WHEN YOU'RE SIX-YEARS OLD YOU DON'T NEED HYPER-REALISTIC VIDEO GAMES TO HAVE A GOOD TIME. Wanna be an astronaut? Sit in a laundry basket with tinfoil wrapped around your head. Want to play Lord of the Rings? Get a couple friends together and hit each other with sticks in the woods. You've gotta use your imaginations while you've still got 'em! LIFE DOESN'T GET ANY EASIER. Soon you're gonna be older and actually NEED video games to escape from reality. Plus booze. Can't forget about the booze. *glug glug* Oh yeah, f***in' loving life over here.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile commercial.

Continue Reading " Kind Of Questionable: PS3 'Kids' Commercial "

Feb 17 2011 Goodbye Durability!: Cardboard Flashdrives

Flashkus USB drives from Art Levedev Studios: they're made out of cardboard. Why the hell you'd make a flashdrive out of cardboard is beyond me, but maybe Mother Nature was really pushing for them as part of her anti-plastic campaign. GET OVER IT LADY -- MILK JUGS WILL NEVER DIE! Or decompose in a landfill. One thing's for sure though -- a cardboard flashdrive definitely isn't gonna survive a trip through the washing machine. And, unfortunately, same goes for a pocketful of Chuck E. Cheese tickets. GAAAAAAAH -- AND I WAS ONLY TEN SHORT OF A CHINESE FINGER TRAP!

Hit the jump for several more shots in case you're struggling with the idea of pressed wood.

Continue Reading " Goodbye Durability!: Cardboard Flashdrives "

Feb 16 2011 'Dead Island' Trailer Forward AND Backward

Seen the teaser trailer for 'Dead Island', the upcoming (allegedly later this year) zombie-survival game that takes place on a tropical resort island in Papua New Guinea (link related)? Then hit the jump, watch it, and be amazed. Then watch the second video, which was lovingly recut to play backwards and at normal speed (you'll see why after watching the first one) by the guys over at Harcos Labs, who JUST SO HAPPEN to make Zombie Jerky and Blood Energy Potion. HA -- I'm on to you, Harcos Labs! Or, should I say, DHARMA INITIATIVE?! Dum-dum-dum!

Hit the jump and watch the videos, they're good.

Continue Reading " 'Dead Island' Trailer Forward AND Backward "

Feb 16 2011 Typing With Tootsies: Keyboard Flip Flops

Kito Keyboard flip flops are exactly what they sound like. Unless you thought they sounded like actual keyboards you wear on your feet, in which case, okay, maybe I was wrong. Just kidding, I'm never wrong. Sometimes I do moonlight as a Dr. Wong though, but that's only to sneak into the hospital and steal meds. So yeah, keyboard flip flops. Sure the print will wear off within the first week, but at least the shape of the keys will still be there. That's something, right? No, it's not. Not something worth spending money on anyways. But you know what is worth spending money on? Apparently a bunch of shit on eBay when I'm wasted right before bed. Just sayin', you know how many of those porcelain Precious Moments figurines I've had show up at my door? Every. Single. One.

Hit the jump for a commercial not in English.

Continue Reading " Typing With Tootsies: Keyboard Flip Flops "

Feb 16 2011 Eye Candy: 3-D Video-Mapped Living Room Is Like Having A Million Living Rooms In One

But that rug really tied the room together!

Using 3-D video-mapping technology, the guys at Mr. Beam were able to transform a plain white living room filled with plain white furniture into whatever kind of fancily decorated living room they desired by projecting different patterns onto the various elements. Coooooool. Now make the couch look like a pile of skulls!

We created an unique physical 3D video mapping experience by turning a white living room into a spacious 360° projection area.

This technique allowed us to take control of all colors, patterns and textures of the furniture, wallpapers and carpet. All done with 2 projectors.

Granted it's not very practical for an actual living room unless you live entirely in the kitchen and only admire the space from the tent you built out of a bedsheet and barstools, because once you step foot in there you gonna be casting all kinda shadows. And, just like that, your cool-lookin' living room turns into less of a place to relax, and more of a place to be blinded by a projector and stub your toes on the f***ing coffee table. You think I won't saw that leg off?! CONSIDER YOUR ASS TRIPODED!

Hit the jump for the very worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " Eye Candy: 3-D Video-Mapped Living Room Is Like Having A Million Living Rooms In One "

Feb 16 2011 Yes I'm A Doctor!: Stethoscope Headphones

Scalpel!

I honestly can't believe these weren't invented earlier but they probably were and I just never heard about them because nobody keeps me in the loop. CARING MEANS SHARING DAMMIT! "Well, if you must know, I think I'm developing a rash on my--" UGH, ENOUGH ABOUT YOU -- THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME. Anyway, stethoscope headphones (or "stetheadphones") by Antrepo Design Industry. They're currently just conceptual, but the firm's hoping a manufacturer will actually want to produce them. Own a sweatshop in southeast Asia? Give 'em a ring! I dunno about you, but I want a pair. And not just to pretend I'm a doctor and squeeze up on some titties while listening to my latest jammy-jam, but...I'm lying. That's exactly why.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the heart-pounding beat-listeners.

Continue Reading " Yes I'm A Doctor!: Stethoscope Headphones "

Feb 16 2011 Sorcery!: A Real-Life M.C. Escher Waterfall

Water goes up and comes back down -- can't explain that.

This is a video of a guy who built a functional version of M.C. Escher's iconic eye-bending waterfall. Don't ask me how it works, but I suspect it has something to do with a carefully designed optical illusion (like this one). That or black magic. I'm leaning towards black magic. Also, against the wall. HIYO -- drinkin' before eleven!

Hit the jump and be amazed. AMAZSHED I SHAY!!!!!!!!11 And spray.

Continue Reading " Sorcery!: A Real-Life M.C. Escher Waterfall "

Feb 16 2011 Unskilled Labor: Robot Cleans A Whiteboard

HO IS RIGHT, ROBO-SKANK!

This is a video of a HOAP-2 humanoid robot learning how to wipe a whiteboard (God, learn how to do your ass first!). Granted it does a pretty crappy(!) job, but the point is that it learned how to do it, it wasn't just programmed. Next up: wiping the planet free of humanity. Whoa whoa whoa -- NOT ON MY WATCH, DEATH-BOTS! Please? I'm trying to start a cult and could really use the street-cred.

Hit the jump for a video of such an intense excitement level it can only be described as 'watching paint dry, plus a slow-moving robot'.

Continue Reading " Unskilled Labor: Robot Cleans A Whiteboard "

Feb 16 2011 There Can Be Only One: Facebook Vs. Twitter

Note: Obviously that isn't the whole graphic, you need to click RIGHT HERE NOW QUICK DO IT to see the whole thing.

Facebook vs. Twitter: there can be only one. Just kidding, there can be more than one. Unless we're talking about bugs in my breakfast cereal, in which case, yes, only one, and not a fly @$$hole more. This is an informational graphic comparing the users of Facebook and Twitter. I didn't bother studying it too hard because that's not what's important. What's important is Geekologie is on both (Facebook HERE and Twitter HERE). How bout that?! Now you can tell me to go die two more ways than just in the Geekologie comments! Which, if you include sending tips, makes FOUR avenues of angry contact. You could drive a tanker truck full of hate down that shit the wrong way! *making the universal hand gesture for 'blow your horn'* HOOOOOOOOOOOONK!! Hoho -- takes me back to the short bus every time.

Image of the Day: who is using Facebook and Twitter? [dvice]

Geekologie on Faceybooks
and
Geekologie on Tweeter

Feb 16 2011 Webcam House Turns You Into Giant Voyeur

This paper webcam attachment designed by Ryuji Nakamura makes it look like you're some sort of perverted giant peering through the window of whoever you're cyber-sexin'. "RAWR, I COULD CRUSH YOUR WHOLE HOUSE WITH MY PENIS!" Which -- anybody ever realized they Skyped the wrong person after already yanking their pants off? That shit is awwwkward. I mean, I've heard. Also, that you should probably just hang up instead of trying to play it off.

"Holy shit I thought you were my doctor!
...
...
...You, uh, know anything about wieners?"

A closeup of the house after the jump in case you have a Papercraft fetish.

Continue Reading " Webcam House Turns You Into Giant Voyeur "

Feb 15 2011 Zelda Reimagined As 80's High School Movie

This is a video from the same makers as the 'If God of War was a Wes Anderson Movie' and 'Inglourious Plummers' flicks. It's the story of Link and Zelda as told as an 80's coming of age film (The Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Say Anything, etc.). Admittedly, it was pretty well made and they even roughed up the footage to give it that "holy shit the VCR is eating my tape" feel. WHICH YOU YOUNGER WHIPPER-SNAPPLES CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE. Also, car windows that aren't electric. You know how long it took me to perfect a roll-up that would look electric to hot chicks watching from the outside? Forever. Literally, I never got it. I think they all thought I was masturbating.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video. Tingle's in it, just sayin'!

Continue Reading " Zelda Reimagined As 80's High School Movie "

Feb 15 2011 Luke, I Am Your Beer Wench: The Definitive Star Wars Animated Gif

This is an animated gif of Leia handing a beer up to Luke after a long flight in his X-wing. I say after because I don't care how much Force you can harness, your ass is gonna crash into an asteroid if you drink too many before getting behind the wheel stick. Isn't that right, Admiral Ackbar? "IT'S A TRAP!" Dammit, no, not everything has to be a trap, man. Now -- how do I find out my bank account info, this Nigerian prince really needs my help. "IT'S A --" Not another word you fish-faced f***!!

Is This the Best Star Wars GIF Ever? [unrealitymag]

Thanks to Micropht, not as big as a regular pht, but it comes in handy when you're trying to fly under the radar.

Feb 15 2011 Coca-Cola's Secret Ingredients Discovered?

According to a story by NPR's This American Life, the 125-year old top-secret Coca-Cola Classic recipe was accidentally leaked in the photo accompanying a 1979 Atlanta newspaper article about the soda giant, but nobody noticed it until now. You're going down, Coke! Well, as soon as this last batch of bathtub gin finishes fermenting. THEN IT IS ON. Same goes for you, Fanta! You think I won't make some bomb-ass tastin' grape soda? I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT!

And while companies like Pepsi have deduced the general ingredients on their own, none have unlocked the "Merchandise 7X flavoring" that gives Coke its unique taste and bubbly burn. "The company has always said, and as far as I know it's true, that at any given time only two people know how to mix the 7X flavoring ingredient," Mark Pendergrast, historian and author of For God, Country and Coke told This American Life. "Those two people never travel on the same plane in case it crashes; it's this carefully passed-on secret ritual and the formula is kept in a bank vault."

The recipe:

Fluid extract of Coca: 3 drams USP
Citric acid: 3 oz
Caffeine: 1 oz
Sugar: 30 (unclear quantity)
Water: 2.5 gal
Lime juice: 2 pints, 1 quart
Vanilla: 1 oz
Caramel: 1.5 oz or more for color

The secret 7X flavor (use 2 oz of flavor to 5 gals syrup):
Alcohol: 8 oz
Orange oil: 20 drops
Lemon oil: 30 drops
Nutmeg oil: 10 drops
Coriander: 5 drops
Neroli: 10 drops
Cinnamon: 10 drops

Alcohol, huh? No wonder I like it so much. Of course, I'd like it even more if half the can was bourbon. Which, at least the way I drink them, actually are. You think I can't pour Maker's Mark into a Coke can? Oh I can pour Maker's into a Coke can. It's called a steady hand funnel. Remember: where there's a will (and drinlkling problem), there's a way. Plus a long history of drunk in publics. OCCIFER NOOOO!

Is This the Real Thing? Coca-Cola's Secret Formula 'Discovered' [time]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who used to have the secret family recipe to Bush's Baked Beans but lost it in a drinking contest. Well technically I stole it during a drinking contest, the point is it's mine now. MY HEART NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD.

Feb 15 2011 Dead Asleep: The Anatomical Sleeping Bag

It's a body bag!

This is a sleeping bag that looks like an anatomical diagram of the human organs. You know, or a person who had their skin removed by a cannibal. Which, fun fact, look the exact same. Just don't use it when you're camping or you better believe somebody's gonna call the cops and report a dead body. Then they'll come and poke you with sticks until you wake up and have to explain why you're sleeping naked with a bunch of honeycombs stuck to your wiener. I F***ING KNEW YOU WERE INTO BEARS!! aside, this is an actual product (~$75) you can buy from Japan. Also: anything related to really disturbing fetishes. An animatronic fish that sings the Voltron theme whenever you put your penis in its mouth? They've got those. Don't they, Big Mouth Billy Bass? "♫ Don't worry -- be happy ♫". Oh yeah, that's the stuff. What?! I IMPROVISED!

Hit the jump for another shot, as well as King Tut and "Sleeping with the Fishes" designs.

Continue Reading " Dead Asleep: The Anatomical Sleeping Bag "

Feb 15 2011 Super Harmony: eHarmony For Superheroes

This is a fake-ass commercial for Super Harmony, an eHarmony knock-off for people who are or want to date superheroes/villains (NOT ugly people). I tried applying, but they were all, "dammit GW, you're more of a demigod than a superhero." And I was all, "I LIKE DUDES IN TIGHTS!" The video isn't particularly knee-slapping, but it did have a couple moments. What it didn't have was Emma Frost, Rogue or Supergirl in the dating pool, making it far less a pool you'd actually want to get in, and more of a lukewarm hot-tub filled with superdudes daring each other to take their bottoms off. *dives in off patio lounger*

Hit the jump for 2:30 of superdatin'.

Continue Reading " Super Harmony: eHarmony For Superheroes "

Feb 15 2011 Real Life Retro: Betty Boop As Actual Person

Like, for real day -- it's not Photoshopped, it's all modeling. Which -- I'm not gonna lie, those hands are really freaking me out. Reminds me of when I was a kid and used to take the arms off my G.I. Joe's and swap them. We all did, amirite? Also, replace Sergeant Slaughter's torso with Scarlett's. HEY SERGEANT -- NICE BEWBS! Haha, what do you mean, "drop and give you 20?" Push-ups or sit-ups? Cause I'll do at least 30 sit-ups if you bend over and hold my feet. Just a heads up though -- a boner: I'm gonna pop one. Possibly two.

Picture [fozzybear]
via
Betty Boop in the real world [superpunch]

Thanks to Dingo, who -- drop the 'g' and you've got yourself a date!

Feb 15 2011 Cat That Looks Like Harry Potter's Lord Voldemort Has Trouble Getting Adopted

Charlie is a 14-year old kitty that had to have the tip of his nose and ears removed due to skin cancer. He's fine now except the animal shelter he's at fears he'll never get adopted because he looks like Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter series. Really? I'm surprised some crazy cat lady hasn't adopted him because he looks like Voldemort and would complete her live Harry Potter pet collection. You're sick and you need to get better, lady!

Workers at the Blue Cross animal charity say visitors have been scared off by the white cat's resemblance to Ralph Fiennes' character in the blockbuster movies.

And the similarities don't end there as Charlie must now live in solitude since he fell out with other animals at the sanctuary.

Now he sits alone, staring out of his castle cage, waiting to be freed.

'He looks you in the eye when you talk to him, loves fuss, lots of tickles and cuddles and wants to be near you.

*sobbing* GOD I'LL TAKE HIM, OKAY?! You see, I don't know anything about the Harry Potter series because I and most REAL WIZARDS don't appreciate that no-blood puggle or whatever Miss Rowlings spouting off about things she obviously knows nothing about. ONLY WITCHES KNOW MAGIC! *readying the fire* So, what's it gonna be: Liar? Or witch? Choose carefully but we still burn both.

UPDATE: Charlie has been adopted by a woman who does not give a shit about Harry Potter.

Hit the jump for several more shots, including one of Lord Voldemort for comparison. The nose, similarity ends at the nose.

Continue Reading " Cat That Looks Like Harry Potter's Lord Voldemort Has Trouble Getting Adopted "

Feb 15 2011 Street Fighter Ultra Combos: Now With Ladies

Remember the Street Fighter IV ultra combos video from a couple weeks ago? Pretty awesome, right? Yeah, TOO BAD IT WAS A TOTAL SAUSAGE LUNCHEON. So to make up for all the man-meat, the creators decided to shoot another video featuring ladies bringing the pain to a bunch of goofuses. How these dudes even got in the Street Fighting league is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with having a rich uncle alumni. Which, fun fact, is the only way half our youth is going to get into college after filling out their entrance essays in text-talk. Just watch, in twenty years there won't even be any new scientists. Strippers and cheap laborers, yes. "I'm cool with that." Oh I know you are, buddy. "In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king." HA! You do realize you just admitted you're still a one-off, right?

Hit the jump for the femme fatales in action.

Continue Reading " Street Fighter Ultra Combos: Now With Ladies "

Feb 14 2011 Is The Largest Planet In Our Solar System Hiding In A Comet Cloud (Spoiler: I Dunno)

Two nutjob astrophysicists are claiming a planet 4x the size of Jupiter (the current largest planet in the solar system) might be hiding in the Oort Cloud, a massive (1-light year in circumference) cloud of comets and fart particulate outside Pluto's orbit.

Its orbit would be thousands of times further from the Sun than the Earth's - which could explain why it has so far remained undiscovered.

Data which could prove the existence of Tyche, a gas giant in the outer Oort Cloud, is set to be released later this year - although some believe proof has already been garnered by Nasa with its [s]pace telescope, Wise, and is waiting to be pored over.

Prof Daniel Whitmire from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette believes the data may prove Tyche's existence within two years.

He told the Independent: 'If it does, [fellow astrophysicist Prof John Matese] and I will be doing cartwheels. And that's not easy at our age.'He added he believes it will mainly be made of hydrogen and helium, with an atmosphere like Jupiter's, with spots and rings and clouds, adding: 'You'd also expect it to have moons. All the outer planets have them.'

First of all, I'm sure there are a bunch more planets in our solar system, AND PROBABLY MORE THAN A COUPLE ALIEN WIENERS. Secondly, I'm tired of all these giant gas-balls getting planetary status. A planet should require solid ground, dammit! AT LEAST YOU CAN STAND ON PLUTO, F***! How you gonna get Scotty to beam you down to a "planet" like Jupiter? SPOILER: You're not, I'm here to inform you you've failed the Starfleet Academy Entrance Exam. Sorry!

Largest planet in the solar system could be about to be discovered - and it's up to four times the size of Jupiter [dailymail]

Thanks to Mike, who doesn't believe in planets until we've planted a flag on them AND NOT THROUGH THE USE OF HOLLYWOOD TRICKERY. *ahem* THE MOON.

Feb 14 2011 Impressive Fan-Made Star Wars Documentary

These are parts 1 through 14 (10-minutes each for almost 2-hours 20-minutes of runtime) of a fan-made Star Wars documentary featuring all sorts of interesting facts, audio commentary from the cast and crew, alternative angles of scenes, etc. etc. It's called 'Star Wars Begins', and is NOT to be confused with 'Batman Begins', which is a movie about a superpowerless superhero, or "THE ROBO APOCALYPSE BEGINS!", which is what I'll be yelling as I board my spaceship and doom all humanity for not heeding my prophecies. *flipping an entire earth-encompassing bird* LATER, BOJOS!

Hit the jump for over 2-hours of Star Wars-ing that really is worth a watch if you have an interest and the time.

Continue Reading " Impressive Fan-Made Star Wars Documentary "

Feb 14 2011 Brrrrrrr, It's Colder Than Skeletor's Nips In Here!: Castle Graygloo Built In New York

This is a Castle Grayskull igloo built in Brooklyn, NY by artist Kilroy III and some of his friends. As you can see, it's pretty f***ing awesome. Well, provided you can get past how it looks like it was designed to fit 400 of Frosty's wieners in its mouth. Other than that though, totally sweet.

Hit the jump for several more shots of Castle Graygloo and its glowing mouth in the dark.

Continue Reading " Brrrrrrr, It's Colder Than Skeletor's Nips In Here!: Castle Graygloo Built In New York "

Feb 14 2011 Kratos As Protagonist In Other Video Games

This is a little gallery of video game box-art reimagined with God of War's Kratos as the protagonist. They're all part of a user-submitted Photoshop contest from some Hungarian video game blog and surprisingly well conceived. Not unlike my son. JK JK -- total accident.

Hit the jump for a bunch more of my favorites, and a link to the original contest with a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " Kratos As Protagonist In Other Video Games "

Feb 14 2011 Ruskie Shooting Water-Filled Milk Jugs Point-Blank With Guns Of Varying Calibers

Note: Video possibly NSFW depending on how your employer feels about a couple f-bombs. Audio is naturally low though so I say go for it.

This is a video of some crazy Ruskie (whose accent alone makes the video worth a watch) demonstrating the effects different caliber bullets have on water-filled milk jugs. He does a 9mm, 38-special, .357, .45 and 12-gauge shotgun (just for the hell of it). After watching, I've decided I definitely don't want to get hit with anything bigger than a 38. Shoot me all day with a 9mm, that's fine, but I'm not taking a .357 even in the buttcheeks. Shit, or a flu-shot for that matter. Now you can call me old fashioned, but I'd like to leave this world with as many holes in my ass as I came in with: two-and-a-half (one doesn't actually go anywhere).

Hit the jump for more fun than a vodka bottle.

Continue Reading " Ruskie Shooting Water-Filled Milk Jugs Point-Blank With Guns Of Varying Calibers "

Feb 14 2011 First Monopoly, Now This: Battleship Gets Stupid Electronic 'Eye Of Sauron' Upgrade

You sunk my expectations.

Hasbro, in an attempt to modernize some of their most popular board games, has deciding adding stupid electronic towers is the answer. Which, fun fact: it isn't. I'm not gonna lie Hasbro, your R&D department be strugglin'. MORE RESEARCH, LESS DUMBSHIT!

After "re-inventing" Monopoly with a 10-inch electronic tower, Hasbro is giving the classic game of Battleship a similar makeover -- infrared tower and all.

Just like Monopoly Live, the $50 Battleship Live uses an infrared light that cloaks the board to "see" what is going on. Players still use coordinates to sink their opponent's ships, but with a few new features. There are now spy planes that can fly around a track and "snoop" on your opponent's ships and to confirm your attack, you cover both of the "confirm" squares on the side of the board momentarily.

SPY PLANES!! What. the. f***. I don't remember any spy planes! What I do remember is moving my ships around so my opponent couldn't find them. Call me a cheater, electronic tower, I dare you! Remember how the Eye of Sauron fell at the end of Lord of the Rings? Well your ass is going in the garbage disposal with a fistful of forks. TING-A-LING, TATTLETALE, TING-A-LING!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the back-of-the-closet-space-taker-upper.

Continue Reading " First Monopoly, Now This: Battleship Gets Stupid Electronic 'Eye Of Sauron' Upgrade "

Feb 14 2011 Disposable Coffee Cup Grows Its Own Sleeve

Why it actually needs to grow a sleeve instead of just having one pre-installed is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with NOVELTY. Which, fun fact: rich people will pay for. Also, their pets back if you kidnap them. Anyway, the Heatswell Coffee Cup from Amron Experimental (designers of the Split-Ring-Key, Leather Band-Aids and the Brush & Rinse).

Features:
- No sleeves to slide on or fall down
- Stacks thin like a coffee cup
- Insulates fat like a coffee collar
- Hot Beverage activates insulating band
- 3D logos pop when hot drinks are poured
- Design textures with 0-1 inch swells
- Knitted-on cloth towel feel
- Saves time by removing a routine step
- Save on shipping sleeves separately
- Non-toxic and FDA approved
- Recyclable and Biodegradable
- Insulates with less material
- Will not swell at shipping temperatures
- Costs less

Okay, so maybe there are some advantages. As you can see from the pictures, the sleeve starts off looking pretty normal, then, when a hot beverage (or urine) is added, starts growing AND DOESN'T STOP until it looks like a wrinkled ol' pair of granny panties. Which -- you ever tried that blue dye they use in adult diaper commercials? I went blind in one eye for over 12-hours. LUHJIT!

Hit the jump for a video demonstration of the grower not a show-er and a link to the official site where they'll send you a free sample to amaze your friends.

Continue Reading " Disposable Coffee Cup Grows Its Own Sleeve "

Feb 14 2011 Glow In The Dark Flowers For Valentine's Day

Looks like vaginas to me.

Happy Valentine's Day, I hope you're all having a good great one. And, if it's any consolation to you singles, I love you. Granted not like that, but still. Consider this your card. For those of you who do have a special someone but forgot to get them something until today, there's glow-in-the-dark flowers. Except they don't really glow in the dark, just under blacklight. All you have to do is pour some highlighter fluid in water, cut the stems, and let 'em soak that shit up. BOOM -- space flowers! Unfortunately, I chucked all my blacklights after the highlighter-filled liquor bottles I kept in college were systematically executed in my backyard with a BB gun. But maybe you still have one. If so, make some glow-flowers for your lady and tell her you picked them on the moon. She'll be so impressed you went to space for her! Then, get her under the covers. Women love playing fort on Valentine's!

Hit the jump for a video tutorial in case you're really struggling with the idea of pouring highlighter fluid i some water and sticking a flower in it.

Continue Reading " Glow In The Dark Flowers For Valentine's Day "

Feb 11 2011 Banana Peels & Green Shells: Mario Kart IRL

This is the follow up to Remi Gaillard's first real-life Mario Kart video from 2008. Wow, has it really been that long? It seems like only yesterday I was stuffing my pockets with airplane bottles for a trip to the doctor (it was yesterday is the thing). Damn yeah I like to bring my own anesthesia! Just kidding, it's because Blue Cross took away my health insurance. You pee blood out your navel one time...

Hit the jump for the banana and turtle tossing in action.

Continue Reading " Banana Peels & Green Shells: Mario Kart IRL "

Feb 11 2011 Not Kosher: Bacon-Flavored Toothpaste

All my teeth have already rotted out because I pass out drunk on the floor somewhere between the kitchen and living room every night without brushing, but that's just part of what makes me so dreamy. Plus I save like $6 a year on floss! But for those of you who still have molars and enjoy that porky-fresh taste in your mouth, I got a hotdog for ya there's $4.50 bacon toothpaste.

...when it's time to brush your teeth, leave the bacon strips for breakfast and try this Bacon Toothpaste. It's the perfect way to keep your teeth and gums healthy while coating your mouth with the delicious flavor of smoky meat! Each tube contains 2.5 oz of potent paste.

God that sounds disgusting. I'd rather just gargle with Hogwash. Get it?!?! Me neither, my cat just told me to say it. Dammit Smokey you're making me look stupid!

Product Site
via
Bacon Toothpaste [uncrate]

Thanks to Matt, another Matt, STEPHEN H. and mckinzzz, who agree they need to sell pig-bristle brushes to compliment they paste. Okay now you're just getting nasty.

Feb 11 2011 Batman x Star Wars Characters = This?

Luke, I am your father. Just kidding, he and your mother were shot in a robbery!

Ever wonder what a Batman/Ewok lovechild would look like? F*** you're a freak. Seriously, it might not hurt to peep Amazon for some self-help books on that shit. You krinkier than a tauntaun stomach full of lightsaber dildos aside, this is a sketch by Lucas Lago depicting your wildest fantasies. Note: slightly larger version HERE in case you want to print it out and tape it inside a copy of National Geographic for some "bathroom reading". Grab an extra roll of TP and go to town, champ!

Lucas' Website
via
Batman X Star Wars [laughingsquid]

Thanks to cocoa, who promised to draw me some GW/dino lovechildren for Valentine's. GIRL YOU SO GOOD TO ME.

Feb 11 2011 DU-DU-DU-DUMB: Digital Monopoly Game

Monopoly: we've all cheated at it. Whether it's stealing a couple extra $100's from the bank, insisting you're allowed to put four hotels on a property, or accepting sexual favors for rent, we've all been there. Hopefully not on family game night. Enter the new, digital Monopoly. It's virtually uncheatable. Also: unfun.

The new $50 Monopoly Live is the same as the old game, except that it has a prominent 10-inch tower sitting in the middle of the board. This plastic tower rolls non-existent fake dice with fake dice sounds, manages rent calculations, announces player turns and even remembers how much money you have -- all done electronically.

According to the NYT, the tower "bathes the board in infrared light and a camera can see reflectors placed on each game piece" allowing dice rolls to be initiated by just covering your game piece. What the heck?

Leif Askeland, one of Monopoly Live's designers says that "the tower never makes a mistake" and that disputes are non-existent.

Cool, an all-digital Monopoly. That sounds...way less fun than a video game.

Hasbro reinvents Monopoly with an all-knowing plastic tower [dvice]

Thanks to Mark, who once swallowed a handful of opponent's houses and flipped the game board after a stint in the clink. I think jail made him crazy.

Feb 11 2011 Dressed To Kill: The Contra Cardigan Sweater

This is a homemade Contra sweater. Huh? YES I'M SURE IT'S NOT DUCK HUNT, IT SAYS 'CONTRA' REAL BIG IN THE MIDDLE, DUMMY! Which, don't tell her, but I'm gonna make one for my lady. I'mma up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start the hell outta those woolly nips!

Contra Sweater [dorkly]

Thanks to Dave and the shrew, who both tried knitting Super Mario sweaters but had to stop after repeatedly stabbing themselves with their knitting needles. WHERE WAS YOUR CHAIN MAIL?!

Feb 11 2011 Rated E: Wii Game Teaches Kid Bad Word

Seen here looking like he might have smeared a little doodie in the middle of his own forehead, Oliver Smith poses with the Wii game that taught him the word 'shitheads'. Hey -- everybody's gotta learn it sometime.

The Wii game Countdown, based on a UK game show of the same name, is rated for players age three and up by the European game ratings board. And yet when three-year-old Oliver Smith was playing the game with his mom, something very un-kid-friendly popped up on the screen.

One round in the game presents players with a series of jumbled letters, and asks them to figure out the word that's been jumbled up. In this case, the letters were SHAHSITED.

Oliver's mom Victoria picks up the story from there. "I couldn't believe my eyes as the word was slowly unveiled as an obscene insult," she said in a local news interview.

Eh. It's not like Coke didn't call this guy a f***er and Scrabble teach our children what a dildo is. It's all part of responsible parenting to be able to lie to your kids about stuff like this and avoid awkward conversations.

Kid: Daddy, what's teabag mean? Today at school somebody said they were gonna teabag me.
Father: What in the -- WAS IT THAT CREEPY GYM TEACHER?!
Kid: No.
Father: It means take you to Starbucks. Tea's for adults, go play in the garage.

Wii game Countdown exposes three-year-old to 'shitheads' [gamesradar]

Thanks to rosta, who learned all the bad words from a urinal divider in a men's restroom.

Feb 11 2011 French 'Rent-A-Girlfriend' Website A Success

Apparently a new rent-a-girlfriend (not to be confused with rent-a-gamerfriend) website in France is causing a stir, with some claiming it's a glorified escort service, and others claiming it's the best thing that's ever happened to them.

Spoil yourself, rent a girlfriend! This is the line French site Loueunepetiteamie.com uses to convince male visitors to legally rent a female friend, for an hour, an evening, a night or for a weekend.

Tired of being alone? Are you looking for a female companion who can spoil you and make you feel relaxed? Have you tried a bunch of dating sites that left you disappointed? Don't worry, help is just a few clicks away - Loue Une Petite Amie, which translates as "rent a little girlfriend" actually allows guys to rent female companions, legally! The French website assures its clients they have nothing to fear from the law, because this isn't actually prostitution, but a simple case of renting a person...which apparently isn't illegal in France.

Loue Une Petite Amie -- "rent a little girlfriend", that's cute. But if you sign up and they send you anybody taller than a stepping stool I'd be piiiiiiiiiiissed. YOU SAID LITTLE, I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING A SMURF. 3 CRAB-APPLES HIGH DAMMIT!

Controversial Rent-a-Girlfriend Website Proves Big Hit in France [odditycentral]

Feb 11 2011 WOULD CATCH, SNUGGLE: PokéKitty

Would totally catch 'em all. (Does that make me a hoarder?)

This is actually a friend of a friend's cat that was amazingly born with the color and markings of Pikachu. KIDDING YO THAT SHIT IS SHOPPED TO FUUUUUUUUUU. It is a friend of a friend's cat though. I might steal it.

Picture

Thanks to Wehrwolf, who used to have a dog that looked like Squirtle. UGLY DOG WAS UGLY. And to the Candy Queen, who can produce all-red Skittles with a single wave of her scepter. OMG your majesty -- pleaaaaaase hit me in the mouth!

Feb 10 2011 Sounds Simple!: Painting By Numbers Pouring

NICE JEANS, LADY! My mom circa 1984 wants to know where you got 'em!

Holton Rowler (not to be confused with Thurston Howell III) creates paintings by pouring store-brand coffee cups full of paint on top of boxes to create trippy, drippy designs. I'd argue the process is even more beautiful than the final result, not unlike lovemakin'. Just kidding, nobody likes hearing a grown man cry for six-straight minutes. Or do they? They don't. But even a man clad in a bedsheet wiping his tears away with the last scrap of toilet paper still glued to the tube is beautiful compared to raising a kid for 18-years. 18-YEARS! That's older than I am emotionally. Huh? Oh good one -- AND mentally. *coyly eats booger*

Hit the jump to get your trip on (also available in full-HD).

Continue Reading " Sounds Simple!: Painting By Numbers Pouring "

Feb 10 2011 Photos Overlayed To Produce The 'Average' Face Of A Woman From Various Countries

Note: Don't take that picture at face value, click HERE to see the entire thing with a whole bunch more lady-mugs.

The Face Research Website (not to be confused with my Fist Resear-- POW!) allows users to overlay photos of faces to get an "average" of what a number of combined faces looks like. This particular shot is the result of combining the faces of women from a certain country and slapping them all together. As you can see, they're all surprisingly attractive. Not sure if they started with only pretty ladies or what, but I'd be hesitant to see what a U.S. one looks like. And not just because I'm afraid of getting turned on, but do you even know the sessy kind of things you can do with a double chin? Store food for one. Pelican ladies, PELICAN LADIES!

Face Research Website (to try yourself and even upload your own photos)
via
Average Faces of Women of the World [photoxels]

Thanks to Captain Cranky, who apparently always wakes up on the wrong side of the boat.

Feb 10 2011 Guitar Hero, DJ Hero Franchises Killed Off

Guitar Hero, the franchise that taught us all pushing colored buttons in time to music could make you feel like a badass, has been canceled. *looks at real guitar resting in corner* DON'T "I TOLD YOU SO" ME! You think I won't smash you? I'll smash you.

"Due to continued declines in the music genre, the company will disband Activision Publishing's Guitar Hero business unit and discontinue development on its Guitar Hero game for 2011," the company said in its fourth quarter earnings report.

The move also covers "DJ Hero" games, and Activision said it will also stop development on "True Crime: Hong Kong."

"These decisions are based on the desire to focus on the greatest opportunities that the company currently has to create the world's best interactive entertainment experiences," Activision said.

Activision had better luck last year with its "Call of Duty" and "World of Warcraft" franchises.

Speaking of franchises, anybody in the market for a spokesperson? Because I'm available. I can't guarantee people will buy your products, but I will guarantee I'll show up wasted to all promotional events and leave early. Probably in the back of a paddy wagon. Think of the publicity!

Activision Ditching 'Guitar Hero' Franchise [pcmag]

Thanks to venort, Alisha and Ms. Forwhatit'sworth, who don't care because they play real instruments. Yeah, me too! (does the skin-flute count?)

Feb 10 2011 Low-Budget Live-Action Pokemon Intro

This is a live-action remake of the Pokemon intro (NOT Ninja Turtles) frame-by-frame created by a couple kids with a budget I'd describe as "nonexistent" and video-making skills as "negative". Still, I know what you're thinking, "Who cares? I just wanna see if Misty's hot!" Aaaaaaaand that makes you a pervert.

Hit the jump and catch 'em all (if "all" is flak from your boss for watching cartoon remakes on Youtube when you're supposed to be working).

Continue Reading " Low-Budget Live-Action Pokemon Intro "

Feb 10 2011 Scientists Develop Actual Thinking Cap

SMART KITTY IS SMART. Also, probably gonna run away.

Tired of bein' all stupid? Ditto. My brain's sloopy as a mofro. But now a group of Australian scientists claim to have developed a thinking cap that allows users to utilize more of the right half of their brain and think more creatively. Yeah, plus it works by electric shock. Smell that? Burning pubes. Haha, what do you mean 'wrong brain'?

After being exposed to low-level electrical pulses for 10 to 15 minutes, subjects were easily able to acquire new modes of thinking and were able to apply them for up to an hour.

The subjects were also three times as likely to solve complex problems while wearing the cap.

"Without the stimulation, only 20 per cent of people could do it," Mr Chi told news.com.au.

"With the stimulation, 60 per cent of people could solve the problem."

Despite such results, Prof Snyder said the "thinking cap" wasn't designed to make people smarter.

"Its advantage isn't in acquiring more knowledge quickly," he said.

"Its advantage is in seeing the world anew. Taking ideas from different places and developing them into a new synthesis.

"It's more of a 'creativity cap'."

So, what's the ruling on running my head under a faucet before putting the cap on? Is that gonna like, make me super smart? "Jesus, GW, with ideas like that I'm not even sure you need a thinking cap!" You flatter me. No, no you don't. You call me an unfunny a-hole and complain I don't write on weekends. NOW TURN IT UP TO 11 AND SLAP SOME ALLIGATOR CLIPS ON MY NIPS FOR GOOD MEASURE.

Hit the jump for an actual shot of the thing in cause you're curious. But, WARNING: scientist is creepy.

Continue Reading " Scientists Develop Actual Thinking Cap "

Feb 10 2011 How Long It Takes To Guess Your Password

This is a lil chart showing the time it takes a hacker's computer to guess your password by random execution. Basically, if you have a six-letter password in all lower case by the time you read Geekologie and go back to watching Youtube videos I'll already be in your email sending everybody a message that you're pregnant with an alien's baby in the butt. Damn, I just wish I could be there when your parents open it. "I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU ALL THAT STAR TRAX WAS MAKING HIM A PERVERT!"

The Problem with Passwords [neatorama]

Thanks to Martin, who suggested I change my password from 'dinolover' to something a little harder to guess. HA -- like that was even my password. *changes password to 'DinoLova69'*

Feb 10 2011 Medieval Heavy Metal LEGO Stop Motion Vid

This is a stop motion video featuring a LEGO lumberjack (who looks suspiciously like Gimli) that gets struck by lightning and is granted the power of heavy metal. Which, I'm going to be honest -- I didn't even know was a power. Being able to see through women's shirts, sure, heavy metal, not so much. Still, it's worth a watch even if you have to turn down the volume to prevent yourself from pentagram-ing the conference room table with the marinara from your meatball sub. Just sayin', they will bring that shit up at your next performance review.

Hit the jump for the headbanging, mosh-pit punching, testicle stomping medieval madness in action.

Continue Reading " Medieval Heavy Metal LEGO Stop Motion Vid "

Feb 10 2011 Guy's Star Wars Valentine From Girlfriend

STOLEN IDEA WAS STOLEN.

Note: Giant version HERE in case you really need a giant version for some reason (weirdo).

Now I know what you're thinking, "Damn, why can't I have a girlfriend like that?" And the answer, my friend, is the whole package. You don't have it. You don't even have a package that looks like the USPS deliberately smashed has packing peanuts falling out a hole in the bottom. You hear me? YOU'RE A FLAT-RATE ENVELOPE AND ALL THE LADIES KNOW IT!

I decided to surprise my boyfriend with his Valentine's present early

Thanks to CRIME, who you should never take to dinner BECAUSE HE DOESN'T PAY. *Zing!*

Feb 10 2011 ROBOTS GET THEIR OWN INTERNETS

It's here, it's Skynet, we're all dead.

UPDATE: I posted this last week, but since the BBC article came out I've gotten the tip again like a hundred times, so I'm moving it to the top. WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T READ EVERYDAY?!

That's right folks, scientists have developed a network that autonomous robots can use to send and obtain directions on how to perform various tasks (i.e. punch through your face). *moves doomsday clock forward to 11:59 and 30-seconds*

RoboEarth is an attempt at creating a sort of Google Earth/Internet for robots, a place where standardized navigation and object information can be uploaded, stored, and then downloaded by a bot that needs it.

Scientists and researchers from the Technical University of Eindhoven, Philips & the universities of Stuttgart, München, Zaragoza & Zurich have just made a huge breakthrough with RoboEarth. They have managed to get the TechUnited AMIGO robot (pictured above) to download all the information it needs for a specific task and then carry out this task. The task seems simple, the robot had to pick up and serve a bottle of water to a person. The AMIGO was successful in doing this autonomously.

Worried yet? "Nah, I can take 'em." Daaaaaaw, that's cute -- but no, you couldn't. You can't even take a piss without hosing your own feet, let alone fight a robot apocalypse. But thankfully for you, there's me. Fear not, ladies and gentleman, you have my personal guarantee that when the robotic shit hits the fan, I'll be the first person to take up arms, then sneak out the back and blast off into outerspace to colonize another planet with the finest-ass space-honey. Later jerks!

Hit the jump for a video demo (set to blaring techno, seriously -- whose brilliant f***ing idea was that?!) of the system that'll kill us all.

Continue Reading " ROBOTS GET THEIR OWN INTERNETS "

Feb 9 2011 A Chinese Starcraft/Warcraft Amusement Park?

Yes. Well, I think so at least. And every player will be required to make a Hoveround pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime. But whatever you do, don't forget to lather on the sunscreen, Casper. Can't have those neck-rolls gettin' crispy.

It's called Joyland World, and it's a theme park based on Starcraft and World of Warcraft...

...There are sub-parks that are built around World of Warcraft and Starcraft themes complete with coasters and other attractions, and there will also be a video game museum and electronic gaming sports arena. Pictures from last month show that most of the coasters have been put together, but the rest of the park still needs a fair amount of work.

In traditional Chinese fashion, the park obtained absolutely zero licensing rights from Blizzard (suck it, Snowstorm!), but are using the Warcraft and Starcraft names anyways. Which, I'm not gonna lie, is exactly what I would've done. You know or renamed them Storcraft and Worcraft LIKE AN ETHICAL BUSINESSPERSON. Just kidding, ethics are dead. The spider I just beat with a rolled up crossword puzzle, not so much. He is limping though. "FINISH HIM, GW!" I want to but I'm scared!

Hit the jump for a whole bunch of conceptual artwork and a link to the official site with a bunch more pictures and info provided you can read Chinese.

Continue Reading " A Chinese Starcraft/Warcraft Amusement Park? "

Feb 9 2011 TETRIS ME, SUCKER! :Tetris Board Game

Tetris Link is a board game (if you can call it that) coming out later this year that combines everybody's two favorite things: the name Tetris, and the game Connect Four. The object is to get three of your pieces touching (think a really blocky ménage à trois), which will score you 8 points. You get one additional point every time you can add another piece that touches, but lose points anytime you drop a piece and leave a hole (-1 point per square of hole). It's your opponent's job to try to score points while blocking you. Unless your opponent is me, in which case it's their job to let you win and prevent you from eating the pieces because your parents think you're retarded.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots, including a visual explanation of the rules.

Continue Reading " TETRIS ME, SUCKER! :Tetris Board Game "

Feb 9 2011 Monkey Waiters: Now With More Creepy Mask

Remember the time we went to that Japanese restaurant with a monkey waiter? Ha, how could you forget -- he wouldn't stop throwing turds at us the entire dinner service! I Yelped about it. Well now the restaurant's proprietors have added a creepy female mask, wig and schoolgirl outfit to the poor lil' bastard because -- if there's one thing that makes a monkey feel good, it's people running and screaming from it constantly. Plus now if there's a hair in your food there be LITERALLY NO TELLING where the hell came from. Is it a human hair? Wig hair? Monkey hair? Monkey pube? I dunno, but your ass is gonna be praying it's just a sushi chef's eyelash!

Hit the jump and try NOT to be creeped out by a live baby doll walking around a restaurant.

Continue Reading " Monkey Waiters: Now With More Creepy Mask "

Feb 9 2011 Antarctic Lake Untouched For 15-Million Years About To Get Touched By Man For First Time

I NEVER TOUCHED THAT LAKE!

That's right folks, Antarctica's Lake Vostok, buried under two miles of ice and untouched by outside forces for over 15-million years (you old maid!) is about to get drilled for the first time. Scientists be poppin' all kinda boners about it too!:

"We are terribly interested in what they find,"..."This is a lake that we don't think has been exposed for 15 million years. Therefore, if there is life there, we're going to have so many questions. How has it evolved over those years, how has it survived, what does it look like?"

"Ice isn't like rock, it's capable of movement," Dr. Priscu told FoxNews.com. "So in order to keep the hole from squeezing shut, they put a fluid in the drill called kerosene. Kerosene also grows bacteria, and there's about 65 tons of kerosene in that hole. It would be a disaster if that kerosene contaminated this pristine lake."

But the scientists came up with a clever way to make sure this debacle would not occur. They agreed to drill until a sensor warned them of free water. At that point they will take out the right amount of kerosene and adjust the pressure so that none of the liquids fall into the lake, but rather lake water would rise through the hole.

*Sits back and waits for the report that we accidentally dumped 65-tons of kerosene into an untouched ecosystem* What?! You know it's gonna happen! *Sits back and waits for the report that the spilled kerosene was ignited by a careless scientist's cigarette and that Antarctica is melting and flooding earth* Look at me -- f***in' Nostradamus over here! Haha, bet you can't predict when I'm gonna fini-- "NOW!" Dude's good.

Race to Reach Antarctica's Giant Buried Lake Vostok Almost Over [foxnews]
and
Lake Vostok drilling in Antarctic 'running out of time' [bbc]
and
Picture

Thanks to ERIk and Pesche, who could have drilled the lake in under a week with their penises starting from the North Pole. WOW.

Feb 9 2011 Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan In 60-Seconds With Papercraft And Computer Graphics

Ice Cube? WTF are you doing there?!

This is The Wrath of Khan (RIP Ricardo!) performed in 60-seconds through the use of papercraft and special effects. It's pretty accurate though because I remember watching in horror as a child when they put those ear-worms (Ceti eels) in Captain Terrell and Commander Chekov's ears and not being able to sleep for a week without earmuffs taped to my head. I'm not gonna lie, that shit freaked me out. Also, the guy in the locker room last night who was waaaaaaaay too lax about talking to me with his dong out. Listen bro -- I really do want to hear the rest of your story, but that thing's just a little too hard for me to feel comfortable right now.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan In 60-Seconds With Papercraft And Computer Graphics "

Feb 9 2011 We Didn't Have That When I Was A Kid!: WoW In-Game Support Helps With Homework Now?

This is allegedly an actual screenshot from a kid who sent the World of Warcraft in-game customer support a calculus problem he needed to finish before he could get his game on (but you were already playing!), and the response he received. Now I failed the everliving shit out of Calculus so I don't know if the answer is right or not, but I do know at least dude here has a scapegoat if he has to write his answer on the chalkboard in front of the whole class.

Teacher: What do you mean 'this is all World of Warcraft Customer Support's fault'? Are you insinuating you didn't work the problem yourself?
Student: Oh she-she. PENIS OUR TEACHER DREW A PENIS ON MY LAST TEST!
Teacher: Excuse me?! That was a 100.
Student: IT WAS A SLOPPY COCK AND BALLS AND YOU KNOW IT!

WoW Customer Support Does Your Math Homework [escapistmagazine]

Thanks to WillC, who once contacted The Sims customer service to differentiate between "your" and "you're" but they left the chat room. PROBABLY TO GO PREY ON TWEENS.

Feb 9 2011 She's A Wiiiiiiiiiitch!: Harry Potter Poledancing

Note: Video possibly NSFW depending on how your employer feels about pole-dancin'.

This is a video of a lady loosely dressed (get it? she's hardly wearing anything!) as a Harry Potter character working the pole to a 'Harry Potter Dubstep'. Admittedly, she's pretty good and the music was strangely addictive. Of course, I have an addictive personality which is why I've already taken like 40 Flintsone vitamins today. Huh? Yes I'm turning colors! Next up: Twilight pole dancing. You think Edward can't work a pole?! Oh, Edward can work a pole. Huge fan of the glory hole, just sayin'!

Hit the jump for the Slytherin black magic in action.

Continue Reading " She's A Wiiiiiiiiiitch!: Harry Potter Poledancing "

Feb 9 2011 DO NOT WANT TO CATCH ANY: Guy Gets Series Of 3-D Pokéball Tattoos On Arms

This guy got six Pokéball tattoos down his arm and the area beneath each stuffed with a subdermal implant to make them all appear 3-D. Not really sure what else to say, except rubbing elbows with him would almost certainly make me queasy. Not unlike eating a can of cat food because you lost a bet to eat a whole bowl of dog food without puking. Gambling problems: I have one. Also, a clogged sink and sore throat.

Um, Nice Pokéballs [kotaku]

Thanks to Stephen, who knows a guy with a tattoo of 3-D boobs on his arm but one of the titty implants migrated to dude's armpit. LOLWUT?!

Feb 8 2011 Snake Eyes Practicing His Ninja Moves

This is a video of Snake Eyes practicing his ninja-ing in G.I. Joe's highly sophisticated training arena his backyard while being critiqued by a sun sculpture, a buddha statue, a skull coffee mug, some free weights, and two sets of horseshoes. One thing's for certain: if you're a gallon of milk, 2-liter soda bottle or jug of kitty litter, this is NOT the ninja to f*** with. But if you have at least a broken nunchuck and any coordination whatsoever you could easily kill the poor bastard. Unless he whips out his bow & arrow, in which case he'll probably do it himself. Remember Snake Eyes: Knowing when to quit is half the battle.

Hit the jump for a video of G.I. Joe's latest rejection letter in action.

Continue Reading " Snake Eyes Practicing His Ninja Moves "

Feb 8 2011 My Dome!: Automatic Head-Shaving Helmet

Suck it, Flowbee! Get it? Cause that shit requires a vacuum!

This is an automatic head-shaving helmet invented by some guy named Boris, who doesn't run around with Nastasha but will swerve to hit a squirrel when driving (you're sick!).

Somehow, this helmet uses four razors and a shaving cream irrigation system of sorts to shave a head bald in just 20 seconds -- without nightmarish results.

As the thoroughly bald man explains and later demonstrates on a slightly less bald man, this seemingly lethal device is actually pretty efficient.

Right, but what happens when you strap it on, hit 'GO', and then your roommate starts beating you in the head with a broomstick? YOU GET F***ING SCALPED, THAT'S WHAT! And not like nosebleed football tickets either, I'm talking like your skull showing. Just sayin', Ghost Rider don't take kindly to peeps coppin' his style.

Hit the jump for a video of the (admittedly impressive) system in action.

Continue Reading " My Dome!: Automatic Head-Shaving Helmet "

Feb 8 2011 Mother Asks Microsoft For Forgiveness After Son Racks Up Whoppin' $1,700 XBox Live Bill

Seen here proving they can't even afford a trip to Supercuts, Dawn Matthews and 11-year old son Brendan are appealing to Microsoft to reverse some of the $1,700 in charges ol' Mophead McSadface accumulated on XBox Live. Yeah! YEAH! Reverse some of mine too!

She entered her debit card details into the family Xbox to pay for Brendan's subscription to his favourite game.

However, Brendan repeatedly clicked on additions and extensions - racking up a £1082.52 debt to her account over six months.

But Dawn wants her experience to be a lesson to other parents and blames Microsoft for making it 'too easy' for her son to spend the money.

She said: 'Brendan is 11 and knows his times tables but it was only when I explained to him that he realised how much money he had spent.

'When he is in gaming mode he can't be thinking about the money. You can't put all that responsibility on a young boy.

'It is impossible to monitor everything your children do. These companies should take some responsibility. They take advantage of vulnerable people.'

A spokesman for Microsoft claimed that a parental control setting would have prevented Brendan from spending Dawn's money.

He said: 'With over 30M Xbox LIVE members across the world customer complaints of this nature are extremely rare.

Hoho, burned by the Microsoft rep! Sorry lady, but I'm not buying it either. 1. He knew what he was doing, even if he didn't realize JUST HOW MUCH monetary damage he was doing and 2. it's YOUR responsibility to keep an eye on your rugrats' activity anyway. Don't hate just because your babysitter ended up being more than you expected!

Boy, 11, racks up £1,000 bill on mother's debit card playing XBox online [dailymail]
via
Mom asks Microsoft for forgiveness over son's $1700 XBL shopping spree [gamesradar]

Thanks to Stephen, who's been working on a $50 Playstation Network card for over a year.

Feb 8 2011 Pure Sadness: 100's Of Wine Bottles Breaking

HA -- that guy thinks he's a shelf!

Note: Watch without audio, guy says bad word (holy she-she).

This is a video of somebody taping a security monitor replaying footage of a guy trying unsuccessfully to prevent an entire shelving unit from spilling its precious alcoholic cargo onto the liquor store floor. Brings a tear to my eye. Granted not as big a tear as the great vodka warehouse disaster of '09, but only because I don't like wine as much. You see, it makes my head spinny. Like a toy gyroscope after it can't stand anymore and needs to puke real bad but convinces itself it could fall asleep if it just put one hand flat on the bed and the other on the wall until fifteen minutes of fighting later it's puking in its girlfriend's pillowcase and trying to blame a cat. CATS CAN EAT SPAGHETTI-O'S TOO YOU KNOW!

Hit the jump for the sadness.

Continue Reading " Pure Sadness: 100's Of Wine Bottles Breaking "

Feb 8 2011 Fore!: Assault Rifle Golf Ball Launching Mod

Certainly brings new meaning to 'shooting the green', amirite?! No? God I hate myself.

Own an assault rifle and tired of shooting bullets? Enter the $20 golf-ball launching nozzle. Your neighbors'll never suspect you shot their f***ing windows out while hiding under a recycling bin!

Works on most AR-15, M4, and M16 rifles; replaces your muzzle brake or flash hider. Machined out of solid-stock steel, shoots golf balls over 250 yards using .223 BLANKS (BAM-006), do not use live rounds. No gunsmithing required. WARNING: All rules of firearm safety apply. Misuse of the golf ball launcher is potentially dangerous, and it is not a toy.

Really? Misuse is potentially dangerous? How about misuse IS dangerous. Actually, how about PROPER use is still dangerous. Actually, how about you fire a couple rounds at my nuts, see how many I can take. Because my money's on one. More if I pass out and you don't stop.

Product Site

Thanks to garfield, who doesn't give a shit unless it shoots lasagna.

Feb 8 2011 Why So Blue?: The Sun Gettin' His Swerve On

Note: Worthwhile larger version HERE.

This is an animated gif that makes the sun appear 3-D. Also, blue. While interesting, what's even more interesting is the UFO that keeps blinking in the bottom right corner. I suspect they're siphoning off our sun's energy like I do my neighbor's gastank. No wonder our solar cells blow!

Picture [wikipedia]

Thanks to Mr. KNUCKLES, who, AGAIN WITH THE INSULTS! *beating with gauntlet* It's on, Nancy-Pants!

Feb 8 2011 Catholic Church Approves Confession App

Admit it! Admit you've dabbled in witchcraft!

$1.99 to have your sins forgiven, not a bad deal! That's right folks, the Catholic Church has officially approved an iPhone app that guides worshipers through the process of confession. Ah yes, I remember my first confession. I think I lied and said I stole an apple.

Described as "the perfect aid for every penitent", it offers users tips and guidelines to help them with the sacrament.

The app takes users through the sacrament - in which Catholics admit their wrongdoings - and allows them to keep track of their sins.

It also allows them to examine their conscience based on personalised factors such as age, sex and marital status - but it is not intended to replace traditional confession entirely.

Instead, it encourages users to understand their actions and then visit their priest for absolution.

Hey, whatever helps people lead more decent lives I'm all for. *ahem* I'm looking at you, lady who tried to park her grocery cart on my front bumper instead of taking it to the cart return LIKE JESUS WOULD'VE DONE.

*woman, not realizing I'm sitting the car with my ladyfriend, parks her cart on my bumper after loading her groceries*
Ladyfriend: *rolling down window* Excuse me, isn't there a cart return?
Sinner: *startled, turning around* Huh?
Ladyfriend: Doesn't this grocery store have a cart return?
Sinner: They do but I'm choosing to leave it right here AND THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST THAT.
Ladyfriend: *pointing* But the cart return is right there.
Me: *honking* THOSE EXTRA LB'S AREN'T GONNA SHED THEMSELVES, LADY!

Catholic church gives blessing to iPhone app [bbc]

Thanks to David, who managed to pirate the app for free. *facepalm*

Feb 8 2011 Uncalled For!: Realistic Robotic Baby Head

Great, they're trying to trick our women.

This is a video of a guy jerking around a realistic robotic baby's head like he's searching for the holes in a bowling ball. KEEP LOOKING TILL IT STARTS SPARKING AND CATCHES FIRE!

...the goal of Osaka University's AFFETTO was to create a robot modeled after a young child that could produce realistic facial expressions in order to endear it to a human caregiver in a more natural way.

Listen: I love children as much as the next guy whose eyes turn into big $ signs whenever he thinks about all the cheap labor, but robotic babies designed to elicit nurturing emotions from a human? Not cool. I AIN'T RAISING NO ROBOTIC BABIES. Only the bar of excellence. Just kidding, I dropped that that shit to the floor like a fat man doing the limbo.

Hit the jump for a video of WTF robotified, along with a SPECIAL BONUS VIDEO of the head without its skin on that will flip your shi. Wow, that's not f***ing creepy.

Continue Reading " Uncalled For!: Realistic Robotic Baby Head "

Feb 8 2011 The End Nears: Horseman Of The Apocalypse Spotting During Egyptian Riot News Coverage

This is a video of one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse appearing during the recent Egyptian riots. That's him in the yellow, clearly making him the 4th, or pale horse rider (Death, aka pestilence, plague). I know, I didn't know they glowed either. Now granted you could argue it's just some sort of omen-less reflection in the window, but that would indicate a fairly significant lack of faith on your part. Seriously, even Jesus saw this and started lacing up his sandals for the big entrance.

Hit the jump for the video and a link to the original NBC footage so you can't call it fake.

Continue Reading " The End Nears: Horseman Of The Apocalypse Spotting During Egyptian Riot News Coverage "

Feb 8 2011 Original Star Wars (New Hope) In 'Iconoscope'

Note: This is not the graphic you're looking for, I had to cut it. Click HERE to see the entire thing in full-res.

This is the story of Star Wars: A New Hope told in little icons as created by digital designer Wayne Dorrington. I tried "reading" it, but came up with a story that doesn't even loosely resemble what I remember watching.

1. Woman plus floppy of nudie pics pee on trashcan droid plus twinky droid vacation on moon with two suns. Grim Reaper: nudie pics? Woman: no nudey pics. Reaper: DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200!

2. Trascan droid and twinky droid plus man = threesome. Trashcan droid: let's add a lady. Man: Ladies? I don't do ladies. Trascan droid (to himself): lady = man. Must find lady with penis.

Actually, that is kind of what I remember. You kinkier than a wampa sexin' a snowman, George!

Wayne Dorrington's Website
via
Star Wars Now In Iconoscope Vision [nerdbastards]

Thanks to Brittany, who won't draw robots because she knows they scare me. Don't think it goes unnoticed!

Feb 7 2011 Admit It! Admit It's From The New Uncharted!: HDR Timelapse Looks Like Video Game Scene

This is a short video (WHICH COULD HAVE BEEN EVEN SHORTER -- skip to 1:30 for the good stuff to start) created from a series of HDR time-lapse photographs by Patryk Kizny called 'The Chapel'. The star of the film is, get this -- an old chapel. One that's falling apart in Poland. HA! What isn't falling apart in Poland?

Filmed in Zeliszów, Poland, the chapel shown in the video is actually a real one built in 1796-1797 and designed by Karl Langhans.

I'm not gonna lie, I'd still live there with trees growing in it and everything. Sure there are holes in the roof, but I'll just pretend they're skylights. Which, technically, they are. Plus if it gets cold in the winter I'll just burn part of the building! "Uh, GW -- doesn't that sound dangerous?" No. Running across the street blindfolded and covering your ears sounds dangerous, that sounded smart. "Ha, whatever you say." I'M THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOVER -- YOU AGREED!

Hit the jump (and don't forget to skip to 1:30) for the magic.

Continue Reading " Admit It! Admit It's From The New Uncharted!: HDR Timelapse Looks Like Video Game Scene "

Feb 7 2011 INAPPRO!: Little Girl Finds Vulgar Candy Heart

Better than 'niece tits', just sayin'.

I mean, it's not really vulgar to you or I, but you and I aren't twelve. You just act that way. Hoho, BURN! -- *circle-circle-dot-dotting nips* -- NO BURN-BACKS! Anyway, a 12-year old California girl got a 'NICE TITS!' heart in a bag of Brach's brand Conversation Hearts candy (THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR NOT BUYING NECCO BRAND SWEETHEARTS!). She found it particularly offensive because she thought they were making fun of her for not starting puberty yet. That's pretty low, Mr. Wonka.

"I thought it was kinda shocking," said Ciara Bush, "I was reading them and I brought it to my mom after I saw it."

Her parents were stunned at what they saw.

"Nice Tits," said Derrick Deanda, reading the message printed on the small piece of candy that referred to a woman's chest.

He e-mailed the candy maker and said he got a quick response. A phone call came the next day asking him to mail the candy and the entire bag back to the company so they could investigate.

While he was shocked, Deanda said he doesn't have any plans to sue. He just wanted to warn other parents.

Whoa whoa whoa -- how's a 12-year old even know what tits are?! I didn't find out what a tit was until college and then only because my freshman roommate had a pair and I used to Photoshop pictures of women's heads onto his body and send them around the dorm trying to get people to say they were hot. I think a couple guys even masturbated to them!! *whistling*

Girl Finds Adult Message On Candy [kcra]

Thanks to Blaqk Panda, who once opened a bag of all broken hearts. OMG THOSE POOR SUGAR-PEOPLE! And to lil co., who once opened a bag of all "NICEST TITS" hearts. I believe it!

Feb 7 2011 Daaaaaw: The Hamster-Ball Powered Mecha

Seen here tormenting a cat instead of laying waste to that Roomba LIKE I SPECIFICALLY YELLED AT HER TO DO, Hammy Princess shows off her Theo Jansen inspired hamster-ball mecha. JEALOUS SUPER MONKEY BALL IS JEALOUS.

Princess is a tiny little thing, much smaller than what I had imagined and prepared for. I was afraid that her weight wouldn't be enough to get the ball going. But luckily it all worked out great, and test pilot Princess had no problems getting the strandbeest up to speed. When the cat walked in, I expected that it would provide some motivation on both parties, but they didn't really cared about each other. In fact, Princess kept going towards to cat, and eventually the cat just lost interest and walked away.

Sure the cat lost interest this time, but what about the time lil' Princess eventually walks her ass off a table and the ball breaks? SPOILER: Your cat shits hamster bones the next day. What?! It's the circle hamster-ball of life, yo!

Hit the jump for a video of Princess walking all over the damn place.

Continue Reading " Daaaaaw: The Hamster-Ball Powered Mecha "

Feb 7 2011 The Origin Of The Species Countries: Or, Where All Our Countries Got Their Names

Adam didn't name them all?

Note: I don't care if you can spot a nickel from across the street, there's no way you can read this. Click HERE to see the whole map in it's full-res glory and getcha learn on.

This is a map showing the origin/meaning of all countries' names. Honestly, I have no idea if it's accurate or not because I don't know anything about things like this. You see, I prefer to save my brain-space for more important stuff like, oh I don't know -- MARGARITAS. Which -- who knew Mexico meant 'Navel of the Moon'? Sure beats 'Some Planet's Butthole'! *ahem* Greenland.

Origins of the names of every country [reddit]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who still wants an island named after him. Me? I'm shooting for a drink. Something with a little umbrella.

Feb 7 2011 How Do: Birds Fly In Space? SPOILER: Poorly

We've already seen butterflies in space, so what not birds? This is an old video of a couple dudes and a bunch of pigeons during a weightless dive experiment in a Vomit Comet to determine how well birds fly in a weightless environment. Which, I'm not gonna lie, isn't very well. Even the ostriches are embarrassed for them! And, if you think pigeons fly into a lot of windows on earth, just imagine the portholes of the Death Star! Coo-coo carnage.

Hit the jump for 45-seconds of sadness.

Continue Reading " How Do: Birds Fly In Space? SPOILER: Poorly "

Feb 7 2011 Scientists One Step Closer To 'Universal Flu Vaccine' (Cue Unstoppable Supervirus)

Seen here looking like an exploding nebula or some such shit, a strain of flu prepares to have its ass whipped and lil' tentacle dealies torn off by a new flu vaccine. That's right folks, scientists at Oxford University believe a vaccine capable of combating EVERY strain of flu is just around the corner. And just around my corner? A homeless man who'll yell at you if you don't give him a quarter. Oxford University: 1, my neighborhood: 0 (and -4 after dark!)

The treatment - using a new technique and tested for the first time on humans infected with flu - targets a different part of the flu virus to traditional vaccines, meaning it does not need expensive reformulation every year to match the most prevalent virus that is circulating the world.

Developed by a team led by Dr Sarah Gilbert at Oxford's Jenner Institute, the vaccine targets proteins inside the flu virus that are common across all strains, instead of those that sit on the virus's external coat, which are liable to mutate.

If used widely a universal flu vaccine could prevent pandemics, such as the swine flu outbreaks of recent years, and end the need for a seasonal flu jab.

Sure it could prevent pandemics, ooooor it could cause the flu to mutate into some sort of zombie virus that makes all our penises fall off and wanna eat each others' brains. Huh? No not nuts you pervert -- actual brains! Then where are we left? We?! There's no we! Your zombie ass is gonna be left on an island! "Hey, as long as it's the island from LOST." Ha, "the island from LOST." YOU'LL GET ICELAND AND LIKE IT!

Flu breakthrough promises a vaccine to kill all strains [guardian]

Thanks to Jason, who agrees the best way to combat the flu is pounding some curry as hot as you can stand it at least once a week. If your ass doesn't spontaneously Mt. Vesuvius on you later that night, you did it wrong. Trust me, I crap my pants on the reg and haven't been sick in years.

Feb 7 2011 Giving Birth As Terrifying Carnival Ride: 1963 'Apparatus For Facilitating The Birth Of A Child By Centrifugal Force' Patent

This is a patent from 1963 for a device that's supposed to make birthing easier by practically shooting babies out of vaginas with the helpful hand of centrifugal force. Basically a woman is strapped into this thing, it starts spinning like mad, and she projectile vomits for a while until PRESTO! a baby comes flying out like a circus clown out of a cannon. Thankfully, the newborn is caught by a special baby-catching net (DO NOT FORGET TO ATTACH THE NET!) between the woman's legs and the apparatus immediately shuts down. Wow, and to think 50-years later this isn't the standard practice. WHY YOU LADIES GOTTA HATE ON SCIENCE?!

Apparatus For Facilitating The Birth Of A Child By Centrifugal Force [googlepatents]

Thanks to Dot.AY, who heard water-births are where it's at. EVIAN BABIES FTW!

Feb 7 2011 Link And Saria Cosplay In The Lost Woods

As you may or may yes know, I have a special affinity for the Zelda franchise. Maybe it's how much of Link's heroism I see in myself, or my penchant for the skin-flute ocarina, but it's prooooooobably all the pointy ears. God I'm a sucker for pointy ears. Also: ranch dressing. Anyway, this is a cute cosplay gallery of Link and Saria (from OoT) frolicking around in the Lost Woods. Personally, you'd never catch ME running around the Lost Woods with Saria, but that's because they're the Lost Woods. You wouldn't be able to tell up from your own @$$hole!

Several more shots, a 30-minute behind-the-scenes video from the shoot, and a link to whole gallery after the jump.

Continue Reading " Link And Saria Cosplay In The Lost Woods "

Feb 4 2011 It's Never Too Early To Be Thinking Halloween: This Year's Sure-To-Be Hottest Costumes

Bro you look waaaaaay too happy to be f***ing a tauntuan in front of Leonardo.

Sure Halloween is still 8-months away, but you know what? It's never too early to start planning. You know, or looking at sexy Halloween costumes online and talking about what kinda skank would ever wear such a thing. I WOULD, THAT'S WHO. Anyway, I created a gallery of the latest geeky costumes from Costume Craze after the jump, in this order: sexy Ninja Turtles, sexy Thor characters (and kid's Thor), TRON characters, Star Trek, then three Ame-Comi costumes (manga styled DC Comics characters), three superheroine corsets, some Green Lantern stuff, then Star Wars. "WELL GW -- WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT BEING?!" The same thing I am every year: wasted and puking candy rainbows before 6. What? I'M A TRADITIONALIST!

Hit the jump and start getting excited. Halloween's half-birthday's is just a couple months away!

Continue Reading " It's Never Too Early To Be Thinking Halloween: This Year's Sure-To-Be Hottest Costumes "

Feb 4 2011 It'll Never Make The X-Games: Sporthocking, The Latest In Questionably 'Extreme' Sports

EXTREME SITTING!

Sporthocking (not to be confused with spittin' game) involves a participant performing some feat of ridiculous-lookingness by juggling, kicking, throwing, spinning, sliding, etc.-ing a 'Sporthock' (which looks like the lovechild of a bongo drum and Sit 'n Spin), and then slamming their ass down on it at the end to signify the maneuver is complete. "MY F*** THAT SOUNDS STUPID." Haha, just wait till you see the video.

Hit the jump for a video that'll have you itchin' to sporthock faster than you can say "I'd rather be towed behind a snowmobile on an overturned barstool." HEY NOW YOU'RE TALKIN'!

Continue Reading " It'll Never Make The X-Games: Sporthocking, The Latest In Questionably 'Extreme' Sports "

Feb 4 2011 Bubble Boy Sends Robotic Avatar To School

Lyndon Baty has polycystic kidney disease, leaving him with "virtually no immune system". FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. For the last year, he's been unable to have any social contact with friends and peers (besides Faceybooks). But now, thanks to a robotic "avatar" on wheels, he attends high-school with the rest of the kids his age. "Dammit GW, please don't give the robot a wedgie." UGH -- I WASN'T GOING TO.

The technology, which works like video conferencing, allows him to attend class, visit the school canteen, and even hang around the yard.

It is the first time the machine has been used in a school - and it has given Lyndon, from Knox City, a new lease of life.

His mother Sheri told local NBC news station KFDX: 'He has a reason to get up. He takes his medicine, eats, and he's sitting and waiting for that (school) bell to ring.'

'It's absolutely amazing,' Lyndon added. 'I would have never thought when I was sick that I would ever have any interaction, much less this kind. It is just like I am there in the classroom.'

Okay, so in this ONE case I'll make an exception for the use of robots. But if I catch anybody WITHOUT POLYCYSTIC KIDNEY DISEASE fooling around with one, I'm gonna make you wish you were a bubble boy. Or bubble girl. Shit, or even bubble gum. Point is I'm gonna put the hurt on ya bad.

Heartwarming news report after the jump.

Continue Reading " Bubble Boy Sends Robotic Avatar To School "

Feb 4 2011 Drawin' w/ Light: Skeletons Of The Apocalypse

Seen here looking like some sort of futuristic vision, Janne Parviainen takes photographs painted with LEDs/sparklers. Impressive Janne, but try painting with darkness. Haha -- can't do it, can you?! You've gotta sell your soul to the devil for that shit!

Straight from the camera. When you're standing two hours in a knee deep snow in minus 20 celcius degrees taking photos, playing with fire starts to sound like a great idea, haha! I only burnt my coat just a little while doing this, oops!

Oh yeah? Well I only burnt my coat a little tooting too close to a fireplace, so there! Just kidding, it actually melted the whole thing to my skin. Somebody just scored a permanent superhero bodysuit! "Who the hell are you supposed to be, Melty-Man?" Melty-man, really?! Try Members-Only Man, jackass!

Hit the jump for a couple more and a link to Janne's Flickr with a TON of different examples.

Continue Reading " Drawin' w/ Light: Skeletons Of The Apocalypse "

Feb 4 2011 The Pokemon Leap Of Faith: 10-Year Old Falls On Train Tracks While Playing Video Game

No Hogwarts for you!

This is a short video of a 10-year old who falls on the train tracks while walking and gaming (not to be confused with walking-and-texting related incidents). He takes a pretty nasty spill, but thank God there was no electrified rail or train coming. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR SURROUNDINGS! And parents: DON'T LET YOUR KIDS WALK AROUND PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. You might as well throw them under a bus! "God, they can be so annoying -- sometimes I really want to." Haha, I know what you -- *hello, child services?*

Hit the jump for the WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, MORON!

Continue Reading " The Pokemon Leap Of Faith: 10-Year Old Falls On Train Tracks While Playing Video Game "

Feb 4 2011 StreetFlyer: A Neck Brace Waiting To Happen

Because apparently there's a market for exhilarating ways to kill yourself (move over, dangerous carnival rides!), a doctor (OF DEATH -- move over Kevorkian!) invented the StreetFlyer, a bike ridden while suspended face-down (like this one, but way more modern). NICE BUTTCRACK, LADY!

Created by Dr. Carsten Mehring, the StreetFlyer lets a harnessed rider transition between walking along with the 'bike' and a prone, lying-on-your-stomach position where you pedal the single rear wheel with your feet and steer the front pair with your arms.

At the moment the StreetFlyer only exists as prototypes, but apparently a more marketable and 'practical' version is being designed that you could end up seeing on the streets some day.

Oh man, can you imagine finding out somebody cut your breaks after you're already racing down a hill on that thing? WTF are you gonna do then?! SPOILER: Die. Probably hanging out of a parked car.

UPDATE: Short video added after the jump thanks to Allie, who was really hoping to see some crash-test footage. Ditto.

Continue Reading " StreetFlyer: A Neck Brace Waiting To Happen "

Feb 4 2011 Water-Powered Jetpacks Going On Sale

Remember the water-powered jetpack we reported on (link includes video) back in January of '09? Me neither, that was two whole years ago. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, AN ELEPHANT?! Well now JetLev, the company behind the device, is ready to roll them out to the public. And all for the low, low price of $136,000. JESUS, HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO TURN A PROFIT SELLING THEM SO LOW?!

It's taken over 10 years for its Canadian inventor, Raymond Li, to realize his dream and see his jetpack go on sale, but judging by the pictures it looks well worth the wait.

The Jetlev has three main components -- a lightweight carbon fiber backpack, a 10-meter hose and an engine unit which floats on the water.

The engine sucks water up through the hose and forces it through two adjustable nozzles on the backpack, creating up to 500 pounds of thrust...

Small adjustments to the hand controls allow pilots to control the speed -- a maximum of 35 kph (22 mph) -- and your height, which rises to a maximum of 10 meters (30 feet), according to the manufacturers.

For you poorer folks out there, Jetlev is talking to vacation resorts about leasing options so even peasants can experience the thrill of blasting yourself face first into the water from 30-feet up. Whee, I'm drowning. Hey I think this merman wants to kiss me. Well, maybe just a peck!

Hit the jump for a video demonstration if you're not familiar with the technology.

Continue Reading " Water-Powered Jetpacks Going On Sale "

Feb 4 2011 You Can't Do Anything Right!: Idiot Moron Leaves Phone Charging At House He Robbed

Sad burglar is sad.

Seen here looking like the sad idiot moron that he is, 25-year old stupid Cody Wilkins has been charged with a string of burglaries in Montgomery County, MD (MOCO FOR THE WIN -- GO QO COUGARS!) after leaving his cell phone charging at a house he was robbing. Smooth, dipshit.

As the burglar was rifling through the rooms in that house, the homeowner's son arrived and startled him. The burglar jumped out a window and fled. The son called police, who searched the house.

They were stunned at what was found: a cellphone, charging in an electric socket, that didn't belong to the homeowner.

The phone led police to Cody Wilkins, who is now charged in 10 burglaries.

Police say that Wilkins's home lost power in the storm and that he needed a place - anyplace, it seems - to charge his phone. In his haste to flee, he left it charging.

Listen, I'm not promoting thievery of any kind, but if you're gonna break in and steal something, it's generally best not to bring anything that could be used to identify you. This goes for cell phones, fingerprints, passports, drivers licenses AND business cards. Or, if you live here in LA, headshots. SON OF A -- I think I saw this asshat on NCIS last week!

Man who left cellphone in Silver Spring house charged in 10 burglaries [washingtonpost]

Thanks to ultrapony, who once robbed a house and didn't leave anything but a toilet full of pony urine without flushing. You nasty, ultra, I bet it stunk!

Feb 3 2011 It's Colder Than A Witch's Nips Out Here!: Blown Bubbles Freezing In Mid-Air

This is a video of bubbles being blown and freezing in mid-air. You can actually see the ice crystals starting to form as the bubbles drift around. Mother nature you be trippin' me out, gurl!

After some trial and error, a solution of dish soap, sugar, and water was found to create bubbles that would freeze before hitting the ground. With air temperatures outside around 33 below zero, and winds at nearly hurricane force, the "experiment" was attempted in several different sheltered locations at the Sherman Adams State Park Building where temperatures were a few degrees warmer. One of the locations was warm enough that one could actually see the bubbles crystallizing, while the second location was several degrees colder, and the bubbles froze almost immediately.

33 DEGREES BELOW ZERO? I'm not gonna lie, that's waaaay too cold for me. Also, anything below 55. You laugh now but just wait until your balls freeze to your leg. I tore them off like a band-aid -- there was a casualty. o->-< .

Hit the jump for the bubble-freezin' in action.

Continue Reading " It's Colder Than A Witch's Nips Out Here!: Blown Bubbles Freezing In Mid-Air "

Feb 3 2011 Great, I'm A Death Star Thermal Exhaust Port Operator: The Star Wars Jobs Flowchart

Note: This is neither full-size nor the whole chart, use the Force your mouse to click HERE and see the whole thing.

Ever wonder where you'd fit in in the Star Wars employment universe? SPOILER: Bantha fodder. Sorry, but we were all thinking it. Me? I'd probably be on the Jedi Council. Well at least until I got kicked off for 'drinking too much' and 'trying to light a bong with a lightsaber'. "ANSWER ME -- WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO DO THIS STUFF?!" YODA, ALRIGHT?! I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YODA!

What Would Your Job Be In The Star Wars Universe? Use This Flow Chart [nerdbastards]

Thanks to Christine, who was really hoping to be a cocktail waitress at Mos Eisley.

Feb 3 2011 WTF DID I JUST WATCH?!: PSP Phone (The 'Xperia Play') Gets First (Creepy) Commercial

I'm pretty sure that's not how you sell phones. Sell phones, get it?! LIKE CELL PHONES, DUMMY!

This is a commercial for the new Sony Erickson 'Xperia Play' (Aka 'the PSP phone'). In case you couldn't tell, it's kinda dark. And creepy. Like my uncle's basement, but without all the toy trains and baseball gloves. But I don't wanna play catch aside, the ad does feature a back-alley plastic surgeon. Which, fun fact: is not the guy to go to for a little 'male enhancement'. "Oh come on, he can't be that bad." Can't be that bad?! HE STITCHED SOMEBODY'S BIG TOE TO THE END MY WIENER. It has a hangnail!

Hit the jump for 30-seconds of creepy-assery.

Continue Reading " WTF DID I JUST WATCH?!: PSP Phone (The 'Xperia Play') Gets First (Creepy) Commercial "

Feb 3 2011 Stem-Cell Gun Heals Burns By Spraying Victims With Their Own Stem Cells

Note: Video after the jump has some pretty gnarly burns in it, best watched mid-lunch.

Wow, a gun that sprays a patient's own stem-cells on a burn to magically heal it. Well, not actual magic because it looks like an airbrush and not a glittery wand, but I still wouldn't tell Merlin about it (he gets butt-hurt easy). Now I know what you're thinking -- "but does it work on nipples?!" And the answer to that, my friend, is stop burning them in the first place. "But my girl and I like to get kinky!" Yeah, NO. Letting your partner drip hot wax on your chest is kinky. Painting your moobs red and setting your nipples on fire like they're little volcanoes is just f***ing sick.

Hit the jump for a moderately gruesome video.

Continue Reading " Stem-Cell Gun Heals Burns By Spraying Victims With Their Own Stem Cells "

Feb 3 2011 VW's Star Wars Super Bowl Commercial

Cheer up bro, that's a good lookin' samwich!

Because you should never make people wait to see the 1-minute commercial you're paying $6-million to air during the Super Bowl, this is Volkswagen's Star Wars inspired ad. I don't want to ruin it for you, but I'm pretty sure that kid not only tried to Force-choke a baby-doll, but his dog as well, indicating some rather serious psychological issues that should probably be addressed before it's too late to turn back to the light. "He's Vader, man, it's already too late." IT'S NEVER TOO LATE! "Ever tried the Taco Bell drive-thru at 3AM on a Wednesday?" GAAAAAAH, you have a point.

Hit the jump for the commercial you can now ruin for everybody else during the actual Super Bowl.

Continue Reading " VW's Star Wars Super Bowl Commercial "

Feb 3 2011 Could Not Live With: A Chucky Computer Case

Child's Play came out in 1988. I was seven. I saw it around then too, which not only scarred me for life, but inspired me to pack all my Cabbage Patch Kids in the bottom drawer of a dresser and set the whole thing on fire. I could hear them scream. *shivers, tweaks nips so they're both as hard as possible*

Modder Omar Majzoub spent over six months of his life and $2000 on this Child's Play computer, designed to look like a giant Good Guys box. It looks like Chucky already got out of the box, although there's a mini-me Chucky, Bride of Chucky and Son of Chucky hanging out inside the case too.

Inside the toy box is a system powered by a water-cooled Core i7 920 CPU with 6GB of RAM, 5 terabytes of storage, and a pair of SLI GTX 460 video cards.

Granted a creepy-ass homicidal doll wouldn't be my first choice of modding themes, but admittedly the case was well executed. Get it?! Because Chucky kills people! But so does eating while driving, so put the bacon-burger down and focus on the road, Wide-Load! (chicken nuggets are still a go)

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the scariness.

Continue Reading " Could Not Live With: A Chucky Computer Case "

Feb 3 2011 K.O.: Street Fighter Ultra-Combos In Real Life

This is a video of a couple guys performing their own ultra-combos from Street Fighter IV in real life. If you've never played Street Fighter IV you might have a harder time appreciating the video, but it's still worth a watch nonetheless. Also: putting a bar of soap in the microwave. "Nice try, GW, but cleaning is a woman's job!" Really? *looking around your partment* You've never had one over, have you? "Shut up -- my sister brought some of her hot friends over to party once!" Haha, the same night you saw your sister's boobs?

Hit the jump for just over a minute of finishing moves.

Continue Reading " K.O.: Street Fighter Ultra-Combos In Real Life "

Feb 2 2011 How To: Prevent Cheating When Playing Multiplayer Games With Your Roommate

Like this!

Granted it's not a new concept because I remember my freshman year of college ('99) my roommate and I used to play Counter-Strike on opposing clans and we'd each hang a bedsheet over the side of our loft so the other person couldn't see you. Which, fun fact: also worked great for masturbating. For him anyways, I didn't care if he watched me or not just as long as he let me have one of the sausage biscuits he kept in the mini-fridge afterward. "Uh, GW? That sounded a little too realistic not to be true." I told you, I ONLY SPEAK THE TRUTH! But, from now on -- only to strangers. Damn yeah I want some free candy, mister! Nice van BTW.

Hit the jump for one more shot of a similar but different setup.

Continue Reading " How To: Prevent Cheating When Playing Multiplayer Games With Your Roommate "

Feb 2 2011 They Took Everything!: Google Accuses Microsoft Bing Of Stealing Search Results

Apparently Microsoft's search engine Bing has been stealing search results from Google and Google recently ran a sting operation to prove it. DAMN -- BUSTED, GATES! (Sorry, but we're all gonna have to hop the fence).

Google first smelled a rat when misspelled searches on Bing would bring up the same spelling corrected results as a Google search, even though Bing didn't attempt to correct the misspelled search term. Then they noticed a stronger than expected correlation between the top 10 results for many searches.

So they ran a sting, where they created "synthetic" searches by adding a random letter and number series to various web pages. A Bing search for that series returned no results until it was manually added to Google's search results, at which point it would magically appear in the Bing search.

Bing hasn't actually denied Google's claim, saying only that they use "multiple signals and approaches" to create their results.

Haha, "multiple approaches". Well obviously one is "use Google's results", what are the other ones? "We don't actually have any other ones." WELL THROW SOME GEEKOLOGIE LINKS IN THERE, SHIT!

Google: Bing Is Cheating, Copying Our Search Results [searchengineland] (ultra in-depth article explaining the findings)
and
Google claims Bing is cheating by copying their searches [dvice]

Thanks to Will C, buck and Amy, who don't steal anything but hearts. What in the -- I thought I felt dead inside!

Feb 2 2011 PLEASE TEACH LESSONS: Man Brings Knife To 40-Man Sword & Gunfight, Prevents A Rape

Seen here not even giving a f*** about the fluffy ball on his hat, 35-year old Nepalese soldier Bishnu Shrestha accepts an award for being a total badass and killing/maiming/scaring the living shit out of an entire gang of armed robbers/would-be-rapists off a train with nothing but a knife. *trying to enroll online in the Nepalese army's training program*

40 men armed with knives, swords and guns stormed the train and began robbing the passengers.

Bishnu kept his peace while the gang snatched cell phones, jewelry and cash from other riders. But then, the thugs grabbed the 18 year-old girl sitting next to him and forcefully stripped her naked. Before the bandits could rape the poor girl in front of her helpless parents, Bishnu decided he had enough.

"The girl cried for help, saying ´You are a soldier, please save a sister´," Shrestha recalled. "I prevented her from being raped, thinking of her as my own sister."

Here's the part of the story that makes you cheer. He pulls out a kukri (i.e. a knife) and proceeds to kill 3 of them, injure 8 of them, and causes the rest to flee. During the battle, he suffered a severe knife injury to his left hand, from which he's now recovered.

Wow. Congratulations Bishnu, I'd like to take this time to present you with the prestigious 'Geekologie Badass of the Year' award. I know it's only early February, but I can say with the utmost confidence nobody will do anything for the rest of the year that's even half as hardcore. *ahem* Batman. But seriously, good lookin', Bishnu. *salutes*

Hit the jump for a shot of the type of knife he used and a 26-minute news report that's not in English.

Continue Reading " PLEASE TEACH LESSONS: Man Brings Knife To 40-Man Sword & Gunfight, Prevents A Rape "

Feb 2 2011 Stuffed Griffins? Mummified Cat Paw Earrings? We've Got Those: Custom Creature Taxidermy

That's not actually a griffin. I think it's a cat ass with chicken legs and an eagle's head. Still, it does look like one though. And if anybody came over for dinner you could probably convince them it's one. Oooooooor threaten to poison their drink and lock them in the basement, depending on your approach to dinner parties. Me? I usually pass out drunk before the guests arrive and never hear the doorbell. The fire alarm when the stove catches fire, yes. Sarina Brewer is a taxidermist that specializes in stuffed mythical and otherwise freaky beasts. For example, hit the jump for a shot of 'Frankenpussy', a cat dressed up like Frankenstein with an eye-patch, peg-leg and smoking a cigar. Wow, that ninth life's a doozie! Ha, and Fluffy was worried about dying in vain.

Hit the jump for Frankenstein cat and a link to Sarina's website that made me a little too uneasy to surf around looking for more pictures.

Continue Reading " Stuffed Griffins? Mummified Cat Paw Earrings? We've Got Those: Custom Creature Taxidermy "

Feb 2 2011 Paper Planes In The Sky, I Can Go Twice As High: Samsung Drops SD-Card Laden Paper Airplanes From 22-Miles Up

Seen here looking suspiciously like Rodney Dangerfield's lovechild, a man explains Samsung's experiment to drop 200 paper airplanes from 36,500 meters (119,750 feet or ~22 miles) above Germany. Each plane contains a Samsung SD card with messages uploaded from people who visited their website. Mine reads, "SUCK IT, ALIENS!" Allegedly planes traveled all the way to Sydney, Australia; Khabarovsk, Russia and Bangalore, India, although I suspect they're actually all at the bottom of the ocean or in a shark's stomach. The feat was performed with the intention of demonstrating just how "magnet-proof, shock-proof and waterproof" the SD cards are, but I suspect it'll actually demonstrate just how small and hard to find they they are. Just sayin', you know how many memory cards filled with nude Myspace-style mirror shots of myself I've lost? TENS. Plus a couple external hard drives. And at least one briefcase of Polaroids.

Please note: if you find one of the planes you're encouraged to contact Samsung with your info yell 'HOLY SHIT IT'S A BOMB!' and call the police.

Hit the jump for a video of the planes being released.

Continue Reading " Paper Planes In The Sky, I Can Go Twice As High: Samsung Drops SD-Card Laden Paper Airplanes From 22-Miles Up "

Feb 2 2011 Luke, I Am Your Papa...John's (!!!!!!!!11): Massive Star Wars Pizza Party Gallery

Title-Writing Pulitzer: I want it now.

These are a couple shots from a giant Star Wars series by photographer Robin Cook. You're going to have to excuse me if I'm not 100% with it but I'm still beaming about how great that post title was. Luke I am your Papa...John's. God I slay me. But dragons too so if you know any damsels in distress don't hesitate to pass my number along. Tell them to text instead of call though because I'm super awkward on the phone. Also, in person. You see, I start stammering when I get really excited about something and people always think I have a drinking problem. Probably because I'm double-fisting drinks at the time, but that's neither here nor there. Unless "there" is at the bar, in which case, yes, it actually is there. Anyway, a Star Wars pizza party. Hit the jump to see a couple teaser shots and then the link to Robin's blog for a MASSIVE amount more, not all of which involve pizzas. Use the fork, Luke. Just kidding, you can use your hands. But if your arm starts sparking and catches fire like it did that time you spilled grape juice on it I am NOT sacrificing my shirt to put it out again. You should've seen the way C-3 was ogling my pecs. Like I was the piece of space-ass his copper peen was looking for!

Hit the jump for a couple more and then head to Robin's for a sail barge-load more.

Continue Reading " Luke, I Am Your Papa...John's (!!!!!!!!11): Massive Star Wars Pizza Party Gallery "

Feb 2 2011 Poké-Couture: The Sleepy Snorlax Dress

Snorlax, first a beanbag chair, now a dress. I swear, what will you Pokéfans think of next? Please say poseable action figures, please say poseable action figures! "Pokéball anal beads". GAAAAAAAAAHHH!! I must have them anyway. This is a Snorlax dress made by Etsy seller Betty Felon (crime doesn't pay, just sayin'!). It was made a while ago and I don't believe it was ever for sale, but you could probably make one yourself if you wanted to. I mean, if you actually had any talent. Alternatively, send me $80 and I'll make one for you. Ooooooor keep stalling and eventually stop returning your emails. Haha, do I know how to run a business or what?! I don't. But I do know how to run over stuff with my car, so that's something. It's easy -- sometimes I even close my eyes!

Snorlax dress [lookbook]

Thanks to Margie, who's had a Charizard dress but it accidentally set itself on fire in the closet coughing one night.

Feb 2 2011 Japan Trains Dogs To Sniff Out Butt Cancer

Whoa -- not the sausage, buddy!

Japanese scientists have successfully trained a Labrador Retriever to sniff out bowel cancer by whiffing a person's breath or doodies (and not actual buttcheeks like I'd have you believe) with the accuracy of a colonoscopy. Hmmmm -- doctor wedging things up my ass or letting a dog lick my face, tough call.

The findings, presented today in the Gut , a British Medical Journal publication, support hopes for an 'electronic nose' that could one day sniff a tumour at its earliest stages, the researchers say.

The team, led by Hideto Sonoda at Kyushu University in Fukuoka, Japan, used a specially-trained female black labrador to carry out 74 "sniff tests" over a period of several months.

It correctly spotted which samples were cancerous and which were not in 33 out of 36 breath tests, equal to 95 per cent accuracy, and in 37 out of 38 stool tests (98 per cent accuracy).

It performed especially well among people with early stage disease.

The scientists suggest training and keeping dogs at butt-doctors' offices is probably unrealistic, but that in the future a sensor could be created that mimics the dog's sense. Right, a sensor that mimics the complexity of a dog's nose -- I'm not holding my breath for that one. But for the squirty toot my dog just ripped? Absolutely.

Dogs sniff out cancer in stool [abc] (What the -- stools aren't comfortable for dogs! Get that bitch a La-Z-Boy!)

Thanks to rick, who once pulled a friend's finger and the dude actually shat. I'm not gonna lie, rick, sounds like it's time for some new friends. And to eileen m, whose dog doesn't go around sniffing butts BECAUSE SHE'S CLASSY.

Feb 1 2011 The Cliques Of Social Networking Sites

I have no idea if this is accurate or not because, honestly, I don't know what the hell half of these are. I do know what the hell half a dollar is though (55¢), so I'm not stupid. I am handsome though, which is why most people I meet can't stand me. Kidding, it's my grating personality. Did you know my parents used to secretly pay the neighborhood kids just to play with me? Because they did that. Through high-school. Obviously it screwed me up pretty bad which is why I can't even leave my bedroom closet anymore. Thank God I have a make-believe girlfriend who brings me snacks and empties my doodoo bucket (or spills it in the corner while I sleep) or I'd be in real bad shape. Which, at least physically, I'm already in. But enough about my dreamy ass, tell me something about you.

The Cliques of Social Networks [fairlyloveeverything]
via
The Cliques of Social Networks [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Jessica, who had to explain the T in the lower left was for Tumblr. Like, for rocks? WELL SHIT LET'S DO SOME TIGER'S EYE!

Feb 1 2011 Yeah They Do!: 'Nerdy Girls Need Love Too'

This is Amy Lee-Radigan performing her chart comic-topping hit 'Nerdy Girls Need Love Too'. I wasn't originally going to post it, but I decided to give Amy props for obviously being a real-ass nerd (I prefer geek) and not just trying to Olivia Munn her way to fame and fortune. Plus it's not all auto-tuned to all hell. You know, she reminds me a lot of Taylor Swift if Taylor Swift hadn't let John Mayer bang her because UGH, WTF WERE YOU THINKING TAY-TAY?! YOU KNOW HE SLIP-N-SLID ON RACHEL FROM FRIENDS, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK WAS GONNA HAPPEN?! God, I can't even listen to 'Love Story' anymore without gettin' sick to my stomach. OR eat Rocky Mountain oysters. But I digress. Good job, Amy, and thanks for the PSA. You've undoubtedly inspired tons of otherwise shy nerds to leave creepy-as-f*** messages on your video. Just remember: you never know who your knight in shining armor geek in a bedsheet-cape might be.

Hit the jump for 3:30 of toe-tapping mouse-clicking nerd-dom.

Continue Reading " Yeah They Do!: 'Nerdy Girls Need Love Too' "

Feb 1 2011 1994 Today Show Asks 'What's An Internet?'

This is a video of somebody taping their television while replaying a 1994 Today Show in which Katie Couric (nice hair!), Bryant Gumballs and some random get confused about what the '@' sign (it's not a b-hole?!) means (Katie: "I think it would be around or about"), and then proceed to ask WTF the internet is (besides magic). Now I'm not saying I knew what the internet was 17 years ago, but I did and I wouldn't have sounded like a dimwit on a national morning news program talking about it. "Oh -- it looks like we have a caller on the line who claims he can explain exactly what the internet is in 10-seconds or less." Der der, you dummies -- IT'S A SERIES OF TUBES. Katie, keep those yams perky -- GW OUT!

Worthwhile video of the big ball of sadness after the jump.

Continue Reading " 1994 Today Show Asks 'What's An Internet?' "

Feb 1 2011 The Opposite Of Okay: A 'Sucking' Sex-Bot

Note: Video probably NSFW on account of a robot trying to choke down a wiener.

This is a disturbingly disturbing DISTURBING DISTURBING video of a sex-bot "sucking" on a sausage. I put quotations around sucking because she's 100% trying to gnaw it in half. Now, as you may well know I'm hands-down the toughest man the gods ever breathed a bong-hit into, but there is NO WAY IN HELL I would let my wiener venture anywhere near that thing. Just sayin', I'm getting squeamish knowing she's on the same planet as I am. Which -- *stuffing a dildo with dynamite* SAY SAYONORA, BITE-BOT!

Hit the jump for 1:00 of completely uncalledfor-ness.

Continue Reading " The Opposite Of Okay: A 'Sucking' Sex-Bot "

Feb 1 2011 What Could Go Wrong???: Malaysia Releases 6,000 Mutant Mosquitoes To Combat Disease

Mosquitoes: they nasty. And now Malaysia has genetically modified a strain of all-males that are supposed to produce young that die soon after birth and released them into the wild with the hope they'll help reduce Dengue fever outbreaks. *plugging in bug-zapper and crackin' open a beer* No need for television tonight!

Dengue fever is a particularly nasty bug found in tropical and subtropical climes like Malaysia's, causing nausea, muscle and joint pain, fever, headaches, rashes, and sometimes death if left untreated (in Malaysia it killed 134 people last year).

The experiment was conducted less to see if the GM mosquitoes' offspring would die off earlier and more to see how the 6,000 mosquitoes themselves would fare in the wild. That also happens to be the sticking point for environmental groups and locals who are incensed that the Malaysian government went ahead with the experiment over their protests. Tweaking genomes, critics say, could lead to unforeseen and uncontrollable consequences.

"Unforeseen and uncontrollable consequences" is right. What happens when they find out the mosquitoes they released not only grow stronger every time they're exposed to OFF! but only go for eyeballs now? Beats me, but you better believe I'm wearing swim-goggles 24/7! And not just because women can't tell when I'm looking at their butts but GOT-DAMN LOOK AT THE TRUNK ON THAT ONE. You could fit multiple dead bodies in there -- with the spare AND a roadside emergency kit!!

Malaysia Releases 6,000 Genetically Modified Mosquitoes into the Wild [popsci]

Thanks to Boaz, who put a single genitally modified ant in his ant farm and it immediately set the barn on fire and ran over the rest of the ants with a tractor. WTF!

Feb 1 2011 Full-Scale Buster Sword Replica From FFVII

This is a man and his full-scale and full-metal (read: heavy as f***) Buster sword from Final Fantasy VII. Sure dude looks more like he belongs on the set of a live-action World of Warcraft movie, but I can look past that. What I can't look past is that sword, because my God is that thing huge. Unfortunately, dude has some serious back problems, so he has to bring in some shirtless roid-y hunk (think Ronnie from Jersey Shore but with a nicer face *wink*) to swing the thing around for him and lay waste to a couple shipping palates (which I may or may yes have watched in slo-mo -- twice). Awh yeah homoerotic sword-swingin' -- that's what I'm talking about! *dropping trou* Joust?

Hit the jump for a video of the biggest sword you'll ever see in action.

Continue Reading " Full-Scale Buster Sword Replica From FFVII "

Feb 1 2011 In The Future We'll All Whaf (Read: Huff) Food

Seen here already looking like an addict, a woman "whaffs" a lemon tart. Wait -- what? That's right folks: huffable food. I can see it now. "Yes, we'll like the steak au poivre paired with a full-bodied red spraypaint. And for dessert -- the airplane glue."

At first, my mouth feels warm and dry; then, as the droplets in the smoke settle, I can make out the particular flavours. The lemon tart is zingy and fresh. Next, a whaf of tarte tatin fills my mouth with caramel.

It might sound mad, but 'whaffing' is ­predicted to be the futuristic way of eating.

It's filled with ­special crystals (called piezoelectric ­crystals) that vibrate rapidly when Le Whaf is switched on, thereby creating ultrasound waves.

These waves create alternate low and high pressures through the ­liquid which make it bubble and then transform it into tiny liquid droplets that look like a cloud.

As for Le Whaf: 'It's good for dieters.' (Ten minutes of ­whaffing produce only 200 calories.)

The device was actually invented by David Edwards, the same guy who created the huffable chocolate cartridges a few years back, indicating a rather serious and long-standing addiction (GOD, TALK TO DR. DREW!). Still, whatever helps people stay healthy I'm all for. That said, nobody is going to use this POS because they love putting things in their mouths too much. *eating furry chips from between the couch cushions* What?! Give me a break, I JUST DROPPED THEM LAST NIGHT.

Anyone for a puff of lemon tart? Now there's food you don't eat but INHALE [dailymail]

Photo Credit: Photographer Manchester Paul Cooper www.cooperphotos.co.uk

Thanks to "So, I guess it can be cloudy with a chance of meatballs," Celest. GOOD ONE!

Feb 1 2011 JEALOUS!: Firework-Shooting R/C Helicopter Taking Out Hydrogen-Filled Balloons

This is a video of an R/C tri-copter shooting Roman candles at hydrogen-filled balloons in the style of a video game. Obviously, I'm pissed I didn't have this kind of setup when I was a kid. And not just because the closest I ever came to a missile-laden R/C helicopter was a hand-me-down Cabbage Patch Kid, but one time I did throw lil Joey out the window with a trashbag parachute with fairly traumatizing results. Read: he hit the sidewalk so hard his head and legs came off. Try explaining that to your 4-year old sister when you re-gift the head as a birthday present! "You see, thanks to science I've actually been able to keep his brain alive..."

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " JEALOUS!: Firework-Shooting R/C Helicopter Taking Out Hydrogen-Filled Balloons "