Dec 31 2010 BRING IT, 2011! HAAAAAAAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well folks, it's officially the second to last new year before the apocalypse. Let's go ahead and make it a good one, k? Gosh, looking back, 2010 was filled with so many amazing new experiences! Just kidding, I got drunk at the same bar everyday trying to erase my memory. I think it's finally starting to work! Everybody have fun tonight BUT BE SAFE. Read: get a cab. Also, wrap it up before having sex in the back. The last thing you need is a New Year's baby cartwheeling out of your vagina/your girlfriend's vagina/your wife's vagina/your boyfriend's butt come October. Trust me. You already missed the window to have a child born on my birthday, so you might as well wait till next year. Then the world'll end and it won't matter anyways! And if it doesn't, well, don't come looking to me for child support. I can barely afford my own vaccines and diapers. HAPPY NEW YEAR, SEE YOU IN 2011! (2050 if my time machine works and I decide to murder the future you)

Suck it, 2010 -- let's do this thing!

Your Geekologie Writer

Dec 31 2010 2010 In Review: The Interactive Infographic

This is an interactive guide to 2010 divided into a bunch of different categories. Except this is just a picture of the interactive guide, I didn't actually embed the thing. You're gonna have to follow the link if you wanna click around and get your learn on. I mean, if you're the kind of person that's actually into reminiscing about yesteryear. Me? I've already burnt the shoebox of my past life. I'VE GOT MY EYES ON THE FUTURE PRIZE, YO! Oooooooor the neighbor undressing with his blinds open *banging on window* BIGGER THAN YOU!

2010 A Year In Review [onlineschools]

Thanks to Brandi and Britt, who ritualistically burn the objects that remind them of the past to keep their focus on the future. I smell an apartment fire!

Dec 31 2010 For The Elderly: A Million Volt Taser Cane

The elderly: they're brittle. If a mugger swings a sockful of nickels at one 9 times out of 5 they're gonna break something. Worried about the safety of your pop-pop and meemaw? Get 'em a taser cane. Me? I'm holding out for a flask AND taser cane. I'm tasin' errbody out here!

Steady yourself, light your way and be ready to protect yourself if needed! This ZAP Stun Cane features an adjustable walking cane, an ultra-bright LED flashlight and a stun gun with an unheard of 1-million volt charge that will knock down any attacker. The cane has a weight capacity of 250 lbs and is adjustable from 32" to 36". They'll think it is just a cane until it is too late! It is even rechargeable and includes a wall charger and carrying case.

Note: This item cannot ship to HI, MA, MI, NJ, NY, RI, WI, PA.

If your state appeared in the list above your local government basically hates old people and wants them all to die. Sorry, that's just the facts. Also, I won't ever need a cane because my penis acts as an extra leg. Also, as Hamlet in a local theater production. Classically trained wiener over here!

Product Site
via
Million-volt cane helps you walk while knocking others to the ground [dvice]

Thanks to Mickey91, who once taser-caned a urine puddle in the men's rest room and sent five dudes to the hospital with charred taints and smoldering pubes. LOLWUT?!

Dec 31 2010 So Romantic: Facebook Marriage Proposal

When it comes to proposing marriage to that special someone, I can think of at least ten better ways to do it than Facebook status update. At least eight of which involve wearing a clown mask and jumping out of a linen closet. Still, with society living more and more of their lives online, I can't say I'm surprised. But I can say I'm disappointed. WoW raid proposal or GTFO!

Facebook Marriage Proposal [buzzfeed]
and
Geekologie's Facebook Fanpage

Thanks to Caroline, who wants to be proposed to the old fashioned way: through a marriage arranged by her parents. Wait, what?!?!

Dec 31 2010 From B's To D's: The Chinese Breast Shaker

The Top Charming titty jiggler is supposed to grow breasts by vibrating them to stimulate the blood flow or something. I honestly don't know. What I do know is there's a 5:00 video after the jump that's half titty-twitchin' and half somebody pretending to be a scientist making up a bunch of bullshit about how it actually works. Which, SPOILER: it doesn't. As a man who tries to play with breasts as much as possible, no amount of shaking will make them grow. Two words: get her pregnant. Kidding, totally not worth it.

Hit the jump for 5:12 of boobie-bouncin' WTFery.

Continue Reading " From B's To D's: The Chinese Breast Shaker "

Dec 30 2010 Ten Years Later: The World In 2000 Vs 2010

Note: Don't start the New Year with mandatory LASIK, click HERE to see the full-size graph.

Remember 2000? I don't. I'm pretty sure I spent all of 1999 drinking in an underground bunker waiting for Y2K to wipe out the civilized world, upon which I would rise from my subterranean safehouse and begin my rule as World Emperor. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! That shit went sour real quick. Aaaaaaand I've spent the last 10 years drinking and lamenting yet another life failure. "YOU'RE A LOSER, GW!" Believe me, I know. This is a graph depicting some of the changes in the world in the past 10 years. In case you hate graphs, I'll summarize it for you: we're screwed. Like, royally. If this were a picture it would be a king getting bent over his throne by a jester wearing a party hat and a pair of those '2010' novelty glasses. ZOMG -- not with his own scepter!

2000 Vs. 2010: How the world has changed [io9]

Thanks to Casey, who has really high hopes for 2011. Daaaaw, look at you with your little unjaded view of the future. You must still be young.

Dec 30 2010 NOT UNSEEABLE: Muppets w/ Human Eyes

Hey, I warned you. NOT UNSEEABLE usually means you don't want to see it. Remember that time you climbed on top of the bathroom counter and bent over to peek between your legs and get a closeup of your butt in the mirror? Well it's just like that. Except all these have two eyes. ZA-ZA-ZA-ZING!

Hit the jump for a couple more and a link to the scarring blog.

Continue Reading " NOT UNSEEABLE: Muppets w/ Human Eyes "

Dec 30 2010 Have Fun Burning In Hell, You Jackass: Man Steals Gameboys From Open Casket Funeral

In sad news, a 17-year old died on Christmas after crashing his car into a telephone pole (rest in peace, buddy). Then, at his funeral a few days later, a 37-year old family "friend" decided to steal the Gameboys others had left for the boy in his casket. Who are you to decide if Gameboys go to heaven or not?!

The boy's uncle, Robert McCombs Jr., approached Bennett after Bennett got in his vehicle and was about to drive away. He asked Bennett about a missing Game Boy.

"The defendant told the uncle that he did not have the Game Boy," according to the affidavit of probable cause. "The uncle then told the defendant that he could see the Game Boy inside the vehicle. The defendant then produced the Game Boy and returned it to the uncle."

As that video system was being returned to the casket, family members noticed that a Game Boy Light and three games were missing.

Bennet, according to his aunt, is "into alcohol" and is "just messed up."

Oh yeah? Well Bennet (THE THIEF), according to the Geekologie Writer, is "gonna burn in hell" and "spend eternity getting flaming game cartridges stuffed up his ass with a pitchfork". Just sayin', the devil's gettin' pretty excited about it.

Man Allegedly Steals Game Boys from Teenager's Casket [gawker]
and
Picture

Thanks to ape roc and Agent, who don't steal from the dead for fear of getting molested by ghosts in the their sleep. Smart thinking, guys.

Dec 30 2010 Like A Phoenix From The Ashes!!: Crayon Melter Makes New Crayons From Old Ones

The Crayola Crayon Maker is a $20 E-Z-Bake oven that melts bits and pieces of old crayons into new, shit-brown colored ones.

If you've got kids, you've got crayons. And if you've got crayons, you've probably got a big container of tiny crayon nubs that are even too small for kid fingers. But Crayola themselves now have a way for you to recycle all those worn down bits into new crayons, mixing and mashing whatever colors you like together.

DOES NOT WORK ON ARMY MEN.

Hit the jump for a commercial featuring some special looking kids that probably shouldn't be using a heating element without parent supervision.

Continue Reading " Like A Phoenix From The Ashes!!: Crayon Melter Makes New Crayons From Old Ones "

Dec 30 2010 I'd Rather Not Learn: Korean Robot Teachers

Seen here wondering why a Hermione Granger Weeble-Wobble just stole their souls, a group of South Korean students are exposed to an experimental robot aimed at teaching them English. Or -- OR -- is it aimed at their eyeballs with a laser blaster?

Engkey, a white, egg-shaped robot developed by the Korea Institute of Science of Technology (KIST), began taking classes Monday at 21 elementary schools in the southeastern city of Daegu.

The robots, which display an avatar face of a Caucasian woman, are controlled remotely by teachers of English in the Philippines -- who can see and hear the children via a remote control system.

Cameras detect the Filipino teachers' facial expressions and instantly reflect them on the avatar's face, said Sagong Seong-Dae, a senior scientist at KIST.

"Well-educated, experienced Filipino teachers are far cheaper than their counterparts elsewhere, including South Korea," he told AFP.

So let me get this straight -- Filipino teachers are teaching English to South Korean students via robot. That...sounds complicated. Not unlike the assembly instructions for my new office chair, which is why I'm sitting on a stack of phonebooks. And they said they were obsolete!

S.Korea schools get robot English teachers [yahoonews]

Thanks to Jessica, asdf, Curtis and SaraDevil, who would rather remain uneducated than listen to a robot. I'm with you guys -- my ignorance is bliss!

Dec 30 2010 Scientists Build 1,000 Core Processor, Claim It's 20 Times Faster Than Current Models

Seen here in a GW rendition of what the chip probably looks like, Scottish scientists have built a 1,000-core processor that's 20x faster than those currently on the market, but uses less power. Don't tell Tim "The Toolman" Taylor!

Dr. Wim Vanderbauwhede led a research team at the University of Glasgow to create the futuristic processor using a programmable chip called a field programmable gate array (FPGA).

Instead of the built-in circuitry of conventional desktop computer chips, these processors can be customized. So with some extremely clever programming, the research team was able to divide the processor into 1,000 cores, each capable of its own computation.

According to the Daily Mail, the 1,000-core processor processes 5 gigabytes data per second, and that's "20 times faster than modern computers."

I'm all for faster processors, I just don't know why they quit at 1,000 cores. STOP HOLDING OUT ON US! I want some million-core chips and I want them now! But I will settle for a bag of store-brand Doritos. Get it? Chip joke! Also, I heard he gave Monty a reach-around in the back of their helicopter. Rescue Rangers FTW WTF?!

1,000-Core Chip Could Make PCs 20 Times Faster [mashable]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who, exactly -- shenanigans. And to Sam, who invented a billion-core chip but just hasn't built it yet.

Dec 29 2010 Idiot Moron Hit By Car Playing 'Frogger' IRL

Worst player ever.

Some moron got hit by a car and sent to the hospital after attempting a game of real-life Frogger. Unsurprisingly to those of us who think people are inherently dumb as shit, this is not the first time it's happened. Game over, man!

Authorities said the 23-year-old man was taken to a hospital in Anderson after he was struck at around 9 p.m. Monday.

Before he was hit, police say the man had been discussing the game with his friends.

Chief Jimmy Dixon says the man yelled "go" and darted into oncoming traffic in the four-lane highway.

No charges are expected against the driver.

Sure there are no charges expected for the driver, but what about awards? That driver took a proactive approach to Darwinism and I demand he be rightfully compensated. Unless it was a woman, in which case PAY ATTENTION TO THE ROAD, YOU'RE GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!

Cops: Man playing real-life 'Frogger' hit by SUV [usatoday]

Thanks to JB, who once played a game of real-life Pac-Man and can't even look at dots anymore without puking.

Dec 29 2010 Dr. Who Nesting Doll Set Fits Inside A TARDIS

This is a homemade nesting doll set of all 11 incarnations of Dr. Who that fit neatly inside a TARDIS. That is all. Reminds me of the unpainted nesting doll set I bought a couple years ago. I had every intention of making them all different dinosaurs but as soon as I finished the t-rex *FOOMP!* up my ass it went. You hear that ting-a-linging? He's chasing his Ben-Wa ball around.

Doctor Who Nesting Dolls [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Olive, who nearly choked me to death on a seed I wasn't expecting.

Dec 29 2010 Only The Best And Brightest Here: Geekologie Reader Helps Makes Watergun Flamethrower

Pouring gas in a Super Soaker and adding a flame to the nozzle isn't actually a new idea by any means, but it's still fun to watch. Especially when it was lovingly constructed by Geekologie Readers. *sniff* Sorry, I'm getting a little choked up. You guys just make me so damn proud depressed.

The other day one of my friends told me to come over, saying he wanted to show me "something awesome". What he was making was a wategun full of kerosene with a birthay candle attached to a wire at the front.

None of us died and it worked alot better than we thought it would.

No deaths?! Pfft, and your friend had the gall to claim it was "something awesome"? That's crying wolf if I've ever heard wolf cried! Also, how are you gonna explain the blackened garden shed to your mom when she gets home? Not to mention that poor plant you set ablaze. There was still a little life left in that thing and you took it away *beating on kid's chest* YOU TOOK IT ALL AWAY!

Hit the jump for a 1:00 flamin' hot demo. Great, now I want Cheetos.

Continue Reading " Only The Best And Brightest Here: Geekologie Reader Helps Makes Watergun Flamethrower "

Dec 29 2010 Real Life Magic!: Make Your Own Rorschach Mask With Actually Morphing Designs

I know what you're thinking, but no, that's not a Juggalo. It's a homemade Rorschach mask that actually changes designs when worn. How does it work? Thermochromic paint. I don't even know what that is but now I want my whole bedroom painted with it!

Using Thermochromic paint pigment and clear screen printing base, you can now make an ink blot mask that changes like the character Rorschach from the movie the watchmen. As you breath in and out, the color of the mask changes from black to white wherever the wearer's breath hits it and warms it to a point above 86 degrees F.

The video tutorial is after the jump, along with a couple other videos I found on Youtube of people who've made similar masks. Admittedly, they're pretty awesome. I'm probably gonna make one and use it to rob a bank. "I dunno, it was a guy with a sock over his head -- looked like there might have been a winged devil painted on it. Which -- does that mean I have daddy issues?"

Hit the jump for the videos.

Continue Reading " Real Life Magic!: Make Your Own Rorschach Mask With Actually Morphing Designs "

Dec 29 2010 Hit Me In The Face!: Beer Launching Mini-Fridge Controlled By iPhone App

This is a video of a mini-fridge that's been modded to launch beers when instructed by an iPhone application. You can even choose from four different flavors (as long as they're Budweiser products). What, did I pass out last night and sleep till 2050?!?!

This is the maiden voyage of my mini fridge that now shoots beers via iPhone. It is controlled by an iobridge via a web based iPhone interface and shoots the beers from an air cannon in the housing.

Features:
Vends 4 types of beer
Broadcasts temperature
Adjust temperature via iPhone
Aim via webcam
Auto tweet video per shot
Fire beer with 50psi of deliciousness

It's amazing the ingenuity that goes into building an i-Phone controlled beer-shooting fridge can't manage to take a better quality video. Oh well, I guess not everybody can be perfect like you and I. Ha, did I accidentally include you again? I guess neither one of us is.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile (albeit poor-quality) video.

Continue Reading " Hit Me In The Face!: Beer Launching Mini-Fridge Controlled By iPhone App "

Dec 29 2010 The Future Is Now: Climate-Controlled Clothes

Plus you look cool. Get it -- cool?!

Brad Pitt here is modeling a jacket designed by Kranthi Kiran Vistakula that features a climate-control system that allows the user to maintain a steady temperature regardless of weather. You hear that, Mother Nature? YOU DON'T OWN ME!

ClimaWare apparel can operate for eight hours on a single charge, and the vest (pictured right) weighs the same as a pair of jeans. Vistakula's apparel, which also includes a helmet, neckwrap and jacket, is lined with metal pucks placed at spots on the body where blood vessels are most dense to more efficiently regulate body temperature. The pucks are made of two different metals, so that one heats up, and the other cools down. The resulting energy is transferred to the skin through a thermoelectric lining stitched inside the clothing.

Pretty neat, right? Of course, I've been wearing climate-controlled clothing for years. They're called layers. I usually start with three, and if it gets too hot I take one off. If I get cold I put one back on. And I'm feeling really randy I take them all off and spin my penis like an airplane propeller.

MIT Student's Nanotech Threads Adjust to Any Season [switched]

Thnks to TB-303, who may or may yes be a Roland brand synthesizer.

Dec 28 2010 Cute!: Indiana Jones Characters In Pixel Form

Note: Click HERE for a giant version. I smell a new wallpaper!

That's right, I can write headlines like 'Cute!' because I'm secure in my masculinity. What I'm not secure in is how I look in a bathing suit, so no making fun! :/ These are a bunch pixelated Indiana Jones character "iotacons" from illustrator Andy Rash. And speaking of rashes -- ever seen anything like this before? Last time I sit on a locker-room bench bare-assed!

Top Row: Dr. Marcus Brody, Mr. Katanga, Sallah, Marion Ravenwood, Indiana Jones, The Ark of the Covenant,' Dr. René Belloq, Major Arnold Toht, Colonel Dietrich, Satipo, Major Eaton.

Second Row: Captain Phillip Blumburtt, Shaman, Short Round, Willie Scott, Indiana Jones, Sankara Stone, Mola Ram, Chattar Lal, Little Maharaja, Chief Guard, Lao Che.
Third Row: Grail Knight, Dr. Marcus Brody, Sallah, Professor Henry Jones, Indiana Jones, The Holy Grail, Walter Donavan, Dr. Elsa Schneider, Kazim, General Vogel, Panama Hat
Fourth Row: Dean Charles Stanforth, Professor Oxley, Mutt Williams, Marion Ravenwood, Indiana Jones, Crystal Skull, Irina Spalko, George "Mac" Michale, Dovchenko, Mayan Warrior, Cemetery Warrior

Good job, Andy. Reminds me of the pixel-y graphics from Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis for PC way back in the day (read: 1992). SCUMM games FTW! Don't know what I'm talking about? *shaking head* Oh , uh-oh. Drunk spins initiated -- bathroom floor imminent.

Hit the jump for the mandatory Star Trek/Star Wars characters and a link to Andy's website (with a ton more).

Continue Reading " Cute!: Indiana Jones Characters In Pixel Form "

Dec 28 2010 Quick, Now Run Somebody Through!: Video Camera Taped To The End Of A Sword

Now throw it in the air and try to catch it!

This is a video of a couple LARPers (I assume) swinging a sword (but NOT a two-handed great sword) around that has a video camera taped to the end. Admittedly, the footage is pretty neat to watch, just not as neat as if guy had accidentally cut an arm off. Hmmph, somebody obviously doesn't understand the purpose of Youtube. DAMMIT I SAID HURT YOURSELF, SIR FLAILABOUT!

Hit the jump for a short 1:10 demo.

Continue Reading " Quick, Now Run Somebody Through!: Video Camera Taped To The End Of A Sword "

Dec 28 2010 Kackel Dackel, The 'Pick Up Dog Sh*t' Game

Kackel Dackel is a f***ed up German game that encourages children to feed a plastic dog Play-Doh and then pick up the rainbow turds it craps out (you know how Germans feel about playing with doodie!) Plus the patties are non-toxic, so you can eat them. Alternatively, I'll let you walk my dogs and you can play the real game. Bonus points awarded for catching turds straight out of the butt before they hit the ground! Points deducted if you let my dogs eat stray cat shit and get worms.

Hit the jump for a short 15-second commercial chock-full of WTF'ery.

Continue Reading " Kackel Dackel, The 'Pick Up Dog Sh*t' Game "

Dec 28 2010 Do Sea Urchins Hold The Secret To Never Dulling Blades? (A: Who Cares, Let's Drink)

Knives that never dull: I could stab you forever. I would too is the thing. They say stabbing is typically a crime of passion, and if I'm anything, it's an alcoholic passionate. My lovemakin's off the charts, just sayin'.

After literally decades of research, scientists have figured out how sea urchins can eat their way through rocks while keeping their teeth razor sharp. The secret is how the teeth are constructed: layers of calcite biocrystals held together with calcite nanocement are interspersed with softer layers of organic material, and when the teeth start to get dull on the surface, the top organic layer flakes off, exposing a brand new and freshly sharp layer of calcite. Chew, flake, repeat, and you've got infinitely sharp teeth.

Now that scientists know how the urchins do it, they say that it's at least theoretically possible to create a material with the same properties that could be made into knives and other tools that would sharpen themselves with use.

Don't get me wrong, sea urchin teeth are interesting and all, but you know what's even more interesting? Street urchin teeth. No lie, I walked out of the bar yesterday and there was a bum by the door begging for cigarettes AND I SAW A WORM COME OUT OF HIS TOOTH. It was trying to say something.

Sea urchin tooth tech could make knives that never go dull [dvice]

Dec 28 2010 Camera Captures X-Ray Shot Of Lightning

It's official -- lightning's boneless!

In an attempt to determine where the x-rays in lightning come from, scientists shot wire-toting rockets into thunderclouds and then used an ultra-fast x-ray camera to capture the resulting lightning bolt. That's not actually the x-ray shot there, that's just a plain-ass vanilla lightning picture. Read on and learn, Juggalos!:

Scientists have known for several years that lightning emits radiation...But until now scientists didn't have the technology to take x-ray images quickly enough to see where the radiation comes from...

Because lightning moves blindingly fast, the camera was required to take ten million images per second.

One challenge in taking such fast pictures is storing the data. To do so, the x-ray detector had to take pictures at a relatively low resolution of 30 pixels

Even so, the resolution was sharp enough to reveal a bright ball of x-rays at the head of the bolt, with almost no lingering radiation along the bolt's trail.

That's right folks, all the x-rays travel in the head. What does this mean for science? Jackshit. Besides, God probably sent down special LARPing bolts just to mess with the scientists. I'M GOD, NOBODY SHOOTS ROCKETS AT ME! LIGHTNING BOLT! LIGHTNING BOLT!

Hit the jump for a diagram of what an x-ray lightning picture actually looks like.

Continue Reading " Camera Captures X-Ray Shot Of Lightning "

Dec 28 2010 The Legend Of Zelda's Link To The Past Entire Overworld Recreated In Minecraft

Gamer Roman DeNu went and spent 109 hours creating the overworld from Link to the Past (the Zelda game for Super Nintendo) in Minecraft. I, for one, applaud his efforts (but won't hesitate to make fun of him behind his back).

This is an excellent example of what folks with too much free time and a deep love of classics Nintendo gaming can accomplish in Minecraft. Roman spent 108 hours and 59 minutes (he counted!) building this 512 by 512 by 104 block masterpiece, and he has plans to continue the project with a complete reproduction of the Dark World and all of the buildings, caves, and dungeons from the game.

Awesome! So when it's completed we'll have a much crappier and less functional version of the original game to play! Talk about time well spe-- wait a minute.

Hit the jump for a video tour of the happiest place on earth (Hyrule, yo!).

Continue Reading " The Legend Of Zelda's Link To The Past Entire Overworld Recreated In Minecraft "

Dec 27 2010 New Zealand Military Releases Alien Files

New Zealand has a military?!

After persistent freedom of information requests, the New Zealand military has decided to release more than 2,000 pages of previously confidential files documenting alien/UFO sightings. Mostly by crazy people. An example:

A man who in 1995 met the giant alien with size 440 shoes says the being told him that on dying humans ascend as hydrogen atoms. "You will remain in hydrogen form for 150 years. Then it will change to sodium."

Size 440's, really? *cough* Bullshit *cough* I've seen aliens that wear 350's before, but 440's? Somebody's obviously been spitting their meds out behind the nurse's back. Fun fact: Seattle's Space Needle -- actually a leftover probe. NEVER AGAIN YOU BUG-EYED PERVERTS!

Alien with size 440 shoe among New Zealand UFO sightings [telegraph]
and
New Zealand's UFO files: examples [telegraph]

Thanks to Brittany, who didn't realize I'd gotten up to chug some chocolate milk in the middle of the night and mistook me for an alien when I came back to bed. She beat me till my eyes bled.

Dec 27 2010 'Human Ivory' & Belly Button Lint Art/Jewelry

I'd never heard the term "human ivory" before, and I'm gonna be honest, I'm kind of wishing I still hadn't. In case you couldn't tell from the picture, it's human finger and toenail clippings. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go puke, wash my face and get myself together again, and then puke some more. Kidding, I think this is great. I even bite off and chew my own nails sometimes. "Uh, GW -- have you ever used a microscope to actually see what's under your fingernails before?" Yes -- dead penis cells.

Hit the jump for a couple more examples and a link to Rachel's (the maker's) Etsy store.

Continue Reading " 'Human Ivory' & Belly Button Lint Art/Jewelry "

Dec 27 2010 Bangalore, We Have A Problem: Indian Rocket Explodes Moments After Launch

The Indian Space Research Organisation really is based in Bangalore, I wasn't being funny. Ever actually. One time I thought I was being funny but it turns out everybody was laughing because my pants were torn in the back and my b-hole was peepin'. True story :(

Here's a fiery portrait of India's second failed launch of 2010. The GSAT-5P, launching a new geosynchronous communications satellite, broke up in the first stage and exploded...

According to press accounts, the GSAT-5P rocket developed an error soon after launch and took on too high an angle during launch, causing the vehicle to break up. Back in April, an earlier launch by the state-run Indian Space Research Organization (ISRO) plunged into the Bay of Benghal, due to engine failure.

Damn, two failures in one year? That sucks. I've had engine failure before. Granted nothing blew up, but I did have to ride the bus to work. Yeah, the driver hit something and made me late. Get it?! He hit my privates -- I'm having a boy!

Hit the jump for another shot and a video of the sadness in action.

Continue Reading " Bangalore, We Have A Problem: Indian Rocket Explodes Moments After Launch "

Dec 27 2010 Expensive Crap(!!): Carbon Fiber Toilet Seat

This is a $279 carbon fiber toilet seat. If you actually need a carbon fiber toilet seat I'd go ahead and add "shed some serious lb's" to your list of new year's resolutions. Of course, if you just want one because you're rich and already have everything else, I can and will leave a cliffhanger on the seat when I come to visit.

"You know how fast a little fiber can make you go". "It makes you go faster". We've heard them all! We're proud to offer a genuine carbon fiber toilet seat, made with hand layered carbon fiber around a premolded foam core. Be weary of other less expensive seats that may use a wood core...they are much heavier, which defeats the whole purpose of carbon fiber!

Hoho -- I didn't even think of making any fiber jokes! Let's see here -- fiber, fiber, fiber. Ooooh -- I've got it! One time in middle school a friend brought a can of Metamucil to school and bet anybody they couldn't eat a cupful. Needless to say I won his lunch money that day. Theeeeeeeeen shit my pants in social studies. I tried to play it off but the smell was so bad the girl next to me started puking. Sucks too because I had a crush on her.

Product Site
via
Because You Just Can't Have Enough Carbon Fiber [jalopnik]

Thanks to Jeff79, who buries his waste like a normal person. Uh, Jeff? That's not actually what normal people do. Cats yes, normal people no.

Dec 27 2010 *Click Click Click Click Click Click*: Two Guys Race Across US In Google Street View

This is a sad video of two guys racing across the country from San Francisco to New York entirely in Google Street View (presumably because neither has a license). How long does it take? Try 90 hours and 104,000 clicks. Thank God they sped up the video, amirite?! I'm not, I really hope they release the uncut version. What?! I've got a lot of time on my hands! Just kidding, that's blood.

Hit the jump for 90 hours of racing packing into 1:09.

Continue Reading " *Click Click Click Click Click Click*: Two Guys Race Across US In Google Street View "

Dec 27 2010 Tap Dispenses Beer From The Bottom Up

Yes, yes I 100% am gonna put my mouth on that.

The BottomsUP(!!!!!!!!!11) beer tap is basically a rip off of THIS soda machine. Except instead of dispensing diabetes juice, it dispenses golden happiness. Haha, no not urine you freakazoid.

The idea of pouring beer from the bottom of a glass isn't exactly new, but BottomsUP Beer says that their tap is the world's fastest beer dispensing system (9x as fast as traditional beer taps).

Granted you could argue ALL beer taps fill glasses from the bottom up, which is true, except in space. And that's just because there aren't any kegs in space because NASA has a thing against actually performing worthwhile experiments. For instance: is it true you wouldn't need anybody to hold your legs up to do a keg-stand? No lie, I'm getting pretty tired of having to tape the tap to my face and flip my legs against a wall just to party alone. Also, if you drink beer in space while sitting upright will you never get full since the beer floats in your stomach? Or -- OR -- will it float straight up to your brain and make you even drunker? STOP HIDING THE TRUTH!

Hit the jump for a short video of the magical machine in action.

Continue Reading " Tap Dispenses Beer From The Bottom Up "

Dec 24 2010 HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU AND YOURS!! (From The GW And His Local Liquor Store)

Yes, that's really my local liquor store. Yes, they really open at six every morning. Yes, I've been there when they unlock the door. HAAAAAAAAPPY HOLIDAYS!! Hope you're all having a great break and haven't sleighed(!!!!!!!!11) any relatives yet. I came close to braining a couple of my neighbors with a stein full of mulled wine yesterday but I decided to take the high passive-aggressive road and get back at them by having the loudest sex possible in the middle of the night. THAT'S NO EARTHQUAKE FOLKS, MY HEADBOARD'S ABOUT TO COME THROUGH THE BACK OF YOUR CLOSET! Everybody please be safe this holiday weekend. If I have any down (read: sober, read: HA!) time I'll make a couple posts, otherwise I'll see you bright and early Monday where we'll discuss the new year, resolutions, and the importance of video games to maintaining a healthy, meaningful relationship with your significant other. Merry Christmas --here's to beating the presents out of the Kool-Aid Man when he drops down your chimney breaks in through a basement window tonight!

Happy Holidays,

Your Geekologie Writer

Dec 23 2010 Great, They're Teaching Them Music: Robotic Quadrocopter Playing The Piano

Because roboticists hold nothing sacred (not even baby Jesus!), a team has managed to program a quadrocopter to play 'Jingle Bells' on the keyboard with its little dangling peener. Hey that's how I play too! aside, it's pretty disturbing to see. Also, painful to listen to. I had to watch the damn thing twice just to figure out what song it was trying to perform (if he'd played any slower you'd swear his parents were brother/sisterbots!). And speaking of performing -- what's the secret to being able to get it up at night when you're feeling amorous? NOT drinking a liter of bourbon? Yeaaaaaaah, that's not gonna work for me.

Hit the jump to walk in a robotic wonderland and an equally disturbing video of a quadrocopter "juggling".

Continue Reading " Great, They're Teaching Them Music: Robotic Quadrocopter Playing The Piano "

Dec 23 2010 First Person Shooter In Real Life (FPSIRL)

This is a video from Freddie Wong (the same man behind the fake watermelon shot off the head video) showing what a real first person shooter would look like. Granted it probably could have used some more teabagging, but I'm not complaining. Yes, yes I am. It could have used more teabagging. True story: one time I threw a party and pretended to pass out with my shoes on and just laid there waiting for somebody to start drawing a penis on my face. Nobody did, but my buddy, who I'll call "Dave" (but whose real name is David Jason Barnes of Rockville, Maryland, telephone # (301) 555-8492) eventually tried to teabag me. Little did he know, oh boy, little did he know. I tore his balls off like a rabid dog and then spit them out in the fishtank. We haven't spoken since, but in my mind he sounds like a little lady.

Hit the jump for a very worthwhile 2:00 of pews.

Continue Reading " First Person Shooter In Real Life (FPSIRL) "

Dec 23 2010 Edible Architecture: Frank Lloyd Wright's Iconic 'Fallingwater' As Gingerbread House

Ambitious gingerbread-builders Melodie and Brenton went and created Frank Lloyd Wright's iconic 'Fallingwater' in edible form as their entry in this year's Gingerbread Festival in Orem, Utah. Good looking, guys. I've actually been to see Fallingwater before and I've got to admit, it does look like it was made out candy. Plus I got busted for skinny dipping. haha, crazy acid. FAX AND FIGURES!:

•It took over 12 hours to design

•It took Brenton and I around 40 hours to build and decorate
•There are around 164 different pieces of gingerbread
•It took roughly 12 square feet of gingerbread dough (that's four large batches) to make all the walls, floors and roof
•Over 8 bags of powdered sugar were used to make all the frosting
•It took over 40 sleeves of large Smarties which are used to simulate dry stack stone on the building exterior
•The river and water fall are made up of three batches of hard candy

Sadly, Fallingicing didn't take first prize in the contest, as it was beat off by a stranger in the back of the bus out by 'Candyland Carnival' (picture after the jump), which may or may yes look like Santa vomited up part of his intestines. Mmmm, fat people guts. Don't even act like the French don't eat that shit as a delicacy!

Hit the jump for a bunch more pics and a shot of the house that beat Fallingwater.

Continue Reading " Edible Architecture: Frank Lloyd Wright's Iconic 'Fallingwater' As Gingerbread House "

Dec 23 2010 The Minecraft USS Enterprise Takes Shape

Remember the guy that was building a full-scale USS Enterprise in Minecraft? Well he's made a lot of progress, and this is the video tour to prove it. Unfortunately, Captain Toomuchfreetime DECIDED TO SET THE VIDEO TO MILEY CYRUS'S 'PARTY IN THE USA' AND TRAIN'S 'HEY, SOUL SISTER", officially making him the virginest virgin to ever exist and sending me into an inconsolable fit of rage. Did you hear that? It was the entire crew of the Enterprise setting their phasers from 'STUN' to 'TORTURE AND KILL SLOWLY'. On the count of three!

UPDATE: Apparently not the same guy as ship as before. Different, smaller ship. God I'm so embarrassed.

Hit the jump for a 7:00 tour (mute volume).

Continue Reading " The Minecraft USS Enterprise Takes Shape "

Dec 23 2010 Whatever You Do, Do NOT Add A Magic Hat: Jabba The Snowman

Based on everything else in the picture, I'm guessing this photo's about 40 years old. Except -- EXCEPT -- Star Wars wasn't even a sperm in George Lucas's ballsack back then. Also, that late-model Pontiac Grand Am. Great getaway car. No, no it's not. They are great for putting a body in the trunk and driving into the river though. *whistling* We should dye snowballs red and try to knock Jabba's head off with them. Ooooooor start pounding bourbon and eggnogs by the hearth until we pass out, sloop out of our chairs and catch fire. You know, Christmas tradition stuff.

Jabba the Snowman [geeksofdoom]

Thanks to Melissa, who's actually seen a snowman come alive and can attest it's not as pretty as the song would have you believe (he tried to eat a dog and then got hit by bus).

Dec 23 2010 Intersection Of Mulder Ave And Scully Way

Weird, I always thought those two would intersect in a graveyard. Get it? Because they're freaky and probably host ghost orgies and shit. I'm thinking Eyes Wide Shut, but with more chain rattling and proton-packs. Damn ya'll triple X-Files peeps be krinky!

X Marks The Spot of the Day [thedailywh.at]
and
Address On Google Maps (in Ottawa, Canada)

Dec 23 2010 Congratulations, Get Back To Work: Scientists Find Rudolph The Red-Nosed Blood Vessel

Because scientists don't really have anything better to do than look at pictures of things and conjecture what other things they look like (do clouds next!), a group has recently discovered Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer's likeness in a brain blood vessel. Remind me again how this is gonna cure cancer?

Researchers at Newcastle University were studying the inner workings of neurons in the hippocampal region of the brain and when they looked at the image they were stunned by the find.

The picture looks like a reindeer with antlers flying through the starry sky. Even its eye and tail are visible.

The blob for a nose happened by chance when the experts were labelling the image. They then overexposed the image to make it show up red.

"We got distracted from the science at that point and had a bit of fun with the pictures of Rudolph instead.

"It may not be very valuable scientifically but it looks nice on the eye."

You know what else looks good on the eye? Flies. Just kidding, that's disgusting and I don't even know why I said it. But seriously, you know what I found most surprising about this image? That the brain researchers that took it still have jobs. TELEKINESIS OR GTFO!

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer image found in brain blood vessel [mirror]

Thanks to Rodney, who fell off his bike in the rain and skinned his knee in the shape of the Easter Bunny. But did you hear him making a big stink about it? No. He was too busy crying and developing a complex because his mom yelled at him for wrecking his bike. Wow, that got depressing fast.

Dec 22 2010 I Still Want One: Worst Knock-Off Phone Ever

This is knock-off phone whose logo was made to resemble OPPO's. Which it does, loosely. But it also spells poop. So that, combined with the phone's model name, makes it the Poop Love. *brainstorming advertising campaign*

The Poop Love: dropping dueces, not calls.

Nailed it!

Presenting The Poop Phone [crunchgear]
via
The worst name for a knockoff cellphone, ever [engadget]

Thanks to Zeke, who once broke up with a girl after finding out she carried around a Snot Love. A booger eater? Gross!

Dec 22 2010 How Video Game Designers Pick Characters

That's not true, I can list dozens of games with complex female characters. Take Princess Zelda for example. She counts, right? Plus her boobs aren't even that big. I mean in my dreams they're like double-Z's, but in the games she's probably a B-cup. And you know what? I'm cool with that. Granted not as cool as if she had to cart them around in a wheelbarrow, but still. And what about Samus Aran? I thought she was a dude the whole first game! And with the exception of when she's rocking the Zero Suit, her boobs are hidden behind a formless adamantium plate! (I'm just making shit up now). And who could forget those big-tittied wenches you had to have sex with to gain orbs in God of War? *daydreaming* What were talking about again?

How Video Game Makers Design Characters [jezebel]

Thanks to Shenanigans at least one of which would like to see more wiener in games. Hey I'm with you.

Dec 22 2010 Velociraptor Awareness Bumper Stickers

Geekologie's illustrator in residence Jesse Starr created these velociraptor awareness bumper stickers to remind motorists to share the road with our reptilian brethren. Because you never know, that could have been one of my illegitimate dino-babies you just ran over. The full-size bumper stickers are $4.75 and available over at Daily Stickers (gosh, I hope they have scratch & sniffs!) Get one and show your support for dinos. It's already bad enough our cars run on the creamy black remains of their ancestors. Why do you think all the dinosaurs were so angry in Jurassic Park? Because the park rangers tied rope around their balls like rodeo bulls, silly!

Product Site
and
Jesse's Facebook

Dec 22 2010 CoD: Black Ops Passes $1 Billion In Sales

That's billion with a B, not M. That would make it a million, which is far less impressive, but still more than I could ever make in a lifetime. *doing the math* Three lifetimes.

That performance built on the previous benchmark of $650 million of sales in the game's first five days, which set a five-day global record for a movie, book or videogame, the company said.

"In all of entertainment, only 'Call of Duty' and 'Avatar' have ever achieved the billion dollar revenue milestone this quickly," Activision Chief Executive Officer Bobby Kotick said in a statement, referring to the blockbuster alien epic helmed by James Cameron.

Despite a strong November, research group NPD estimates that overall sales of gaming hardware and software for 2010 are likely to range from $18.8 billion to $19.6 billion, the top of which would be roughly flat with last year.

I'm not allowed to play Black Ops on account of my legal guardian claiming the violence is too lifelike, but I did apply to the CIA's Special Activities Division for a chance to get involved in the real deal. Unfortunately, I was disqualified during the colors test. Admit it -- YOU PURPOSEFULLY MADE THOSE OPS LOOK PURPLE JUST TO TRICK ME!

"Call of Duty: Black Ops" sets record for Activision [yahoonews]

Dec 22 2010 The Periodic Table Printed On A Human Hair

Well at least they're claiming it's a human hair, but it looks more like cat fur if you ask me. Just kidding, totally a pube.

Created by the nerds -- excuse me, experts -- at the University of Nottingham's Nanotechnology and Nanoscience Centre, the hair was etched using focused ion beams. How tiny is it? So tiny that it could be copied onto a post-it note well over a million times with room to spare.

Don't get me wrong, that's impressive and all, but who needs the periodic table printed on their hair? I mean fingernail sure, that's just being practical.

Hit the jump for some nutty batshit-crazy professor getting all exited about the periodic pube because they made it for his birthday.

Continue Reading " The Periodic Table Printed On A Human Hair "

Dec 22 2010 Smart: Hanging Christmas Tree Mobiles

These are Christmas trees made entirely from hanging ornaments in the style of a mobile home. Except they're not actually trees, just the shapes of trees. Provided trees are fairly uniform cones. And speaking of cones: ice cream -- I could really go for some right now. Maybe a little whipped cream and Magic Shell on top -- mmmmmm. I really like these trees. Wanna know why? They're earth friendly There's no tree trunk. And if there's no trunk there's more room for presents underneath. Sure the poor bastard in the picture only got four, but I also heard he cut a woman with child off to get on an elevator first. What are those people calls? Right -- assholes. I hope the big box is an explosion.

Christmas Tree Mobile Made Using Suspended Bulb Ornaments [laughingsquid]

Thanks to Jeanie, who's in a bottle, gotta rub her the right way. (See what I did there? I'm really ashamed about it).

Dec 21 2010 TIME TO CHANGE THE HISTORY BOOKS: T-Rex, Raptor Relatives Were Plant Eaters

Jurassic Park better change their lunch menu.

In a report that shouldn't surprise anybody who's traveled back in time to have sex with them, numerous species of dinosaurs previously thought to be carnivorous may, in fact, have been herbivorous. Pfft, like I haven't seduced a coelurosaur with a veggie-wrap before.

Lindsay Zanno and Peter Makovicky of the Field Museum in Chicago used statistical analysis to conclude that 90 species of theropod dinosaurs ate a plant-based diet, especially among coelurosaurs, the most bird-like dinosaurs.

Through their analysis, the researchers found that 44 theropod species distributed across six major lineages ate plants and that the ancestor to most feathered dinosaurs and modern birds had probably already stopped eating meat only during the Cretaceous Period, some 145 million to 65 million years ago.

In light of the large number of plant eaters during that period, the carnivorous diet of T Rex, Velociraptor and other meat-eating coelurosaurs should be viewed "more as the exception than the rule," Dr Zanno said.

"It's time to start seeing these animals in a new evolutionary context," Dr Zanno said.

Not only is it time to start seeing these animals in a new evolutionary context, it's time to start seeing them naked in my bed. YOU BETTER BRING AT LEAST ONE THIS YEAR, FAT MAN!

US paleontologists say most bird-like dinosaurs ate plants [theaustralian]

Thanks to Peter, who takes everything these "scientists" say with a grain of salt. Also, the rest of the salt and the margarita it came with.

Dec 21 2010 Paying In Blood: The Credit Card Knife

The credit card knife is a nonfunctional credit card that can fold into a weapon to stab someone and/or open annoying clamshell packaging. Just don't lose a finger! Lose two. Fun fact: I've never dated a girl with more than eight fingers. Haha, I've never actually dated a girl -- only women. Just kidding, I'm gonna die sad and alone. And, knowing my luck, with my penis in the vacuum.

It weighs just 13 grams, is only 2mm thick and features a stainless steel blade with a healthy 65mm cutting edge and a short serrated edge on the opposite side. When folded away a built-in sheath prevents you from accidentally touching the sharp blade.

They go on sale next month for $23, which I think we can all agree is a small price to pay to be able to, uh, carry a knife in your wallet? I really have no idea. Me? I just carry a little Swiss Army around in my pocket. Literally, there's like a 100,000 tiny men in there tickling my balls. Somebody fire off a tank!

Hit the jump for a 13-second video showing how the knife is folded.

Continue Reading " Paying In Blood: The Credit Card Knife "

Dec 21 2010 Santa's Not Amused: Gingerbread Crackhouse

You better be careful visiting that house, Santa, because they will mistake your fat ass dropping down the chimney for the popo and stab you to death. God only knows what they'll do with the reindeer, but my guess is try to ride them like carousel horses until they all get their eyes gouged out and/or fall off the roof. You better put that shit on Youtube, elves!

Jane Hansen's Flickr
via
Gingerbread Crack House [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Josh, who agrees they really captured the essence of a penis spray-painted on the side of a building (and he should know -- his apartment building has over a dozen).

Dec 21 2010 Get In There And Bake Me Some Shrooms!: Super Mario Character Kitchen Aprons

Baking: I'm not good at it. Wake-n-baking: I'm an allstar. But when I am doing some actual cooking I usually only cover myself with enough to protect my johnson from any scalding oil (typically a game-worn NBA athletic sock I've pre-stretched over a milk jug). But that's me. Maybe you want a Super Mario apron. Thankfully, Bethany Sew-&-Sew has you covered....with fabric!!!!!!!!1111 You have to contact her to actually get one made, but they each go for around $35 with $5 shipping. Plus you can get child sizes ($20) so your children can share in the baking fun! Don't have any children? Tie them to your cats! Don't have any cats? Steal a neighbor's! Don't have any neighbors? Move out of the woods before you're f***ed by a bear, crazy!

Bethany's Website (with a bunch of other superhero aprons as well)
via
Custom Kitchenwear of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Dec 21 2010 Another Day, Another Christmas Snowflake

Combining the undeniable sensuality of Predator with the holiday spirit of Star Wars and Cylon paper snowflakes, comes this Predatory snowflake from Geekologie Reader Luluhime (who didn't so much send a tip as post a link on the last snowflake article that I just so happened to spot while deleting fake handbag spam). Feeling inspired to make your own? Do it. Then host the picture and send me a link. If I don't get too lazy or drunk between now and Christmas I'll post a gallery of all the snowflake robots, dinosaurs and penises you guys made. Then you can brag to your friends that something you created was on Geekologie, and they'll be all, "NO WAY! I'M SO FREAKIN' JEALOUS -- THAT'S MY FAVORITE WEBSITE! WTF'S A GEEKO-LOOGIE?"

Hit the jump for a bonus Stormtrooper flake she made.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Christmas Snowflake "

Dec 21 2010 Cow Grows Unicorn Horn, Dubbed 'Unicow'

LEARN HOW TO COUNT CORNS, PEOPLE -- THERE'S NOTHING UNI ABOUT THAT HEIFER!

Apparently a Chinese cow has grown a big-ass horn in the middle of its head (not unlike this woman), leading some people to mistakenly call it a unicorn. Too bad, oh I don't know -- UNICORNS DON'T COME FROM COWS, MORONS! Milk and hamburgers, yes; unicorns, no.

Farmer Jia Kebing noticed a small bump on this cow's forehead when it was born two years ago but didn't expect it to grow into a 20cm (8in) horn.

'My farm is famous in this region for this cow and people come in here just to see it,' said Mr Jia from Baoding in nothern China's Hebei province.

Jesus, what have you been feeding that thing, Jia -- power plant runoff? I'm not sure what farming manual you read, but that is NOT how you raise Kobe beef. Wait -- WHY ARE YOU HOLDING THAT BULL'S PENIS? Lemoonade?! That's it, I'm calling your mom.

Unicorn cow becomes tourist attraction [metro]

Thanks to Romeo, who used to have a chicken until it grew a foot on its head. Then he had chicken nuggets.

Dec 21 2010 Fire! Destruction! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!: Slow Motion Video Of An X-Box Exploding

This is 0:22 video of an X-Box exploding in slow motion. *sniffle* Sorry -- it's just so beautiful.

From Dan Saelinger:

I was recently brought on by Armin Harris for a job with Fortune Magazine. The story was about console gaming's demise. We came up with a concept to incorporate still and video footage of exploding consoles and controllers, particularly Xbox 360′s, for the story. The shoot took place at a pyrotechnics studio in Brooklyn called J and M Special Effects. The location was great because they have a permanent NYC explosives permit as well as a pyrotechnician on staff. Below is a behind the scenes video of the initial set up.

CONSOLE GAMING WILL NEVER DIE! aside, I love how the hard drive doesn't really go anywhere, it just kinda hovers in space for a second before SPOILER ALERT: aliens come and tractor-beam it aboard their ship and make off with all your saved-game data. Okay, so maybe that didn't happen. Would've been a lot cooler if it did though!

Watch and be amazed. Oooooooor pissed people are blowing up X-Boxes when you don't eve have one.

Continue Reading " Fire! Destruction! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!: Slow Motion Video Of An X-Box Exploding "

Dec 21 2010 Time Lapse Of Last Night's Lunar Eclipse

Seen here set ablaze after some space-camper failed to extinguish their lunar fire, the moon was in rare form last night during the eclipse. Sadly, despite the spectacular show the man in the moon did NOT score any dates, which explains why he was masturbating when I woke up this morning. YOU BETTER PUT THAT THING AWAY BEFORE THE SUN SEES!

Shooting from Gainesville, Florida, William Castleman created the above time-lapse video of last night's eclipse, condensing the lunar action from 1:10 AM EST to 5:03 AM EST into 2 minutes.

Wow, four hours of action packed into two minutes -- that's how I live my life. My sex life. Just kidding, that's 10-minutes of action packed into 30-seconds packed into a stuffed animal dinosaur. I'll give you a minute to cool off.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " Time Lapse Of Last Night's Lunar Eclipse "

Dec 20 2010 British ISP's To Block Pr0n Sites As 'Default'?

Seen here dozing off into his newspaper after a long afternoon of browsing nudie shows on Live Jasmine (pay me) at his local Apple store, an old British man may no longer be able to get his pr0n fix at home without first contacting his ISP and requesting access to adult sites. LISTEN YOU YOU NAMBIE PAMBIES, I WANT THEM AND I WANT THEM NOW -- MY HEART COULD GO ANY SE...
...
...
...Haha, I'm still here. But seriously, cut the boob tubes back on already -- Gramps just took a handful of the blue and I'm already feelin' it. Literally -- while I talk to you.

In a move that smacks of the draconian Internet laws in place in countries like Australia, the UK government has plans to ask ISPs to block all pornography from home Internet connections by default, it's reported today. Under the plan, customers would have to ask the ISP for access to pornography.

The Sunday Times reports that the UK's largest ISPs will be called to a meeting next month to discuss the idea, which is being presented as a way of stopping children from accessing porn.

Not knowing that blonde Slythrin twink ruled Australia's internet aside (you should've elected a Hufflepuff!), this sounds like a pretty crappy idea. Sure you can take the internet out of pr0n, but can you really take pr0n out of the internet? You can't -- it's what it was invented for. *high-five, Al!*

All Internet porn "To be blocked" in the UK UK Internet Porn Block Plan [thenextweb]

Thanks to Bender, who doesn't need the internet, only booze. Lucky! I need both.

Dec 20 2010 The Opposite Of Merry: Cylon Snowflakes

Remember those Star Wars snowflakes Geekologie Reader Dave made for the holidays? Well here's a Cylon version Geekologie Reader Pixel made. As you can see, it looks pretty good. Pixel's photography? Not so much.

Hit the link to Pixels' website for a template you can use to make your own. Or freeball it and end up with a turd, I don't care.

As Promised: Cylon Snowflakes, Merry Christmas So Say We All [pixelsreview]

Thanks Pixels, I didn't really mean what I said about the whole photography thing. Yes I did too and I hope you take it to heart! Just kidding. No but seriously.

Dec 20 2010 We're All Gonna Die!: Winter Solstice/Lunar Eclipse Coincide For 1st Time In 400 Years

The Mayans had it all wrong! The apocalypse doesn't start in 2012, it starts in the 12th month of 2010. START DRINKING HARD AND FAST FOLKS, THE WORLD ENDS TONIGHT!*

For the first time in nearly 400 years the lunar eclipse coincides with the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year. In addition, both sun and eclipsed moon will briefly be visible above the horizon - cloud cover permitting - in an unusual event called a selenehelion.

The alignment will cause the full moon to appear much dimmer than usual, but sunlight passing through the Earth's atmosphere will give the lunar surface a deep reddish hue at dawn.

Interesting. But what's even more interesting is that alien spacecraft to the left of the moon in the picture. Try explaining that one away, government! "Dust on the lens." OH F*** YOU!

*Please note: if the world doesn't blow up tonight I'll be editing this post tomorrow to reflect how I knew it wasn't going to and how I just wanted an excuse to drink in excess. Ha -- like I need an excuse!

Lunar eclipse and winter solstice to coincide for first time in 372 years [guardian]

Thanks to cocoa, who controls the sun, moon AND stars and once lined them all up to spell 'WIENERS'. I remember that!

Dec 20 2010 New Year's Resolution, START EXERCISING: 'Athlete', The Running, Jumping Robot

There are creepy pictures, and then there's the picture above. Introducing 'Athlete', the running, jumping robot. Which -- when was the last time you went for a jog again? Because now might be a good time to dust off the Umbros and cross-trainers and hit the sidewalk. Me? I hate exercise so I'm just gonna wait till the robot apocalypse begins and then hit the sidewalk. From twelve stories. Just kidding, I'll totally save you all.

The secret to Athlete is that unlike most every other android out there which uses rotational-joints driven by motors to drive its limbs, Athlete uses air-motors that mimic human muscles. And when we say mimic, we really mean mimic--right down to the muscle pairs in human legs, with roughly the same range of motion. The air motors are also proportional, rather than on-off, so they have a degree of control over the robot's legs that's very close to the way your muscles contract to swing your legs around.

Apparently clumsybot here can only take four steps before faceplanting, but what a quick four steps they are. Unfortunately, the scientists expect to have Athlete up and running(!) long distances in no time. And speaking of long distance relationships: they're hard. Guess how far apart my current lover and I live. 100-million years. It isn't easy!

Hit the jump for a video demonstration of the last thing you'll ever run from (skip to 1:20 for the action).

Continue Reading " New Year's Resolution, START EXERCISING: 'Athlete', The Running, Jumping Robot "

Dec 20 2010 OMG -- He's Not A Real Dino!: Yoshi Mech

Didn't see that one coming. And to think I used to have a crush on the little guy! Just goes to show, you never know what a potential lover is hiding on the inside. Granted it's usually a penis taped between her buttcheeks, but in this case it's a bunch of gears and an even tinier mechanical Yoshi. Gaaaaah, I can't decide which is worse but I'm leaning towards not the penis thing!

Kodakoala's Flickr (with a bunch more angles and closeups)
via
Custom Yoshi Mech by Donald "KodyKoala" Kennedy [tinycartridge]

Thanks to raficus and Blaqk Panda, who would rather ride on the short bus.

Dec 20 2010 Yes, Of Course: iPad Games For Cats

Because the crazy cat-lady is a rarely tapped video game demographic, a company has developed an iPad game designed specifically for cats. You, uh, do know crazy cat-ladies still connect to the internet through AOL and have no idea what iTunes is, right? Besides, Angry Birds already exists. Get it? Because cats eat birds to make their shit smell like f***ing death!

Game For Cats has a title that's about as literal as they come. It's a game. For cats.

It's nothing fancy -- just a few variations of "something is moving quickly around the screen" -- but that's simple enough for a cat. Because remember: this game is not for humans. It's for cats.

Oh reaaaaaally? If it's just for cats then how have I been playing for the past hour? "Works for simpletons too." SHINY SHIRT BUTTONS ARE SHINY!

Hit the jump for a short video of the gadget scratching in action and a link to the FREE! download.

Continue Reading " Yes, Of Course: iPad Games For Cats "

Dec 20 2010 Predator Like You've Never Seen Him Before

The only GOOD kind of sexual predator.

Note: Full-res version HERE in case you want to print some out and send them as Christmas cards.

Hey, I didn't say it was anything you were gonna be happy about seeing, I just said you probably haven't seen a Predator like this before. So dreamy. I love the mottled skin, reminds me of all my friends at the old-folks home. Ha, did I say friends? I meant free lunch tickets. HAND OVER THE PUDDING GRANDMA OR IT'S A PILLOW TO THE FACE! Whoa whoa whoa -- you actually want me to smother you? Wow, that was so depressing I might actually need to sit down. You really dropped a bomb on me there, lady.

The Sexual Predator by Marco Mazzoni [cghub]

Thanks to Turbo The Mechanical Ape, who better stop beating those cymbals together before I tear his wind-up key off.

Dec 20 2010 Clean Feet Are Overrated: Sticker Shoes

You know what the worst thing about shoes are? The laces. They make everything so difficult. Just this weekend I was tying my Pumas (product plug, pay me) before taking the dogs for a walk and wound up hanging myself. This is my ghost writer. Now I know what you're thinking, "Jesus, GW, WTF is wrong with you?! just use Velcro, dummy." And maybe you're cool looking like a total spaz, but I'm not. I'm suave and debonair like James Bond wishes he was. Isn't that right, James? OH -- I spot a clip-on tie! Haha, yeah it's mine. But seriously, could you tell?

Created by Dutch designer Frieke Severs as a concept for Nike, the Footstickers attach themselves to your feet like a second skin, providing grip, protection, and support.

These foot stickers let you keep that barefoot feeling, while providing a little added grip in the critical areas.

While admittedly probably great for huffing, I'm worried that the adhesive necessary to keep sticker shoes attached to your foot all day might rip a toe off when you try removing them. Because one time I tried yanking a really sticky Band-Aid off my finger and it took the whole arm off. Huh? I'M NOT A LEPER YOU'RE A LEPER. And a social pariah. Face!

Hit the jump for two more shots of the your feet are going to look disgusting.

Continue Reading " Clean Feet Are Overrated: Sticker Shoes "

Dec 17 2010 U.S. Video Game Consoles Consume As Much Electricity As San Diego

That background is the same color as my bathroom, no lie.

According to a recent study, the 63 million PS3, XBox and Wii video game consoles in the US consume as much energy (EXCLUDING the required television) yearly as the entire city of San Diego. Is that a lot? I have no idea. I know a zillion is a lot.

EPRI [Electric Power Research Institute] said if the heaviest gamer plays about six hours a day over a year -- a figure found by Nielsen Co. in 2006 -- then his Wii would consume 29 kilowatt-hours, his Playstation 178 kWh, and his Xbox 360 184 kWh. A plasma TV, by comparison, averages 242 kWh a year.

That makes gaming a formidable energy user. U.S. homes have about 63 million video game consoles, and together they use about as much energy as San Diego does in a year, according to a 2008 study by the Natural Resources Defense Council.

Much of the energy use isn't even from playing video games, according to NRDC -- it's from the idling that goes on after the gamer has left the room. The group said idling uses about as much energy as playing.

If gamers turned off their systems when they finished playing, and if manufacturers made systems that turned themselves off when inactive, consumers would save $1 billion a year in utility bills, NRDC said.

Interesting, so Wii's use next to no energy compared to Playstations and Xbox's. No wonder they're so weak. Blah blah blah I have an eye appointment at 3:15 and then I'm off to get drunk for the night and kill some giant-ass sharks with my bare body. WHO'S COMING WITH ME?!

Video Gamers Use as Much Energy as San Diego [scientificamerican]

Thanks to Melissa, who has a zero-carbon footprint because she steals all her power from neighbors. God you're green.

Dec 17 2010 Sadly A Real Book: 'Farmville For Dummies'

Really? I thought it was for idiot-morons.

I unfriended and blocked everyone on my Facebook buddy-list that plays that shit a long time ago. It was like 200 people. What?! I know a lot of moms!

Amazon Product Site
via
Things That Are Real of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Nick, who left Mafia Wars for Farmville and made a New Year's resolution to leave Farmville for living a real f***ing life. I'm holding you to it, Nick.

Dec 17 2010 THE FUTURE IS NOW: iPhone App Provides Instant Video Translations Of Foreign Signs

Word Lens is a $5 iPhone app that provides a streaming translation of whatever you're pointing your phone at (i.e. road signs, menus, etc). It's pretty much the technology of the future because, let's not kid ourselves, no child born after 2000 will bother learning any language but text-talk. Isn't that right you little dipshits?!

At the moment, the app only translates words from Spanish to English and vice-versa. Imagine how language barriers will crumble when we get Chinese, French and German to English.

There's a video demo of the technology after the jump that looks pretty amazing provided it's real and not all smoke and mirrors. And speaking of smoke and mirrors -- meth and coke, amirite?! No, I'm not -- drugs are bad. Except alcohol, which shouldn't even be considered a drug as much as it should be added to the bottom of the food pyramid. *ahem* FDA. YOU APPROVED BONER PILLS!

Hit the jump for a 1:00 demo.

Continue Reading " THE FUTURE IS NOW: iPhone App Provides Instant Video Translations Of Foreign Signs "

Dec 17 2010 Armored Safehouses For Zombie Apocalypse

This is a zombie-proof armored "home" made from recycled ship steel by Atelier Van Lieshout. It's striking resemblance to my neighbor's pedovan aside, I don't know if I could actually live in one. Sure it's got a toilet, wood stove and bench, but you know what else it has? An entrance that looks a little too easy to lock from the outside. I mean, what good is a safehouse that somebody else can lock you in? No good at all! As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even call that a safehouse, just a place to masturbate until you starve to death. No thanks, Atelier! (I still loved you in Assassin's Creed though)

Hit the jump for a shot of the cozy interior.

Continue Reading " Armored Safehouses For Zombie Apocalypse "

Dec 17 2010 A Gallery For The Ladies: DC Comics Jewelry

This is a gallery of a bunch of bling created by jeweler nOir for DC Comics. That's the Gotham City ring there, but there's a ton of other stuff after the jump. They've got all sorts of rings, bracelets and necklaces and prices range from ~$50 to several hundred depending on the piece. No, I'm not getting paid to post this. Most of it blows. See? Just kidding, it's actually alright, particularly the Catwoman and Wonder Woman stuff. The Supergirl stuff sucks though but I'm pretty sure Shaq just bought it all anyways so no biggie.

Hit the jump for 16 more pieces from the collections in this order: Batgirl, Catwoman, Supergirl and Wonder Woman. Oh, plus a bonus t-rex ring they make that it's not too late to buy me for Christmas.

Continue Reading " A Gallery For The Ladies: DC Comics Jewelry "

Dec 17 2010 The 'Just Been Attacked By A Zombie' Hoodie

This is a $60 hoodie from ThinkGeek that makes it look like you've just been attacked by a zombie and your brain's falling out the back of your head. The blood and slash effects aren't too realistic, but it's probably for the best since you don't actually want anybody calling the cops because, let's be honest, you've been drinking.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the carnage and a link to the product page.

Continue Reading " The 'Just Been Attacked By A Zombie' Hoodie "

Dec 17 2010 DO NOT LIKE: Terminator-800 LEGO Bust

Terminators are some of the scariest kind of robots. They shape shift, can look like humans, and are hard as hell to kill. That's way no bueno. Plus there's a bunch of them. Can you imagine if the future had regularly sent back more than one? We'd be long gone! You'd be beating one in the face with a shovel when another one sneaks up from behind and HELLO! -- you're getting violated. Thanks but no thanks, T, that's for my lover and family physician only! Anyway, this is a LEGO Terminator bust (different from this one) designed and built by Martin Latta. From a LEGO-building standpoint, it's amazing. From an oh God please don't kill me standpoint I just soiled myself and punched through my computer monitor. Thank goodness I've memorized how to use my computer without looking! Open > iTunes > Play 'Jurassic Park soundtrack'. http://www.google.com "dinosaur erotica". Wait -- am I back in the right window?

Hit the jump for several more shots, including some with his eyes lit up. Yipes!

Continue Reading " DO NOT LIKE: Terminator-800 LEGO Bust "

Dec 17 2010 Drunk Man Kills Shark By Jumping On Head

Dragan Stevic (who you can probably already tell is a badass because his name's pronounced f***in' DRAGON), a wasted Serbian tourist (is there any other way to vacation?!) at Egypt's Sharm el-Sheikh managed to take down a shark that had already killed one person and injured four others in the seaside tourist town by landing on it after drunkenly throwing himself off a high-dive. OMG -- PLEASE tell me you teach classes in heroism!

"Dragan climbed on the jumping board, told me to hold his beer and simply ran to jump. There was no time for me to react or to try to stop him, he just went for it"..."Dragan jumped high and plunged down to the sea, but didn't make as much splash as we thought he would"...

The reason could be because Dragan Stevic ended up jumping straight on the shark which was lurking near the beach, probably looking for its next victim. Dragan had nailed it right in the head, killing it instantly. The Egyptian police found the shark washed out on the beach that morning (pictured above).

At the moment, the fearless hero is in a hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning. After Dragan gets well, he will get a chance to have some more drinks as the resort had awarded the Serb tourist with a free vacation for his heroic deed.

*tearing Harry Potter poster off wall* Sorry Hair, but somebody's got a new favorite hero. Yeah, a real one. Plus his name rhymes with Dragon. Powers? He doesn't need any, he just gets shitcanned all the time. *GW's eyes turn into little hearts*

Sharks Wary of Drunk Serbs [mina]

Thanks to clarazinet and derzulu, who both know the best way to dispatch a shark is a well-placed blow on the nose.

Dec 16 2010 Hero No More (Did Dr. Wily Die?): Mega Man's Power Washing And Lift Service

What exactly is a lift service? Is that like a tow truck? Because I do need my neighbor's pedo-van towed again. Still, interesting business combo you've got there, Mega Man. But why only Canadian water? You know you're hurting business by not offering any imported options, right? Because I only get my driveway sprayed with ancient Antarctic glacier water. Besides, that Canadian water Mega Man's shooting doesn't even look like clean. It looks...milky. See where I'm going with this? I peed in the coffee pot in your break room!

Mega Man Only Uses Canadian Water [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Rygar, who may or may yes run a yo-yo repair shop and salon.

Dec 16 2010 Explore Human Anatomy With Google Body

Eat a cheeseburger!

More like Google Booty, amirite?! Get it? Because everybody always goes straight for the butt! No? Just me? Liars.

The Body Browser is a 3D model of the human anatomy that includes various layers, such as the circulatory and nervous systems and the skeleton and muscles. You can go in nice and close or view the whole shebang from afar.

Wow, did I really just spend twenty minutes exploring human genitalia? You bet your sweet ass I did! My own. Does that make me a pervert, or reproductive health professional? Wiener doc? I'll take it!

Hit the jump for a video tour.

Continue Reading " Explore Human Anatomy With Google Body "

Dec 16 2010 Another Christmas, Another Game You Can Play Using Programmed Christmas Lights Stapled To The Garage Door Of Your House

Remember last year's 'Christmas Lights Hero' game? Well the same maker of that game developed a different one this year, entitled 'Snowball Blaster'. Which, unlike 'Snowbank Melter', isn't played with your penis. You do get to sit in one of those little rides from outside the grocery store though!

The Christmas Light video game - Snowball Blaster! Hop in Santa's electric training sled and grab the game controller for an adventure in snowball dodging. Press the left button to move left and the right to move right. Make it past all the snowballs for a big light show!

Snowball Blaster has 128 channels of Light-o-rama controlled by a PC. The game logic is running on a Basic Stamp which accepts inputs from the player switches and controls the Red Arrows with solid state relays.

The game is designed around the limitation of having very few positions to light up. The timing of when they light up is more versatile, so that's where the game lives. It's easy to learn, starts easy and gets harder pretty quick. The audio is broadcast on FM so people watching in cars get a good show too.

I can't even fathom being able to create a game like this from scratch. Of course I can't even make sugar cookies from scratch, and they're supposed to be simple. DAMMIT COOKIES, WHY YOU ALWAYS SETTIN' MY KITCHEN ON FIRE?!

Hit the jump for an impressive demo.

Continue Reading " Another Christmas, Another Game You Can Play Using Programmed Christmas Lights Stapled To The Garage Door Of Your House "

Dec 16 2010 Of Course: XBox Kinect Virtual Sex Games

"New technology -- quick, how can we use it for sex?"

Note: Video after jump is NSFW due to awkward, scantily clad groping.

A smut-peddling software company is hard(!) at work developing the first virtual sex games to make use of the XBox Kinect motion-control system. That's a screenshot of Captain Blurryface Embarrassedtoplay demoing the system there. Oh come on, there's no shame in virtual-sexin'! Yes, yes there is too. It's actually all shame.

The demo comes from ThriXXX software, a maker of 3D role-playing sex simulation games, which said in a statement today that "the open-sourcing of device drivers for Kinect have enabled the...device to be used directly from connected PCs operating on Windows 7...The Kinect interface provides another exciting interface option for users of the sex simulation software to control the experience in extraordinary new ways. Controller-free is the next generation of game user interfaces, allowing users to use gestures, spoken commands, or objects to control in-game action that creates a completely new sex game activity and magical experience."

"Magical experience", right. Because there's nothing more magical than having your roommate come home to you virtual-f***ing the sofa THAT HE PAID FOR. That's just a good way to get kicked out of an apartment. Also, tearing up the floor to install an indoor pool. Whatever slumlord, this was about to be a luxury unit!

Hit the jump for a sad video demo.

Continue Reading " Of Course: XBox Kinect Virtual Sex Games "

Dec 16 2010 This Manuscript Is Illegible!: Typewriter Art

British artist Keira Rathbone uses a typewriter to 'type' pictures with the letters, numbers and symbols available. There are a couple closeups of this particular piece after the jump, which are definitely worth checking out. Pretty awesome, right? Now I know what you're thinking, and no, you could not do better. You really need to start being more realistic about your abilities. Just sayin', some people are good at everything, some people are good at some things, and then there's you. Then me. :/

Hit the jump for several more of the impressiveness, along with a shot of the artist at work.

Continue Reading " This Manuscript Is Illegible!: Typewriter Art "

Dec 16 2010 2,000-Year Old Computer Recreated In LEGO

Apple software engineer Andrew Carol (woman's first name for a last name FTW!) went and built a completely functional Antikythera Mechanism out of LEGO. What the hell's an Antikythera Mechanism? *GW casts copy/paste and goes to toast some Eggos*

The Antikythera Mechanism, is, allegedly, the oldest version of a scientific computer. The Greeks, who used to be so clever that they never endured too much of a financial crisis, built it around 100 B.C.

Somehow, it disappeared into history's cracks, until it was unearthed from a shipwreck in 1901. It took imperfect humans another 100 years to work out that its purpose was to mechanically track the bodies that are in outer space in order to anticipate events up there that might affect life down here.

Carol used 1,500 Lego Technic parts and 30 days to put together the 110 gears and other pieces of the re-creation.

The two wings of Carol's machine, each with four gearboxes, manage to make the same calculations as the original mechanism. Each gearbox makes one mathematical calculation.

It's funny how they call Andrew by his last name in the article and it makes it sound like he's a lady. Also, that falsetto of his. But I'm not here to talk about girly-men, I'm here to talk about 2,000-year old gearboxes. Which -- if the ancient Greeks could make gearboxes, then they must have had cars. The history books are wrong! THIS. CHANGES. EVERYTHING. But mostly just history books.

Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the device in action.

Continue Reading " 2,000-Year Old Computer Recreated In LEGO "

Dec 16 2010 Definitely NOT The True Meaning Of Christmas: Hotel's $11 Million Tree

This is the (Abu Dhabi) Emirates Palace hotel's $11 million Christmas tree. Well, technically the tree only cost $10K, it's just covered in $11 million of gold and diamond tackery. It's a marketing effort to drum up interest in the hotel. Right, like I'm rich enough to fly to the UAE and stay in a $400 - $7,000/night hotel. Just sayin', I had to ask a friend to spot me bus-fare yesterday. Plus I stole two packs of Ramen when he was in the bathroom!

The vast majority of the population of the oil-rich UAE are Muslim.

But Mr Olbertz said he did not think the tree would offend local sensibilities.

"It's a very liberal country," he said, according to AFP.

Asked what security measures were in place to prevent theft of jewellery from the tree, assistant director of marketing Hazem Harfoush said the tree was "good proof that Abu Dhabi is a safe destination".

And the hotel was even safer, Mr Harfoush told the BBC.

"We have 24/7 security, four security guards closely monitoring the space plus security cameras."

"Very liberal country" aside, did that just say FOUR security guards? Can you excuse me for just a sec? *dialing* Hello, Grinch? Tie Max's antler back on, it's time to steal another Christmas.

UAE hotel boasts 'most expensive Christmas tree ever' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Liz, who doesn't like trees and decided to decorate a shrub instead. What the -- WHO DOESN'T LIKE TREES?!

Dec 16 2010 SPOILER ALERT!: Han Solo Kills Chewbacca In New Star Wars Force Unleashed Game

Granted it's by accident, but still. Basically your character ('the Apprentice') is about to choke out Chewie when Han runs up and shoots at you, but you shift Chewie in front of Han's pews (NOT penis). Theeeeeeeeen you run Han through with your lightsabers. Wow, that is NOT how I remember things going. Which, wait a minute -- I don't even recall signing up for the dark side! "Uh, remember that time in college you applied for a 39.90% APR Visa card because they were giving away free beer bongs?"
...
...
CURSE YOU, FINE PRINT! Where's Luke, I wanna kill him.

Hit the jump for the disturbing video.

Continue Reading " SPOILER ALERT!: Han Solo Kills Chewbacca In New Star Wars Force Unleashed Game "

Dec 15 2010 SEGA's Urine-Controlled Video Games

When it comes to restrooms, there's really only one game I like to play: pee on the floor for as long as possible before somebody else comes in. I used to play pecker peeker too but I got punched in the eye recently (dude didn't even wash his hand first!) so I'm laying low on that one for a bit. It's always the small ones that get angry aside, SEGA's rolling out a line of urine stream-controlled video games (which aren't a new concept) to encourage men to aim for the urinal and not the fly on the wall. BUT HE'S TAUNTING MEEEEEEEE!

Dubbed "Toirettsu" (トイレッツ), the game's title is a word play on "toy", "let's" and "toilets". As the Sega Toys website points out, "You're able to game with pee!"

The contraption is outfitted with mini-games, and there is a sensor that can apparently measure the speed of one's urine stream. Some of the mini-games include erasing graffiti with a hose...causing wind to blow under a women's skirt...and...shoot milk from their nose

I'm not gonna lie, that might keep me from peeing on the ground ONE TIME. After that, it's back to playing 'CAUTION: WET FLOORS'. One time I actually played such perfect game urine actually started leaking out from under the door and into the hallway. BONUS LEVEL!

Hit the jump for a short demo of the system in action.

Continue Reading " SEGA's Urine-Controlled Video Games "

Dec 15 2010 Get Inside Me!: 8-Bit Nintendo Skittle Art

This is Link in 8-bit Skittle form by deviantARTist Matt McManis. As you can see, he looks pretty delicious despite the lack of red Skittles, which I think we can all agree are the best ones unless you have absolutely zero taste or decency. I assume the sword hilt is made with Skittles Matt let his dog lick the shellac off, although they could be those super-sour ones that f*** your whole mouth up with that diamond-dust they coat them with. No lie, one time I ate a whole pack of those at once and afterward it felt like I'd chewed razor blades. Last time I buy candy that's been stapled closed!

Hit the jump for Mario.

Continue Reading " Get Inside Me!: 8-Bit Nintendo Skittle Art "

Dec 15 2010 The Sounds Of Star Wars Interactive Book

'The Sounds of Star Wars' is an interactive book with a little speaker-machine attached to the side so you can type in a number corresponding to a certain sound from the movies to hear it, along with how it was made. For example, Jar Jar's voice was created by combining the sound of George Lucas's greed with that of a really squeaky fart escaping. Neat!

Any Star Wars fan can mimic Darth Vader's voice or Chewbacca's roar with ease. But how many of them would be able to identify the lion's roar used in the sound of the Millenium Falcon's engine? In this aurally astonishing and visually engaging book, New York Times best-selling author J. W. Rinzler reveals the illuminating history of the sounds that make the Star Wars universe so believable, as recounted by their creator, legendary sound designer Ben Burtt. An attached sound module with an exterior speaker and headphone jack lets readers listen to more than 250 unique sound effects

There's a worthwhile video about the book after the jump, but if you only have a minute at least skip to 1:30 to watch the part about the iconic 'pew-pew' of the laser blasters. The whole 6:00 really is worth watching though. Unlike that 2-hour wedding video of yours you made me sit through! Sorry, but if you didn't pass out, catch fire or have relatives slip on the dance floor and hurt themselves, you can count me out. Back me up, AFV! Haha, that guy just took a baseball to the nuts!

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " The Sounds Of Star Wars Interactive Book "

Dec 15 2010 How To: Evoke Nerd Rage

Get it? Because it's the guy from Firefly with a Star Trek quote mis-attributed to a Star Wars character! Some fanboy just blew out the back of his Buck Rodgers boxers in a fit of nerd-rage and now has to call his mom to bring him freshies. You should know by now to always bring a spare pair! Remember what happened in the break room at work the time you heard the pretty girl talking about playing Starcraft? Exactly, you popped a boner and accidentally slammed it in the microwave door trying to heat a Lean Cuisine. "Yeah, but I didn't need new boxers for that!" Then when she asked if you were okay and you shat yourself like an elephant in the wild. Life lessons, young padawan.

How To Piss Off Nerds [buzzfeed]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who once tore his shirt off to reveal Batman PJ's because his computer crashed and then started hopping across the walls of our cubicles just like a real superhero would.

Dec 15 2010 Suck It, Clowns!: 19 Girls Pack In 1 Smart Car

[Avoid writing '19 girls, 1 car' joke here]

19 Pakistani girls stuffed themselves into a Smart Car over the weekend with all the doors and windows closed for ten seconds ("NOBODY FART!") to beat a group of Australians' previous record of 18 girls. Honestly, I think you could've stuffed at least a couple more there by the windshield.

There's a news report that includes footage of the feat (and feet!) after the jump, which looks exactly like what you'd expect it to. I just called forty jockeys so my team could take the record, but apparently all participants have to be at least five-feet tall to count. Which, yes, is 100% height-ist. And so are the majority of amusement park rides. Plus I heard Disney hates gingers. Hey -- I don't make it up, I just report it!

Hit the jump for a short news report of how to Pakistani-pack an automobile.

Continue Reading " Suck It, Clowns!: 19 Girls Pack In 1 Smart Car "

Dec 15 2010 Bring It, Trivia-Bot!: IBM's 'Watson' Supercomputer To Finally Compete On Jeopardy

Remember the story about IBM developing a supercomputer to compete on Jeopardy? Well apparently it's actually gonna happen on February 14th (worst Valentine's gift EVER), and against two of the winningest humans in the game's history, Ken Jennings and Brad Rutter. I'll take "You're going down!" for $200, Alex.

The aim is to have Watson, which was named after IBM's founder Thomas J Watson, to mimic human intelligence by deciphering and answering questions without being connected to the internet.

...the tough part for Watson is that it has to "know what it knows with utmost confidence".
two former Jeopardy winners Mr Jennings and Mr Rutter are battle hardened contestants

"Otherwise if it buzzes in and gets the answer wrong that is bad on Jeopardy because you lose money and lose the game."

I don't know about you, but I'm gonna be glued to the couch on February 14th! You know, or out to a romantic dinner with my special ladyfriend. What is, "stop lying GW, we know you don't have a ladyfriend?" Oh I'm sorry but you forgot to buzz in! "Like hell I did, I was mashing the shit out of this button!" Haha, yeah, you just blew up your house.

IBM supercomputer set for Jeopardy quiz show showdown [bbcnews]
and
Picture Shopped by Popular Science (and slightly edited by yours truly)

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom, Reed, J-ROD, moses, Bill, R-Man Stunning, Mih0, ayavalon, Michael, Kristina, Matty C. and nate, who would beat the hell out of Watson. Literally. I'll take, "Alex please look away while I smash this POS with a hammer" for $800, please.

Dec 15 2010 Electric Screwdriver Wine Bottle Opener

Alcohol and power-tools, baby: God's combo.

You wanna know what my problem with wine is? It isn't alcoholic enough. Sure if I take two bottles to the face the whole world starts spinning, but then what? Exactly, I almost drown in the bathtub. My neighbor already told me he's not dragging me out again, whether I promise to wear swim trunks or not. Still, maybe you like wine. Maybe you're classy. BWAHAHAHAHA!! *wiping tear* You -- classy.

The Bosch IXO Vino is a cordless screwdriver with a very special attachment. Specifically, a corkscrew that allows you to open wine bottles. That's right, you can pass this puppy off as a fancy wine opener. Otherwise, it's a pretty nice little screwdriver with a lithium-ion battery for cordless operation. Unfortunately the $63 price tag seems a bit salty for what it does.

You know, wine-related posts always remind me of the first time I ever went to a really fancy restaurant. Somebody suggested I order the table some wine, so I did, then the wine steward comes back and wants me to sniff this butt-plug. I THOUGHT THIS PLACE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CLASSY AND THIS GUY'S BRINGING USED SEX TOYS TO OUR TABLE!! "Um, GW? That was the wine cork." You sure? It looked a little messy on one end.

Amazon Product Site
via
Bosch IXO Vino Cordless Screwdriver Doubles As A Wine Opener [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Etienne and Betsy, who break the tops off bottles so they have no choice but to drink the whole thing in one sitting. Now that's what I'm talkin' about!

Dec 15 2010 Mario Game Trailer In The Style Of GTA

Note: MUST-SEE video after the jump has a couple (literally, a couple) dirty words.

This is an incredibly well made trailer for The Brothers Mario, a make-believe Mario game in the style of a Grand Theft Auto. Admittedly, I'd play the hell out of it. Also, the skin flute provided the price was right. Which, Drew -- open that envelope! "And the actual retail price is....$24 -- in quarters?!" DON'T JUDGE ME, I HAVE A MOUTH TO FEED AND I'M ON A VENDING MACHINE DIET! Sun Chips, SUN CHIPS!

Hit the jump for almost five-minutes of heart mushroom pounding action.

Continue Reading " Mario Game Trailer In The Style Of GTA "

Dec 14 2010 Sadness: Korean Fake Girlfriend Smartphone App Supposed To Help Fight Loneliness

'Honey It's Me' is a $2 smartphone app created by developer Nabix to help combat loneliness in single South Korean men by providing them with a virtual girlfriend that calls and leaves rambling video messages. I SAID STOP CALLING -- YOU'RE WASTING MY MINUTES! Also, make sure to delete the app before getting a real girlfriend because she'll either 1. look at you like you're a big ball of sadness or 2. stab you for cheating. I'm not sure which is worse.

"Honey it's me!" is warming lonely hearts with the voice of "Mina," a 20-something virtual woman.

For $1.99, Mina will make video-calls four times a day, showering subscribers with a message of bliss from 100 available. With recorded messages such as "good night, sweet dreams," Nabix said it would help subscribers feel someone cares for them and is consistently thinking of them.

Hey, I'm all for fighting loneliness and depression, I just question virtual girlfriends being a viable answer. Because what happens when you wake up one day and realize your girlfriend for the last four years has been an iPhone app? Or, even worse, World of Warcraft. Shave that crusty Mountain Dew mustache and go meet some ladies! Huh? Fine, FINE -- after this raid.

Hit the jump for an example message and a longer video describing the app (sans English).

Continue Reading " Sadness: Korean Fake Girlfriend Smartphone App Supposed To Help Fight Loneliness "

Dec 14 2010 Yes, Of Course: A Playboy TRON Pictorial

Note: Jump probably NSFW on account of latex-painted nekkid ladies and a video of the shoot.

I assume Disney and Playboy didn't collaborate to produce this TRON-inspired pictorial, but you never know. I wouldn't put it past that mouse to bed the bunny for the sake of cheap marketing. So, yeah, a TRON-inspired Playboy pictorial featuring Irina Voronina and Sasckya Porto. Who are Irina Voronina and Sasckya Porto? My guess are Russian chicks. There's one more shot and a video of the shoot posted after the jump, along with a link to Playboy's preview page where they try to rope you into joining the 'Cyber Club' with the promise of even more glowing boobies. Thanks but no thanks, Playboy, the GW no longer "cybers" anything. You know how many times I thought I was sexy-talkin' a woman's butt only to pan out and it be a fat man's armpit? Every single one. Now I'm into pits.

Hit the NSFW jump for a whole bunch of disappointment.

Continue Reading " Yes, Of Course: A Playboy TRON Pictorial "

Dec 14 2010 Phones That Can Send A Touch/Blow/Kiss

Want a phone that can send and receive a touch/blow/kiss? "ABSOLUTELY!" Haha, not that kind of blow. "What a piece of shit!" I'm with you. Just wait till you hear how it works. It's pretty nasty, yo.

The first phone replicates touch by using a small motor attached to a cord that applies pressure to the back of the user's hand. Another cellphone simulates moisture using a wet sponge inside of the device that pushes against your lips. The last phone demonstrated blows a puff of air onto your neck or ear.

Hemmert thinks that the physicality of telecommunications will be very important in the future. He envisions a world where people will send a kiss over their cellphones instead of a text message.

By a show of hands, who here is actually willing to make out with a phone? Whoa -- that many?! Seriously? I -- wow -- I really didn't see that one coming. That squirrel this morning either. Stole my Cheetos AND bit me. Now I'm scared I have rabies. Cooties too but I'm afraid to get tested.

Relatively boring/sad video of guy talking about the phones after the jump.

Continue Reading " Phones That Can Send A Touch/Blow/Kiss "

Dec 14 2010 Medical Miracles: Stem Cells Cure Man's HIV?

Allegedly an HIV-positive German man with leukemia (that's pretty cruel, God) was given a stem-cell transplant from a donor that's HIV resistant, which has left the man HIV-free for four years now. Now I have absolutely no clue how growing weed inside someone could possibly cure AIDS, so I'm not even gonna begin to pretend to be a scientist. What I am gonna pretend to be a janitor so I can sneak into the women's changing room and steal bikini tops. Kidding -- KIDDING! Bottoms.

Man Cured of HIV with Stem Cells [gawker]

Thanks to Todd from IDLYITW, who once cured a man's blindness by tying his hands behind his back so he couldn't play with himself for a month. Does, uh, does that really work? (I'm down to tunnel vision)

Dec 14 2010 NES Guitar Certainly Adds New Meaning To Playing Nintendo. Doesen't it? DOESN'T IT?!

I just punched myself in the face for writing that title. "Good start -- do your balls next!" Wow, I love you too. This is a Nintendo that's been gutted and turned into a guitar. It doesn't play games anymore, but it does play music! *air-guitaring Come As You Are* NEEDS MORE POWER GLOVE.

Custom 6 String Electric Guitar with an NES body. Features a standard neck with a hard-tail bridge. Single coil pickup with volume control and an output jack. (Note: Each guitar will be slightly different with constant improvements to the design)

Some guy was selling them for $150 with $20 shipping but he's currently sold out. You can check out his page though to stay abreast (I prefer pairs) when more are available. Oooooor you can stick around here and actually learn something. It might not be anything you wanted to learn, but I'm bound to teach you something. Also, bound to my desk and gagged. I think I'm being robbed!

Hit the jump for a video of NES-shredding action.

Continue Reading " NES Guitar Certainly Adds New Meaning To Playing Nintendo. Doesen't it? DOESN'T IT?! "

Dec 14 2010 Making Movie Magic Even More Magical: The Princess Bride, Now With More Lightsaber

The Princess Bride is by far one of my favorite films of all time. And not just because I see a lot of myself in Westley, but I do despite being handsomer and much less of a dandy. Well this is the duel between Westley and Inigo Montoya atop the Cliffs of Insanity with lightsabers instead of swords. Does that make it better than the original? Does a zombie's penis fall off when he pees? Yes -- or sneezes.

Hit the jump for 2:00 of awesome as you wish action.

Continue Reading " Making Movie Magic Even More Magical: The Princess Bride, Now With More Lightsaber "

Dec 14 2010 How To: Multiply Numbers By Doodling

Math was always my worst subject. I was a straight C- student. Is that why I got kicked out of the architecture program in college? Maybe. Or it could have been the fact every building I designed either looked like a tit or something to smoke out of. Some both. Whichever the case, I wish I'd learned to multiply by doodling and maybe I would've gone further in life. Because right now I feel like I'm just sort of wavering at the starting line like I was daydreaming when the "GO!" shot was fired. Oh wow, look at all those people run. Holy shit, cool shoes. Anyway, this is an instructional video on how to multiply numbers by counting the number of intersections in a corresponding line-doodle. I'm gonna give it a go, I'll report back.

Okay so apparently 241 x 18 = a dinosaur pushing a robot into a volcano. Sounds right to me!

Hit the jump FOR MY ACTUAL DOODLE and the how-to instructional video.

Continue Reading " How To: Multiply Numbers By Doodling "

Dec 14 2010 Family's $82K Christmas Lights Electricity Bill

The Faucher family (suck it, Ben Stiller!) of Delaware loves Christmas. Granted they probably don't even know why it's celebrated, but they do love putting up Christmas lights. Me? I'm not allowed to anymore on account of chewing the bulbs. THEN STOP MAKING THEM LOOK LIKE CANDY.

According to HouseLogic the family pays about $686 an hour to run the [1,000,000] lights and will rack up a bill of $82,320 over the month. If they went green with LED lights, they could cut that bill down to $10,680.

*spit-take* You've got to be kidding me! And that's only running them 4 hours/night for a month! I know Christmas is the season of giving, but you're giving me heartburn, Fauchers! Kidding, I think it was the spoiled breakfast burrito. What? Sometimes nothing happens!

family spends $82k to light christmas lights, clark griswold would approve [technabob]

Thanks to Dan, who still hangs those blue icicle lights. Really? Those are tacky.

Dec 13 2010 Live-Action Version Of TMNT Cartoon Opener

Remember that animation of Leonardo and Raphael making out? Shit was hot. But apparently it was a little too spicy for some of you, so here's another TMNT post in case anthropomorphic homoeroticism isn't your thing (personally, I think you're crazy). Basically a group of youths recreated the opening to the original Ninja Turtle cartoon scene-for-scene as part of a high school talent show. This is the result. While terribly low-budget, they actually did do a good job. Not with April O'Neil though, because I'm pretty sure that was a dude. Which leads me to believe these poor bastards don't even know a single girl willing to appear on camera for two seconds.

Hit the jump for 1:00 of fond memories.

Continue Reading " Live-Action Version Of TMNT Cartoon Opener "

Dec 13 2010 Architect's $1,000 Solar-Powered Egg House

Okay so it's not so much a house as it is a hut, but still. Huts ARE houses to some people. Me? I call the back of a 2001 Explorer Sport home. I don't need a kitchen, In-N-Out invented the drive-thru. I'm being serious, they really did. Suck on that fat straw, Ronald McDongle!

Dai Haifei, a 24-year-old architect in Beijing, China, found an ingenious solution to live rent-free. He built himself a mobile egg-shaped house that is powered by the sun.

The 6-foot-high structure, which is small enough to fit on a sidewalk, is made of bamboo strips, wood chippings, sack bags, and grass seed that's expected to grow in the spring.

The pod features a solar panel on the roof that powers a lamp in the cozy space. The house cost around $1,000 to build (6427 yen)

Good lookin', Dai, I'm all for green technology. Unfortunately, what I'm not all for is human shit on the sidewalk, which is why you better move that thing before I set it on fire.

Hit the jump for closeups of the easiest house to break into (tent and box homes excluded).

Continue Reading " Architect's $1,000 Solar-Powered Egg House "

Dec 13 2010 Stop-Motion Mondays!: LEGO Black Ops

Just kidding, I'm not actually gonna make stop-motion videos a regular Monday feature, I just like the way Motion and Monday sound next to each other. Almost as smooth as you and I singing 'What a Wonderful World' together provided you don't actually sing and just mouth the words. I'm serious, you sound like a banshee. This is a LEGO stop-motion video in the style of Call of Duty: Black Ops. Which, while graphic, is nowhere near as traumatizing as Lifetime's original series, Call of Duty: Sex Ops. I actually saw a penis getting sewn on over a lady's hoo-ha after it had fallen on the floor. You know what the doctor said? Five-second rule. That's not just for Pringles?!

Hit the jump for a minute and a half of plastic headshooting action.

Continue Reading " Stop-Motion Mondays!: LEGO Black Ops "

Dec 13 2010 New And Improved Navy Railgun Destroys From 100 Miles Away In Six Minutes

It takes longer to heat up a burrito! Plus, what good is a burrito if it's 100 miles away? Zero. As you may recall, the Navy has been working on a railgun that they hope will eventually be able to accurately shoot projectiles up to 200 miles. And, well, they're halfway there. Me? I'm halfway through my third cocktail. Yes, with a little umbrella.

Right now, Navy railguns could only reach targets 13 miles away. The new railgun reaches any target 100 miles away in six minutes using 33-megajoules of energy, an unprecedented tactical advantage over conventional weaponry like cannons and cruise missiles. To give you an idea of the magnitude of the impact, a megajoule is "roughly equivalent to a 1-ton car traveling at 100 mph." Imagine the effect on a target.

Wait, I'm always bad at these conversions. So is a 33-megajoule railgun the equivalent of 33 1-ton cars traveling at 100mph or a 1-ton car traveling at 3,300mph? Or -- OR -- a 33-ton car traveling at 100mph? Because I'm not gonna lie, that sounds like a gas-guzzler. 0.00000000000000000001MPG's amirite?!

Hit the jump for some impressive video of a rail being gunned that includings some ultra slow-mo footage that'll make your panties moist. Possibly soggy.

Continue Reading " New And Improved Navy Railgun Destroys From 100 Miles Away In Six Minutes "

Dec 13 2010 Impressive 'Insert Coin' Stop Motion Video

You see each one of those little silver dots? They're all quarters. Like, at least thirty of them. I know, I could really use some for laundry too. Having to move my dirty-clothes pile outside because it started to stink so bad aside, this is an impressive video game themed stop motion video entitled 'Insert Coin'. It was appropriately made with coins instead of pepperonis, despite how much more delicious that would've been. The screencap I used doesn't really do the video justice though, so hit the jump and give it a watch. But not cuff links or a tie, those are two of the worst gifts you can give a guy besides a baby.

Hit the jump and try to guess how many hours went into making the video. I guess waaaaaay too many.

Continue Reading " Impressive 'Insert Coin' Stop Motion Video "

Dec 13 2010 Heading To That Big MMORPG In The Sky: Oldschool Russian Computer Grave

[Insert virus joke here]

This may or may not be older than the internet itself but it's hard to tell because those words look Russian and I happen to know they still use crappy old computers over there. I've been squinting trying to make out the date of death, which likes '91 or '99, but that could just be my eyes playing tricks on me. 'BOO!" Gaaaaaaah! -- you know I hate it when you scare me like that! Holy shit everything just went black.

Même mort, un Geek reste un Geek! [passiongraph]

Thanks to myDITTO, who, exactly.

Dec 13 2010 The Truth Is Out: You Dirty, Facebook!

Mark Zuckerberg, you are a pervert! I don't care if you've already committed to giving most of your fortune to charity (although I do respect that), I always knew you made Facebook to meet (read: cyberstalk) girls! How's that going for you anyways? Just the one Asian lady? Pfffft -- even Tom has like three girlfriends and he's a loser! Plus into heroin. It's a hard fall from the top.

Cannot Be Unseen of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom and Jacine, who're still convinced Amazon is a singles site.

Dec 13 2010 Save Me, SAAAAAAVE ME!: Superhero Dinos

Mmmmm, love a dino in tights.

Dinosaurs make great superheroes. Also, lovas. Except for the ones that try to impale you with their horns during courtship. That's a little rough for me. On the sandpaper scale that's like a 40 grit and I'm more of a 200 kind of guy. If I'm really feelin' krinky I might dip down to an 80 or 120 but I'm not gonna respect myself in the morning. I am gonna sit and cry in the shower until I'm pruny though. These are Marvel Dinosaurs designed by Flickr user d.r3sto (David Resto). They are:

Iron Brontosaurus

Captain Ameritops
Hulkasaurus Rex
AnkyloTHORus

Okay so here's my plan: I'm gonna fake-rob a bank, and wait to see which one's the first to come try and stop me. Then, seduce him. Can't miss me, I'll be the one in the vault with no pants on. I'm gonna be all, "Hey mister, I've been bad -- wanna put somethin' in my safe-deposit box?" Then, oh boy -- happy-fun time.

Hit the jump for a full-size shot of each, including bonus Wolveraptor and PteranoSTORM.

Continue Reading " Save Me, SAAAAAAVE ME!: Superhero Dinos "

Dec 10 2010 The Tallest Mountain In The Solar System

Mount Everest, at 29,029 feet tall (~5.5 miles), is the tallest mountain on earth (excluding Hawaii's Mauna Kea, which is actually 33,465 feet tall -- only 13,796 of which are above sea level). But it's got nothing on the tallest mountain in the solar system. Nope, Mars's Olympus Mons (not to be confused with mons pubis, the female vagina mound), takes the award at a staggering 14 miles tall. Pfft, I could hike it. I never would because I'm lazy and hate even taking the stairs, but I could.

Olympus Mons is said to have reached such staggering heights the same way volcanoes form here on Earth -- minus one critical difference. Mars doesn't have plate tectonics. So instead of shifting over time to create a mountain range, Olympus Mons probably sat over a volcano-forming "hot spot" for a really long time.

Oh you think you're sooooo special just because you have the tallest mountain in the solar system, do you, Mars? Too bad it looks like a frostbit zombie nip! BURN -- earth's tits are way sweeter!

Image of the Day: tallest peak in our solar system [dvice]

Dec 10 2010 Idiot Morons Sled Bungeeing Off Snowy Roof

This is a video of a bunch of Russian dipshits on a precarious looking roof sledding off with a homemade bungee cord (which may or may not be a bunch of soiled bedsheets tied together) attached. I was convinced the stunt would prove to be certain death, but somehow the girl (note: ALWAYS make the girl go first) survived to scream her f***ing face off and smack into a wall. Just kidding, she doesn't actually hit a wall, but damn if I wasn't praying she would. "Uh -- GW? You shouldn't really waste prayers on hoping somebody gets hurt." YEAH? WELL YOU SHOULDN'T REALLY WASTE YOUR BREATH TRYING TO CHANGE THINGS THAT NEVER WILL. Learn to pick your battles, Napoleon!

Hit the jump for the WTFery in action.

Continue Reading " Idiot Morons Sled Bungeeing Off Snowy Roof "

Dec 10 2010 Oh - I'm Not The Only One That Likes Turtles!

Homos in a half shell? Alternatively, "get a sewer!" [insert manhole joke here]

This is an animated gif of Leonardo and Raphael makin' out all hot and heavy. Which, for the record, I called from the beginning provided you replace 'Raphael' with 'Donatello'.

Lights Out of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Carly, who swears she saw Shredder grab a Foot Clan member's ass during a yoga class.

Dec 10 2010 Star Wars Movie Posters For Other Movies

Artist Matt Ranzetta went and created these Star Wars inspired movie posters for movies that have nothing to do with Star Wars minus some loose associations with the titles, names of characters, etc. If you like them you can buy card and print versions at his website until George catches wind of it and starts sending cease-and-desist orders. Don't hate just because it's better than anything you've produced in the past 20 years! Turds, George, all turds.

Hit the jump for four more (including The Princess Bride!!!!!11) and a link to the purchase page.

Continue Reading " Star Wars Movie Posters For Other Movies "

Dec 10 2010 Should You Friend Your Parents On Facebook -- The Flow Chart (SPOILER: No, Never)

Note: Full-res version of the chart available HERE.

I don't really care if you friend your parents on Facebook or not but you should join the GEEKOLOGIE FAN PAGE to receive up to the minute details on my drinking. That said, you should never friend your parents on Facebook unless they're not savvy enough to realize you put them on the most restricted profile possible. I'm talking like nothing is clickable and a profile picture doesn't even show up. Because the last thing you want to do is hurt your parents' feelings. They did make you after all. Mistakenly, but still.

Flowchart: Should You Friend Your Parents on Facebook? [coolmaterial]
via
Should You Accept Mom & Dad's Facebook Friend Request? [mashable]

Thanks to Fally, who told her parents she forgot her Facebook password and doesn't use it anymore. Good one!

Dec 10 2010 Space Odyssey Monolith Actionless Figure

So ThinkGeek is selling a $13 Monolith Action Figure from 2001: A Space Odyssey. It's basically a piece of rectangular molded plastic and ranks right up there with Wonder Woman's Invisible Plane (read: near the bottom). Product highlights:

• Properly proportioned to those in the movies 2001 and 2010 (1:4:9 - the squares of the first 3 integers)
• Made of semisynthetic, organic, amorphous, solid materials (AKA plastic)
• Zero (0) points of articulation

Oh man, wait till your sci-fi lovin' friends come over and see this thing on your shelf. They're gonna lose their shit! Oooooor berate you for spending $13 on a gag-toy. And speaking of gag-toys: I think I just swallowed a yo-yo. Little help over here!

ThinkGeek Product Site
via
Monolith Action Figure [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Boaconscripter, who could choke you out with one of his programs.

Dec 10 2010 "Totally For Real" Zombie Destroys Campsite

Note: Must must must watch video of the sadness after the jump.

This is a local news report about a hunting camp in Louisiana that was allegedly ravaged by a zombie-monster. Admittedly, that picture does look totally for real.

The news comes from Baton Rouge LA news (NBC 33) and was reportedly taken on a reserve in Berwick near Morgan City. The anonymous submitter claims that the entire camp was destroyed, including the camera that snapped this picture, and the SIM card revealed the culprit.

You just have to watch the video to appreciate it. It's by far one of the saddest news reports I've ever seen, and not just because they START READING F***ING FACEBOOK QUOTES PEOPLE POSTED ABOUT THE IMAGE -- that was just the icing on the cake. God, and to think newscasting used to be a respectable profession. Blogging? Not so much. Hookin'? More than blogging.

Hit the jump for 1:45 of pure facepalming action.

Continue Reading " "Totally For Real" Zombie Destroys Campsite "

Dec 10 2010 Gotta Catch 'Em All! (On Fire): Pokemon Cake

You see what they did there? I do. They made the candles look like Charmander's breathing fire. Eagle eyes: I have them. Also, a Tasmanian devil dong. WAABWUBLABLAB!! Whoa, easy there partner. You could probably use the same technique for a dragon cake although I don't know that for a fact so don't hold it against me if yours ends up looking like a kitchen fire. What you can hold against me is this ceremonial dagger while I chant spells. BUT NO STABBING UNTIL THE END THIS TIME.

Charmander Cake [myfoodlooksfunny]

Thanks to Romeo, who made an ice-Pokemon cake but chucked it because it tasted like freezer burn.

Dec 9 2010 Majora's Mask 'Song Of Healing' Played On Wine Glasses (With Bonus Special Effects!)

This is a video by Youtube user Sp0ntanius playing the 'Song of Healing' medley from the Zelda classic Majora's Mask using nothing but wine glasses. Some he beats on, some he rubs his finger on, none he beats or rubs his wiener on (not in this version anyway). It's really impressive and I highly recommend giving it a watch. Plus he interacts between the nine separate videos by reaching for and pouring into different glasses. Very clever. I tried drawing my own Inception-style dream map so I could comprehend how somebody could even make such a video, but it quickly turned into a doodle of a dinosaur humping the Hollywood sign and I hung it on the fridge. Then I took a couple shots, chugged a beer, and just called a cab so I can take the dogs to the vet. Somebody's gonna steal some cat meds!

Also after the jump: another video of Sp0ntanius playing a stop-motion version of the Palace Theme from Zelda II that still makes my heart fall out my butthole whenever I hear it. Damn you, last palace!

Continue Reading " Majora's Mask 'Song Of Healing' Played On Wine Glasses (With Bonus Special Effects!) "

Dec 9 2010 Now That's How You Sell Refurb Ink Cartridges

Honesty IS the best policy.

As a guy who hides under his desk avoiding his real job and blogging all day, I've always been curious about the life of a product description writer. And thankfully, the writer of a UK-based refurbished ink cartridge retailer has finally provided some much needed insight. Apparently it's not as glamorous as one would expect. Shocking, I know. But I thought I'd still like to give it a go:

Remanufactured HP 300 - (CC640EE) Black

Remanufactured, just for you. Contains 8mL (NOT the Eminem movie) of the highest quality black-market squid ink laundered money can buy (we're actually a prostitution ring). Will print indefinitely without fading, streaking, or turning your fingers black. Can other ink cartridge refurbishers promise that? They could, but that'd make them dirty f***ing liars. One time I printed out nudie pictures of a celebrity with this ink and you'd swear her breasts were 3-D -- that's how good this shit is. Also great for huffing. You know what? I don't even want to sell it anymore -- I'm keeping it all for myself. If you add one to your cart and I'm high enough, I may send you a cartridge, but don't count on it. You CAN count on still being charged though. I'm serious, that's how badass this ink is -- it's worth taking a chance of not even getting to get.

*Printing important documents with this ink makes them legally binding, regardless of signatures.

**Printing 'LOST DOG' signs with this ink will retroactively make your dog not run away in the first place. Does NOT work for cats.

I dunno, I thought it was kinda fun.

Product Site (currently down due to traffic I think)
via
Ink Cartridge Description of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Colin, who makes his own printer ink out of vegetable oil and herbs. WTF?! Do you even have electricity?

Dec 9 2010 German Robot Face Toilet Paper Dispensers

Told you they were shit-eaters!

Want a toilet paper dispenser that looks like a friendly robot? That was a trick question, there's no such thing as a friendly robot. Per Google translation of the German product site:

The coolest toilet paper holder at all! Sauerkraut! German chocolate cake! Bratwurst!

The Toilet Paper Holder Airyusha Robotan you sticks his tongue out or the toilet paper and embellished with its sheer presence of your bathroom. Mercedes! BMW!

The butt-munching robots sell for 14,90 € (~$20) and will be torn off the wall and destroyed if I ever see one. Plus I'll probably write something profane on the stall door. Something like, "for a good time, open your cell's phonebook and dial 'Mom'. HOHO -- BURN!

Product Site

Thanks to batman's ricecooker, who actually sees a lot more couscous than rice because Robin's a picky eater.

Dec 9 2010 Just Like Doc Ock!: Prosthetic Tentacle Arms

If I lost an arm I can't say I'd run out to have the thing replaced with a tentacle. That's just asking for people to stare (and children to run screaming). No, I'd opt for a laser cannon before anything else. You know, or a plastic cutlass if times are tough. Still, maybe you'd want one. Hey, I'm not here to judge, I'm here to -- wait, why am I here? I was told there'd be free beer!

Kaylene Kau's prosthetic arm isn't your typical robot-arm. It doesn't even have fingers -- it's flexible tentacle design would make for an excellent replacement hand for wielding a lightsaber.

As a part of a student project, Kau was asked to "push the boundaries of current upper-limb prosthetic design." Powered by a small motor and a set of cables, the tentacle shaped prosthetic arm curls its claw to grip objects.

You know what? I change my mind about the whole laser cannon thing. I think I want a leg for an arm instead. That way I could run on all threes like a tricycle and hopefully win races. "GW, you sound mentally handicapped". Special Olympics gold, baby!

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of the perfect arm to match your Cthulhu face.

Continue Reading " Just Like Doc Ock!: Prosthetic Tentacle Arms "

Dec 9 2010 Tokyo, We Have A Problem: Japanese Space Probe Misses Venus Orbit, Retry In 6 Years

Woopsie daisy.

The Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA, despite the E in Exploration) attempted to insert a probe into Uranus's core Venus's orbit Tuesday but failed due to bad "orbit estimation". No biggie, the probe can try again in six years provided the country's not decimated by Godzilla in the meantime, which is a real possibility.

Launched in May, Akatsuki was designed to orbit Venus for two years and study the sweltering planet's weather using a suite of five cameras.

Although Akatsuki [the probe] does not have enough fuel left to turn around, it has settled into orbit around the sun. That means JAXA can try again for orbital insertion around Venus when Akatsuki returns to the planet in six years.

JAXA officials said in a press conference today that the likelihood of a successful insertion then is "high."

Uh, why was the likelihood of success not "high" this time, hmmmmm? Did you ever stop to think maybe Venus doesn't want an alien probe all up in her privates taking video. And can you blame her? After all, she is the goddess of love and beauty. Which -- DAMMIT JAPAN, WAS THIS GONNA BE A FETISH FILM?!

Japan Probe Missed Venus--Will Try Again in Six Years [nationalgeographic]

Thanks to Samuel & Daniel, who once peeked up Mars' skirt and were surprised to see a giant cannon of a dong. You, uh, didn't know he was the god of war, right?

Dec 9 2010 Tis Never The Season: Church Band Plays Christmas Classics Entirely On iPads/iPhones

Somebody needs to tell that elf airplane glue glows under blacklight.

Seen here performing a medley of Christmas classics, the North Point Community Church iBand used nothing but borrowed iPads and iPhones to play what is sure to be remembered as a Santa-slaying setlist this year. The songs actually sound pretty good, but it's near impossible to get past the "band" members bobbing their heads and dancing around like they're doing something cool and not just fingering an iPad to make a bell ring. That said, church-band groupies: do they exist? Reaaally? *dusting off hymnal*

Hit the jump for 7:00 of "Carol of the Bells", "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and "Feliz Navidad".

Continue Reading " Tis Never The Season: Church Band Plays Christmas Classics Entirely On iPads/iPhones "

Dec 9 2010 Daft Punk/Disney/Monster/TRON Headphones

I can't really wear headphones because my left ear's like two inches lower than the right and I look like Sloth and Quasimodo's lovechild, but -- oh I'm sorry -- am I making you hot? Moving on. Monster, best known for hocking immorally overpriced HDMI cables, has teamed up with Disney and Daft Punk to produce these TRON-inspired headphones. Admittedly, they do look cool, but they also cost $350 AND ARE THE RESULT OF A MONSTER/DISNEY MASH-UP, which I, for one, refuse to endorse. "But GW -- I thought you'd endorse anything for the right price." And no, I have ethics and standards now.

BWAHAHAHAHA!! Ethics and standards. God, I almost blew the back out of my sweatpants trying to keep a straight face. Send me a pair and the endorsement's yours.

Hit the jump for a couple more product shots.

Continue Reading " Daft Punk/Disney/Monster/TRON Headphones "

Dec 9 2010 NES Bedding Sets, Now With More 'For Sale'

Remember the NES bedding set from a couple months ago? Well now the makers are selling them on eBay, albeit expensively. Bidding starts at $350 with $55 shipping for a complete queen set. ICHIWAWA! As cool as they are, the pile of dirty clothes I sleep in is a lot more affordable. Huh? NO IT'S NOT A PIMPLE I MUST'VE SLEPT ON A BUTTON, GOD! Oh thaaaaat -- yeah that's a wart.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of your future love-nest.

Continue Reading " NES Bedding Sets, Now With More 'For Sale' "

Dec 8 2010 Move Over, Platinum And Gold: Dinosaur Teeth And Meteors -- The New Bling Bling

I hate myself for even using a term like bling bling, ding-a-ling, but I assure you I'll take it out on my liver here in just a little bit. But before the ritualistic alcohol abuse begins, here's a $60K iPhone case made out of t-rex teeth and meteors. Ironic, don't you think? Making a phone case out of sessiest beasts that ever lived and the very thing that killed them? Well I thought so.

Stuart Hughes is back at it again, tricking out iPhones in ridiculously outrageous jewels. His iPhone 4 "HISTORY Edition" is a customization unlike any other we've ever seen.

The back of the HISTORY Edition iPhone 4 isn't cut from glass -- it's made from the tooth of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and meteoric stone that's dated back some 65 million years ago.

Hughes is only going to make 10 of these hideous iPhones, with each going for about $62,700. The reason for such a design? Hughes wanted to make something "fierce."

Hey Stewart -- mind if I call you Stewie? No? Too bad. Listen Stewie, if you wanted to make something "fierce", an iPhone IS NOT THE PLATFORM TO BEGIN WITH. I don't care if you wrap the thing in knives and razor wire, IT WILL NEVER BE FIERCE, only painful to answer.

Your iPhone 4 made of glass? Nice, mine is made from a T-Rex's tooth [dvice]

Thanks to Kevin G, blueAlien, tkuper05, Mih0 and frankie, who all have phone cases made with real space technology stripped from alien spaceships that crash-landed here on earth. GTFO!

Dec 8 2010 Blown Away: Laboratory Air Cannon Prank

Pranks: funny. Pranks where somebody can get seriously injured: hilarious. You should have seen the time I balanced a hammer on the sill above the apartment door and waiting for my roommate to come home. Now he has a stuttering problem and trouble dressing himself -- LOL! Kidding, that's f***ed up. Anyway, this is a video of some laboratory workers pranking the new guy with a blast from a pneumatic cannon strong enough to blow him across the room. How much power does it take to blow somebody across a room? I dunno, but it must take one hell of a wiener!

Hit the jump for two versions: the short one, and a longer, explanatory one.

Continue Reading " Blown Away: Laboratory Air Cannon Prank "

Dec 8 2010 Man Changes Name To Captain Awesome, Uses Arrows And Smiley Face As Signature

Listen: I used to call myself Captain Awesome (back when I had self esteem) long before some character on Chuck did, and I have the Gmail account registered in 2004 to prove it. And I'm sure I wasn't the first. But is that gonna stop me from suing everybody's asses off? Yes. Plus I'm lazy. Anyway, Oregonian (that's a person from Oregon FYI) Douglas Allen Smith, Jr. decided to legally change his name to Captain Awesome in honor of his favorite television character. Me? Lieutenant Columbo.

The unemployed Eugene cabinet installer says he found it funny [Dr. Devon "Captain Awesome"] Woodcomb's father gave him that nickname because a "poor nickname builds good character."

The former Mr. Smith says he faced a Lane County judge who questioned his seriousness. The judge that granted the request made him swear he wasn't changing his name for fraudulent reasons.

Awesome says that judge also allowed him to sign his name as a right arrow, a smiley face and a left arrow.

He says his bank, however, has refused to accept the signature because it could be forged too easily.

How is two arrows and a smiley face an appropriate signature for "Captain Awesome?" You'd think it would be a little doodle of a superhero or something. Admit it -- ADMIT YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT BEING CAPTAIN AWESOME! *shaking head* Major Mediocre is more like it.

UPDATE: Picture of Captain Awesome, who looks suspiciously like a skinny Kevin Federline wearing a Braves hat over a do-rag, and 100% the opposite of awesome, added after the jump (thanks to atheistgirl, who doesn't even believe in awesome).

Continue Reading " Man Changes Name To Captain Awesome, Uses Arrows And Smiley Face As Signature "

Dec 8 2010 Daft Punk's TRON-Inspired Music Video

This is the video for Daft's Punk's first single, 'Derezzed', off the TRON: Legacy soundtrack. It's pretty badass. The song too. Almost enough to make me forget Disney is behind the whole production. Almost. But like another famous mouse once told me, "Here I come to save the day!" Dammit -- not you, Mighty. "Where a kid can be a kid?" Close enough, Chuck -- TO THE BALL-PIT!

Hit the jump for the very worthwhile song and video.

Continue Reading " Daft Punk's TRON-Inspired Music Video "

Dec 8 2010 Mesmereyezing Magic Worm Is Mesmereyezing

See how I snuck "eye" into mesmerizing? That required a magic potion. Which reminds me -- I need to pick up some more sun-dried witch's nips the next time I'm at the wizard store. Damn yeah I saw Harry Potter trying to sneak into the adults only section last time I was there! Kid's a f***ing pervert. I've been staring at this picture for the last ten minutes and I still haven't gotten bored. What I have gotten is subliminal messages from some demon-lord telling me to stab my neighbor. SHE'S LIKE 200! Whoa whoa whoa -- undead sorceress, what?! *sharpening ceremonial blade*

Infinite Snake Animation to Screw with your Eyeballs [obviouswinner]

Dec 8 2010 FLY IN MY MOUTH!: Angry Birds Cake Pops

I leave my iPhone on the back of the toilet tank because I'm working on 3-starring all the Angry Bird levels while I sit on the john. So yeah, think twice before you borrow somebody else's phone -- your mouth is probably an inch away from shit particulate. [Insert transition to cake here] These are Angry Bird themed cake pops (cake balls covered in chocolate/decorations). Look good, don't they? They do. Which -- QUICK GUYS, I JUST SAW SOME BACON MAKING OFF WITH YOUR EGGS IN MY STOMACH! *licking lips* Works every time.

Hit the jump for an individual shot of each species.

Continue Reading " FLY IN MY MOUTH!: Angry Birds Cake Pops "

Dec 8 2010 Party!: C-3PO Piñata Packed With Fireworks

"Fire in your hole!"

Now that's a creepy looking piñata if I've ever seen one. And I have. Reminds me of having to sleep in the doll room at my grandma's house and just waiting for them to come alive and try to gut me. One time I pretended to fall asleep and then jumped out of bed real quick and like a dozen of the little blinky-eyed bastards were already crawling across the room towards me. Long story short: I threw my comforter over them, smashed them with a dresser, and burnt the house to the ground. You could hear their screams. God I hope those weren't actually her cats aside, this is a video of some guy stuffing a C-3PO piñata with fireworks and shooting it off into the wild blue yonder (complete with on-board camera!). It worked surprisingly well. Granted not as well as if you'd attached a string and tried beating it with a bat while it whizzed around your head, but somebody obviously doesn't understand the true meaning of Christmas.

Hit the jump for a happy ending (I hate C-3 is the thing).

Continue Reading " Party!: C-3PO Piñata Packed With Fireworks "

Dec 8 2010 There's No Denying It, The Dude Loves Risk

A young Geekologie Reader sent me this video of himself unveiling Risk (the board game) at music camp and Milton Bradley one of the Parker Bros. there in the orange sweatshirt flipping his shit about it to the point a chaperon has to come make sure the boys aren't OD'ing on Mountain Dew. Sadly, I don't think I've ever been so excited about anything in my entire life. Nothing, not even a surprise taco night. :/

Hit the jump for the OH YESS! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAH!! RISK IS MY FAVORITE BOARD GAME OF ALL TIME!! I LOVE RISK! WE"RE GOING ALL OUT RIGHT NOW! THIS IS IN-SANE!

Continue Reading " There's No Denying It, The Dude Loves Risk "

Dec 7 2010 The Ciiiiiiiiircle Miracle Of Life: MRI Of A Birth

My God -- that kid can probably see through walls.

So apparently a British team of scientists and health-care professionals has successfully documented a live birth with MRI technology through the use of a new "open" style machine, which allowed a rare glimpse into just WTF is going on when a woman is pushing a human fleshball out of her vagina (no need for romance here, folks -- this is science).

The team built a special "open MRI" scanner, a new type of machine whose open structure had the necessary space for the mother to give birth.

The new machine will enable the researchers to study in greater detail how the baby moves through the mother's pelvis and down the birth canal - issues that have long been studied and debated. The hospital's Institute for Radiology and Obstetrics Clinic will work closely together on the project.

Among other benefits, it should help researchers to understand why about 15 percent of pregnant women need a Caesarian section because the baby does not progress properly into the birth canal.

Interesting. I always thought babies just cartwheeled their slimy little asses out of vaginas, but apparently that's not the case. Or is it? No, I'm honestly asking. "Here GW, just watch this educational video." Oh -- oh God. What. the. fuuuuuuu *thud*

MRI scans live birth [thelocal]

Thanks to RenegadeChemist and Gutteral Retch, who, based on the eyes, both agree the woman was probably knocked up from one of those aliens from Mars Attacks!

Dec 7 2010 No Child Deserves A $16K Spaceship Bed

This 'Deep Space Fighter Bed' (which looks suspiciously like the lovechild of a TIE fighter and this Millennium Falcon bed) from PoshTots (PoshTots?! You've got to be f***ing kidding me!) costs $16,000 (although it does come with galaxy wall murals) and is just the thing to buy your child if you want them to grow up to be a self-entitled jerk.

Bring the drama of deep space dogfights to life with the Deep Space Fighter Bed and Galaxy Mural. Enjoy the nostalgia of intergalactic battle by teleporting your bedroom to the farthest reaches of your imagination and beyond...Your child can become the new hero of the galaxy and cherish their unique bed for generations.

Listen, the last thing I want to bring into the bedroom is the "drama of deep space dogfights" (or another man dressed as a woman). I don't need a bunch of atomic blasters and shit going off all night while I'm tryin' to get my beauty Z's. Which is exactly why I sleep with one of those "white noise" machines. No, no I don't. But I do sleep with the lights on because a ghost tried to touch my privates last night. "Uh, didn't you let him?" WELL OF COURSE I DID BUT THEN HE TRIED TO STEAL MY SOUL.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the of course I'm just jealous I can't afford one.

Continue Reading " No Child Deserves A $16K Spaceship Bed "

Dec 7 2010 Tom Sawyer, Zombie Destroyer: Riverboat Designed To Survive Zombie Apocalypse

Note: This is too small to appreciate, and not even the whole graphic, click HERE to see the whole thing.

Want to survive the zombie apocalypse? Good luck -- I give you two days, tops. One if you can't remember the last time you exercised. And no, taking the stairs once last week because the elevator was broken doesn't count. Enter the SS Huckleberry, a floating safe-haven designed to travel the Mississippi River, safely out of reach from brain-hungry zombies (and winner of the 2010 Zombie Safe House Competition). Plus you can even power the boats with diesel fuel made from decomposing zombodies. Ooooooor use them for fishing bait. Just sayin', you ever caught bass with a piece of dangling flesh before? I haven't, but I did catch a leech with my wiener while swimming in a lake once, so pretty close!

Riverboat zombie survival compound [make]

Thanks to Mih0, who plans on surviving the zombie apocalypse by pretending to be one. I'm not gonna lie, that sounds terrifying.

Dec 7 2010 Guy Builds Himself Functional Star Trek Door

Personally, I'm cool with a regular door provided the lock still works and the knob can hold a sock. But for some people that just isn't enough. Enter the 'Air-Powered Star Trek Door', a door that guarantees you'll never need to put a sock on the non-existent knob. Just kidding, I'm sure the ladies love this sort of thing.

An enterprising (heh) DIY engineer from Miami accomplished the task that Scottie couldn't by installing a door in his house that not only slides open like a real Star Trek door, but the compressed air that it uses exhausts out of a vent and provides that awesome real sound.

"I always wanted a piece of Star Trek and the Disney Monorail in my house, and one thing they have in common is that they both have automatic sliding doors," Mark wrote. "It would be the perfect, most geek-ified entryway for my bedroom. Only one problem: I was still in school and still lived at home with my mother in New Orleans. I had tried to convince her for years that installing a Star Trek Door would be a good idea, but it never happened. It wasn't until we were renovating our house after Hurricane Katrina that she finally caved in.

First of all, you really did do a great job (read: just needs a motion detector), so congratulations. Secondly, from a mother's standpoint, IT'S NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE STAR TREK DOORS INSTALLED IN YOUR HOME. No mom wants attention drawn away from her Precious Moments figurine collection. God, stop thinking about yourself all the time!

Hit the jump for a demonstration of the door in action. Doors opening -- exciting!

Continue Reading " Guy Builds Himself Functional Star Trek Door "

Dec 7 2010 Ho Ho Holy God That's Nerdy: Geek Wreath

The Geek Wreath is a cheap plastic wreath (possibly stolen from somebody's grave) with a bunch of broken computer parts glued to it. It's the perfect holiday door hanging to let burglars know, "not only am I into expensive electronics, but I'll put up little to no fight when you break in to take them". So, yeah -- have fun getting beat up and robbed by a guy in an elf hat. *gluing on pointy ears* What was your address again?

Holiday Wreath For Geeks [neatorama]

Dec 7 2010 Definitely The Droids You Were Looking For

Remember Black Milk's series of geeky swimwear, including the R2-D2 suit? Well they're back with a $85 C-3PO model to complement the trashcan one. No wonder Luke was always tinkering around with those droids. Get it? Because he wanted a love-bot. Dude would get so excited he couldn't even sleep the night before a Jawa swap meet!

Hit the jump for two more pics, including an ass-shot that inspired me to email the model about the importance of squats in a well-rounded (like a real ass!) exercise regimen.

Continue Reading " Definitely The Droids You Were Looking For "

Dec 7 2010 Sadness: Top 10 Yahoo! Searches Of 2010

Because I like depressing the hell out of myself (I've been told it builds character), the top 10 Yahoo! searches of 2010 are, in no a very particular order (read: from 1 to 10) are, drum-roll please:

1. BP Oil Spill
2. World Cup
3. Miley Cyrus
4. Kim Kardashian
5. Lady Gaga
6. iPhone
7. Megan Fox
8. Justin Bieber
9. American Idol
10. Britney Spears

To put things in perspective, I'm actually climbing over the railing of my balcony right now. I'm coming, sidewalk!

2010 YEAR IN REVIEW [yahoonews]
via
iPhone 4 Hotter Than Megan Fox on Yahoo's Top 10 Searches for 2010 [iphonesavior]

Thanks to Michael, who agrees the only thing sadder is the top ten AOL searches.

Dec 7 2010 You Know How I Feel About New Dinosaurs!

I love them is the thing. Seen here in two artist's renderings, the Koreaceratops ("Korea's horned face") is a cousin of the triceratops and a partially aquatic species rapidly moving up my sexual bucket-list. Just sayin', I've always wanted to make love underwater. RAAAAAAAAWR?! No. BLUBLUBLBULUBUB!

At approximately 5 to 6 feet long and weighing between 60 and 100 pounds, the animal was relatively small compared to its geologically younger, giant relatives like North America's Triceratops.

Koreaceratops had a parrot-like face with a beak at the front of its jaws, indicating it was an herbivore. The claws on its hind feet suggest that it was bipedal and moved at a fairly rapid speed. Koreaceratops had a unique fan-shaped tail formed by long neural spines, which suggests it may have been a good swimmer, and spent part of its time hunting for aquatic food.

First of all, naming the thing Koreaceratops just because it was found in Korea is a little tacky. That said, I'll be the first to admit any dinosaurs I discover will all be named GW'sbangbangosaurus followed by a numerical ranking of how they well they performed in the sack (read: prehistoric mud). For example, GW'sbangbangosaurus 31 will probably not receive a call the next day, while GW'sbangbangosaurus 4 can expect frequent sexts, and probably some light stalking. *wink* I KNOW WHERE YOU WATER-HOLE!

Scientists Discover 'Koreaceratops': First Horned Dino From Korea [foxnews]
and
Wikipedia Page

Thanks to Romeo and Slade, who know how to make a GW feel like Christmas came early this year. To the time machine!

Dec 6 2010 Shameless: George Lucas Buying Rights To Dead Actors To CG Them Back To Life?

Can you tell which one isn't a zombie? Trick question -- they're all dead to me.

Because George Lucas holds nothing sacred but his bottom line (and coif), he's allegedly been buying up the rights to use the likenesses of deceased actors to bring them back to the silver screen via CG. Listen George -- I don't know what the hell kind of sorcery you used to work with, but the magic's long gone, bro. It's time to put that broken lil' wand of yours away and call it quits.

According to Mel Smith--friend of George Lucas and director of Radioland Murders--the creator of Star Wars is "buying up the film rights to dead actors." He says that Lucas plans to resurrect them in future movies using 3D technology:

George has been buying up the film rights to dead actors in the hope of using computer trickery to put them all together, so you'd have Orson Welles and Barbara Stanwyck alongside today's stars.

Of course he has been. But you know what else I heard he's been doing? Your mom. (I topped off your gas and put a bat in the trunk -- you know what to do)

George Lucas Plans to Resurrect Dead Movie Stars [gizmodo]
via
George Lucas wants to resuscitate dead actors using computers [dvice]

Thanks to Christian, who calls George Lucas, "George Dufus". I'm not gonna lie, Christian, that's not even first-degree in the burn department.

Dec 6 2010 World's Hottest Chili Pepper Tops Previous World's Hottest Chili Pepper As World's Hottest

So is there like a national title-writing competition or something? I think I could place.

Seen here looking suspiciously like Satan's fiery turds, the Naga Viper was recently named the world's hottest chili pepper after beating out the previous hottest, Bhut Jolokia, by over 300,000 units on the Scoville scale of unholy hellfire.

Researchers at Warwick University testing the Naga Viper found that it measures 1,359,000 on the Scoville scale, which rates heat by tracking the presence of a chemical compound. In comparison, most varieties of jalapeño peppers measure in the 2,500 to 5,000 range -- milder than the Naga Viper by a factor of 270.

...the new pepper is actually the handiwork of Gerald Fowler, a British chili farmer and pub owner, who crossed three of the hottest peppers known to man -- including the Bhut Jolokia -- to create his Frankenstein-monster chili.

"It's painful to eat," Fowler told the Daily Mail. "It's hot enough to strip paint."

"It numbs your tongue, then burns all the way down," he told the paper. "It can last an hour, and you just don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. But it's a marvelous endorphin rush. It makes you feel great."

You know what else makes you feel great? Not shitting f***ing magma. Just sayin', if it can strip paint you better believe it can strip a butthole. Ever seen one? Just like a dried belly button.

World's hottest pepper is 'hot enough to strip paint' [yahoonews]

Thanks to Bloody Shadow, who doesn't shadowbox as much as he shadowstabs. I like your style!

Dec 6 2010 FEEL THE BURN: $600 Exercise Office Chair

You know what sucks about spending 9-5 at a desk? You can't work out. Well that, and absolutely everything else that prevents you from sleeping in and playing video games all day. But hey -- at least now we've got the exercise thing covered. Enter the $600 GymGym Exercise Chair. Per inventor Adam Ben-David (all first-names FTW!):

I want to support the American worker in transforming their lives by increasing their physical and mental health, self-image, fitness and creativity. GymyGym delivers a customizable, full-spectrum fitness solution within a powerful seating system.

Designed around patented resistance band technology, the GymyGym enables 16 core exercises to strengthen and stretch all major muscle groups. It boasts a patented flat-bungee seating system, which adapts itself to the body of the user to offer personalized support.

The whole problem with the GymGym (besides the name), is you can't actually get any work done while using it (unlike the Walkstation). You're gonna be fired faster than you can say, "let me just finish this Muscle Milk!" Which, fun fact: I stole from the break-room fridge this morning and replaced with non-dairy creamer. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT, SISSYBOY?!

Hit the jump for a product demonstration AND PREPARE TO GET RIPPED! Raaaawwwr -- RAAAAAAAWWR! (Can you tell I've been juicing?)

Continue Reading " FEEL THE BURN: $600 Exercise Office Chair "

Dec 6 2010 DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR SPRINT PHONE

Note: The whole, high-res conversation can be viewed HERE.

Geekologie Reader Jason found a Sprint cell phone (presumably at the bar on his way out with 4-6 beautiful womens) and, being the upstanding member of society that he is, contacted Sprint's online customer service in an attempt to return the phone to its rightful owner. This is the exchange that took place. I don't want to ruin it for you, but basically don't ever lose your Sprint phone. Or v-card. I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR DEATH, OKAY?! F***in' love a man with a scythe.

UPDATE: For those of you that are hard of reading, the phone's finder was never asking for the owner's info, he wanted SPRINT to send him a postage-paid box to ship to them, and for THEM to return the phone to it's owner.

Conversation [via email tip]

Thanks Jason, did you try calling 'Mom' or 'Dad' in the phone? I would've told them I was in jail and then hung up!

Dec 6 2010 Sadness: The United States Of Autocomplete

Note: Full-res version HERE.

This is a map of the United States showing the result of typing the name of each state in Google and displaying the first "autocomplete" option. Which, surprise!: are almost all college/sports related, the most notable exceptions being California Prop 19, Montana Fishburne, Illinois Lottery and Kentucky Fried Chicken. My alma mater Virginia Tech made the list though, so I'm not complaining. What I am doing is thinking about weed, pr0n, money and chicken. God, I just wanna put 'em all in a bag, shake it up real good and dump it all over myself. It's rainin' happiness!

The United States of Autocomplete [verysmallarray]
via
The United States of America According to Google Autocomplete [mashable]

Thanks to comfort eagle and Lucy, who both autocompleted high school with straight A's. Autocompleted, or cheated your way through? DUM DUM DUM!

Dec 6 2010 OH COME ON!: The Knife-Weilding Meat-Bot

Because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned robot armed, Japanese firm Mayekawa Electric has developed a robot programmed to bone a ham. And not like that pervert Old MacDonald either, I'm talking about actually removing the bone from the meat with a blade. Yipes!

Until now, boning 500 hams per hour required 20 people. But using HAMDAS-R, only 10 people are needed [GW's note: with the other 10 offered to Skynet in sacrifice]. The robot's consistent processing capability also makes production planning easier. From now on, Mayekawa intends to market HAMDAS-R worldwide, primarily in Europe and Japan.

"Thinking about irregularly shaped, soft items, most kinds of food come into this category, including fish and vegetables. We'd like to build up our know-how regarding how to automate their processing, so we can construct a general-purpose system for handling irregularly shaped, soft items."

"Irregularly shaped, soft items" -- hmmmm. I am looking a little doughy around the middle. *does like eight-thousand sit-ups* BOOYA -- somebody's abs are symmetrical and hard as granite. Just kidding, I puked after 20 and made a breakfast burrito.

One more terrifying photo and a disgusting raw-meat filled video after the jump.

Continue Reading " OH COME ON!: The Knife-Weilding Meat-Bot "

Dec 6 2010 And They Said It Couldn't Be Done: Avatar Superfan (Read: Nutjob) Gets Tattoo #8

Note: High-res shot HERE in case you hate your eyeballs.

Okay so they didn't so much say it couldn't be done as much as "it's a terrible idea, please please please don't do it", but Avatar uber-fan IGGY has received tattoo #8, this time straying from his typical creepy Neytiri motif in favor of one of those flying dragon thingies. *Googlin'* Right -- a mountain banshee. Although it looks suspiciously like melanoma if you ask me. That's not something you just get covered up, bro!

Hit the jump for a bunch more pics, in the last two of which you can see dude's Forest of Pandora chest-hair FROM THE BACK. Damn you a sessy man.

Continue Reading " And They Said It Couldn't Be Done: Avatar Superfan (Read: Nutjob) Gets Tattoo #8 "

Dec 6 2010 Naughty Santa And Polar Bear At Walmart.com

Get an igloo, God!

What, reindeer and elves not doing it for you anymore? Seen here about to ride the Polar Express to Plowtown on a bear wearing a scarf, Santa apparently decided to add himself to the naughty list this year. You krinky, Saint Nick! Which -- you didn't actually mean to leave the switches at my house last year, did you? That's what I was afraid of: sex toys.

Walmart Product Site

Thanks to Sarah, who swears she saw Mrs. Claus getting down with a penguin in somebody's yard this year. NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!

Dec 5 2010 L337 Speak: Video Game Dictionary Of Idioms

This is a little gallery from the pages of a make-believe dictionary of video game idioms. Two of the ten are Zelda references, so it's instantly okay in my book. What's not okay in my book is wiping boogers between the pages. That's nasty. Grow up and eat them like a normal person.

Hit the jump for the rest of the words of wisdom.

Continue Reading " L337 Speak: Video Game Dictionary Of Idioms "

Dec 5 2010 Desecrating Childhoods: Muppet Burlesque

Note: Jump is NSFW on account of disturbing imagery (read: pastied children's show characters).

Who knew Sesame Street was in the red light district? I did not. I'm kind of wishing I still didn't. But on account of my unbiased journalistic integrity, this is a series of photos taken at the recent 'Muppet Show Part Deux' burlesque extravaganza in NYC. That's Ms. Piggy there. Snout nips, yo. Hit the jump to see all your favorite characters in ways not even the very sickest of your brains could have imagined. And that's saying a lot because at least half of you should be locked up on account of your imaginations alone. You think I haven't probed your mind before? Snuck in through the butt.

Hit the jump and instantly regret it.

Continue Reading " Desecrating Childhoods: Muppet Burlesque "

Dec 4 2010 Couple Wins Google Lawsuit, Awarded $1

Back in 2008, Pittsburghers Aaron and Christine Boring (*yawn*) began the process of suing Google for invasion of privacy after a Google Street View car trespassed 1,000 feet up their private drive (marked 'NO TRESPASSING') to take pictures. Finally, a settlement has been reached, with the Borings (*Zzzzzzzzzz*) being awarded the life-changing sum of $1. Demand all nickels!

The Borings said in a statement released by Zegarelli that the amount of the judgment isn't the issue.

"This is one sweet dollar of vindication," the statement said. "Google could have just sent us an apology letter in the very beginning, but chose to try to prove they had a legal right to be on our land. We are glad they finally gave up."

Both sides will pay their own attorney fees.

Whoa whoa whoa -- paying your own attorney fees?! So you spent thousands to win a single point-proving dollar? Somebody needs to learn how to pick their battles! Because I'm not gonna lie -- this was a bad one. If this had been a Pokémon battle I would've chosen 'Run'.

Google admits trespassing in Pa., pays couple $1 [newsvine]

Thanks to Bobo Smurfer, Eric and Melissa, who would have sued for a Google treasure map.

Dec 4 2010 Nowhere To Run, Nowhere To Hide: XM-25 Laser-Guided Grenade Launcher Now In Use

Remember the XM-25 Smartgun we've reported on in the past? Of course not, you can't even remember where you parked your car at the mall. BY MACY'S NOT BLOOMINGDALES YOU DINGALING. Anyway, the XM-25 is officially in the hands of troops in Afghanistan and shoots grenades that can be detonated at any specified distance. Preferably further than closer.

The gun's stats are formidable: it fires 25mm air-bursting shells up to 2,300 feet (700 meters), well past the range of most rifles used by today's soldiers, and programs them to explode at a precise distance, allowing troops to neutralize insurgents hiding behind walls, rocks or trenches or inside buildings.

"You get behind something when someone is shooting at you, and that sort of cover has protected people for thousands of years," Lehner said.

"Now we're taking that away from the enemy forever."

Call me old fashioned, but I still prefer ninja-ing up on my enemies from behind and stabbing them in the back. Then teabagging them. Which, for the record, is not a war crime. Generally frowned upon, sure, but not a crime.

Laser-guided grenade launcher detonates explosives at exact distances [dvice]
and
US deploys 'game-changer' weapon to Afghanistan [yahoonews]

Thanks to Mutt, Josh and Dubfender, who still prefer throwing grenades. It is fun, isn't it? FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Dec 3 2010 This Is NOT The DROID You Were Calling For: Phone Explodes In Use, Head-Trauma Ensues

WARNING: Picture after the jump is graphic on account of one of the bloodiest ears I've ever seen. "Eh, I've seen bloodier." Good for you.

A Texas man was unseriously injured after his Motorola Droid exploded in his ear after ending a call. TOLD YA'LL YOU CAN'T TRUST THOSE THINGS.

Aron Embry was at Ray Elementary in Cedar Hill at the time of the incident. The man said he had just finished a call when he said he heard a loud "pop."

He then felt something trickling down his face; it was blood.

His ear then began to bleed profusely, and he was immediately taken to the emergency room at Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas. He received four stitches, but said there was no hearing loss.

The glass on the face of the Motorola Droid smartphone apparently shattered. He said he had just purchased it just two days ago.

The phone still appears to be functioning, and its battery was intact.

Droids, yo, they want you dead. And you know what other kind of cell phone does too you? All of them. Ear cancer -- you just wait.

Hit the jump for a picture of what Edward Cullen dreams about at night, as well as a local news report about the incident.

Continue Reading " This Is NOT The DROID You Were Calling For: Phone Explodes In Use, Head-Trauma Ensues "

Dec 3 2010 Up, Up And Awaaaaay!: The Balloon Bench

The Balloon Bench from Japanese design firm h220430(?!?!) may look like a bench being floated away by balloons, but it's just an illusion. Also, the tooth fairy isn't so much a fairy as a goblin that tries to impregnate you with demon babies while you sleep. Which is exactly why I chipped all my baby teeth out with my Junior Archeologist's handpick and threw them down a well when I was six. NO FIERY DEMON BABIES IN THIS ASS, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Anyway, the balloons are plastic and have to be bolted to the ceiling. You know what would be cooler? If somebody invented a gas with negative gravity that could actually float the weight of a bench and person if you filled a couple balloons with it. So yeah, somebody get on that. *AHEM* I'm looking at you, God. But not directly, because I ain't going out like those Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

One more shot of a different model after the jump.

Continue Reading " Up, Up And Awaaaaay!: The Balloon Bench "

Dec 3 2010 Timeline Of The Best Christmas Presents

Note: Please don't squint and damage your eyes -- God knows they've already suffered enough from all the masturbating. Click HERE to see a high-res version.

This is the (Subjective) Timeline of the Best Gifts Ever. I guess it's not really Christmas-specific like I mentioned in the title, but I'm a liar and I have a drinking problem. Anyway, I was born in '81 so the chart is only a year off for me, and fairly accurate. As a matter of fact, the only things on the list I've never had are the Fashion Plates and Clueless shoes (although I specifically asked for both), iPod, camera, iPad and iPhone 4. Which -- WTF is up with all the Apple stuff anyway? STOP ASKING FOR THAT STUFF, FOLKS. Fun fact: every time a stocking is stuffed with an Apple product instead of something from Santa's workshop Santa has to murder an elf because he doesn't have the heart to lay them off. Do you want that on your head? I don't. But a propeller beanie? Absolutely.

The Subjective Timeline of the Best Gifts Ever [milo]

Thanks to The Lion The Witch and the HJ, who, OH REAL MATURE!

Dec 3 2010 Yes Please!: 40-Proof 'Adult Chocolate Milk'

Perfect for the 6-year old boozehound in your life. (We all know one)

Adult Bev. Co. is releasing a line of alcoholic beverages based on the shit you loved to drink as a kid. WHAT, NO TANG?! Kidding, I never drank Tang growing up, but I did try tinkle once. YES MY OWN, SICKO.

A good drink takes you back to being less stressed, right? Well, we've figured out a way to take you all the way back to a time when you had no idea what worries were. Packaged inside retro-chic bottles, our Adult Chocolate Milk, Adult Orange Cream, Adult Fruit Punch and Adult Limeade have the tastes that instantly bring you back to your innocence. But thanks to our amazing mixology know-how, there's a nice buzz hidden inside that nostalgic taste. You'll forget all about what stressed you out in the first place.

Currently only the (20% alcohol) Chocolate Milk is available, but the others are supposed to be coming soon. Which, I don't know about you, but I'm excited about. I'm gonna get so drunk if I had a wife and kids they'd wanna leave me!

Official Product Site

Thanks to Christian Tearanny AKA The June Cleaver of BDSM, who, oh God, please don't hurt me.

Dec 3 2010 Luke I Am Your Lorax: Seuss/Star War Mashup

Geekologie Reader Tom D sent me a link on behalf of his friend, Adam Watson, who's currently working on a Dr. Seuss/Star Wars mashup project. Basically, they're Star Wars characters in the style of Dr. Seuss. I think they're pretty spot on if you ask me. And speaking of spot on -- is it true spotting ammonia on a blood stain will get it out? Really?! Even on trunk upholstery? I'm asking for a friend. One I killed. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! (Don't tell anybody)

Hit the jump for five more of the 'I will not eat glitterstim and Han'.

Continue Reading " Luke I Am Your Lorax: Seuss/Star War Mashup "

Dec 3 2010 Mmmmmmm, Wise Men: The Meat Nativity

This is a nativity made entirely out of meat. Okay, and some hash browns and pretzel sticks. I particularly love how all the wise men are wearing tin-foil helmets. Star of Bethlehem: miraculous sign or alien spacecraft. Only baby Jesus knows for sure, and he's not talking. Not to me anyway. I mean seriously, how much praying to win the lottery is too much praying to win the lottery? "At all"? Woopsie daisy.

So awesome [sayuncle]

Thanks to Blaqk Panda, who tried to cut corners and use animal crackers for all the nativity beasts and ended up burning his house down.

Dec 3 2010 Chiller Killer: Ninja Star Refrigerator Magnets

Personally, I hot-glue my ladyfriend hot-glues magnets to the back of beer bottle caps to stick things (grocery lists, dino doodles, photobooth pictures, etc.) to the fridge. I dunno, something about being ultra-classy. Plus it goes with my alcohol motif. But maybe your kitchen has more of a feudal Japan thing going on. Your ass needs ninja star magnets, bro.

Each black set [$18] comes with 2 Ninja Shuriken Magnets in a ninja style package.

The most impressive weapon that a ninja holds is definitely the mysterious "shuriken". In the early days, delivering secret marks were an important mission for ninja. This product connects the connotation of shuriken and secret mark to imply that an announcement always carries an important message.

Alternatively, swing by the ninja-sword kiosk at the mall and pick up some real shurikens. Then stand in front of the fridge -- SHOELESS -- and start throwing. And remember: you're not a real ninja until you're missing toes. Just sayin', those ninja turtles only have two per foot and they're badasses! Think about it.

Hit the jump for two more shots of the fridge killers and a link to the product site.

Continue Reading " Chiller Killer: Ninja Star Refrigerator Magnets "

Dec 3 2010 Air Force Builds 1,760 PS3 Supercomputer

Can you say YOUR armed forces' supercomputer was built entirely out of gaming consoles by the same company who invented the Walkman? I think not! Enter the Air Force's 1,760 Playstation 3 supercomputer, allegedly the 33rd largest supercomputer IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.*

Yes, the Air Force's crazy PS3 computer consists of all those gaming consoles, stripped of their Blu-ray functionality, connected to 168 seperate graphical processing units and 84 coordinating servers. It's used "for things like research into AI, fast processing of satellite pictures and the enhancement of radar."

Nice, I assume it can still stream Netflix though, on account of the movie on the screen there. AND YOU BETTER HAVE NOT PAID FOR 1,760 SUBSCRIPTIONS EITHER, AIR FORCE. You think I won't whip your ass in some Peggle? BRING IT, ACE!

*Alien supercomputers excluded.

The Air Force's PlayStation 3 supercomputer [dvice]

Dec 2 2010 NASA's Press Conference On Alien Life

SPOILER: it's on earth, in a poisonous lake here in California. Wait, what?! BOOOOOOOOO!! I was hoping for some of those bug-eyed bastards with the glowing fingers and androgynous nether-regions. You know -- some sessy-ass aliens.

In a surprising revelation, NASA scientist Felisa Wolfe Simon and her team have found a bacteria whose DNA is completely alien to what we know today, working differently than the rest of the organisms in the planet. Instead of using phosphorus, the newly discovered microorganism--called GFAJ-1 and found in Mono Lake, California--uses the poisonous arsenic for its building blocks.

Like NASA's Ed Weiler says: "The definition of life has just expanded."

NASA's geobiologist Pamela Conrad thinks that the discovery is huge and "phenomenal," comparing it to the Star Trek episode in which the Enterprise crew finds Horta, a silicon-based alien life form that can't be detected with tricorders because it wasn't carbon-based. It's like saying that we may be looking for new life in the wrong places with the wrong methods.

Awesome, so we should start looking for arsenic and other element-based lifeforms, instead of just phosphorus. Not to piss on any toes, but I would have already been doing that. Still, "the definition of life has just expanded", that's a really exciting notion. BUT AS SOON AS IT'S EXPANDED TO INCLUDE ROCKS SCIENCE IS DEAD TO ME.

NASA Finds New Life [gizmodo]

Thanks to Chris, &ndR3w-san, Enormosaurus, Amanda, Captain Cramp, gr3vr, Owen, R-Man Amazing, Peterman, jojo, Elizabeth, Alicia, Brandon, Eric, alyson, Matt, Andi, Alex, Gutteral Retch, Seth, Esteban, Dany, Leon, miko, Sean, coprohead, Nuclear Xmas, Etienne, cocoa and anybody who didn't include "NASA" or "alien" in their tip, who all had their fingers crossed for some serious Area 51 UFO declassifications. Ditto, guys. Mad booboo.

Dec 2 2010 NEEDLE TO THE VEIN!: A LEGO Syringe

I hate needles. Needles and robots can both go jump into a volcano as far as I'm concerned. Preferably one that leads straight to hell. But NOT a beach, because I stepped on a needle at the beach once and -- joking, that was a jellyfish. Still hurt though. Not as bad as the time I had to pry my arm out of the jaws of a shark, but I did run into a burning house to save like eight-hundred kittens once. F***ing animal hoarders. Want to know how to make a LEGO syringe? You're in luck, because LEGO-builder Sean Michael Ragan has already done all the heavy lifting. But not leg-lifting, because he isn't territorial. Me? Already marked every wall in the new apartment.

Hit the jump for blue and radioactive versions, along with the build diagram and a link to Sean's website (with piece list) and Etsy store (where he sells kits for $20).

Continue Reading " NEEDLE TO THE VEIN!: A LEGO Syringe "

Dec 2 2010 Arts & Crafts: DIY Paper Star Wars Snowflakes

Why so serious, Luke?

Geekologie Reader Dave made these paper snowflakes (Boba Fett & clone trooper version after the jump) with his children to use as Christmas decorations. You can make some yourself if you'd like -- you don't even need kids! But you will need scissors, so don't run with them. Kidding -- I say live a little!

Hit the jump for the Boba/clone trooper flake.

Continue Reading " Arts & Crafts: DIY Paper Star Wars Snowflakes "

Dec 2 2010 Mario And Luigi Spotted In Real Life

This is a picture from San Jose, California somebody snapped of real-life Mario and Luigi walking down the street. As you can see, it looks like Mario wants to shove a red-shell up the photographer's ass. Luigi? He's probably ordering a pizza. Or sexy-talkin' Peach. "Remember that time we both took invincibility stars and did it on a giant mushroom? Yeah well mine wore off before yours and now my penis is fried."

Mario and Luigi IRL [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Ashley, who claims she once saw Bowser in real life. Ashley, you were tripping and that was a turtle, you're not fooling anybody.

Dec 2 2010 The Other Sparkly Meat: Fake 'Unicorn Meat' Product Gets Flagged By German Customs

Remember ThinkGeek's fake 'Canned Unicorn Meat' April Fools' product? Well it turns out they made it into a real product (that consists of a dismembered stuffed-animal unicorn in a can), and German customs isn't too thrilled people are trying to import it. Per an email received by ThinkGeek:

Folks,

I just learned that it is not very helpful to describe the "canned unicorn meat" as "canned unicorn meat" on the invoice when trying to import this.

Customs get really irritated as it's supposedly food and meat of a "rare" animal. For the sake of keeping things smooth please label it as "canned unicorn (plush toy)" or something less conspicuous.

My delicous unicorn is stuck in customs for almost a week now.

Best regards,

Ingomar

If it's not wurst, we don't want it in the country! German sausages aside, who would want to eat a unicorn anyways? Torture them and use their tears in potions, sure, but actually eating them? That's barbaric. ($2K to the first person to saw off one's corn, I'm trying to make a love sex potion).

ThinkGeek Product Site
via
ThinkGeek's "Canned Unicorn Meat" Gag Gift Delayed at German Border as Rare Meat [geekosystem]

Thanks to J.D. and Ulri, who both tried griffin burgers but complained they were too gamey for their tastes. Two words: phoenix hot-wings. They'll blow through their a-holes like fireballs.

Dec 2 2010 Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold With A Bag Of Popcorn And A Netflix Subscription?

Allegedly some guy's girlfriend played with some other dude's wiener and he was all "not cool!" and they broke up. So what did he do? Logged into her Netflix account and rated movies until all her suggestions were about infidelity. Boy, you sure got her good! Sitting at the computer sobbing and meticulously rating movies to try to get The Scarlett Letter and Indecent Proposal to appear on the same page. Not what I would have done, but I reckon whatever helps you begin the healing process. You know what they say, "different strokes for different folks." Speaking of which -- your girlfriend and some other guy's junk. Too soon?

How a Betrayed Boyfriend Took Revenge On His Cheating Girlfriend, Using Netflix [gizmodo]

Dec 2 2010 Noah...Where Are The Dinosaurs?: Full-Scale Noah's Ark Replica To Be Built In Cincinnati

So apparently they're going to build a full-scale replica of Noah's Ark outside of Cincinnati. How big is full scale? HUUUUUUUUUGE. I think. But apparently still not big enough to accommodate any dinosaurs. It's enough to make a man question his faith.

Answers In Genesis, which built and operates the religious-themed attraction, plans to build a full-scale wooden replica of Noah's Ark based on biblical descriptions.

The $24.5 million project will be constructed by the same team that built the Creation Museum.

The religious ministry is soliciting online donations to help construct the project, which they expect to draw an estimated 1.6 million visitors per year.

Ken Ham, president and CEO of Answers In Genesis, cites poll data showing that an estimated 63 percent of Americans would visit a full-scale replica of Noah's Ark if one were built in the U.S.

63% of Americans said they'd visit? Is that like, with free airfare and hotel accommodations? Seems steep. But, more importantly -- is there gonna be a petting zoo? And what about a gift shop? Because I will require stuffed-animal proof that I visited.

Full-Scale Replica Of Noah's Ark Planned for outside Cincinnati [cnn]

Thanks to emm jay, who's saving his tourism dollars for a Botanical Garden of Eden.

Dec 2 2010 No Thank You: Turn Your Face Into A 3-D Urn

Let's not kid ourselves: any urn without a really badass looking dragon on top is creepy. And an urn that looks like your ugly mug is just about as creepy as they come. Obviously, the only thing worse would be genitalia-shaped urns, which I can't believe I just wrote. I bet you willed me to write that. You're a real sicko, you know that?

Personal Cremation Urns are the latest in custom personalized cremation urns. They are created from one or two photographs with exceptional attention to details. The full sized personal urn can hold all the ashes of an adult.

The personal urn does not come with hair. For hair we can digitally add hair if you wish, or wigs can be used. A Plaque and nameplate are also available.

$2,600 gets one made, but killing your husband/wife is entirely up to you. Although I do happen to know some people. Granted nobody that'll kill your spouse, but I might be able to get you a used tape deck if the price is right.

Hit the jump for a couple more examples, including an Obama model. WTF?!

Continue Reading " No Thank You: Turn Your Face Into A 3-D Urn "

Dec 2 2010 Burn, Little Men!: Melted Army Men Bowls

I can't count how may hours of my youth were spent having checker wars with plastic army men. And not just because I'm a bad counter, but I did give the bartender $17 for a $62 tab last night. Ha, not tip, in total. Apparently I'm not welcome back there. Anyway, these are plastic bowls made out of melted army men. Now I know what you're thinking, but no, they won't hold eggnog.

War bowl was designed by Dominic Wilcox in 2002. It has since been exhibited and sold in the world's most exclusive galleries and shops.

The War bowl is hand made using model figures from historic battles.

You can get a blue 'Battle of Waterloo' bowl above made with half British Artillery and half French Infantry soldiers, or a white 'English Civil War' bowl made with half Royalist and half Republican soldiers. What you can't get is one for cheaper than $248, which is why I just ordered 400 buckets of green army men and a wok off eBay. F***in' Daddy Warbucks over here! "Rock solid tie-in, GW." Thanks, I've been drinking!

Hit the jump for a bunch of closeups of both bowls and a link to the product site.

Continue Reading " Burn, Little Men!: Melted Army Men Bowls "

Dec 1 2010 Up For Auction: Dr. Who TARDIS Murphy Bed

Did anybody else know there was a bed in that thing? Because I didn't. Of course, you could write a small pamphlet about all the the things I don't know. Sike! They'd all fit on one side of a Post-It. Anyway, some talented craftsman is selling the Tardis pull-out bed he made for his son because he's grown up and doesn't want to sleep in a phone-booth time-machine spaceship anymore. ????? YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD TO SLEEP IN A PHONE-BOOTH TIME-MACHINE SPACESHIP! Are you, Doctor? Doctor? *poking with a Sonic Screwdriver* Uh-oh.

I am personally endorsed by Sir Richard Taylor of Weta Workshop, for being a multitalented artist including restoration, of just about anything and exquisite one off handmade models. Sir Richard has my models in his collection in the foya of Weta

Impressive. Unfortunately for your kids, bidding is already up to $3,200 New Zealand (~$2,400 US) with eight days bidding remaining. So yeah, looks like it's back to sleeping in the barn for them. Haha, you thought I didn't know?! One time I saw little Jimmy with a piece of straw in his hair and figured it out! Just kidding, he told me he sleeps in the barn.

Doctor Who Tardis bed handmade [trademe] (with a bunch more pictures and info about the actual construction/features)
via
Badass Homemade Bed of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Sara, who used to sleep in a replica of the BTTF DeLorean time machine. Jealous!

Dec 1 2010 When You See It, You'll Pass LEGO Bricks

Note: Check the filename if you're really having trouble. Also, never attempt the hidden-picture on the back of a Highlights.

I bet Han shot first after all! Get it? Because he's a selfish lover!

Greedo Was A... [buzzfeed]

Dec 1 2010 TRON Light Cycle Replicas, Now With Video

Note: Video of the cycle's maiden voyages after the jump.

Remember the replica Light Cycles that Parker Brothers Choppers (not to be confused with the makers of Monopoly, Clue and Sorry!) were selling commissions for on eBay? Well the first couple have been made, and there's a video to prove it. Also, that aliens exist, BUT THE GOVERNMENT WON'T RELEASE THAT ONE.

The bike is supposed to be street legal, but it appears to have very little steering and it looks like it would lever over if you lean at all. The bike weighs 474 pounds and is a bit over 100 inches long and 23-inches wide. There are four of the ten bikes built left and they are going for $55,000 each now.

They do look impressive to say the least, although I was more than a little disappointed nobody took one full throttle. What is this, amateur hour? I'd have taken that puppy to light-speed(!!!!!!!!) AND THEN TURNED MY ROCKET PACK TO 11. Just sayin', they don't call me Evil Geeknievel for nothing! Actually, nobody calls me that. I did get called a wanker last night though, so there's that. Knock first -- you know the lock is broken!

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " TRON Light Cycle Replicas, Now With Video "

Dec 1 2010 Want: $48 'Cigarette Pack' Cell Phone Jammer

Sadly, cell phone jammers are illegal in the U.S. because this country believes in allowing the loudest, most annoying people to talk freely on their cell phones wherever they want -- usually right next to you. Which reminds me: I was at Target the other day stocking up on Magnum Bazooka condoms and this lady stopped dead in her tracks to scream into her phone for a minute. You wanna know what I did? Waved down the nearest employee and told him she needs help finding enema bags. True story.

Disguised as a pack of cigarettes, the so-called "world's smallest cellphone jammer" disables a cluster of frequencies, mainly GSM and 3G signals within a 32-feet radiius -- turning crystal clear babbling into ear-splitting static. This could come in handy when trying to block out mommy from shouting at daddy for the umpteenth time. Price for quiet? $46.

In the U.S. cellphone jammers are illegal, with anyone caught with one punishable with a fine of $11,000 and up to a year in jail time.

Now, since they ARE illegal here, and the consequences are pretty hefty, I can't really recommend you go buy one for yourself. But I CAN recommend you go buy one for a friend and forget to ever give it to them. *wink* F*** I should go into politics.

Product Site
via
World's smallest cellphone jammer looks like a pack of cigs [dvice]

Dec 1 2010 NEVER A Happy Ending: Lil' Robo-Masseuse

Who wants a body massage? Yes, that was a G.I. Joe PSA quote. Porkchop sandwiches! So was that. Look at all your different colored hats! Okay that was the last one, I swear. Cha-meeko-ma fahs malilahdehd wehd-lav, ah watcha people rhile she do it like kahm butta CHOOKA fun time da yeh time fiddy bus ridah! sunshine da yeh ah time fiddy bus ridah! HAHA -- I LIED STRAIGHT TO YOUR FACE! This is a little robot masseuse named WheeMe (not to be confused with your cheap Wii knock-off's avatars) that drives around on your back, doing little to no actual massaging.

"WheeMe" is a palm-sized massage bot that looks like a miniature tank, or a weighted computer mouse with wheels. It works best on the body's horizontal surfaces, according to DreamBots, its manufacturer, and is really designed for use on the back, while the person being massaged lies face-down. The WheeMe actually uses tilt sensors so it can roll around without falling off your side

As the robot rolls around, nylon "fingerettes" massage your body, which should appealing to those who find full-size fingers grotesquely large. The little guy weighs only 0.73 pounds, so it won't exactly provide a deep tissue massage, but DreamBots promises "a delightful sense of bodily pleasure."

I dunno, sounds kinda junky. I mean, it's not even a pound. I dunno about you, but I need some serious pressure during a massage. Like a timed math test or somebody threatening to stab me. God, I can feel myself loosening up just thinking about. HIYO -- there went my bowels.

Hit the jump for another shot and a video of the failbot in action.

Continue Reading " NEVER A Happy Ending: Lil' Robo-Masseuse "

Dec 1 2010 Stocking Stuffers!: 4 Designs From Tokyoflash

Tokyoflash just released four new designs in time for the holidays and they are, clockwise(!!!!!111) from top left: the Transit, Joypad, Lightspeed and RPM. The first three designs are available in both black and white (but NOT red all over. If yours is red all over you're probably bleeding from the elbow) and cost $80-$95. The round RPM is only available in black and will set you back around $200. So yeah, if you've ever considered owning a Tokyoflash design now might be the time(!!!!!!!11111). I'm particularly fond of the Joypad myself. And no, I didn't get paid to say that. Or any free watches. But I will look into a possible giveaway if you want me to. And not just because I'm trying to move up to Santa's "nice" list from the "naughty" one, but I did run over a bum this weekend so I probably have some ground to make up.

Tokyoflash Product Site (click to see them all, learn how to read them, etc., etc.)

Dec 1 2010 Fire Leads Police Chief To 'Most Grisly Murder Scene In His 35 Years In Law Enforcement'

But it was just an old horror movie set! But did that stop police from spending 8-hours overtime investigating the scene before realizing it was fake? You can bet your rubber severed leg and Karo-syrup blood it didn't!

Firefighters who responded to a hotel blaze stumbled upon a blood-spattered hotel room littered with bottles of alcohol and even a piece of a scalp.

Police Chief J.R. Blyth, who was called in to investigate, described the discovery at the George Washington Hotel in Pittsburgh as 'the most grisly murder scene in his 35 years in law enforcement'.

Detectives had spent eight hours of overtime on the investigation before Chief Blyth realised the blood wasn't real and that the murder scene was in fact the leftover set of a horror movie filmed two years ago with Corey Haim.

The film called New Terminal Hotel shot a scene in the hotel and the owner, Kyrk Pyros, decided to leave the room untouched in case the crew had to come back for re-shoots.

Mr Pyros was bemused by the police's discovery of the 'crime scene'.

WOW. So it took multiple detectives more than 8-hours to realize it wasn't a real murder scene? That's what you call the opposite of detectiving. On the detective scale from 1-10 that makes you unfit to play an extra in a Police Academy remake.

Police chief investigates 'most grisly murder in 35 years' before discovering blood-spattered scene is a horror movie set [dailymail]

Thanks to Seth, who agrees it might be best to hire a private investigator in Pittsburgh.

Dec 1 2010 Storm-Proof Matches Can Be Doused w/ H2O, Stomped & Buried And Still Continue To Burn

Smokey the Bear isn't laughing.

This is a video from a Youtube user dalemclmm testing REI's Storm Proof Matches. Tests include: burial, stomping and water-dousing, then all three at once. I'm not really surprised the matches survive considering they're sulfur-coated (versus a traditional wax-dip for weatherproofing), it's just impressive to watch. $5.50 gets you two boxes of 25 matches. Plus I read in the product reviews they're great for performing tricks to impress women at the bar. As in, "hey sessy lady -- I bet you the shirt you're wearing I can dunk this match in water and it'll still burn". BOOM -- another novelty Christmas sweater for your closet! (Next time wait for somebody younger).

Hit the jump for the short but neat-to-watch video and a link to product site.

Continue Reading " Storm-Proof Matches Can Be Doused w/ H2O, Stomped & Buried And Still Continue To Burn "