Nov 30 2010 Giving Gamers A Bad (Read: Worse) Name

I can't tell if this is better or worse than the World of Warcraft players that also bought fleshlights but -- just kidding, this is way worse. So to recap: playing WoW and using a fake vajayjay > playing CoD and sitting in your own homemade fudge. Unless you're actively pleasuring yourself to your own level 20 female night elf (level 20 -- really?!) in which case using a fake vajayjay is = sitting in your own fudge. Regardless, these are by far the two saddest things a person can do.

Amazon Product Page
via
Frequently Bought Together of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Nov 30 2010 You Nasty!: C-3POooooooh Tape Dispenser

"Come heeeeeere, little Anakin". Geez, no wonder he Vaded out, amirite?

I assume this is some kind of knock-off novelty product from overseas based on C3's come hither look. You know, and the fact his peen is a roll of tape. But who knows, with George Lucas being the money-grubber he is, it might be an actual licensed product. But that's not the point, the point is I must have it, at any cost. Many Bothan's lives? I'LL MURDER THOSE FURRIES WITH MY BARE HANDS!

C3PO Will Happily Dispense Your Tape [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Clark, who once stabbed a Bothan because he saw a bunch of money hanging out of his pocket. Turned out to be a folded newspaper.

Nov 30 2010 Nerdy Music Video: Cosplay With My Heart

This is a College Humor produced song and music video entitled 'Cosplay With My Heart'. It's supposed to be a parody of some song by Bruno Mars, who I just had to do some research to discover isn't the super-flamboyant judge from Dancing with the Stars. Hey, you learn something new everyday. Unfortunately, most is just crapola that takes up valuable space in your brain. The more you know (the less you think, so...puree some ginseng in every drink?). If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go play in traffic.

Hit the jump for the song and video, which isn't particularly good, but neither was this post, so we're even. Bonus surprise ending.

Continue Reading " Nerdy Music Video: Cosplay With My Heart "

Nov 30 2010 Turning Google Translate Into A Beat-Box

If you haven't heard about this already, you can go to Google Translate and create your own fresh beats to rap over, record, and then use to seal a record deal. God knows you have more talent than most of the asshats on the radio -- and you're practically talentless! Instructions/guide:

1) Go to Google Translate

2) Set the translator to translate German to German
3) Copy + paste the following into the translate box: pv zk pv pv zk pv zk kz zk pv pv pv zk pv zk zk pzk pzk pvzkpkzvpvzk kkkkkk bsch
4) Click "listen"
5) Be amazed :)

zk = suspended cymbal
bschk = snare
pv = brush
bk = bass
tk = flam1
vk = roll tap
kt = flam2
kttp = flam tap
krp = hi hat tap
pv = short roll
th = better hi hat
thp, ds = instant rimshot.

Now get out there and start recording my little rap stars! Then, when you make it big, I want to be in your music video pouring champagne on all the fly-ass honeys. OR driving the expensive sports car. Or off camera in your trailer smoking weed, I really don't care, anything. Oh, and a producer credit.

How To Turn Google Translate Into Google Beatbox [techcrunch]

Thanks to The Bailey, darwyn4, and my brother SuperFrank, who all created beats so fresh your eardrums would swear they were picked this morning.

Nov 30 2010 God Bless America: Little Girls With Guns

Warms the heart, doesn't it? It really does. I love how they're not even standing on the ground, but in chairs and on the table. Safety first, you know? Oh, and for all you 3 to 7-year old Geekologie readers out there, these are NOT the girls you're gonna want to date in ten years. And not just because they'll snipe you for breaking up with them, because you'll probably never even live that far. No, long before your parting headshot their father is gonna blow you a new a-hole for bringing them home late. Just sayin', you want to go #2 out the side of a buttcheek for the rest of your life? Of course you do, you'll be able to handle all your waste management at a urinal. I know I'm jealous!

Family Funs with Children and Guns [obviouswinner]

Thanks to Chris, who agrees guns are an important part of a child's development.

Nov 30 2010 Hiking The Runway: Teva High Heel Sandals

I honestly didn't know Teva still made sandals. I thought that fad had come and gone years ago. *ahem* You're next, teen paranormal romance! Vampire sex. You girls oughta be ashamed.

Teva sandals are no longer for granola-crunching outdoors types. Now the fashion-conscious adventurer can go straight from the rugged rocks to the black-tie fundraiser without missing a beat.

The heels, an ungodly creation of Teva and NY-based clothing company Grey Ant, are available in two styles: "Worlds Unite" (aka black and white) and "Natural" (aka tan) and retail for the low-low price of $330.00.

I've never owned Tevas but I used to have a pair of Birkenstocks back in the day but my dog ate them. Literally, ate them. Two days later he shat four brass buckles and that was that.

Hit the jump for some action-shots of the heels in use.

Continue Reading " Hiking The Runway: Teva High Heel Sandals "

Nov 30 2010 The Gaming Alphabet, From Atari To Zelda

Note: Larger version HERE.

Brazilian designer/illustrator Maicon Costa (aka Maicon MCN) sent me this alphabet poster he created using nothing but video game related graphics (not to be confused with this hand-drawn version). Now, not to toot my own trombone or anything, but I did successfully name them all without cheating. And not just because I was able to deduce what the first letter would be, but that did take me a while to figure out. F***in' Sherlock Holmes over here! Not really though, I propositioned him and he was all, "I'm only a top". I'M only a top!

Maicon MCN's DeviantArt (with super-ultra high-res version available)
and
Website

Thanks Maicon, now do one exclusively with games and characters for the Turbografx-16. Damn yeah B for Bonk's Adventure!

Nov 30 2010 I Told You Robots Were Cold!: Optimice Prime

See what I did there with his name? I managed to smash "ice" onto the end. That's the kind of stuff they don't teach you in blogging college, folks. Nope, that's the kind of literary mastery you can only gain from years of sticking made-up words into crossword puzzles. You think I'm above adding extra letter-squares off the side of a puzzle? YOU DON'T KNOW ME! This is a giant 26-foot Optimus Prime ice sculpture from Zürich, Switzerland. God, what I wouldn't give to dismember that SOB with a barrage of stone-filled snowballs. You hear that, Optimice?! Your head's about to transform and roll down a snowbank!

Giant Transformers Ice Sculpture [neatorama]

Thanks to Gamemore, who, believe me, I want to.

Nov 30 2010 WALL-E and EVE, Sitting In A Tree An Oven

Where they belong. *closes eyes and imagines the Terminator falling into that vat of molten steel at the end of Judgement Day* MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Love that feeling. So yeah, this is a WALL-E and EVE cake made by Charm City Cakes. You could argue it's untimely because the movie came out more than two years ago or -- OR -- you could argue it's ahead of its time because they're from the future. I believe even the sand is edible graham cracker/chocolate cracklins, however it might be actual sand mixed with soiled cat litter. But would that stop me from still eating EVE like a giant corndog? Hell to the naw.

Wall-E and Eve Love Cake [walyou]

Nov 29 2010 Yay: One Step Closer To A Fountain Of Youth

In a recent act of actually doing something useful instead of trying to kill us all with robots/determine which animal has the biggest balls, scientists have taken a step towards the proverbial fountain of youth. Which may or may yes involve genetic manipulation. I'm gonna be a spider splicer!

While scientists knew about the role of telomerase--an enzyme that adds DNA sequence repeats at the end of chromosomes--in body decadence and experiments were made with extremely simple organisms, this is the first time that this breakthrough has been achieved in complex mammals.

It was akin to a Ponce de León [the Spanish explorer looking for the Fountain of Youth] effect. When we flipped the telomerase switch on and looked a month later, the brains had largely returned to normal.

One of the most amazing changes was in the animals' testes, which were essentially barren as aging caused the death and elimination of sperm cells. When we restored telomerase, the testes produced new sperm cells, and the animals' fecundity was improved - their mates gave birth to larger litters.

I'm not gonna lie, when I'm 400 I don't care if my testes work or not. My tester -- that's the part that matters. Haha, what do you mean it falls off after 300? ZOMG, IS THAT TRUE?! Dog years or regular ones?

Eternal Youth Potion Discovered [gizmodo]

Thanks to keith, who's convinced clean living and eating right are the keys to longevity. HA! I assume you failed science.

Nov 29 2010 1/18 Scale DeLorean Time Machine Hard Drives

Looking for that perfect gift idea for the Back to the Future fan in your life? How about a 1/18 stainless steel scale model of the DeLorean time machine with a 500GB hard drive stuffed up its trunk? "YES, THAT'S PERFECT!" How about $250? "Hell no, I don't love anybody that much". Ha -- I'm with you, not even myself. Isn't that right, stupid? You know it, ugly!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a link to the product site.

Continue Reading " 1/18 Scale DeLorean Time Machine Hard Drives "

Nov 29 2010 Minimalist Supervillains, Maximumist Pain

Listen: if Sarah Palin managed to score a damn word of the year you can bet your literate asses I'm gonna start including new words in every post to increase my chances this year. You're gonna be sorry, dictionary! Anyway, I know we've already seen Fabian Glez's 'Minimalism Heroes' poster, but here's another one of all villains. Sure you could argue they're actually not all bad people, but that would make you a terrible judge of character and probably more than a little villainous yourself. Does that mean we should lock you up and throw away the key? Absolutely. I've been anonymously calling the cops on you for years!

No key yet, so use your brains. Ha, brains. Cheat like there's no tomorrow.

Posters/Shirts/Etc. Available Here
via
Minimalist Thing of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Nov 29 2010 Gotta Caress 'Em All!: The Poké-Bra

So you're making out all hot and heavy with a lady you easily brought home from the bar when she takes off her shirt to reveal a Poké-Bra. What do you do? Dive in there like Ash and see what kind of monsters she's hiding behind that thing, or run screaming because you've been making out with a chick wearing a Pokemon bra? If you answered, "pleeeeaaase don't ruin this for me, GW, I've never made it this far with a girl before," congratulations, you have a lot to learn about women. Starting with: that one's rockin' a penis bigger than yours. Dive, DO NOT CRAWL, out the nearest window.

szmoon.net
and
The Pokebra is Pushing It, Even for Me [unreality]

Thanks to Evil Ares, who I had no trouble defeating at the end of God Of War (after turning the difficulty down).

Nov 29 2010 Solar Power? More Like Solar Super-power!: Melting Metal & Rocks With Focused Sunlight

This is a video from the BBC's Bang Goes the Theory in which the host Jem (not to be confused with his sister, Scout) visits the Solar Furnace Research Facility in Southern France and uses solar energy stolen from this spaz to set (instantaneous) fire to a wood plank, melt steel and even melt rocks. How hot does the focal point get? Try 3,500° C (6,332° F). That's hot enough to melt any earthly material and almost as hot as me on the international scale of sessiness. I'm like a 12. Supermodels are typically in the 4-6 range, and most regular people are disqualified for scoring negative. You? You're a solid 2.

Hit the jump for a worthwhile 1:45 of solar destruction.

Continue Reading " Solar Power? More Like Solar Super-power!: Melting Metal & Rocks With Focused Sunlight "

Nov 29 2010 Idiot Moron Claims Ownership Of The Sun

Some idiot moron from Spain is claiming she owns the sun and is trying to toot her own horn about it like she's some kind of genius and I didn't lay claim to the fireball when I was like six.

Angeles Duran, 49, told the online edition of daily El Mundo she took the step in September after reading about an American man who had registered himself as the owner of the moon and most planets in our solar system.

There is an international agreement which states that no country may claim ownership of a planet or star, but it says nothing about individuals, she added.

"There was no snag, I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law. I did it but anyone else could have done it, it simply occurred to me first."

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Hell yes we're all gonna continue to steal free power from her! Then -- THEN -- sue her ass every time her property causes cancer. YOU DUN GOOFED, ANGELES! CONSUNQUENCES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME!

Woman Claims to Own the Sun [neatorama]

Thanks to letseatlunch, but I haven't even finished my morning coffee!

Nov 29 2010 Why You Little Slytherin: Famous TV/Movie Characters Sorted Into Hogwarts Houses

Ever wonder what kind of Hogwarts student your other favorite TV/movie characters would have been? Me neither. I was so confused a couple weeks ago when half my friends' Facebook pictures turned into Gryffindore and Ravenclaw emblems. I just assumed they'd all joined gangs on account of needing to feel accepted. Little did I realize just how sad it was. So yeah, where do you belong? SPOILER: behind bars, pervert.

What if Our Favorite Film & TV Characters Lived at Harry Potter's Hogwarts? [clicker]

Thanks to ultra91 and Chelle, who don't believe in pulling Hogwarts house designations out of a hat, only rabbits.

Nov 29 2010 Monkey Smoking Out Of XBox Controller Pipe

Seen here looking like the lovechild of a simian and the lesser GW, some kid went and made himself an XBox controller pipe. I assume this image was captured as he snuck out of his basement abode for a hit right before his mommy called him to Thanksgiving dinner so he'd be sufficiently high to stuff his face with bananas. Good for you.

Picture

Thanks to Van Houtte, who used to have a Dreamcast pipe and would get Power Stone'd all the time. POWER STONE REFERENCE FTW!

Nov 28 2010 Ticklin' The Ol' Ivories Goin' To Pound-Town On The Pipes: Homemade PVC Pipe Organ

If you haven't seen this video already, it consists of a guy named Snubby J (not to be confused with Stumpy P) playing his homemade PVC pipe organ thingy (similar to the ones the Blue Man Group uses) for a college talent show. I can only assume floor-sitter Scowly McAngryface's talent is looking pissed all the time. Me? I used to take bong hits through my nose.

Songs are...

-Office Theme Song (0:18)
-Linus and Lucy (0:38)
-Turkish March (1:13)
-Mario Brothers Theme (1:27)
-In the Hall of the Mountain King (1:54)
-Bad Romance (2:07)
-Viva La Vida (2:50)
-Like a Virgin (3:03)
-Crazy Train (3:23)
-Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (4:01)
-James Bond Theme (4:15)
-Pirates of the Caribbean Theme (4:35)
-The Final Countdown (featuring my friend, Quin) (4:56)

Good job Snubby, high-five. Haha -- too slow! CONSIDER YOURSELF EXTRA SNUBBED! And speaking of extra snubbing, I ran into a Hollywood starlet last night and the chick wouldn't even sign my hat. You wanna know what I did? Left without saying bye and got drunk somewhere else. Somebody's gonna be haunted for life!

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Ticklin' The Ol' Ivories Goin' To Pound-Town On The Pipes: Homemade PVC Pipe Organ "

Nov 28 2010 The End Is Nigh: Facebook And Twitter Shoes

Want a pair of Twitter shoes? Don't ever talk to me again. How about a pair of Facebooks? Okay, those ones are actually pretty cool. NOT! Hoho, kickin' it 3rd grade style today! These are conceptual Twitter and Facebook shoes designed by Gerry Mckay for Adidas. If they ever make production I'm going to burn my apartment building to the ground. Oooooor buy a pair on eBay using an alias and sleep with them on at night. Just sayin', you ever slept with shoes on? That's how you get penises drawn on your face.

Hit the jump for a shot of the Facebooks.

Continue Reading " The End Is Nigh: Facebook And Twitter Shoes "

Nov 27 2010 Quality Cosplay: Samus' Other M Gravity Suit

Jenni Källberg, aka cosplayer Pixelninja, is back at it, this time with Samus' Gravity Suit from Metroid: Other M. As you can see admit to yourself unless you're a jealous female, she's done an amazing job once again. But if you ARE a jealous female: you could have done better, there's not enough weathering, and her face is hate-able at best. Hey, whatever helps you sleep alone at night.

Hit the jump for several more shots, along with another link to Jenni's website, which has a worthwhile gallery of the build, and a pictorial of her Varia Suit 2.0 that I somehow missed.

Continue Reading " Quality Cosplay: Samus' Other M Gravity Suit "

Nov 27 2010 I See You!: Through The Looking Glass Knob

I typically try to avoid peepin' at knobs but I have been known to glance over a urinal divider if I hear an unusually powerful stream. Curiosity aside, this is a doorknob that allows you to see what's on the other side. Which, SPOILER!: your brother masturbating.

Hideyuki Nakayama's "A Room in the Glass Globe," developed in conjunction with door handle manufacturer LEVER, shows you a reflection of what's going on in the room behind it, cast in a sort of strange, dreamlike haze.

I dig it. And all you have to do for privacy is put a sock over your end. Unless you're an exhibitionist, in which case you should probably take all your doors off the hinges and sell them back to Home Depot anyway. Except for the bathroom. I don't care how big a pervert you are, no bathroom should ever go doorless. That's disgusting.

One more picture after the jump.

Continue Reading " I See You!: Through The Looking Glass Knob "

Nov 26 2010 The TurBaconEpic: There Were No Survivors

The TurBaconEpid is a myocardial infarction on a flowery platter. It consists of BLAAAAAHH! -- oh my God I'm so sorry *wiping chin* -- a 20lb pig stuffed with an 8lb turkey, 6lb duck, 4lb chicken (not from can), a cornish hen and quail, bacon croissant stuffing and ten pounds of wrapped bacon between layers, glazed with 6lbs of butter and 2 liters of Doctor Pepper (you should've done the Dew!) and garnished with a bunch of Baconator cheeseburgers for a grand total of 79,046 calories and 6,892 grams of fat. From a vegetarian standpoint it's horrifying. From a non-vegetarian standpoint it's the most delicious thing on the planet. From my kneelingpoint I can see the underside of the toilet seat while I puke. Note to self: needs a wipe-down.

Hit the jump for 2:30 of dammit, why didn't we do that?!

Continue Reading " The TurBaconEpic: There Were No Survivors "

Nov 25 2010 HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Don't feel bad, turkey, you're not the first one to court a bottle of bourbon, believe me. I was *this close* to marrying one before the EPT came back negative. So yeah, I'm thankful for that. Other things I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

• The internet
• Dinosaurs
• Booze
• Life
• Video games
• The Hills reruns
• Plants
• Geekologie Readers (OMG -- I'm thankful for you)
• Booze
• Kid's cereal
• That the local liquor store opens at 7AM
• Toys
• My family
• The llittle lady
• Chloe and Einstein
• All the fish

So I just spent $248 on booze and food AFTER $65 in Ralph's card savings. And that's just for two people. It's time to get this drunken gluttony started! Tell your family I said hi, I'll be back tomorrow with a couple articles.

HAAAAAAAAAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Nov 24 2010 Beautiful: Footage From High Speed Camera Aboard High Speed Train Replayed In Slo-Mo

This is a video created by Graeme Taylor aboard a high-speed train using a high-speed camera, replayed in slow motion (just like the title says!). The result is pretty spectacular. It's like Max Payne/Matrix "bullet-time". So watch it and enjoy. Then, get all comatose on turkey & stuffing and green bean casserole tomorrow so that you won't be able to attack when I show up at your door and demand all the leftovers. PUT THE CRANBERRY SALAD IN THE BAG AND NOBODY GETS FORKED. Holy shit, candied yams.

Everybody please be safe if you're traveling, and if you're flying make sure to stuff a couple extra socks in your underwear. I'll be around during the next couple days posting a few articles whenever I can, so you at least have that to be thankful for. Happy holidays, now go get stuffed.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Beautiful: Footage From High Speed Camera Aboard High Speed Train Replayed In Slo-Mo "

Nov 24 2010 GAAAH, METAL PEEN!: Mega Man Anatomy

Inspired by anatomy expert (and friend to Geekologie) Jason Freeny and his work, artist/toy-modder Donald "Kodykoala" Kennedy went and created an anatomical cross section of Mega Man. This is it. The one-of-a-kind laser-blastered boy stands 6" tall and is currently for sale on eBay. I was tempted to bid, but I know, ultimately, he would be destroyed in a drunken rampage. Not unlike the television, PS3 and new Rock Band keyboard. And four laptops. What's that honey? Haha, right -- five laptops, one pink. MY RAGE SEES NO COLOR.

Hit the jump for a bunch of close-ups and a link to the auction.

Continue Reading " GAAAH, METAL PEEN!: Mega Man Anatomy "

Nov 24 2010 The Many Faces Of Super Mario Mushrooms

Graphic artist Mathijs Sterrenburg (whose favorite video game is Legend of Zelda, FTW!) went and created 120 different variations of the power-up mushroom from the Super Mario franchise. These are them (well, 30 of them, the rest are after the jump). Damn -- how cool would it have been if there was a power-up mushroom that turned you into Vader? I'd have force-choked Bowser from level 1-1 and been back to the Death Star in time to blow up Endor! F***ing love the smell of burnt Ewok in the morning.

Hit the jump for 90 more.

Continue Reading " The Many Faces Of Super Mario Mushrooms "

Nov 24 2010 Back To The Footwear: Nike DeLorean Dunks

Despite no mention of Back to the Future, Nike is releasing these limited-edition DeLorean Nike Dunks the same year as the movie's 25th anniversary. Coincidence? I don't think so. Made in a sweatshop? Are we NOT gonna need roads where we're going?

Influenced by the DMC-12′s aerodynamic design and trademark characteristics, Nike reinterpreted the car's sleek stainless steel exterior into a matte silver, no-sew constructed upper while also taking cues from the gull-wing doors on the bottom eyestay. The shoe's outsole references the Delorean's tail lights and the DMC-12′s rear window shades reappear as graphic lines on the heel replacing the traditional stitches. Meanwhile, the Belfast stamp on the tongue is a nod to the Irish factory that originally produced the vehicle.

The shoes drop Black Friday, so get ready to trample some folks if you want a pair. Alternatively, club the back of their legs. It's not just for ice-skating anymore! Unfortunately, where I'm going I don't need shoes. Or, more specifically, I'm not allowed to wear shoes. Dammit grandma, I'm a grown-up, I'm not gonna track mud in the house. Huh? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M AT THE KIDDIE TABLE AGAIN?!

Hit the jump for a bunch of close-ups.

Continue Reading " Back To The Footwear: Nike DeLorean Dunks "

Nov 24 2010 Google Street View: Naked Guy In Trunk

Looks perfectly normal to me. It was funny because Geekologie Reader Chris sent me a link to the actual Street View (HERE, currently unavailable) last week, but the image was already blurred so I had no clue what I was looking at. Then I stumble across this picture today and it all added up (minus the part about the naked guy in the trunk). So yeah, a naked German crawling out of a Mercedes' trunk. Or maybe he has khaki shorts on, who knows. Point is, Lassie there doesn't care if you're dead or not. Like, NOT AT ALL.

Google Street View
and
Naked Man Caught On Google Street View [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Chris, who once saw himself on Google Street View and got pulled into the computer like TRON. Whoa.

Nov 24 2010 A Beer And Shot In The Same Glass

Ever had a boilmaker? I have -- I drank them exclusively one night. I got home and shat on the back of my feet while I was puking. Enter the 'Shot in the Pint' drinking glasses ($20/two). They have a shot glass on one end, and a pint glass on the other. Per product description (that was obviously not written ANYWHERE near drunk enough):

These pint glasses are spot-on the answer to your humdrum, ho hum, mundane, pedestrian, and blah drinking glass collection! The perfectly nonsensical way to impress your friends and liven up any night out, this combination shot glass - pint glass lets you drink down your brew and follow it with something a little stronger with a simple flip of the glass! Say sayonara to the shame you felt while double-fisting and hello to liberated libation!

First of all, I've never, EVER felt shame double fisting drinks. Or quadruple fisting for that matter. What I have felt is somebody's hand on my ass and knowing I couldn't do anything about it. But here's the quandary: regardless of whether you fill the shot or pint, is the glass perpetually half-empty? *glug glug glug* Looks all the way empty to me. Happy Brown Wednesday!

Product Site
via
An Inelegant Solution To an Unserious Drinking Problem [gizmodo]

Nov 23 2010 Vroom Vroom!: 1,200 Car Hot Wheels Track

Ever wonder what a racetrack large enough to have 1,200 Hot Wheels running around at the same time would look like? This. Also, please please please start wondering bigger. I dunno, about naked women or something, you're depressing me. Wondering about giant Hot Wheels tracks. *facepalm*

Now this is art. It's the Metropolis II installation by Chris Burden at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art, and it looks amazing.

The fully-automated and gigantic track features 1,200 cars and 13 toy trans (sic) zipping around quickly, over and over again.

Oh snap, the LACM is right down the street from me -- I'll have to go check it out sometime. Anybody wanna get in on my field trip? There's like 30 bars on the way too. Plus -- PLUS -- the La Brea Tar Pits. Best field trip ever? You bet your sweet ass. Suck it, Colonial Williamsburg!

Hit the jump for the car racing in action.

Continue Reading " Vroom Vroom!: 1,200 Car Hot Wheels Track "

Nov 23 2010 Baby's Birth Caught On Google Street View

Note: Larger, full-res shot RIGHT HERE, YO.

This is a picture from Germany of a woman who just gave birth caught by a Google Street View vehicle. Only problem is, it's allegedly a fake. Per a German Gizmodo reader allegedly in the know:

I am German and have to tell you it's a fake. It has been reported in German television and in different German news sources (one of them: [www.pcgames.de] )

There is a hospital right across the street and they have no knowledge of a birth right in front of their door.

In the house is also an advertising agency that has no knowledge of a birth in front of their house.

Way to waste a Saturday afternoon, fakers! SHAME ON YOU PEOPLE. But that's not the point. The point is this: am I the only one that didn't know women gave birth laying down? I always thought they sat on an elevated toilet seat with the doctor crouched below waiting for a hairless ceiling cat to fall out into their hands. But what do I know? I'm just the guy who passed out in sex-ed when they showed video of a dude's balls.

The Miracle of Birth on Google Street View [gizmodo]

Nov 23 2010 Battle Of The Lords: Vader Versus Voldemort

This is a little chart sizing up Lord Vader vs. Lord Voldemort in the battle of dark lords. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE, WHO WILL WIN? SPOILER: Voldemort. WTF?

Vader Vs. Voldemort [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Erica93, who could whip both their monkey asses and still have time to beat up Lord Sauron before her mom calls her to dinner.

Nov 23 2010 LOLWUT?!: Emoticon Plastic Surgeries

These emoticon body parts (the boobs of which we will now only refer to as emoticans) were spotted in South Korea advertising a plastic surgeon's many body-altering options (most of which I have absolutely no clue WTF they are). And, since we're on the topic of female bodies, I'd like to take a second to discuss fake knockers. *ahem* Listen ladies -- as a man who loves chest trophies more than booze itself: just leave them alone. They're always better natural, I don't care if they're small, square, squiggly, upside-down, perpendicular or on your back, as long as you don't have a penis, it's all biscuits and gravy, baby.

Plastic surgery emoticons [blameitonthevoices]
via
Morning Links of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Brian, who's always wanted to be turned into an owl. Me too!

Nov 23 2010 Symphony Of Science: A Wave Of Reason

This is the seventh installment in the auto-tuned Symphony of Science series, entitled A Wave of Reason. It's not my favorite in the series, but it's still far better than anything you'd see on MTV. Also, absolutely anything else, including whatever's on Lifetime. And that's saying a lot. You know, about menopause and stuff.

[A Wave of Reason] is intended to promote scientific reasoning and skepticism in the face of growing amounts of pseudoscientific pursuits, such as Astrology and Homeopathy, and also to promote the scientific worldview as equally enlightening as religion. It features Carl Sagan, Bertrand Russell, Sam Harris, Michael Shermer, Lawrence Krauss, Carolyn Porco, Richard Dawkins, Richard Feynman, Phil Plait, and James Randi.

So I was screwing around with SpectrumWorx over the weekend and actually tried turning a drunken voicemail I left myself (reminding me to burn the pants that I was wearing) into an autotuned song. Then I Hulk-smashed my laptop for making me sound like a robot. Which, true story, is like the third time that's happened. This month.

Hit the jump to get your auto-tuned learn on.

Continue Reading " Symphony Of Science: A Wave Of Reason "

Nov 23 2010 Magic!: Voice-Activated H.P. Wand Flashlights

Harry Potter laser tag wands not your cup of tea? What the f*** are you doing drinking tea in the first place? IT'S TAKING UP VALUABLE STOMACH REAL ESTATE WHERE YOU COULD FIT BOOZE. Anyway, how about a voice-activated Harry Potter wand flashlight? No? Not digging this one either? God you're impossible to please. PRODUCT FEAAAAAAATURES!::::

Harry Potter Voice-Activated Wand Flashlight

• Listens to your voice and turns on and off when the proper spell is spoken.
• Record your own voice command.
• Say "Lumos" to activate and "Nox" to deactivate - or pick any sound command of your choice.
• Matches your spoken commands to your recorded commands, which means your wand will only listen to you!
• Available in Harry and Hermione wand styles.
• Batteries: 3 AAA (not included).
• Dimensions:11" long.

Speaking of 11" long: not me. I'm like a quarter of that, and only if you measure half the gooch. But that's neither here nor taint, if you want to feel like a wizard, go get one of these $16 bad boys (alternatively, break off a tree branch) and you can run around in the dark screaming "LUMOS!" and "NOX!" to your heart's content. But no yelling, "WHY AM I NOT GETTING LAID?!", because that should be apparent (it's the cape).

1:00 product demonstration in the style of a no-budget student film after the jump.

Continue Reading " Magic!: Voice-Activated H.P. Wand Flashlights "

Nov 23 2010 FCC: Ability To Text 911 Coming Soon?

Because actually placing calls is soooooo 90's, the FCC is working out the logistics of being able to text 911 during an emergency. What could possible go wrong? Tweeting emergencies, that's what.

Several U.S. government agencies have for some time been considering how to plan and implement the next generation of 911; the plan has been to incorporate SMS text messaging, images and even video into emergency requests to get "the right information to the right people at the right time."

Now, several outlets are reporting that the FCC is pushing for more technology for 911 -- technology that would lead to better, faster responses from emergency workers. In fact, the FCC even says 911 could be automatically notified of possible or likely emergencies by sensors, from OnStar to home alarms and many more.

Granted it does sound like a good idea in theory, but do you realize how many un-emergency texts the police are going to be fielding? In the trillions. Everything from "the greeter at Wal-Mart scowled at me" to "my 20-piece McNuggets was only an 18-piece -- AND THEY FORGOT THE BBQ!!!!111". My point is this, responsible citizens: be prepared to deal with your own emergencies.

FCC May Allow You to Send Text Messages to 911 [mashable]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who claims he knows some idiot moron who mistakenly called 411 while his house burnt down. Whoa, the same thing happened to me on-- wait a minute.

Nov 23 2010 You're Being Rude!: The Screw You Nebula

This is a picture of part of the Carina Nebula that bears a striking resemblance to one of my favorite hand gestures to use while driving. And no, not the one where you pretend you're shooting everyone around you with lil' laser blasters, although that is a close second. *pew pew pew pew pew!*

This dense cloud of gas and dust is being deleted. Likely, within a few million years, the intense light from bright stars will have boiled it away completely. Stars not yet formed in the molecular cloud's interior will then stop growing. The cloud has broken off of part of the greater Carina Nebula, a star forming region about 8000 light years away. Newly formed stars are visible nearby, their images reddened by blue light being preferentially scattered by the pervasive dust.

BOOM -- astronomy lesson! Also, if there's one thing I can't stand it's pervasive dust. That stuff gets everywhere! No lie, one time I took off my pants to change into my jammies and a dust cloud billowed out of my boxers. "GW, that wasn't dust, those were crabs." Haha, yeah I know.

Astronomy Picture of the Day [antwrp]

Thanks to captainlaziness, who I honestly can't believe had the strength to send a tip. I'm proud of you.

Nov 22 2010 You're Barely Super!: Minimalist Superheroes

This is a bunch of superheroes minimalized to their bare identification necessities. Can you name them all? I couldn't. I'm still convinced half of them are breakfast cereal mascots. I SEE YOU, COUNT CHOCULA! You too, Quaker Oat-man.

Illustrator Fabian Gonzalez strips comic book characters down to their bare essence in his clever new graphic Minimalism Heroes. The 30-year-old freelance designer, who says he grew up on Marvel and DC Comics, created the image for a T-shirt competition.

In honor of his favorite superhero, Gonzalez placed an instantly identifiable icon in the upper left-hand corner. "Batman was the superhero that originally got me hooked..."

There's a key after the jump in case you want to see how well you did, as well as for those of you that didn't even bother trying because you're so damn lazy. And for that, I salute you. Or at least I would if it didn't involve so much arm lifting.

Hit the jump for the answer-key.

Continue Reading " You're Barely Super!: Minimalist Superheroes "

Nov 22 2010 Finally!: A Quality Keyboard Silencing Bag

Trying to visit pr0n sites late at night without your girlfriend waking up? HA -- GIRLFRIEND! Good one, GW. But maybe you need to silence your hunt-and-pecking cubicle-mate before they drive you to stabbing them with a letter opener (I say do it anyways). Enter the $36 Thanko Keyboard Quiet Cover.

Need a quiet keyboard? Thanko's latest keyboard cover may exactly what you are looking for! Not only reducing the noise, it will also protect your keyboard from the dust or water.

Woohoo! Not only does it cut down on noise, it cuts down on Mountain Dew and Cheeto dust. Now that's something you can't put a price on! Oh wait -- yeah you can, whatever a towel costs.

Product Site
via
Silence your loud typing with this soundproof keyboard cover [dvice]

Nov 22 2010 Vomit Comet: World's Fastest Roller Coaster

This is a video of the Ferrari F-1 roller coaster in Abu Dhabi. It does 0 to 62 in two seconds and tops out at 150MPH. Impressive, Ferrari roller coaster, but I've gone faster. On a bike. Sure it was in a dream and the bike also flew like the one in E.T., but I'll be damned if any bug-eyed alien is riding in my bike-basket. And that, my friends, is why I just scattered a big bag of Reece's Pieces in the middle of the highway. Haha, have fun trying to phone home from the grill of a semi, you extra terresturd!

Hit the jump for 2:00 of pant-filling action.

Continue Reading " Vomit Comet: World's Fastest Roller Coaster "

Nov 22 2010 Trolls: The Ottowa Sun Thinks You're JERKS

Yeah, you tell 'em, Ottowa Sun! Way to put those under-the-bridge goblins in their...does that say great deals on 2010 and 2011 Subarus?! To the dealership -- test drive, TEST DRIVE! Which, fun fact: I've actually gotten in two accidents test driving cars in the past. Three times if you count the time I test drove my neighbor's minivan into a Burger King drive-thru after they refused to honor an expired Whopper card. F*** you, The King, I hate your shitty fries anyways!

They Call Themselves Trolls [buzzfeed]

Nov 22 2010 LASEEEEEEEEEEEEER BAAAAAAAAACON!

We've seen laser-printed beef jerky business cards, but how about some raw-ass meat? YOW YOW! That Thanksgiving honey-baked ham never had it so good. Get it? Because it was raised inhumanely and then slaughtered! But shedding light on the ham-hocking industry isn't the purpose of this post. The purpose of this post is to inform you fine folks about the latest advances in holiday meat-decorating technology. And to think just last year you were still gluing feathers to your pubes and drawing a beak on your wiener. Haha, what do you mean, "gobble till you wobble"? Boy, you nasty!

Hit the jump for a shot with even MORE patterns.

Continue Reading " LASEEEEEEEEEEEEER BAAAAAAAAACON! "

Nov 22 2010 I Love Doing Experiments In The Microwave!

Have I ever told you I used to rest my head against the microwave whenever I was cooking something in it growing up? I did? Oh. Well I have trouble forming new memories now. But I do remember the time I dragged an extension cord out to the middle of the backyard and hooked up a microwave. I put a whole 5lb bag of potatoes in. Now I have a swimming pool. This is a video of a guy putting a matrix of neon bulbs in a microwave to show you the patterns formed by the microwaves when on. It's pretty science-y. Granted not as science-y as rigging a microwave to work without the door closed and holding your hand in there for two minutes, but who really wants superpowers anyway? (hook me up with a Hot Pocket while you're at it).

Hit it for the 2:45 video.

Continue Reading " I Love Doing Experiments In The Microwave! "

Nov 22 2010 What, No Pliers?: Belt With 6 Integrated Tools

The $55 Snow Toolbelt from skate/snowboard clothing manufacturer 686 was designed for men of winter who don't want to carry around a pocketful of screwdrivers for fear of falling and puncturing a lung. Which is a very real possibility. It feature 8, 10 and 11mm wrenches, a bottle opener, and flat/Phillips head screwdrivers. It comes in three different styles (original, small stud and large stud) and sizes M (30-34) L (34-38) and XL (38-42). Now I know what you're thinking, and yes -- you could probably get away ordering an XL and punching a few extra notches in it. Whatever the case, your ass WILL show when in use. Now would be a good time to learn how to wipe.

1:30 video demonstration after the jump in case your parents never explained the birds and bees belts and Swiss army knives to you growing up.

Continue Reading " What, No Pliers?: Belt With 6 Integrated Tools "

Nov 22 2010 BOOM, HEADSHOT FOOTSHOT!: Armless Man Can Shoot, Reload Gun With His Feet

Micheal is a man. A man with no arms, but a love for firearms. Which -- I'm not gonna lie: that's a pretty cruel one, God.

Squeezing the trigger of the pistol with the toes on his left foot and aiming with his steadying right foot, he warns: 'Tell them: "If they want to come and screw with the U.S., come on!"'

The man, armed without any arms, even uses his feet to reload the weapon, placing the bullets between his toes and feeding them into the pistol.

Not wanting to rely entirely on a man with no arms that can shoot with his feet to protect the country aside, there's a worthwhile video of the foot pews in action after the jump, which brings up an interested question: how do you protect yourself from a man who can shoot with his feet? Give up? Knot his laces. But seriously -- good lookin', Michael, I'm proud of ya. Next stop: ninja sword.

Hit the jump for a 2:00 demonstration.

Continue Reading " BOOM, HEADSHOT FOOTSHOT!: Armless Man Can Shoot, Reload Gun With His Feet "

Nov 21 2010 Suck It Poseidon, We're Out!: Flying Squid

Look at the picture. What do you see? No, they're not whale sperm. Although I did hear the heads on those things are like the size of tennis balls. Okay, so I didn't so much hear that as just make it up, but I do want you to spread it around for me anyway, okay? Also, this SPF40 on my back. Can't have that third nipple burnin'!

From what has been gathered through the small body of evidence, these species of squid capable of 'flying' use a kind of jet propulsion to project themselves out of the water, whereupon they extend their fins to guide the trajectory and create lift. Biologists theorize that the behavior helps squid evade predators as it allows them to travel at higher rates of speed than they can beneath the waves. And despite the recent unveiling of photographs that prove it, these impressive squid flights probably occur all the time.

Silly squids -- you don't belong in the air. Hit it, Sabastian!

God I love that movie. It's what made me wish I was a merman in the first place. Haha, did I say merman? I meant handsome prince. YOU'RE MINE, ARIEL! Also, if you wanted to talk to Ursula about maybe trading your voice back for bigger bazoongas, I'd support your decision.

Hit the link for an ultra-high res shot you can blow up for an even better look.

Photographic Evidence Proves That Squid Can Fly [treehugger]

Thanks to Blue, who has the power to control all things blue, including all seas and most of your guys' balls. That's some superpower!

Nov 21 2010 3-Year Old's Amazing TMNT Finger Painting

This video is from 2006 and has over a million views, so you've probably already seen it. I hadn't though, and since it's Sunday, I'm entitled to do whatever I damn well please. Including, and not just limited to, drinking at 9AM. Breakfast never tasted so good! Anyway, this is a video of a 3-year old making the most most amazing Leonardo finger painting you've ever seen. Just watch and be amazed (or don't be, because it looks fake) Then, take a look at your own child with disappointment. Just kidding, he's special in his own way. Remember that time he ate a whole box of crayons? Most kids his age would've vomited after purple.

Hit the jump for the young Da Vinci in action (see what I did there?).

Continue Reading " 3-Year Old's Amazing TMNT Finger Painting "

Nov 19 2010 Suuuuuperpowers!: Scientists Trap Antimatter

Could you tell I was just on the road for 2.5 hours? Haha, I didn't think so! Wait, you could?! The short, unfunny posts gave it all away? Dammit. Now I feel like a maroon. I'm ugly too? Wow, talk about adding insult to injury! Somebody's coma-drinkin' tonight.

So scientists at CERN (who still plan on destroying us all, don't you worry) have successfully created and trapped antimatter. Specifically, anti-hydrogen. That's right folks, AH-bombs: they're coming.

Antimatter is ordinary matter in reverse. Atoms normally consist of positively charged nuclei and negatively charged orbiting electrons. Their antimatter counterparts have negatively charged nuclei and positively charged electrons.

Under a theory expounded in 1928 by the eccentric British physicist Paul Dirac, when energy transforms into matter, it produces a particle and its mirror image - called an anti-particle - which holds the opposite electrical charge.

When particles and anti-particles collide, they annihilate each other in a small flash of energy.

Until now, experiments have produced anti-atoms, namely of hydrogen, but only in a free state. That means they instantly collide with ordinary matter and get annihilated, making it impossible to measure them or study their structure.

So what does this mean to the layperson? Nothing, you'll never get close enough to any antimatter to turn into a superhero. Me though? I've got an insider at CERN. He's gonna sneak me in and I'm gonna gobble up all the antimatter they've got (and, time permitting, snacks in the break-room). Then, who knows. Maybe I'll become a superhero. Or maybe, JUST MAYBE, I'll become my own universe. How crazy would that be? If you answered, "too crazy, you'd make a terrible universe", CONGRATULATIONS ON HURTING MY FEELINGS YET AGAIN. To the bar!

Antimatter discovery: how physicists explore science fiction frontier [telegraph]
and
Breakthrough! Scientists Create and Capture Antimatter [foxnews]

Thanks to Metallisteve, Jorden, Albert, Malandros, Jon and Dany, who don't care about antimatter as much as they care about antiperspirant. I'm with ya, I sweat like a whore in church.

Nov 19 2010 Beer-Cooled Computing: The Keg Case

Okay, so it's not really beer-cooled (unlike myself). Of course that wouldn't work anyway because I would drink your computer. But enough about my chemical dependencies, seen here doing his best Red Stripe "hooray beer!" impression, Ben Lzicar went and built himself a computer case out of a beer keg. Awesome Ben, now how are we supposed to get the deposit back?

[Ben] started his kegger with an empty Anheuser-Busch keg, then sliced it open to install his PC guts. After he ripped it apart, Ben powder-coated the whole thing with a beautiful shiny black finish, trimmed it with chrome, and loaded it with bright blue LEDs.

He even added a bottle opener since we obviously can't afford another keg without trading one in. Wonderful. No keg = no party. And no party = no girls. And no girls, Ben = uh, what did we need the girls for again? F*** it -- LAN PARTY!

Hit the jump for a bunch of shots of the build.

Continue Reading " Beer-Cooled Computing: The Keg Case "

Nov 19 2010 Diiiiiiiiiiisgusting: Bacon-Flavored Fizzy Tablets

Listen: I love puking in my mouth, having it spill out into the hand covering my mouth, then into the other hand at my chin, and ultimately onto the bedroom carpet and bathroom floor as much as the next normal person. That is to say, a lot. But I don't need any bacon-flavored effervescent tablets to do the trick. Do I, booze? That's right -- only you. God I love ya. So agreeable.

If you drop one of these magic tablets into a glass of water it will instantly begin to dissolve, creating a cascade of bubbles that will infuse the water with a delicious bacon flavor. But don't limit yourself to water. These Effervescent Drink Tablets work just as well in milk, juice or soda. Great for making bizarre beverages or slipping into a friend's drink when they're not looking. Each 2-1/4" (5.7 cm) round tin contains about fifteen tablets.

$3.50 scores a tin, which might actually be worth it considering you could secretly replace one of your wife's Alka-Seltzers as a joke. Yes, now that I think about it, I want you to do that and report back to let me know how it went.

Well? Whoa whoa whoa -- hospital?! WTF'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME SHE WAS PREGNANT!! Which -- weird she didn't like it.

Product Site

Thanks to Matt and Joe B, who both put entire tins in a gallon of whole milk and chugged it. You, sirs, are gods among disgusting eating contest contestants.

Nov 19 2010 I See What You're Doing Back There!: Man To Have Camera Installed In Back Of Head

Certainly brings new meaning to the term "headshot", amirite?! No? Oh. Seen here looking a lot less ridiculous than he's going to when he has a camera installed in the back of his head, NYU photography professor Wafaa Bilal wants a camera installed in the back of his head. Me? I'd be happy if I could just grow hair back there.

The camera would transmit a live stream of images to visitors of a new museum in Qatar. The camera will be programmed to take pictures at one-minute intervals for one year, the newspaper reported.

The fact that Bilal is an active faculty member at the university who would be in a classroom setting while the project is underway has caused some concern at the school.

"Obviously you don't want students to be under the burden of constant surveillance; it's not a good teaching environment," Fred Ritchin, the associate chairman of the department told the WSJ.

Don't want students under the burden of constant surveillance? Here's a novel concept: only teach facing the students. Crazy, I know, but what can I say -- I'm a visionary. Oh -- oh geez -- just visionaried you without any clothes on. Not as godawful as I expected!

Professor to install camera into back of head [torontosun]

Thanks to Pesche, who's holding out for actual eyes in the back of his head. Pesche that's creepy as a mofro!

Nov 19 2010 The Camera That Can Shoot Around Corners

Do I even need to write anything? Just look at the pictures and figure it out, yo. I dunno -- lasers and shit, man. Alien technology.

The prototype uses an ultra-short high-intensity burst of laser light to illuminate a scene.

The light particles scatter and reflect off all surfaces including the walls and the floor.

If there is a corner, some of the light will be reflected around it. It will then continue to bounce around the scene, reflecting off objects - or people - hidden around the bend.

Some of these particles will again be reflected back around the corner to the camera's sensor.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yes -- no more Mrs. Doubtfiring it into the women's locker room! I can finally film from the safety of pretending to drink at the water fountain! Uh-oh, here comes a suspicious gym employee. Stay calm and act cool. GAAAAH I HAVE DIARRHEA I'M REALLY DEHYDRATED! God I'm smooth.

Hit the link for a much more in-depth explanation of the technology.

Laser camera takes photos around corners [bbcnews]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom, who can already see around corners and up women's dresses because he taped a mirror to the end of his walking stick. Stay classy!

Nov 19 2010 Darth Vader Face Made In Star Wars Script

This is the entire script for the original Star Wars (aka "the first one", aka "A New Hope") colored to resemble Darth Vader's evil (but still very handsome) visage (in a similar style to this Godfather version). It was created by Geekologie reader David Johns, easily placing him in the top 10% of Geekologie Readers in terms of productivity. Well? Are YOU a 10%'er? SPOILER: Absolutely not -- don't even kid yourself.

Note: I was going to host the better-than-desktop-background ultra high-res version but decided to let David's server do all the heavy lifting (No need to thank me, Dave). Hit the link below to grab it.

David's Website

Thanks David, now how about one made out of Geekologie articles with a picture of me bein' all sensual seductive? I smell a 2011 calendar idea!

Nov 19 2010 Little Girl Gets Hand Cut Off, Grafted To Foot

Nine-year-old Ming Li is just like any other little Chinese girl. Except she has to walk to school uphill both ways and still got run over and her hand cut off by a tractor. At the time, her arm was in such poor shape reattaching the hand was an impossibility. Thankfully, quick-thinking doctors were able to graft it to her foot while her arm healed, and successfully reattach it 3-months later. MODERN MEDICAL MAGIC!

Dr Hou Jianxi, spokesman for the hospital in Zhengzhou, Henan Province, said the hand had now been transplanted back on to her arm.

"When she came in, her left hand was completely severed from her body. It was very scary," he told the Zhoukou Evening Post.

"But Ming Li can now move her wrist again and her left hand is a healthy pink colour proving that the blood is circulating well."

Li will need two more operations over the next year. One to improve her hand functions and some plastic surgery to remove her scars.

But Dr Hou said: "After surgery, and with plenty of physiotherapy, we are confident her left hand will be capable of doing most things.

Amazing, I love a story with a happy ending. Huh? DAMMIT PERV -- GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER! Get well soon, Ming. And remember, tractors: not the toys Matchbox would lead you to believe.

Girl's hand grafted on to her leg [orange]
via
Severed Hand Reattached -Three Months Later [neatorama]

Thanks to Hankzor411, who once taped a Nerf gun to his arm and pretended he was Mega Man. That's, uh, pretty sad I'm not gonna lie.

Nov 19 2010 Magic Missile!: Harry Potter Laser Tag Wands

Wanna play laser tag but feel like toting a plastic laser gun around will get you disqualified from the LARPing competition? Fear not, Lord Laserpews, because now you can play laser tag with Harry Potter wands. ABRACADABLASTERS! *GW casts copy/paste product features*

• Duel with wands, "laser tag" style.
• Light up tips as spells are cast.
• Features authentic movie sound effects, too.
• "Healing Charm" lets you give up one unit of life to help out an ally.
• Choose from four styles: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and/or Voldemort.

Each 14" laser-wand will set you back $23. But it's gonna cost you twice that if you actually wanna play. Unless -- UNLESS -- you're cool playing with yourself. Do all the time? This morning even? *GW casts wish we hadn't shook*

One more shot of the four different wands and a link to the ThinkGeek product site after the jump.

Continue Reading " Magic Missile!: Harry Potter Laser Tag Wands "

Nov 18 2010 The Worst Parking Job I've Seen In Awhile

Note: I don't think the video's fake, it just looks like it's being hand-filmed because somebody's taping a TV screen of security-cam footage.

In soviet Russia Poland, cars park you. How many Poles does it take to park a car? Apparently more than one. Which, fun fact: I didn't even know they let women drive in Poland! (Says the guy who parked his car at the liquor store last month without putting it in gear or engaging the emergency break and came out to find it in on the sidewalk across the street. What? You know how excited I get about booze!)

Hit the jump to watch the woopsie daisy in action.

Continue Reading " The Worst Parking Job I've Seen In Awhile "

Nov 18 2010 Use The Fonts, Luke: Star Wars Typography

Alternatively, "Luke, I am your fonter." God I hate myself for that. And, well, pretty much everything else I've ever done. Anyway, because some Geekologie Readers have to go home and give themselves glitterstim enemas if I don't meet their daily quota of Star Wars posts, here's a small gallery (read: three pictures) of characters created entirely out of different fonts by Italian ad firm H-57 Creative Station. This is Darth Maul or somebody here, but there's a Cylon and a Fraggle after the jump. Huh? ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY GEEK CREDENTIALS?! Fine -- fine, this is Darth Vader, and there's a Stormtrooper and Yoda after the jump. What isn't after the jump is the X-Wingding Fighter I just spent two hours making in Photoshop. I'll email you a copy for $1 though. Ass Xerox for $2.

Hit the jump for the other two.

Continue Reading " Use The Fonts, Luke: Star Wars Typography "

Nov 18 2010 GAAAAAAAH, WHY WON'T YOU TURN GREEN?!: Hourglass Stoplight Concept

The 'Sand Glass' stoplight concept by Thanva Tivawong counts down the sands of time until your light turns green so you know precisely when to neutral-drop your (roommate's) car and make a speedy getaway, leaving all the blue-hairs in your (roommate's) Civic's dust to squawk about "the kids these days". Oh yeah, grandma?! They should've taken your license away when you turned 200! Haha, that one always gets em -- really cuts em straight to the heart. Which -- how was I supposed to know she had a bad ticker?! Old lady? Old lady, can you hear me? *poking granny with a rolled-up newspaper* Oh -- did you hear that, all you witnesses? She clearly said, "Are you my grandson? Why don't you ever call?" Yep, still totally alive, folks. *blends into crowd*

Not working for the colorblind aside, there's one more shot of the stoplight's many faces after the jump, which I just noticed has identical designations for "about to turn green" and "about to turn red", rendering it the deadliest stoplight concept ever designed. Back to the drawing board, Thanva.

Continue Reading " GAAAAAAAH, WHY WON'T YOU TURN GREEN?!: Hourglass Stoplight Concept "

Nov 18 2010 No Seconds?: (Alleged) Gamer Girl Eats 5,826 Calorie, 747 Grams Of Fat Corndog

This is a video of an alleged gamer girl eating a "Triple Meat Log" corndog made out of three XL hotdogs wrapped in cheese, wrapped in 18 slices of bacon, wrapped in ground beef, lathered in yellow cornmeal and deep-fried and served with bacon-grease mayo for a grand total of 5,826 calories and 747 grams of fat (although Geekologie's nutrition experts are arguing this in the comments). Whatever the case, that's her about to take her first bite there. I think it's supposed to turn you on or something. It did not turn me on. What it did turn was my stomach, which is why there's vomit in my keyboard now. Be expecting my Geek Squad bill.

Hit the jump for the moderately worthwhile 2:00 video, along with a link to Epic Meal Time's Youtube channel, with a ton more meat-pounding deliciousness.

Continue Reading " No Seconds?: (Alleged) Gamer Girl Eats 5,826 Calorie, 747 Grams Of Fat Corndog "

Nov 18 2010 Bury The Money, STAT!: Kid Selling White iPhone Conversion Kits Faces Legal Trouble

If you haven't heard, 17-year old Fei Lam made some connections at Foxconn (Apple's Chinese iPhone manufacturer), and was able to buy a bunch of the yet-unreleased white iPhone 4 faceplates/backplates off them. Fei has been selling them on his website whiteiphonefournow.com for several months (and $279), but now some trademark lawyer finally heard it through the grapevine orchard and is getting all bitter about it. Granny Smithin' it, if you will.

"I'm very thankful, cause for months I was struggling for an idea that would bootstrap my first startup and help pay for college," says Lam, who hopes to attend NYU and study computer science or business.

Yesterday, however, Lam received an ominous letter. "I got an email from a private investigator accusing me of selling stolen goods, which I'm 100 percent sure is not the case. They are some kind of anti-counterfeit/trademark firm, which sounds ridiculous, similar to what Apple is bringing up to remove White iPhone 4 Listings on eBay. I don't know how this legal stuff works."

Lam intends to contact a lawyer and has no plans to take his site down or change his business....He can take heart in the fact that Steve Jobs, along with his partner Steve Wozniak, helped to fund their first business selling "Blue Boxes" that let users make illegal long distance telephone calls.

You know, I was on Fei's side the whole time until I realized I'd overlooked one veeeery crucial detail. $279 for a white faceplate and backplate?!?! That's highway robbery and ought to be illegal! *banging gavel* SOLITARY CONFINEMENT!!

Will White iPhone 4 Send New York Teen to College ... or to Jail? [observer]

Thanks to R-Storm X and Sally from the Valley, who just painted their black iPhones with White-Out and saved $277. See? That's exactly the kind of ingenuity I expect from you Geekologie Readers.

Nov 18 2010 You Stupid Wizard Wannabes!: Harry Potter Responsible For Declining Owl Populations?

Apparently stupid parents are getting their stupid children pet owls so they can be more like Harry Potter. Dammit Harry, why couldn't you have had a hamster?!

In the story, owls are messengers and the child wizard has his own snowy owl named Hedwig, who has a fan base all her own and is depicted as a clever, devoted and loving animal.

A report by a wildlife group has indicated that there has been a sharp decline in India's owl population, which may or may not be related to the popularity of the bespectacled adolescent wizard.

"There seems to be a strange fascination even among the urban middle classes for presenting their children with owls. There is an increase in people looking to purchase owls from illegal traders. These birds are being trapped and traded....," says Indian Environment Minister, Jairam Ramesh.

Ugh, this is why I hate parents. "Hey kid, here's that owl you were throwing a fit about. Sure it'll be dead in a month due to negligence, but hopefully you'll cease your whining in the meantime." THAT IS NO WAY TO TEACH YOUR CHILD A LIFE LESSON, OR SHOW ANY RESPECT FOR AVIAN LIFE. No, if your kid asks for an owl, this is the responsible parental reaction: "AN OWL?! ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?! I'M NOT GETTING YOU AN OWL! YOU'LL GET A STICK WITH A FACE PAINTED ON IT AND LIKE IT!"

Is Harry Potter Responsible for the Decline of Owls in India? [weirdasianews]

Thanks to Melissa, who begged her parents for a Luck Dragon after watching The Never Ending Story but her parents refused BECAUSE THEY'RE GOOD PARENTS.

Nov 18 2010 Just Like A Worm, Except Terrifying: Killing Snakebot Only Results In Smaller Snakebots

Remember Israel's robotic snake army? Well now when you cut them they just turn into more, littler robotic snakes. Which is exactly why we'll have to burn them.

Instead of being built like a normal snake with a head at one end and a tail at the other, each segment of this snakebot is totally self-contained with a brain, sensors, motors, and batteries. While the segments are designed to work together to form a long, stealthy snake that can do things like stand up and climb trees, each segment is capable of operating by itself if the snake gets damaged.

The segments can also be configured with alternate payloads, which are separated from the rest of the snake to perform their own missions. So, if the snakebot needs to plant a listening device, it can just disconnect a little piece of itself and leave it behind to eavesdrop. It can also detach segments packed with explosives if it's feeling ornery.

Freakin' snakebots. You know the only thing more frightening than a snakebot? A spiderbot. Which, that reminds me of a joke: What has eight legs, is cold as ice and is climbing your leg right now to bite your nards off? Your girlfriend. Zing!

Trying to kill this snakebot just makes more snakebots [dvice]

Nov 18 2010 Oh Wonderful: Deer, Now With More Fangs

Musk deer aren't new. As a matter of fact, I heard Methuselah once killed one with a rock and presented your mother with the pelt while trying to woo her. Oh snap, your momma's oooooold! Just kidding, I'm sure she's a spry 'lil lady. Unless you don't like her, in which we should convince her to go skydiving with us, except, instead of a parachute, we'll give her a bookbag. Anyway, musk deer are the vampires of the deer world on account of their fangs. Sure they claim to be strictly herbivorous, but it's just a ruse. As soon as there aren't any people around to watch they're bloodlusting on every cute little bunny they can sink those tooth-spears into. They still exist in Siberia and are the closest living relatives to Twlight fangirls. This concludes your biology lesson for the day, are there any questions? "Yes, Professor GW -- did you have to take your pants off during the presentation?" DAMMIT KEITH, YOU KNOW ADMINISTRATION TOOK MY LASER AWAY -- I HAD TO POINT WITH SOMETHING!

A couple more shots after the jump, including two stuffed specimens and a re-creation of what the deer's ancestor looked like (last picture, creeeeeeepy).

Continue Reading " Oh Wonderful: Deer, Now With More Fangs "

Nov 18 2010 'Green Lantern' Trailer: Freakish Heads and So Much Green Stuff

One of the bigger question marks on my personal Will-It-Be-Shitty? superhero movie board has been Martin Campbell's adaptation of Green Lantern. Up until this trailer, I wasn't too convinced either way, and now that I've watched it a couple times... I'm still not that convinced either way--and now, on top of that, I'm also not convinced Green Lantern's thoroughly-unnecessary roommate character is or is not a cast member on Big Bang Theory. But I am definitely convinced Peter Sarsgaard's increasingly-freakish head is pretty great, so that's something.

Let's watch.

Continue Reading "'Green Lantern' Trailer: Freakish Heads and So Much Green Stuff"

Nov 17 2010 Why Fly When You Can Drive?: The BatVan

I didn't even know Batman had a van. Ooooor a blow-up Robin love doll for when he's crime-fighting out of town. So yeah, double-whammy. Anyway, this is a BatVan modded by some crazy Japanese fanboy.

Although custom vans are just a bad memory in America, they are still hugely popular in Japan. The Batvan is the result of one van owner's decision to mix a serious love of Batman with Japan's extreme custom van culture.

Good job. I mean, it's gaudy as hell and I wouldn't be caught dead in it for fear of of those wings exceeding the max-height restriction for an overpass, but hey -- to each their own. My own just so happens to be a car that looks like an actual car. If actual cars looked like vaginas rocket ships. Light's green -- PSSSSHOOOOOOW!

Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures.

Continue Reading " Why Fly When You Can Drive?: The BatVan "

Nov 17 2010 BWAHAHAHA!: World's Biggest Twilight Fan

Remember yesterday's biggest Harry Potter fan? Well here's the world's biggest Twilight fan. Can you see her? SHE'S THE ONE WEARING A F***ING WEDDING DRESS STANDING NEXT TO A WEREWOLF WITH A TUXEDO DRAWN ON. Seriously, this video is so full of sadness I don't know where to begin. The highlights:

Unlike most people, I'm not in love with Twilight because of Taylor's abs or because of Robert's hair, I'm in love with it because it's the world I live in, the air I breathe.

Has anyone else called Twilight their meaning for existence, and really meant it?

My name is Anita, and to me it really doesn't matter what people think, because nothing they say or do will ever change this. I mean, how much scarier could it get if I would literally take a bullet for any member of the cast, any day?

I don't think people realize that love doesn't get stronger than this...

Hoooooooooly shit. One thing's for certain -- I'd hate to be that chick's boyfriend. Boyfriend! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! I meant dog.

Hit the jump for 2:00 of you've got to be f***ing kidding me along with a copy/pasted rant from Witchy McWTF.

Continue Reading " BWAHAHAHA!: World's Biggest Twilight Fan "

Nov 17 2010 Future Fashion: Glowing Fluid-Filled Dresses

This is a dress designed by Charlie Bucket that consists of 600 feet of looping sippy straws filled with glow-stick fluid. DAMMIT CHARLIE, WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE IT OUT OF CHOCOLATE?! You have a whole damn factory. The dress is connected to a computer-controlled backpack pump that times the pumping of the liquid and produces what is by far the coolest looking dress I've seen since see-through disappearing ones were invented. Definitely hit the jump and check out the video, you won't be disappointed. Or maybe you will be because you don't give a shit about the future of women's fashion. You foolish bastard. Laser panties, yo! Holographic titty tassels.

Hit the jump and prepare to be stunned.

Continue Reading " Future Fashion: Glowing Fluid-Filled Dresses "

Nov 17 2010 Eye Candy: The Most Realistic CG I've Seen

This is a 1:00 commercial for kitchen sinks or something made by Alex Roman entirely with computer graphics. I know you want to believe it's real, but it's not, just like the SPOILER ALERT!: tooth fairy. Under-the-bed goblins are real though, and they will grope you in your sleep. Per Alex:

Asking your questions; yep, it's all CG -same process as T&S- I tried to put some live-footage shots but i run out of time so CGI did the trick :P

Whole production was 2 and a half months for the initial concept to the final editing; two people: Juan & me.

So yeah, this is the first time you'll watch CGI and argue it's all real. Have fun with that. Flame on, flama', don't hate the pyro, hate the forest fire. Isn't that right, Smokey? "Remember: Only you can preve--" Yeah yeah yeah, shut up and pass the doobie, Yogi.

Hit the jump for the commercial, along with another impressive 13:00 short by Alex that's also entirely CGI (and impressive as hell).

Continue Reading " Eye Candy: The Most Realistic CG I've Seen "

Nov 17 2010 Bill Nye The (Hardcore Badass) Science Guy Faints On Stage, Gets Up, Finishes Speech

Bill Nye is the bee's knees. He's interesting and he knows science. What he doesn't know is pain or proper medical procedures, which is why he got up and finished his speech after fainting on stage during a presentation at USC last night. GOD, WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME -- I COULD HAVE GONE.

The Los Angeles Times says the 54-year-old Nye apparently fainted on stage Tuesday evening in front of hundreds of people gathered at the University of Southern California.

USC senior Tristan Camacho says Nye collapsed in mid-sentence at the podium. About 10 seconds later, she says he was conscious and asked the audience how long he was out.

Nye told the audience a similar thing happened to him earlier in the day.

Oh no -- oh God no. Are you fearing what I'm fearing? Bill Nye the Track Marks Guy. Turn back, Bill, drugs are not the answer! Unless you ask me anything, in which case, D) all of the above.

Bill Nye the Science Guy faints on Calif. stage [ap]

Thanks to Drew, who fainted during a public speaking class in high school and got a D-.

Nov 17 2010 Iron Man/War Machine Cosplay, British Edition

Two British blokes decided to don their highly impressive Iron Man/War Machine costumes and take a jaunt around jolly ol' London. No word if they had fish & chips.

32-year-old John Bekkensten, from Norway, is an established sculptor for the movie industry, with works featured in blockbuster hits like "Gladiator". "Braveheart", "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves" and others. But John is also a big fan of Iron Man, so apart form his official projects, he spent over a year replicating the costumes of the popular hero and his sidekick, War Machine, out of fiberglass and plastic.

John ended up wearing the much cooler War Machine costume, while his buddy got the chance to be Iron Man. Together they got on double decker buses, took picture with London guards and managed to stun pretty much everyone they passed by.

Speaking of stunning people, I tased my roommate last night after I caught him pouring out my (perfectly aged and seasoned) hotdog-boiling water and he still hasn't gotten up off the kitchen floor. What's the ruling on that? Give it another day? I'll give him two.

Hit the jump for two more shots, including one of them harassing a guard at Buckingham Palace.

Continue Reading " Iron Man/War Machine Cosplay, British Edition "

Nov 17 2010 A (Very Accurate) Vision Of The Future

This is a vision of the future captured by famed horror photographer Joshua Hoffine (who also created THESE images). Needless to say, it'll be haunting my dreams (including the day variety) for months to come. GAAAH!! Sorry -- must have dozed off for a sec. Per the man himself:

This is my new photograph called ROBOT. This time the theme is addiction and dependence, especially as it pertains to technology.

This project began as a commission. An Electro Synth Rock band from Ontario Canada called Raggedy Angry sent me an email asking if I would be interested in creating cover artwork for their new album entitled HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE OUR ROBOT OVERLORDS. I told them they had me at the word 'Robot'!

Wow, that is unarguably the worst album name in the history of album names, including my own elementary school release, 'Girls Are Icky Like Poopoo Peepee'. Sales in the school cafeteria reached double-aluminum. Didn't they, lunch lady? Haha, that hairy growth on your chin always did make me lose my appetite.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a worthwhile link to Joshua's blog that has a pictorial of the entire robot build and shoot.

Continue Reading " A (Very Accurate) Vision Of The Future "

Nov 17 2010 Wearable LEGO Master Chief Helmet

This is a wearable LEGO Master Chief helmet designed and built by Ben Caulkins (no relation to Macaulay -- that he'll admit). It looks infinitely better than the cheap rubber version I picked up from the bargain bin at Carl's Costume Basement. Which, un-fun fact: is an actual basement. A creepy one. Carl in a bathrobe with his blimpie hanging out doesn't help. One time he asked if I'd touch it for a 15% discount. I hit it with a plastic pirate cutlass and ran.

Hit the jump for two more shots, including one of Ben modeling the thing on his dome.

Continue Reading " Wearable LEGO Master Chief Helmet "

Nov 16 2010 $1 Million Porsche-Designed Advent Calendar

What better way to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus than with a million-dollar advent calendar designed by Porsche? Singing Christmas carols and spreading good cheer? Don't make me laugh.

Standing two meters tall and rendered from brushed aluminum, the "calendar" looks more like a sophisticated art installation than a festive timetable. But it's behind the 24 luminous windows -- representing each December day before Christmas -- that the real surprises are hidden.

They include a pair of 18 carat gold sunglasses, aluminum fountain pens, a lambskin jacket, a limited edition chronograph watch, a customizable designer kitchen and, to crown it all, a luxury eight-meter yacht.

Here's the $300K boat that's included HERE (which isn't actually contained inside the monolith -- shocking, I know) . Wow, and to think my advent calendars have always been filled with assy-tasting chocolates. I feel slighted. "Well GW, have you ever considered that maybe it's because you're a naughty boy?" I dunno, have you ever considered you don't even know what the hell you're talking about BECAUSE THESE ARE ADVENT CALENDARS AND NOT CHRISTMAS PRESENTS, MORON. I hope you get coal this year. No -- a turd you only think is coal until you touch it.

What's inside the $1 million advent calendar? [cnn]
and
Happy Birthday Jesus, Hope You Like Overpriced Crap [jalopnik]

Thanks to Stephen, who opted for the Ferrari advent calendar this year because he already has enough boats.

Nov 16 2010 Just In Time For The Holidays! Or, This Is Why I'm Getting Fatter: Personal Pie Maker

I've given up on ever being skinny again. My skinny jeans stopped fitting six years ago. The last time I wore them was on my hand to wipe up the vomit on my bathroom floor after I overdid it at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast (you can't tempt me like that!). Enter the $80 Breville Personal Pie Maker: the Achilles to my heel, the air-cast to my cankles.

Create up to four individual-sized pies full of your favorite fillings with this simple-to-operate pie maker. Whether its savory meat pies, vegetable pies, quiches or sweet fruit pies or tarts, most pies take just 8 minutes to cook.

8 minutes and you've got four pies?! That's my dream world. Plus you've got two-minutes to go to pound-town on each pie before the next batch is ready! Now, are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you're thinking, "24 x 60 ÷ 8 x 4 = 720 pies a day, I could do that!" you are. Call Costco, tell them we need cherry pie filling. All of it.

Hit the jump for several more product shots in case you're having trouble deciding whether a life of deliciousness (and diabetes) is right for you.

Continue Reading " Just In Time For The Holidays! Or, This Is Why I'm Getting Fatter: Personal Pie Maker "

Nov 16 2010 GW Casts 'Get A Life', It Isn't Super Effective: The World's Biggest Harry Potter Fan

Note: 3:00 of insane fanboydom after the jump.

This is a video of some 20-something crackpot wizard trying to win Moviefone's 'Biggest Harry Potter Fan' contest. Dude even changed his name to Harry Potter. I'm not gonna lie, he sounds like a shoe-in. Also, a sock-out, because I am going to hit him if he doesn't stop talking like that. Some highlights:

"I've read each of them over 100 times, I know the stories inside and out. And for the last 12 years I've been the biggest, most obsessed Harry Potter fan anybody knows."

"I can wear Harry Potter clothing every day for three months without wearing the same thing twice."

"She signed this" *showing J.K. Rowling signed book* "And this" *lifting sleeve to show where J.K. Rowling signed his arm, which he later had turned into a tattoo*

"You might think you're the biggest fan, you might think you know the biggest fan, but I promise you, you are mistaken. I am Harry Potter himself, and I leave you with this -- Finite Incantatem!"

The video really needs to be seen to be believed, so hit the jump and watch it. Then, ladies, realize this is what you turn into in every man's mind as soon as you start talking 'Twilight'. You have been warned.

Hit the jump and be amazed.

Continue Reading " GW Casts 'Get A Life', It Isn't Super Effective: The World's Biggest Harry Potter Fan "

Nov 16 2010 Bubble Tents: Because Everybody Should Make Love Under The Stars With Bears And Forest Gnomes Watching At Least Once

Bubble tents: for admiring the great outdoors without actually having to be out of doors. Hey, that reminds me of something. Oh right -- WINDOWS.

Launched this year, the structures can be now be hired out at sites across France for around £400 pounds (~$635) a night.

Once the 'bubble' is inflated, it's kept in shape with an airlock at the entrance and a silent pump, which keeps a constant pressure on the surrounding 'walls'.

Outside sound is kept to a minimum while inside noise is magnified, which, according to Mr Dumas, encourages the occupants to create a peaceful atmosphere by whispering.

Mr Dumas added: 'For me, Bubble huts are a place apart where you can rest, breathe or just stand back.'

'Having a night under the stars or seeing the sun rise and set is not something that many people experience anymore.

Listen, as a guy who's exposed himself to woodland creatures more times than he'd like to admit (200+), I'm down with the bubble tent. I don't care who -- or what -- is watching me undress, because, ultimately, it's gonna be their (vision) loss. No lie, one time I caught the lady across the street watching me undress and her eyes popped out their sockets and she got a bloody nose. And that was just from catching a glimpse of my pirate booty. Thank God I didn't release the Kraken!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the exhibitionism.

Continue Reading " Bubble Tents: Because Everybody Should Make Love Under The Stars With Bears And Forest Gnomes Watching At Least Once "

Nov 16 2010 What If: LEGO Had Zombie Apocalypse Sets?

Would they look like this? Probably. Would I still eat some of the littler pieces? Absolutely. Created by LEGO master Andrew Becraft, these modified LEGO vehicles are just what the minifigs of LEGOland need to help stave off the zombies. You know, or they could go with a single human with a lighter. MWAHAHAHAHA -- bow down before me, little minifigs, I am your flame-wielding god! I will protect you, and you, in return, will do my diminutive bidding. Now, first order of busini-- *knocking* DAMMIT MOM, NOT NOW, I'M PLAYING ZOMB-- Did you say fish sticks? Down in a minute!

Hit the jump for closeups of each vehicle, and then check out Andrew's Flickr for more, high-res shots.

Continue Reading " What If: LEGO Had Zombie Apocalypse Sets? "

Nov 16 2010 Uh, Hooray?: The Beatles, Now On iTunes

So yeah, after years of holding out, the owners of the Beatles catalog have finally agreed to its release on iTunes. What does this mean? It means you can buy Beatles songs and albums on iTunes now. Jesus, this ain't rocket Scientology. What it is is nine years late. Individual songs are $1.29, albums are $12.99-$19.99 and you can get the whole boxed set for $149. Me? I've had it for years. Also, a weird growth on my back. Keep meaning to have that looked at.

iTunes

Thanks to mary, Back to the Futon and Kristoff, who all live in a yellow submarine and have seen sharks up close. Scary!

Nov 16 2010 My Eyes Will Never Be The Same: The World's Smallest Legible Computer Font

This is allegedly the world's smallest legible computer font, as designed by computer science professor Ken Perlin. I couldn't read a word of it. What is that, some kind of political manifesto? *whispering* Hoho -- the Declaration of Independence, I knew that. Sing along before every baseball game.

Can You Read the Smallest Legible Computer Font? [gizmodo]

Nov 16 2010 Weight Watchers: Man Loses 100lbs After Spotting Own Dumpy Ass On Street View

Bob Mewse used to be 300 pounds. Now he's 200 pounds. All thanks to seeing a picture of himself on Google Street View, being thoroughly disgusted, and deciding to do something about it (and actually doing that thing -- that's the key). Me? I'm so fat I can't reach my belly button to check for lint. My collection is suffering!

Mr Mewse lost a third of his body weight after drastic changes to his diet and a strict regime of exercise.

The Google Street View photograph showed Mr Mewse, of Bristol, side-on opposite a filling station wearing a tent-like grey shirt.

He said: "I was horrified when I saw that photo. I was massive. My belly was sticking out and I looked huge.

"I'd been thinking about losing weight for some time but after seeing that picture, I knew that I actually had to do something about it. I was in such bad condition that I was unable to walk and talk at the same time.

Two words, Bob: invest in a mirror. Just sayin' -- could've gotten your weight-loss party started a whole lot sooner.

Man loses seven stone after seeing himself on Google Street View [telegraph]

Thanks to Kendall and jerry rigged, who don't need Google Street View to remind them they have legs because they take care of themselves.

Nov 16 2010 Sexy Time: 2011 Heavy Equipment Calendar

Hey ladies, wanna know what men find sexy? Naked womens. Followed by World of Warcraft elves, meat and heavy machinery. Don't want them ogling a bikini calender every time they go out to the garage to be manly? Enter the $55 (wait, what?!) 2011 Bauforum24 Heavy Equipment Calendar, 12-months of manly-ass machinery. Think your man can handle all the metal manliness? No? Shoot him in the shin with a nailgun. Is he crying? Time to find a new man. A man not afraid to be a man. Blah blah blah blah, my penis is November.

Official Site

Thanks to Ulrich, who actually helped make the calendar and may or may not have gotten to sit in some of the equipment. Jealous!

Nov 15 2010 Manly Manicure: Wolverine Gets His Nails Did

This is a short video of a Russian Wolverine going to get his nails did (what, no pedi?!). Can you guess what happens? If you guessed, "his claws come out and he cuts the nail technician's arms off", you're wrong, but you did guess what I was hoping for. And for that you deserve a consolation prize. Deserve, not getting.

Hit the jump for the SNIKT action.

Continue Reading " Manly Manicure: Wolverine Gets His Nails Did "

Nov 15 2010 Shhh, I'm Hunting Zombies: The Critter Gitter

The Critter Gitter is a ridiculous monster truck thing made for hunting zombies/everything else. Mostly everything else. But is that gonna stop me from hot-wiring one and plowing through groups of the undead once the apocalypse begins? It will not.

It's called the Critter Gitter -- an over-the-top purpose-built hunting vehicle. It weighs 13,250 lbs., has 64" tires and it costs $340,000. Most importantly, it has a wet bar.

Designed as to be the ultimate hunting vehicle, the Critter Gitter will take you wherever you need to go after whatever you need to hunt. Built with a Chevy Ram Jet 502 crate engine with Electronic Fuel Injection, the Critter Gitter has the terrifying power it needs to move the 64 inch by 32 inch tires it sits on along with the rest of its 13,250 pound frame.

Speaking of 13,250 pound frames: all my ex-girlfriends. Unfortunately, not a single one had a wet bar, making them virtually useless during a zombie apocalypse. "But GW, you could always throw them overboard as zombie fodder while you make your getaway". And, admittedly, that's not a bad idea. The only problem is, brains: they don't have any. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a call to make. Hello -- ex-boyfriend of the year committee?

Hit the jump for another shot and two videos of the beast in action (both set to terrible-ass music!).

Continue Reading " Shhh, I'm Hunting Zombies: The Critter Gitter "

Nov 15 2010 It Might Not Be THE Crappiest Invention Ever Made, But It's Up There: The Pillow Remote

A $30 remote that doubles as a pillow: terrible idea. A $30 remote that triples as a car and microwave: pure genius. Unfortunately, this isn't about genius, this is about crappy novelty products even your parents won't hesitate to re-gift.

Never again will you have to ask, "where's the remote?" And you'll never lose this remote in between the cushions. Because it IS a cushion-- with a built-in 6-in-1 universal remote control!

Be honest -- how many of you are already halfway through the checkout? Just three? That's less than I expected. And speaking of less than I expected: adulthood. Damn you and your "no refund or exchange" policy! I knew I should have listened to Peter.

Hit the jump for a shot of the pillote/remillow in all its glory.

Continue Reading " It Might Not Be THE Crappiest Invention Ever Made, But It's Up There: The Pillow Remote "

Nov 15 2010 The Future Is Now!: Camera Records The Action And Your Reaction At The Same Time

The $200 Ion Twin Video Camera is a POS video camera that records both the action in front of AND behind the camera at the same time. But I can't stand your face!

For every action there is a reaction. But capturing said reaction when you're videoing stuff is impossible because camcorders only record what's in front of them, don't they? Well no, because Ion's amazing Twin Video handheld camcorder captures all the action out front and your reaction to it.

Perfect for vloggers, vain interviewers, solo tourists and gurning roller coaster nuts, this idiot-proof rechargeable gizmo is the world's first dual-lens video camera. Capable of capturing both front and rear video and audio footage, it will totally redefine the way you view the art of moviemaking. 'Ooh, look at me crying whilst filming little Johnnie's first steps.'

Worst product description EVER. Like, ever ever. Forever ever? Forever ever. The last thing I need to see is the face of the person recording something. Still, this does open up doors for your homemade sex tapes. That's right -- not only will you be able to record yourself having sex, you'll be able to record whatever's opposite the toilet in your bathroom. Probably a towel bar.

Product Site
via
Twin Video Camcorder - Record Your Reactions and the Event at the Same Time! [walyou]

Nov 15 2010 Glowing Trees To Replace Streetlights?

Note: Picture is unrelated. Just like my girlfriend and I.

Will glowing trees replace streetlights? I doubt it. Still, you never know. If you'd asked me ten years ago if we'd have hover cars by now I'd have been all, "oh hell to the yes we will!" But look around -- what do you see? Exactly, a big box of sadness. Anyway, nanoparticulated glowing tree "streetlights". I imagine birds aren't thrilled about the idea.

Dr Yen-Hsun Su from Taiwan's National Cheng Kung University discovered that when you add gold nanoparticles to the leaves of Bacopa caroliniana, it induces a red emission in the chlorophyll. Bacopa caroliniana is a plant widely found in the Southern US, but the same reaction might be possible in other plants and trees. Dr Ye-Hsun points out that this is potentially a win-win-win situation, with the glowing plants reducing power usage, and lowering light pollution, while absorbing CO2.

While injecting certain trees with gold nanoparticles to make them glow does sound like a pretty foolproof plan, here's another: solar-powered streetlights. They may not absorb CO2, but I will continue to shoot the one outside my bedroom window with a BB gun until they stop replacing it.

Trees with glowing nanoparticles could replace streetlights [dvice]

Nov 15 2010 Congratulations?: Motorola Droid Pro Wins Award For 'Most Annoying Default Ringtone'

Okay so that's not an actual award. Still, the Motorola Droid Pro come preloaded with the most painful default ringtone your eardrums could imagine. I've embedded the thing below, so hit play and give it a listen. Then, right before you stab yourself in the ears with a pen, recap the pen and put it down. Preferably out of sight ("out of sight, out of ear canal").

Well? I told you it was painful. It sounded like two robots making awkward metallic love, didn't it? If you answered, "yes", congratulations, now we all know you've watched two robots having sex. Point and laugh, everybody, point and laugh.

Droid Pro: Most annoying ringtone ever [androidcentral]

Thanks to Darwin Police, whose default ringtone is some guy on a motorcycle screaming, "hey, watch this!" Famous last words.

Nov 15 2010 Can You Heat Me Now?: Cell Phone Grill Test

Because destroying expensive electronics is the new white (or is it black?), here's somebody grilling (literally) an Android, Windows Phone 7 and iPhone 4. Any idea who lasts the longest? I'll tell you if you really want to know. Just kidding, sitting through shit you don't really want to only to find out something you don't really care about is all part of life, kids. A big part. F***ing huge. Actually, that's pretty much all being an adult is about. That and the constant fear of dying. But enough about your bright future, why's everybody on this gadget destroying kick lately? Because did you know there are places in the world where people don't even have cell phones? It's true -- only land lines. "NUKE THE PRIMITIVES!" Riiiiiiiiiiiight, let's just not and say we didn't.

Hit the jump for the OMGWTFBBQ'ing action.

Continue Reading " Can You Heat Me Now?: Cell Phone Grill Test "

Nov 15 2010 On eBay: 1/2 Ton Of LEGO Bricks For $20K

Note: Picture only moderately related on account of all the LEGO blocks.

Looking to get your LEGO collection started with a bang? Homemade fireworks. Then look no further than eBay, my friend. They've got everything on there. I even bought a car off eBay once. It was legit. Minus having to drive to Philadelphia and meet with the Russian mafia. Oh, and the part where the old owner had never signed off on selling the car. Listen, I'm just thankful the trunk was bodiless.

Now, let's cover what is here in this lot. Well, first of all every theme you could ask for. And pretty much every piece Lego has made. I spent years separating and organizing 1000's of lbs of Lego. I weighed everything in their containers and it all came to around 1158 lbs not including the metal cabinet with Lego instructions...So, I am guessing that you should have about 1000lbs of clean, sorted, organized and even partially baggied Lego. Of course I did have a few bins I never got to for sorting, I will leave that to you.

I stopped counting mini-figures at 2358. There are more here, I just got tired of counting.

I hate chewed on, broken, glued, dirty, nasty Lego and will immediately throw them away. And I have thoroughly gone through about 99% of what you see. I also am prejudice against other brands. So, hopefully you will not find any Mega Blok, Tyco, etc... If you happen to find any, it will be a very small amount and I apologize now.

$20K takes it all home. Now I know what you're thinking. "But GW, I could get a car for twenty g's." And you could. But could that car turn into a medieval castle on your bedroom floor and provide you with hours of imaginative entertainment? "No, but it will get me to the liquor store and back." Good point, pick me up on the way.

eBay Auction

Thanks to Peterman, who doesn't need a half ton of LEGO blocks because he's got a whole ton of Lincoln Logs. Which, fun fact: were invented by John L. Wright, one of Frank Lloyd Wright's sons. Roll that in your blueprints and smoke it!

Nov 12 2010 Nooooo!: What The T-Rex Really Looked Like

Note: Worthwhile full-body shot HERE.

This is the latest rendering of what scientists believe the t-rex actually looked like. As you can see (unless you've got your eyes closed and are listening to your computer read this in a robot voice because you're lazy), the sexy son of a bitch had feathers. Feathers! No lover of mine had feathers! Okay, that one crazy-ass turkey, but to his credit he'd already plucked most of them out on a corn binge. Didn't he, Old McDonald? Haha, what do you mean, "I hit that"? Dammit Drumstick, you said you saved yourself for the GW!

What T-REX Really Looked Like [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Heather, who knows it's what's on the inside that counts. Oh whatever, Heather, that's bullshit and you and I both know it.

Nov 12 2010 The United States Map Of Television Shows

Note: Don't even try reading that, it's only gonna make you squirt. I mean squint. Or do I? I don't even know anymore. Click HERE to see the high-res version.

Sorry for the short, quick posts today folks, but by the time you read this I'll be halfway to a top-secret location where the government will be performing a variety of tests on my supple body and succulent mind to determine whether I'm suitable for a special outerspace program. Oooooor I've got a doctor's appointment. Just kidding, it's the government thing, I swear. Anyway, this is the United States of Television Shows to accompany the United States of Movies from a few weeks ago. Hopefully you'll all have as much fun tearing this one apart as the other. But, if not, we can all still go outside for another kind of good ol' fashioned fun. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Rock fight!

Pop-Culture Cartography of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Dr. Hyde, who, wait a minute -- I thought Jekyll was the doctor. This shit goes deeper than I thought.

Nov 12 2010 Flamin' Lips: Flame Scallops' Light-Up Lips

Did you know the flame scallop had bioluminescent lips? I did, intimately. But only because I wanted to make Ariel jealous for kissing that hunky porpoise!

This video presented by the Enoshima Aquarium shows the bioluminescent mantle of a flame scallop (Ctenoides ales, a.k.a. noble file clam or electric eye scallop), a bivalve mollusk found around reefs in shallow tropical waters. The purpose of the flashing lips remains a mystery.

Oh man, this reminds me of the time I hooked a car battery up to my love doll to put the "spark" back in our relationship. It worked. Sure she popped and I can't grow a mustache anymore, but I like the boyish look anyways.

Hit the jump for a video of the flaming lips in concert.

Continue Reading " Flamin' Lips: Flame Scallops' Light-Up Lips "

Nov 12 2010 You Dirty Fondant Pigs!: An Angry Birds Cake

Note: Full-size version HERE.

This is an Angry Birds cake made by baker Anya Richardson. Now I just downloaded Angry Birds for my iPhone last week because in the Diffusion of innovation theory I'm what they call a "laggard". And a haggard laggard at that. Seriously, I was at the pharmacy last night picking up my boner pills and the lady asked me if I was a witch. A F***ING WITCH!! I asked her if I was a witch why the hell would I be buying wiener vitamins. You know what she said? I dunno, for a spell or something. Oh, they're for a spell alright! The spells of sadness I'm gonna be casting into paper towels this weekend watching a 'Jurassic Park' marathon. God I'm lonely.

fonatic71's Flickr Gallery
via
Angry Birds Cake Looks Frustratingly Delicious [obviouswinner]

Thanks to Devin, who not only killed all those those low-down dirty green pigs one by one, but would make the others watch while he fried them up as bacon. I'm not gonna lie -- that, uh, that sounds like something a psychopathic killer would do.

Nov 12 2010 Batman Through The Years, Animated Gif

Remember the animated gif from a couple weeks ago showing all the old Jokers? Well here's the Batman version. *fingers crossed for a Robin one next!* A guide:

1. Lewis Wilson (Batman, 1943)
2. Robert Lowery (Batman & Robin, 1949)
3. Adam West (Batman, 1966-1968)
4. Michael Keaton (Batman, Batman Returns, 1989 - 1992)
5. Kevin Conroy (Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm, Justice League, Batman Beyond & Batman video game series 1992 - Current)
6. Val Kilmer (Batman Forever, 1995)
7. George Clooney (Batman & Robin, 1998)
8. Bruce Thomas (Batman Onstar Commercials, Birds Of Prey, 2000-2002)
9. Christian Bale (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises, 2005 - 2012)

I'm not gonna lie, I think George Clooney was my favorite. Did I say favorite? I meant least favorite. Still mad handsome though. He's got nothing on Don Draper, but still, if the man grew a handlebar mustache I'd ride it. *brring brring* That was me ringing the bell!

Animated GIF of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Nov 12 2010 The Latest In Cookie-Dipping Technology

The Dipr Cookie Spoon was designed for dipping little cookie sandwiches (i.e. store-brand Oreos, you cheapskate!) in milk without them falling apart or sinking to the bottom of the glass. Why you can't just use a fork or spoon is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with your complete lack of motor skills (your mom says you got rammed in the head by a goat at the petting zoo). Honestly, I just always thought your parents were brother/sister. Family matters aside, the (lil) Dipr was invented by Bobby and Julie Haleluk, who are looking for $10K in funding to put the thing into production. They will not succeed. Show of hands: how many people would buy a plastic cookie-dipping hook? Exactly -- not even the fat girl.

Hit the jump for a video of the lil' dipper in action and a plea for your support.

Continue Reading " The Latest In Cookie-Dipping Technology "

Nov 12 2010 Great, Where Do I Go?: Superhero Bathroom

Does this mean I get to use the ladies room? Too late -- I already have been! Sometimes Cyclops does too on accident. It just smells better plus there are never turds on the floor. *ahem* I'm looking at you, Beast!

X-Men Bathroom [buzzfeed]

Thanks to maggie, who has never been in a men's bathroom before. Well don't start now! Trust me.

Nov 12 2010 Harrison Ford: Han Solo Should Have Died

Dammit Harrison, nobody cares about the new POS movie you have coming out, we only wanna hear about that space-adventure you were in 27 years ago. Thank God we have ABC News to put you in your place. Also, thank God we have ABC for Dancing With The Stars, amirite? Love that sessy dancin'.

Speaking with ABC News about his new movie Morning Glory, Ford was asked why there were no new Star Wars films featuring Han Solo, and he explained that not only was there no reason for the character to return, but also:

"As a character he was not so interesting to me. I thought he should have died in the last one, just to give it some bottom. George [Lucas] didn't think there was any future in dead Han toys."

First of all, OF COURSE GEORGE LUCAS ONLY CARED ABOUT SELLING TOYS. The man probably goes to AA meetings to steal the coffee and cookies -- HE'S A TERRIBLE PERSON. Secondly, just look at that picture. That right there is what I like to call the textbook definition of "bedroom eyes". *douching* Be there in a minute, Han, just freshening up!

Hit the jump to see that part of the interview, you have to watch a 30-second commercial though, so I didn't.

Continue Reading " Harrison Ford: Han Solo Should Have Died "

Nov 11 2010 Happy Veterans Day: The Army Of The Future

Happy Veterans Day. I'd like to take this time to thank all the men and women who have served and do serve to protect my freedom to write whatever I damn well please without fear or repercussions. And a special thanks to my grandfather, an Army communications man who was on the beaches of Normandy two days after the invasion and said it was one of the two things in life he wished he'd never seen (the Great Depression being the other). Rest in peace, grandpa (and you too, grandma!). I bet the bird-watching is even better from up there. Can you see me? I'm waving at you!

Maybe some day robots will be able to fight our wars for us. And maybe they will look like this Mega Hurtz (yes, really) Tactical Robot. And maybe, just maybe yes definitely, I will run screaming.

The beast is billed as a "heavy duty 280 lb two-man-portable monster" that can record audio and video, be controlled by a remote operator, and has night vision capability. But that ain't all! Not only does it feature a welded steel chassis designed to demolish doors and concrete walls, it also looks really awesome

"Oh man, I want to see two of those things going at it!" Awh yeah, robots killing each other -- now you're talking my language! "Zizzlebrrt qqrtt yurrmmtreh Xerrmmflim." Okay, now you're not anymore. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure that was a language. It sounded like a short-circuiting robot...*choking you out* NICE TRY, SKYNET!

Hit the jump for a video of Mega Hurtz in action.

Continue Reading " Happy Veterans Day: The Army Of The Future "

Nov 11 2010 Yow Yow!: R2-D2 Bathing Suit Spotted In Wild

Note: Full-res version HERE in case you want to print it out poster-size and tack it to the ceiling above your bunkbed.

Remember the recently released line of geeky swimwear by Black Milk? Well here's a picture of the R2-D2 model spotted in the wild. Oooooooor on some chick posing on the bathroom floor. Hey lady -- what's up with the Darth Vader iPhone skin? CHOOSE A SIDE AND STICK TO IT, GOD! Also, is that supposed to be an Ewok you're petting? Cause I'm not gonna lie, they looked furrier in the movie. That said, "Beechawawa amoowa fic ekla sleeshs! Chiotto grenchicit? FEECH FEECH FEECH!"*

*"Oh my you have two big berries! Can I hang on? PEW PEW PEW!"

Picture

Thanks to Andy, who's waiting for a girl to wear one of the galaxy swimsuits so he can tell her her body's out of this world. HEY -- I was gonna use that!

Nov 11 2010 'Game Ruining' Glitch in New CoD: Black Ops

Apparently there's a "game ruining" glitch in the new Call of Duty: Black Ops. I don't want to ruin it for you, so you're just gonna have to watch the video and see for yourself. Or not. You're not really gonna miss anything if you don't. It's just a joke anyways. Except it's not that funny, so I'm not even sure you'd consider it a joke. What you would consider a joke is this pecker God granted me. Seriously, it's like a schoolbus. Except 1. children aren't allowed to ride 2. it never stops at railroad crossings and 3. it's orange and not yellow. Mmmm, love me some Cheetos.

Hit the jump for a video of the glitch.

Continue Reading " 'Game Ruining' Glitch in New CoD: Black Ops "

Nov 11 2010 I'd Rather Stink: A Sponge-Bathing Robot

Look around. Is everything white and sterile? Don't panic, you're in the hospital. Is everyone decked out in Haz-Mat suits? Okay, start panicking -- you're in a top secret genetic test lab. They're gonna try to grow rat penises on the backs of your knees. Anyway, this is Cody, the sponge-bathing robot that'll be washin' that ass of yours for the rest of this living nightmare.

No one wants to give a sponge bath to another person, especially if you're a nurse. It's a task that is part of the job, but no one enjoys it. A new robot named Cody could replace nurses in the future.

Cody is hacked together from a "Segway omnidirectional mobile base, two anthropomorphic arms with seven degrees of freedom and wrists equipped with 6-axis force/torque sensors. The end of the robot's right arm is fitted with a specialized 'bath mitt' and the robot gathers laser range data and images from a laser range finder and camera mounted above the robot's torso."

Granted getting a sponge bath is fairly embarrassing (particularly if you just crapped your pants before realizing you're only wearing a backless gown), but do you really wanna trust the job to a robot? If you answered "yes", congratulations, you're out of your f***ing mind. Which reminds me -- did I ever tell you about the time I broke my arm for the second time and had to get bone marrow taken out of my hip to help fuse the bones back together? When I finally came out from under the anesthesia half my pubes were shaved. WAIT A MINUTE, I DIDN'T AUTHORIZE THIS -- WHO DID THIS AND WHY DID THAT ONE DUDE NURSE JUST WINK AT ME?! That's it, put me back under -- I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

Short video of Spongebot Deathpants in action after the jump.

Continue Reading " I'd Rather Stink: A Sponge-Bathing Robot "

Nov 11 2010 Tower Demolition Fail: Why Going With The Lowest Bidder Isn't Always The Best Idea

This is a short video of a tower demolition gone wrong at the Mad River Power Plant in Ohio. Oh boy, if that river was mad before it must be really fuming now. Rage, little river, RAAAAAAAAAGE!!

The planned demolition of the Ohio Edison tower in Ohio in the US went wrong after a malfunction caused the structure to fall in the wrong direction.

The tower brought down power lines, leaving at least 4000 householders without electricity, and sent spectators scurrying for cover.

No one was reported injured.

You know there's a reason why the lowest bidder on a contract is the lowest bidder, right? Because they're gonna cut corners. Did you see the guys setting the explosives? They weren't even wearing hard hats, they were wearing those pirate hats you make out of newspaper! Yeah, and two guys were smoking weed while another one marched around with a stick of dynamite hanging out of his fly like a surrogate penis! Are those really the kind of guys you want blowing up your tower? Absolutely. You can't pay for that kind of entertainment value!

Hit the jump for the tower of terror in action.

Continue Reading " Tower Demolition Fail: Why Going With The Lowest Bidder Isn't Always The Best Idea "

Nov 11 2010 Good Luck With That: Nintendo Wants Trademark "It's On Like Donkey Kong"

"It's on like Donkey Kong". Is that even a cool thing to say? Because I'm pretty sure that assclown with the cowboy hat sings it in 'Honky Tonk Badonkadonk', effectively negating any street cred given to the phrase by Ice Cube in his 1992 classic 'Now I gotta Wet'cha' (I don't even know what that means, Ice!). Huh? The country song actually goes, "Got it goin' on like Donkey Kong"? Respect for you: I lost what little I had left.

Nintendo has found a novel new way to promote the upcoming release of Donkey Kong Country Returns: Filing a request with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to trademark the pop-culture phrase "It's on like Donkey Kong."

It's appeared in various songs, movies, and television shows since then, and is a relatively common phrase in both gaming and non-gaming circles.

Now Nintendo is taking it back, filing a request with the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office for ownership of the phrase in order to promote the November 21 release of Donkey Kong Country Returns on the Wii. The company says the phrase points to the status of Donkey Kong as a pop culture icon.

Clever, Nintendo. The ol' "file a trademark application for free advertising" tactic. I like your style. Also, Candy Kong. Maybe you could, I dunno, introduce us sometime. Just sayin', it only looks like there's a banana in my pocket! (It's actually a plantain)

It's On Like A Trademark Application For "It's On Like Donkey Kong" [kotaku]

Thanks to Evil Ares (who I killed in the original God Of War) and RMan Money, who

Nov 11 2010 STD Testing: There's An App For That

That's right ladies and gentlemen, scientists are currently working on a way to run do-it-yourself STD tests on your cell phone. Awesome. I bought a 99¢ app and all I got was the clap. Hey that rhymed! And so does this: Caring means NOT sharing. BOOM -- STD slogan central over here!

Doctors and technology experts are developing small devices, similar to pregnancy testing kits, that will tell someone quickly and privately if they have caught an infection through sexual contact.

People who suspect they have been infected will be able to put urine or saliva on to a computer chip about the size of a USB chip, plug it into their phone or computer and receive a diagnosis within minutes, telling them which, if any, sexually transmitted infection (STI) they have. Seven funders, including the Medical Research Council, have put £4m into developing the technology via a forum called the UK Clinical Research Collaboration.

Hell yeah, pissing on your cell phone! Who hasn't been there before? Also, because I'm such the tireless public servant, I stayed up all night developing my own foolproof cell-phone based STD test. Wanna give it a go? Cool. 1. Remove your cell phone from pocket 2. Access phone book 3. Are there any hookers' #'s in there? Yes = you definitely have something. No = you might have something. 4. Pee on all the buttons.

Mobile phone kits to diagnose STDs [guardian]

Thanks to ultrapony, Valerie and Gunnit, who sell STD tests out of the back of a mobile food truck during lunch hour. Wait a minute -- this is just litmus paper!

Nov 11 2010 Japan, You Cray-Cray: Japanese Go Nuts For Hatsune Miku, 3-D Holographic Musician

This is a video of a Hatsune Miku concert in Japan. Only thing is, Hatsune Miku isn't a real person. Or even a robot like you'd expect from Japan. Nope, she's a 3-D hologram. Pfft, Jem did it 20 years ago.

Hatsune Miku is a rising star in Japan and abroad, singing catchy J-pop that matches her blue-green hair. She's also a virtual avatar created by Crypton Media using Yamaha's Vocaloid voice synthesizer. That hasn't stopped her from amassing a legion of fans who really love her work. I mean really love it. Check out the crowd frantically waving glow-sticks and singing along...

THANKS A LOT, JAMES CAMERON! This is all your fault somehow, I know it. We don't even have real people entertaining us anymore, just a bunch of fake-ass people with blue titties and a bad case of pony-tail worms. No thanks! I'll take a talentless Britney Spears/Miley Cyrus/Katy Perry/Ke$ha over a 3-D hologram any day. Just kidding, all those chicks can go die. No skin off my wiener!

Hit the jump for three videos of the depressing future of music.

Continue Reading " Japan, You Cray-Cray: Japanese Go Nuts For Hatsune Miku, 3-D Holographic Musician "

Nov 10 2010 Let's Build One!: Millennium Falcon Blueprints

Note: Trying to follow these tiny-ass blueprints is gonna result in a spaceship that looks like a turd and explodes on launch, click HERE to see the full-size version.

These are blueprints (or whiteprints, rather) of the Millennium Falcon (possibly from this book). You could use them to build your own. Ooooooor color at TGI Friday's while waiting for your meal to arrive. Whatever the case, you better have ordered the f***ing chicken fingers. Country gravy, COUNTRY GRAVY!!

UPDATE: Okay so my brother just informed me Friday's hasn't been serving country gravy with chicken fingers for at least six years. Wow, time flies. AND SO DOES MY DRAGON MOUNT, SUCKERS! *shooting fireballs*

These Are The Blueprints For The Millennium Falcon [jalopnik]

Thanks to mikoboy and ChrisTheMan, who don't use blueprints because they hate the Na'vi.

Nov 10 2010 Bush Cricket Wins Award For Largest Testes In Relation To Body (14% Of Body Weight!)

The Bush Cricket has officially taken the award for the world's largest testicles in relation to body weight, with some pairs weighing in at 14% of the insect's total mass. Pfft, mine are 40%. AND on the back of my neck. Wait -- are those mine?

In a study of their mating strategies, the team found they release only small amounts of sperm at each mating.

That suggests the big testes are for mating with many females, not producing competitive volumes of sperm for each encounter.

The previous holder was a species of fruit fly - Drosophila bifurca - whose testicles to body weight ratio has been recorded as 10.6%.

Their testes make up some 14% of their body weight - roughly equivalent to a male human with testicles weighing five kilograms (11lbs) each.

Haha, that reminds me of the prank where you call a bowling alley and ask if they carry 11lb balls. "You do? How the hell do you walk around with those things?!...A wheelbarrow?! No shit. Well damn -- props, dude."

Bush cricket testicle size clue to promiscuous mating [bbc]

Thanks to killerabbit, Laouik and Derek, who are all in the top 10th percentile on the human ball chart. And to ironballsmcginty, who's in the top 1.

Nov 10 2010 For The Furries Slimies: Webbed Gloves

I'm not really into amphibians but if I was you better believe I'd have a pair of these in my nightstand right next to a copy of The Muppet Movie. Kermit, you kinky as a frog-prince!

Although we're mostly water, humans are meant living on dry land -- hence our lack of webbed feet or hands. DarkFin Gloves ($25) fix half of this equation with a rear-webbed design that increases surface area by 70%, helps you tread water using less energy, and builds upper body strength. They're made from durable, flexible latex rubber, and are perfect for scuba diving, swimming, sky divers, or just freaking out your kids at bath time.

When I was a state-champion swimmer in my youth I used to practice with webbed gloves on, so these aren't really new to me. Still, maybe they are for you. Or maybe you're just looking for a little something to put the spark back in your sex life. And you know what? This just might do the trick. It won't even feel like your own hand!

DarkFin Gloves [uncrate]

Thanks to Smee, who's not so much into webbed digits as talons. Okay now that's just freaky.

Nov 10 2010 No: Pedo Book On Sale For Amazon Kindle

Despite always turning down my manuscripts, apparently Amazon doesn't really care what kind of books it sells for its Kindle e-book reader. Case in point: The Pedophile's Guide to Love and Pleasure. You dun goofed, Amazon!

Product Description

This is my attempt to make pedophile situations safer for those juveniles that find themselves involved in them, by establishing certian rules for these adults to follow. I hope to achieve this by appealing to the better nature of pedosexuals, with hope that their doing so will result in less hatred and perhaps liter sentences should they ever be caught.

What. The. F***? The book was written by some creep named Phillip R Greaves the 2nd, who, shockingly, has a number of other e-books available.

The Grand Delusion

An examination of man and his many notions of "God" with an aim toward disproving the existence of any universal intelengence of omnipotent creator.

A Government of Service to All
A discripeion of the political realities that influence us all, including the right to gay marriage,the right of convicts to vote, the importance of the 14 amendment to our national constitution, and the value of the eighth amendment also.

Our Gardens of Flesh
A work that examines sex and sexually from its primodial origins through its historical colorations to its ultimate expression as man's extential celebration of life and developement as the supreme expression friendship and love.

I'm just gonna go ahead and assume Philip "Who Needs Spell Check?" Greaves here has been writing from the clink. Sounds like somebody got excommunicated and arrested! That's right -- prison lit. Think women's lit, but with waaaaaaaay less vaginas. Like, zero. Possibly fewer.

Amazon Product Site

Thanks to Kryptic Khaos and Hayden, who both suspected e-readers were designed for pedos.

Nov 10 2010 Video Game Characters: The Other 8-Bit Meat

Graphic artist Jude Buffum went and created these meat diagrams showing the different cuts you can get from various video game characters. This is Bowser (full-res version HERE), but there's Ganon, Yoshi, a Chocobo, Cheep Cheep and Blooper after the jump. They all look pretty good if you ask me, but I'm a vegetarian so what the hell do I know? Vegetables and gas bad enough to make the dog sleep under the bed.

I decided to explore the carnivorous side of the world of video games. Though I myself eat meat, enough of my friends and loved ones are now vegetarians or vegans, so it's something I've been experimenting with. I suppose these pieces are a by-product of that exploration. That, and my long-time obsession with meat diagrams.

Listen Jude, I've been obsessed with a lot of things in my life, but never meat diagrams. I'm pretty sure that's what most health-care professionals would consider an "unhealthy" obsession. Also, letting your penis hang in the water of public toilets. You need help, bro. Me? I ALREADY TOLD YOU -- I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM, I JUST NEED A SHORTER PENIS!

Hit the jump to see the rest, then head to Jude's website to see them all in high-res (and purchase prints if you're interested).

Continue Reading " Video Game Characters: The Other 8-Bit Meat "

Nov 10 2010 Pleasures, Alabama's Drive-Thru Sex Shop

Huntsville, Alabama is best known for four things: Antoine Dodson, Struttin' That Ass, NASA/ The Space & Rocket Center (read: Space Camp) and me spending 10 years of my youth (and one of my recent adulthood) there (well, Madison). My brother and parents still live there. And now Huntsville is back on the map with a drive-thru sex shop that looks suspiciously like my old bank. Wait a minute....I used to make deposits there! You still handing out free suckers?

Pleasures owner Sherri Williams said the store will be the first such store in the country to sell adult toys through a drive-thru window. Items such as toys, lubes and stimulants will be delivered through the drive-thru drawer in a brown paper bag, according to the store's news release.

Williams said Alabama is the last state in the U.S. to have a sex toy ban.

Williams said customers cannot purchase a sex toy unless they fill out a medical questionnaire describing the health-related reasons for their purchase.

The store plans to give away condoms as a public service and will feature an "intimacy clinic" offering weekly seminars and workshops, marriage counseling and a sexual health library, which will feature well-known authors in the field, and an upscale clothing boutique.

"Upscale clothing boutique"? Riiiiiiiiight. Because nothing says Mr. Monopoly like fuzzy handcuffs and a gimp mask. Still, next time I'm back to visit my family you know I'm rolling through that drive-thru. "Oooh oooh oooh -- send a loose dildo through the pneumatic tube!"

Sex toy drive-thru: Alabama shop to offer window service [al]

Thanks to brook, my Huntsville correspondent, for keeping me in the loop. Is the Spy Shop still in business? I need a new bow-tie camera.

Nov 10 2010 Of Course, It Was Only A Matter Of Time: Red Shirt World Of Warcraft Guy Gets Autotuned

Seen here getting his swerve fact-checkin' on, World of Warcraft fanboy 'red-shirt guy' has officially gotten the autotuned treatment. And this is it. It started off okay, got really terrible, and then plateaued off at really terrible with the occasional dip to godawful gaaah i can't watch this anymore. But if either pasty white, awkward WoW fanboys or autotuning are your thing, it's definitely worth a watch. If those are not your things, congratulations, you're a real person.

Hit the jump for more robot-sounding jibber-jabber than I could stand.

Continue Reading " Of Course, It Was Only A Matter Of Time: Red Shirt World Of Warcraft Guy Gets Autotuned "

Nov 10 2010 Plus You Look Cool: Wearable Tent Poncho

Tired of lugging a tent around on your back? Too bad. But with the tent poncho at least you're wearing it! That's right folks, a poncho that turns into a tent. Wait, I thought they all did that. Let's see here *looking at picture* yep, that's pretty much all the information I've got. Campingquences will never be the same.

wearable tent is both cool and stupid all at once [technabob]

Thanks to Tiffany, who -- breakfast at your place!

Nov 10 2010 I'll Stick To Blogging: Movie Location Scouts Chilling On Top Of World's Tallest Buildin

As you may or may not be aware of (extra points for those of you who didn't), Tom Cruise recently filmed a scene for Mission Impossible 4: Like, 4 Real, There's No Way Anybody Could Possibly Complete This One that involved him jumping off the world's tallest building, the Burj Khalifa (already seen HERE) in Dubai. Well this is a video of the movie's location scouts scoping out the very top of the building. It was going around the interwebs that the guys aren't strapped in, but apparently they are and just hid their harnesses. Clever. At least until you think you've hidden your harness, only to realize mid-fall you never clipped in after all. Then it becomes less clever and more "OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!" until you're rendered to nothing but a few unidentifiable teeth by the road below. Which is exactly why you should never go anywhere without proper identification. The more you know.

UPDATE: Working video added (until they take this one down too).

Hit the jump for a short video of the you've got to be kidding me in action.

Continue Reading " I'll Stick To Blogging: Movie Location Scouts Chilling On Top Of World's Tallest Buildin "

Nov 9 2010 Video Game Virtual Property Sells For $335K

An asteroid hosting a space colony of apartments, a mall, nightclub and a bunch of other shit in the MMORPG Entropia Universe was recently sold by one gamer to another for the pocket-pounding sum of $335,000. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Let's nuke that rock Armageddon style! But like, from earth so we don't die and can still bang Liv Tyler.

EntropiaPlanets, a fansite dedicated to the world of MMOG Entropia Universe, reports that one of the games' users, Jon Jacobs, has sold a number of in-game properties to another user, John Foma Kalun.

Jacobs, who goes by the in-game name of Neverdie, has made a number of high-profile transactions over the past few years, from the $25,000 sale of his in-game items, to his purchase of a virtual asteroid for $100,000. The purchase of the asteroid, in 2005, was believed to be the most expensive virtual item sale in history. That record was broken by the 2009 sale of the Crystal Palace Space Station for $330,000.

The recent sale, confirmed by Jacobs to the fansite, amounts to a value of $335,000. Jacobs sold a number of bio domes, a mall, stadium and a club to Kalun.

I can think of a lot of ways I'd spend a third of a million dollars, all but one of which doesn't involve buying virtual property in a video game. And the one that DOES involve buying virtual property in a video game is limited to all the strip clubs in the Leisure Suit Larry franchise. Speaking of which, why haven't they made that into an MMORPG? They have, it's called Second Life? *downloading Second Life* I'mma fly my ass straight into a vagina!

Virtual Property Sale Record Broken [next-gen]

Thanks to Chen, who thought about selling his virtual city but decided to hold off until he could hide all the unsightly hobos in a volcano. Smart. Just make sure to leave the prossies, Chen.

Nov 9 2010 Hubble Captures Disk Galaxy From The Side

This is a picture of the NGC 4452 disk galaxy (which will now be affectionately known as the 'flat-ass' or 'eat a cheeseburger' galaxy) taken by the Hubble Space Telescope from the side. That's why it looks like the way it does. Cause otherwise it would look like a disk. Disk, NOT dick.

Galaxies that appear this thin are rare mostly because our Earth must reside (nearly) in the extrapolated planes of their thin galactic disks. Galaxies that actually are this thin are relatively common -- for example our own Milky Way Galaxy is thought to be about this thin.

Are you absolutely sure that's a disk galaxy? Because if you ask me it looks suspiciously like the Millennium Falcon entering hyperdrive. *AHEM* Is there something you aren't telling us, NASA?! You're underfunded and we'll never live on the moon? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!

Astronomy Picture of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Nov 9 2010 My Head, It Hurts: MC Escher Tennis Match

Note: Slightly larger version HERE.

This is a picture of a tennis match taken and edited by Michael Kai in the style of famed perspective-distorting artist MC Escher. As you can see, it's puke-worthy. I literally ralphed twice just resizing the picture. Three more times standing on my head trying to look up the players' skirts!

MC Escher Tennis Match [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Erin, who got kicked off her college tennis team for refusing to wear bloomers under her skirt. Nice Erin, way to stand up for what you believe in! (Now climb this ladder)

Nov 9 2010 That's It, I'm Moving: Spanish Neighborhood Gets Video Game Inspired Street Names

The Zaragoza suburb of Arcosur is a government-sponsored neighborhood in Northeast Spain designed for younger, first-time home buyers. And, after a round of voting by future homeowners, has decided to name a number of its streets after video game characters (NOT dinosaurs), starting with 'Super Mario Bros Avenue'. There's even gonna be a Zelda one. *Google Mapping* I call dibs on a trailer lot!

Onlookers sporting fake black mustaches cheered. A Mario mascot danced. And a violin and cello duet performed the catchy theme song from the popular Nintendo game as the suburb in Zaragoza, northeast Spain, unveiled "Avenida de Super Mario Bros" Saturday.

But the cartoon plumber character, who turns 25 this year, isn't the only one who will be honored by residents of Arcosur, which is still under construction.

Other planned roads in the neighborhood include streets named for "Sonic the Hedgehog," "Space Invaders" and "The Legend of Zelda."

The government-sponsored Arcosur project aims to build more than 21,000 residences for people ages 20 to 35 who are buying their first homes, he said. Construction began last year.

Pretty cool, right? I'd much rather live on Samus Street or Donkey Kong Drive than the road I do now. And not just because it's unsafe, but I am scared to walk to my car without pretending to talk on my cell phone sharpen a knife.

Spanish neighborhood unveils 'Super Mario' street [cnn]

Thanks to Romeo and hobo stick, who both want to live on Tetris Terrace. Except hobo stick, he's actually cool sleeping on the sidewalk in front of Cactus Taqueira on Vine. Hey, I've met you before! Okay, kicked by accident, but still.

Nov 9 2010 Birthday? It Was A Blood Bath!: Kill Bill Cake

Cake Rhapsody (aka Barbarann Garrard) made this Kill Bill inspired cake for her daughter's birthday. That's pretty much all the info I have, minus they should have warned me beforehand that the katana isn't edible. You ever pissed a katana before? Me neither, but if it's anything like ninja stars I'm in for a doozy!

Hit the jump for two close-ups.

Continue Reading " Birthday? It Was A Blood Bath!: Kill Bill Cake "

Nov 9 2010 Flip-Flop Monkey, Have You Been Drinking?

This is a giant passed-out monkey sculpture made out of flip-flops in São Paulo, Brazil, to celebrate Pixel Show, an international art and design conference. Because if there are two things that go hand in hand in this world, it's drunk monkeys and art. Don't believe me? How do you think Picasso was so prolific? Because he painted practically nonstop? Oh. Nevermind then.

I'm making progress! Hit the jump for shots from all different angles. And before you all start calling me out in the comments, yes, I lied about the boob thing.

Continue Reading " Flip-Flop Monkey, Have You Been Drinking? "

Nov 9 2010 I'm Gonna Try Fruit Roll-Ups!: Professor Loses 27 Lbs In Two Months Thanks To Twinkie Diet

Kansas State University health and nutrition professor Mark Haub lost 27 pounds in two months thanks to a strict Little Debbie diet. His goal was to stress "that in weight loss, pure calorie counting is what matters most -- not the nutritional value of the food." Hence the being able to eat shit for two months and still lose weight.

For a class project, Haub limited himself to less than 1,800 calories a day. A man of Haub's pre-dieting size usually consumes about 2,600 calories daily. So he followed a basic principle of weight loss: He consumed significantly fewer calories than he burned.

Two-thirds of his total intake came from junk food. He also took a multivitamin pill and drank a protein shake daily. And he ate vegetables, typically a can of green beans or three to four celery stalks.

His body mass index went from 28.8, considered overweight, to 24.9, which is normal. He now weighs 174 pounds.

I mean, it's not really surprising. If you're body doesn't get the calories it burns in a day, you're going to start losing weight. It doesn't matter if the calories come from Flamin' Hot Cheetos and Mountain Dew or not. Now, I'm not encouraging you all to go on Cheeto and Dew diets, but -- actually, yes, yes I am. Also, you should buy my new book, "The Road To A Healthier You: Now Paved With Cheeto Dust and a Sticky Keyboard". Free blank work-out DVD included!

Hit the link for a much more in-depth article explaining the diet.

Twinkie diet helps nutrition professor lose 27 pounds [cnm]

Thanks to Super Tom (with the power of 2 Toms), Me and mtn due, who have all tried pudding diets with drastic (read: diarrheaic) results.

Nov 9 2010 Cell Phone Cases Made From Your Old Jeans

Have a favorite pair of jeans? Who doesn't? Except me because I only wear boxers. Athletic shorts if I have to walk the dogs. But for those of you whose favorite jeans have finally gone to meet their sweat-shop maker, fear not, for they can rise from the cotton ashes and live again as a cell phone case thanks to Dead Jeans.

After Dead Jeans gets your payment, they'll send you a top secret return envelope and special labeling kit to ensure your back pockets get transformed into the designer ass-case you've always dreamed about for your new iPhone 4.

Expect to pay $42 USD (€ 29,90) for your very own felt lined iPocket, delivered with free shipping from somewhere in the Netherlands.

Apparently you have to carefully cut the pockets off yourself before sending them, which seems like a lot of work considering you still have to pay $42. BUT I DID HALF THE WORK! And, as you may recall, half work and no pay makes Jack a disgruntled employee. And disgruntled employees, my friend, shoot up buildings. Food for thought.

Hit the jump for a video of how to remove a jean pocket with scissors and a razor blade. I'm gonna steal your wallet!

Continue Reading " Cell Phone Cases Made From Your Old Jeans "

Nov 9 2010 That's Too Much: Man Dies After Taking Caffeine Equivalent Of 70 Energy Drinks

A 23-year old British man died at a party after ingesting 70-energy drinks worth of caffeine powder. Being the life of the party: you did it wrong. Get it?! Because he died.

A statement on the caffeine's packaging says to not ingest more than 1/16 of a teaspoon, but according to testimony given at the inquest, the man swallowed spoonfuls of the caffeine -- the equivalent of 70 cans of energy drink. He became ill within a matter of minutes.

While police have said there were no suspicious circumstances and the deceased was not acting illegally, the local coroner criticized both the availability and labeling of the powdered caffeine:

Caffeine is so freely available on the internet for £3.29 [$5.27] but it's so lethal if taken in the wrong dose and here we see the consequence...

Who would take [one sixteenth of a teaspoon]? It's such a small dosage, the warning is so small on the front of it.

If you're sharing a bag, carrying it around and if you hadn't seen the warning - it could be that anyone at the party could have taken it. It's so dangerous to take something like this.

Sharing a bag?!?! Hey bro -- wanna go halfsies on a bag of caff? "No, and you can't have any of my beer or weed either." You know, I guess all the caffeine really gave dude wings after all. Get it?! Because he's an angel. Now -- fetch my Little Sister, daddy needs a new plasmid.

RIP Captain Caffeine

Man Dies After Ingesting Enough Caffeine For 70 Energy Drinks [consumerist]

Thanks to bowzee, who once drank 80 energy drinks in a row and can now piss rainbows that'll kill grass.

Nov 8 2010 You're Cooking My Meat!: New Study (NEW?!) Shows Laptop Use Might Be Frying Your Nuts

The last thing I need is any more children running around. Shoot, I don't even want any more children laying around. Enter a recent study published in the Fertility and Sterility journal about laptops cooking dudes' nuts. *high-five* I WAS MADE TO BE A BLOGGER DAMMIT, NOT A BABY MAKER.

Dr. Yefim Sheynkin, a urologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, who led the new study, said:

"Millions and millions of men are using laptops now, especially those in the reproductive age range. Within 10 or 15 minutes their scrotal temperature is already above what we consider safe."

But according to Dr. Sheynkin, men don't feel the rise in temperature. Also, Sheynkin says that there is little that man can do to lower the temperatures, besides placing the laptop on a desk instead of their laps.

Sheynkin says that the heat from the computer isn't the only problem. When you place a computer on your lap, you typically sit with your legs together. This body heat also helps to "cook" your testicles.

Awesome, so I've been cooking my privates every day for well over three years now. Also, other peoples'. Hanniballs Lector style, yo!

Men, Your Laptop Could be Cooking Your Testicles [indyposted]

Thanks to comfort eagle, who can't type without hunt and pecking. Get it? Because he's a bird, moron.

Nov 8 2010 Please, No Viruses: TRON Quorra Cosplay

For those of you that think this is just some chick with electroluminescent panels slapped on a faux leather bodysuit -- you....would be correct. Because that's what she is. Oooooor Quorra from TRON. Don't remember Quorra from TRON? Lemme jog your RAM: she's from the new one, yo -- you haven't seen it yet! But she's an anthropomorphic computer program if that helps my title make more sense (read: wrap that thumb-drive up).

The costume is made from faux leather and EL Film strips. The luminescent panels are removable, velcored onto the leather vest in order to make the top washable. To be frank, the cutting and re-soldering the EL film was quite tricky to work with but I think I managed to the tame the beast with the help of conductive fabric tape. I will write up a tutorial on how to work with the EL film in the next three weeks for those folks who are interested.

Good lookin'. I like the short hair. But you know what I like even more than short hair? No hair. I'll take a granny with a big ol' bald-spot any day. "GW, WTF's wrong with you?" WTF's wrong with me?! WTF's wrong with this toaster?! "That's not a toaster, that's a lunchbox". Haha, I was wondering why there was an apple in here.

Hit the jump for three more shots of the well, at least she won't get hit by a bus.

Continue Reading " Please, No Viruses: TRON Quorra Cosplay "

Nov 8 2010 Yves "Jetman" Rossy Becomes First Person To Do A Loopty-Loop With Rocket Pack On

Seen here reaching for the sky (or ground rather), 51-year old Yves "Jetman" Rossy successfully performed some rocket-powered aerial acrobatics last Friday, including the often tried, but rarely succeeded without crashing into the ground and dying "loopty-loop".

In his latest endeavour the 51-year-old airline pilot was taken to an altitude of 2,400m by a hot air balloon before jumping out and firing up his jet-pack.

He then flew for a few minutes to stabilise his wings, before flying two aerial loops and parachuting back to Earth 18 minutes later...

A statement on the Jetman.com website added: "This flight has been achieved with Yves Rossy's new wing, smaller (2 meters instead of 2.5 meters) and without unfoldable parts.

"This new prototype, designed by Yves and the RUAG Company, possesses a better aerodynamic profile and more stability.

Congratulations, Yves, on becoming the first man to perform tricks with a jetpack on. Please step forward to accept your award. HAHA -- just kidding! You haven't seen the Iron Man movies, have you?

Hit the jump for a video of the high flyer in action.

Continue Reading " Yves "Jetman" Rossy Becomes First Person To Do A Loopty-Loop With Rocket Pack On "

Nov 8 2010 It's A Bird -- It's A Plane -- It's...A Flying Shark?

This is a $100 RC plane that looks like a flying shark (NOT a flying lawnmower). I swear, what will they think of next? One that looks like a unicorn? That would be f***ing awesome. Gosh, I hope it comes with magic missiles and glitter grenades!

Ever wanted to see a flying shark? Here's your chance. The new Flying Shark plane isn't made just for looks, it flies great! Made with flexible EPS foam and EPO anti-falls material, this shark can do some heavy duty flying. Get one today and you'll start hearing things like, "LOOK! A FLYING SHARK!"

No, no you won't start hearing things like that. But what you will start hearing are things like, "Dude, we should totally put a bunch of fireworks in its mouth before it takes off!" and "Come on, fly it into a power line -- I want to see what happens!" Friends, always saying the dardest things, amirite? I wouldn't know.

Hit the jump for a video of the killer of the skies in action.

Continue Reading " It's A Bird -- It's A Plane -- It's...A Flying Shark? "

Nov 8 2010 Double O Suspect: Hidden Camera Spy Shirt

The Electronic Spy Camera Shirt from ThinkGeek costs $40 and has a little spycam hidden in the image (ironically, in the camera!) on the front. It takes far-from-stunning 640 x 480px pictures, but only in bright light, making a bow-tie camera far more practical (not to mention classy).

The Electronic Spy Camera Shirt is for novelty purposes only. Please respect the privacy of other carbon based life forms... robots and aliens are fair game. Best results are achieved by shooting during the day. Night shots are only feasible if you can stand amazingly still and your subjects are not moving.

Privacy schmivacy, you can't sell a product with SPY CAMERA in the title and then tell me not to run into the women's locker room clicking away like a madman. It's like that study they did where they left children alone in a room with a bowlful of candy and told them not to touch it. That one fat kid licked every single chocolate!

Hit the jump for a couple more product shots, including a sample photo of some hottie.

Continue Reading " Double O Suspect: Hidden Camera Spy Shirt "

Nov 8 2010 In Our Darkest Hour, Space-Dragon'll Save Us

Just kidding, he's gonna watch us all burn. And you know what? I don't blame him. You know how many people I let in front of me while driving this weekend? A good amount. And you know how many waved to show their appreciation instead of acting like self-entitled @$$holes? A bad amount. I swear I'm *this close* to buying an old truck and rocking everybody's world (and vertebrae). Anyway, Space Dragon -- or maybe it's Space Phoenix. Whatever the case, I don't even want to know what comes out of his black hole after eating a galaxy. I'm talking stuff not even the crew of the Enterprise would want to admit. Shit that could kill a star.

Picture (high-res)

Thanks to Fish Man, who will remain a fish until kissed by a beautiful princess. Ooooooor cut up and made into sushi.

Nov 8 2010 Disgustingly Delicious: T-Giving Turkey Cake

Well folks, Target already has all their Christmas stuff out, so you know what that means -- only three more weeks to Thanksgiving. Still haven't decided what
kind of culinary bomb to drop on your extended family? How about a turkey cake? WTF's a turkey cake? A ground turkey and sausage-stuffing cake with layers of sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce and mashed potato icing. Mmmmm! Blaaaaaah! Mmmmm.

Whether this Thanksgiving centerpiece incites horror, amazement, or confusion when it's served, it's certain to evoke some kind of outburst. Warning: This dish is not recommended for people who require an inch of space between food groups.

Thankfully, I do not require an inch of space between food groups. But I do require at least a half hour rest after eating before getting back in the pool. Because you know what happens if you don't, right? You get cramps floaters.

Hit the link for the full recipe.

Thanksgiving Turkey Cake Recipe [chow]

Thanks to Pau, who once stuffed a turkey with diamonds because he has expensive taste. Get it? Because diamonds cost so much!

Nov 8 2010 Trailer Thief Caught On Google Street View

Seen here about to piss on a man's driveway because stealing his trailer just isn't enough, an image of the thief suspected of stealing a trailer (above) was captured by a passing Google Street View car in England.

The white Abbey Adventura caravan went missing from outside a house in Cauldwell Road, Linton, in summer 2009.

Its owner checked Google this year and spotted a man parked in the driveway.

It is thought the Street View car could have been passing shortly before the theft, and officers want to hear from anyone who recognises the man.

Pc Adrian Mason, who is investigating the theft, said: "It is amazing that we have such a clear image of a man who we think will be able to give us information that would help the police inquiry.

Oh snap -- consider yourself Big Brothered! Also, I didn't know people in England even owned trailers. I thought that was something unique to the American south. And let me tell you -- those folks don't take kindly to somebody stealing their homes. You know what happens to trailer thieves in southern jails? Butt sex, just like everybody else.

Google Street View image appeal in caravan theft probe [bbc]

Thanks to struvs, who stole one of those double-decker buses and drove it straight into moviegoer's hearts in the 1991 comedy classic Grandma Get The Wheel.

Nov 5 2010 Count Me In!: Turn Your Sink From Faucet To Water Fountain With The Squeeze Of A Nip

Tapi faucet nipples from Dreamfarm (I'm not gonna lie, I've always dreamed of farming nipples, too) turns your faucet into a water fountain by squeezing off the hole at the bottom. Simple! Plus it comes in a rainbow of colors, none of which will match any kitchen/bathroom's decor. But hey, that's a small price to pay to not have to drink out of your hands, amirite? Haha, what's a cup? Oooooh -- right. And speaking of cups -- I want you to spell ICUP out loud. DAMN YEAH YOU DO, I'M HOSING YOUR SHOES!

Hit the jump for two more shots because they were available and I'm thorough.

Continue Reading " Count Me In!: Turn Your Sink From Faucet To Water Fountain With The Squeeze Of A Nip "

Nov 5 2010 Fainting Cats: Now With More Laser Blasting

Remember the video of the cats with fainting goat syndrome? Well here's an edit of the video with the little guys getting laser blasted and falling over. I can't tell if actually makes me feel better or worse, but I just loved those kitties so much I thought I'd post it. Also, a picture of my genitals to make you feel better about yourself/your boyfriend. Can't even tell what you're looking at, can you? I think my job here is done.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Fainting Cats: Now With More Laser Blasting "

Nov 5 2010 Marty McFly Inspecting The Ace Of Cakes' Amazing Back To The Future DeLorean

Note: a couple more shots and a short video of the cake's special effects after the jump. That's right -- a cake with special effects.

"On Saturday, November 5, 1955, Doc came up with the idea of the flux capacitor (which is what makes time travel possible) after slipping off his toilet while standing on it to hang a clock and bumping his head on the edge of the sink. The idea came to him in a vision he had after being knocked out."

That's right folks, today marks the 55th anniversary of Doc Brown's invention of the flux capacitor. And what better way to celebrate than with an 8-foot Ace of Cakes-constructed DeLorean cake? I can't think of any. Well, besides using a car battery to apply 1.21 gigawatts to your nips so you can go back in time and bang dinos. *prepping alligator clips* Well -- here goes nothing!
...
...
Aaaaaand both my tits are on fire.

Hit the jump for a video of the cake hitting 88MPH.

Continue Reading " Marty McFly Inspecting The Ace Of Cakes' Amazing Back To The Future DeLorean "

Nov 5 2010 I Don't Even Know Who You Are Anymore!: An Octopus Can Mimic Over 15 Different Species

You probably already know about the mimic octopus because you're at that stage in your life where you stay up late getting high and watching Animal Planet. I've been there. But for those of you who haven't, this is a video of the mimic octopus, an octopus that can successfully mimic over 15 different species of sea creatures.

until now, an octopus with the ability to actually assume the appearance of another animal had never been observed.

"Having studied many octopus species in the wild, I am never surprised by the color and shape change capacities of these animals," said Mark Norman of the Melbourne Museum in Australia. "However, this animal stood out as it was the only one we've encountered that goes beyond camouflage to take on the guise of dangerous animals."

The octopus's mimic animals (not to be confused with spirit animals) include, but are by no means limited to: a poisonous flatfish, a poisonous sea snake, and the lionfish. Cool! Ooh ooh -- do an eel next! Amazing. Now do a spicy tuna roll! *dousing with soy sauce* Haha -- sucker!

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video. Particularly if you ever wanted to be a marine biologist (and who hasn't?).

Continue Reading " I Don't Even Know Who You Are Anymore!: An Octopus Can Mimic Over 15 Different Species "

Nov 5 2010 The Hole Is A Lie: Real Life Portal T-Shirt

Ben Heck, modder extraordinaire, went and created a Portal t-shirt. I assume for Halloween, but possibly just for fun. It's almost identical to this guy's "hole through the chest" shirt, except that one doesn't have a Portal theme, making it forgettable at best. What was I just talking about? Exactly.

Hit the jump for an entirely-too-long 17-minute video of the shirt from conceptualization to building to finished product.

Continue Reading " The Hole Is A Lie: Real Life Portal T-Shirt "

Nov 5 2010 From Assy To Classy: Toilet Paper Tube Art

From ass-wipe to art, toilet paper tubes: apparently they're multifunctional. But what's gonna happen when the new tubeless TP rolls take off? Your guess is as good as mine. Unless you guessed anything besides, "absolutely nothing", in which case, congratulations, you're the world's worst guesser. Also, kisser. Remember that time you set up a kissing booth at the fair? How many customers did you get? Exactly, one. Sure I came back thirty times but only because I wanted your gum.

Hit the jump for a couple more, then the link for a TON more from different angles.

Continue Reading " From Assy To Classy: Toilet Paper Tube Art "

Nov 5 2010 Uh-Oh: Ol' Geezer Mask Fools Airport Security

Apparently a Chinese man successfully boarded a flight from Hong Kong to Canada wearing a mask that made him look like an old-ass white guy. Mid-flight dude decided to take the mask off in the bathroom, which landed him in the hands of Border Service Officers upon the plane's Canadian arrival. Probably should have kept it on, bro. You know the saying, "when the coast is clear"? It wasn't yet. Like, not at all.

"The passenger in question was observed at the beginning of the flight to be an elderly Caucasian male who appeared to have young looking hands. During the flight the subject attended the washroom and emerged an Asian looking male that appeared to be in his early 20s."

The agency would not discuss when or why the man put on the disguise or details about how he boarded the plane. But the alert indicated that the suspect boarded the plane with a board pass belonging to another passenger.

"It is believed that the subject and the actual United States Citizen passenger (whose date of birth is 1955) performed a boarding pass swap, with the subject using an Aeroplan card as identification to board the flight," the alert said.

Aeroplan is a credit card where card holders can earn frequent flyer miles.

So what do you make of this? Espionage? A guy who just really wanted to visit Canada? Also, how do we know he wasn't wearing TWO masks and is actually an alien? Bet you never thought of that one, did you, airport security?! That's exactly why I'm nominating myself for Director of Worldwide Travel Security. First order of business: appointing myself a DD.

Exclusive: Man in disguise boards international flight [cnn]

Thanks to Brian, who once tried wearing Ugg boots on a flight but was detained by security because they thought he was a Yeti. And to comfort eagle, who was detained by security for being a f***ing eagle. WHY WERE YOU TAKING A PLANE ANYWAYS?!

Nov 5 2010 Stocking Stuffers!: Fossilized Dinosaur Dung

Not only does it make a great stocking stuffer, it makes a great Thanksgiving turkey stuffer. Hence the choking hazard warning. Also, who is this Thomas Colbern, "Noted Amateur Paleontologist", and what makes him the authority on authenticating dino butt nuggets? Just sayin', my collection's second to none. You hear that, Smithsonian? You ain't got dino-shit on me!

jruhsmith's Flickr
via
Fossilized Dinosaur Poop! [buzzfeed]

Nov 4 2010 Dam You Crazy: Goats Climbing Vertical Dam

See this dam? Look closer at the left corner. Recognizable shape? It's a goat. Or, more specifically, an Alpine ibex. And the rest of the shadows are all the same. They're climbing the Cingino Dam in Italy and licking the salt deposits in the rocks because their veggie diets don't provide them with enough sodium. Pfft -- too much salt's bad for you anyways! I don't want salt-diabetes. You guys are cray-cray for climbing that damn dam all the time. If you don't mind I'm just gonna just sit here and watch, maybe nibble one of your turds once you're back on solid ground. What?! Ibex you won't think it's so gross when one of you takes a nose-dive!

Hit the jump for several close-ups and a video of the, uh, you do know salt's cheap as shit at the store, right? Just sayin', I'll go buy you some.

Continue Reading " Dam You Crazy: Goats Climbing Vertical Dam "

Nov 4 2010 No, You're Stupid: How Different Smartphone Users View Themselves (And Others)

I have no idea if this is accurate or not. What I do know is I use an iPhone (my only Apple product) and I have NEVER had tits. At least not as big as the girl's in the picture. Well, not after the surgery anyway. But I did used to wear a skirt like that to my tennis tournaments and bend over the net all seductively so the umpire could see my -- what do they call the things you wear under a tennis skirt? Right -- my balls. HEY UMP, LIKE WHAT YOU SEE or do you Love-Love it? Tennis joke!

iPhone vs. Android vs. BlackBerry [csectioncomics]
via
How smartphone users see each other, Android vs. BlackBerry vs. iPhone [androidandme]

Thanks to brook, who carries one of each and uses whichever phone is right for the particular occasion. LOLWUT?! Please tell me you're kidding.

Nov 4 2010 Zip-Bed Never Has To Be Made, Only Zipped

The Zip Bed is a bed designed with zip-up covers. Why? I have no idea. I assume it has something to do with bed bugs.

Italian furniture design company Florida has created the perfect bed for those mornings when you just want to grab a coffee and run out the door. All that you have to do is simply get out and zip it up - no more making your bed in the morning. At night, you just unzip it and climb back in. If you like the snugged-up feeling, you can even be "zipped-in."

An Italian furniture company named Florida? Why not Florence? Also, I could have sworn these were invented forever ago and sold under another name. What were those things called? Oh right, SLEEPING BAGS. Which, fun fact: I used to be so afraid of ghosts raping me at night I would only sleep in a sleeping bag with just my head poking out. It's true -- I would sweat so badly eventually the interior fabric would start to mold. But Capser never got that ass.

Bed-making is a breeze, with the Zip Bed [gizmag]

Thanks to David and towel monster, who are comfortably sleeping anywhere provided the lights are on and the room is set up in accordance with the laws of feng shui.

Nov 4 2010 San Francisco Cleverly Bans Happy Meals

I hate seeing little fat kids running around. Actually, I take that back, little fat kids running around is good. LITTLE FAT KIDS GETTING PUSHED AROUND IN STROLLERS IS BAD. Real bad. STOP LETTING THOSE LIL OOMPA LOOMPAS DRINK SO MUCH POP! Thankfully, in effort to curb childhood obesity San Francisco has sneakily found a way to ban Happy Meals and other dangerously delicious kid's meals.

In order to include a toy with purchase, these new, unhappier meals must meet a checklist of nutritional requirements (PDF):

• The meal can't exceed 600 calories
• Less than 35 percent of the calories can come from fat (nuts, nut butters, low-fat cheese excepted)
• It's required to have a half cup of vegetables
• Breakfast meals are required to have a half cup of fruit
• Sodium limits
• A multigrain requirement

I'm not gonna lie, that does sound like a Sad Meal. But what's more important: making sure your children eat healthy, or getting them to stop their whining by giving them what they want? The whining thing? Oh. Well that, uh, that explains a lot. Now if you'll excuse me -- hello, child services?

San Francisco Bans Happy Meals [gizmodo]

Thanks to Blaqk Panda, Cliff and AngerFace, who invented Joy Meals in the mid-70's but Ronald McDonald hired the Hamburglar to steal the idea and the rest is crappy-toy history.

Nov 4 2010 Turn All Those Maxed Out Credit Cards Of Yours Into Guitar Picks With The Pick Punch!

The Pick Punch is a $25 hole punch that cuts holes in the shape of -- you guessed it -- guitar picks. It makes a great gift for the musician on your holiday shopping list. "But GW, I don't have any musicians on my holiday shopping list -- just a bunch of fake friends and family members I hate." Dick punches all around.

Product Site
via
DIY guitar pick punch [make]

Thanks to Christine, who was going to make a bunch of guitar picks out of old records but the guy at the music store called security before she even got started.

Nov 4 2010 Invisibility Cloak One Step Closer To Reality, Or: Is It Too Early To Start Staking Out A Comfy Place To Sit In The Women's Locker Room?

Yes, that really is me with my invisibility helmet on. I know, I know, I probably should have made a whole suit. Anyway, UK scientists claim they're one step closer to an invisibility cloak thanks to a new flexible metamaterial. Pfft -- I'll believe it when I don't see it.

Scientists in the UK have demonstrated a flexible film that represents a big step toward the "invisibility cloak" made famous by Harry Potter.

Metamaterials work by interrupting and channelling the flow of light at a fundamental level; in a sense they can be seen as bouncing light waves around in a prescribed fashion to achieve a particular result.

However, the laws of optics have it that light waves can only be manipulated in this way by structures that are about as large as the waves' length.

Until now, the most striking demonstrations of invisibility have occurred for light waves with a much longer wavelength - a far redder colour - than we can see. This is because it is simply easier to construct metamaterials with relatively large structures.

UGH -- HARRY POTTER DID NOT MAKE INVISIBILITY CLOAKS FAMOUS. That's like saying that other writer-lady (who's name I won't even take the time to look up) made vampires famous. They've both been popular forever! I was a vampire for Halloween 22 years ago. And 14 years ago I made a bench costume out of cardboard and hid in the women's locker room before being squashed by a fat lady with a really hairy bush. *shivers* It felt like a Brillo pad on the back of my neck.

Invisibility cloak closer with flexible 'metamaterial' [bbc]

Thanks to brook, Jennaiii, Rev Dr Dom and Super Awesome To The Max, who agree commercially available invisibility cloaks will cause over a 100% decrease in worldwide productivity.

Nov 4 2010 GW To Princess Leia, Come In Princess Leia: Holographic Telecom Coming Soon?

Oh I'm sorry -- did I catch you just getting out of the shower again? Don't worry, I'll look away (as soon as I hit record on my webcam), I swear. Hey -- and what's up with all the BEEP BOOP BOP-ing in the background? WHY IS THAT TRASHCAN IN YOUR BEDROOM?!

A University of Arizona team says it has devised a system that can make a holographic display appear in another place and update it in near real-time.In the set up described in Nature, 16 cameras recorded 2D images of objects and people from multiple angles, and then sent that information to another location using a computer connection.

The system demonstrated this week is far from the finished product, but it gives a very strong hint of what might be achievable with further refinements.

At its heart is a new plastic screen material that will record 3D holographic images time and time again, every two seconds.

At the remote site, a laser was used to "print" the visual information on to the new photosensitive polymer. The 3D image composed of the 16 perspectives decays naturally, but the laser can write the next "frame" before it completely disappears.

Obviously the important question is how the pr0n industry is gonna harness the power of holograms to create holopr0n, and, perhaps even more importantly, whether or not I'm gonna have to buy a new computer monitor to see said laser-titties.

Check out the link for BBC's much more in-depth article and a couple videos of the technology in use.

Hologram messaging coming of age [bbc]

Thanks to David, Rev Dr Dom, alyson, Robert and sage, who are all afraid of getting trapped in holograms. Really? I'm afraid of getting trapped in an an elevator with diarrhea.

Nov 4 2010 DO NOT WANT (Scaling The Side Of My Apartment Building): Wall Climbing Robots

There are good ideas, bad ideas, and then Japanese wall climbing robots. Sure they still require rungs to climb, but wait till they evolve. If you think in a couple years they won't be able to climb sheer glass you've got another thing coming. Namely, a robot climbin' in yo windows, snatchin' yo people up. Bed intruderbots.

These three guys have been gradually climbing up and down a 15-minute wall in 20-minute intervals for more than half a year. Again, for no particular reason from what I can tell, except to entertain us.

First of all, the robots are slow as hell and, on an entertainment scale from 1 - 10, are a 2, tops. Same goes for SNL. I've been going through my DVR watching all the recent shows and -- more often than not -- would rather stare at the floor. Just sayin', you know it's bad when I start looking for patterns in the carpet.

Hit the jump for a boring video of the future bed intruders doing their thing.

Continue Reading " DO NOT WANT (Scaling The Side Of My Apartment Building): Wall Climbing Robots "

Nov 3 2010 Melon Shot Off Head With .50 Cal Sniper Rifle

In other "you've got to be f***ing kidding me" news, this is a video of a guy getting a watermelon exploded off his head with a .50 caliber sniper rifle. Now if you're familiar with Freddie's other Youtube videos, you'll know almost all (read: all) of them involve special effects, so I'm assuming this is the case with this one. Because I don't care how much I trust someone, nobody's shooting anything off MY head with anything larger than a .45 because I value my face. Still, feel free to send this video to friends telling them it's real and you want to try it after chugging a few beers and doing bat-spins. Anybody who says yes is a true friend.

Hit the jump for the near headshot.

Continue Reading " Melon Shot Off Head With .50 Cal Sniper Rifle "

Nov 3 2010 Safety First Last: Driver Reading Analog Book, Kindle And Using Cell Phone Simultaneously

This is a video of some asshat driving while reading a book, Kindle and using a cell phone at the same time. Well, not exactly at the same time because he doesn't have twenty eyeballs (that I can see), but he does have enough bad decision-making skills for like six Darwin Award recipients. I'm not convinced the whole thing wasn't staged by the guys (who are obviously getting high) filming it, but I also don't want to discredit just how stupid this idiot moron probably is. HOW DID YOU EVEN PASS YOUR DRIVING TEST? Because it took me three tries and I only squeaked by with the maximum allowable points off and several squirty turds in the back of my pants. Huh -- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ACED IT?! You're trying to tell me you're soooooo good at driving you actually need a handicap? *grabbing tire iron* I'm about to open a whole can of handicaps on your ass!

Hit the jump for the "WTF is wrong with you?" in action

Continue Reading " Safety First Last: Driver Reading Analog Book, Kindle And Using Cell Phone Simultaneously "

Nov 3 2010 Dating Website For 'Asthetically Challenged' (Read: Booboo) Celebrates 1st Engagement

Tom Clifford and Janine Walker (above) aren't just hard on the eyes, they're getting married in December after meeting and romancing on www.theuglybugball.com, a dating website designed for booboo looking people (this one too). Tom and Janine are officially the website's first successful engagement. *perusing website* WHERE ARE THE CHICKS WITH BEARDS?

Now the pair, who enjoyed a mutual love of junk food and TV dinners, are planning a winter wedding near their respective homes

Mr Clifford, 36, a carpet fitter who has a ''face that makes children cry'', said: ''I've been a joke to women for years because of the way I look.

''I always thought that I was too ugly to meet Mrs Right but my life changed when I met Janine.

''She's beautiful and I love her in every possible way. I still can't believe this is happening.''

Mr Clifford, who has been single since 1998, spotted Janine, 31, on the site in late August.

Okay, so that might have brought a little tear to my eye. Ha, tear like tearing up paper to make a collage, not tear as in crying. Seriously, I had to stop clicking ads for fear of my eyes ripping themselves in half. I did meet a chick with a sweet handlebar mustache though. *Vroom vroom!*

Official Website
via
Dating website 'for ugly people' celebrating first engagement [telegraph]

Thanks to mikoboy, who meets women the way nature intended: placing classifieds in the Penny Saver advertising used farm equipment. I'm not gonna lie, I could use a good plow.

Nov 3 2010 Mood Wounds: Bandages That Change Color When A Wound Becomes Infected

Remember when mood rings were cool? That was a trick question, they've never not been. As a matter of fact, I'm wearing like forty of them even as I type this. Two on my penis! He's super sad right now.

This is one of those things that is so obvious that you want to smack your head against the wall for not thinking of it first. Researchers in Munich, Germany have invented an indicator dye that changes color when bruises become infected.

The researchers at the Fraunhofer Research Institution for Modular Solid State Technologies EMFT say that the the dye works by measuring pH values. Regular human skin and healed wounds have a pH value around 5 -- if the pH value goes up to 6.5 or 8.5, then the dye will change color from clear to purple. When it changes to purple is when you should start panicking because you'll likely have an infection.

Don't get me wrong, they sound like a great idea and all, I just wonder how much more expensive they're gonna be. Because if a doctor puts it on you KNOW your insurance is gonna be billed like sixty-thousand dollars. Thankfully, I happen to know a much simpler way to determine if a wound is infected: smell it. Does it smell like maggots? Goop some Neosporin on that bitch STAT!

Bandage changes color if wound becomes infected [dvice]

Nov 3 2010 You Are Officially An Idiot: Woman Blames Make-Believe Burglars For Broken Computer

The world's dumbest woman, or the world's best insurance scammer? I'd go with the world's dumbest woman, but the sad part is, I know there's worse. Same goes for men. I just wonder if the 911 operator that fielded her call was allowed to hang up before listening to the rest of Ms. Computerguru's problems. "Oh and another thing -- after a storm they like to break in and reset the clock on my microwave."

Blotter Item of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Nov 3 2010 Do Want: This $4,150 Secret Surveillance Van

Forget luring kids in with candy, with this surveillance van you can make money on the side being a private eye! It comes with everything a creepy man in a van needs, including: AC/DC power, swiveling captain's chair (on tracks!), WOOD PANELING, cell phone, CB radio, sound system, PERISCOPE, audio/video recording equipment, A SHITTER, four wheels AND A BUNCH OF DIALS AND KNOBS!!!11 I know, I should really go into used car sales. Also, back to college and demand my tuition be returned. SO COME ON DOWN TO GW'S USED EMPORIUM WHERE YOU'VE GOT MY PERSONAL GUARANTEE: IF I CAN'T GET YOU IN A GREAT USED CAR, YOU'RE LEAVING IN A TRUNK.*

*32.99% financing for well-qualified buyers during our sign-or-die sales event.

Hit the jump for a ton more pictures of all the amenities.

Continue Reading " Do Want: This $4,150 Secret Surveillance Van "

Nov 3 2010 In Socialist Movie Theaters, Movies Watch You

Well you can cross "dark movie theaters" off your list of safe places to conduct drug deals, because apparently you're going to be filmed while watching movies in the future as part of an effort to 1. curb your enthusiasm piracy and 2. gauge audience reaction to movies/advertisements. And to think I used to only have to worry about the pimply usher busting me with all the booze and candy I smuggled in. I hate the future!

In an effort to further combat piracy, some cinemas have incorporated the use of an infrared scanning system that detects recording devices in the audience and if detected, sounds an alarm to alert management. Now the company that offers those services, Aralia Systems, is working to enhance the system by incorporating technology which will scan and read the audiences' physical expressions and emotions.

"Within the cinema industry this tool will feed powerful marketing data that will inform film directors, cinema advertisers and cinemas with useful data about what audiences enjoy and what adverts capture the most attention. By measuring emotion and movement film companies and cinema advertising agencies can learn so much from their audiences that will help to inform creativity and strategy," Dr. Abdul Farooq from Machine Vision Lab told TorrentFreak.

I don't like it, I don't it one bit. But is that gonna stop me from licking gummi bears and winging them at the screen hoping they stick? You can bet their mushy asses it's not! Which reminds me -- did I ever tell you about the time I brought and drank a whole fifth of rum in the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie? Because I did that. Aaaaaand accidentally kicked it over and listened to it bounce it's way down to the front row. You know what the usher said to me? Nothing -- I already had my cutlass drawn.

Going to the movies? Prepare to be watched while you watch [myce]

Thanks to rya, who's so scared he'll now only watch movies from home. Oh yeah? Too bad your DVD player is watching.

Nov 3 2010 Doughnut Transport Will Never Be The Same

The $12 Doughnut-To-Go dougnut briefcase is a briefcase for the safe and secure transport of sprinkled deliciousness (NOT bananas). More of a jelly-filled kind of person? You're shit out of luck, because these only work with holed donuts. HEY McFLY, YOU BOJO -- DOUGHNUT-TO-GO'S DON'T WORK ON BAVARIAN CREAMS. Just look at all those features: lollipop stand, a hole for a lock -- and, what's this -- a passive ventilation system?! Personally, I prefer an aggressive ventilation system but that's just me and I like an air conditioner that's not afraid to throw a punch and call me names every once in awhile. Feels good. Also, sleeping in until you can't sleep anymore. WHICH I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED BUT PRAY FOR EVERY NIGHT BEFORE BED. And has that ever stopped my alarm from going off at 6:00AM? It has not. Any morning you want to God, I'm ready. Just sayin', I'm cool with sheet-scars.

Hit the jump for a couple more shot and -- AND -- a video. "Dam GW, did you just say video?" I did. And I meant it.

Continue Reading " Doughnut Transport Will Never Be The Same "

Nov 2 2010 When Couples Break Up, According To Facebook Data. Alternatively, He/She Was Way Out Of Your League Anyway

Note: Larger version available HERE in case you're trying to pinpoint how popular your birthday is for breaking up.

I don't know about you, but I've never been broken up with. Shot and left for dead, sure, but never broken up with. The few times it almost happened I tricked the girl/dino into giving it another shot, and then broke up with her the next day. Haha, works like a charm! Well, at least until they start smashing your electronics and beating your car with a rake. Womens.

A very interesting data visualization from infographic wizard David McCandless is making its way around the web, depicting the most common times a year that people break up -- via Facebook status updates.

McCandless whipped out the chart during a TED talk this past summer. Apparently, he and his team scraped 10,000 status updates for the phrases "break up" and "broken up," and made the following discoveries: 1). A ton of people break up before social occasions like Spring Break and the summer, 2). Mondays aren't just the start of the work week -- there're the end of many a relationship, 3). People have the decency not to dump their significant others on Christmas Day.

That chart is really fascinating and all (I didn't actually bother looking at it), but I can already tell you when most people break up. The day one of them finds out the other is cheating. Also a popular date for gun-related deaths!

Facebook Status Updates Tell the Story of Romance Gone Awry [mashable]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who's convinced half of his friends create fake profiles for their significant others even though they're imaginary and everybody knows it. F*** that's sad.

Nov 2 2010 Slo-Mo Po-Co: Popcorn Poppin' At 6,200 FPS

FPS as in frames per second, not first person shooter. That wouldn't even make sense, Captain Crazy. Hit the jump to watch the video, it's only 12-seconds long. Then, we'll all gather around the concession stand at the movie theater and complain about how unimpressive it looks at regular speed. "Uh, GW, did you just empty a flask into your Coke?" IS THIS MOVIE GOING TO SUCK? OF COURSE I DID, YOU SAW ME DO IT -- IT WASN'T A CATHETER BAG, STUPID! *sipping* Oh, yes it was too.

Hit the jump for the slow motion pop.

Continue Reading " Slo-Mo Po-Co: Popcorn Poppin' At 6,200 FPS "

Nov 2 2010 In Other Booze News: Smart Kids Are More Likely To Grow Up To Be Heavy Drinkers

You can tell that kid's an exception and not the rule because the beer comes out the side on those lil' mini-kegs. And I must be the same because I was dumb as hell as a child but now I'm a hellaboozehound. RIDDLE ME THAT, "SCIENCE"! Blame life? That's what I've been doing!

Don't worry, all that excessive drinking is just a sign of your intelligence. According to two long-term studies -- one American, one British -- there's a correlation between smarts and a thirst for alcohol. The "more intelligent children in both studies grew up to drink alcohol more frequently and in greater quantities than less intelligent children," says Liz Day at Discover.

The article goes on to propose three different reasons for why this might be, two of which are ridiculously stupid (1. it's evolutionary: booze is relatively new (~10K years of use) and smart people are early adopters and 2. boozing makes up for the childhood you didn't have because you were a bookworm). But the third actually makes sense.

Drinking is the only way to deal with morons: Smart people "booze so we can tolerate everyone else," says Greg at Food & Wine Blog. When sober, we tend to "take people's responses at literal face value." But after a few drinks, "we can relax a bit, stop being so anal with semantics and let comments slide a bit."

Letting comments slide, that I believe. Which is exactly why I have to be at least 40 king-size bed sheets to the wind before venturing into the Geekologie comments. See? THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, JERKBAG! *throwing some seriously macho-ass punches* Did I mention booze makes me violent? Because it does. Plus hansome as a mofro. *checking mirror* Oh hai Sessypants!

Why do smart kids grow up to be heavier drinkers? [theweek]
via
Born a Smartypants? Study Shows You Will Like to Booze it Up [obviouswinner]

Nov 2 2010 Facebook Troll Gets 18 Weeks In Slammer

An unemployed British troll who primarily attacked on Facebook has been sentenced to jail time for his harassment. No word on how trolls are treated in the clink, but I'm hoping poorly. And not just because I hate trolls, but you know the biggest goat from Three Billy Goats Gruff -- the one that tosses that little green freak off the bridge? That was me.

...36-year-old Colm Coss has been jailed for 18 weeks after trolling Facebook memorial sites and posting "abusive messages." He was charged after sending letters to neighbors containing his address, photos of himself and bragging about being a troll.

Coss, who lives in Manchester, apparently liked to create fake Facebook accounts and mess with people on tribute sites for the late British reality star Jade Goody and John Paul Massey, a kid who had been mauled to death by a dog. Mess how? Well, apparently Coss liked to tell his new Facebook friends that he'd had sex with Goody and Massey's corpses.

Which is, don't get me wrong, totally gross and weird, but... did the Brits really make it illegal? Ha, duh, it's the U.K., of course they did. The Communications Act of 2003 outlaws "sending malicious communications that [are] grossly offensive."

WOW. It takes a real sicko to pull something like that. Also, apparently a lot of time, which explains why guy couldn't have a job. Did I say couldn't? I meant he got fired from being a forest ranger for having sex with trees. "I Colm Coss the bark makes my wienie feel good." BOOM -- CONSIDER YOURSELF TROLLED, AMATEUR!

Man Thrown in Jail for Trolling Facebook Pages [gawker]
and
Picture (Illustration of Three Billy Goats Gruff)

Thanks to mikoboy, who doesn't troll as much as he gnomes. I don't even know what that means but you better not do it on Geekologie.

Nov 2 2010 Move Over Crack, You Got Nothin' On Booze!: Alcohol -- The Most Harmful/Dangerous Drug

According to a recent study that took both the potential harm to the drug user, as well as others/society into consideration, it turns out alcohol is the most harmful drug, even above crack and heroin. Woopsie. Of course, the study was conducted by a one Professor Nutt, effectively negating the results on account of him bein' cray-cray.

Members of the group, joined by two other experts, scored each drug for harms including mental and physical damage, addiction, crime and costs to the economy and communities.

The study involved 16 criteria, including a drug's affects on users' physical and mental health, social harms including crime, "family adversities" and environmental damage, economic costs and "international damage".

Prof Nutt told the BBC: "Overall, alcohol is the most harmful drug because it's so widely used.

"Crack cocaine is more addictive than alcohol but because alcohol is so widely used there are hundreds of thousands of people who crave alcohol every day, and those people will go to extraordinary lengths to get it."

Extraordinary lengths, huh? Because I usually just walk the block down to the liquor store. That said, maybe it really is time I lay off booze for a while. That's right folks, I'm gonna try Buprenorphine! And khat. And, sure why not: butane. Speaking of which -- I think I saw a butane lighter on the balcony!...
....
....
....So, uh, I guess you can't really use it as a suppository? Maybe if I tape the button down first...
....
....
....Aaaaaand my ass is on fire. Ooh -- grundle too.

Alcohol 'more harmful than heroin' says Prof David Nutt [bbcnews]

Thanks to Jordan, elephantastic and King Kruddy, who all sniff glue.

Nov 2 2010 Tom-Foolery!: Sinking Boat Not Really Sinking

Artist Julien Berthier built a boat that looks like it's perpetually sinking even though it's not. Affectionately (literally) named 'Love Love', the boat is fully functional and Jaws-approved.

The boat has a built-in motor and is able to move around just like any other boat, albeit a boat that will draw a lot more attention than your standard dinghy. It was created by artist Julien Berthier, and he's since taken it out to all sorts of places such as Canary Wharf in London and Normandy, Francy.

First of all, I beg to differ that this boat draws more attention than a standard dinghy. Especially if said (sub)standard dinghy is my own and I'm pointing at it yelling "EVER-BODY, LOOK -- MUH DINGHY'S ON FIRE!" Secondly, Julien, if you built a boat that always looks like it's sinking, how can you tell if it really starts going under? That's some serious "Boy Who Cried Wolf" shit right there. You gonna get sexed by mermen, yo!

Hit the jump for a shot of the boat out of water.

Continue Reading " Tom-Foolery!: Sinking Boat Not Really Sinking "

Nov 2 2010 Awesome: Millennium Falcon Window Decal

You've got to admit, for someone from Indiana that's pretty clever. Kidding! I don't actually have anything against Indiana. Now North Dakota -- God, don't even get me started. Psyche, I'm cool with them too. But NOT Montana, Hannah. Really not happy about that whole situation. She's so young but dresses so slutty and sings about really sexual stuff. God, I can't even imagine what it would feel like being that girl's father. Achy breaky heart-y for sure.

Star Wars Rear Window Sticker [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Adrian K, who has a sticker that makes his Mercedes look like a TIE Fighter. Hoho -- working for the dark side, are we?

Nov 2 2010 Kermit? Noooooooo!!: LEGO Frog Dissection

Dave Kaleta went and created a dissected LEGO frog as part of the MOC LEGO-building Olympics. Mmmm, just like high school biology class. Smell that? Formaldehyde. Now quick, give me a sip while the teacher isn't looking. *wiping lips* Good vintage -- maybe THIS TIME my lab partner won't tell on me and get me sent to the principal's office. Damn yeah I put frog legs in her purse the next day! You hear that, Meredith? IT WAS ME! I also TP'ed your house and hit your dad with a rock when he was mowing the yard. Oh -- and you remember how when you went off to college someone used to call real late at night and breathe loudly? Guilty as charged! That wasn't me.

Hit the jump for a ton more graphic LEGO action.

Continue Reading " Kermit? Noooooooo!!: LEGO Frog Dissection "

Nov 1 2010 Oh Great: Researchers Breed X-Large Insects

You know, I've been so busy preparing for the robot apocalypse that I might have overlooked the possibility (and severity) of a giant insect apocalypse. Put on your beekeeper's suit and grab a flamethrower, we've got some legs to torch.

As many readers will doubtless be aware, during the late Paleozoic era the Earth was, if not exactly ruled or terrorised, at the least very seriously bothered by swarms of gigantic dragonflies with wingspans around 70cm across. The monster insects will have been all the more troublesome as dragonflies "need to hunt live prey", according to experts.

One such expert is Dr John VandenBrooks, who has after a lengthy struggle managed to breed such much-enlarged dragonflies in his Arizona laboratory. The large size was achieved by enhancing atmospheric oxygen levels to 31 per cent, as seen in the Paleozoic (today's air is only about 20 per cent O2).

The hard bit, according to the prof, was not the creation of this artificially enriched (or "hyperoxic") atmosphere but the actual care and feeding of the monstrous, prehistoric winged flesh-eaters.

"Monstrous, prehistoric winged flesh-eaters," awesome. If it's not a pterodactyl I don't want any part of it. If it is a pterodactyl then I just want the private parts. Now, if we hold two magnifying glasses in front of each other does that make the insect-burning beam stronger? Because I have three of them. And -- AND -- the monocle I stole from a guy dressed as Mr. Peanut last night.

Enormous Paleozoic flesh-eaters created in lab [register]

Thanks to SquidgyB and Mike, who agree any bug larger than a peanut butter and banana sandwich is just too damn big.

*Picture is a model

Nov 1 2010 Unsolved Mysteries: "Time Traveler" Not Carrying Cell Phone, Just Old-Timey Hearing Aid

Remember the Charlie Chaplin film that some nutcase was convinced contained a cell phone-toting time traveler cameo? Turns out the device was likely just an oldschool hearing aid. Seen here looking exactly like something you'd try sticking your penis in even if you won't admit it, ear trumpets were the standard in late 19th/early 20th century aural aids. And, for the record, I said it was a shoe, so I'm taking 1/2 credit. No? 1/4? I'm cool with that.

What Clarke didn't consider was that a simple ear trumpet could still explain it all, said hearing device historians, who provided LiveScience with images of sample ear trumpets for comparison.

"As you can tell from these, old-fashioned mechanical or resonating hearing aids were not necessarily long and rounded," said Philip Skroska, an archivist at the Bernard Becker Medical Library of Washington University in St. Louis. "Short, compact rectangular forms were not unusual."

In other words, they could look something like a cell phone to imaginative YouTube viewers in the 21st century.

"...they could look something like a cell phone to imaginative YouTube viewers"? Um, no. Unimaginitive YouTube viewers might think it looks like a cell phone, imaginative viewers would think the government implanted a mind-control device in the woman's head that tells her to put her hand up to her ear and wet her pants every fifteen minutes. Just sayin', I know people like that.

'Time Traveler' May Just Be Hard of Hearing [livescience]
via
BREAKING NEWS of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Erica, who has 20/20 hearing and agrees your voice sounds like a witch scraping her fingernails down a chalkboard.

Nov 1 2010 Sadness: Pokémon Anime Creator Passes Away

Takeshi Shudo, head writer of the original Pokémon anime series, has passed away. He was 61 years young and friends with tons of little monsters, who will all miss him dearly.

Takeshi Shudo is also credited as the sole writer for the first three Pokemon movies, as well as many novels based on the series.

Over the weekend, Mr Shudo was found to have collapsed at a train station in Nara City and was rushed to hospital. He was pronounced dead soon after, suffering from a subarchnoid hemorrhage.

Shudo worked as cheif writer of many of the Pokemon episodes from 1997 to 2002. He also wrote for 'The Magical Princess Minky Momo".

*Poké-bawling my eyes out* GW tries using Resurrection. It isn't super effective :( Rest in peace you Pokémon patriarch, you.

Pokemon Anime Creator Takeshi Shudo Passes Away Aged 61 [aussiegamer]
and
Picture [marioblade64's deviantart]

Thanks to Staticwolf, Braden and ShadowSushi, who all took the day off work to watch old episodes and eat cereal. It's like a sad Saturday morning.

Nov 1 2010 I Wanna Go!: Vintage Star Wars Travel Posters

Note: This is only six of the eight, and in crappy resolution to boot, hit the jump to see all of them in stunning 450px res!

Steve Thomas is a graphic designer. But not just any graphic designer, oh no -- THE graphic designer responsible for creating these vintage Star Wars travel posters. Not only that, he's cousin to Dave Thomas, founder of Wendy's. Just kidding, but I'd still tell it to the girl working the drive through to see if I could score a free Frostie. Shit, I'd even settle for a chili-finger.

Hit the jump to see them all individually.

Continue Reading " I Wanna Go!: Vintage Star Wars Travel Posters "

Nov 1 2010 Not Just For Christmas Anymore: Housing Light Show Synced To Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'

You know those guys that go overboard with the Christmas lights and sync them all to perform to a song? Yeah, the ones that'll do anything to spend time away from their wives and families during the holidays (the little lights are twinkling, Clark). Well apparently now they're looking for even more ways to hang out in the garage and started setting up light shows for other holidays. Specifically, Halloween (which, fun fact, is actually short for Hallowedween, which was named in honor of my sacred wiener). Per the maker:

2010 Halloween Light Show in HD - Thriller by Michael Jackson ( MJ )

4 singing pumpkin faces, tombstones, hand carved and blow mold pumpkins, strobes, floods and thousands of lights. Light-O-Rama 140 channels. Riverside, CA Enjoy!

Oh snap -- Riverside? You should have told me, that's right down the street! Just kidding, I have absolutely no concept where that is. *Googlemapping* Okay, so it is sort of close. Problem is, I have a hard enough time finding my way to the liquor store and you can see it from my balcony. What? Things get so tricky at street-level!

Hit the jump for the Thrilling in action.

Continue Reading " Not Just For Christmas Anymore: Housing Light Show Synced To Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' "

Nov 1 2010 And What Are You Supposed To Be?: Outerspace's Halloween Costume

This is a picture of outerspace doing its best to look all Halloweeny over the weekend. Unfortunately, it took space a really long time to get into costume, and will probably be wearing the same thing for millions of years to come (don't even think about showing up for Easter looking like that). It's supposed to look be a space demon or something. Personally, I don't see it. Granted I don't see much of anything since my vision is still blurry from yesterday's alcohol poisoning, but still. Mmmm, charcoal. BLAAAAAH!!

Discovered by astronomers at BYU, the above is being called the "Fiery Owl Nebula," a section of all that remains of a massive star that exploded thousands of years ago. It's a gaseous shell of hydrogen, ionized oxygen and sulfur, getting its colors and textures from still-expanding shockwave caused by that star's violent extinction. Meaning that in many ways, it's very much a ghost.

Hoho, a little Halloween tie-in there at the end. I'll allow it. But what I can't allow are people with the nerve to hand out popcorn as Halloween candy. That is neither trick nor treat. It's just wrong is what it is. Same goes for apples. STOP TRYING TO POISON ME, I ONLY EAT PREPACKAGED GOODS OF THE SUGARY VARIETY. "But GW -- what about those buttered popcorn flavored Jelly Bellys?" Thanks for asking, I'd like to answer your question with another one: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F***ING MIND? I'd rather eat gravel.

Space Dresses Up For Halloween, Too [gizmodo]
via
The Space Demon [clatkko]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom, who didn't hand out Halloween candy this year because he ate it all Friday and Saturday. You too?

Nov 1 2010 Red Shirted 'World of Warcraft' Question Asker Gets Immortalized In Game

Remember that kid at Blizzcon that asked the WoW developers what happened to Falstad Wildhammer and made you realize that, no matter how bad life gets, at least you're not him? Well they decided to include Wildhammer Fact Checker in the game, standing right next to the elusive Falstad! Sadly, this is officially the happiest day of guy's life. It's all downhill from here, buddy!

Picture [mmochampion]

Thanks to Owen, who -- Owen't you glad you're not that guy? I know I am.

Nov 1 2010 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Helicopter Ghost Scares Trick-Or-Treaters Off Lawn

Michael Colton (not to be confused with Michael Bolton, who can't dance for shit (so I watch Dancing with the Stars, sue me. Also, I can't believe Audrina got kicked off!!!11) went and built a ghost helicopter to scare the children in his neighborhood because, well, other people's kids are annoying and they deserve it.

He pieced this one together from some off-the-shelf R/C quadrocopter parts mounted to a simple aluminum frame, all held together with zip-ties and covered with an old bedsheet. He calls it Mr. T, and we pity the fool who doesn't watch it in action after the break, staged as the performance might be.

Awesome, I'm building one next year. Except mine's gonna be autonomous and steal children's candy straight from their bags. "Uh, GW? Doesn't that like an autonomous killer robot?" *facepalm* No, stupid. Autonomous killer robots sound like, "BEEP BOOP KILL BOP, BEETY BEETY BEETY."

Hit the jump for a video of unholy floater in action.

Continue Reading " Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Helicopter Ghost Scares Trick-Or-Treaters Off Lawn "