Aug 31 2010 10-Foot Gundam Made Entirely Out Of Those Little Plastic Model Piece Hanger Thingies

Lookin' good, Gundam. Especially considering you were made entirely out of trash. Haha, your parents lied to you! Now kill them.

It took over 250 man-hours to build the RG (Recycle Grade) RX-78-2 Gundam, which measures in at nearly 10-feet tall. Of course, it was built almost entirely from the spare plastic runners and part trees from smaller Gundam model kits.

I can't stand those little plastic hangers. And not just because it requires an X-acto knife to carefully extract the pieces you need, but it does and I've stabbed myself in the crotch more than once. "Uh, GW -- maybe you shouldn't hold the pieces in your lap while you're cutting". OH SURE, EVERYONE'S A MODEL MASTER NOW.

Hit the jump for three more shots of the impressiveness.

Continue Reading " 10-Foot Gundam Made Entirely Out Of Those Little Plastic Model Piece Hanger Thingies "

Aug 31 2010 Diagram Showing The Relationships Of Car Makers To One Another (Looks Incestuous)

Note: Full resolution version available HERE for those of you without HD laser vision. Suckers!

This is a diagram showing the incestuous relationships between the various car manufacturers. I found it pretty eye-opening. For example, did you know Honda is actually a wholly owned subsidiary of a Norwegian car manufacturer? Just kidding, I made that up because all the lines started hurting my eyes. Like when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Which -- anybody seen a grocery bag lying around here? It has a face drawn on one side.

Who Owns Who: An Automaker Family Tree [jalopnik]

Thanks to Chris, who doesn't care who owns who just as long as his tires don't fall off on the highway.

Aug 31 2010 I'm Cool With A Stump: Steampunk Terminator Arm Actually A Real Victorian Prosthetic

When I first saw this thing I assumed it was just some steampunky arm somebody made because they're obsessed with Edward Scissorhands and all around creepy and girls love guys that are creepy (I wanna lick on yo armpits, lady!). Except not really because I have no idea what girls like except flowers and jewelry. They love those things. Everything else is up in the air as far as I know. Anyways, an actual turn-of-the-century prosthetic arm. It's barely noticeable.

Made from steel and brass, this unusual prosthetic arm articulates in a number of ways. The elbow joint can be moved by releasing a spring, whereas the top joint of the wrist allows a degree of rotation and an up-and-down motion. The fingers can also curl up and straighten out. The leather upper arm piece is used to fix the prosthesis to the remaining upper arm. The rather sinister appearance of the hand suggests the wearer may have disguised it with a glove. Among the most common causes of amputation throughout the 1800s were injuries received as a result of warfare.

Yeah I would have just rocked a stump. I mean frightening replacement arms are cool and all, but no they're not either and God forbid you pick your nose or try holding your penis while you're peeing. Dude -- you're pissing blood...
...
...
...is that a piece of your penis in the urinal?

Hit the jump for a couple closeups of the hand.

Continue Reading " I'm Cool With A Stump: Steampunk Terminator Arm Actually A Real Victorian Prosthetic "

Aug 31 2010 Of Course He Won, He Wins Every Year

Yeah well this year's gonna be different. You see, I laced his Gatorade with laxatives. His butt's gonna be running fast enough to win the race itself!

...Dammit, guess who just won for the sixth year in a row? Who cares, I swear I just saw a turd appear out of thin air!

Race Against The Flash: LOSE [obviouswinner]

Aug 31 2010 I, Uh, I Don't Know If That's What Nintendo Had In Mind: Wiimote Sex Toys

It was only a matter of time: add-ons that turn Wiimotes into sex toys. Why? I don't know, but the penis one definitely looks like a robot's pincers. Thanks but no thanks but okay just this once, amirite?!

From the Mojowijo website:

The device is attached to the accessory port on a Nintendo Wii* remote control. The control is then connected to a bluetooth enabled PC running Mojowijo software. Using Mojowijo's patent pending Motion2Vibration technology, the device is able to transform the varying motions of the control into appropriate vibration signals and send them to another selected device - in the same room or over the internet. (Wii gaming console NOT required). Essentially turning your Wii remotes into shared, remote controlled vibrators (aka wii vibrator or wiibrator!)

Now I don't know about you, but there's nothing I find more erotic than knowing the F***ING WIIMOTE ATTACHMENT wrapped around my lifeless wiener is being controlled by a heavyset man hundreds, possibly even thousands of miles away beating his own wiener with a Nintendo controller (in my dreams he's reclined in a La-Z-Boy with a bag of chips resting on his stomach). Now if you'll excuse me, I need to take a cold shower. Well technically I don't need it to be cold, I just never paid the electricity. Who's the thrift king?!

Video explanation of the technology after the jump.

Continue Reading " I, Uh, I Don't Know If That's What Nintendo Had In Mind: Wiimote Sex Toys "

Aug 31 2010 DO WANT: Teenage Mutant Ninja Pepper

Somebody with a lot of imagination is selling a green pepper that looks like a ninja turtle head on eBay. Personally, I think it looks like a hacky-sack.

This is a home grown green bell pepper that, by the hand of God, looks (and maybe tastes) just like one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I think it looks like Michelangelo, this will of course be shipped overnight USPS, bid now its only a three day auction.

It sits right now in a vacuum sealed bag, can be frozen if you like.

First of all, I think it's pretty obvious that's Raphael and not Michelangelo. And secondly, what's all this "can be frozen" business? Are you out of your mind? YOU CAN'T PUT A TURTLE IN THE FREEZER! They're cold blooded. Get it?! Because they always reject my advances!

eBay Auction

Thanks to OneEyedJamie, who lost an eye battling cucumber Shredder.

Aug 31 2010 One Ring Flame To Rule Ruin Them All: Matchstick Minas Tirith Is Completed

Remember Patrick Acton? Of course not, it's a forgettable name. But you may remember the full-scale nowhere near full-scale version of Minas Tirith he was building entirely out of matchsticks. Good lookin', Patrick. Now make one out of hair.

Acton's version of Minas Tirith is one of his biggest and most detailed matchstick models yet, as he has constructed his rendition of the tremendously ancient city that Tolkien says "appears hewn from the rock of Mount Mindolluin" in the White Mountains. Tolkien's fortress city is said to tower 700 feet above the Pelennor Fields in Middle Earth's land of Gondor. Acton's matchstick version of the seven-level city was started in 2007 and took nearly three years when completed in February 2010 [GW's note: woops]. The Minas Tirith model contains hundreds of city buildings and is topped with the Citadel, the Tree of Gondor, and the White Tower of Ecthelion.

Looks amazing, doesn't it? It does. And it'd look even more so on fire. Let's blaze the tree of Gondor up! Say -- you, uh, think it'll get high? Who cares, there's already elves and shit running around! OMG -- I just saw a bearded Oompa Loompa with a battle axe!

Hit the jump for several more unbelievable shots of the city.

Continue Reading " One Ring Flame To Rule Ruin Them All: Matchstick Minas Tirith Is Completed "

Aug 31 2010 My Thirst, You're Not Quenching It: Dry Water

Forgotten for over 40 years, powdered water is back and looks like coke. But don't snort it! Actually, do snort it -- I want to see what happens. More, do more. MORE! Haha, what do you mean, "why is it brown?" Because you've been snorting heroin! I said, "BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN SNORTING HEROIN!" Hey! HEY!
...
*wiping prints*

[It's] known as "dry water" because it consists of 95 percent water and yet is a dry powder. Each powder particle contains a water droplet surrounded by modified silica, the stuff that makes up ordinary beach sand. The silica coating prevents the water droplets from combining and turning back into a liquid. The result is a fine powder that can slurp up gases, which chemically combine with the water molecules to form what chemists term a hydrate.

There's also other potential uses for dry water such as jumpstarting chemical reactions and providing a safer way to transport and store harmful industrial materials.

Silica-wrapped water droplets, amazing. But the question remains: will it be available in individually wrapped, snack-size "DO NOT EAT" packets? I sure hope so! Mmmm, silica gel pouches. One time I got over 20 in my mouth before they kicked me out of the shoe store!

There Is Such Thing As Dry Water [gizmodo]

Aug 30 2010 The Caped Crapkickers: Batman Sneakers

Daniel Reese paints shoes. He might paint other things (i.e. the down red) too, but that's not what I came to talk about today. Today we're only talking about shoes. Specifically, these Batman kicks. Speaking of which -- I bet he does everyday for not banging Cat Woman when he had the chance! And I bet Robin kicks himself for never sneaking a peek at Batman's wiener when they're both peeing in the bat-throom. I know, I know, what I just did there was pretty amazing. Anyway, Daniel has a ton of pre-painted shoes available or will customize any pair you want with any design you want. You can check out some other examples after the jump. What you can't check out after the jump is my ass, because it's broken out right now and I'm really self conscious about it. Damn you, stress!

Hit the jump for a bunch more examples of Daniel's work and another link to his website.

Continue Reading " The Caped Crapkickers: Batman Sneakers "

Aug 30 2010 Cats With Guns: Kitty Playing Duck Hunt

This is a short video of a cat playing Duck Hunt. You can tell he's good because he doesn't hesitate to go right after that annoying f***ing dog. I also love how he keeps waiting for the birds to fly out the top of the monitor. Haha, animals -- so stupid. But seriously, where do they go when they fly offscreen? Please don't say hell, please don't say hell, please don't say hell. "Hell". GAAAH, YOU JUST DID THAT TO HURT ME, DIDN'T YOU?! You're sick.

Hit the jump for some blatant disregard for proper gaming peripherals.

Continue Reading " Cats With Guns: Kitty Playing Duck Hunt "

Aug 30 2010 The Future Is Now!: A Sink/Urinal Combo

This is a conceptual 'Eco Urinal' designed by Yeongwoo Kim. It's a urinal that, after you finish relieving yourself in, you wash your hands above, effectively flushing your liquid gold down the drain. Now I know what you're thinking, and no: IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE SHAT IN.

The dirty sink water is used to flush the urinal, so the treehuggers will like the way it saves water. It also takes up a lot less room than a separate sink and urinal, so they can fit more into a small bathroom reducing the waiting times.

Because the sink is right there, it might also encourage the less hygienically inclined to wash up.

Interesting concept, Yeongwoo, except for one small detail: every sink is already a urinal. Back me up, men! Okay I just only kidding you dirty sink-pissers. What in the....no. No! Nooooooooo! HOW YOU GONNA PISS IN THE SINK AND STILL NOT WASH YOUR HANDS?!

Hit the jump for several more shots of going green (or yellow I guess).

Continue Reading " The Future Is Now!: A Sink/Urinal Combo "

Aug 30 2010 Crayola Chemistry: The Chemicals Of Colors

Etsy seller QueInteresante is selling sticker sets that adhere to Crayola crayons and display the chemical compounds that make up a particular color. Note: the crayons don't actually contain these chemicals, they're just the same color. Well, isn't that food for thought? Get it?! I'll eat the f*** out of some crayons!

Children play and draw with crayons practically every day, so why not make the experience more educational? This listing is for a set of 48 Crayola crayons with labels so that while children are coloring, they are also exposed to the names of chemicals that will make those colors! So instead of thinking "I want green" they will think "I want Barium Nitrate Ba(NO3)2 Flame" and then when they take chemistry in high school and their teacher sets some gas on fire and it makes a green color and they ask the class what chemical it was your student will know it was Barium! Genius!

That's right folks, your student will know it was Barium. Ooooor be next door in the biology lab huffing formaldehyde. *sniiiiiiiiiiiiiff* What? I'm preservin' my brain, yo!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

Continue Reading " Crayola Chemistry: The Chemicals Of Colors "

Aug 30 2010 Not Cool: Frightening Robot Demonstration

This is a short video demonstrating Vecna Robotics' B.E.A.R. (Battlefield Extraction-Assist Robot). It was allegedly designed to help carry wounded soldiers off the battlefield, but the video also shows its skill at smashing through doors, breaking car windows, lifting weights, picking up missiles and -- AND -- transforming/rolling out. Truly frightening. Reminds me of that scene in Forrest Gump where Lieutenant Dan gets his legs shot off in Vietnam and tells Forrest to leave him but Forrest won't because he's a stupid jerk and can't even respect a man's last wishes. THANKS A LOT, SIMPLETON. I'm so mad right now I could pack dat ass full of your own cocktail shrimp.

Hit the jump for a video of operation Shock 'n Awe Dismember in action (also available in HD!).

Continue Reading " Not Cool: Frightening Robot Demonstration "

Aug 30 2010 A Brief (Illustrated) History Of Marvel Comics

Note: I had to cut the graphic so ti wouldn't spill out of your monitor and onto your keyboard. Click HERE to see the whole thing.

This is a brief history of Marvel comics in the style of an informational graphic. It's only appropriate that the history is illustrated because -- and I don't know if you knew this or not -- but Marvel actually produces comic books. So like, there are pictures in those too. But that's not what's important, what's important is that Marvel used to own the rights to the word zombie. ZOMG! Could you even imagine owning the rights to a gem like zombie?! You'd be like a gazillionaire. Unfortunately Marvel doesn't anymore, which is why they got bought by Disney.

Marvel Universe [onlineschools]
via
The History of Marvel Comics [kokugamer]

Thanks to Fisher, who knows the history of Geekologie is even more badass and involves battle-axes and manly shit like that.

Aug 30 2010 Homer's Completely NSFW Doppelganger

Note: Jump is very NSFW and very NOT UNSEEABLE.

Textbook definition of cannot be unseen. You have been warned. "Honey, look -- it's Homer!" "Oh my God that's amazing! The only thing that could possibly make it any better is if it wasn't my wife doing it. I think we should see other people."

Hit the jump for the very NSFW version (SPOILER: boobie eyes!).

Continue Reading " Homer's Completely NSFW Doppelganger "

Aug 30 2010 Not Cool: Robot Sex In New Fallout Game

Apparently the lastest game in the Fallout franchise (Fallout: New Vegas) will feature some steamy oily robotic sex, according to its recent ESRB rating. And I'm not talking about two robots banging FYI. I'm talking about man laying with machine. *shivers* Per official ESRB rating:

During the course of the game, players will encounter male and female prostitutes: the screen fades to black as suggestive dialogue is heard in the background (e.g., "Nice charlies, too! Give them a shake for the Ben-man, will ya?"); there is also an extended sequence suggesting (no depiction) sexual activity with a robot (e.g., "Fisto reporting for duty . . . Please assume the position," "I suppose I should test you out . . . Servos active!" and "Something wrong with someone if they got to f*** a machine.")

Truer words have never been spoken. There is at least 200% something wrong with anyone who'll have sex with a machine. Now having sex like a machine, that's totally different. Just sayin', I make love like a washer with a brick in it Thomas the Tank Engine. Ladies? Hobos?

Fallout: New Vegas is progressing robot/human 'relations' [joystiq]

Thanks to Matt and Robofetus-5000, who agree violent video games are the only thing keeping a lot of people from flying off the handle.

Aug 27 2010 Wait, An Actual Useful Infographic? Get Out!

Note: This is only a small portion of the useful info, click HERE to see the whole life-changing thing.

Finally, an infographic that might actually change my life. Granted it won't, but still, it could. I mean, if I weren't such a deadbeat. How about number one there, the hanger idea -- that's pretty good, right? Well it would be if all my clothes weren't in a pile on the bathroom floor. I call it my nest, and it's where I sleep at night. Bathmat pillow aside, don't you dare judge me. I don't judge you, do I? Yes, I do actually, I'm very judgey. Anyway, read the graphic, learn some shit, then get out there and get life hacking! But a word of warning: don't go overboard, bricking = certain death.

35 Life Hacks You Should Know - Infographic [theirtoys]

Thanks to JustGil, CONOR and Ralph, who are so good at hacking their lives the government asked them to explain how they did it. You know what they said? Uh-uh -- no way Jose.

Aug 27 2010 Tell Me They're Talking Mice: South Wales Drops $290,000 On Overhead Mouse Bridges

South Wales has built three mesh bridges to help protect the threatened dormouse (save it for the titmouse, God!) from being mushed by passing cars. Now listen: I'm all for the protection of animals from human expansion, but $300K? I'm pretty sure we could have come up with something cheaper. Namely, a mouse monorail. What? Of course I stole the idea from Disney World!

They believe the interconnecting passages, which are suspended from 20ft wooden poles, will keep mice away from traffic when the full £90million Church Village bypass between Pontypridd and Talbot Green opens next month.

But critics have said the cost of the project is 'obscene' and have accused the council of getting its priorities wrong.

Fiona McEvoy, from the TaxPayers' Alliance, said: 'They may have good intentions but this bill is unjustifiably large and in these straitened times they should have explored less expensive ways of protecting these creatures.'

$300,000 for three crappy bridges? Some contractor just laughed his gold-plated pants all the way to the bank. Just sayin', my apartment complex has nicer playground equipment and I guarantee they didn't spend over $2,000. Shit, for $300K I could have build every mouse in the country it's own f***ing jetpack. West? Pfft, Fievel's headed to the f***ing moon!

What a waste! Taxpayers foot £190,000 bill as bridge opens over busy bypass... for DORMICE [dailymail]
via
Image of the Day: $290,000 bridges built just for mice [dvice]

Aug 27 2010 OMG, Rosie -- Is That You?!: Pleasure-Bot Moonlighting As Iffy Sock-Matching Robot

This is a video of a robot that's been programmed to match socks. And by match socks I obviously mean play with a man's dingus. If you don't believe me, just watch the video. Then try to tell me you didn't just witness the ol' two-handed tug OF PENILE DESTRUCTION. *wiener scrambling to burrow between buttcheeks for safety*

Footage of some preliminary results obtained at UC Berkeley which were compiled for Willow Garage's One-Minute PR2 Quick Start Video Contest. The PR2 is presented with two socks. It then classifies each sock as either "inside" or "outside" and flips accordingly. Once both socks are in the proper orientation, it pairs them.

Now I know what some of you are thinking, "pfft, I'd still do it." And of course you would, you probably get so little action you'd actually risk getting your twinkie torn off by a bate-bot for a single sexual experience. And that, my friends, is sad. Me? I wouldn't come near this thing! Get it? Naughty pun!

Must see pleasure-bot video after the jump.

Continue Reading " OMG, Rosie -- Is That You?!: Pleasure-Bot Moonlighting As Iffy Sock-Matching Robot "

Aug 27 2010 DEFCON 1! -- We Have A Situation!: Robotic Death-Chopper Goes Rogue Over DC

Seen here practicing its pews, an unmanned robotic death & destruction copter went rogue while flying around Washington DC. I suspect it was coming to my old apartment. Thank God I never forwarded my mail!

A software error, combined with an unfortunate user action, led to a US military robot helicopter - developed from a manned version and capable of carrying a fearsome arsenal of weapons - straying into restricted airspace near Washington DC, according to reports.

Losses of communications between unmanned aircraft and ground operators are a routine event, but seldom have serious consequences. Robot planes and choppers lacking instructions from their human masters will normally circle where they are when comms go down, and control is almost always restored shortly thereafter...

The difference here is that the MQ-8 failed to follow its built-in failure protocol, instead continuing on course. Unmanned aircraft are generally restricted to operations in special military-controlled airspace and are forbidden to enter areas governed by normal civil rules.

Did you read that? It failed to follow its built-in failure protocol. Try to explain that, robot-apocalypse naysayers! It's coming. And when it does, oh boy, when it does. I'm gonna shit bricks! Hopefully gold ones.

ROBOT KILL-CHOPPER GOES ROGUE above Washington DC! [theregister] (who may or may not have learned they know about headline writing from yours truly)

Thanks to Tracy, spotisfocus, Mikey D., alan, Tareek, Chris, Mesnard, Matt and APOCALYPSE PAUL, who would have shot that beast out of the sky and made a laptop out of its guts. You, uh, sure that's safe?

Aug 27 2010 Oh -- Do The Hoverboard Next!: Nike Patents Auto-Lacing Back To The Future II Shoes

Hoho, looks like this person already beat you to it, Nike. You're too slow on the draw. Also, the kick. Foot joke! Uh-oh, here comes another:

Middle Toe: Where the hell have you been? We've been worried sick!
Big Toe: At the market, dummy. Oooooh -- is that roast beef?!

Patent filings which occurred in early through late 2009 show off an automatic lacing system that is pretty reminiscent of Marty McFly's invention in Back to the Future, and we can tell you that from the looks of it, it's a future we'd definitely like to inhabit. The shoes appear to boast a charging system and lights in addition to the lacing component, and while so few patent apps ever lead to a real retail product, we're really rooting for this one.

Listen, I'm just as excited about the future as the next guy building an apocalyptic-bunker in his backyard, but do we really need auto-lacing shoes? I mean, you're still gonna have to put them on by hand. Just sayin', auto-lacing Nike's are about as advanced as Velcro (but infinitely more likely to break, be manufactured in a sweatshop, and cost over $150). Air GW's FTW! Damn yeah the soles leave marks on everything!

Another shot after the jump, in case you're into patent diagrams.

Continue Reading " Oh -- Do The Hoverboard Next!: Nike Patents Auto-Lacing Back To The Future II Shoes "

Aug 27 2010 Yes For Real: Fake Eyelashes For Your Car

Carlashes are eyelashes for your car (to compliment the thong). They're $25/pair (plus an extra $20 if you want crystal-stud "eyeliner"), and aimed at the women who already have enough trouble driving without constantly wondering if everybody is noticing how cute their car looks. Completely unacceptable. That said, somebody's about to have the prettiest Explorer in Los Angeles!

Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures in case you're actually wondering if Carlashes are right for you (no, they're not).

Continue Reading " Yes For Real: Fake Eyelashes For Your Car "

Aug 27 2010 Move Over, Paula Deen!: Deep-Fried Beer

That's right folks, deep-fried beer pockets. Finally, a reason to live again!

Ever since the inauguration five years ago of the Big Tex Choice Awards at the Texas State Fair, food vendors have been deep-frying the impossible in their pursuit of the Most Creative and Best Taste awards.

As the Dallas Morning News reports, the Fried Beer was the result of a painful process of trial and error for creator Mark Zamble. His initial efforts kept exploding once they hit the fryer, and he kept getting burned. Zamble has already applied for a patent and trademark for Fried Beer, which appears to be a pocket of pretzel dough filled with its signature beverage.

My God that sounds delicious. Scalding hot beer and fried pretzel dough all in one bite? It's like I won the culinary lottery. Quick Robin -- to the Fry-Daddy! And put some f***ing pants on, I'm not driving your ass to the ER in the Batmobile if you burn your wiener again. What? I've been drinking!

Fried Beer Comes to the Texas State Fair [slashfood]
and
State Fair Food: Deep-Fried Beer [abcnews]

Thanks to jediGK and Lucy, who tried deep frying a bottle of Cuervo with disastrous results. Hmm, are you sure the oil was up to temperature?

Aug 27 2010 Man Attempts Gas Theft From Church Van, Sets Himself, Van Ablaze

Some moron decided it would be a good idea to attempt stealing holy gas from a church van. Only problem is, Jesus wasn't having it. BURN HEATHEN, BUUUUURN!

Blake King, 24, was reported in stable condition Wednesday in Vanderbilt University Hospital's Burn Center.

Evansville police report King was burned as he was using a cordless drill to drill into the gas tank of a 2001 Chevrolet van on the lot of Abundant Faith Church, 1228 Lodge Ave. Something sparked, according to the police report, catching the van on fire and burning King.

The fire leaves the church without one of its two vans, which was supposed to help transport youth members to St. Louis this weekend.

Officers arrived and found King, who told them he was burned when he stopped at 1228 Lodge Ave. to help another man who was on fire.

Firefighters and fire investigators found a cordless drill next to the van.

LOLWUT -- cordless drilling a gas tank?!?! Let's say you somehow managed to not set your dumbass on fire, what were you gonna do when the gas started flowing? Catch it in your mouth and spit it into a bucket? Okay that's actually pretty good.

Police: Man caught self on fire trying to steal gas from church van [courierpress]

Thanks to Dakota, who tried electric drilling a dairy truck once and ended up with nothing but a milk mustache. I'm not gonna lie, you look handsome.

Aug 26 2010 LAAAASER VIIIIIISION!: The Sci-Fi Eye Chart

Note: Much larger version HERE in case you're actually an optometrist and want to print it out and use it.

This is a sci-fi eye chart. WTF's a sci-fi eye chart? I'm glad you asked, because now I have the perfect opportunity to try out this new copy/paste feature my teacher just told us about. I'm taking evening classes to learn computer!

Part optometrist's chart, part geek quiz and part typography nerd poster, this Sci-fi Eye Test features 36 letters pulled from the logos of games, comics and movie titles.

Not to brag or anything, but I identified all of them. I'm talking EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Plus the background. Hoth, amirite?!

Sci-Fi Eye Test [bite]

Thanks to Erin and pinkman, who have better than perfect vision thanks to laser retinas.

Aug 26 2010 I Like Turtles!: Memes, The Infographic

Note: This is a long one. Full-length graphic HERE.

Did you know meme rhymes with dream? I did not. I always thought it was pronounced yo momma! Hoho -- she's so fat she jumped and got stuck! Just kidding, I like your parents. Unless you don't like one or both of them, in which case neither do I. We're a team, remember? We stick together. Except not now because I'm going to the bathroom. No, like sit-down bathroom. Yes, if I was just peeing we could still hold hands.

A Guide To Internet Memes [onlineuniversity]

Thanks to wingding80 and Stephen, who both attended online universities and agree the education was top-notch but the keggers were always sausage parties.

Aug 26 2010 That, Uh, That's The Worst Logo You Could Have Possibly Come Up With. Like, EVER

Not cool, Field Center for Children's Policy, Practice & Research, not cool.
GRAPHIC DESIGN IS TOO GRAPHIC.

The Most Unfortunate Logo Ever [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Kristen, who agrees there's a time and place for clip art, and this is it.

Aug 26 2010 The Story Of My Life In Zelda T-Shirt Form

This is a t-shirt designed by BattleTankBob that's up for voting with the hope that Threadless will actually print them. Which, if they did, I'd probably buy. And not just because I really hope it comes with that fake mustache, but I am considering moonlighting as a private eye. And by private eye I obviously mean peeping tom. I see you!

No-Life Meter [threadless]

Thanks to Bob, who -- oh shit, the BattleTank himself?! I want a ride!

Aug 26 2010 The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Folgers Caffeinated Marshmallows In Your Cup

I slang slogans like weight, son! Ooor like a bowling ball in a pillow case. GW Wrecking Services: I'll f*** your walls all up. Just sayin' ad agencies, I am an independent contractor. Anyway, $20 Stay Puft Caffeinated Gourmet Marshmallows from ThinkGeek.

• Delicious gourmet marshmallows.
• Licensed Ghostbusters product.
• Box is rubbery with a marshmallow feel, for fun after you eat all the mallows.
• 16 square-ish mallows per box.
• Caffeine Content: A bit over 100mg per piece!

Stay Puft Caffeinated Marshmallows: they'll put the march back in your mellow. BOOM -- you're money in the bank, GW!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a link to the product page.

Continue Reading " The Best Part Of Waking Up Is Folgers Caffeinated Marshmallows In Your Cup "

Aug 26 2010 Are You Sure? I Don't See It: Dinosaur Cloud

This is allegedly a cloud shaped like a dinosaur. Personally, I don't see it. What I do see is Kermit about to eat a penis. Which is erotic in it's own amphibious puppetry way, just not dino hot. *clears throat* Moving on.

Dinosaur-Shaped Cloud? Photo of the Day [blisstree]

Thanks to dealmaker7883, who agrees I should probably still rent a hot-air balloon and go investigate. You know, just to be on the safe side.

Aug 26 2010 Oh Hai Samus!: Sweet Live-Action Metroid Ad

This is an awesome live-action commercial for Metroid: Other M, which is dropping next week on the Wii. What's the other M? MOTHERBRAIN! Or maybe just mother. Or -- OR -- Moosetracks ice cream. Yes I just crushed a whole gallon and have the feeling it's gonna be a soupy stool day aside, great job with the commercial, guys. Also, I hope you know I was only kidding about the whole ice cream thing. It was Rocky Road.

Hit the jump for the must-see commercial, as well as two other worthwhile videos of Samus telling her backstory (with lots of old gameplay footage).

Continue Reading " Oh Hai Samus!: Sweet Live-Action Metroid Ad "

Aug 26 2010 Man Shot In Head, Finds Out 5-Years Later

A Polish man was shot in the head on New Year's Eve 2005 and only recently discovered the bullet and had it removed. *no Polish jokes, no Polish jokes, no Polish jokes* HARD...TO...RESIST.

Robert Chojecki was partying on New Years Eve five years ago in the German town of Herne when he was hit with the .22-caliber bullet. Doctors removed it this week from between his skin and skull.

The Polish-born Chojecki told RTL television Wednesday he thought he'd been hit by fireworks, but later forgot about it.

He said at first he had "no pain, but approximately one year ago I started to get a headache."

Dude -- at one point there had to have been a bleeding hole in the back of your head, I'm just sayin'. That's something most people don't forget about. You, uh, you're a drinker, aren't you? BOOM -- everybody to the Mystery Machine, this case is closed.

Polish Man Shot In Head Thought He Had Been Hit By Fireworks [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to Phil and Argh, who have both been shot before and screamed and cried until the bullets were removed like normal damn people.

Aug 25 2010 Give It To Me Straight, How Many To Keep The Doctor Away?: Apple, By The Numbers

Note: This is only a small, unreadable portion of the infographic, click HERE to see the whole thing in stunning 3-D. Fine, FINE -- 2-D.

This is an infographic all about Apple. I thought it was pretty interesting. And by pretty interesting I mean I would have been just as excited if it were about the fruit. Mmmm, love those things with a little peanut butter. Pears too! Anyway, I didn't even have to look at the financials (and I probably never will) to know I want a piece of that. A piece of that pie. That Apple pie. See what I did there? "Shamed yourself?" Exactly.

Apple By Numbers [techi]

Thanks to Brettmucker, who knows four apples a day will not only keep the doctor away, they'll help attract horses.

Aug 25 2010 See? They Looooove Pollution: Underwater Ecosytem Surrounds Discarded Rice Cooker

This is a video of a rice cooker that sits 1256 meters (~3/4 mile) below sea level off the coast of British Columbia (you thought we wouldn't find out, didn't you, littering Chinese restaurant?!). As you can see, a crab stands guard on top. But what's inside? Treasure? Davy Jones? Sticky rice? You're gonna have to watch to find out! Ooooor just keep reading. An octopus.

Hit the jump to watch the video of a robotic arm removing the top and undoubtedly destroying a delicate ecosystem (typical!).

Continue Reading " See? They Looooove Pollution: Underwater Ecosytem Surrounds Discarded Rice Cooker "

Aug 25 2010 I Spy Geekologie!: The Interweb Represented By Websites' Icons According To Popularity

Note: Highest-res version available HERE.

This is a picture of the internet as represented by the icons of the most visited websites, with each icon's size depending on how popular the particular site is (specifically, the site's reach). For example, Geekologie's icon is 208 x 208 pixels. SMALL ICON IS TOO SMALL.

A large-scale scan of the top million web sites (per Alexa traffic data) was performed in early 2010 using the Nmap Security Scanner and its scripting engine.

We retrieved each site's icon by first parsing the HTML for a link tag and then falling back to /favicon.ico if that failed. 328,427 unique icons were collected, of which 288,945 were proper images. The remaining 39,482 were error strings and other non-image files. Our original goal was just to improve our http-favicon.nse script, but we had enough fun browsing so many icons that we used them to create the visualization below.

The area of each icon is proportional to the sum of the reach of all sites using that icon. When both a bare domain name and its "www." counterpart used the same icon, only one of them was counted. The smallest icons--those corresponding to sites with approximately 0.0001% reach--are scaled to 16x16 pixels. The largest icon (Google) is 11,936 x 11,936 pixels, and the whole diagram is 37,440 x 37,440

The folks that created the graphic actually have a pannable/zoomable version of the entire thing, along with a search engine that locates your favorite sites for you, so be sure to check it out after hitting the jump to see a zoom-in of Geekologie. Then go out and spread the good word of the GW so next year Geekologie's at least 209 x 209 pixels. Movin' up, baby -- all the way to #1. Look out, Goggle!

Hit the jump for Geekologie's headshot and a link to peruse the site yourself.

Continue Reading " I Spy Geekologie!: The Interweb Represented By Websites' Icons According To Popularity "

Aug 25 2010 Toto, I Don't Think We're In Kansas Anymore I'm Pretty Sure We're In Hell: Fire Tornadoes

Earth, wind and fire tornadoes. This is what the apocalypse looks like. "Oh really? Then where are all the make-believe killer robots you're always crying about, GW?" Above, you dumbass!

A 'fire tornado' has been caught on camera in the Brazilian municipality of Aracatuba, caused by strong, dry winds that fanned wildfires.

A whirlwind of flames spiralling several metres high danced across fields, bringing traffic to a halt on a nearby road, before it disappeared.

The phenomenon followed weeks of drought which have sparked brush fires across the country.

I mean fire tornadoes seem pretty cool and all, but you know what would be even cooler? Fire taquitos. BOOM -- an hour later I'm making my own fire tornadoes to battle Poseidon's toilet-bowl whirlpools. Who will win? Not whoever has to use the bathroom next, that's for sure! Because they're definitely losing. Brain cells, motor skills, you name it.

Hit the jump for a short video of the apocalypse in action.

Continue Reading " Toto, I Don't Think We're In Kansas Anymore I'm Pretty Sure We're In Hell: Fire Tornadoes "

Aug 25 2010 Now That's A Niche Market: Zombie Dildos

WARNING: NSFW uncensored shot after the jump cannot be unseen I don't care how much you drink (I'm already past a gallon and can still see them when I close my eyes).

Zombi Art Dildos from Necronomicox (terrifying name BTW) are exactly what they sound like: fake zombie wieners. Each $195 rotting schlong is meticulously crafted and hand-painted to your sick-ass specifications.

This hand crafted and body safe (7-inch) silicone dildo is more detailed than any dildo you have ever seen before. The artists not only have sculpted an insane monstrosity for you from the influence of some of your favorite horror classics... but they also hand paint each dildo to give it personality, and gruesome reality. It is a labor of love to make these phalo-horrors, so they're not cheap. But they are, in 2 words, perfectly horrific.

Oh hell to the no! Listen guys: if you ever end up going home with a girl (unlikely, I know) and happen to see this thing poking its undead head out of her nightstand I want you to dive, DO NOT CRAWL, out the nearest window. Trust me: broken bones are nothing compared to what she was gonna do to you.

Follow the link if you've ever considered blindness as a lifestyle choice.

Product Site [NSFW]
via
Finally! Dildos for people with a zombie fetish. [albotas]

Aug 25 2010 Do Want: Official Bear Grylls Survival Knife

I'm gonna stab a Bear! Get it? Cause dude's nickname is Bear. From now on I'm going by Dragonlord aside, this is the official Bear Grylls Survival Series Ultimate Knife by Gerber ($60). I want one. Because, let's face it, there are two kinds of guys in this world: Sissy-boys, and the manly-ass kind that'll drink the shit-juice they just squeezed out of an elephant turd. I strive to be the latter, which is why I've started sifting the cat's litterbox for moist ones. Oh -- think I found a winner! *crunch* False alarm.

Amazon Product Site (shipping November 1st)
via
Bear Grylls Survival Knife [gizmdoo]

Thanks to Ashley, who puked when she saw the hairball in my mouth.

Aug 25 2010 I'll Shank Ya!: 'Excruciating' Pain Laser Ray Gun Used To Keep Prison Inmates In Check

When there's something strange someone getting stabbed in your neighborhood prisonyard, who you gonna call? Ghostbusters. The Excruciating Pain Laser Ray-Gun. Hoho, look at those perps burn!

An advanced laser weapon that feels like a painful blast of hot air is to be used in a US prison to break up fights for the first time.

The Assault Intervention Device fires a focused beam of energy at the target which authorities hope will stop prisoners fighting as they scramble to get out of the way.

The device is controlled by a joystick and computer monitor and emits a beam up to 100 feet. The wave travels at the speed of light and penetrates the skin up to 1/64 of an inch.

'I equate it to opening an oven door and feeling that blast of hot air, except instead of being all over me, it's more focused...'

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you answered, "disguise a laser pain-ray as a DIRECTV dish and blast the f*** out of everyone that runs by the house," you are! Quick -- jogger at 11 o'clock! *pew pew* BWAHAHAHAHA -- they ran into traffic! *CRASH!* Close the blinds.

Hit the jump for a relatively crappy news report in which one old guy takes a blast to the ticker.

Continue Reading " I'll Shank Ya!: 'Excruciating' Pain Laser Ray Gun Used To Keep Prison Inmates In Check "

Aug 25 2010 Portland Bike Lane Gets Mario Kart Treatment

Some unknown Mario Kart lover went and spraypainted symbols from the game in one of Portland's bike lanes. Why? Cause that shit's poppin', son! Almost makes me want to get a bicycle. Ooooor just drive my car in the bike lane. Look out Lance, daddy's got a blue shell!

Hit the jump for a short news report.

Continue Reading " Portland Bike Lane Gets Mario Kart Treatment "

Aug 25 2010 So Hot Right Now: 'Chewbacca Pink' Tops

Note: Higher-res screen shot I took myself HERE.

This is a really pretty blouse (Is it a blouse? I have no idea) from JC Penney that has a 'Chewbacca Pink' color option. If you don't believe me you can go to JC Penney yourself HERE or just take my word before because I'm trustworthy and would never steer you wrong. Steer you off a bridge and jump out at the last possible moment sure, but not wrong. Anyway, Chewbacca pink: it's slimming.

JC Penney Product Site
via
Color Me Baffled of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to emerica, who God blesses. Me? I just get spited.

Aug 24 2010 Camper For One, Please: Bufalino Concept

The Bufalino, designed by Cornelius Comanns (great name) is a little three-wheeled camper made for a single person. Or two if you like things cozy. Like, really cozy. I'm talking privates touching cozy (the best kind).

the minimalist construction is based on the existing piaggio APE 50 three wheeled light transport vehicle; a model chosen for its economic and fuel efficient benefits.

'my aim was to give people a better understanding of the country, the surrounding, and the range they have travelled. the travelling vehicle is always with you like some kind of a base camp, while also being used for moving on in an easygoing and spontaneous way.

'bufalino' encourages users to explore the surrounding off beaten tracks. meanwhile the furnished interior consisting of a bed, two seating units, a cooking zone, a basin, storage space, a water tank and a refrigerator offers the comforts of a home.

Call me crazy, but I actually want one. I've always wanted to get behind the wheel and see this great country of ours. Ooooor get drunk and have a 'Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives' marathon. What? Baby steps, yo!

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more pictures of the last thing you'll ever camp in before being mauled by a wolf/bear/mountain lion (maybe I've been playing too much RDR).

Continue Reading " Camper For One, Please: Bufalino Concept "

Aug 24 2010 How To: Catch A Ton Of Pigeons. Or, Why Is There So Much Bird $#!7 Right Here?

If you haven't seen this yet it's a video of some folks that were hired by the city of Barcelona to help remove pigeons from the city and thus reduce the flying rat's fecal impact on buildings and landmarks. And this is how they do it: with some sort of magic net-gun, possibly similar to this thing. Whatever it is, one thing's for certain: Spiderman seriously blew his chance to make a little extra pocket-money. Didn't you? DIDN'T YOU, PETER PARKER?! *SCREEEECH!* Haha, is, uh, is this thing on?

Hit it for a very short video of the other other grayish-white meat.

Continue Reading " How To: Catch A Ton Of Pigeons. Or, Why Is There So Much Bird $#!7 Right Here? "

Aug 24 2010 Are Those CPU's In Your Bed Or Are You Just Happy Your Robotic Love Doll Exploded?

This is some Russian man's giant CPU collection laid out on the bed he pretends to have sex in. Great job, guy. I collect baby teeth bottle caps!

Largest private collection of CPUs has been discovered upon one Russian guy has posted a message on a forum. His message says "here is my humble collection for you" and then listed something more than one thousand of different types of computer processors he collected. There are ones from the old times and as well as modern ones, the lost and seemed never coming back relics of Soviet Russian genuine processors that preceded Intel world dominance and many other interesting findings he had.

Damn, that's one tough looking geek. I love his pose, it's like he's whispering, "Which one of you ladies can I make queen of my central processing kingdom? Any takers? I don't know if you saw, but I also have a canister vac."

Hit the jump for several more shots of the "in Soviet Russia, C processes U".*swish*

Continue Reading " Are Those CPU's In Your Bed Or Are You Just Happy Your Robotic Love Doll Exploded? "

Aug 24 2010 Reduce, Reuse, Repurpose?: Ink Cartridge Art

Faith Pearson is an artist. An artist who made a bunch of little sci-fi scenes out of used ink cartridges. Now I know what you're wondering, "but why?" Good question, but why do people do anything? To get laid. For fame and fortune. I have no idea. Seriously, I wouldn't have even got out of bed this morning if it weren't on fire.

Hit the jump for four more. Not three, not five, four.

Continue Reading " Reduce, Reuse, Repurpose?: Ink Cartridge Art "

Aug 24 2010 Graph Depicting When Firefox's 'Private Mode' Is Activated. Alternatively, When Do Guys Play With Themselves?

Ever wonder what time of the day people opt for "private" internet browsing? Well wonder no more thanks to these graphs depicting what times and for how long Firefox users lurk for pr0n in private mode. Me? Nonstop.

The Mozilla Firefox metrics blog just published detailed data about what times of the day Firefox users switch over to private browsing mode (a.k.a. porn mode) and for how long. The results probably won't surprise you.

They identified four daily spikes in usage.

The first is around lunchtime, then there's another right after people get home from work around 5:00 PM. Then there's a spike around 10:00 PM and a final, smaller one a couple hours after midnight.

"Haha, you dirty little wankers!" aside, I'm a firm believer in not doing anything online you wouldn't feel comfortable doing on a library computer in front of everyone. Which -- you'd still masturbate, wouldn't you? Same.

Hit the jump for the graph depicting how long people typically spend in private mode.

Continue Reading " Graph Depicting When Firefox's 'Private Mode' Is Activated. Alternatively, When Do Guys Play With Themselves? "

Aug 24 2010 Deadly Deliciousness: Ninjabread Cookies

Ninjabread Men are ninja-shaped cookie cutters from Fred & Friends so you can stage little cookie fights in your highchair while mommy fixes dinner. Just don't knock over your sippy cup!

These stealthy warriors are set to sneak into your kitchen and stage a cookie coup! Cut, bake, decorate...and then watch them disappear! Ninjabread Men are molded from rugged, food-safe ABS plastic and packaged in a colorful giftbox.

True story: one time I was baking a batch of ninja cookies when the buzzer went off I opened the oven door and *POOF!* they had already disappeared. Haha, what do you mean you could you tell I was lying? It was the me baking part, wasn't it? I'VE WAKED AND BAKED BEFORE.

Perpetual Kid Product Site

Thanks to Keith, who's had ninja cookies before and claimed one tried to stab him in the throat. I believe it, they threw raisins at me once.

Aug 24 2010 GAH, SO MAD: Woman Puts Kitty In Trashcan

This is closed circuit security footage of some evil-ass witch petting a kitten named Lola on the sidewalk before dropping the cat in a trashcan and scurrying off like the piece of shit that she is. Allegedly Lola (who's back home safe) spent 16 hours in the bin before being found by her owners, who then reviewed the security footage and discovered what happened. On the up side, the woman responsible has been identified and, hopefully soon, tortured and killed.

The grey-haired suspect was tracked down after she was caught on CCTV by the cat's owners, Daryll and Stephanie Mann, at their Coventry home.

Sky's Lisa Dowd said the woman was offered police protection because of the "level of vitriol against her".

She said residents in Coventry were extremely angry, and death threats had been made against the woman on the internet.

"West Midlands Police are taking her safety extremely seriously," she said.

You dun goofed, lady. Consequences will never be the same. Now I hate to always show off my future-predicting skills, but my guess is you're gonna have to move. Like, from underneath a car. Get it? I can see you in my rearview.

Hit the jump for the disturbing video.

Continue Reading " GAH, SO MAD: Woman Puts Kitty In Trashcan "

Aug 24 2010 Bring. It. Back! Bring. It. Back!: Toaster Bacon

Bacon that cooks in a toaster: genius. Bacon that cooks in a trashcan: gross. But all in all still a pretty good idea.

Reddi-Bacon (1964) was precooked and there was very little extra fat involved when the foil packets were heated. However, there was occasional slight leaking from torn or damaged foil packages, and that undoubtably caused some smoking and ruined toasters. The problems with the packaging was vexing enough to the company that Reddi-Bacon never really made it out of test markets before the product was pulled from the market.

Wait a minute -- if it's already precooked you don't even have to toast it. Just tear open the foil and dig in! You know, maybe the world wasn't "reddi" for toaster bacon in 1964, but we sure are now! Also, flying cars and a real Jurassic Park.

Strange Products from the Past [davescupboard]

Thanks to Shenanigans and MalfunctionX, who both question why this isn't still around. Two words, guys: Pop-Tart conspiracy.

Aug 23 2010 Flamethrower + Trombone = Flamebone?

This is a video of some guy about to set his parents' living room ablaze with his homemade flamethrowing trombone (don't be jealous, Lady GaGa!). And yes, from now on he will be known as the flameboner. Also, the guy in the marching band that set all the baton twirlers on fire at homecoming. GO COUGARS!

Hit the jump for the worthwhile (and short) video.

Continue Reading " Flamethrower + Trombone = Flamebone? "

Aug 23 2010 Black Hole Sun, Won't You Come, And Wash Away The -- BOOOOOOM!! Yep, That Did It

This is a picture of a super-massive black hole erupting and spewing all kinds of outerspace shit everywhere. How massive is super-massive? Try six billion times bigger than our sun. I told you that dim bastard was a runt!

This is a composite of two images, one taken in radio wavelengths by the Very Large Array (in red) and the other in X-rays by the orbiting Chandra Observatory (in blue). The X-rays are being emitted by gas blasting away from the black hole, heated up by the disk and the magnetic fields affiliated with the hole itself. The radio waves are from gas that previously existed outside and farther away from the black hole, which is being slammed into, stirred up, and swept away by the outflowing gas.

Well I don't know about you, but I'll definitely be sleeping well tonight finally knowing what a super-massive blackhole erupting looks like. Now I know what you're wondering, "but GW, what about a smaller, less massive blackhole -- what does one of those erupting look like?" And the answer to that, my friend, is BOO! Now quick -- peep your drawls!

Black hole erupts in nearby galaxy [badastronomy]
via
This is what an erupting supermassive black hole looks like [dvice]

Aug 23 2010 Heart Attack!: Ray Bradbury Watching That Girl's 'F*** Me, Ray Bradbury' Music Video

Remember last week's chart-topping 'F*** Me, Ray Bradbury' music video by Rachel Bloom? Well this is a picture of the man himself (who turned 90 yesterday and allegedly hates the interwebs) watching it. As you can see, it looks like he's having a heart attack. Ooor a bowel movement. I told you only one pudding, Ray!

Ray Bradbury's reaction to watching F*CK ME RAY BRADBURY [dangerousminds]

Thanks to Christopher and janine83, who both agree Ray must be a real good sport. Not as great as foosball, but still really good.

Aug 23 2010 OMG -- I'd Be Road Raging My Face Off!: Beijing's Nine-Day, 62-Mile Traffic Jam

I can barely sit in traffic for five minutes without screaming and threatening to kill everyone else around me, but nine days? I'd nuke the entire damn planet. Shit, the moon too. What?! I'm not crapping in the backseat again!

Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometre (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days and highlights China's growing road congestion woes.

The Beijing-Tibet expressway slowed to a crawl on August 14 due to a spike in traffic by cargo-bearing heavy trucks heading to the capital, and compounded by road maintenance work that began five days later, the Global Times said.

The state-run newspaper said the jam between Beijing and Jining city had given birth to a mini-economy with local merchants capitalising on the stranded drivers' predicament by selling them water and food at inflated prices.

No lie: I'd rather do anything than sit in traffic. Including dying. "But GW, it's just traffic -- is it really worth losing your life over?" Yes, it 100% is. "Then, uh, why the hell did you move to LA?" Listen -- enough with the questions, smart-ass!

China's nine-day traffic jam stretches 100km [yahoonews]

Thanks to Jane, pomeberry and Mikel, who have all rolled out of moving cars before to avoid traffic jams. Impressive!

Aug 23 2010 You're Nuts: Crazy Guy Talking About Elves

This is a video of some lunatic talking about elves and how you can attract them with pineapples and chopsticks and a million other things he came up with in his LSD-riddled mind. Say -- did you know elves are the official caretakers of the unicorns? I'm not even kidding, he says that. Too bad we all know it's actually the forest nymphs, hack! Captain Crazy also made a video where he shifts his focus to leprechauns, which I took the liberty of embedding after the jump as well. You know, just in case eight minutes of elf-rambling isn't enough for you. Which let's be honest, never is. Do Smurfs next you crazy f***!

Hit the jump for more crazy than you can shake an elf-attracting chopstick at.

Continue Reading " You're Nuts: Crazy Guy Talking About Elves "

Aug 23 2010 Marvel Characters As Mega Men Characters

Note: This is only a few of the characters, click HERE to see the entire wide-ass graphic with a ton more sprite-y superheroes.

DeviantARTist suzuran went and created this giant montage of Marvel characters as Mega Man/Mega Man bosses. I thought it was fairly impressive. Granted I was clapping my ass off Saturday night watching a street performer bang on an upside-down bucket with a stick, so that might not be saying a lot. What is saying a lot is my roommate, which is why I just slammed the door in his face and turned my speakers up to 11.

suzuran's DeviantART
via
Mega Man Goes Marvel [unrealitymag]

Thanks to wesxninja, who was invited to join the X-Men but turned them down because their benefits package doesn't cover work-related injuries. Stop being such a cheap ass, Professor X! Just because you can't break a leg.

Aug 23 2010 Gotta Friend 'Em All!: Pokémons On Facebook

This is a little gallery of make-believe Facebook updates made by Pokémon monsters. Or maybe they're real, I don't know. Just because you've never seen a Pokémon in real life doesn't mean they don't exist, amirite? No, I'm not. Otherwise we'd all believe in leprechauns despite no empirical evidence besides that time I fell asleep in the woods and woke up with a really small handful of gold coin chocolates in my ass. I wasn't even after your lucky charms, little man!

Hit the jump for four more.

Continue Reading " Gotta Friend 'Em All!: Pokémons On Facebook "

Aug 23 2010 It Just Makes Sense: Ken's Fish Hadouken

This is Ken from the Street Fighter franchise conjuring up a very special hadouken for an unsuspecting fisherman. It actually makes perfect sense if you think about. Because Ken fights at the docks. "Wonderful observation GW" aside, at least now Chun Li's lightning-kick isn't the only thing that smells like mackerel. Zing!

Fish Hadouken [bannedinhollywood]

Thanks to KT, who once used a mirror to turn a hadouken back on Ken just for the halibut.

Aug 21 2010 Giant 'King Koopa' Turtle Not As Extinct As Previously Thought (But Still Very Dead)

A giant-ass horned turtle (resembling Bowser) previously thought to be extinct for over 50,000 years may, in fact, have only died out 3,000 years ago. Break out the printing press, it's time to rewrite history books! Just wait till they find a live one.

Dozens of bones found in a 3,000-year-old archaeological site on Vanuatu [in the Pacific Islands] belong to a previously-undescribed species of meiolaniid, a turtle family that evolved 50 million years ago and resembled walking fortresses.

"This group of turtles is not known to have survived into the presence of humans. Now we can say that they met," said paleontologist Trevor Worthy of Australia's University of New South Whales.

The shell of one early meiolaniid species, known from fossils recovered in South America and named Stupendemys for its size, was 11 feet long and seven feet wide. The more modern Meiolania platyceps, found in Australia and Melanesia, had a relatively small five-foot-diameter shell, and weighed an estimated half-ton. All had armored club tails and horned heads.

Wait -- an eleven-foot shell? That's freakin' huuuuge. Listen, I love turtles as much as the next little zombie, but one thing's for certain: I wouldn't want one of these behemoths trying to crawl on my back and to fornicate. Get it?! Because turtles have sex so slow. This ass needs a rabbit!

Extinct, King Koopa-Style Giant Turtle Found on Pacific Island [wired]

Thanks to Jonathan, who may or may not be the actual "I like turtles" Jonathan. OMG -- lie to me if you have to!

Aug 21 2010 Pull The Trigger, DO IT!: Popsicle Handguns

So I'm in Manhattan Beach waiting for some wine and cheese festival to begin (because I'm classy as shit free booze) and thought to myself, "self, you should really go the closest bar and write Geekologie articles until the wine starts flowing. You know, get a head start on the festivities." BOOM -- here I am! Popsicle handguns: they teach kids about gun safety.

In 2003, Florian Jenett and Valentin Beinroth placed about 50 handgun replicas in downtown Frankfurt. The guns were made from tinted ice, making them look real at first sight.

In 2009 they did a new edition of their Freeze! project but made the guns eatable by using coke, licorice, cherry and food coloring.

I can hear the soccer moms screaming in outrage even as I type this. That said, you really shouldn't encourage children to put gun-shaped objects in their mouths. Paint chips and LEGO blocks sure, but guns? Not cool. Also not cool: this beer I've been drinking. Shit's hotter than demon urine. OMG, I think I picked up somebody's leftover. I thought I tasted napkin!

Hit the jump for three more incredibly sensual shots, including a chick that looks like that chick that pretended to be a dude in that one movie.

Continue Reading " Pull The Trigger, DO IT!: Popsicle Handguns "

Aug 20 2010 Why Haven't I Ever Seen Anything But #2's?

#2 like pencils, not #2 like you're gonna go in your jammies when I jump out of your closet tonight. Which I am going to do. You know, or get drunk and pass out on the bus again. I think somebody licked my face last time! Steamy public transportation romance aside, I want numbers 10 and 12. Oooh -- and a number 7 with onion rings instead of fries and NO ICE in my coke. Or baby laxative. I'm trying to party tonight, not have to #2 in a bar bathroom.

The Other Pencil Numbers [laughingsquid]

Thanks to Julie and omnicron, who only write with crayons because they like all the color options. Suuuuure you do (you've been eating them and I know it!).

Aug 20 2010 The Saddest Thing You'll Read All Weekend

Wow. You guys are almost as good at science as you are spelling. Which is not at all. I'm serious, you're dumb as shit and ought to be ashamed. God knows your parents are. Want to be smarter? You're in luck -- drink this. Haha, ignore the skull & crossbones, that's just the symbol for pirate juice.

Facebook Explains Gravity [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Joey, who drinks pirate punch like it's going out of style. Pfft, pirate punch will never go out of style!

Aug 20 2010 Nap AND Look Cool With The Snazzy Napper

The Snazzy Napper is a real-ass product that, despite the name, isn't really very snazzy (Bedazzle that shit, God!). What it is is a piece of cheap fabric you velcro around your head so you can rest in peace (I'll kill you!) while you travel. Did I mention it has a hole for your nose so you don't suffocate in how stupid you look? Because it does. Interested but don't want to spend your hard earned $15? No problem! Here's what you do: close your f***ing eyes.

Hit the jump for a commercial and get ready to count some Z's!

Continue Reading " Nap AND Look Cool With The Snazzy Napper "

Aug 20 2010 I'm On The Can, Okay?!: Facebook Wants To Share Your Current Location With Friends

Facebook just rolled out an update to their mobile app that allows you to share your current location with friends so they can stalk/kill you. Sweet. Gosh, I sure hope they torture me first!

The most worrying aspect of Facebook Places is that you can be checked in by other people. So if you're skipping work, for example, and having lunch with a friend instead, they can check you both in and your boss could see it and fire you.

Fortunately, you need to opt-in to that privacy setting. The first time someone tries to check you in, you'll get an option to not allow them to do so or to allow other people to check you in. But once you approve one, you'll approve all future friend check-ins.

Thanks but no thanks, Facebook. Actually -- forget the first thanks, just no thanks. The last thing I need is some "friend" checking me into places thinking it'd be funny. *checks Superficial Writer into gay club like a million times*

Facebook is ready to tell the world where you are at all times [dvice]

Aug 20 2010 Well, It's Official: The Internet Sucks For Pr0n

Because if you can't trust the overweight pervert hocking dildos behind the counter at your local adult bookstore, who can you trust? Nobody: that's who.

Acidcow
via
Thedailywh.at

Thanks to Jerry, who agrees the internet sucks for just about everything except meeting the love of your life.

Aug 20 2010 Magic Wands!: Warner Brothers Suing Manufacturer Of 'Harry Popper' Condoms

So apparently Warner Bros. is suing the Swiss manufacturer of 'Harry Popper' condoms for copyright infringement because the name's too similar to Harry Potter's. Personally, I don't see it. Wiener magic! Per questionable Google translation:

The lawyer of the film Giant, "Everyone who sees condoms from thinks automatically of Harry Potter." No one could seriously argue the opposite. Deliberately feed on the sex shop from the image of magician's apprentice: youthfulness, magic. On the package a signed Pariserli swings glad his wand. The unmistakable Rundbrille not missing. The condom-seller extended-range Popper be gradually since 2006, a successful product.

"If this does not stop the court, there is a wildfire," cautioned the applicant's lawyer. For Warner Brothers is obvious: The sorcerer Harry Potter have a "very positive image." Condoms have no business there. Especially not now. According to Warner Bros. in November to plan the launch of the new Potter movie. Also a new video game is in preparation. The lawyer for Warner Bros. bluntly: "The image of my client is in danger."

Remember: safety first, wizards. Never cast a spell on a witch's vagina without sheathing your magic wand first. Unless the vagina you're casting on is actually an old gym sock, in which case 1) that's sad as f*** and 2) at least upgrade to a dress sock. Just sayin', you only get one wiener (or in my case, five), it deserves a Gold Toe.

Warner Brothers Sues Swiss Condom Company 'Harry Popper' [defamer]

Thanks to Cory, who doesn't need Harry Popper condoms to make magic in the bedroom. Just a cauldron and spell book.

Aug 20 2010 Death By Deliciousness: Burger King's 2,500 Calorie Whopper Pizza

So there's this Burger King in Times Square called the BK Whopper Bar (you don't even serve booze!) that's selling a 2,520 calorie, $13 Pizza Burger. WTF's a Pizza Burger? The best gotdamn thing you could imagine.

Exclusive to NYC's Whopper Bar. Four flame-broiled Whopper® patties topped with pizza-lovers' favorites (pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, marinara sauce and Tuscan pesto sauce) all on a 9 1/2-inch sesame seed bun.

Of course, Tuscan pesto sauce. I was wondering what the green stuff in my vomit was! And here I thought it was something healthy like lettuce. BWAHAHAHAHA! Lettuce on a cheeseburger. This ain't Jenny Craig!

Fat bomb from Burger King debuts [chealth]
and
Burger King's New York Pizza Burger [thisiswhyyourefat]

Thanks to Stone, Kaibedz, navin and Anthony Pants, who could each eat one and still down a small order of onion rings. Awh yeah, don't forget the dipping sauce!

Aug 20 2010 Where Were You On This, MacGyver?

The KeyTool Keyring Multi-tool isn't just horribly named, it's functional. Combing the usefulness of a large screwdriver, medium screwdriver, small screwdriver, nail file, finger nail cleaner, bottle cap opener, wire cutter and tweezers, the key-sized tool (like yours!) is sure to come in handy provided you don't have a Swiss Army Knife. And it's only $10. That's cheaper than 20 candy bars! Plus it won't make you fat! But it will tear up your butthole on the way out, so don't eat it unless you have to.

ThinkGeek Product Site

Thanks to Gary, who keeps Spongebob company when he's not hanging out with that special-needs starfish.

Aug 19 2010 If Historical Events Had Facebook Pages

Note: This is only two of several, hit the jump to see all of them.

What if historical events had Facebook pages? I'd have a lot more friends, that's what! Psyche, they probably wouldn't even accept my requests. THE BLACK PLAGUE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO BE FRIENDS? WTF?! Oh my God, it's happened -- I'm officially a loser. Kidding! It's been official for years. I swear, one day I'm gonna move out of this basement and really make something of myself. And not a crash-test dummy either, although I am open to that if the money's good. I call the trunk!

Hit the jump for the rest.

Continue Reading " If Historical Events Had Facebook Pages "

Aug 19 2010 These Beats Are Fresh!: Brush Off Your Body Armor, It's Time For A Stormtrooper Danceoff!

This is a video of somebody dressed up like a Stormtrooper and dancing around to Mint Royale's 'Singing In The Rain'. Then two mini stormtroopers drop from the ceiling and join in on the rug-cutting. Did I mention R2-D2 makes a couple cameos? Because that shit happens. What doesn't happen is it getting any better after the first minute, so you can stop then.

Ah, push it -- push it real good. Oooh baby baby, baby baby!

Continue Reading " These Beats Are Fresh!: Brush Off Your Body Armor, It's Time For A Stormtrooper Danceoff! "

Aug 19 2010 When Fanboy/Fangirl Unite: An iPad Wedding

These are pictures from some couple's wedding. Whose? Katie and Aaron's. What's so special about Katie and Aaron? Their wedding ceremony (link NSFW) was officiated entirely by iPad. Why? I dunno, maybe they don't care if it lasts or not. NOW STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.

Katie and Aaron got married in the beautiful outdoor setting in Oceanside and can we take a break from the iPad porn and just talk about how AMAZING Katie's outfit is. She made all of that herself.

Geez, what are you, EpisciPadians? Get it?! Like Episcopalians, except you worship Steve Jobs. Don't eat the Apple, Katie, he'll kick us out of the garden! Also, don't ever venture past the tomatoes, I'm growing holy weed back there.

Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures from the ceremony, including a MacBook, iPad and iPhone trifecta.

Continue Reading " When Fanboy/Fangirl Unite: An iPad Wedding "

Aug 19 2010 Batman: Vigilante Superhero Or Taco Thief?

This is a video of Batman swooping down out of nowhere to abscond with some poor bastard's tacos right at the moment of drive-thru window handoff. The Caped Crusader reduced to taco theft, I never thought I'd see the day. Coming out of the closet with Robin sure, but stealing another man's Fire sauce? That's cold, Batman. Mr. Freeze cold. And speaking of cold -- did you know if you put your sleeping roommate's hand in cold water he'll form ice crystals in his bladder? Okay, so I made that up. But if you put a screwdriver in his hand and tickle his nose he will put an eye out!

Hit the jump for Burrito Wayne in action.

Continue Reading " Batman: Vigilante Superhero Or Taco Thief? "

Aug 19 2010 Surprised, Why Am I Not?: Star Wars Yoga

These are a few Star Wars themed yoga poses because, dammit, a Jedi doesn't stay limber huffing The Force alone. No, they have to actually exercise to stay fit. Except Yoda, he just drinks swamp water and lets internal parasites do all the work (smart thinking, prune).

This was all from the mind of Matthew Latkiewicz, who posted it on his personal site You Will Not Believe last year.

Besides the ridiculously awesome positions, and their names, there's also e-mail correspondents between George Lucas and Steve Jones (Senior VP, LucasFilm Marketing and Brand Strategy). The e-mails are intended to convince Lucas into endorsing a Star Wars brand of yoga.

I'm thinking that your atypical Star Wars fan couldn't pull these moves off. But, maybe they'll start taking some yoga to get them warmed up after seeing the pics.

As a man who's actually attended a yoga class before, I've got to admit: I think it's something I could really get into I farted so loud it cleared the room. They even canceled the abs class after!

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more poses.

Continue Reading " Surprised, Why Am I Not?: Star Wars Yoga "

Aug 19 2010 There's Bad Fashion, And Then There's This

A handbag made to look like a little wiener with giant danglies. And if you think there isn't a butthole sewn on the back you have another thing coming! (Namely, a picture of a butthole sewn on the back).

I was tickled all shades of pink when I saw this intentionally perverse bag by UK-based Andy Bates (made especially for one very lovely, albeit wildly eccentric, Grayson Perry). Not only did he manage to make something as unattractive as hairy testicles look surprisingly haute couture, he managed to add whimsy (namely the flower-shaped anus and silver Prince Albert bell) to make this my new favorite bag

NEW FAVORITE BAG? What are you, nuts for nuts?! I'm sorry, but my favorite bag remains the canvas kind with a big $ printed on the side. Because I'm classy. Back me up here, Mr. Monopoly. Mr. Monopoly? Haha, are you blowing Mr. Peanut again?

Hit the jump for three more shots. There's a sad giant somewhere.

Continue Reading " There's Bad Fashion, And Then There's This "

Aug 19 2010 False Prophets, False Prophets!: Geekologie Reader Spots Transformer Church

Note: Full-res version HERE in case you think reading the words is gonna help this all make sense. You're gonna be disappointed!

At first I didn't even notice the cross on Optimus's head. Now I can't not see it. My God's no robot! Anyway, when I was a kid it didn't take Transformer marketing to get me to go to church. Just free snacks afterward. Mmmm, jelly-filled donut holes. Which -- OMG -- they should totally start using for communion! Just sayin', body and blood in one bite. Genius award: I'll accept it now.

Picture

Thanks to Chubo, who took the picture and noted there was a suspiciously large number of oil leak spots in the parking lot.

Aug 19 2010 Guy Builds Himself 1,000 Sausage BBQ Grill

Allegedly this is the world's largest "fixed" barbecue grill. Fixed liked it remains in one spot, not fixed like it got its nuts cut and has to wear a cone. It can cook 1,000 sausages or 500 hamburgers at the same time. Good thing too! (I'm fat you see)

It's the brainchild of 31-year-old Jack Henriques who runs the Bespoke BBQ Company and says he already has plans to make a bigger one.

However you might want to think about it before ordering one to outdo your neighbours... it takes 14 bags of coal to ignite and can heat up to 500 degrees centigrade.

It is fitted with seven separate coal trays and has the capacity to cook seven whole lambs at once."

While the God-grilla is the largest fixed barbecue in the world, there is truck in the US called the Big Taste Grill which has been converted into a touring BBQ.

14 bags of charcoal?! My God. Do you know how much lighter fluid we're gonna need for that? If you answered, "a gasoline truck's worth", congratulations -- now put these pantyhose over your head, we're going to Exxon.

Hit the jump for two more shots of grill-zilla or whatever the hell kids are calling it this week.

Continue Reading " Guy Builds Himself 1,000 Sausage BBQ Grill "

Aug 18 2010 It's Like Twilight For Guys: A Vampire Novel I Could Actually Sink My Teeth Face Into

Hell yes, Fangs for the Mammaries. You know what? This really got me thinking -- we should totally start a Geekologie book club! It'll be great! We'll all read the same book for a month, then get together to drink our literary faces off and fight about it. OMG -- how about that part where the female detective that was pretending to be a vampire took her bra off and started shooting steaks out of her nipples? I know, she caught Dracula right in the heart. The vampire king brought down by a porterhouse! Haha, what do you mean, "stakes, not steaks"? Shut up-- you probably didn't even read it! Admit it -- ADMIT YOU JUST WATCHED THE MOVIE!

Fangs For The Mammaries [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Little Sam Big Slam, who writes erotic vampire fiction for a living. Just not a very good living (here -- here's $40 before your water gets cut off again).

Aug 18 2010 Cart Paths? Where We're Going We Don't Need Cart Paths: Monster Truck Golf Cart

This is monster truck golf cart. Or maybe it's more of a fore-wheeler golf cart. See what I did there? I thought you would! Pfft, and your parents said you were slow. I'm serious, they really told me that. Also that you're a virgin. Okay that one I actually believe aside, just look at this thing. It has racing seats. Plus -- PLUS -- a red windscreen. That's not something you see everyday! Unless you work at a red windscreen shop, in which case, Jesus, that's probably the saddest thing I've ever heard. Well, that coupled with the whole virgin thing.

Monster truck golf cart brings some testosterone to golf [dvice]

Aug 18 2010 Cuter Than The Droids You Were Looking For

These are two lil munchkins dressed up as R2-D2 and C-3P0 at the recent Star Wars Celebration V. Also seen in the background is their mother, wearing a custom 'Droid Factory' t-shirt. Not sure how I feel about that.

The base of the dresses is sewn using New Look pattern # 6878. It's a quick and easy pattern that I make for my girls for every holiday and event. The dresses were then embellished with puff paint. That's right, the same thing we all used when we were 10 years old to paint on everything, it is one of my favorite craft supplies. A little felt here and there for R2's panel, and finished the outfits off with little bow head bands from the left over fabric.

I wore a shirt that I embellished with some iron on glitter letters and glitter covered felt silhouettes of R2 and 3PO that read "Droid Factory" (quite appropriate with the two kids and another baby on the way) and my husband rounded off the family ensemble with a shirt that read "These aren't the droids you're looking for."

Ah yes, New Look pattern #6878, one of muh personal faves. Used it on this little floral number I made for myself. The one I'm wearing commando right now.F*** I have some hairy legs. You see that? *flashes* BOOYA -- CANNOT BE UNSEEN!

Hit the jump for one more shot of the whole fam standing in a life-size Boba Fett action figure box.

Continue Reading " Cuter Than The Droids You Were Looking For "

Aug 18 2010 Cool, Now Walk The Dog: Crazy YoYo Guy

Seen here doing things with a yo-yo I never thought possible (haha, no, not making it look cool), Jensen Kimmitt won the 2010 World YoYo contest with this mindblowing 3:26 routine. The only problem is he didn't even walk the dog. Seriously, 3-and-a-half minutes of yoyo action and not a single dog walking? But it's gonna shit inside!

Hit the jump for a video at least worth skipping through.

Continue Reading " Cool, Now Walk The Dog: Crazy YoYo Guy "

Aug 18 2010 A Chest For All My Lasers, Rockets & Aliens

This used Lasers, Rockets and Aliens chest was recently for sale on eBay. Unfortunately, I was unable to bid on it before the auction ended because I went out and got sloppy was stuck in an important business meeting. A multi-million dollar one. Seriously, one guy even showed up in a helicopter. Me? I showed up in my mom's station wagon and backed into a Jaguar in the parking garage. Leaving that spot and parking on another floor aside, what kind of Lasers, Rockets & Aliens chest doesn't have a damn lock on it? You want your kids lasering their little eyeballs out then rocketing through a bedroom wall? You don't. And what if an alien gets loose in the house? You know that little bastard's gonna make a bee-line for your snack cabinet and eat all the pudding. Not cool, Xazzle!

One more shot after the jump.

Continue Reading " A Chest For All My Lasers, Rockets & Aliens "

Aug 18 2010 BOOM!: iPad Not Shotgun Blast Survivable

According to this dumb-as-f*** ad for tax-preparer FreeTaxUSA.com, paying too much for tax preparation is a lot like an iPad getting blasted with a shotgun. Great analogy, I know. And all along I thought it was like getting bent over an accountant's desk by a man in a green visor! (Been there, done that, started saving my receipts)

Hit the jump for the boomstick in action.

Continue Reading " BOOM!: iPad Not Shotgun Blast Survivable "

Aug 18 2010 iPhone Sticker Makes It Look Like Bill Cliton (Or George Bushoff) Is Perpetually Calling

Amazing Call iPhone 4 stickers are $10 stickers designed to go on the back of your iPhone and make it appear whoever's on the sticker (i.e. God) is constantly calling. Alternatively, the stickers can be placed on the front of your phone to render it useless.

Choose Einstein, Obama, Lenin or even some chick in a bikini. This is the kind of pure genius accessory that could only come directly from Hong Kong.

The wacky designers at Amazing Calling will even custom print the "call from image" of your choice. But why use your own image when you can have former president "Cliton" protecting the back of your new iPhone 4.

Awesome. I'm gonna get one that says "Your Momma" and has a picture of the Kool-Aid man. Get it? Because she's a good source of vitamin C juicy.

Product Site
via
This Amazing iPhone 4 Sticker Will Stimulate Your Imagination [iphonesavior]

Aug 18 2010 Mmmm, Meaty Skin-y: The KFC 'Skinwich'

Kentucky Fried Cruelty is allegedly testing a new sandwich at select stores. What kind of sandwich? Try "5 layers of fried chicken skin, lumped on a bun and topped with white american cheese and bacon." Mmmm, I can already feel my intestines trying to escape out my butthole. Per somebody who had the misfortune of trying one:

Nasty. The richness of all that fatty seasoned skin is totally overwhelming. It's also tongue-parchingly-salty.

I started to gag and got that "brushing the back of your tongue" feeling. Had to spit it out. In KFC's defense, the sandwich was luke-warm after taking the pics. But I doubt it would be much better hot.

With this latest move and the Double Down's success, KFC may be catching up to Hardees/BK in the "making sandwiches so nauseating they generate buzz" dept.

I don't know about you, but when I close my eyes and think "delicious", a pile of fried chicken skin is definitely in the top three. Okay, okay -- top ten. Thousand. Right behind a football.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the WTFery.

Continue Reading " Mmmm, Meaty Skin-y: The KFC 'Skinwich' "

Aug 17 2010 A Voice? Where We're Going You Don't Need A Voice: Texting, The Informational Graphic

Note: This is only only a small portion of the chart, you're gonna need to hit the jump to see it in all it's button-mashing glory.

Texting: everybody does it. Some more than others *ahem, little girls!* but everybody does it. Somebody who tells you they've never texted before is either a pathological liar or too old to be driving. But that's not what I came here to talk about. What I came to talk about is sexting. Now let's say somebody accidentally took a picture of himself with a face drawn on his crotch (using his penis for the nose) and accidentally sent it to everybody in his phonebook. Is there a way to like, unsend that? I'm asking for a friend.

Hit the jump for the whole graphic.

Continue Reading " A Voice? Where We're Going You Don't Need A Voice: Texting, The Informational Graphic "

Aug 17 2010 If The Empire Strikes Back Was A Silent Film

It might look like this. Ooooor it might look like Charlie Chaplin swinging a cane around like a lightsaber, I have no f***ing clue. What I do know is this is somebody's idea of what The Empire Strikes Back would look like as a silent picture. Are they right? Only time (machines) will tell.

Hit it for the magical moving picture.

Continue Reading " If The Empire Strikes Back Was A Silent Film "

Aug 17 2010 Gotta Burn 'Em All!: Ugly-Ass Pokémons

Note: Full-res version HERE.

With faces like that you lil monsters can't really blame your parents for abandoning you. Just sayin', one time I saw a cat abandon one of its kittens and that thing was cute as shit. I'm talking adorable. I'm not even a crying man but I shed diamond-plated tears when I saw it. So you know what I did? I had a nice long sit-down with that momma cat.

Me: Hey -- you can't just abandon one of your children!
Cat: Like hell I can't, it tried biting one of my teats off.
Me: LOLWUT?!
Cat: I'm serious, like the whole damn thing.
Me: *suckling*
Cat: Meow.
Me: Do I have a milk mustache?

EatToast's DeviantART

Thanks to Pokeemanz, who just caught 'em all and doesn't know what to do with himself. Here's an idea: stop running around with that butterfly net and get a job.

Aug 17 2010 Soooo Hot Right Now: Hello Kitty Dr. Martens

Do people still wear Dr. Martens? I have no idea. I couldn't be more out of touch if I cut off all my fingertips and didn't pay theAT&T bill. There's no phoning home now! Anyway, $135 Hello Kitty Dr. Martens: for the Corpse Bride in your life.

Dr. Martens has teamed up with Sanrio to create five limited edition Dr. Martens x Sanrio collaboration styles to celebrate their respective 50th anniversaries.

These styles include a Mary Jane and the classic Dr. Martens 8-eye boot, embellished with traditional Hello Kitty® detailing, such as a padded 3D version of Hello Kitty's® bow and a special edition Sanrio family print featuring many of the Sanrio characters released over the last 50 years.

All styles have a cute collaboration logo in the insock and come in special Dr. Martens x Sanrio 50th Anniversary collaboration packaging.

God, I can remember back in high school when a pair of Dr. Martens and ultra-wide leg JNCO's made you cool. And by cool I mean look f***ing ridiculous. Except on you, you looked great. So great you had to sit alone at lunch. GIMME YOUR PUDDING, DORK!

Hit the jump for two of the other styles available and a link to order (shipping September 1st).

Continue Reading " Soooo Hot Right Now: Hello Kitty Dr. Martens "

Aug 17 2010 Sadness: Childless Millionaires Build Robo-kid

Millionaire English couple Tony and Judie Ellis don't have any children. Or pets. What they do have is a robotic child they built themselves. You, uh, do know that makes you creepy as shit, right? But is that gonna stop me from hitting their rich asses up on Halloween? Hell no -- I heard they hand out full-size candy bars!

Their creation is so advanced it can tell jokes and keep its human parents up to date on their interests by scanning the internet.

As well as sophisticated voice recognition, Aimec sees through a single digital eye, allowing it to move freely around the house on its wheels, using an internal map of the house, or follow someone.

The inventor beams, with fatherly love in his eyes. 'Tell us a joke,' he commands.

'Okay,' says Aimec, 'Why did the robot act funny?' It hesitates and smiles. 'Because it had a screw loose!'

So is it a matter of time before robots take over?

The inventor laughs. 'No. That's not going to happen. But I did learn an important lesson early on - always put the on-off switch on the front.

'When I built my first robot, Herbie, in 1979, it didn't actually have an on-off switch, if you can believe that. One day it was serving drinks in the living room, and it suddenly went beserk.

'It dropped the drinks, drove through a coffee table, ripped up the wallpaper and drove through a door before I managed to wrestle it to the ground and shut it down.'

LOLWUT?! Because that's exactly what I need around the house. Listen, if I wanted my apartment destroyed I'd just get black-out angry drunk every night. Which -- haha, this place is a dump.

One more picture of little Aimac holding a potato after the jump.

Continue Reading " Sadness: Childless Millionaires Build Robo-kid "

Aug 17 2010 'Eff Me, Ray Bradbury', The Song/Music Video

Note: NSFW video is after the jump (because she actually says the f-word).

This is a song and music video entitled, 'F*** Me, Ray Bradbury' by Rachel Bloom. It's about some chick who wants to get boned by Ray Bradbury. That alone being enough to make my wiener limp until the end of time, it's actually kind of catchy. Plus there's a Britney Spears-ish 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' scene. Not that it did anything for me sexually, because it didn't. Unless making me want to Fahrenheit 451 my penis until it's a charred hotdog counts, which it doesn't because 1) penises require prolonged exposure to temperatures in excess of 1,400 degrees to catch fire and 2) I'm not really into pyrotechnics in the bedroom. Psyche! (Light the bottle rockets as soon as I start climbing the headboard)

Hit it for the sci-fi song and dance.

Continue Reading " 'Eff Me, Ray Bradbury', The Song/Music Video "

Aug 17 2010 You Did It So, So Wrong: Anti-Evolution Fail

*facepalm* Well no shit they didn't grow into watermelons, you probably didn't water them. No fair rigging the experiment!

Hit the jump for the entire article (yes, there's more -- and it gets better!), including a though-provoking argument about kids not having fins and scales.

Continue Reading " You Did It So, So Wrong: Anti-Evolution Fail "

Aug 17 2010 Anger Management, You Seriously Need Some: Guy's Team Fortress 2 F-Bomb Tirade

Note: NSFW NSFW NSFW (language) videos are after the jump.

This is a video of a guy playing Team Fortress 2 that's so full of rage I'm honestly surprised he didn't puke and pass out. He manages to drop the f-bomb over 200 times in the span of 10-minutes, making him by far the most poignant speaker I've ever heard in my life (suck it, commencement speech hack!). But it's not all f-bombs -- oh no -- this guy spits some serious knowledge as well. I'm talking life-lessons like "UBERCHAAAAARGE!", "UNLIMITED POWERRRRR!" and "THIS ISN'T STRAWBERRY! IT'S RAAAWBERRY!" If those words of wisdom don't change your life you might already be dead. Tell my cats I miss them.

Hit the jump for three videos (one from his perspective, two from the medic that was keeping his health up).

Continue Reading " Anger Management, You Seriously Need Some: Guy's Team Fortress 2 F-Bomb Tirade "

Aug 17 2010 Unlucky 13-Year Old Struck By Lightning On Friday The 13th At 13:13 (24-Hour Time, Yo!)

That's not actually him in the picture. That's just a shot I found in my 'chicks in thongs getting struck by lightning' fetish folder online. So yeah, allegedly a 13-year old was struck by lighting at 13:13 on Friday the 13th while attending an air show. Because attending an air show in the middle of a thunderstorm is a good idea. High-five, Dad of the Year!

The boy was struck at Lowestoft Seafront Air Festival today, Firday 13th, and it was only while the ambulance team was treating him that they noticed the time - 1.13pm.

The unnamed buy suffered a minor burn and was taken to James Paget Hospital, where he is expected to make a full recovery.

'We treated two more injuries from lightning burns in the space of twenty minutes - all three people were holding umbrellas at the time, which acts as a conductor for electricity.'

Darwin Awards: you were all this close to winning one. Better luck next time, guys (I recommend taping dynamite to your umbrella handles).

Unlucky for some: Lightning strikes 13-year-old boy at 13:13 on Friday the 13th [dailymail]

Thanks to Romeo and silvermidnight, who agree the safest way to watch an air show in a lightning storm is from beneath the brim of a tin-foil helmet.

Aug 17 2010 I Said Two Scoops You Sorry POS!: Yaskawa-kun The Ice Cream Selling Robot

Yaskawa-kun in an ice cream vending robot currently employed by Tokyo Summerland waterpark. You order via touchscreen, then sit back and watch as Jack in the Box's bastard brother soft-serves your ass a sundae. Oooooor scoops your heart out. Whatever the case, somebody's still crapping in the wavepool.

Hit the jump for a moderately entertaining two-minute performance.

Continue Reading " I Said Two Scoops You Sorry POS!: Yaskawa-kun The Ice Cream Selling Robot "

Aug 16 2010 Pew Pew Pew!: Full-Scale TIE Interceptor

This is a full-scale TIE Interceptor on display at the recent Star Wars Celebration V. Thank God I wasn't there, because I don't care how many Storm Troopers were guarding the thing, my ass would have been in that cockpit PEW PEW PEWing until somebody with a real gun pointed it at me. Then I would have, oh I don't know -- DOUBLE BARREL-ROLLED THEIR FACE OFF! Seriously, you better stop shooting before I engage my SFS L-s7.2 laser cannons (I'm not a dork you're a dork) and start firing back. Because you can and will mess your pants. And I'm not talking about firm, Yoda-shaped logs either, I'm talkin' Kessel Runs. Your tighty-white rebellion doesn't stand a chance.

Hit the jump for a couple videos of the spaceship inaction (get it? Because it doesn't move!).

Continue Reading " Pew Pew Pew!: Full-Scale TIE Interceptor "

Aug 16 2010 Oh -- You Wanted To See My Birthday Cake?

In case you haven't seen it because you're not a fan of Geekologie on Facebook (and therefore missing out on all the important life-lessons I have to bestow), this was my 29th birthday cake. It's a dinosaur. Specifically, it's a sugar cookie dinosaur. Atop an ice cream cake. What kind of ice cream cake? Hold on to your tits!

Hershey's chocolate cake and icing with Dreyer's Somoa Girl Scout Cookie ice cream and enough chocolate cracklins to choke a velociraptor.

Yes, yes I did just quote myself. And you know what? It felt awesome. Like the feeling right after you throw up to make room for more booze. The cake was crafted by my special lady-friend and just goes to show that, if you really put your mind to it, even you can find a girl who'll spend two days making a themed ice-cream cake while you sit around playing Red Dead Redemption and drinking. Except yours'll have a penis. Hoho, can't win em all!

Geekologie on Facebook

Aug 16 2010 Road Rage!: Custom Shoryuken Vanity Plate

This is a custom 'Shoryuken' vanity plate (most definitely this guy's) spotted by Jonah Ray while leaving the Weird Al concert Friday night at the Orange County Fair. Jonah, who's a personal friend, decided it'd be cool to go to the show instead of my birthday party on Friday which he'll regret since I just cut his brake lines and loosened his steering wheel. Bet you can't get up to 88MPH like in Back to the Future!

Shoyukn License Plate [jonahray]

Aug 16 2010 Smash Bros. + Fight Club = Smash Club?

Note: I had to cut the picture so it would still be big enough to see click HERE to see the whole, unadulterated version.

This is the first in a series of pictures by Flickr user Robotpencil (he'll stab you) that mashup the Smash Bros. and Fight Club universes. As you can see, Mario is about to get his ass handed to by Donkey Kong like a bushel of overripe bananas. The first rule of Smash Club is you don't talk about that time you put me in a choke-hold and rested your balls between my eyes Samus Aran and Princess Zelda are mine. That's right, I don't even want you looking at them. That goes for you too, wonk-eye, now put on this eyepatch. Cuuute, you look like a pirate. Now -- give us your best 'ARRRRGH!' No? Cool, then you're first to fight -- you'll be battling Bowser and Ganon at the same time. You hear that, guys? This little pirate just said you two couldn't boss your way out of wet paper bags. "ARGH!" Haha -- too late now, Blacknbluebeard!

Robotpencil's DeviantART

Thanks to hamiwill and Georgia, who both considered getting into the whole MMA fighting scene before realizing they like their blood where it is: on the inside.

Aug 16 2010 Say It Ain't So!: Blobfish May Face Extinction

Seen here looking like a sad-ass Charlie Brown, the blobfish may very well be on its way to extinction. And not just because he needs to get those spots on his lips looked at by a medical professional, but I warned him that blowfish had blown the whole reef.

The depths at which the strange fish lives helps explain its unusual appearance. Due to the enormous pressure, gas bladders become insufficient to stay afloat. Consequently, the blobfish has developed gelatinous flesh with a density less than water.

Floating around suits the blobfish nicely, as it subsists on edible particles carried by currents.

Scientists now fear that overfishing may lead to extinction for the blobfish. Fishermen scraping the bottom of the sea for lucrative catches, such as crab and lobster, often catch the blobfish by mistake, putting tremendous pressure on its isolated population.

Long story short: we need to save the blobfish. Because, like, if it goes extinct, your grandchildren never get to see one. Then we'll find out mermaids dine exclusively on the blobfish and now they're all gonna die because they don't have any chow. Boy will we feel like a bunch of @$$holes! No, no we won't. Somebody'll just harpoon Flipper and we'll all call it a day.

World's ugliest animal threatened with extinction [yahoo]

Thanks to GreenBoss, who blames BP for sinking Atlantis.

Aug 16 2010 Is This The World's Longest Email Address?

Allegedly this is the world's longest active email address. Except it's not because I have the world's longest active email address. Plus tongue. Please send all future death threats to: hey-gw-im-trying-to-contact-you-so-please-return-my-email-and-dont-just-throw-this-away-even-tho[email protected]9-behind-the-chinese-restaurant-yes-the-one-with-the-bomb-ass-eggrolls-i-think-wed-make-great-friends-and-i-would-like-to-discuss-a-business-opportunity-just-kidding-im-going-to-stab-you-in-the-liver-and-watch-you-bleed-out.com

Peter Craig just set the URDB world record for the longest active email address which is 345 characters in length.

contact-admin-hello-webmaster-info-services-peter-crazy-but-oh-so[email protected]please-try-to.send-me-an-email-if-you-can-possibly-begin-to-remember-this-coz.this-is-the-longest-email-address-known-to-man-but-to-be-honest.this-is-such-a-stupidly-long-sub-domain-it-could-go-on-forever.pacraig.com

TLDNR. But I did pass your address along to every purveyor of boner pills on the internet. What?! It wasn't hard.

The World's Longest Active Email Address (345 Characters) [laughingsquid]

Thanks to Liquid Tension, mario mouse and Kristina, who sent their tips via the postal service because they're smart enough to know electronic mail is the devil's work.

Aug 16 2010 Better Late Than Never: Luke's Deleted Return Of The Jedi Lightsaber Building Scene

This is a deleted scene from Return of the Jedi featuring Darth Vader calling to his son from his masturbation chamber (creepy) while Luke finishes building his lightsaber on Tattooine. The scene was viewed at Star Wars Celebration V in Orlando, but will be available for your own home-viewing pleasure as part of a remastered, special edition Blu-Ray box-set (of all six episodes) dropping Fall, 2011. You know, because George Lucas hasn't already dug deep enough into our pockets. Oh yeah, keep digging George -- there's a roll of all hundreds in there somewhere. Got it? Because that's totally my penis. Consider yourself deposited!

Hit the jump for a fanboy boner.

Continue Reading " Better Late Than Never: Luke's Deleted Return Of The Jedi Lightsaber Building Scene "

Aug 16 2010 Bacon Is Good For Me, The Infographic

Note: I had to cut the graphic to make room for my bulging belly biceps, click HERE to see the whole thing.

Just like the little fat boy said so eloquently, "bacon is good for me", and here's the informational graphic to prove it. So bac-on my rotund little friend, but remember: cookies and ranch dressing still want you dead.

The Health Benefits of Bacon [medicalbillschool] (WTF?!)

Thanks to Argh, Hammer and Fattius J Guy, who don't need an informational graphic to know what feels right.

Aug 13 2010 Google Street View Dead Girl Not Really Dead

Residents of Middle Road, Worcester (England) were alarmed after viewing what appeared to be a dead girl in their neighborhood on Google Street View. Only thing is, she was faking. Hoho, you little wolf-crier! You better hope you're never really lying dead on the sidewalk. Stray cats are gonna make you their territory!

It is a suburban scene much like millions of others on Google's Street View site... apart from one chilling addition.

Lying face down on the pavement, her shoe inches away in the gutter, is the body of a young girl.

Anxious residents browsing their on-screen neighbourhood contacted Google about the image fearing they had chanced on a murder scene.

Her innocent game just happened to coincide with the arrival of a Google Street View car to record the images of the road.

Azura said: 'I didn't know anything about the Google Street View car (recording me). I fell over while I was playing with my friend and thought it would be funny to play dead.

Interesting story, Azura, but if you were actually playing with a friend like you claim, where's this friend in the pictures? I'm on to you, little girl. You see dead people, don't you?! TELL ME WHERE THEY BURIED THE MONEY!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots, including what the little girl looks like less dead.

Continue Reading " Google Street View Dead Girl Not Really Dead "

Aug 13 2010 August 13th: International Left-Handers' Day

August 13th, best known for being the day after my birthday, is also International Left Handers' Day. And, since I'm a leftie myself, I celebrate the shit out of it. Especially this special Friday the 13th edition! Some fun facts about me and the rest of the special-needs population:

1. Left Hander's Day was started in August 13 1976 by Left handers International.

2. About 7 percent of the population is left handed.

3. Lefties are also called "southpaws".

4. In twins, there is a high tendency for one to be left-handed.

5. 1 in 4 Apollo astronauts were left-handed.

6. 4 of the 5 original designers of the Macintosh computer were left-handed.

7. Left-handers usually reach puberty 4 to 5 months after right-handers.

8. George H.W. Bush, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama are all left handed. Ronald Regan was left handed too.

9. Pablo Picasso, Isaac Newton, Leonardo Di Vinci, and Michelangelo were also left handed.

10. Right handed people tend to use the left side of their brains more. Left handed people tend to use the rights.

11. Left handers tend to adjust quickly to seeing underwater.

12. Right handers tend to chew food on the right side, left handers tend to chew on the left side.

13. Albert Einstein was left handed.

14. Left handed people who have higher I.Q.s tend to have an I.Q. of over 140.

15. In some cultures it is impolite to touch your food with your left hand (because they wipe their asses with it).

16. The Geekologie Writer is the handsomest left hander, or any-hander for that matter, and once left-hooked the Devil so hard he shat hot lava.

There you have it. But if you only take one thing away from these interesting facts I hope it's #16. That's the important one. Isn't it, Devil? Haha, you're burning through those Depends! Literally.

Thanks to Alexander, who reminds all southpaws that we have to stick together. But not with glue, that's for huffing.

Aug 13 2010 Room For Rent: iPhone Users Need Not Apply

So iPhones aren't cool, got it. But how do you feel about a guy that keeps a Blackberry between his buttcheeks so the government can't monitor his calls? Because I know a guy. Personally. Me, I'm talking about me. Also, if I told you I'm a L337 Starcrafter can I get the big bedroom? I need it for all the orgies. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO FEMALE VISITORS?! Aaaaahh, I see where this is going. Well listen: we have to take turns pitching and catching, it's only fair. I'll pitch first. Then, when it's my turn to catch, I'd like to call a pinch-catcher. That will be you again.

Craigslist: Looking for an Room in NYC, NO IPHONES Allowed [obviouswinner]

Aug 13 2010 Bioshock Infinite: Now With More Cloud City

Note: Trailer is after the jump so it doesn't float away like a helium-filled prophylactic.

Bioshock, a game best known for my brother and I having to play in the middle of the day with all the lights on, is coming back for a third installment, and not to Rapture either. No, this time it's taking to the skies. Specifically, a floating cloud city called Columbia. Watch out -- Lando's gonna betray you!

It's not Rapture, it's Columbia. It's not underwater, it's tied to Zeppelins and floating around the world, thousands of feet in the air. It's not a secret, delapidated cool kid's club, it's a spectacle of American achievement with the same agenda as the moon landings. And you're not a Nameless Nelly, you're ex-private detective Booker DeWitt.

You've been sent into this rogue 1900s Death Star to retrieve a woman called Elizabeth. She's at the centre of some sort of conflict, she has magical powers that give her nosebleeds, and you'll need to work together to survive and escape.

Sounds promising. Granted not as promising as a promise ring, but we're not exactly going steady, now are we? We aren't. Especially not since I saw little Suzy Spreadlegs wearing your letter jacket. You dirty man-whore, I just poured salt in your gas tank! Huh? You're right, that wasn't kosher. Zing!

Hit the jump for the trailer.

Continue Reading " Bioshock Infinite: Now With More Cloud City "

Aug 13 2010 Honey? Honey What Are You Doing In There?!: Sex Toys, The Infographic

Note: This is hardly any of the graphic, possibly NSFW (cartoony dildos and naked lady) full version HERE.

Did you know Alaska buys more sex toys per capita than any other state? Or that Mississippi buys more anal sex toys per capita? I did. But I did not know the world's largest retail-y available dildo is the 'Great American Challenge', at 14.5" long and 8.75" around. My God, you could drive a truck through that vagina! And not an F-150 either, I'm talking something with at least six wheels. Plus mud-flaps. Towing a mobile home.

Sex Toys - America's Dirty Little Secret [theirtoys]

Thanks to Brittany, who made the graphic and knows more about sex toys than the clerk at The Pleasure Chest.

Aug 13 2010 Because One Slice (And Heart Stent) Is Never Enough: Denny's New Fried Cheese Melt

Denny's, arguably the classiest place I've ever eaten, is rolling out a new $4 Fried Cheese Melt on the 24th to coincide with This Is Why You're Fat Day. WTF is a fried cheese melt? Gotdamn delicious, that's what.

"four fried mozzarella sticks and melted American cheese grilled between two slices of sourdough bread...served with French fries and a side of marinara sauce.

Damn that sounds delicious. And by delicious I mean "like you won't have a bowel movement for a week". Pound a couple before a long car trip and leave the diapers at home!

Denny's Fried Cheese Melt Pushes Gooey Cheese Tolerance To New Levels [consumerist]

Thanks to becca t, who agrees cheese makes everything better. Except milkshakes. You can't bring all the boys to the yard with a cheesy-ass shake!

Aug 13 2010 Use Correct Postage, Luke: X-Wing Mailbox

And you thought your mailbox was cool. Painted ducks aren't cool, X-wing fighters are cool. I love getting packages!

This little picture doesn't do the five-foot wing span of Craig Smith's X-Wing mailbox justice.

I made this so long ago, it is actually in need of weathering repairs and repainting. I never expected it to survive vandalism or theft for half a decade. But at five feet long and a five foot wingspan, theft would be quite difficult. Everybody from letter carriers to pizza delivery go out of their way to say how much they like it. There is a street about 10 miles away where older guys have a mailbox rivalry with custom car, firetruck and airplane mailboxes, I should mail them a photo.

Five-foot wingspan, good God! I'm honestly surprised Galactic vandals haven't beat the wings off this thing yet. Or are you Jedi mind-tricking them all? "This is not the maibox you're looking for." Chill out man, we're just here selling candy bars for a school fundraiser. Oh -- and cinch the robe bro, your lightsaber's peepin'. I'm serious, I can see it. Purple like Mace Windu's.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

Continue Reading " Use Correct Postage, Luke: X-Wing Mailbox "

Aug 13 2010 Blocky: Minimalist Street Fighter II Characters

These are all the original Street Fighter II characters as minimalized by artist Ashley Browning (Flickr user infinitecontinues). As you can see, they look like colored DNA strands. No? Alien shit stains? Whatever the case, there's a set of Mortal Kombat characters after the jump, along with another link to Ashley's Flickr containing a ton of other minimalist video game characters in different styles. So yeah, go check them out. But you better put that little bar down between your stuff and my stuff because I'm not paying for your store-brand hot dogs again.

Round 1 -- Fight!

Continue Reading " Blocky: Minimalist Street Fighter II Characters "

Aug 12 2010 Donald Duck Accused Of Epcot Groping

Donald Duck, best known for being an anthropomorphic duck that's secretly in love with a certain mouse *ahem, Mickey* has been accused of groping some woman's boob during her trip to Epcot. I'm gonna go out on a limb and and say she's lying for money.

While visiting Epcot Center in Florida, a Pennsylvania woman alleges that a Disney employee dressed as Donald Duck grabbed her breast and molested her after she sought an autograph.

After the alleged groping, Donald Duck made gestures--apparently with his snowy white hands--"indicating he had done something wrong," according to a lawsuit filed last month by April Magolon (inset).

Magolon...is suing Disney for negligence, battery, and infliction of emotional distress, and is seeking in excess of $50,000 in damages.

According to Magolon's complaint, she has suffered "severe physical injury, emotional anguish and distress including, but not limited to post-traumatic stress disorder" as a result of the run-in with Donald Duck. She also contends that the incident was "one of a long line of continuing, long standing, similar prior incidents" involving the groping of patrons by costumed Disney employees.

Listen, there's absolutely no reason for a man in a Donald Duck costume to feel on a woman's titty. Why? Because, no matter what he touches, everything feels the same: like a gloved turd. Now if his glove was off, his other arm was limp and his crotch was pulsating THEN you might have a case. Nice try, lady! Now go pour hot coffee on your knockers and blame Starbucks.

Grope Claim Against Donald Duck [thesmokinggun]

Thanks to JoeLickASack, who was banned from working at Disney for trying to lick sacks.

Aug 12 2010 That Must Be Some Tea!: Laser Blaster Face

Because it is my birthday and I'm itching to get my ass to the tiki bar so I can get this party started promptly at 4 when they open, this is an animated gif of a lady drinking magic tea and turning into Laser Blaster Face, hands down the sexiest of all superheroines. God, just look at those eyes -- so dreamy googly.

Miso Soup Wonky Eyed Power Laser Face Blast [obviouswinner]

Aug 12 2010 I Spy: Battlestar Galactica Pirated DVD Cover

What in the...? How could you have possibly screwed this up? WHY IS THE ENTERPRISE ON THE COVER? AND WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE REVIEWS FROM? Holy shit, seasons 1-4 all in one box? Sold!

UPDATE: VHS quality video of a farmer killing chickens for six hours. 3/5 stars.

Black-market Battlestar DVD calls the show a "tween comedy" [io9]

Thanks to Asperflux, who's surprised Luke and Leia didn't make the cover.

Aug 12 2010 Star Gazing!: Meteor Shower Peaks Tonight

Because even God shines his starlight favorably on me for my birthday, the Perseid meteor shower will reach its peak tonight, possibly signaling the apocalypse. Did I mention Mars, Venus, Saturn and the crescent moon will all be clustered together as well? We're as good as dead. Suck it 2012, you don't have shit on my 2010 birthday!

Across the Northern Hemisphere, the best time to watch the Perseid meteor shower will be tonight through the pre-dawn hours local time Friday, regardless of where you live. Weather permitting, patient skywatchers could see a shooting star every minute or so.

Meanwhile, Venus, Mars and Saturn are clustered in the evening sky and will be joined tonight and Friday by the graceful crescent moon. Anyone with clear skies can easily spot the foursome looming above the western horizon as soon as darkness falls.

While the planets and our moon are all very far apart in space, they appear lined up this week thanks to a special circumstance of orbital mechanics. The outer planets, Mars and Saturn, take much longer to go around the sun than the inner planet Venus. Venus "laps" the outer planets frequently, and it never strays far from the sun from our vantage point.

Now I'm not suggesting you all walk out of work right now and start birthday partying with me until the Meteor Shower of the Apocalypse arrives, but you and I both know it's the right thing to do. Seriously -- how do you want to spend your final hours: working for the man OR GETTING BELLIGERENT WITH THE GW AND SKIPPING OUT ON OUR TAB? Balls are gross in your court.

Spectacular Meteor Shower and Rare Planet Alignment Coincide [yahoonews]

Aug 12 2010 Gaming With God: The Church Of Nintendo

This is the Church of Nintendo. Except not really because it's the Church of St. George in Lalibela, Ethiopia. The D-pad portion of the church and select button were actually carved out of solid rock. Sadly, the start and A and B buttons (trees) were all Photoshopped in. Still, cute. Granted not as cute as if it were entirely real, but neither is this stuffed iguana I'm pretending is a dinosaur for the day. Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Okay, this is important: right before I climax I want you to yell 'The Land Before Time'. NOW -- YELL IT NOW!

Google Maps (click to see for yourself)
via
Nintendo Controller Church [buzzfeed]

Aug 12 2010 Beep-Boop: Special Edition R2-D2 Droid 2

This is a shot from Star Wars Celebration V of the special edition R2-D2 Droid 2 that's dropping in September. Ha, and you wonder why Droid users are all sexless virgins! Kidding, I'd bang anybody with an R2 phone. Psychalooloo! But seriously, I would (meet me in the bathroom -- I'll be in the stall that sounds like vomiting).

Official Site
via
r2-d2 droid 2 phone photo surfaces at star wars celebration v [technabob]

Thanks to stevie, who *beep-bop*....WTF WAS THAT?!

Aug 12 2010 Happy Birthday To Me!: Your GW Is 29 Today

Seen here representing Ratlff Sheet Metal soccer (I played dandelion picker), your GW is 29 today. God I wish I still had those socks. And shorts. Goodwill donations aside, I've got one year left till 30. Then it's a quick ride to geriatric-town and dribbling a pee-trail between the bed and bathroom at night. Kidding, I already do that (too many long car trips). So yeah, feel free to leave a comment wishing me one hell of a dino-banging year (I need all the help I can get), or a slow, painful death at the hands of robotics (I can and will kill you). I don't usually read the comments but I will these so if you have something to say, you better say it now. Also, tomorrow is International Left-Hander's Day so if I seem out of it for the next 48 hours it's because I 120% am and have probably been puking ice-cream cake. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Oh my God I'm 29,

Your Geekologie Writer

Aug 12 2010 Cool, But Can It Play Red Dead Redemption?

This is the Namba (NOT NAMBLA) Parks Building in Osaka, Japan. As you can see unless hummingbirds pecked both your retinas out, it looks like a giant (first generation) Playstation 3. Coincidence? Or conspiracy? I don't care, just as long as it can play Red Dead Redemption ON THE MOON. Aaaaand I just rode my horse off a cliff into a crater. Great. Sea of Tranquility my ass, I think I just heard a spacewolf!

Visualized: PlayStation 3 is big in Japan [engadget]

Thanks to Jeremy, whose fort looks like a fitted sheet stretched across two stools. Hey -- that's impressive too.

Aug 11 2010 Yow Yow!: Princess Peach Pin-Up, Now With 8-Bit Head And Mushroom Tramp Stamp!

We all knew Princess Peach was hot, but did anybody know she was this smokin'? God, just look at those perfectly square lips. If I had Mario's little 8-bit penis I would be all over that. But, thankfully for my love-doll, I do not. Do I, Patches? Patches -- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?! Haha, I tore it off last night to give myself a HJ? Yeah that sounds like me.

pluckylump's DeviantART
via
A Peach Of A Tramp Stamp [kotaku]

Thanks to 65W of Pure Power, who's already printed her out and hung her up by his toolbox in the garage.

Aug 11 2010 Cute: Song Lyrics As Google Map Directions

This is a little gallery of song lyrics as imagined as Google Map driving directions. They're pretty clever, but nothing compared to the genius that's stewing up in your brain. No? Nothing going on up there? I know, your parents already told me. Also that you still try to sleep between them at night. Haha, what are you, 16?!

Hit the jump for eight more.

Continue Reading " Cute: Song Lyrics As Google Map Directions "

Aug 11 2010 Man Decides To Eat His Cat, Gets Busted Marinating It In The Trunk Of His Car

Some failure at life just got arrested for marinating his cat in the trunk of his car after getting pulled over for running a stop sign. "It was just taking an aromatic bath, I swear!" Riiiiight, and I'm just about to fix your hair with my baton.

Police in Buffalo arrested 51-year-old Gary L. Korkuc after they pulled him over for blowing through a stop sign, and found four-year-old Navarro marinating in his trunk in a mixture of oil, crushed red peppers, chili pepper and salt...So why would Korkuc want to eat his cat? According to a memo from the staff at the local SPCA, obtained by the Buffalo News, Korkuc said he no longer wanted Navarro because the cat was "possessive, greedy and wasteful." He told police that Navarro was mean to him. The memo added, "Do not under any circumstances adopt to this man ever again."...Navarro has already been adopted by a family, and his new name is Oliver.

Awh, was the kitty wasteful and mean to you? You poor man, you must have forgotten IT'S A F***ING CAT. God I wish it were a more difficult process for people to get pets. AND drivers licenses. But not birth control, they need to pump that shit in the water supply.

Hit the jump for a news report about the incident, including some worthwhile reactions from neighbors.

Continue Reading " Man Decides To Eat His Cat, Gets Busted Marinating It In The Trunk Of His Car "

Aug 11 2010 I Swear To God, If My Chips Get Stuck Again: Japan's New Touchscreen Vending Machines

Japan, best known for freaky sexual fetishes and being hellbent on destroying the planet with robots, is now rolling out these fancy touchscreen vending machines. Hey -- I don't see any panties on that screen!

A new touchscreen machine called the aCure has just been installed in the bustling Shinagawa Station in Tokyo, and it's already been attracting a crowd. Featuring the huge slew of various beverages that salarymen are used to, it doesn't do anything particularly novel. But it sure looks awesome, and it's flashy.

Pfft, you think I won't beat on it just because it has a touchscreen? You're wrong. My Flamin' Hot Cheetos don't drop and that thing's gonna wish it was out of f***ing order! Just sayin', you ever seen a man dropkick a vending machine like a soccer ball before? Well you'll have to wait, because I'm just gonna cry and get my arm stuck in the chute.

Japan gets crazy touchscreen vending machines [dvice]

Aug 11 2010 Study: iPhoners Have More Sexual Partners

According to a recent study of smart phone users, people with iPhones have the most sexual partners (and VDs), followed by those with Blackberries and Androids. Non-smart phone users are all virgins.

OkCupid looked at the data hidden in the images that users uploaded as profile pictures to see which cameras were used to take them -- including smartphone cameras. With many of the site's users also having taken personality tests like "The Dating Persona Test" or "The Slut Test," which ask for a count of sexual partners, the site was able to cross-reference that data to complete the study.

In one approach, the survey sample was restricted to people aged 30. That way, differences in the usual ages of users of one smartphone type or another couldn't affect the results. Among Android users aged 30, the average man had accumulated six sexual partners in his lifetime, while the average woman had accumulated 6.1. Among BlackBerry users, the number was 8.1 for men and 8.8 for women. Male iPhone users had 10 sexual partners and female iPhone users had 12.3

Now, before all you iPhone users start tooting your own phallic little horns, don't bother. You're low-end outliers and we all know it. As a matter of fact, there's probably just one really handsome guy with an iPhone who's had sex with like eighty million dinosaurs and the rest of you are all virgins. FACE!

Hit the jump for another graph depicting number of sexual partners vs. age for the different phone users, with an unexplained increase in sexual partners after age 36. Somebody got a second wind!

Continue Reading " Study: iPhoners Have More Sexual Partners "

Aug 11 2010 ORLY?: Any Rubik's Cube Combination Can Be Solved In 20 Moves Or Less

Apparently researchers have finally discovered just how many moves it takes to solve any Rubik's Cube combination. And that number is 20. We're all sleeping well tonight!

The international team used a bank of computers at Google to help crank through the solutions.

The figure is known as "God's number" because an all-knowing entity would know the optimal number of steps needed to solve the puzzle.

"We now know for certain that the magic number is 20," Professor Morley Davidson, a mathematician from Kent State University, told BBC News.

The results suggest that there are more than 100,000 starting positions - of a possible 43 billion billion - that can be solved in exactly 20 moves.

However, the majority of solutions take between 15 and 19 moves to solve.

There you have it, straight from the the scientists who sit around thinking about toys all day (crunch some cancer numbers, God!). that said, I can solve any Rubik's Cube combination in one move, with a single finger. Two if I've been drinking and accidentally shoot myself in the pecker first. DO-OVER, I GET A DO-OVER.

Rubik's Cube quest for speedy solution comes to an end [bbc]

Thanks to Starchitect, who can solve any Rubik's cube in over 100,000 moves over the span of two years. You're a winner!

Aug 11 2010 China Set To Win Race To First 3-D Pr0n?

The race to the world's first 3-D pr0n is on, and China wants a shot at the gold! Me? I'm cool with a purple 'participant' ribbon. For fluffing.

A group of Hong Kong filmmakers have started shooting what they claim will be the world's first 3D pornographic film, a report said Sunday.

The 3.2 million-US-dollar '3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy', set for release in May, has already generated interest in a host of Asian film markets, as well as Europe and the US, the Sunday Morning Post reported.

The film chronicles the story of a young man who, after being introduced to the erotic world of a duke, realises his ex-wife is the love of his life and features "orgies, swinging and some very graphic sex scenes", the paper said.

Whoa whoa whoa -- his ex-wife is the love of his life?! Well there goes my boner. Forever. Also, I can understand the orgies and the graphic sex, but swinging? I haven't been on one since the chain broke and I fell in the mud. *somebody whispering* Haha, what do you mean "trading"? Like Pokémon cards?!

Hong Kong filmmakers shoot 'first' 3D porn film [yahoonews]

Thanks to Jagger, who filmed a 3-D pron years ago by taping a camcorder to each side of his beer helmet. F***, I need one of those!

Aug 11 2010 Later, Suckers!: How To Skip All The Other Floors When Riding In An Elevator

Has anybody ever tried this? I'd give it a go in my apartment's elevator but it smells like an old person died in there (I suspect it was the woman that lives above me). You've got to admit, this is pretty groundbreaking if it's true. God, with all you a-holes constantly floor-skipping your coworkers are gonna have to start using the stairs! And that, dear reader, is my plan for a healthier America (don't forget to mash every button and fart before diving out).

I-A-B Life Lesson #32: The Elevator Hack [iambored]

Thanks to Jackie, who always takes the stairs. I dunno, something about exercise. Girl you crazy!

Aug 10 2010 The Hops Holster, A 12-Pack Beer Bandolier

WANT. The Hops Holster holds twelve 12oz cans of liquid ammunition in their own individual koozies so you're ready to "shoot down" thirst at a moment's notice. Also works great for shotgunning(!) multiple beers in a row. Just saw "DRAW!" See what I did there?

Next time you're tailgating, camping or attending a BYOB party you can avoid those long, thirsty walks back to the cooler or the fridge by keeping a plethora of your favorite canned beers right on your chest. Warning: Wearing this holster may result in your friends using you as a human pack mule that exclusively carries beer.

Exclusively carries beer?! Then who's gonna bring the lube and condoms? NO LUBE OR CONDOMS?! What is this, a fraternity hazing? Count me in! (I already put the olive in my butt and everything)

Product Site
via
Hops Holster 12 Can Ammo Pack [likecool]

Thanks to Bazooka Jill, who, does your name have anything to do with your breas-- no? Just checking.

Aug 10 2010 No Nuggets Till 10:30?! GAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

This is a McDonald's security-cam footage of a woman who became outraged when a drive-thru attendant wouldn't sell her any McNuggets AT 6:30AM. Hey -- you've gotta wait till 10:30 just like the rest of us, nugget-whore!

A Toledo woman, Melodi Dushane, loves McNuggets. According to a Toledo police report, she loves them so much that when she found out a local McDonald's was not serving them at 6:30 AM (that's breakfast menu time, sister), she became outraged and punched the drive-thru attendant.

Not only does she punch the attendant several times, she throws an open beer bottle (shocking she had one in the car, I know) through the window before speeding off. Jesus. GET A MCGRIDDLE & OJ AND CALM THE F*** DOWN!

Hit the jump for a mug shot and the video that could have only been better with sound.

Continue Reading " No Nuggets Till 10:30?! GAAAAAAAAAAHH!! "

Aug 10 2010 Oh Come On, I'm Sure They'll Do A Great Job

What? Bells are f***ing complicated. Plus dangerous!

False Advertising of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to BigBong420, who once repaired himself with electrical tape and aquarium silicon. Are you getting this, all the kings men?!

Aug 10 2010 Pikachart: Pokémon, The Infographic

Note: This is only a lil taste of the chart, hit the jump for the whole thing.

This is an informational graphic all about the Pokémon franchise. I learned a lot reading it, but mostly that reading makes my eyes hurt. Also, I'm getting tired of informational graphics. "But GW, I've been bitching about that for months!" SHUT UP AND ONLY SPEAK WHEN SPOKEN TO. I swear, you keep it up and I'll Pokémon both your eyes out with a pool cue.

Hit it for the poster in its entirety.

Continue Reading " Pikachart: Pokémon, The Infographic "

Aug 10 2010 Wow, You Also Did It Right: Another Example Of How To Successfully Quit Your Job

First the plane-jumping flight attendant, and now a girl who quit her job via a mass-email sent to the entire office containing 33 pictures of her with messages written on a whiteboard. I don't want to ruin it for you, but you should definitely hit the jump to see the part about what her boss called her, then the link to see all 33 pictures, including how her boss likes to spend his time online. Now, before you leave a message in the comments offering to hire her -- no, she doesn't want your lap-sitting job. But I do ;)

UPDATE: HOAX FROM THE CHIVE. CANNOT TRUST, NEVER POSTING FROM AGAIN.

Hit the jump, then the link. Seriously, you'll want to quit today.

Continue Reading " Wow, You Also Did It Right: Another Example Of How To Successfully Quit Your Job "

Aug 10 2010 Don't Tell Cookie Monster!: Magical 'Meta Cookie' Tastes Like Your Favorite Flavor

Sure you have to wear this ridiculous hat, but that's a small price to pay to taste any flavor cookie you want. God I hope it comes preloaded with all the Girl Scout flavors! Plus pot brownies! Kidding, they always end up tasting like shit.

Scientist Tajuki Narumi and a team from the University of Tokyo created this unusual contraption called the "Meta Cookie". The device combines augmented reality software with a camera and head-mounted display to project a simulated image of the cookie of your choice onto a host cookie (for texture). Then, air pumps blow the aroma of a specified cookie directly into your nostrils, convincing your brain that you're eating a totally different cookie.

There's a thirty-second video explaining the technology again after the jump, but you've got to admit this is pretty awesome. We're one step closer to eating all our meals in pill form! Oooor having a friend blow diarrhea smell up your nose while you're eating crackers. Win/winvomit!

Hit the jump for the short video.

Continue Reading " Don't Tell Cookie Monster!: Magical 'Meta Cookie' Tastes Like Your Favorite Flavor "

Aug 10 2010 It's Mine!: The Evil Dead Fake Blood Recipe

This is the recipe used for all the fake blood in The Evil Dead, per Bruce Campbell's autobiography. Now I've always made my fake blood with Karo syrup and red food coloring, but I've never used the creamer or blue before. I have been known to mix in a couple cups of bourbon though! But you could probably do without it if you're going for virgin blood. Get it? Like a Shirley Temple!

RECIPE FOR FAKE BLOOD USED IN THE EVIL DEAD [moviemiscellany]

Thanks to Cantara, who's trying to fake her own death at work today. Good luck!

Aug 10 2010 Flight Attendant Quits Job In Style (Including Beer Snatching And Emergency Slide Exit)

Steven Slater, seen here stroking a flying phallus, is a 20-year veteran of flight attendant-ry who just couldn't take it anymore. So what did he do? What any self-respecting attendant of the skies would: jumped out of a moving plane.

One passenger stood up to fetch belongings from the overhead compartment before the crew had given permission. Mr. Slater instructed the person to remain seated. The passenger defied him. Mr. Slater approached and reached the passenger just as the person pulled down the luggage, which struck Mr. Slater in the head.

Mr. Slater asked for an apology. The passenger instead cursed at him. Mr. Slater got on the plane's public address system and cursed out the passenger.

Then, the authorities said, he pulled the lever that activates the emergency-evacuation chute and slid down, making a dramatic exit not only from the plane but, one imagines, also from his airline career.

On his way out the door, he paused to grab a beer from the beverage cart. Then he ran to the employee parking lot and drove off, the authorities said.

YES! Now THAT is how you quit a job. Pfft, and I thought dipping my manager's hand in a deep fryer was good. You, sir, have taught me a thing or two about terminating employment. Beer, that's what I was missing.

Fed-Up Flight Attendant Makes Sliding Exit [nytimes]
and
JetBlue Flight Attendant Uses Emergency Slide to Escape Dispute [nytimes]

Thanks to Ed and lil co., who would have raided the airplane bottles as well because they're classy.

Aug 10 2010 That's Just Disgusting: Fly Leg Eyelashes

Fly leg eyelashes. Gross. I'd rather have a horse's penis for a nose.

Granted, flylashes was just a sculptural video, but putting fly legs on your eyes is still gross. As Harrison puts it, "Flylashes was intended as a play on the format of the Chimera, highlighting the use of the fly in the investigation of genetics and its similarity to the structure of human DNA." Also, she mentions that no flies were killed for the making of this video

"...highlighting the use of the fly i the investigation of genetics and its similarity to the structure of human DNA"? No. You're just being nasty and we all know it. That said, I did just glue a pair of butterfly wings to my eyelids and I do feel like a magic forest fairy. THE HARDEST CORE ONE EVER. Tug my nose for a wish!

Hit the jump for a video of a girl who can't stop blinking.

Continue Reading " That's Just Disgusting: Fly Leg Eyelashes "

Aug 9 2010 I Miss Shark Week: Shark Bytes Infographic

IMAGE REMOVED

Note: This is only a small portion of the graphic, click HERE to see the whole thing in all its toothy glory.

Well, with Discovery Channel's Shark Week over it's another 51 weeks of depression until I'm back to fantasizing about dying in the jaws of a giant shark again. I know, I should just get a DVR. Too bad that shit's like $10 extra/month. They already try to charge me $1.60/month to rent a remote! WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I MADE THEM RUN ENOUGH COAX CABLE SO I CAN SET THE BOX IN MY LAP. Who's laughing now, Time Warner?! (I think my balls are on fire)

shark week summed up in one infographic [technabob]

Thanks to Christian, who won't even go swimming in an above-ground pool now. Hey, I don't blame you.

Aug 9 2010 DONKEY KONG PLAYING DONKEY KONG!!

Somewhere, a new universe was just born. Okay maybe not, but only because DK here chose to play Pokémon instead of his self-titled release. Way to go.

On August 6, amateur photographer Chris Spicuzza was spending her day at the San Francisco Zoo, taking photos of the gorillas. While she was there, a kid accidentally dropped his Nintendo DSi XL into their habitat. Curiously, one of the big gorillas grabbed it, and started to play with it.

Finally, the sightly battered console was rescued by a zoo employee, probably sporting a big mustache, a red cap and red overalls.

Five words: you're a terrible f***ing parent. You let your child play their DS at the zoo?! YOU'RE AT THE GOTDAMN ZOO, THAT'S THEIR ENTERTAINMENT!! Kids need to see animals crapping and having sex. It's vital to cognitive development!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots.

Continue Reading " DONKEY KONG PLAYING DONKEY KONG!! "

Aug 9 2010 It's A New Naked Roller Coastering Record!, Or: How A Loopty-Loop Ruined My Johnson

In 'those are definitely not the people I want to see naked riding a roller coaster' news, there was a new nude coastering record set over the weekend in Essex, England, during a fundraiser for breast cancer. Wow, just imagine all those penises and boobies (link NSFW) floppin' around everywhere! I know, hypnotizing.

A total of 102 people met at Adventure Island in Southend to ride the Green Scream without clothes.

The rollercoaster ran three times to accommodate the bumper crowd of nudes, event organiser Tracy Jones said.

The naked riders raised £22,000 (~$35K) for Southend Hospital's breast care unit

Great job, guys. I love breasts and it breaks my heart to even see a single tit fall prey to cancer. GET EM CHECKED, LADIES. Early detection is the key. And, if you're not comfortable doing it yourself, get a friend to help. Breast friends forever!\

Naked rollercoaster 'record broken' in Essex [bbcnews] (with video report)

Thanks to Camille, who once rode a unicorn topless.

Aug 9 2010 Outerspace Just Got A Whole Lot Blacker: Lando Calrissian Is Blackstar Warrior

This is Blackstar Warrior, a fake movie trailer in the style of Shaft. It stars Lando Calrissian whipping the Galactic Empire's ass while being all smooth-talkin' and suave. God, I wish I could be more like that. And not just so I could feel up on some fine-ass booty, but I have only felt my own and it is as dimply as it is pimply. Just kidding anybody that knows me personally!

Hit the jump for the trailer.

Continue Reading " Outerspace Just Got A Whole Lot Blacker: Lando Calrissian Is Blackstar Warrior "

Aug 9 2010 I Knew It!: Maslow's Hierarchy Of Robot Needs

This is Maslow's Heirarchy of Robot Needs as imagined by artist/Flickr user lunchbreath. Jesus that smells onion-y aside, he was right on the money with the hierarchy. It's true: robots strive to destroy humans, it's in their DNA. Or, you know, whatever the hell robots have. Metal peckers.

lunchbreath's Flickr

Thanks to JustGil, who may have just renamed his band JustGil and the Metal Peckers. I want a cut of ticket sales!

Aug 9 2010 Cartography!: The Map Of Social Networking

Note: I know, I thought it was a treasure map too. Click HERE to see the thing in all it's "WAIT, WHERE'S THE X?" glory.

This is the 2010 Social Networking Map. From a quick glance I imagine most of you reside in the lower left portion, somewhere in The Sea of Desperation between the land of Youporn and The Island of Trolls. But who knows, maybe you spent your last $30 on a raft and set sail for a better life. Ooooor blew it on a a porn site subscription and are drowning in the Sea of Master Debaters. Do I know you or what?!

The 2010 Social Networking Map [flowtown]
via
Infographic of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Andrea, who probably lives on the border between Facebook and Twitter.

Aug 9 2010 New Sharpie Remains Erasable For 3 Days

Well folks, it's finally happened: mechanical pencils and markers are breeding. What's next, paperclip/staple orgies? NOT IN MY DESK DRAWER! Haha, like I have a desk!

Sharpie has combined the permanence of a pen with the erasability of a pencil with their new Liquid Pencil. The "ink" inside this pen is a liquid graphite that stays erasable for three days. After that, it turns to ink and stays permanent.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you're thinking, "holy shit, how can I use this to forge documents and steal from old ladies?" you are! Well -- did you come up with anything? Oh, OH --- I've got it!:

Please sign below to claim your bingo prize.

X ________________________________

Then after they sign it we erase all the writing and replace it with, "All your property are belong to us". BOOM -- we're rich! But just in case, plan B: you club them with a sockful of Buckyballs and I steal the money from under their mattresses.

Sharpie's Liquid Pencil stays erasable for three days before turning permanent [dvice]

Aug 9 2010 08.09.10 -- Happy Sequential Day!

Today is 08.09.10, making it Sequential Day 2010. Honestly, I didn't even know Sequential Day existed until now which is surprising because I'm always looking for an excuse to party my panties off. Kidding, my panties are always off. Anyway, if you choose to subscribe to that other day-first, month-second style of dating you get nothing today. Not even a lunch break, so don't even think about leaving your desk. Bathroom breaks are out too. And, since there can be only one Sequential Day a year, there will be no celebrating September 8th. So yeah, way to go. To misquote the last knight from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade after Donovan's dumbass drinks from the wrong cup: "You chose poorly". *insert you shriveling up and turning to dust here*

Happy Sequential Day [thisisnthappiness]

Thanks to Desktop Icon, who may or may not be disguised as a recycling bin this very second.

Aug 6 2010 These Tubes Are Old!: Vintage Website Ads

This is one in a series of vintage ads for current websites as imagined by Brazilian advertising agency Moma. Mmmm, I can almost smell the old magazines.

the ads were designed for an upcoming media seminar with the overall theme of "what's new today, is old tomorrow", so they retro stylized Facebook, Youtube and Skype (and Twitter, not in English).

Oh man, I love looking at vintage ads. Especially the underwear ones. There's no telling what kind of crazy-ass bush is lurking behind those granny panties!

Hit the jump for the other three.

Continue Reading " These Tubes Are Old!: Vintage Website Ads "

Aug 6 2010 Confessing Your Love With A Tetris Simile

This is a love note some girl wrote a boy confessing her feelings for him through the use of a literary device known as the Tetris simile. I was about to tear her apart for claiming that's about to be a Tetris in the picture when there are clearly pieces missing, but then I realized she just used super-hard-to-see pink marker. Terrible color choice aside, I happen to have an exclusive on the boy's reply. *clearing throat* It reads:

You know the feeling you get right before you bang some random prosty in Grand Theft Auto?

Yea, I don't wanna give that up.

SNAP! Better luck next time you block droppin', unrequited love-bird!

Love Note WIN [failblog]

Thanks to martin, Shenanigans, and ponchovilla, who, you know that feeling you get when you sit down to pee and your wiener touches the inside of the bowl? That's how you make me feel.

Aug 6 2010 You'll Never Read Fortunes!: Avatar Prediction

This is an excerpt from a bathroom book printed like ten years ago that states that Avatar will probably never make it to the big screen. Hoho, little did they know. That said, I never actually got around to seeing it. Does that make me cooler than you? No. But it does make me $10 richer. Suck pocket lint, peasants -- that's vinyl toy money!

Avatar: Never Gonna Happen [tosh.0]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who was convinced Jurassic Park was never going to be a movie until he was actually in the theater having his f***ing mind blown away.

Aug 6 2010 Awh -- Don't Be So Hard On Yourself, Mario

Relax, they're bad guys, bro. They work for Bowser. They're not even worth burying. God, if I beat myself up every time I stomped an enemy I'd be in the ICU all the f***ing time. And not just because I like the pudding, but I did contact the food distributor and they won't sell to individuals. Long story short: I want you to stab me with this ninja sword. But only deep enough so they keep me over the weekend. Oh shit, wait -- help me install my catheter first. Huh? What's it look like -- it's a McDonald's straw. Now on the count of three I want you to jab it in my penis like a Capri Sun.

Mario [maneggs]
via
Mario Cartoon [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Allo and Kake, who would have dug up that goomba and stolen his wallet. Damn -- ya'll cold!

Aug 6 2010 Soviet Special Olympics: Keyboard Tossing

This is a short video of the keyboard throwing portion of the Soviet Special Olympics. Now I don't want to ruin it for you, but suffice it to say contestant number three gets disqualified. And not for doping either, although you and I both know he was on the vodkas. I don't care what they say, alcohol IS a performance enhancing drug. I do everything better when I've been drinking, including look handsome. *running fingers through hair* Haha, is this vomit?

Hit it for the QWERTY fun.

Continue Reading " Soviet Special Olympics: Keyboard Tossing "

Aug 6 2010 Paper Cuts!: Fun Facts About South Park

This is an informational graphic all about South Park. Except this is by no means the whole thing so you need to hit the jump to see it in its entirety. It's like if my penis was a Geekologie article there's no way I could post it on the front page without it crushing all the other articles and then flopping out of the monitor onto your keyboard. Yes, exactly like that. But with more angels singing and fireworks going off in your eyeballs.

Hit it for the interestingly informational graphic.

Continue Reading " Paper Cuts!: Fun Facts About South Park "

Aug 6 2010 Never Be Late Again: A 367MPH Jet-Schoobus

That's right, a jet-powered school bus that tops out at 367MPH. Wow, just imagine what they could have done with the short bus I used to ride. I can see it now: "Liftoff in 3...2...DAMMIT GW -- STOP LICKING THE SEAT AND PUT YOUR HELMET BACK ON!"

Indy Boys Inc, an Indianapolis-based group of gear-heads, has fitted a jet engine from a warplane to an iconic yellow school bus. It may not be the fastest ground vehicle out there, but at 367mph and with its 80-foot-long plume of flame, it's quite the sight.

The bus guzzles a whopping 150 gallons of fuel in a quarter of a mile thanks to its 42,000 horsepower jet engine, which was taken from a Phantom fighter jet.

"I built the bus for two reasons. The first is to entertain people because, come on, it's a jet bus," Stender said, concluding, "The second, is to keep kids off drugs. Jets are hot, drugs are not."

Huh? How the hell is a jet-powered schoolbus supposed to keep kids off drugs? That's like trying to convince kids to just say no by building a full-size, functional catapult that launches 3-D laser lightshows. They were practically made to be watched high. Back me up, Spongebob!

Hit the jump for a worthwhile video of the flamin' bus in action.

Continue Reading " Never Be Late Again: A 367MPH Jet-Schoobus "

Aug 6 2010 Is That The Exhaust Pipe?: Car Seller On eBay Accidentally Uploads Picture Of His Wiener

Note: Click HERE for the probably NSFW shot of the part of a wiener that connects to the body. What is that even called, the trunk?

Apparently a British man trying to sell his 1996 MG MFT on eBay accidentally uploaded a risque picture meant for his Craigslist man-seeking-anything ad. Hoho, sometimes sex doesn't sell, buddy!

This lunchtime, the semi-naked sports convertible owner wrote:

Please note one of the pictures uploaded was NOT meant to be!

I cant delete it (wish I could) apologies ,I feel some what embarrassed.

Now I hate to accuse this guy of blatant exhibitionism, but come on. Nobody accidentally includes pictures of their dingaling in an eBay action. Nice try though, pervert. No, the best way to sneak your junk onto eBay is with a super-closeup so people can't tell what they're looking at. Just be sure to include a view-counter for the auction so you know how many unsuspecting shoppers you subjected to your wiener. Oh, and for the 471 people that eBayed 'Heavy-Duty Wrecking Equipment' last week: those were my nuts!

eBay car vendor flashes wedding tackle [theregister]

Thanks to Rev Dr Dom, who's so drunk he can't even spell his last name anymore. Two O's!

Aug 5 2010 That Made It So Much Better: Brick-Washing Washing Machine Gets Anthropomorphized

Remember the washing machine that failed to clean a brick? Well here it is again with a face. Not so funny now, is it? Yes, yes it is too. As a matter of fact, it's even funnier. Unfortunately, all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put the washer back together again and have all been wearing the same stinky, skid-marked drawls for almost a month now. It's true, Robin Hood even puked trying to rob them.

Hit it for the most worthwhile video I've seen in a long time.

Continue Reading " That Made It So Much Better: Brick-Washing Washing Machine Gets Anthropomorphized "

Aug 5 2010 Vulcan Neck Pain: Today's Work Safety PSA Brought To You By Spock And Uhura

I lay in bed all day with a laptop burning my genitals so I don't have a neck-craning problem when it comes to viewing my monitor. No, what I have is a giant gut in the way which is why I've learned to read the screen upside-down and backwards using the sex-mirror I double-sided taped to the ceiling. Constant headaches aside, maybe you sit on a throne with your monitor perched atop a TV-dinner stand. That's not good for your posture. You should learn a thing or two from Uvula here and adjust your seat for maximum bodily comfort. That way you don't turn into Quasimodo later in life. I don't care what Disney says, nobody loves a hunchback.

Don't be a Spock - Adjust your monitor height [xadamdx]
via
Don't Be a Spock, Follow Uhura's Monitor Example [gizmodo]

Thanks to Joseph and picador, who don't ever experience neck strain because they have computer monitors in their sunglasses. What they do experience is accidentally masturbating in public.

Aug 5 2010 NSFW Rap Attempts To Tear Into Purveyors Of Geek Culture (With Questionable Results)

Note: Video after the jump is VERY NSFW due to language and subtitles. Also, it may spoil the end of LOST if you haven't seen it (the smoke monster kills everybody).

This is a rap song by duo Sidecar entitled 'You F***ed It Up', which basically consists of two whinny twinks complaining about how everything they've ever loved about geek culture is eventually shat on. Granted they did make one or two valid points, but the rest of the song is just two crybabies being crybabies and trying to solicit free fellatio. Give it up, guys, it doesn't work! What you need to do is solicit some damn weed and calm the f*** down. Or, if you're really hellbent on the blow-j's, 34½ x 2. Just sayin', you are a duo!

Hit the jump for almost 6-minutes of NSFWery.

Continue Reading " NSFW Rap Attempts To Tear Into Purveyors Of Geek Culture (With Questionable Results) "

Aug 5 2010 You Went To School For That?!: Scientist's Exciting First Glimpse Of Whale Shark Doodie

Seen here dropping like a billion kids off in the deep-end of the pool, whale sharks are mysterious leviathans of the sea. And now, thanks to one man's quest to collect their doodie, some questions might finally get answered. LOLWUT?!

Georgia Aquarium zoologist Alistair Dove snapped the photograph from the window of a Cessna plane during a recent research trip to the Gulf of Mexico, where he studies whale sharks. He's been less successful in capturing whale shark defecation in the water, though not for lack of trying. It's hard to keep up with the fast-cruising giants, and their deposits fall quickly. And for a zoologist like Dove, the feces are research treasure.

Dove estimated the main plume in the photograph to be 30 feet long and 20 feet wide, and the smaller about 8 feet by 10 feet. If it's three feet thick, the nutrient slurry would have a volume of 2,000 cubic feet. "Imagine you've got a big aggregation, dozens or hundreds of whale sharks, doing this all at the same time. That's a lot of nutrients," he said. Dove hopes to collect samples from just such a group.

"Nobody has done this analysis yet," said Dove, who referenced a scene from Jurassic Park, when Laura Dern's character is ecstatic at the chance to poke through a pile of dinosaur droppings. "It could be a literal gold mine."

A literal gold mine! WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME?! So check it, here's my new get-rich-quick scheme: 1. I find a whale shark and force-feed that f***er beans until it looks like it's about to explode. 2. ??? (Possibly involving a gold shit-cloud the size of a football field) 3. Profit. See you in Forbes, suckers!

Hit the jump for a closeup in case you don't know what a whale shark looks like.

Continue Reading " You Went To School For That?!: Scientist's Exciting First Glimpse Of Whale Shark Doodie "

Aug 5 2010 What If?: Halo Were Made For The Atari 2600

Ed Fries (possibly of Mickey D's Fry Guys) went and made a playable version of Halo 2600, a throwback to what it would have been like to play Halo on the Atari 2600. Honestly, I couldn't tell the difference between this version and the one for the XBox, but maybe some of you harder-core gamers can pick out some minor nuances. Whatever the case, I made it to the second level before a zebra shot me in the face and I tore all the keys off my laptop in a fit of rage.

Halo 2600 [codemystics] (go here to play)

Thanks to John, Michael and T.J., who agree oldschool is the best school.

Aug 5 2010 Laser Swords!: Every Lightsaber Ignition & Retraction From All Of Star Wars In 2:30

This is allegedly a video of every lightsaber ignition/retraction from all the Star Wars films (including the shitty ones). I say allegedly because I have no idea if it actually is and God knows I'm not going to spend the time to find out. Research: I don't do it. Now experimental drug testing, that's different. $20 and I'll eat any pill you give me provided it doesn't make my penis smell like sausage (I have two hungry dogs and I'm a heavy sleeper).

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Laser Swords!: Every Lightsaber Ignition & Retraction From All Of Star Wars In 2:30 "

Aug 5 2010 Who Knew?: Zombies Are Classy People

This is a little cartoon by Sean Bieri proving that some zombies are about more than just eating brains -- some actually use theirs. Except for that poor schmuck on the end. That's like a zombie GW. Except zombie GW would probably be snacking on a turd thinking it was brains. Mmmm, braaaaiiins!! "Zombie GW, that's a turd." Oh yeah? Then why'd it come on a silver platter, hmm? Riddle me that! "It's called a bedpan, now go wash your mouth out with lye."

Cartoon

Thanks to Uncle Stalin, who taught me everything I know about standing in a bread line.

Aug 5 2010 Charge!: The Sims: Medieval Coming Soon

Apparently there's a new Sims game coming out that's entirely based in medieval times. That's pretty much all the information I have right now except I'm gonna be a powerful wizard with a dragon mount that I can and will use to torch your whole f***ing castle and kidnap the princess. Kidding, I don't play Sims games. And not because I think less of the people that do, but because I can't even manage my real life well enough to warrant starting an online one. So I really do admire all of you that have your shit together enough to be able to. Seriously. Haha, what do you mean you don't know where your kids are?

Official Site (with more info coming soon)

Thanks to Erika, who can't wait to catapult herself over the castle wall and kill your king.

Aug 4 2010 How To: Safely Dispose Of Dead Satellites

According to Dr. Kristen Gates, all we need to do is attach a giant drag-causing balloon to the defunct spacejunk, then sit back and watch it burn as it slowly enters the earth's atmosphere. Interesting concept Doctor, but I suggest we keep exploring our options until we come up with something that involves a powerful burning laser.

The "GOLD" envelope she's proposing -- or the Gossamer Orbit Lowering Device -- is basically the toughest balloon in the world. It's sent up to orbit in a box no larger than a suitcase, and then it's fastened to a dead satellite or a piece of space junk. After that? It inflates into a massive balloon, enveloping whatever it's designed to lower.

Lower into the atmosphere, that is, where the piece of debris will burn up and trouble the Earth's orbit no more. The balloon's size amplifies the amount of drag acting on the space junk already, which slowly decays an object's orbit.

Sure we could just use boring round balloons, or we could -- wait for it -- use giant balloon animals. You know how many people would buy telescopes just to see a giant wiener dog dragging a dead satellite to its fiery death? I'm talking double-digits.

Giant 'GOLD' balloon takes down dangerous orbital debris [dvice]

Aug 4 2010 Oh God No: A Stair-Climbing LEGO Robot

This is a video of X2 (who looks suspiciously like the illegitimate buttchild of Johnny 5 and WALL-E), an AUTONOMOUS robot built from a LEGO Mindstorms NXT set that can climb and descend stairs on it's own. We aren't even safe upstairs anymore! Do I have your attention now? Good, I'm the world's greatest lover. But that's not the point. The point is -- wait -- no that was the point. The lovemakin': I'm good at it. Just thought you should know in case you're writing my biography. Also, put something in there about how I once tamed a volcano with my sexual prowess. WHICH I DID DO. Didn't I, Mount St. Helens? I lava you.

Hit the jump for a 4-minute video that you should really only watch 30-seconds of.

Continue Reading " Oh God No: A Stair-Climbing LEGO Robot "

Aug 4 2010 But Can They Freeze & Shatter Opponents?: Antarctic Octopuses With Sub-Zero Venom

Okay so maybe Antarctica isn't the desolate wasteland I've always imagined it to be. Yes, yes it is too and there's nothing you can say that'll change my mind. But in the water, well, that's a whole nother can of worms tentacles.

A research expedition to Antarctica to study the region's octopus life has returned with descriptions of four new species, and the first known sub-zero venoms.

"Antarctic octopus venom works at temperatures that would stop other venoms in their tracks," said biochemist Bryan Fry of the University of Melbourne, who led the expedition.

Antarctic octopuses eat a wide variety of animals, from clams to fish. They catch their prey with their tentacles and use their venom to kill them, much like snakes.

The venoms are being studied as potential sources of pain-killers, Fry said, because they work on the nervous system. So far, analysis of the venom has revealed two toxins that are new to science.

The scientists still don't know what biochemical tricks the octopuses use to keep their venom working at freezing temperatures.

Now if I was a spy I'd be on a plane to Antarctica right this second to get my hands on some of these octopi. That way I could kill my enemies with poison they don't even know exists. Are you getting this, 007? Haha, what do you mean "not now, I'm having sex"? WHO'S IN THERE WITH YOU -- OCTOPUSSY? That's it, you better cover yourselves -- I'm coming in! *kicks down door* Goldfinger! WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Hit the jump for more Antarctic octopus pictures than you could shake a chopstick at! (Provided you can't shake a chopstick at more than four)

Continue Reading " But Can They Freeze & Shatter Opponents?: Antarctic Octopuses With Sub-Zero Venom "

Aug 4 2010 Precious: The Cutest Lil Star Wars Cosplayers

How cute is that? This is right up there with mini-Mega Man, Chun Lil' and, shit, even that six-pound horse. I don't care if you're the gotdamn Grinch, you've gotta admit this makes your heart at least a half-size bigger. Now put those antlers back on your dog and steal me some presents!

Mini Leia & R2D2 IRL [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Marky Mark, who has apparently ditched the Funky Bunch. And to David B., who's gonna try to replace them. Remember, David: funky fresh, that's the key.

Aug 4 2010 The Chinese Bus That Can Run Over Cars

Well, not actually run over them like Bigfoot or Grave Digger would, but it can drive over them. Although that's not actually the purpose. The purpose is so that cars can drive under, thus eliminating bus-stop related traffic jams.

Instead of spending millions to widen roads, the Shenzhen Huashi Future Parking Equipment company is developing a "3D Express Coach" (also called a "three-dimensional fast bus") that will allow cars less than 2 meters high to travel underneath the upper level carrying passengers.

The model looks like a subway or light-rail train bestriding the road. It is 4-4.5 m high with two levels: passengers board on the upper level while other vehicles lower than 2 m can go through under. Powered by electricity and solar energy, the bus can speed up to 60 km/h carrying 1200-1400 passengers at a time without blocking other vehicles' way. Also it costs about 500 million yuan to build the bus and a 40-km-long path for it, only 10% of building equivalent subway. It is said that the bus can reduce traffic jams by 20-30%.

Whoa whoa whoa -- 1,200 - 1,400 passengers at a time? THAT'S ONE F*** OF A BUS! The last time I rode public transportation I had to stand and there were only 30 people! Granted my wiener was hanging out the bottom of my shorts and people kept scooching to take up more room, but I didn't know that. I chalked it up to obesity.

Hit the jump for several more pictures and a 6-minute conceptual video of the bus in action that I didn't watch.

Continue Reading " The Chinese Bus That Can Run Over Cars "

Aug 4 2010 The Masterpiece, It Nears Completion!: Avatar Tattoo Guy Gets Neytiri #6

Note: High-res shot HERE in case you're a concerned dermatologist.

Seen here proving symmetrically-sized tattoos are for backhairless pussies, Avatar tattoo guy just got finished getting Neytiri #6 (lower right). Per some comments he's posted on the Avatar fan board:

lol and yes being call mr avatar here at my work aswell oh you should show your co workers my back i wonder the opinions

as you see me and my back im going to be the only person on earth that will have there back fully done with neytiri and the navi pattern CRAZY well maybe but i dont care what people think

like i said im going for no white /freckles if i can

That's right folks, straight from the horse's Navi's mouth: he's going for 100% complete back coverage. Wow. Thanks, Avatar tattoo guy -- thanks for reminding us all to dream big. Or is it dream blue? Wet dream about big blue kitty-people? I can't cheat on the Smurfs!

Avatar Community on Typepad

Thanks to Steve, who holding out on Avatar tattoos until the sequel comes out just in case more awesome characters are introduced. Smart thinking.

Aug 4 2010 Good Enough To Lick: A Marvel Pedicure

Note: Full-res shot HERE.

I love toes. Like, I have a toe fetish. Feet are f***ing disgusting, but some sexy-ass painted toenails? Mmmm mmmm MMMM! One time I even licked my girlfriend's toes so feverishly all her nails grew ingrown. True story. No, not it's not either. But I did nibble on a bunion once. Okay, now I'm even disgusting myself. Flossing with toe-knuckle hair till my gums bleed aside, this is some chick's Marvel-themed pedicure job. Each toe represents a different Marvel character like Samus Aran and Solid Snake except not them because I think those are DC characters. What? NO THEY DIDN'T CHECK MY GEEK CREDENTIALS.

My MARVELous toes [reddit]

Thanks to lil co., who has the only toes I'd consider licking. And I'm talking about in the cracks and everything. Your toejam: I want it! Whoa whoa whoa -- nobody called you, Earl.

Aug 4 2010 Hmm, That BioErgonomic Pen Looks Familiar

This is a pen that looks like a penis. It's supposed to be particularly ergonomic or something, but I don't buy it. What I do buy are pens that don't look like wieners.

This BioErgonomic pen is shaped to better fit in the hands. The squatter base helps it rests between the fingers and that bump keeps it from slipping. Designer Mohsen Tafazzoly admits "usage probability for women is higher than men."

Riiiiight, because I'm sure women are just dying to write with a pen-is, like that doesn't scream promiscuous. Hey Judy mind if I borrow your -- nevermind, that looks like a johnson. WHORE, OUR RECEPTIONIST IS A WHORE EVERYBODY.

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots in case you're having trouble imaging what a penis-shaped pen looks like from other angles.

Continue Reading " Hmm, That BioErgonomic Pen Looks Familiar "

Aug 3 2010 Pew Pew Pew Pew!: 15,000 Firework Rounds

What do you get when you take 500 30-shot fireworks and set them all off at the same time? Haha, besides an opportunity to call 911? Yes -- this video. It takes a little while to get going, but when it does, oh boy, when it does. Almost makes me want to tape a bunch to the hood of my car like a tank and see if I can't get my neighbor to surrender his pool to me for the rest of the summer. *yelling through megaphone* THIS AIN'T SOME THREE LITTLE PIGS FAIRY TALE, MR. JENKINS -- I CAN AND WILL BLOW YOUR SHIT DOWN. YOU HEAR ME?! You have one minute to hoist a pair of water wings as a sign of surrender. Also, I hope it doesn't sway your decision but I am going to have sex in the shallow end.

Hit the jump for the pyrotechnics in action.

Continue Reading " Pew Pew Pew Pew!: 15,000 Firework Rounds "

Aug 3 2010 ZOMG, It's Like Working At Chuck E. Cheese!

Welcome to Cubicle Funland, the happiest place on earth to work. Don't feel like making the trek to the bathroom? Just pee in the ballpit -- your kids do it! Speaking of which: did I ever tell you when I was a kid I used to play treasure hunter and dive to the bottom of the pit to pick up all the things other children dropped? Lots of deuces.

Best Cubicle Ever [reddit]
via
The Daily What

Thanks to Alan, who works at the fair and claims all the games are rigged. What?! Say it ain't so a-whoa-whoa! Your drug is a heartbreaker! Say it ain't so a-whoa-whoa. My love is a life-taker!

Aug 3 2010 Oh, OH -- Spirit Fingers! Transformer Hands!

This is a video of a couple kids using their webcam's mirror effect to make Transformer shadow puppets. Minus the shadows. Granted it sounds stupid as hell but they actually do a surprisingly good job and I think I made out at least two recognizable faces. Plus a pig's head. Totally saw a talking pig's head. Now transform and roll stop freaking me out!

Hit it for 30-seconds of fingering fun!

Continue Reading " Oh, OH -- Spirit Fingers! Transformer Hands! "

Aug 3 2010 I Believe!: Star Trek 'Jesus Fish' Car Emblem

This is a Starship Enterprise car emblem in the style of the 'Jesus Fish', 'Darwin Walking Fish', 'Dino Eating the Jesus Fish' and 'Sci-Fi' car emblems. They cost $8 from ThinkGeek and look great on a Prius. But that's it. Don't bother buying one if you drive anything else, because it will look like shit. Plus Klingons will key your car.

ThinkGeek Product Site

Thanks to Cristen and scuttlefish, who made Millennium Falcon car emblems but George Lucas got his leak-proof Depends in a bunch about them and now they're stuck with a garage full of things they can't sell.

Aug 3 2010 What Happens When You Throw A Big-Ass Brick In A Washing Machine On Spin Cycle

This is a video of a man throwing a giant brick into a running washing machine. Can you guess what happens? If you answered, "it eats the brick and turns into a monster", congratulations, you might be five. Just watch the video. Then write a letter to Consumer Reports calling them a bunch of unscientific hacks for never including a brick test in their reports. EVERYTHING NEEDS THE BRICK TEST, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS. Camcorders, car seats, carpet cleaners -- smash that shit with a brick dammit! What? I'm trying to make an informed purchase decision over here!

Hit the jump for a very worthwhile 30-seconds.

Continue Reading " What Happens When You Throw A Big-Ass Brick In A Washing Machine On Spin Cycle "

Aug 3 2010 Okay -- I'll Pretend I'm A Sarlacc, You Throw All These Star Wars Cupcakes Down My Gullet

Note: Slightly larger image HERE.

These are some impressive looking Star Wars cupcakes by Flickr user lclllc. They kind of have a LEGO vibe to them but maybe that's just me. Also just me: a birthday on the 12th. Kidding, I'm sure there's at least two of us. But that's not the point, the point is I want cupcakes. And by cupcakes I mean an ice cream cake. And by ice cream cake I mean just a bowl of the chocolate cracklins that come in ice cream cakes. I'm going to eat them out of a bowl with milk just like cereal. Which -- HOLY SHIT. Hello, General Mills? Hold on to your Honey Nut Clusters, I'm bout to drop a Boo Berry bomb on your ass. You ready? Check it: ICE CREAM CAKE CRACKLINS CEREAL! Well -- did you just Cocoa Puff your pants or what? OMG, me too!

lclllc's Flickr
via
Amazing Star Wars Cupcakes [craftzine]

Thanks to Christina, who agrees I should get bonus journalistic integrity points for making sure all the cereals I used are, in fact, General Mills brand.

Aug 3 2010 Roads? Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads: Tokyoflash's Latest, The Kisai Traffic

Most people don't wear watches anymore because they use their cell phone to tell time, but what happens when Skynet brings down the entire telecommunication system? You're gonna be running around with your head between your legs wondering why everything smells like butthole, that's what! Aaaaand that's why I still wear a watch. Introducing the Kisai Traffic from Tokyoflash. It looks like a city map!

Hours 1-12 are the city streets in blue, 5 minute intervals are shown along the subway line in orange and single minutes 1-4 are the highway out of town in green. After touching the button, lights showing the current time will flash for a seven seconds to direct you.

Recharge (USB) when the power is low and you'll be bright and fast enough to beat the lights at the next intersection. One full charge takes 3.5 hours and each charge should last 1 month. There are 300 charges in one battery and the battery is easily replaceable.

The watch sells for $170 and is available now to provide that much needed "icebreaker" when trying to strike up a convo with the ladies. Alternatively, actually break ice (AND NOT WIND). And not glass either although I do know it looks a lot like ice when you've been drinking. Hey lady, hey lady -- watch this -- I'm gonna jump through that wall of ice. "That's a windo--" *CRASH!*

Hit the jump for another shot and a diagram explaining how to read the time.

Continue Reading " Roads? Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads: Tokyoflash's Latest, The Kisai Traffic "

Aug 3 2010 Ah, The Memories: Oregon Trail, The Movie

This is a well-made faux trailer for Oregon Trail, the movie. For those of you that don't know, Oregon Trail was an awesome educational computer game made back in the mid-70's with graphics that rival Crysis and a storyline that could make Final Fantasies VII and X take turns(!) tugging each other's peripherals. That said, if anybody does end up making a full-length Oregon Trail and you're actually thinking about seeing it, I'll go ahead and save you $10. Everyone dies of dysentery. Hoho -- bet you didn't see that one coming! *UPPERCUT* Haha, or that one. I'm gonna wear your teeth on a charm bracelet!

Click any one of these words to watch the movie over at IWatchstuff.

Thanks to Martin, who regularly sends me tips from Iwatchstuff because he thinks I'm special needs. Thanks Martin, I am is the thing. And to BigRye, who tried fording the river when he knew he shouldn't.

Aug 3 2010 Sikorsky X2: The World's Fastest Helicopter

Pfft, and you thought your helicopter was fast. YOUR HELICOPTER IS SLOW. My Neon goes faster than your helicopter! Just kidding, I drive an Explorer. And it's twice as fast. Plus has torpedoes and razor-blade hubcaps.

The Sikorsky X2 isn't even a finished vehicle yet and it's already broken the rotorcraft speed record of 249 mph set in 1986 -- though just barely. Then again, at 258 mph, the X2 is just getting started.

The first thing anyone notices about the X2 -- Sikorsky, it's worth noting, was founded by rotorcraft pioneer Igor Sikorsky in 1925 -- is its double-decker, triple quadruple blade design. It's also got a six-bladed prop in the back, and it's all designed to give the craft excellent handling even at high speeds.

I didn't bother reading any of that, but based on the picture I assume the key to a faster helicopter is more rotors. Which is why I just offered to build the government a 180-blade roflcopter to the tune of 40 billion dollars. F***ing light-speed yo.

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of the copter in action.

Continue Reading " Sikorsky X2: The World's Fastest Helicopter "

Aug 2 2010 It's All I Drink: $100/Bottle Hello Kitty Water

Luxury water shouldn't exist. As far as I'm concerned, there should only be two grades of water: frugal (that's brown and might make you sick), and plain. We don't need anything higher than that besides beer.

The luxury bottled water comes in five colors which represent different themes: Red (friendship), Pink (cute), yellow (heartful), green (wish) and lavender (sweet). You can buy all five for $500 or individually at $100 a pop

$100/bottle?! You could drink nothing but Magical brand unicorn milk for cheaper! I should know, I'm an authorized dealer. Just sayin' folks, $79/gallon. Note: GW not responsible for those who claim his unicorn milk is actually spoiled 2%. Those chunks contain the magic!

Hello Kitty Luxury Water [kittyhell]

Thanks to mud, who, fun fact: is just water and dirt mixed together.

Aug 2 2010 The Fanciest Porta-John You'll Ever Not See

Despite my dapper Bond-like online persona, but I'm not really a very classy guy. Shocking, I know. I eat off the floor up to a minute after something's been dropped, I rarely change out of the same clothes I slept in (often in the back of my car), and I pee on the street more often than on the floor next to a toilet. I drove through Beverly Hills yesterday and, no lie, they asked me to leave. Anyway, maybe you are classy. And, if so, maybe you need a $15K porta-john trailer for your next wedding reception.

each one of these $15,000 porta-potties is the size of a trailer, and comes complete with urinals, stalls, fully working sinks with hot water, and even a stereo system to pipe in some tunes.

The toilets are even porcelain and everything. It looks more like the kind of setup you'd see at a hotel, not at a wedding.

Geez, why not just go the extra mile and install individual catheters at the reception? You won't even have to stop dancing to pee -- just make sure the tube's still connected to the bag strapped to your leg and piss away. I repeat: MAKE SURE THE TUBE'S STILL CONNECTED TO THE BAG. Trust me, there's nothing more embarrassing than draining your snake on the dance floor ONTO THE ACTUAL DANCE FLOOR. I turned that Electric Slide into a Slip-n-Slide. Somebody's grandma broke a hip!

$15,000 porta-potties are WAY nicer than your bathroom [dvice]

Aug 2 2010 Finally: An Innuendo-Filled Pokémon Rap Song

This is 'The Birds and the Beedrills', a Pokémon themed rap song that uses 151 monsters as sexual euphemisms. It's actually surprisingly good and jam-packed with meaningful lyrics. Provided, "playing with those Jigglypuffs, trying Veno-nat to Squirtle" is meaningful. Which, don't lie -- is far more profound than anything else you've ever heard in a song. Move over, Fiona Apple, your shit's pear in comparison! (See what I did there?)

Hit it for the probably NSFW song.

Continue Reading " Finally: An Innuendo-Filled Pokémon Rap Song "

Aug 2 2010 No, NO, NOOOOO!!: Triceratops Not Actually Its Own Dinosaur, Just A Juvenile Torosaurus

According to a recent study, the Triceratops isn't actually a unique dinosaur species, just a juvenile version of a Torosaurus. Did anybody else's world just get turned upside down? To put things in perspective, this is like thinking you've had sex with a supermodel, only to find out it was just some chick who doesn't even have a Model Mayhem account. Nobody's even heard of a Torosaurus!

...there is a clear transition from triceratops into torosaurus as the animals grow older.

As the animal aged, its horns changed shape and orientation and its frill became longer, thinner and less jagged. Finally it became fenestrated, producing the classic torosaurus form

This extreme shape-shifting was possible because the bone tissue in the frill and horns stayed immature, spongy and riddled with blood vessels, never fully hardening into solid bone as happens in most animals during early adulthood. The only modern animal known to do anything similar is the cassowary, descended from the dinosaurs, which develops a large spongy crest when its skull is about 80 per cent fully grown.

Wonderful, so what you're saying is I had sex with some D-list dino. Torosauruses weren't even in Jurassic Park! Haha, what do you mean, "who cares, they're all scaly on the inside"? Well, I guess you do have a point (anybody here been with a Komodo Dragon?).

Morph-osaurs: How shape-shifting dinosaurs deceived us [newscientist]

Note: The scientists HAVE decided to call them all Triceratops and ditch the Torosaurus moniker.

Thanks to Tara, Victoria, Crystal, Lord Vincent of the lunch box, Larsalier, Mr. Lord, Nicktendo, Callum, Naja, mrHiggins, Brian, Kris, Ponies, David B., Lucy and Deadmanwalking, who all agree the Torosuarus is actually a geriatric version of a Triceratops.

Aug 2 2010 Caught On Tape: Gamers Successfully Fight Off Would-Be Robbers From Gaming Cafe

Seen here putting everything they've learned from Tekken to good use, a group of gamers fought off a couple masked robbers from PC Gamerz gaming cafe in Kaneohe, Hawaii over the weekend. And thankfully for us, the whole altercation was caught on tape. Geek fight! Best quote from the news report:

We're gamers, you know? We've been immersed in that culture where, like, we all want to be Superman, you know? We're missin' something partial in our brain that says, "yeah, this might be dangerous."

As a man who just recently played through the entire God of War series, I have to admit: I did feel pretty god-like at times. That said, if ever approached by a masked robber I WILL defecate and pass out.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile news report.

Continue Reading " Caught On Tape: Gamers Successfully Fight Off Would-Be Robbers From Gaming Cafe "

Aug 2 2010 Another Day, Another Frightening-Ass Robot

Geez, could you have made it any creepier looking? Maybe if it had a bunch of bloody hooks tearing at its flesh or something. God that would be so hot aside, this is Telenoid R1, a humanoid robot that "recreates the physical presence of a remote user."

The Telenoid R1 robot is designed to add an element of realism to long-distance communication by recreating the physical presence of the remote user. The robot's actions mirror those of the remote user, whose movements are monitored by real-time face tracking software on the user's computer. Users can also transmit their voice through the robot's embedded speakers.

The robot's androgynous and ageless look makes it suitable for a wide range of users, whether they are male, female, young or old.

At the unveiling in Osaka on August 1, the developers announced plans to begin selling two versions of the minimalist humanoid in October. The high-end model will be priced at about 3 million yen ($35,000), and a cheaper model will be available for about 700,000 yen ($8,000).

Call me old fashioned, but I'm 100% cool just talking on the phone or videochatting. I don't need to sit and stare at f***ing Casper here to remind me I'm communicating with someone else. I can see it now: "So, GW, about this business deal--" "DEAL'S OFF, ROBOTIC GHOST-WHORE!" "Calm down, calm down -- it's me, your manager." "I WILL TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF AND PISS ON THE CIRCUITRY!"

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures and a video of R1D1 (see what I did there?) in action.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Frightening-Ass Robot "

Aug 2 2010 How To Say I Love You, The Equation

I wish I'd been this clever in high school. Unfortunately for my early love life, I was not. If only I had a time machine I could go back in time and pass Leslie Labia a cute note like this instead of the one I did. God, the embarrassment. It read, "Mrs. Martin, I shat my pants again. Could you announce to the class I've been called to the principal's office? It's really starting to stink back here." What?! Oh like you could have done any better!

Nerd Love Solve for "i" [graphjam]

Thanks to Wes, who, will you go out with me? Circle one: YES YES

Aug 2 2010 But Are They Officially Licensed (And Not Just For Novelty Use)?: Street Fighter Condoms

This is a box of Streetfighter condoms. Except there's no way they're actually a licensed product and not just a bunch of worn ankle socks in a box. Regardless, this guy uses them exclusively.

Fresh from an Asian country that has no respect for intellectual property laws (since I can't imagine this is an official Capcom product) is this incredible Street Fighter condom that shows Ryu banging the crap out of Chun Li below an assortment of random flags. Many of these flags are from countries that have no characters in Street Fighter

I didn't post the uncensored picture because it made me lightheaded and pass out, but you can hit the link to see the very, VERY NSFW shot if you want. Me? I could go the rest of my life without ever seeing it again provided I'm going to be struck by lightning in the next hour five minutes.

GONNA TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE (with a Street Fighter condom) [destructoid]

Thanks to gizmoduck, who's holding out for Pokemon diaphragms.

Aug 1 2010 Lisa Simpson Kind Of Got Married Today

According to 'Lisa's Wedding', the 19th episode of The Simpson's sixth season (originally aired 15 years ago on March 19th, 1995), Lisa got married today. Granted it was just a fortune-telling daydream, but I still thought it was worth mentioning. It really got me thinking, you know? Like I could write something today about an event that takes place on a particular date fifteen years from now and not a single one of us will be alive to see it happen. Hope is dead. That's the real message here.

We missed it! [funnyjunk]

Thanks to Jim, Kylanmon and Mistress Ishbo, who managed to sneak a keg of Duff out of the reception without Homer noticing.