Jul 31 2010 Precious Moments: Singapore Man Cries After Being First In Country To Purchase Starcraft II

So it's Saturday morning and I'm sitting in my car outside a hotel in downtown LA that just so happens to have an unsecured network. Saturday post! (Don't you ever say I don't love you)

Seen here weeping like a little girl that just opened a unicorn on her birthday, 23-year old Singaporean Nicol Tan was the first in his country to get his hands on a copy of Starcraft II. What are you gonna do next, Nicol? "I'm going to Disneyland stay up for two weeks straight and let my work and personal relationships suffer!" Haha, that's my boy.

At half past noon on Tuesday, thousands of eager fans finally managed to get their hands on Starcraft II, the sequel to the game which has sold more than 11 million copies worldwide.

Funan DigitaLife Mall, the venue for the sequel's release on Tuesday, estimated the number of fans to be over 10,000.

[Nicol], a student chef, had been waiting since 11am the previous day.

'As a hard-core fan for more than 10 years, I wanted to come in early to see how Blizzard sets up the stage because it's a once in a lifetime experience,' he said.

God, I wish I could get that excited about something. Now that The Hills is over I don't have much left in life besides Shark Week and pinball. What's that? Right -- and booze. How do I keep forgetting about the booze? *bottle talking* Cause we're never apart? Boy you so good to me!

Starcraft draws thousands [straitstimes]
and
Singapore's Weepy StarCraft II Fan [kotaku]

Thanks to Chinboy_Dan, who ordered the game on Amazon because he doesn't like crowds. Otherwise he would have totally been first.

Jul 30 2010 This: What It Looks Like When You Cut Open 32 Glowsticks And Flush Them Down A Toilet

Note: Video is after the jump because this isn't a f***ing rave (unless you have some rolls, in which case let me grab my pacifier and turn on Winamp's visualizer).

This is a video of several college freshman emptying 32 glowsticks into the back of a dorm toilet and then flushing it. Normally I'd make fun of them, but it's actually pretty awesome. Granted not as awesome as if they'd flushed a handful of M80's simultaneously, but we are dealing with a bunch of virgins who would rather flush glowsticks down the shitter on a Friday night than chase the ladies. Hoho -- looks like I did it anyways! Now back to your rooms before I call the RA.

Hit it for the very worthwhile video (also great on mute).

Continue Reading " This: What It Looks Like When You Cut Open 32 Glowsticks And Flush Them Down A Toilet "

Jul 30 2010 How To: Make Your Own Portal From Portal

Here's what you do: 1) Buy an oval mirror, two shades of blue modeling paint, and some rubber cement. 2) Huff the shit out of the rubber cement, then try your best to 3) paint the rim of the mirror to look like a portal. D) Hang it on your bedroom wall and E) get a friend really drunk on the Jagermeisters and convince them to try jumping through it. 6) Charge them for repairs, tripling -- no -- QUADRUPLING the cost of everything 7) Profit 8) ??? Dididoitrite?

There's a before shot after the jump just in case you have a hard time imagining what a blank oval mirror, some blue paint and a brush look like.

Continue Reading " How To: Make Your Own Portal From Portal "

Jul 30 2010 Wonder Woman's Invisible Jet Toy: All The Rage At Comic-Con, Now On eBay

Apparently this Hot Wheels Invisible Jet toy began life as an April Fools' joke but I don't remember hearing about it because I don't even know if I remembered to take my vitamins this morning. At any rate, it became a Comic-Con exclusive and suckers lined up to pay $5 for the empty box (it just looks like there's a plane inside because of the molded plastic packaging), and now the things are selling like hotcakes on eBay. I swear, people will collect anything. Which reminds me. Hello, Japan? I'm in the market for some -- how should I put this -- orn-way anties-pay. Huh? Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. WORN PANTIES DAMMIT! YOU'VE GOT EM AND I WANT EM!

eBay Listings
via
Hot Wheels Wonder Woman Invisible Jet Now on eBay [uberreview]

Jul 30 2010 What Do You Get When You Cross A Zebra With A Donkey?

That wasn't actually a joke. You get a zedonk. Half zebra, half ass, 100% honky-tonk-zedonk-a-donk. I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave! Woo-wee, shut my mouth, slap yo' gradma!

A zedonk, an unusual cross between a donkey and a zebra, is attracting attention at the Chestatee Wildlife Preserve in Dahlonega after being born there about a week ago. The animal, which has a zebra father and donkey mother, has black stripes prominently displayed on her legs and face.

C.W. Wathen, the preserve's founder and general manager, said the foal has a zebra's instincts. Wathen said she sits up instead of lying on her side, as if she's staying alert for predators.

Donkeys and zebras don't usually mate, but zedonks turn up occasionally.

You know what else usually don't mate? Humans and horses. Then how do you explain the centaurs? Somebody really wanted a pony growing up (and has daddy issues).

Zedonk hybrid born at Ga. wildlife preserve [yahoonews]

Thanks to Morgan, who's trying to mate badgers and donkeys to breed bad-asses.

Jul 30 2010 It's Easy!: How To Become A Superhero

Just follow one of these simple steps. Me? I'm going to find Mjolnir AND learn magic. You think that'll make me a super-superhero? Because I'm not against some government testing to get the job done. Am I, govt. boner pills? I'm still stiff! And I took them in '07.

Note: The design was created by Philip Haragos and you can go to Threadless to vote on it becoming a t-shirt HERE.

How To Become Super [geeksaresexy]

Thanks to April, who may or may not date Casey Jones. OMG pleaaaase introduce me to Michelangelo.

Jul 30 2010 I See What You Did There: Earbud Packaging

Panasonic decided to jazz up their packaging a little and is selling their new RP-HJE 130 earbuds in this cleverly designed box. As you can see, the earbuds are placed in the package in such a way that they look like a, uh, half-wheelchair with jet engine armrests? Yeah I don't actually get it either.

Panasonic Gets A Gold Star For Earphone Packaging Design [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Carsten, whose voice is like music to my ears. Provided music makes me want to cover my ears with my hands and scream "LALALA -- I CAN'T HEAR YOOOOU!"

Jul 30 2010 How To: Hide Your Lady-Toe With Camelflage

Camelflage panties are women's underwear with a piece of plastic (or something) sewn into the crotch that prevents the panties from forming a highly undesirable camel-toe (similar to the Cuchini). Wait -- those aren't cool anymore?! *untapes wiener from between buttcheeks* Per customer testimonial:

I am OBSESSED with my panties and will be ordering more next week. Two pairs just won't cut it with my workout schedule....I love my Camelflage!!! Thanks to you, the guys at the gym were staring at the games on TV and not at my crotch!!!! Also, it protects the lady parts on the bike seat.

Whoa whoa whoa -- BIKE SEATS HAVE LADY PARTS?! I may never drive again!

Product Site

Thanks to BanAna, who doesn't need Camelflage because she invented an invisibility cloak. Well damn, smarty pants!

Jul 30 2010 Sticky Business: Packing Tape Spider Web

This is a giant-ass spider web made entirely out of packing tape. Like, nothing else. No glue, no popsicle sticks, no rubber bands, just packing tape.

Packing tape has gotten MacGyver out of many a jam, but he never managed to make an entire home out of the stuff. So he could probably learn something from Viennese/Croatian design collective For Use/Numen. The team uses nothing but packing tape to create huge, self-supporting cocoons that visitors could climb inside and explore.

At the last installation inside Odeon (above), a former stock exchange building in Vienna, the group used nearly 117,000 feet and 100 pounds of tape.

Oh man, just imagine: you're climbing around in there, laughing and pretending you're a trapped fly, when all of sudden -- REEK! REEK! REEK! -- that little freak from the Exorcist comes spider-walking down the web towards you. I don't know about you, but I'd totally shit myself have no choice but to exercise her ass. ON THE ELLIPTICAL, DEMON-SPAWN!

Hit the jump for several more pictures and a worthwhile time-lapse of the web being constructed.

Continue Reading " Sticky Business: Packing Tape Spider Web "

Jul 29 2010 Of Course, The One Thing I Love Is Killing Me: Beds May Emit Raditation, Cause Cancer

Wonderful news: apparently my only remaining love in life might be slowly killing me. That's right -- box-springs may act as giant radiation-spewing antennas, filling our bodies with the nasty while we sleep. And all this from trying to figure out why breast cancer is 10% more likely to appear in the left boobie than the right. GOD, JUST TAKE ME NOW! *eying margarita on nightstand* Whoa whoa whoa, not so fast big guy -- I've been saved.

The research, carried out by Hallberg Independent Research and the Karolinska Institute, both in Sweden, attempts to correlate the fact that most people tend to sleep on their right side and that the length of a box spring mattress in America is exactly the right length to make it act as an amplifier for FM and TV waves.

"Thus, as we sleep on our coil-spring mattresses, we are in effect sleeping on an antenna that amplifies the intensity of the broadcast FM/TV radiation," writes Scientific American. "Asleep on these antennas, our bodies are exposed to the amplified electromagnetic radiation for a third of our life spans." The radiation would be the strongest almost a meter above the surface of the box spring, which would mean that the side of your body that you're not sleeping on would get hit the hardest. In most cases, that'd be your left.

Sounds pretty convincing, doesn't it? Too bad it's all fake research. I've got two words for you: Tempur-Pedic conspiracy. Kidding, I'm not really one of those crazy conspiracy theorists (It's those asshats over at Sleep Number and I know it!).

Great, even our beds could be causing cancer [dvice]
and
Your Boxspring Could Be Acting as a Gigantic, Cancer-Causing Radiation Antenna [gizmodo]

Jul 29 2010 Megatron, Is That You?: Metal Puzzle Block Transforms Into A Fully Functional Firearm

What you're looking at is a 125-piece puzzle block that, when disassembled and reassembled properly, becomes a .45-caliber firearm with all the accouterments, including laser sight (pics after the jump). Now transform and shoot out! *bang!* Oooor just blast yourself in the leg.

Michigan machinist GarE Maxton makes many different types of interlocking solid puzzles of this type, this time, he made a Puzzle Pistol, a single shot 45 caliber muzzle loading pistol, called the Intimidator. The Intimidator Puzzle is composed of over 125 pieces made from brass, bronze, copper, aluminum, magnesium and steel. Once diassembled, about 20 of the pieces can be recombined to make a functioning single-shot pistol. Other parts of the puzzle separately and securely store "a customized set of tools, all necessary hardware, 45 caliber bullets, a standard sight, a laser sight, a cannister containing black powder pellets, a secure storage area for 209 shotgun primers, a spent primer removal tool and a ramrod for loading the bullets."

Amazing! Granted not as amazing as it would have been if it turned into a Chinese finger trap, but I still give it a 9/10. What do you mean it deserves a 10? But you're the only 10 in my book. I'm kidding you dirty 4!

Hit the jump for two more worthwhile pictures of all the pieces dissembled, and a shot(!) of the gun.

Continue Reading " Megatron, Is That You?: Metal Puzzle Block Transforms Into A Fully Functional Firearm "

Jul 29 2010 Porsche Producing $650K Spyder 918 Hybrid

So Porsche has decided to go forward and produce the Spyder 918 hybrid, which, up until now, was strictly conceptual. Did I mention it'll cost around $650,000? Because it will. Yeah, I just pre-ordered two. Didn't I, Hot Wheels? High rolla, HIGH ROLLA!

A 3.4-liter V8 petrol burner is combined with electric motors to put out 500bhp, while featuring the mind-altering acceleration to go from a standing start to 62mph in just 3.2 seconds. Topping out at 198mph and offering a very respectable 78mpg fuel economy...

The cost? That hasn't been officially announced yet, but estimates peg it around the $650,000 mark. Don't worry, though -- it'll be eligible for the $7,500 federal tax credit.

Well thank God for the federal tax credit. I know that's what I'm concerned about when I'm wiping my ass with diamond-studded toilet paper. Did I mention my commode is solid gold? Which -- you know how they say you can't polish a turd? They've never seen one sparkling at the bottom of my bowl.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the "yes, yes I would have sex with that car."

Continue Reading " Porsche Producing $650K Spyder 918 Hybrid "

Jul 29 2010 How To: Ask Another Pokémon Player Out

Like this: creating a special team of characters that spell out a cute message. Alternatively, grow a pair of Poké Balls and ask her out to her face. Huh? What do you mean I'm being too harsh?!

A wild WHINER appears.
GW uses STFU and stop crying or I'll beat you.
It's super effective.

Yes, as a matter of fact I did just whip your ass. NOW GET IN THIS BALL. That said, this should probably be saved for something more meaningful like a wedding proposal. So buddy -- how'd you, you know, pop the question? "Pokémon Red." LOLWUT?!?!

The Pokemon-Powered Pick-Up Line [kotaku]

Thanks to Hairy Mary, who isn't as hairy as she'd lead you to believe. Kidding, I have no idea.

Jul 29 2010 Wait, But Why?: The Defibrillator Toaster

Why are there so many conceptual toasters? Are you folks really having trouble using the ones you have? I mean, not to brag or anything, but I can toast bread with over a 60% success rate. Did I mention I'm batting over 80% on cooking Ramen noodles? I know, I know, I'm a culinary dreamboat. Anyway, this is the Toast/E/R Defibrillator designed by Shay Carmon. It's a toaster that looks like a defibrillator. It's almost as clever as a home telephone that looks like a defibrillator, but less funny when you prank-call your grandma. Haha -- you just killed her!

Hit the jump for one more shot if you care about saving this bread.

Continue Reading " Wait, But Why?: The Defibrillator Toaster "

Jul 29 2010 Pew Pew Pew!: Starcraft LEGO Stop-Motion

As many of you may know because you haven't slept since its release on Tuesday, Starcraft II was just released. And what better way to celebrate than a stop-motion LEGO homage to the original? I mean, besides just playing the new one. I'm picking up my copy tomorrow and plan on staying up allllllll night. It's gonna be just like a high school sleepover, except without having to masturbate in my sleeping bag as quietly as possible. Per the video maker's comments at Machinima:

Lego Starcraft: Brick Rush

The blue Terran forces face off against the red Protoss threat in a classic battle for map domination and vespian gas!

Oh man, vespene gas. That's some toxic-ass stuff right there. Reminds me of the time I ran to the fridge for another beer and came back to catch my dog licking the last of the curry out of my bowl on the coffee table. I made her sleep in the kitchen that night and, no lie -- her ass melted the linoleum.

Hit it for the worthwhile video if you're into Starcraft, LEGO, stop-motion videos, or just pissing time away at work (if you're here you have to be into at least one).

Continue Reading " Pew Pew Pew!: Starcraft LEGO Stop-Motion "

Jul 29 2010 Somebody Does Have A Birthday Coming Up: Walking Dinosaur Pencil Sharpeners

Now I know what you're wondering, "Jesus, GW -- are you really posting this just so you don't have to bookmark the product page to find it again?" And yes, that is 110% why I'm posting this. That and I have a birthday coming up and I have yet to receive a single present. You better not disappoint me like you did last year aside, these are $8 wind-up walking dinos powered by sharpening your pencil. Technology -- it's come so far!

The Walking Dinosaur Pencil Sharpener is a classic wind-up toy that also sharpens your pencils.

As you sharpen, the twisting of your pencil winds up the dino for action. Pencil shavings are collected in the dino's head, which can easily be opened and emptied.

Available in Triceratops (or Tri-tops, as they're called in the 'biz') and Stegosaurus (no cutesy name assigned yet).

Oh man, I can think of a thing or two I'd like to put in those dinos. Know what I'm sayin'? I'm talking about pencils. And, okay, my pens. Haha -- don't even act like you didn't misread, pervert!

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures and a video of the walking in action.

Continue Reading " Somebody Does Have A Birthday Coming Up: Walking Dinosaur Pencil Sharpeners "

Jul 29 2010 Yes: Chewbacca On A Squirrel Fighting Nazis

In this wild world of ours everything can be divided into one of three categories: things that don't make sense, things that do make sense, and shit that's magic. And this is one of those magical joints: Chewbacca riding a giant squirrel fighting Nazis with his iconic Bowcaster (full-size version HERE). It was created by deviantARTist gamefan84 per a request and if I were Chewy I'd be busy pinning Nazi heads together with Bowcaster bolts and not bucking my mount and moaning like I just won a carnival prize. Cause as it stands it looks like he's about to lose his mount and get stick-grenaded in the face. Han will never want to pet you again!

gamefan84's DeviantART
via
Chewbacca On A Squirrel Fighting Nazis [kotaku]

Thanks to Julian, Blaqk Panda, HeischenStien and wes g, who all would have shot first and don't care who knows it.

Jul 28 2010 Don't Cry, Fail Whale: World's Oldest Twitter User Passes Away At Ripe Old Age Of 104

Seen here using a remarkably small font for a 400-year old, Ivy Bean, the world's oldest Twitter user, has passed away. Her tweets, and old-lady aroma, will be missed.

From the two-story care home where she lived in the northern English city of Bradford, 104-year-old Ivy Bean would tell her nearly 57,000 Twitter followers around the world what she did each day -- from eating fish and chips to sitting in the garden.

Bean's online activity drew headlines in recent years because of her age, and she had been called the world's oldest Twitter user, though that is difficult to verify. She became a member of Facebook at age 102, but she quickly migrated to Twitter because it was easier, she said, and because she could have more followers.

She had maxed out her friend limit on Facebook. Earlier this year, Bean tweeted that she had 25,000 pending friend requests.

Wait -- WHAT?! This ol' lady had 25,000 Facebook friend requests and I have to sell my ass on the street like a f***ing hotdog vendor to get you to join the Geekologie Facebook page? WHAT DOES SHE HAVE THAT I DON'T?! Style and grace? Okay what else? Dentures? Pfft -- you think I won't knock all my teeth out?! Somebody gimme an ice-skate, I'm about to 'Cast Away' this shit.

R.I.P. Ivy

Ivy Bean, 'world's oldest Twitter user,' dead at 104 [cnn]
and
The Geekologie Facebook Page, WHICH YOU WILL JOIN

Thanks to DC_Dewd, who may or may not have cybered with her at some point (he says he did).

Jul 28 2010 Awesome: Flamethrower Vs. Fire Extinguisher

This is an amazingly well-shot music video of a flamethrower vs. fire extinguisher battle for the Dancing Pigeon's 'Ritalin'. God, I can't even count how many of those things I put up my nose in college. ZERO -- MY BODY IS A TEMPLE! Of doom. Back me up, Indiana. Anyway, this shit looks straight out of one of my nightmares, complete with inbred protagonists and slow-motion effects. Needless to say, I loved (myself to) every second of it.

Hit it for the very worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " Awesome: Flamethrower Vs. Fire Extinguisher "

Jul 28 2010 For The Ladies: Star Trek Fingernail Painting

Fingernails: I have no idea why we have them. I do know women use them to accessorize and attract the opposite sex by painting them bright colors, but there's gotta be more to it than that, right? Because if that's their only purpose, why do men have them too? Riddle me that, nipples! Life's deepest, darkest mysteries aside, these are some Star Trek themed nails. Not bad, huh? TOO BAD YOU'RE GONNA LOSE THAT PINKIE! Get it? Red-shirt joke! Here comes another: what did one red-shirt say to the other? Nothing -- they were both f***ing dead already.

boldly going where no nail has gone before.. [attackedastoria]

Thanks to janiepants, who's smart enough to never wear red on a space mission. Smart thinking janie, but I wouldn't mess with pink either.

Jul 28 2010 Where The Hell Was Batman?!: Student Dons Joker Costume, Sets His High School Ablaze

Note: Picture is 100% related.

Christopher Clancy (who may or may not have been conceived on the Red October) used six cans of gasoline to set his former high school ablaze and cause over $1.3 million in damages, all while rocking a sweet Joker costume and videotaping the act with his cell phone. Somebody get this man on the honor roll!

He smashed in a glass door and proceeded to spill the contents of one can along the corridor. He then lit the petrol and escaped from the school.

"He was dressed up as The Joker from 'Batman'," said Gda Ganny. "He then told us to go around the corner and we would see what he had done."

He purchased the jerry cans over a five-week period and hid them in the bushes near the school. He bought 100 litres of petrol from a nearby petrol station.

He told gardai: "I am glad I did it because the people will realise they can't treat students as sub-human."

The judge in the case called this a "one-off incident," and seemed inclined to be lenient - she ordered Clancy to get medical help and postponed sentencing until October. Clancy is currently planning to attend the Dun Laoghaire College of Art and Design in September.

Medical help and postponed sentencing?! Why didn't I set my high school on fire?! Because I was home-schooled and wouldn't have had a place to live? I know, I know, I should've done it anyways.

Teen dressed as the Joker burns down his high school in Ireland for "hypocrisy" [io9]

Thanks to [S]d:G, who dressed as Mr. Freeze and froze his middle school for getting made fun of when he could only do two pull-ups in gym.

Jul 28 2010 Suck It, Da Vinci!: Lawnmower On A Stick

There are good ideas and there are great ideas. This is a f***ing terrible one: taping a lawnmower to a stick, then using it to trim the hedges. Jesus -- WTF's the matter with you? How about you, oh I don't know -- STOP BEING SUCH A CHEAPASS AND BUY A FLAMETHROWER LIKE A NORMAL PERSON? Per Youtube video description:

Steve McGranahan the Worlds Strongest Redneck using his lawnmower on a stick.

Whoa whoa whoa -- World's Strongest Redneck? That's one bold-ass claim. Because one time I saw a redneck on a bicycle towing his mobile home down the highway. Suck it, Steve -- let's see you tow a trailer on cinderblocks!

Hit the jump for the moderately entertaining video.

Continue Reading " Suck It, Da Vinci!: Lawnmower On A Stick "

Jul 28 2010 OMG This Ice Cream Is Making Me Sooo Hot!: Ice Cream Designed To Get You In The Mood

I knew ice cream could make your lips sticky, but did you know it can also make you amorous? It can, and not just if you're licking it off a stranger's balls with Magic Shell topping, although we've all been there and it does work.

An ice cream which gets you in the mood for sex has been created in the UK.

The Sex Pistol, dubbed 'vice cream', will be available from London store Selfridges when pop-up ice cream boutique The Icecreamists opens in September.

The cold treat has ingredients including gingko, biloba, arginine and guarana as well as a shot of the intoxicating La Fee Absinthe.

"the perfect apres shopping treat. Just one Sex Pistol will leave you feeling energized and confident - but please, don't pester the staff!"

The ice cream will only be served to customers over 18 and each consumer is only allowed one in every visit.

Interesting concept, but know what else will get you ready for sex? ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING.

Sexy Ice Cream [femalefirst]

Thanks to AndyMac, who knows any food is sexy food. Spinach salad? BOOM -- pants are off and he's ready for action.

Jul 28 2010 No: Style Shirt Sports A Pouch For Your iPad

Want to wear an iPad on your chest so it's obvious to everyone how cool what a sad, sad virgin (not by choice) you are? Introducing the Style iPad Shirt. Despite it's name, it's actually the opposite of style. Your ass will get kicked!

This pre-shrunk heavyweight cotton tee sports a slit on the inside for sliding your tablet into, and there's a window on the front that enables the wearer (or anyone else, for that matter) to fully interact with the tablet without you having to disrobe. Imagine that! Heck, there are even ports for accessing the dock connector and the 3.5mm headphone jack, which certainly helps to justify the otherwise unconscionable $49.95 to $54.95 price tag.

I'm sorry, but I will make fun of anyone caught wearing one. There's just no excuse. I mean, an iPhone hat sure, but an iPad shirt? I don't think so, Tim. No, what this thing needs is more power. See what I'm doing here? THIS HOME NEEDS NO IMPROVEMENT! Love you, JTT.

A couple more shots of the WTFery after the jump.

Continue Reading " No: Style Shirt Sports A Pouch For Your iPad "

Jul 28 2010 Drink Up!: Booze May Help Fight Arthritis

In the best news I've heard since screwing dinos helps prevent wrinkles, drinking alcohol may help battle rheumatoid arthritis. Did you hear that, gramps? I said, "TAKE ME TO THE LIQUOR STORE!"

Moderate drinking has been linked to a variety of health benefits, including a reduced risk of heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. According to a new study, drinking alcohol may also ease the pain of -- and lower the risk of developing -- rheumatoid arthritis, a potentially crippling autoimmune disorder.

People who don't drink alcohol are roughly four times more likely to have rheumatoid arthritis than people who have at least one drink three or more days per week, the study found.

The researchers also found that rheumatoid arthritis patients who drink alcohol tend to have less severe symptoms than their nondrinking counterparts. And the more often they drink, the milder their symptoms are.

I didn't actually read any of that because I was too busy swerving pop-pop's Hover-Round down to the liquor store, but I assume it said something about the importance of drinking your booze with a crazy straw. IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY? One. Shotgunning the bottle.

Study: Alcohol may fight rheumatoid arthritis [cnn]

Thanks to Jim, who heard drinking also keeps you good looking provided everyone around you is shit-faced.

Jul 27 2010 Another Day, Another Dollar Batpod Replica

This is a Batpod replica (not to be confused with this Batpod replica) spotted in the wild near Mountain View, California. But as you'll see in the other pics, it actually has Florida tags -- and you all know what that means: no helmet laws! You can smash your brain up all you want and the man won't even give a dang. Freedom! FREEDOM! On a side note, does anybody else think it looks kinda like a Speeder Bike from Star Wars? No, just me? Cool. HOLY SHIT BATMAN IS BLACK.

Hit the jump for four more shots of the impressiveness.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Dollar Batpod Replica "

Jul 27 2010 When Good LEGOs Go Bad: Tattooed Minifigs

This is a series of ads designed by the Barcelona-based Grey Agency for Pilot's Extra-Fine tipped pens. In case you can't see straight because you drank from the cup clearly marked 'GW's Happy Juice', they all feature LEGO minifigs all tatted up. Unfortunately, it's entirely fake. Speaking from experience (I once had my name written on a grain of rice at the mall), there's no way a Pilot Extra-Fine pen is capable of that delicate a stroke. No, I suspect these are actually maxifigs made to look like minifigs. You ain't foolin' me! You hear me, chick I bought drinks for all night that I caught adjusting her penis? Scratching at crabs my ass, that was a wiener!

Hit the jumap for five more, including a pretty sweet looking tramp-stamp.

Continue Reading " When Good LEGOs Go Bad: Tattooed Minifigs "

Jul 27 2010 Magic!: Seven Secret Keys Guard The Internet

I'm bein' for real yo! In case of catastrophic interweb meltdown, seven people across the globe have magical keys (possibly carved from witch's tits) that can reboot the tubes and restore porn to the masses. Well thank God!

The plan was drawn up by the internet domain name watchdog ICANN as a means to protect the internet in the event of a major attack on its infrastructure. The complete key can be used to reboot the systems at the heart of the internet which direct users to the genuine websites.

The BBC reports that UK-based business man Paul Kane is one of the key holders. He was given a smartcard which contains part of the root key needed to initiate the reboot, and plans to store that in a tamper-proof bag in a secure deposit box.

Other key holders include US-based security researcher Dan Kaminsky, who has previously uncovered flaws in the internet directory Domain Name System (DNS).

What the -- WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME A KEY?! Huh? You did but I sold it on eBay? Well I probably needed the drinking money, just gimme another one. Haha, what do you mean "why are you making another auction listing"? Booze doesn't pay for itself, stupid!

Not-so-secret seven hold keys to the internet [newscientist]

Thanks to The Kraken, who's gonna start randomly breaking tubes and wait to see what happens. SPOILER: You're gonna accidentally cut one of your tentacles. And to Chris B, who claims he has one of the keys. Nice try, Chris, but I recognize a Holiday Inn room key when I see one.

Jul 27 2010 Uh-Oh: IP Addresses To Run Out Next Year

As a matter of fact yes, that is a picture of the GW command center. I can make calls, fax, print, copy, collate AND write Geekologie all from the comfort of my plush shitter. Did I mention I can relieve myself? Because I can do that too. I just have to be careful my unit isn't caught between the seat and rim because one time it was and I peed all over the floor. Don't hate the playa hate the smell! IP addresses are supposed to run out next year.

The internet protocol used by the majority of web users, IPv4, provides for about four billion IP addresses -- the unique 32-digit number used to identify each computer, website or internet-connected device.

There are currently only 232 million IP addresses left -- enough for about 340 days -- thanks to the explosion in smartphones and other web-enabled devices.

The solution to the problem is IPv6, which uses a 128-digit address. It would give everyone in the world more than four billion addresses each, but most of the internet industry has so far been reluctant to introduce it.

It would require each device that connects to the internet to be reconfigured or upgraded, with some users even being forced to buy new hardware, the Sydney Morning Herald reported.

Sure we could do that. Or you could take my advice and, instead of issuing more IP addresses, start issuing PO boxes. BOOM -- WHO'S THE INTERNET GENIUS NOW, MR. GORE?!

World Will Run Out of Internet Addresses in Less Than a Year, Experts Predict [foxnews]

Thanks to Charles, who doesn't care so much about IP addresses as he does physical addresses. He's a mailman!

Jul 27 2010 BYU Students Build Motorized Couch, Campus Officials Insist It's Not What Jesus Would Do

Brigham Young University, best known for being 98% Mormon and having a mediocre basketball team -- shit, I forgot where I was going with this. Anyway, a couple BYU students decided it would be the wildest thing they've ever done if they made a motorized couch. And it was.

That's right. After two Brigham Young University students spent three months creating their automotive love seat, campus security nipped their hard work in the bud by placing a campus-wide ban on any type of couch transportation.

"Wherever we went, people would stop what they were doing and take pictures, gawk and start rolling on the ground like they were on fire."

"Everyone was just kinda going nuts," Homer tells Asylum. "We had a line of about 10 cars backed up on the street and the police were called because we were blocking traffic. The police showed up after a few minutes and basically congratulated us on being awesome."

Oh man, if I had a $1 million for every time the police showed up and congratulated me on being awesome and not urinating in public, I'd be a rich man broke as ever and still writing Geekologie.

Hit the jump for a short news report.

Continue Reading " BYU Students Build Motorized Couch, Campus Officials Insist It's Not What Jesus Would Do "

Jul 27 2010 Mommy, Where Do Tetris Blocks Come From?

You thought they were made in a factory, didn't you? Well they kind of are. THE ALIEN PAIN FACTORY! That's right -- tetrominoes are actually Space Invader penises. Who knew? I mean besides me which is why I've always considered Tetris the most erotic Game Boy game. You hear that, Dr. Mario?! I'm not coming out from anesthesia with my pants unzipped again!

Space Invaders Getting Cut up into Tetris in Lego [obviouswinner]

Thanks to Christian, who was man enough to admit he feels a little flutter down there every time he gets a long block.

Jul 27 2010 Laughing To Not Cry: Viking XL Lift System

The Viking XL lift system is a real medical product designed by Liko to help lift people who can't lift themselves. It can support up to 660lbs and If I'm chuckling I assure you it's only because if I wasn't I'd be crying. And I'm not just saying that because Gilbert Grape used to charge the neighborhood kids to peek in the window at his overweight mother, but you know that affected you too. Gotdamn that was some sad shit aside, does anybody else feel like they need one of these to get out of the bed in the morning? Because I feel like I need two. Just for my balls.

Product Site

Thanks to Bodelishus, whose genitals require four Viking XXL lift systems plus one of those chairs that goes up and down the stairs just to make it to breakfast in the morning.

Jul 27 2010 LOLWUT?!: Nokia's Questionably New Slogan

I think it's actually supposed to read, "concocting poopie", which makes a lot more sense because that's exactly what Nokia does. That said, my first cell phone was an old green-screen Nokia brick that I got a bright-ass yellow case for from a kiosk at the mall because I thought I was cool. Hoho, little did I know -- I was the coolest. Did I mention the belt clip? There was a matching belt clip that would make you wetter than a wave pool if you saw it right now. So f***ing hot.

Browntooth enabled... [engrish]
via
Nokia's Come From Behind Strategy [gizmodo]

Thanks to Marco, for inventing what is arguably the funnest game to play in the pool. Kidding, it's Sharks and Minnows.

Jul 26 2010 Gallery: Girls Of San Diego Comic-Con 2010

This is a gallery of the cosplaying girls from this past weekend's San Diego Comic-Con. As you may or may not know, I was denied access to the convention this year for "being too drunk to stand" and telling security "my superpenis is my costume". Guilty as charged aside, Norman from Comic Vine and Tested was kind enough to lend me part of his 850+ picture gallery for your viewing pleasure. So hit the jump to see 30+ girls, then head on over to Tested to see the entire 850 picture gallery (complete with guys!). Oh -- and before you go marching off to the comments to let everyone know how much you'd do this girl or that girl (even though she has a funny looking [fill in the blank]) you have to remember: none of them would do you. That makes you a creeper.

Click it. DO IT NOW.

Continue Reading " Gallery: Girls Of San Diego Comic-Con 2010 "

Jul 26 2010 Parenting: I Smoked Pot And Watched Pr0n And All I Got Was To Make This Crappy Sign

This is a picture of a kid who got busted smoking pot and watching pr0n. And because getting caught by your parents WHILE YOU'RE HIGH AND WITH YOUR WIENER IN YOUR HAND isn't bad enough, they made him make this sign and stand by the road. God, you poor bastard. Just be thankful it wasn't the time you put an E pill up your ass and tried on your sister's underwear.

Creative Parenting [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Leslie, who reminds us all: you're not in trouble if you don't get caught.

Jul 26 2010 What, No Secret Decoder?!: A Projector Ring

The Portrait Projecting Ring was designed by Luke Jerram for his wife Shelina. It's a ring that can project the image from an interchangeable slide in the band when a light is shined through. Wow Luke, thanks for making the rest of us look like a bunch of unromantic asshats. Jerk.

In a darkened room, light from a candle or LED passes through the ring to project a series of portraits. A selection of miniature slides were made of different family portraits and inserted into the edge of the ring for projection.

"The ring was my first prototype and was made by hacking apart disposal cameras to find the right lens I needed. Sadly, after we got married, in the middle of the night our house was broken into. As well as stealing my car, jacket, DVD player, even my glasses, the thief came into my bedroom and stole my wife's jewellery box (whilst we were sleeping there!) So the ring has gone! We found the empty jewellery box chucked in a bin down the road.

Damn yeah I stole the ring! NOBODY OUT-ROMANTICIZES THE GW! Just sayin', one time I did get a Beanie Baby for my girlfriend on Valentines. Didn't I, honey? HONEY?! Oh, right -- she left. Ten years ago.

Luke's Website

Thanks to Erin and dropkick, who actually drew up blueprints for a projector necklace years ago but Tiffany & Co. bought up the patent and buried it.

Jul 26 2010 For Itsy-Bitsy Blazes: Firefighting Motorcycles

Fires: they burn houses down and ruin lives. But they also make fireworks work and pipes smoke. OH THE DICHOTOMY! But what's a fire department to do when they get a rush-hour call that a child has set a recycling bin full of his sister's Barbies ablaze and the fire has spread to the neighbor's yard?

The City of Liverpool in England has come up with a novel solution, and is testing a couple of specially equipped firefighting motorcycles. The bikes can be deployed when a full response from a fleet of full-sized engines isn't required, such as small car fires or so-called 'anti-social' fires.

The bikes will carry both a tank of water, and a supply of fire extinguishing foam, and the riders will wear special suits that are designed to work for both riding and firefighting.

Smart thinking, Liverpool. I'm almost tempted to sign up for the volunteer fire department. Whoa whoa whoa -- I said almost. Call me when there's firefighting jetpack. Or, okay, anytime I can come slide down the pole.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the greatest firefighting invention since the ladder.

Continue Reading " For Itsy-Bitsy Blazes: Firefighting Motorcycles "

Jul 26 2010 Oh Hai, It's Me -- The GW: My 6,500th Post

Based on the emails I've received, there's been some concern lately as to whether I've died or been replaced. The answer is no. Sure I do die a little inside everyday, but I've been filling Geekologie with the finest malt-humor I can since August 2007. What I am doing is taking a little sabbatical from posting Saturday and Sunday so I can go out and booze to my liver's discontent without having to wake up and write seven days a week (read: I'm doing weekends in jail for a bit). If it's any consolation, I really do think about stabbing and burying you in the desert all weekend long.

At any rate, this is my 6,500th post on Geekologie and that's a picture of me in my off-time playing pinball (come down to Hollywood Billiards and beat my high score, I dare you). I'm a real person, remember? I have feelings just like everyone else except mine are directed toward sexy-ass dinos and not my hand like yours. Hoho, burn! But in all seriousness, I really do appreciate all of you reading and making my dream of becoming a dino-f***ing boozehound who works from (his parents') home a reality. So thank you, from the very coal-black bottom of my robot-hating heart.

All the best,

Your Geekologie Writer

Jul 26 2010 Waffle House Reject!: Pancake-Flipping Robot

This is a video of a robot learning how to flip pancakes. Why? Because it dropped out of high school. Stay in school kids, you've got a long life ahead of you. That said, I'd kill you right now for a McGriddle. Shit -- I'd even stab you a couple times just to smell one.

Two researchers at the Italian Institute of Technology-Petar Kormushev and Sylvain Calinon-taught a robot the technique. The robot needs to hold its hand stiff to throw the pancake in the air and then flex the hand so it can catch the pancake without having it bounced off the pan. Initially, one of the researchers holds the robot's arm to show it how it is done, after which the robot tries it.

The researchers hope to present the learning from the robot's efforts at a conference in October. And if you are wondering, what exactly this experiment has achieved, the answer involves the application of algorithms that help learn by imitation and reinforcement.

So how many tries would you guess it takes IHOP-bot here to successfully flip a pancake? 10? 20? Try 50. Even the toothless meth-head at Waffle House learned faster! Didn't you, guy? Haha, why are you rubbing your wiener in my hash browns?

Hit the jump for a video of failbot in action.

Continue Reading " Waffle House Reject!: Pancake-Flipping Robot "

Jul 26 2010 Adrenaline Junkie: Last-Second Jet Ejection

You know what? If you say jet ejection ten times fast by the end it sounds like you're saying Janet Jackson. Now I want you all to try it and tell me I'm right.

Pilot Capt. Brian Bews ejects as his a CF-18 fighter jet plummets to the ground during a practice flight at the Lethbridge County Airport on Friday, July 23 for the weekend airshow in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada. "He is alive and we believe right now that his injuries are non-life-threatening," Canadian Forces Capt. Nicole Meszaros told CBC News.

Hooooooly shit. Granted I've been in some pretty sticky situations before, but nothing outside of my fraternity house basement. What? It's called experimenting. I DID IT FOR SCIENCE!

Pilot ejects an instant before fighterjet crashes [msnbc] (with high-res shots)
via
Fiery Photo Series of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Talley, who would have pushed the wrong button. Aaaand that's why you're not a jet pilot.

Jul 26 2010 Brains: They're What's For Dinner Dessert

Have you ever eaten brains? I have not. But one time I did find a dead opossum in the street by my house and broke a rake handle trying to crack its skull open. Then my mom yelled at me for playing with a dead animal. Oh yeah? Well I kept my gerbil in a coat pocket for a month-and-a-half after he died! There are skull-shaped cupcake molds from design firm Fred & Friends.

Knock 'em dead with these four stylish silicone skulls. Nomskulls are ready to fill with your favorite grey batter and bake into perfect cupcake craniums. One bite and you'll be head over heels, because there's no doubt about it -- this skull bone's connected to the YUM bone! We've packed four silicone skull molds in each printed giftbox.

Nomskulls -- I see what you did there. No I don't either but I'll be the last to admit it. Also, that I tooted. THESE CHEEKS SMELLS LIKE ROSES! Hairy, dimply roses.

Product Site

Thanks to nilbog, who once baked a cake using real brains but nobody ate it because that's f***ing disgusting. As hell.

Jul 23 2010 Safety Second: Novelty Motorcycle Helmets

Who cares if they're not DOT approved, they look cool. Safety can take a back seat to style any day, amirite? No, no that's a good way to die young and still leave a crappy looking corpse. Now I don't know how things work where you're from, but back in West Virginia it's considered an honor if Morty the mortician makes out with you after the embalming, and I come from a long line of the distinguish dead (we suspect he even stole my uncle's genitals).

Hit the jump for a bunch more, including slightly NSFW butt and breast helmets.

Continue Reading " Safety Second: Novelty Motorcycle Helmets "

Jul 23 2010 Let Me Guess -- You Swung Over The Bar: Inside-Out Car Looks Hard To Keep Clean

This is a print ad for the new Volkswagen Fox touting an all new, redesigned interior (then why is there still a steering wheel?!). Unfortunately, it looks like they put it on the wrong side. You gonna be sittin' on a tire with a windshield wiper for a seatbelt!

Inside Out Car [gizmodo]

Thanks to Jose, who doesn't drive a car, he drives women wild. Yeah you do!

Jul 23 2010 Why Won't It Open?!: Hinged Packing Tape

Want to scar your children for life? Tell them you you have to sell one of them to buy a boat. Oooor 1) take a cardboard box and write 'TOYS!' real big on the side with puffy paint and 2) seal it up real good using hinged packing tape. 3) Tell the little tykes everything inside is theirs if they can just open the box in less than a minute and 4) sit back and laugh your demented ass off as they keep trying to open the wrong sides. 5) Watch the horror grow on their little faces as time slips away until 6) you call 'TIME!' and tell them you'll just have to give their ponies/rocket-packs to the kid down the street, at which time you will be eligible to 7) just pay postage and handling for your 'Parent of the Year' award. Congratulations -- you earned it!

Terrific Sticky Tape of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Doug, who still believes in parenting the old fashioned way: hiring a nanny.

Jul 23 2010 Westboro Baptist Church's Comic-Con Protest Counter-Protested By Superhero Opposition

Seen in the top picture going for a four person sign-holding record (and proving there might actually be something to the whole "strength in numbers" thing after all), the Westboro Baptist Church's Comic-Con protest was met with some stiff opposition to say the least. Maybe God's not on your side after all. The superheroes definitely aren't!

They've faced down humans time and time again, but Fred Phelps and his minions from the Westboro Baptist Church were not ready for the cosplay action that awaited them today at Comic-Con. After all, who can win against a counter protest that includes robots, magical anime girls, Trekkies, Jedi and...kittens?

Unbeknownst to the dastardly fanatics of the Westboro Baptist Church, the good folks of San Diego's Comic-Con were prepared for their arrival with their own special brand of superhuman counter protesting chanting "WHAT DO WE WANT" "GAY SEX" "WHEN DO WE WANT IT" "NOW!" while brandishing ironic (and some sincere) signs. Simply stated: The eclectic assembly of nerdom's finest stood and delivered.

Oh man, I love a good counter-protest. Reminds me of the time I saw some asshat out front of a McDonald's picketing to bring the McRib back. I threw an empty bottle at him. MY SILENCE SPOKE VOLUMES.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of counter-protesters and a video interview.

Continue Reading " Westboro Baptist Church's Comic-Con Protest Counter-Protested By Superhero Opposition "

Jul 23 2010 Man Legally Changes Name To Buzz Lightyear

Steve Bolton (Michael's talentless brother) is a British man who recently changed his name to Buzz Lightyear. Possibly to hit on children.

A mechanic from West Bromwich, who considers himself to be the world's biggest 'Toy Story' fan, has officially changed his name to Buzz Lightyear.

Such was Steve Bolton's love for the first two movies, he decided to do something special for the launch of 'Toy Story 3', so the 26-year-old contacted the UK Deed Poll Service and paid for the name change. Now he can legally have "Buzz Lightyear" on his passport (whether the destination "infinity and beyond" is acknowledged remains to be seen), credit cards etc.

Oh so you're the biggest 'Toy Story' fan, are you Steve? Well I've got news for you: THERE'S NO F***ING WAY. There are kids out there that love those movies more than you've ever loved anything in your life. Just sayin', if I ripped Woody's arms off would you crap your pants and cry all day? Exactly.

British 'Toy Story' fan gets a Buzz out of name change [yahoo]

Thanks to littlezan and Woody (or it will be when the paperwork comes through), who really are the biggest 'Toy Story' fans and have the tattoos to prove it. Suck it, Steve!

Jul 23 2010 Bad Ideas: Barbie Video Girl Has Integrated Video Camera

Barbie Video Girl is a new $50 doll with integrated video camera so girls can make movies of themselves playing in their bedrooms from Barbie's point of view. This is going to end badly. You dun goofed, Mattel!

The Barbie Video Girl Doll ($50, Mattel, for ages 6 and up) looks just like a regular Barbie, but a closer look reveals a camera in her pendant, and a postage-sized color screen on her back, peaking through her blouse.

Powered by two AAA batteries (one in each leg), the doll can record up to 30 minutes of Webcam quality AVI video, with a three-button interface. You can watch your recordings on the doll's screen, but with no sound. Or you can transfer them to your Macintosh or Windows computer by way of the included mini-U.S.B. cable.

Granted I would have killed for a He-Man cam growing up so I could have filmed myself playing naked Master of the Universe, but you know what? So would've my uncle.

Product Site
via
Lights, Camera, Barbie? [gadgetwise]

Thanks to Kate, who sent me a stuffed dino with a camera in the eyes. Nice try, Kate, but I always blindfold him.

Jul 23 2010 Video Shows Location/Country Responsible For All Nuclear Explosions From 1948-1998

This is a video documenting the location and country responsible for all 2,053 known nuclear explosions between 1945-1998. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you answered, "Jesus, how are we all not dead?" you are! You know the Ruskies were experimenting with blowing up the earth's core and destroying the planet, right? Because I didn't just make that up. It came to me in a dream. The same one where I had sex with a lava monster!

Although the map and graphics are almost comically low-res, the minimalist presentation is so effective you can't look away. Every explosion produces a musical chime, and every time a new nation goes nuclear, it gets a different note. We were particularly struck by the Cold War musical duel between the U.S. and U.S.S.R., as each responds to the other's nuclear testing, resulting in a darkly impressive light show on the map.

Neat idea. So neat I've been inspired to make a world map with the chronology of my sexual experiences from 1995-2010. Hold on to your hats, folks, you're about to see some real fireworks! Idaho, 2004: looked at another man's wiener while peeing.

Hit it for the long-ass video (and a sped-up Youtube version), but feel free to skip around.

Continue Reading " Video Shows Location/Country Responsible For All Nuclear Explosions From 1948-1998 "

Jul 23 2010 Vading Don't Pay Like It Used To: Masked & Caped Darth Vader Robs Long Island Bank

Following a string of Galactic lay-offs, Darth Vader was spotted robbing a bank on Long Island yesterday. But, instead of Force-chokes and a lightsaber, the Vade was rocking a pistol. Not kosher, Darth.

A customer started to battle Vader inside the bank.

Det. Sgt. William Lamb of the Suffolk County Police Department says, "They got into a bit of a physical altercation. No one was hurt."

The Darth Vader thief, described as between 6 feet and 6 feet 2 inches tall, then took off running. In addition to the mask and cape, he was also wearing camouflage pants.

He headed east through the bank's parking lot and then jumped on a bicycle and took off.

Witnesses say his cape was waving behind him as he ran.

A witness said, "I thought it was just a joke but I guess he was serious."

Police have not said if Luke Skywalker has offered to help track "Vader" down.

ROFL @ Luke Skywalker helping. That's some journalistic integrity after my own heart right there. Also, who else knew Vader rode a bicycle? Because I heard he got his license revoked after crashing a speeder bike into a group of Ewoks while all f***ed up on glitterstim. Two words: Celebrity. Rehab.

Crappy news report after the jump.

Continue Reading " Vading Don't Pay Like It Used To: Masked & Caped Darth Vader Robs Long Island Bank "

Jul 23 2010 New 'TRON: Legacy' Trailer Looks Just How You'd Think

TRON: Legacy is something of a high school reunion: everything you vaguely remember you can now revisit with a new event that's updated, dated, and the same all at once (Jeff bridges, especially). If you want to see how neon-lined things/that girl you had crush on look a few decades later, go for it. They look surprisingly alright, actually. And if you don't want to go, that's fine, too. You're just missing exactly what you'd think you're missing. It's your couple of hours and a plane/movie ticket. Whatevs.

Continue Reading "New 'TRON: Legacy' Trailer Looks Just How You'd Think"

Jul 22 2010 You'll Only Burn Faster, Card-Bot!: Giant Cardboard Robot Arms Available On Etsy

Want to pretend you're a giant robot? I will f***ing kill you. But if you're determined to die by my hand go ahead and pick up a pair of $85 Giant Cardboard Robot Arms from Etsy seller giantcardboardrobot, then give me a call. I'll be waiting drinking.

Arm yourself with giant cardboard robot arms! Perfect for giant robot hugs, super high high-fives, & terrorizing small children.

Customize them just for you! Cover them in stickers, paint them, glue stuff to them, or add lights. Treat your new arms as your cardboard canvas.

Each arm is approximately 5' 6" in length (about 3 feet longer from where your hands will grab), 9" x 9" in width. The arms allow for both 90° bending motion in the elbows as well as 360° rotation of the wrist. The arms break down into easily assembled component parts.

You know what they say about a guy with giant cardboard robot arms, don't you? He's trying to compensate for something. Probably not having a soul, since that's what differentiates man from machine. I will burn your heartless ass alive, Wannabe-Bot! Now transform and roll out back while I find the lighter fluid.

Hit the jump for three more shots and another link to the seller's Etsy if you've really decided it's your time to go.

Continue Reading " You'll Only Burn Faster, Card-Bot!: Giant Cardboard Robot Arms Available On Etsy "

Jul 22 2010 Tron Girl, The Song And Music Video

This is the music video for a song called 'Tron Girl' by Barely Political. It looks like something you'd see on Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! except it actually makes sense and you didn't have to stay up past your bedtime on a Sunday night to watch it. Plus it's available in 3-D if you have red/blue glasses. Me? I watched it in 3-D without the glasses because I'm probably the hardest core mamajama you'll never meet. Are you getting this, UFC sissies? I don't know what's supposed to be so tough about dancing around a cage exchanging blows with other men. Where I'm from we call that an orgy. A super gay one.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Tron Girl, The Song And Music Video "

Jul 22 2010 Now That's Classy: World's Most Expensive Beer Comes In Taxidermied Animal Koozies

BrewDog, the Scottish brewery best known for its 32% ABV (alcohol by volume) Tactical Nuclear Penguin beer, is back at it with another beer that not only shatters their previous alcohol content record, but also claims the title of most expensive brew. Introducing 'The End of History', a 55% ABV beer that costs $765 per 12oz bottle AND COMES IN ITS OWN TAXIDERMIED KOOZIE. But can you suck the eyes out when you're finished?

The beer is the last high abv beer we are going to brew, the end point of our research into how far the can push the boundaries of extreme brewing, the end of beer.

This blond Belgian ale is infused with nettles from the Scottish Highlands and Fresh juniper berries. Only 12 bottles have been made and each comes with its own certificate and is presented in a stuffed stoat or grey squirrel. The striking packaging was created by a very talented taxidermist and all the animals used were road kill. This release is a limited run of 11 bottles, 7 stoats and 4 grey squirrels. Each ones comes with its own certificate of authenticity.

Listen, I'm no stranger to drinking out of animal carcasses. As a matter of fact, I'm drinking out of a bear I killed right now. But that's not the point. The point is this: I think the small intestines might be leaking cause this beer tastes like shit.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a video the brewery released about the beer.

Continue Reading " Now That's Classy: World's Most Expensive Beer Comes In Taxidermied Animal Koozies "

Jul 22 2010 Amazingly Amazing DIY Daft Punk Helmet

Want a futuristic space helmet like the guys from Daft Punk wear? Well now you can make your own, thanks to a in-depth build page by Volpin Props (the makers of the amazing Bioshock Big Daddy suit). Just look at it. I bet you don't even need a spaceship to fly to the stars with that thing on! Yep, I'd say a jet-pack would be plenty sufficient. Wanna give it a go? Awesome, just sign here so I can have your comic book collection in case I shoot your ass out of the sky with a rocket launcher you burn up during reentry (I want your WoW characters too).

Hit the jump for a bunch more of the finished product, as well as two videos (one of the 17-month build packed into 3-minutes, and another of the complete helmet).

Continue Reading " Amazingly Amazing DIY Daft Punk Helmet "

Jul 22 2010 Paper Cuts!: Original Mortal Kombat Fatalities Recreated In Construction Paper Stop Motion

UPDATE: Added Youtube versions for those of you who can't view the originals (except only 1 of the 5-part Zelda episode was available)

This is a stop-motion video by Eric Power of all the original Mortal Kombat fatalities recreated with construction paper. He cleverly named them "paperalities". Get it? It's a mashup of the words "pap" and "realities". I'm not stupid you're stupid. He also did a bunch of construction paper Zelda stop-motions that are also worth a view, so hit the jump and stick it to the man for a few minutes. Trust me, you'll feel better afterward. Oooooor get fired, in which case you can't say I didn't warn you. I mean you could, but I'd deny it and everybody would believe me over you BECAUSE YOU'RE A WOLF-CRIER. Plus a furry. I'm telling everyone!

Hit it for the worthwhile videos.

Continue Reading " Paper Cuts!: Original Mortal Kombat Fatalities Recreated In Construction Paper Stop Motion "

Jul 22 2010 This Ain't A Free Peep Show!: Flying Pasties Keep Privates Private From Airport Security

Note: I censor-barred the image (in case you couldn't tell) but you can hit the jump for a NSFW version of what the pasties actually look like if you want. Just don't come crying to me if your mom catches you and you end up grounded from the internet.

Flying Pasties are 2-3mm thick rubber pasties that prevent the new airport security scanners from getting a good look at your tomatoes. Or your lettuce wrap . Sets start at $17 and come with catchy slogans (that airport personnel won't be able to read so what's the point?) like, "private" and "only my boyfriend sees me naked." Did I mention they also sell a junk-covering male version for $10? Because they do. Alternatively, you can use the same product I do. It's called not giving a shit. Available everywhere.

Hit the jump for the uncensored picture and a link to the product site.

Continue Reading " This Ain't A Free Peep Show!: Flying Pasties Keep Privates Private From Airport Security "

Jul 22 2010 Syrinx Needles Make Heroin Fun Again

If there's one thing I can't stand it's waiting in a grocery line behind a lady with two carts full of canned cat food. YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT, LADY. If there's another it's needles. I don't like them. You know how many times I've had to be smelling-salted off an examination room floor? Every single one. But now needles are fun, thanks to Syrinx!

'Syrinx' is a modern day syringe, designed by Jesper Nilsson, that will surely reduce the trauma of poking needles, if not eradicate it completely.

The fear reducing formula of the Syrinx lies in its Sphynx-shaped needle: cutely designed things that should distract the attention of your kid as the doctor takes a sample of his/her blood.

The needles come with an informative and colorful book that will gently educate the child about what's going to happen. While the child reads the book, the doctor prepares for the blood to be collected. After reading the book (3-4 pages), the child can choose the creature they would like to be injected with. When the needle is being inserted, the child should be more relaxed looking at the toy creature.

Yeah, no. I'm still gonna white out and take the whole roll of bed-paper down with me. No joke, I won't even do needles anymore. Last time I had to have blood drawn I convinced the doctor to beat me in the head with a foot stirrup and let me drip the blood into a bedpan. I tested positive for feces.

Hit the jump for two more pics, one of a kid playing with needles (who needs toys?!), and one of a Syrinx in action.

Continue Reading " Syrinx Needles Make Heroin Fun Again "

Jul 22 2010 I Call A Wampa Burger!: Princess Leia Gold Bikini And Darth Vader Cooking Aprons

Not to brag about my eagle eyes or anything but that girl's hair is blue. Did anybody else notice that? And why's she holding a wooden spoon? ARE YOU SELLING SPOONS AND BLUE NAIL POLISH OR ARE YOU SELLING APRONS?! Me? I'm selling my body for vintage action figures. Me only being four tricks short of a mint-grade Sergeant Slaughter aside, these $25 Star Wars aprons are guaranteed to be the perfect compliment to your next summer cookout. Aren't they, Leia? You can cook my dog any day. Kidding! Chloe'll bite if you try picking her up.

Product Site
via
darth vader and princess leia aprons: force cookin' [technabob]

Thanks to jake, who [insert something about slapping my meat on his grill].

Jul 21 2010 Yeah, That's Not Gonna Help: College Course Designed To Help Geeks Learn How To Flirt

Apparently Potsdam University (south of Berlin, Germany) has just started offering a collegiate course in flirting for its computer-related master's students. *facepalm* IT SHOULD BE AN UNDERGRADUATE COURSE.

The 440 students enrolled in the master's degree course will learn how to write flirtatious text messages and emails, impress people at parties and cope with rejection.

Philip von Senftleben, an author and radio presenter who will teach the course, summed up his job as teaching how to "get someone else's heart beating fast while yours stays calm."

The course, which starts next Monday, is part of the social skills section of the IT course and is designed to ease entry into the world of work. Students also learn body language, public-speaking, stress management and presentation skills.

Sexy text messaging, really? I can count the number of times flirtatious text messaging has gotten me laid on one hand. The same hand I had to use to masturbate the zero times it's worked. Just sayin', I sat on it till it was numb!

Hit the jump for a video of some comedian talking about the program.

Continue Reading " Yeah, That's Not Gonna Help: College Course Designed To Help Geeks Learn How To Flirt "

Jul 21 2010 BP Photoshops Picture To Make Oil Spill Command Center Look More Command-y

BP recently admitted to Photoshopping a picture of their Houston-based oil spill command center to make it seem like the workers there don't just play Minesweeper and make dead sea turtle jokes all day. Little did they know. You can't fool the American public. ROFLOL!

BP acknowledges it posted on its website an altered photo that exaggerates the activity at its Gulf oil spill command center in Houston.

The picture posted over the weekend showed workers monitoring a bank of 10 giant video screens displaying underwater images.

Spokesman Scott Dean says Tuesday that two screens were blank in the original picture and a staff photographer used Photoshop software to add images.

He says the photographer was showing off his Photoshop skills and there was no ill intent.

Damn, Mr. Photoshop! Copying an image from one monitor and pasting it on another? NOW YOU'RE JUST SHOWBOATING. Has Adobe approached you about teaching classes yet? No? Shocking. Kidding, it's because you blow.

BP's altered photo distorts spill center activity [comcast]
and
BP moving into Photoshopping? [jcjanderson]

Thanks to Lord Tarl and Jim, who Photoshopped a picture of themselves cutting BP's peener off with a pair of lobster claws. I'll admit, it's erotic in a BSDM sorta way.

Jul 21 2010 Video Of A $5 Million Swedish Bank Robbery

This is a surveillance video that was just released from a Swedish bank robbery that went down back in September. The robbers landed a helicopter on the roof, broke into the Louvre-ass looking ceiling, and proceeded to escape with over $5 million (US) in Swedish Fish kronar. Krona krona bills ya'll.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on whether or not you view these guys as brilliant schemers or common criminals, 10 of them got caught and are going on trial next month. But now that the trial is about to begin, they've released the above footage of the crime itself.

Pfft, amateurs. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't one of the most important things to remember when robbing a bank IS NOT TO GET CAUGHT? Cause otherwise you're not so much a bank robber as you are prison penis fodder, are you? Hoho -- YO ASS GONNA GET STOLE!

Hit the jump for the crime in action.

Continue Reading " Video Of A $5 Million Swedish Bank Robbery "

Jul 21 2010 Kid Tricks Apple Into Approving Tethering App

15-year old Nick Lee snuck tethering capabilities into a seemingly inconspicuous $0.99 flashlight app and got it approved by Apple. Unfortunately, fanboys can't keep their pie-holes shut on the internet and the app has since been pulled. WAY TO SUCK, JERKS.

Handy Light, which has since been removed from the store, was a $0.99 app that looked just like a slew of other garbage flashlight apps cluttering up the App Store. It's main functionality appeared to just be changing the screen to different colors.

But underneath? It gave you the ability to easily turn your iPhone into a Wi-Fi hotspot, allowing your laptop or iPad to share the 3G connection without having to pay AT&T a ransom to do so. Awesome.

Oh man, I miss the days of free tethering. Get it? My gimp ran away!

How Apple got tricked into approving an iPhone tethering app [dvice]

Thanks to Martin, who's so excited about the real GW's return he sent a picture he drew of himself stabbing my eyes out while I scream uncle and birds peck at my genitals. Thanks for that.

Jul 21 2010 Uh, Congratulations?: Kid Craigslist Swaps From Old Cell Phone To Old Porsche Boxster

Craigslist swapping: it's not just for kinky swingers anymore. You see, 17-year old Californian Steven Oritz executed 14 swaps via Craigslist, trading from an old cell phone to a 2000 Porsche Boxster. Oh come on -- they're not even real Porsches!

Ortiz spends five to six hours each day searching Craigslist for the right kind of swaps. Over the last two years and 14 trades, he's had an eclectic assortment of items in his possession, including an iPod touch, various dirt bikes, a MacBook Pro, a golf cart, and a 1975 Ford Bronco. It was the Bronco that allowed him to become the only kid at his high school who drives his own convertible Porsche to class.

In fact, when Ortiz made his final swap to get the sports car, he was actually trading down. After driving around the 1975 Ford Bronco--worth around $15,000--for a while, Steven decided to trade it for the renown of being a teenage Porsche owner, even though the Boxster was worth only $9,000.

Five to six hours a day for two years, huh? Given a 25-hour work week and a California minimum wage of $8, you could have earned $20,800 in the same time. That's enough for two crappy Boxsters, plus $2,800 for rims and candy! Just sayin', you know how many Atomic Fireballs that is? Enough to melt your @$$hole off.

How to Upgrade an Old Phone into a Porsche [yahoo]

Thanks to jediGK, Ryan and necrodancer, who have all traded their dignity for Miley Cyrus concert tickets at one time or another.

Jul 21 2010 Haha, Airport Security Loves A Good Joke!: Contraband Luggage Stickers

This is a sticker you can apply to a suitcase to make it look like you're a drug mule. I just bought one and you better believe airport security is gonna be ROFLing their metal detecting asses off! Oooor pointing their guns and yelling to spread my buttcheeks. BUT THEY'RE VIRGIN! (Haha, no they're not either) The stickers are $25 for a set of four and include this one, stacks of money, a tied-up hooker, and dildos/anal-beads. That's right, dildos/anal-beads. Speaking of which -- I swear one time when I was going through security I saw a funny-looking wiener on the luggage x-ray screen. It was mine -- I went through the machine!

Hit it for the worthwhile others.

Continue Reading " Haha, Airport Security Loves A Good Joke!: Contraband Luggage Stickers "

Jul 21 2010 50 NES Game Endings Spoiled In 2 Minutes

This is a video of two guys spoiling the endings to 50 classic NES games. You might not want to watch if there's still some games you're working on BUT IT'S BEEN 20 YEARS, GIVE UP ALREADY. Unfortunately it's just the two guys talking and doesn't show any gameplay, making the video's viewability fairly low. Still, it's only two minutes, so unless you have a Kid Cuisine to put in the microwave you might as well watch it. You know, or keep toiling away for the man (tell him I said you shat in his wastebasket).

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " 50 NES Game Endings Spoiled In 2 Minutes "

Jul 21 2010 Die!: Walking Robot Breaks Distance Record

Seen here about to maul Dora the Explorer, Cornell University's Ranger robot recently beat the record for longest distance traveled on a single battery charge, walking 14.3 miles in 11 hours. That's 1.3MPH -- we're as good as dead. Run Forrest!

Guided by students with a remote control, Ranger navigated 108.5 times around the Barton Hall indoor track, about 212 meters per lap, and made about 70,000 steps before it had to stop and recharge. The 14.3-mile record beats the former world record set by Boston Dynamics' BigDog, which had claimed the record at 12.8 miles.

One goal for robotic research is to show off the machine's energy efficiency. Unlike other walking robots that use motors to control every movement, the Ranger appears more relaxed and in a way emulates human walking, using gravity and momentum to help swing its legs forward.

God, can I go a single day without BigDog haunting my life? Which reminds me -- did I ever tell you about the time I went to the petting zoo but wouldn't go near the little horses cause they looked like BigDogs in disguise? Because if I did I lied. I've been banned from there for years. I LOVED THAT DUCK.

Walking Robot Breaks Distance Record [technewsdaily]

Thanks to Greenman, mascot for the best frozen vegetables around. No -- that's not you? Oh.

Jul 20 2010 Print Me A Pizza!: MIT's Digital Food Printer

I hate eating. It takes up precious time plus I'm fat. But what if homecooked meals were easier to make? THEY ARE, THEY'RE CALLED HOT POCKETS. But did that stop MIT cohorts Marcelo Coelho and Amit Zoran from conceptualizing this 'Cornicopia' digital food printer? Oh hell nah son!

this 3-D printer concept is a personal food factory that fuses the digital world with the realm of cooking by storing, precisely mixing, depositing, and cooking layers of ingredients with no waste.

Cornucopias' printing process begins with an array of food canisters filled with the "cook's" foods of choice. After a meal selection has been made using the device's multi-touch translucent screen, users are able to see their meal being assembled while simultaneously manipulating real-time parameters, such as calories or carbohydrate content. Each ingredient is then piped into a mixer and then very precisely extruded, allowing for very exact and elaborate combinations of food.

Once each ingredient has been dropped, the food is then heated or cooled by Cornucopia's chamber or via the heating and cooling tubes located on the printing head.

Mmmm, that sounds....like Taco Bell. Great, now I want a cheesy gordita crunch. Oooh -- and a Mexican pizza. Shit do they still sell Choco-Tacos? Because I will straight up crash my roommate's Vespa through the drive-thru window if they do. Want anything? Four chalupas and a Baja Blast? YOU'LL GET NOTHING AND LIKE IT!

Hit the jump for several more renderings.

Continue Reading " Print Me A Pizza!: MIT's Digital Food Printer "

Jul 20 2010 Parents/Law Enforcement Concerned Digital Drug Use May Lead To Analog Drug Use

Seen here looking a little spacy herself, this is a news report by Adrianna Iwasinkski regarding the dangers of digital drugs leading teens down the slippery slope to analog drugs and, eventually, to turning tricks in the mall parking lot to get their next fix (been there done that, amirite?). If you're unfamiliar with digital drugs, you can read the old Geekologie article about i-Doser, or jump right into the video. But just a heads up (in case my parents are reading): Geekologie does not condone drug use of any kind -- be it digital, analog, digilog OR analital. Except booze, which isn't so much a drug as it is a miracle elixir that keeps me sane ($5 HJ's if you bring me an Orange Julius).

Hit it for the parental fear that's sweeping the nation.

Continue Reading " Parents/Law Enforcement Concerned Digital Drug Use May Lead To Analog Drug Use "

Jul 20 2010 YOU GONNA DIE!: ExtremeShock™, The World's Premier Anti-Terrorist Ammunition

Finally, bullets specially designed to kill terrorists. Because, I don't know if you knew this or not, but terrorist anatomy is different from mine and yours. And not just their little childlike wieners! Enter ExtremeShock™ "Fang Face" and "Air Freedom" rounds:

It's a new war, and our nations best warriors now carry the world's most devastating ammunition! As we entrust the de-fense of our freedom in our finest professionals, they now carry an advantage beyond their own heroism! Over ten years in co-development with Special Operations Groups and Federal Law Enforcement, the new ExtremeShock™ Explosive Entry tactical defense rounds represent the ultimate refinement in lethal bullet technology. The compressed Tungsten-NyTrilium™ Composite fragments upon impact, leaving a wound channel of catastrophic proportions. The expansive fragmentation characteristics of the ExtremeShock rounds transfer the bullets energy in a far faster time span than conventional hollowpoints. The resulting stopping power is utterly devastating. E-Shock rounds are engineered to expend maximum energy into soft targets, turning the density mass into an expanding rotational cone of NyTrilium matrix particles, causing neurological collapse to the central nervous system.

Good God. I think I speak for all of us when I say I'm over 80% confident I don't want get hit with one of those. Or any bullet for that matter. Shoot, I get nervous when the other kids at school throw stones at me. Unless there's money involved. $60 and I'll let you hit me in the mouth with a rock. Another $40 and you can keep any teeth you knock out.

Product Site (with a ton more info)

Thanks to SPC Michael H., US Army, for keeping the terrorists at bay.

Jul 20 2010 Success!: Anti-Aircraft Laser Pews Down Unmanned Drone At English Airshow

Raytheon provided a public showing of their Laser Close-In Weapon System (CIWS) at the recent Farnborough Airshow, demonstrating just how the blaster can be used to shoot robotic death-planes out of the sky by turning an unmanned drone into an unmanned drone crashing into the ocean. *sniff* Smell that? Smells like the dog farted under the bed and now the mattress is on fire victory.

Raytheon said the solid state fibre laser produces a 50 kilowatt beam and can be used against UAV, mortar, rockets and small surface ships.

"OK, so a UAV isn't armoured, nor is it flying fast, but as you can see from the video they shot it down in flames," he said.

"That's the very beginnings of what we can expect to see as firms miniaturise their technology and make them more effective."

"It functions as the last line of defence, so if you can fit a laser onto it, you have a longer reach and an unlimited magazine, cause it keeps on throwing out photons"

YES PLEASE! Do you think they make a shoulder-mounted version? Because that's what I want. You know, for when I'm givin' the penis a rest. What? He can't shoot down every plane! Kidding, yes he can too. Just sayin', I saw him beat Duck Hunt once without missing a bird. Plus made the dog explode.

Anti-aircraft laser unveiled at Farnborough Airshow [bbcnews] (with a really crappy video of the shoot-down)

Thanks to Jennaiii, Stephen, Nortilus, b00geyman, ScienceLost, Rev Dr Doom, Struvs and Piccalo, who tried selling the government a giant flyswatter to kill robotic drones but were arrested for stealing my idea.

Jul 20 2010 So Freaking Cute: Pokémon Battles IRL

These are a couple of Pokémon battle scenes IRL as imagined by Flickr user alecks(zander)kwin. Oh -- and IRL stands for 'In Real Life' if today's your first day on the internet or you're a parent reading this over your child's shoulder. Which -- they're already having sex! THEY WON'T ADMIT IT BUT THEY ARE! Me just getting you "the talk" aside, you really should be wrapping it up and playing safe if you're sexually active. And I'm not just saying that because there are STD's out there that'll turn your penis into a vagina, but it looks like you've already got it so nevermind. Hoho -- BURN, SHRINKYDINK!

alecks(zander)kwin's Flickr (with two more, less cool ones)
via
Holy shi-: Real World Pokémon Battle [albotas]

Jul 20 2010 iPhone Fiasco Played Out In Chinese Animation, Now With More Darth Jobs

This is a Chinese news animation of the whole iPhone 4 fiasco being played out from lost prototype to recent press conference addressing the phone's booboo antenna problem. Plus Steve Jobs steals Bill Gates' Darth Vader helmet after a lightsaber battle, which makes perfect sense if you don't really think about it. Jobs beating Gates in a duel? Pfft, this ain't Fantasy Island! Is it? It isn't (you can tell cause I'm not wading pube-deep in dinosaurs).

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " iPhone Fiasco Played Out In Chinese Animation, Now With More Darth Jobs "

Jul 20 2010 Not So Funny Now Is It?!: Mario Gets Karma'd

Fed up with Mario constantly tossing his brethren around like expendable weapons, Koopa takes a stand and gives the plumber a taste of his own medicine. And I'm not talking mushrooms either, although I did eat some at a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert and watched a bus turn into an accordion. I also saw a dinosaur, snake-woman and vampire, but I was way too crunk to f***/marry/kill anything.

Quid Pro Quo [virtualshackles]
via
Mario Is A Bastard [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Joshua, who once beat Toad to death with another Toad and then ate both their heads. Gotdamn Hannibal!

Jul 20 2010 Unstoppable!: Avatar Tattoo Guy Gets #5

Note: Click HERE for a super high-res shot that killed my soul a little to see so big.

Remember Avatar Tattoo Guy? I know -- how could anybody forget that back? Well he's returned with tattoo #5 which, SPOILER ALERT: is another crappy Neytiri just like the other four. Good lookin', guy. And by good lookin' I mean I'd hold off on #6 until I got those moles looked at by a professional. Plus shaved that tuft of butthair. Jesus, you could almost sync with that thing.

Hit the jump for a close-up.

Continue Reading " Unstoppable!: Avatar Tattoo Guy Gets #5 "

Jul 19 2010 Dammit, Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Futuristic Japanese Watermelon Coolers -- On Wheels

Did you know they make watermelon chillers? So did I, they're called sytrofoam coolers filled with ice. But if you insist on being fancy-pants you can drop $230 on this thing. What is this thing? PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR ASS BLOWN AWAY! (leaving your b-hole standing there confused why his cover just disappeared)

Roundly it cools every as for "the cartridge" spring summer Siyuutou, according to season it warms with when OK.

With outdoor furthermore showing the feature! As for the day when the summer is hot every in inserting the watermelon "the cartridge" roundly, in the sea bathing GO! Because it is cigar socket correspondence, in the car the [hi] it is to the core doing.

And, in cold season as a warm warehouse warehouse large participation! If the can coffee and the tea, the meat [ma] and so on it is in you insert "the cartridge", warm way it is possible with anytime to receive tastily.

And, it can receive the new rice tastily by the fact that also the United States cools at fixed temperature.

I have no idea WTF "the cartridge" is, but I want one. It sounds the lovechild of an Allspark and Arc Reactor. And with that kind of power-- MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! -- the world will be ours. Well technically mine, but I will make you a slave.

Product Site
via
This Is the Watermelon Cooler You Were Looking For [wachovia]

Thanks to fffffffffffffffffffffff, who cools watermelons the old fashioned way: liquid nitrogen. Ever shattered a tooth on a melon before? You will.

Jul 19 2010 The Pug Who Barked 'Batman': Stop Crying Wolf Or He Won't Come When We Need Him!

This is a video of a dog who can bark "Batman". Or maybe it's "Brittany". Whatever the case, he sounds like a pig dying and probably breathes loud enough to keep you up at night.

This is Teddy Almond Turtle, my mama's Pug Dog. Ted enjoys baked beans, red capsicum, apples and Bat Man. waaahhhh

Teddy Almond Turtle, really? HE IS NEITHER BEAR NOR NUT NOR TEENAGE MUTANT. You'd think being born with a face a mother didn't hesitate to turn her back on would be disadvantage enough, but nooooooo. Wait -- did that say he likes beans, capsicum and apples? God, can you even imagine what that dog's ass smells like? I can't but Chloe's licking her lips about it!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " The Pug Who Barked 'Batman': Stop Crying Wolf Or He Won't Come When We Need Him! "

Jul 19 2010 The Future: Vibration Powered Batteries

Brother (the printer/sewing machine company, not my brother Frank), has developed vibration-powered batteries that promise to stay charged simply by shaking them. Shake Weight battery chargers? I think so!

Called the Vibration-powered Generating Battery (maybe in the future we'll all ask for VGBs instead of Energizers), the batt's fit in any regular ol' AA or AAA slot. Of course, there are already plenty of rechargeable alternatives out there -- and most gadgets today just use lithium-ion batteries -- though you still need to plug either in if you want to get some juice. With vibration-powered batteries, you'd be able to charge up anywhere, anytime.

Okay, so typically I don't share my scientific discoveries with anyone, but this one's just too good to keep to myself. So check it: you take a bunch of these batteries, and you jam them in a vibrator. Boom -- PERPETUAL. F***ING. MOTION! Double entendre, count it!

New vibration-powered batteries make charging easier than ever [dvice]

Jul 19 2010 Gettin' Stabby With Light: A Fiber Optic Knife

If you cut someone with a $165 fiber optic knife does it make it look like they were stabbed by rays of sunshine? It was Helios, I swear!

This green glass-bladed knife was made using the old ways, using the technique of knapping, which was used by our stone-age ancestors to shape stones into tools.

This is what I call my Fighting Knife design. The emerald green fiber optic blade makes this knife a rather striking display piece. I enjoy picking it up, feeling it weld to my hand and watching the blade shimmer and dance in the light.

You think these things are as untraceable as stabbing somebody with an icicle? I sure hope so. And I'm not just saying that because I ordered 1,000 and tracked all your IP addresses, but I did and I did and I've been fantasizing about stabbing you for months now. Remember in Fight Club after Tyler Durden beats that prettyboy's face to mush he explains he did it because he "just wanted to destroy something beautiful"? Well it's exactly like that except you should wear a bag over your head so I don't turn to stone.

Hit the jump for two more shots -- or should I say stabs?! No -- just stick to pictures? You're no fun.

Continue Reading " Gettin' Stabby With Light: A Fiber Optic Knife "

Jul 19 2010 What, No Death Star Sugar Bombs?!: Collectible Lil Star Wars Cereal Boxes

Cereal: it's the most important meal of the day. And apparently they're giving away these collectible Star Wars cereal boxes at Star Wars Celebration V in Orlando, Florida, August 12th - 15th. Anybody else notice something special about those dates? The 12th is my birthday! *sniff* I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO! Kidding, I'm huffing brake fluid.

"We are thrilled to announce the exclusive giveaways," says Lopez. "In addition to listening to fascinating talks and panels by some of the leading experts on Star Wars collecting, attendees will receive collectible cereal boxes based on Star Wars character 'cereal brands' highlighting each of the sixteen panel topics."

Chris Georgoulias led the effort working with collectors, sponsors, and artists, who contributed to the concepts, funding, and artwork of this completely fan-sponsored giveaway. There are sixteen mini cereal boxes to collect (they are about four inches tall), one for each panel, and they are exclusive to Celebration V! Only 400 of each will be made available

I posted all the boxes that have been revealed to date after the jump, but you can check back at StarWars.com to see the remaining designs as they're announced. Me? In an hour I won't even remember I wrote this.

Hit it for a plethora of boxes.

Continue Reading " What, No Death Star Sugar Bombs?!: Collectible Lil Star Wars Cereal Boxes "

Jul 19 2010 They're Not Even Sick!: Fruit And Veggie MRI's

Sure magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) technology works well on the human body, but what about fruits? Why don't we just ask you?! Get it? I'm calling you a fruitcake. Your ass making a terrible Christmas gift aside, Inside insides is a blog dedicated to the food MRI's. Basically they're animated gifs that present the image in cross-sections. I posted watermelon and artichoke after the jump, but there's a bunch more at the site if you have a food fetish. Speaking of which -- honey mustard: it's not lube. BBQ sauce yes BUT NOT THE SHIT FROM WENDY'S.

Hit it for the worthwhile eye AND mouth candy.

Continue Reading " They're Not Even Sick!: Fruit And Veggie MRI's "

Jul 19 2010 Zombie Jerky: There Is No Beef In The Future

If you want to survive you have to be willing to adapt. Just ask the dodo bird. Exactly. In the future meat will be scarce, and in order to get your RDA of protein you're gonna have to start eating more nuts and beans. Or -- OR -- zombie jerky. Zombie jerky is just like beef jerky except made out of people you knew. Available soon from the good folks at Harcos Labs, the dried green flesh comes in Teriyucky flavor and is a fine substitute for Japanese zombie jerky. Plus I heard it's even better than Soylent Green. Mmmm -- I call a bag of all penises!

Hit the jump for a closeup of the meat.

Continue Reading " Zombie Jerky: There Is No Beef In The Future "

Jul 19 2010 Sexy Time!: Stripper Poles For The Elderly

Is there anything sexier than a grandma strip-dancin'? Yes, every single thing in the world including being compacted to death in the back of a garbage truck. But for the six of you out there that are into crimes against nature, there's the $115 Cushion-Grip Security Pole Mobility Aid. How about a review?

The user needs this device to assist in getting in and out of bed safely. It has a nice cushion grip, is attractive, and easy to install. It is not as sturdy as I would have hoped it would be. It wiggles a bit in the middle and that makes me a bit nervous.

But I like a little wiggle in the middle! No, no I don't either. I like zero wiggles. Still, you've got to admit the thought of a grandma seductively gyrating her sloopy ass off the shitter does get you hot and bothered. No? Just cold and throwy uppy? Oh.

Product Site

Thanks to Eric-tile, who may or may not volunteer at a nursing home.

Jul 16 2010 No Cameras Beyond This Point: A Peek Inside Apple's $100 Million iPhone Testing Facility

Note: The additional (high-res) shots of the facility can be seen HERE, HERE and HERE.

These are super-secret spy shots taken from inside Apple's $100 million iPhone testing facility. Okay so they're not actually secret, Apple released them today. Unless you wanna pretend they're super-secret spy shots, in which case that spy was me and I did that shit James Bond style plus a bunch of voluptuous-ass womens afterward. No, no I didn't either. I accidentally shot myself in the leg Plaxico Burress style and was propositioned by a toothless whore on the bus ride to Cupertino. Me being a much classier version of Bond aside, it's sad as shit when your $100 million testing facility releases a phone that loses its signal when you hold it wrong. Just sayin', you could have tested that shit in my closet.

Apple's Antenna Design and Test Labs [apple]

Thanks to the blue batter, Christopher and Jessica, who all have assistants who hold their phones for them and won't hesitate to fire them if they drop a call (or the phone in a toilet).

Jul 16 2010 Kickin' Ass: Street Fighter Inspired Nikes

How bout some Street Fighter II inspired sneakers? No? I'm with ya, I only wear flip-flops too. Besides, you've gotta admit the Street Fighter resemblance is subtle at best. They could have at least thrown a hadouken on the side of the Ryus. And, I dunno, maybe some bigass thunder-thighs on the Chun Li's. Shit, the more I look at them the more I'm convinced they aren't even Street Fighter. Just wait -- I give it three months before they're selling them as Yo Gabba Gabba.

Nike SB Dunk Street Fighter Pack [albotas]

Jul 16 2010 Let's Get It On!: MMA 'Throwdown' Caged Bed

Let's not kid ourselves: you can't watch mixed martial arts without getting aroused. So why not move those amorous feelings to the bedroom with a cage fighting bed? I can't think of a good reason (well, besides the $1250 price tag). Pillow fight!

Crafted from poplar hardwood poles, MDF frame with steel undercarriage bed supports.

With the use of actual fencing, 9 gauge 6 core centers, foam padded rails and synthetic leather covers, this will last forever, just like the real deal. MDF Stairs include replica diamond plating Throwdown Anvil detail.

Looking to get this bed for someone other than the little guy or gal? In addition to Twin, we have Full, Queen and King size as well!

Oh man, this reminds me of the first time I walked in on my roommate having sex. Get it?! Because he was with another dude. Plus there was a ref.

Product Site

Thanks to BooGT, who [insert something about a rear naked choke-hold].

Jul 16 2010 Apple Offers Free Cases To iPhone 4 Owners

Unless you live under a rock like a roly-poly you've probably heard of the iPhone 4's shitty antennae sitch (that's cool-talk for situation, FYI). Well Steve Jobs announced today Apple will be giving away free bumper cases until September 30th that alleviate the problem. Hooray? No. Hip hop hooray, ho, hey, ho! Damn yeah I'm naughty by nature nurture!

A defiant Steve Jobs argued that the brouhaha over the iPhone 4's so-called death grip has been "blown so out of proportion, it's incredible." Still, in an effort to make every iPhone customer happy, Apple (as expected) will hand out free cases -- either Apple's $29 Bumpers or a "choice" of third-party cases -- for any iPhone 4 users who wants one.

I really don't care about any of this because I'm not eligible for an upgrade until January so I'll probably hold out for the iPhone 4x, but you know what really gets me? That Apple regularly charges 29 F***ING BONES FOR THE BUMPER CASE. What's it made out of, unicorn semen?

Apple's solution for the iPhone 'death grip': free cases [yahoo] (with a bunch of other facts about the antennae issue)

Jul 16 2010 If God Of War Was A Wes Anderson Movie

This is a movie trailer for God of War in the style of a Wes Anderson film (Rushmore, The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou). It was really well made. And I'm not just saying that only because I love the song they used, but I did just marry it. WE'RE GONNA HAVE THE SEX!

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " If God Of War Was A Wes Anderson Movie "

Jul 16 2010 One Ring Pair Of Glasses To Rule Them All

These adaptive-lens eyeglasses were designed by Adlens to correct almost anybody's vision, all with the simple twist of a knob. Holy shit, technology! (Call me when there's a monocle version)

How they work: The lenses are hollow, with a plastic sheet stretched across it on the inside. When you twist the dial, fluid pumps in between the sheet and the lens. The fluid is clear and has a high refractive index. The more fluid that pumps in, the more the curvature of the sheet increases, making the lens more powerful.

Adlens markets these glasses for the developing world since things like opthamologists and opticians can be scarce there, but they could be useful in developed countries as well.

That's actually pretty clever. But the question remains: If you turn the knob all the way do you get x-ray vision? Just a headache? Damn. So no titty-vision is what you're saying?

Brilliant eyeglass design corrects vision for anyone [dvice]

Jul 16 2010 Wife Has Custom USB Wedding Ring Made For Microsoft Game Developing Husband

Microsoft Game Studios Software Development Engineer Ray Arifianto's soon-to-be wife had this custom USB wedding band made for him. Why? Because flash memory is the language of looooove. Psyche, it's actually COBOL C++.

The gold ring isn't actually a functional USB drive, but its design is reminiscent of one. The interior is engraved with the words, "For a lifetime of memories," an allusion to the USB's storage capabilities. Aww!

Shouldn't it actually go on the thumb? Get it?! You know it's a really beautiful thing when two people decide to share their lives together. Unfortunately, there's something about me that sends all my relationships packing. BUT I THOUGHT WE SHARED SOMETHING SPECIAL! And I'm not just talking about clothes.

Woman Gives USB Wedding Ring to Her Geeky Fiancé [mashable]

Thanks to Shenanigans, Blaqk Panda and Alex, who are all getting their significant others Firewire rings because they're f***ing classy dudes.

Jul 16 2010 I'm Not In Kindergarten: The ABC's Of Gaming

These are the ABC's of gaming as drawn by Francis Acupan. Which, TRIVIA!: who knew there were 26 letters in the English alphabet? For some reason (read: bad teachers), I always thought there were 29. I swear, you learn something new every day. Yesterday? Yesterday I learned my body's not a bourbon filter and what it's like to puke in front of a date. It's like, not good. Plus splattery.

ABC dos games. [capinaremos]

Thanks to Romeo, who not only knew there were 26 letters in the alphabet, but can count to 10 without using his fingers AND tie his own shoes!

Jul 15 2010 I'll Stab You: BeerBot Bottle Opening Shirt

The BeerBot Bottle Opening Shirt from ThinkGeek is a $20 tee with incorporated bottle opener. I assume BeerBot is supposed to be a copyright-free version of Bender, but I could be wrong. But you're so handsome. Am I STILL wrong? Never been wronger, butterface!

ThinkGeek Product Site
via
BeerBot Shirt Gets Your Bottles Open [uberreview]

Thanks to sara, who knows the best way to drink beer is straight from the barley's boobie. Wheat's teat?

Jul 15 2010 New 'Facebook' Trailer Really Wants You To Take It Seriously

Following in the shallow footsteps of a couple pretty unimpressive teasers that still left us sighing, "Jesus, there's really a Facebook movie...", a full trailer for The Social Network has at last come online for our judgment. With this preview, director David Fincher seems intent to prove that this film is not about the lighthearted frivolity that comes with "poking" someone. Nor is it even about the sad, sinister motivations of constantly looking at your ex-girlfriend's profile. This shit is so much more REAL than all that. So real that it must be scored with a choral version of Radiohead's "Creep" and show new Peter Parker doing math on glass, because Good Will Hunting has shown me that's something that happens at real Harvard.

Continue Reading "New 'Facebook' Trailer Really Wants You To Take It Seriously"

Jul 15 2010 BWAHAHAHAHA!!: Customers Who Bought This Off-Brand FleshLight Also Bought...

The World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King expansion pack. Haha, I can't say I'm surprised! But I can say it feels just as good as a real FleshLight AND I saved enough scrilla to pay my WoW subscription for the next two months. SO WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!

Customers Who Bought the Male Masturbator Kit Also Bought... [gizmodo]

Thanks to Kristen, who thought it was funny the customers who bought The Sims also bought Summers Eve feminine spray.

Jul 15 2010 China Builds Life-Size Scraptimus Prime

This is an Optimus Prime statue spotted at the site of the 2008 Beijing Olympics aquatic center. He stands life-size and was built entirely out of 10,108 scrap car parts. How tall is life-size? Try 32-feet. Sure you could argue that's not Optimus' actual height, but then I'd remind you this is China we're talking about and you should just be thankful he doesn't have Voltron for a head.

Hit the jump for a zoomy-outier shot with a better view of the Bird's Nest in the background.

Continue Reading " China Builds Life-Size Scraptimus Prime "

Jul 15 2010 When A Helmet's Not Enough: A Tinfoil Room

How paranoid are you about aliens controlling your brain? If you answered, "VERY", it's too late, they already are and just made you think that so you'd still feel in control. I'd check my butt for antennas if I were you.

This guy decided that more tin foil the better. He couldn't probably convince his wife in the necessity of the protection layer everywhere so he grabbed his couch, his desktop pc and a few giant rolls of tin foil and moved to his garage, where before they stored some food supplies - you still can see that passage down the floor.

Wait -- is that a window in the background? What the hell's the matter with you man?! YOU THINK ALIENS CAN'T CONTROL MINDS THROUGH WINDOWS? If that were the case we wouldn't need foil, just glass! And why the f*** did you wrap the coffee can? To use a Three Little Pigs metaphor, you're like the one who built his house out of retarded.

Hit the jump for four more pictures of Captain Crazy's man-cave.

Continue Reading " When A Helmet's Not Enough: A Tinfoil Room "

Jul 15 2010 New Zealand Company's REX Bionic Legs

Look down -- what do you see? A Cheeto-dusted penis? Wash your hands after snacking. But for those of you looking at a nonfunctional lower half, there's new hope, all thanks to Rex bionic legs.

After seven years of secret development and and $10 million of investment the high-tech unit was unveiled in Auckland today.

The unit weighs 38kg and is operated by a joystick. It enables a wheelchair user to stand, walk and go up and down steps and slopes. Director Paul Dyson said the technology was unique and he expected sales to go from single digits per month, to dozens each month next year.

the anticipated cost of a Rex unit would be US$150,000 abroad and about $150,000 locally.

''I knew deep down one day I'd stand back up. I'll never forget what it was like to see my feet walking under me for the first time I used Rex.''

*sniff* Heartwarming, isn't it? It's almost enough to make me not want to club them out from under the person using them. Almost. THIS IS GONNA HURT ME A LOT MORE THAN IT IS YOU. *thwack!* Oh -- no that definitely hurt you more.

Hit the jump for a five-minute video of the legs doin' their thang.

Continue Reading " New Zealand Company's REX Bionic Legs "

Jul 15 2010 *facepalm* Westboro Baptist Church To Protest Comic-Con For "Idol-Worship"

Well folks, Comic-Con is only a week away and I was denied a booth despite my promise to "only drink from a flask" and "sign the everliving-shit out of some f***in' autographs". So yeah, maybe next year. My Deku-Link costume going unworn aside, members of the gay-hating Westboro Baptist Church (best known for the confused looks on their faces when they find themselves burning in hell) plan to protest the convention for idol-worship. Per the "don't you have something better to do?" church itself:

Are you kidding?! If these people would spend even some of the energy that they spend on these comic books, reading the Bible, well no high hopes here. They have turned comic book characters into idols, and worship them they do! Isaiah 2:8 Their land also is full of idols; they worship the work of their own hands, that which their own fingers have made: 9 And the mean man boweth down, and the great man humbleth himself: therefore forgive them not. It is time to put away the silly vanities and turn to God like you mean it. The destruction of this nation is imminent - so start calling on Batman and Superman now, see if they can pull you from the mess that you have created with all your silly idolatry.

They, uh, do know Batman and Superman aren't real, right? And why isn't the church all over the parents who let their children worship the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus? Oh, right, those are their people. AMERICAN IDOL IS DESTROYING THIS COUNTRY.

Church to protest Comic-Con because of 'idol worship' [blastr]
and
GOD HATES NERDS!!! Westboro Baptist to Protest at Comic-Con [nerdbastards]

Thanks to Lulu and Luke, who are dressing as signs and protesting protesting at Comic-Con. That's deep.

Jul 15 2010 Pain In The Ass: Pay-To-Sit Spikey Bench

If there's one thing I love it's anything but standing. I can't stand standing. It makes my legs feel funny. This is 2010 -- where's my hover-chair?! I saw Wall-E, I thought we'd have those by now. I'm being serious -- I'm not gonna take this lying down (but God how I want to!).

It's all from the twisted imagination of designer Fabian Brunsing, who's asking for half a Euro for the chance to rest. Otherwise, the bench won't retract the rather mean looking spikes that cover the seat.

Admittedly, it does seem like a pretty clever bum-deterrent, but I am NOT paying to be sodomized again.

Hit the jump for a video demo of the ass-shanker in action.

Continue Reading " Pain In The Ass: Pay-To-Sit Spikey Bench "

Jul 15 2010 Mike Rowe, Is That You?!: Four Feet Of 'Fat' Scraped From London Sewer Walls

I swear I'm gonna be dehydrated by the the time I finish posting this article I've been vomiting so hard. *BLAAAAR!* Well at least it's just Pop Tarts now.

Enough fat to fill nine double-decker buses is being removed from sewers under London's Leicester Square.

A team of "flushers" equipped with full breathing apparatus has been drafted in with shovels to dig out an estimated 1,000 tonnes of putrid fat.

The build-up is the result of years of "sewer abuse" - when anything other than water, human waste and toilet paper is put down drains - according to Thames Water.

"We couldn't even access the sewer as it was blocked by a four-foot wall of solid fat."

That. is. disgusting. Really makes you appreciate your career choice, doesn't it? I don't care how bad things are, at least you're not a subterranean shit shoveler. Also, where the f*** is guy's breathing apparatus?! That's a case of turd lung just waiting to happen.

Hit the jump for one more shot of guy showing off a shovelful of treasure.

Continue Reading " Mike Rowe, Is That You?!: Four Feet Of 'Fat' Scraped From London Sewer Walls "

Jul 14 2010 Pfft, I Knew All That: Star Wars Infographic

This is an infographic that allegedly contains 19 facts about the Star Wars franchise that you didn't already know. Me? I already knew all that stuff. Plus other things George Lucas doesn't want ANYBODY to know. "OOH OOH -- LIKE WHAT, GW?!" Like the awkward Luke/Leia relationship being based on George's own relationship with his sister. Hoho -- BURN, LUCAS! (That was for Jar Jar). Your momma looks like a Wookie and dresses you funny! (That was for the new Indiana Jones)

Hit the jump and get your learn on.

Continue Reading " Pfft, I Knew All That: Star Wars Infographic "

Jul 14 2010 Die, Zombies!: A Rocket-Propelled Chainsaw

This is the design for a rocket-powered chainsaw launcher. The idea is that you'll be able to hack up a small group of zombies from a safe distance. Unfortunately, ammo costs will add up pretty quick if you don't retrieve your chainsaws. And, in case you couldn't tell because you have trouble with reality, this thing is ridiculous and will never see the light of day. Shooting chainsaws at zombies, really?! A circular saw launcher would be just as effective. Which -- hello, Craftsman? Transfer me to your president, I've got an idea that'll power tool his asscheeks off.

The Ultimate Zombie Killer [unrealitymag]

Thanks to Dave, Dancow and keith, who still prefer to kill zombies the old fashioned way: starving. Damn, you guys are some cruel-ass mama-jamas!

Jul 14 2010 Improv Group's Star Wars Scene On Subway

This is a video of Improv Everywhere's rendition of the the opening scene from A New Hope on the #6 train in New York. It's pretty cute, despite the glaring lack of golden bikini.

For our latest mission, we staged a reenactment of the first Princess Leia / Darth Vader scene from Star Wars on a New York City subway car. The white walls and sliding doors on the train reminded us of the rebel ship from the movie, and we thought it would be fun to see how people would react to a surprise appearance by the iconic characters. We spread out the actors along the train line, staging it so they would enter the right car at the right time

Oh man, did I tell you about the improv troupe I saw the last time I was in New York? They faked this whole elaborate stabbing on the subway. I would have sworn it was real. Okay, so it might have been real. But if it was so real, why was I clapping? Because I was high as a kite and had a mouthful of Sour Patch Watermelons? God, you're good.

Hit it for the 2:30 video.

Continue Reading " Improv Group's Star Wars Scene On Subway "

Jul 14 2010 The Bat Signal's Broken -- What'll We Do?!

Probably not this. Actually, I take that back. We probably would end up doing this because some nimrod in the bureaucratic system with no concept of how to call Batman in the first place (and thinks he's just a grown-up Bat Boy) would be in charge of signaling the caped crusader. This is what he'd come up with. So basically the Joker will take over Gotham and we'll all spend the rest of our short lives being terrorized by a f***ing clown with a knife fetish. And that is why you should vote for me, The Geekologie Writer, for 2011 Junior Class Treasurer. Thank you for your time, my opponent eats her own boogers. *radio crackle* Joey -- set off the stink bombs.

Bat(man) on Fire by Mina Mikhael and Matthew Barhoma [flickr]
via
Bat(man) On Fire [gizmodo]

Thanks to I Like Dog Treats and Ryan, who are both convinced the best way to get Batman's attention is sonar. You, uh, do know he's not an actual bat, right?

Jul 14 2010 Scrumptious Science!: Periodic Table Of Meat

Note: This isn't the whole table (you can't even see General Tso's Chicken!) so click HERE to see the thing in all its super high-res glory and prepare to drool. Or vomit in your mouth so hard it sprays between the cracks in your teeth. I'm not gross you're gross.

This is the periodic table of meat. I know some of you don't like periodic tables and complain when I post them, but that's because you don't know science like I do. You see, I know science intimately. You ever lit a Bunsen burner to set the mood? I have. It's true, I accidentally set my Ninja Turtle bedsheets on fire and had to call 911. Talk about awkward. You ever had to explain why you're standing in the front yard covering yourself with a stuffed Barney doll? Because I was having sex with it. Hey -- you asked! Oh you didn't? He's my lover.

The Periodic Table Of Meat [pleated-jeans]

Thanks to dmc, who wants to see a periodic table of cakes. CAKE CHEMISTRY -- I LOVE IT!

Jul 14 2010 Finally, It's Settled: The Chicken Came First

Well folks, I know I'll be sleeping like a baby tonight. You see, I'm gonna get pass-out drunk and curl up on the bathroom floor with a towel scientists claim they now have proof that the chicken came before the egg. Great, now I'm hungry.

"It had long been suspected that the egg came first, but now we have the scientific proof that shows that in fact the chicken came first," Sheffield University's Dr Colin Freeman, according to a report in the Metro.

Researchers from Scotland and England used a supercomputer called HECToR to look in such detail at a chicken eggshell that they were able to determine the vital role of a protein used to kick-start the egg's formation.

That protein is only found, wait for it... inside a chicken.

Freeman, who worked on HECToR with counterparts at Edinburgh's Warwick University, said the protein had been identified earlier by scientists and was known to be linked to egg formation, "but by examining it closely we have been able to see how it controls the process," he added, describing it as a catalyst.

I'm not gonna lie, that was a lot less interesting than I was hoping. Also, less convincing. I give it a year before they're saying the egg came first and there's evidence a human traveled back in time to have sex with dinosaurs. Let me guess -- I left a condom wrapper.

Chicken Came Before the Egg: "Scientific Proof" [cbsnews]

Thanks to TobyRaider, who can't believe scientists waste their time on shit like this when we still don't even know why the chicken crossed the road.

Jul 14 2010 I Only Have One Question -- How Do You Want To Die?: Interview With A Vampire Robot

Note: Video is after the jump because robot people aren't really people (like those wolf kids). Also, casual mention of world domination around 2:40.

This is a video of a New York Times reporter interviewing a wonk-eyed robot named Bina48. I've got the feeling she isn't the pinnacle of artificial intelligence because, if she is, I may have seriously overestimated the threat of robot apocalypse and I am never wrong.

Ten minutes into my interview with the robot known as Bina48, I longed to shut her down.

She was evasive, for one thing. When I asked what it was like being a robot, she said she wanted a playmate -- but declined to elaborate.

"Are you lonely?" I pressed.

"What do you want to talk about?" she replied.

Other times, she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. A simple question about her origins prompted a seemingly endless stream-of-consciousness reply. Something about robotic world domination and gardening; I couldn't follow.

Wow, could you have made a shittier robot? Seriously, Leonardo da Vinci made better robots and he didn't even have a computer. Just wood and a bunch of naked men.

Hit the jump for the painful interview.

Continue Reading " I Only Have One Question -- How Do You Want To Die?: Interview With A Vampire Robot "

Jul 14 2010 The Cutest Lil Chun Li You Ever Did See

Okay, in a battle of epic adorableness, who would win -- Voltron girl or Chun Li? Because my money's on this ninja turtle.

This Chun-Li Has Tiny Thighs [kotaku]

Thanks to Lisa and pogs, who agree one of the best reasons to have kids in the first place is to dress them up as things. Plus free labor.

Jul 14 2010 Yeah, No: Titanium & Carbon Fiber Coasters

Drink coasters: I usually don't use them. Occasionally I'll set a beer on a DVD or magazine, but for the most part I just use the floor. That way I can knock over a bottle every time I get up. Haha -- like I drink out of bottles! What do I look like, a f***ing money tree?! Enter Black Badger's titanium & carbon fiber coasters. They're $250 a pair. Exit Black Badger's titanium & carbon fiber coasters.

Black Badger Advanced Composites Coasters Made From Titanium And Carbon Fiber [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Marcus, who loves double fisting as much as the next drinker, but agrees anything over $200 for a pair of coasters is ridiculous.

Jul 13 2010 Video Games Meet Skate/Snowboarding Video

This a short little skateboarding/snowboarding video called 'Gnarcade' that features a bunch of video game environments and characters. It was created by Knifeshow Inc. and has a little something for everyone: Space Invaders, Bubble Bobble, Pac-Man, Frogger and -- wait for it -- Portal. And speaking of Portals -- did I ever tell you how I used to be convinced the mirror in my bedroom was a gateway to another universe? THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS. I had sex with aliens through that mirror.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Video Games Meet Skate/Snowboarding Video "

Jul 13 2010 Finger Candy: LEGO Brick Thumb Tattoo

Nathan Sawaya, best known for getting paid ridiculous scrilla to make things out of LEGO blocks all day, decided to get a LEGO tattoo on his thumb. And on my thumb? A lucha libre mask. You know -- for thumb wrastlin'!

Every single day, I snap together bricks. Each day I am pressing down on the bumps of each brick to make sure there is a tight fit. And if I press real hard, the bumps leave little marks on myfingers and thumb. What better way to pay tribute to my medium of choice, then permanently inking those marks on to my thumb?

Are you serious? What better way to pay tribute to LEGO than a thumb tattoo? Geez Nathan, did you even sleep on the question? Because I've got three words for you: are you ready? No, that wasn't them, I meant are ready to hear my idea. Okay, check it: LEGO breast implants. Now THAT'S paying tribute (you think about what cup-size you want, I'll call the doctor).

LEGO Thumb Tattoo [neatorama]

Thanks to marie, Kaibedz and Erik, who all have too many commitment issues to ever get a tattoo. Except Erik, who woke up with one after a night of drinking. CONQUER THOSE FEARS!

Jul 13 2010 I'm Learning!: The Periodic Table Of Swearing

Note: There's no way you can read that version because it's so small which is good because it's filled wiht nothing but seriously NSFW language so make sure your boss isn't looking and then click HERE to see the thing in all its high-res glory.

This is the Periodic Table of Swearing. I assume it comes from jolly ol' England because it's filled with a bunch of ridiculous sounding phrases I've never heard before. It's available as a poster for around $135 but they're sold out which is okay because I just printed it as big as I could make it. "Council tit gristler"? WTF is that?! Sounds like something on a Waffle House menu. I do love tits and gristle.

Product Site

Thanks to Garfield and Prometheus, who don't swear because I told them every time you do a sea turtle dies. I can't believe they bought that shit! (It's not actually true, right?)

Jul 13 2010 Fruit Fat By The Foot: Carl's Jr. (Hardees) Experiments With Footlong Cheeseburger

A footlong cheeseburger for $4. You can't beat that with a stick hardened artery! I mean you could, but that would be f***ing disgusting and you better believe I'd scream like a little girl if I saw you do it.

Carl's Jr. simply couldn't sit still too long while KFC hopped into the sandwich game with their Double Down from days ago. It looks like they're trying to make some waves with this new "Footlong Cheeseburger" they're testing out at one of my local Santa Ana, CA, locations. The sandwich comes along with some chuckles, to say the least. It sells for $4 (the plain cheeseburger), and the deluxe is set at $4.50 (comes with all the fixings, lettuce, tomatoes, onions). The combo meals are set at $6.50 for the cheeseburger version and $7.00 for the deluxe footlong.

The 12-inch burger is wrapped like a sandwich, and sticks out of most of the to-go bags offered up at the location, so it was definitely an interesting sight. I'm not sure how well the burger will fair, it's basically just a few patties and ingredients mimicking a sub sandwich, which may end up not helping its overall appeal.

So it's basically three cheeseburgers laid end to end on a sub bun. I'm not even gonna lie, that sounds fattening. And delicious. Where were you on this, Subway? Eat fresh my ass -- you eatin' rotten!

Hit the jump for a couple recon shots of the actual burger.

Continue Reading " Fruit Fat By The Foot: Carl's Jr. (Hardees) Experiments With Footlong Cheeseburger "

Jul 13 2010 We're So Screwed: Quadricopters Now Capable Of Picking Up, Carrying Bodies

Sure it may look like a couple boards nailed together into a T, but just imagine if it were a human body. Pretty creepy huh? What do you mean you're having trouble imagining it's a body? I swear, you have no imagination. You having lost your childlike innocence forever and never being able to get it back aside, the quadricopters are back and ready to work together to pick things up and carrying them around. And I'm not talking bags of dogshit either, but I always do pick up after my dog and you should too. Because you don't want me having to pick up after your dog. I'll smear that shit all over your car door handles. You think I'm kidding?! Ask the a-hole in apartment 213 if I'm kidding. I guarantee you'll be able to smell his hands.

Hit it for the frightening 2-minute video.

Continue Reading " We're So Screwed: Quadricopters Now Capable Of Picking Up, Carrying Bodies "

Jul 13 2010 Lost In Translation: Batman Toy Backstory

ROFLASVOMNOMGIB! That's what you get for using a free internet translator instead of hiring somebody. Also, who knew Batman turned into Spiderman after finding equipment under his house? Because I've been under my house before and I didn't turn from one superhero into another EVEN THOUGH I FOUND AN OLD AIR CONDITIONER AND GOT BIT BY A SNAKE.

Knockoff Toy of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Kaibedz, who knows Batman really got his superpowers after getting bitten by a vampire. Haha, what do you mean Batman doesn't actually have any superpowers? YES I'M QUALIFIED TO WRITE GEEKOLOGIE.

Jul 13 2010 Britain Rolls Out Own Unmanned Killer Jet

Tired of not having their own manless killer plane, Britain just rolled out the $216 million Taranis, a flying deathbot drone named after the Celtic god of thunder. Or misspelled dinosaur (Taranisaurus Rex). RAWR!

It is the size of a light aircraft and has been equipped with advanced stealth technology making it virtually undetectable.

Almost invisible to ground radar, it is designed to travel at high jet speeds and cover massive distances between continents.

The plane is built to carry out intelligence, surveillance and reconnaissance on enemy territory using onboard sensors.

And it has been designed to carry a cache of weapons - including bombs and missiles -, giving it a potential long-range strike capability.

It can be controlled from anywhere in the world with satellite communications.

[The Taranis has] been dubbed the ''pinnacle'' of British engineering and aeronautical design.

The pinnacle of British engineering, huh? I guess that's not too difficult seeing how the last pinnacle was the MG. Hoho -- burn! Kidding, I know you make Jaguars. Whoa whoa whoa -- you made DeLoreans too?! Well slap my ass and call me a Tardis.

Long-range Taranis drone unveiled [telegraph]

Thanks to Reid, Captain Kangaroo, Carvalhinho, MaxMouseDLL, Phil, Ian, TobyRaider, Stirling, Zach and Jacqueline, who have all ridden unmanned aircraft before and were pissed there was no beverage service.

Jul 13 2010 South Korea Deploys Terminators Along Border To Kill Intruders From The North

Look at that picture. Can you tell which one's the humanoid robot? That was a trick question -- those are all real people. Jesus, stop being so paranoid.

Two robots with surveillance, tracking, firing and voice recognition systems were integrated into a single unit, a defence ministry spokesman said.

The robot uses heat and motion detectors to sense possible threats, and alerts command centres, Yonhap said.

If the command centre operator cannot identify possible intruders through the robot's audio or video communications system, the operator can order it to fire its gun or 40mm automatic grenade launcher.

Pfft, why even bother trying to identify the intruder? Intruders, by nature, are bad. Otherwise they'd be guests. No, when it comes to homeland (and apartment) security, I say shoot first and dispose of evidence later. Isn't that right, mysterious blood stain by the door?! (I got high and forgot I ordered pizza)

South Korea deploys robot capable of killing intruders along border with North [telegraph]

Thanks to Chris E, letseatlunch, Gonkless, Nick, foo and Pillow Full of Nails, who prefer bats to guns because they're much more intimate.

Jul 12 2010 Nice, But It Could Still Use A 'If You Can Read This, War Machine Fell Off' Patch On The Back: Iron Man 2 Motorcycle Leathers/Costume

Wanna look like Iron Man while you're riding your motorcycle? First things first: you're gonna need a motorcycle. And no, your scooter doesn't count. You couldn't even pull off a Tin Man costume riding that deathtrap.

The latest motorcycle suit inspired by a comic book movie puts you in Tony Stark's Iron Man 2 armor -- complete with a glowing chest arc reactor -- for just $1,100.

"We've replicated the visual effect of Iron Man's armor," said David Pea, owner of UD Replicas, which previously released suits based on The Dark Knight and X2. "From the neck down, every single detail is form-molded leather, and has presented us with a fantastic creative challenge."

"Each Iron Man 2 Motorcycle Suit ... incorporates a chest arc reactor made of highly reflective, light-sensitive material that glows when light hits it. The Iron Man 2 Motorcycle Suit also incorporates removable CE-approved body armor; gloves with built-in, antiskid Kevlar in the leather lining of the palms.

Yeah, I dunno. As cool as it would be to ride a crotch rocket with an Iron Man suit on, I'm gonna have to pass. You see, Mr. Stark has already promised to show me the new suit he's been working on. Ready when you are, Tony! Hoho, it's a birthday suit, I get it! (Keep that crime-fighting penis away from me)

Hit the jump for a shot from the rear and a link to the product page if you're actually this ridiculous.

Continue Reading " Nice, But It Could Still Use A 'If You Can Read This, War Machine Fell Off' Patch On The Back: Iron Man 2 Motorcycle Leathers/Costume "

Jul 12 2010 Wait -- Is It Halloween Already?: Car Full Of Zombies Crashes, Freaks Out Witnesses

A car full of people dressed as zombies crashed Friday night on Interstate 84 in downtown Portland, Oregon, much to the, "HOLY SHIT, THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE!" of witnesses.

Sgt. Greg Stewart said people who witnessed the crash initially thought the victims' injuries were much more serious, because of the zombie costumes.

"We're glad that everyone is alive, despite being 'undead'," Sgt. Stewart said, referring to the costumes.

While everyone in the car was taken to the hospital, Stewart said crews are investigating the possibility that more people were in the car at the time of the crash but fled the scene on foot.

Of course they did. Of course a car full of zombies crashed and several of the undead fled on foot. I mean, it only makes sense. I'm just thankful it wasn't a car full of clowns. Now THAT would have been a grisly scene. Get it? Because there's forty clowns but only five seat belts!

"Zombies" crash on I-84 near Lloyd exit [msnbc]

Thanks to Liz, who wouldn't hesitate to plow through a group of zombies running around in the middle of the highway.

Jul 12 2010 That Should Have Been Me!: Man With Metal Detector Detects $1 Million In Roman Coins

David Crisp is a British hospital chef. But not on the weekends! Oh no, on the weekends he's a treasure hunter. Which is how he found this pot of Roman coins. Oh man, I remember when I used to metal detect on the beach. One time I found two gold teeth. You should've seen the look on guy's face while I chiseled them out with my spade! It was like he had somebody standing on his chest beating him in the mouth with a shovel. (I was is the thing!)

Crisp was lolling with his detector in a field in southwestern England when he made the discovery, eventually unearthing some 50,000 silver and bronze coins dating from 253 to 293 AD. Over 700 of them bear the face of Marcus Aurelius Carausius, a Roman general who ruled Britain and was the first to make coins in the region.

Crisp, a self-described "metal detectorist," explained that he would have to share the coins' estimated $1 million value with the farmer who owns the land on which they were buried.

Sure you could share the wealth. Or you could, oh I don't know, KILL THE FARMER! Also, I know the article says the coins are Roman, but you know what? Romans don't keep their coins in pots, leprechauns do. WHERE ARE YOU HIDING THE LITTLE PEOPLE?!

Guy With Metal Detector Finds $1 Million in Roman Coins [gizmodo]

Thanks to Duncan, who may or may not be the heir to a yo-yo fortune.

Jul 12 2010 Sounds Legit To Me: Private Ninja Lessons

Need to brush up on your ninja-ing? Well fear not, because now you can take private ninja lessons (provided you live in New York or are willing to travel to New York or pay someone to kidnap the instructor). Are you writing this down, Ninja Boy?

Learn the secrets of ancient martial arts and the mysterious ninja warriors with one of New York' oldest Bujinkan schools, affiliated with Bujinkan Hombu Dojo in Japan since the 1980's.

* Your instructor was awarded the title of Shidoshi, "teacher of the warrior ways" in 1991
* Learn the history and philosophy of this 900-year-old martial art
* Practice their self-defense, heightened awareness and combat strategy methods

Lessons start at $195 for 90 minutes of ninja-ing aren't guaranteed to protect you from a mugger and/or impaling yourself with a katana. Now -- not to brag or anything, but I learned everything I know about ninja-ing straight from the source. That's right, I'm talking about Master F***ing Splinter. And it didn't cost me $200 either -- just two boxes of Cheez-Its and a pair of April's panties.

Private Ninja Lessons [cloud9living]

Thanks to keith, who knows the first lesson in successful ninja-ing is wearing all black.

Jul 12 2010 Frame Napkin Turn Messes Into Masterpieces

The Frame Napkin is a $40 fabric napkin with a frame silk-screened on it. That way, after you're finished stuffing your face like a glutton, you've created a work of art with the smattering of food that didn't make it to your pie-hole (or did but wouldn't stay down). Mmmm, vomit. Per the product site:

予測不可能な汚れやシミ　それらも見方を変えるとアートになります。 この発想を日常生活の中に取り入れたのがフレームナフキンです。業務用ナフキンに額縁をプリントすることで、汚れがアートとなり私たちの生活を彩ってくれます。お子様のよだれかけとして、ナフキン、ランチョンマットとしてもご使用ください。

Did you read that? I think it said art is dead. That or they were dry-cleaning instructions. Whatever the case, you know those mattress tags that are illegal to remove until you buy the thing? I've stolen hundreds of them from furniture stores. Girls ARE into bad boys, right? Awesome. What about a bad boy who still shits his pants sometimes?

Product Site
via
Frame Napkin Makes You Proud Of Your Complete Lack Of Table Manners [ohgizmo]

Jul 12 2010 Great, We're All Gonna Die: BP Oil SNAFU May Be Triggering 'World Ending' Event

So some scientists believe that the BP oil spill may be creating a buildup of methane capable of exploding and causing a mass extinction not unlike the Late Paleocene Thermal Maximum that went down 55 million years ago and (arguably) the Permian extinction event from 251 million years ago. Gotdammit, BP.

Scientists now worry that much more than oil is leaking out at dangerous levels, including a massive amount of methane, and the BP-imposed blackout that is keeping scientists and reporters away from the leak is only escalating fears.

Texas A&M University's Dr. John Kessler, an oil industry expert, theorizes that the leak at the ruptured well could be 40%, and with the volume that's going into the water, that's a lot of methane. As if that wasn't bad enough, a huge gash has been discovered not 10 miles from the BP leak, which itself could be adding more oil and methane to the mix.

So, what happens? Well, if the methane concentration in the Gulf -- which Kessler and his team have said is "one million times the normal level" -- erupts, it could create tsunamis, dead zone areas devoid of oxygen, poisonous rainfall and even collapse the sea floor.

Wonderful -- first the seabirds & turtles and now us. What did we ever do to deserve this? And by we I mean you all, because I'm a f***ing angel. Isn't that right, God? (Don't forget to beam me up before the explosion)

Doomsday: How BP Gulf disaster may have triggered a 'world-killing' event [helium] (much longer article)
via
BP oil leak could be world-killing scenario, scientists say [dvice]

Thanks to Kyol, who I'm considering capping anyways despite the whole "don't shoot the messenger" thing because it's Monday and I'm pretty teed off about this whole mass extinction thing.

Jul 12 2010 All The Rage Right Now: Magic Fushigi Balls

Magic balls: every wizard has them. And now you can too thanks to the Fushigi! WTF's a Fushigi? Just read this insightful review:

Dudes, if you ever want a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, do not start "Fushigiing". Nothing says "I'm a nerdy social leper" like Fushigi. You'd probably be better off donning a silk cape and performing magic. I hope this fad goes away quickly so the 'contact juggler' elitists will stop crying that the Fushigi ball is exploiting the time-honored sport of 'contact juggling'. You know this is a dorkfest by the nerdy-ass names of 'maneuvers' like "Enigma" and "Prayer Cross."

Okay so I was too busy ordering as many Fushigis as your credit card would allow to read all that. So in case it didn't explain, a Fushigi consists of a stainless steel ball inside an acrylic ball with optical illusionistic (word wizardry +4) properties that you roll around in your hands to mesmerize passers-by and hopefully earn enough spare change to score a bottle of hooch. Alternatively, tell your audience once they've donated a minimum of $10 you'll jump off the curb barefoot into a pile of broken glass. Hey -- that shit works, I've seen it.

Hit the jump for a mind-numbingly awesome commercial.

Continue Reading " All The Rage Right Now: Magic Fushigi Balls "

Jul 12 2010 You're Scaring Me: Dr. Manhattan Contacts

Want to look like Dr. Manhattan from 'Watchmen'? Here's what you do: find a magic lamp. Then ask the genie to blow up your wiener like 2X 6X, and paint it blue. BOOM -- it's like you're fighting crime already. Oh, and you're gonna need these contacts. Available from King of Swords for $60 a pair, the non-prescription lenses will last over a year with "occasional use". That means you can't wear them to work every day. Casual Fridays, sure, BUT YOU BETTER NOT FORGET THE HAWAIIAN SHIRT.

Product Site
via
dr. manhattan's eyes can now be yours [technabob]

Thanks to Lindsay, who just painted a pair of regular contacts white. Smart.

Jul 9 2010 What If: Games All Had A Super Easy Mode?

This is a little video created by College Humor demonstrating what it would be like if classic video games all had a super-easy mode. Well -- what would it be like? Not fun. But you would leave the game feeling like a winner, which is key if you have low self esteem. Know what else helps? Having a penis as sharp and shiny as Excalibur. Haha, isn't that right, Arthur? Go on -- give it a swing.

Hit it for the video. I laughed (except at the last scene).

Continue Reading " What If: Games All Had A Super Easy Mode? "

Jul 9 2010 Super Mario Leftovers (What, No Cold Pizza?): The Characters That Didn't Make The Cut

Remember Super Mario Crossover -- the Super Mario Bros you can play as different characters? Well like all great things, there's always some stuff that has to be cut out of the final product. Take the book I wrote for example: it's nothing but a dust jacket. But did that stop it from making the New York Time's Bestseller list? Of course it did -- this isn't f***ing Fantasyland, moron.

Hit it for the worthwhile minute-and-a-half.

Continue Reading " Super Mario Leftovers (What, No Cold Pizza?): The Characters That Didn't Make The Cut "

Jul 9 2010 Airport Closes After UFO Spotted In China

Apparently air traffic control at Xiaoshan Airport in China spotted a UFO on radar and was forced to divert flights until E.T. phoned the f*** home.

Arcing over Zhejiang's provincial capital Hangzhou, the UFO appeared to glow with an eerie white light and left a bright trail in its wake.

Stunned witnesses reported seeing a comet-like fireball in the sky and a number of local residents took photos of the strange ball of light.

'The thing suddenly ran westwards fast, like it was escaping from something,' he said.

Running from something is right. It's called US. "This planet is a shithole, lets GTFO and hit that titty bar." "The Milky Way?" "You know it, brotha -- high-tentacle!"

Chinese airport closed after fiery UFO is spotted flying over city [dailymail]

Thanks to Romeo, Jordan and Peter Pan > Jiff, who would have PEWed that sucker out of sky, full-nelsoned those alien scumbags, and beat the secrets of the universe out of their bug-eyed brains.

Jul 9 2010 I Will Eat Your Face Off!: Hello Kitty Pizza Bites

These are little homemade Hello Kitty pizza bites as baked by Flickr user LoveBones (I love them too -- especially the crushed and shattered ones of my enemies. MWHAHAHAHAHA!!). Any idea what the eyes and whiskers are made out of? Because I guessed mouse turds but that might make them too dessert-y.

LoveBones' Flickr
via
Not-So-Samurai Pizza Cats [albotas]

Thanks to Lauren, who allegedly makes a mean Pikachu panini. Yeah? I'll believe it when I eat it.

Jul 9 2010 Yoda Recording His Lines For The Star Wars TomTom Voices

This is a funny little video of Yoda doing his voice recording for the Star Wars series of TomTom GPS voices. I'm not even gonna lie: I giggled. Like a schoolgirl. Now you may be wondering, "but GW, how you gonna giggle like a schoolgirl if you don't have a plaid skirt and knee-socks on?" Oh I do. And I am HOT for teacher.

Hit it for the worthwhile video. *waves hand in Jedi mind-trick motion*

Continue Reading " Yoda Recording His Lines For The Star Wars TomTom Voices "

Jul 9 2010 You'll Never Kill Dessert!: Bulletproof "Custard"

I know that's not actually custard in the picture, but it IS instant pistachio pudding, which is not only delicious, but may or may not be stab-proof (you slather it on your chest -- I'll get a knife).

British scientists have created a way to make bulletproof vests lighter and less cumbersome.

BAE Systems in the UK fired ball bearing shaped bullets at over 300 meters per second into two test materials: 31 layers of untreated Kevlar and 10 layers of Kevlar combined with its liquid armor. What it found was that the liquid/Kevlar combination was much more effective than Kevlar alone.

While research into liquid armor isn't new, BAE believes that its tests are the first clear evidence that such material could protect soldiers from bullets and shrapnel. It also thinks that the liquid could make body armor much more comfortable to wear, as the amount of material required to offer decent protection is much reduced.

I didn't bother reading any of that, but I did just make some crème brûlée body armor. Haha, what do you mean, "I don't think that's what they had in mind?" SHUT UP AND SHOOT ME, SISSYBOY!

Liquid armour 'can stop bullets' [bbcnews] (with video)
via
Scientists Develop "Bulletproof Custard" [escapistmagazine]

Thanks to The Eagle, who will one day rise again from the ashes. No? That's not you? Oh.

Jul 9 2010 CODE RED!: The NSFW Safety Advisory Chart

Great, now I want a Code Red. F***ing love that stuff. I'll even finish a bottle that's been rolling around in the backseat of my burning-hot car for fours days. You think I'm above that? I'm not above anything. This is the NSFW Workplace Safety Advisory System, it works just like the color-coded Homeland Security Advisory System. I don't know about you, but I could die happily never seeing a threat over yellow. You? I can tell you're a deviant. "LET'S CRANK THAT SHIT UP TO PURPLISH-BLACK AND DO THIS!"

NSFW Workplace Safety Advisory System [buzzfeed]

Jul 9 2010 Will It Shred?: iPad To Skateboard Conversion

Jeff King and Chad Knight went and turned an iPad into a skateboard. But will it shred? You're gonna have to watch to find out! Or just keep reading. No, no it will not.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Will It Shred?: iPad To Skateboard Conversion "

Jul 8 2010 Why Geeks Are Better At Sex, A List

This is a list somebody wrote allegedly explaining why geeks make superior lovers (which is 100% true). Some of the reasons I agree with, but most of it sounds like it was written by someone who's never seen a vagina before (is it true they look like baby crocodiles?!).

1. we're more curious than the rest of the population.

2. We're hackers by trade, so we are open to trying new things.

3. We produce things for ordinary users, so we're more attuned to producing an orgasm in our partner then the rest of the population.

4. We use technology to help get you in the mood even before you arrive.

5. We're more likely to mute our telephone, and turn down the volume on the computer so incoming IM's don't make a sound. We're also used to not answering the telephone, instead preferring asynchronous means of communications.

6. We watch a lot of porn, so we know a lot of positions. This means we're open to trying them all.

7. Geeks multitask. So we pleasure multiple erogenous zones in our partners... kissing, f***ing, tweaking and rubbing all at the same time.

8. We are more available. We can fix your vibrator when we're not. Other people are not gonna steal us. We're smart, and increasingly, we're rich.

9. We're sensitive to your needs. We learn this by spending way too much time with google analytics, nagios, server load times and iO rates.

10. Finally, we're geeks. Girls prefer jocks. So we will go out of our way to be special to you.

I'm pretty sure I could easily come up with a more convincing list. And I'm not just saying that because I'm probably definitely the most accomplished lover in the room, but I've never let my partner down. Sat on it a few times, sure, but never let it down. Have I, Rosie? Rosie?! Oh come on -- TAKE THE OVEN MITT OFF AND TALK TO ME!

Why geeks rock at sex [askmygirlfriend]

Thanks to Brandon, who's won the World's Greatest Lover contest three years running and has the novelty coffee mugs to prove it (you bought them at the beach, didn't you?).

Jul 8 2010 That Sounds Safe: Water Resistant Power Strip

We've all been there: you need to plug in the microwave to cook a Hot Pocket but you're in the bathtub getting all prune-y. What do you do? Go ahead and plug that shit in thanks to the $35 Wet Circuit water resistant power strip! (And toss a Kid Cuisine in for me while you're at it)

It's patented design ensures that electricity will be conducted only when a "proper plug is 100% inserted into the outlet." The outlets are coated with a "special protective material", making them water resistant, although the company admits that if the power strip is submerged for more than 2 hours then its circuits will be wet.

I dunno, I'm still skeptical. And the last thing I need is my bathroom microwave shorting out when I still have a minute-and-a-half left on the popcorn. YOU'RE NOT GYPPING ME OUT OF ANY UNPOPPED KERNELS!

wet circuits: the safest power strip, as seen on youtube! [technabob]

Thanks to Kirstie, who turned a year older today. Here, we all chipped in and got you a cake. Huh? No I didn't replace the candles with fireworks! Yes, yes I did too -- BETTER START BLOWIN'!

Jul 8 2010 Don't Try To Tempt Me!: Beer Fetching Robot

Now I know what you're thinking, "PR2? I think I saw that in the theater -- I hate sequels". And that may be true, but I'm not referring to PR2 the fictitious movie sequel, I'm talkin' bout the beer-fetching robot, yo. Great idea, right? No. Don't come crying to me when your sixth beer's poison!

...this one can open beer bottles, and its object and face recognition allows it to differentiate brands of beer in the 'fridge. It uses face detection to deliver it to the right person, and is adaptable to your particular refrigerator.

I'd rather train a dog. I don't even care if it's an ugly dog. Ugly dogs need jobs too you know. Isn't that right, Chloe? Kidding -- you know you're my beautiful baby girl! Except for that underbite. Now be a good girl and go make daddy a sandwich.
...
...
...CHLOE!! WHY DOES THIS SANDWICH LOOK LIKE IT CAME OUT OF A CAN?!

Hit the jump for a video of the beer-bot in action.

Continue Reading " Don't Try To Tempt Me!: Beer Fetching Robot "

Jul 8 2010 OM NOM NOM!: Candwich Canned Sanwiches

You know what the problem with sandwiches is? They're too hard to transport. What they need to do is invent specially-sized bags to tote them around in. Oh they've got those? WHERE THE F*** HAVE I BEEN?! Anyway, if you're too lazy to make a sandwich or worry your canned Coke will flatten it in your Alf lunchbox, there's Candwiches. Canwiches are canned sandwiches (NOT CHEESEBURGERS) and come in PB&Strawberry J, PB&Grape J, and Barbecued Chicken flavors. I'm gonna get one of each and mush them all together! Then vomit!

In related news, a major financier is being sued for fraud after collecting moneys to invest in commercial real-estate loans, only to turn around and invest in Canwiches instead. Can you blame him? These things are gonna explode on the market! Possibly from botulism.

In all, Travis L. Wright raised $145 million from 175 investors between 2001 and 2009, according to the suit. He only invested $6 million in the kinds of things he said he would be investing in, the SEC says.

Wright also spent $15 million of investors' money for his own expenses, according to the lawsuit. Among other things, he bought a house formerly owned by an unnamed pro basketball player. And he paved his driveway using cobblestones imported from France.

Oh man, wait till those investors get their hands on him. They're gonna open a Candwich of whoop-ass on that bastard. Possibly even a six-pack. You hear me, Travis? You gonna be eating Candwiches through a straw!

Product Site
and
Sandwich-In-A-Can Financier Sued For Fraud [npr]

Thanks to Mike, who's trying to convince me to invest in his canned mashed potato business. Hmmm, I dunno.

Jul 8 2010 Super Mario Bros, The Way It Was Meant To Be Played: On A, Uh, Graffiti-Covered Wall?

This is a video of several Super Mario levels being played on a city sidewalk. Except they weren't actually played on the sidewalk, the video was motion-tracked and then the Mario levels were superimposed to appear as if they were played on the sidewalk. Which, I bet if you asked Shigeru Miyamoto, is the way the game was meant to be played. Ooooor projected onto a bath-towel while you sit on the shitter. Which, no lie, is exactly how I beat Ocarina of Time.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Super Mario Bros, The Way It Was Meant To Be Played: On A, Uh, Graffiti-Covered Wall? "

Jul 8 2010 Surprise!: Non-Lethal Tactical Blinky Balls

When it comes to taking down perps, you don't always want to shoot them in the face and have their brains explode all over the wall. Wait -- you don't?! No, you don't. Sometimes you're gonna need to torture them first to gain vital information. Aaaaaah, right right right!

Tactical Balls - Rolling Illumination and Disorientation Device. [TACTBAL]

Designed for use by Law Enforcement agencies these tactical balls are switched on and rolled into an area to distract the culprit and give the police essential moments to move in and take whatever action they deem to be necessary.

Supplied in sets of 3 with a belt pouch to house them, the tactical balls will each run for up to 20 hours on 2 x CR2032 batteries (supplied), delivering an output of > 13,000 MCD.

I don't know how bright 13,000 MCD is, but I guess it's pretty bright. Still, what's wrong with just using fireworks? That was a trick question, there's absolutely nothing wrong with using fireworks. And that goes for replacing the candles on a birthday cake too. Now make a wish! I wish I could see again.

Product Site

Thanks to stubags, who distracts culprits with his actual balls. You can't help but look!

Jul 8 2010 When Missing A Kickflip Means Certain Death: Riding The World's Largest Skateboard

This is a video of the world's largest skateboard. How big is the world's largest skateboard? Bigger than a breadbox, smaller than the planet. That should give you a pretty good idea. Did I ever tell you I broke my arm trying to ollie over the recycling bin in my driveway? That happened. No, you're the poser! But in the great words of Evel Knievel: bones heal, chicks dig scars, pain is temporary, glory is for HOLY SHIT I CAN SEE THE BONE. MOM -- CALL THE AMBERLAMPS!

Hit it for the Paul Bunyan-y board.

Continue Reading " When Missing A Kickflip Means Certain Death: Riding The World's Largest Skateboard "

Jul 8 2010 No Playing With Your Food!: Mario Chess Cake

DeviantARTist Anafuji went and made this Mario-themed chess cake for somebody's birthday. Or maybe a retirement party. Or just for fun. I don't actually know, but I felt guilty when I realized I might be lying to you. I want you to know I wouldn't do that because I really believe what we have is special. And not, "I saw GW eating paint chips" special either. Speaking of -- do you you live in an old house? Awesome, take this putty knife and bring back everything you can scrape off the window sills.

One more shot from above after the jump.

Continue Reading " No Playing With Your Food!: Mario Chess Cake "

Jul 7 2010 Plastic PEWs!: Stop-Motion LEGO Shootout

This is a video of a stop-motion LEGO shootout. If I didn't know better, I'd swear it was pulled straight from a scene in a Hollywood blockbuster. And that I was on acid and my girlfriend's cat was telling me to kill the couple downstairs. DON'T YOU POUND ON THE CEILING WITH A BROOM HANDLE WHILE I'M FANCY FEASTING! Anyway, it's similar to THIS Matrix LEGO stop-motion, but with less recognizable characters. Like walking into a dark bar and thinking you recognize somebody, only to realize too late it's a guy dressed as a woman but you don't care because you're lonely and haven't had a kiss in nine months. Yes, just like that.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Plastic PEWs!: Stop-Motion LEGO Shootout "

Jul 7 2010 How Can You Ever Swim With That Thing?!: Deep-Sea Squid's Johnson Is As Long As It Is

See this series of pictures? It's a deep sea squid. In the first picture it's just a normal-ass looking squid, right? Well in the second one its been dissected to see its johnson. It's the white tubular (but not in a gnarly, hang-ten kind of way) thing in the lower half of the photo. And the third picture -- oh boy -- that's the same wiener, erect. I know, I just puked up the last of the deviled eggs from the 4th.

The male squid's sexual organ is almost as long as its whole body, including the squid's mantle, head and arms.

The squid uses its lengthy organ to reach into the body of the female, and it then injects the sperm directly to prevent it being washed away.

How the sperm injected into a female's body then reaches her reproductive organs remains a mystery.

Listen: I find biology as fascinated as the next guy who's ever pleasured himself to a science textbook, but that. is. disgusting. Could you even imagine living with a member as tall as you are? STORY OF MY LIFE, SUCKERS! I had to weld two wheelbarrows together. Also, I guarantee this thing's a delicacy somewhere.

Super squid sex organ discovered [bbcnews]

Thanks to Bertoni, ThatHorseRusty, Tim, Jennaiii, erin and I Prefer Lobster, who are all perverts whether they admit it or not.

Jul 7 2010 AMAZING Stop Motion Shows Evolution Of Earth From Big Bang To Nuclear Apocalypse

Painter/stop-motion animator Blu (who did THIS amazing work featured awhile ago) is back at it with 'BIG BANG BIG BOOM', a 10-minute "moving" painting showing the evolution of the earth, from big bang to eventual nuclear destruction. Did I mention there were several minutes of dinosaurs? *zipping pants* Because there were. RAWR! God, I can't even imagine how much paint the whole thing required. Gallons. Somebody got approved for a Home Depot credit card! (Buy me a chainsaw)

Hit it for the video and stick it to the man for 10 whole minutes.

Continue Reading " AMAZING Stop Motion Shows Evolution Of Earth From Big Bang To Nuclear Apocalypse "

Jul 7 2010 Hoversharks: Fill The Oceans With Concrete!

Between the oil spills and hoversharks, I propose we go ahead fill the oceans with concrete. Not only will we never have to worry about tsunamis, but -- OMG, I JUST SOLVED THE OVERCROWDING PROBLEM! There, uh, was a population overcrowding problem, right? Who cares, I'm walking to China!

Hovershark [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Christopher, who I'm pretending is Mr. Walken to boost my self-esteem. Loved you in King of New York!

Jul 7 2010 That's No Moon, It's Dessert!: Deathstar Cookie

This is a giant cookie decorated to look like the Deathstar. Want to bake your own? Cool, here's what you do: 1) Make a big-ass ball of cookie dough and put it in the oven. 2) Poke it with a toothpick and lightly press it with a knife halfway through baking. 3) Pull it out of the oven and 4) realize what a terrible f***ing job you've done. 5) Ask your mommy to make you a better one but 6) eat all the remaining dough before she can so that you can 7) gloat about how much better yours turned out. 8) Get kicked out of the basement.

HOWTO Make a Death Star Cookie [boingboing]

Thanks to David B., who once bit the head off an Ewok cookie and didn't even feel bad about it. Cold blooded!

Jul 7 2010 WTF Is He On?: Over-Dramatic Rainbow Guy

This video has been out for awhile and I saw it before it was even recorded, but it's making it's way around the internet again and I'm afraid I won't stop getting the tip unless I post it (ha, like that'll stop you!), so here it is for those of you who haven't seen it. It's a video of a double rainbow shot by some guy who can't believe his luck. I'll break it down for you:

0:00 - 1:00 Guy acts like he just won the lottery
1:00 - 3:00 Guy cries like a little baby
3:00 - 3:30 Guy may or may not have an orgasm

Jesus, sounds like every sexual experience I've ever had. Except I usually cry into a sock afterward as well. Great, now I need ice cream.

Hit it for the live-action version.

Continue Reading " WTF Is He On?: Over-Dramatic Rainbow Guy "

Jul 7 2010 Sexy: Neanderthals Had Popeye-Like Arms

According to a recent report, Neanderthals had giant, Popeye-like right arms, possibly due in part to an all-meat diet. I call the heart!

Remains of an early Neanderthal with a super strong arm suggest that Neanderthal fellows were heavily pumped up on male hormones, possessing a hormonal status unlike anything that exists in humans today

This condition might have evolved as a result of inherited genes, life in an often cold, northern climate, and an almost all-meat diet.

Mednikova and her colleagues explained that edible plants in colder regions were few and far between, and the vegetation period was short. With little fruit and vegetables, the Neanderthals became "specialized hunters who hunted terrestrial herbivores," such as mammoths and forest deer. Their diet then consisted "nearly exclusively of proteins and lipids," which must have affected their hormones and bones.

Interesting theory, "scientists", but I happen to believe there's a much simpler explanation for Ug's giant arm: constantly pleasuring himself to dinos. And can you blame him? No. But I can still be jealous.

Neanderthal Males Had Popeye-Like Arms [discover]

Jul 7 2010 For Mile-High Love Makin': A Cockpit Bedroom

I'm not even gonna lie: I've never made love on an airplane. Something about trying to get it on in the tiny bathroom an overweight businessman just spent twenty minutes vacating the fast food from his bowels in makes my penis want to shrivel up and hide in an overhead bin. But maybe that's just me. At first glance this picture may look like somebody decorated their bedroom like an airplane cockpit, but if you look closely with a magnifying glass you'll discover it's actually a wall mural. Oooooor that your computer screen is just a bunch of colored dots. Who knew?!

Cockpit Bedroom is all Kinds of Sad [uberreview]

Jul 6 2010 Haha, Zack -- You Suck At Stealing Internets

If there's one thing Zack loves, it's not paying for internet. If there's two, it's not paying for internet, and using said pirated webs to download videos of pr0n actress Amy Reid and leave them where they can be discovered by the ladies he's stealing his tubes from in the first place. Which, at least in my opinion, should be prosecuted like exposing yourself on a crowded city bus. But that's not my point, my point is this: why does it look like the note is taped to a mattress? And, perhaps even more importantly, do you think they signed the note, 'THE GIRLS WHOSE WIRELESS YOU ARE JACKING' as an intentional double-entendre? Jacking -- get it?! Like stealing a car. No? Beats me then. *swish* I want 3-points for that one.

Steal Our Wireless But Hide Your Porn, Perv--Sincerely, The Girls Downstairs [gizmodo]

Thanks to Zach, who made sure to point out his name is spelled with an H instead of a K so there is absolutely no way this could be him.

Jul 6 2010 Darth Vader + Steve Buscemi = Darth Buscemi

Steve Buscemi, best known for reminding everyone of the creepy uncle they don't feel comfortable being left alone with, is one interesting looking fellow. And by interesting I mean not attractive. If he were a children's story he would be 'The Ugly Duckling'. But instead of turning into a beautiful swan at the end he'd get beat to death with a shovel for scaring all the other birds. That said, I think he's handsome as hell. And here he is taking the place of ol' rutabaga head.

Darth Buscemi [ugliesttattoos]

Thanks to Romeo, who was considering a Donny from 'The Big Lebowski' tattoo but decided it wouldn't tie his arm together after all.

Jul 6 2010 DO NOT LIKE, DO NOT LIKE!: The World's Most Realistic (+ Creepy) Human Face Mask

Note: Video is after the jump because you can't not shit your pants.

This is a video of what is allegedly the world's most realistic looking human face mask. It was made by the folks at SPFXMasks and is illegal for felons to purchase. Okay, I made that up. What I didn't make up was the exam I missed in physics last semester, which is why I have to lie about graduating.

Hit it for the frightening video (available in full HD!).

Continue Reading " DO NOT LIKE, DO NOT LIKE!: The World's Most Realistic (+ Creepy) Human Face Mask "

Jul 6 2010 Please Tell Me That Didn't Come Out Of Magneto: Magnetic Silly Putty

Magnetic Thinking Putty is exactly what it sounds like if you replace 'Thinking' With 'Silly': $14 magnetic silly putty. BUT CAN IT STILL COPY THE FUNNIES?!

Magnetic Thinking Putty takes regular "silly" putty and turns its awesomeness up to 11. Like any other putty, it can be stretched, bounced, molded, popped, and torn. However, when this putty is in the presence of a magnetic field, it exhibits fascinating properties.

Millions of tiny micron-sized magnets are embedded in each handful of Magnetic Thinking Putty. Use the included super-strong neodymium iron boron cube magnet to control the putty like a snake charmer.

There's a time-lapse video of the putty swallowing its magnet after the jump, but be warned: it looks exactly like how I've always imagined a lady's parts. Kidding. No, no I'm not either. Admittedly, Magnetic Thinking Putty does sound fun, but I've already taken the concept one step further: broken glass putty. Here -- CATCH! Haha -- NOT SO SILLY NOW IS IT?

Hit the jump for a couple worthwhile videos.

Continue Reading " Please Tell Me That Didn't Come Out Of Magneto: Magnetic Silly Putty "

Jul 6 2010 Well He DID Sing When Doves Cry: Musician Prince Claims The Internet Is 'Completely Over'

Prince, best known for looking like a pretty lady with a skeezy mustache who tried changing his name to a symbol, claims the internet is beat and it's time to move on. Well damn, way to Purple Rain on my online parade!

Unlike most other rock stars, he has banned YouTube and iTunes from using any of his music and has even closed down his own official website.

He says: "The internet's completely over. I don't see why I should give my new music to iTunes or anyone else. They won't pay me an advance for it and then they get angry when they can't get it.

"The internet's like MTV. At one time MTV was hip and suddenly it became outdated. Anyway, all these computers and digital gadgets are no good.

"They just fill your head with numbers and that can't be good for you."

Listen: I hate numbers as much as the next guy who never learned how to long divide. And I'll also be the first to admit that except for The Hills, MTV sucks balls. Haha, stop throwing things at me. But seriously, Princess -- can I call you Princess? My point is, Squire, the internet ain't dead. It'll live on forever in the hearts and minds of our robotic overlords. What?! I'm being for real real not for play play.

Prince - world exclusive interview: Peter Willis goes inside the star's secret world [mirror]

Thanks to Jessie, blackstar, Smoke 'Em If Ya Got 'Em, allison and Mays, who thought the internet was dead for a second but it was just holding its breath and playing dead. Which is exactly why they poked it in the eye with a stick. Smart thinking -- were you all Boy Scouts?

Jul 6 2010 Maybe The Future Is Now: BTTF Power Laces

To make up for that whole Back to the Future hoax, here's some hope that maybe by 2015 we actually will have all the stuff they did in the movie. Starting with: POWER WHEELS LACES! Plus they only require a giant proton pack strapped to the back to work! Technology!

Inspired by 'Back to The Future II', this project is less 'Practical' than 'Proof of Concept', but hopefully it'll tide you over until Nike comes out with something more polished.

This was also the first time I worked with an Arduino microcontroller, and I wanted to get some experience with the little guy.

Operation is quite simple- step into the shoe and a force sensor reads the pressure of your foot and activates two servo motors, which apply tension to the laces, tightening the shoe. A touch switch reverses the servos.

Impressive, Power Laces, but I'd like you to meet the real future of shoe technology. Power Laces, this is Velcro. Velcro, Power Laces. Now you two choke each other while I look for my other flip-flop.

Hit the jump for several more pictures and a worthwhile video of the laces in action.

Continue Reading " Maybe The Future Is Now: BTTF Power Laces "

Jul 6 2010 You Know Money Still Doesn't Buy Class, Right?: Ridiculous $20K Diamond iPhone 4

You'd think a company selling a $20K diamond-encrusted iPhone would be able to come up with a better looking picture. But what do I know? I'm just a man with limited Photoshop skills who's selling Bedazzled iPhones to stupid rich people. These phones are the shit, that's what!

Jeweler/gadget-monger Stuart Hughes is selling diamond-encrusted iPhone 4 devices for $20,000 -- but order quickly, as only 50 of these devices will be made.

These gaudy gadgets come unlocked "for worldwide use" and absolutely sparkling with 6.5 carats of VVS quality, F-color diamonds and a complimentary carrying case made of ostrich foot. The back of the device features a solid platinum and diamond version of the Apple logo.

Ostrich foot -- WTF?! Do the ostriches have to run on stumps until they grow back? What do you mean, "they're not f***ing starfish, GW"? WHAT AREN'T YOU TELLING ME?!

Get a Diamond-Encrusted iPhone 4 for Just $20,000 [mashable]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who -- I couldn't have said it better myself.

Jul 6 2010 Don't Be Fooled!: Back To The Future II Hoax

Due to a crappy Photoshop job of the DeLorean's time circuits (above), there's an internet rumor going around that in Back to the Future II Marty travels into the future to July 5th, 2010 (yesterday). WELL IT ISN'T TRUE. In reality, Marty travels to October 21, 2015. Which is good news if you think about it because that means there's still hope for hoverboards, power laces and vacuum jackets. If he had actually traveled to today I'd be depressed as shit Max Headroom didn't serve my breakfast. But there's still time! You hear that, Max? Better make some Headroom in that robotic ass of yours for a size 12 rocketboot!

Thanks to Oddo, pjg, Rigo, LEV3_1, Steve, Alizzan, Sadie, Guava, Shane and Jim, who I'm convinced were all trying to trick me to make me feel like a horse's buttcheeks.

Jul 5 2010 I Like Turtles: Video Shot In Turtle's Eye View

Ever wonder what it would be like to be a turtle? Chug a canister of ooze wearing a ninja turtle costume. Trust me, I know how these things work. Oooor watch this video from the the TortuCam! WTF's a TortuCam? A waterproof camera strapped to the back of a turtle, dummy! God, look at the f***ing picture. Anyway, as cute as the video is, as an amateur herpetologist I can't recommend you letting a turtle swim in a chemical-filled pool. It's not healthy. Like wearing a bathing suit to a waterpark. What? THIS BOA'S GOTTA BREATHE!

Hit the jump for the worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " I Like Turtles: Video Shot In Turtle's Eye View "

Jul 5 2010 In Honor Of The 4th: Pizza, The American Way

In honor of celebrating America's independence yesterday and my being released from jail without having to spend the entire night (4 AM), here's a pizza made the American way. What's the American way? Try two McDonalds cheeseburgers, an order of nuggets and a box of fries, all covered in a delicious layer of melted cheese. Pfft, and you thought the hotdogs you grilled yesterday were good. Your taste buds don't know shit about deliciousness! Hello? Who is this? My heart? Haha, what do you mean you're attacking? Attacking wha-- GAAAH!!

Hit the jump for a photo-tutorial of the pizza-making process, along with a mandatory shot of the pizza with a firearm (U-S-A!).

Continue Reading " In Honor Of The 4th: Pizza, The American Way "

Jul 5 2010 In A World With No Metal: Cardboard Warfare

This is a 3:30 war movie made entirely with cardboard weaponry. It's incredibly well made though. Granted not as good as Saving Private Ryan or Band of Brothers, but if you expected it to be you obviously have zero grasp on reality.

This video took about a month and a half of planning, making cardboard guns, filming, and editing. Really COol!

Make this video, you will need:

- 254 program crashes
- 427 manual frames to rotoscope
- 59 layers of sound effects
- a BUTTLOAD of cardboard and box cutters
- and a katamari

That's, uh....that's a lot of program crashes. Maybe you should, oh I don't know, CONSIDER SWITCHING TO A MAC. Kidding, don't do that. Or should you? Let the flamin' begin!

Hit it for the action-packed video.

Continue Reading " In A World With No Metal: Cardboard Warfare "

Jul 5 2010 Twilight Eclipse Claims Moviegoer's Life

In news that shouldn't surprise anyone who's fallen head-over-heels for a twinkly-ass vampire only to find out that, not only is he pretending his hardest not to be gay, but he's gonna end up marrying a two-timing, wolf-loving floozy, watching Twilight Eclipse has claimed a man's life.

Wellington police spokeswoman Victoria Evans said the man's body was found by a cleaner at Reading Cinemas on Courtenay Place shortly before 8.30pm.

The man had attended a 6pm screening of the film, the latest instalment in the supernatural Twilight franchise, which revolves around a love triangle between human girl Bella, vampire Edward Cullen and werewolf Jacob Black.

At a press conference this evening, police said the man's death was not suspicious and he had no obvious injuries.

The man was slumped in his seat, and the cleaner thought he was asleep.

I 100% believe Twilight killed this man. And I'm not just saying that because the trailer alone was enough to make me throw myself off the balcony into a tub of popcorn below, BUT STOP SKIMPING ON THE FAKE BUTTER SAUCE.

Man found dead after Twilight screening in Wellington [stuff]

Thanks to Beastman AIDS, which, fun fact: was actually Stephenie Meyer's original name for Jacob.

Jul 4 2010 Yay, Independence: Happy Fourth Of July!

Readers,

I though I'd take a second out of my busy schedule laying in bed to wish you all a happy and safe fourth of July. So get out there and grill something or whatever the hell people do to celebrate. And before you goobers begin the America trolling, remember: some countries don't even have fireworks. Have a great fourth everybody and I'll be back tomorrow. Possibly from the hospital!

Be safe (you only get 10 fingers),

The Geekologie Writer

Jul 3 2010 WTF Was That?: Guy Girl Threatens To Beat The S#!T Out Of Ex-Guilders With A Car Jack

Note: Video is after the jump and VERY NSFW due to heavy profanity use (read: f-bombs).

This is a video of some chick I'm still not convinced isn't a guy ranting about her ex-World of Warcraft guild and threatening to beat them all in the head with a car jack. It's disturbing to say the least. I really want to believe it's fake like the Starcraft beta-key girl, but I don't think it is. At the very least, it's filled with some amazing (not to mention ironic) lines that I'm gonna speak in exclusively for the rest of the weekend. "Hey GW, want another beer?" "I AM GONNA [BLEEPING] HIT YOU -- IN THE HEAD -- AS HARD AS I [BLEEPING] CAN AND [BLEEPING] CRACK YOUR SKULL OPEN AND HAVE YOUR BRAINS LAYING ON THE [BLEEPING] GROUND, [MUTHERBLEEPER]! Did you say beer? Sure I'll take one."

Hit it for the WTF did I just watch?!

Continue Reading " WTF Was That?: Guy Girl Threatens To Beat The S#!T Out Of Ex-Guilders With A Car Jack "

Jul 3 2010 'I Kissed A Nerd' Parody Song And Music Video

This is a parody of the Katy Perry (who's actually a parody of a real musician) hit 'I Kissed a Girl'. Except this one's called 'I Kissed a Nerd'. It was created by the Damsels of Dorkington and is definitely worth a watch if you're bored. Or lonely. Or looking for love in all the wrong places. IN THE FREEZER, REALLY?! Ooooh -- we should cook those pizza rolls.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " 'I Kissed A Nerd' Parody Song And Music Video "

Jul 3 2010 Another Day, Another Expensive Gadget Getting Sniper Rifled: The iPad Edition

Because it's the Saturday before the 4th of July and I have two garbage bags full of homemade fireworks practically begging me to blow all my digits off, I'm gonna post a couple videos I've been meaning to get out of the way. This is one of an iPad getting shot with a Barrett M82A1 by the same guys that sniped the iPhone 4. So, uh, what the hell's up with shooting/blending all the latest gadgets? Sounds like an expensive hobby. Is this how you get your own reality show? Because if it is I'll put a hole through this f***ing laptop right this second. You hear that, Kourtney and Khloe?! I could take Miami.

Hit the jump for the video, along with a bonus slow-mo watermelon sniping because it is the 4th of July weekend.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Expensive Gadget Getting Sniper Rifled: The iPad Edition "

Jul 2 2010 Whom Shall You Telegram?: Old-Timey Steampunk Ghostbusters Commercial

This is a commercial for The League of S.T.E.A.M. (Supernatural and Troublesome Ectoplasmic Apparitional Management), a Victorian-looking ghost elimination company. I thought it was pretty cute. If you like what you see, they have a series of shorts on Youtube of them catching spirits or whatever the hell a bunch of steampunky ghostbusters do. And speaking of catching spirits -- toss me an airplane bottle and LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED! Happy 4th of July weekend everybody!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Whom Shall You Telegram?: Old-Timey Steampunk Ghostbusters Commercial "

Jul 2 2010 Picture Of A Nuke Detonated In Outerspace

This is a recently declassified photo from 1962 of the only nuke ever detonated in space by humans. But what about aliens? They detonate those things all the f***ing time. I'm talking like fireworks on the 4th of July. I know, I know -- that tie-in was the shit.

Why, pray tell, did the government want to launch nukes into space? Well, apparently they wanted to test a few theories.

The plan was to send rockets hundreds of miles up, higher than the Earth's atmosphere, and then detonate nuclear weapons to see: a) If a bomb's radiation would make it harder to see what was up there (like incoming Russian missiles!); b) If an explosion would do any damage to objects nearby; c) If the Van Allen belts would move a blast down the bands to an earthly target (Moscow! for example); and -- most peculiar -- d) if a man-made explosion might "alter" the natural shape of the [Earth's magnetic] belts.

Um....I don't like the sound of any of that. It sounds like the kind of experiment I'd conduct. Listen: some serious shit's probably gonna go down and we all might die, but I already bought the supplies so we're doin' it anyway. Scott -- put down the booze, you're in charge of the explosives.

Image of the only nuke ever detonated in space [dvice]

Thanks to FDSY, who allegedly has the only real picture of the Death Star exploding. Oh really, then what's THIS?! Huh? Ha, that is my penis isn't it? Well....what do you think?

Jul 2 2010 Remember To Play Safe: Game Boy Condoms

This is a box of Game Boy themed wiener wrappers designed by artist/illustrator Ben Marsh. Each paper Game Boy comes filled with six cartridge-condoms to help prevent the spread of disease and crying babies.

The handheld-themed packaging contains six pleasurable varieties of "playable" prophylactics, each with its own punny name:

* Ribbed - The Long End of Zelda
* Heat - Dong
* Tingle - Bone Zone 2
* Thin - Super Mario Land of Love
* X Safe - Sextris
* Large - Donkey Shlong

Clever. Of course, I've been rocking video game condoms forever (read: putting my wiener through the hole in PS3 discs). Don't tell the guys at GameStop!

Hit the jump for several more shots of the safety first.

Continue Reading " Remember To Play Safe: Game Boy Condoms "

Jul 2 2010 Quick Draw Kitty: Jack Cat In The Box

Because it's the Friday before a holiday weekend and I haven't stopped drinking since Cinco de Mayo '94, here comes a video of a cat in a box that attacks with lightning-fast reflexes if you get too close. Hello, Pentagon? Yeah, it's the Geekologie Writer again. WAIT -- don't hang up! I think I just solved the war on terror. Please, just hear me out: I think you should let me carry a bazooka.

Hit it for the fastest cat you ever did see.

Continue Reading " Quick Draw Kitty: Jack Cat In The Box "

Jul 2 2010 I'll Stab You!: The Spork Multi-Purpose Tool

If there's one thing I love, it's huffing spraypaint at Home Depot a good multi-purpose tool. And now there's one shaped like a spork. What all can it do? Oh I don't know -- besides CUT THROUGH HUMAN BONE! Just kidding.

The Eat'N Tool was invented by NYC designer Liong Mah. While it looks like a spork at first glance, it's really so much more. It's also a bottle opener, perfect for popping open a brewski at the end of a long day of hiking. It's a screwdriver for quick fixes to your equipment or a pry tip for opening canisters. It also includes three metric wrench reliefs (10 mm, 8 mm, 6 mm), and a carabiner.

Okay I'm sorry but I lost it after realizing the thing's called Eating Tool. Which, admit it -- we've all done one time or another. Except me. You're the gay ones here.

ThinkGeek Product Site
via
One Spork Multitool To Rule Them All [gizmodo]

Jul 2 2010 I Believe I Can Fly: Adidas Hermes Hightops

I know all about Greek mythology because I've played through the entire God of War series twice, so I'm practically an expert. Sometimes the producers of Jeopardy even call me to make sure they've got their facts right. Having Alex Trebek's home phone number on speed dial aside, Herpes was the Greek messenger of the gods and wore a pair of sweet-ass winged shoes. Me? I prefer flip-flops.

Designed by Jeremy Scott, these 'Wings 2.0' will be available from the Adidas online store beginning August 10th. Which, I don't know if you remember or not, is two days before my birthday. AND I WANT THESE SHOES.

I believe I can fly
I believe I can jump clear over this guy
Think about it every night and day
Spread my wing shoes and uh-oh --
Not flying as high as I would have hoped
BOOM -- face-full of crotch!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the flying shoes.

Continue Reading " I Believe I Can Fly: Adidas Hermes Hightops "

Jul 2 2010 13-Year Old Makes Wall-Climbing Vacuum Suit

Seen here pretending to be more than two feet off the ground, 13-year old Hibiki Kono made himself a vacuum powered wall-climbing suit so he can escape the asylum and avenge his parents' deaths. Ooooor climb a brick wall while people take pictures.

Using a pair of 1,400-watt vacuums he purchased at UK retailer Tesco, Hibiki Kono hooked them up to a couple of large suction pads, and proceeded to ascend a vertical surface with the contraption strapped to his back and arms.

Well damn, future Mr. Dyson -- you've got inventor written all over you! Also, "I have sex with appliances". Let me guess: you had too much Sunny-D and passed out with your shoes on again.

Hit the jump for a video of Hibiki and his magic suit in action.

Continue Reading " 13-Year Old Makes Wall-Climbing Vacuum Suit "

Jul 2 2010 What Better Way To Teach Your Children...

About sex than a dino orgy? There aren't any. Are you getting this, the birds and bees?! Your shit doesn't even make sense! I've NEVER seen a bird and bee do it. The closest I've come is one wasp making sweet, stingy love to another, much deader wasp in the window sill. And one may have actually been a hornet!

Hit the jump for more dino-on-dino action (this time in a conga line!).

Continue Reading " What Better Way To Teach Your Children... "

Jul 1 2010 Waffles. On Sticks: The Wafflesicle Machine

Let's not kid ourselves, we all know the best foods come on sticks. Case in point: bacon, corn dogs, chocolate covered bananas and popsicles. AND NOW WAFFLES! Possibly made by the Blush Company to compliment the Corn Baller, the Lolly Waffle Maker can cook four 9-inch wafflesicles every two minutes. Which, if I learned anything about solving word problems in math class, is well over 14 waffles an hour. Breakfast will never be the same again. And not just because you're gonna be wearing butter and syrup on your shirt more often. No, eventually you'll start experimenting with waffles in the bedroom and next thing you know -- GAAAAHH!! -- you've poked your partner's eyes out with a wafflesicle stick. Safety goggles. That's the real lesson here.

The Wafflesicle Maker Has Changed Breakfast Forever [gizmodo]

Jul 1 2010 A Trip Down Memory Lane: 30 Years Of Apple Computers In 2-Minutes, With CG Morphing!

Gary Katz, best known for making this Apple Store diorama out of a shoebox and a couple iPhones, has gone and created a visual history of Apple computers using ONLY THE MODELS HE'S OWNED HIMSELF. Which is a lot of them. I counted at least a million.

Apple a day...Take a look at the design and progression of Apple computers from the Apple II to the current models. This video shows the computers I've kept for one reason or another morphing from one design to the next. It's a little over 30 years in a little over 2 minutes. Sadly, it doesn't include many iconic Apple products (Apple IIc, Apple IIgs, Quadra etc), only the machines I've personally owned or acquired over the years.

Did you read that, would-be fanboys? You don't have shit on Gary! Gary's been suckling from Apple's teat since before you were even a worried look on your mom's face cause her iPad was dry. SNAP!

Hit it for the video, which features crazy morphing graphics like in Michael Jackson's iconic 'Black or White' music video.

Continue Reading " A Trip Down Memory Lane: 30 Years Of Apple Computers In 2-Minutes, With CG Morphing! "

Jul 1 2010 But Can It Go 88MPH? A DeLorean Hovercraft

This is a DeLorean hovercraft being built by Matthew Riese of San Francisco. Why build a DeLorean hovercraft? *facepalm* Get out of here for even asking that. I'm serious -- I can't look at you right now.

If you're like me, when you saw the flying Delorean in Back to the Future, you thought, "I want one of those!" I think this dream has been brewing since I thought that as a kid, and a few years ago I decided to just build one.

When it is done, the craft will be able to hover on anything flat (asphalt, sand, water, etc), but it will be mostly driven on the San Francisco Bay. The hovercraft is registered with the DMV in California as a boat (it is not street legal). The top speed should be around 45 mph, which is pretty impressive for a vehicle with no breaks

You know what else would be impressive for a vehicle with no brakes, Matthew? Being able to stop on a dime. Just sayin', that would be impressive!

Hit the jump for an early build pic and a moderately incredibly boring video with some shots of the prototype in which Matthew tries to convince you to donate some of the $5,500 needed to help fund the project.

Continue Reading " But Can It Go 88MPH? A DeLorean Hovercraft "

Jul 1 2010 Fish With Mustaches Attracts More Ladies

Proving it's not just the size of your fishstick (or hush-puppies) that attracts the opposite sex, scientists have discovered that male Mexican Mollies grow luscious mustaches (seen here practically making me beg for a ride) to attract the fish womens.

Scientists were unsure why male Mexican mollies wear an extravagant moustache-like structure on their top lip.

Now a study has revealed that female fish find the moustache sexually attractive, and it is likely to be a sexually selected trait.

As well as being visually-attractive, the moustache may be used to rub the female fish's genitals, exciting them.

Now I know what you're thinking, "reaaaally, GW? You really think fish mustaches attract the ladies?" And I'd like to answer that question with another question: Would I have I have just glued a fistful of pubes to my lip and hired a boat captain to take me on a mermaid-sighting tour if I didn't?

Male fish in Mexico sports sexy 'moustache' [bbcnews]

Thanks again to RyanThePerson, who'd I like to think was Googling, "what's a fair price to charge for mustache rides?" when he found the article.

Jul 1 2010 King Tut's Wiener Stolen For Being Too Small?

Allegedly King Tut's wiener was stolen after embalming to save him the afterlife embarrassment of having a small peener. Wait, WHAT?! That's not it on his chin?

According to Time magazine, a report in The New Scientist presents the possibility of an anatomical conspiracy.

While Egypt's chief archaeologist Zahi Hawass says Tut was well developed, even he cannot ignore the fact that the king's member is no longer attached to the mummy.

The mummy was intact at its first unwrapping in 1922. The penis was said to be missing in 1968 but a CT scan later showed that it was hidden by sand surrounding the mummy, reports The New York Daily News.

Some scientists believe the penis may have been swiped at some point after the body was embalmed, raising the possibility that it could have been a conspiracy to spare Tut, in the afterlife, the "locker room" variety of embarrassment.

WOW. Now I'm not saying there's no shame in dying with a small johnson, but I am begging one of you to tear my pecker off before the funeral. Oh -- and bring tweezers the jaws of life and a crowbar.

Did small size prompt the theft of King Tut's penis? [sifinews]

Thanks to RyanThePerson, who I'd like to pretend was Googling, "how to steal a penis" when he found the article.

Jul 1 2010 Interactive 8-Bit Twilight Game On Youtube

This is a mock-up of what an 8-bit Twilight video game might look like. But it's actually an interactive Youtube video so you get to make Bella's decisions for her choose-your-own-adventure style. Unfortunately there was no "jump in front of a bus and die" so I quit playing around the zero-second mark.

Hit it if you want to play.

Continue Reading " Interactive 8-Bit Twilight Game On Youtube "

Jul 1 2010 Suck It, Kraken!: Giant Whale Eating Whale

This is an artist's rendition (INVENT A TIME MACHINE ALREADY, GOD!) of Leviathan melvillei, a 12-million year old sperm whale that used to snack on other whales thanks to it's powerful jaws and foot-long teeth. ZOMG -- imagine the damage you could do at In-N-Out with those things!

"This is a pretty exciting discovery," says Erich Fitzgerald, a vertebrate paleontologist at Museum Victoria in Melbourne, Australia. Leviathan represents "one thing we don't have in the oceans today -- a macropredator, a hypercarnivorous whale."

Modern sperm whales feed largely on invertebrates such as giant squid, but have been known to feed on fish and other creatures as well. The extremely robust, deeply-rooted structure of Leviathan's teeth strongly suggests that the creature fed on large, presumably struggling bony prey like sharks do.

The whale was named in honor of Herman Melville, the author of Moby-Dick, which, no lie, was actually based on ancient tales (I'm like thousands of years old) of my white whale. So technically it should be called Leviathan gwmegapeen, but I'll let it slide -- JUST THIS ONCE.

Ancient Whale + Killer Shark = Hypercarnivorous Whale [wired]

Thanks to Mr Geek, Christian, Matty, Grace, Jennaiii, Divo, and Sam K, who would have trained the whales to be ridden and looted Atlantis.

Jul 1 2010 AT-AT Dog Recreates 'AT-AT Day Afternoon'

Okay so you remember the AT-AT costume Geekologie Reader Robert made his dog last Halloween? And you remember Patrick Boivi's recent animated short, 'AT-AT Day Afternoon'? Well Robert recreated the film using his costumed mini-pincher (complete with ventral-mounted laser blaster) and let me tell you: it's f***ing cute. Reminds me of the time I dressed Chloe as the Death Star until my roommate "that's no moon"ed her so many times it gave her a complex.

Hit it for the cuteness.

Continue Reading " AT-AT Dog Recreates 'AT-AT Day Afternoon' "

Jul 1 2010 I'd Dig It Up And Eat It: A Chocolate Skull

Apparently t-shirt purveyor Threadless is holding a contest where you bake cakes based on their shirts' graphics and win prizes. This is a skull cake based on the shirt graphic you see in the lower left corner, 'Bitter Teeth'. I don't know about you, but I don't care if it was buried with jewelry or not, I'd dig it up and eat it. And that's saying a lot (about how good it looks, not my willingness to dig up corpses).

First up, making the skull-face: I got an anatomical model of a human skull and a whole load of food grade silicone. After putty-ing up the fiddly details and finding suitable containers for the skull and jaw I poured the silicone around them and left it for 48 hours to set. After de-molding the originals I trimmed the molds down to make them more flexible. I cast the jaw and face out of milk chocolate and used dental tools to carve some of the detail back in.

Next the cakey cranium: I made chocolate sponge (pictured looking like a magnificent pair of um... mounds) and sandwiched them with yet more milk chocolate, I trimmed them down to the right size and shape and covered the lot in yet more milk chocolate for structural integrity.

finally, I poured over chocolate ganche and painted the teeth with high % dark chocolate.

Oh man, imagine how much better the movie wold have been if the latest Indy flick had been 'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Chocolate Skull'. At LEAST 2x. Plus they could have earned some extra dough with candy product placement. HAS E.T. TAUGHT US NOTHING?!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the skull, and a link to the contest page.

Continue Reading " I'd Dig It Up And Eat It: A Chocolate Skull "