Jun 30 2010 Woman Pissed After Google Street View Captures Her 3-Year Old's Naked Booty

Claire Rowlands is a British woman who's ultra-pissed after the Google Street View car inadvertently captured a shot of her 3-year old son's bare asscheeks. Pfft, I played in the front yard naked till I was 17.

She said: 'I just felt sick to my stomach when I saw the naked picture of Louis on the internet. I'm angry, disgusted and upset about it - they should be checking every image before it goes up.

'They should be extra careful on warm days because this is what children do - he was just playing in the garden and we didn't expect in a million years he'd have his picture taken and put on the internet for anyone to see.

'It's such a clear image, I see it as an indecent photograph - my concern is that paedophiles could see it and there's no way I ever wanted my son to be seen naked all over the world.

Google has now apologised and said it has blurred the image.

Two Three words: throw some pants on the kid and stop complaining. Nobody wants to see the little bastard running through the sprinkler naked anyways. Except the ice cream man, and he has his own camera.

Mother's fury after Google Street View publishes naked picture of her son, three, online [dailymail]
via
Woman's Horror at Google Street View Photo of Child's Bottom [gizmodo]

Jun 30 2010 Shredder Candy: Robotic Self-Folding Paper

Paper that folds itself: knowing the Japanese, it's probably what they had in mind when they invented origami BUT I DON'T LIKE IT. This is a demonstration of a sheet folding itself into a boat, then a plane. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, DECEPTICON!

Researchers embedded the pre-creased "shape-shifting sheet" with tiny switches and circuitry strips that spring into action when triggered by jolts of electricity, bringing the "origami robot" to life.

"The shape-shifting sheets demonstrate an end-to-end process that is a first step towards making everyday objects whose mechanical properties can be programmed," says project leader Robert Wood.

Interesting -- but can it crumble itself up into a ball and throw itself away? Get it?! Because it belongs with the rest of the trash. YOU WILL NEVER BE A NINJA STAR!

Hit the jump for a video of the paper in action.

Continue Reading " Shredder Candy: Robotic Self-Folding Paper "

Jun 30 2010 One Rock, Twenty Different Video Games

This is a little chart showing what the same rock would look like rendered in twenty different video games. For reference, pedra normal means normal rock in Portuguese and isn't the name of a video game. Or if it is, the most boring game ever. Move over, Super Watch Grass Grow!

Tudo depende do ponto de vista [capinaremos]
and
What One Rock Would Look Like In 20 Different Video Games [albotas]

Thanks to Romeo and Adam, who have both eaten rocks and shat gravel. Damn toughguys!

Jun 30 2010 STOP THE PRESSES!: An Armrest Mousepad

Want a mousepad at the end of your armrest? Who doesn't, amirite? Not you? GO-GO-GADGET REGRET ASKING.

This $43 padded armrest has plenty of room at the end for your mousing pleasure. All you have to do is securely fasten it to the armrest of just about any chair, and you're good to go. It can also attach to a desk or table

Count me in! And by in I mean out, I write Geekologie entirely from the comfort of bed. And by bed I mean carseat, and by carseat I mean babyseat. Oh -- somebody just found a Cheerio between the cushions!

Hit the jump for another shot and the installation instructions you'll never need.

Continue Reading " STOP THE PRESSES!: An Armrest Mousepad "

Jun 30 2010 Woman Crashes Car To Avoid Hitting Vampire

I'd have sped up. You know what a museum would pay for a vampire cadaver?! Me neither, but I'm willing to find out (I'll call the Smithsonian, you work on tickets to the next Twilight premier).

A woman says she crashed into a canal after spotting a vampire in the middle of a dirt road on the Western Slope on Sunday night.

The woman told the Colorado State Patrol that she saw the vampire in front of her car so she put her SUV into reverse and went into the canal in Mesa County.

State Patrol says it does not believe drugs or alcohol was involved in the crash and the woman was not charged.

However, investigators say there is evidence the woman was not taking her prescribed medication.

Wait -- seeing vampires when you don't take your meds? I want whatever she's not on.

Woman says she crashed while trying to avoid vampire [9news]

Thanks to Jake, who once crashed his Jeep after seeing a dino in the street. WHERE WAS THIS, GIMME THE DEETS!

Jun 30 2010 Finally!: Scientists Breed The Perfect Prawn

10 years in the making, scientists now believe they've bred the perfect prawn for farming. And if you guessed I'm only posting this because tipster killerabbit tricked me by writing "scientists develop perfect pr0n" in the subject line, congratulations, you're 110% correct. Sonofabitch.

After eight generations of selective breeding, one of CSIRO's industry partners, Gold Coast Marine Aquaculture, has this year achieved average yields of 17.5 tonnes per hectare -- more than double the industry's average production.

So good are these prawns that they have won five gold medals at the Sydney Royal Easter Show in the past two years, including 'Champion of Show', the highest award possible.

"The awards (Sydney Royal Easter Show) are professionally judged on many criteria including size, colour, taste and texture, so the results speak for themselves."

You know what else speak for themselves? Proud, independent women. What do you say ladies -- let's burn some bras! Mmmm, I love the smell of burning bras in the morning. Smells like...liberation the dryer I usually steal them out of. What?! I'm collecting nipple dust for a potion!

Is This the Perfect Prawn? [sciencedaily]

Thanks to killerabbit, who got me good and can expect a mail-bomb. Wait -- don't.

Jun 30 2010 Mustachioed Guy Singing Another Mario Song

Remember Sam Hart's original Mario Love Song? I'm not ashamed to admit I downloaded it my iTunes. Okay, maybe just a little. NO I'M NOT EITHER! That shit's my jam. Well this is his latest Mario-themed song, 'Mushroom Kingdom Gurls'. It's a parody of Katy Perry 'California Gurls', which I'm proud to admit I've only heard once, which was three times too many. Ha, did I say three? I meant I want to go back in time and bomb the recording studio.

Hit the jump for the worthwhile song.

Continue Reading " Mustachioed Guy Singing Another Mario Song "

Jun 30 2010 Blasphemous: Wonder Woman's New Look

So apparently starting with issue #600 (out today), Wonder Woman is hanging up her patriotic panties for yoga pants. In other news, Wonder Woman comic book sales to perverts have dropped 85%. Per Wonder Woman writer J. Michael Straczynski:

It's a look designed to be taken seriously as a warrior, in partial answer to the many female fans over the years who've asked, "how does she fight in that thing without all her parts falling out?") She can close it up to pass unnoticed...open it for the freedom to fight...lose the jacket or keep it on...it has pockets (the other fan question, "where does she carry anything in that outfit?", it can be accessorized...it's a Wonder Woman look designed for the 21st century. The bracelets are still there, but made more colorful, tied on the inside and over the hand, with a script W on each of them that form WW when she holds them side by side...and if you get hit by one of them, it leaves a W mark. This is a Wonder Woman who signs her work...letting her enemies know that she's getting closer.

"This is Wonder Woman reborn, literally and metaphorically: fast, elegant, tough, smart...the savior of her people, their guardian and protector...avenging the fall of Paradise Island, searching to discover why Paradise Island was abandoned by the gods. In the end, what she discovers will change her life and the world forever...and she will come face to face with a decision that will mean life or death for the entire human race."

I didn't actually read any of that because I'm too busy Photoshopping her pants back off, but I assume it had something to do with not wanting emergency services to see her granny panties in the event she crash her invisible plane. God, I bet Lynda Carter is rolling in her grave. Haha, what do you mean she's not dead? 1-800-CONTACTS what?!

Wonder Woman Put Some Pants On [dlisted]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who just printed out a copy of my Photoshopped version and took into the supply closet with a belt he spraypainted gold. Probably should have made a safe-word. And to Nepp, who didn't do that.

Jun 30 2010 I'll Crush You Like A Bug: Halo Elite Costume

This is a sweet-ass Halo Elite costume made by the black-t-shirt-loving guys at PeteManderGRX. I need that bike basket. Plus grill. The suit (which contains a human in its tummy) is like 8-feet tall and resembles a dinosaur in futuristic battle gear just enough for me to yell "DINO-RIDERS!" and tear my pants off. See you at ComicCon? (Meet me in the men's room)

Hit the jump for several close-ups and a five-minute video of the suit's construction.

Continue Reading " I'll Crush You Like A Bug: Halo Elite Costume "

Jun 29 2010 Info Graphics: Search Engines Of Yesteryear

Note: Don't squint, it'll make you go blind (and you play with yourself enough already), click HERE to see the informational graphic in all its full size glory.

Oh man, you remember when we used to search the interwebs with Alta Vista? Me neither. What were we, losers?! Okay, well I actually was (and still am). I also used to Ask Jeeves (Jeeves, will you go out with me?). But I never f***ed with HotBot (oxymoron) and I still use Yahoo and Bing fairly regularly when Google isn't finding the pictures I want. But you wanna know the very best search engine? The one right above the ad to the right. Just sayin': everything you need, all in one place. Like 7-11, if 7-11 sold prepackaged wisdom and frozen penis jokes.

SEARCH ENGINES OF THE PAST [madatoms]

Thanks to lil co., who searches the internet the old fashioned way: with a pipe and magnifying glass. Hey -- let me hit that.

Jun 29 2010 New Needle-Piercing Records Falls Short

Aryan Hopkins attempted two world records over the weekend: the most piercings in one sitting, and the most needle piercings ever. Well he got the most in one sitting (1,093) but fell short of the most ever (1,200). Plus was using smaller needles. CHEATERS NEVER WIN, ARYAN.

They wanted 2,000, but stopped piercing when Aryan Hopkins' body began to show signs of shock. They fell short of the overall record of 1,200 piercings, set in 2009, which used 16-gauge needles, which are larger than 18-gauge.

"It doesn't exactly hurt," Hopkins said. "It feels extremely weird."

You know what else feels extremely weird, Aryan? Asking a stranger if they'll help push Lifesavers up your ass. Oh come on man, they're Wint-O-Green.

Roseville man beats world record for most body piercings [rosevillept]
via
Tattoo Guy Stops at 1,093 Needles [albotas]

Jun 29 2010 Why You Sparkly Little Homewrecker: 'Twilight' Series Ruins Relationships

As news that should come to no surprise to anyone who's ever talked to somebody obsessed with the series, Twilight can seriously skew a person's view of relationships, and actually make their own, non-sparkly-vampire-movie-ones, suffer.

The [Los Angeles] Times found women who have nearly lost their marriages by neglecting their husbands in favor of "Twilight" fan sites, blogs, and message boards. One woman gushes that she's seen the movies "over 300 times."

"If there is a chemical that's released when you're falling in love, your brain has it when you're reading or watching 'Twilight.' You get that utopic feeling of first love and you want to experience it over and over again," one 50-year-old former engineer who has experienced her own "Twilight"-related marital problems, said. The names "Bella," "Jacob," and "Cullen" are climbing the popular-baby-name lists every year as more and more parents make their "Twilight" fandom a permanent part of their families.

While the phenomenon of life-altering "Twilight" obsession is mostly confined to women and girls, the Internet reveals that even some men are falling victim to the vampire love triangle. "How do I go about combating my husband's 'Twilight' addiction?" reads one desperate plea on Yahoo! Answers. "He even has a Team Edward sparkly shirt."

LOLWUT?! Your husband's gay, lady. Amirite, Team Jacob?! *high-five* Now let's transform and get the howl outta here -- I think I saw a deer carcass by the road.

Twilight Fans' Vampire Addiction Affecting Relationships [yahoomovies]

Thanks to Smith, who only needs one vampire in his life: Count Chocula.

Jun 29 2010 Let's Take This Meeting To The Bar!: Portable Office On Wheels (What, No Sleeping Bag?)

This is a portable office on wheels that has everything you need to pretend you're working just hard enough to not get fired. When unpacked it contains a desk, two chairs, some file organizers, a coffee maker, a light and a printer. What's that? Oh, sorry -- no printer. Also no comfortable place to sleep, which is why I quit my last job (read: got fired for sleeping in the janitor's closet (read: got fired for sleeping in the janitor's closet with my boss's secretary (read: got fired for masturbating in the janitor's closet to a comic book))).

Hit the jump for a couple shots of the transformation.

Continue Reading " Let's Take This Meeting To The Bar!: Portable Office On Wheels (What, No Sleeping Bag?) "

Jun 29 2010 What Is 'Alex, You Sound Like A Creepy F***ing Robot'?: Auto-Tuned Jeopardy

This is a video from a recent episode of Jeopardy in which a category was 'Alex Meets Auto-Tune'. The contestants' goal was to determine what song Alex Trebek is singing but your goal is not stabbing your eardrums out for 1:41.

Hit it if you're a Jeopardy fan. Don't if you're a Wheel Watcher.

Continue Reading " What Is 'Alex, You Sound Like A Creepy F***ing Robot'?: Auto-Tuned Jeopardy "

Jun 29 2010 Salmon Flavor Vodka: For The Alcoholic Bear In Your Life (Come On, We All Know One)

Salmon flavored vodka: say it don't spray it. Seriously, you're puking on my flip-flops. I'm gonna make you lick that up later aside, this stuff is real. Real yummy in my tummy (and runny out my bummy)! I just poured a fifth over a cream-cheese bagel for breakfast!

The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla just recently launched its Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka, about a year after the Seattle-based Black Rock Spirits introduced a bacon-flavored vodka.

"I think there was some madness and some drunkenness involved, honestly," said Toby Foster, an Alaska Distillery partner and the one charged with coming up with new flavors with Alaska themes.

Foster and Scotti MacDonald, another partner, said the current formula took 48 tries, and some of the first 47 attempts were downright disgusting.

"Definitely the first few times we had our heave bucket close by," MacDonald said. "It was pretty bad, and you know, greasy."

Mmmm, boozy salmon grease with a side of heave bucket. Sounds like something straight off the menu at a five-star restaurant, doesn't it? It doesn't. Not even Sizzler would serve that shit and I saw an employee scoop mashed potatoes back onto the buffet FROM THE FLOOR. I'm not even gonna lie, I tossed my cookies went back for seconds.

Move over fruit, meat-flavored vodkas moving in [yahoonews]

Thanks to WillC, who made mahi-mahi martinis for a party once but forgot to garnish them with little umbrellas. God, way to ruin the experience.

Jun 29 2010 Shop That Built Batpod Replica Now Selling 5 (Street Legal) TRON Lightcycles On eBay

Remember that badass Batpod replica that was selling on eBay a little while ago? Well the guys that made it are now taking orders for five custom TRON Lightcycles. Let's paint this town red purple! I want purple.

the Parker Brothers team is building 5 custom one off "Lightcycles" to the exact specs of the movie bikes. Each bike will be black with an accent color - 5 bikes with 5 different accent colors (red, blue, yellow, green, and orange). There will only be one bike made per color so if you must have a certain color...Disney designers built a "movie prop" of this bike for the TRON Legacy promotions and not a running version so these will be the only known running versions to exist. The engineering behind a fully functional version is mindboggling to say the least.

Each bike will come with either a high powered electric motor or a high performance gasoline motor and transmission depending on the buyers needs. No future "Lightcycles" will be made to ensure the value of these custom motorcycles in the coming years. They will get individual vin numbers at first order 001 to last 005 as well as the original prototype vin number 000.

The back cover opens up at the push of a button and there is a neon glow that exits from the back of the bike to resemble the lightcycles colored light trail from the original game. These bikes will also come with a TRON style helmet (Not DOT Approved)

$35K gets you one. But apparently not in purple, which, if you ask me, is a dealbreaker. Granted I could probably add some aftermarket purple neon, but I don't trust myself. Just sayin' -- one time I did change my own oil with extra virgin olive. What?! I thought that was the good shit!

eBay Auction

Thanks to bryan, who bought one and plans to add streamers to the handlebars. Nice touch.

Jun 29 2010 Multi-Track Pokémon Theme Sung Acapella

This is a video of an elvish looking guy with really pretty lips singing every part of the Pokémon theme acapella and multi-tracking them all. I've been dancing to it in my out of my underwear all morning. It's like he's singing straight to my soul!

With a total of 58 different audio tracks (lots doubled or tripled) and LOTS of editing, I finished it :). There is also 16 different video tracks that come in and out.

*ALL SOUNDS ON THIS RECORDING WERE MADE VOCALLY*

-The drum shots were transcribed and recorded shot for shot

A lot of different effects have been used on this recording. Pitch correction, yes pitch correction, was used on lots of the backup tracks - although none on the lead vocals. While I didn't necessarily care to "correct wrong pitches", I used to create a continuity and consistency of sound because I was imitating instruments. The guitar sounds have distortion and tape delays and everything has significant EQ's as well... The drums are a prime example. Also some use of pitch shifting.. no I can't sing that low lol.

But I CAN sing that low is the thing. So if you wanted to get together for a duet sometime we could probably do that. Unless you're serious in which case I'm busy. Like, forever.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Multi-Track Pokémon Theme Sung Acapella "

Jun 29 2010 I Believe I Can Fly, I Believe I Can Touch The Sky: Terrafugia Flying Car Gets FAA Approval

Remember the Terrafugia Transition? The $194K street-legal car that can turn into a plane? Well it just got Federal Aviation Administration approval for use in the US. Whee! People will be flying into shit before you know it.

The Transition was designed as a "light sport" aircraft, the smallest kind of private aeroplane under FAA classification, with a maximum weight of 1,320lb. But the manufacturers found it impossible to fit the safety features - airbags, crumple zones and roll cage, for instance - that are required for road vehicles into that weight.

Uniquely, however, the FAA has granted the Transition an exemption - allowing it to be classified as a light sport aircraft despite being 120lb over the limit.

Light sport aircraft licences require just 20 hours' flying time, making them much easier to obtain than full private licences.

No airbags, crumple zone or roll cage and it only takes 20 flying hours to get your license -- what would possibly go wrong?

A: You buzz my house and I shoot you down with a rocket launcher.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the Transformer, including one with a t-rex (seriously).

Continue Reading " I Believe I Can Fly, I Believe I Can Touch The Sky: Terrafugia Flying Car Gets FAA Approval "

Jun 28 2010 Burn, Baby, BUUUUUUUURN!: Setting An iPhone On Fire With A Giant Magnifying Glass

Setting things on fire: it's what separates man from lesser forms of life like fish and children. And what better way to celebrate humanity than setting an old iPhone ablaze with a giant magnifying glass (actually a Fresnel lens)? I can't think of any. Also, I would have huffed every last wisp of those tasty looking fumes. Then, oh I don't know, DECIMATED THE NEIGHBORHOOD'S ANT POPULATION! Oooooor set my penis on fire pretending it was a death ray (it's happened before is the thing).

Hit it for the fire in the iHole.

Continue Reading " Burn, Baby, BUUUUUUUURN!: Setting An iPhone On Fire With A Giant Magnifying Glass "

Jun 28 2010 A Buncha Outerspace Games In One Painting

Note: This picture is small and ain't doing the piece justice so get vigilante on that shit by clicking HERE to see it full size. BOOM, JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED!

This is a digital painting by deviantARTist jnkboy called 'Video Wars' that features a bunch of different characters from video games that take place in outerspace. Which -- HOLY SHIT IS THAT ROGER WILCO?! Space Quest FTW! For those of you not familiar, you can no longer be a part of my secret club. Joking, you're still in. BUT ABSOLUTELY NO GURLZ ALLOWED! What? I like my secret clubs like I like my spaghetti sauce: sausagey meatballs!

jnkboy's deviantART
via
gelbooru

Thanks to Dominic, who spends every night in outerspace and wakes up in a field every morning. Dominic, you're being abducted bro.

Jun 28 2010 The World, It's Flat!: 55-Story High Infinity Pool

What cost $6 billion to build and has a 55-story high infinity pool? Give up? Me too. I guess I suck at guessing! Except peoples' weights at the fair, I made a killing doing that during the summers in high school. "How old and tall are you? Kidding, it doesn't matter -- you're obese. Congrats, pick a small prize. NEEEXT!"

55 storeys up, this infinity pool could glide you straight over the edge of Singapore, if not the world. It's part of the $6 billion Marina Bay Sands Skypark hotel, which just opened this week.

The pool itself is three times the length of an Olympic-sized pool, and is the largest pool in the world at that height reportedly.

Ah yes, the Marina Bay Sands Skypark Hotel. Sounds fancy. Granted not as fancy as the hotels I usually stay at, but one time I did stay at a Motel 6 with a pool in the middle. There was a turd in the deep end and a guy masturbating in the hot tub. I know, I couldn't believe there was a hot tub either. Such luxury!

Hit the jump for several more shots of the ridiculous hotel.

Continue Reading " The World, It's Flat!: 55-Story High Infinity Pool "

Jun 28 2010 I'm Down: Scientists Invent Male Birth Control

Pfft, I got neutered years ago. In a lawnmowing accident. That make anybody's nuts hurt? No? Okay try this one: so one time I was walking home from the bar and *CROTCH PUNCH!* Haha, bet you didn't see that one coming.

The scientist behind the male pill discovery has developed a tablet that removes a vital protein in sperm that is required for a woman to conceive.

So while sperm still get through to the uterus they are unable to fertilise an egg.

A big drawback against men being in control of fertility is the fear they would forget to take a pill.

Polls have repeatedly shown wives and partners do not trust their men to remember to pop a pill every day.

But now that problem has been solved. The new pill can be taken either once a month or once every three months.

Listen -- whatever it takes to stop stupid people from breeding, I'm all for it. And that goes for me too. Which is exactly why I rubberbanded by balls till they fell off. Kidding, I lost them in a shark crocodile attack. Psyche, they were torn off by a branch when I fell out of a tree after saving a kitten. What? ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?!

Scientists invent first male contraceptive pill [telegraph]

Thanks to jabberw0ck, who controls birth the old fashioned way: with lightning bolts from atop Mt. Olympus. ZOMG -- DO YOU KNOW KRATOS?!

Jun 28 2010 WTF Were You Thinking When You Got The First One?: Amazing Cover Up Dino Tattoo

This is a dino cover-up tattoo. As you can see, it went from a lotus-blossom mermaid I wouldn't touch with Poseidon's penis to a dapper t-rex I would touch with anybody's. There's a worthwhile animated gif after the jump that shows the change (including the line work in-between), so be sure to check it out. Then a book at the library. I'm bringin' sexy reading back!

Hit the jump for the animation.

Continue Reading " WTF Were You Thinking When You Got The First One?: Amazing Cover Up Dino Tattoo "

Jun 28 2010 Monkey Pirate Robot Ninja Zombie: Because Rock Paper Scissors Is For Rank Amateurs

Looking for a new game to play to determine who gets to ride shotgun/pay the bar tab/go for the ugly girl? Well move over, paper-rock-scissors, there's a new hand gesture based game in town! Enter Monkey-Pirate-Robot-Ninja-Zombie. What, no Vampire?!

Monkey

* Monkey fools Ninja
* Monkey unplugs Robot
Suggested noise: ee-ee-eek!

Robot
* Robot chokes Ninja
* Robot crushes Zombie
Suggested noise: ex-ter-min-ate!

Pirate
* Pirate drowns Robot
* Pirate skewers Monkey
Suggested noise: arrrrr!

Ninja
* Ninja karate chops Pirate
* Ninja decapitates Zombie
Suggested noise: keeee-ah!

Zombie
* Zombie eats Pirate
* Zombie savages Monkey
Suggested noise: braaaaaaaaaainsss!

Tell you what -- let's play to see who's handsomer. Ready? 1, 2, 3, shoot! BOOM -- ALIEN. I'm melting your face off with a death-ray, son!

Monkey-Pirate-Robot-Ninja-Zombie!!! [albotas]

Thanks to Barpraat, who always calls werewolf.

Jun 28 2010 I SAID DO IT!: The Truffle Shuffle T-Shirt

At first I got all excited when I saw this because the model looked like an attractive lady and I thought I was gonna get a face full of napples. Then I realized it was just a dude that looks like a lady. That's the worst kind of dude, FYI. I'd still kiss him aside, this is a Truffle Shuffle t-shirt. It has "DO THE TRUFFLE SHUFFLE" on the front, and a picture of Chunk's face when you flip it over your head to dance. Clever, you should probably get one. And I'm not just saying that because I'm gonna titty-twist your pepperonis off like radio dials, but I am. They don't call me the Purple Nurpler Areola Rolla' for nothing you know.

Urban Outfitters Product Site

Thanks to Andy, who once gave a kid a swirly in the middle-school bathroom without flushing first. Okay now that's just unsanitary.

Jun 28 2010 He's On My Team: Darth Vader Penalty Kick

Note: Video is after the jump because no reader of mine is getting Force-choked out on the front page.

Is that big soccer tournament still kickin'?
Killer pun, GW.
Thanks, I know.
Kidding, that thing deserved a red card.
Your face deserves a red card.

This is a video of Darth Vader taking a penalty kick. It's relevant because of the World Cup. Plus Vader. Although I hope you know deep down in your heart I'd still post it even if it wasn't. Because that's how I roll: lazily like a deflated soccer ball.

Hit it for the short but sweet video.

Continue Reading " He's On My Team: Darth Vader Penalty Kick "

Jun 28 2010 In Case Of Fire Asteroid, Break Glass Nuke It

Remember that movie Amegeddon? It's okay, I cried too. CAUSE I'D MISS YOU, BABY, AND I DON'T WANNA MISS A THAAAAANG. Anyway scientists say if we're gonna get pummeled by an asteroid it's cool to just nuke the thing. Sweet.

In the unlikely event of a gigantic asteroid threatening mass extinction on our planet, scientists are now confident such a disaster could be averted using nuclear weapons. Researchers running new and sophisticated simulators conclude it would take as little as 5 to 10 kilotons of energy to divert an asteroid. That's a relatively small nuclear weapon.

"The nice thing about any kind of intervention is that you only have to make it miss the Earth," said David Dearborn, a research physicist at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory. "A very small change in its orbital period will do that."

Interesting, scientists, but I've come up with a little foolproof asteroid plan myself: running around waving my arms and screaming. I say we make the nukes plan B.

Asteroid headed for Earth? Scientists say nuke it! [dvice]

Thanks to Christina, who plans on riding a comet to safety. Well there's that too.

Jun 27 2010 Best Thing You'll See All Day (And Possibly Week): A Day In The Life Of A Pet AT-AT

Note: MUST WATCH video is after the jump because your head's gonna explode from the cuteness and I already hosed down the front page once today.

This is a short video by Patrick Boivi entitled 'AT-AT Day Afternoon'. It's a one-minute documentary showing a typical day in the life of a pet AT-AT. Just watch it, you won't regret it. And if you do regret it there's obviously something wrong with you. My guess is an internal parasite. Your skin itches, doesn't it? Sounds like a worm.

Hit it. DO IT NOW (also available in HD).

Continue Reading " Best Thing You'll See All Day (And Possibly Week): A Day In The Life Of A Pet AT-AT "

Jun 27 2010 You're So Oldschool!: Cassette Tape Watches

This is a $135 EOS Mixtape Watch (that looks fairly similar to THIS tape watch). For those of you born yesterday, it looks like a cassette tape, which was a popular audio format from yesteryear before the advent of holographic music discs and iProds. OMG I USED TO MAKE THE BEST MIXTAPES!

Introducing the EOS Mixtape Watch. This watch features a anodized steel case with "EOS NEW YORK" laser etched onto the base. On the sides of the case laser etched also is a robot and "60 MIN." On the dial is two movable discs which look like the movement of a real cassette tape. On the right dial is where the hands are for the time. There are also orange markers present to indicate time.

Check it -- I just came up with a new watch-related joke. So a guy walks into a sports bar and asks the bartender, "bartender, do you have the time?" "No, but you can get a Bud Light bottle and shot of Maker's Mark for $4 till 8PM. Plus free pinball!" Ha, did I say joke? I meant personal fantasy.

Hit the jump for two other color options and a link to the product site if you're interested in oldschool flava.

Continue Reading " You're So Oldschool!: Cassette Tape Watches "

Jun 27 2010 A Whole Lotta Role Model: Barbie In Real Life

Barbie (I like to call her Barb) is always being criticized for providing an unrealistic role model for little girls. Well here's a better one (complete with sweet-ass nips). Because REAL beauty is only skin deep eight pies and a box of fried chicken away.
...
...
...Anybody seen Skipper?

Fat Suit Barbie [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Sharon, who once put on one of those fat sumo-wrestling suits and nobody recognized her. Zany!

Jun 26 2010 I Vote Yes: Will It Blend? iPhone 4 Edition

Note: Video is after the jump because I already had like six fanboys call me crying last night after the iPhone sniping. It was pathetic.

Seen here looking remarkably like John Gosselin taking a pounding to the mangina (and loving it), Tom from Blendtec is back to wreck an iPhone 4. Will it blend? Of course it will. But this video has an extra "movie" aspect to it where Tom explains where he got the phone. It sucked and I didn't watch it. Like, any of it. " Oh really -- then how'd you get the screenshot, GW?" IT'S CALLED MAGIC STUPID.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " I Vote Yes: Will It Blend? iPhone 4 Edition "

Jun 26 2010 Foot AND Food Fetish All In One Flip Flop

Ever wanted a flip-flop that looks like a sandwich? Who hasn't?! I dream about that shit at night. And now you can thanks to this Briskit Flip Flop from Etsy seller SoleSensations. Plus it's only $295! For one! Perfect for that person in your life with a foot AND food fetish. Which, let's be honest, is all of us. Lemme lick them toes! Mmmm, bunion-y.

SoleSensations' Etsy Store
via
Burger Flop [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Georgia, whose peaches put the state's to shame. Can I say that?

Jun 26 2010 GOOOOAAAAAAL!: Soccer Goal Urinal Game

With World Cup fever in full swing what better way to celebrate than jamming a vuvuzela up somebody's ass playing a little bathroom soccer? Enter the Klokicker, the urine-based sport that's sure to have you staring at another man's wiener.

Football mania while urinating !

It will make men's hearts leap and make
the women's league give a loud groan.
"klokicker - the footaball-urinal-sieve" ...
... is a green plastic inset for a urinal,
with a football goal installed on top.

A football dangles in front of the goal.
The accuracy the male guests are capable of is now on the line and they have to "KICK" the ball into the goal.

Bull's eye! And the ball changes colorur.
A lot of fun for top goal scorers!

Did anybody else try reading that like a poem? Because it wasn't a very good one. Also, what good is urinal soccer if I only pee sitting down? Still, it might be fun for you PROVIDED YOU CAN STOP PISSING ON YOUR SHOES LONG ENOUGH TO SCORE A GOAL. Here -- let me aim.

Product Site
via
Klokicker: The Soccer Urinal Sieve [walyou]

Jun 25 2010 BOOM, HEADSHOT SCREENSHOT!: New iPhone 4 Getting Sniped In Slow-Motion

Note: Video is after the jump because fanboys are already crying and this is only a picture.

This is a video of the new iPhone 4 getting shot by a Navy Seabee with a 50-caliber sniper rifle. It's pretty cool to watch, even if dude does barely clip the thing. Now I'm not saying he's a poor shot and I would have put a bullet right through the middle of the screen, but only because I don't want him posting up in the building across the street with a picture of my face taped to his rifle. Kidding -- your ass couldn't hit the broad side of a ba-- *BOOM*

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " BOOM, HEADSHOT SCREENSHOT!: New iPhone 4 Getting Sniped In Slow-Motion "

Jun 25 2010 Make Up Your Mind!: Ambigrammatic Tattoo

This ambigrammatic (FAKE WORD IS FAKE) tattoo reads 'art & science' when read in one direction, 'philosophy' when read in another and 'schools 4 fools' when read upside-down in a mirror while spinning around repeating 'Bloody Mary'.

"Art & Science / Philosophy" -- designed by renowned typographer John Langdon, best known for providing the artwork featured in the novels of Dan Brown.

Impressive work, John. Any chance of hooking me up with a 'Geekologie/Dino Lover' design? I'll pay you -- IN ILLUMINATI GOLD! I'm on to you, Freemason.

Ambigrammatic Tat of the Day [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Mary, who UFO CONSPIRACY GLOBAL WARMING GOVERNMENT GENETIC EXPERIMENTS!

Jun 25 2010 Oh You Think You're Sooo Tough: What You'll Really Do During The Zombie Apocalypse

The latest in zombie apocalypse pie-charts, this one shows what you'll most likely be doing in the event of a zombie apocalypse. Not to brag or anything, but I'll almost certainly be in the little green pie-piece. Ooooor masturbating in my closet until I'm eaten.

Things That An Average Person Would Do During A Zombie Apocalypse [graphjam]

Thanks to Kaibedz, who's smart enough to know the best way to plow through zombies in the street is by driving in reverse. You don't want to f*** up your engine with a horde of the undead outside your vehicle.

Jun 25 2010 What, No Safety Belt?: Grandpa Passed Out In La-Z-Boy In Back Of A Speeding Truck

Note: Video is after the jump because I don't want you kids getting any ideas (yes, yes I do too -- you should try it with the tailgate down).

This is a video of somebody's grandpa passed out in a La-Z-Boy in the back of a speeding truck. Actually, he might be dead. But if not, he will be soon! And you know what that means: more Jello for us.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " What, No Safety Belt?: Grandpa Passed Out In La-Z-Boy In Back Of A Speeding Truck "

Jun 25 2010 .XXX Domain Names Finally Get Approved

Finally, you can start that pr0n site you've always wanted and slap on a .xxx domain designation (i.e. http://www.dinoassbiting.xxx). I just pre-registered like 40 sites! (38 dino, two robot-torture fetish).

The board of net overseer Icann [Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers] gave initial approval for the creation of the .xxx domain at its conference in Brussels.

Icann's approval will kick off a fast-track process to get the porn-only domain set up.

ICM Registry, which is backing the domain, said .xxx would make it easier to filter out inappropriate content.

The decision ends a long campaign by ICM Registry to win approval.

Stuart Lawley, chairman of ICM, welcomed the decision and said it was "great news for those that wish to consume, or avoid, adult content".

ROFL @ "consuming" adult content. You've got a dirty mind, Stuart!

Sex domain gets official approval [bbcnews]

Thanks to enigma and Divo, both of whom are jumping on the .xxx bandwagon. Just don't touch anything.

Jun 25 2010 Future Technology, Today: Newspapers

Wow, your editor is almost as good as mine (I don't have one is the thing). But seriously, I think we can all agree the future of newspapers is there aren't gonna be any.

world's most futuristic newspaper [technabob]

Thanks to Sally, who only uses newsprint for arson.

Jun 25 2010 You're All Winners In My Book (But These People Are Taking Home Free Buckyballs)

Finally, the moment you've all forgotten about been waiting for: the winners of last week's Buckyball giveaway! I promised I'd give a set to the first person with a non-first related comment, and used a random integer generator to select from the more than 6,600 entries for the remaining 9 sets. And the winners are (drumroll please):

#0003 Dan Bravo (for the first non-first related comment)
#0760 Eddie
#1544 KishKash
#2792 Ryan
#2907 Erin
#4345 Math Ninja
#5063 Thanatos
#5585 sr. c.
#6139 Thomas
#6208 Miss Marjie

There you have it. If your name's on the list expect an email from me shortly. If your name's not on the list, don't. But you can still go buy some and enter discount code 'GEEK' for 10% off your order. Also, the popularity of the post generated a fair amount of interest from other manufacturers, so expect more giveaways in the near future. And remember: you're all still winners in my book. And by winners I mean participants. That's good for a purple ribbon!

GetBuckyballs.com

Jun 25 2010 Your Kneading Feels Different: A Bionic Kitty

Oscar the grouch kitty was sleeping in a field when his back legs got run over by a combine harvester. That story smelling fishy as shit aside, now he has bionic legs.

His new kitten heels were designed with custom-made implants, which "peg" the ankle to the foot and mimic the way deer antler bone grows through skin.

In a three-hour procedure, the veterinary surgical team inserted the pegs by drilling into one of Oscar's ankle bones in each of his back legs. The implants, which are attached to the bone at the amputation site, were coated with hydroxyapatite to encourages bone cells to grow onto the metal.

Oscar was trying to stand a day after the surgery and, despite some problems with infection, he was able to bear weight equally on all four limbs within four months.

Fitzpatrick said the patient had made a remarkable recovery. "Oscar can now run and jump about as cats do," he said.

Heartwarming, isn't it? Also kind of gross. But mostly heartwarming. I swear, medicine's sure come a long way, hasn't it? Reminds me of the time my little sister broke her arm. We had to put her down.

Video report with bionic-foot footage after the jump.

Continue Reading " Your Kneading Feels Different: A Bionic Kitty "

Jun 25 2010 I'd Rather Drown: EMILY The Robo-Lifeguard

EMILY may look like a porpoise wearing a Red Cross tent, but she's actually a robo-lifeguard. One that will undoubtedly turn a blind, robotic eye if you ever cramp up in the surf.

This summer, EMILY (for EMergency Integrated Lifesaving lanYard) began patrolling Malibu's dangerous Zuma Beach and will watch over about 25 more by December. Although lifeguards operate this version by remote control, next year's model will autonomously save potential drowning victims as reliably as a human. Once a lifeguard tosses EMILY into the surf, its sonar device will scan for the underwater movements associated with swimmers in distress. Its electric, Jet Ski-like impeller drives it at 28 mph through even the roughest chop, getting a flotation device--itself--to victims six times as fast as a lifeguard would. The 'bot's camera and speakers will let an onshore lifeguard calm the person and instruct him to wait for human help or to hold on as EMILY ferries him back.

I don't really understand how the sonar differentiates between a drowning victim and a swimmer, but I do know I'd rather take my chances with a shark. And by take my chances I mean gouge that son of a bitch in the eyes and ride it to Australia. Then set up camp in a kangaroo's pouch.

Robo-Baywatch: Autonomously Patrolling Robot Lifeguard Swims at 28 MPH [popsci]

Thanks to Peterman and TobyRaider, who would rather jump into Jaws' jaws from the high dive. And not the shark either. The Bond henchman. He'll tear you apart!

Jun 24 2010 I Want Purple!: A Visual Guide To Lightsabers

Because geeks like arguing about things to show off their intellectual superiority (think nerdy peacocks), here's a visual guide to lightsabers so you can prove you're right when arguing with a fellow Star Warser at the bar over a cold Mountain Dew. That's cool and all, but you want to know how to instantly win any lightsaber argument at the bar? Shatter a f***ing stool over your friend's head. BOOM! Not only did you just win the fight, you sent your friend to the hospital where he'll have plenty of time to contemplate the error of his ways. You know, or plot revenge.*

*Geekologie not responsible for your murder.

Lightsaber Chart Will Spark Endless Fights Over Who Bagsies Which 'Saber [gizmodo]

Jun 24 2010 Futurama Returns Tonight On Comedy Central

Comedy Central, best known for not giving me my own show despite asking nicely then threatening to blow up their satellite, will start airing BRAND SPANKIN' NEW (the best kind) episodes (with a 1-hour premier!) of Futurama tonight at 10PM/9 central. So yeah, tune in if you're into it. Or DVR it if you're into it but can't watch it live because your mommy makes you go to bed at 8. Or tell yourself there's no need to DVR that shit because you're so into it that you're gonna watch it live, then get drunk and pass out on the kitchen floor a half hour before it starts if you're me.

Official Comedy Central Site
and
Picture

Thanks to lena, Closet Nerd, Amy, John, bootjuice and Mikael, who act like I haven't been marking off the days with a Sharpie. I haven't is the thing. So thanks.

Jun 24 2010 So Much For Bodysurfing: Alabama Oil Waves

Note: This picture is small and I had to crop it click HERE to see the sadness in depressing high-resolution.

This is a shot of a wave crashing in Orange Beach, Alabama. As you can see, it looks like absolute crap, which really got me thinking: there's probably a lot of whale shit in the ocean, and I should stop drinking beach water. But it's so salty!

Eyewitness: BP oil spill [guardian]

Thanks to Uncle Fester, who may or may not have touched Pugsley inappropriately (geez, just look at the guy).

Jun 24 2010 So Not Cash: Packaged Dinosaur Meat

Did you know Bosch makes more than just spark plugs? Me neither. But apparently they also make refrigerators and created this clever dinosaur meat marketing campaign to showcase how their VitaFresh appliances can keep foods fresher, longer. Thanks but no thanks, Bosch, I only want the bone.

Hit the jump for a video explaining the campaign with some footage of people WTFing in your grocery store's butcher section.

Continue Reading " So Not Cash: Packaged Dinosaur Meat "

Jun 24 2010 For The Lushes: Single-Serve Wine Glasses

Do you like wine? I think wine is fine. As hell. I like pinot noir. Also, anything else with alcohol in it (except liver). And now you can buy wine by the disposable glassful! Hey -- lemme get a lil sippy-sippy.

the inventor of this disposable stemware actually took it on a show dedicated to finding cool new products, and it was rejected. The joke's on them; they're blowing up over in the UK. At £2.25 a glass (~$3.40) they're not exactly cost effective...

...cost aside, the real advantage is in the simple fact that it's sealed and good to go. The foil top is like a yogurt container's, keeping your wine fresh and your legal status legit.

I, for one, am not ashamed to admit I would double-fist pound the hell out of those things. And not like a dino either. Dammit, now I want some wine. And dino-sex. Quick, somebody distract me. HIYO, penis in my face!

Your disposable wine glass, monsieur [crunchgear]

Thanks to Judy, who only drinks out of Dark Crystal wine glasses because she slayed all those creepy-ass puppets and earned it.

Jun 24 2010 Now That's Just Good Parenting: Playing Rock Band Butt-Ass Naked In Front Of Your Kids

Note: Video is after the jump because I'm a firm believer in never-nudity.

This is a video of a fit looking mom playing the Rock Band drums butt-ass naked in front of her children. Now I'm not saying I'm gonna befriend these kids so I can come over and join the band, but they better keep a fridge full of Sunny-D.

Hit it for 17-seconds of not your mom.

Continue Reading " Now That's Just Good Parenting: Playing Rock Band Butt-Ass Naked In Front Of Your Kids "

Jun 24 2010 Suck It, Picasso!: Painting With Dead Ants

Most people paint with paint. Me? I paint with the blood of my slain enemies. But
San Francisco artist Chris Trueman painted this picture of his younger brother with the bodies of 200,000 dead ants. You sick bastard.

"I found a guy who raises ants and sells them as horned lizard food," he said. "The lizards need the folic acid. It's an artificial food source. If the lizards were in nature, they could get them from their own diet, but many of these lizards are kept as pets in cities like New York and San Francisco where they are hard to come by." [...]

"The ants arrived in a large peanut butter jar -- just this huge mass of rising ants," he said. "It was weird. I couldn't set them free. They weren't native to the area and if they bit someone, they would leave welts, and I couldn't feed them, so I had to kill them."

Suuuuure you had to kill them. Just like the time I had to kill the cable guy for not hooking me up with free HBO. Okay, I actually did have to do that. You know what he said to me? "How about Showtime instead?" And that's when I stabbed him with the DVR.

Painting Made From 200,000 Ants [neatorama]

Thanks to naas, who plans on painting a picture with the dead bodies of people who post 'FIRST' in the comments.

Jun 24 2010 Fancy, Your Pants Are: Star Wars Gentlemen

Greg Peltz, best known for being the soldier half of this Team Fortress II cosplay team, has gone and created a small series of Victorian looking Star Wars portraits. This is Chewy here but there's Boba, C-3PO and a Vader after the jump. Except the Vader is a little more Civil War-y than Victorian. Kind of like how I'm a little more Mac and you're a little more PC so embarrassed for anybody who's ever said that.

Hit it for the others.

Continue Reading " Fancy, Your Pants Are: Star Wars Gentlemen "

Jun 24 2010 You'll Never Stack Up!: The Who-Tall-Are-You Mirror Compares Your Height To Celebrities'

Want to know how tall you are compared to a particular celebrity? Look them up on IMDB. Alternatively, get a 'Who Tall Are You' mirror. It's a mirror with famous peoples' names printed at their respective heights. I'm 1.5 Danny Devitos! Kidding, that would make me a m7.5' giant. I'm actually only 6' (and handsome as shit). Also, you need to make sure and hang the mirror at the right height or you won't get an accurate reading. *ahem* I'm looking at you, girl in the picture! 190cm? That's over 6'2". You're f***ing huge!

Who Tall Are You Mirror Compares Your Height To Famous People [albotas]

Jun 23 2010 I Told You!: Robot Sabotages BP Oil Leak

Robots, uncaring how they destroy humanity just as long as they do, have resorted to sabotage in an attempt to pollute the world's oceans and kill off all our mermaids. Not Ariel!

Earlier this morning, an undersea robot accidentally bumped into a venting system, which forced BP to remove a cap that had been holding in some of the leaking oil. With that bump, gas rose through the vent that carries warm water down to keep the icy crystals that screwed up the first top hat operation from forming inside the cap.

Now, they need to check and make sure none of said crystals have formed before sticking it back on.

Accidentally my ass, they're out to get us. Wait till Poseidon hears about this, he's gonna be pissssssed. Oh, he already knows? THEN WHY DOESN'T BP HAVE AN ASSFULL OF GIANT SPIDER CRABS?!

Stupid Robot Makes the Oil Spill Even Worse, Somehow [gizmodo]

Thanks to Closet Nerd, Jagger, josh and Bernstein, who all agree the bot should be deep-sixed. No, nined. Deep-nined.

Jun 23 2010 I Smell Crab Dip!: Giant Spider Crab Molting

Note: Video is after the jump because I swore for a second it was an alien hatching so I beat my monitor with a beer bottle. Now I'm on my roommate's computer.

Remember the giant spider crabs of Japan? Well this is a video of one molting. For those of you that don't know what molting is, it's basically when an animal does something disgusting that makes you want to vomit (read: shedding its skin). The action doesn't start till 0:40 though, which I embedded the video to start at if I did it right. If I didn't do it right you should skip to 0:40 yourself AND SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE ABOUT IT. I swear, after all I've done for you.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " I Smell Crab Dip!: Giant Spider Crab Molting "

Jun 23 2010 Safety Blanket: Pac-Man Inventor Still Carries Around His Original Sketches Of The Game

This is Tōru Iwatani. He invented Pac-Man 30 years ago and still carries around his original "top secret" sketches of the game in a notebook. Me? I invented cool 28 years ago and still push my balls around in a wheelbarrow.

Iwatani was a speaker at the recent Festival of Games. To the surprise of the conference's host, Iwatani was carrying the original Pac-Man sketches with him.

See that 秘? It means these documents are secret

Secret schmecret, the game's been out forever. This isn't 1979 you know. Or is it? No, it's not. If this were 1979 we wouldn't be having this orgy on the internet, we'd be doing it at your parents' house with a bunch of blow (I think I kissed your dad).

Hit the jump for two more shots of the documents the government doesn't want you to see.

Continue Reading " Safety Blanket: Pac-Man Inventor Still Carries Around His Original Sketches Of The Game "

Jun 23 2010 Jumping Sand Traps: A Tumbler Golf Cart

Some uber-Batman fan went and pimped out his golf cart Tumbler style. Good lookin'. Now I've never been good at golf because I have absolutely zero hand-eye coordination (one time I masturbated my leg for a half-hour), but I have gotten drunk and driven my cart into a water hazard before. You hear that, Tiger?! Hitting trees is some bush-league shit!

Two more pics (including an ass-shot) after the jump.

Continue Reading " Jumping Sand Traps: A Tumbler Golf Cart "

Jun 23 2010 I'd Lick It: Impressive Zerg Hive Starcraft Cake

This is a cake somebody made to look like a Zerg Hive from Starcraft. It's most impressive and I would eat the whole thing AND smoke those crystals afterwards. Then, after staying up three days straight I'll eventually have a run-in with the po-po that leads to an inevitable tazing. I'll threaten to sue but settle for making out with another perp in the holding cell. I'll give him my number, but he'll never call. This is all speculative by the way, it never actually happened last Thursday (F*** you Jake, seriously).

Hit the jump for a bunch more of the cake makin'.

Continue Reading " I'd Lick It: Impressive Zerg Hive Starcraft Cake "

Jun 23 2010 Please God Be Henna: Robotic Hand Tattoo

This is a picture of somebody's (possibly a female's) hand they decided to desecrate to high hell with some robotic sacrilege. I just hope it's henna and not permanent because not only would I not shake your hand, I'D CUT IT OFF WITH A LIGHTSABER. Don't believe me? Ask Luke Skywriter.

Picture
via
Tattoo Ideas for Science Lovers [oddstuffmagazine] (with a TON more science-y tattoos)

Thanks to BJ my PENN and PENN my BJ, who may or may yes have penis fingers.

Jun 23 2010 Make-A-Wish Millennium Falcon Gets Installed

Note: This picture is small and doesn't do the thing justice click HERE, HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE to see some nice, high-res pics.

Remember the Millennium Falcon play-fort built as part of a Make-A-Wish wish granting for little leukemia-stricken Christian Bentley? Well it was installed this week and Christian has already shot down over a dozen TIE fighters. Good lookin', ace.

"When he was first diagnosed, he carried his X-Box back and forth from the hospital," his grandmother Tracy Clark said.

"At home, that Star Wars game pretty much kept him going."

Battling an ear infection, Christian appeared overwhelmed by the whole ordeal, at times rubbing his eyes and shaking his head in front of a crowd that included Star Wars characters including Storm Troopers and an Imperial Guard.

After the unveiling, Christian's grandfather Ed Clark had a wish of his own.

"I'm waiting for everybody to leave so I can go play in it, too," he said. "They just did a wonderful job."

I'm with you, Ed! How about you get 'ol Tracy to make us some sandwiches and you and I and Christian will take on an Imperial-class Star Destroyer together? I get to be Chewie! Christian, you'll be Han. Ed, you're C-3PO (stay out of the way and don't open your mouth).

Hit the jump for a series of low-res pics of the unveiling.

Continue Reading " Make-A-Wish Millennium Falcon Gets Installed "

Jun 23 2010 Do Not Approve: Creepy Robot Dance Troupe

Note: Video is after the jump because I already soiled the front page enough for the both of us.

This is a video of 20 creepy-ass little robots all dancing in sync. And I mean in sync as in they all do the same thing at the same time, not 'NSync the talented boy band with all those catchy hits. No, YOU'RE Tearin' Up My Heart!

Each 23-inch Nao robot by Aldebaran Robotics is packing about as much processing power as a smartphone, hooks up to Wi-Fi, and can even see with its beady little eyes. Not only was this group of $250,000 worth of robots graceful as they danced up a storm at the Shanghai World Expo, but check out their perfect synchronization in the video below.

Each little dancer has 25-degrees of freedom, which I think we can all agree is 25-degrees too many. No, the only dance number these guys should be allowed to participate in is STOMP. Get it? Cause I'm gonna crush their asses like Godzilla!

Hit for 8-minutes of creepy torture.

Continue Reading " Do Not Approve: Creepy Robot Dance Troupe "

Jun 23 2010 Just Follow The Directions: How To Beat Super Mario 3 In 11-Minutes

Note: This version is small and unreadable so click HERE or you're gonna die in world 8-1.

These are the button-by-button instructions on how to beat Super Mario 3 in 11-minutes. I assume they work but I wouldn't know because I can't read and play video games at the same time. As a matter of fact, I can't read and do anything at the same time. Because I never learned to read do anything. What? Tying shoes is for pussies.

Hit the jump for a video of what it looks like if you're doing it right.

Continue Reading " Just Follow The Directions: How To Beat Super Mario 3 In 11-Minutes "

Jun 22 2010 Simple But Genius: Stand-Up Toothbrushes

Stand-up toothbrushes are toothbrushes with an integrated Weeble Wobble (read: weighted base) at one end so they always stand up and don't collect shit particulate laying on the bathroom sink (oh it's there -- you can't see it but it's there).

Take one look at this brilliant design concept for a toothbrush, and you can see how it's a big improvement over current designs. Set it down, and its head pops upright, thanks to a weight embedded in the bottom.

The toothbrush's bulbous base fits neatly in the hand, too. It's such a good idea, it won a Red Dot Concept Award.

Impressive. But you know what would be even more impressive? If the actual brush heads were replaceable so I didn't have to buy a $10 weighted handle every time I needed a new brush. BOOM -- CONSIDER IT INVENTED! Hello, Oral-B? Transfer me to the check-writing department.

Stand-up toothbrush: what took so long to invent this? [dvice]

Jun 22 2010 Unholy Mashup: Star Trek & Ke$ha's 'TiK ToK'

Note: Video is after the jump because Ke$ha sucks at music.

Somebody (Youtube user MissSheenie) went and searched through original Star Trek footage to sync to Ke$ha's crappy hit 'TiK ToK'. This is the resulting music video. Admittedly, MissSheenie did a great job, but I can't help but hate Ke$ha. And not just because she has a dollar sign in her name and an ass that looks like two sad pancakes, but that certainly doesn't help. God, remember when it took actual talent to get a record deal? Now all it takes is f***ing wingdings in your name.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Unholy Mashup: Star Trek & Ke$ha's 'TiK ToK' "

Jun 22 2010 Because There's No Such Thing As Too Fat: Friendly's Grilled Cheese Burgermelt Has Two Grilled Cheese Sandwiches For Buns

Thought KFC's Double Down sandwich was bad for you? Then think again. Because Friendly's just dropped the Grilled Cheese Burgermelt. What the hell's a Grilled Cheese Burgermelt? The sound of your heart trying to escape out your butthole.

This is the BurgerMelt to end all BurgerMelts. We place a thick and juicy 100% Black Angus Big Beef Burger between two whole grilled cheese sandwiches, complete with lettuce, tomato and mayo. You'll have to taste it to believe it.

Well what about the nutritional info?

Hooooooly shit. That thing's like three Double Downs. Which -- I dare you to add bacon. What? You don't want the paramedics thinking you died in vain! Or women's panties (wear some f***ing boxers).

Product Site

Thanks to e and Matt, who will both be sticking to sliders.

Jun 22 2010 Big Brother, Is That You?: Apple Now Tracking The Location Of You And Your Devices

So apparently Apple updated their terms of service and privacy policy (which you have to accept to continue downloading apps) yesterday to track your devices wherever you take them and use the information as they please. I probably should have taken a look before agreeing, but let's be honest: nobody reads those things and I would have agreed anyways. Per the new terms:

Location-Based Services

To provide location-based services on Apple products, Apple and our partners and licensees may collect, use, and share precise location data, including the real-time geographic location of your Apple computer or device. This location data is collected anonymously in a form that does not personally identify you and is used by Apple and our partners and licensees to provide and improve location-based products and services. For example, we may share geographic location with application providers when you opt in to their location services.

Some location-based services offered by Apple, such as the MobileMe "Find My iPhone" feature, require your personal information for the feature to work.

Oh man, remember when Apple was all, "Think Different"? And now they're all "Think 1984". But I already have a big brother! His name's Frank, and he doesn't care where I am. Unless it's In-N-Out, then he wants a burger.

Privacy Change: Apple Knows Where Your Phone Is And Is Telling People [theconsumist]

Thanks to Jonathan, who threw his iPhone in the back of a moving truck to throw Steve off his scent. Smart thinking.

Jun 22 2010 Functional AND Stylish: Space-Travel Poncho

And to think NASA blew $12M on every space suit when they could have been using $4 neon ponchos. You oughta be ashamed, NASA! Also, for not making me an honorary astronaut after going to Space Camp. Twice. What?! I rode the human gyroscope without puking!*

*The first time. The second time I projectile vomited freeze-dried meatloaf all over the other cadets. And don't even get me started on the centrifuge! (There was diarrhea involved)

Poncho Win [failblog]

Thanks to Shenanigans, who once visited outerspace with nothing but a loincloth on just like Jesus did.

Jun 22 2010 Reader's Milk Bottle Top Stop Motion Video

Note: Video is after the jump because I can't have any of you that are lactose intolerant getting sick from your butt on the front page.

This is Geekologie Reader Matt's stop-motion animation made using nothing but milk bottle tops (pogs, bitches!). It features a couple short scenes from classic video games like Breakout, Pong, Pac-Man, Super Mario Bros and Space Invaders. I liked it, real nice and simple. Nothing to offend my ultra-conservative values (anybody wanna come play pogs for sexual favors?).

Hit it for the short and sweetness.

Continue Reading " Reader's Milk Bottle Top Stop Motion Video "

Jun 22 2010 The End Is Nigh: Hello Kitty Motor Oil

Why anybody (except this person) would pay $33 for a 3-liter can of Hello Kitty motor oil is beyond me. Actually, why Hello Kitty motor oil exists in the first place is beyond me. I mean, Hello Kitty fanatics that change their own oil? There can't be more than two one of them. And that's me! Wouldn't trust my pussymobile to anything else.

Hello Kitty Motor Oil: Sanrio Officially Goes Too Far [jezebel]

Thanks to Blaqk Panda and Romeo, who both bought cans and plan on wearing them on their heads for Halloween this year. Wow, you two are gonna be the belles of the ball.

Jun 22 2010 The Creation Of Mario, Sistine Chapel Style

Note: This is is small version of the picture, click HERE to see the thing in all its high-res glory and then make it your desktop background. Or don't. Stick to your nasty bikini chicks, I don't care.

This is 'The Creation of Mario' featuring Shigeru Miyamoto giving life to the world's most famous video game character in the style of Michelangelo's 'The Creation of Adam' in the style of me naked except my penis is is like four times smaller more gigantic that Adam's. It was digitally painted by deviantARTist TsaoShin (Eric Proctor) and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT ASS ON SAMUS. I bet when she goes to the ladies room it looks like two blue Pokéballs fighting over a monster.

TasaoShin's deviantART
via
The Creation of Mario [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Heather, who agrees Bod would never hang out with Birdo in real life.

Jun 21 2010 Robotic Workers To "Help" At New Hospital

If I'm in the hospital the last thing I wanna see is a bunch of robots running around. I'd probably assume I've died and gone to hell. AND I AIN'T GOIN' OUT LIKE THAT.

A hospital in Scotland is to become the first in the UK to use a fleet of robots to carry out day-to-day tasks.

The robots will carry clinical waste, deliver food, clean the operating theatre and dispense drugs.

He added: "Members of staff will use a hand-held PDA to call up the robot to move meal trays, or linen, or whatever.

"The robot will come up in the service lift by itself, pick up the item and go back into the lift."

"The robots will follow the system using a series of laser beams which will tell it exactly where it is," he explained.

Right, autonomous robots running amok in a hospital, what could possibly go wrong? Besides, oh I dunno, EVERYBODY DYING. And not just the patients either, I'm talking the doctors and nurses and people pretending to be doctors and nurses to get at the drugs in the pharmacy. Get me some of that rubbing alcohol.

Forth Valley Royal Hospital to use robot 'workers' [bbcnews]
via
Robots to invade Scottish hospital, pose as 'workers' [engadget]

Thanks to spoon, raivo, Matt, ross, Bongo, Calum and sam, who'd rather take their chances with infection. Ditto!

Jun 21 2010 Mush, Teenage Mutant!: Kitty Riding A Turtle

Note: Video is after the jump because I just took a reading and there are unsafe levels of cuteness for the front page.

This is a 1:12 video of a kitten catching a free ride on a turtle while the theme from Diddy Kong Racing plays. It's cute. Well, provided you don't think too hard about how lazy that cat is and how it's probably gonna grow up to be obese. Then it gets depressing (anybody wanna give me a piggy-back to Mickey D's?).

Hit it for the precious moment.

Continue Reading " Mush, Teenage Mutant!: Kitty Riding A Turtle "

Jun 21 2010 No Cursing!: 'Pepper Mouth' USB Device Creates A Stink If You Type Dirty Words

Pepper Mouth is a little USB peripheral that monitors your typing and releasing a stinky-ass spray if you type dirty words. *poof* WHAT -- because I typed stinky-ass? *poof* Mmmm -- I love a good stink.

This first version blasts its obnoxious peppery smell whenever it detects your online vulgarity, first warning you with a red light, and then upon a second offense, punishing you relentlessly for your potty mouth.

Built as an experiment/demo and reminder of the various surveillance methods currently creeping into your online life, its not-so-subtle scent urges you not to type anything online that you wouldn't want to have read in court.

Not type anything online I wouldn't want read in court? I wouldn't dream of it! I have a penis the size of an oil pipeline but would never burst and kill sea turtles. Are you getting this, stenographer?

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the stinkfest.

Continue Reading " No Cursing!: 'Pepper Mouth' USB Device Creates A Stink If You Type Dirty Words "

Jun 21 2010 Different Strokes For Different Folks You've Gotta Be Kidding Me: 'Google It' Knuckle Tats

Oh yeah? Well I think YOU'RE the one that needs to Google it. Here, I'll even type it out for you: "laser tattoo removal".

Good Thing "Look it Up on This Encarta CD ROM" Doesn't Fit on My Knuckles [ugliesttattoos]
via
Funny But Dumb: "Google It" Knuckle Tat [albotas]

Thanks to Christine, who was gonna get "I dunno, AltaVista that shit" on her knuckles until she realized it's not 1912.

Jun 21 2010 Luke, I Am Not Your Spaceship: 2,500 Piece LEGO Imperial Shuttle Coming Soon

LEGO is releasing a 2,504 piece Star Wars Imperial Shuttle this September for $260. For reference, that's four days' pay for me (plus two after-hour HJ's).

This beast is bigger than my old model, at 28 inches tall (71 centimeters) and 22 inches wide (57 centimeters) when the foldable wings are fully deployed. The cockpit allows you to sit figures inside, and it includes five minifigs:Darth Vader, Shuttle Pilot, Imperial Officer, Stormtrooper and Luke Skywalker from Return of the Jedi.

The Imperial Shuttle also has rotating double laser wing cannons, landing gear, and a display stand.

DO WANT. And not kinda want either. I'm talking really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha. Now I know what you're thinking, "Jesus, did the GW really just quote Spice Girls lyrics?" And the answer, my friend, is f*** no. They stole that shit from me.

Hit the jump for another shot of the box and a video of a LEGO designer talking about the ship (skip to 1:50).

Continue Reading " Luke, I Am Not Your Spaceship: 2,500 Piece LEGO Imperial Shuttle Coming Soon "

Jun 21 2010 Yeah You Did: Mountain Man Spots Bigfoot

Note: Video is after the jump because that amateur sketch doesn't have shit on the Alabama leprechaun.

North Carolina native and self-proclaimed 'mountain man' (and possible moonshiner) Tim Peeler spotted a ten-foot tall Sasquatch trying to eat his dogs one night. Per Tim himself:

This thang was 10-foot tall. He had beautiful hair...He look like he had six fingers on each hand.

Geez, well why don't you just marry it, Tim? You know you wanna! Get it? Because it was your sister.

Hit the jump for a two-minute, mind-numbing news report.

Continue Reading " Yeah You Did: Mountain Man Spots Bigfoot "

Jun 21 2010 Geekologie Reader Helps Build Millennium Falcon Play Fort For Make-A-Wish Foundation

Geekologie Reader Brandon of Little Mountain Productions recently helped build this Millennium Falcon play-fort topper for 9-year old Christian as part of a Make-A-Wish Foundation wish-granting. Good lookin', guys. Per Brandon:

We are delivering this to 9 year old Christian tomorrow with Make-A-Wish. This will top off his new play fort in his back yard. It even has solar powered LED interior and exterior lighting.

Hopefully we'll get to see some shots of the completed fort later this week. And, not to brag for the guy or anything, but I heard little Christian can make the Kessel Run in less than eleven parsecs. You hear that, Han? You'll always shoot first and finish last!

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of the build process.

Continue Reading " Geekologie Reader Helps Build Millennium Falcon Play Fort For Make-A-Wish Foundation "

Jun 21 2010 You Just Spat On Me!: Super Mario Beatboxin'

Note: Video is after the jump because these beats are far too fresh for the front page.

I've been known to beat the occasional box before but only because I used to work for Fed-Ex and I was contractually obligated. This guy does it for fun. Admittedly, he does do an amazing job, I just wish you could beatbox without looking like you're going for the gold in a mic-fellating competition.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " You Just Spat On Me!: Super Mario Beatboxin' "

Jun 21 2010 Gaming On The Go: Console Suitcases

The GAEMS (learn how to spell, God!) suitcase doesn't carry travel-size toothpaste or soiled underwear -- oh no -- it carries a gaming console. A change of clothes? Where we're going we don't need a change of clothes.

Enter the GAEMS Portable Console Gaming and Entertainment System, which carries not only an Xbox but also a 15-inch, 720p LCD in the lid, and speakers to boot. Flip open your console and you're good to go, though we're wondering whether there's room in there for the power brick too. We do know that your controllers will not fit, which seems like an unfortunate design choice if you ask us. The GAEMS suitcase ships sometime before the end of the year for around $250, and yes there are PS3 and new Xbox 360 versions coming too.

Not bad! Sure the TSA will pull you aside for having a suitcase bomb, but that's a small price to pay for getting a five-finger discount on a rectal exam, amirite? That tickles!

GAEMS suitcase is the solution for bad-spelling, frequently-travelling Xbox 360 gamers [engadget]

Thanks to Marshall D., who travels with an actual arcade machine because he's rich and likes to piss off all the business-class passengers.

Jun 20 2010 Thank God I'm Sterile: Happy Father's Day!

I swear, I don't know how you guys do it -- I can't even take care of myself. Just sayin', I almost burnt my entire apartment complex to the ground trying to boil hotdogs for lunch. What does that say about my potential parenting skills? Sharp as a tack, that's what. Kids love beans & weenies. So yeah, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! Especially to you, dad (I'll call as soon as the fire department leaves).

Someecards

Jun 19 2010 Hustler Releasing 3-D Pr0n Parody Of Avatar

Hustler is releasing a 3-D pr0n0graphic parody of Avatar this fall, and this guy just popped like forty blue boners about it. As a result of all the CG and 3-D work, the smut-peddler is advertising 'This Ain't Avatar XXX' as their highest budget pr0n to date, with production costs in the hundreds of thousands dollars. Also, don't share glasses.

You're Going To Get To See an 'Avatar' Sex Scene After All [iwatchstuff]

Thanks to Benzene, James, Alena and kirsten, who can't believe I just used IWatchStuff as a source. What? I DO WHAT I WANT.

Jun 19 2010 Needs More Cowbell Violin: Playing Oldschool Video Game Music/Sound Effects On Violin

Note: Videos are after the jump because there wasn't enough cowbell for the front page.

This is a video series of some Japanese guy playing the music and sound effects to old Nintendo games on a violin as they're being played. He has a whole bunch of them on his Youtube page but I posted Super Mario Bros., Super Mario 3 and Donkey Kong after the jump. They're at least worth taking a look at. Like this mole on my back. Give it to me straight: malignant or not? Just a chocolate chip? F*** yeah I made love to a sundae!

Hit it for the videos.

Continue Reading " Needs More Cowbell Violin: Playing Oldschool Video Game Music/Sound Effects On Violin "

Jun 19 2010 But How Many People Died?: Body Counters Counts Movie Deaths So You Don't Have To

The Body Counters website keeps track of how many deaths there were in a particular film so you can decide if it's worth watching or not. For example, in The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood only one person dies. NOT WORTH IT. But what about 'Jason X'? Try 250,023 (including beating one person in a sleeping bag to death with another person in a sleeping bag, then that one against a tree). NOW THAT'S A F***ING WINNER! But nowhere near as impressive as the movie I'm making where EVERYBODY dies. I'm talking all 7-billion of you a-holes. What? I gotta make room for the dinos!

Body Counters

Thanks to Turbo the Mechanical Ape, who may or may not have died in Congo.

Jun 18 2010 Official Starcraft II Commercial Released

Note: Commercial is after the jump because it looks so good you might just want to kiss it and I can't have you frenching the front page. I don't know where your lips have been!

Starcraft II, it's coming. Specifically, on July 27th. Will your pants survive the wait or will your boner destroy them in a fit of nerdy rage anticipation? I've opted to go pantless until August just to be on the safe side. Not that this little guy could do any real damage, but still. Isn't that right, little guy? *penis typing* NIPS OR GTFO.

Oh real mature!

Hit it for the short, but badass looking commercial.

Continue Reading " Official Starcraft II Commercial Released "

Jun 18 2010 ShamWow Guy Hocking Eminem's New Album

Note: Commercial is after the jump because they didn't actually pay me anything to post it.

This is a commercial for Eminem's new album 'Recovery' featuring ShamWow hocker Vince "Hookerpunch" Shlomi. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to listen to rap music anymore since it made me rob a liquor store and pour champagne all over my little sister's friends, so don't expect a review. What you can expect are child support payments for the next 18 years (I took your love-sock and wiped it all over my privates -- I'm pregnant!).

Hit it for the sadness.

Continue Reading " ShamWow Guy Hocking Eminem's New Album "

Jun 18 2010 Robots That Still Function Even After Tearing Their Limbs Off (And You Know I'm Gonna)

Note: There's a video of the robot in action after the jump but it's not for the faint of heart. Or butt. *squirt* Oh God.

The Myon (rhymes with Cylon -- coincidence? I think not) is a humanoid robot (the worst kind) with modular body parts so if one gets torn off in battle it can still kill a couple hundred more humans before returning to base to be fitted with a new chainsaw arm or blowtorch leg.

Born from the Neurorobotics Research Laboratory at Humboldt University in Berlin, the Myon humanoid robot could represent the future of robot construction. That future? Modular body parts that can be changed on the fly.

Equipped with a large, cyclops-like eyepiece, and a chest-mounted touchscreen control panel, the robot can remain functional even as its various body parts are removed.

Dammit, Japan. Wait -- Berlin -- as in GERMANY? WTF?! *push-pinning Germany on my over-sized globe* Consider yourselves shit-listed, krauts!

Hit the jump for a disturbing video of an armless Myon in action.

Continue Reading " Robots That Still Function Even After Tearing Their Limbs Off (And You Know I'm Gonna) "

Jun 18 2010 Ninja Bear: Now With More Lightsaber Action

Note: Video is after the jump because my Force wasn't strong enough to keep the video on the front page. I know, I'm a weakling.

Following in the footsteps of Star Wars Kid, somebody went and edited a lightsaber into the hands of Ninja Bear. Only problem is, he can't seem to hold the thing by the handle. That's how I could tell it was all computer graphics. Because in real life he would have cut himself to pieces and splattered all the kids watching with his blood. Which reminds me: you ever seen a magician f*** up cutting a woman in half at a friend's Bar Mitzvah? Epic.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Ninja Bear: Now With More Lightsaber Action "

Jun 18 2010 Look Ma, No Hands! (Or Dignity): Hat Cams

Hat Cams are perfect for the spy who doesn't really understand spying. I'm looking at you, Mr. Bond. You couldn't spy your way out of a wet-paper bag with a laser watch and bow-tie camera! Also, go get tested. Hat Cams are $30 hats with a standard camera mount attached to the bill. Sure they'll make you look ridiculous, but you're going to anyways crawling around on the floor trying to look up women's skirts.

Product Site
via
Hatcam HC10 Is A Marvel Of Cinematic Innovation [ohgizmo]

Thanks to John, who, BOOM -- HEADSHOT! And to There's A Hole In My Heart, who just depressed the hell out of me.

Jun 18 2010 Functional AND Stylish: The Axe Back Sling

Is that an axe on your back or are you just happy to see me? Does this count as a concealed weapon if I'm wearing a Members Only jacket over it? When you're not braining zombies you don't want to have to carry your axe around by hand, do you? You need to keep those free for collecting gear and copping the occasional feel on a dead zombie boob, amirite? Okay put everybody who agreed on a government watch list. For you non necro-romancers, here's a $165 axe sling. It holds your axe so your hands don't have to. But be warned -- you know what they say about idle hands, don't you? They're the devil's playground. My penis' favorite is the merry-go-round!

Product Site
via
Best Made Axe Sling: Utility Wear For the Zombie Apocalypse [uberreview]

Jun 18 2010 You Can't Hustle Me!: A Pool-Playing Robot

Note: Video is after the jump because I know you're gonna launch the cue ball off the table breaking and I can't have it rolling around loose on the front page.

The PR2 is a robot designed to play pool (read: wait till you're bent over the table lining up a bank-shot and then impaling you with a cue). He's a shark.

The PR2 from Willow Garage might look pleasant enough, but it's a serious pool-playing machine. It doesn't use any fancy human remote-control cameras to play its perfect game of pool. Instead, it uses a set of high-resolution cameras with a "color blob tracker", and special software to plan its shots.

Oh yeah, robot? Well you're not the only one who can plan shots! Check it: bourbon, bourbon, vodka, bourbon, bourbon, vodka, bourbon! Just sayin', I'm already planning eight shots ahead. Robot technology can't f*** with me!

Hit the jump for a video of PR2 in action.

Continue Reading " You Can't Hustle Me!: A Pool-Playing Robot "

Jun 18 2010 Tsintaosaurus: The Sexiest Dino I Ever Saw

Tsintaosaurus was like the unicorn of the Cretaceous Period. Except, instead of corns, they had penises growing out of their heads. Thanks, God!

Tsintaosaurus was a duck-billed dinosaur, or Hadrosaur, that lived in China about 84 to 71 million years ago. Like many Lambeosaurs, Tsintaosaurus is believed to have sported a fancy crest on its head. In this case, the crest is a skinny rod that stuck out above of the dinosaur's face much like a mythical unicorn's horn. A while back it was believed that this crest is actually just a piece of the animal's top jaw that had broken and become bent upwards. Then another specimen was found with the exact same feature, thus leading most people once again to believe that this animal indeed sported a unicorn crest.

Listen: unicorn horn, rod, crest -- I don't care what you call it, I just want it inside me.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of sexiest thing I've ever seen, including a close-up.

Continue Reading " Tsintaosaurus: The Sexiest Dino I Ever Saw "

Jun 18 2010 You'll Never Have To Give Up Your Lunch Money Again: Sweet Star Wars Lunch Boxes

You ever wanted to eat a PB&J out of R2's head? Who hasn't? And now you can thanks to this $11 lunchbox. Whoa,11?! You can't even get a handjob candy bar for $11 anymore! There's also Boba Fett and Darth Vader models (plus a ton of others) available if the little astromech droid isn't doing it for you. He's definitely doing it for me though. And by it I mean filming Leia while she changes. And no beep-booping -- you blew our cover last time.

Hit the jump for another shot of R2 and the other boxes.

Continue Reading " You'll Never Have To Give Up Your Lunch Money Again: Sweet Star Wars Lunch Boxes "

Jun 17 2010 It'd Look Better On A Whale Tail: Car Thong

Because classiness knows no bounds, here's a car thong. Or maybe somebody stole a pair of your girlfriend's panties out of the dryer and slapped them on their Subaru. Hoho -- burn! Whatever the case, that car needs to learn how to wipe.

I-Am-Bored
via
Car Thong [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Emanuel, who sniffed them and said they smell like gas. Gross!

Jun 17 2010 A CD + 5-Inch Vinyl Combo Disc: The Best Of Both Worlds! Old-Ass Technology Mashup

What do you get when a 5" record and a CD get together and have the sexes? Nothing silly, records and CDs can't breed! Now iPods -- oh boy. They don't just Touch. See what I did there? I'm practically unstoppable.

Jeff Mills latest release, The Occurrence, is pressed on a hybrid CD. One side is just a normal CD, the other is a 5″ vinyl pressing which you can play on a turntable. How cool is that?

That is SO cool considering I don't own a single piece of equipment capable of playing either side. Well that's not entirely true. There's a CD player in my car but it's broken. You see, there's a couple pieces of bologna stuck in there. What? I was high and it looked like a meat toaster!

A Vinyl And CD Release On One Disc [todayandtomorrow]
via
Vinyl and CD, together on one disc [dvice]

Jun 17 2010 Hey, It Happens: Craigslist Engagement Rings

Some princess she turned out to be, amirite?! Geez, was there a cameraman there too? AND gaffers?! Whoa whoa whoa -- A BUFFET TABLE?!?! Oh wow.

Craigslist (won't last forever)

Thanks to Tecknix, who would have just yelled 'CUT!', tied everybody up, then set the house on fire.

Jun 17 2010 For Zombie Slayin': The Husqvarna 355Fx

Everybody has their own personal weapon preference when it comes to braining zombies. Some prefer shotguns, others crowbars, and I like to swing my penis around like a battle axe. You too?! High-fi-- nevermind. But for those of you who haven't found that perfect zombie-lobotomizer yet, maybe you should consider a $1,180 Husqvarna 355Fx (Zombie) Clearing Saw. Just sayin', I bet you'd look handsome carrying one!

The powerful X-Torq® engine allows for rapid acceleration, reduced emissions and low fuel consumption. The handlebar is angled 7 degrees for better posture during cutting. The thumb throttle control is designed for comfortable use over a long period of time.

Wow, that actually sounds pretty promising. Of course so did the 25¢ peep show I wandered into last night. And let me tell ya: you get what you pay for. No, less -- you get less than what you pay for. Especially in the teeth department.

Product Site
via
Husqvarna 355FX Forestry Saw Is Your Secret Weapon To Getting To The Front Of That iPhone 4 Line [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Jacob, who went in after I did and agrees it must have been scar night.

Jun 17 2010 Geez, Just Drown And Get Out Of The Gene Pool Lake Already: Epic Jet Ski Loading Fail

Note: Video is after the jump because I motorboated a mermaid on the back of a jet ski once. I know, I know, now I'm just bragging.

If you haven't seen this video already it's basically an advertisement for birth control. Or maybe life vests. Whichever the case, one thing's for certain: both these guys are probably dead by now. And I refuse, I REFUSE to pour out any liquor for them. You're no homeys of mine!

Hit the jump for a minute full of failure.

Continue Reading " Geez, Just Drown And Get Out Of The Gene Pool Lake Already: Epic Jet Ski Loading Fail "

Jun 17 2010 The Cutest Lil Ninja Turtle You Ever Did See!

Raphael, is that really you?! You...look different. Have you considered rolling around in the ooze again? Okay well I suggest drinking some this time.

Ninja turtle in real life [worth1000]
via
The Littlest Ninja Turtle [buzzfeed]

Jun 17 2010 Looks Delicious: Booze Under A Microscope

This is a series of photographs taken of alcoholic beverages under a microscope. This is tequila, but there are several more of my favorites after the jump. Now I don't know about you, but I'd drink every single one of them. And eat the microscope slides. This one tastes like my mouth is bleeding!

"What you can see in the magnified pictures are the crystalised carbohydrates that have become sugars and glucose," explained Lester Hutt, 35, the founder of Bevshots.

"Each image was created by using a pipette of each particular drink and squeezing a drop onto a slide. Then the droplets are allowed to dry out and the slide is placed under the microscope and a picture taken."

It can take up to four weeks for the alcohol to dry out completely in an airtight container, and the whole process can take up to three months.

God, all this talk about alcohol has really got me craving a drink. Which is exactly why I started boozing when I woke up because I knew something like this was gonna happen. Consider it a vision of the future. Or raging alcoholism, same difference. You say potato, I say potato vodka.

Hit the jump for several more of my favorites, as well as the link to even more.

Continue Reading " Looks Delicious: Booze Under A Microscope "

Jun 17 2010 First 3-D Road Map Of A Brain's Connections

Note: Slightly larger shot HERE in case you want to plan a vacation or something.

This is a 3-D map of the neural connections in an owl-monkey's brain. Now I don't wanna jump to any conclusions, but I suspect it leads to buried treasure. Keep your eyes peeled for booby traps.

Van Wedeen, a Harvard radiology professor, is awestruck: "We've never really seen the brain - it's been hiding in plain sight." Conventional scanning has offered us a crude glimpse, but scientists such as Wedeen aim to produce the first ever three-dimensional map of all its neurons. They call this circuit diagram the "connectome", and it could help us better understand everything from imagination and language to the miswirings that cause mental illness. But with 100 billion neurons hooked together by more connections than there are stars in the MilkyWay, the brain is a challenge that represents petabyte-level data.

Petabyte-level data? Damn. Tell you what -- you feed me for a week and I'll let you map my brain. It's more on the kilobyte-level. Just don't complain when the map turns out to be an animated gif of a penis dancing to peanut butter jelly time.

First 3D Map of the Brain's Connections [gearfuse]

Thanks to Brian, who, if you reverse the I and A in his name spells Brain. COINCIDENCE? I think not! Yes.

Jun 17 2010 Marisa Miller's 'Too Hot For TV' Guitar Hero Ad

Note: Video is after the jump because I can't have you accidentally popping a boner at work.

This is allegedly a never-before-seen Guitar Hero commercial featuring underwear-er Marisa Miller. It's in the same vein as their other Risky Business ripoff ads you might have seen. Except this one has Marisa Miller dancing around in her intimates, shaking her ass like two handfuls of popcorn. I'm pretty sure at one point her buttcheeks even screamed, "ARE YOU READY TO ROOOOCK?!", but that could have just been my imagination the mushrooms. OMG -- Smurfs in my couch, Smurfs in my couch!

Hit the jump for the look to make sure your boss isn't watching first.

Continue Reading " Marisa Miller's 'Too Hot For TV' Guitar Hero Ad "

Jun 16 2010 OMG, Precious!: Lord Of The Ring Plushies

See what I did with the title there? I worked "precious" into it. Stayed up all night coming up with that one. Kidding, the dog just whispered it in my ear. Talking pets (no you can't hump the cat!) aside, each 7-inch doll costs $13 apiece and is available for pre-order now (shipping in September). Who's your favorite? Mine's Legolas. Sooooo dreamy. You know how Cupid shoots people with a bow & arrow and makes them fall in love? Well Legolas did that to me. God she's just so f***ing hot.
...
...
LOLWUT?!

Product Site
via
Lord of the Rings Plush Dolls to Protect your Home [obviouswinner]

Jun 16 2010 1:18 Scale Gold And Diamond Bugatti Veyron Nearly Twice As Expensive As The Actual Car

You're looking at a 1:18 scale Bugatti Veyron made out of gold, platinum and diamonds. It costs $3 million. *shooting beer out my nose* Wait, what?!

The world's most Luxurious and expensive model car. This unique project was a fusion between Robert Gulpen of Munich & Stuart Hughes of Liverpool both who both are well respected in the individual fields of Bespoke luxury Designs. This mammoth and very intricate job took 2 months to finish

Type: Bugatti Veyron Diamond Ltd Edition Scale: 1:18
Materials: Solid 24ct Gold and Platinum with 7.2ct single cut Flawless Diamond (in front grill)
Extras: Steering functioned, all hoods operational, engine and all parts very detailed Weight: approx 7kg
Included: Certification of authenticity, glass house, aluminium case, photo documentation of the manufacturing process

Available as a ltd edition of only 3 to be made

Limited edition of three? But I wanted four for myself! Haha, did I say four? Because I meant zero.

Hit the jump for couple shots of the shiny little interior and a link to the product page.

Continue Reading " 1:18 Scale Gold And Diamond Bugatti Veyron Nearly Twice As Expensive As The Actual Car "

Jun 16 2010 OH HELL YES: Stretched DeLorean Limo

So do you wanna go back to my place after the prom or do you wanna go, oh I don't know, BACK TO THE FUTURE?! My place? Gimme back that corsage, you're no date of mine! WHOA WHOA WHOA -- HAVE SEX WHAT?!

Limo Win [failblog]

Thanks to Sarah, who was going to the prom in Doc Brown's time machine but was running late and got up to 88mph and ended up missing the dance by four centuries.

Jun 16 2010 Cool Stop-Motion Video Made With Tea-Lights

Note: Video is after the jump because I don't want your crotch to catch fire on the front page. Wait -- yes, yes I do.

Yes I know what tea-lights are! Does that make me gay? No, lovin' on another man's booty would make me gay. Knowing what tea-lights are just makes me appreciative of their romantic, flickering ambiance. I like to light a couple dozen around an aromatic bubble bath and mmmm, what a sensual treat! Then I unrobe and slip into the tub with another man. And THAT'S when things get gay.

All I can say is ..this took over 2 weeks to do. A lot of fire, A lot of smoke, a lot of heat, and a whole lot of frustration.

Sounds like my sex life. HIYO! No it really does though.

Hit it for the fiery video.

Continue Reading " Cool Stop-Motion Video Made With Tea-Lights "

Jun 16 2010 FREE STUFF!: Buckyball Giveaway (Balls Now Available In Gold, Silver And Black!!)

So buckyballs are now available in gold, silver and black finishes ($35 + $6 handling) and I'm giving away 10 free sets from GetBuckyballs.com. It's just like last time, except instead of reading 1,600 haiku I'm just gonna give one to the first person to not post FIRST! in the comments and use a random number generator to select 9 other comments. All you have to do is leave a comment WITH A VALID EMAIL ADDRESS IN THE EMAIL ADDRESS BOX (not the comment box). Only one entry per email address. If you're selected I'll search your address to verify you didn't use it more than once. If you did you're disqualified and I'll personally come to your house to kick your ass. Contest ends midnight Pacific, June 23rd and winners will be announced Friday, June 25th. For those of you who can't wait to win or are confident you're gonna lose, entering promo code 'GEEK' will score you 10% off your order. I have a set of the old ones, and trust me: I swallowed a handful and they never came out they're fun. Good luck and happy commenting!

UPDATE: Winners will be allowed to choose which finish they want BECAUSE I'M A KIND AND BENEVOLENT KING. Don't you forget it either. I'll whip ya.

Hit the jump for a bunch of product close-ups and a video in case you've never seen my the amazing balls in action.

Continue Reading " FREE STUFF!: Buckyball Giveaway (Balls Now Available In Gold, Silver And Black!!) "

Jun 16 2010 You Can See Everything: Hot Pin-Up Calendar

YOW YOW! Check out the vertebrae on that one! And don't even get me started on the coccyx. Boy what I wouldn't give to be a cast on her, amirite? Calm down, that could be a man for all we know (I've been pretending it is!).

The "Eizo: Pin-up Calendar 2010" is really particular. This pin-up calendar offers you more than the usual integral nude : X-ray girls literally ! ;) Eizo is a brand of medical supplies and their campaign is awesome !

Very clever. But a heads up: be wary of anybody who says they get off on this sort of thing. Because they're the same people who sneak shovels into graveyards at night. Nec-romancers.

Hit the jump for a handful more of the hotness, along with a link to even more.

Continue Reading " You Can See Everything: Hot Pin-Up Calendar "

Jun 16 2010 Let Me Review!: New 1W "Lightsaber" Laser

If you haven't already heard, Wicked Lasers is selling a $200 1W blue laser that doesn't only look cool, it is cool. And by cool I mean 'powerful enough to set your f***ing skin ablaze'.

The Artic emits a 445nm cool blue, ultra high power 1W beam which appears up to 4000% brighter than the Sonar's 405nm violet beam. This direct blue laser diode is the result of the evolution of laser technology. Less than one year ago, this laser would have cost thousands of dollars to build.

Warning: Extremely dangerous is an understatement to 1W of laser power.Extremely dangerous is an understatement to the power of 1W of laser power. It will blind permanently and instantly and set fire quickly to skin and other body parts.". Customers will be required to completely read and agree to our Class 4 Laser Hazard Acknowledgment Form..

I wrote the company over the weekend asking to get my hands on one, but I haven't heard back yet so I can only assume they didn't take my whole "I'm a total professional" bit too seriously. Which -- you can't smell booze through an email, right? Joking, I'm not stupid. (what about instant messenger?)

Product Site

Thanks to Mike w, Benjamin, Peterman, Chris, Kaibedz, ScienceLost, Becky G., Richard Belding, Chuey The Rock N Roll Midget, Ste, James, Boswell, Ben, Spartacus, Matt, Rt. Rev. Dr. Dom and swiggy, none of which would hesitate to blind an enemy with science. Ruthless!

Jun 16 2010 Panasonic's New 152-Inch 3-D Plasma TV

Panasonic just announced their upcoming line of "ultra-large" (read: f***ing huge) 3-D plasma televisions. They're gonna come in 85, 103 and 152-inch flavors, which I find more than a little annoying considering I just sprung for a 151-incher last year. Typical!

The Osaka firm's new TH-152UX1 plasma display measures a colossal 152 inches across the diagonal, allowing the engineers to pack in 8.84 million pixels, four times the high-definition standard, AKA the legendary 4K.

Anyone able to afford the estimated $100,000-plus asking price for the 152-incher might also want to reinforce their abode. The daddy of the family can be mounted on either a wall bracket or a floor pedestal but, at 590kg [~1,300lbs], we'd like to see them try.

Mounting a 1,300lb television to the wall, are you kidding me? That thing would tear my entire apartment complex to the ground. I can see it now: that crazy old lady with the super saggies standing in the courtyard wondering where all her ceramic kittens went. Seriously, I'm watching her right now. Dammit Ms. Hernendez, PUT THE DROOPIES AWAY.

Panasonic Press Release
via
Panasonic pushes home cinema to the outer limit [cnngo]

Thanks to rhino, who can't have nice things because he'd just put his horn through them.

Jun 16 2010 Mmmm: New Zelda Officially Announced At E3

Note: Videos are after the jump because I didn't want you to get so excited you blow your Geekologie-reading cover at work.

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword was officially announced at E3 yesterday, leaving me with a video game induced boner that made sleeping on my stomach last night next to impossible. The adventure is expected to begin sometime next year and will take advantage of the Wii's MotionPlus so you can flail around with your sword and shield like the little epileptic monkey that you are. Also announced: Ocarina of Time ported to Nintendo's new 3DS handheld. Oh -- oh -- THERE IT GOES AGAIN. *crunch!* Laptop batteries don't have acid in them, right?

Hit the jump for a teaser trailer and a long-ass video of Miyamoto unveiling the thing.

Continue Reading " Mmmm: New Zelda Officially Announced At E3 "

Jun 15 2010 Mashup!: Futurama Characters As X-Mens

Note: This pic is small and doesn't do the piece justice so to see the whole thing click CHEER. Oh shit, oh shit -- spirit fingers!

DeviantARTist gottabecarl went and mashed the Futurama and X-Men universes together. This is what he got. Oh really -- then what about the superpowers you're not telling us about?! ARE YOU X-RAY VISIONIN' MY NIPPLES RIGHT NOW?! You wanna?

A friend of mine suggested one day that it would be cool to see the characters of Futurama as X-Men and so I drew him Fry as Cyclops. For some reason I couldn't just stop there...and what came of it was a pretty extensive illustration with some of the most obscure characters from both the X-Men and Futurama universes.

Great job, Carl. It's times like these I wish God would have given me some sort of artistic talent. But alas, all I got was a face that could make Adonis cry and a wiener that NASA wants to use as a ladder to the moon. Still, I wish I could draw.

Carl's deviantART

Thanks to Martin, who once mashed Batman and Robin together and got, well, Batman and Robin rubbing twinkies.

Jun 15 2010 But It Looks So Cool!: The Fridge Of The Future, Today Tomorrow Probably Never

Looks cool. Get it? Refrigerator joke! Anyway, this is Yuriy Dmitriev's conceptual fridge of the future. OMG it's made out of Slimer.

So, what is that stuff? The Electrolux blog -- which lists Dmitriev's concept as one of 25 semifinalists for this year's Electrolux Design Lab contest -- describes it as a "biopolymer gel," or more specifically a "non-sticky, odorless gel." You simply plunge whatever you want to keep fresh into the mass of your Bio Robot fridge and it'll stay where you left it until you come back.

I, for one, am all for it (minus the name). And not just because I want to mush my penis in there and pretend I'm makin' love to the Ice Queen, but you know I'm gonna. And she better not burn my hotdog the way she does the ice cream.

Hit the jump for one more shot explaining the thing.

Continue Reading " But It Looks So Cool!: The Fridge Of The Future, Today Tomorrow Probably Never "

Jun 15 2010 God Is Piiiiiissed: 'Touchdown' Jesus Statue Gets Struck By Lightning, Now A Terminator

God, apparently pissed that Jesus forgot to take out the trash (read: sinners), got so upset he lightning-bolted one of Jesus' statues ablaze. Now that's some tough love. Unconditional, but tough.

The "King of Kings" statue, one of southwest Ohio's most familiar landmarks, had stood since 2004 at the evangelical Solid Rock Church along Interstate 75 in Monroe, just north of Cincinnati.

The lightning strike set the statue ablaze around 11:15 p.m. Monday, Monroe police dispatchers said.

The sculpture, about 62 feet tall and 40 feet wide at the base, showed Jesus from the torso up and was nicknamed Touchdown Jesus because of the way the arms were raised, similar to a referee signaling a touchdown. It was made of plastic foam and fiberglass over a steel frame, which is all that remained Tuesday.

People have gone as far to nickname the remains "Terminator Jesus" due to his metallic roboticness and the church even ran, "He'll Be Back!" on their programmable sign. Oh he'll be back, alright. I just thought he was coming back to the Mount of Olives. You know, not Ohio.

6-story Jesus statue in Ohio struck by lightning [yahoonews]

Thanks to Molly, drake, Matty, DC_Dewd, Just...A Guy, Emily, Rob, Richard, steph, Peter Paul and Michael, doozer_55 and Will, who all wanted to roast marshmallows. Oh now that's just blasphemous.

Jun 15 2010 This Is Zach, He Better Win That Oprah Show

Note: Video is after the jump because something about Oprah sucking.

For those of you who haven't already seen, this is Zach. Zach has cerebral palsy and is bound to a wheelchair but is funnier and better attitude'd than every single person I know with fully-functional legs (plus those with peg-legs). He's competing in Oprah's 'Your Own Show' contest which grants the winner their own television show. Zach wants to do a travel one. Oh God please win. I'd push you to the end of the earth and back!

Wheelchair-bound lady magnet Zach, discusses his many talents and idea for a TV show designed to inspire people who never thought they could travel. Join Zach as he globe-trots to some of the most notoriously inaccessible locations and embraces the spontaneous nature of world travel! No matter what the obstacle, he'll face every bump in the road with a smile.

Great job, Zach. I don't really watch TV (The Hills excluded), but I'd definitely tune in to check it out. The last travel show I watched was all about some chubby asshat traveling the globe eating the grossest things he could find. I'm talking bird brains and snake dicks. So don't do that.

Hit it for Zach's worthwhile 3-minute audition, and a link to the vote page.

Continue Reading " This Is Zach, He Better Win That Oprah Show "

Jun 15 2010 Chat Roulette Considering Anti-Peen Filter

Seen here using the website to expose myself on a typical Tuesday morning, Chat Roulette is considering running anti-penis software that will censor and ban dongs. Boo!

Its 17-year-old Russian developer Andrey Ternovskiy is believed to be looking at implementing a service that may add software that 'can quickly scan video to determine if a penis is being shown'.

The site will also flag up those users who are frequently 'nexted', or who people do not want to remain chatting with, as this will usually mean that they are engaged in something rather unsavoury.

Some users did not seem so keen on the idea of censoring what is one of the internet's wilder websites.

'So if you remove the spectacle, what is left? Only, Banal, and uninteresting conversation, which will send chat roulette into the dead pool,' wrote one Chatroulette fan on a forum

Wow, I couldn't have said it better myself, anonymous Chatroulette fan. NOW SHOW ME YOUR PENIS!

Chatroulette considers 'penis filter' to clean up website that has been taken over by flashers [dailymail]

Thanks to Peterman, who, despite his name, swears he's never exposed himself online.

Jun 15 2010 Another Day, Another Japanese Robot Baby

Japan, Japan, Japan -- what are we gonna do with you? KNOCK IT OFF WITH ALL THE ROBOTS ALREADY! You're giving me butt ulcers.

Japanese researchers created a baby robot designed to simulate the behavior and development of a real infant in an effort to better understand how humans grow up.

Named Noby, short for "nine-month-old baby," it has 600 sensors across its body to feel touch, cameras and microphones fitted into its head for vision and hearing and is hooked up to a powerful computer.

"You can load your software into the robot, watch how it reacts to human actions and its surroundings and compare it with the behavior of real children," Kuniyoshi told AFP Tuesday.

"Human beings learn and develop various functions in the process of growing up, but the exact mechanism is yet to be explained," it said.

Shedding light on the field will help develop robots that could live together with humans in the future, it said.

Really, Japan? You really wanna know how children grow up? NOTHING LIKE F***ING ROBOTS. Now set that thing on fire and let's hit the sushi bar.

Japanese Build Robo-Baby [foxnews]

Thanks to Nick, who would have disassembled the baby and made a portable game console.

Jun 15 2010 Father And Son Build Stargate, Lifetime Of Fond Memories Together In The Backyard

This is a Stargate built by a father/son duo to add some much needed ambiance to their backyard. Sure beats the hell out of a koi pond!

This awesome homemade Stargate was built by a father and son in Australia out of wood, coat hangers, tubing and styrofoam.

Good lookin', guys. It even spins, just like a real Stargate. Which, if you've never seen before, is like the big wheel on The Price Is Right, except if it lands on $1 you don't win $1,000 and a bonus spin. But you do get f***ed by aliens, which is even better.

Hit the jump for a handful of build shots and a video of the gate in action.

Continue Reading " Father And Son Build Stargate, Lifetime Of Fond Memories Together In The Backyard "

Jun 15 2010 New XBox 360: Red Ring Of Death Solved

To nobody's surprise, Microsoft announced the new XBox 360 yesterday. It has a number of notable improvements over the old brick, including: shiny blackness, a 250GB drive, built-in Wi-Fi, a quieter fan and a custom Kinect port for new motion controller. All for the same price as before ($299)! Did I mention no more red ring of death?

With the new Xbox 360 250GB model, announced this morning during Microsoft's E310 press conference, error codes will be represented by a red centre light on the "cap touch" power button.

Hoho -- replacing the red ring of death with a red eye of death! Clever, Microsoft. Kidding, they say it's all been solved. Per Albert Penello, project manager:

"The first thing I want to tell people is, it's not going to be a problem. If something does go wrong, because consumer electronics, no matter how good you are, unfortunately there will be one guy who might have a problem, there will be an error message on the front. It won't be three red rings. There will just be an error code. The centre light turns red. But no-one will see it!"

There you have it, straight from the horse's mouth. Also, a half-chewed apple and some pretty gnarly looking teeth. I've got two words for you, Mr. Ed: dental floss. Seriously, it looks like you've been brushing with shit.

Hit the jump for the full spec-sheet of the new system.

Continue Reading " New XBox 360: Red Ring Of Death Solved "

Jun 15 2010 Where's The Gold Gravy?: A Bacon Rainbow

Neil Caldwell has developed a way to dye bacon so it looks like a unicorn just threw up next to your pancakes. Unfortunately, he won't say how it's done. But from the look of things it involves unholy amounts of peen-shrinking Yellow #5. Love that stuff. The doctor said if I don't drink at least a gallon a day I'll have no choice but to keep on being the world's greatest lover...of subway tunnels.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the unkosherness.

Continue Reading " Where's The Gold Gravy?: A Bacon Rainbow "

Jun 14 2010 Pulling A Kid's Tooth Out With A Model Rocket

Note: Video is after the jump because I don't want your children getting any bright ideas.

This is a video of a little kid getting a tooth pulled via model rocket. His dad definitely deserves a parenting award. You know, or an anonymous call to child services. Now not to brag or anything, but I DO have an appointment to get all my wisdom teeth pulled by the f***ing space shuttle. I hope it melts my face off!

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Pulling A Kid's Tooth Out With A Model Rocket "

Jun 14 2010 Dammit Mario, Stop Stealing D's!: Mario In 3-D

First he steals all the copper pipe out of my grandparents' house, now he's stealing extra dimensions! WTF, MARIO?! You have an invincibility star addiction we don't know about? Haha, what do you mean you're depressed? It doesn't have anything to do with me and the Princess's peach, does it? Oh you didn't know ab-- I SAID I'M GAY FOR TOAD!

cezkid's DeviantART
via
Retro Mario in 3D flavor [likecool]

Thanks to Guilmon_DT, who made a 3-D model of the Princess but wouldn't share it with anybody because he wants her all to himself. That's greedy!

Jun 14 2010 *facepalm* A Hello Kitty Ferrari 360 Modena

This is a Ferrari 360 Modena spotted somewhere in Jakarta, Indonesia. If you can't tell, the owner really loves Hello Kitty. Also, ruining luxury cars. Seriously, that interior looks like straight up cat diarrhea.

Hit the jump for a bunch more of the you oughta be ashamed.

Continue Reading " *facepalm* A Hello Kitty Ferrari 360 Modena "

Jun 14 2010 Vapor Trails My Ass, That's A Time Machine!

This is a shot of a Boeing F/A-18E/F Super Hornet returning from a trip through space and time. Sure you could argue those are just vapor trails, but you'd sound like an idiot and nobody will ever take you seriously again. Not that we do now anyways. Just sayin', remember the time you tried to argue there's an internet post office for sorting email? Okay so you were right about that one.

Hit the jump for a second shot taken shortly after. Like, super-shortly after. I'm talking fractions of a second.

Continue Reading " Vapor Trails My Ass, That's A Time Machine! "

Jun 14 2010 It Buuuuuurns!!: SEGA Console Zippo Lighters

Lighters: they set things on fire. Sometimes it's fireworks, sometimes it's accidentally your crotch, but it's always a good time. And now you can buy Zippos that look like the SEGA Genesis and Sega Saturn. Somebody's thinking about giving crack a go!

They're available in both a 16-bit (Mega Drive aka Genesis) and 32-bit (Saturn) versions. And while they will light your cigarettes, they won't play any games....Want these awesome Sega lighters? You'll have to save up ¥10,500 for each one (about $114 USD), get out your Japanese-to-English dictionary and head over to NetYou.

Nice, but I'm still holding out for a Dreamcast model. And by "Dreamcast" I obviously mean "plus-sized male underwear". Shake those rolls in my face!

sega zippo lighters: hey man, your console is on fire! [technabob]

Thanks to Drew, who has a NES Zippo and only uses it to light candles before making sweet, romantic love.

Jun 14 2010 You've Got To Be Kidding Me: Bullet Earbuds

Free booze: want. Bullet earphones: do not want.

These Teknines Nine Millimeter Earphones from MUNITO look like bullets but they are in fact earphones. The copper alloy cases are gold plated and the cords are covered in Kevlar, and yes you will look like a pathetic wannabe gangster if you go out and spend the $250 it costs to get a pair.

$250?! Are you out of your gotdamn mind?! I'll tell you what -- you bring me twos shotgun shells and I'll make you some real earbuds. Plus every pair comes with a free story! One about you and I getting a little farm together and livin' off the fat of the land. Plus raising rabbits! (That's when I blow your brains out)

Teknines: 9mm Earphones Let You Pay Lots of Money to Look Like a Fool [uberreview]

Jun 14 2010 There Can Be Only One: Contra Vs. Tetris

Note: Video is after the jump because they're probably gonna remove it for copyright violation but hey -- at least there's a picture on the front page so you can make-believe what happens.

This is a cute cartoon made by a Russian beer-chip manufacturer or something. It features one of the warriors from Contra battling it out in a game of Tetris. Now I don't want to ruin it for you, but there's a surprise ending. It makes your computer explode with candy. Kidding, dreams really don't come true.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " There Can Be Only One: Contra Vs. Tetris "

Jun 14 2010 Bad Mashup: Avatar Stormtrooper Helmet

There are good mashups (my lips and a lovely lady's lips) and there are bad mashups (my ass and anything bigger than a breadbox pinky). This is one of the latter.

Created by Denise Vasquez for 501st TK Project who also created the beautiful Brass Stormtrooper Helmet, this project really brings two Giant movie characters within one amazing looking helmet. The Na'vi may not be wearing any armor to shield their looks, but it doesn't mean that the Star Wars helmet cannot be created to look like the Pandora creatures that have captured our hearts.

I never saw Avatar so I can't say whether the Pandora creatures would actually capture my heart or not. But they'd definitely capture a few of my arrows if you know what I mean! I mean I'm gonna shoot them all with a crossbow. Blue meat's a treat!

Hit the jump for a couple side-shots of the here put this on and let me hit you. Tell me if it hurts.

Continue Reading " Bad Mashup: Avatar Stormtrooper Helmet "

Jun 14 2010 Wow: $30,000 Robotic LEGO Chess Game

This is Monster Chess, a 12' x 12' (that's feet, not inches) robotic LEGO chess game made with over 100,000 blocks for a total build cost of ~$30K (that's thousands, not kelvin). The pieces are all controlled via laptop and I wouldn't hesitate to body-slam a rook if it got out of line. Same goes for the knights. But not the king -- he reminds me of Stephen Hawking.

Hit the jump for a long-ass video of the game being played.

Continue Reading " Wow: $30,000 Robotic LEGO Chess Game "

Jun 13 2010 The Saga Continues: Avatar Tattoo Guy

Remember Avatar tattoo guy? I know, how could you forget such a glorious piece of flesh? Well dude is pleased to announce tattoo #4 has been completed and looks just as amazing as the others. Which isn't very. Or at all actually. That shit looks f***ing terrible.

Hit the jump for two more shots of the you have a problem, bro.

Continue Reading " The Saga Continues: Avatar Tattoo Guy "

Jun 13 2010 Craigslist Fail: Trading Weed For An iPad

Two idiots posted a Craigslist ad hoping to trade a 3rd generation iPod Touch and a 1/4 ounce of weed for a new iPad. They got arrested and will soon be trading their asses for cigarettes in the slammer.

The pot was conveniently placed in a jar on a scale, so potential traders--and police--would now exactly what they were getting into with the deal. When undercover officers were offered the pot during a meeting, arrests--and tech history--were made.

Both men currently face charges for possession of an illegal substance and conspiracy to sell Marijuana.

Wow, you did it so wrong it isn't even funny. First off all, you weren't offering nearly enough weed. Secondly, pretty much everything else about your stupid plan. I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't a very good one.

Hit the jump for mug-shots.

Continue Reading " Craigslist Fail: Trading Weed For An iPad "

Jun 13 2010 Batman Pregnant With Superman's Baby

You read correctly: Batman and Superman is havin' a baby together. No word yet on the sex, but I bet it's gonna be a batboy! Get it? Because they did it in the butt.

Batman's made up his mind, he's keeping Superman's baby [io9]

Thanks to silvermidnight, who wants to have Aquaman's baby so the little tyke can put an end to these oil leak shenanigans. Ah, child labor.

Jun 12 2010 I Smell A Lawsuit!: The Real Adobe Photoshop

In a case of art (programs) imitating life, here's the real adobe photo shop. Get it? Because it's an adobe photo shop. Now let's head in there and get some old-timey pictures made. I get to be the whore in the bathtub with a shotgun!

Adobe Photo Shop Spotted [techeblog]

Thanks to Erica, who always poses at the card table with a Jack Daniels bottle. Ah yes, classic.

Jun 12 2010 Screw It, I'm Taking A Nap: The Pillow Tie

If there's one thing I can't stand it's being awake. Last night I dreamed I went to a Korean karaoke bar that also had a giant buffet set up on pool tables. I kept going for the miniature hotdogs on hamburger buns but none of them were vegetarian. Any idea what that means? I'm gay?! Cool that's what my dreambook said too. Anyway, Pillow Ties are inflatable neckties you can use to nap comfortably in the middle of business meetings. They cost $20 and come in a million different designs. Me? I got a paisley one and then blew it up and stuffed it down my pants. Hell yeah, business casual!

Official Site

Thanks to SomerTime, who just uses her purse.

Jun 12 2010 Eye Of The Tiger Dog: Chinese Pet Dyeing

Always wanted a tiger or panda bear but were worried they'd maul the faces off everyone in the neighborhood? That's because they would. Thankfully, now you can have your dog dyed to look like one. Because why stop at just chopping off their balls?

Hit the jump for several more of the poor bastards.

Continue Reading " Eye Of The Tiger Dog: Chinese Pet Dyeing "

Jun 11 2010 Good Times, Great Rashes: Couple Busted Dry Humping By Google Street View Car

This is an English couple caught mid-dry coitus by a Google Street View car despite the fact they insist they were only kissing. Uh, I don't know you do it across the pond, but that's not how I kiss. Yes, yes it is too -- my uncle taught me!

The couple--Eddie Bateman and his girlfriend Hayley Moss--was understandably surprised to discover their first kiss on the internet, especially since it looks distinctly like a bit more than a kiss. Hayley's take:

"I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't admit to it being me at first, as I was worried it looked quite bad, as it looks more than it is, but it really was just a kiss."

Suuuure. Keep the lies coming, Hayley, but you know what they say: the proof of the pudding is in the tasting a picture's worth a thousand words. And in your case those words are, "dude's poppin' an awkward boner" 200 times.

Google Street View Captures Couple's First Dry Hump [gizmodo]

Thanks to Greg, who keeps his dry-humping behind closed doors. Hey, different strokes for different folks (I'm an exhibitionist).

Jun 11 2010 Dare You To Put Your Finger In There And Let Me Turn The Crank: A Coffee Table Shredder

This is a paper shredding coffee table. It's called the Papervore but it looks more like an Anythingthat'llfitinthatslitavore if you ask me. Unsurprisingly, it's a real-ass product and will set you back a ridiculous $1,950 if you don't have the taste and decency to make your own out of an old pasta maker and breadbox. But go ahead, Mr. Moneybags, do whatever you want (I hope your cat takes to shitting in it).

Papervore Coffee Table Has A Taste For Confidential Documents [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Sharon, who once ran a boyfriend's peener through one of those old-fashioned pencil sharpeners for texting another girl. Lizzy? That's his sister.

Jun 11 2010 Silent But Violent: Fastest Electric Motorcycle

What you're looking at is the MotoCzysz E1pc, the world's fastest electric motorcycle. Also, worst named. MotoCzysz E1pc, really? Sounds like a retarded computer hacker.

Even though it looks like multiple rows of batteries with two wheels on either side, it's the most advanced motorcycle in the world.

You're looking at lots of batteries there, 10 times the capacity of the Toyota Prius, giving this crotch rocket enough power to blast it to 140 mph, way beyond the next-fastest electric motorcycle.

140mph?! That's 14x faster than I feel safe on a motorcycle. Kidding, I'm a speed demon. Plus cock goblin meth monster. YAAAARGH! See? No teeth.

Hit the jump for a closeup of the batteries and a video of the bike in action.

Continue Reading " Silent But Violent: Fastest Electric Motorcycle "

Jun 11 2010 Cute: Stationary That Looks Like Email Icons

Stationary that looks like email icons: I swear, what will they think of next? And don't say, "stationary that looks like Microsoft Office icons" or I'll probably shit myself and die. Designed by Brigada Creativa, this collection of stationary is sure to confuse any recipient to the point where they aren't sure if they're actually using a computer or not. Especially old people. Their brains are all mush. I SAID SIGN OVER THE DEED, GRANDPA!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the old fashioned letter-writin' supplies.

Continue Reading " Cute: Stationary That Looks Like Email Icons "

Jun 11 2010 The Best Things Have Already Been Invented

Hang up your thinking caps, inventors, because you'll never top bacon pancakes and they were invented decades ago. Possibly by Aunt Jemima herself, who may or may not be related to George Washington Carver. Get it? Because they were both black ahead of their time. F*** I love some peanut butter.

Bacon Pancakes! [joeydevilla]

Thanks to Masato, who invented sausage pancakes but Jimmy Dean bought the patent and buried it.

Jun 11 2010 From E3: New Mortal Kombat Game Trailer

Note: Trailer is after the jump because there should never be a video featuring a guy about to get his nuts sawed in half on the front page. Wait, that's not true.

Hot on the heels of the 'WTF was that?' Mortal Kombat movie trailer or whatever the hell it was comes this preview of the new game, fresh off the press for E3. It looks okay. Don't get me wrong, I'm gonna play it, but I'll probably still beat my opponent in the head with a controller if they beat me. What can I say, I'm a poor loser. Also, a poor winner. Thing is, I'm a poor person. Bet you can't hit me with a coin!

Hit it for the FINISH HIM!

Continue Reading " From E3: New Mortal Kombat Game Trailer "

Jun 11 2010 Guy Builds Fully Functional LEGO Sniper Rifle

Note: Video is after the jump because I couldn't live with myself if anybody accidentally put an eye out on the front page.

Jack Streat went and built himself a fully functional Lee Enfield sniper rifle out of LEGO Technics. And by 'fully functional' I mean the thing can accurately shoot LEGO blocks up to a couple feet. It's definitely not gonna make a terrorist's head explode or anything. Now I'm not saying you could do more damage with a Lincoln Log catapult, but I have eaten a couple LEGO bullets before with little to no damage (they passed just like corn except with a *tink* when they hit the bottom of the bowl).

Hit it for a video demonstration of the plastic pews.

Continue Reading " Guy Builds Fully Functional LEGO Sniper Rifle "

Jun 11 2010 Girlfriend Deletes Boyfriend's Favorite World Of Warcraft Character, Boyfriend Goes Nuts

Note: Video is after the jump because guy beats the shit out of his computer and I don't want your computer to get scared and think you're gonna do the same.

This is a video of some girl deleting her boyfriend's favorite World of Warcraft avatar and then secretly filming his reaction, which just so happens to be, "punch the monitor, then stomp on it". I have no idea if it's real or not, but dude does wail on his monitor pretty good so I'm guessing there's a double homicide waiting to be discovered.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Girlfriend Deletes Boyfriend's Favorite World Of Warcraft Character, Boyfriend Goes Nuts "

Jun 11 2010 Alienskin Rug: 'Out Of This World' Lovemakin'

Sorry for the late start today folks, the internet was booboo when I woke up and instead of going to Starbucks I decided to yell at pedestrians from my balcony. Seems to have done the trick!

Ever made love on the back of a dead alien before? I have. Ripley never had it so good. And now you too can spice up your love life with an alienskin rug from Ukranian leather-fethisher Bob Basset (best known for his bitchin' dragon backpack). Did I mention it glows in the dark? That's to set the mood. Plus so you can see what goes where when you're with a lady. Because there's nothing awkwarder than making love on an alienskin rug only to discover you're making love to an alienskin rug. Trust me. I had to marry it.

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots including its glowing capabilities.

Continue Reading " Alienskin Rug: 'Out Of This World' Lovemakin' "

Jun 10 2010 Suck It, Mr. Bond!: The Bush Spymobile

Oh God, the GW has gone and waded past the buoys marking the shallow end and is posting pictures of bushes again -- and not the good kind. Oh ye of little faith, you know I wouldn't do that to you (yes, yes I 100% would and not feel bad about it either). You see, that ain't no ordinary bush -- this is Justin Shull's Terrestrial Shrub Rover. It's a little electric vehicle disguised as greenery! That way you can spy on bees pollinating flowers at the park without them even knowing. Oooooor spy on women in bikinis with everybody knowing. Evergreens with binoculars don't belong at the beach!

Hit the jump for a video, which includes some shots of the cockpit.

Continue Reading " Suck It, Mr. Bond!: The Bush Spymobile "

Jun 10 2010 Yikes!: Glass Cactus Chair Makes Butts Cry

Has your ass been acting up? Maybe you should consider punishing it with a little timeout in the Cactus Chair. You know, really make it sweat for a bit. Per designer Deger Cengiz:

Cactus Chair is an experimentation to investigate the effect of visual data to the user's experience. The existence of the Barrel Cactus gives a temporary discomfort, even though the user knows that the cactus behind the glass is not a real threat.

The chairs are real and available for $3,000 if you're not comfortable making your own out of an old aquarium. Unfortunately, I'm gonna pass. You see, I actually enjoy sitting on cacti. It's like having 10,000 lovers at once.

Hit the jump for a side-shot.

Continue Reading " Yikes!: Glass Cactus Chair Makes Butts Cry "

Jun 10 2010 Boy Saves Himself And Lil Sister From Moose With Tactics Learned From World Of Warcraft

I don't know why this story is just now making its way around the internet since I remember reading it back in '07 when it came out and forgetting to post it because I drink too much, but whatever. We all have our demons. Mine's booze. Little Hans Jørgen Olsen? His happened to be a pedophilic moose.

According to NextNature, the Olsen siblings "trespassed the territory of the moose during a walk in the forest near their home." When the moose attacked, Hans used the Warrior ability Taunt, i.e. he taunted the moose, thereby allowing his sister to escape. Stage 1 complete.

Next he had to save himself. There's an ability for that - the Hunter skill Feign Death. Hans lay still on the ground. The moose, exhibiting typical low-level monster behavior, left the boy alone and wandered off.

Well well well, playing World of Warcraft pays off after all. Not that you need WoW to defeat a moose. No, everything you need to know to put a moose down you can learn from God of War. Namely, freezing that bitch with Medusa's head and beating it till it shatters.

12-year old boy rescues sister from moose using world of warcraft skills: our best headline yet [technabob]

Thanks to COMFORT EAGLE, Zach, Eliza, Sally, Scotty, liquid Tension, TiStew, junkyard dog, Blaqk Panda, Ptentacle, and Ste, who would have beaten the beast with its own antlers.

Jun 10 2010 Zombie + Stormtrooper = Deathtrooper?

Want a 1/6 scale Deathtrooper bust? Me neither. But I would take a 1/6 scale zombie Leia bust, I don't care if her boobs are rotting off or not. Kidding, that's disgusting. But not disgusting enough to not sleep with at night!

Nothing can prepare the galaxy for what lies waiting aboard a seemingly abandoned, derelict Star Destroyer. Amidst its vast creaking emptiness the unknown is lurking and the dead are slowly rising: soulless, unstoppable, and unspeakably hungry.

This elite Stormtrooper is infected with more than just the dark side. At 6.5 inches this remarkably horrifying 1/6th scale mini-bust is crafted in heavy, high quality polystone, featuring detachable armour plates revealing the morbid decay of the Imperial walking dead.

I didn't actually read any of that. Pre-order now for ~$95 and your undead trooper will ship mid-November. By which point you'll have forgotten you ever ordered it in the first place, and kick yourself for thinking it was a good idea. Then me kicking you because you made it look so fun.

Product Site

Thanks to St Cup o' Water, second in command only to St Cup o' Noodle.

Jun 10 2010 Iffy: This 'New And Improved' Traffic Light

This is a new traffic light designed by Ji-youn Kim, Soon-young Yang & Hwan-ju Jeon with the colorblind in mind. That's thoughtful of you!

Color blindness, more common in men than women, takes many different forms and is present in a good 10%-15% of the population. With that in mind, you don't have to be able to see the usual red-yellow-green to know whether to stop, yield or go. Now, the redesigned red light will also show up as a triangle, the yield sign is still yellow and green for go will look like a square.

Listen: I'm all for replacing old traffic lights if it means I can get a couple to hang up in my rumpus room, but do you really think a triangle's gonna make that much of a difference to the colorblind? Haven't they already learned the light at the top is stop and the one in the middle is speed the f*** up then kiss your fingers and slap the roof?

Hit the jump for a comparison of the proposed new vs. old.

Continue Reading " Iffy: This 'New And Improved' Traffic Light "

Jun 10 2010 Freebies!: $25 Million Superyacht Will Come With Complimentary Matching Supercar

Got a cool $25 million to throw around? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE CONTACT ME ABOUT AN IMPORTANT BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY. Or go squander it all on a Strand Craft 122 superyacht with matching supercar, I don't care (yes I do too, I want that money).

Beating the Bugatti Veyron hands down for exclusivity, the supercar has 880bhp from its twin-turbo V12 engine and a claimed top speed of 234mph. Only six will be built, each capable of hitting 60mph from rest in 3.2 seconds.

But what about the design, yo?!

Designer, Sweden-based 33-year-old Eduard Gray, told CNN that he took inspiration from the lines and curves of sports car, the Ferrari Testa Rossa.

"We have really tried to achieve a strong harmony in our design -- so that the car looks like it was literally born inside the hull of the yacht," he said.

But ultimately, he said, he wanted to design "something you want to be seen in -- the sexiest damn boat in the harbor!"

Sorry Eduard, but I think we can all agree the sexiest damn boat in the harbor is my dinghy. Just sayin: seats one comfortably, comes half-mast. Ooh -- did I mention the pirate flag? There's a pirate flag. Plus a compass.

Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures of the yacht you'll never own (unless you really are rich in which case I wasn't joking about the HJ).

Continue Reading " Freebies!: $25 Million Superyacht Will Come With Complimentary Matching Supercar "

Jun 10 2010 Google Maps Spots Australian USB Farm

This is an Australian wind farm that, when viewed from above, looks suspiciously like a bunch of USB cables. What's up with that?! Now I'm not saying this proves my conspiracy theory about the Australian government being infiltrated by aliens so they can use the continent as a docking station for their USB-powered space ships, but I think the photo speaks for itself. And -- not to brag or anything, but I DO live in a giant Monster brand HDMI connector. Suck it, peasants!

Google Maps
and
Giant USB Spaghetti Cable Monster Invades Australia [gizmodo]

Thanks to GuamOtoko and Blaqk Panda, who both live in giant 3½ inch floppy drives.

Jun 10 2010 Another Day, Another Stop Motion Mario Video Made With A Bunch Of Post-Its (+ Free Time)

Note: Video's after the jump because Mario's a little shy after putting on a couple extra pounds.

This is a stop-motion video of a Post-It note Mario running around a school. Or maybe it's a hospital. Either way, it's somewhere I don't want to be. Like work. F*** I hate this place. Seriously, I've been staring out the window all morning fantasizing about would be like to hug the parking lot from up here.

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Stop Motion Mario Video Made With A Bunch Of Post-Its (+ Free Time) "

Jun 10 2010 Air Methuselahs: The World's Oldest Shoes

How old do you think the world's oldest shoe is? Just take a guess. Wrong! Try 5,500 years. And allegedly this is it. Ooooor a man holding a bear turd.

Created more than 5,500 years ago at the dawn of civilisation this perfectly preserved brown leather lace-up is the oldest shoe in the world.

It was created from a piece of cow hide 1,000 years before the Great Pyramid of Giza and stitched together with leather thread.

The size 4 shoe - discovered buried in a cave in Armenia - is so well preserved that its lace is still intact.

Archaeologists say it probably belonged to a woman who deliberately buried it in the cave during a mysterious ritual. The cave also contained three pots, each containing a child's skull, along with containers of barley, wheat and apricot.

Ah yes, the old burying a shoe with a bunch of children's skulls ritual. They used to do that to ward off sabertooth tiger attacks. Or was it to appease the volcano god? I can't remember. Whatever the case: women and their shoes, amirite?! I'm totally making a documentary: 5,500 Years of Obsession. It's gonna be about me banging mastadons.

Hit the jump for a couple closeups.

Continue Reading " Air Methuselahs: The World's Oldest Shoes "

Jun 9 2010 What If: Popular Websites Were Drugs?

Geekologie would be that crack rock, son. GET. IN. MUH. BRAIN.

Internet Vices [patrickmoberg] (with several others)
via
The Internet, Conveniently Defined Through Drugs and Alcohol [gizmodo]

Thanks to Erik, who thinks Geekologie would be more like heroin but without the withdrawal. WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO WITHDRAWAL? You're dead to me, junkie.

Jun 9 2010 Grandma?: Woman Calls Tech Support Over Google's Pac-Man Game On The Homepage

Note: Video (actually just audio) is after the jump because we respect our elders here on the front page.

This is an audio recording of somebody's grandma calling tech support asking how to remove the playable Pac-Man demo that Google put on its homepage for a day celebrating the game's 30th anniversary (which you can still play HERE). I love old people, but the call's actually pretty funny. And by funny I mean sad. Really f***ing sad.

Hit it for six minutes of feeling bad for an old lady (plus tech rep).

Continue Reading " Grandma?: Woman Calls Tech Support Over Google's Pac-Man Game On The Homepage "

Jun 9 2010 Advertising Fail: Oh Like Hell I Didn't!

A half-naked woman? Wait, where?! Is it like one of those Magic Eye things?

Picture

Thanks to FAH-Q, who obviously has something against you.

Jun 9 2010 Meat Machine: Butcher Installs Meat Vending Machine For 24-Hour Sausage Service

How many times have you left the bar at the end of the night and wanted nothing more than a big ol' piece of meat in your mouth? Twenty? Forty? A hundred? I'm not gonna lie, you sound promiscuous. But now a butcher in Spain has stocked a sausage-packed vending machine outside the store for all your meaty late-night needs.

With three stores in Northern Spain, Izarzugaza has been operating for four generations in more or less the traditional way. Not long ago the store began selling online, however, and delivering to customers as far-flung as Segovia and Madrid. Even more interesting, though, is that it has installed a vending machine outside its Mundaka shop that sells a variety of meats, sausages, sandwiches and other goods around the clock. Products sold within the machine vary with the season, so that summer offerings might include pasta salads while the emphasis is more on meatballs and sausages in the wintertime.

Ha, this reminds me of the time I got my meat stuck in a vending machine trying to get a bag of Doritos to drop. I ended up getting caught on one of the spirals that holds all the candy bars. I had to buy 14 Snickers to free myself. That's right, 14.

Butcher shop installs vending machine for service 24/7 [springwise]

Thanks to ChickenNoodo and nathan, who buy $0.29 washers from the hardware store and use them as quarters in vending machines. *facepalm*

Jun 9 2010 I'm Gonna Be An Astronaut!: NASA Will Take Your Face To Space On Last Shuttle Missions

You wanted to be an astronaut growing up, didn't you? Your parents shot down your dreams, didn't they? Well stop blaming them, you never would have passed the physical fitness test anyway. But now NASA will fly your face to outerspace on one of the last two shuttle missions. Wheeeeeeeeee!!

NASA wants to put a picture of you on one of the two remaining space shuttle missions and launch it into orbit. To launch your face into space and become a part of history, just follow these steps:

First...Select the Participate button at the bottom of this page and upload your image/name, which will be flown aboard the space shuttle. Don't have a picture to upload? No problem, just skip the image upload and we will fly your name only on your selected mission!

Next...Print and save the confirmation page with your flight information.

Later...Return to this site after the landing to print your Flight Certificate - a commemorative certificate signed by the Mission Commander.

OMG we'll all be astronauts! Say, you think we'll get some of that chalky space ice cream? Cause you know I'm gonna rub it all over my nipples if we do! *crunch crunch crunch* I feel so sexy right now.

Official 'Face In Space' NASA Site
and
NASA offers to put your face on the space shuttle... sort of [dvice]

Thanks to ConfessionsOfAManwhore, Ksurfiws and Melissa, who are all sending pictures of people they don't like just to spite them. Great, now I have to ride with a bunch of assholes?

Jun 9 2010 We Live Here, I Guess We Might As Well Know Something About It: Earth, From Top To Bottom

Note: This is only a tiny portion of the graphic, you have to hit the jump to see the whole, incredibly long thing. Reminds me of myself.

This is a graphic depicting the earth from the highest mountains to the lowest ocean trenches. The middle is filled with fun facts like, "the height of Mount Everest", "the scuba diving record", and, "if the GW dunked his penis in the ocean it would probably hit a submarine". Don't believe me? Two words: Red. October. Just sayin: hunt's over, I sunk it.

Hit the jump for the whole graphic and get your learn on.

Continue Reading " We Live Here, I Guess We Might As Well Know Something About It: Earth, From Top To Bottom "

Jun 9 2010 Uh-Oh: Autonomous Drone Bots Can Assemble Themselves Into A Hovering Death Copter

Note: Video is after the jump because even I peed a little and I'm exposed this this sort of thing everyday.

Autonomous drones that can assemble themselves into a flying mothership. Crap. Seriously -- I think something just squeaked by but I'm afraid to look.

For those of you counting down to the robot uprising, you may be interested in the latest news from engineers at the Federal Institute of Technology in Zurich. They've created autonomous robots that randomly dock with each other on the ground and then rise into the air- no human intervention required.

The little hexagonal modules that make up the flying drone are completely self-sufficient. In the context of a robot army, that means the airborne robot could be indestructible. Because the magnetically connected 'bots easily break away from each other, they could blow apart under attack, and then reassemble themselves on the ground, good as new.

"...Indestructible airborne robots". I don't like the sound of that. But do you know what I DO like the sound of? My own name. That shit sounds like like a choir of angels singing Johnny Cash's greatest hits. F***ing Epic.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Uh-Oh: Autonomous Drone Bots Can Assemble Themselves Into A Hovering Death Copter "

Jun 9 2010 I'm On To You, Phillip Morris!: LEGO Smokes

In big tobacco's attempt to appeal to our (well, your) children without the use of a hip, anthropomorphic camel with a shlong the size of a fire hose, here's some LEGO cigarettes. Impressive, but could you imagine actually smoking those? I can, but only because I used to huff Lincoln Logs. AND snort pogs. *SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFF* Oh f*** this slammer's a doozy. Kidding, kidding! Look -- they're just panties.

David Haliski's Flickr
via
You know, for kids (!?!) [thelivingbrick]

Thanks to Blaqk Panda, who's smoked crack K'nex before.

Jun 9 2010 Girl You Lookin' Good!: Hello Kitty Dress Up

Ever wonder what Hello Kitty would look like as a Star Wars character? Me neither, but now we know (thanks to illustrator Joseph Senior) without even having to waste any time wondering beforehand. I swear, the world works in mysterious ways sometimes. I'm talking plate tectonics. F***in' volcanoes yo! Satan's pimples.

Hit the jump for two more sheets of characters including some Star Trek and superhero action.

Continue Reading " Girl You Lookin' Good!: Hello Kitty Dress Up "

Jun 9 2010 Will It Melt?: The Apple iPad (SPOILER: Yes)

Note: Video is after the jump because I can't stand the sound of fanboys crying on the front page.

This is a video somebody made of a bunch of blowtorches melting an iPad. There were some words that popped up it was playing talking about Apple's environmental practices, but I didn't read them because videos weren't made to be read. You hear that, foreign films? Take a hint, God!

Hit it for the panty-liner melting madness.

Continue Reading " Will It Melt?: The Apple iPad (SPOILER: Yes) "

Jun 8 2010 DO WANT: Street Hawk Urban Assault Vehicle

Seen here demonstrating how Power Wheels are made, this is the The Shadow Hawk Street Hawk: coming soon to my driveway elevator garage. Okay maybe not. But only because I could never part with the Tercel.

The Street Hawk is the first vehicle with 46 inches of independent wheel travel without camber or caster compromise. The ride height or ground clearance is adjustable from zero to 44 inches while in motion. The Street Hawk has 1,100 horsepower, 1,805 foot pounds of torque and has a highway estimated 22mpg. The vehicle is all-wheel-drive with 40 inch tall, 15.5 inch wide tires and 22 inch wheels. The air suspended seats are hand crafter to the driver's specific proportions. From the driver's seat you can control the vehicles pitch, roll and overall ride height using D-pad controls beneath your fingertips.

The Street Hawk is the best on-road performing Shadow Hawk. With an overall weight of 4,800 pounds, the Street Hawk can accelerate from 0 to 60mph in 3.5 seconds and has a calculated top speed of 208mph. The vehicle uses an innovative active suspension system that leans into corners and maintains the ideal camber and caster geometry throughout operation.

Production is set at 12 units per year with the first vehicle available in late 2011.

I want one. No, I NEED one. And they start at only $1.2 million. I'm gonna buy all of next year's production! In my dreams. And speaking of my dreams: I had one last night where I was making out with a werewolf (I blame Twilight). So yeah, what's that mean? And, completely unrelated, any idea why my dog's been hiding under the bed all day? Must be sick.

Hit the jump for a bunch more pictures.

Continue Reading " DO WANT: Street Hawk Urban Assault Vehicle "

Jun 8 2010 It's A Bird...It's A Plane...It's Superm-- Wait, Who The F*** Are You Supposed To Be Exactly?

This is a really crappy superhero (read: superfailro) action figure picked up at some toy show. He's a combination of at least four popular crime-fighters. Basically he's got Spiderman's body, painted like Superman's, but with Batman's cape (dyed red), Iron Man's arc-reactor (also red) and a face only a mother could love. Wow, what can't this guy do? I mean, besides keep all his secret identities straight. You're gonna have every supervillain in the world knocking at your door, SuperDissociativeIdentityDisorderMan!

Super-Spider-Man [weirdotoys]
via
Ugly Superman Spider-Man Hybrid Toy [jazjaz]

Jun 8 2010 UPDATED: What The Hell Did I Just Watch: Mortal Kombat: Rebirth

Note: Video is after the jump for fear of accidentally FATALITY-ING your ass all over the front page.

This is a video making its way around the interwebs that appears to be an 8-minute trailer for an upcoming Mortal Kombat movie. Oooooor it may be some viral marketing for a new Mortal Kombat game. Which is it? I have no idea. It is incredibly well made though. Plus Reptile eats people's heads. Sick! Kidding, it's not any worse than a dog licking it's own a-hole. *ahem* CHLOE! Gimme kissies.

UPDATE: Looks like it's actually a movie. Well, a PITCH for a movie. Per Jeri Ryan (of Star Trek Voyager fame), who played Sonja Blade:

It's not a game trailer. Actually was made for the director to sell WB on his vision for a reimagined MK film. I did it as a favor to a friend. No idea yet what WB's reaction to it was. And I'm not sure how you can contact WB...to push them to make it.

Eight minutes of worthwhile billable time awaits you after the jump. FINISH IT!

Continue Reading " UPDATED: What The Hell Did I Just Watch: Mortal Kombat: Rebirth "

Jun 8 2010 We Can't Rely On Luigi Alone!: BP Killed Mario

it's official: Mario is dead and it's all BP's fault. Somebody call Bowser and tell him he can keep the Princess, nobody's coming for her. There, there, Toad, it'll all be okay. No, no it won't either. Which is exactly why I don't feel bad doing this *takes a bite out of Toad's head* Whee, everything looks like Rainbow Road!

Hit the jump for a dead Spongebob, video game characters chipping in to help with the cleanup, and the ironic BP picture of the day.

Continue Reading " We Can't Rely On Luigi Alone!: BP Killed Mario "

Jun 8 2010 Get Him, Turtles!: Sweet-Ass Krang Hoodie

Wanna look like this guy? No, nobody wants that. But I would rock his hoodie!

Note that when you put your hands inside the front pocket you connect Krang's tentacles to his body.

This Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume hoodie features the supervillain from Dimension X, Krang. The design is placed on the belly of the zip-up hoodie giving the appearance that you are being controlled by the brain like blob.

Oh man, what guy isn't controlled by a brain-like blob, amirite? Gonads! I'm serious, you two should split before my laptop exhaust sets you on fire.

Hit the jump for several closeups and a link to the 80's Tees product site.

Continue Reading " Get Him, Turtles!: Sweet-Ass Krang Hoodie "

Jun 8 2010 Symphony Of Science: The Case For Mars

Note: Music video is after the jump because the beat's so fresh it oughta be illegal.

This is the sixth installment in the autotuned Symphony of Science series. It's all about why humans should further explore Mars and is appropriately titled, 'The Case For Mars'. Sadly, based on the current lack of interest in outerspace as a whole, I'm gonna go ahead and speculate the case isn't going so hot. Maybe we should consider hiring a lawyer instead of just going with the public defender. I mean, he did show up for court with nothing but a briefcase full of comic books. What's that? You're right, you're right -- we should give him some more time.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Symphony Of Science: The Case For Mars "

Jun 8 2010 Goonies Never Say Die: Happy 25th Birthday!

Today, June 7th, marks the 25th birthday/anniversary of The Goonies' release in US theaters. That was 1985. I was four and still couldn't walk. But damn could I fill some Pampers! I'm talking shit oozing out the waistband.

Twenty-five years ago, six kids (aided by one superpowered Italian-American mutant) went on an adventure to save their homes. We were much smaller then, and the world was much, much bigger. It was a time marked by the Cold War, AIDS, voodoo economics and, of course, our childhood. It was an intoxicating mix of boundless opportunity and abject terror, and it was ours.

For good or ill, The Goonies is a celluloid time capsule, a two-hour tribute to the children of a bygone era. But kids are still kids and the world is still a beautiful, dangerous place full of mystery and wonder and the occasional pirate ship. This is exactly the reason it persists in the hearts and minds of misfits of that age, and why it will continue to enamor future generations despite its dated mindset and atrocious sense of fashion.

The Goonies was, and will continue to be, pure awesome. And not just because it made a whole generation want to befriend a giant, mentally challenged Conehead, but HEY YOOOU GUUUYS!!

Hit the jump for two of my favorite quotes from the movie (both Chunk), the deleted Octopus scene, a recent cast reunion and an interview with Chunk and Mr Perkins.

Continue Reading " Goonies Never Say Die: Happy 25th Birthday! "

Jun 8 2010 Tokyoflash's Latest: Kisai 'Changing Lanes'

This is Tokyoflash's latest design, the $170 Kisai 'Changing Lanes'. It looks good. What doesn't is the dent in my fender BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T USE YOUR F***ING BLINKER.

Hours are displayed on the left side of the interface, starting with 1:00 at the top, traveling down to 6:00 at the bottom. Change lanes and hours 7:00 to 12:00 travel from bottom to top.

Minutes are displayed on the right side of the interface in 3 minute intervals, from 3 at the top to 27 at the bottom and traveling back up to 57 minutes at the top. 15 and 45 minutes are centrally located as reference points - ideal for checking the approximate time. Two single minutes light up separately for precise timing.

I'm lost. Thankfully there's a graphic after the jump visually explaining how to read the thing. Granted it still didn't do me any good. I guess I'm just not a very visual person. Unless we're talking boobs -- I can stare at those all day. Even on guys. Just sayin: waste not, want not.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots including the one explaining how to read it.

Continue Reading " Tokyoflash's Latest: Kisai 'Changing Lanes' "

Jun 8 2010 For The Ladies: Comic Inspired Headbands

Etsy seller janinebasil is selling these comic book fight inspired headbands. They cost $22 unless you want a Bedazzled one, those are $120. POW! BAM! BOOM!

This headband is lightweight but sturdy. It is made from polyester felt which has been machine embroidered with a design made and digitized by me. I use a rayon thread which has a beautiful satin like sheen. Elastic is then attached and then it's lined with another layer of felt.

Nice, now how about a men's line? I'm thinking a little 'PEW PEW!' action. It doesn't have to be a hairband though -- just something I can safety-pin to the front of my pants. Is that a laser blaster in my pocket or am I just trigger-happy to see you? Both. *PEW PEW!* Okay I just vaporized my foot.

Hit the jump for a ton more color options, plus the Bedazzled ones in case you really need to up the flair ante.

Continue Reading " For The Ladies: Comic Inspired Headbands "

Jun 7 2010 Oh Hai New iPhone. Say, You Look Familiar...

The iPhone 4. It's coming June 24. You can pre-order starting the 15th. Or not care starting anytime you want. The new features:

• Two cameras, one back facing 5MP with LED flash, one forward facing VGA, plus "FaceTime" video chatting (but only from iPhone 4 to iPhone 4 over Wi-Fi).
• Double the display resolution, now 960 x 640 (from 480 x 320)
• 720p video recording
• Powered by Apple's A4 processor
• Adds 3-axis gyroscope to motion controls
• More squarer
• Less roundy

There you have it. The 16GB starts at $200 for qualified AT&T servants and the 32GB for $300. Cute girl at the Apple store's number not included, although I'll get it for a price. Of course you're gonna have to wear a GW mask on all your dates. Plus if you end up getting married and having children I'll actually legally own them. Think about it.

Apple Product Site

Thanks to everyone who sent this in, I knew something was supposed to happen today (I mistakenly guessed it was trash day and took the bin out the curb).

Jun 7 2010 Looks Distracting: The Busty Arcade Controller

They just installed these at my local arcade, they're really great. One minute I'm kickin' ass at Street Fighter, the next my character isn't moving, I'm drooling, and my boner's spelunking for quarters in the change return.

Closest He Is Getting To The Real Thing [thereifixedit]

Thanks to Bill, who's inspired me to make a male version (I'm gonna paint my wiener red and lay real still).

Jun 7 2010 Wait For Me!: UFO Spotted Above Australia

This is a picture of a UFO spotted above Australia over the weekend. No word on if it actually contained aliens, but that's because the only people who saw it aren't talking and their butts hurt.

Some described it as a "lollipop-type swirl". Others say it hovered for a while before gradually moving in an eastern direction until it was out of sight. Those who saw the object say photos do not reflect how large it actually was.

Geoffrey Whyatt from the Sydney Observatory says it was probably a satellite, space junk or a rocket.

"The fact that you've got the rotation, the spiral effect, is very reminiscent of the much widely reported sightings from Norway and Russia last year, which both turned out to be a Bulava missile which was being adjusted in its orbit," he said.

"So possibly a rocket, I would say, having some sort of gyroscopic stability rocket fired on its side."

Gyroscopic stablity rocket? Suuuuuure, Geoffrey. OR SHOULD I SAY *ripping off mask* ZUZUGOOGLEPLEX?! Whoa, who knew aliens had human skulls? Science fact!

Hit the jump for a couple more shots that make me wish I'd jumped on the last comet.

Continue Reading " Wait For Me!: UFO Spotted Above Australia "

Jun 7 2010 Bad Things: What Happens When You Upload A Video To Youtube, Download It, And Reupload That Version A THOUSAND TIMES

Note: Video is after the jump because the quality is so bad that it could actually make you sick.

Musician and Youtube user Patrick Liddell uploaded a video of himself to Youtube, downloaded it, and uploaded the new version. Then he repeated the process 999 more times. The result is a video so degraded from the original that I could have sworn it was a cartoon of the devil telling me to stab my neighbor (somebody call an amberlamps).

Hit the jump for the 1st, 50th, 119th, 325th, 825th and 1,000th versions of the video (turn down your speakers, the audio gets painful).

Continue Reading " Bad Things: What Happens When You Upload A Video To Youtube, Download It, And Reupload That Version A THOUSAND TIMES "

Jun 7 2010 Say Charizard!: A Pokémon Monster Portrait

Note: This version is so small you can't even find Waldo. Click HERE to see the thing in full-resolution.

This is a family portrait of all the Pokemon monsters. I know they're all there because I took the time to count every single one. If you don't believe me you can take it up with my fists. But just a warning: they're always super effective. Kidding, last time I got in a fistfight I managed to punch myself in the marbles and white-out. By the time I came to I was getting kicked in the head. I yelled mercy. They only kicked harder.

Fresh-Ass Fanart: Pokemon Group Photo! [albotas]

Jun 7 2010 Turns Out Darth Vader Was Just Mentally Ill

Seen here cupping his imaginary friend's balls, a recent study indicates that Darth Vader might have actually suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I know, I'm shocked too. But not by Emperor Palpetine -- I ain't going out like that, Wrinkles!

[Anakin] Skywalker hit six out of the nine borderline personality disorder criteria as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition (DSM-IV). He only needed to meet five criteria to qualify as suffering from the disorder.

Skywalker's case of borderline personality disorder has proven useful for both Bui and Rachel Rodgers, a researcher at the Center for Studies and Research in Applied Psychology in France. They have used the "Star Wars" example to teach their students for the past few years, and noted that such a famous fictional example could spread awareness.

The researchers also suggested that the success of the "Star Wars" prequel films might partially rely upon how teens can relate to the troubled Anakin Skywalker. Only adults can be diagnosed with to borderline personality disorder under the current DSM-IV guidelines, but Bui and Rodgers pointed to several studies that suggest the disorder is fairly frequent among teens.

..."the success of the "Star Wars" prequel films might partially rely upon how teens can relate to the troubled Anakin Skywalker"? Really? I thought it was because the movie WAS CALLED F***ING STAR WARS and there were aliens and laser sword fights and shit. I mean, but I could be wrong (I'm 120% right and you know it).

The Psychology of Darth Vader Revealed [livescience] (with a bunch more detail about Darth's sickness)

Thanks to Wes and Alie, who had assumed it was just some sort of twisted Napoleon complex.

Jun 7 2010 Iron Can: R2-D2 Moonlighting As Superhero

I thought he looked familiar! This is a picture of R2-D2 as Iron Man by digital artist Mike Verta. I'm not even gonna lie, he looks cute as a button. Also, you see that little plug on the lower right side of his torso? Dharma Initiative. This goes deeper than I thought.

Mike's pics as downloadable wallpapers [facebook]
via
r2-im: iron mech [technabob]

Jun 7 2010 Goodbye Productivity: Remake Of Zelda II: The Adventure Of Link As A First Person Shooter

Some guy (Michael Johnston -- not the track star) went and remade Zelda II: The Adventures of Link as a 3-D first person shooter THAT YOU CAN PLAY ONLINE. Boy I bet our bosses are happy today!

This game was incredibly fun to make. I am a fan of the original NES game and love its innovations and clever game design. But as we all know, Zelda games are long and complex. When starting this project I had to choose very carefully what I had time to accomplish if this game was ever to see the light of day. As a result I decided to remake the beginning of the game up to the end of the first boss. This seemed simple enough, but I knew it would be a challenge. This is the result of my learning programming for the first time and a labor of love making this game in 3D.

So yeah, you only get to play till right after the first boss. But did that stop me from whipping Horseface's ass three times in a row? It did not. It was my boss pulling the plug on my computer and firing me (anybody hiring underwear models?).

Worthwhile video demo after the jump, along with a link to the play-site (requires Unity web player plug-in).

Continue Reading " Goodbye Productivity: Remake Of Zelda II: The Adventure Of Link As A First Person Shooter "

Jun 7 2010 I'm Adding It To My Christmas List: Navy Laser Blaster Shoots Down Robotic Planes

At first I was gonna ask for all the original He-Man action figures, but now all I want is an anti-robot laser. Suck it, two front teeth! (You should have watched where that mule was kicking anyways)

If you own an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV), here's piece of advice: don't fly it near San Nicholas Island, California, or it could be blasted out of the sky - by a laser. Two such vehicles were successfully shot down there on May 24th by a US Navy laser weapon. According to the official press release, this marks "the first detect-thru-engage laser shoot-down of a threat representative target in an over-the-water, combat representative scenario."

Members of the Naval Sea Systems Command (NAVSEA) utilized a laser shot through a beam director on a KINETO tracking mount, controlled by a MK 15 Phalanx Close In Weapon System (CIWS). The Navy's Laser Weapon System (LaWS) has already shot down UAVs in other scenarios, bringing the total number of downed flying robots to seven.

Seven huh? We're have to at least triple that number if we plan on winning any robot apocalypse. I figure I'm good for five myself. And I'm gonna go ahead put you down for two although I suspect you may only get one before succumbing to your wounds (I'm just being honest).

Navy ray gun shoots down robotic targets [gizmag]

Thanks to Ian, Jason and Ryan, who I'm marking down for three kills each because they all have enough sense to keep up on the latest in anti-robot technology. Good lookin', guys.

Jun 6 2010 Peoples' World Of Warcraft Avatars In Real Life

Note: Video is after the jump because the background music is kinda depressing and I didn't want to bring everybody down on the main page.

This is a video documenting the lives of four World of Warcraft players as portrayed by their avatars as the go about their day-to-day activities. It's really artfully done. Not unlike the nude shots I just had taken. Kidding, those were pure smut.

This is short film directed by Gavin Kelly we worked on a while ago called "Avatar Days". What makes this one special is the fact that it was filmed, vfx'ed and comped all in just 4 days. It was made as part of the "4 day Film" catagory in the Darklight Film Festival.

It follows 4 MMORPG players taking about their online persona's. As they tell their stories we see them go about their everyday lives against the mundane backdrop of city life...but as their Avatars.

Cool, now they just need to make a movie about me and my avatar. Just sayin', you ever seen a Link lookalike stare at a computer 14 hours a day? SUMMER. F***ING. BLOCKBUSTER.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Peoples' World Of Warcraft Avatars In Real Life "

Jun 6 2010 I Don't Get It, I Really Don't: iPhone Ballz

Damn, how sexy is that?! If you answered, "wow, not one bit, I think I even vomited a little", congratulations, you might still have some taste and decency after all. I always thought iPhones were feminine anyways with their smooth lines and all. No, the last phone made with any REAL balls was my old Pronto pager. That thing was a hoss! Besides, what happens if you accidentally lick your iPhone's balls when you're making a call? You look super gay.

Well ... this just disturbs the piss out of me. [hothotjapanhot]
via
iPhone balls? [buzzfeed]

Jun 6 2010 Please Don't Rob Me: Burglary Kits For Sale

Always wanted to pull off a heist but wasn't sure what kind of equipment you'd need? Well fear not, somebody's soon-to-be-prison-girlfriend, now there are burglary kits for sale. Too bad I'm gonna steal one. Irony! For $200 you get everything seen here, marked up at least 200%. Just sayin', you could put together a better kit at Target for $80. Plus walk nonchalantly through the lingerie section. Thrice. But don't even THINK of putting your little burglary kit to use at my place. Because the only piece of equipment you'll need then is a get-well-soon card FOR WHEN I HAND YOUR ASS TO YOU. Just make sure to fill it out ahead of time (I'm gonna tear both your f***ing arms off and beat you with them is the thing).

Product Site
via
A kit for burglars: questionably legal, surprisingly effective [dvice]

Jun 5 2010 Great Fuel Economy, Horrible Everything Else: Full Scale Pedal-Powered Porsche GT3

Sure it may look like a regular Porsche GT3 wearing a tinfoil helmet so aliens can't read its mileage, but it's actually a pedal-powered scale mockup. HOHO! Now I don't know about you, but I'd pedal that sucker around town and holler at all the fly honeys. Things like, "HOLY SHIT LADY, GET OUT OF THE WAY I CAN'T STOP!!" She will be so turned on. It's like taking candy from a baby plowing through the Farmer's Market in a pedal-car.

Hit the jump for a ton more pics, and the link to a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " Great Fuel Economy, Horrible Everything Else: Full Scale Pedal-Powered Porsche GT3 "

Jun 5 2010 You Ran Over My Tricycle!: The Monster Bike

Note: Video is after the jump because that tire is just too damn big for the front page.

Sure we've all heard of monster trucks, but have you ever heard of a monster bike? Oh you have, have you? Well aren't you special! And not the good kind either. Sorry I don't know why I'm so ornery this morning. But if I had to guess I'd say it probably has something to do with SLEEPING IN THE F***ING HALLWAY USING MY WELCOME MAT AS A BLANKET BECAUSE I LOST MY APARTMENT KEY. This is all your fault somehow, I know it. Hell yes I'm plotting revenge! You're gonna be sorry I ever went out drinking last night and had the sense to put my keys in my shoe before I got too drunk and....gotdammit.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " You Ran Over My Tricycle!: The Monster Bike "

Jun 5 2010 Game Over, Man!: Predator/Duck Hunt Mashup

Note: Animated gif is after the jump because, I don't know if you can tell or not, but this one ain't moving.

Haha, what do you mean that's an Aliens quote? WELL MAYBE IF THERE WASN'T AN ALIENS VS. PREDATOR FRANCHISE I WOULDN'T GET SO CONFUSED. Psyche, you know I still would -- because I'm stupid. Like your face. Reverse burn, no return fire! (yelled like punch-buggy, no punch-backs). Hit the jump for the animated gif, or don't if you're good at predicting things and already know what's gonna happen. And if that's the case -- I wanna know how I'm gonna die. *please don't say drowning, please don't say drowning* F***! In my own urine?!

Continue Reading " Game Over, Man!: Predator/Duck Hunt Mashup "

Jun 4 2010 Awesome Adidas Star Wars Commercial

Note: Video is after the jump because that's where the Force is. You should use it. Plus deodorant.

This is another awesome Star Wars-themed Adidas commercial featuring Snoop Dogg, David Beckham, and a bunch of other famous-ass people. Plus there's a funny Greedo scene! And by, "a funny Greedo scene", I mean, "a Greedo scene".

adidas Originals invites you to join David Beckham, Daft Punk, Snoop Dogg, Franz Beckenbauer, Noel Gallagher, Ian Brown, Ciara, Jay Baruchel, DJ Neil Armstrong and some of your dear, old friends for an intergalactic 2010 FIFA World Cup™ viewing party that you'll never forget.

Well, what'd you think? I thought it was pretty cute. Like a basket of newborn kittens, but only after they've opened their eyes. They're super gross till then.

Hit it for the worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " Awesome Adidas Star Wars Commercial "

Jun 4 2010 How To: Properly Preserve Your Little Sister's Stuffed Animal Collection (Trust Me, She'll Love You For It)

My little sister started crying she was so gotdamn happy about it.

Adorable Canning or Childhood Murderous Indications [obviouswinner]

Jun 4 2010 Bogey At 2 O'Clock!: Awesome LEGO Dogfight

Dogfight as in airplane battle, not dogfight as in I'm a peenerless d-bag who likes watching pitbulls bite each other. Which, fun fact: if I'm ever diagnosed with terminal cancer I'm coming for you. Me making you chew on a gun aside, this is an awesome jet-fighter scene created by Flickr user -Mainman-, who -- need a wingman?

For anyone who's interested, the cockpit is somewhere around 1/2 scale (maybe a little smaller) and the F-15E and MiG-29 are 1/100 scale

The flares are a couple of Exoforce fiber optic tubes with Lego light bricks on the far end. They worked out better than I expected - I love the lens flare I got with them. :D

Incidentally, with the exception of the HUD display photoshopped in, there's not a single non-Lego object in this photo

Freaking awesome. Reminds me of when my brother and I would set barstools on their sides and sit in them while pretending we were fighter-jet pilots. No, no it doesn't. Because that was actually a train. Now shovel some more coal in the wastebasket and let's CHOO CHOO our way to a house fire!

-Mainman-'s Flickr Gallery
via
Enemy in sight [brothers-brick]

Thanks to The Bucktooth Ninja, who -- Jesus man I could see you coming a mile away with those things. Get some tooth blackout or something.

Jun 4 2010 Make Love Me A Sandwich, Not War: Flower Grenades Explode With Booms Blooms

F*** I'm getting good at titles.

Wanna blow some shit up? You should seek therapy. I jest, pyrotechnics are a natural part of man's being. Like electronics and trying to put your wiener in everything that isn't nailed down. And some that are. I'm looking at you, birdhouse!

Gardening's gone guerilla - You've seen them, you may have looked away, but you've seen them. Those forgotten areas of the estate, left to fall apart and fall into disrepair. The municipal scrubland where nothing can grow... Or can it? Turn the concrete jungle into a wilderness with our compacted wild flower seed grenades.

$15 nets you one grenade and less than a second of enjoyment. Unless you really love looking at wildflowers in which case TAKE A TIME MACHINE BACK TO THE 60'S YOU DIRTY HIPPIE.

Product Site
via
Grenades with seeds: by far the coolest way to plant flowers [dvice]

Jun 4 2010 Low MPG: The Mentos And Coke Powered Car

Note: Video is after the jump because that Coke gets sticky and I don't want to ruin your blazer (you look great by the way).

This is a video made by the original Mentos and Coke guys featuring a Mentos and Coke powered rocket car. Minus the rockets. And the car. It's more like a tricycle for grownups. Whatever the case, the thing's powered by 108 two-liters of Coke Zero and 648 Mentos (God, tell me you didn't use all strawberries). How far does it go? YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO WATCH TO FIND OUT! Kidding, it goes 221 feet.

Hit the jump for the WHEEEEEEEE!! Whee! Whee?

Continue Reading " Low MPG: The Mentos And Coke Powered Car "

Jun 4 2010 Infographic: Are We Addicted To The Internet?

Note: This is only a tiny portion of the graphic, click HERE to see the whole thing in all it's high-res glory.

Are we addicted to the internet? You know, that's a really good ques-- yes. At least I am. Handsomest addict you ever seen too! Just sayin', I do have all my teeth.

Are We Addicted to the Internet? [flowtown]

Thanks to Aristotle, who can barely go an hour without huffing some delicious interwebs.

Jun 4 2010 Suck It, Times New Roman!: Console Font

Console font is the brainchild of Dutch graphic designer Varun Vachhar. Now I know what you're thinking, and no, those aren't just a bunch of squiggly lines. That's the alphabet. You know, the thing you would have learned in kindergarten if you weren't too busy gluing your head to your shoulder and napping. Granted some of the letters are a bit of a stretch, but God knows it's better than anything I could do. I'm serious, he told me that. TO MY FACE. That was cold, Big G.

Hit the jump for one more shot of the font in poster form.

Continue Reading " Suck It, Times New Roman!: Console Font "

Jun 4 2010 Nice Package: Sushi In Push-Pop Form

Love sushi but wanna eat that shit while you're driving? Steer with your knees. Or buy a $5 Sushi Popper. Mmmm, sounds fresh!

Each Sushi Popper includes eight pieces of precut sushi and a bit of wasabi wrapped inside an airtight tube. After opening the top of the tube, diners can add soy sauce from a small stick affixed to the packaging, and grab their first piece of fish. They reach the next piece by pushing up on the bottom of the tube.

Sushi Poopers are delivered frozen and have to be thawed for an hour or two before consumption. They can be ordered directly online and come in a variety of popular flavors like 'Mystery Fish', 'Improperly Handled Seafood', 'Food Poisoning' and 'Great, Now I Feel Bloated and Gassy'. *licking lips* Okay I think I just swallowed a pube.

Product Site
via
Now Available: Sushi Push Pops [gizmodo]

Jun 4 2010 Students Turn Observatory Into Giant R2-D2

Oh man, how cool would it have been if R2 were actually that big? He wouldn't have had to hang out with that golden wanker C-3 all the time, that's for sure.

Carleton's Goodsell Observatory gets turned into R2-D2 by an unknown group of enterprising students -- complete with sound effects. All the "decorations" appear to have been draped or taped onto the dome; there was no defacing with spray paint, etc.

Good lookin', guys. And I've gotta admit it's a tad classier than the peener I would have turned it into. But just barely. What? Don't even act like it's not the first thing you think of when you see an observatory! Haha, outerwhat?

Hit the jump for a couple close-ups and a video that nobody bothered turning right-side up (myself included).

Continue Reading " Students Turn Observatory Into Giant R2-D2 "

Jun 3 2010 Not A Good Sign: Fossils From The Future

As a man who's no stranger to hiding in a bathroom stall until the museum of natural history closes and then rubbing his supple, oiled body all over the fossilized remains of some Apatosaurus, I, uh -- is anybody else getting hot? No? Just checking. These are fossils from the future Mechazoic Era as created brought back in a time machine by deviantARTist Throwing Chicken. Which -- been there, done that, nugget did not stick to ceiling like hypothesized despite generous application of BBQ sauce. Hmm.....maybe honey mustard...

Hit the jump for several more species and another link to Throwing Chicken (Chase Black's) deviantART.

Continue Reading " Not A Good Sign: Fossils From The Future "

Jun 3 2010 Smart Thinking: Okay Forget James Cameron, Let's Just Nuke That Oil Spill! (Yes, Seriously)

There are good ideas and there are great ideas. This is a f***ing terrible one. Nuking the oil leak to cover that shit in rubble and seal it off. Plus birth Godzilla! (which, admittedly, I am for)

A plan proposed to detonate a nuke to seal off that troublesome oil well is gaining support with each of BP's failures. The Russians apparently used the tactic five times between 1966 and 1981. They went four for five.

Will it ever happen? According to an anonymous source at the Los Alamos National Laboratory in New Mexico -- y'know, the guys and gals who created the Bomb in the first place -- no. "It's not going to happen," continuing on with "Technically, it would be exploring new ground in the midst of a disaster -- and you might make it worse."

Listen: I know James Cameron may be some kind of expert on submersibles and underwater filming, but if you're considering atomic warheads you're gonna need me on the team. Because I'm an atomic expert. Just sayin', one time I nuked a hotdog for three minutes before it exploded.

Nuking the oil spill, a 'crazy' plan that's gathering steam [dvice]

Jun 3 2010 You're No Jedi: Star Wars Kid Is A Lawyer Now