May 24 2010Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction: The What The F***iest News Lede A Reporter's Ever Written

burrito-man.jpg

There's quality journalism and then there's quality journalism. And this is the latter. I'm talking about words strung together so profoundly that Putlizer himself just rolled over in his grave and shat a printing press.

BERVARD COUNTY, Fla. -- The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.

Nor will he be going back to Taco Bell. Fire sauce might not be that hot in your mouth, but in your penis, oh man, in your penis.

THE GREATEST NEWS LEDE THAT WILL EVER BE
[filmdrunk]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who once dressed up as Wolverine and assaulted his computer monitor with a gyro in his pants.

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Reader Comments

Lulz.

yes but when he throws that burrito it comes back to him after hitting no less than 5 under-aged girls

Oh.
Hell.
Yes.

That is so kick ass!

The poor guy suffers from uni-nipple.

I'll have extra sauce on mine, I'm going to a lamaze class, thanks.

The actual story is like a bad pipe dream:

"On Saturday night, when a costume party full of medical professionals stopped at On Tap Cafe, police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.
The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report “there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America’s were asked to go outside for a possible identification.” The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot. He was taken to the police station."

fucking GW!? ...fire sauce in the dickhole?? wow

My love for taco bell was almost tarnished, I can't believe you'd write such a thing. How in the hell has the west coast been treating you lately?

You should try daves insanity sauce btw, your cock will shoot farther into space than the space shuttle did in the previous post

poor guy looks like his dog died when in fact they took is burrito away from him!

@8 either of those would be a tragic loss

All of the most ridiculous news stories come from FL. Like the conveinence store robber in Fort Pierce, FL that stole some beef jerky, then tried to get away on his BMX bike. He was apprehended one block away in his escape! That types of shit only happens in FL! :)

This used to actually be my hangout 5 or 6 years ago. I was actually in the costume contest at this bar a couple years, but wasn't there when this happened. Didn't surprise me one bit to hear though. It is FL after all.

Headlines:
One armed man applauds the kindness of strangers
Cops come down hard on local porn store
Statistics show teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25
Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons

Lede: A army vehicle worth $75,000, has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.

@13 I agree with what your about to say

I fart pie in Cuckoo choo choo dunder flop!

I feel sorry for the burrito. ;A;

Sounds like Muphry's Law in action.

Sweet, a news article from April 2007. Good thing it's being reposted, I had almost forgotten that it happened.

way to make my hometown look good jackass....

IDK what worse! the fact that he has stars on his cheaks..... or the fackt that he has fake muscles on the costume

hahaha this is too awesome. I happen to live in Brevard and this is the best thing that's probably ever happened here, besides the Shuttle.

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