May 15 2010Say Goodbye To Crying!: The Onion Bully


The Onion Bully is a metal shoehorn you put in your mouth while cutting onions that's supposed to prevent you from crying. Plus you look cool. Really cool.

The power of the Onion Bully™ is tear science. When you put the Onion Bully™ in your mouth, it actually tells your body to turn off your tear ducts so you can't cry!

Tear science? I practically invented it. Wanna help me with an experiment? Awesome. Now you stand still while I kick you in the balls. *WOOPF* Are you crying? Success. I smell a Nobel prize!

Hit the jump for a 2:00 commercial. It's pretty convincing (I bought two).

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Thanks to Matthew, who doesn't even cry when maced.

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Reader Comments

I know something else she can put in there that can prevent crying. OH HO HO.



I don't think even one of those could stop me from crying at the stupidity of this.

@2 & 3

theres a difference between SOBBING and tearing up form cutting onions. fuck sake.

Success. Also the sexism of this is mildly entertaining.

1) Who wears that much mascara cutting onions?

2) Who cuts onions "all day"? (Besides professional chef's who are probably used to it...)

3) How is that video clip "proof" as you so claim? We know barely any of the conditions.

4) "Rinses clean with soap on water!" As do most metal and plastic things....

5) $10? You must really be cutting into your profit margins! The production cost of this must be much higher than that! I do expect nanites to be involved somewhere however...

6) "Give one to a friend or loved one!" Such a good present there.... especially since the second one cost you so much....

7) Woo, a plastic knife for free! Well, minus the exorbitant handling fees of course...

8) How would you prove you got a tear? Do you have to bottle it for transport?

And don't even get me started on the "Tear Science" bit, or the "telling you body to turn off your tear ducts".... That is so bad it hurts.....

And after this essay, unlikely to be first :P

and @7

Cheers, missed that bullet point.

9) Also, why is it only women assumed to be chopping onions, often for a man?

She looks as stupid cutting onions with that thing in her mouth as do people sound in conversation talking about twitter. I laughed right away, great post GW

wouldn't a spoon work just as well?

This is only for people who don't know WHY onions make you cry, and your not really crying anyway, your eyes water because the chemicals emitted into the air when you cut an onion mix with the liquid on the surface on your eye, making your eye fluids a weak form of sulphuric acid. Putting something in your mouth will NOT WORK. But we already knew this

I know what to sneak into the next tear jerker movie next to my bag of home popped popcorn!

tried it with a spoon

doesnt work. still cried.

onions get cut and release a vapor that burns your eyes. thats why you cry. if you just put a fan next to the cutting board then you should be ok.

bought it

i call bullshit

nah don't need it...I'de look neater cutting onions with goggles >:D

pitiful humans with your inferior tear ducts i had mine replaced with power crystals to keep my eye lazers from running out.

Two words for you:- Slap Chop

It's called a spoon. A spoon works just the same.

HAHAHA it also stops women from talking when in the kitchen. LOL

Onions make your eyes water. They don't make you cry hysterically or become clinically depressed as displayed in the video. Lol. Stupid.

i want the knife.... shit... they always get me with the free knife deal

I hate infomercials strictly because they superovermega exaggerate things.


secretly what it is is a bunch of teensy midgets with cattle prods that poke you in the back of your eyeballs. good work GW.

"turn(s) off your tear ducts, so you can't cry" So, I'm going to put this in my mouth, and chop my dick off and i won't cry? here comes a lawsuit.
@25, where do teensy midgets get cattle prods that size?

Lol, with a number like 1-800-555-1234, and with such a stupid purpose, I thought it was fake. XD

Pretty dumb people out there. Not the people who made the product, just the people who thought this was an actual product. Really guys? Really?

Seriously? none of you have heard of the onion? welcome to the internet

I´ll give you 5$ for that neat knfe.


I must say, I thought it was ONN related when I saw the logo, but then after seeing the product, I assumed it was a coincidence....

Boy will I feel dumb when it's revealed to be a fake....

Meh, my points still stand for other similar crappy adverts for useless crap, which are for real....

This is ridiculous...

to make things worse i bet it sold over a million during that commercial

Regardless of your sex, just suck it up and cut the got dam onion. Also, I've never heard a special "onion cutting" knife.

ну че это за хуйня такая

Using this products will have you questioned by the police in Arizona.

Oh! It's satire!

Completely understandable.


Let's see if my hypothesis holds true. First person to comment on this product thinking it's real gets relentlessy belittled.

Oh my god so much needs to be said.

1) ALL WOMEN ARE CRYING DISASTERS! The only difference between an onion bully woman and a normal woman is you know she's gonna keep her mouth shut with that thing in it and there's also a great chance she'll be where she belongs - in the kitchen.

and 2) DON'T WASTE $10 on this shit. Just cut the handle off a spoon and use that - it'll do the exact same thing.

look at the onion symbol. its obviously a mock commercial

Um, yeah. It's real. And incredibly stupid. Kudos to the inventor for capitalizing on the ignorance of the masses, though.

Wow, the Onion has really falling on hard times. That has to be one of the least funny things I have ever seen from them.

stupid product = yes
fake = no

I get the BF to do the onion chopping these days, but in the past have tried every trick in the book to prevent watering eyes.

Replace the onion bully with a slice of bread in your mouth & the bread absorbs all the crap that would have otherwise made your eyes water. Easy!

The idea is that you are breathing via mouth, and not by nose which causes the reaction of "crying".

to be honest I dont cry when cutting onions....just leave a cold tap running in the room and breathe through your MOUTH...that sets me straight every time

A spoon works too like 90% of the time.
I dunno why.. it just does.

Breath in through your mouth and not your nose. Works for me.


You're my hero!

@ everyone else...
What type of watch do you get a women for her birthday? You don't! The stove has a clock on it. She can mumble the time with my penis in her mouth.

Lol. "I said put the OnionBully in your mouth when I beat you!!! I SAID PUT IT IN!"



its a fake comercial. the phone number listed is 555-1234

ONE: the science is all 'sideways' in this shit.
TWO: Total bullshit, even though most of what the say is true(Except why you can't cry). You won't cry(sorta)

That is, given this is real. Which it is not.

The blonde in the red polo shirt has a great pair of tits.

she was crying her tits off lol

Will it stop me from crying at the stupidity of this?

oh, and it also magically brings color to the world.

Another case of people Doin' It Wrong! on commercials.

Indeed, Robsco is correct, so let's all get one of these and then sue the company when we go blind from all the chemical burns we got because our eyes didn't water as we chopped onions.

Stupid companies, FTL

umm guys.. ITS FAKE.. just look at the number at the end.. all 'fake' numbers have the 555 in it..

well the website is real

555s can be used for "information providers." 555s are not used in personal numbers like home phones/cell phones/etc. And there is your fun fact for the day. Unfortunately, this thing is real


So, I just went ahead and ordered a bunch of these. I'll be having a garage sale next weekend so come on by and buy buy buy while they're still hot hot hot. Also, if you figure out I am lying before you get here, you will receive a special door prize, if you make it that far, but the sale is at my garage and I'll have security. In the words of General Pepper from Star Fox, GOOD LUCK

Does anyone else think the shirt on her looks funny? Very large and odd fitting. But anywho....


Agreed! Slap Chop will slap your tearful troubles away

Man, as stupid as it looks, I wish it would work. Onions are my cooking nemesis.

The only thing that works for me, is to cut onions in the sink with the water running a little.

Why onions make you cry is this:

When you cut an onion it emits a chemical that releases into the air that bonds with the nearest water molecule... which usually is the person's eyes cutting the onion.

It's the only thing that has ever worked for me and my eyes are so fucking sensitive... I do bawl, but I don't look like an emotional wreck like the chicks in the video.

Will have to get this next time I'm beating my spouse.

Just close your nostrils...

tear science has finally earned its credential.

Has nobody heard of "The Onion"? I saw a couple people in there, but no one even addressed the fact that the number, having the 555, is fake. Why would you make a commercial with a fake number?

All i will say is MAN UP!

Can you wear it at the picture?

This was seriously just on my local news station. They have a "test infomercial products" segment on the weekends, and apparently, they want to test this.

I think the 555 number is a place holder before the commercial started airing, if it is airing now. If you go to the site, there's the real number and all the relevant data to fill out to order a few. Seems legit, stupid but legit.

hey i honestly dont care if it works or not i just like the people who are actually crying i have teared up cutting up onions but i have never broke down in sadness

You could just put a spoon in your mouth, they are similar shape... :V

I found the --- Official Onion Bully Video on YouTube.

If you watch'll notice it's slightly different then the one posted above.

Looks like a legit product...

Alright.. that's great and all but I imagine you'll want to be crying when all the sulfate from the onions that gets in your eyes doesn't leave because you're not crying! by the way, the water that naturally exists in your eyes combines with the sulfates released by the onion when you gut it creating a dilute version of H2SO4 in your eyes... yeah that's right, sulfuric acid, in your EYES! this product sounds terrible even if it was serious... -.-"

I've heard holding a piece of bread in your mouth also reduces tearing when slicing onions... I wonder if this works on the same principle?

I've found simply cutting the bottom gland out of the onion works.

Lol Found A typo "No Cry" XD

Or if you don't want to look like a complete twunt you could always put them in the fridge to cool before you cut them.

When cold the irritating chemicals get airborn far less easily and therefore dont irritate your eyes.

Some things just go right over people's heads....

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