May 31 2010 Freedom Isn't Free: Happy Memorial Day

I'd like to take this time to thank all the servicemen and women who have given their lives so that I can write without fear or censorship. And to those still serving: keep up the good work, and come home safe.

Here's to you,

The Geekologie Writer

May 30 2010 Dammit Japan, That's Nacho Green Cheese!: Japan's Plan For Robotic Moonbase By 2020

Remember Japan's plans to put a humanoid robot on the moon by 2015? Well apparently that's only Phase 1 of their $2 billion master plan, because now they want an entire robotic colony on the moon by 2020. Not if I have anything to do with it! (I don't is the f***ing problem)

As currently envisioned, the robots that will land on the lunar surface in 2015 will be 660-pound behemoths equipped with rolling tank-like treads, solar panels, seismographs, high-def cameras and a smattering of scientific instruments. They'll also have human-like arms for collecting rock samples that will be returned to Earth via rocket. The robots will be controlled from Earth, but they'll also be imbued with their own kind of machine intelligence, making decisions on their own and operating with a high degree of autonomy.

Those initial surveyor bots will pave the way for the construction of the unmanned moon base near the lunar south pole, which the robots will construct for themselves. That base will be solar powered and provide a working/living space future robot colonizers, as well as -- presumably -- a jumping off point for future human moon dwellers.

God, can you imagine if the first contact we have with aliens is through Japan's robotic moon colony? They'll Alderaan our asses!

Japan Plans a Moon Base by 2020, Built by Robots for Robots [popsci]

Thanks to Mike, Stealth Logic, jondeelee, Tom, Bender and Monsterrod Von Hugenstien, who are all voting 'NO' this November on Proposition Moonbase 2020.

May 30 2010 Precious Moments: Infant's Cochlear Implant Activated, Hears Mother's Voice For First Time

Note: Video is after the jump because real men don't cry on the homepage.

This is a video of 8-month old Jonathan having his cochlear implant activated and hearing his mother's voice for the first time. It's heartwarming. The burrito I got from a roadside stand last night at 3AM? That was heartburning. Plus I woke up with diarrhea.

Hit the jump for your daily dose of aawwwwwwwh.

Continue Reading " Precious Moments: Infant's Cochlear Implant Activated, Hears Mother's Voice For First Time "

May 30 2010 It's Addicting!: Avatar Tattoo Guy Is Back At It

NOTE: Full-res picture HERE in case you're into cancerous moles and back hair.

Remember Avatar tattoo guy? First it was the left shoulder, then the right, and now a full-body Neytiri next to his spine. Based on the quality, I'm gonna assume he got this one in the slammer. Which, fun fact: is where I met my first boyfriend.

Picture

Thanks to Steve, who has a pterodactyl tat across his back that flaps its wings when he does the funky chicken, making it cool and not so cool at the same time.

May 29 2010 Holy Crap You're Frankenstein: Necklaces That Make It Look Like Your Head's Sewn On

Want it make it look like your head's sewn on? Well you're in luck, thanks to these $15 necklaces from Etsy seller VonErickson. YOU GONNA LOOK LIKE FRANKENSTEIN, YO!

The Original VonErickson Stitch Choker

Carefully skull-pted and cast in a durable Vinyl by yours cruely! Adjustable, "one size" styling. This one's ALL black in color with Medium stitches

Alternatively, stop being a pussy and just chop your damn head off already. Then have a friend sew it back on for you. But make sure they're a real friend first (I'd recommend a pinky swear or something)! Otherwise you might wake up with the thing sewn on backwards as a joke! Now I know what you're thinking, and no -- it won't be anything like a reach-around.

Hit the jump for a several more pictures of the different models, including a bloody neck necklace. Whee!

Continue Reading " Holy Crap You're Frankenstein: Necklaces That Make It Look Like Your Head's Sewn On "

May 29 2010 Another Cool Stop-Motion: 'My Desk Is 8-Bit'

Note: Video is after the jump because the Geekologie front page is no longer 8-bit compatible.

Did you enjoy yesterday's 8-bit NES inspired stop-motion video? No? I'll cut you. But for those of you that did, here's comes another! YOU WILL WATCH IT AND YOU WILL ENJOY IT. I mean unless you don't want to be friends. Hey, it's cool -- I talk shit behind your back anyways.

I recently found myself wondering what a video game might look like in the form of a stop motion animation. While a normal person's response to such a question would of course be "who gives a shit?" I possess few of the qualities typically associated with normalcy and was irrevocably compelled to find out. This is the result.

Oh man, I can't even count the number of times the answer to a question has been, "who gives a shit?" Like every single one. Including, and not just limited to, "what does the Tardis-riding Doctor do in the bathroom stall?" *zing!*

Hit it for the worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " Another Cool Stop-Motion: 'My Desk Is 8-Bit' "

May 29 2010 Large Crane Is Large, Lifts Korean Warship

There are cranes, and then there are CRANES. This is one of the all capital ones.

This warship is the [South Korean] Cheonan, which has an interesting history. The 1,200-ton vessel was split into two after being struck by a North Korean torpedo. It sank into the Yellow Sea on the March 26th, 2010. 46 of the 104 members of the crew perished.

The rear section of the warship was recovered recently, on April 15th. The bow, which is pictured above, was lifted out of the water on April 24th

Hello, South Korea? This is the GW. I know it's the third time in a month, but I was wondering if maybe I could borrow your crane for a little. My penis is on the floor again.

Hit the jump for a shot of the whole crane. Which, SPOILER: It's f***ing huge.

Continue Reading " Large Crane Is Large, Lifts Korean Warship "

May 28 2010 Kids Say Write The Darndest Things: Child's Letter To Institute Of Physics Regarding LHC

Allegedly this is a letter received by the Institute of Physics that was written by a youngster concerned about the Large Hadron Collider. And I'd almost believe it too if the handwriting and drawing weren't so perfect. But what really tipped me off was the intentional misspellings of hadron and hadrons as "hardon" and "hardons". CONSIDER YOURSELF TROLLED, INSTITUTE OF PHYSICS!

"Dear Sir, My Brother Was Telling Me About The Large Hardon Collider..." [gizmodo]

May 28 2010 Awesome NES Game Stop Motion Video

Because it's a holiday weekend coming up and my brain checked out before it ever checked in, here's an awesome stop-motion video made using construction paper, LEGO blocks, some candy, vegetables, DS games, an iPhone, a couple pins, AND AN ENEMA BAG FULL OF AWESOME (sans enema bag). It took Youtube user bornforthis43 over 120 hours and 7,000 photographs to complete the short and the titles featured include (in this order): Kirby's Adventure, The Legend of Zelda, Metroid, Mega Man 2 And Super Mario Bros. Go ahead and hit the jump to watch it, I promise it won't be the worst 3-minutes you've ever spent. Of course it won't be the best either -- and I'm sure your girlfriend would agree. Hoho, BURN!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Awesome NES Game Stop Motion Video "

May 28 2010 Mmm, Nutty: McDonalds Ogre-Load McFlurry

Tempting, but I prefer my ogre-loads au naturale: salty. Plus green!

McDonalds Unveils New Ogre Ejaculate McFlurry Flavor [buzzfeed]

Thanks to couch sweet potato and Becca, who have both tried Fairy Berry Blasts and claim they stained their shirts. I believe it.

May 28 2010 I'm Flying!: Superman Simulator Looks Scary

Ever wonder what it would be like to fly like Superman? Score some acid. Kidding, don't actually do that. I don't need your dumbass trying something stupid and getting hurt on my conscience. Yes, as a matter of fact this IS all about me (I'm terrible in relationships). But if you want to experience flying the safe way how about this Superman Simulator (which is 100% not safer in any way)? You just strap yourself into the harness, then have a couple friends push you down the steepest hill they can find. You won't be faster than a speeding bullet, or more powerful than a locomotive, but you might very well break every bone in your body in a single bound (plus I'd be happy to back over you if you don't).

Rolling Superman Simulator: you'd better hope you're invincible [dvice]

May 28 2010 Fireballs!: Street Fighter Sex Move Guy Has Officially Added Hadoukens To His Repertoire

Note: Video is after the jump and is NSFW or home because how the f*** are you gonna explain this to your girlfriend when she finds it?

Remember yesterday's Street Fighter II sex move maniac (who looks suspiciously like the Iranian president)? Well to prove he's not just a one-trick pony fighter, here he is pulling off a couple hadouken fireballs in between jump-punch shoryukens, then dry humping the chick while yelling hadouken, then throwing up the Street Fighter II handsign. I, uh, don't know what to make of it. Except that chick seemed surprisingly tolerant. What's that? Okay The Superficial Writer just informed me prostitutes typically are. YOU MEAN THAT'S NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND?!

Hit it for the cannot be unseen video that repeats three times to really drill it in there.

Continue Reading " Fireballs!: Street Fighter Sex Move Guy Has Officially Added Hadoukens To His Repertoire "

May 28 2010 How To: Make A 46,000 Calorie Kit-Kat Bar

Love Kit-Kats but decided they aren't making you fat enough, fast enough? Well now you can create your own 46,000 calorie version (with bonus 1,860 grams of saturated fat!) in just six days with this simple tutorial. Don't say I never gave you anything. Well go on -- open it! *unwrapping* Type 2 diabetes!

Hit the jump for the picture tutorial.

Continue Reading " How To: Make A 46,000 Calorie Kit-Kat Bar "

May 28 2010 Autonomous Quadrocopter Can Fly Through Windows, Perch, Murder You In Your Sleep

Note: Video is after the jump because I'd prefer all the shitted-pants on the second page for easier cleanup.

Q: What's cooler than an autonomous quadrocopter that can fly through windows and perch on vertical surfaces?
A: Everything, including drowning.

We don't know whether we should be terrified or overjoyed. We've just come across a video demo from the University of Pennsylvania's GRASP Lab that shows an autonomous quadrotor helicopter performing "precise aggressive maneuvers."

You've got to watch the video to see just how amazingly this thing moves, it's 100% terrifying. And speaking of terrifying: my face in the mirror when I woke up this morning. Joking -- I'M THE FAIREST BITCH THIS SIDE OF FAIRYTALE LAND. Suck it, Snow White!
...
...
Haha, what do you mean, "after all the dwarfs"?

Hit it for the aerial acrobatics.

Continue Reading " Autonomous Quadrocopter Can Fly Through Windows, Perch, Murder You In Your Sleep "

May 28 2010 Artist Creates Real-Life BTTF2 Hoverboard

French artist Nils Guadagnin went and made a replica of the hoverboard from Back to the Future II that actually hovers. Future technology! Black magic.

Integrated into the board and the plinth is an electromagnetic system which levitates the board. A laser system stabilises the object in the air.

A LASER STABILIZATION SYSTEM?! This things stater of the art (yes, I said that) than the one in the movie! Now I'm not saying this Nils character obviously has a time machine, but somebody hasn't missed a sports bet in 8 years. Coincidence? Yes, shit like that happens all the time -- it's the mystery of the cosmos! (Mutherf***er has a time machine and you know it)

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a video of the somebody sold their soul to the devil!

Continue Reading " Artist Creates Real-Life BTTF2 Hoverboard "

May 28 2010 Optimus Prime Drawn Only Using Bic Pens

Note: Full-res shots of the amazingness HERE and HERE.

Remember Jesse Starr? The man who drew the incredible Bic pen-only portrait of Christopher Walken (not to mention yours truly riding a dinosaur battling a volcano)? Well he's back at it, this time with an Optimus Prime portrait created using nothing but black, red and blue Bics.

This auction is for an original ball-point pen drawn portrait of Optimus Prime. It was skillfully created with the use of black, blue and red Bic Ball Point Pens only. It is impossible to appreciate the stunning mastery of the drawing through a photograph, but it is guaranteed as a piece to be cherished by collectors of all degrees.

Actual art is 12"x16.5" on white Vellum artist paper (not including frame)

Beautifully displayed in a modern custom frame (included)

Took approximately 50 hours to create

The piece is available on eBay now and a limited edition of $45 prints are also availab-- wait -- did that say it took 50 hours to create? Jesus, I've never completed anything that's taken that long (Twilight Princess only took me 40). Good lookin', Jesse. Seriously -- you're one handsome-ass devil.

eBay Auction
and
Prints for Sale
and
Official Site (plus Facebook -- he's handsome, I wasn't lying)

May 27 2010 Vigilante Justice Failure: Would-Be iPhone Theft Crime-Stopper Winds Up In Jail

Roger Ritter is a man. A man who saw two other men diddling each in a bathroom stall stealing iPhones from a Gresham, Oregon AT&T store. So what did he do? He went vigilante justice on their asses. And failed.

"I'm not a cowboy, I'm not a hero. I was just doing what I always try to do: help," he said. And with "help" he really meant "pull out my gun and start shooting at the tires of their escape vehicle like I'm Dirty Harry but failing miserably to hit any of them." Fortunately, no bullets ended up in any of the people who witnessed the incident.

Needless to say, the police were not amused by his impression of Harry Callahan, so they arrested him on the spot. He was officially charged with unlawful use of a weapon, reckless endangerment, disorderly conduct, and unlawful discharge of a firearm.

You said it best, man -- you're definitely no cowboy or hero. You, sir, are a terrible shot. So -- what do you say, Duck Hunt for money?

What Not to Do If You See Someone Stealing iPhones [gizmodo]

Thanks to Laura, who would have hidden under the perp's van and slashed their Achilles tendons when they were trying to get in. Now you're talking!

May 27 2010 Future Pills To Be "Printed", Made-To-Order

Pills: I don't mess with them. I don't even like taking Tums but I have to or my ass might blow itself out in the middle of the night. I'm being serious.

Here's a dirty little secret about the little pills you pop: nearly 99.9 percent of the tablet is useless. Only a thousandth of a pill contains the active ingredients that are supposed to make you feel better....The rest of the pill is just filler so it's large enough for you to pick it up.

If you think that sounds wasteful, you're not alone. Researchers at the University of Leeds, Durham University, and GlaxoSmithKline have teamed up to create pills that are made to order, or perhaps I should "printed to order."

Printing pills means literally printing the active ingredients of a medication onto the side of a tablet. To understand the concept of "printing," think of the active ingredients as tiny droplets that can be printed onto a surface the way ink is printed onto paper, but instead of paper, it's a tablet. That means pills could be individually made for each patient to fit their medical needs and one pill could potentially hold more than one type of medication.

The idea is that eventually you'll be able to order "custom" pills that have all the medications you need to take included in the same tablet. That way you don't have to take a handful everyday. Which, God -- get a spoonful of sugar already!

Pills Printed Specifically for You [discover]

Thanks to Melissa, who wants her made-to-order pills with a side of waffle fries. Mmmm -- good choice, Melissa.

May 27 2010 Hair Smells Like Hair: Shirtless Kirk Cologne

'Shirtless Kirk' cologne is a real olfactory treat coming out this July. Get ready to set your phasers to stunning! God I just want to huff it out of an old bandanna.

Sometimes the only thing standing between you and a successful mission is a thin piece of cloth. And whether in battle or love, you know the shirt is simply...optional. Some say it's the Uniform - made to command respect, strength and honor; but it's your flesh and blood barely contained within that svelte Officer's Attire that make you exactly who and what you are. And you know it. Shirtless Kirk. Save the Day...Save the Night. 100ml Eau de Toilette Vaporisateur Spray.

The $30 fragrance is available for pre-order now and ships in July. But as tempting as it sounds, I'm afraid I'm still holding out for 'Eau de That Three-Tittied Alien Chick From Total Recall'. AND THAT SHIT BETTER SMELL LIKE NIPPLES.

Product Site

Thanks to Suzanne, fishy sticks and Neil, who don't need manufactured fragrances to smell pleasant. Except for fishy sticks -- dude smells like a mermaid's vagina.

May 27 2010 Zippity Zap!: Dr. Who Theme On Tesla Coils

Note: Video is after the jump due to its electrifying nature. You know, or to keep scripts on the front page to a minimum.

This is a rendition of the Dr. Who theme as performed on Tesla coils at the recent Makers Faire in San Mateo, CA. I'd make love to it -- aaaand a Victoria's Secret catalog. Psyche -- THIS AIN'T MIDDLE SCHOOL.

ArcAttack employs a unique DJ set up of their own creation to generate an 'electrifying' audio visual performance. The HVDJ pumps music through a PA system while two specially designed DRSSTC's (Dual-Resonant Solid State Tesla Coils) act as separate synchronized instruments. These high tech machines produce an electrical arc similar to a continuous lightning bolt and put out a crisply distorted square wave sound reminiscent of the early days of synthesizers

Well what'd you think? I dug it. Of course, I also dug up my dead hamster after a year to see what it looked like. It didn't look good. Really wish I hadn't done that.

Hit it for the shocking (God I slay me) performance.

Continue Reading " Zippity Zap!: Dr. Who Theme On Tesla Coils "

May 27 2010 Scientists Discover New Species Of Handfish. Wait -- Fish With Freakin' Hands? Dammit BP

I've known about other species of handfish for awhile because I pretty much know everything including most of the stuff the government tries so hard to keep from us. The island from LOST actually existing aside, there's a new species to add to the soon-to-be-extinct list: the pink handfish.

Using its fins to walk, rather than swim, along the ocean floor....the pink handfish is one of nine newly named species described in a recent scientific review of the handfish family.

All of the world's 14 known species of handfish are found only in shallow, coastal waters off southeastern Australia, the review notes.

Even among the previously known species, the fish are poorly studied, the review authors add, and little is known about their biology or behavior.

And we probably never will. Just sayin', these guys are gonna be extinct before I am. Now, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Time to bait your fingers and do a little hairy handfishing! That's nautical talk for sinking your own battleship. Huh? I'm TALKIN' ABOUT INKIN' YOUR OCTOPUS, YO!

Nine Fish With "Hands" Found to Be New Species [nationalgeographic]

Thanks to Rochelle and matty, who discovered a new species of fish with legs but the government swept it under the rug because they'd escaped from a top-secret genetic modification lab.

May 27 2010 Too Big Screen Is Too Big: Girl's Gaming Rig

At first I was gonna warn about the inherent damage to your eyes and neck sitting so close to such a large screen will do, but I've got to admit: chick does look healthy. Or methy, whatever.

Hardcore Gaming Girl is Taking it a Bit Far! [walyou]

Thanks to Liquid Tension, who once played World of Warcraft on the screen in a movie theater and sat in the front row. Jesus, somebody call a chiropractor.

May 27 2010 Functional USB Circuitboard Business Cards

Ramiro Pareja Veredas went and had functional circuitboard business cards made. When a potential employer breaks off the extra prongs and inserts the device into a USB port, BANGARANG! -- Ramiro's cover letter/resume. Just don't give 'em the one with your nudie pics! Per Ramiro:

Clearly, it is not the cheaper business card in the world (about 5 euros/piece for a small batch order), but it is a (relatively) small price for having a card in your pocket that has more CPU power than the computer that led the man to the moon.

Whoa whoa whoa -- more CPU power than the computer that led man to the moon?! I don't know where you heard that, Ramiro, but a computer didn't lead man to the moon. It was unicorns. I'm on to you, NASA!

Circuitboard Business Card: The Most Awesome Business Card You Could Ever Own [geekosystem]

Thanks to Red Five, who once kicked Rainbow Six's ass just to teach Tom Clancy a lesson in humility.

May 27 2010 Shoryuken: Arguably The Most Impressive Sexual Move To Have In Your Arsenal

Note: Video is after the jump and NSFW NSFW NSFW due to 360-degrees of penis plus naked chick with bubble butt.

This is a video of some guy about to have the sexual intercourses with a ladyfriend but decides to throw a couple Street Fighter shoryukens in the air before stumbling into the camera and remaining a virgin after all. Smooth move buddy, and you were this close.

Hit it for the NSFW video.

Continue Reading " Shoryuken: Arguably The Most Impressive Sexual Move To Have In Your Arsenal "

May 27 2010 That's Not What I Said!: Bad Translator Is Bad

Bad Translator is a website that takes entered text and translates it into another language, then back to English, then repeats the process either 10, 25 or MAXIMUM times. For example:

Enterted Text: I heard the Geekologie Writer has a serious rocket in his pants.

10 Translations Later: Geekologie hear your pants rocket serious.

25 Translations Later: Geekologie missiles to listen seriously to your pants.

MAXIMUM TRANSLATIONS LATER!: "Ek बेचैन gehoor मर Geekologie skrywer "बेचैन n ernstige Broek vuurpyl सेशन sy."

WTF?! I don't even know what half of those mean BUT THEY'RE ALL TRUE. Now if you'll excuse me, my pants have serious to rocket. *PSSSHOOOOOOOW!!*

Bad Translator

Thanks to Emortality, who can translate into a truck just like Optimus Prime.

May 26 2010 OMG I Just Wanna Eat 'Em!: Fake Nipples

Because the fake nipple bra never take off back in the 70's, somebody's decided to create a modern, bra-less version: Body Perks nipple enhancers. YES I'M CHEWING ON A PAIR (they looked like dried apricots).

The natural look is back. Nipples are in. From your favourite magazines, to stars gracing the red carpet, women are showing off their breasts with pride. Body Perks nipple enhancers are the latest fashion accessory for your breasts, so take the lead from Sex and the City's Samantha and draw attention to your natural assets. For full effect, wear under a soft cup bra for enhanced, perky appeal.

The fake-ass nips are one-size-fits-all (I dunno, I've seen some big-ass nipples!), come in pink and mocha, and will set you back ~$14 a set (which technically should be three on Mars). Alternatively, do what I do and poke push pins through your milk-holes. What? Don't hate just cause yo jerky ain't perky!

Hit the jump for a side shot along with two others of what the WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU USED SUPERGLUE? actually look like.

Continue Reading " OMG I Just Wanna Eat 'Em!: Fake Nipples "

May 26 2010 That's What I'm Talking About!: Frightening Bipedal Robot Trips And Breaks Its Leg Off

Note: Video is after the jump because I don't want the robots to get too upset and launch the apocalypse early.

This is a video from the University of Michigan's engineering school (traitors to the human race!) of a bipedal robot named MABEL being put through a trip-test.

In this experiment, we are evaluating the inherent robustness of MABEL's 'almost' nominal gait.

Question: How far can MABEL step down without falling? To find out, the robot goes until it falls.

She was able to handle a 2.5 inch (6.35 cm) drop off. In the end, she did not really fall. Each shin has a built in mechanical fuse that gives way when the load on the leg exceeds a threshold. This is done to avoid damage to the bearings in the hips. The experiment stopped when the fuse in MABEL's shin gave way. The resulting fall is quite spectacular, but does not damage the robot. It takes about an hour to reassemble the leg.

Wait -- why would you put its leg back on? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?! All the king's horses and all the kings men couldn't put Humpty together again and you can slap this bitch's leg back on in an hour? That shit ain't right.

Hit it for the video. Skip to 1:50 for the good stuff (replays in slow motion right after). I'm not even gonna lie, I got a boner.

Continue Reading " That's What I'm Talking About!: Frightening Bipedal Robot Trips And Breaks Its Leg Off "

May 26 2010 Yes Please!: World's Sexiest Named Dinosaur

Now I know what you're thinking, "but GW, isn't the Horny Ballerina the sexiest dino name ever?" And the answer, my friend, is no. That one's second place now. The new blue-ribbon winner is officially Tuojiangosaurus (correctly pronounced Two-wang-oh!-sore-ass). Squire, ready my time machine! Please don't be a misnomer, please don't be a misnomer.

Chinese Dinosaur Name Shocks No One [iambored]

Thanks to junkyard dog, who bit my leg when I snuck in to steal pieces for my time machine.

May 26 2010 Hey -- I Don't Remember You!: The Lesser Known Pac-Man Ghosts

Wow, who knew there were so many other Pac-Man ghosts? I mean, besides me (I beat the game once and unlocked those bitches).

Sure, we've all heard of Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde, but did you know about the Boba Fett ghost? In celebration of Pac-Man's recent 30th birthday, CMYBacon has put together this handy guide to some of the more elusive ghosts from the game.

Cute. Granted not as cute as the hummingbirds I watched hatch right outside my bedroom window, but we can't all be David Attenborough. Can we, David? Nope, just me and you. Haha, what do you mean just you? Oh yeah? WELL AT LEAST I DON'T GET OFF WATCHING ANIMALS MATE! Kidding, yes I do (we should go to the zoo).

Hit the jump for a couple shots of my hummingbird neighbors just in case you called me a liar. EVERYTHING I SPEAK IS THE TRUTH.

Continue Reading " Hey -- I Don't Remember You!: The Lesser Known Pac-Man Ghosts "

May 26 2010 Geekologie Review: Mystery Jumble Bags

So a Jumble Bag (link to site) is basically a Woot.com Bag of Crap, except you don't have to sit at your computer jamming F5 for two days straight only to watch the server crash and not get your order processed. $5 gets a random jumble sent to your door (free shipping) and you can choose between "original" (completely random), "tool" and "toy" bags. I got two separate jumbles, one of which contained more typical items (a little Koopa Troopa plushie and an LCD flashlight keyring that projects the time on your wall/ceiling/penis/girlfriend's breasts), and one rarer, nicer item (electronic breathalyzer!). If you've got $5 or $10 laying around it might be worth taking a stab at a bag or two. Of course, I'm a sucker for getting packages in the mail because I love the anticipation. I also love drinking and seeing how high I can blow on the breathalyzer. Which, funny story, tops out at 0.4 and doesn't automatically call an amberlamps (I pumped my own stomach with a toilet plunger).

Hit the jump for a shot of the LCD flashlight in action and one of what I typically blow when I wake up in the morning (no, not a dino -- good guess though).

Continue Reading " Geekologie Review: Mystery Jumble Bags "

May 26 2010 How LOST Really Should Have Ended

Note: Animated gif is after the jump.

So yeah, LOST is over. What'd you think? I thought it ended well. Granted it wasn't the happiest ending, but what do you expect from a free massage? Regardless of what your opinion of the finale, this is the way the series should have ended, hands down. I don't want to ruin it for you, so hit the jump to watch the animated gif. Then agree with me in the comments. Afterward, we'll all hold hands and sing Kumbaya while taking turns poking The Man In Black's body with a stick. I call gouging his eyes out!

Hit it and scroll down fast to see it from the start.

Continue Reading " How LOST Really Should Have Ended "

May 26 2010 There's No Way You Can Watch This And Tell Me It's Okay: Creepy Robotic Child

Note: Video is after the jump due to its extremely disturbing nature. Seriously, it was even hard picking a screencap that wouldn't make you mess your khakis.

This is a short 40-second video of a creepy robotic child (even worse than these) that's obsessed with burying its face in some random woman's vagina (not even kidding). There's 169% no way you can watch it and justify the robot's existence. It's just wrong. God, even the way it moves. *shivers* Aaaaaand my nips are hard.

Hit the jump for the OMG RUN!

Continue Reading " There's No Way You Can Watch This And Tell Me It's Okay: Creepy Robotic Child "

May 26 2010 You Probably Haven't Even Seen Teen Wolf: Confused Teenagers Dressing Up As Wolves

Note: Worthwhile 4-minute news report after the jump.

Proving that even confused teenagers that have convinced themselves they're part wolf can apply thick black eyeliner, "Deikitsen Wolfram Lupus" (Sad Confused Wolf) dresses as a wolf to get attention and hangs out with a group calling themselves The Wolfpack. Jesus Christ.

"We're not a gang at all. Gangs are like posers. They just want attention, that's why they go along tagging stuff. The pack? We're a family. We go to each other for our problems."

"You get friends. You get a place where you belong. You're pretty much accepted to where you are, who you are, what you are," said Deikitsen Wolfram Lupus, the unofficial leader of the pack at Brandeis High. He says he's got some wolf in him, howling sometimes to get out.

*facepalm* Listen: as a guy with over six years of high school experience (f***ing calculus), I know it's hard to fit in sometimes. But pinning a faux-fur tail to the back of your jeans isn't the answer. Go hipster. Kidding! That's way worse.

Hit the jump for a video of the please don't feed me any of that "kids are the future" bullshit.

Continue Reading " You Probably Haven't Even Seen Teen Wolf: Confused Teenagers Dressing Up As Wolves "

May 26 2010 You Dummy: Foolish Scientist Implants Chip In Hand, Can Now Contract Computer Viruses

Seen here demonstrating how to properly milk a bull, Dr. Mark Gasson implanted a computer chip in his hand to raise awareness about just how little it takes to call yourself a scientist these days. God, there used to be standards. Gimme that lab coat!

It allows him to open special doors and even keeps his cellphone locked down so only he can use it. What else does it let him do? Well, contract a virus only meant for computers.

So, what could happen? Well, that really depends on how complex an implant is, and how wired it is to your body. A pacemaker could be shut off remotely, for instance, or -- as an example provided by Gasson -- more complex devices that interface directly with the heart or the brain could have serious implications if compromised.

That's, uh, that's f***ing scary. Computer hackers: assassins of the future. But seriously, I'm totally gonna infect your system and make you evacuate your bowels on first dates because I want you to find true love.

Hit the jump for a video of the WHY DO YOU HAVE A DALEK IN YOUR SCIENCE LAB?!

Continue Reading " You Dummy: Foolish Scientist Implants Chip In Hand, Can Now Contract Computer Viruses "

May 25 2010 Great, Another Apocalypse: Invisible Sharks

Because sharks aren't scary enough, apparently some of them can appear invisible while underwater. Awesome, I'm never showering again.

Not scared yet? Well, one of the invisible shark species is nicknamed the phantom hunter of the fjords.

The real name of the phantom hunter is Etmopterus spinax, or velvet belly lantern shark, which lives in the deep waters of the northeastern Atlantic Ocean. According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Marine Biology and Ecology, the shark becomes invisible by regulating the photophores underneath its body. This makes their belly glow matching the light of the sun above them, as filtered by the sea. As a result, preys or predators looking from under them are not able to see them.

I have no idea what photophores are, but if they're anything like photophives you call them to secure your seat while you go to the bathroom. Now if you'll excu-- PHOTOPHIFTEENS! (I like to sit down to pee)

MOTHERF*CKING SHARKS CAN BECOME MOTHERF*CKING INVISIBLE [gizmodo]

Thanks to Justin, who once punched a shark in the nose and called it a tuna. Ooooh -- that's cold!

May 25 2010 It's A Lamp, It's A Poster, It's A, Uh, Lampster?

This is a poster that's an actual poster BUT ALSO A LAMP. Woah whoah wee-woo! Future technology: that shit's amazing.

"Flat Light was the result of borrowing an Anglepoise task light from college. In 2007, I set up the lamp on my desk at home and was amazed at how it lent an atmosphere of productivity and efficiency to the room... I wondered if just an image of an ordinary task light would be enough to create this atmosphere. This led to Flat Light, which has been exhibited at the Royal College of Art Summer show in 2007 and as part of Designers in Residence at the Design Museum, London"

The Flat Light Poster, which uses LEDs that don't heat up and cause a fire hazard, is available from moss for $195 in a limited run of just 50 pieces.

$200 for a couple LEDs integrated into a poster? Thanks but no thanks, amirite? This sounds like a good $5 do-it-yourself project. Somebody's Cindy Crawford poster is about to get light-up nips!

Product Site
via
Flat Light Poster Now Available [ohgizmo]

May 25 2010 Google's Playable Pac-Man Game Last Friday Destroyed Work Productivity, Cost $120M

Remember last Friday when Google featured a playable Pac-Man demo on its homepage to celebrate the game's 30th anniversary? Turns out that shit seriously put the hurt on work productivity. Suck it, the man!

The average person spends about 4.5 active minutes on Google.com each day, spread out over 22 page views. That is about 11 seconds of attention on each Google search, wrote Rescue Time founder Tony Wright.

When Google released the playable Pac-Mac doodle on Friday in honor of the video game's 30th anniversary, average time spent on Google.com jumped by 36 seconds.

Rescue Time used Wolfram Alpha data for Google traffic on Sunday, which reached 504 million unique views. Assuming that the userbase is representative, Rescue Time concluded that Google's Pac-Mac consumed 4.8 million hours of users' time beyond the 33.6 million daily man hours of attention that Google Search gets every day.

Assuming each Google user had a cost of $25 per hour, that means a loss of $120 million.

*sniff* I'm just so proud of you guys. And I'd like to think that, in some small way, Geekologie also drives down work productivity. And up dino-boners. Admit it -- I'm gettin' to ya!

Report: Google Pac-Man Zapped 4.8M Hours Of Productivity [pcmag]

Thanks to Michael-C, who played for 8-hours straight and still found time to pour a 5-lb bag of sugar in the man's gas tank.

May 25 2010 Wars Everything: Death Star Planetarium

Because the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back's release is as good a reason as any to make a Star Wars branded version of every single product, here's a Death Star planetarium.

• Master Yoda says: "Compare the Star Wars galaxy and Earth's night sky, you will."
• Transform a darkened room into a planetarium!
• Science fiction meets science fact!
• With this tabletop Star Wars Death Star Planetarium, you can experience a map of the worlds that make up the Star Wars galaxy, as well as Earth's own night sky! Includes a fun and informative learning guide. Requires 3x "AA" batteries (not included). Order yours today!

I guess it's pretty cool that it comes with a celestial guide to the Star Wars galaxy too. The $25 piece of molded plastic is available now for pre-order and ships in September. And you know what else ships in September? My son -- to boarding school! I lied and said he was six (he's three, shhhhhh!).

Product Site
via
Read more: Star Wars Death Star Planetarium will Bring The Star Wars Galaxy To Your Room! [walyou]

Thanks to Curt, who once made his own planetarium out of an old globe, lamp and a push-pin.

May 25 2010 How Pr0n Affects Your Life, The Graph

God, I can't even count the number of horse penises I've seen in my life, but it's definitely in the tens. OF THOUSANDS. Jk, jk. Millions. What? No you can't use my computer, you'll probably download malware.

The Graphic Truth [collegehumor]

Thanks to Rosy Palms, who -- oh God please tell me you haven't been diddling the Jetson's maid! No? Just masturbating like you're gonna lose both arms tomorrow? Okay cool.

May 25 2010 LOLWUT?!: Teenage Mutant Ninja...Bear?

Note: Video is after the jump because this bear's ninja moves are so fierce they could kill you on the front page.

This is a video of a bear at the Hiroshima Zoo named Cloud. Cloud is trying out for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wants to work the bō staff like Donatello. He's good too. The Youtube user that shot video claims it hasn't been sped up or altered in away way, which I 100% believe. I also believe it's actually a monkey wearing a bear suit. You can't do that shit without opposable thumbs!

Hit the jump for a minute and a half of bō-spinning action.

Continue Reading " LOLWUT?!: Teenage Mutant Ninja...Bear? "

May 25 2010 BE PROUD: HAPPY GEEK PRIDE DAY!

Today, May 25th, is Geek Pride Day. Be geeky, be proud. Ask out that geeky girl you've always wanted AND DON'T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. Kidding -- no means no, Don Juan.

Geek Pride Day is an initiative which claims the right of every person to be a nerd or a geek. It has been celebrated on May 25 since 2006, celebrating the premiere of the first Star Wars movie in 1977.

It shares the same day as two other science-fiction fan 'holidays' - Towel Day, for fans of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Trilogy by Douglas Adams, and the Glorious 25th of May, for fans of Terry Pratchett's Discworld.

Oh snap, there's even a Geek Pride Manifesto!

Rights:

1. The right to be even geekier.
2. The right to not leave your house.
3. The right to not like football or any other sport.
4. The right to associate with other nerds.
5. The right to have few friends (or none at all).
6. The right to have as many geeky friends as you want.
7. The right to be out of style.
8. The right to be overweight and near-sighted.
9. The right to show off your geekiness.
10. The right to take over the world.

Responsibilities:

1. Be a geek, no matter what.
2. Try to be nerdier than anyone else.
3. If there is a discussion about something geeky, you must give your opinion.
4. To save and protect all geeky material.
5. Do everything you can to show off geeky stuff as a "museum of geekiness."
6. Don't be a generalized geek. You must specialize in something.
7. Attend every nerdy movie on opening night and buy every geeky book before anyone else.
8. Wait in line on every opening night. If you can go in costume or at least with a related T-shirt, all the better.
9. Never throw away anything related to geekdom.
10. Try to take over the world!

Damn, I love a good manifesto. Granted I don't agree with everything on there, but that's alright. I imagine not everybody's gonna agree with everything in my manifesto either. But you know what? That's okay I'll f***ing make them.

¡Feliz día del Orgullo Friki! [zacharyjones] (for you Spanish-speaking geeks)
and
Wikipedia
and
Picture

Thanks to Zachary, Tor Inge and Travis, who all rolled 20's in geek pride.

May 25 2010 WANT: LEGO Unicorn With Rainbow Blast

Unicorns, as you're probably well aware, have to power to blast rainbows out of their jewel-encrusted buttholes. It's true -- some people are convinced Leprechauns are behind the bows, but those people are morons and probably still think the earth is shaped like a waffle.

Hit the jump for a couple close-ups.

Continue Reading " WANT: LEGO Unicorn With Rainbow Blast "

May 25 2010 Has Anyone Seen The Dog?: Skamper Ramp

Don't want your dog drowning in the pool? Get one of those above-ground joints. But GW -- what if I already have an in-ground pool and am too cheap to fill it with concrete? Then you obviously don't care about your pets -- unless -- UNLESS you order a Skamper Ramp (I should really go into advertising). Which, fun fact: I've got skamper. It's like that newfangled swagger all the kids are talking about, but 100x cooler. Plus I get to wear my pants real low. You know, show off the buttcheeks.

Skamper-Ramp is white and it angles down into the water, enabling your pet--and even critters to see it leading out, day or night, 24/7. Skamper-Ramp provides peace-of-mind because your pet (or the critter you didn't want to see there in the first place!)can 'scamper' out of the water--pool or walled pond, even back on a dock or boat ALL BY ITSELF!

The ramp comes in two sizes and cost $70 and $100. Alternatively, drain your pool till there's only water in the deep end. Now I know what you're thinking, "Jesus GW, does your genius know no bounds?" And it doesn't. That shit's boundless. Plus ball-gagless.

Official Site
via
Skamper Ramp offers safe way out of a pool [coolestgadgets]

Thanks to Liquid Tension, who doesn't need a ramp to get out of the pool because she never swims without a life vest rocket pack.

May 24 2010 Batman Vs. Vader With Lightsabers The Cake

Remember the iconic 'Batman Stabbing a Shark with a Lightsaber' painting? And what about 'Batman and Darth Vader Lightsaber Duel'? Well cake-baker Liz Marek went and combined the two masterpieces (along with flour and unicorn tears) to create this culinary delight.

This cake was made for my super nerdy husbands 26th birthday. All his friends where very confused lol. Guess they have lives or something and don't follow internet memes

*facepalm* What do you mean they don't follow internet memes? You and your husband are hangin' with the wrong crowd, Liz. Because one time I swore off memes for a month and next think you know I'm robbing a liquor store and selling $4 HJs behind the Dollar General. Just sayin', it's a slippery slope.

Hit the jump for a couple close-ups.

Continue Reading " Batman Vs. Vader With Lightsabers The Cake

May 24 2010 Oh He's Good, He's Reaaaal Good: World's Greatest Motivational Speaker, Hands Down

Note: Must-watch video is after the jump, SO GET MOTIVATED.

Youtube user armyofholynuns is an aspiring motivational speaker that teaches these simple life lessons by attempting to break a board over his head:

1. Figure out what you want to do
2. Believe in yourself
3. Formulate a plan of action
4. Follow through with it
5. Never give up, even when your head is throbbing because you just gave yourself a concussion
6. Don't go to sleep without consulting a doctor

Hit the jump for the unbelievable video (watch it all, seriously). Along with an equally painful follow-up.

Continue Reading " Oh He's Good, He's Reaaaal Good: World's Greatest Motivational Speaker, Hands Down "

May 24 2010 But Does It Taste Like Brains?: Zombie Jerky

Zombie jerky: sounds delicious, doesn't it? No, it doesn't. I actually just puked through the gap in my front teeth at the mere thought of gnawing pre-rotted flesh. *BLAAH* Ooh -- still going.

"Zombie Meat," an exquisite new Japanese snack for the horror enthusiast, consists of bite-sized chunks of tender blue flesh that, according to the package, has been aged to deadly perfection at the graveyard.

The ghastly meat snack, which tastes remarkably like peppered beef jerky, can be found at select shops in Japan for 399 yen (about $4.50) per pack.

IT'S BLUE?! Now that's just taking it too far. Everybody knows zombie flesh is greenish/gray. GET WITH THE PROGRAM, NOVELTY JERKY MANUFACTURER! Also -- I heard it's all cats.

Hit the jump for a shot of the actual (blue) meat.

Continue Reading " But Does It Taste Like Brains?: Zombie Jerky "

May 24 2010 Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction: The What The F***iest News Lede A Reporter's Ever Written

There's quality journalism and then there's quality journalism. And this is the latter. I'm talking about words strung together so profoundly that Putlizer himself just rolled over in his grave and shat a printing press.

BERVARD COUNTY, Fla. -- The Brevard County doctor who was arrested for groping a woman while dressed as Captain America with a burrito in his pants will not go to jail.

Nor will he be going back to Taco Bell. Fire sauce might not be that hot in your mouth, but in your penis, oh man, in your penis.

THE GREATEST NEWS LEDE THAT WILL EVER BE [filmdrunk]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer, who once dressed up as Wolverine and assaulted his computer monitor with a gyro in his pants.

May 24 2010 Eye Candy: Time-Lapse Of Shuttle Launch

Note: Very worthwhile video is after the jump. Feel free to skip around, but do not -- I repeat -- DO NOT run around the pool.

This is an amazing time-lapse video of a shuttle launch that shows a lot of the behind-the-scenes prep that goes into mounting that bitch on its boosters and wheeling it out for liftoff. I've already watched it twice, and I'm still not convinced it's real (I'm on to you, Hollywood CGI!).

Six weeks, and over 100 hours of footage shot on several Canon EOS 5D Mark IIs culminates in this remarkable, 4-minute time lapse of a Space Shuttle launch.

You know, we've really come a long way. It seems like only yesterday we were faking a grainy moon landing, now we're faking entire space shuttles IN HIGH DEFINITION. Nice try, government!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Eye Candy: Time-Lapse Of Shuttle Launch "

May 24 2010 Doing It Right: Protester Knows What's Up

"America uses mini-robots and poison to murder humans". That's 100% true is the thing, making this guy the most honest protester in the history of protesters. *ahem* Tea-baggers. But did you know they also use mind-controlled animals? Because they do that too. They've even tried beaming assassination orders directly into my head but I just f*** with them when they do. "I'm sorry sir, I've got a baconburger, a strawberry shake and what else? Sir -- sir? You're breaking up." Works every time.

Hilarious Protest Sign Of The Day [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Alice, who still likes to visit Wonderland from time to time (we're talking about dropping acid, right?).

May 24 2010 Classexy: Bow TIE Fighter Tuxedo Shirt

What could possibly make a tuxedo shirt any cooler? Nothing. Except for maybe a Bow TIE Fighter Tuxedo Shirt! Fashion is dead. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Bow TIE Tuxedo Shirt; you're my only hope. Available now for $22, the shirt was designed by Geekologie Reader Reece Ward (along with the R2-D2 Haynes Workship t-shirt) and is sure to make a statement at your next wedding engagement. What statement exactly? "I'll be sleeping with a bride's maid tonight...
...
...
...all of them."

Hit the jump for another one of Reece's designs that's available featuring Han Solo with a pyew pyew gun, along with links to the product sites.

Continue Reading " Classexy: Bow TIE Fighter Tuxedo Shirt "

May 24 2010 Seizure's Palace: Club's Crazy LED Lightshow

Note: Video is after the jump out of respect for those with motion sickness.

This is a video of Smack Nightclub's amazing LED lightshow. It was pretty awesome despite the music and the fact I didn't take any of those "E" pills the youngsters were trying to sell me.

What more can I say..... Smack, Leamington Spa...!

Featuring "Hold On" (Sub Focus Remix) by Rusko. This is off his new Album "O.M.G."

Buy it now it's the BOMB...

Speaking of bombs -- I detonated one in the back of a cab on the way home from a bar this weekend. I'm talking about shitting on the floor. I did that.

Hit the jump for your RDA of seizures (make sure to watch in HD).

Continue Reading " Seizure's Palace: Club's Crazy LED Lightshow "

May 24 2010 A Robot That Attends Meetings For You

Ever had to go to a meeting but didn't want to? Every single one, huh? I'm with you. Between PTA and AA it feels like I spend half my life in a folding chair with a cup of shitty coffee and a sugar cookie. But now you can send a robot to attend for you!

Step forward the QB from Anybots - a robot who can go to the office for you.

Developed by Bob Christopher, the brainchild behind the Pleo dinosaurs, the cute looking robot is essentially a teleconferencing system on wheels.

The robot can alter its height from 3ft to 5.7ft and weighs 2.5st (35lbs), with a main computer and several mini-computers on board. It has an LCD monitor mounted on its head which feeds a webcam image of the telecommuter.

This information is then transmitted to the remote user via a web browser, who can direct the robot with simple keyboard commands. QB is self-balancing and rolls around on two aluminium and rubber wheels at human walking speed.

The little jerks are actually going into production and will be available this fall for $15,000. Alternatively, tape a webcam to a broomstick tied to an RC car. BOOM -- WHO JUST SAVED YOUR COMPANY $14,900?! It's called InGWenuity. Oh geez, there I go waving my magic word wand again!

Hit the jump for a closeup of deathbot's head and a video of the squirt in action.

Continue Reading " A Robot That Attends Meetings For You "

May 23 2010 The Periodic Table Of Star Wars Elements

Note: Full size version of the table Hr (that's the elemental symbol for Here!).

Since everybody seems to have a raging Jedi boner over the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back, here's the periodic table of its elements. You know, in case you were curious what kind of atoms make up the movie. Valence shells aside, I'm a little disappointed there was no Pw for Pews. That's a critical element! And speaking of critical elements: Rutherfordium. I heard he got struck by a car last night. We should send balloons or something.

The Periodic Table of The Empire Strikes Back [scifiwire]
via
Check out the Periodic Table of The Empire Strikes Back [dvice]

May 23 2010 I Like Them Too!: Happy World Turtle Day!

If you're reading this on Sunday, it's World Turtle Day. But if you're reading this on Monday, it's the day after World Turtle Day. And if you aren't reading this till Tuesday or later I think it's pretty obvious you don't love me anymore and that makes me a very sad boy. Anyway, turtles. Admit it -- you know you like them!

The purpose of World Turtle Day, May 23, sponsored yearly since 2000 by American Tortoise Rescue, is to bring attention to, and increase knowledge of and respect for, turtles and tortoises, and encourage human action to help them survive and thrive.

Turtle Day is celebrated worldwide in a variety of ways, from dressing up as turtles to saving turtles caught on highways, to research activities.

Somebody's getting high and watching TMNT this afternoon! Is it you? Because it isn't me. I'm playing Super Mario Galaxy 2, son!

I Like Turtles [youtube]
and
Wikipedia

Thanks to Darwin, who I'd naturally select first for my kickball team any day.

May 23 2010 BEAM ME UP, YO!: Quantum Teleportation

Note: Full-res shot of the WTF am I looking at HERE.

Teleportation: sometimes I wish it were my superpower. Instead I got blinding handsomeness. That's right -- I kill with a smile. Well technically it's a knife, but I be grinnin', yo, I be grinnin'. So yeah, quantum teleportation: Chinese scientists are doing that shit. God I deserve a Pulitzer.

Scientists in China have succeeded in teleporting information between photons further than ever before. They transported quantum information over a free space distance of 16 km (10 miles), much further than the few hundred meters previously achieved, which brings us closer to transmitting information over long distances without the need for a traditional signal.

And as for that diagram:

a, A birds-eye view of the 16-km free-space quantum teleportation experiment. Charlie sends photon 1 to Alice for BSM. Classical information, including the results of the BSM and the signal for time synchronization, is sent through the free-space channel with photon 2, to Bob, before decoding and triggering of the corresponding unitary transformation. b, Sketch of the experimental system.

Sounds like Charlie, Alice and Bob are having quite the kinky threesome, amirite?! Of course I am. Apparently the technology has huge implications for the future of communications. Also, pizza delivery.

Quantum teleportation achieved over 16 km [physorg]

Thanks to Schmaltz, who once teleported to the grocery store and back but forgot to buy milk. That's why you gotta make a list!

May 22 2010 Three Ewok Deathstar Shirt: That's No Moon!

It's a space station. As you may or may not know, the t-shirt was invented in 1722 by a Mr. Nathanial T. Shirk to keep your nipples from falling off. One misnomer at the London patent office later and the rest, my friends, is history. A history I just made up. Which let's be honest, is far more interesting than the real thing. Did I ever tell you the one about how our solar system was created by two magicians fighting over a turtle? Okay that one's actually true.

Product Site

Thanks to Alex, L3g3ndQ, mike469x and wulk, who all would have bought it if it came in a rayon blend.

May 22 2010 Bad Things Really Do Come In Small Packages: Latest Video Of Littledog

Note: Video is after the jump because it's too disturbing for the front page.

Remember BigDog? Remember its redheaded stepbrother, LittleDog? I know, I've been trying to drink away the memory too. But this is reality folks, and it's time we face the facts. And the fact is this thing is probably gonna kill us all. I'M JUST KEEPIN' IT REAL. That said, there's no way you can watch the way LittleDog moves and tell me it's not some kind of top-secret genetically modified womprat hybrid in a robot suit. I'm on to you, government! And don't even THINK about big brothering my ass unless you want binoculars full of schlong. I'm being serious. *waving penis around like a helicopter* Oh. My. God. I'm hovering -- I'M HOVERING!

Hit the jump for the disturbing video.

Continue Reading " Bad Things Really Do Come In Small Packages: Latest Video Of Littledog "

May 22 2010 Knight XV: Luxury SUV Of The Apocalypse

Looking for a ridiculously expensive SUV to plow through crowds of the undead when the zombie apocalypse begins? Then look no further than Conquest Vehicles' Knight XV. It's bulletproof and you can get it with a minibar option. Um, yes please!

Conquest Vehicle Inc's flagship vehicle, the KNIGHT XV defines the future of the ultra-luxurious, handcrafted fully armoured SUV. This one-of-a-kind, V10, 6.8-litre, Bio-fuel powered SUV was inspired by military vehicle designs and features security appointments that are unrivaled in today's SUV marketplace.

The KNIGHT XV(TM) is priced at $295,000 USD. Only 100 will be made available as a limited first run. Each vehicle takes 1,500 hours to build by hand.

The KNIGHT-XV(TM) is built using ballistic hardened steel making it fully armoured including ballistic fiberglass fenders, bumper and up to 64 mm. (2.5 inches) transparent armor (glass).

Admittedly it's pretty badass looking, but I'm skeptical about any car they're only making 100 of. I mean, I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE THAT FINDS OUT THE BRAKES STOP WORKING AFTER 10,000 MILES. Thanks but no thanks, Conquest -- there's only one vehicle you can really trust during the zombie apocalypse: Optimus Prime. Kidding, that f***er will eat you alive!

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of the STEP ON THE GAS, GO GO GO!!

Continue Reading " Knight XV: Luxury SUV Of The Apocalypse "

May 21 2010 I Think I'm Seeing Double!: Cheetara Cosplay

Because it's Friday and my brain checked out Monday right after lunch, here's some Cheetara cosplay action to help get your weekend started right: bonery.

Hit the jump for an even hotter shot of the two.

Continue Reading " I Think I'm Seeing Double!: Cheetara Cosplay "

May 21 2010 Seeing Is Believing: How The West Was Won Old Star Wars Opening Crawls Were Filmed

Just like this (because this is a picture of one being filmed is the thing).

When I saw this setup, print in Esquire, I assumed they had built a physical crawl, dragged through the camera's field of view to create the effect. Looking closer, though, it's obvious that it was the camera that moved in this setup, slowly and carefully rolled back over the glossy, printed plate, which measured about six feet long.

It looks like a colored lightbox with the letters glowing through an opaque film. Awesome. You know, it's amazing what you can accomplish even without computers. Kidding, computers are life.

So That's How They Filmed the Star Wars Opening Crawl... [gizmodo]
and
Rare Empire Photos from Maxim Magazine [starwars] (with a bunch of never before seen candid shots)

Thanks to ray, who, together with gun, makes one of my favorite weapons.

May 21 2010 DO WANT: Batpod Replica For Sale On eBay

Some guy went and built a full-scale functional replica of Batman's Batpod (great linking, GW!) from The Dark Knight and is selling the thing on eBay starting at a cool $100K. I want it. Like, badly. So badly I'm even considering selling an organ. *STAB* One of yours.

This motorcycle was completely hand fabricated and scaled from the original bike for superior accuracy and feel.

The frame and all tubing were built from hardened steel and welded together for an unbelievable rendition of this famous vehicle. The covers and arm guards, which are formed with high tensile strength fiberglass, hide the actual engine which is a high output 650cc 4 stroke, water cooled engine with direct port nitrous injection delivering amazing power in a compact shell if it were ever needed. The front and rear tires measure 508 millimeters across and it is outfitted with grappling hooks, grenade launchers, and 50 caliber machine guns for those traffic jams on the freeway. (No... they don't really work.) The pod has never been ridden on the street but has been tested in a controlled environment. This one-off custom would be the perfect addition for the collector who has it all, or for a museum piece that will draw a crowd like nothing else.

The "Pod" took several months to build including 2 months of intense research and over 1000 manhours of labor to bring about a vehicle like no other on this planet. Please note that this vehicle is not street legal, however, at the buyers request it could be made street legal for a nominal fee.

ZOMG I would ride the hell out of that thing, I don't even care if it's street legal. And I'm not just saying that so I could finally wear my, "If you can read this Robin fell off and I miss his wiener by my butt" shirt either, but it is collecting dust in the closet.

Hit the jump for a bunch more pics, including some with chicks in bikinis -- just like real motorcycle magazines!

Continue Reading " DO WANT: Batpod Replica For Sale On eBay "

May 21 2010 Another Day, Another Creepy-Ass Monster

A deceased monster was found floating in an Ontario lake earlier this week. The only thing is, it's not a monster. It's just some dead-ass animal that's had the hair gnawed off it's face by ornery beavers or some shit.

The unsightly critter was spotted in Big Trout Lake by two nurses walking their dog earlier this month. The animal is about 30 centimetres long and has a rat-like tail with "almost a human face," says the community's website.

"Almost a human face"?! You have got to have the ugliest friends on the gotdamn planet.

Some residents of Big Trout Lake, an Oji-Cree community of 1,200 south of Hudson Bay, believe the animal is a rare local creature known as an omajinaakoos, which roughly translates to "ugly one".

Some local elders in the community, which is also known as Kitchenuhmaykoosib Inninuwug, believe the animal is a messenger of bad news.

"No one knows what it is but our ancestors used to call it the Ugly One. Rarely seen but when seen, it's a bad omen. Something bad will happen according to our ancestors," the community's website says.

Listen: I've dated some real monsters in my life, and this isn't one. This is just an otter. A bear otter. Yes, a bear otter. Which are 100% real. DON'T YOU GOOGLE MY AUTHORITY!

Hit the jump for another shot of the beast.

Continue Reading " Another Day, Another Creepy-Ass Monster "

May 21 2010 HOME RAWRN!: Dino Thows First Pitch

Note: Video is after the jump because that's where it feels the most comfortable. Me? I like sitting on the john or laying in the shower.

This is a video of a dinosaur throwing the first pitch at a Memphis Redbirds game. As you can see, the stadium was jam-packed for the event. Kidding, there's nobody there. Maybe everybody thought the game started later. Like tomorrow. Whatever the case, I want to be on the dino's team. I don't even care who's pitching and who's catching, just as long as we make it to third base. COME HERE, YOU!

Hit the jump for the action.

Continue Reading " HOME RAWRN!: Dino Thows First Pitch "

May 21 2010 Newborns Can Learn In Their Sleep (Plus Cry And Crap Their Pants When They're Awake!)

The future supervillain in the picture aside, a new study reports that babies are more gooder at learnin' thangs than previously thought and can even do it in they sleeps. Suck it, proper English! THIS BLOGGER MAKES HIS OWN RULES.

A new study has found that newborns are capable of a rudimentary form of learning while they're asleep, which may be an important process, considering that infants spend between 16 to 18 hours a day in the land of Nod.

Researchers recruited one- and two-day-old infants for the study, published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences. With each sleeping baby, the researchers played a musical tone and followed that by a puff of air to the eyes, a mild annoyance that caused the infant to automatically scrunch up its eyes. As this sequence of events was repeated, the sleeping babies learned to associate the air puff with the tone, and soon began to to tighten their eyelids as soon as they heard the musical note, even if the air puff didn't follow. Electrodes stuck to their scalps also showed activity in the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in memory.

Further investigation is required to determine if blowing air in sleeping baby's faces increases the likelihood of becoming psychopathic killers in adulthood, but you don't need stupid experiments to prove sound logic.

Newborn Babies Learn While They're Asleep [discover]

Thanks to Andy, who learned everything he needed to by six-months.

May 21 2010 Happy Birthday: Pac-Man Google Homepage

As you may or may not know, tomorrow (May 22nd) is Pac-Man's 30th birthday. And what better way to celebrate than embedding a playable version of the game on Google's homepage? I can think of one. Drinking till we puke dots. What do you say, Pac? CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! *BLAAAAAAAARH!* Bro you should really chew those ghosts next time.

Pac-Man on Wikipedia
and
Google

Thanks to Fally, Mandy F, hey GW - did you SEE GOOGLE TODAY !!!!!!!, jay, mike, GingerJohn, jediGK, Billy-Bones, Liz, Mollie Ollie, Patrick, Andy, [S]d:G, Melodia, william, another liz, Willie and ViLLaiN, who all spent at least two minutes of the man's time playing. Stick it to him! Stick it good!

May 21 2010 Dating Matches: Number One, Number One!!

Oh God please don't be one of the girls.

Online Dating Fail [failblog]

Thanks to PhilRules, Justinknots, Simon, Theapexninja Guy, Matt, Spartacus, vladimir and Asgrim The Mighty, who all reviewed their matches and found at least one chick with a penis.

May 21 2010 What If: Gaming Consoles Were Buildings?

Then they'd look like this ya little dum dum! Hit the jump for PS3 and NES buildings, all of which are from artist/photographer Joseph Ford's collection, If I Were President . And while the nation is definitely in need of some console-shaped buildings, I can't help but feel a presidency could be put to better use. I'm talking about childhood obesity (I have no clue).

Hit it for the others.

Continue Reading " What If: Gaming Consoles Were Buildings? "

May 20 2010 Uh-Oh: Lab-Created DNA Powers Living Cell

Sure they may look like the sweetest pair of alien nips you've ever seen, but they're actually two bacteria cells, one of which is powered by man-made DNA. The zombie apocalypse: it nears.

The researchers copied an existing bacterial genome. They sequenced its genetic code and then used "synthesis machines" to chemically construct a copy.

Dr Venter told BBC News: "We've now been able to take our synthetic chromosome and transplant it into a recipient cell - a different organism.

"As soon as this new software goes into the cell, the cell reads [it] and converts into the species specified in that genetic code."

The new bacteria replicated over a billion times, producing copies that contained and were controlled by the constructed, synthetic DNA.

"This is the first time any synthetic DNA has been in complete control of a cell," said Dr Venter.

God must be so pissed right now.

'Artificial life' breakthrough announced by scientists [bbcnews]

Thanks to Joe, Kaz, J tothe T, Lord Tarl, Aaron, jeremy, GingerJohn, Justin, WillC, Schmaltz, james, David, Choma, Fortune and crawfy, who have all tried creating artificial life by procreating with sex dolls. ROFLWUT?!

May 20 2010 There's Nothing Okay About Chicken Cosplay

I'm sure at least half of you will openly admit you'd still hit that, and granted chickens are one of the dinosaurs' closest living relatives, but I can't help but think I'd feel ashamed if I ended up touching myself romantically to this pictu-- yep. Pretty awful.

New Fetish Alert: Asian Chicken Maid Cosplay [iambored]

Thanks to Bob, who is so into this he started a website for furries that are specifically into birds. Featheries.

May 20 2010 Emoticon Stamp: When Words Aren't Enough

Have trouble expressing yourself with words? Me too. That's why I let my fists do the talking. But for you pacifists (read: nancy boys) out there, there's this Asian style emoticon stamp you can use to embellish sexts pen pal letters or whatever the hell kids are into these days.

Designed by Ginguni for Japanese brand gung, this handmade rubber stamp will let you mass-produce endearing (at first, and then they're just freaking annoying) emoticons. We're not talking about simple smileys and sad faces here - this rubber stamp is for hardcore emoticon enthusiasts. It can stamp Japanese-style emoticons of up to 7 characters.

You can pre-order the emoticon rubber stamp from gung or from caina for ¥2,700 (approx. $29 (USD)). Orders will ship starting May 21.

Yeah, no. I don't need some damn emoticon to get my point across. (@)(o) Haha, okay I guess I do. And that was two points FYI. LARGER ONE NIP IS LARGER.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the possibilities. They're practically endless!

Continue Reading " Emoticon Stamp: When Words Aren't Enough "

May 20 2010 WTF Are You Supposed To Be? 2012 Olympic Mascots Win The Gold In Fail

London just unveiled the new mascots (Wenlock and Mandeville) for the 2012 Summer Olympics and, I don't know if you can tell from this picture or not, but they look like complete shit. What -- no Pedobear?

Two parts-Pokemon to one-part lava lamp with yellow 'Taxi' lights on their foreheads, the distinctive characters are intended to capture the imagination of children and work as well in the digital world as they will in costume form at trackside in 2012.

They are a central part of London's £70 million merchandising budget, and organisers hope the mascots will contribute up to 20 per cent of that sum through sales of T-shirts, key-rings, tea-towels and the like.

The Cyclops design allows the mascots' eyes to work as lenses, and digital cameras in the shape of the characters will be available.

Two parts-Pokemon? WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? I don't see a lick of Pokemon in either one of them. What I see is two grown-ass men in ridiculous costumes reconsidering the choices they've made in life.

Hit the jump for a wack-ass cartoon explaining the origin of the mascots.

Continue Reading " WTF Are You Supposed To Be? 2012 Olympic Mascots Win The Gold In Fail "

May 20 2010 Doing It Wrong: An Inflatable Pool For Yachts

The Magic Swim is an inflatable pool you can set up behind your yacht because you're so rich you forgot YOU'RE ALREADY FLOATING IN THE WORLD'S LARGEST POOL.

Made from durable PVC it weighs about 66 pounds when empty and can be setup with the assistance of a standard air compressor in about 5 minutes. Mesh covered holes allow the Magic Swim to fill with water once it's deployed, but also keep unwanted visitors out, and a semi-rigid floating platform in the center of the pool allows you to stand once it's completely filled with water. ~$2,250 for the large version, and ~$2,440 for the extra-large one.

Just look at that happy couple in the photo. They look like they're having a good time, don't they? Also, like they've been drinking champagne straight from the bottle. Kidding, I know what a guy with two champagne flutes up his ass looks like. This guy (New Years '06).

Magic Swim Inflatable Pool For Yachts Makes It Safe To Go Back In The Water Again [ohgizmo]

May 20 2010 Use The Fork, Luke: Star Wars Pancakes

How about that pun in the title? How about I'm really ashamed for writing it. No, no I'm not. I'm too far gone for that. Also, treatment. Just pull the plug doc. Anyway, $20 Star Wars pancake molds from Williams Sonoma.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, a Jedi Kitchen Master created an epic breakfast to unleash the power of his Jedi Padawan. Using the Force™, he created three nonstick steel pancake molds in honor of his favorite galactic heroes and villains: Yoda™, Darth Vader™ and a stormtrooper™. Our Star Wars molds couldn't be easier to use. Just place them with their handles up on a preheated griddle then pour in your batter. After the first side has set, remove the molds and flip the pancakes. Serve a stack drenched in your favorite syrup - and let the adventures begin.

Yes, let the adventure begin. There's nothing more exciting than departing on an epic pancake cruise. You can even add berries for fake brains! Or chocolate chips for fake shit for brains. Or Drano if you hate your family!

Hit the jump for one more shot of the molds and a link to the product site.

Continue Reading " Use The Fork, Luke: Star Wars Pancakes "

May 20 2010 I'm Too Drunk To Read That: Pop Quiz Clock

Sure I SHOULD be able to read the time even without solving the equations, but that wouldn't be giving the booze enough credit. One time I set the kitchen on fire because I couldn't figure out how long to put a 5-minute meal in the microwave (I opted for 2 hours). Joking, I passed out on the couch with the stove on, but still. The Pop Quiz clock costs $30 and makes the perfect Father's Day gift provided you don't care enough to get the ol' man something good.

Product Site
via
The clock you need an engineering degree to read [dvice]

May 20 2010 Turtle Power!: Real Ninjas Prevent Mugging

A group of would-be thieves were recently arrested after picking the wrong alley to conduct a mugging. You know, because they did it right in front of a ninja school. Master Splinter?!

The German exchange student had been targeted by the men while he was riding the late-night train home, The Sydney Morning Herald reported.

They demanded he give them his wallet but when he refused and got off the train, they followed.

They pounced as he made his way through a dark alley in Sydney's west.

They grabbed his phone and iPod and kicked him while he lay on the ground.

However, the men were spotted by a member of a nearby dojo.

Nathan Smith told his sensei and the rest of the students at Ninja Senshi Ryu and they rushed out to confront the thugs - all dressed in traditional black ninja garb.

On seeing the ninjas, the men fled, only to be later arrested by police.

Oh man, I'd like to think there's a special place in prison for robbers thwarted by ninjas. And that place is in the arms of the biggest pirate in there. Because you're his bitch.

Ninjas rescue student from muggers [heraldsun]

Thanks to Zach, Ben, a-kill, Ambrose, Patrick, Nick, Chrit, Thandorbeast, Zikomo, Marc Eagle, Elise and Roy, who can scare off robbers without ninja costumes because they're badasses. Kidding, they all carry firearms.

May 20 2010 Hooray?: World's Oldest Sex Toy Discovered

I know, I thought it was just a stone pickle too. But oh no -- it's a sex toy. My butt: you're not welcome in it.

Scientists believe they have found the world's oldest sex toy after piecing together more than a dozen fragments to create a 30,000 year old ice age penis.

A spokesman for the University of Tubingen where the prehistoric tool is being studied added that when it was not being used as a sex aid - the prehistoric penis was used to light fires.

The eight-inch stone penis has marks where it was clearly used for striking against flints - and scientists say the size and shape and polished appearance leave little doubt as to the other use of the sex toy.

LOLWUT?! A dildo that doubles as a fire-starter? That sounds dangerous (FIRE IN THE HOLE!). What, were there not enough rocks to go around? Because that's some serious dual-purposing. And speaking of which: buttplug sink stoppers.

Worlds oldest sex toy [austriantimes]

Thanks to lil co., who just learned me why they make the handles of hairbrushes so phallic.

May 19 2010 Screw Copyrights: More Action Figure Ripoffs

From the second installment of cheap action figure ripoffs come GaoRanger DinoThunder: hands down the awesomest thing I've ever heard in my entire life, and I've heard angels doing it. Kidding, it was actually the heavyset couple upstairs and it sounded like they were gonna crash through my ceiling LIKE A CHOIR FROM HEAVEN. I recorded it. It's my ringtone.

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more ripoffs.

Continue Reading " Screw Copyrights: More Action Figure Ripoffs "

May 19 2010 Pure Awesome: LEGO Beach Scene Tattoo

This is somebody's back. Somebody's back covered with a tattoo of a LEGO beach scene. It's a lot like a picture of a hand drawing a hand if you really think about it. Except nothing like that. It's more like the Mona Lisa.

LEGO Beach Scene Boozin' Up Back Tattoo [obviouswinner]

May 19 2010 Eye Candy: Crazy 3-D Mapped 'Sensory Box'

Note: Video of the get really high first is after the jump.

This is a very worthwhile video of some room with a bunch of blocks in it that have been video-mapped and then projected with some crazy-ass eye candy. No, not just candy -- bacon. CANDIED BACON. Yes, candied f***ing eye bacon. Per Babelfish translation from French:

ENVISION: Step into the sensory box. Under this name hides the immersive experiment offered by ALCATEL-LUCENT to its customers at the time of the last Mobile World Congress. An experiment containing video mapping conceived by agency SUPERBIEN and the department New Media of the Agency \ Audience. The public was invited to enter a cube and to discover an artistic vision of the tagline of the event: Transforming the mobile experiment.

You just gotta watch it. I was so high when I did it felt like I was living in TRON. Except my lightbike was stationary and my uncle was riding it in his underwear. Wipe the seat afterward, God!

Hit it for the very worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " Eye Candy: Crazy 3-D Mapped 'Sensory Box' "

May 19 2010 Brass, Leather And Ass: Steampunk Overlord

I didn't even know what a Steampunk Overlord was until I saw these pictures. I guess it's kind of like a steampunk Genghis Khan/Iron Man mashup. Yes, exactly like that. The suit is a collaborative piece between deviantARTists Skinz-n-Hydez and SteampunkOverlord and looks like a case of tetanus waiting to happen. And now that we know what a Steampunk Overlord looks like, I'm starting to wonder what a Steampunk Underlord looks like. Kidding, I already know: crushed. Get it? Because he's an underlord. Bitch is bein' sat on like furniture!

Hit the jump for several more shots, including some close-ups of the suit.

Continue Reading " Brass, Leather And Ass: Steampunk Overlord "

May 19 2010 I See You!: Boba Fett Hiding In ESPN Logo

You see him? He's right there. The part that's squircled with the big-ass arrow pointing to it. Oh man, just imagine if Boba collected a bounty every time he had to watch you from the corner of the screen as you pleasured yourself to figure skating. Admit it -- he'd have collected at least one!

Yes, The "N" In ESPN Looks Like Boba Fett [deadspin]

Thanks to Jacob, who once got his pucks off to a hockey fight. You're not alone.

May 19 2010 DIY: Bill Gates And Steve Jobs Cartoons!

Ever wanted to make your own cartoons with Bill Gates and Steve Jobs sayin' funny-ass things to each other? Well now you can. Just head over to Sad and Useless, download the template, and speech-bubble to your buttheart's content! I even made one myself and posted it after the jump. Along with a naked picture of myself.
....
....
HOW THE F*** AM I GETTING NEGATIVE PAGE VIEWS?!

Hit the jump for another example and the one I made.

Continue Reading " DIY: Bill Gates And Steve Jobs Cartoons! "

May 19 2010 Nice Features: The Car Of The Future, Today

If it just had a chocolate milk dispenser too I'd move in today. And I'm not just saying that because I live in a van without one and can only make motor oil milk, but Optimus Prime does beg to drink my piss jugs.

Picture [imgur]
via
This car has everything we need [digg]

Thanks to Sara and ashesofthephoenix, one of which will live to rise again. Do it Sara, RISE!

May 19 2010 Grab Some Popcorn: What If The Empire Strikes Back Was A 1950's Sci-Fi Flick?

Note: Video is after the jump, not before. This isn't LOST.

Ever wonder what The Empire Strikes Back would have looked like in grainy black-and-white with super-chintzy effects? Well wonder no more, you little hard-thinker, you! This is a mashup of old sci-fi movies/shows used to create the trailer. And speaking of creating trailers: double-wides. They come in two pieces!

Here is the recipe for the trailer: Flash Gordon (Deadline at Noon, Conquers the Universe), The Phantom Planet, Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, Invasion of the Animal People, Man Beast, Lunar Walker, Golden Bat (Ogon Batto), The Mysterians, Captain Midnight, First Spaceship on Venus, The Flying Saucer, The Fighting Devil Dogs, The Outer Limits (Second Chance, Soldier, I Robot, The Sixth Finger), Things to Come, Space Patrol, Atragon, Terror in the Midnight Sun, Forbidden Planet, Rocketship X-M, Latitude Zero, Space Flight, Metropolis, The Jetsons, Devil Girl From Mars, Tobor the Great, The Alligator People, The Return of the Fly, Abominable Snowman of the Himalayas, Starman (Attack from Space), Marvel Super Heroes (Iron Man), The Cyclops, The Sea Hawk, Kings Row, Mahler Symphony No. 6, Gustav Hoists The Planets (Mars), and The Empire Strikes Back Radio Drama

If you liked the mashup the same guys also created versions of Raiders of the Lost Ark and Ghostbusters. If you didn't like the mashup you can eat shit and die.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Grab Some Popcorn: What If The Empire Strikes Back Was A 1950's Sci-Fi Flick? "

May 19 2010 Fashion Faux Pas: iShirts (Wear At Own Risk)

iStyle Originals is a line of iNamedThings inspired "clothing and apparel for the iGeneration". Wearing them may make you look like an iHole (it's practically guaranteed).

User-friendly, wireless peer-to-peer networking softwear with dynamic real-time text interface. Local area network enabled and easy to read high-definition display communicates over large areas. Expandable fiber-based platform.

Technical Specifications

• 100% pre-shrunk cotton.
• Tagless design.
• Available in black only.

System Requirements

• Arms 2.0.
• Torso or similar display.
• Compatible local area network.

They have adult, kid and dog-sized shirts and almost everything costs $20. Head over to the store if you're interested. Or don't, I don't care. I mean I'm not the one printing the shirts. But I am the one who's been printing fake $10's, so keep an eye out for the Secret Service Xeroxing their ass and leaving copies by the water cooler.

Official Site

Thanks to Amanda, who probably won't be sending me any more product info in the future.

May 18 2010 Every Bart Simpson Blackboard Quote

London-based marketing firm Work Club apparently has every Bart Simpson blackboard quote in one easy, pannable, zoomable piece of Flash. Suck it, iPads. Suck up all that blue liquid!

Hit the link to read them all yourself.

Blackboard [workclub]

Thanks to nerdyAlien, who's even more socially awkward than regular aliens.

May 18 2010 Facebook Creator Laughs At Your Trust

Seen here with a girl (shocking, I know. I guess $4 billion still goes a long way EVEN IF YOU ARE A MODERN SCREECH), Mark Zuckerberg was apparently amazed by early Facebook users' willingness to provide the website with personal details, even going as far as to call them 'dumb f***s'. According to a 2004 instant message exchange released by Business Insider:

Zuck: Yeah so if you ever need info about anyone at Harvard

Zuck: Just ask.

Zuck: I have over 4,000 emails, pictures, addresses, SNS

[Redacted Friend's Name]: What? How'd you manage that one?

Zuck: People just submitted it.

Zuck: I don't know why.

Zuck: They "trust me"

Zuck: Dumb f***s

Oh snap! Now that's a business model I can get behind. Right, idiots? Right, you stupid goatblowers? *sits back and waits for the money to roll in* Yep, aaaaany minute now.

Facebook founder called trusting users dumb f*cks [theregister]
and
Geekologie's Facebook Fan Page (I'm gonna steal your info and buy a car!)

Thanks Superficial Writer (I peed in your desk drawers while you were on break).

May 18 2010 You've Got To Be F***ing Kidding Me: iPhone Ranked Number 8 Of 100 Greatest Inventions

Because people are stupid as hell, plus dumb, times I'm so ashamed to be human right now, a recent study of 4,000 morons landed the iPhone in 8th place of the world's most important inventions. Like, the most important inventions EVER. Including jetpacks and lasers. *facepalm*

The Apple iPhone has been voted a more important invention than the combustion engine and space travel.

Lance Batchelor, of Tesco Mobile, which carried out the nationwide research among 18-65 year-olds, said: "All of the inventions included in this list have changed the world forever.

"Whether it be something as small as a paper clip, to something which changed the face of the universe like the combustion engine, these amazing feats have all been recognised as truly great.

"It's amazing to see how much the iPhone is valued, sitting alongside inventions such as Penicillin in people's perceptions and being declared a more important invention than miracle gadgets of their own time, such as the compass."

I posted the whole top 100 after the jump, so make sure to go scope out all the ridiculousness. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go drink until I can't feel anything.

Hit the jump for the whole list.

Continue Reading " You've Got To Be F***ing Kidding Me: iPhone Ranked Number 8 Of 100 Greatest Inventions "

May 18 2010 ZOMGOGGLES!: All LEGO Pac-Man Arcade

This is a tabletop Pac-Man game made entirely out of LEGO blocks. Except for the electronics, those were made from sugar and spice and everything nice. Or are they snips and snails and puppy dog tails?? Neither moron, they're metal and plastic.

Aside from the obvious electronics, everything is LEGO. It uses a Jamma 48-1 board to play a variety of 80's arcade game including Pac-Man, Donky Kong, Space Invaders and many more.

No LEGO pieces were cut or altered to make this.

I'm not even gonna lie, I'm impressed. And I'm not just saying that because I plan on smashing the back out and stealing all the quarters, but I'm not standing here with a hammer just because it looks good. It really does though. Go on, take a picture. That'll be $5. I HAVE A HAMMER.

Hit the jump for a couple shots of the innards and a video of the impressiveness in action.

Continue Reading " ZOMGOGGLES!: All LEGO Pac-Man Arcade "

May 18 2010 A Pocketwatch From The Future: Kisai Round

Are you fancy pants? Do you wear white gloves and a monocle? Jesus you must look ridiculous. But not if you're rocking Tokyoflash's Kisai Round Trip Pocket Watch (kidding, you still 100% will). You see, it's a pocket watch from the future. Just kidding, it's from Japan. Which, let's be honest, WOULD be the future if they'd cut out all the robot shit. I SAID KNOCK IT OFF.

Touch the button and a programmed animation will ignite from beneath the smoked screen before the time is displayed. The time is shown with flashing lights; orange LEDs show hours in the inner ring in the same position as hours on a clock face. Blue LEDs show minutes in the outer ring in groups of 3 in the same position as minutes on a clock face - ideal for reading the approximate time instantly. Green LEDs show two single minutes at the bottom of the display.

The $73 timepiece is available now and is USB rechargeable (3.5 hour charge for ~1 month of use). I just bought one to compliment my chained wallet. Which -- are those still in? It's cool, you can me if they're not. What?! I CHOKE YOU!

Hit the jump for more product shots, including a few examples of different times.

Continue Reading " A Pocketwatch From The Future: Kisai Round "

May 18 2010 Iron Woman, Complete With Arc Reactor

Did you rush out to see 'Iron Man II' this weekend? I did not. As many of you may know, I've been banned from my local theater for sneaking in a Double Big Gulp of jungle juice and tearing through the screen at the premier of 'Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs'. F*** those meatballs looked good. My completely unwarranted night in jail aside, this is Iron Woman showing off her arc reactor. Sure it might just be a mirror with a little ship's wheel glued to it, but that's not giving her enough credit. Is it, Iron Woman? Now back to work -- these khakis aren't gonna un-wrinkle themselves.

Suffers From A Broken Heart [hawtness]

Thanks to pstone, which I have before and it felt like giving birth through my wiener.

May 18 2010 Looks Safe To Me: The Scooter Stroller

Ever wanted to accidentally push your child into traffic? Enter the Roller Buggy.

...according to designer Valentin Vodev, a lot of care and safety concerns were taken into consideration when it was designed. In addition to an extra safety belt on the child seat, the Roller Buggy also features a set of hydraulic disc brakes on the front two wheels allowing the speed to be easily reduced at any time.

The Roller Buggy can also be transformed into a standard push stroller for use in places where scooting is frowned upon, and while I'm sure there will be plenty of uproar over child safety if this somehow ever becomes available for sale, with a little common sense it seems like a faster and generally more entertaining alternative way to get around with your little one.

A little common sense?! A little common sense is not buying a stroller/scooter hybrid if you care about the well-being of your child. Now a stroller/skateboard combo, that's just good parenting. I'm talking award-winning good.

Hit the jump for a couple shots of the OH SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE?! in action.

Continue Reading " Looks Safe To Me: The Scooter Stroller "

May 18 2010 Doubles As Weapon: World Of Warcraft Stein

We've already seen several World of Warcraft booze receptacles here on Geekologie (including the Tankard O' Terror), but LOOK OUT -- here comes another! Haha, you thought I was going to throw something, didn't you? I was. Lightning bolt! Lightning bolt! Anyway, the World of Warcraft Dragonflights beer stein.

• Panoramic image of all five incredible Dragon Aspects.
• Artwork by amazing World of Warcraft illustrator James Zhang.
• Superior quality fine-grain stoneware with solid pewter sculpted lid.

Handcrafted in the Old-World style with fine-grain stoneware by the world-renowned stein artisans of Ceramarte, our limited-production steins feature panoramic, bas-relief sculpting of exclusive artwork by top World of Warcraft visionaries. Each exquisite stein stands over 10" (25.4 cm) tall, weighs a hefty 3 lbs. (1.36 kg.), and is topped with a sculpted pewter lid.

I've never actually drank out of a stein before but I've always wanted to. I have drank on a cross-country flight though, and let me tell you: boy are my arms tired! Get it? From flailing around when the flight attendants tried restraining me!

Hit the jump for a couple more product shots.

Continue Reading " Doubles As Weapon: World Of Warcraft Stein "

May 18 2010 Wait, What?: Windows 7 Restaurants

Apparently Microsoft Taiwan, in cooperation with MSG, has opened a chain of Windows 7 themed restaurants, confusingly called 'Hot Fried 77'. Mmmm, deep fried GMILFS!

...for the next two months, Microsoft is working with the 100 Seafood Restaurant to introduce a special Windows 7 menu. The deal means that each dish is going for $77 Taiwan Dollars ($2.50), with Windows 7 beer on offer too.

Okay well now it sounds that there's just a Microsoft-themed menu at existing 100 Seafood Restaurants, and not actually new Windows restaurants. Either way, [insert Windows server joke here]. No? FINE. [Insert joke about viral marketing giving you food poisoning].

Hit the jump for a shot for two sexy Windows 7 servers and a bunch of guys with woks.

Continue Reading " Wait, What?: Windows 7 Restaurants "

May 17 2010 Saving Lives With Sexiness: Sexy CPR

Note: Video of the life-saving information is after the jump. You should watch it if you care about your friends and family and don't want them to die.

This is a video called Super Sexy CPR. It's a CPR tutorial performed by two womens in the lingerie. It's actually a commercial for some bra and panty company though (suck it, Victoria, I know your secret!), but I'm still counting it as my personal public service announcement for the day. Because I care. About the titties. DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!

Hit the jump to get your medical learn on.

Continue Reading " Saving Lives With Sexiness: Sexy CPR "

May 17 2010 Periodic Table Of Superhero Characteristics

Note: Not even an ant could read that little-ass chart so do yo eyeballs a delicious flavor and CLICK RIGHT HERE to see it in giganto-vision.

This is a periodic table created by ComicsAlliance senior writer Chris Sims describing 84 different characteristics of superheroes. You can use it to describe superheroes in the style of chemical formulas.

For instance: Superman comes out as: OAFSISpVxVhSn

Wolverine can be represented as XWxHSn

Poison Ivy is, of course, Iv

And Legion of Super-Heroes wannabe Arm-Fall-Off Boy is simply Af.

Neato. Me? I'm a SRcScVxTcGFmKfTlLgAgIlVGrUIsTGeAnEyGt. What are you? I mean, besides jealous. PEW PEW superpowers!

The Periodic Table Of Super-Powers [comicsalliance]

Thanks to Personal Robot Jesus, who saves and slays with equal dexterity.

May 17 2010 Let's Try It On Your Arm!: Alligator Loppers

Two chainsaw posts in a row, you all know what that means. WEE-WOO, WEE-WOO, WEE-WOO!! Blue-light special in the power tools department!

I swear these things have been around forever but Black and Decker's $80 Alligator Lopper has been making its rounds on the internet the past few days, probably because it has an alligator head printed on the blade. That's crazy! What's also crazy is that it's electric-powered instead of gas. WEAK CHOPPER PEENER LOPPER IS WEAK.

A 4.5 amp electric motor and a wide set of jaws allows the Alligator Lopper to chew through a branch up to 4 inches thick like it was a wounded gazelle's hind leg, and the clamping action ensures it won't let go until it's all the way through.

God, I used to have an electric chainsaw. I was the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood. Whenever we'd have block parties all the other guys would make me drink wine coolers. WINE COOLERS! Those things are like 2% alcohol and taste like f***ing heaven.

Black & Decker's Alligator Lopper Is The Awesomest Pair Of Scissors I've Ever Seen [ohgizmo]

May 17 2010 Geekologie Reader Makes Zombie Chainsaw

Geekologie Reader and tattoo artist Jak went and decorated a chainsaw with some extra zombie-killing flair. Because Jak doesn't just want to cut the heads off zombies, Jak wants to look f***ing good cutting the heads off zombies.

I'm a tattoo artist in Anchorage, Alaska. I did the Raptor Jesus tattoo you had on here a while back. Here's another creation I thought you'd like. I took a $70 chainsaw and painted it up so I'd look good fightin' zeds. Hope you like it!

Nice Jak, you're gonna be the best looking zombie killer out there. Well, besides me. Not to brag or anything but I DO wear a zombie slayer's kilt (+5 breezy crotch). Just sayin', you ever teabagged a zombie with no underwear on before? Not if you still have balls you haven't! (They can still bite is the thing)

Hit the jump for several more shots along with some links to high-res shots because I love you so much and want to have your babies (but not really. No babies in this ass, thank you).

Continue Reading " Geekologie Reader Makes Zombie Chainsaw "

May 17 2010 Finish Him!: Sesame Street Fighter Mashup

Let me guess: you haven't even read this and you've already left a comment complaining 'Finish Him!' is from Mortal Kombat and not Street Fighter? You called me a tool too? Awesome. Me knowing you all too well aside, this is a gallery of Sesame Street/Muppet/Street Fighter characters all mashed up. They were all created by deviantARTist gavacho13. Have I told you it's always been a dream of mine to see Miss Piggy dressed up as Chun Li? Because it has been. Now if he'd just done one of Grover as Cammy I could die happy. Get those furry blue buttcheeks in my eyeballs!

Hit the jump for a bunch more.

Continue Reading " Finish Him!: Sesame Street Fighter Mashup "

May 17 2010 Adobe Vs. Apple, The Advertisements

This is a print ad created by Adobe taking a stab at Apple's lack of Flash support. Apple's (fake) response is after the jump, and it's exactly what you think it'll be. Seriously, just take a second to think of the joke (similar to this one), and then hit the jump and feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing you were right. Unless you were wrong, in which case I've got some Flash support for you right here! See? It's a popsicle stick (I tie it to my wiener to keep it straight when flashing cars from an overpass). Honk if you're horny calling the police!

Hit it for the LOLs (but not really. There's not even a single L)

Continue Reading " Adobe Vs. Apple, The Advertisements "

May 17 2010 Divorce!: Robot Officiates Japanese Wedding

Apparently a Japanese couple tied the knot over the weekend with a robot presiding over the wedding. That's, uh, that's a terrible idea if I've ever heard one.

The I-Fairy normally spends its time doling out directions in museums and the like, but Satoko Inoue, who is herself an employee of Kokoro, wanted it at her wedding. "I always felt that robots would become more integrated into people's everyday lives," the bride said. "This cute robot is part of my company, I decided that I would love to have it at my ceremony."

Tomohiro Shibato, the groom, is a professor of robotics and has quite a bit to thank the I-Fairy for: "It's true that robots are what caused us to first begin going out, and as suggested by my wife, we decided that we wanted to try this sort of wedding."

Apparently it's all official, too, though maybe that's because the I-Fairy was controlled by a human operator during the wedding.

Official, oschmishal. No robot wedding is legal tender at my bank. Just because the thing was controlled by a human you think it's legit? Well you're wrong. If that was the case people could get married by anything controlled by humans. Including the weather. You think the government doesn't have rain lasers? They've got that shit.

Hit the jump for a video of the carnage.

Continue Reading " Divorce!: Robot Officiates Japanese Wedding "

May 17 2010 Bad Printer!: I Always Knew They Were Evil

Listen printer: if you even think about initiating a robot uprising I'll pull your plug and beat you with the cord so badly you'll wish you never learned to collate. Stop laughing, fax machine -- I'll paper jam your ass till you're drunk-dialing sex lines begging for mercy.

Picture

Thanks to Oliver, Evan, Patrick, tom and whoever else sent me this but didn't include the words, "uprising", "robot apocalypse", "printer" or "we're all gonna die" in the text. Sorry, I searched. I really did.

May 17 2010 Typing With Toys: LEGO Keyboard Decals

Etsy seller openandclose is selling a $15 set of keyboard decals that -- get this -- make the look like LEGO blocks. Admittedly, I actually kind of want them.

Do you want to let your keyboard special?

With the high quality printing, our creative sticker will make your MacBook the new home to her.

I don't actually know if I want to let my keyboard special. I mean, my keyboard already IS pretty special. Aren't you, KB? KB?! STOP. LICKING. THE. MONITOR.

Hit the jump for a shot of what a whole keyboard looks like and another link to the product page.

Continue Reading " Typing With Toys: LEGO Keyboard Decals "

May 15 2010 Nintendo, Uh, Sounds Pretty Successful

This is an informational graphic about Nintendo's recent successes with the Wii and DS. Impressive, Nintendo. But did you know I'VE had some recent success myself? That's right folks, I brought a lady home last night. I'm serious, she's still in the trunk.

Nintendo By the Numbers [1up]

Thanks to Mike Tyson, who once punched a hole in the space-time continuum. God, that was a mess.

May 15 2010 Say Goodbye To Crying!: The Onion Bully

The Onion Bully is a metal shoehorn you put in your mouth while cutting onions that's supposed to prevent you from crying. Plus you look cool. Really cool.

The power of the Onion Bully™ is tear science. When you put the Onion Bully™ in your mouth, it actually tells your body to turn off your tear ducts so you can't cry!

Tear science? I practically invented it. Wanna help me with an experiment? Awesome. Now you stand still while I kick you in the balls. *WOOPF* Are you crying? Success. I smell a Nobel prize!

Hit the jump for a 2:00 commercial. It's pretty convincing (I bought two).

Continue Reading " Say Goodbye To Crying!: The Onion Bully "

May 15 2010 Cousin It, Is That You?: Reverse Profiles

This is a picture of two people with the images of their profiles reversed. It's a terrible misuse of Photoshop and I don't like it. Not one bit. I don't care if the chick has tits on her back, she's giving me nightmares. And, if I play my cards right, a hug.

Reversed Profiles Are the Next Photoshop Weirdness [gizmodo]

May 14 2010 Yow Yow!: Disney Ladies In Sexy Comic Style

This is a gallery of female Disney characters imagined as sexy comic book characters by artist J. Scott Campbell. Let's see -- yep that's pretty much all I've got. Besides, oh I don't know, boner boner boner! Oh yeah, GW, you've still got it.

Hit the jump for a bunch more of the you know you'd hit it EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE JUST DRAWINGS PLUS ONE'S ACTUALLY A VILLAIN, GOD.

Yes those are penis carriage windows.

Continue Reading " Yow Yow!: Disney Ladies In Sexy Comic Style "

May 14 2010 Revenge Is Sweet Itchy: Mail-Order Pubic Lice

I have no idea if this is real or not although I suspect not, but I've gotten the tip so many times I figured I'd go ahead and post it, effectively cutting the number of times I get it in the future nearly in half. Anyway, some website is selling pubic lice you can order online and sprinkle in your ex-girlfriend's (or sister's) car window. Or something. (My eyes hurt and I'm tired of reading)

We sell you crabs to give to your ex-girlfriend or whoever has pissed you off enough to make you seek revenge on them.. If you want a method of revenge that doesn't involve permanent damage, risk of personal injury or jail time, you have come to the right place.

• If you have ever had an ex cheat on you and break your heart......
• If you have ever punched above your weight and found yourself being taken for granted........
• If you have ever been hurt physically or emotionally by someone who didn't deserve your love or friendship in the first place............
• If you've ever found yourself on the receiving end of a cruel joke........

Admittedly pubic lice is a pretty classy revenge, but like the saying goes, "revenge is a dish best with a knife in the back while you laugh hysterically". Which is how I do it. Kidding, I wouldn't do that. *stab* BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Not so 'FIRST!' now, are you? ARE YOU?!

Crab Revenge

Thanks to Kitty, rayne, GingerJohn, dabZILLA, Phyo, Duck Butter, Comfort Eagle, i'd rather send pubic lobsters, Josh, kary, junkyard cat, Christian, Butterfly skull, Ron_Jeremy, Blaqk Panda and Cogen!, who don't get mad, they get even hire hitmen.

May 14 2010 WANT: A Womapa-Skin Rug Just Like The One Luke Makes Love On In Front Of A Fire

Available for pre-order now, this $100 Wompa-skin rug is just like the one Luke Skywalker beds (or rugs) alien chicks on at his ski chalet on Hoth.

This unique StarWarsShop shared exclusive is sure to be the center of attention for any room in your home, the Wampa Rug is the Star Wars take on the classic "bear rug"! Made from high-quality synthetic fur and featuring a plush pillow head, vinyl claws and a non-stick backing. Measures 62-inches long x 30-inches wide!

The rugs ship August 25th and are sure to seal the deal with any girl who isn't sure if she should sleep with you or not. Get it? Because she won't.

Hit the jump for three more product shots and a link to the buy page.

Continue Reading " WANT: A Womapa-Skin Rug Just Like The One Luke Makes Love On In Front Of A Fire "

May 14 2010 The Future: Furniture Made Out Of Lasers

Unfortunately the couch feels a lot like the floor and I spilled six beers in a row trying to set them on the coffee table. Did I mention the television only gets The Blinding Channel? It's my favorite.

the london-based art and design practice united visual artist recently presented a series of light installation titled 'speed of light'. the project was commissioned by virgin media to commemorate the tenth anniversary of broadband in the UK. the project was installed in the victorian bargehouse on london's south bank and made use of 148 lasers spread across six rooms. UVA used the beam of light that travels along optical fibers as the starting point for the piece. among the pieces created, UVA crafted a small sitting area that features a sofa, table and television screen made completely from laser beams.

Lasers: I love them. In the future scientists will discover how to trap plasma between bands of lasers and pew pew couches will finally become reality. And on that day, oh boy, on that day. I'll have been dead for at least 200 years.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the exhibit.

Continue Reading " The Future: Furniture Made Out Of Lasers "

May 14 2010 What Seperates Humans From Other Animals

Sure you could argue it's the opposable thumbs or variety of humorously named sexual positions we've invented, but you'd be wrong. We're the only one working hard at making ourselves obsolete. Which, I should note, is different from extinct. I'm looking at you, lemmings. Kidding, lemmings don't blindly jump off cliffs like you think. That's just an old wives' tale. The one about me being the world's greatest lover is not.

HUMANS [verydemotivational]

Thanks to Nathan, who's working hard at staying relevant. Well you've already got Tila Tequila beat.

May 14 2010 What If?: You Could Photoshop Real Life

The world would be an awesomer place, that's what. I might even appear handsome for once. And by handsome I obviously mean invisible and hunched in a corner of the women's locker room. Hey -- if you're gonna dream, dream big (last night I dreamed I had sex with a mermaid and woke up in a flooding bathtub with my peener caught in the drain). Ambien's the shit!

Henry Hadlow's Portfolio
via
Real Life Photoshop [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Christopher Cumulonimbus, who discovered Cloud City.

May 14 2010 Money Can't Buy Class: Ridiculous Gold iPad

Have a spare $189,000 lying around? I'll f***ing kill you. Twice if you buy a solid gold iPad.

UK-based luxury gadget designer Stuart Hughes has come to the rescue with a solid gold, diamond-encrusted version of Apple's "magical" and "revolutionary" tablet.

The price is £129,995, or approximately $189,125, for a 3G iPad with 53 flawless diamonds on the Apple logo and a casing of solid 22ct gold. Even if you're willing to dish out this much money for a tablet, keep its weight in mind -- the device is 2.1kg, or approximately 4.4 pounds, due to all of that gold.

I couldn't be any more disgusted right now. And I'm not just saying that because the dog ripped a squirty one and I'm afraid there might be some solids on the couch, but will you look for me? I'm scared to.

Product Page
via
iPad Made of Gold Will Set You Back $189,000 [mashable]

Thanks to The Leprechaun, who TELL ME WHERE THE GOLD IS DAMMIT!

May 14 2010 No Soda Can Is Safe: THE MINI CANNON

Note: Video is after the jump.

This is a little video of a mini cannon that's scarcely bigger than my wiener but packs an awful punch. Well, not an actual punch -- it's a cannon not a fist silly! Hit the jump to see the thing destroying a soda can, light bulb and beer mug, shot precariously close to a computer monitor (smart thinking). It's pretty impressive, but nowhere near as impressive as the time I made my roommate swallow a handful of BB's. He shot out the light in his ceiling fan masturbating.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " No Soda Can Is Safe: THE MINI CANNON "

May 14 2010 Desperate Times Call For Desperate Measures: Tweeting For Toilet Paper

If there's one rule for number two, it's to make sure there's toilet paper in the stall before going. Also, try to minimize splashback.

naika_tei is a Twitter user and anime song DJ in Tokyo. Last week, he found himself stranded in the third floor toilet of an electronics store in Akihabara with a soiled ass and no toilet paper. So he sent out this tweet: "[Urgently needed] toilet paper in the 3rd floor toilet of Akiba Yodobashi." Five minutes later, he sent another desperate tweet.

18 minutes later, he sends another tweet saying: "The toilet paper arrived safely! Thank you very much!" Hooray for helpful Twitter followers!

Wow. I would have just waddled into the lady's room with my pants around my ankles, honking like a penguin. You know, LIKE A NORMAL DAMN PERSON.

Desperate man in electronics store toilet tweets for paper [boingboing]

Thanks to Alan, who claims he would have just wiped with paper money. And, if he ran out of that, his smart phone.

May 14 2010 Keeping It Classy: ATM Dispenses Gold Bars

Because finding a rich person with class is like finding a bum with clean underwear that toots diamond dust, there are now ATMs that dispense gold bars.

Abu Dhabi's top hotel is upping the ante in the race for Gulf glitz: adding a gold-dispensing machine.

The ATM-style kiosk in the Emirates Palace monitors the daily gold price and offers small bars up to 10 grams or coins with customized designs.

It's the idea of a German entrepreneur, Thomas Geissler, who began testing the cash-for-gold machines in his native country in 2009. The Abu Dhabi debut on Wednesday is billed as the first international foray for Geissler's "Gold to Go" brand.

Seriously, this is what we've come to? What ever happened to hens that lay golden eggs? I swear, rich people piss me off so bad. Unless you are, in which case I think you're the cat's meow camel's hump. Be my sugar daddy?

Hit the jump for a video of the POS.

Continue Reading " Keeping It Classy: ATM Dispenses Gold Bars "

May 13 2010 Sorcery, SORCERY! Magic Balls Illusion

Note: Due to harmful levels of black magic, video is after the jump. Do not watch if you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant if I do a card trick.

This is a little demonstration of the dark arts in the form of an optical illusion. Or, as I like to call them, devil eye tricks.

This simple yet confounding model was named the Illusion of the Year by the Meiji Institute for Advanced Study of Mathematical Sciences, Japan.

This kind of optical illusion, which I named "Impossible Motion", was discovered in my engineering research for machine interpretation of line drawings. In order to check the behavior of my software, I gave what are called "pictures of impossible objects" as the input expecting the software to judge them impossible. However, my software sometimes interprets "pictures of impossible objects" as actual solids, from which I found that some of "pictures of impossible objects" are not impossible; they can be constructed although general angles are used where they look rectangular.

Well, what did you think? Pretty neat, huh? I thought so. Of course, I could tell exactly what was going from the very beginning. Bruce Willis' character was already dead!

Hit it for the video (complete with visual explanation).

Continue Reading " Sorcery, SORCERY! Magic Balls Illusion "

May 13 2010 Why Your Heart Hurts: A Mini Donut Machine

The $20 Mini Donut Factory may look identical to the Mini Cupcake Maker, but the similarities stop there! No, no they don't either. They're the same machine with a different insert. One makes cupcake shapes, the other buttholes. Both will make you fat if used in excess. It's true, I've only had the cupcake baker for a month now and you can already make two whole babies with the extra weight I've put on my ass. Hairy little devils too.

Hit the jump for a video of the baking excitement.

Continue Reading " Why Your Heart Hurts: A Mini Donut Machine "

May 13 2010 What If?: Internet Browsers Were Womens

This is old so you may have already seen it. And if so, congratulations, you just earned a gold ribbon in the internet. Please print out and mail 10 proofs of 'FIRST!', 20 comments completely unrelated to the subject, and 10 more calling the person who did post 'FIRST' a dickbag, along with a homemade bomb to:

I'll be mailing your prize back in a package that looks nearly identical to the one you sent me. Make sure to open it with your face.

If browsers were women [sharenator]

Thanks to Skylar, who actually gets a real prize for sending the tip. No, not really.

May 13 2010 Hands Down The Best Wedding DJ EVER

Note: Don't even read what I wrote, just go watch the video after the jump.

This is a video of the best wedding DJ that's ever existed. I mean, the man doesn't just play songs, HE PERFORMS. It's f***ing amazing. I just called and booked him every day for the rest of my life.

Skip the buffet, you're gonna want to see this.

Continue Reading " Hands Down The Best Wedding DJ EVER "

May 13 2010 Learnin' The ABCs: Now With More Wolverine

Note: That's only A-F there, so click HERE to see a high-res shot of all 28 letters.

I remember when I learned my ABC's all we had were a bunch of creepy anthropomorphic letters that talked and shit. Damn those guys were skeazy (G even tried touching my butt once during nap-time). Anyway, now kids can learn the alphabet the fun way thanks to deviantARTist Sean Gordon Murphy's 'The Wolverine ABCs'.

I know I messed with a lot of your characters as I redesigned almost each one of them with my contemporary outlook. I know that I wrinkled a few noses, so thanks for bearing with me and being polite enough not to raise too much of a stink.

Wait -- what do you mean people were polite enough to not raise a stink and bear with you? On the internet? The same internet I'm on?! Jesus, you know how many emails I'm gonna get calling me a retard for saying there were 28 letters in the alphabet? Tens. Of thousands.

Seangordonmurphy's deviantART

Thanks to keith, who's gonna draw an erotic alphabet. It's basically gonna look like a bunch of penises doing yoga.

May 13 2010 Do Not Want: Massive Creepy Spider Orgy

Note: Video is after the jump to protect the arachnophobic from having heart attacks and/or soiling their office chairs.

Afraid of spiders? You should watch this video. It's basically some kind of ungodly spider orgy on a tree. Which, fun fact: is an actual ingredient is some level-80 witch's elixirs. And so is the penis of a blogger. Come get it, witches!*

*GW cannot be held responsible for potions that fail to satisfy.

Hit it for your worst nightmare.

Continue Reading " Do Not Want: Massive Creepy Spider Orgy "

May 13 2010 Freebies!: Get Portal Free Now Till May 24th

If you haven't played Portal now's your chance to do it for free. Valve is giving away free downloads of the hit from now until May 24th. All you have to do is go to THIS WEBSITE and click that big-ass red button. Before you know it you'll be jumping through holes and coming out other ones with the promise of complimentary cake. But don't be fooled, SPOILER ALERT: there is no cake. I did make sweet, sweet love to my companion cube though. Yeah, we're in love.

Official Website

Thanks to Darken, GingerJohn, injectlove, rmtcts and snowman, who once Portal'd their way into the women's restroom but got stuck in a stall listening to a woman who ate bad Chinese flap her o-ring.

May 13 2010 Vintage Star Wars 'Scout Walker Command Tower' Clubhouse, Plus Bonus Speeder Bike!

I may not have had a Scout Walker Command Tower growing up, but I did have a Cabbage Patch playhouse with a hornet's nest inside. So yeah, take that! Besides, this thing looks dangerous. I can just see my younger self falling out of and winding up a crumpled mess in the sandbox below. And speaking of messes in the sandbox: did you know I once picked up a sand-covered cat turd in the sandbox thinking it was a toy? It's true, I did that.

Hit the jump for an awesome, super-limited edition (200-300) Speeder handbike that was only given out as a promotional item at department stores and movie theaters.

Continue Reading " Vintage Star Wars 'Scout Walker Command Tower' Clubhouse, Plus Bonus Speeder Bike! "

May 13 2010 Winnie Cooper Takes It Off For Maxim, Math

Danica McKellar, best known for the crush I had on her as Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years, is apparently some kind of math genius that writes books teaching girls how to divide and stuff. And to celebrate the release of her third book, Hot X: Algebra Exposed!, she decided to do a racy photo shoot (by 1950's standards) with Maxim magazine (now that's how you sell books). Say -- you remember when Winnie got in that car accident hanging out with the older kids and when she got back from the hospital Kevin crawled on her roof to watch her sleep? That was f***ing creepy, Kev.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots, along with a link to Maxim with even more. Plus a video!

Continue Reading " Winnie Cooper Takes It Off For Maxim, Math "

May 12 2010 Just Buy A Game Boy Already: Analog Tetris

Analog Tetris is just like the digital version except not as fun. Or portable. Plus lines don't disappear at the bottom when you fill them. It probably shouldn't even be called Tetris.

Video games are present in our lives for diversion, just like TV and computer games. But they are games which limit exercise activity to our retinas, fingers, hands, and brains.CODECO proposes that we take one of the most recognized of these games to the level of exercising muscles as well.

Basically a guy slides tetrad blocks down a ramp at you and it's your job to stack them in a way that allows you to fit a certain number within a predetermined area. If you don't, you lose. If you do, you still lose. Weight. And that's what it's all about.

Hit the jump for a video of the action (skip to 1:00 to get past the filler).

Continue Reading " Just Buy A Game Boy Already: Analog Tetris "

May 12 2010 It's About Time: 3-D Glasses That Look Cool

But not really. I'd actually feel cooler wearing Geordi La Forge glasses because at least then people would think they're x-ray specs when I'm staring at their crotch and laughing. Now they just think I'm a creep.

Look3D is one of a handful of companies readying "designer" 3D glasses, with a wide variety of frames, colors and prescription styles available. Some are "RealD certified" and quite a few look quite wearable. The company isn't exactly treading unexplored ground, but if you scoff at Ray Ban or Gucci prices, it's an option.

Yeah I still don't know how I feel about all this 3-D business. I'm on the proverbial fence, if you will. And not just because I have a post up my ass and I'm afraid to move, but I 100% am and please call a doctor.

Hit the jump to see a ton of the "designer" styles.

Continue Reading " It's About Time: 3-D Glasses That Look Cool "

May 12 2010 I Can't Stand That Guy: A C-3PO Backpack

C-3PO was like the Jar Jar Binks of the original Star Wars trilogy. So f***ing annoying. I would have offered Boba Fett a lifetime of free drinks at the Mos Eisley Cantina to catch him and then melt him down to make me a clock. What a shiny, whiny turd. Anyway, if you want a C-3PO backpack Thinkgeek is selling them (this guy could have used one).

Don the C-3PO Bespin Backpack and your friends will think you've just rescued an over-talkative droid from the smelter on Cloud City. C-3PO features light-up flickering eyes and has a zippered storage pocket in his torso.

Based on the famous scene from "Empire Strikes Back" where C-3PO is almost destroyed and has to be cobbled back together by Chewbacca, this backpack is a fully licensed Lucasfilm collectable.

The $60 backpack will be available starting August 25th, which should be easy for you all to remember because it's 13 days after my birthday. And speaking of which: I want presents this year. And none of that "it's the thought that counts" bullshit either, I want expensive ones.

Hit the jump for a couple more product shots.

Continue Reading " I Can't Stand That Guy: A C-3PO Backpack "

May 12 2010 Yow Yow, Take It Off!: Jupiter Loses A Stripe

In an apparent attempt to seduce Neptune, Jupiter has taken off its bottoms to reveal a surprisingly featureless southern hemisphere. Yow yow, here's a space-buck!

Jupiter has lost one of its prominent stripes, leaving its southern half looking unusually blank. Scientists are not sure what triggered the disappearance of the band.

Jupiter's appearance is usually dominated by two dark bands in its atmosphere - one in the northern hemisphere and one in the southern hemisphere.

But recent images taken by amateur astronomers show that the southern band - called the south equatorial belt - has disappeared.

The band was present at the end of 2009, right before Jupiter moved too close to the sun in the sky to be observed from Earth. When the planet emerged from the sun's glare again in early April, its south equatorial belt was nowhere to be seen.

Two words: global warming. It's gotten so bad it's spreading to the other planets. Soon Uranus will be ablaze. I'm serious -- I can predict the future ($100 to let me give you a hot sauce enema).

Jupiter loses a stripe [newscientist]

Thanks to Mokey Schmookie, who once got slapped for asking Venus if she was a stripper. She's not?!

May 12 2010 Nipples Used To Be Cool: The Nipple Bra

There was a time (based on this ad, the 70's) when having visibly hard nipples was all the rage. But like all fads (I'm looking at you, slap bracelets), its time quickly passed (give up Britney, you'll never bring it back!).

Our exclusive braless-look-bra is the very first bra to have its own built in nipple. Imagine having that sensual cold weather look all the time. It's so sexy, it'll give your shape a whole new eye-opening dimension.

I wish they would have come with different nipple options. Like you could get really wonky ones or two nipples on the same teat. That would have been hilarious. And by hilarious I mean out-of-this-world sexy. Like alien nips, but without the deadly venom.

Is it Cold in Here? [poorlydressed]

Thanks to Blaqk Panda and Carrie, who just tape pencil erasers to the insides of their shirts. Hey, that's cool (I put a stapler down my pants).

May 12 2010 He's On The Mushrooms: Mario Intervention

Note: Short (2:00) and long (10:00) versions of the video are both after the jump.

Mario, like most of us heroes, is an addict. Except instead of Flintstones vitamins and pinball, Mario is into the mushrooms. The hard stuff. Kidding, mushrooms aren't actually hard. They're kind of dry and the texture makes me want to vomit just thinking about it even if I'm thinking about it mixed with a spoonful of peanut butter. Did I mention they like to get stuck between your teeth? Stay away from drugs, kids. This is a video about Mario's intervention. I didn't watch it, but if it's anything like The Sopranos episode Luigi will probably whip his ass for accidentally sitting on Yoshi and suffocating him. It was made by Nocturnal Emissions, the same guys that did the Rampage and Paperboy movies. But what you really want to see is the other video of theirs I posted after the jump. It's about a company that's in the business of inventing new sexual terms. It's completely 100,000% NSFW and unsuitable for anybody of any age and shouldn't be viewed by humans at all but my dog watched it twice and then hacked up a piece of partially chewed rawhide.

Hit it for the videos.

Continue Reading " He's On The Mushrooms: Mario Intervention "

May 12 2010 Sleep With The Fishies: Shark Sleeping Bag

Ever wanted to sleep inside a shark? Me neither, I've just always wanted to cuddle. But if you're in college and want to experiment before settling down in a relationship, make sure to get your roommate blackout drunk first. Then when he wakes up in the morning and can't remember anything tell him he had a fine-ass girl over. But it was really you. The $200 ChumBuddy was designed by Kendra Phillips (of The Girls Next Door fame) and sleeps one adult or several children if you pack them in really tight.

It's a sleeping bag! It's a stuffed toy! IT'S A SHARK! In an effort to make sharks (a very misunderstood animal that also happens to be one of my favorites) more cuddly, I designed and produced a prototype for the ChumBuddy. This 7 foot monster plush was 100% hand sewn (sewing machines hate me) from fleece and felt & contains about 30 lbs of poly-fill.

The bag is available for pre-order now and ships in the fourth quarter. Which -- call it in the air, heads or tails. Oho, tails! You owe me a dollar. I'll bet you another dollar I know where you got your shoes. On yo feet! Pay me.

Hit the jump for one more shot of the awesomeness.

Continue Reading " Sleep With The Fishies: Shark Sleeping Bag "

May 12 2010 "Country Folk Will Survive": Rural Woman Seeks Zombie Hunting Partner On Craigslist

This is a Craigslist ad posted by some shit-kicking hick lady looking for a partner to bone until the zombie apocalypse begins. I already replied. It read, "bitch you crazy, all the city folk know the robots are coming first achy breaky heart honky tonk badonkadonk." Oh yeah, I speak their language.

Craigslist

Thanks to Wayne, who posted a Craigslist ad looking for a lady to help him dig up corpses to pose in unused construction equipment along the side of the highway on weekends. *calling police*

May 11 2010 'Spike Your Juice' Kit Turns Any Fruit Juice Into Delicious Booze In Two Days And $10

The $10 'Spike your Juice' kit comes with everything you need to turn six 64oz bottles of fruit juice into booze in as little as two days, using rapidly fermenting yeast and black magic. It's simple (thanks little wizards)!

1. Pick your juice (minimum sugar of 20g/serving, no pre-refrigerated juices, no artificially sweetened juices, no unfiltered juices)

2. Spike your juice (pour packet into juice)

3. Seal with included Airlock

After 48 hrs start sampling

* If satisfied, close bottle with Rubber Stopper, refrigerate and enjoy
* for a stronger and dryer taste with increased alcohol content, re-seal with Airlock and Rubber Stopper and continue storing at room temperature until satisfied

Juice will continue to booze-ify even after two days up to around 14% alcohol depending on the juice's original sugar content and time it's left out. THEN DRINK IT AND GET ALL F***ED UP! Then puke in your girlfriend's car and get in a fight about your drinking problem! What? No I'm not writing from experience (mind if I crash at your place for a few nights?).

Product Site

Thanks to Jeremy and deez figs, who have both drank toilet wine and subsequently puked. Really? I love that shit.

May 11 2010 New 'Inception' Trailer Reveals More of What the Eff Inception Is

I think it's like Star Trek holodecks, plus dreams, plus The Matrix, plus shots that make you think "I'm watching a THRILLER." But since it's directed by Christopher Nolan, for now I'll trust it won't make me as angry as that description does. Here's the new trailer:

Continue Reading "New 'Inception' Trailer Reveals More of What the Eff Inception Is"

May 11 2010 Don't Ask Me, I Didn't Watch It: A Full Length (90-Minute) Fan Made Mega Man Movie

Note: 90-ass minute video is after the jump. Somebody please watch it and post a review in the comments.

I honestly don't think I've ever beaten a single Mega Man game. Nor did I watch this video. I mean, it's 90 f***ing minutes. I don't have time for that. Granted I did take the time to skip around and find a screencap to use for the article, but that only took two minutes. Had it taken three this post wouldn't have a photo. Not even kidding.

UPDATE: Added a 3-minute trailer so you can see what you're getting yourself into.

Hit it for 90-minutes of don't blame me if you watch it all. I can't give you your life back.

Continue Reading " Don't Ask Me, I Didn't Watch It: A Full Length (90-Minute) Fan Made Mega Man Movie "

May 11 2010 Plus You Look Cool: Speech Bubble Helmets

Have you ever been to a bar that's so crowded and loud you can't even make out what the person next to you is saying? So have I. But to my credit I was puking in a girl's purse and not really paying attention. Enter "speech bubbles":

Product design student Elaine McLuskey invented the "social spheres" to enable people to hold a conversation above the background noise.

Two words: just yell louder than everybody else. Of course I'd be totally fine wearing one of these things because then people would think I'm an astronaut. And astronauts, as you may well know, get girls' numbers freeze-dried ice cream if they finish all their meal-paste. I scream, ice cream, in space no one can hear you scream. Great Alien tie-in, GW. Thanks but I was being serious -- I'll push your ass right out an air-lock.

Giant speech bubble bid to combat pub noise [bbcnews]
via
Ridiculous 'speech bubble' helmets cut out noise, dignity [dvice]

May 11 2010 Newest Playboy To Feature 3-D Centerfold

Because Avatar has effectively rendered 2-D obsolete, this month's Playboy will feature a 3-D centerfold. Just don't forget to take the glasses off before leaving your bedroom or we'll all know what you were doing in there!

"What would people most like to see in 3-D?" asked Playboy founder Hugh Hefner. "Probably a naked lady."

"In today's print environment you have to create newsstand events," said the editorial director of the Chicago-based magazine, Jimmy Jellinek.

Jellinek said he hopes the issue featuring centerfold Hope Dworaczyk in 3-D also reminds people that for all the infatuation with the Internet, there is nothing quite like having a magazine in your hands.

You know what else there's nothing quite like having in your hands, Jimmy? Another man's penis. Love it or hate it, you've gotta admit there's nothing quite like it!

Playboy 3D: Centerfold Hope Dworaczyk Will Jump Off The Page [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to jediGK and Jacob, who don't need blue and red glasses to see boobs in 3-D because they see the real deal. Wait -- really?!

May 11 2010 Yo-Yo "Master" Dupes Local News Stations

Note: Very worthwhile video is after the jump.

Kenny "K-Strass" Strasser is basically a no-name Sasha Baron Cohen who travels around the midwest tricking local news stations into thinking he's a yo-yo master so they'll have them on their show. Then once on air he does his best to produce some lulz. I watched a couple different performances, but this is by far the funniest. You can search Youtube fif you want to see the others, but you'll be disappointed. Basically I wish I'd only seen this one. It's just like watching your children being born: every one after the first is just a reminder how bad they're tearing that vagina up. Yes, just like that.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Yo-Yo "Master" Dupes Local News Stations "

May 11 2010 My Own Horn, I'm Tooting It!: My 6,000th Post

Geekologie Readers,

That's right, six thousand. That's a six with like forty zeros. Now I know what you're thinking, "Jesus, GW, you must have been blogging since before Al Gore invented the internet to write 6,000 articles". But it's not true, I took over August 7th, 2007. Ah, the memories: You telling me you hate me and I'm not funny and all my articles are old/plagiarized, and me crying myself to sleep every night with a cyanide capsule between my teeth praying I have have that dream where I'm Pac-Man. I know, it's like a fairy tale. Anyway, this is my 6,000th post and that's a picture of me winning a Hello Kitty doll out of a claw machine on my first try this past weekend. DAMN YEAH I'M A WINNER! And don't you forget it. Here's to not dying before 7,000 6,100!

All the best,

Your Geekologie Writer

May 11 2010 Fake Science: Better Than The Real Thing

Fake Science is a little website of old science textbook illustrations with accompanying make-believe facts. It's pretty awesome, although still in its infancy so there isn't a whole lot of content yet (only two pages). I posted a handful of my favorites after the jump, but it might be worth bookmarking and checking out again later. Or, you know, completely forgetting about. Not unlike everything I learned in school. Suck it trigonometry -- I've never used you in real life! Stop laughing, philosophy, I only attended you high.

Hit it to get your learn on with four more.

Continue Reading " Fake Science: Better Than The Real Thing "

May 11 2010 Woman Tells Husband She Got Pregnant From Watching 3-D Pr0n, Moron Buys It

In a case of Jesus Christ neither one of you should be allowed anywhere near a child, a woman claims she got pregnant from watching a 3-D adult film while her husband was in Iraq (liar liar vagina on fire!).

US military man Erick Jhonson came home from a stint in Iraq to find that his wife was pregnant. Clearly he assumed she had an affair, but his wife Jennifer claims the "other man" was actually someone a little less physical.

It seems he actually buys her story, however. "I see it as suspicious. The films in 3D are very real. With today's technology, anything is possible," he said.

What's even more interesting is that both Jennifer and Erick are white, but the child is black. Jeniffer claims the kid looks like the black pornstar she had been ogling. She also claims this was one of the first times she's watched porn and only went with friends for the 3D effect. TechEye did a survey of one person and found 100 percent would say the same thing in a similar situation.

"Even though my husband believed in me, my marriage could be at risk," Jennifer said. "But he knows I'm faithful." It just shows you what joining the military does to your head.

Listen Erick, I hate to burst your bubble but it wasn't the 3-D movie that got your wife pregnant. It was the dude she was boning. I know it's hard to hear, but it's true. Plus I heard they did things together she never let you do. I'm talking about the butt, Erick. Dude put a baby in that ass.

Woman says 3D porno made her pregnant [techeye]

Thanks to Carillon, who can get women pregnant just by winking at them and is the only person with a valid excuse to wear sunglasses after dark. The rest of you just look stupid.

May 11 2010 Put Your Mask Back On!: An Iron Man Tattoo

This is a Iron Man tattoo recently spotted by Geekologie Reader ej agumbay somewhere in the Philippines. It looks Robert Downey Junior-y. Granted I haven't even seen the first 'Iron Man' yet and I started drinking as soon as I woke up, so I probably shouldn't even be writing Geekologie. Kidding, I'm perfectly fit for the job. Also, bench-pressing a city bus off a group of old lady ladies. BUT ONLY IF IT GETS ME ON THE LOCAL NEWS. What? I have a man-crush on the weatherman. Don't you worry, Mike Rowe -- you're still #1 in my book.

Geekologie's Facebook Page

Thanks to ej agumbay, who tried biting the arc reactor out of dude's leg but ended up with a mouthful of Tony Stark goatee.

May 11 2010 Disney's 'Star Wars Weekends' Latest Ads

In case you didn't know, during the summer Disney hosts Star Wars themed weekend festivals at the amusement parks, doing their very best to desecrate one of your favorite movie franchises of all time. And they succeed. This is a little gallery of this year's admittedly cute (and not racist like last year's) print ads created by Disney's in-house agency. Good lookin', guys (I peed in Space Mountain).

Hit the jump for the rest.

Continue Reading " Disney's 'Star Wars Weekends' Latest Ads "

May 10 2010 I'd Hit That -- With Syrup!: A Pikachu Pancake

I typically avoid foods that are made to look like faces with the exception of pizza and cookies and virtually any other food you can make look like a face including actual human faces. You think I won't tear yours off with my teeth? You're right, I won't. It's the acne.

This Pikachu Pancake Does Not Look Good [kotaku]

Thanks to Duran, who would have smothered that shit in butter and syrup and eaten a stack of them. Or vomited trying.

May 10 2010 Original Star Wars Saga In LEGO Stop Motion

Note: OLD, ALREADY SEEN video is after the jump.

This video came out a week ago on Star Wars Day and already has 1.2M views on Youtube so at least one of those was probably you. But just in case, this is the original Star Wars saga told in two minutes of stop-motion with every LEGO Star Wars set ever created. And speaking of every LEGO Star Wars set ever created: did you know there were plans to manufacture a Sarlacc Pit set but a guest LEGO tester got his penis stuck in a prototype and they deemed it unfit for production? What? I had a semi-nude Leia minifig in one hand and it looked like a vagina!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Original Star Wars Saga In LEGO Stop Motion "

May 10 2010 Keeping It Classexy: Velociraptor Cufflinks

Classexy is a combination of classy and sexy and is probably the best word you can use to describe me if you could only choose one. But if you could choose two they would probably be convicted felon. Prison tats and having to marry the guy with the most cigarettes aside, these are velociraptor cufflinks being sold by Etsy seller GiantEye. They're classexy.

It's everybody's favorite theropod making a stunning entrance into the world of formalwear. These 1.5"x1" cufflinks are certain to bring attention to your wrists as you perform such Cretaceous tasks as opening doors, investigating electric fences, and mauling Samuel L. Jackson.

The admirers will flock to you faster than Jeff Goldblum to an ill fated dinosaur themed amusement park as you sport these fabulous laser cut black acrylic cufflinks and their stylish silver plated backings.

A set will set you back $25 (plus $10 shipping, WTF?!). Unfortunately, I don't wear cufflinks because I don't rock anything but t-shirts so I'm thinking pretty hard about having a pair surgically implanted in my wrists. Also, a pager. Suck it, James Bond!

GiantEye's Etsy Page

Thanks to Katie, mister.zed, Messiahcorps, Chong and King Crimson, who are all convinced their cufflinks double as mini-explosives or something. You all know that wasn't Q, right? It was just some crazy homeless guy.

May 10 2010 Fantasy Artist Frank Frazetta Has Died

Iconic fantasy painter and comic book artist Frank Frazetta died after suffering a stroke today. He was 82.

Frank Frazetta was born February 9, 1928. His early artistic career consisted of years of exquisitely drawn comics work, including contributions to the EC line of comics, assisting Al Capp on L'il Abner and later drawing several years of the strip, and working with Harvey Kurtzman on Little Annie Fanny.

In the 60s Frazetta turned to cover paintings for the thriving pulp paperback industry and created one of the most recognizable illustration styles of all times. His covers for Conan, Tarzan and other rough hewn heroes created a visceral, violent, erotic yet somehow still nuanced visual style that has been endlessly imitated but never surpassed -- Frazetta's imagery of brawny, relentless swordsmen, seductive, fleshy sirens and hellfire breathing monsters had a gut level impact because it came from the gut

Frank also served as the inspiration for Legend of Zelda illustrator Yusuke Nakano.

Yusuke Nakano named Frazetta as his inspiration behind "muscular, expressionistic art," which he clearly brought with him to Ocarina of Time.

"It felt great to draw characters like Ganondorf, exaggerating his fearsome, powerful presence," he said in a column published on Zelda Universe. "But my favorite Ocarina illustration was of Impa, Zelda's royal protector: It was extremely rare that Nintendo had such a muscular woman in one of its games. She was a natural fit for my preferred art style."

Rest in peace, Frank.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of Frank's iconic work.

Continue Reading " Fantasy Artist Frank Frazetta Has Died "

May 10 2010 Double Circulator: Two Fans Taped Together

The Double Circulator is the latest in flatulence-dissipating technology. Just kidding, it's two fans stuck mid-coitus (been there, done that, managed to cover myself with a sheet before the paramedics arrived).

The double-circulator is more than an fan. The device doesn´t just blow the air into the room like any other ordinary fan. Instead it circulates the air in the whole room, so that there is a very nice breeze. That is more healthy than a fan directly aimed at your body. The air in the whole room appears fresher because of the integrated ionizer. The double circulator allows you to use just one device per room and to aim it into two directions at once! The circulation requirements are met by 3 speeds.

$130 takes the piece of shit home. That's right, $130. For two fans humping each other. Thanks but no thanks, Double Circulator. If I wanted a pair of mating fans I'd launch a dating site for Geekologie Readers.

Product Site
via
Double Room Circulator makes normal fans look downright inefficient [dvice]

May 10 2010 Don't Eat My Cookies!: Space Slug Oven Mitt

This is an oven mitt made to look like a Space Slug from the Star Wars universe. I'm gonna buy one and wear it filled with Vaseline like Curley did in Of Mice and Men.

The worlds of epicurean geeks and Star Wars geeks come crashing together with this Space Slug Oven Mitt. Based on the immense asteroid-dwelling slug who made a brief cameo in The Empire Strikes Back (I'm still not sure how it survived in the vacuum of space) this 12-inch version is made from a fire-retardent nomex cotton blend, which means it should survive rounds from a blaster, or a hot pair of barbecue tongs.

The $20 glove is currently available for pre-order and doubles as a Shrivel Penis with Teeth mitt if you're not into Star Wars.

One more product shot and a link to the buy page after the jump if you are interested.

Continue Reading " Don't Eat My Cookies!: Space Slug Oven Mitt "

May 10 2010 You Crazy!: Lunatic Demonstrates 21-Foot Rule Of Attacking Someone With A Knife

Note: You have to hit the Youtube link at the bottom to watch the video because Sir Stabalot disabled embedding.

Ever heard of the 21-foot rule for bladed weapons? Me neither, I think this joker just made it up. Also, his 'in a relationship' status on Facebook.

The 21 foot rule states that the average person with a bladed weapon can run and cut you in about the same amount of time that the average person can draw and shoot a gun. Demonstrates that bladed weapons are very dangerous especially against cardboard targets. Please do not try this at home. For demonstration purposes only.

Okay, so maybe it is a real rule. Not unlike 34, which states at least two of you are gonna masturbate to this.

Youtube

Thanks to BooGT, who has the power to stab people from 500 yards because he just filled his trebuchet with kitchen knives.

May 10 2010 What If: Iron Man Were A Giant Crustacean?

He would look like this. Also, you'd be on your way to Costco for 80lbs of butter while I crack those claws open with a Louisville Slugger. Your adamantium skeleton can't save you now! (Amidoinitrite?)

Hit the jump for two more shots of the deliciousness.

Continue Reading " What If: Iron Man Were A Giant Crustacean? "

May 10 2010 What A Google Street View Car Looks Like

Ever wonder what a Google Street View car looks like? Me neither. I just assumed it was a Prius with a pinhole camera made out of a Quaker Oatmeal canister taped to the roof. And I was 100% correct. That's exactly what you're looking at.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the vehicle (including some rare interior ones!), along with a link to a ton more pictures of the voyeurmobile.

Continue Reading " What A Google Street View Car Looks Like "

May 10 2010 15 Things You Didn't Know About Star Trek

This is a little informational graphic with some interesting trivia about the Star Trek franchise (you have to hit the jump to see the whole thing). It's called '15 Things You Didn't Know About Star Trek', but you're so knowledgeable I bet it's more like '6 Or 7 Things You Didn't Know About Star Trek'. Me? I know so much it should have been called '15 Things I've Known About Star Trek Since Before I Was Even Born So Suck It Whoever Made This'.

Hit it for the rest of the chart.

Continue Reading " 15 Things You Didn't Know About Star Trek "

May 9 2010 Obsolete Set Is Obsolete: LEGO Space Shuttle

Just in time for the shuttle's retirement comes the official LEGO Space Shuttle set. *sniff* It's enough to bring a tear to my eye. Psyche, I only cry when pets die and at the end of movies. I'm looking at you, 'Iron Man 2'.

The $100 1,204-piece set stands 17.5 inches tall, with a 10-inch wingspan. It includes launch pad, detachable fuel tank, booster rockets, robot arm, retractable landing gear, opening cockpit with two minifig astronauts (male and female), opening cargo compartment, satellite, and even a ground vehicle.

You know what the problem with today's youth is? Everything. And mostly because kids don't want to be astronauts anymore. When I was growing up every single child wanted to be an astronaut. If you ask a group of kids today what they want to be when they grow up you get a unanimous, "on Jersey Shore". And that's exactly why we should blow up the planet while there's still time.

Hit the jump for several more shots of the awesome.

Continue Reading " Obsolete Set Is Obsolete: LEGO Space Shuttle "

May 9 2010 HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, Get Out There And Hug Your Mother! (If You Don't I'm Going To)

Happy Mother's Day mothers! I hope you're all having a great one. And for you non-mothers out there: sorry, today's not your day. But no complaining -- you get the other 364 days of the year. Okay so you really only get your birthday and usually everyone forgets about that. WHICH IS WHY YOU SHOULD SETTLE DOWN AND POP OUT A BABY. Kidding, please don't breed. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Someecards

Thanks to my mom, hands down the best one ever. Sorry but it's true.

May 8 2010 Eye Candy: Amazing Bilbo Baggins Dollhouse

Maddie Chambers went and built herself a super impressive looking Bag End hobbit hole dollhouse. It's amazing. I posted a couple more pictures after the jump, but Maddie has between two and three billion on her website which you should go check out to see the whole thing. My penis? You'd need two more eyes to see the whole thing.

Hit it for a couple more shots and another link to Maddie's website.

Continue Reading " Eye Candy: Amazing Bilbo Baggins Dollhouse "

May 8 2010 Bang Bangs: Military To Test New 'Smart Gun'

The U.S. Special Forces is all set to test the new XM-25 Individual Airburst 'Smart Gun' this summer. And you all know what that means: I actually have no idea what that means.

The gun fires a 25-millimeter "smart round" that can be detonated at pre-programmed distance, spreading shrapnel in all directions. It uses a rangefinder to figure out how far away a target is, and the operator can manually adjust when the bullet detonates to suit different situations, allowing a soldier to attack entrenched targets around corners and in buildings more effectively.

Geez, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that thing (or a big ol' johnson). Granted it's still no match for my laser blaster. Just sayin', one time I did bring a two-handed great sword to a knife fight.I cut some asshole's legs off with a single swing. It's cool, I'm getting used to the wheelchair.

Hit the jump for a video demonstration of the PEWs in action.

Continue Reading " Bang Bangs: Military To Test New 'Smart Gun' "

May 8 2010 Humans And Neanderthals GOT IT ON

Humans and neanderthals GOT IT ON. I'm talking GOT IT ON LIKE DONKEY KONG. Kidding, it was totally more like Galaga, but still.

Neanderthals mated with some modern humans after all and left their imprint in the human genome, a team of biologists has reported in the first detailed analysis of the Neanderthal genetic sequence.

The biologists, led by Svante Paabo of the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany, have been slowly reconstructing the genome of Neanderthals, the stocky hunters that domintated Europe until 30,000 years ago, by extracting the fragments of DNA that still exist in their fossil bones. Just last year, when the biologists first announced that they had decoded the Neanderthal genome, they reported no significant evidence of interbreeding.

Now I hate to point fingers, but I'm more than 130% confident it was your ancestors that did this. And I'm not just saying that because my ancestors were busy seducing dinosaurs, but I do have scales on my ass and a forked tongue. Did I mention I can breathe fire? (Somebody did a dragon too)

Signs of Neanderthals Mating With Humans [nytimes]

Thanks to Mycropht and Brittany, who both descended from royalty.

May 7 2010 Latest In Beer Technology: A See-Thru Box

There's nothing worse than buying a case of beer and getting it home (or to the backseat of a friend's waiting car) only to discover the beers inside are warm (or filled with concrete). That's why I always dig for a case in the back. But for those of you that don't have Einsteinian brains like yours truly, there's Coors Light's new box. But it's not just any ol' box -- it's a box with a window. A proverbial "room with a view". No? Just a box with a plastic window? USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS!

They created a 12-pack case with a tiny opaque window that turns transparent in cool temperatures. Never be momentarily fooled by a couple of silver bullets too-recently placed into a supermarket's refrigeration unit. Know if they're cold before you even open the door.

Finally, somebody putting technology to good use. Of course, this even wouldn't be a problem IF THE GROCERY STORE WOULD JUST LET ME TRY THE BEER BEFORE BUYING IT. Which, dammit, I'm gonna start doing anyways. WHO'S WITH ME?! Cool, let's hit the dairy section first for some whippits.

Coors Light Invents Cold Activation Window: Cancer Cured, World Peace Ensues [gizmodo]

May 7 2010 Yoda, Is That You?!: Yoda Face Cloud Spotted

This is a picture of a cloud taken by Michael Longergan. It's a Yoda face-shaped cloud. Granted you could argue it's just a cloud shaped cloud, but you would lose.

May the cumulus be with you [badastronomy]

Thanks to Phil, who's so good at astronomy Pluto comes when he calls.

May 7 2010 Jesus Has Returned, Already Struck By Car

That's right folks, Lord Jesus Christ has returned, and some WOMAN has already run him over with a car. Typical.

Police say a Pittsfield woman has been cited for running down a man named Lord Jesus Christ as he crossed a street in Northampton on Tuesday.

Christ was in a marked crosswalk at the time of the accident, Capt. Scott Savino told the paper.

Police say 20-year-old Brittany Cantarella was cited for failing to yield to a pedestrian in a crosswalk.

Wait wait wait -- all she got was a citation? THAT'S IT?! The bitch ran over THE SON OF GOD. I say we stone her to death.

Lord Jesus Christ (his real name) hit by car [msnbc]

Thanks to FDSY, who once ran over the devil, threw it in reverse and did it again. And to Dos, who noted he was surprised this happened considering Jesus was using the "cross"walk and everything.

May 7 2010 Taking It Too Far: Bacon Flavor Coffee Syrup

Kidding, there's no such thing as too far when it comes to bacon. Except I'm vegetarian so the closest I ever come is fake bacon which tastes like shit every time I eat i which is often because I'm always hoping the next time it doesn't. But it never fails to disappoint. Your brain just exploding aside, this is some bacon flavored coffee syrup from Torani.

Torani Bacon Syrup ($7) is a sweet, smoky, salty syrup that can be used in everything from milkshakes to manhattans to give each drink a little pork. For the truly bold, mix with Bakon Vodka for a drink only a fast-food executive could love.

Mmmm, I'm puking in my shoes already. Thank God I'm not wearing socks. Wait -- or shoes. Then why'd you draw all over my face with a Sharpie? Don't you people know the rules?! AM I THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THE RULES?! MARK IT ZERO!

Torani Bacon Syrup [uncrate]

Thanks to Matt, who just uses Bac'n Bits instead of artificial sweetener like a normal person.

May 7 2010 Star Wars: Now Starring You And Your Friends

Always thought you'd make a good Han Solo? You're the only one. It's true, your mom thought you should audition for Jar Jar. But now you can fulfill your dreams anyway with JibJab's 'Star Wars: Starring You'. You just go to the website, upload some pictures of you and your friends (or a bunch of penises0, and next thing you know, BOOM, you're saving the galaxy and shit. Whee! Now get out there and motorboat Leia's golden boobies for me! Kidding, that doesn't really happen outside your dreams. Or the picture I just drew. See? I gave you big lips.

Star Wars Starring You [jibjab]

Thanks to Melonie, Jackie and Ken, who got in a fist fight over who would be Lando Calrissian. Well, I guess there's only one way to solve this: I'll be Lando.

May 7 2010 Scientists Studying Robot-Inflicted Injuries

Note: Added a video of Stabby McKillhumans after the jump.

A group of sick German scientists have taken it upon themselves to study robot-inflicted injuries to humans. They're not good. Plus they hurt. Boom, study over!

The tests involved a robot arm weighing 14kg and a 1.1m reach that was equipped with a variety of bladed household tools including a steak knife, kitchen knife, scissors and screwdriver.

The robot arm was programmed to use the bladed tools to stab and cut a silicone lump, a leg from a dead pig and the arm of a human volunteer.

Striking, stabbing and puncturing tests with the safety system turned off were performed on the silicone and pig leg. Deep cuts resulted in most cases that, the researchers said, could prove to be "lethal" if inflicted on a living subject.

Congratulations brainiacs, those are some real startling discoveries. Who would have thought THAT GETTING STABBED WITH A F***ING KNIFE could produce a fatal wound? What did you think was gonna happen -- golden coins would pour out?

A video of the harbinger of death after the jump.

Continue Reading " Scientists Studying Robot-Inflicted Injuries "

May 7 2010 You Know What They Say About A Couple That Gets Married Naked Under A Dinosaur

They're my kind of people. You can hit the jump to see the ass-packed uncensored shot if you want. And also to explain to me why there's a bear playing between the preacher's legs. What's that? Oh, right. Why there's a cub playing between the preacher's legs. *zing!*

Hit it for all the classy ass-y.

Continue Reading " You Know What They Say About A Couple That Gets Married Naked Under A Dinosaur "

May 7 2010 Anatomy Of Golfish Crackers, Plus Sushi!

Note: Click HERE for the high-res version so you can see all the parts. You know you're curious about the anus, don't even lie!

Ever wonder what a Golfish cracker looks like on the inside? Well now you know. And knowing is half the battle something I often wish I didn't. This anatomical chart comes from fake doctor extraordinaire Jason Freeny, the man behind all the anatomical drawings here on Geekologie. And speaking of anatomical drawings: I went to sing karaoke last night and drew a nice big ol' schlizzle on the back of my song request slip. And you know what? Dude never played my song. I'm not even gay but that was one good lookin' wiener!

Hit the jump for a shot of some Golfish cracker sushi.

Continue Reading " Anatomy Of Golfish Crackers, Plus Sushi! "

May 7 2010 I'd Do It If I Could: Newly Discovered Family Of Jellyfish Wear Their Gonads Like A Crown

For realz. On their heads.

The species is only a few millimetres wide and scientists say it looks like a flying saucer with a cluster of gonads, or sex organs, on top.

"It's absolutely different from every other jellyfish that's ever been known," Dr Gershwin said. "So we not only put it into its own new species and its own new genus, but it's actually a brand new family."

"Quite possibly and quite humbly the greatest discovery of my career, ever. I mean I'll be lucky if I ever get a discovery even half as incredible again," she said.

The new species has been named Csiromedusa medeopolis, meaning "jellyfish from CSIRO" and "city of gonads".

So basically discovering the city of gonads is the highlight of Dr Gershwin's career. That's, uh, that's really something. TOO BAD I ALREADY DISCOVERED IT IN COLLEGE! Been there, done that, is there a pube between my teeth, amirite?

Experts astounded by 'city of gonads' jellyfish [abc]

Thanks to Laurel, who doesn't wear a crown of gonads because she has no interest in being the nut queen. Well let me wear it then. I SAID STOP HOGGIN' THE BALLS!

May 6 2010 Pregnant Couple (Actually, Just The Woman Is) Create Star Wars Baby Announcement

NOTE: Video is after the jump. I'm serious -- I don't care how super your sperm are, they aren't powerful enough to make the video appear on the front page.

A Star Wars themed baby announcement video: can you think of a better way to tell your friends and family you're pregnant with twins? If you answered, "yes, pretty much every other way, including pouring sugar in their gas tanks", congratulations, your family must love you.

Jennifer and Jeff have something they wanted to share with everyone...and because analogies make things easier and Jeff is an admitted Star Wars dork...we thought this might be appropriate...Thanks!

I mean I guess that was cool and all, but I still like to announce my babies the old-fashioned way: "honey -- I think the condom broke".

Hit it for the short video announcement.

Continue Reading " Pregnant Couple (Actually, Just The Woman Is) Create Star Wars Baby Announcement "

May 6 2010 'Street Fighter: Legacy' Recreates 'Street Fighter' with Nearly Painful Level of Accuracy

That Street Fighter short I mentioned a couple days ago? Here's the full thing, friends. It's three minutes of basically what we all thought Street Fighter 3 would be like back when Street Fighter 2 came out and Mortal Kombat-esque video capture seemed like it was going to be the next big thing, until it turned out Virtua Fighting was the next big thing.

Continue Reading "'Street Fighter: Legacy' Recreates 'Street Fighter' with Nearly Painful Level of Accuracy"

May 6 2010 WANT: 60th Anniversary Candy Land Cake

Since all of you loved yesterday's Resident Evil cake so much and weren't jerks who left nasty comments (yes, yes you were), here's another confectionery delight -- a 60th anniversary Candy Land cake created by DebbieDoesCakes (....). OMG I wanna vacation there so bad! I'd eat the entire hotel! Then projectile vomit! Then eat it again! Oh I'm sorry -- did that just make you puke? I'LL LICK THE CHUNKS UP LIKE A DOG.

Hit the jump for one more cake Candy Land cake Debbie made for a birthday.

Continue Reading " WANT: 60th Anniversary Candy Land Cake "

May 6 2010 Pure Genius: A Keyhole For Drunk People

Find yourself perpetually drunk? You might have a drinking problem. Kidding, I'm sure you're fine. But if you ever have trouble getting your key in the door (typically I'd use that as a metaphor for sex-bangin', but not in this case) then you may wanna check this key slut out. Just sayin', she's loose.

A creative keyhole [haha]

Thanks to liquid Tension, who just leaves the door unlocked because he doesn't value his valuables.

May 6 2010 Guy Scores $1 Million For Pitching Perfect Game In 'Major League Baseball 2K10'

So apparently 2K Sports was running a contest in which the first person to pitch a perfect 9-innings in MLB 2K10 would win a cool $1 million (sorry, no prizes for yelling FIRST! in the comments). And some guy did it within 24-hours of the game's release. Impressive, but I did it before the game even came out. I'm talking way back in 1988. No I'm not thinking of Ice Hockey for Nintendo! Yes, yes I am. That game's the shit, WHERE'S MY MONEY?!

Wade McGilberry of Mobile, Ala., a 24-year-old experienced gamer, bought the game at midnight on the night it came out. After debating with his wife Katy whether he should go to work or not, he decided he'd show up to work in his capacity as a 401K record keeper before he tried his hand at making $1 million.

At around 4 p.m. that day, Wade returned from work. He logged on to XBox Live, which is necessary to record the time a gamer could accomplish the feat, and set up his computer Web cam in front of his TV, a requirement for the verification of the perfect game.

Six partial games and an hour and a half later, Wade managed to pitch a perfect nine-innings. Congratulations Wade, you're a jerk! THAT MONEY WAS MINE HOSEBAG.

Gamer Wins $1 Million Perfect Game Prize In Less Than 90 Minutes [cnbc]

Thanks to Uncle_FUJ and JoeLickasack, one of which may or may not want to taste your change purse.

May 6 2010 I Must Have It: The Two-Handed Great Sword

NOTE: 9-minute video of the thing hacking through raw meat, ice blocks, wood and other shit is after the jump. It's worth watching, but I recommend skipping around. Or prancing -- I won't judge!

This is a commercial for Cold Steel's Two Handed Great Sword. It costs $550 and I want one. No, two (I'm gonna rope one to my wiener and drag it between my legs just like the Vikings used to do).

Our Two Handed Great Sword is the biggest sword we make. But don't let its size fool you, as there is nothing awkward or clumsy about this awesome sword. Sure it's big and meant to be carried over the shoulder in its scabbard, but it's extremely well balanced and easily wielded by people of larger stature and physical strength.

Weighing 6 lbs. 13.5 oz. with a 39 7/8" high carbon steel blade, it will make short work of pikemen or swordsmen and will prove equally effective against modern rifle butts and bayonets.

To protect the hands from opposing weapons, it features a large guard with side rings plus integral parrying hooks that allow the blade to be shortened for close range slashing and stabbing attacks.

ROFLROFL. I love those last two paragraphs. Like people are actually considering buying the thing for armed combat and not just to display on the fireplace mantle until it's time to f*** up some watermelons on the 4th of July.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " I Must Have It: The Two-Handed Great Sword "

May 6 2010 Pfft, I Know How To Get Around That: Why Time Travel Is Allegedly Impossible

NOTE: These two panels don't make any sense by themselves so you have to click HERE to see the whole comic. Otherwise you won't get it. Not that you will anyways, but you should at least give yourself a fighting chance.

Pfft, you can get around that. All you need to do is travel to a date on which the earth is in the exact same spot in its rotation around the sun. That happens, right? Or is it always changing? Now that I actually think about it I imagine it's always changing. Well, whatever. I'm just waiting for the next comet to pass so I can drink this punch and get the f*** outta here. OOOH -- LATER BITCHES! *glug glug glug* Shit I think that was just an airplane.

Picture

Thanks to Justin, who, here, drink this. Wait -- wrong cup. Shit I think I just gave you the poison. Kidding, kidding! They're all poison.

May 6 2010 What Do You Mean You Got Drunk And Ate It?!: White Castle Burger Scented Candle

Did you know it was hamburger month? Neither did I. But apparently White Castle has licensed burger-scented candles to celebrate the occasion. That's cool. Granted not as cool as the fact I live just a hop, skip and jump from the In-N-Out on Sunset Blvd., but SUCK IT I EAT THOSE BURGERS ALL THE TIME AND I KNOW YOU'RE JEALOUS! Plus I made friends with the employees so sometimes they'll let me come in after hours and huff the grill. GET IN MUH BRAIN, BURGER FUMES!

The candle's "steam grilled on a bed of onions" scent was created by Nest Fragrances, and the limited-edition candle comes in a ceramic holder designed to mimic White Castle's hamburger packaging, the fast food chain said this week.

"When I think of truly superior aromas, I think of the aroma of a freshly grilled White Castle hamburger -- life just doesn't get better than that," Laura Slatkin, founder of Nest Fragrances, said in a prepared statement. "We have captured that exact essence in our White Castle candle!"

I've heard the things actually smell like shit but I can neither confirm nor deny those allegations personally. But I can confirm that I'm going to In-N-Out tonight so SUCK IT AGAIN SUCKERS, YOU KNOW YOU'RE JEALOUS AS A BRIDESMAID! DON'T HATE THE PLAYA HATE THE GAMESTOP FOR ONLY GIVING ME $22 FOR ALL MY TRADE-INS.

Product Site (currently sold out)
and
White Castle unveils burger-scented candle [cnnmoney]

Thanks to eileen, who's holding out for a McRib-scented candle. Me too, eileen, me too.

May 6 2010 Powerful Peripherals: Superhero Keyboards

Don't worry, I've already reprimanded myself for the title. You ever belted yourself in the mirror before? It builds character. Plus welts on your buttcheeks. So, how's your keyboard lookin'? (Great segue, GW. Thanks, I thought so) If your keyboard looks like shit or you just want a superhero on it you should check out this line of "super" computer input devices. Each clickity-clacker will set you back $54 and come in flavors like Wolverine, Iron Man, another Wolverine, Thor and Spider Man. Sure the thing's gonna be covered in a layer of orange Cheetos dust and the E and R keys will get stuck down with Mountain Dew, BUT WHO CARES, NO BIG DEAL, I WANT MOOOOOOORE. That was a Little Mermaid diddy in case you couldn't tell. Remember Sebastian? I've found bigger in my underwear.

Hit the jump to see all the others.

Continue Reading " Powerful Peripherals: Superhero Keyboards "

May 6 2010 What If?: Super Mario Bros. Was Made Today

It would look like this. You have to hit the jump to see the rest of what happens though. Or don't. I didn't make it so I don't really care if you see it or not. You'll just be missing out when I mention it in a future post and you have no idea what I'm talking about. And then you'll ask and I'll be all, "So you have no frame of reference here, [insert your name here]! You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...", at which point you'll interrupt me. It's okay though -- you'll die of a heart attack at the bowling alley later.

Hit it for the rest. Or don't, like I said.

Continue Reading " What If?: Super Mario Bros. Was Made Today "

May 5 2010 Happy Cinco de Mayo!: Star Wars Loteria

Well folks, it's Cinco de Mayo. And you know what that means: I've been drinking margaritas since eight AM and don't know what my name is anymore. Kidding, it's Juanito. Anyways, before I forget -- these are some Star Wars themed Mexican Lotería (kind of similar to bingo) cards designed by artist Chepo Peña. You can check out the whole set by following the link to Chepo's website at the bottom. Gaming aside, by the time you read this I'll be halfway to Mexico to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in Tijuana. So if you don't hear from me tomorrow morning I'm either A) dead 2) in a Mexican jail or C) took quadruple the recommended dose of Spanish fly and stabbed myself blind with my own wiener. All of which *BLAAAAAAAAH* oh yeah, that one popped blood vessels. Wish me luck!

Chepo's Website
via
Star Wars Loteria tribute [boingboing]

Thanks to Axia and Nicholas, who both agree Cinco de Mayo is their favorite holiday, sombreros down.

May 5 2010 What The Terminator Was Really Sent For

NOTE: Video is after the jump dammit.

I always thought the whole John Connor bit was a bunch of bullshit. And you know what? I was right for once in my Godforsaken life. This is the video evidence proving what Terminators are REALLY sent back for. Which SPOILER ALERT: isn't to have sex with tanks and airplanes. I know, that was my first guess too. And not just because I personally want to travel back in time to have sex with old technology (read: dinos), but you know I 250% do and deserve it.

Hit it for the tell-all video.

Continue Reading " What The Terminator Was Really Sent For "

May 5 2010 Futurama Characters As Southpark Children

This is a mashup of the cast of Futurama as Southpark children by deviantARTist MooseCake. Good job. Although truthfully I don't watch either show anymore. You see, I lost my TV privileges for playing with myself during a dinosaur special on the Discovery Channel. I swear I heard my girlfriend leave the apartment, but no, she was sitting next to me the whole time. We haven't made eye contact since. That was 2006.

MooseCake's deviantART

Thanks to Eric with a k, who wants to see the Futurama characters as Family Guy characters as Spongebob Squarepants characters. Okay now you're just getting crazy.

May 5 2010 "Epic" Resident Evil Themed Graduation Cake

DeviantARTist YourRain went and made a Resident Evil themed cake to celebrate her birthday and graduation. What'd you graduate from, zombie boot camp?

I'm not very good at making cakes, but I love how this turned out. =) (And it was actually pretty tasty!) I made it for myself for my 25th birthday and graduation party. It was to serve about 50 people.

With baking time, it took 3 days to make.

Consists of:
7 cakes. (Vanilla, Chocolate, Red Velvet, Marble, Double Chocolate, Strawberry, German Chocolate)
9 icing containers. (All Cream Cheese Frosting)
1 small package of fondant.
All of my Resident Evil figures.
Buckets of love!

Mmmm, three-day old cake made with "buckets of love". That sounds....disgusting. Kidding, I'd eat the shit out of that thing. All the action figures too. Which reminds me: one time I ate two G.I. Joes just so my brother couldn't play with them. Haha, I sure taught him a lesson! Unfortunately, my butthole got schooled too (I should have torn their arms off first).

Hit the jump for a bunch more pics of the brain-loving deliciousness.

Continue Reading " "Epic" Resident Evil Themed Graduation Cake "

May 5 2010 Girls Are Bad At Sound Effects, Sci-Fi Edition

NOTE: Hit the jump for the video. And I encourage you to make a noise when you do it and tell the rest of us what it sounded like in the comments. The one I made sounded like one of those slide-y doors on Star Trek.

If you're a longer short-time reader of Geekologie and not one of the people that sends me tips for things I posted yesterday, you may recall the 'Girls are Bad at Sound Effects' video I posted back in January. Well here's another one, with a sci-fi focus. And although the video's title insinuates girls are bad at sound effects, I thought they did a great job. Granted not as good as I could have done, but I can't cook dinner or clean a bathroom, so we're even. Somehow.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Girls Are Bad At Sound Effects, Sci-Fi Edition "

May 5 2010 You've Gotta Be Kidding Me: A Dating Site Exclusively For Apple Fanboys (And Girls)

Cupidtino is a new dating website launching next month exclusively for Apple fanboys and girls. Because who needs 29 dimensions of compatibility when you both use a mouse with one button?

Cupidtino is a beautiful new dating site created for fans of Apple products by fans of Apple products! Why? Diehard Mac & Apple fans often have a lot in common - personalities, creative professions, a similar sense of style and aesthetics, taste, and of course a love for technology. We believe these are enough reasons for two people to meet and fall in love, and so we created the first Mac-inspired dating site to help you find other Machearts around you.

So honestly, how many of you guys are gonna give it a go? Let me get a show of hands. And while we're at it, genitals. Oh. WOW. Please tell me those things grow. You guys are gonna drive your dates straight to PCs!

Official Site

Thanks to Greg, I'm a Mac and you're a PC, Erin and rodger, who still find dates the old fashioned way: the classifieds. Great for used farm equipment too.

May 5 2010 Some News I Can Really Sink My Teeth Into

Wow, what an absolute COINCIDENCE the the FAREWELL columns just so happen to spell 'PENIS'. I mean, what are the chances? Reminds me of my senior quote in the high school yearbook. It spelled, "SCHOOLS FOR FOOLS EAT MY GRUNDLE" if you read down the left column. Can you believe that?! You should, it took me 30 hours to get that shit right.

Layout Fail [failblog]

Thanks to marie, who agrees newspapers aren't good for anything but washing windshields and making pirate hats.

May 5 2010 Street Fighter Characters Get Zombie-fied

Ever dreamed of seeing what the Street Fighter characters would look like if they were zombies? Well consider your dreams answered! Also, consider having some better dreams.

The zombies created by concept artist from Manuel Augusto Dischinger Moura (or Manuhell for brevity's sake) go a step further - they know Kung Fu and other crazy martial arts. The 27-year-old from São Paulo, Brazil has taken some characters from a popular fighting game and given them a zombie makeover.

While most women would argue the zombie makeover is one of the worst ones you can get (what do you mean you're gonna pluck one of my eyes out?!), I actually know a couple girls whose looks might actually improve. I'm looking at you, Susan! Well, not literally because I'm afraid I'll turn to stone but I am nodding in your direction.

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more. Oh really, you'd still take your chances with Chun Li and Cammy? Shocking.

Continue Reading " Street Fighter Characters Get Zombie-fied "

May 5 2010 Say, Uh, Where'd You Get Those?: Bone Art

This is a series of sculptures created using real human remains. Specifically, bones. Now I know what you're thinking, and no, you can't suck the marrow out of them. God you're twisted.

Francois Robert has created a series of powerful artworks made out of real human bones to remind people about the consequences of violence.

Human skeleton is a strong visual symbol that represents what is left after life has ended, after the flesh and mind cease to function.

Ah yes, the consequences of war. That's what I got from looking at them too. Or, I dunno, how much easier it must be to score human remains than I had previously thought. Which is great news considering the zombie screenplay I'm writing.

Hit the jump for a bunch more.

Continue Reading " Say, Uh, Where'd You Get Those?: Bone Art "

May 5 2010 You Could Never Be Real!: Pokémon Reality

NOTE: There's no way you can read that chart without straining your eyes, I don't care matter how many carrots you've eaten and/or pleasured yourself with and put back in the crisper drawer. Click HERE to see the whole thing.

This is a chart explaining the science behind various Pokémon characters, basically claiming that none of the monsters listed could ever exist in reality. WAY TO RUIN THE FUN, JERKS. You might as well have included Santa and the Tooth Fairy and passed the thing out at a kindergarten wearing underwear stuffed with candy. Oh I'm sorry -- did I just ruin your plan? I'm on to you.

The Physical Implausibilities of Pokemon [unrealitymag]

Thanks to lil co., who I'd carry around in a Poké Ball in my pocket any day.

May 4 2010 A 'WTF Did I Just Watch?' Video Compilation

NOTE: Video is after the jump and NSFW due to some prison language.

This is a ten-minute video compilation of WTF moments in television and movie history from across the globe. It's scary as hell, I'm not gonna lie. You've probably seen at least some of the videos, but there were a bunch I hadn't yet, so I'm even more scarred now. Awesome. I definitely recommend watching it drunk though, because, well, I recommend watching everything drunk. Except your kids grow up, that's just f***ing depressing.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " A 'WTF Did I Just Watch?' Video Compilation "

May 4 2010 I'm Siiiiinging Playing The Drums In The Rain

The Rain Drum (why didn't you call it the Drumbrella?!) is a conceptual umbrella designed by Dong Min Park to provide a little musical accompaniment to a walk through the rain. You see (or hear!), each section of the umbrella is supposed to make a different drum sound (snare, bass, tom-tom, crash cymbal and high-hat cymbal) when hit by droplets. Neat. No word if it'll work with urine too, but if you want to walk by my apartment balcony we can test it. Like, for free -- I won't charge you anything extra on top of the sidewalk tax.

Hit the jump for two more shots.

Continue Reading " I'm Siiiiinging Playing The Drums In The Rain "

May 4 2010 Star Wars Voices Coming To TomTom GPS

Beginning this month, GPS giant TomTom will be releasing one Star Wars character a month whose voice will be available for $13 download to guide you to your destination. They kicked it off with Darth Vader, but next is C-3PO, followed by Yoda and Han Solo. You can hear some previews of the Vader voice HERE or hit the jump for a little video of what it was like having him in the recording studio. Vader actually sounds pretty good, and I have a man-crush on Han so he's cool, but Yoda with all his backwards talk would get me lost as shit. And C-3PO is such a whiny little bitch I'd probably drive myself into a tree.

Hit it for the Vader vid.

Continue Reading " Star Wars Voices Coming To TomTom GPS "

May 4 2010 Spiderman Busts Would-Be Comic Thief

In a case of life imitating art (in this case, comic book art), a man dressed as Spiderman stopped a would-be thief from stealing a $160 comic on Free Comic Book Day this last Sunday. He was aided in his crime-fighting by two Jedi knights and The Flash. Not even kidding.

Adelaide Comic Centre's Michael Baulderstone, 45, noticed a man "behaving suspiciously" at the back of his store.

Upon closer examination, he saw that the man had put a valuable book in his backpack.

"We had about 40 people dressed up as their favourite superheroes to celebrate International Free Comic Day, so he didn't have much of a choice but to hand the X-Men Omnibus back after a little bit of a scuffle," he said.

"I've had a look at the security footage and it shows Spider-Man running down the corridor of the shop, grabbing this guy, hauling him off.

"One of the funniest things about the incident was that I called for people to stand near the door and it just so happened we had people dressed as Jedi knights there blocking the exit, the Flash was there at some point too," Mr Baulderstone said.

Haha, that IS funny, Mr. Baulderstone. Granted not as funny as if you'd stripped the thief naked and set his genitals on fire BUT WE CAN'T ALL BE COMEDIANS.

The best arrest ever, starring Spider-man, Jedi and the Flash [couriermail]

Thanks to Markus, Nicholas, aliya, Sean, PK, Bertoni and Grace, who once stopped a bank robbery while all dressed as X-Men characters on Halloween. And to Elizabeth, who actually works at the comic shop and hopefully managed to get a couple neck-stomps in on the culprit.

May 4 2010 Laser Fashion!: The PEW PEW Laser Suit

This is a laser suit created by Wei-Chieh Shih, who may or may not have made the similar looking one Rihanna wore during the American Movie Awards last year. Or maybe Wei-Chieh just stole the idea. Or maybe whoever created the one for Rihanna stole the idea from the guy who made the laser suit for Bono earlier last year. Or maybe everybody stole the idea from whoever made these dresses. My point is this: who cares, I've been taping lasers to my shirt since middle school. I invented that shit, I deserve the credit.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the BLINDED BY THE LIGHT, REVVED UP LIKE A DEUCE, ANOTHER RUNNER IN THE NIGHT. *pumping fist* Oh yeah, that's the stuff.

Continue Reading " Laser Fashion!: The PEW PEW Laser Suit "

May 4 2010 Ooh Ooh -- Do Dinosaurs Next!: Scientists Recreate Woolly Mammoth Blood

A group of scientists from around the world have successfully recreated woolly mammoth blood, reigniting the Geekologie Writer's hopes of some steamy dino lovin' in the not-too-distant future. You know, it's amazing what scientists can accomplish when they're not busy perving out on robots all day long.

The process uses DNA extracted from 43,000-year-old mammoth bones and then duplicated inside E. coli bacteria cells. It could easily be adapted to other extinct species, the researchers say, suggesting future medical labs full of dinosaur blood (if not full-fledged dinos).

They converted the blood DNA sequences into RNA, and inserted them into E. coli bacteria. The bacteria acted as RNA factories, manufacturing authentic mammoth protein.

The resulting hemoglobin molecules are no different than taking a blood sample from a real woolly mammoth, Cooper said.

The concept could conceivably be used for any extinct species, as long as scientists have DNA samples.

Listen: I want our top people working on dino-cloning, STAT. That includes you, Stephen Hawking. I don't care if physics is your bag, you're gonna make me a dino gotdamnit.

Resurrection Researchers Recreate Woolly Mammoth Protein in Living Cell [popsci]

Thanks to Tom and Kristina, who are both pro-clone because they want multiple versions of themselves to do housework. JUST HIRE A MAID.