Apr 30 2010 It's Anti-Toot!: The Better Marriage Blanket

NOTE: Commercial for the WTF You've Got To Be Kidding Me Blanket is after the jump.

The Better Marriage Blanket is an actual damn product, officially signaling the end of mankind. Or maybe just flatulence-related divorces! It's basically a comforter with a layer of activated carbon sewn in so when you rip a squirty one your partner doesn't have to smell it. Unless they're into that sort of thing, in which case I have a blanket beyond their wildest dreams.

Hit it for the I know I shouldn't be surprised this exists but I'm still disappointed with humanity.

Continue Reading " It's Anti-Toot!: The Better Marriage Blanket "

Apr 30 2010 For The Ladies: A L337-Speak Geek Shirt

Too late, I alreadly masturbated myself blind!

18 Funny and Geeky T-Shirts [techeblog]

Apr 30 2010 The Outdoors, Indoors: A Stag Head Shower

This is a designer shower head that was on display at Milan Design Week 2010 that looks like a deer's face. Water comes out of it's mouth and is perfect for the outdoorsy type and furries. But not me. I want a shower head that looks like a woman's face. I also want to pour green food coloring in the hot-water heater so it look like she's vomiting on me. What?! I don't judge you for your fetish, Cuckoo Clock F***er! FREAK YOU'RE A FREAK! Okay maybe I do. You know, this post really took a turn for the worst about midway.

Deer Stag Shower Head [ohgizmo]

Thanks liquid tension, now pour this food coloring in yourself and let's get this party started!

Apr 30 2010 3-D Needs More 3-D: Sexy Avatar Cosplay

I never made it to see Avatar because I was banned from the local theater for trying to sneak one of those beer helmets into the new G.I. Joe, but blah blah blah, boner boner boner. Oh yeah GW, you've still got it.

Hit the jump for the uncensored version in case the other F word post wasn't enough to get you off today.

Continue Reading " 3-D Needs More 3-D: Sexy Avatar Cosplay "

Apr 30 2010 Whoa, Whoa, Whoa -- It's Time To WHAT?!

This is vintage ad for the classiest watch ever made. And that's saying a lot, because I've seen a handpainted one where the minute hand was a phallus. Regardless, every thirty seconds the thing blinks "it's time to f***" and is apparently "a subtle way to break the ice" and "the greatest conversation piece you'll ever own". I don't know about all that, but I do like the warning at the bottom. Like 25-seconds rest isn't enough!

Hit the jump for an uncensored version in case you have a thing for seeing the F word in print.

Continue Reading " Whoa, Whoa, Whoa -- It's Time To WHAT?! "

Apr 30 2010 What You'd Do During A Zombie Apocalypse

I don't buy it. I know for a fact you'd spend at least half that pie trying convince your girlfriend it's her last chance to have sex before she's "an undead flesh-bag". Which -- God you have a way with words. I'd do you if I were her.

Things I Would Do During A Zombie Apocalypse [graphjam]

Thanks to Em Jay, who would be 50% thankful it wasn't robots, 50% maybe I should check Geekologie to find out what to do, 50% curious what brains taste like.

Apr 30 2010 Gorilla Glasses Help Prevent Animal Attacks

Gorilla glasses make it appear as if you aren't really looking at what you're looking at (unless you're trying to see your own brain), so gorillas won't kick your ass for making eye contact. They also work for staring at boobs (wear them over x-ray specs).

The Rotterdam Zoo is giving away cardboard glasses that make it appear that you're looking off to one side; these are gorilla-viewing glasses, meant to avoid incidents in which gorillas attack visitors for making eye contact with them. The glasses' introduction follows an attack on a woman by an escaped gorilla...

The specs are sponsored by a local health-insurance company.

Well of course the glasses are sponsored by a local health-insurance company, that's just good business. Nothing drives up your premium like getting beat to shit by a gorilla.

Gorilla-Viewing Glasses Prevent Eye-Contact [impactlab]

Thanks to hildabot, who was once chased by a gorilla but remembered to stop, drop and roll like she learned in school.

Apr 29 2010 Elastic Water: It's Not Just For Choking On

Apparently Japanese scientists have invented a new kind of magical material they've dubbed "elastic water". WTF is elastic water? Not suitable for drinking or spit-takes, that's for sure.

Japanese scientists from Tokyo University invented a new substance that consists of 95% water. Obtained by adding two grams of clay and a small quantity of some organic matter into normal water, this new substance is jelly-like and is considered proper for usage in medicine for the long-term to stick tissues together.

The study period is scheduled to end in September 2010, if the scientists can succeed in increase the density of the substance, it can be used to produce ecologically clean plastic materials.

Now I'm not saying this didn't happen, but I am saying the last time I mixed clay, organic material and water I didn't make any damn "elastic water". I made mud. Mud with a scab in it.

Japanese Scientists invented "elastic water", paving the way for ecologically clean plastic materials [akihabaranews]
via
Japanese Scientists Invent 'Elastic Water' [gizmodo]

Apr 29 2010 Wonderful, Just Wonderful: Japan Wants Humanoid Robot On The Moon By 2015

Seen here sketching out its plan for human domination in the lunar dust, Japan wants a humanoid robot similar to this one on the moon by 2015. Oh yeah? Not if I have anything to do with it! (And I do -- two words: Espio. Nodge.)

That robot's not going to be overly productive, though. Japan plans to have the bipedal humanoid robot Maido-kun plant a Japanese flag on the lunar surface, as a publicity stunt to show the country's techno-prowess.

Flag my ass! (Not literally, please) You know as soon as that guy gets up there he's gonna start a robot factory manufacturing death-bots to send back to earth. Or, even worse, blow up the moon and have pieces of it come kill us like the dinosaurs. Well I've got news for you Japan -- I ain't goin' out like no dino! I'm going out like a man who has a heart attack banging a movie star. In style.

Japan's giant leap: Humanoid robot on the moon by 2015 [dvice]

Thanks to Kristen, who doesn't want to see anything on the moon by 2015 but her name. In lasers.

Apr 29 2010 Reader Makes Donut & Dino Birthday "Cake"

Geekologie Reader and Facebook fan Jasmine, who may or may not have forgotten her son's birthday until the day of, went and made a donut and dinosaur "cake" for the occasion. My God I want it. Right now I'm pretending the donut holes on sticks are actually sails and the whole thing is a giant pirate ship. Kind of like Noah's Ark, IF NOAH HADN'T LEFT ALL THE DINOS BEHIND. I swear, I still cry every time I read Genesis. Or listen to them. Phil Collins -- you cut me straight to the heart!

Geekologie's Facebook Page

Thanks Jasmine, my birthday is August 12th and I like creme-filled donuts I'M JUST SAYIN'.

Apr 29 2010 Wrong, That's How You Did It: Parking Fail

A 67-year old man backed his Mercedes (you're too old to drive!) through the wall of a parking garage on the 7th floor. That's higher than six! But nowhere near as high as my roommate (he just tried walking through the screen door again).

'The driver got his foot stuck under the accelerator and couldn't get it unstuck.

'He was coming across the back of the parking garage and he created a little bit of momentum because he went quite a distance and hit this wall and almost came all the way out.'

Bricks flew up to 80 feet on to a car park below, Cpl Crow added.

'We're very lucky no-one was walking there,' he said.

Now I know what you're thinking, and I'm with you -- I can't believe it wasn't a woman either.

Hit the jump for three more shots of the HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!

Continue Reading " Wrong, That's How You Did It: Parking Fail "

Apr 29 2010 You See What Happens Larry? You See What Happens When You Sync Your Camera Speed To The Rotation Of A Helicoter's Blade?

NOTE: Video is after the jump due to possible involvement of black magic.

This is a couple year old video (my favorite kind!) of a helicopter flying around. Except the camera's speed is synced to the rotation of the copter's blade which makes the blade, get this, appear as if it isn't spinning. So yeah, try that in your roflcopter and go down in a ball of flames!

Hit it for the high-flying sorcery.

Continue Reading " You See What Happens Larry? You See What Happens When You Sync Your Camera Speed To The Rotation Of A Helicoter's Blade? "

Apr 29 2010 I'd Hit That -- With A Fork!: An Ewok Cake

This is an Ewok cake made using a teddy-bear shaped pan and a diabetic coma worth of icing. High-five, Wilford Brimley! (send those testing supplies right to my door)

This is the birthday cake my Wife made for me this year. We have a teddy bear cake pan that hasn't been used much so I suggested making it an ewok from Star Wars for me this year. She did all the work of baking the cake and decorating it, but it was MY idea. =) The store bought cupcake with the LEGO scout troopers was her idea. A candle sticking out of the top of the ewok's head wouldn't have looked right.

You know what would be cool? If the furry bastard had a jelly filling that spilled out like blood when you cut him. No? Okay well how about if a little topless Leia jumped out swinging her tatas around like a lightsaber? If you answered, "best birthday ever!", congratulations, you've obviously never been to one of my parties. Petting zoo, just sayin'!

AntVar's deviantART

Thanks to sham, who once baked a cake using the Death Star's laser in less than a second. That's some serious cooking power!

Apr 29 2010 Make This Mother's Day A Special One...

With a glorified vibrator from Newegg. Because nothing says, "thanks for everything, mom!" like a muffled buzz coming from your parents' room.

Product Site

Thanks to darwin police, who recently received a call from a woman's husband who claimed his wife had modified an electric mixer to pleasure herself. She was dead on arrival.

Apr 29 2010 God That's Depressing: The Bed Ladder

The bed ladder isn't what you use to climb into your roommate's bunk to cuddle at night. It's what you use to get out of bed if you're older than sin or disabled. The $15 ladder attaches to any bed (with posts or legs) and makes sitting up a breeze provided you have arm muscles. It also makes strangulation a breeze provided you have a drinking problem. *hacking* LITTLE HELP OVER HERE!

Product Site (you know you want one)
via
Bed Ladder Is Probably Not What You Think [craziestgadgets]

Thanks to Liquid Tension, who's far less troublesome to deal with that Gas Tension. *squeeeeeeak* God I'm so embarrassed!

Apr 29 2010 I WANT THEM ALL!: The Venn Candygram

I love candy, it's an important part of my life. Right up there with the internet and self-loathing. And this is a complicated Venn diagram that explains the relationships of different candybars to one another. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Put one of each in a blender and drink them until we projectile vomit?! No? Just a Snickers for you? Pussy.

Venn Candygram [collegehumor]

Thanks to Ravel, who once mixed Skittles and Mamba in a food processor and had to be rushed to the hospital due to overwhelming deliciousness.

Apr 28 2010 WHEEEEEE!!: Turtle Riding A Roomba

NOTE: Video is after the jump.

You ever wanted to see a soft shelled turtle ride a Roomba? Me neither, but I did anyway. Needless to say, I wasn't surprised when the robotic d-bag kept ramming our reptilian brethren into chair legs and shit. Such a jerk. Which is exactly why I just emailed the Youtube link to Godzilla along with Google Map directions to iRobot's corporate headquarters. Mwahahahaha. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Hit the jump for the video.

Continue Reading " WHEEEEEE!!: Turtle Riding A Roomba "

Apr 28 2010 Bury It: The 3.5" Floppy Disk Is Officially Dead. Wait -- It Wasn't Dead Five Years Ago?

Technology, you know? It comes and goes so quick. One minute I'm stuffing 5¼" floppies into a Commodore 1541 disk drive to play Bounty Bob, the next I'm carrying around a lifetime of music on a stick smaller than the Naked Wizard's penis. Kidding! It's actually bigger, but still. Anyway, it's time to say goodbye to 3.5-inches of floppiness.

Well, whether you're still using them, simply have "fond" memories of how you used to need a dozen of them to install a program, or you're scratching your head and have no idea what the heck a floppy disk is, it's time to say goodbye. Sony is officially putting the 3.5-inch floppy disk it introduced back in 1981 to rest next year, marking 30 years of the floppy as a format. Come March, 2011, the company won't be producing them anymore.

*sniffle* Sorry, I'm just a little choked up right now. So many fond memories. Like installing installing games. Monkey Island, Indiana Jones, Return to Zork, Willy Beamish, Loom, Space Quest, King's Quest and the original Warcraft just to name a few. And who could forget the first time they ever used a command prompt to PKUNZIP a floppy full of naked lady pictures a friend gave them at school? I won't. I was so damn proud of myself. I remember opening that first picture and BAM! full-screen penis. Rest in peace lil' floppy, rest in peace.

It's finally time to say farewell to the 3.5" floppy disk [dvice]

Apr 28 2010 Arts And Crafts: An Apple Store Diorama

Gary Katz went and made an Apple store diorama out of a shoebox, some construction paper, and a couple iPhones. "Why?" is the question I'm asking myself right now. And, "I have no f***ing idea, let's drink" is the only answer I've been able to come up with so far. Which, let's be honest, is pretty much my answer to everything. Because it works.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots and a video walk-through of the sadness.

Continue Reading " Arts And Crafts: An Apple Store Diorama "

Apr 28 2010 Everything That's Right In The World: A Slave Leia Bikini Carwash For Charity

NOTE: Several more pics, five videos and a link to over 100 more pictures after the jump.

I was going to type some words here but then I realized that would be a waste of my fingers, so I recommend you just go ahead and hit the jump. Unless your name is Luke, in which case I wouldn't if I were you. Here Luke, you can click THIS instead. Haha -- gotcha. THAT'S YOUR SISTER SICKO!

Continue Reading " Everything That's Right In The World: A Slave Leia Bikini Carwash For Charity "

Apr 28 2010 Boy Scouts Now Offer Merit Badge In Gaming

Forget starting a fire or setting up a tent, that's what matches and motels were made for, amirite? Now video games, that's what the Boy Scouts are all about. Except you can't actually earn a merit badge in video games, only a belt loop and pin. FLAIR I NEED MORE FLAIR.

BELT LOOP

Complete these three requirements:

1. Explain why it is important to have a rating system for video games. Check your video games to be sure they are right for your age.
2. With an adult, create a schedule for you to do things that includes your chores, homework, and video gaming. Do your best to follow this schedule.
3. Learn to play a new video game that is approved by your parent, guardian, or teacher.

ACADEMICS PIN

Earn the Video Games belt loop and complete five of the following requirements:

1. With your parents, create a plan to buy a video game that is right for your age group.
2. Compare two game systems (for example, Microsoft Xbox, Sony PlayStation, Nintendo Wii, and so on). Explain some of the differences between the two. List good reasons to purchase or use a game system.
3. Play a video game with family members in a family tournament.
4. Teach an adult or a friend how to play a video game.
5. List at least five tips that would help someone who was learning how to play your favorite video game.
6. Play an appropriate video game with a friend for one hour.
7. Play a video game that will help you practice your math, spelling, or another skill that helps you in your schoolwork.
8. Choose a game you might like to purchase. Compare the price for this game at three different stores. Decide which store has the best deal. In your decision, be sure to consider things like the store return policy and manufacturer's warranty.
9. With an adult's supervision, install a gaming system.

What. the. f***? Did you read that? Organize a family video game tournament? Play a game that will help you practice your schoolwork? The Boy Scouts sure have gone down hill since I was a Webelos. Next thing you know they're gonna start selling cookies. Which, I admit, would actually be awesome (I'll take four boxes of pot brownies).

Boy Scouts of America
via
Boy Scouts introduce videogame badge, other badges ask 'Really?' [engadget]

Thanks to Zach and ellis, who just earned Geekologie merit badges in awesome, congratulations. Now hold still, I get to staple them to you.

Apr 28 2010 Ninja Slug: He LET Himself Be Discovered

The Ninja Slug is a newly discovered species of slug found in Borneo. I can only assume it wanted to be discovered BECAUSE YOU DON'T JUST RANDOMLY STUMBLE UPON NINJAS.

Boasting a tail three times the length of its head, the newly described long-tailed slug is found only in the high mountains of the Malaysian part of Borneo.

The new species shoots its mate with "love darts" made of calcium carbonate and spiked with hormones--hence its nickname: ninja slug. Scientists believe this Cupid-like behavior may increase reproduction success.

Love darts, I believe it. Because one time I filled a water balloon with "love" and threw it off the roof of my apartment building. Everything in California got pregnant.

Borneo Ninja Slug [nationalgeographic]

Thanks to Grammar Hammer, who once beat the shit out of Syntax Axe in a language battle.

Apr 28 2010 A Real Ghost Rider: Dead Puerto Rican Man Opts For Motorcycle Instead Of Casket

David Morales Colón is a Puerto Rican man who passed away in a gun-related incident last week. And, instead of a traditional casket, is being displayed atop a motorcycle at his wake. Vroom vroom -- I'm comin' God!

Yesterday and today, callers who stopped to pay their final respects to the late Mr. Colón got a bit of a surprise. Instead of the traditional presentation of the body in a casket, Mr. Colón's corpse, dressed in casual duds and sunglasses, was instead posed in a very lifelike position atop his Repsol-liveried Honda CBR600 F4. According to Puerto Rico's Primera Hora newspaper, the motorcycle was given to the victim by his uncle, and upon Mr. Colón's untimely demise, family members delivered the bike to the funeral home specifically for this unusual wake.

Different strokes for different folks, you know? When I go I want to be displayed laying in bed, pantless with a laptop on my chest. And if my little rigor mortis just so happens to be hanging out the pee-hole in my boxers, well, that's how I want you to remember me.

Hit the jump for two more pictures including an eerie closeup, along with a video.

Continue Reading " A Real Ghost Rider: Dead Puerto Rican Man Opts For Motorcycle Instead Of Casket "

Apr 28 2010 Take Me Down To The Stapler City Where The Grass Is Pencil Shavings & The Girls Are Paperclips, Oh Won't You Please Take Me Home

This is a little city built by Peter Root entirely out of staples. Over 100,000 of them -- that's a tenth of a billion! Some would argue it's only a tenth of a million, but those people are wrong and wouldn't know math if it divided their ass in two.

Hit the jump for a bunch of close-ups and a video of Peter playing the poor man's Sim-City.

Continue Reading " Take Me Down To The Stapler City Where The Grass Is Pencil Shavings & The Girls Are Paperclips, Oh Won't You Please Take Me Home "

Apr 28 2010 An Obama Action Figure...Or Something

This is a president Barack Obama action figure. Or, if you want to get technical, a "1/6 Scale Truetype Body - African American Advanced TTM-15". OMG, I THINK HE'S A TERMINATOR. Kidding, that's the governor model. *zing!* Granted we've already seen an Obama action figure before, but apparently this is the $43 advanced model. Not unlike myself. It's true, God broke the mold after me. Also, fired all the elves responsible. You'll never work at the North Pole again!

Product Site

Thanks to rox and jimmy jazz, who used to switch the heads and torsos on all their G.I. Joes. That's cool, I used to douse mine in hair spray and set them on fire in the bathroom.

Apr 28 2010 Super Mario Crossover: Play As Link, Samus, Simon, A Dude From Contra Or Mega Man!

I didn't know ol' blue pants from Contra was named Bill. I swear, you learn something new everyday. Today I learned what it feels like to pick up a plastic bag full of soupy dog shit. Warm and traumatizing. Today's already a bad day aside, Super Mario Crossover is basically Super Mario Bros., but with more character options. Plus you get to use their weapons! And did I mention the soundtracks? IT PLAYS THEIR MUSIC!

This is my first game, and I have worked on it for over a year. It has been a long journey, but I think you will see that all of my effort has paid off. I have recreated the entire game of Super Mario Bros, but now you can play as different characters. Each character plays just like they do in their original games with a few modifications to make the experience better.

This is my tribute to classic NES games, and anyone who grew up playing Nintendo should enjoy it. Now please enjoy the hell out of this game and experience Super Mario Bros in a whole new way!

I've been playing for the better part of an hour now, and it's pretty fun. Even more so knowing I'm sticking it to the man and still getting paid. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I WRITE GEEKOLOGIE FROM WORK TOO. Honestly, I don't even know what I do around here. Or the name of the company I work for. Hey Cynthia -- who do we work for again? Oh right, the government.

Super Mario Crossover [newgrounds] (go to play)

Thanks to Fitz, who Contra'd his way to the very end and then shot the princess. Oh that's cold!

Apr 27 2010 For The Ladies: A Twilight Engagement Ring

Ladies rejoice, you can now own a replica of the piece of shit engagement ring Edward gives Stella in the Twilight series. Taste: Edward has none. Except for blood. See what I did there? Because he's a vampire!

Last week, breathless fans of "The Twilight Saga" were treated to a glimpse of Bella Swan's engagement ring in the final trailer for "Eclipse." Now they can own a replica of the diamond-encrusted oval ring co-designed by "Twilight" author Stephenie Meyer and Infinite Jewelry Co. The ring matches the one described in the books, and is already available in three prices: "fashion" for $35, "fine" for $479, and "genuine," for a real diamond ring priced at $1979 -- and presumably intended to serve as a real engagement ring for "The Twilight Saga"'s most ardent fans.

Okay so I just realized I called that little brooder Stella and that's not her actual name. Oh well. Anyway, on to more important news: if your dream is be proposed to with a Bella engagement ring you're going to die a lonely cat lady. /reality

Product Site (I can almost hear all the clicks from the girls rushing to buy themselves the $35 version and wear it to bed every night)
via
Would You Accept a 'Twilight' Engagement Ring? [yahoomovies]

Thanks to JrS, who agrees the only good thing to come out of Twilight was Robert Pattinson. Wait -- let me start over LET ME START OVER!

Apr 27 2010 Neato: What Drives Video Game Characters

NOTE: Click HERE to see the graphic in all its gaming glory GLORY HALLELUUUUUJAH!

Kotaku recently made a really cool informational graphic about the top 100 video games and what drives their characters to do what they do. This is it.

We pulled the top 100 highest rated games from review aggregation website GameRankings.com and broke them down by primary motivation - the driving force behind the heroes, anti-heroes, competitors, and god-like beings inhabiting those acclaimed titles.

Interesting, but what I wanna know is why do we, the gamers, play video games? Here, I'll get us started: I play video games because I've been drinking. OMG you've got to see this -- I'M CONTROLLING A TV SHOW!

What's My Motivation? Why We Play The Top 100 Games [kotaku]

Thanks to Jeremy, who plays games to take a break from saving the planet from evildoers. Well sure, that's respectable too. I guess.

Apr 27 2010 Just Plain Wrong: Spock Doing The Shocker

This is a picture of Leonard Nemoy performing the shocker (well, not literally) for the asshat sitting next to him. For those of you born post-Y2K, Leonard played Spock in the original Star Trek series. Also, WTF are you doing reading Geekologie? Teaser, Pleaser, Shocker, Spocker, Rocker, Showstopper. Go ask your parents about them. Kidding -- please don't. I wouldn't know what to do if your mom called complaining again. Besides invite her over. Burn you just got burned.

Picture

Thanks to Whitney, who doesn't know what the shocker is and doesn't want to. Trust me, you really don't (I think it's a gang sign). And to Michelle!, who does know but won't tell me.

Apr 27 2010 Looks Dangerous: DIY Automated Lawnmower

This is a video of an automated lawnmower. Well, technically this is a picture FROM a video of an automated lawnmower, so you're gonna have to hit the jump to actually see the thing in action. Anyway, to make your own auto-mower like the one in the picture from the video all you have to do is tie a string to it and wrap it around a stump or something similar with a little girth to it. Then tape the throttle bar down and you're good to go. Just don't forget the string part. Because I did and next thing you know I'm watching a runaway lawnmower plow through Ms. Jenkin's flowerbed. You know what I told her? Deer ate all her flowers. She bought it too -- old bag's crazy as shit.

Hit it for a short video of the potential disaster.

Continue Reading " Looks Dangerous: DIY Automated Lawnmower "

Apr 27 2010 If A 4-Wheeler Banged A Jetski: The Quadski

The quadski is the lovechild of a jetski that humped a 4-wheeler despite Poseidon warning the watercraft that it would upset the balance of the oceans and the moon would probably come crashing down to earth. That must have been some good-ass sex, amirite?!

The Quadski ($TBA) is exactly that: a four wheel amphibious vehicle that tears it up on land and sea, with a top speed of 50 mph on either surface.

I want one. No, two. I'll keep one on land and one in the water, that way I don't have to wait for the thing to transform before I boat out. Smart thinking, I know. God didn't give me two brains for nothing. Haha, what do you mean these are ears?

Product Site (which also has a Hummer model called the Humdinga. Wait, what?!)
via
Quadski [uncrate]

Thanks to colin and Comfort Eagle, who selectively bred submarines and helicopters to create submacopters.

Apr 27 2010 Ear Candy: Master Chief Sings The Hits

Master Chief, best known as the protagonist from 'Quake III Arena', is also an accomplished singer. And now he's got the CD set to prove it. Featuring such instant classics as 'One More Snipe', 'K-k-killing Spree' and 'I Can't Camp', the chief has something for everyone. Especially Phil Collins Fans. Now listen: I know the Chief isn't really from the Quake franchise, I'm just hoping somebody read that and rushed to the comments to call me a dickbag before reading down here. Boy won't they feel stupid! No? I'm still a dickbag? Oh.

Hit it for the video, but you better be ready to get your love-makin' on.

Continue Reading " Ear Candy: Master Chief Sings The Hits "

Apr 27 2010 Please Don't Be Super Effective, Please Don't Be Super Effective: Real Pokémon Monsters

NOTE: Full-res shot HERE if you're man enough. I was not.

This is what a bunch of Pokémon characters would look like if they weren't designed to appear all friendly and lovable to children. Well I've got news for you, kiddies: REAL MONSTERS AREN'T CUTE. Real monsters are ugly and vicious and will tear you limb from limb if you even THINK about getting out of bed at night. What's that? Haha, no nightlight tonight, daddy's saving electricity. Sweet dreams!

These Real Pokemon Will Give You Nightmares [kotaku]

Thanks to Julian, who once risked life and limb for a midnight snack. Please tell me you made s'mores.

Apr 27 2010 It's Stained Glass Time!: Tokyoflash's Latest

It's been awhile since Tokyoflash dropped a time-telling bomb on us, and frankly, I've been missing it. Just like your affection, EXCEPT YOUR AFFECTION OBVIOUSLY CAN'T TELL TIME (stop calling in the middle of the night, jerk!). Introducing the $168 Kisai 'Broke'.

A striking fragmented display, full face mineral crystal lens and a new way to read time that's almost like a regular clock, features that will make you want to break away from dictated fashion trends.

Broke is the first watch in the Kisai series to be USB rechargeable, ensuring enhanced brightness and long lasting battery life.

Reading the time couldn't be easier. Touch the button and a shattering animation will light up the display. The outer ring of blocks represent hours in the same position as hours on a clock face. The inner ring of blocks represents five minute intervals in the same position as minutes on a clock face. Four single minutes are shown in the center.

Granted 'Broke' probably isn't the best name for a product, but I can look past that because my eyes have trouble focusing anyways. And I'm not just saying that because you should show me your breasts so I can tell you what they look like in 4-D, but you should. For science. Wait -- let me grab my lab-camera.

Tokyoflash Product Site

Apr 27 2010 The Cutest Lil Runt Ever: A 6-Pound Horse

This is Einstein, a 6-pound pinto stallion. I happen to love beans and horses, so he's a great combo. And smart (I have a dog named Einstein and he's a genius, plus rubs his rocket on my arm).

Weighing in at just six pounds, the New Hampshire-born foal may be the world's smallest horse. Dr. Rachel Wagner, Einstein's co-owner, says the Guinness record for the smallest newborn horse is 9 pounds. Wagner notes Einstein shows no signs of dwarfism, unlike the current record holder.

Great, now I want a pony. I went my whole childhood not wanting one (I liked turtles) and now I do. I'm 28-years old for crying out loud, I feel like such a girl. Okay, not really. But as soon as my roommate leaves for work and I put her panties on I will. High-five, Craigslist roomies!

Hit the jump for a bunch more of the almost unbearable cuteness.

Continue Reading " The Cutest Lil Runt Ever: A 6-Pound Horse "

Apr 27 2010 360º View Of Stadium Demolition From Inside

NOTE: Click HERE to check out the interactive video.

This is a screencap from a clickable and draggable 360º panorama of the old Cowboy's stadium demolition. From inside. THE CALL'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! I thought it was pretty neat, but it would have been even neater to actually be inside there yourself. Throw on some chain-mail, you'll be fiiiiiiine.

360º Stadium Demolition
and
Not as Cool Youtube Video (for those of you with no Flash)

Thanks to mathias, who once blew a party up by advertising free booze. You know I came running.

Apr 26 2010 Let's Drink And Sing Along!: Ewok Karaoke

NOTE: Video is after the jump. Now drink some hot-ass tea and get ready to sing your face off, son!

This is a video made for singing karaoke to 'Ewok Celebration' (aka 'Yub Nub)', made famous by everybody's favorite teddy bears at the end of Return of the Jedi. It's pretty hot and I've been singing it into a hairbrush for the last half hour. Just kidding, the last time I sang along with a bear I was on stage at Chuck E. Cheese and had just finished relieving myself in the ball pit. What do you mean there's no pinball machine?! This arcade suuuucks. Huh? No you can't kick me out! PUBES IN THE PIZZA, PUBES IN THE PIZZA!!

Hit the jump for the stuck in your head all day sing-a-long.

Continue Reading " Let's Drink And Sing Along!: Ewok Karaoke "

Apr 26 2010 How To: Cheat On A Test With A Coke Bottle

These are instructions on how to make a Coke bottle cheat sheet. Admittedly it's pretty ingenious, but I don't promote cheating. I never cheated in school. If I wasn't prepared for a test I would fail the shit out of it with flying colors plus draw a couple penises. Sure I bombed a couple college courses, but I did it all on my own, with my own brain. I knew cheaters. And you know where they are now? They sure as hell aren't level 80 bloggers! They're all turning tricks on skid row, willing to do anything for a buck. I'm talking footjobs in the backs of cars even. Stay in school, kids!

END PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

The Coke Bottle Cheat Sheet [gizmodo]

Thanks to PhilRules, who's a professor and once caught a student with a Jim Beam cheat sheet. Sounds like my evil twin.

Apr 26 2010 Scalpel! Experimental Gummi Bear Surgeries

This is a series of experimental gummi bear surgeries. This is only one though, and not even the best, so you'll have to hit the jump to see them all. I particularly liked the heart transplant, brain transplant and dinoplasty. That reminds me: when I was a kid I used to break animal crackers and try to create hybrids with all the pieces. No I didn't. But I did pretend an elephant was f***ing a mountain goat once. Hilarious (just don't bring it up around the goat).

Hit it to see all the rest.

Continue Reading " Scalpel! Experimental Gummi Bear Surgeries "

Apr 26 2010 Scientific Knowledge: How Many KFC Double Downs Is Your Fast Food Sandwich?

This is a chart comparing Kentucky Fried Chicken's new Double Down sandwich to other fast food offerings. So looking at the top of the chart, a Panera Chipotle Chicken sandwich is the equivalent of eating 1.49 Double Downs. But a Wendy's Triple Baconator is the equivalent of crushing 2.45 Double Downs and having six orgasms. So, which would you rather have? If you answered, "neither, I like being able to see my penis past my gut", congratulations, you're some kind of weird pervert (who get's off looking at their own genitals?!).

Double Down by the Numbers: Unhealthiest Sandwich Ever? [fivethirtyeight] (with a bunch more info)

Thanks to Kristen, who can't double down because she's already got a blackjack. Congratulations, now buy me a drink.

Apr 26 2010 That. Looks. Delicious: A Candyland Tattoo

First off, what the hell kind of underwear are you wearing? It looks like a roll of gauze from the doctor's office. Which is to say, sexy. Don't act like you've never pleasured yourself to the anatomical chart on the door! Secondly: milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner where OMG SHE'S SHITTING CANDY CORNS!!

Ask Her About Her Molasses Swamp. No Wait, Don't [ugliesttattoos]

Thanks to Neil, who wanted a Chutes and Ladders tattoo but the artist convinced him to get Hi Ho Cherry-O instead. LOLWUT?!

Apr 26 2010 Student Creates Own Magic Major At College

Jordan Goldklang is a man. A man I like to call Jordan Goldwang: The Man With The Precious Peener. He hates it, but I can't help myself. And HE couldn't help himself from creating a magic major for himself at Indiana University. It was God's calling. No, no it wasn't. It was a powerful sorcerer's.

Dude is the nation's only magic major. Originally from the San Francisco area, Goldklang, a.k.a. The Great Jordini, used the individualized major program to create a magic major. He capped off his degree program Tuesday with a stage show.

Originally, he was intending to be a music major studying the violin. But some of his friends reminded him that another guy majored in the study of puzzles, and went on to become the New York Times puzzle editor.

That's f***ing awesome, I wish I'd studied magic in college. Instead I spent the whole time studying women. Well, technically it was women's lit. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I'M SO IN TOUCH WITH THE LADIES. Shoes shopping weight loss babies!

Indiana University student nation's only magic major [ellusionist]

Thanks to The Great Jordini himself, who I didn't realize was the one who sent me this tip until right now. Just go ahead and ignore the whole peener thing, Jordan. My bad.

Apr 26 2010 TMNTWTF?: The Look Of The New Turtles

I don't really keep up with movie news because that's IWatchStuff's job, but I did hear somebody's making a live-action version of the 'Lord of the Ring' series, so that's pretty exciting. I like turtles. But not this one, which is allegedly for the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle film due out in 2012.

"The basic idea, as I understand it, is to do an all live action shoot, with actors and stuntmen in full Turtle suits," said Laird. "To add expressiveness to the Turtles' faces which would be difficult if not impossible to get with animatronics and/or puppetry, there would be 'face replacement,' with CGI Turtle faces superimposed on the live action performers' heads."

In case you are not sure on what they are saying here its a lot like what Spike Jonze did with Where the Wild Things Are using Henson creations with cgi markers on the mouths to then computer generate realistic expressions

Now I love TMNT as much as the next guy, but that just doesn't look like a teenager to me. They might want to consider changing the name to Geriatric Mutant Ninja Turtles, amirite? Of course I am. Now -- who wants to break it to Michelangelo he's courting a potted plant?

Net Crawl: Possible New Look for New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles [fusedfilm]

Thanks to Jason, who once beat Shredder in a can-opening contest.

Apr 26 2010 Stephen Hawking Is Against Alien Contact

Seen here possibly competing on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire', renowned astrophysicist and genius Stephen Hawking is speaking out against alien contact. You know, because they'll kill us all. Seriously. Like with laserbeams and shit. Riiiiiiight. Lay off the Avatar, Steve!

"If aliens visit us, the outcome would be much as when Columbus landed in America, which didn't turn out well for the Native Americans," said the astrophysicist in a new television series, according to British media reports.

The programmes depict an imagined universe featuring alien life forms in huge spaceships on the hunt for resources after draining their own planet dry.

"Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach," warned Hawking.

On the probability of alien life existing, he says: "To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational.

"The real challenge is to work out what aliens might actually be like."

And to think you all called me crazy for blogging with a foil helmet on. Well who's laughing now?! Or, should I say, who's NOT being mind-controlled by the aliens to laugh now? You're all gonna die! Or, even worse, become alien pets. Remember the Tamagotchi craze? It's gonna be you on that keyring.

Aliens may exist but contact would hurt humans: Hawking [yahoonews]

Thanks to Charmin, who, wait -- ARE YOU THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THOSE DINGLEBERRY BEAR COMMERCIALS?!

Apr 26 2010 USS Enterprise Made Entirely Out Of Meat

I don't care if you're a Trekkie or not, this USS Meaterprise looks delicious. Go on, admit it: you know you'd let it boldly go where no man several guys have gone before: Uranus. God that never gets old.

Eat Up Trekkies! The Starship Enterprise Meat Sculpture [walyou]

Thanks to Jason, who once made a Millennium Falcon shaped hamburger patty. Uh, Jason -- aren't they all Millennium Falcons?

Apr 26 2010 Holy: Face Of Jesus Spotted In Google Maps

Okay, so maybe it's not actually Jesus. Maybe it's just the face of a hobo. Hey -- hobos have faces too you know. And you know what else they have? A stench that'll singe your nose hairs. But they don't have souls, which is why it's okay to nudge them with your car if they're sleeping in a prime parking spot. Like the sidewalk.
Google Maps

Thanks to Hop, who found Carmen Sandiego on Google Maps but can't remember where anymore. Think, Hop, think!

Apr 25 2010 Good Lookin': Amazing Zora Link Cosplay

DeviantARTist Zoroko went and created this Zora Link costume for herself to wear to Ohayocon. It looks good. No -- great. No -- AMAZING. It almost makes me wish I knew how to sew. But it DOES make me wish I could have sex underwater without drowning (I never learned to swim).

In the end I never really kept track of the final amount, but I estimate this costume cost at least $300. Each part took a good amount of time-I would say that the helmet was probably the most difficult out of the entire costume. It was interesting trying to get the helmet to fit comfortably and get it to stay on my head without any problems (lots and lots of hidden velcro!). The hat is filled with poly-fill to give it a more full overall look.

There are more details about how Zoroko made the costume over at her deviantART page if you're interested, but I'm having a hard time concentrating on anything but the whole underwater sex thing. And I'm not just saying that because I'm standing on a chair with my penis in the fishtank, but I 110% am. Dammit you little plastic pirate, put the rum down and pay attention to me!

Hit the jump for several more shots of the impressiveness.

Continue Reading " Good Lookin': Amazing Zora Link Cosplay "

Apr 25 2010 Well It's About Time: Smell Absorbing Paint

Smell absorbing paint, affectionately known in the wall-covering industry as pigmented anti-toot film, absorbs odors yet remains shit-smell free. I swear, the future: we're living in it.

Dutch Boy Refresh eliminates these volatile compounds, but goes one step further by incorporating technology that actually absorbs existing odors in the room. That sounds like just the thing for bathrooms and kitchens, especially if you have smelly pets. Dutch Boy says the paint will lock the odors onto the surface of the paint, yet somehow the actual walls remain odor free. Seeing as they worked with Arm & Hammer to develop this, you can probably assume that baking soda is a key ingredient.

You know who needs some Dutch Boy Refresh? Just about every gas station bathroom I've ever been in. Just don't go covering up all the "for a good time call" numbers. I spent a lot of time on those.

Paint that absorbs room odors, yet never smells bad [dvice]

Apr 25 2010 Cool: Geekologie Reader's Time-Lapse Tattoo

NOTE: Jump video is after the jump.

This is a two-minute time-lapse video of Geekologie Reader Joshua getting a steampunkish mechanical owl tattoo on his taint arm. The whole process took six hours, so basically you're watching at 180x. It kind of reminds me of Bubo from the original 'Clash of the Titans', which is an awesome movie and I won't have you bad mouthing it. Of course I've avoided seeing the new one because I don't want my childhood desecrated. And by "don't want my childhood desecrated" I mean I'm banned from the closest theater for exposing myself during 'Avatar'. 3-D makes me crazy!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Cool: Geekologie Reader's Time-Lapse Tattoo "

Apr 24 2010 Study: Women More Likely To Give Their Phone Number To A Guy With An iPhone

In a recent fake study released by Apple, women are more likely to give their number to a guy if he's toting an iPhone. And here I've just been toting my balls in a wheelbarrow!

CultofMac reports that a Phones4U survey of 1,500 women found that 54% of them would be more likely to give their digits and date an iPhone owner than a non-iPhone owner and 37% said that owning an iPhone makes a man seem more reliable.

The survey also found that iPhone owners were better groomed, more likely to have a good sense of humor, and better at conversation.

"There's just something about a man who's good with computers that makes him more trustworthy," said Lucy, a 23-year-old primary school teacher from London, in the press release. "If he's got the cash for an iPhone then he must be very good at his job, too."

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I DO have two iPhones. Does that make me twice as desirable to woman as single iPhone users? No. It's my natural charisma and devilish good looks. And, for the record, I'm TEN times as desirable to women. Twenty more than fanboys.

Women Found More Likely To Give Their Number to a Man With an iPhone [theiphonespot]

Thanks to Blaqk Panda, who needs six iPhones just to store all the ladies' numbers.

Apr 24 2010 Archie Comics' First Openly Gay Character

I always suspected Jughead was gay too, he's just not open about it. You've gotta admit -- dude loves the meat. Get it? Because he eats a lot of hamburgers! Wimpy from Popeye too.

On September 1st, Kevin Keller, Archie Comics' first openly gay character, will be welcomed into the town of Riverdale.

"The introduction of Kevin is just about keeping the world of Archie Comics current and inclusive. Archie's hometown of Riverdale has always been a safe world for everyone. It just makes sense to have an openly gay character in Archie comic books," stated Archie Comics Co- CEO, Jon Goldwater.

VERONICA #202 features the full-issue story, "Isn't it Bromantic?" that introduces Kevin, Archie Comics' first openly gay character. Kevin Keller is the new hunk in town and Veronica just has to have him. After Kevin defeats Jughead in a burger eating contest at Pop's Chocklit Shoppe, she desperately latches onto him. Mayhem and hilarity ensue as Kevin desperately attempts to let Veronica down easy and her flirtations only become increasingly persistent.

Nice, Archie, that's awesome. Or, you know, awful if you're a homophobic bigot.

Hit the jump for a panel of the comic in which Kevin and Jughead discuss Kevin's gayness.

Continue Reading " Archie Comics' First Openly Gay Character "

Apr 24 2010 I Know, You'd Hit It: A CAT-5 Lady Sculpture

We've all been there: you're setting up a up a new computer, you get a little distracted and next thing you know, BAM! -- you're experimenting sexually with a mess of tangled cables. Unfortunately, I didn't have the sense to shape them into something first. And it was still awesome. Well this is a self portrait by LA artist Kasey McMahon made from CAT-5 cables entitled 'Connected'. Because that's what cables do, they connect things. SAME GOES FOR PAPER CLIPS AND VELCRO. Now, can you name something else that connects things? What do you mean "muffins"?! Listen, I'd like to schedule a meeting with your parents. Not that it's any of your business, but I'm gonna tell them you're retarded.

Hit the jump for one more shot from the side.

Continue Reading " I Know, You'd Hit It: A CAT-5 Lady Sculpture "

Apr 23 2010 God You Fail So Hard: A Compilation Of People Sucking At Things In Commercials Before They Bought The Product Advertised

Note: Video of all the suckage is after the jump.

This is a little compilation video of all the failures-at-life in commercials who can't manage to do anything right without a new product. God I hate them. You know how many times the neighbors have called the cops because I've been screaming at these people through the television? Zero -- I cut all their phone lines digging a swimming pool.

Whenever a TV product commercial plays I bust a gut during the parts where they show us what we're doing wrong and why we need the product.

This is my tribute to the hilarious work the actors in these infomercials do.

Products in this video include (in alphabetical order)

Awesome Auger, Big City Slider, Big Top Cupcake, Bottle Tops, Bumpits, Buxton Palm Wallet, Cami Secret, Covermate, Crazy Critters, CrazyBraid, DepilSilk, Doggy Step, Egg Genie, Emery Cat, EZ Cracker, Grip N Twist, Dual Pro Peeler and Adjust-A-Slice, Handy Groomer spot, ISPEX, JML Exakt Saw, JML Keep Fresh Bags, JML Paint Sprayer Pro, JML Table Mate Dub, JumpSnap the Ropeless Jump Rope, Magic Tap, mighty mend it, Naptastic, Pedi Pistol - Home Pedicure Systems by Ped Egg, PediPaws, Perfect Brownie, Perfect Button, Perfect Patty, Perfect Shelf, Pet Cozy, Robostir, Shoe Dini, Shoes Under, Smart Spin, Snuggie, Spill Daddy Paint Pro, SteamBuddy, Tushee, Tiddy Bear, Tool Band, TurboSlice, Twin Draft Guard, Twist n Style, UGLU, UGO Bags, Urine Gone, Vidalia Slice Wizard, Zipits

Wow, I can honestly say I'm proud to only own eight of the products listed. And the only reason I have those is because sometimes I stay up late at night and drunk dial. Hesllo, Julie? I Wanan talk to JOLIE, PUT JILLIE ON THE PHLONE! *sobbing* WHy? WHY'd YOU LEaVES ME JULES? Isit causeof my drinkling? Cause IAM SLOBER NOW. HellO? Dual Pro Peeler? I'll take two.

Hit it for the fail-filled video.

Continue Reading " God You Fail So Hard: A Compilation Of People Sucking At Things In Commercials Before They Bought The Product Advertised "

Apr 23 2010 Who Knew?: N-64 Is Actually A Koala's Face

They say a picture's worth a thousand words, and based on the image a reader just sent me, those words are "this is my penis" 250 times. Thanks for that, guy. "Right-click, save as" aside, this is photographic evidence Nintendo designed the N-64 to look like a koala's face when viewed upside-down. Interesting. Rumor has it the Wii is supposed to resemble a penguin's phallus when viewed cross-eyed while nodding your head furiously, but I tried it and all I saw was a projectile vomit rainbow.

PSA [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Marion, who claims the PS3 looks like two PS3's dancing if you drink enough.

Apr 23 2010 Sure, Why Not: A Gerbil Wheel Bookshelf

I love books. I've read like six of them. One of them twice. My bookworm-y tendencies aside, this is a gerbil wheel bookshelf designed by artist David Garcia (I love your brother's band!). Unfortunately the wheel isn't on a stationary axle, so you'll probably walk yourself into a wall while reading. Or, even worse, traffic. Which reminds me -- did I tell you I saw a guy reading while driving yesterday? Well technically he had a porno mag spread on the passenger's seat and his junk in hand, but still. And they say reading is dead!

Screw e-books, get a circular walking bookshelf instead [dvice]

Apr 23 2010 Smokin' That Dagobah Dank: A Yoda Bong

Sure I'm three days late on making this a 4.20 post but you know what they say: stoners can't be -- hey let me have a bite of that sandwich. Where was I? Right, a Yoda bong. Are you gonna finish that soda? It's just my mouth feels so dry -- like I just ate a handful of sand. YOU'RE THE ONE THAT TOLD ME IT WAS POP ROCKS @$$HOLE! Oh my God I'm talking in symbols. Is my heart supposed to feel like this? It feels like it's gonna explode. Listen, I want you to call me an amberlamps.

You: Dammit GW, you're such an amberlamps.
Me: Jesus you actually want me do die, don't you? Hey you didn't tell me you got fries. Order me a milkshake. Pink, pink, I want pink. No, chocolate. Wait -- ask if they'll swirl them.

Yoda Bong Is Awesome [hailmaryjane]

Thanks to reado, who had a Death Star bong until those rebel scum broke it.

Apr 23 2010 It's Just So Beautiful: A History Of The Sky

A History of the Sky is a project by Ken Murphy in which he plans to collect 365 days worth of time-lapse video from the sky above San Francisco, and then slap them all together in a video mosaic, each cell representing one day, in chronological order. Impressive Ken, but have you considered using a Dewey Decimal order instead?

A History of the Sky reveals the rhythms of weather, the lengthening and shortening of days, and other atmospheric events on an immediate aesthetic level: the clouds, fog, wind, and rain form a rich visual texture, and sunrises and sunsets cascade across the screen.

This is a work in progress. Currently, an image of the sky is being captured every 10 seconds from a camera installed on the roof of the Exploratorium, on the edge of San Francisco Bay.

Each day's images are assembled into a time-lapse movie. The final piece will consist of a large mosaic of 365 movies, each representing one day of the year, arranged in order by date. The days all play back in parallel, so that at any given moment, one is looking at the same time of day across all of the days.

The video after the jump is of the 125 days Ken has collected so far, and I've got to admit: it's mesmerizing. Mesmerizing in a "holy shit I think those clouds just told me to kill my neighbor" kind of way. Mr. Kirby? But he's so nice! Fetch my shovel.

Hit it for the video and links to the project pages.

Continue Reading " It's Just So Beautiful: A History Of The Sky "

Apr 23 2010 Eye Candy: Badass Mushroom Kingdom Art

Because I'm on a deviantART (and mimosa) kick this morning, here comes a wicked-sick (I can say that because I'm cool) picture of the Mushroom Kingdom as envisioned by artist lastscionz. Pretty awesome, huh? I especially like how Yoshi reminds me of the Loch Ness monster because I've always had a crush on that bitch. And how bout that Bowser? Dude looks like Satan himself. If Satan weren't such a pitchfork-toting pussy. High-five, Jesus!

lastscionz's deviantART (with a higher-res shot for your viewing pleasure)

Thanks to P05TMAN and Chaemelion, who have both visited the Mushroom Kingdom before and agree it's a scary place. Especially if you've been eating the Toads.

Apr 23 2010 Piece Of Cake: The Hardcore Gamer Quiz

NOTE: This is only a small fraction of the whole graphic you gotta click HERE to see the entire thing (with an even larger version available at the artist's deviantART page).

Are you a hardcore gamer? Ever eaten a controller? Had relations with the hole in the middle of a Dreamcast disc? If so this quiz is for you. Also, therapy. A f***ing ton of it.

How hardcore are you? Can you name the 375 games and more than 425 characters from gaming's past, present and future? What 2 games here never came out? Which 10 characters are here more than once? Which character stars in the most games? Which games are represented solely by an enemy character, rather than the hero? Which 5 games are represented by just an object? Which characters were their console's mascots? Which is the oldest game here? Which characters are hunting or watching each other? Which characters are already dead? Where's the gibbed corpse? Where are teh 20 Fallout 3 Bobbleheads hidden? Why is the Geekologie Writer so gotdamn sexy all the time?

The quiz was created by deviantARTist shadow502t over the span of 8 months and is available for download and printing at 30" x 20" for a couple bucks at his deviantART page. Plus he says he'll release a key at some point with all the answers. TOO BAD I ALREADY GOT THEM ALL! Just kidding, I could only name like 30 (not including Master Chief because I don't know who that is), which probably makes you angry because you got all of them yet I'm the one writing Geekologie. Well I've got news for you: I only got 30 because I drank the other 395 out of my memory last night and have already played 30 different games this morning. WHOO, BACK IN THE SADDLE BABY!

Shadow502t's deviantART

Thanks to RoyBerto and Airen, who just looked at the picture once and have been playing in their minds all day because they have photographic memories.

Apr 23 2010 In A Bathroom Far, Far Away: Ackbar Toilet

This is an Admiral Ackbar toilet designed by artist Brendon Phillips (the man behind the Mega Man hoodie). I don't know about you, but I'd sit on it and do a crossword puzzle. Till my legs fell asleep. Then I'd try to stand and collapse on the bathroom floor, bringing a towel bar down with me. As I frantically mash the button to my Life Alert® personal emergency response system and see my life flash before my eyes, I'll wish I'd shat in Jar Jar's mouth instead.

Brendon's deviantART

Thanks to Brendon, who single-handedly manages to design all the products I'd actually want (now do a sex toy!).

Apr 22 2010 Yow Yow!: Sexy Hello Kitty/Pikachu Cosplay

Note: Hit the jump for the probably NSFW (pasties) uncensored image.

I guess the only real question is which one of these ladies to go after first. And I'm gonna have to go with Pikachu.

Hit it the jump to use boner. It will be super effective.

Continue Reading " Yow Yow!: Sexy Hello Kitty/Pikachu Cosplay "

Apr 22 2010 Drugs Are Bad: Guy Vs Flip-Flop At Coachella

NOTE: No matter how hard you click the picture above it's never gonna make the video play, so hit the jump to see it.

In an attempt to give the drunkest/drugged-est beer-buyer a run for his money, here comes a video from the recent Coachella music festival of some guy having so much fun (read: drugs) he can't get his flip-flops to cooperate. Those things can be tricky! The video's worth a watch, but mostly I just posted this so I could link back to the naked wizard at last year's Coachella. Remember him? Yeah, the one with the world's smallest penis. God that video does wonders for my self-esteem.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Drugs Are Bad: Guy Vs Flip-Flop At Coachella "

Apr 22 2010 Keepin' It Classy: Denim Buttcrack Covers

Because dogs shouldn't be the only ones with butt covers, somebody went and created Backtacular asscrack patches for ladies (link is NSFW). Classy, but I still prefer a girl with an eyepatch.

Backtacular is a hypoallergenic, decorative, adhesive patch that is applied directly to the skin above the upper cleft of the buttocks. Each package comes with two replacement tapes.

A two-pack of the Bedazzled denim patches will set you back $15. Alternatively, wear underwear. And none of those skanky whale-tail thongs either, I'm into those granny panties. Something I can use as a parachute if the apartment building catches fire.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the surrogate tramp-stamps.

Continue Reading " Keepin' It Classy: Denim Buttcrack Covers "

Apr 22 2010 That, Uh, That Looks Like Hell: More Eye Candy From The Solar Dynamics Observatory

Remember last week's crazy-ass sun picture and video? Well here come some more shots from the recently launched NASA Solar Dynamics Observatory. Just look at that! Amazing, isn't it? So majestic. So powerful. I mean, that's our sun right there -- tooting flames. God what I'd give to smell that.

UPDATE: Added amazingly amazing very worthwhile hot hot hot video after the jump.

Hit the jump for five more taken with different techniques, along with a link to the National Geographic article that explains what's happening in each one.

Continue Reading " That, Uh, That Looks Like Hell: More Eye Candy From The Solar Dynamics Observatory "

Apr 22 2010 Trustworthiness Of Beards/Mustaches Chart

NOTE: This is only a small portion of the chart so click HERE for the whole thing.

This is a chart used to determine how trustworthy a particular beard/mustache is. This is only a small portion of the tamer styles though, so you need to click the link above to see the whole thing. So -- how does your facial hair fare? Personally I can't grow any so I guess that makes me pretty trustworthy. You know, or 12-years old. Kidding, I'm 14 AND JUST GOT MY FIRST ARMPIT HAIR! *high-five* When I get two I'm gonna braid them. Plus add beads!

The Trustworthiness Of Beards [buzzfeed]

Thanks to lauren!, who agrees the goatee + mustache combo is far less trustworthy than this chart would lead you to believe.

Apr 22 2010 Stormtrooper Girl Graduates In Full Regalia

Seen here with C-3PO and Dane Cook, college grad Manja Pieters (BTDT -- had to get a salve from the witchdoctor) wore a full Stormtrooper costume to her graduation ceremony. Why? Hell I don't know, why did I wear a tophat and monocle to mine? Oh right, because I'm classy was dating Mr. Peanut and we always dressed alike.

Manja Pieters, 36, is one of 1360 Canterbury University students to graduate this week, and he paraded through central Christchurch in the costume yesterday before receiving her Bachelor of Fine Arts degree, majoring in film.

"I have graduated a few times before and I thought, `This is my final time - I'm going to go out with a bang'," she said.

Pieters said she grew up with movies such as Star Wars and directors like George Lucas and Steven Spielberg, who inspired her to study film.

Pieters, who had to remove her helmet to be capped, said some people appeared intimidated by the outfit, but "I'm short so I'm not that imposing".

"I'm short so I'm not that imposing" my ass! You ever seen those Lollypop Guilders from The Wizard of Oz? Now imagine a bunch of them together wearing Stormtrooper armor. Frightening enough to even scare the hair off Chewbacca's balls.

Stormtrooper graduate 'goes out with bang' [stuff]

Thanks to Simon and jimmy, who wore wings to graduation and are now both fully-licensed toothfairies.

Apr 22 2010 Suck It, Fast And Furious!: Real Tokyo Drifting

I'm taking credit for the double entendre in the title even though I didn't mean to do it. Sometimes stuff like that just happens WHEN YOU'RE A LEVEL 80 BLOGGER! The Geekologie Writer uses Words of Awesomeness. It's super effective! Anyway, this is a short video of a little girl drifting her training-wheeled bicycle with such style and grace Vin Diesel just cut the tire off his rope swing so he can hang himself.

Hit the jump for the action packed 5-second clip.

UPDATE: Added another video of girl eating the wall trying the same trick.

Continue Reading " Suck It, Fast And Furious!: Real Tokyo Drifting "

Apr 22 2010 Can't. Stop. Puking: Super-Stacked OREO

In a vain attempt to wash the taste of sausage gravy and vomit out of my mouth, here's an OREO cookie that's 99% cream filling. Looks good doesn't it? No, it looks like me dry heaving over the kitchen sink so hard I just popped a blood vessel in my forehead. Now, I want you to close your eyes and picture that for a second. Hey it's cool, you can touch yourself.

Oreo filling taken to absurd heights [reddit]

Thanks to BJ my PENN, who, you know I will!

Apr 22 2010 Weta Customized Halo XBox Marks Millionth Console Sold In Australia And New Zealand

This is an XBox customized by Richard Taylor at Weta Workshop to celebrate the millionth 360 sold in Australia and New Zealand. I'm not sure who the character is, but I suspect he's like an Australian G.I. Joe or something. As you can see, dude is shooting one side while some kind of fiery doodoo monster tries to escape out the other. YES THAT WAS A EUPHEMISM FOR TEQUILA SHOTS. Best one you've ever heard too.

Hit the jump for close-ups of the artistry.

Continue Reading " Weta Customized Halo XBox Marks Millionth Console Sold In Australia And New Zealand "

Apr 22 2010 Ssssh, She's Sleeping: The Girlfriend Pillow

I've seen girlfriend pillows before but nothing as sad and pathetic looking as this one. I mean, she doesn't even have a head. Or two arms. And why do her breasts look like two softballs? But on the upside, she is wearing a dishwashing glove so she probably knows her way around a kitchen. Plus she's only $10, making her one hell of a cheap date. Can I bring you breakfast in bed, my lovely? No? Just toss you in the washer with my socks? Okay cool.

Product Site

Thanks to Stripping The Pistol and Maggie, who both made surrogate lovers out of wood. Just not little boys like that pederast Geppetto.

Apr 21 2010 Delicious Convenience: The Gravy Machine

The Bob Evans branded gravy dispenser: the pinnacle of convenience store deliciousity. And you can own your own for the low, low cost of $635! At your cost of $0.78 a serving and a suggested retail price of $1.99, you're making a 61% profit per biscuit. I just ordered one and set it up in the lobby of my apartment building. I'm riding this gravy train all the way to Diarrhea Canyon!

Product Info PDF
via
Bob Evans Sausage Gravy Machine Is the Last Machine You'll Need [gizmodo]

Thanks to PhilRules, who once ate his weight in sausage gravy then puked his weight in sausage gravy.

Apr 21 2010 One Doesn't Fit: Google Auto-Complete

I swear, Canadians and their search queries. They must think the internet is nothing but dysfunctional relationships and video game character names. Well it's not. There's also porn and free music. What -- you still don't care? Hockey stats!

Why Is He Called Donkey Kong [kotaku]

Thanks to lewisredd, who once used the internet to complete a school project.

Apr 21 2010 Stop The Press!: US Mint Rolling Out New Anti-Counterfeit $100's Early Next Year

I honestly don't think I've ever even seen a $100 bill in real life, but maybe you have. Maybe you carry a rubberbanded roll of them around in your pocket. Hey you can admit it, I won't get jealous. Jesus, you really do? GIMME ALL YOUR MONEY OR I'LL CUT YOU!

There are a number of security features in the redesigned $100 note, including two new features, the 3-D Security Ribbon and the Bell in the Inkwell. These security features are easy for consumers and merchants to use to authenticate their currency.

The blue 3-D Security Ribbon on the front of the new $100 note contains images of bells and 100s that move and change from one to the other as you tilt the note. The Bell in the Inkwell on the front of the note is another new security feature. The bell changes color from copper to green when the note is tilted, an effect that makes it seem to appear and disappear within the copper inkwell.

There's a video unveiling of the new bill after the jump, which I used as my inspiration for drawing a new $1 billion bill with my face on it. And it has catchy slogans like, "PEW PEW PEW!" and, "IN ROBOTS WE DON'T TRUST". Plus if you hold it up to the light there's a dinosaur! It's real classy, but just risque enough to pleasure yourself to if you can't find a National Geographic. Which was my intention.

Hit it for the patriotic unveiling.

Continue Reading " Stop The Press!: US Mint Rolling Out New Anti-Counterfeit $100's Early Next Year "

Apr 21 2010 ROFLSpiders: The Anti-LOLCats Website

ROFLSpiders is supposed to be the antithesis of LOLCats, but it looks like the exact same thing except with spiders. I think it's ironic or something.

The site is a reaction to the crappy image macro and demotivationals sites taking the place of real comedy. Most of the submissions are from cracked.com contributors wanting to vent their rage. Thanks for your time, and sorry if this was the wrong way to submit something for you guys to look at.

I don't get it. But you know what I do get? A shit-ton of unsolicited emails selling boner pills. I've tried them all but nothing works. Well nothing but hanging out in the men's locker room. I think it's all the testosterone.

ROFLSpiders

Thanks to Roger, who's in ur hair, laying eggs.

Apr 21 2010 Einstein's Desk At The Time Of His Death

This is a never-before released shot of Albert Einstein's desk the day he died. And you know what they say: a cluttered desk is a sign of genius. Also, laying on the couch with a laptop scorching your privates. Guilty as charged!

Einstein's desk [kottke]

Thanks to Mary, who's convinced the notes on the blackboard hold the key to time travel.

Apr 21 2010 And You Want It Back? LOLWUT?!

This is a Craigslist post by some guy who slept with a random chick one night only to catch her slipping one of his flash drives in her hooha post-coitus. Wow, sounds like something a spy would do.
....
....
You slept with James Bond, bro! *high-five*

Craigslist (won't last forever)
via
"You stuck my flash drive in your vagina - m4w - 25 (philadelphia)" [gizmodo]

Thanks to Divo, who slept with a girl once and didn't realize his printer was missing until the next day.

Apr 21 2010 Steve Woz Pees Off The Back Of His Segway

This is a picture (probably old) of Steve Wozniak pissing off the back of his Segway while a little mustachioed man plays with his wiener in the background. Steve and those Segways, I swear. I heard he even insists on having one in bed with him while he's making love. Steve you kinky!

Laziest People Ever [collegehumor]

Thanks to cocoa, who I'm hiring as a female paparazzo so she can infiltrate the women's restroom and get the pictures that'll make you puke.

Apr 21 2010 Thief Makes Off With Man's iPad, Finger

Sorry for the late start today, folks. It was The Superficial Writer's last night in town yesterday and we literally JUST got out of jail. Plus I'm missing a shoe. In less interesting news, some guy had his just-purchased iPad stolen and the thief managed to make off with part of dude's finger. Brutal!

a Denver-area man headed out to his local Apple store to pick up an iPad for a colleague (read: not even for himself), and in an interview, he admits to not even really understanding the fascination with Apple's new product. After doing his good deed and plopping down the plastic, he casually curled the strings atop the Apple bag around his hand as he headed for the exits. Unfortunately, a pair of thugs met him along the way, yanking the bag, the iPad and all of the flesh surrounding his pinky finger as they bolted for a getaway.

That's a security camera shot of the thief there, so if you're in the Denver area and have any information besides "it looks like he's wearing athletic shorts", you can notify the police. But what about those of you that live in LA? If you live in the LA you should notify the police if you find a gray Puma.

Thieves snag iPad from buyer, yank a finger off while they're at it [engadget]

Thanks to Chris, Ickorus and jimmy, who used to steal kids' lunch money and noses in middle school.

Apr 20 2010 Which Drunk Kind Of You Are: The Flowchart

This is a flowchart to determine what kind of drunk you are. Well -- which one are you? Truthfully, I don't really touch the stuff myself so I guess that makes me a lying drunk. An awesome, well-endowed one! Did I ever tell you about the time I fought off a plane full of terrorists all by myself? I did, and I got to a key to the country THAT HAS YET TO WORK AT A SINGLE LIQUOR STORE. Gotdamnit government, no I don't want cheese instead!
....
....
Is that pepperjack?

Alcohol Flowchart [collegehumor]

Thanks to cocoa, the happiest lil boozer since Papa Smurf.

Apr 20 2010 Of Course: 'Big Bang Theory' Parody P0rn0

Note: Trailer is after the jump.

This is a screenshot from a porno parody of 'The Big Bang Theory'. I dunno, maybe it's for you. Me? I don't watch adult movies, I live them. Did somebody call a plumber? No? Electrician? Did you order a pizza? I'M HERE TO BONE DAMMIT. Pepperoni sausage Canadian bacon!

New Sensations, the studio that brought you the AVN Award winning "30 Rock: A XXX Parody," presents a parody of one of the funniest & most popular shows on TV - The Big Bang Theory: A XXX Parody.

When four geniuses (Sheldon, Leonard, Raj, & Howard) realize that the only boobs they ever see are in their Slavegirl Space Princess wet dreams, they do the math and come up with an equation for attracting horny young women! With a huge comic-book convention coming up, they only have a short amount of time to try out the formula on their beautiful blonde neighbor Penny, their hot co-workers, and slutty cosplay girls. Will they have enough time to find some good Mario costumes for the show?

I was going to write something down here but then I figured you all just hit the jump to watch the video and then to the website to buy the damn thing. And by " to the website to buy the damn thing" I mean "to ThePirateBay to download for free". Just sayin', it's there.

Hit it for the trailer.

Continue Reading " Of Course: 'Big Bang Theory' Parody P0rn0 "

Apr 20 2010 Goodbye, Strangers: The Arm Sleeper Pillow

The Arm Sleeper Pillow is a grossly overpriced ($99) head receptacle that has a groove underneath so you can sleep on your arm without cutting off the circulation and having to get it amputated. Of course, this also means no more strangers when you wake up, so it's kind of a trade-off. Now if they just made something similar that prevented my legs from falling asleep when I'm blogging from the can I'd be money. You know how they say 70% of household accidents happen in the bathroom? WELL HOW'S IT AN ACCIDENT IF YOU MADE IT TO THE BATHROOM?! Shitting in the kitchen, now that's an accident.

Pillow Gives Arm Sleepers a Little Circulatory Relief [uberreview]

Apr 20 2010 Awh, He's Cutting His Teddy Bear's Head Off

If you want to raise a good chainsaw massacre-er you have to start 'em young. Same goes for bloggers. Which is exactly why I rest my balls on the keyboard. ccccccccxccxzzxxxxxzzzzzzz LEFTY -- WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT TYPING?!

The chainsaw and the severed arm plush are a creation of Steff Bomb, of which the Chainsaw plush is a limited edition 20 piece toy that sells for $30 while the severed arm sells for $25, and for collectors there is a combo offer that offers both the toys at $50.

You know, this reminds me of the first time I ever saw a magician cut a girl in half. It was after a show, I saw him throw the legs in a dumpster too.

Hit the jump for a close-up of the hand. Pfft, like you've never seen a severed hand before!

Continue Reading " Awh, He's Cutting His Teddy Bear's Head Off "

Apr 20 2010 Sheath That Lightsaber, Son!: Vader Condom

This is allegedly a Darth Vader condom from France. It looks like a Photoshop job but it's cute regardless because the message reads, "I will not be your father!" At least that's supposedly what it says, I don't speak French. It could read, "We poked a bunch of holes in the end!" for all I know.

Darth Vader Condom [palahniukandchocolate]

Thanks to Blaqk Panda, who just uses snack-sized Doritos bags. What's that, Blaqk? Oh, sorry -- family-sized Doritos bags. Dude's hung like a grocery aisle!

Apr 20 2010 I'm NOT Drunk: The Irresponsible Video Game

This is a fake video game called I'm NOT Drunk. It's the most irresponsible video game I've ever seen (today) because the entire objective is to convince people you're okay to drive despite being wasted. Well I've got news for you: you're NEVER okay to drive if you've been drinking. Or are a woman. I'M NOT SEXIST, YOU'RE SEXIST. Plus sexy. So, do you forgive me for the whole "women can't drive" thing? Thank you, it really means a lot to me. But seriously, a couple lessons wouldn't kill you.

Hit it for the actual video. BUT NOT IF YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING. Smoking okay.

Continue Reading " I'm NOT Drunk: The Irresponsible Video Game "

Apr 20 2010 Why Is My Son's XBox Account Suspended?

Note: Image is small so click HERE to see the full size one, then laugh.

Wait -- you can get your account suspended for that? But, uh, it's still cool during Peggle, right?

Picture

Thanks to Larry, who doesn't expose anything but his true feelings during online play. Jesus, YOU'RE the crying guy?!

Apr 20 2010 Kid Finds Weed In Blockbuster Video Game

Because it's 4.20 and I just wouldn't feel right if I didn't make at least one weed related post, some 4-year old found a bag of ganja in a used video game case his dad bought him from Blockbuster. Note to self: don't hide weed in rented video games. Oooh -- and buy more chocolate milk.

Andy Brown, 30, bought his son a used copy of Fight Night Round 4 from a local Blockbuster.

"He'd only been playing the game ten minutes when he came down with the bag in his hand and asked, 'Daddy, what's this?'" Brown told the Sun. "I checked and realized. I was horrified and took it off him straight away."

"They should be checking all the boxes before they sell them," Brown told the Sun. "What if he'd thought it was sweets, and started munching away? It doesn't bear thinking about."

First of all, if your kid mistakes a bag of weed for sweets it's your fault for always telling him broccoli is candy. And secondly, you want to know what would have happened if he DID eat it? Not a whole lot, unless he was crushing that shit like Cookie Monster at a bake sale. Ever self-respecting scientist knows the human body is incredibly ineffective at metabolizing ingested THC that hasn't been bound to another fat. Now if he'd rendered the weed in butter and made pot brownies, that would be a whole different story. One that ends with your son convinced he's a boxer in a video game. Been there, done that, amirite? Suck it, Soda Popinski!

Boy finds marijuana in video game case [canoe]

Thanks to shackleford, who once ate 1/4 pound before realizing it was frozen spinach.

Apr 20 2010 Shut Your Pie Hole!: Creepy Robotic Mouth

This is a robotic mouth created to help the hearing impaired learn to articulate their speech better. It's a learning tool. One I just set on fire and kicked down the stairs.

To enable the robot's speaking abilities, engineers at Japan's Kagawa University used an air pump, artificial vocal chords, a resonance tube, a nasal cavity, and a microphone attached to a sound analyzer as substitutes for human vocal organs. The robot not only talks, but it uses a learning algorithm to mimic the sounds of human speech. By inputting the voices of both hearing-impaired and non-hearing-impaired people into the microphone, researchers were able to plot the differences in sound on a map. During speech training, the robot "listens" to the subjects talk while comparing their pronunciation to that of subjects who are not hearing-impaired. The robot then generates a personalized visualization that allows subjects to adjust their pronunciation according to the target points on the speech map.

Admittedly that's pretty neat, but I suspect there's a much more devious robotic plan involved. You know those scary-ass fish with a million teeth that live way down in the ocean and have that little light they dangle around to catch fish? Well this is like the same thing, except for human peckers.

Hit it for the video if you like torturing yourself.

Continue Reading " Shut Your Pie Hole!: Creepy Robotic Mouth "

Apr 20 2010 Pretty Wasted In Pink: Man Arrested, Loses License For DUI In Barbie Power Wheels

Paul Hutton is a grown-ass man who managed to score a DUI in a Barbie Power Wheels. Nice, Paul, I bet your daughter is proud embarrassed as f***.

Mr Hutton, who has four children Simon, 17, Calum, 14, Laina, 12, and John, 11, admitted being a 'complete twit'.

Speaking after the hearing at Colchester magistrates court, he said: "You have to be a contortionist to get in, and then you can't get out.

Mr Hutton, was found to be twice the drink-drive limit, he said.

He was given a mandatory three-year ban because he had received another drink-drive ban within the past ten years.

Chairman of the bench Neil Munson said: "This is most unusual.

"The vehicle is not even capable of doing the speed of a mobility scooter and could be outrun by a pedestrian.

Jesus Paul -- you were getting passed by Hoverounds? That's probably the most emasculating thing I've heard all week. I would have cut those old folks off. At the knee-caps. Hacking granny's legs off -- shit just got real, son!

Man loses licence after drink-driving in toy Barbie car [telegraph]

Thanks to Ter-Bear, who once got wasted and drove a whole 12" submarine sandwich down in three minutes.

Apr 19 2010 Future Serial Killers: Kids' Drawings Painted Realistically

This is a little gallery of children's drawings copied and painted realistically by Dave Devries as part of a project called Monster Engine. What's Monster Engine? The opposite of an angel caboose, silly!

Eleven years ago Dave Devries started the Monster Engine project with one single question: What would a child's drawing look like if it were painted realistically?

The process is simple. I project a child's drawing with an opaque projector, faithfully tracing each line. Applying a combination of logic and instinct, I then paint the image as realistically as I can. My medium is mixed--primarily acrylic, airbrush, and colored pencil.

Dave admittedly does a great job, but I'm still convinced most of these kids are, or will soon be, serial killers. Don't get me wrong, I've been known to crush a box of Count Chocula in my day, but -- you see where this is going? I hate myself already.

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " Future Serial Killers: Kids' Drawings Painted Realistically "

Apr 19 2010 You're All Gonna Die!: LOST Tarot Cards

This is a series of LOST themed tarot cards designed by Alex Griendling. Now I've never had a tarot card reading before because I'm against black magic, but I did go to get my palm read once. You know what the lady had the nerve to tell me? Come back when you've shaved your palm. DON'T JUDGE ME, WITCH!

Hit the jump for two close-ups and a link to Alex's Flickr with all the individual cards.

Continue Reading " You're All Gonna Die!: LOST Tarot Cards "

Apr 19 2010 Needs More Power: A Motorized Surfboard

Because eventually everything will have a motor and AI and want to kill you, somebody is manufacturing motorized surfboards. The PowerSki Jetboard is basically a bare-bones Jet Ski made for surfing when there aren't any waves. Plus it can reach speeds up to 40MPH, which is just fast enough to outrun a shark. Did you hear that, Jaws? You're not eating this ass! What? NO YOU CAN'T JUST NIBBLE AT THE DINGLEBERRIES.

Hit the jump for a video of the watersports in action. NO NOT PEEING.

Continue Reading " Needs More Power: A Motorized Surfboard "

Apr 19 2010 Star Trek Science: Anatomy Of A Tribble

Tribbles, the lovable Star Trek fluffballs best known for turning into Gremlins if you get them wet, aren't just made of a bunch of pubes glued together like I previously thought. No, it turns out they actually have body parts, including, and virtually limited to: sexual organs. And speaking of sexual organs: somebody call the piano repairman, I've really done it this time.

Anatomy Of A Tribble [buzzfeed]

Apr 19 2010 That's Real Life Right There: What REALLY Happens After Rescuing The Princess

Note: Video is aaaaafter the jump.

You ever wonder what really happens after you rescue the princess at the end of a video game? The exact same thing that would happen in real life, that's what. Because SPOILER: princesses are only after your coins. Just like the real womens. They may say they love you, but really they just want you to buy them fancy things until they run off with a Brazilian masseuse or tell you they've been gay the whole time. Ha, can I see through you ladies or what? I'm tempted to write a book just so guys stop falling for your witchcraft.

Women are the ones with breasts but no penis. They smell good but get nervous if they catch you whiffing their hair on the bus. [Add more stuff here as you learn it]

End book.

Hit the jump to stick it to the man for six minutes.

Continue Reading " That's Real Life Right There: What REALLY Happens After Rescuing The Princess "

Apr 19 2010 The Apocalypse Nears: Awesome Shots Of Iceland's Recent Volcanic Eruptions

This is a little gallery of what the apocalypse of 2012 is going to look like [editor's note to self: remember to come back and change the date to 2015 if the whole 2012 shit is a bust], courtesy of the recent volcanic eruptions in Iceland. Doesn't look like a very good place for a honeymoon, does it? Of course not, who the f*** would ever take their bride to Iceland?! Yeti 3-way: NO THANKS (been there, done that, couldn't look my buddy in the face ever again). Anyway, not to brag or anything but I've sat in an active volcano before and it was pretty hot but not unbearable. You ever gotten drunk in a hot tub before? Okay well it's nothing like that. Dammit T-Rex, I told you to stop tooting in the tub or we're not gonna have any water left! Also, I don't know what you've been eating but that smell is unholy.

Hit the jump for several more of the aaaaaah we're all gonna die!

Continue Reading " The Apocalypse Nears: Awesome Shots Of Iceland's Recent Volcanic Eruptions "

Apr 19 2010 So You Need A Typeface: The Flowchart

NOTE: This ain't the whole thing so you need to beat THIS BUTTON with your cursor like you'd do a dirty rug with a broom handle.

Having trouble picking just the write (see what I did there?) typeface for a project? Well fear not, because graphic designer Julian Hansen (Mmmm Bop!) created the 'So You Need A Typeface' flowchart. You just start in the middle, answer some questions, and before you know it you've wasted a half hour and can't remember why you're staring at a typeface flowchart in the first place. Now I don't know about you, but I don't need a flowchart to typeface. FACE! See? Don't worry, I'm going to hurt myself for that later.

Julian Hansen's Portfolio
via
So You Need a Typeface Provides Semi-Snarky (But Useful) Font Advice [lifehacker]

Thanks to TobyRaider, who don't pick fonts, fonts pick him. Plus he always gets chosen first for dodgeball.

Apr 19 2010 That's, Uh, That's Disgusting: The Rectum Bar

The Rectum Bar in Vienna is a bar shaped like an anatomically correct rectum. I think we can all agree it brings new meaning to the phrase, "getting butt-ass drunk", amirite? No? YEAH WELL YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT! Yes, that was a rectal related tie-in. God I'm L337.

The designer Atlier Van Lieshout explains the project as following:

BarRectum, Arsch Bar, Asshole Bar, Bar Anus. While the translations sound different, the form is universally recognizable. The bar takes its shape from the human digestive system: starting with the tongue, continuing to the stomach, moving through the small and the large intestines and exiting through the anus. While BarRectum is anatomically correct, the last part of the large intestine has been inflated to a humongous size to hold as many drinking customers at the bar as possible. The anus itself is part of a large door that doubles as an emergency exit.

Listen: as a guy who's no stranger to kneeling in front of the toilet puking and shitting on his heels at the same time, I've got to admit I can't believe I just told you that. It's cool, it was a lie anyways. Yes, a lie. That's totally never happened to me, including definitely not last Thursday.

Hit the jump for a bunch more shots of the WHY GOD WHY?

Continue Reading " That's, Uh, That's Disgusting: The Rectum Bar "

Apr 19 2010 Steve Jobs Is Piiiiiiissed: New iPhone Leaked

These are pictures of Apple's new iPhone. They're real too -- apparently a drunk Apple employee left the thing at a bar in Redwood City. Their body hasn't been recovered. Steve did it! Anyway, Gizmodo managed to get a hold of the thing and disassemble it, these are the big finds:

What's new

• Front-facing video chat camera
• Improved regular back-camera (the lens is quite noticeably larger than the iPhone 3GS)
• Camera flash
• Micro-SIM instead of standard SIM (like the iPad)
• Improved display. It's unclear if it's the 960x460 display thrown around before--it certainly looks like it, with the "Connect to iTunes" screen displaying much higher resolution than on a 3GS.
• What looks to be a secondary mic for noise cancellation, at the top, next to the headphone jack
• Split buttons for volume
• Power, mute, and volume buttons are all metallic

What's changed

• The back is entirely flat, made of either glass (more likely) or shiny plastic in order for the cell signal to poke through. Tapping on the back makes a more hollow and higher pitched sound compared to tapping on the glass on the front/screen, but that could just be the orientation of components inside making for a different sound
• An aluminum border going completely around the outside
• Slightly smaller screen than the 3GS (but seemingly higher resolution)
• Everything is more squared off
• 3 grams heavier
• 16% Larger battery
• Internals components are shrunken, miniaturized and reduced to make room for the larger battery

There you have it, the iPhone 4G. I've got to admit: I'm actually kind of excited about it. Sure the shape's gonna make it a little less comfortable to stash in your butt, but if you can already get an iPad up there you shouldn't have any trouble. My only real concern is whether or not they've worked out all the bugs from the 3GS. Namely the one that dials my exgirlfriends and cries uncontrollably.

Hit it for a couple more shots, a video and links to in-depther reviews of the thing.

Continue Reading " Steve Jobs Is Piiiiiiissed: New iPhone Leaked "

Apr 19 2010 Not So Super: Chinese Superhero Knockoffs

This is a little gallery of Chinese superhero knockoffs. Like Spader-Man here. Why the manufacturers don't just go the extra mile and use the copywritten names is beyond me, but I suspect it has something to do with honor and morals. Wait, did I say honor and morals? Because I meant bad translation.

Hit it for five more worthwhile characters including Robert-Cop 3, Star Knight (WIN) and Specialman.

Continue Reading " Not So Super: Chinese Superhero Knockoffs "

Apr 18 2010 I'll Tear You Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb!: Octopus Steals A Recording Camera

Note: Video is after the jump.

This is a video of an octopus stealing some guy's video camera while he was trying to film it. And if that weren't bad enough, the tentacled bastard proceeds to swim away with the thing and dude has to give chase to get his equipment back. Geez, what an 8-armed jerk. And that is EXACTLY why I'm going for sushi tonight. And by sushi I mean Hamburger Helper. And by Hamburger Helper I mean Hamburger Helper with no hamburger :(

Hit it for the subtitled video.

Continue Reading " I'll Tear You Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb From Limb!: Octopus Steals A Recording Camera "

Apr 18 2010 BUTTONS LOTS OF BUTTONS TO PUSH

I love pushing buttons. One time I even pressed the big red one after a guy with a badge and gun told me not to. You want to know what happened? I BET YOU WOULD! Anyway, soundboards are nothing new but I like this one and it has lots of appropriate buttons to push when coworkers come around asking questions and wanting to talk about things. But mostly I just hit the TROLLOLOLOL one and plug my ears and mouth, "I can't hear you" Then they'll usually mouth back, "take your f***ing fingers out of your ears". And that's when I nut-punch them.

Instantsfun

Thanks to R3d1st and Romeo, who were both smart enough to avoid the "EPIC?!" button.

Apr 18 2010 One's Never Enough: Guy's 2nd Avatar Tattoo

Because the first one was kind of crappy looking, Avatar tattoo guy decided to take another stab at it and got Neytiri #2 on his opposite shoulder. Per some of his wall posts:

thats 2 tattoos out of 6 4 more to go this year and next year will be the back ground this was 5 hrs of pain this one hurt but worth it

hoping if i can to have them all done by the re release of the movie in late summer you look at this tat in person dam the detail is something else he did a excillent job

well m,e i have never seen a movie more than once EVER in theatre except avatar and would watch it every day all day if i could

i can watch this all day and night dam shes gorgious

So you're going for six, huh? Too bad I already have eight! I AM THE NA'VI TATTOO KING! Plus I was born with them so you know I'm the chosen one. Chosen for what is anybody's guess, but I'm going with jury duty. Wait -- gotdamnit.

Hit it for a bunch more shots of the different strokes for different folks.

Continue Reading " One's Never Enough: Guy's 2nd Avatar Tattoo "

Apr 17 2010 Dogs Love Trucks Planes: Weightless Dog

This is a video of two enema bags in an airplane doing a nosedive so the dog in the back experiences weightlessness. I can't tell if he liked it or not, but my guess is no. Dogs, as a rule, like their feet on the ground and their tongues on their privates. And can you blame them? You can't. But you can blame them if they sleep with you at night and toot in their sleep. DAMMIT CHLOE YOU'RE GIVING ME NIGHTMARES!

Hit it for the short video.

Continue Reading " Dogs Love Trucks Planes: Weightless Dog "

Apr 17 2010 This: From The Same Man Who Brought Us Batman Stabbing A Shark With A Lightsaber

Remember artist Andrew Zubko's rendition of 'Batman Stabbing A Shark With A Lightsaber'? I know, it belongs in a museum! Well Andrew was asked to create a cover for The Portland Mercury using reader submitted elements, and this is the result: 'An Arguably Pregnant Betty White In Slave Leia Costume And Cape With A Flaming Chainsaw Riding a John Ritter Centaur Through The Apocalypse'. I don't know about you, but this thing's got me so worked up I'm considering a cold shower. Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer a warm one, but I broke the hot knob off playing with it like a nipple. F***ing Hulk-tweaked it right off in my hand.

What You Hath Wrought: This Week's Mercury Cover, Featuring Betty White, John Ritter, and a Flaming Chainsaw. [portlandmercury]
and
Epic Nerd Art: Betty White, Weilding Flaming Chainsaw, Riding Centaur John Ritter...In A Cape [nerdbastards]

Thanks to Misty and Zach, who both agree the picture could use a little more dino-erotica.

Apr 17 2010 The Shake Weight: Not Just For Women!

Remember the Shake Weight, the only piece of exercise equipment than can guarantee you'll be able to milk a bull 4x faster with only six minutes of use a day? Well originally it was only targeted at the womens. But not any more -- now there's a men's model! I ordered two last week, one for each hand, and admittedly: I can already feel the difference. Mostly because I tore my penis off.

Hit it for the commercial but, WARNING: It's gonna make you hotter than a volcano.

Continue Reading " The Shake Weight: Not Just For Women! "

Apr 16 2010 OMG THE SUN'S GONNA KILL US ALL!

This is a picture of the sun's most violent eruption in 15 years (possibly because that comet didn't agree with him), which happened just a few days ago on April 12th and 13th. Amazingly, we all didn't die. Well at least I didn't, I haven't actually left the apartment since Monday. Hello? Is anybody out there? HELLO?!

The STEREO (Ahead) spacecraft caught this spectacular eruptive prominence in extreme UV light as it blasted away from the Sun (Apr. 12-13, 2010). This was certainly among the largest prominence eruptions seen by either the STEREO or SOHO missions. The length of the prominence appears to stretch almost halfway across the sun, about 500,000 miles. Prominences are cooler clouds of plasma that hover above the Sun's surface, tethered by magnetic forces. They are notoriously unstable and commonly erupt as this one did in a dramatic fashion.

There's a worthwhile video of the eruption after the jump, but I don't recommend watching it if you're the least bit worried about the end of the world because you'll probably flip your shit and end up running down the middle of the street naked screaming about how the sky is falling. So, yeah, if you're gonna do that I don't want you watching it. I want you watching it twice. Do it! DO IT NOW, SISSY!

Hit it for the video action.

Continue Reading " OMG THE SUN'S GONNA KILL US ALL! "

Apr 16 2010 All The Cool Kids Are Doing It: Boy Skirts

Apparently there's a growing trend in Japan of guys wearing girl's skirts. And, more than likely, Pokémon panties. Oh did I say Pokémon? Because I meant Hello Kitty.

Skirts are not only for girls any more in Japan. There are also boys that wear "Skirts" in trendy cities such as Harajuku and Aoyama.

Boy skirts are not brand new, they have been done by Jean Paul Goltier and Vivian Westwood, but this fashion is spreading as it gets trendier among today's Tokyo boys of fashion.

Long black skirts are the most popular, but some boys wear short skirts over pants. The most popular skirts are going for over $200.

WTF? Now listen: I'll be the first one to admit I put on my girlfriend's bra and panties and dance around the apartment like a pretty little girl whenever she goes to work, but men wearing women's clothes out in public just ain't right. Unless you're cross dressing, then it's cool. BUT NO TRICKING ME INTO THINKING YOU DON'T HAVE A PENIS WHEN YOU REALLY DO. *ahem* I'm looking at you, bearded lady.

Skirt Boys - Lifting Up in Numbers [bionicbong]

Thanks to Hollie, who may or may not wear men's boxer shorts to bed at night (your secret's safe with me).

Apr 16 2010 That's Quality Journalism: USA Today Fail

This is a screenshot Geekologie Reader (and all around handsome devil) Beau sent me from his iPod Touch of what is arguably the best written and hardest hitting piece of journalism USA Today has ever produced. Amirite or amirite? jkl;kjl;;lkjjkl;jkl;

Flickr

Thanks Beau, and remember: when you don't feel like writing, just mashing keys is the next best thing.

Apr 16 2010 I'd X-Wing A Quarter At Him: Homeless Jedi

I don't know what it is about this guy, but I really wanna throw a handful of change at him. Except not actual change, just a handful of washers. Then while Luke Panhandler there is scurrying around picking them up I'll steal his lightsaber. Well, provided he hasn't already pawned it to support his glitterstim habit. Kidding, kidding -- that's what Jedi blow-j's are for.

Flickr

Thanks to Cowbell Fever, who, CRANK THAT BELL UP TO 11 AND BREAK OFF THE CLAPPER! Wait, no -- better leave the clapper.

Apr 16 2010 Not In This House: Creepy-Ass Sauron Face

This is a sculpture of Sauron as imagined by artist Bob Basset. Which, yikes. You remember how scary that mother looked in all the Lord of the Ring movies? I don't, my mom had to cover my eyes every time they showed him because she said it was too scary for me. Also, whenever Gollum or any of those other scary-ass monsters was on screen. Basically I only saw 30 minutes of the whole trilogy and have no idea what it was about. A love story about some midget's quest to return his wife's wedding ring? Am I getting warm?

Hit the jump for two more shots of the hell no I don't want that staring at me while I'm trying to sleep.

Continue Reading " Not In This House: Creepy-Ass Sauron Face "

Apr 16 2010 Curses!: Photoshop's New Content Aware Filter Is Good, Unfortunately Not That Good

For those of you who haven't heard because you live under rocks or in the middle of haystacks, Adobe dropped a new version of Photoshop earlier this week. And one of the big features it's hocking is a new "content-aware" filter that lets you select and delete objects out of a picture, and the program will use the information surrounding the object to effectively fill in the missing data (video demo after the jump). Unfortunately, it didn't work to remove Olivia Munn's top. Well, technically it DID, but only if you're into boobs that look like fleshy pancake batter. Which I'm not (funnel cake titties FTW).

Hit the jump for an Adobe employee demonstrating the content aware filter on the world's most boring picture.

Continue Reading " Curses!: Photoshop's New Content Aware Filter Is Good, Unfortunately Not That Good "

Apr 16 2010 Damn Those Look Cool: Chariot Skates

Because rollerbladez aren't cool anymore but some people still can't shake the feeling they need wheels strapped to their feet, inventor MICHAEEEEEL JEEEEEENKINS! invented Chariot Skates. What are Chariot Skates? F***ing ridiculous looking for one.

Costing up to $11,000 for a pair, the wheel-skate features two large carbon fibre wheels. The skater's feet are suspended below the axle, which is believed to enable a smoother ride than skiing or cycling and can be worn for hours without discomfort.

It can also reach a top speed of 40km/h (~25MPH).

To pull up, skaters need to do a "t-stop," where one foot is dragged sideways on the road surface.

Mr Jenkins, 50, came up with the idea by combining his favourite forms of transport - skiing, cycling and skating. He then started developing it from his garage in 2004.

Everybody dug my Leroy Jenkins tribute up there, right? Cool, I did that just for you. Also, I don't know if Chariot Skates could get any cooler UNLESS YOU STRAPPED ROCKETZ TO THE SIDES, AMIRITE?! Hey, it's Wyle E. Coyote would do. Isn't that right, Wyle? WYLE?! Haha, what are you doing at the bottom of that ravine?

Hit the jump for several more shots and a couple videos of the Ben-Hur blades in action.

Continue Reading " Damn Those Look Cool: Chariot Skates "

Apr 16 2010 Yay!: Star Wars Uncut Reaches Completion

Remember Star Wars Uncut, the online project in which 473 people recreated 15-second clips from Star Wars: A New Hope with cardboard costumes and/or LEGO and the world's shittiest CGI? Well the project has been completed, and there's a five minute trailer after the jump. And I'm not talking a double wide either. Get it? Mobile home joke!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Yay!: Star Wars Uncut Reaches Completion "

Apr 16 2010 Today Only: Battle-Dino Shirt At Tee Fury

I've been trying to avoid posting t-shirts lately because a lot of you think t-shirt articles are lame, but then I realized I'm a man who has to follow his heart ask his mom for a ride to the mall later, and I should do whatever I want. Plus this is a f***ing dino with lasers and a battle axe. It's very Dino-Riders. And if you're not into that I'm not even sure you should be here in the first place. Doctors should probably smush you back up into your mom's vagina UNTIL YOU GROW A BRAIN. Also, an extra inch or two down there certainly wouldn't kill your girlfriend either. Plus you'd stop soaking your pubes every time you pee (you cry because it's true). Anyway, $9 plus $2 shipping ($5 international) takes the shirt home BUT ONLY UNTIL MIDNIGHT EASTERN. After that it's gone, but you still have two hours to convince a skank at the bar to come home with you.

Tee Fury (different shirt tomorrow)

Thanks to Comfort Eagle, Holy Crap! Lions!, Phloyd, Spartacus, Blaqk Panda, Vasssskk, Leeman, Xager, Quintin, JDARKHUNTER, R Fletcher, Whit, Quax, Lea C, supertt, Mr T, Patrick, Nikki, JAMES, The Awesome Sauce Wyatt and Andy, who were all sewn out of 100% polyester badassery and silkscreened with dildos on their chests awesomeness.

Apr 16 2010 Nature, Streaming Right To Your Computer: Bald Eagle Nest Cam

This is a streaming webcam Duke Farms set up and pointed at a bald eagle's nest somewhere in central New Jersey. It counts as your daily dose of nature so feel free to not go outside until Sunday. I've been watching it for almost 20 minutes now and the two babies just lie there like they're dead most of the time. The cam is supposed to provide researchers with a rare glimpse into the nesting habits of bald eagles and get the rest of us thinking about wildlife protection and environmental stewardship, but mostly it just got me thinking about what bald eagle tastes like.

Hit the link for some worthwhile live eagle action.

Duke Farms Eagle Cam [dukefarms]

Thanks to Marko, who, pollo! FISH OUT OF WATER, FISH OUT OF WATER!

Apr 15 2010 Math!: Using Zelda To Prove Pirate = Ninja

This is a little graphic that uses Zelda and some satanic property of algebra to allegedly prove that pirates = ninjas. I don't know what to make of it. I'm still kinda reeling from having my whole world turned upside-down. I feel like everything I thought I knew has been flushed down the shitter and clogged the gotdamn thing and now there's pee and poop all over the bathroom floor. Yes, just like that.

Pirate Equals Ninja [halolz]

Thanks to Jessica, who equals awesome even if you divide by zero.

Apr 15 2010 Dammit Darwin: Idiot Sits On Exploding Airbag

NOTE: Video is after the jump because it's just too explosive for the front page. Also, some dude yells "SHIT!" when the thing goes off so be sure to turn your speakers up loud enough for your boss to hear.

This is a video of some idiot sitting in a chair atop an airbag his friends (who obviously aren't really his friends) are about to remotely deploy. In this case, the airbag does little to protect Captain Crashtest. As a matter of fact, it does just the opposite. Now I know what you're wondering: "OMG, does he die?!" Unfortunately not. But thankfully, if he keeps this shit up his days are numbered. I'm talking double digits, tops.

Hit it for the relatively worthwhile video.

Continue Reading " Dammit Darwin: Idiot Sits On Exploding Airbag "

Apr 15 2010 Simple As Pie!: How To Print From The iPad

Plus it takes pictures if you use a digital camera and import them from iTunes. And video chat if you use an actual computer.

Problem Solving of the Day: How to print from an iPad [thedailywh.at]

Thanks to Georgie Porky and seth, who are both holding out for iPuds. Oh yeah? I've got what you're looking for right here! *waving it around seductively like a helicopter that can't take off*

Apr 15 2010 A Visual Representation Of Apple's No Flash Support Policy On The iPhone And iPad

ROFLROFLOL! I see what you did there. Of course, it would have been funnier if Wonder Woman was the one missing. Get it? Because she's a woman. And women, as you may well know, are notoriously poor drivers but will sometimes flash their hooters if you honk your horn enough. OH I'M SORRY -- IS MY HUMOR TOO DEEP FOR YOU? Boner boner boner!

No Flash Support on iPhone and iPad: Best Example! [walyou]

Apr 15 2010 Yes, Of Course: Iron Man Branded Televisions

Because the world would cease turning if everybody didn't find a way to cash in on the Iron Man franchise, RTC23 (that's a brand?!) is now selling Iron Man branded televisions. Tempting, but I'm holding out for a Batman model.

Billed as the "Ultimate Comic Fan's TV" each set features the super hero branded into the lower corners of the screen's frame, and an image of the character will appear on screen for 8 seconds every time you turn it on. Yeah, apparently that's a 'feature.' The TVs are available in 22″, 32″, 42″ and 55″ sizes while LED backlit versions are limited to 40″ and 46″. As for pricing, the standard sets start at $338.88 for the 22″ model, while the 55″ model is $1,988.88. And the 40″ LED model is $1,698.88, or $1,988.00 for the 46″.

Alternatively, spraypaint your existing television red and slap some Iron Man stickers on that bitch. Or don't, I don't care about your stupid television. But I do care about your smart-ass Blu-ray player. You know that that little hole in the disc tray? We've had relations.

RTC23 Marvel Branded LCD HDTVs [ohgizmo]

Apr 15 2010 PB & J Me!: Cakewich Sandwich Cakes

Sandwich cakes are cakes that look like sandwiches thanks to Fred's Cakewich baking pan. The silicon batter receptacle costs $23 and is probably a waste of money if you have any knife skills whatsoever. Unfortunately, you and I both know your mommy doesn't let you play with knives anymore since you cut off your nose to spite your face. *cringing* The new clown nose is barely noticeable, really. So, yeah, I guess you're gonna need this pan after all. Me? I only need one pan. Peter. Now let's happy thought our asses to the bakery!

Cakewich Molds Will Make Awesome Cakes for Sandwich Fans [walyou]

Apr 15 2010 $10 Million For An Apocalypse-Proof Bunker

Want to survive the apocalypse? I don't. I want to be the first one to go. But if you're hellbent on crawling out of a bunker 20 years from now and trying to mate with freaky, mutant animals, have at it. Hey, it only costs $10 million to buy into the Vivos apocalyptic bunker scam. What is the Vivos apocalyptic bunker scam?

• A nationwide network of 20 secret, deep underground community shelters.
• Owners-only, long-term survival accommodations for over 3,400 people.
• Owner candidates reviewed upon a number of criteria and psychographic information.
• Multi-level shelters, each consisting of over 18,500 square feet, for 172 to 200 people.
• A spoke cluster with 10 radiating wings surrounding a 2 story central dome.
• Designed and outfitted for up to 1 year of underground survival.
• Fully furnished living quarters, with semi-private bedrooms, bathrooms, and kitchens.
• Self-sustaining facilities complete with food, fuel, water, clothing, medical & security.
• Able to withstand a 50 megaton blast within a 10 mile radius.
• Engineered to protect from a nuclear blast, solar flare, tsunami or biological attack.
• Deeded equity and willable ownership in a specific Vivos shelter.
• A DNA depository available for every living species on Earth in Vivos refrigerated vaults.
• A private venture developed by a group of entrepreneurs and corporate visionaries.
• Network completion mid-2011, providing "life assurance" for 2012 and beyond.

Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and just take my chances with the apocalypse. And by take my chances I mean punch it in the taint BECAUSE IT AIN'T MY TIME TO GO. You hear that, Grim Reaper? I will tear your skeletal balls off and stomp 'em like Atlanta Grape Lady! Oh -- AH! UUUHL UUUHL UUUHL UUUUHL UUUUUHL!! UUHL UUHL OOH OW OW OW OW!! OH STOP, OH STOP!! UHL UHLLL, I CAN'T BREATHE UUUHL UH

Hit the jump for a video tour.

Continue Reading " $10 Million For An Apocalypse-Proof Bunker "

Apr 15 2010 How To: Prepare Your Child For A Life Of Servide To The Man

With the $2,600 Little Tykes Young Explorer work station, that's how. It's basically a glorified cubicle, for kids. Because childhoods are overrated anyways.

Furniture features:

* Flat desk area
* Left and Right built-in mouse pads
* Bench seat that fits two children and offers storage inside for supplies
* Two locking cabinet doors
* Computer wiring stores safely inside ventilated cabinet.
* Locking castors keep unit from rolling during use.

Computer equipment features:

* Think Centre PC
* Internal DVD-ROM
* 1GB RAM (minimum)
* 160GB Hard Drive (minimum)
* 10/100 Ethernet
* Microsoft® Windows
* Sound Card and 2 External Speakers
* Surge protector
* 19" Widescreen Flat Panel LCD Monitor
* Custom Little Tikes Learning keyboard and Tiny Mouse (colors are subject to change without notice)

Computer Warranty: 1-year parts and labor.
Pre-loaded educational software:

* Millie's Math House®
* Sammy's Science House®
* Bailey's Book House®
* Trudy's Time and Place®
* Thinkin' Things®

Wait, why does that cost $2,600? And why did I just order 40 of them? Oh, right, my child-labor telemarketing service. Which, GOTDAMNIT CINDY STOP CHEWING ON YOUR DESK!

Baby's First Cubicle: The Most Depressing Toy Ever? [gizmodo]

Apr 14 2010 Undead Correspondence: Zombie Stationery

This is some stationery designed for 13th Street, an NBC-Universal owned crime and horror channel. It's done up in a very tasteful zombie motif, like you'd expect from your grandmother's kitchen wallpaper. You can't really appreciate it this small though, so you're gonna need to hit the jump to see closeups of all the different articles. Impressive job, but I think I'll just stick to a legal pad. And by legal pad I mean illegal pad. And by illegal pad I mean a doctor's prescription pad. Now tell me what you think of this: "THE BEARER OF THIS NOTE IS ENTITLED TO ALL THE FREE DRUGS HE WANTS AND SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO MIX AND MATCH AT HIS OWN DISCRETION. ALSO, MEDICAL MARIJUANA, HE'S GONNA NEED A SHIT-TON OF THAT. SIGNED: A REAL DOCTOR IN A WHITE COAT AND EVERYTHING. I HAVE DEGREES." That sounds official, right?

Hit it for the rest.

Continue Reading " Undead Correspondence: Zombie Stationery "

Apr 14 2010 The iPad: Strong Enough For A Man, But Made For A Kitty

NOTE: Video is after the jump because it's too shy to hang out on the front page with all you perverts staring at it.

This is a video of a cat testing out the new iPad. And from the look of things, he really seems to be enjoying himself. But is that enough to make the iPad worth buying? That's between you and your cats. Also, what you cry about when you fall asleep at night. Kidding -- they told me everything. But you know that expression, "there's no use crying over spilled milk?" Well it doesn't apply to you, that shit sounded serious.

Hit it for more cuteness than you can shake a catnip-filled mouse at.

Continue Reading " The iPad: Strong Enough For A Man, But Made For A Kitty "

Apr 14 2010 7,500 Shoppers Unknowningly Signed Their Souls Over To A British Video Game Retailer

Apparently over 7,500 online shoppers unknowingly signed their souls over to British video game retailer Gamestation because nobody takes the time to read the terms and conditions of a sale. WELL NO SHIT! I don't even take the time to reread Geekologie articles I've written. But only because perfection doesn't need editing.

GameStation added the "immortal soul clause" to online purchases earlier this month stating customers granted them the right to claim their soul.

While all shoppers during the test were given a simple tick box option to opt out, very few did this, which would have also rewarded them with a £5 voucher.

The store claims this show 88 percent of people do not read the terms and conditions of a website before they make a purchase.

Bosses also say they will not be enforcing their rights and will now email customers nullifying any claim on their soul.

Listen: as a guy who sold his soul a long time ago for a blogging job, I've got to admit: I don't really miss it. And I'm not just saying that because I pawned my conscious too, but I am running out of things to sell.
....
....
I'll paper/rock/scissors you for a kidney.

7,500 shoppers unknowingly sold their souls [newslite]

Thanks to CrazyOldNakedFelon, still crazy, old, naked and breaking the law as ever.

Apr 14 2010 The Planets Make Beautiful Music: SolarBeat

SolarBeat is little website that shows the planets in our solar system orbiting the sun and making a little "ding!" every time they complete a circuit. You can mess with the tempo to alter the music, and if you speed it up all the way and sit around for like 40 years you can finally hear the sound Pluto makes. SPOILER: It sounds like a fork hitting a wine glass. Honestly, I'm just happy to see Pluto was included at all. BUT WHO THE F*** INVITED CERES?! This solar system isn't big enough for two dwarf planets! Haha, what do you mean there are five? Well I say we blow up the other four out of respect for Pluto. WHO'S WITH ME?! Awesome, now how many of you actually have experience blowing things up? You sir, in the front -- what have you blown up? GOTDAMNIT SEX DOLLS DON'T COUNT.

SolarBeat

Thanks to sarah, who's old enough to remember when Pluto was a planet. Oh yeah?! Well I'm old enough to remember when Pluto wasn't even a worried look on Mercury's face yet.

Apr 14 2010 The Space Station Silhouetted Against Sun

Pixeltop forum member labsmansid, best known for taking this picture of the International Space Station silhouetted against the sun, took this picture of the International Space Station silhouetted against the sun (high-res shot HERE). It's similar to these earlier pics of the shuttle and Hubble in front of the sun. Neato. Granted it could just be a toothpick model taped to a piece of construction paper, but I'd like to think it's real. I'd also like to think my best friend is, but for whatever reason nobody else can ever see him. BUT HE'S SITTING RIGHT F***ING THERE!

Actually, this was on Sunday afternoon. I finally got a chance to catch a couple of shots of the Space Shuttle and ISS docked together as they passed directly between my location and the Sun, also called a solar transit. The clouds had me worried most of Sunday morning, as they didn't really break up until 30-45 minutes before the event was scheduled to occur, but luck was with me that day. The whole thing lasted about 1/2 second.

Speaking of things only lasting about 1/2 a second: did you know I can have sex over 120 times a minute? Suck it, The Flash! *zip* *slurp* *zip* That. was. amazing.

Hit the jump for a close up.

Continue Reading " The Space Station Silhouetted Against Sun "

Apr 14 2010 Cute Samsung Viral: Famous Artworks In 3-D

Note: Worthwhile video is after the jump because we just finished playing hopscotch.

This is a viral Samsung ad for their new line of 3-D televisions voiced by a man who may or may not be Dave Attell. It explores what a bunch of artistic masterpieces actually look like in 3-D. But not really, it's all jocular. This is supposed to be Da Vinci's 'Vitruvian Man', which, when viewed in 3-D, turns out to be two men making the buttloves. Actually -- knowing Da Vinci, it's probably accurate. Just sayin', the man did invent anal beads.

Hit the jump for the video. It's worth a gander.

Continue Reading " Cute Samsung Viral: Famous Artworks In 3-D "

Apr 14 2010 Talking Parrot A Must, Pegleg Highly Recommended: Music Piracy Info-Graphic

Note: Click THIS PIRATE-PINK BUTTON to see the whole graphic.

Always wanted to learn more about music piracy but were afraid to Google "downloading music illegally" for fear the RIAA would track your query and then beat your gotdamn door down and drag you off to prison? Jesus, I want some of whatever you're smoking. Unless it's pole, in which case I'll just settle for a lick. Well in an effort to keep your butt's v-card unstamped, here's an informational graphic all about music piracy. I didn't bother looking at the whole thing, but I'm pretty sure the gist is it's a-okay to pirate whatever the hell you want provided you wear an eyepatch and yell "ARG, BOOTY!" every time a download finishes.

The Music Industry & Online Piracy By The Numbers [oddee]

Thanks to Ezrail, who doesn't pirate anything except movies, music and video games.

Apr 14 2010 Makes Perfect Sense: Chick Falls Off Wii Balance Board, Becomes Sex Addict

Some 24-year old chick in Britain fell off her Wii Balance Board and has become a sex addict as a result of the tumble. Hello, city council? This is the president speaking. I want you to repave all the sidewalks with Wii Balance Boards, pronto.

It seems that, courtesy of the fall, she's developed a condition called persistent sexual arousal syndrome (which, we'll have you know, is a real thing). Now any time Amanda is around anything vibrating or pulsing, like a mobile phone or blender, she becomes, well, aroused.

"It began as a twinge down below before surging through my body", she says of the onset of an "attack". "Sometimes it built up into a trembling orgasm".

WOW. Just a heads up though if you're thinking of trying it yourself: it might have the opposite effect on you. Because one time I got bit by a goat at the petting zoo and now I can't get aroused by anything but playing FarmVille.

Woman Falls Off Wii Fit, Becomes A "Sex Addict" [kotaku]

Thanks to Ed, who once fell off his bicycle and now has sex with automobiles.

Apr 14 2010 Dress-Up: Design Your Own Pokémon Trainer

Remember when you used to play dress-up as a kid? You'd raid your mom's closet for a skirt and high heels, then smear makeup all over your face and whore yourself out to all the stuffed animals in your bedroom. Good times -- no? Me neither then. That would have just been weird and creepy. Anyway, deviantARTist hapuriainen went and designed a Pokémon trainer dress-up program so you can experiment without actually cross dressing yourself. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Now, pass me a candle -- this fauxgina needs a waxin' son!

Hapuiainen's DeviantART

Thanks to Jackie and Kelly, who both designed really good looking Pokemon trainers but not nearly as good as mine because mine's so awesome her pants spontaneously combusted.

Apr 14 2010 Believe: Yes, I Want To -- I Want To So Bad!

OMG -- A UNICENTAURUS-REX! Plus it looks like he's made out of chocolate. Mmmm, mmmm, MMMM! And I, for one, am not even ashamed to admit I would ride that bitch like a Big Wheels: furiously. And straight into the neighbor's pool.

Believe [todaysbigthing]

Thanks to Priby, Kestrel, Kayshawn and JASON, who all believe they can fly. Well I've got news for you: you can't -- now close that window.

Apr 13 2010 Crazy Dog Man Is Crazy, Quite Possibly Rabid

Note: Video is AFTER the jump. Not before. Videos can't time travel, silly!

This is a video of some guy who doesn't like stray dogs running around in front of his house. So what does he do? He goes on TV and acts like a nutcase, scaring the hell out of his wife in the process. Because that's how you get things done in this world. Well, that, or a shit-ton of blow-j's.

Hit it for a video of Captain Red Rocket himself.

Continue Reading " Crazy Dog Man Is Crazy, Quite Possibly Rabid "

Apr 13 2010 Who Buys Booze For The Bottle?: Medea Vodka Features Programmable LED Sign

I don't want a fancy bottle, that only drives the price of the booze up. I'm fine with plastic. As a matter of fact, one time I bought a gallon of moonshine at a gas station in Virginia that came in a re-capped milk jug. It tasted like Satan's urine but got me so crunk my vision was blurry for two straight days -- and three gay ones.

From the 18th century comes a flawless vodka imported from Schiedam, Holland--the world's first center of distillation excellence. For seven generations, our distillery has used the finest whole grain wheat to perfect the time-honored process of single batch distillation. Distilled slowly, in small batches using natural artesian water, the result is a subtle, flawless vodka.

From the 21st century comes a technology that satisfies the need for self-expression and personalization in the digital age. As the fine spirit loosens your tongue, the world's first interactive bottle unleashes your inner poet, your inner philosopher, your inner flirt. It's a rare blend of the best of both eras.

*cough* Gimmick *cough*. I've got news for you: if you're "unleashing your inner poet/philosopher/flirt" via LED-lit vodka bottle you're doing it horribly, horribly wrong. Now philosophize on this for a minute: I'd rather buy a bottle of bathtub booze made with fermented fart bubbles than a bottle of this stuff. Okay, not really. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I'M ALLERGIC TO BATH BEADS.

Product Site

Thanks to nicobrown84, Googiyo and Yes I'm A Superhero You Just Can't Tell, who don't buy booze in novelty bottles, they buy novelty bottles in booze. Wait, what? I'm confused.

Apr 13 2010 Pandemonium!: Six Months Of Solar Paths Recorded On A Single Piece Of Film

Mr. Mallon used a pinhole camera sitting in his backyard to record the sun's path from June to December of last year. This is the resulting image (in negative form). Looks like, uh, I don't know what it looks like. BESIDES THE MUTHERF***ING MATRIX! You'll never take me alive, robots! Quick, everybody drink this punch with me! No? Oh come on -- it's Hawaiian.

Solar Path Recorded By Pinhole Camera Over Six Months [gizmodo]

Apr 13 2010 You're Cut Off!: Drink/Drunk Shot Glasses

Bottoms Up shot glasses from design firm Fred read "DRINK" when upside-up, "DRUNK" when upside-down, and are just a bunch of squiggly lines when you're actually shitfaced. Of course, if you're actually letting a shot glass tell you how drunk you are you're probably tripping too. Who reads when they're drunk anyways? You know how many times I've gotten my tab at the end of the night and tried signing the credit card slip with my penis? Every. single. one.

At least These Bottoms Up Shot Glasses Won't Make You An April Fool For Sure! [walyou]

Apr 13 2010 Growing With Comic Books: Manga Farming

Ever wonder if you could grow plants between the pages of a comic book? Well the answer is yes. You could do the same thing with a porno magazine too if you really wanted, although I don't even know if those exist anymore since the internet was invented. Two Kindles probably won't work though (although you should still try and send pics).

Tokyo-based artist Koshi Kawachi recently demonstrated his "Manga Farming" technique -- which uses old manga as a growing medium for vegetables -- by cultivating a crop of radish sprouts in an installation at the Matsuzakaya department store in Nagoya.

Cultivating radish sprouts in a department store, eh? I don't know about you, but the only thing I've cultivated at a department store is a bumper crop of boners. Walmart bra and panty section, anybody? No? YOU'RE THE PERVERTS HERE, NOT ME.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of how not to grow weed.

Continue Reading " Growing With Comic Books: Manga Farming "

Apr 13 2010 I Like: A Manly Bookshelf For Manly Readers

I love books. Mostly children's and comic books, although I have perused one of the coffee table variety because all the magazines at the doctor's office sucked. But the problem with books is this: where do you put them? Do you just stack them on the floor and use them as a table to hold up empty beer cans? Or do you put them in the kitchen cabinets because you don't eat anything but frozen pizza and chocolate pudding? Neither -- you squeeze them together with a vice and hang them on the wall. Of course! I feel just like Ugg after he first discovered the wheel and rolled it down a hill to f*** up a dinosaur. Only I can't club my lady-friend in the head and make her watch me have relations with it after smarter.

Newton bookshelf holds your books with a vice-like grip [dvice]

Apr 13 2010 Pull Over That Ass Is Too Fat, Woop Woop!: Honda's New Self Balancing Mobility Thingy

Honda, in their unending quest to weaken the human population to the point where we can't even run when they release the robots, has developed the U3-X, a personal mobility device that will allow our legs to atrophy even quicker. Nice try, Honda, but I'm writing this post from the treadmill! Kidding, I haven't gotten out of bed yet and I've already begun drinking.

While it looks like a high-tech unicycle, the U3-X and the technology that underlies it could have far reaching implications on the way we - and robots - get around in the 21st Century. It uses the world's first omni-directional driving wheel system (Honda Omni Traction Drive System) to achieve smooth movement in any direction along with the company's proprietary balance-control system evolved from research into human walking dynamics for ASIMO the humanoid robot.

There's a couple videos after the jump if you want to see the U3-X in action, but if you came here hoping to see me in action I'm afraid you're gonna be disappointed. However I will be dancing in just my boxers tonight with the bedroom blinds open. Standing room only, parking in the bus-lane at your own risk, no flash photography.

Hit the jump for two videos, a short one I watched and a long one I didn't.

Continue Reading " Pull Over That Ass Is Too Fat, Woop Woop!: Honda's New Self Balancing Mobility Thingy "

Apr 13 2010 But My Dog Is Little: St. Bernard Cask Collars

As legend has it, Saint Bernards used to carry little casks of booze while performing rescue missions in the Alps. The idea was that, when they finally came across an individual in distress, the person could booze it up, providing them with the energy and false sense of warmth they needed to drunkenly stumble off a cliff to their death.

Today, the legend lives on and the St. Bernard barrel is just as popular as ever! These durable collars feature an authentic oak aging barrel with the band style of your choice. The barrel is functioning and complete with a spigot but we suggest you leave it empty, for the dog's sake.

The collars come in 1/2 and 1 liter capacities and will set you back $50 and $57, respectively. I just bought one for my dog, but she only weighs 20 pounds so I'm reluctant to actually put it on her. Which is exactly why I strapped it on the neighbor's cat. He loves it, I can tell. Now I'm gonna throw myself down the stairs and see if he comes!

UPDATE: Nope.

Product Site
via
St. Bernard Dog Collar Barrel [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Hayley, who once taped a box of Franzia to a horse. Now you're talking my language!

Apr 13 2010 Sadness: Endangered Species LEGO Animals

One day, in the not too distant future, there won't be any more animals. I'm talking none, not even hotdogs. So one zoo is taking a proactive approach to extinction education. Namely, LEGO animals. Wait, WTF?

Opened yesterday, the Philadelphia Zoo's Lego-made exhibit, called ''Creatures of Habitat: A Gazillion-Piece Animal Adventure," features the work of world-renowned Lego artist Sean Kenney. According to Kenney, the 34 animals he created for the zoo took him over one year to complete--the largest project he's undertaken.

In addition to the Lego sculptures, each exhibit features a description of how the animals' habitat is under threat, and simple ways that everyone can help aid in its protection.

Zoo officials are hoping that folks who may have been drawn in by the impressive sculptures will walk away with a better understanding of threatened ecosystems and what they can do to lower their impact.

You know what else people can do to help prevent animal extinctions? Well Jesus, don't look at me -- I don't have all the answers. Kidding, of course I do. And the answer is simple: peeing in the shower. And if you wanna be super green and really conserve some rainforest you should probably go ahead and #2 in there as well. Do it! DOOD IT FOR THE ANIMALS! Boom, campaign slogan.

Hit the jump for a little penguin and polar bear action.

Continue Reading " Sadness: Endangered Species LEGO Animals "

Apr 13 2010 Hey, Dude Loves Brenda: The Fonts Of Love

This is a picture of a man. A man in love. With Brenda. Not sure what he's gonna do if they don't work out, but I'd suggest finding another Brenda. Or Brendan. Hey -- 150 n's can't be that expensive.

This Guy Loves Brenda [buzzfeed]

Apr 12 2010 MMORPG Tactics: How To Mine For Gold And Minerals On Six Computers At Once

You can never have enough gold, amirite? I am. Or pillows. They just feel so soft on my face! I've heard a woman's breasts would too, but I am neither able to confirm nor deny that at this time. Overweight men's, yes. So supple.

Zhek Kromtor's "Frankenstein" setup lets him play several EVE Online accounts at the same time so he can farm for gold and minerals more efficiently.

You see, he was temporarily banned for running multiple accounts on one computer at the same time. It's against the rules! But doing this, apparently, is not.

That's some serious dedication to the gold right there, Zhek. Say, uh, you wouldn't happen to be selling any, would you? My avatar needs a grill, son!

Hit the jump for a couple close-ups, including the ridiculous (I'm jealous) monitor setup.

Continue Reading " MMORPG Tactics: How To Mine For Gold And Minerals On Six Computers At Once "

Apr 12 2010 Standing Cat: Now With More Boots, Hat, Cape, Sword, Mariachi Accompaniment

Remember standing cat? Well here he is in a Zorro costume with Tonto accompaniment on the Mexican guitar (vihuela), making him by far the cutest thing I've ever seen. You hear that, puppy suckling a pig after being orphaned by its own mother?! That's right, hand over the gold, you're down to silver. What? What was that?! ONE MORE WORD AND IT'S BRONZE FOR YOU MISTER.

Hit the jump for the best thing you've ever seen.

Continue Reading " Standing Cat: Now With More Boots, Hat, Cape, Sword, Mariachi Accompaniment "

Apr 12 2010 Oldschool Flair: A Modern Penny-Farthing

I didn't even know these things were called penny-farthings. I thought they were called those goofy-ass looking bicycles with one monster-giant wheel and one little bitch one. Of course, that's understandable given my natural Shakespearean tendencies and way with worlds. Words AND worlds. You think I couldn't Death Star a planet if I wanted to? I could do that shit. Anyway, now you can buy a modern version of the late 1800's classic (great tie-in, GW).

The front wheel is a whopping 36 inches, while the rear wheel comes in at a slightly more reasonable 12 inches, giving you that classic elevated position associated with this most barmy of bikes.

Of course, we'd be barmy to send you off pedalling into the sunset with the safety features of a vintage Penny Farthing (otherwise your newly bought oversized hat might end up squished under an articulated lorry), so this new version has all the modern safety standards you'd expect. The frame is made of durable steel, the pedals are anti-slip, there's a brake on the rear wheel and the saddle has spring suspension to make your ride a little smoother.

The instant coolness is available now for £499.00 (~$770), but unfortunately they only ship to mainland UK. Plus they don't come with top-hats OR monocles. Jesus, what kind of gin-joint are you running here? Mmmm, gin -- tastes just like licking a pine tree! Now, what was I talking about? Oh right, trees. I had sex with a sycamore once too I'M JUST SAYIN'.

Product Site
via
Penny Farthing [likecool]

Apr 12 2010 Japanese Combo Pack: Cigarettes And Coffee

This is a cigarette and booze coffee (internet research, baby!) combo pack spotted somewhere in Japan. You get two packs of cigarettes and 12oz of coffee for 640 yen (~$7). Who the hell's gonna smoke 40 cigarettes to one cup of coffee is beyond me, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and suspect they're a chain smoker. That said, wake me up when there's a joint/booze/worn panty combo pack. Now that's something I could sink my teeth into. Or, you know, get high and drunk and wear on my head.

Cigarettes + Beer = Japanese Win [weirdasiannews]

Thanks to Melissa, who once bought a diaper/vodka combo pack and agrees it was the smartest decision she's ever made.

Apr 12 2010 We've All Been There: LEGO Piece Rage

Happens to me all the time. Almost as often as impotence spoils my love life. Just sayin', you ever had to tape popsicle sticks to your pecker just to seem aroused? LOLWUT?! Tell me you're joking.

Where's That F*cking Lego Piece? [gizmodo]

Apr 12 2010 Explosive Lighting: Hand Grenade Oil Lamps

Finally, hand grenade oil lamps. Available with gold, silver and natural finishes, each grenade will set you back $65 ($55 for natural), and possibly on fire. Alternatively, go to an army surplus store and buy a decommissioned grenade for $5-$10 and make your own. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT make your own sex tape. Nobody needs to see that.

Product Site

Thanks to Spikey DaPikey, who just tried making his own lamp oil out of lighter fluid missed with gasoline. Your tips will be missed, Spikey.

Apr 12 2010 Stars Need To Eat Too: Sun Eating A Comet

This is allegedly a picture of the sun eating a comet. Of course, it could be a picture from inside a birth canal for all I know. WHICH IS EVERYTHING. Yep yep yep -- that's a vagina if I've ever seen one (I haven't is the thing).

The destruction of a comet as it approached the sun was caught on camera Saturday by a long-lived space observatory. The comet, a stranger to astronomers, is now doomed to anonymous obscurity.

The comet's death plunge was recorded by the sun-watching Solar and Heliospheric Observatory as the previously unknown icy wanderer barreled down on the sun from cosmic parts unknown

The comet appeared in SOHO images on Friday but by early this morning it had disappeared entirely

Damn, can you believe the sun actually eats comets? I always pictured him as more of a Star Crunch kind of guy. Little Debbie joke! Oh you've still got it, GW, you've still got it.

Comet eaten by the sun as spacecraft watches [msnbc]

Thanks to Spartacus, who once ate an asteroid but not the one that killed all the dinosaurs off. Geez, thanks for nothing Sparty.

Apr 12 2010 Bac-AT: Stomping Rebels With Deliciousness

Well folks, the guys over at This Is Freaking Ridiculous have done it again. As you longer-term readers may recall, last year they created the BA-K-47 to celebrate Bacon Day (uh, isn't that every day?), and this year, a Bacon AT-AT. STOMP ME IN THE MOUTH!

I needed a follow up to last year's BA-K-47 for our 2nd annual Bacon Day. The Bacon AT-AT was actually what I wanted to build before, but didn't have enough time, so it seemed like the natural choice. The Bacon AT-AT stands 3 ft tall and is made with over 40 lbs of bacon. The body was made from foam, then the bacon was attached. This beast took 21 non-stop hours to build. If you've ever once thought to cook 40 lbs of bacon in your kitchen in one sitting, I can now personally advise against it.

WOW -- 40 lbs of bacon?! That's *sniff* just so beautiful. And as a man who hasn't had anything for breakfast except the beer he fell asleep with, I've got to admit: I can't believe I didn't spill. Wait, yes I can. Sippy cup, baby.

Hit the jump for four more reasons to at least consider the Dark Side.

Continue Reading " Bac-AT: Stomping Rebels With Deliciousness "

Apr 12 2010 World Of Warcraft, The Informational Graphic

Note: Hit this pretty in pink button right HERE to see the entire graphic.

This is an informational graphic with some facts and figures about World of Warcraft. But that isn't the whole thing so would you kindly (I OWN YOUR ASS!) click the link above to see it in its entirety. It's pretty amazing. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to play WoW anymore because of a little something Blizzard likes to call a "lifetime ban". Which -- do any of you know how to fake your own death?

The Unbelievable World of Warcraft [onlineschools]

Thanks to Sasha and Brodeur, whose worlds consist of no craft, only war.

Apr 11 2010 You Washed My Unmentionables While You Were Frozen! Han Solo In Carbonite Soap

Every wanted to rub a frozen Han Solo between your breasts/buttcheeks while you were showering and get clean at the same time? I'm with you -- I don't even care about the cleanliness aspect . And for $6.50 you can do whatever you want to with him!

Each soap is hand detailed for greater clarity with matte and metallic pigments. These are made one at a time, with A LOT of love.

COOLEST SOAP EVER!! #fact

100% Fragrance-free and ultra gentle on skin. Made with pure olive oil, shea butter and aloe vera.

Count me in! I just ordered a bar and I plan on convincing a friend it's chocolate. Oh man, can you imagine the look on his face when he bites in and finds out it's actually soap?! The look of losing a friend.

One more shot and a link to the product page after the jump.

Continue Reading " You Washed My Unmentionables While You Were Frozen! Han Solo In Carbonite Soap "

Apr 11 2010 Cute NES Perler Bead Stop Motion Movie

This is a little NES themed stop-motion video made using Perler beads. It's not gonna blow your socks or o-ring out (thank God), but it is cute and worth a watch. Plus somebody actually spent some serious time and effort making it. And no, it wasn't me. I did try making a similar video once but I couldn't stop eating the beads. I shat so many rainbows I swore I was birthing a unicorn.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Cute NES Perler Bead Stop Motion Movie "

Apr 11 2010 The Moon In 3-D: No Star Trek Geordi Glasses Required!

Note: Click HERE for a full-size version of the image for the full effect.

This is a stereoscopic shot of the moon. So if you cross your eyes like you would a Magic Eye picture, you should be able to see our natural satellite in 3-D. Oooooor get frustrated and Hulk-smash your monitor.

Stare into the screen and allow your eyes to defocus. You will get double vision as each eye sees the L & R images separately. Move your head towards and away from the screen until the two middle images overlap. The single overlapping image should be in 3D

It took me a little time, but I finally saw it. And I'm not just saying that to impress you with my eye-crossing skills, but one time a friend did slap me on the back while I was making a funny face. You know what happened? I kneed him in the crotch until he cried blood. You don't touch a man while he's making faces!

3D space pictures: stereo images of moons, galaxies and nebulae [telegraph] (with 10 more 3-D images of various outerspace-y things)
via
Check out this 3D pic of the moon, no glasses required [dvice]

Apr 10 2010 KFC Double Down Sandwich Drops Monday

We first reported on Kentucky Fried Cruelty's Double Down sandwich back in August of last year, and I thought it was real then. But apparently not, apparently it's only getting real on Monday. And for those of you that didn't know, it's bacon between two fried chicken "buns," with special sauce (arguably spunk) and pepperjack cheese. Mmmm, I'm dryheaving already!

The sandwich will be available in two forms. The Original Recipe sandwich will set you back about 540 calories, 32g of fat and 1380mg of sodium. The not-as-bad-for-you Grilled Double Down totals 460 calories, 23g of fat and 1430mg of sodium.

Well, it doesn't sound like the worst thing you could eat. But it is up there. Right next to poison and a really jealous bear's girlfriend out. Which -- okay I just puked.

KFC's Bacon Sandwich On Fried Chicken "Bread" Starts Killing People Nationwide April 12 [consumerist]
and
Official Site

Thanks to Lord Tarl, Johnny Freightliner, Allegro, Comfort Eagle, Kenneth, Barak, Josh, Mothera and Broken AC, who are all fighting to be first in line tomorrow. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Apr 10 2010 FAKE: Starcraft Breakup Girl Is Back At It

Note: Video of Princess Pissypants is after the jump.

Further proving the questionable reality of her initial video, Starcraft II Beta Breakup girl is back at it, this time smashing one of her ex-boyfriend's windows with a brick and tossing a running hose in the hole. WTF, PSYCHO?! Admittedly, the ol' running hose in a window is one of my favorite paybacks, but this girl didn't even wait for guy to go on vacation. YOU DID IT WRONG, STUPID! Now -- enough of the attention whoring, back to crying into a pillow and wishing you dated a vampire.

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " FAKE: Starcraft Breakup Girl Is Back At It "

Apr 10 2010 Sure: Robotic Suit For Elderly Grape Pickers

Feeling too old to pick grapes? That's God's way of saying it's time to go. But researches at Japan's Tokyo University of Agriculture and Technology have developed a robotic suit to aid the elderly in their farming longevity. Hooray? NO, NOT HOORAY.

The metal and plastic device features eight electric motors as well as a voice-recognition system and sensors that track movement.

So far, the researchers have developed two models. One 66 pound model is intended for heavy lifting, while a smaller model is designed for easier jobs-i.e. picking grapes. According to researchers working on the project, the robo-suits can cut down on users' physical exertion by 62%.

Such technology doesn't come cheap. When the robo-suit goes on sale in Japan in 2012, researchers expect that it will cost $11,000. It will still probably sell well, however, since two-thirds of Japan's agricultural workers are over 65. Next up: adding augmented reality technology to the suits. Augmented reality goggles could, for example, tell workers when grapes are ripe. They could also keep track of users' vital signs.

As somebody who's no stranger to trolling retirement homes for free labor, I've got to admit: those bastards will die on you without a moment's notice. Now I know what you're thinking, "Jesus, GW, please tell me you didn't riffle through the deceased's room for valuables". OF COURSE I DIDN'T, I'M NOT SOME F***ING SICKO....Anybody want to buy a musicbox?

Japanese Robo-Suit Helps the Elderly to Farm [inhabitat]

Thanks to Braden M, who thinks we should just let robots do all the farming. No, Branden, NO. Children. Children are the answer.

Apr 9 2010 Sounds Legit To Me: Free Pizza On Craigslist

Hey, uh, has anybody seen Michelangelo?
...
...
SHREDDER!

Craigslist (post probably won't last long)

Thanks to cupcake ninja, who always suspected the Foot Clan was into Craigslisting.

Apr 9 2010 For Hansel And Gretel: The Rescue Balloon

The Rescue Balloon is an inflatable aid for adventurers who find themselves lost in the woods while searching for artifacts. Ha, Indiana Jones scoffs at you!

Designer Jaeseok Han wasn't fooling around when he created this compact kit -- intended for hikers who get lost or injured in the wilderness and need to signal aerial search teams. It comes complete with a small, lightweight helium gas cylinder and a long, inflatable red balloon that can peer out from the tree canopy and flag down appreciative rescue workers.

Alternatively, give up hope and start scratching your last will and testament into a tree trunk. That's what I would do. Or, oh I dunno, put a bear in a chock-hold until it points me to the nearest town! Then steal its honey. Now I know what you're thinking, "Ooooh, that's just wrong GW!" But if you think that's cold you should see my nipples. F***ing diamond cutters over here.

Lost? Rescue Balloon is literally a big arrow pointing right at you [dvice]

Thanks to Erin, who has never been lost a day in her life except for the time at the Disney World when she lost sight of her parents and was found by Goofy huddled under a park bench. Jesus, that sounds traumatic. Haha, why are you crying?

Apr 9 2010 So Hot: The Sexiest Thing I've Seen All Day

Okay, so here's the gameplan: you run to the bank for singles while I stuff my pants with chicken. One two three, BREAK!

Geekologie's Facebook Page

Thanks to Jonathan and Julien, who don't send tips as much as post them on Geekologie's Facebook page. Hey I know, that tip form can be tricky.

Apr 9 2010 *PEW PEW* All Clean!: Soap Weaponry

Remember the chocolate weaponry we featured awhile ago? Well now the same company is manufacturing weapon soap. Probably from the same molds as the chocolate. I'd still wash my mouth out with it. Also, b-hole. Don't act like you've never lost one of those little seashell soaps up there! The company currently sells handgun, grenade and brass knuckle models and prices range from $10 to $35, with giftsets coming beautifully packaged in authentic gun cases. Wow, can I sell products or what? And by products I mean drugs. Meet me in the frozen food aisle.

Hit the jump for a smattering of the offerings and another link to the product site.

Continue Reading " *PEW PEW* All Clean!: Soap Weaponry "

Apr 9 2010 Can't Possibly Do It Any Wronger: iPad Fail

Still think it's cool being a fanboy? You're one of him.

iDouche [cheezburger]

Thanks to cookies 'n cream and Professor XXX, both of whom sound like porn stars. One possibly disabled.

Apr 9 2010 So, That's How It Happened: The End Of Dinos

This is a tattoo on some guy's back depicting the end of dinosaurs. Brutal, I know. I've been crying about it for almost fifteen minutes now. But you know what? Those are the facts of life. Also, storks bring babies to your house which is exactly why my address is a P.O. box.

If it wasn't for this tattoo, dinosaurs may still roam the Earth [bmezine]

Thanks to Dandy, who wishes Superman had been around to punch that meteor in the taint and send it back to where it came from (it came from outerspace, yo).

Apr 9 2010 Hoth Would Chew You Up And Spit You Out!: An Assortment Of Underachieving AT-AT's

This is a little graphic of various underachieving AT-AT's that never saw battle on Hoth because, quite frankly, they would have screwed everything up and lost it for the Empire. Which, you'll recall if you've ever seen The Wrath of Khan, is the opposite of what happened. All the Cylons were defeated. Huh? YES I'M QUALIFIED TO BE WRITING THIS.

Lunchbreath's Flickr
via
Infographic Of Underachieving AT-ATs Is Hilarious [io9]

Thanks to Isaac, who once got to tour the inside of an AT-AT on Bring Your Future Stormtrooper to work day.

Apr 9 2010 You're Not A Person!: Standing Cat Is Standing

NOTE: Video of the circus act is after the jump.

This is a video of a cat standing on its back legs for a solid 47 seconds. No word on how long he was standing before then but I suspect at least another minute and a half. Impressive, cat, but one time I stood in line for concert tickets for over an hour. So yeah -- who's the internet sensation now?! Put that in your hairball and hock it up behind the sofa!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " You're Not A Person!: Standing Cat Is Standing "

Apr 9 2010 Custom Super Paper Mario Nike Dunks

Remember back in the day when I would post all kinds of custom painted shoes and you were all, "dammit, GW, enough with the stupid painted shoes!", and I'd be like, "I can't help it, I've been drinking!". Well I'm back off the metaphorical wagon, baby! And, from the look of things, I'm in a ditch. Don't roll me over -- I might puke.

These awesomely cool Nike Vintage Dunks are available in an amazing combination of red, blue and white and with the greatest video game character in history, Mario

Available for a price of £89.99 (~$140) these superb looking vintage dunks are designed to bring out the video game lover in you holding true to your personality and at the same time making you feel proud of whom you are.

The shoes are actually custom painted by HappyCash Fashion and are currently sold out. I assume because they only painted one pair. And speaking of painting pairs: one time I airbrushed a bushel red to look like apples. Oh man, the laughs I had at the farmer's market!

Product Site
via
Cool Nike Super Mario Bros Dunks [walyou]

Apr 8 2010 Hot Water Coffee Burn Baby Weiner!: Drinkclip

The Drinkclip Beltclip is a $5 clip for your belt that holds a beverage instead of a cellphone or laser blaster. You should still wear it right next to your cellphone though. Both of them. I mean, if you want to look cool. Plus fill it with the hottest coffee possible. I'm talking boiling. With no lid. Just trust me -- I'm the king of cool. If your penis catches fire you know you're doing it right.

Product Site
via
Dumb idea of the week: Sticking a cupholder to your pants [dvice]

Thanks to Dan, who doesn't want one himself but encourages you to get one and burn your privates off so you can't breed. Yes, that.

Apr 8 2010 Awesome Mega Man Gameplay Mosaic

This is super impressive mosaic made by neogaf forum member jarosh entirely out of Mega Man screenshots. Around 1,500 of them, encompassing the first six games in the Mega Man franchise. Dammit, Dr. Wily, why won't you die?! Insufferable taint.

they're not completely random, however, they're taken from playthroughs of mega man 1 - 6 (one screenshot taken every x seconds). every stage is in there, from every classic nes mega man game.

i also made a little gallery with all the boxes and cartridges of all the games from every region (at the very bottom).

and there's what you could call a little easter egg in there (for my own convenience really :P ): two rows of screenshots at the bottom (surrounded by a black outline) that show all the weaknesses of robot masters, wily castle bosses and wily machines. all of those screenshots were edited by hand (and it took f***ing FOREVER). you'll see it in the detail shots.

the whole thing was printed on canvas and mounted on a wooden frame. full size: 120 x 109 cm (that's about 4 ft tall).

Good job, jarosh. Or should I say, DR. LIGHT?! Dum dum dum! No? Cool I was just checking.

Hit the jump for a bunch of closeups, but it's worth checking out jarosh's original post on neogaf for higher-res versions.

Continue Reading " Awesome Mega Man Gameplay Mosaic "

Apr 8 2010 Look Ma, No Hands!: A Mouse For Your Feet

The Toe Mouse is the brainchild of Liu Yi and was designed for people who have lost the use of their arms. Oooooor for people who like to masturbate with both hands (I'm on to you!).

Toe Mouse! [engadget]

Thanks to Mr John and rivermind, who are holding out for knee mice. LOLWUT?!

Apr 8 2010 'Pixels': A MUST WATCH Animated Short

NOTE: Should-not-be-missed video is after the jump.

This is a screenshot of an animated short by Patrick Jean appropriately titled 'Pixels'. It's all about oldschool games invading New York and I highly recommend you hit the jump and watch it right now whether you get fired or not. Of course, I may only be saying that because I want your job. Kidding, kidding -- why would I want your job? YOU don't even want it.

Hit it for both Youtube and Vimeo versions of the video.

Continue Reading " 'Pixels': A MUST WATCH Animated Short "

Apr 8 2010 Why?: Tea Kettle Tweets When Tea Is Ready

Because the world is progressing in a downward, Twittering spiral (*swish!*) designers Ben Perman and Murat Multu came up with the Tweetle, a tea kettle that f***ing tweets. Wow, can you say impractical? Now a Twittering microwave, THAT would be something.

Other than informing you and all of your teapots followers that your water has reached 100C, it records weekly stats on how much water it has boiled.

It is a concept for now, and will stay that way unless Perman and Multu can sidle up alongside of $500,000 worth of venture capital.

Wow, how about a big ol', "you've got to be kidding me" to actually funding this project? Say, this reminds me of a joke:

KNOCK KNOCK
WHO'S THERE?
THIS CONCEPT IS A PIECE OF SHIT.

Twettle: a Tweeting Kettle [uberreview]

Thanks to Patricia, who invented a Tweeting coffee pot and is convinced these two hacks stole the idea. Typical.

Apr 8 2010 I'd Eat It And Lick The Toe-Jam: Stormtrooper Tattoo In The Style Of Mexican Sugar Skull

What better way to celebrate The Day of The Dead (WHICH ISN'T TODAY, FYI) than with a Stormtrooper tat in the style of a Mexican sugar skull? I can think of about a million, but apparently this guy's foot couldn't. Also, what self respecting man doesn't shave their toe-knuckle hair? Haha, what do you mean that's a woman? Excuse me while I puke my face and arms off.

BMEzine
via
Star Wars Sugar [kingdomforavoice]

Thanks to Robin, who found the picture searching for inspiration for her own sugar skull tattoo. You should probably just go ahead and get my face, Robin.

Apr 8 2010 Not Cool: Doll With Functional Robotic Peener

NOTE: Video of golden shower action is after the jump.

Baby Wee Wee is not only gonna get made fun of and beat up later in life because his parents can't name a child for shit, but he's also got a robotic pecker. That actually pees if you tickle him or something. I dunno, but the dad in the commercial totally gets hosed in the face. That'll teach you for humping Rosie!

Hit it for two commercials, both of which served to remind me why I never want to have robotic children.

Continue Reading " Not Cool: Doll With Functional Robotic Peener "

Apr 8 2010 Crack Needs Crack: A LEGO Amy Winehouse

Seen here about to make out with his own sculpture, 19-year old Justin Ramsden used over 3,000 LEGO pieces to make this Amy Winehouse bust. Good lookin', Justin, now if she just had crack falling out of her hair and one boob on the loose terrorizing a group of minifigs I'd swear it was actually her.

Justin Ramsden used more than 3,000 bricks to model Amy Winehouse [thenorthernecho]

Thanks to Tom, who once made a Whitney Houston LEGO sculpture but it accidentally set itself on fire while high on drugs.

Apr 8 2010 It's A...It's A...It's An Element!: Periodic Table Gets New Addition To The Atomic Family

That's right folks, the periodic table is getting another new addition to the family. And apparently these super-heavy elements they're creating in the lab are getting stabler and stabler as atomic weight increases. Which gives me hope Geekologieum won't fly off the handle if you accidentally call it a little pudgy.

The team produced six atoms of the element by smashing together isotopes of calcium and a radioactive element called berkelium in a particle accelerator about 75 miles north of Moscow on the Volga River, according to a paper that has been accepted for publication at the journal Physical Review Letters.

Data collected by the team seem to support what theorists have long suspected: that as newly created elements become heavier and heavier they will eventually become much more stable and longer-lived than the fleeting bits of artificially produced matter seen so far.

If the trend continues toward a theorized "island of stability" at higher masses, said Dawn A. Shaughnessy, a chemist at Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory in California who is on the team, the work could generate an array of strange new materials with as yet unimagined scientific and practical uses.

Anti-gravity boots here I come! Invisibility cloak here I come! I'm gonna be hovering around the nearest women's locker room before you female readers and trannies can ask, "why is the ceiling panting?"

Scientists Discover Heavy New Element [nytimes]

Thanks Malandros and Nik, I'm putting you two in charge of discovering Geekologieum. Don't let me down! I'm serious, I hate walking.

Apr 8 2010 Afraid Of The Dark (Side): Lightsaber Nightlight

Let's just take a minute to reflect on the all-encompassing awesomeness that is the title I came up with. Kidding, it's pretty sucky. NO IT'S NOT EITHER! This is a remote-controlled lightsaber nightlight for those of you that are afraid of the dark. Side. Afraid of the dark side. I CAN'T STOP!

This sweet remote-controlled, wall-mounted lightsaber light is able to change into seven different colors and can be adjusted via remote from bed. If you get scared, you can just look up and see that you're being protected by the Force, or the Jedis, or something like that.

The lightsabers are available for preorder now ($25), but won't ship till the 3rd quarter of the year. Which I think we can all agree is a long time to wait if you're worried about Sith touching your butt while you sleep. But what can you do? (I cut both cheeks off)

Product Site
via
OMFG, it's a remote-control lightsaber nightlight! [dvice]

Thanks to Spartacus, who doesn't need a nightlight because he keeps a campfire burning in a wastebasket. Sounds safe to me.

Apr 7 2010 She Sounds Kinda Bitter: Girl Hacks Ex's Email After Breakup, Deletes Starcraft Beta Code

NOTE: Video after the jump is completely NSFW due to girl's anger-filled potty mouth. No wonder he broke up with you!

This is a video of some chick telling her ex-boyfriend that she hacked his email and changed his password, after deleting his Starcraft 2 beta code email. But mostly it's just a girl screaming and cussing. And probably fake. Which, ssssssh! -- don't ruin it for me.

Hit it for a shit-load of angst.

Continue Reading " She Sounds Kinda Bitter: Girl Hacks Ex's Email After Breakup, Deletes Starcraft Beta Code "

Apr 7 2010 Rollin' On Lit Dubs, All Over Your Ugly Mugs

I know, I should be a rap artist. Unfortunately, I've been ousted by the rap community for crushing them all in the annual 40-chugging competition. God, get a sippy cup, Jay-Z! Nas -- you're still cool. Anyway, retractable lights for your chrome-y rims.

Each ($500) kit comes with four of the telescoping lights which install in your wheel wells and retract/extend at the push of a button on the included fob. The remote also allows you to select one of seven different colors depending on your mood, and even strobe the lights for grabbing the maximum amount of attention you can.

As ridiculous as they are, I just had to be the first on my block to actually have a set. So -- what do you think? Well, you have to look past the cinderblocks. Pretend they're monster truck tires.

Retractable MotionLites Highlight Your Rims [ohgizmo]

Thanks to Julio, who something something down by the school yard.

Apr 7 2010 So, You Think You're Fast: The Flash Hoodie

This $45 hoodie from 80's Tees makes you look like some superhero. I dunno, Lightning Man or something. Thor maybe?

This DC Comics Zip-up Hoodie is inspired by the outfit worn by The Flash. The hood has a mask as well as the lightning bolt antennas as seen on The Flash.

Of course, The Flash. Best known for, uh, waving his junk at unsuspecting criminals. Oh you think you're gonna rob a bank, do you? Not if I have anything to do with it! *ZIIIIIIIIIP*....
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Why are you laughing? AND WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THOSE MONEYBAGS?! Hold on, I'm gonna take my shirt off too.

Hit the jump for a close-up of the hood and a very unworthwhile video.

Continue Reading " So, You Think You're Fast: The Flash Hoodie "

Apr 7 2010 Blockbuster, You Could Learn A Thing Or Two

Haha, what do you mean there are other genres? I'll believe it when I see it.

How Every Video Store Should Organize Their Movies [albotas]

Apr 7 2010 Shrink-Ray Me, I Wanna Drive It!: LEGO Bugatti With Functional 7-Speed Gearbox

Skilled LEGO builder Sheepo went and made a Bugatti Veyron out of LEGO Technic pieces. And it's radio controlled. And it does things my real car can't even do. Like not sit on cinderblocks. You're gonna need to hit the jump and watch the video to fully appreciate Sheepo's work though, because it shows off the car's braking, automated bonnet and rear spoiler, and amazing 7-speed gearbox (transmission action starts at 1:45). Good job, Sheepo, now how about a full-size version? Daddy needs a new set of wheels! Also, testes. I'm not even man enough to pencil off the high-dive!

Hit it for the video.

Continue Reading " Shrink-Ray Me, I Wanna Drive It!: LEGO Bugatti With Functional 7-Speed Gearbox "

Apr 7 2010 Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co.: Finally, A Reputable Supplier Of Superhero Goods

Looking for a new cape? Maybe some invisibility paint? How about an all new top-secret lair? Well fear not, aspiring crimefighter, Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co. has you covered. Peruse their catalog for all your superhero-ing needs. And all the (well, most of the) products are real, so you can actually order whatever you want! Granted, they're not all guaranteed to work, but neither is my penis after two wine coolers. What? I'm a lady!

Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co.

Thanks to Kieren, who makes all his superhero supplies himself in his basement.

Apr 7 2010 Come On, China, That Is Sooooo Not A Yeti

I don't know if China has even seen a drawing of a Yeti before but they never look like this. And they're also never in pink cages popping an angry squat while their picture's being taken. Glaring inaccuracies aside, this is the "oriental yeti".

The creature was snared in Sichuan province "after locals reported spotting what they thought was a bear". Hunter Lu Chin said: "It looks a bit like a bear but it doesn't have any fur and it has a tail like a kangaroo. It also does not sound like a bear - it has a voice more like a cat and it is calling all the time - perhaps it is looking for the rest of its kind or maybe it's the last one?

He concluded: "There are local legends of a bear that used to be a man and some people think that's what we caught."

Well hate to rain on the yeti Parade, but you remember Delores, the hairless bear at that German zoo? Well I think this is something similar. Except not a bear -- yo momma. Plus she wears combat boots and dresses you funny! Did I really just....? Yes, and I'm not taking it back either unless you tell her and she calls my parents and they make me.

Chinese hunters capture 'yeti' [theregister]

Thanks to John, Juan, Pat and Uncle_FUJ, who are all surprised it hasn't ended up on a menu yet.

Apr 7 2010 Real People Painted To Look Like Paintings

That's a real-ass live human woman right there! You see, DC artist Alexa Meade paints people to look like they're in paintings. Maybe art isn't dead! But you know what is? The opossum on the sidewalk right outside my apartment complex. It's true, I even poked it with a stick when I was walking the dogs.

I paint representational portraits directly on top of the people I am representing. The models are transformed into embodiments of the artist's interpretation of their essence. When captured on film, the living, breathing people underneath the paint disappear, overshadowed by the masks of themselves.

Whoa -- that was a little deep for me, Alexa. And I'm not just saying that because I hang out in the shallow end of the intellectual pool, but -- GOTDAMNIT CAN YOU KIDS GO FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT SHITTING IN THE WATER?!

Hit the jump for a ton more of worthwhile amazingness, as well as the link to even more in higher-res.

Continue Reading " Real People Painted To Look Like Paintings "

Apr 7 2010 Finally!: Quality Sequined Pac-Man Pasties

Are you a stripper looking to add a little geeky flair to all that gyratin' and booty grindin' you do around the pole? Then you're in luck, thanks to Lady Tornade's custom Pac-Man pasties. And they're only 60 euros (~$80)! Wait, what? MAKE YOUR OWN OUT OF CONSTRUCTION PAPER! Which, did I ever tell you I thought I cut my left nipple off shaving my chest one time? Yeah, I passed out in the tub.

Hit the jump for the slightly NSFW uncensored shot (I mean, there are pasties), as well as close-ups (sans knockers) of the Pac-Man and 1-up nipple covers.

Continue Reading " Finally!: Quality Sequined Pac-Man Pasties "

Apr 7 2010 Eat My Dust, Cylons: Guy Makes Street-Legal Viper Starfighter From Battlestar Galactica

Some guy went and made a Colonial Viper Starfighter from Battlestar Galactica out of an old Postal Service Jeep, a bunch of other crap, and a small-block Chevy V-8. Hey, I have a small block too! Just sayin', guys that like to have sex with cars. No? Holy shit, I've hit rock bottom.

The car was built by Dean Shorey, the master ride mechanic for Seabreeze Amusement Park in Rochester, NY. I worked there as a systems engineer for one season on a custom pump house control system for their waterpark. Dean and his crew have that park in such good working order, that he has a lot of free time on his hands, especially in the off seasons (when the park isn't building custom antique style carousels for other parks). So he restores and collects cars. Last I talked with him, he had over 20 something vehicles in various states of restoration. He's a big fan of the original BSG, so he decided to build himself a STREET LEGAL Viper Starfighter. From what I remember, the front end is off of an old postal Jeep, it has chevy small block engine (cause Dean is a GM guy and he has lots of small blocks lying around the shop). It seats one person and has a cassette deck. No A/C.

Now listen: I'm not one to judge because God knows you probably couldn't find a faultier human being than yours truly, but I'm not so sure a guy who warrants three handicapped spaces should even be driving.

Two more shots of the wide right turner after the jump.

Continue Reading " Eat My Dust, Cylons: Guy Makes Street-Legal Viper Starfighter From Battlestar Galactica "

Apr 6 2010 Yow Yow: Star Wars Pin-Up/Propaganda Girls

There's nothing sexier than a drawing of a hot girl, amirite? Wrong. That was a test and you failed you little hentai-loving horndog, you. Your shame aside, this is a little gallery of Star Wars pin-up/Galactic Empire propaganda posters as imagined by illustrator Feng Zhu. Because nothing makes men want to join a fighting force like pictures of hot girls, amirite? Wrong again. Guys join fighting forces with the hopes of firing lasers at other people's faces. It's true, even it they don't want to admit it because they want to seem like the quiet, gentle type that deserves to be in your pants. SNAP -- consider yourself cock-blocked, son!

Hit the jump for seven more of the commie propaganda.

Continue Reading " Yow Yow: Star Wars Pin-Up/Propaganda Girls "

Apr 6 2010 There Is Nothing Okay About This Picture

This is a little animated gif of a robot with laser-eyes wielding a missile atop a unicorn trampling a Smurf village. There is nothing okay about that. As a matter of fact, I hate everything about it except the unicorn and the mushrooms. The rest of it can all go to hell and spend eternity picking up hot charcoals in the median of Hell's Highway with it's asscheeks. *HONK HONK!* You dropped a piece.

Missile-Throwing Eyebeam Laser Robot on a Unicorn [rainbowzombiesatemyunicorn]

Thanks to Ravel and khz, who would have both backhanded that robot off its mount and then stuck that missile so far up its [edited for classiness] and then [is that even possible?!] until its head exploded.

Apr 6 2010 Puff, Is That You?: Dragon Spotted Flying Above Cinderella's Castle At Disney World

Sure it looks more like a turtle skull BUT USE YOUR IMAGINATION. If you squint while nodding your head and pretending you're shaking a handful of dice it looks like you're masturbating a dragon. But it's actually the smoke trail from NASA's launch of the Shuttle Discovery en route to the International Space Station. Or is it the smoke monster from LOST?....
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Kill Mickey! DO IT -- IT'S HIS TIME!

Hit the jump for a shot of the launch that's a lot less dragon-y.

Continue Reading " Puff, Is That You?: Dragon Spotted Flying Above Cinderella's Castle At Disney World "

Apr 6 2010 Predictable But Good: Google Star Wars Ad

NOTE: JUMP VIDEO IS AFTER THE JUMP.

This is a little Star Wars themed Google commercial made by the guys over at College Humor. I thought it was pretty cute. Cute, but predictable. Kind of like Wall-E, unless you actually thought he was gonna die at the end. I know, I was hoping too. I'm not sick you're sick.

Hit the jump for the actual video.

Continue Reading " Predictable But Good: Google Star Wars Ad "

Apr 6 2010 Goodness, You're Making Me All Steamy!: Steampunk 'Victorian Organ Control Desk'

Bruce Rosenbaum has a problem. And it's not something you can take a pill for like burny urine, either. You see, Bruce and his wife Melanie can't stop steampunking everything in their house. God, you're worse than the people on 'Hoarders'!

Everything decked in for the Command Desk compilation is authentic Victorian antique. Then be it the inverted Chapel organ pipes mounted on the wall behind the setup, or the all-in-one workstation desk completed in 3 monitors, printer, scanner and webcam, of course the keyboard and other peripherals included. The Victorian Organ Command Desk besides the aforementioned, has a iPhone doc, horn speakers on either side, USB and card media readers, a scanner under the keyboard, a clock face flanked in 6 LCD digital picture frame displays and a pair of coach lamps with neon flicker bulbs for all that ambience required.

I've got to admit it's pretty awesome, even if it isn't my cup of tea. And speaking of my cup of tea: why's it smell like urine? I swear I can't turn around for one second without a coworker pissin' in my drank. THERE'S A BATHROOM RIGHT DOWN THE HALL, IDIOTS.

Hit the jump for several more pics, including some of the finger details like a steampunk USB drive and webcam.

Continue Reading " Goodness, You're Making Me All Steamy!: Steampunk 'Victorian Organ Control Desk' "

Apr 6 2010 I Bet It's From The Future: Light Beam Table

The Light Beam coffee table may look like alien technology, and it probably is. That or it's from the future, one or the other. Or both. Did your mind just explode? Mine did. Hey this coffee tastes like brains.

The Light Beam coffee table is packed with thousands of little LED lights, lights that are able to have their colors changed on the fly. Made of reclaimed teak packed in resin, it was apparently inspired by railway sleepers.

Railway sleepers? You mean like hobos? Oooooh -- like a sleeper car, I got it. Also, the Midas touch. Kidding, kidding -- everything I touch turns to shit. You should see my keyboard.

Light Beam coffee table looks ready to explode with light [dvice]

Apr 6 2010 Didn't I See You Circling The Middle School?

Hey mister, you got any Twizzlers in the back of that thing?

Party Van [epicponyz]
via
The Pedo Wagon [albotas]

Thanks to julie, who claims she's seen dude lurking in the bike aisle at Toys R Us.

Apr 6 2010 No I'm nOt' been DRinkling'; Stuff About Boze

NOTE: This is only a small part of the chart so rub THIS PINK BUTTON to make magical internet things happen and see the whole thing.

Booze: God's way of saying thanks for taking part in this little experiment of mine. But did you know there's more to booze than just happiness and picking fights with strangers? I didn't. But if you're into looking at pictures and reading words there are things here to discover. For instance, did you know that 4 out of 5 of first sexual occurrences happen under the influence of alcohol? I don't believe it. I didn't even know what booze was when I was 11! 15. 26? Aaaany day now.

World of Booze [onlineschools]

Thanks to mike469x, who took a wine tasting course in college but failed because he kept getting drunk on Mad Dog 20/20's before class and couldn't differentiate varietals over the taste of pure ass in his mouth.

Apr 6 2010 You Did It Wrong: Two German Women Try To Pull Off Real Life 'Weekend At Bernie's"

Two German women have been arrested after trying to fly one of their dead husbands from Liverpool to Berlin over the weekend. But not in a casket, oh-no, in a suit with sunglasses on. Classy!

Staff became suspicious when they tried to check in 91-year-old Curt Willi Jarant, who was wearing sunglasses, for a flight to Berlin on Saturday.

The women - his widow and step-daughter - said they thought he was asleep.

Asked to describe her late husband, who she called Willi, Gitta Jarant said: "[He was] the best man of the world - good man.

"I [did not] kill my Willi. My Willi is my god. I [have loved] my Willi for 22 years."

Mr Jarant's step-daughter Anke Anusic added: "They would think that for 24 hours we would carry a dead person? This is ridiculous. He was moving, he was breathing. Eight people saw him."

Eight people saw him, huh? For a cool $10K I can make that nine. I'll even vouch I saw him pee in an airport restroom and left without washing his hands BECAUSE I'M AN EXPERT WITNESS.

Women try to take body on plane at Liverpool airport [bbcnews]

Thanks to emc2 and john, who kept feeding their dead gerbils for weeks because their parents told them they were just sleeping.

Apr 6 2010 Oooh, Architecture-y: A LEGO Fallingwater

Sure the actual LEGO company manufactures a Frank Lloyd Wright 'Fallingwater' set as part of its Architecture series, but it's a scant 811 pieces. PIECES FALLINGWATER NEEDS MORE PIECES. Thankfully, Matija Grguric took it upon upon himself to make a better version (high-res shot HERE).

Matija Grguric's minifig scale creation of Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater portrays the beauty of the architecture amidst the backdrop of a snowy winter. The 45″ X 30″ creation took 7 months and uses about 15,000 bricks.

15,000 pieces -- now you're talking. You hear that, Big Bad Wolf? You can forget about bacon tonight! Just sayin', huff and puff all you want you're only gonna end up high and hungry.

Hit the jump for several more shots but you really need to check out Matija's Flickr gallery to see the high-res pics for full appreciation.

Continue Reading " Oooh, Architecture-y: A LEGO Fallingwater "

Apr 6 2010 No, Absolutely Not: Gold Plated XBox 360's

No matter what the product, eventually some b-hole's gonna come along and gold-plate the thing and then try selling it for like a million times what it's worth. And you know what the real sick part is? Some other b-hole is actually gonna buy it, perpetuating the circle of chintz. God I'm furious right now.

You've gotta hand it to the guys at Computer Choppers. They know how to coat gadgets in fancy metals. Today's gold-plated electronic creation, the 24-karat Xbox 360.

The gaudy beast will set you back $5K and I'm gonna laugh my face off when it red rings on you. Of course, you'll probably just throw it away and buy a platinum one. God you make me sick (when's your trash day?).

Hit the jump for a bunch of pictures, including a bonus golden PS3.

Continue Reading " No, Absolutely Not: Gold Plated XBox 360's "

Apr 5 2010 Dammit Michelangelo, Are You High Again?

First of all, that looks like Michelangelo's arm, so I don't know why there's a sai there. Unless it's actually Raphael's arm. Or -- OR -- Michelangelo stabbed Raphael with his own knife because he was high and Raph was bogarting the j. So, uh, now that you're down a member -- maybe I can join? Come on, I know ninja stuff. Sweep the leg, GW!

Oh, Michelangelo [hackedirl]
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Daily Graffiti: Raphael Just Wants Some Pizza [albotas]