Dec 14 2009Kids Are Crazy As Hell: Dear God Letters

Someone's scanner is crap.

These are freaking hilarious! Here's mine...

Dear God:
Do you exist?

Please say yes if you are real and no if you are not.

lawl

The girraffe one is the best. I sprayed coffee all over the keyboard

Deep

Dear god, if that is your real name;
if "2012" is really going to be the end of the world, can you speed up the process a bit?

Dear God,

Is the whole masturbation/kill a kitten thing for real?

Love,
naas

THanks for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy! I love it!

Dear God,

F*ck you buddy....

Sincerly,
Satan

The dino-one is nice! Especially knowing that "dinos did not exist" if you stick to the fantasy story about God and his friends :)

Here's mine:

Dear God,

ORLY?

Love,
T.

I'm expecting a YA RLY numberplate or anything now. That would be awesome :)

Dear God,

Why did you have to put the testicles on the outside? Seems like a stupid thing to do.

- Cam

Dear God,

I know you had a plan for everyone..but why was I plan "B"?

Love,
Chuey

these letters all look like they were written by the same person. Same letters same spellings... egh

Dear God:

can you throw a baseball farther than my dad?

Dear God,

I know you're just an invention and a lot of dumb hicks believe you exist and my teacher is stupid for making us write you a letter, but can I get an xbox ?

FAKE. this is like that time i watched Jesus Camp immediately after viewing Never Back Down.

Dear god

what's your deal?

@2

The Christian version of that question

Dear God,
Do you exist?

If Yes, leave empty.

Love,
Blindly devoted

I liked the one about not letting people die and keeping the ones we have. Very existential.

Dear God,

Hi. Just sayin'

Love,
Profound

Deer God:

Thank Yoo four all the Atheists.
They are rilly funny to laff at.

Your buddy,
Dave

the one about the shoes, his name is Mickey D.

Dear God,

Why do you allow so many dousches to own computers?

love me

Dear God,

have i used ALL my time at school
because the world is going to suck in 2012?

Hash EasterBunny

GW totally wrote that first one. It was before the dino-boner kicked in, when he was but a God-believing-Dino-hating-idiot-child.

Here's to puberty!

Dear God,

have i used ALL my time at school
because the world is going to suck in 2012?

Hash EasterBunny

Dear God:

Please kill all the firstards.

Zimon

Wow. Poor kids, brainwashed into believing in god.

And that one kid was right, puppies are much better than little brothers.

Dear God,
Even the tin man got a brain. Why didn't I?
-Paris Hilton

actually he got a heart...

Dear God,

As I smoke too much already and will probably die of lung cancer please give me the abilities you bestowed to John Constantine so I can spend the next 3 years deporting demons. Then you can send it all t*ts up in 2012.

Thanks,

Vicky

Luna, are you Rebecca ? :P x
It's ant haha :D

FAKE !
This is a complete photoshop job. You can tell it's fake because the shadows are all wrong.
It's just like that scene in the movie Never BAck Down where baja wrote a letter to God stating that they were useless and never helped anyone with anything. Then three days later she got a reply telling her to get laid and 'deal with it'.

Dearest God,

I think Budda has been getting your mail. I told Ala to get it but he was all like, "WHAT ABOUT ALL THESE VIRGINS!?!?!" and so that's why you didn't recieve you Birds and Blooms magazine this month.

Hope it helped,

FDSY

dear god

i know i dont believe in you, but can you blow up my school, and torture my teachers and give me drugs.

dear halal hippie

@35-
"Ala"?
It's Allah, he's not french...

:)

Dear G-O-D.

How come there was never any mention of Jesus' carpentry work in the Bible? I mean you have examples of him fishing and being pretty good at but there was never any mention of him like, puttin gup shelves, or building an extension above a garage, or even a fricking brid house. Why? Are you ashamed of your son/you?

Jesus was a terrible carpenter, wasn't he?

Sincerely,

FDSY

he can turn water into wine but HE CANT BUILD ME FUCKING BOOKSHELF?!?!?!?!?!

I say we feed all the Johnathans to the robots.

no no no fuck you

Dear God,

Did you know your name backwards is Dog? Was this done intentionally? I keep wondering if you were an almighty dog what kind would you be. Maybe a heavenly chihuahua with a Spanish accent.

Oh and was Jesus really your son or just some poser. Like did he really do all those miracles like walking on water. Cause i'm pretty sure David Blaine knows how to do that too, so was he the real deal or just a really cool magician?

And since I'm made in your image and all can you get bigger boobs? Cause i can't afford bigger boobs right now.

P.s. please tell santa that greedy bastard owes me a bicycle.

love always,
jordana.

@34 -that has lost its humor.

10.T- "The dino-one is nice! Especially knowing that "dinos did not exist" if you stick to the fantasy story about God and his friends :)"

@10. T
Clearly you dont know the bible or you are seriously misinformed. Dinosaurs are in the Bible and did exist. Read it and you'll see where they speak of Dragons; actuall living, breathing, scaley dragons (dinosaurs! for the late person). Isaiah describes them as "The old way of God"

Dear God -

I want my bills payed off.

Thanks,
LAW

"God hates mis-spellars. Plus Jonathans."

Does that mean that Jonathon's are still loved?

Dear God,
Pass a drink. Beer please.

Marjory

Dear God,

Why did you send that gi-freaking-normous meteor to earth a couple billion years ago? It killed all my friends, and I've been stuck here rusting; with nothing but a bunch of freaking apes to talk to.

Curiously,
Disgruntled Survivor

PS. @23 sizzle on

I am not Rebecca.

Dear God,

Why us it that every time you're mentioned, all manner of ignorant, hate-filled termites feel compelled to crawl out of the woodwork? Is it because they're just upset about this shitty life we live and have no other way to deal with their anger and sadness than to hate and deny you?

Also, thanks for the penis. This thing is awesome.

Love, me

Dear God,
We obviously have EVERYTHING figured out. Please let the majority live full of their pride and continue thinking we are here by chance.

Thanks
Freddy Kreuger

@12 That is because if testicles were inside of your body, your body heat would greatly diminish your testicles' sperm making abilities. So if you want a lower sperm count, wear tighty-whities, and you'll be less likely to 'slip one past the goalie'.... just sayin

@7 YES!!!!
And I know that you know, that I know, that you are responsible for a pile of dead kittens higher than Mount Everest...... just sayin

Dear Go...

Oh, who am I kidding.

Dear God,
Why do grown ups fake children's letters?

also:

Dear Geekologie,
Why can't you see through this scam?

Dear God,
Are you really the creator of the universe or just a really good magician?

Dear Jonathan,
My dad can beat up your dad.
Sincerily,Jesus.

Dear Dog,
Why i am Lysdexic?

@9

I'm not your buddy, guy.

Dear God,
What have you done for me lately?
P.S. Monotheism is stupid

I'm a teacher, and I'm pretty sure kids didn't write these. The handwriting is way too good to match up with the things that are written.

Old...I saw this on a Myspace page like 2 years ago.

Dear Dummies,

I ain't got time for your B.S.

Grow up.

-God, the Original Gangster

Dear GaWd,

Why do you only love me if I do the boy-game with Pastor Jim? It hurts. Please stop making me.

I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. These were taken out of the book "Children's Letters to God" by Stuart Hample/Eric Marshall. Check Amazon and preview the inside of the book.

Dear God,

Why did you invent school?

Squid.

dear god,

stop contradicting yourself

bringerzl

Dear God,

Why do people like #10, and all the crazies s/he is making fun of have to take every religious text literally? If this design fault was fixed, the world would be a much better place. Also we need to bring back dinosaurs, which are clearly mentioned in the Bible. Unless you read one of the crazy new age translations that turns the leviathan into a hippo instead of a dinosaur because the translators were on PCP.

-Steve.

dear God...

why did the cia invent dinosaurs to dissuade time travel? i mean total letdown

love, time dino

dear god,

ARE YOU ON THE BALL?! GET ON THE BALL! WITH NEW OXY CLEAN DETERGENT!!!

dear god, if you and chuck norris had an arm wrestling competition, who would win?

fake

Dear God,
Thank you for being longsuffering.
Sincerely,
me

Dear God,

When Spell-check fails,
WHERE ARE YOU?!

@46:
No, because there are no apostrophes in the plural form of words.

God if you are all powerful can you create something that you cant destroy

Dear Mr. God Sir...

If Heaven's really in the backseat of my cadalac, how cone I've never noticed it?

Sincerely,
Hot Chocolate

(Grats to all who get this and know the horrible song)

Dear God

I like Cheese.... do you?

that is all...

Dear God,

if you give black jelly beans to little sister i make happy

Jill

Dear Everyone,

I know you guys can come up with better stuff than that. Oh! Look under your chairs, you'll find something spiffy.

Dear God,

Thank you for barley, hops and pot.

Yours truly,

Jaded

Dear God,

A buddy of mine was wondering, can you microwave a burrito so hot that even you can't eat it?

Oh, and are you so smart that you don't even believe in yourself? And if you don't believe in yourself, do you cease to exist?

thanks,
Anton

Dear god,

Thank you for inspiring people to create transparently phony correspondence from alleged children to you. It's not as though there were a dearth of fakery online and elsewhere.

Also: You and your brilliant diseases can kiss my butt (unless the diseases are communicable through butt-kissing, keep those ones to yourself).

J

[email protected]

The last three are excellent.

@20 Cyclical philosophy fail.
@24 Theist fail.
@44 Archaeology fail. Also vagueness of subject fail.

Fuck it. Theists fail. If you're reading this thinking 'but I'm a theist', then you fail. You're all intolerable. Seriously. Never met a good one of you. All assholes. Even when it's not on the subject of God, you're always so credulous or stuck up. It sucks, and makes you suck. Go read Richard Dawkins' work. Or Michael Shermer. You'd probably need to read On The Origin Of Species too. Fuck it, even try reading THE BIBLE and see if you can hold back a scream of injustice when God turns Lot's wife into a pillar of salt for looking back at Gomorrah, but lets his daughters off with incestuous rape. Seriously, you're religion is way fucked up, morally and sociologically. You're not doing anyone any good, you're not providing any morals to society, you're not improving anything in any way. In fact, you halt scientific advancement, so DOUBLE FUCK YOU! Up your gullible ass.

I smell FAKE... I have an 8 and 6 year old and to be honest I have never seen them write in one take what they want to say - especially something important to Santa, the Tooth Fairy or GOD! come on ... thats pressure folks.

Not one spelling mistake??? either these kids are MENSA or its a fake

Dear, God....

Do you really watch everything I do? If so, that thing I did in the shower the other day.... sorry you had to see that.

Dear God,

How come when mommy sleeps dad gets into my bed?

Dear God,

Is Mary really virgin or what?

Amen.

92nd!! YEAH!

Dear God,

Why do people who don't even believe in you STILL get so pissed at you?

WZ

Dear God,

Thanks for the techno.

Love,

Robert

You know what's sad, those page's go in order by age. 5 - 22 years old.

@44
.you are right.

but you are also talking people who practice the opinion they absorb through popular culture rather than developing their own

9 out of 10 of these atheist comments come from people who think "survival of the fittest" (as in the strongest) is the basis of evolution theories.
9 out of 10 of these people claim to be atheist but couldn't explain 1 aspect of Atheist philosophy or even identify what anti-humanism is

these "atheists" laugh at people believing on God while they believe in a philosophy/ scientific world view that they cannot identify, explain or understand.
though they don't understand what they believe in, the fact that other people tell them it makes sense, is enough
even though philosophy, science tells us seeking an absolute truth--is a fools game that goes no where...these guys claim there is no god. because even though science and philosophy shows answering such a question one way or another is illogical , these people claim science is on their side...

science does not know all or explain all...just look at the sense conventional physics make of black holes
look at the sense humanist/secular philosophy has made trying to define the sublime.
the sheep that did not think but followed the latest trends can be atheist , or religious.....but never forget it is these people and not religion or science itself that causes problem
stupid people always try to blame something other than stupidity and this is the real problem. plenty of people who are religious work and innovate in various sciences....likewise, many scientific minded people excel in interpreting/understanding the Bible----
stupidity is the problem and blaming religion is a way of avoiding fixing it and allowing it to reproduce.
stupid people are gonna blame religion like they blamed science before...
they always blame contradictions in the Bible because they do not think and require something to follow /tell them what to do.
SCience is new, respectable so it is attractive
when Christianity was new and respectable -these same douches were faking stigmata and seeing jesus face in potato chips
same stupidity--different bullshit

#85
the West has a remarkable talent for transforming everything into an ideology.
Ideological interpretations of Christianity NOT Christianity stifles scientific progress.
just like Atheist science-rooted ideologies
(Stalinims/Leninism) stifled scientific progress and the development of electronic/digital technology
ideological thinking--the assumption that a single idea/view can explain every aspect of human existence is the problem
example- Marxist philosophy--class struggle does not explain everything
example- Freud comes up with an idea-so other douches adopt it as the key to the truth
ideological thinking scientific or religious=stupidity.

Dear God,

Will you "go" with me?

Check YES or NO

[__] YES [__] NO

Kids Are Crazy As Hell: Dear God Letters

this is good...

FAKE!

@ 76 Matter, duh!?! ;)

@ 94
Amen, brother!

@ 85: Hey, I'm an atheist too, but I manage to not be an insufferable cock about it. What's the last time you enlightened someone by talking shit to them?

I'm Atheist to
But I'm nice because I know its right
Not because someone told me that if I am nice to people I will have a good after life
Because I know once I die I will just be, well, lifeless matter
No magical kingdom or torture below
I know what science says is right because it makes sense and has proof

Dear god-fans,

thanks for contributing to praying. Take good care where you investigate into. God is not a powertool, God is the space you may find if you open your heart.

Warmest, another earthy being

dear god

thanks 4 not existing so i can prove that you dont exist in the l8ter 20 years

Dear children of the world,
Sorry, the morning after pill didn't excist back in adam and eve's day. love you all like the step-children you are. See you all as i look down on you in the pit.
You're forgotten creator - GOD

Haha, very awesome

Dear God,
Why won't you accept my challenge for death match?
chicken? buk buk bakaak!

To my children on Earth:

I don't need money or Earthly power. I don't need political parties to stand up for me to try and preserve me. All I need is for you to do as I say: love me for I made you, and love each other for I made you all equal. For I made your hearts to love as I love you. There is not an obstacle you cannot overcome - not disease, nor poverty, nor physical or mental disability, nor pride, nor hatred, nor hardness of the heart.

However, you must overcome these obstacles, for love is not love if it is not worked for. All things are worth working for. Do not trees bear fruit with careful tending, or cattle feed great numbers when looked after? So is love so nourishing, yet needing maintenance. Love would not be as satisfying otherwise.

I will be here to help you, often when you think you are most alone. When you struggle to cross the barriers to loving me and loving others, think of me. Think on my Son. Read about Him in the books set out before you, and in the testimonies of His disciples. Also think on those who followed His earthly example. Francis of Assisi, Karol Wojtyła, and Agnes Bojaxhiu are but three who so sought Me they inspired the world and struck it with awe. All men should strive as they did.

And there is no barrier - not mental or physical affliction, nor pride, nor hatred, nor social status, nor titles and honours that can separate one man from another. For these are Earthly things. But I made you in My image so you could be like Me, and be with Me for always. You are not of flesh and bone, but of soul and Spirit, merely encased in flesh and bone. I try to reach you, but you reject Me because you are scared. Of what? Or pompous and inflated with arrogance. And what greatness have you accomplished that was not of My hands? Or you believe only what you see, another form of arrogance.

Those who trust and believe shall not be the richest, nor the most intelligent, nor the lauded of the Earth. But they shall reach farther than limited human knowledge ever could. For where will you be when students study your theories and hypotheses? Do people remember buildings, or the men who built them? Will anyone care or remember your Earthly and bodily conquests of the flesh?

I will remember you for always, for I made you, and I love you and have loved you. Always. And I want to continue to love you. But why should I seek a lover who does not love me? If a woman wishes to take a murderer for a husband instead of a deacon, how can the deacon stop her? She has made her decision, and unless she changes her heart or seeks to, she risks her own life to one who guarantees death instead of one who is holy.

I pray you shall seek holiness and life instead of death. For life is abundant, waiting for you. I made it so it shall be in plenitude for even the blind or crippled. Come to me and have life.

I love you.

With the greatest of loves,

God

@2 WIN.

Ginny, Jane and Joyce; all funny. Jane and Ginny actually made a good point in their letters. Joyce's was enought to literally make me laugh my ass off. No, seriously, it's f**king right there on the floor!