Oct 11 2009Speak For Yourself: Scientists Claim We Would Never Survive A Zombie Apocalypse
According to a couple of Canadian researchers, the human race could never weather a zombie uprising. Pfft, speak for yourselves, Canucks -- I'M A SURVIVOR!
Based on models of rampant infectious diseases, say researchers, civilization would be doomed if we were ever attacked by zombies.
If society were ever attacked by zombies, we would probably be doomed, and quickly. That was the conclusion of two university researchers in Ottawa, Ontario, who set up mathematical models hypothesizing zombie attacks as infectious diseases with the well-known characteristics of zombie biology from popular fiction. In fact, according to a July BBC News report, zombies are more threatening than virulent diseases because they can regenerate (unless decapitated or incinerated, of course). More troubling was the researchers' presumption that zombies move slowly, as in older movies, but in recent fiction, they're super-quick, making them nearly invincible.
Oh man, as much as I do respect a couple of Canadians with calculators plugging away at a mathematical model they created using the info they gathered from Shawn of the Dead and Zombieland, this is one blogger who isn't succumbing to the zombie apocalypse. Robot, sure, but not zombies.
Thanks to Gideon, who isn't going out in any sort of apocalypse. Except perhaps a sexpocalypse. Just kidding!
Reader Comments
1. Taylor - October 11, 2009 1:18 PM
i would...
2. Nate - October 11, 2009 1:19 PM
Shaun, not Shawn
3. J-SIZZLE - October 11, 2009 1:26 PM
Facebook told me i would survive. FACEBOOK KNOWS ALL!
4. Darkness - October 11, 2009 1:44 PM
Hells no. I can defeat zombies thanks to this new injection they made. Its called B2H. Bullet 2 the Head. Oh yeah. Zombies form a single file line please. No cutsies.
5. Scooper - October 11, 2009 1:46 PM
Wasn't this reported on ages ago?
6. Youdontnomie - October 11, 2009 1:47 PM
pfft....Zombies.
7. wait.... - October 11, 2009 1:59 PM
"...zombies are more threatening than virulent diseases because they can regenerate..."
Zombie regeneration? Since when? Study is BS
8. Geekolojew - October 11, 2009 2:03 PM
Must See!!!
http://alturl.com/obg7
________________
9. White667 - October 11, 2009 2:09 PM
Zombies can't regenerate! That's the whole point. What would REALLY happen is anywhere closed off (out at sea) would survive, the zombies would take over the mainlands, then die out from hunger, literally every island in the world would be safe and the people there would then just repopulate the land.
See, the simple and awesome logic behind this: Zombies don't regenerate, therefore any muscle damage from physical extortion wouldn't be healed like it is in alive humans. Therefore swimming would just rip them to pieces. So anyone in a submarine, on an island or just a normal boat with supplies, all fine if you're far enough out at sea.
10. The observer - October 11, 2009 2:10 PM
Does anyone even listen to the scientific community anymore? I'll see peace restored to this planet if i have to kill every one of these god damn bastards with my bare hands.
11. Ham Bone - October 11, 2009 2:14 PM
BRAINS!!!!!
12. Jrdn - October 11, 2009 2:15 PM
i would survive. i got my zombie survival guide and years of training. bring it on!
13. Zombieman - October 11, 2009 2:15 PM
on a biological scale.
Yeah zombies can't regenerate. First they are bleeding, if they can't prevent themselves from bleeding eventually their bodies will not function anymore as their 'dead' muscles will need blood flowing through them. I have never seen zombies be functioning without any blood in them.
A zombie who is dry of blood is would probably be more savage since his need to feed on human flesh in order to survive would be higher than a regular zombies. They should be able to run fast only when they are new zombies because their bodies are still fresh.
If zombies were to regenerate, wouldn't they revert back to humans or die like in some fantasy rpg games where you heal the zombie and it dies. After all the zombie movies the public has been shown, at least one generation knows how to handle zombies: kill em. They probably screwed up their calculations.
14. Aru-San - October 11, 2009 2:18 PM
@2 AMEN FACEBOOK TOLD ME I'D SURVIVE TOO1
15. bendizle - October 11, 2009 2:22 PM
@16 get a hold of yourself man!!! we need every man and women alive if we are to suppress the living dead. That way when we are running away we can trip them thus leaving them to die at the hands of the brain dogs...damn bastards.
anyways i've done my research and accurate statistics show that in the instance of a zombie attack i would survive, so eat that stupid canadians scientists....
16. bendizle - October 11, 2009 2:24 PM
oops i meant 10 sahry
17. juju - October 11, 2009 2:26 PM
If Bill Murray can do it so can I...
18. noidkiller - October 11, 2009 2:37 PM
@15 I too have done some research and I discovered that only Canadians would not survive!
19. Mike - October 11, 2009 2:37 PM
Pffffffffffffft. American "pluckyness" isn't quantifiable. The USA will be fine.
20. cubicleboy04 - October 11, 2009 2:49 PM
Get your bacon, get your pew pews, get ready!
21. hannah - October 11, 2009 2:53 PM
way to make canadians look bad. i would definitely survive a zombie apocalypse.
22. naas - October 11, 2009 3:00 PM
scientists are wrong, some of us already have survived
23. ciao - October 11, 2009 3:46 PM
blech, just dig a bunch o' deep holes, eventually those buggers will fall in. Later on just for fun stuck some carnivorous bugs in thar. :D
24. thisisonlyatest - October 11, 2009 3:49 PM
I have an idea... We'll create a few sentient robots and put them in sleep mode. We'll set them to wake up as soon as society breaks down (or whenever zombies take over). Then it won't matter if anyone survives the zombies because the robots will take care of the zombies (and due to primitive sensors will likely destroy humans as well as zombies).
Who's in? Alright... those of you who raised your hands, kindly remove yourself from the gene pool... (you don't have to kill yourself, but genital mutilation is highly recommended).
25. SausageFingers - October 11, 2009 3:55 PM
Never burn zombies, from what i know it would just spred the virus around more, so yha never burn them.
26. no respect - October 11, 2009 4:05 PM
You have to destroy the brain. Decapitation does not kill the infected. Basic Zombie facts.
27. Daisy - October 11, 2009 4:24 PM
FAKE!!!!
This is a complete photoashop job. You can tell its a fake because the shadow's are all wrong.
This is exactly like that scene in the movie Never Back Down where Max was being chased by zombies and ended up in a mall with marcellus wallace.
28. gizmoduck - October 11, 2009 5:29 PM
why would a zombie wear a jean vest?
and zombies...pssshhh.
werewolves is where its at
29. alex - October 11, 2009 6:11 PM
see, people. this is why we have to get a head of the curve
30. John - October 11, 2009 6:28 PM
The key is to be ruthless. None of that original Dawn of the Dead nursing a dude who is injured crap until the second he turns, take an ice cream scoop to his frontal lobe while he's still human and cut out the risk. If you're a burden, you get used as bait.
There is also a large question of cross species contamination. Sometimes you see zombie dogs or other animatls theorized, while in other situations nothing but humans are affected. In the case of the latter you could easily train like... bears and tigers and stuff to fight the zombies.
31. Boba - October 11, 2009 6:34 PM
im in canada right now.... trust me, they wont survive the apocalypse... now americans i have no doubt they would survive.
32. greenman - October 11, 2009 6:34 PM
I was just thinking about that over the weekend. I was at the state fair and all I could think about was it would only take one infected person and everyone there would be f**ked. Those who didn't get attacked would be trampled by the rampant crowd.
33. squeehunter - October 11, 2009 8:23 PM
Just wait a week for them to dehydrate (I imagine it takes them a little longer) and there you go.
34. Jaycob - October 11, 2009 9:24 PM
yeah the math was all bullshit what REALLY happened was a small outbreak of "mad cow disease" up here that was easily controlled with minimal collateral damage how ever we kept a few "samples" for future testing Canada has successfully prevented/saved the earth as we know it 3 times most of us who know this are too humble/noble to boast but I'm part American and i don't give a rat's ass also we have more nukes than any other country. We're the only people who manage too keep our secrets oh and we also have our own intelligence agency anyways stay on our good side and you'll live
YOUR CANADIAN, BUDDY, GUY
Jay
35. Jaycob - October 11, 2009 9:26 PM
@33, its not that simple i assure you
36. Ocelot - October 11, 2009 10:33 PM
It makes me happy to see so many people ready for this shit. I remember when I was in high school and got made fun of for having a zombie apocalypse contingency plan. Now everyone I know wants in on the plan. Some of us will survive the zombie apocalypse. Those of us that are prepared.
Ain't no way some asshole's eatin my damn brain.
Plus #17 said it best. If Bill Murray can survive, so can I.
37. Canada. - October 11, 2009 11:20 PM
Settle down.
38. USA - October 11, 2009 11:40 PM
@38 get back in the little box I've been keeping you in peasant.
39. naas - October 12, 2009 12:24 AM
@40 what part of prehistoric asia are you in that the english language is so abused?
40. naas - October 12, 2009 12:24 AM
....and are there zombies walking around?
41. cheap holidays in sharm el sheikh - October 12, 2009 12:44 AM
This is exactly like that scene in the movie Never Back Down where Max was being chased by zombies and ended up in a mall with marcellus wallace.
42. whalton - October 12, 2009 1:52 AM
Just get the bastards all into the nearest Wal Mart. Won't be able to tell the difference between most of the people in there anyway.
43. Zesty - October 12, 2009 2:34 AM
@5 Yeah, I thought there was something about this like last year.
There should be no sort of equation to solve this. It's simple. If there's running zombies then we're ffff'd cuz there are so many people running zombies would just infect others at a ridiculous exponential rate. That's why those kinds of zombies aren't even fun to debate about. We're straight donezo if that goes down. On the other hand, planning for the groaning hoard of zombie loafers is awesome. In that situation we have a chance.
Furthermore, zombies don't regenerate. Their blood doesn't flow. This would also prove that they can't bleed out because their blood is functionless. They'd just keep walking until their joints fell apart.
44. Ham Bone - October 12, 2009 8:15 AM
BRAINS!!!!!
45. Blastphemer - October 12, 2009 1:15 PM
When the z-pocalypse hits...
think I'll just go hang out with my buddies Mike and/or Joel, Crow, & Tom Servo on the Satellite of Love and catch a few flix and munch some popcorn.
MOVIE SIGN!!!!!!!!! Gotta go.
46. Ashley - October 12, 2009 2:32 PM
I think by 'regenerate' they mean that the zombie masses will always be growing. Whereas in a traditional war, you kill the enemy and they're dead. If zombies kill one of the humans, that human joins the horde and their army continues to grow.
I do enjoy zombie movies of all kinds but I think the most probable if we are talking about realism would be the slow, lumbering type. If zombies are undead, I doubt a stiff, dead body would be able to run. However, if we are talking about a rage virus or something of that matter like 28 Days Later and Zombieland, the 'zombies' aren't dead and could absolutely run. We'd definitely be screwed with running zombies.
47. netsukun - October 12, 2009 3:57 PM
These scientists obviously have not read the "Zombie Survival Guide". It explains everything about zombies and more people WILL survive because of it. Assuming it's readers take heed of it's contents.
48. Jon - October 12, 2009 11:45 PM
what about zombie misquitos?
49. Jon - October 13, 2009 12:04 AM
what about zombie misquitos?
50. Hayley - October 13, 2009 5:58 AM
Spending money and time on researching the hypothetical situation of whether Earth would survive Zombie attack is, I have to say, resources well placed. It's good to know that our aspiring scientists have cured cancer, AIDS and a whole host of other infectious diseases and thus have enough free time to do some projects "just for lawls". Next NASA will be firing a rocket at the moon just to see if there's water in it which will have NO APPARENT BENEFIT TO US.
Wait a second....
51. Jaded Icon - October 13, 2009 7:12 AM
The human race would have a better chance at survival with the popularity of zombie flicks. I mean, who DOESN'T know how to kill a zombie? If you don't know how then I suggest you pick up The Zombie Survival Guild by Max Brooks. It is an AWESOME read.
52. wanks - October 13, 2009 1:25 PM
give them a break....they are Canadian after all!
53. max2246 - October 14, 2009 4:05 PM
death by decapitation may or may not be true, if its caused by the strain of swine flu, however unlikely it is to happen, they can be killed by shooting the vital organs so they were just primal humans.
and also theirs the slow zombie-fast zombie debate. chances are that zombies are not gonna be slow moving hulks of meat and tissue. there will be once that run as fast as (or faster than) they did when they were human.
now that we've covered all that i must say this, READ THE ZOMBIE SUIRVIAL GUIDE!!!!!! trust me it makes sence.
54. romeo1669 - January 11, 2010 9:42 AM
All i can say is praise god and pass the ammunition......
55. matt - March 29, 2011 8:08 AM
they are right...they would never survive...Me on the other hand....pfffft survivor for sure. Geeky, never shot a gun in my life scientists would all be f'd....those of us with thousands of rounds or ammo, weapons lockers and the ability to fire them would WRECK HAVOCK on all zombie mother f'ers....that is all.
I have a WWII Russian Nagant that will take zombie heads off from a thousand yards out...BRING IT, YOU UNDEAD F'ERS!