Aug 7 2009The Most Romantic Love Letter Ever Written


Jessica, you'd be a fool not to marry this guy. I mean, Star Wars references aside, just look at that penmanship! I'll bet you he was at least a solid B student in writing class. And if you won't have him, I will.

Dear Letter Writer,

You know that thing you said about crawling inside Jessica like a tauntaun? I want you to do that to me. Bring your lightsaber.


The Geekologie Writer

Star Wars Love Letter [emailsfromcrazypeople]

Thanks to G, who prefers Star Trek themed love letters.

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Reader Comments


Sounds like the type of letter i'd wright

Third! =D

@ #3 Congratulations!

I once wrote a letter to an ex girlfriend like this. Kind of.

It was a letter to George Lucas, the purpose of the letter and metaphors were reversed.



i'd have dumped his punk ass too. he uses weird sized tablets and has zero respect for the left margin.

i wrote this letter to all your moms first then this poop noodle stole it and sent it to rebecca. im not mad tho cuz your moms all blew me like my wien was popsicle and it was a hot summer day. except for Gordon "F". S.'s mom she blew me like i was gordon's dad

and by rebecca i mean jessica.... rebecca is gordons mom's name that why i ot mixed up

side note: does anyone here know how to beat the water temple on ocarina of time?

@7, agreed
@9, I must have played through Ocarina of time at least four times in my life and I still get stuck on the water temple every time. Ever heard of a walkthrough?

This guys penmanship and his choice of metaphors can only mean one thing....NEEDLE-DICK!

GW I love you, but c'mon. This was "internet" cool years ago.


I'm going to go off the assumption you misspelled "write" on purpose for the sake of not thinking you're a complete moron. Though now that I give it some thought, it doesn't matter much either way. I still think you're a moron.

@9 the water temple is easy... take a sharp object and rub it continously on your wrist. That's how you beat it.... ; )

Sorry Gordan I know it's a troll, but I had to...

@13 you fed the troll HAHAHAHAHAHA your an idiot now im just gunna keep posting hahahaahaha.... ha.. ha.... timbo you talk a good game but can you put your wiener where my mouth is? if timbo was a porn star i bet he would need a stunt double for the money shot scenes because he has little tiny embarrassing loads.

I call fake (before Daisy does, woot!) it's not Luke that crawled in the Tauntaun, it's Han... I'm not even a star wars fan and i know that, so I don't think a real fan like this guy is supposed to be would miss that...

I bet Jessica is a chubba.

Good Friday morning everyone.

@7 no respect for the left margin indeed, although he has better spelling & grammar than a lot of people who comment here so +1 for star wars


You're still here?

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say in the Army, I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions printed on the heel.

You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a trial lawyer than be seen with you. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you.

You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell? Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly. You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood.

May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you.

You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile, one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling, meatslapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool.

You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid, so stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me.

After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh. The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything.

Your attempt at constructing a creative post was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, and generally Not Good.

Begone and never pollute our ether with your presence again!

I must say, this guy seems like a keeper...

Witty, star wars...slight desperation....

GW is quite the lover

@15, are you kidding me? It was totally luke that was inside the tauntaun you tard.

@18, You should try submitting to essay contests. I think you'd fair well.

@18, i think you have the record for the longuest comment on GEEKOLOGIE. Congrats...i know you like how I put GEEKOLOGIE all in caps...i know you do....because its MAGICAL...look i did it again.


It also applies to you.

Wait, did Luke crawl inside or did Han stuff him inside???

I haven't seen it in a couple years...

Yes, Jessica, I too want to slice you open with my light saber and immerse myself in your smelly guts. It sounds like fun!


I applaud you. That is easily one of the best responses to a troll i have ever seen.

it's fake. not because it's photoshop. but mainly because any SW geek worth his salt would know that Luke was unconscious & that IT WAS HANS that sliced the Tauntaun & placed Luke inside it. pft. & you call this geekologie.

@24 Han stuffed Luke inside. Hence the line "and I thought they smelled bad on the outside" by Han.

and yes, no respect for the left margin, but I think that is because its because he uses this odd paper size.

is because its because ??? wow. nice Friday morning.

Also, I'm looking for that dino bacon. GW, you gotta help a guy out here.

And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!


@ 18




I like the way you think. Lets clone and kill dinosaurs for meat. It's the only thing they're good for.


Oh I almost forgot....GREEDO SHOT FIRST =D

A letter is not a gadget....


I bow before the best reply to a troll EVER !

@ 18/ gordon, yo mama's got some big old titties! i liked suckin em. you wrote alot of stuff about me, good work man you have officially had the best/ nerdiest reaction to my postings yet. you must think your so cool. like really really cool for writing all that, i didnt bother to read it but i assume it was very nice and that you asked me out, well my answer is yes so name a time and place?


You obviously don't know my mother. She's a carpenter's dream named Toni.

I am cool. A lot cooler than you. Which doesn't take a lot of effort. What are you? 12? 13? Did you just get your first puter? You're a troll. A useless little dicked troll. Nobody likes you. Why do you get up in the morning? Why don't you just end the pain now? Shoot yourself.

I'll wait here for your juvenile response. Come on, fücktard, shock me with your wit.

I've read the entire thing and it's hilarious!

I feel so loved.

Gw! Omg! I can't believe you'd fall for a GUY simply because of a few star wars lines.
I'm so heart broken </3


What was the point of that??? lol


Just trying to mend your broken heart.

ooh aww thank you :)
but um whats a mustache ride?

You make my head hurt. Let's just say it involves a cunning linguist.

I make your head hurt??? I don't think thats a good thing..

Gordon F*cking Shumway: ewe are a god! I was foolishly proud of my "retard" monologue and I now see what a hack I truly am.
"frothy pink shame"
"bleating foal"
"tiny-fisted tantrums"

But seriously, sorry Bra, it's Pats all the way this year. And if I'm wrong, I hope you will quote this post in your face rubbing.

Hell, after that literary skill I'd do him....

so yeah... just found out what that is.. and yeah its gonna be a no, or at least not from that guy, maybe with Gw! :D

I wanna crawl inside of you GW

#18 has a confession to make:

ctrl F: Freeper ultimate flame letter;

lawl and here:

click my name!

copy and paste into ur browser to see what u are (if you cant read it then stop it with cheat engines speed hack)

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.getElementsByTagName("img"); DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=(Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5)+"px";*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5)+"px"}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);


I am convinced that you are the very reason the internet was created.
Bravo, Messiah; we've been waiting for you.


I take it back.

You are a phony, an artificial pseudo intellectual cyber klepto. You are the Jim Jones, David Koresh, & Marshall Applewhite mutation of forgery gone awry. You spurious fraud. You are no better than the troll you came here to taunt with your imposturous sham. You have revealed yourself to be the Sarlacc Pit of this domain, awaiting your prey. You have forgotten that Google sees all.

With every pat on the ass of encouragement from the comments left as a result of your cut-and-paste charade - including my own - you have proven that you are a cancer, most likely festering with each commendation. I'm sure you get off on the short-lived sycophancy you have created.

Kudos to #52 & #53 for brandishing the truth. Run along now, #18; I hear Tom Cruise is looking for a playmate.

The line about crawling up inside her like a Tuantuan was used in the Comedy Roast fo Flavor Flav regarding Lisa Lampanelli's vagina.

or maybe it was Brigitte Nielsen's...



I don't know why, but that is ALWAYS funny.

Must See!!


I'm not a huge Star Wars nerd so I don't really understand it that well. But, if a guy wrote this to me, I wud so get back with him (unless he's a stalker or something)

awww thats sooo sweet! i wish my bf would do somethin like that! post hes love for me on the web! how romantc!!!! im only 14 gona be 15 in dec! and if your girl cant see that you truley love her, SHES CRAAZZYY!!!

okaaaay nevermiind! that guy is a KREEEPPERRR!!! i didnt read the second thingy! so yeeh i change my mindd!! lol

i be lovin Johnny Jake Glover!! (:

i would totally love this guy, yall are crazy. :] <3

May i ask why it matters so very much to insult these Trolls? What is the significance?

Dear letter writer, marry me and not Jessica. Obviously does not appreciate your awesome love.

Lol ! :D love this . Hilarious. <3

This is such a sweet letter. Humorous and SERIOUS all at once. Star wars fan, He loves with a deep passion and willing to admit he can't give up. Really, rare qualities to find in a person! Enjoyed this letter thanks for sharing!

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