Nov 20 2009 NSFW NSFW: WTF DID I JUST WATCH?! SERIOUSLY, W.T.F. DID I JUST WATCH?!

WARNING: NSFW VIDEO IS NSFW

This is the highly, highly, HIGHLY NSFW music video for the Flair's 'Truckers Delight'. I can't even begin to describe to you how dirty I felt after watching it. Unless you've ever swam in pig shit and then showered in vomit afterward. In which case, Jesus, join another pool.

Youtube

Thanks Smee and Kaerus, I'll split my therapist's bills between the two of you.

Nov 19 2009 Modern Warfare 2 Crybaby's Music Video

NOTE: Video slightly NSFW due to adult language from a blimey 14-year old.

You ever wonder what else is going on in the world of a kid who will cry and punch the wall about a video game not living up to his expectations? Apparently a budding music career. And by budding I mean rotting. On the vine. You will never sell those tomatoes! Still, I did find myself kind of bobbing my head from 1:15 - 1:30 (the best part, plus I'm so high I feel like I'm typing with claws). But don't say his name -- he'll knock you out! Probably with rotten-tooth breath. BRING IT NANCY!

GuitarJono1170's Youtube Channel (with a ton of other crappy videos)

Thanks to Matt, who knifed this kid in Modern Warfare 2 and had him crying for days.

Nov 18 2009 This Wasn't In The Job Description: Microsoft Store Employees Required To Dance

This is a video of the workers in a Microsoft store dancing around and clapping like the bunch of out-of-shape retail employees they are. That said, I would've passed out halfway through the song BUT ONLY CAUSE I'D BEEN DRINKING.

The Blackeyed Peas compel the employees at the Microsoft Store in Mission Viejo, California to break out in dance, let their hair down and have some fun. This is an amazing store, the employees seem really excited and engaged, almost happy to be at work. My favorite parts are when people walking in the mall come inside the store, join in the dancing and have some fun. The amazing thing is that people are in the store for hours, they love interacting with the software and learning about new technology.

Wow, like THAT doesn't sound like the biggest bunch of promotional bullshit I've ever read. People spending hours in a retail store, really? THEY'RE CALLED HOMELESS. The last time I ever spent hours in a retail establishment my mom forgot me at Sears while I was playing in the middle of a clothes rack and they closed the store for the night. And that, my friends, is why I can't sleep without a circular saw.

Youtube

Thanks to Patrick, Mark, babysteps and Mixtech, who, dance! *pew pew* I SAID DANCE!

Nov 16 2009 WTF WAS THAT?: Boy Loses His Cool, Cries And Punches Wall Over Modern Warfare 2

NOTE: NSFW DUE TO LANGUAGE. WATCH IT WITH HEADPHONES ON OR THE VOLUME LOW.

There's rock bottom, and then they're webcam-ing yourself crying and punching the wall over your disappointment about Modern Warfare 2. Jesus, kid, fix yourself a spot of tea and calm the f*** down. Oh, and for the love of God: lose the milk mustache.

Youtube

Thanks to kweks, who had a meltdown about the new Super Mario Bros. for Wii but was smart enough not to tape it.

Oct 16 2009 Highly Questionable Japanese Sniper Prank

Is there anything funnier than tricking a Japanese man into a meeting and then faking the death of everybody else in the room by sniper fire? No. Unlessssss the alleged gunman then bursts in and puts his weapon to the man's head and pulls the trigger. Seriously, you're sick, Japan (keep the freaky Hentai coming).

Youtube

Thanks to Closet Nerd and Harry, whose parents don't allow them to watch Japanese TV for fear of them becoming morally corrupt.

Oct 14 2009 WTF Was That?: Amazing Paper-Flipping Animation Video Thingy Is Slightly NSFW

NOTE: Video is arguably NSFW due to cartoon violence and what may or may not be a penis (it's a penis. It's 100% a penis) from 0:30 to 0:35.

I have absolutely no idea what I just saw even though I watched it five times in a row. I really loved the style, but the subject matter gave me siesta-mares this afternoon. I know I promised I wouldn't nap on the job anymore, but a siesta's different. It's cultural.

Crazy Headsploding Animation Defies Any Classification [gizmodo]

Oct 12 2009 Kill It With Fire!: A Robotic Talking Piano

This is a piano, which, through the use of the black magic and robotics, is able to speak in one of the scariest voices I've ever heard. Well, besides the one that comes attached to the figure that sneaks into my room at night and tells me to write dirty things on the internet. I think it's my uncle!

Youtube

Thanks to J.D., Rodger and Alexandra, who are already planning to push this thing out a window.

Sep 9 2009 Highly Questionable Popular Science Ad

This is a highly questionable 30-second commercial for a new show on the Science Channel called 'Future Of...'. Basically the show explores in which ways robots are gonna bend us over and have their cold, metallic way with humanity. Now I don't want to ruin the ad for you, so go ahead and watch it.

Did you see that? THE DUDE BROUGHT FLOWERS TO A ROBOT WOMAN! WTF IS UP WITH THAT?! I don't care how far in the future, I could never love another robot. You broke my heart Teddy Ruxpin!

Youtube

Thanks to Alaina, who's smart enough to know the future i snow. Yes, the future i snow. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT'S THE TRUTH!

Sep 1 2009 Possessed: The Boy Who Cries Wolf Blood

15-year old Calvino Inman is just like any other 15 year old boy. Except he's possessed by the devil and cries tears of blood. BURN HIM WITH FIRE! Now I'm not saying this a hoax, but I am saying I caught Calvino siphoning red food coloring up his ass (strictly by accident, I swear). DUM DUM DUM! Book 'em, Danno.

Youtube

Thanks to leftRIGHTleft, who has to remind herself how to walk or she gets all tripped up.

Aug 31 2009 I've Seen It All Now: A 2:30 News Report About A Broom That Stands On Its Own

This is a two and a half minute news report from Alabama about a woman who thinks there's "a little holy spirit" in her new consignment shop because she can stand a broom up unsupported in three separate locations. I watched the whole thing but I highly recommend you not unless you really hate yourself or are into masochism (I am). Which reminds me -- did I ever tell you about the time I had a woman stomp around on my chest with golf cleats on and then hit balls off my nipples? Of course not, cause it's none of your business. Fore!

Hit the jump for an equally horrible (but MUST SEE) news report about a bear in some woman's backyard, complete with cardboard cutout reenactment.

Continue Reading " I've Seen It All Now: A 2:30 News Report About A Broom That Stands On Its Own "

Aug 27 2009 Cry Baby: Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat (R.I.P.)

NOTE: Video possibly NSFW due to cussing (GD) a couple times.

This post originally started as a tribute to Keyboard Cat, who I just found out passed away earlier this year (around May). But then I saw the play him off video featured above of a kid crying about a hockey game and filming it for his Youtube channel when his dad walks in and yells at him for being such an idiot moron. It is amazing. Not that I'd know anything about filming myself crying because sex tapes don't count, right? There was something in my eye!

Hit the jump for another classic play him off from Walker, Texas Ranger (it's even more f'ed up).

Continue Reading " Cry Baby: Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat (R.I.P.) "

Aug 25 2009 Wrong, Just Plain Wrong: Two Robots Kissing

Listen, as long as you're human I firmly believe you should be able to kiss and have relations and relationships with whoever you want (provided they feel the same about you). I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow, blue, red, white, clear, striped, dotted, Canadian, from Australia, have food allergies, are bi, straight, gay or super gay, I say go for it. Robots, not so much. Robots should all burn in a fire.

Video: The first (televised) kiss between robots [engadget]

Thanks to Xavier, Mr. Robbot, Peterman, Joe Mamma, 3d, Kenneth and Captain Awesome, who swear they've never tried kissing themselves in the mirror and are all terrible liars.

Aug 17 2009 Fail: How Not To Use An Automatic Door

This is a video of an alleged Pakistani engineering student failing to use an automatic door correctly (read: with his face). You just have to see it to believe it. God only knows how he treats escalators.

Engineering Student Takes On Electrical Door, Loses [gizmodo]

Aug 13 2009 Quality Advertising: Some Guy Catching Laptops With His Butt (I Could Do That)

This is some wack-ass ad by MSI that shows off how good their laptops are at fitting between your butt cheeks in case you ever need to sneak a computer into prison. Impressive, but not THAT impressive. I saw The Superficial Writer and IWatchstuff doing the same thing this morning WITH THEIR DESKTOPS. Printers and everything!

Youtube

Thanks to jhidekim, Lindsey and Chris, who can all catch laptops with just the gooch.

Aug 4 2009 Mario And Peach, Together (Sexually) At Last

NOTE: VIDEO IS NSFW DUE TO LEWD SEXY TALK AND LOTS OF MOANING.

This is a video of Mario and Princess Peach finally consummating their relationship. I almost cried it was so romantic. But I didn't, because I'm a big boy and I wear big boy pants (I sobbed like a baby). Also, fair warning: there's a whole lot of Peach moaning in the video which is kind of weird if there are other people around. Hell, I felt awkward and I'm the only one here. Except for the dog, who I'm pretty sure thought I was watching porno. I said stop staring at me -- it's a cartoon!

Mario and Princess Sex Tape [collegehumor]

Thanks to Julian, who dated Princess Peach in high school but broke up with her because she wouldn't do his algebra homework. Pfft, what are girlfriends for?

Jul 30 2009 Cocoa & The Sandersens: Strike 3, Yer Out!

NOTE: VIDEO BEST WATCHED WITH CANDY AND ICE CREAM BUT NOT POP-TARTS.

I honestly didn't know what a strike out was until I watched this, and I think it's pretty safe to say I've been living my life in vain. This video is so jam packed with important life lessons that I'm thinking about writing a book about it. It's gonna be called, 'Striking Out: How Not To Give A Dang'. Yeah, and it's gonna be a bestseller in both self help AND cookbooks because I'm going to include a couple of my favorite stoned recipes like 'Skittles' and 'Ice Cream Right Out Of The Box'. So, Cocoa, what do you say -- me, you, a palace made of candy? BECAUSE I CAN MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

cocoa likes this

Jul 28 2009 Seriously Bro, You Stink: Doc Bottoms Aspray

Doc Bottoms Aspray is an all over body deodorant that allegedly cuts your funk by neutralizing bacteria. Who knows, maybe it works. One thing's for certain though: this commercial doesn't.

Aspray goes where other deodorants can't. Aspray you butt. Aspray your feet. Aspray under your arms -- you can even Aspray your privates

Really? Was that really necessary? WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEY CAN ASPRAY THEIR PRIVATES?!? I'm an Old Spice guy though. Just sayin', IT BUUUUURNS!

Youtube

Thanks to Harry, Jennifer and Spider, who all stink. Especially Jennifer.

Jul 23 2009 Good Times: Librarian Book Cart Competition

This is a video of the winners from the American Library Association's Book Cart Drill Team World Championship. I'm not even kidding. I AM ADULTING.

The secret lives of librarians took center stage at the American Library Association's annual conference earlier this month. There was dancing, there were costumes, there was music, and, of course, there were book carts.

Teams bring acrobatic splits, book cart headlights, and dry ice effects to the floor in the quest to win first place and the coveted gold book cart trophy that comes with it. "It changes the whole image of librarians," added Ison.

Needless to say, this is some of the sexiest footage I've seen IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. And I used to judge the Geriatric Olympics, so I know my stuff.

Hit the jump for the second and third place winners.

Continue Reading " Good Times: Librarian Book Cart Competition "

Jul 23 2009 Kill Me Now: Star Wars Dance Contest Uncut

This is an uncut video of the Star Wars Weekends dance contest that we saw part of yesterday. Except, instead of 47 seconds, this one is 12 minutes. Personally, I could only make it to 1:50, when the woman says "Give it up for Chewbacca, the original gangstaaa!". Although, admittedly, I did skip around after to see if Leia makes an appearance in a golden bikini (she doesn't). So yeah, I dare you to try to watch the whole thing without putting your face through your monitor...
...
...
You broke your nose, didn't you?

Youtube

Thanks to Vince, who knows how to cut a rug. With scissors, silly!

Jul 22 2009 TASER TASER TASER!: New Taser Shoots Three Probes For Zapping Multiple Perps

The TASER X3 is just that, a taser that shoots three separate probes for shocking several victims at once. Or, fire them all into one perp and watch that sucker light up like a Christmas tree!

The new weapon will be officially unveiled on July 27th, but in anticipation of that glorious day, TASER has kindly posted an employee demonstration video of shooting three entirely underpaid women in the back, to the applause of onlookers.

Yes, women. And yes, the guy yells TASER TASER TASER before blasting them all. Which, apparently, is the cool thing to do. Now I'm not saying I could have taken all three shots and still been standing, but I totally could have. Hell, I could have probably taken five. No, ten. Twenty! GIMME THE CHAIR!

Triple-shot TASER X3 imminent, deranged employees celebrate with mock executions [engadget]

Thanks to Julian and michelle, who could take like fifteen shots and still punch you in the face.