Nov 12 2009 Science-y!: Thermal Imaging Of A Toot

This is what a toot likes like under thermal imaging. Looks kind of like a ghost, don't you think? The ghost of dinners past! Get it?! Me neither. Also, I totally just made you stare at a man's ass. Women don't do that! Right? Women don't do that....right?

Picture

Thanks to Kelly, who thought it looked like musical notes.

Oct 28 2009 'Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken' Now To Be Known as 'WTF Ken'. Seriously, WTF KEN?

Yes, Barbie Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken is really happening. If you're interested, the dapper doucheberry will be available in April 2010 for $82. If you're not interested, congratulations: we can still be friends.

Cool sophistication in breezy Palm Beach! Sporting a dashing jacquard-patterned jacket with a light pink polo shirt and crisp white pants, Ken doll is ready for Palm Beach social season, sunning by the pool and a stroll with his little companion. Fashion designed exclusively for the Silkstone Barbie doll body. Includes Ken doll, jacket, pink polo shirt, white shoes, dog with leash, swim trunks and accessories, doll stand and certificate of authenticity. For the adult collector.

Oh, it's for the ADULT collector, what a relief. Because adult collectors aren't creepy as hell. Trust me, I knew one. I heard voices coming from the basement!

Product Site
via
Mattel Has Lost Their Minds [toplessrobot]

Thanks to Blastphemer, who is an adult doll collector, which is only moderately less creepy.

Oct 22 2009 DO NOT WANT (To Pet): Chinese 'Cat Girl'

Normally I love making fun of other people's misfortune, but it's sad when it's a six year old girl. Hopefully this is fake though cause it's coming from The Sun. Although, this IS China we're talking about here, which is notorious for freaky cat shit.

Li Xiaoyuan, from Fengkai in southern China, had a small birthmark on her back just months ago, which has since grown to cover her entire back and parts of her arms and face, The Sun reports.

"None of the other children want to play with her, they are calling her cat-girl and are really mean."

A surgeon at Zhaoqing City Dermalogical l Hospital in China's Guangdong province said Li Xiaoyuan may have a rare skin disease that makes normal moles run amok.

I swear, I can't stand it when moles run amok. You know what you need to do? Pour gasoline down all their holes then light that shit. BOOM! Woops -- must have found the gas line. Remember folks: call before you dig.

Chinese 'cat-girl' baffles doctors [ninemsn]

Thanks to Sam, Turtle Boy.

Oct 12 2009 WTF Is That?!?: A Frozen Blood Head

Let's cut right to the questionable chase: this is a sculpture (or mold) of artist Marc Quinn's head made from 4.5 liters of his own frozen blood. Really gets you in that Halloween spirit, doesn't it? No, not so much.

The blood is taken from this own body over a period of five months. The work is then repeated every five years to establish a unique record of the artist aging.

Now I'm not here to judge art, but that seems pretty sick. Plus, what if the power goes out on your freezer while you're away on vacation? How do you explain the 4.5 liter bloodstain in your garage? You hunt deer. That was a freebie -- next time, you owe me.

Creepy And Disgusting "Self" Art By Equally Creepy Artist Marc Quinn [youbentmywookie]

Thanks to eric, who once made a head out of frozen orange juice concentrate. It was delicious.

Oct 10 2009 They're Good For Something: Dead Fly Art

Dead fly art: it just makes sense. Now I don't really want to go into the kind of person it takes to collect dead flies and glue them to a piece of paper to make "art", but suffice it to say they're our kinda person. Plus, I really dig the final results. Well, except for the moth in the last piece -- didn't see that one coming!

Hit the jump for a whole bunch more.

Continue Reading " They're Good For Something: Dead Fly Art "

Sep 15 2009 Snake With Foot Found, Killed In China

I am seriously reconsidering my decision to procreate in China. What with all the winged cats and footed snakes, I don't want my children to grow up with three legs like their father, you know? My beneficial defects aside, I must admit: as an amateur herpetologist, I'm a little skeptical about a footed snake. It seems almost like it swallowed a lizard and then that bastard was all like, "oh hell naw!" and kicked through the snake's bitchass stomach.

Dean Qiongxiu, 66, said she discovered the reptile clinging to the wall of her bedroom with its talons in the middle of the night.

"I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw," said Mrs Duan of Suining, southwest China.

Mrs Duan said she was so scared she grabbed a shoe and beat the snake to death before preserving its body in a bottle of alcohol.

I call shenanigans. Everybody knows snakes lost their right to feet after that one in Eden kept trying to touch Eve's boobs. Yes, I've read the Bible. He ended up stealing her nipples. And that, my flock, is where dried apricots come from. Amen.

Snake with foot found in China [telegraph]

Thanks to carmen, Matty and Chuck Nunchuck, who all have snaked feet. And this little piggy went to GAAAAAAAHH!!

Sep 11 2009 Noooo!: Prego-Bot Gives Birth To Robo-Son

In one of the most f'ed up things I've seen in recent history, the University of Arizona Medical Center has a robotic woman that gives birth to a robotic son so that medical students can witness the horrors of robotic birth firsthand.

Named Noelle, she grunts, screams, yells at the doctors, pees, bleeds -- and yes, even gives birth (to a cute little robot baby named Hal).

Paid for with a $40,000 grant from Miami-based Guarnard Scientific, the university bought Noell, baby Hal, and another, smaller robot-baby in January. Then Noelle was taken out of commission for a while when medical students (yelp!) broke her pelvic bone.

an average of 20 medical students a week diagnose all sorts of birth complications like cesareans and breach births. Noelle can even hemorrhage, all while screaming in pain and yelling things like "don't touch me" at the medical students.

Great, at this rate she's gonna have like 1,000 babies a year. WHO KEEPS KNOCKING THIS ROBOTIC BITCH UP? I'm looking at you, shifty night patrolman! DUM DUM DUM!

University of Arizona Medical Students Help Robot Give Birth to Baby Robot [phoenixnewtimes]

Thanks to Demon Spawn, who get it pregnant with like thirty little devil babies.

Sep 11 2009 You Look Different: Is That You, R2?

This is definitely NOT the droid I'm looking for. Kidding -- come here you lovable little trashcan, you! Now hump my leg.

I've Got A Bad Feeling About This [pictureisunrelated]

Thanks to everyone who sent this in, next round at the cantina's on me. Psyche! I WILL SHOOT FIRST.

Sep 8 2009 Robotic Bear Will Kill You In The Hospital

This is a promotional video for RIKEN's RIBA, a robotic pedo-bear that was designed to pick hospital patients up out of their beds and discreetly crush their genitals. Yeah, no thanks. Oh, and don't let the Whinny the Pooh music in the video fool you, this robo-bear would maul your whole damn face off and wear it like a mask for a single pot of oil. Don't believe me? Ask Piglet.

Couldn't find him, could you? Draw your own conclusions.*

*Tigger and I roasted that delicious son of a bitch.

Youtube

Thanks to ANON, who once got Pooh so high he ate like forty jars of honey and then tried to rob a hive at gunpoint.

Aug 31 2009 Setting A Good Example: Pole Dancing Doll

These pole dancing dolls are real products despite everything you know about life telling you they shouldn't be. I'll tell you one thing: no daughter of mine is playing with a damn stripper doll. I'm looking right at you, Barbie. Hussy! Product features:

• style
• interesting
• music
• flash
• up and down
• go round and round

Wow. That's, uh, really something. Really something wrong with the world. I mean, how the hell does something like this get approved for manufacture and sale? Japan. Right, I keep forgetting.

Pole Dancer Doll Doesn't Really Set the Perfect Role Model [gizmodo]

Thanks to Octopus Pie, far tastier than Squid Cake.

Aug 27 2009 Is This Nessie Spotted On Google Earth?

I'm not even sure what I'm looking at. It looks like a snake chasing a giant squid. But according to some security guard who was busy surfing Google Earth instead of patrolling his beat, it's the Loch Ness Monster (love you, Nessie).

Jason Cooke told The Sun he spotted "Nessie" while browsing the website's satellite photos. Mr Cooke, 25, of Nottingham, said: "I couldn't believe it. It's just like the descriptions of Nessie."

The image can be seen by entering coordinates Latitude 57°12'52.13"N, Longitude 4°34'14.16"W in Google Earth (or playing with the map above).

Earlier this year it was reported that climate change may have killed the Loch Ness Monster. There have been "no "credible sightings" of Nessie for over a year.

Veteran American monster hunter Bob Rines thinks environmental conditions in the Highland loch have changed and can no longer sustain the elusive reptile.

Gary Campbell, of the monster's official fan club, said: "I'm concerned. There have been none of the normal sightings that verify that Nessie and her family are still alive and well."

Haha, these people actually think the Loch Ness Monster is real. That's great (bless their special little hearts). You know, these are the same people that keep asking for government grants to go hunt for Bigfoot. Which, SPOILER ALERT: bitch was delish!

Is the Loch Ness monster on Google Earth? [telegraph]

Thanks to Asbo and Praveen, who only hunt for dragons because dragons are real and sit on mountains of treasure.

Aug 27 2009 Stripteas Teabags Aren't What You Think

Unless you thought they were teabags that cling to the side of your teacup via paper stripper, in which case, congratulations, you were correct. Unfortunately, unlike those novelty pens that showcase a naked women when you turn them upside down, you don't get to see any privates. Which is actually fine with me CAUSE I DON'T WANT NO MAN'S JUNK IN MY TEA ANYWAYS. Except you, Earl Grey.

Super sexy tea bags [newlaunches]

Thanks to Tim and sergei, who never miss tea time because they like to put on their big hats and be dainty.

Aug 11 2009 Questionable: The Personal Rockin' Computer

The PRC chair allegedly stands for Personal Rockin' Computer. But how on earth you would ever use a computer in that thing is beyond me. I mean, I couldn't even comfortably fry my nuts with a laptop in it. Plus, it costs a staggering $4,200. Can you say, "tractor tire"? Because I can. No, I'm fairly confident this thing is a glorified sex swing for the rich. Seriously, just look at that provocative tart in the picture. She definitely only knows one kind of hard drive and RAM if you ask me. Gosh what a hussy (let me get those digits, girl).

The PRC is your Personal Rockin' Chair [dvice]

Aug 10 2009 Sure, Why Not?: Fireplace In A Tool Chest

The 'Mall Fire' by Ataria is a $5,400 tool chest (sans tools) that turns into a romantic ethanol fireplace whenever opened. Well, as romantic as a fireplace in a tool chest can be anyways. Which is very. And also why I just had one mounted in the bed of my truck. What do you say I spread a tarp back there and we make ourselves a little pool? Me, you, a box of wine and a pool with a fireplace. I'm sorry, am I being too romantic? Because I can't help myself. Bathing suits optional. For you. Me? I'm a nevernude.

There's Nothing Dangerous About a Fireplace in a Chest [gizmodo]

Thanks to Julian, who knows a romantic evening when he hears one (nuclear hot wings and a titty bar).

Aug 7 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Dell Shipping Options

I don't even want to know how much this shipping option is, but one thing is certain: it's not worth it. Not only is the box being crushed, but it's upside down! Dude, you're getting a Dell broken computer.

Thanks to Todd, who, for actually taking the picture, receives today's unsafe driver award. Congratulations!

Aug 3 2009 Candle Melter Makes New Candles From Old

The Candle Quick is a glorified stove pot that melts pre-burnt candles to make new ones. Melt multiple candles together for unique smell combinations! Including, and virtually limited to: complete stinking ass! The Candle Quick costs $25 and, despite what the picture would have you believe, is best used WHILE PAYING ATTENTION. I can already hear the fire trucks from here.

Recycling candles is what this economy has brought us to [dvice]

Jul 24 2009 Handerpants: Underpants For Your Hands

Handerpants are a real product and apparently people are willing to pay $12 for them. Amazing -- even in a recession some people can't get their fill of novelty underwear. Or booze. I'm gonna stick with booze. I CAN HAZ GLUG?

Are you really naked under those gloves? For Pete's sake, put on some Handerpants! These 95% cotton, 5% spandex, fingerless gloves have the look and feel of men's briefs. Slip them on underneath your gloves for extra warmth and protection from chafing! Wear them on their own as a vaguely inappropriate fashion statement! Hundreds of uses! Fits most adult hands.

Yeah, well what if I have child-sized hands? Should I stuff a sock in these too? NOT THAT I'VE EVER DONE THAT (I use an old sweatshirt).

Hit the jump for a fairly painful infomercial for the things.

Continue Reading " Handerpants: Underpants For Your Hands "

Jul 17 2009 WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic

A 12-mile long trail of unknown biological goo has been spotted off the coast of Alaska. Personally, it looks like robot love-oil to me (don't ask how I know). *ahem* I'm looking at you, Optimus.

"It's certainly biological," Hasenauer said. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.

"It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism."

"It's pitch black when it hits ice and it kind of discolors the ice and hangs off of it," Brower said. He saw some jellyfish tangled up in the stuff, and someone turned in what was left of a dead goose -- just bones and feathers -- to the borough's wildlife department.

ZOMG, it's the North Carolina sewer mutant's illegitimate older cousin! Now I'm not saying I want to deep fry some and include it in my Octo-taco-pancrepe-pizza, because I don't. But I would smear some all over your body and lick it off. God, am I romantic or what?

Hit the jump for a picture of a bucketful of the gunk.

Continue Reading " WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic "

Jun 25 2009 No Thanks: World's Largest Alarm Clock

The world's largest alarm clock is actually the sun, but I'll look past that for the sake of this scary bitch, who's convinced he's made the largest. Now I don't want to ruin the video for you, but there is absolutely no way he originally designed that as an alarm.

The World's Biggest Alarm Clock [geekygadgets]

Thanks to MaverickPS, who wakes up the way God intended: with a dog licking his face.

Jun 19 2009 Great: Another Rat-Brain Controlled Robot

Well, we've already featured one rat-brain controlled robot, so why not another? This particular model is controlled via Bluetooth by the neurons from a rat's brain THAT'S KEPT IN A JAR. The video goes on to explain that different rat brains have unique personalities and all control the robot differently. That's right -- CYBORG RODENTS WITH PERSONALITIES! Welcome to hell, world. Oooh, nice basket -- is it Longaberger?

First Real Cyborg: A Robot Controlled By A Living Brain [videosift]

Thanks to Jen, Matthew, Anton and Ace the Inhaler, who can control rat brains with their brains. Guys -- let's rob a bank!