Nov 20 2009 NSFW NSFW: WTF DID I JUST WATCH?! SERIOUSLY, W.T.F. DID I JUST WATCH?!

WARNING: NSFW VIDEO IS NSFW

This is the highly, highly, HIGHLY NSFW music video for the Flair's 'Truckers Delight'. I can't even begin to describe to you how dirty I felt after watching it. Unless you've ever swam in pig shit and then showered in vomit afterward. In which case, Jesus, join another pool.

Youtube

Thanks Smee and Kaerus, I'll split my therapist's bills between the two of you.

Nov 19 2009 Modern Warfare 2 Crybaby's Music Video

NOTE: Video slightly NSFW due to adult language from a blimey 14-year old.

You ever wonder what else is going on in the world of a kid who will cry and punch the wall about a video game not living up to his expectations? Apparently a budding music career. And by budding I mean rotting. On the vine. You will never sell those tomatoes! Still, I did find myself kind of bobbing my head from 1:15 - 1:30 (the best part, plus I'm so high I feel like I'm typing with claws). But don't say his name -- he'll knock you out! Probably with rotten-tooth breath. BRING IT NANCY!

GuitarJono1170's Youtube Channel (with a ton of other crappy videos)

Thanks to Matt, who knifed this kid in Modern Warfare 2 and had him crying for days.

Nov 19 2009 Air Blower iPhone App Really Blows Air (See What I Did There? There's More To Come!)

Looking for the latest and least greatest in iPhone apps? Check out the $1 "Blower" app. It sucks blows sucks and blows is f***ing stupid.

Thanks to the new "Blower" app, iPhone owners will now be able to blow out candles with their handset. Just "switch on your app, turn the iPhone volume to the max and feel the air flowing from the speaker opening."

Unlock the new mind-blowing secret feature on your iPhone. Turn your iPhone into a real Air Blower!

Mind-blowing secret feature my ass. An x-ray camera, now THAT'S a mind-blowing secret feature. Or the ability to make calls to the dead. Phone developers, are you getting all this? Because I'm not buying another phone until I can talk to George Washington and take pictures of Martha's underwear. Just saying.

Hit the jump for a video of the app blowing out candles. WHEE, what a birthday!

Continue Reading " Air Blower iPhone App Really Blows Air (See What I Did There? There's More To Come!) "

Nov 18 2009 This Wasn't In The Job Description: Microsoft Store Employees Required To Dance

This is a video of the workers in a Microsoft store dancing around and clapping like the bunch of out-of-shape retail employees they are. That said, I would've passed out halfway through the song BUT ONLY CAUSE I'D BEEN DRINKING.

The Blackeyed Peas compel the employees at the Microsoft Store in Mission Viejo, California to break out in dance, let their hair down and have some fun. This is an amazing store, the employees seem really excited and engaged, almost happy to be at work. My favorite parts are when people walking in the mall come inside the store, join in the dancing and have some fun. The amazing thing is that people are in the store for hours, they love interacting with the software and learning about new technology.

Wow, like THAT doesn't sound like the biggest bunch of promotional bullshit I've ever read. People spending hours in a retail store, really? THEY'RE CALLED HOMELESS. The last time I ever spent hours in a retail establishment my mom forgot me at Sears while I was playing in the middle of a clothes rack and they closed the store for the night. And that, my friends, is why I can't sleep without a circular saw.

Youtube

Thanks to Patrick, Mark, babysteps and Mixtech, who, dance! *pew pew* I SAID DANCE!

Nov 16 2009 WTF WAS THAT?: Boy Loses His Cool, Cries And Punches Wall Over Modern Warfare 2

NOTE: NSFW DUE TO LANGUAGE. WATCH IT WITH HEADPHONES ON OR THE VOLUME LOW.

There's rock bottom, and then they're webcam-ing yourself crying and punching the wall over your disappointment about Modern Warfare 2. Jesus, kid, fix yourself a spot of tea and calm the f*** down. Oh, and for the love of God: lose the milk mustache.

Youtube

Thanks to kweks, who had a meltdown about the new Super Mario Bros. for Wii but was smart enough not to tape it.

Nov 5 2009 WTF Was That?: The Lateset Android Ad

Just as I suspected, Motorola's new Droid phone (which drops tomorrow) is at the middle of a U.S. government conspiracy to wipe out the American midwest. Why the government would want to do this is beyond me, but if I had to guess it has something to do with farm subsidies. I'm on to you, the man!

Youtube

Thanks to Marc, Blitz and Tiny Jim, who have all ridden in stealth bombers but they can't talk about it because if they did they'd have to stealth kill you like a ninja.

Nov 4 2009 The Airshake: Because Nobody Wants H1-N1

First of all, I thought we all agreed to call it H1N1 or the swine flu and NOT the Mexican Flu. Geez, no need to point fingers. Obvious racism aside, Belgian telecommunications company Telenet has suggested a way to shake hands in which we can still greet each other, but without actually making human contact: the airshake.

"...we desperately need a new way of greeting each other, since greeting is the cornerstone of our social and political life. It's a sign of mutual respect, friendship and equality. As of today we propose to replace the firm handshake by an airshake, that's a handshake without touching one another. So concerned are they, they even created a short video demonstration with Jarabe Tapatio--aka the Mexican Hat Dance--as the soundtrack.

That's right, they used the Mexican Hat Dance. Are all Belgians this racist? Because I will boycott their waffles. It won't be easy but I'll do it.

Hit the jump for a short video demonstration on airshaking.

Continue Reading " The Airshake: Because Nobody Wants H1-N1 "

Oct 16 2009 Highly Questionable Japanese Sniper Prank

Is there anything funnier than tricking a Japanese man into a meeting and then faking the death of everybody else in the room by sniper fire? No. Unlessssss the alleged gunman then bursts in and puts his weapon to the man's head and pulls the trigger. Seriously, you're sick, Japan (keep the freaky Hentai coming).

Youtube

Thanks to Closet Nerd and Harry, whose parents don't allow them to watch Japanese TV for fear of them becoming morally corrupt.

Oct 14 2009 WTF Was That?: Amazing Paper-Flipping Animation Video Thingy Is Slightly NSFW

NOTE: Video is arguably NSFW due to cartoon violence and what may or may not be a penis (it's a penis. It's 100% a penis) from 0:30 to 0:35.

I have absolutely no idea what I just saw even though I watched it five times in a row. I really loved the style, but the subject matter gave me siesta-mares this afternoon. I know I promised I wouldn't nap on the job anymore, but a siesta's different. It's cultural.

Crazy Headsploding Animation Defies Any Classification [gizmodo]

Oct 13 2009 Aliens Are Here, Apparently Vodka Drinkers

Aliens were recently spotted (well, not literally) hovering over Moscow and playing with the clouds above the city because they have that technology and like to make our meteorologists jealous for sucking so bad at predicting the weather (you said no rain today, jerks!). And don't even try to tell me there's some other reasonable explanation for this video, because there isn't. Even Stephen Hawking agrees with me, and that guy knows his stuff. Isn't that right, Stephen? STEPHEN?! Need I remind you you're parked precariously close to the stairs?

Youtube

Thanks to Sergey, melissa and roy, who would have at least thrown a rock at it or something.

Oct 11 2009 Topless Asian Man Busts Moves/Shows Off His Neo-Geo Collection (Plus Bare Ass!)

NOTE: Double shot of bare ass at 1:24 and 1:28. You can't get that at Starbucks!

This is a video of some crazed Asian man dancing his ass off while displaying some of rarer Neo-Geo titles in his collection. It's by far one of the most disturbing things I've seen, but I can't help but watch it again and again. It has something to do with the way he dances, which is technically amazing. You can't learn those moves in gym class! I don't care how many times you offer to stay after school and help pick up the orange cones.

NSFW: Topless Weirdo Shows Off His Neo-Geo Collection [kotaku]

Thanks to Aisha, who once danced the devil under the table and then stole the bitch's horns. Nice, I want to wear them!

Oct 5 2009 Wow: Plane-Mounted Laser Burning A Truck

This is a short video of Boeing and the Air Force testing a plane-mounted laser's ability to burn the everliving shit out of a stationary object during a flyby. Mission accomplished!

This video shows the effect of the high-energy laser beam from the Boeing Advanced Tactical Laser (ATL), fired at a stationary truck from a US Air Force NC-130H (Hercules) flying over White Sands Missile Range, New Mexico, on August 30, 2009. The ATL is a chemical oxygen iodine laser (COIL), and is a scaled-down version of the megawatt-class high-energy laser in the Boeing YAL-1 Airborne Laser (ABL).

Did that say scaled down? Because this thing was powerful enough to set a truck's hood on fire from who knows how far away. Now imagine the much more powerful megawatt laser pointed at your face. You'll have to wear glasses after that for sure!

Youtube

Thanks to Zach, who has one of these lasers mounted on his arm to heat frozen burritos. Good lookin', Zach, love those things.

Sep 25 2009 THERE IS NOTHING OKAY ABOUT THIS

This is a video of the government's latest flying cyborg beetles in action. That's right, ACTUAL LIVE beetles being remotely controlled via implanted electrodes. Just wait till the government gets its hands on you!

"We demonstrated the remote control of insects in free flight via an implantable radioequipped miniature neural stimulating system," the researchers reported in their new paper for Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience. " The pronotum mounted system consisted of neural stimulators, muscular stimulators, a radio transceiver-equipped microcontroller and a microbattery."

The research, supported by the Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, is part of a broader effort, called the HI-MEMS program, which has been looking specifically at different approaches to implanting micro-mechanical systems into insects in order to control their movements.

OH HELLLLLL NO. You show me one person who thinks this is okay and I'll show you a got-damn freedom hating communist. Just sayin', I saw that sickle and hammer tattoo!

Video: Pentagon's Cyborg Beetle Takes Flight [wired]

Thanks to Danny, Mycropht, Bo, Mike, Zach, Jason, Peterman and TobyRaider, who already have government chips implanted in their brains that make them irresistible to women. WHERE WAS I ON THAT, THE MAN?!

Sep 9 2009 Highly Questionable Popular Science Ad

This is a highly questionable 30-second commercial for a new show on the Science Channel called 'Future Of...'. Basically the show explores in which ways robots are gonna bend us over and have their cold, metallic way with humanity. Now I don't want to ruin the ad for you, so go ahead and watch it.

Did you see that? THE DUDE BROUGHT FLOWERS TO A ROBOT WOMAN! WTF IS UP WITH THAT?! I don't care how far in the future, I could never love another robot. You broke my heart Teddy Ruxpin!

Youtube

Thanks to Alaina, who's smart enough to know the future i snow. Yes, the future i snow. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT IT'S THE TRUTH!

Sep 1 2009 Possessed: The Boy Who Cries Wolf Blood

15-year old Calvino Inman is just like any other 15 year old boy. Except he's possessed by the devil and cries tears of blood. BURN HIM WITH FIRE! Now I'm not saying this a hoax, but I am saying I caught Calvino siphoning red food coloring up his ass (strictly by accident, I swear). DUM DUM DUM! Book 'em, Danno.

Youtube

Thanks to leftRIGHTleft, who has to remind herself how to walk or she gets all tripped up.

Aug 25 2009 Wrong, Just Plain Wrong: Two Robots Kissing

Listen, as long as you're human I firmly believe you should be able to kiss and have relations and relationships with whoever you want (provided they feel the same about you). I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow, blue, red, white, clear, striped, dotted, Canadian, from Australia, have food allergies, are bi, straight, gay or super gay, I say go for it. Robots, not so much. Robots should all burn in a fire.

Video: The first (televised) kiss between robots [engadget]

Thanks to Xavier, Mr. Robbot, Peterman, Joe Mamma, 3d, Kenneth and Captain Awesome, who swear they've never tried kissing themselves in the mirror and are all terrible liars.

Aug 25 2009 Never Pick Up After Your Dog Again!

If you don't like picking up after your dog but are cool strapping a plastic bag to its ass, you're in luck. All thanks to the revolutionary Pootrap (I would have gone with Shitbag)!

An amazing new device that picks up after your dog without any hassles. Dog feces is extremely dangerous to people even if you pick it up. A residue is left over and can cause blindness, liver damage and death. The Pootrap solves these problems once and for all.

Are you serious? I mean, are you serious? They should at least be advertising how you don't have to bend over and not sensationalizing how dangerous dog waste is. And to prove a point (don't ask me what), I'm gonna pick up after my dog this afternoon with my bare hand.

Product Site

Thanks to Gargamel, who huffs Smurfs like nobody's business. Because it's not, so stop asking questions.

Aug 22 2009 You've Got To Be Kidding Me: Winkers Jeans

Winkers are jeans that have graphics on the ass that appear to move as you walk. They're called Winkers because the first pair they designed have a pair of eyes that appear to wink. These are by far the most ridiculous pants I've ever seen, so, yeah, sure to be a hit. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with an active volcano.

Youtube

Thanks to Richard, Brandon in New Orleans, Dude McRad and Dan, who prefer to wink with their hats like normal people.

Aug 19 2009 Sport?: Indoor Synchronized Bicycle Riding

I can honestly say I had no idea indoor synchronized bike riding was a real thing. But now that I do, I can't say I'm surprised (I once saw a grown-ass man lounging in a kiddy pool in his front yard, beating himself in the head with an oversized plastic bat). So yeah, I guess what I'm getting at is this: they need sexier uniforms.

Youtube

Thanks to twellve, who once synchronized her fist with some guy's face for looking at her funny. He had a wonk eye, twellve, geez.

Aug 17 2009 Fail: How Not To Use An Automatic Door

This is a video of an alleged Pakistani engineering student failing to use an automatic door correctly (read: with his face). You just have to see it to believe it. God only knows how he treats escalators.

Engineering Student Takes On Electrical Door, Loses [gizmodo]