Nov 20 2009 NSFW NSFW: WTF DID I JUST WATCH?! SERIOUSLY, W.T.F. DID I JUST WATCH?!

WARNING: NSFW VIDEO IS NSFW

This is the highly, highly, HIGHLY NSFW music video for the Flair's 'Truckers Delight'. I can't even begin to describe to you how dirty I felt after watching it. Unless you've ever swam in pig shit and then showered in vomit afterward. In which case, Jesus, join another pool.

Youtube

Thanks Smee and Kaerus, I'll split my therapist's bills between the two of you.

Nov 14 2009 Mario And Luigi Rob Cab Driver In New York

Mario and Luigi, best known for plunging shitters and trying to save the Princess from the evil clutches of Bowser, have turned to a life of crime. Specifically, robbing cab drivers. What's the Mushroom Kingdom coming to?!

At around 4 a.m. on November 1, presumably following a Halloween party, a Staten Island cab driver was assaulted and robbed by four men. It being Halloween, it may have been difficult for the victim to describe the assailants, but two of the men were wearing unmistakable costumes - Mario and Luigi.

A surveillance video, which can be viewed on the NYDailyNews, shows two men dressed as Mario and Luigi wrestling a cabbie for his cash while a third man dressed in a tuxedo stood watch.

Anybody with information about the true identities of the two has-been heroes should contact Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom. Oh, and tell her the GW sent you. She doesn't know who I am, and I want you to look stupid.

Men Diguised as Mario and Luigi Rob Cab Driver [tomsguide]

Thanks to Brian, Aron, wes, Cyke101 and sham, who only cosplay for good.

Nov 13 2009 Free Willy!: Whale Penis Leather Interior Dropped As Option On Luxury SUV's

Remember the Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored cars we reported on last month? You know, the ones that came with a 'whale penis leather interior' option? Ha, how could you forget? -- you called the company to find out if you could just buy seats. Well, after many complaints from whale-loving organizations like Greenpeace, the WWF and PETA, the company has decided to drop the option. Per their absolutely terrible press release. And I mean terrible:

We have no any ideas to kill the whale or something like that. All we want - to make just luxury car. Real luxury car which will be world number one car. [...] All we want to unite luxury and armoring traditions of RussoBalt factory in one car, which brand celebrated 100 years now. At 1922 RussoBalt was renamed to PROMBRON' (ex.RussoBalt).

We just looking for most expensive products for this car - and that's why we choosed whale penis leathure when we checked it is most of most. After wave of protest we realised our mistake and make a decision not to use natural leathure at all. We will focus on world most advanced nanotechnologies to achieve interior highest quality using artificial materials which also was never used for cars. We want to tell our hello to all whales: "Our Sea Brothers! We all know that earth are stand on three whales - we will keep You live! We don't Earth fall down to Ocean!

I can only assume that's just a horrible, horrible translation job. Because if not, this is the last car I'd ever want to drive. You can't even put a sentence together, how am I supposed to trust your air bags?! *POOF!* Elephant scrotum, nice.

Hit the jump for two more shots of the most whale-hating-est vehicles in the world.

Continue Reading " Free Willy!: Whale Penis Leather Interior Dropped As Option On Luxury SUV's "

Nov 4 2009 Moron Scores DWI In Breathalyzer Costume

18-year old idiot moron James N. P. Miller (because one initial wasn't enough) scored a DWI (you can't even drink legally!) on Halloween while wearing his 'blow here' breathalyzer costume. Not so good lookin', N.P. Can I call you N.P.? You know I'm going to anyways.

According to a police report, 18-year-old James N. P. Miller, of Cincinnati, was seen driving the wrong way out of the entrance to a one-way street at East Park Place in Oxford.

Inside his car, officers allegedly found an open container of Bud Light in the center console.

Officers also found what was left of a case of Bud Light in the passenger side front seat and in the trunk.

The legal limit in Ohio is .08 BAC--Miller tested at .158. He was cited for operating a vehicle while intoxicated (among other violations) and released to his girlfriend.

I actually know a guy that wore the same costume on Halloween and try as I might, I couldn't get a reading. I dunno, dead batteries or something.

Moron In Breathalyzer Costume Busted For Driving Drunk [gizmodo]

Thanks to Chris, who blew even harder than I did.

Nov 4 2009 The Colorblind Clock Is A Little Discriminatory

Because the colorblind aren't real people and certainly don't deserve to know what time it is, design company sonodesign is selling 'the clock i can't see'. The clock I can't see is a £35 ($58) wall clock designed to put the colorblind in their place and make them miss appointments.

Take a closer look and you will see numbers (12, 3, 6 and 9) hidden in amongst the spots. This clock is made of double thickness high quality acrylic and will hang on a standard picture hook.

Oh really? Well if you take a closer look at my fist you'll see stars. KA-POW! Neat, huh? While you recover, anybody can still read this clock provided you know where the numbers typically are (placement is pretty standard). So yeah, you may have won this battle, The Colorblind, but wait till they let me design prescription pills. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hit the jump for two more shots including a close-up of the numbers.

Continue Reading " The Colorblind Clock Is A Little Discriminatory "

Oct 26 2009 What In The...?: Vampire Mouth In A Can

This vampire mouth in a can is actually a male sex toy. It's the completely inappropriate $45 Fleshlight Sex in a Can 'Succu Dry'. Not even kidding, no matter how badly I wish I was. Now I don't really want to go into too many details, but those fangs aren't even functional. Oh, hold on, I'm getting an email.

----- Original Message -----

From: bloodlover3962@hotmail.com
To: The Geekologie Writer
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:21 PM
Subject: Geekologie Tip - Male Sex Toy

Geekologie Writer,

Instead of selling guys on that vampire mouth in can, could you just pass my # along? Thanks champ, love the site.

Edward Cullen

I knew it! Sorry you had to find out this way, ladies.

Have a Happier Halloween with the Fleshlight Succu Dry [gizmodo]

Thanks to Aisha, Closet Nerd, smith, Gable and Root Beer, who don't buy sexy toys, they buy sex tools. I don't even know what that means, but I think it involves at least a 2-stroke motor.

Oct 24 2009 Wow, No: Guy On Craigslist Seeks Amputee For Halloween Costume

Some guy on Craigslist posted an ad seeking a double amputee (no legs) in order to complete his 'Chewbacca carrying a half assembled C-3PO' Halloween costume. In case you can't read the ad above:

So this might seem strange and really offensive to some but hopefully someone will reply. I have always loved the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Chewbacca has to carry around a half reconstructed C3PO in a backpack because he hasn't reattached his lower body yet. For Halloween I would love to dress up like this. I am big enough and strong enough to both pull off the Chewbacca look and to carry around a lot of weight for the night. So basically I am looking for a double amputee (somebody missing both legs - preferably at the hip) to accompany me as C3PO for the evening. We should probably meet ahead of time so that we can work out the backpack/harness system. There are a few parties that I want to hit and I think we will be the hit of any event we attend. Anyone up for this?

So do you think there's like a special hell for people like this or do they go to the regular one? Because this sounds like a Hell 2 kind of situation to me.

amputee-halloween-costume-craigslist ad [filmdrunk]

Thanks to Coby, Tom, Blastphemer and Spoonman, who don't need human props for their Halloween costumes.

Oct 21 2009 Oh Wow: Illegal Alien Halloween Costume

This is a Illegal Alien Halloween costume that's just been pulled from Target and Amazon. I wouldn't wear it, and not just because masks make it harder to drink.

Many are outraged over an "Illegal Alien" costume that depicts its wearer as a space alien in a prison jumpsuit brandishing a giant "green card." Understandably, those concerned over immigrant rights see this as a swipe at the Hispanic community.

The products official description reads:

"He didn't just cross a border, he crossed a galaxy! He's got his green card, but it's from another planet! Sure to get some laughs, the Illegal Alien Adult Costume includes an orange prison-style jumpsuit with 'Illegal Alien' printed on the front, an alien mask and a 'green card.'"

Listen, I promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to push my own political agenda on you folks, so I'm not going to. But I am going to use it to shamelessly self promote and sell some t-shirts. So buy my book and some t-shirts, damnit.*

*Book and t-shirts possibly coming soon. Maybe.

'Illegal Alien' Costume Being Pulled from Some Store Shelves [hispanicbusiness]

Thanks to Alex, who has been a pirate four years running and is going for a fifth. Of rum. HIYO!

Oct 19 2009 Luxury SUVs: Now With Whale Penis Interiors

Italian leather is okay, but you haven't experienced luxury until you've peeled yourself from whale penis leather on a hot day. And now you can thanks to the $1.6 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armored car! Also, penis leather is fundamentally wrong.

The leather is not the only tacky accessory on the Prombron, which Dartz claims is the world's most expensive SUV.

The bulletproof windows are gold-plated, the exhaust is made of tungsten, the gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies and the exterior has a Kevlar coating.

The car also comes with three bottles of the world's most expensive Vodka, RussoBaltique, although the website does warn prospective buyers not to drink and drive.

Dartz's armoured vehicles weigh roughly 4 tonnes, are powered by V8s putting out between 300kW and 400kW and are "rocket grenade-proof" according to the website.

For those wondering just how may whales may need to be harvested to outfit the special edition, the answer is not many. The penis of the Blue Whale, for example, can grow up to 2.4 metres.

Yeah, no. If I catch anybody with one of these you can rest assured I'm stealing your windows, exhaust, instrument panel and vodka. AND I MAY RUB MY FACE ALL OVER YOUR SEATS.

The 4WD with seats made of whale penis [sydneymorningherald]

Thanks to Russell and Dan the man, who both drive unicorn penises.

Oct 16 2009 Highly Questionable Japanese Sniper Prank

Is there anything funnier than tricking a Japanese man into a meeting and then faking the death of everybody else in the room by sniper fire? No. Unlessssss the alleged gunman then bursts in and puts his weapon to the man's head and pulls the trigger. Seriously, you're sick, Japan (keep the freaky Hentai coming).

Youtube

Thanks to Closet Nerd and Harry, whose parents don't allow them to watch Japanese TV for fear of them becoming morally corrupt.

Oct 13 2009 Something's Not Right: Google Street View Car Spots Deer Crossing Fail In Canada

That doesn't look like any deer I've ever seen. But maybe they used that picture because they want you to slow down like an elephant. Elephants, after all, are notoriously lumbering beasts. Not unlike -- wait for it, wait for it -- mammoths! I don't care if you are frozen solid, consider yourself burnt you woolly mammaries!

Google Maps (actual location)
via
Google Street View confirms Elephantitis strikes deer population in Canada [autoblog]

Thanks to fdsy, who once saw a children crossing sign with a picture of Sasquatch. Hey, some kids look like that.

Oct 9 2009 NASA's Moon Bombing High-Five Fail

This is a short video from the live-feed at NASA showing the group responsible for bombing the moon celebrating after a job well done. Just watch red shirt there get snubbed by black shirt after initiating a high-five sequence. THEY EVEN MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT. Geez, talk about awkward. I've only aborted a high-five once, and that was because I knew the guy didn't wash his hands after using the bathroom. Seriously bro, I'm not touching your junk.

Youtube

Thanks to Martyn, who has never been denied a high-five BECAUSE HE WILL RIP YOUR ARM OFF AND DO IT HIMSELF IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

Oct 5 2009 Wait, What?: Fake Virginity Kits For Sale

I don't even know what to say, except this makes me sad about the women in the world who are stoned and fed to dragons if they're not virgins when they're married. And you thought I was a heartless asshole.

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

Wow, did I really just read that? Because now I don't feel so good. The $30 kit ships from China and I suspect is manufactured using recycled condoms. Plus, I don't even know what. [Insert something here while I cry and puke at the same time]

Product Site

Thanks to Michael and The webcam in your monocle, who can't tell the difference between a virgin and a hole in the wall. Literally, no idea.

Sep 30 2009 Bad Idea: American Girl Makes Homeless Doll

You see that doll there? Her name's Gwen, and she's the latest release from the American Girl company. Plus, she's homeless. WTF!? Where's her 1991 Chicago Bull's NBA Championship shirt and mix-matched shoes?

For $95 -- more than your average homeless person would dream of spending on a rather mediocre baby substitute -- Gwen Thompson can be yours. A mixed message if ever there was one.

In the history books that come with every American Girl doll -- bringing to life these little monsters until impressionable little ones believe they are actual people -- you learn that Gwen's father walked out on the family. Her mother lost her job.

As the little kiddies learn to read about this doll as if she's a human being, one learns that, as fall turned into winter, Gwen's mom lost her grip.

Mother and daughter started bedding down in a car.

JESUS. Where's the part about her mom turning tricks in the backseat of that Buick in order to afford Gwen's dress? Just saying, those things don't grow on street lamps. And, as a guy who's no stranger to "bedding down" in the back of a car, trust me: they never really have free candy.

'Homeless' doll costs $95 (hairstyling extra) [nypost]

Thanks to Kristin, who once bought a heroin-addict doll but returned it when she found out it came with real used needles.

Sep 29 2009 I'm Not Sitting On It: Real Robotic Transformer

This is a real-life Transformer (OmniZero.9, the brainchild of Takeshi Maeda) that can morph from a humanoid robot to a humanoid robot that can carry a person, to a wheeled cart. Just watch how scary it is when it moves. If I didn't know better, I'd swear there was a little person in there. But there isn't! Just wires and servos and a metallic heart of death. Which, true story, only beats for the destruction of the human race. And speaking of which: One time I competed in a three-legged race solo.

Hit the jump for a video of the robot battling another, much smaller one.

Continue Reading " I'm Not Sitting On It: Real Robotic Transformer "

Sep 25 2009 THERE IS NOTHING OKAY ABOUT THIS

This is a video of the government's latest flying cyborg beetles in action. That's right, ACTUAL LIVE beetles being remotely controlled via implanted electrodes. Just wait till the government gets its hands on you!

"We demonstrated the remote control of insects in free flight via an implantable radioequipped miniature neural stimulating system," the researchers reported in their new paper for Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience. " The pronotum mounted system consisted of neural stimulators, muscular stimulators, a radio transceiver-equipped microcontroller and a microbattery."

The research, supported by the Pentagon's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, is part of a broader effort, called the HI-MEMS program, which has been looking specifically at different approaches to implanting micro-mechanical systems into insects in order to control their movements.

OH HELLLLLL NO. You show me one person who thinks this is okay and I'll show you a got-damn freedom hating communist. Just sayin', I saw that sickle and hammer tattoo!

Video: Pentagon's Cyborg Beetle Takes Flight [wired]

Thanks to Danny, Mycropht, Bo, Mike, Zach, Jason, Peterman and TobyRaider, who already have government chips implanted in their brains that make them irresistible to women. WHERE WAS I ON THAT, THE MAN?!

Sep 22 2009 Toy Teaches Children About Life And Death

Now I'm not saying this is the best way to explain to your daughter what happened to Mr. Fluffernutter, I'm just saying I can't think of a better one. Your parents: be thankful I'm not one of them. EXCEPT I TOTALLY AM. Your other father and I made you!

Picture

Thanks to Yopoleo, who made has never run over anything but the time limit when giving an acceptance speech.

Sep 19 2009 Religious Persecution!: Jedi Tossed Out Of Supermarket For Refusing To Remove Hood

Co-founder of the International Church of Jediism, Master Morda Hehol (Daniel Jones, seen above, left), was kicked out of a North Wales supermarket after refusing to remove his super-sweet Jedi hood. He is considering legal action (I would have just Force-choked the assistant manager).

"I told them it was a requirement of my religion but they just sniggered and ordered me to leave. I walked past a Muslim lady in a veil. Surely the same rules should apply to everyone. It was discrimination. I was really upset. Nobody should be treated like that. I'll advise worshippers to boycott Tesco if it happens again. They will feel the Force."

The jedi holocron handbook clearly states that "Jedis must wear a hood up in any public place of a large audience."

A Tesco spokeswoman said:

"Jedi are very welcome to shop in our stores although we would ask them to remove their hoods. Obi-Wan Kenobi, Yoda and Luke Skywalker all went hoodless without going to the Dark Side. If Jedi walk around our stores with their hoods on, they'll miss lots of special offers."

Really? You're gonna miss out on special offers? THAT'S the justification you're gonna use for not allowing patrons to wear hoods? Oh, this just in: Tesco security beats the shit out of a blind man.

Jedi tossed out of supermarket for wearing hood [inquisitr]

Thanks to em. MONSTER and Alexis, who only wear their Jedi hoods in the bedroom. YOW YOW!

Sep 18 2009 Whee: Now You Can Kanye-Ify Any Website

It was only a matter of time before somebody did this. Because when I was watching the VMA's live from the back of the auditorium through the scope of a sniper rifle, I was wondering how long it would take after the Taylor Swift incident (I love you, Taylor -- you belong with me! Creepily) for somebody to make a Kanye-ify website. Apparently four days. Or maybe sooner, but I just found out about it yesterday. Just add http://kanyelicio.us/ to the front of any URL and presto: jackass everywhere!

Kanyelicio.us

Thanks to ViLLaiN, who is working on a Geekologie-ify website. Hell yes, ViLLaiN! I don't care if you are evil, you're a-okay in my book. And to Adam, who used kanyethis.com to make THIS little number. Jerk.

Sep 16 2009 No, NO, NOOOOOOOOOO!: Yaddle Love Aid

For those of you who don't know, Yaddle is a female Jedi of Yoda's species (whatever the hell those green freaks are). And what you're about to see, if you're brave enough to hit the jump, is a homemade lovemaking aid featuring a picture of Yaddle and a green Fleshlight. And for those of you who don't know what a Fleshlight is: congratulations, you're our only hope.

WARNING: IMAGE CANNOT BE UNSEEN.

Hit the jump and get it over with. Feel the burn.

Continue Reading " No, NO, NOOOOOOOOOO!: Yaddle Love Aid "