Nov 18 2009 This Wasn't In The Job Description: Microsoft Store Employees Required To Dance

This is a video of the workers in a Microsoft store dancing around and clapping like the bunch of out-of-shape retail employees they are. That said, I would've passed out halfway through the song BUT ONLY CAUSE I'D BEEN DRINKING.

The Blackeyed Peas compel the employees at the Microsoft Store in Mission Viejo, California to break out in dance, let their hair down and have some fun. This is an amazing store, the employees seem really excited and engaged, almost happy to be at work. My favorite parts are when people walking in the mall come inside the store, join in the dancing and have some fun. The amazing thing is that people are in the store for hours, they love interacting with the software and learning about new technology.

Wow, like THAT doesn't sound like the biggest bunch of promotional bullshit I've ever read. People spending hours in a retail store, really? THEY'RE CALLED HOMELESS. The last time I ever spent hours in a retail establishment my mom forgot me at Sears while I was playing in the middle of a clothes rack and they closed the store for the night. And that, my friends, is why I can't sleep without a circular saw.

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Thanks to Patrick, Mark, babysteps and Mixtech, who, dance! *pew pew* I SAID DANCE!

Sep 17 2009 Genius!: Neck Tie Beer Bottle Opener

The After Office Tie, by Argentinian design firm Sinapsis, appears to be an ordinary neck tie when worn under a suit. But little will your boss know that there's actually a bottle opener at the bottom perfect for opening happiness (read: booze) while on the clock! You know, this reminds me: one day I almost finished a whole case of beer at work. *glug glug glug* Aaaaaaaand I did it! Now, who's down for happy hour? I will drink your ass under the table! Oooh, and while you're down there -- you spy any loose Chex mix? I like the cereal bits.

Concept: Tie with built-in bottle opener [crunchgear]

Thanks to Jason, who opens beer bottles with his eye socket like a normal pirate.

Sep 6 2009 No Work: Happy Labor Dabor Day Everyone!

Hey folks, sorry I had to leave so abruptly on Friday, I was traveling and got into a fistfight at the airport with a man with a large suitcase AND HAD TO WHIP HIS ASS FROM TERMINAL A TO TERMINAL D. Not really, but I was traveling. Anyway, I know I promised I'd have your haiku graded and returned today (some with smiley stickers, others with lots of red), but I forgot it was Labor Day weekend. You see, sometimes even your Geekologie Writer can be an idiot moron. BWAHAHAHAHAHA! I jest, but it is a holiday weekend so I figured I'd wait till Tuesday to reveal the winners and show you the balls. So everybody have a great time tomorrow and remember: don't go to work. Unless you have to, in which case quit.

HAPPY LABOR DABOR DAY EVERYBODY!

Jul 10 2009 Notebook Paper Printed With Sports Balls

Trapped in Suburbia, an Amsterdam design firm, came up with this "Play More" concept, which is regular notebook paper on one side, but printed to resemble sports balls on the other. Cuuute! Now I'm not saying I wouldn't get anything done at work if I had sports ball paper wads to play with, because, honestly, I don't do anything now besides compulsively check my email and nap.

Play More: Balled-up paper turns into sporty orb [dvice]

Jul 7 2009 "Smile Checks" Ensure Employees Are Happy And Ready For Work, Next: Metal Detectors

To ensure employees at Keihin Electric Express Railway in Japan are putting their best lip forward, the company has implemented a "smile check" policy, in which workers will be required to smile into a camera and have their mug subjected to software analysis of their happiness.

The device analyzes the facial characteristics of a person, including eye movements, lip curves and wrinkles, and rates a smile on a scale between 0 and 100 percent using a camera and computer.

For those with low scores, advice like "You still look too serious," or "Lift up your mouth corners," will be displayed on the screen.

Some 530 employees of the Tokyo-based railway company will check their smiles with Smile Scan before starting work each day. They will print out and carry around an image of their best smile in an attempt to remember it.

Wow. I smell discrimination. Or fire. Shit, yep that's definitely fire. HEEEEEELP! Wait a minute. *sniff* Pork chop sandwiches!

Your Smile Will Be Monitored To Evaluate Quality Of Service [io9]

Thanks to Trin, who once killed a robot with a smile. Brave move, Trin.

Jun 6 2009 Screw Productivity: Happy Birthday, Tetris!

Today marks the 25th birthday of Tetris. In its quarter century of service it has been responsible for thirty googlejillion man hours of gameplay and countless drops in productivity. I know I got fired for playing at work once. You hear that, the man? YOU CAN'T HOLD ME DOWN! Happy Birthday, Tetris, this long piece is for you. And by long piece I mean 40. A GLUGLULGLULAGLUG!

At 25, `Tetris' drops into place as gaming icon [yahoonews]

Thanks to Pat, Watch-303, catch22 and /Eyeroll, who don't even bother working at work anymore.

May 18 2009 How To: Get Free WiFi During Your Commute

Like this. At least that's how they do it in Moscow. From Russia With Love, baby! Also, with nesting dolls and bacon vodka. Suck it, Mr. Bond, you just got stirred!

Hit the jump for another shot of the girl in action just in case you thought it was fake or something. OH YEAH -- WELL YOUR DIAMOND IS FAKE!

Continue Reading " How To: Get Free WiFi During Your Commute "

May 14 2009 How To Quit: The Best Resignation EVER

Now you see folks, THAT is how you quit a job. Remember: the goal whenever leaving an organization is to ensure it crumbles behind you as you walk out the door. So, at that very moment, your employer realizes just how under-appreciated you were. And then is crushed under the rubble.

Hit the jump for three more resignations, which were all part of Cracked's 'I Quit' Photoshop contest.

Continue Reading " How To Quit: The Best Resignation EVER "

Apr 29 2009 How To: Quit Your Gaming Development Job

Farbs, a game developer working for 2K Australia quit his job, and this is how he submitted his two six weeks -- with a custom game (A Message for 2K Australia)! And I'll tell you -- it sure takes the cake over this resignation! *brutally punching myself in the balls*

Farbs will no longer be working for 2K Australia come June 5th, having resigned his position in order to work full time creating games like the most excellent ROM CHECK FAIL.

Combining elements of Mario and a small splash of his own game, Polychromatic Funk Monkey, Farbs delivers one of the more entertaining "I Quit" notices you're ever likely to find.

Nice. Now call me old fashioned, but whatever happened to the old 'stop showing up for work' method of resignation? It's classic -- you just stop showing up for work. Everyone will start to get all worried and think you're dead. Which, I think we can all agree, I did for the lulz.

How To Quit Your Game Development Job [kotaku]

Thanks to Simon and Julian, who have both quit jobs by crashing their cars into the office lobby. Nice guys, I like your style.

Apr 25 2009 Hidden Necktie Camera For Corporate Spying

The $66 Necktie Spycam can discreetly record up to 2GB of company secrets in stunning 352 x 288 resolution, and even comes with a wireless remote so you can start and stop the action from your pocket. Unfortunately, I can honestly say there's not a single thing I'd want to secretly record at work. But that's because I sit in a cubicle with The Superficial and IWatchStuff writers for ten hours a day. I mean, we don't even have a good looking secretary. Or an ugly secretary. We steal internet from the company upstairs and pee in the stairwell. We used to have an intern but he quit and filed a harassment lawsuit against The Superficial Writer. Which, I think we can all agree, should be illegal for unpaid employees. Also, he was a little bitch.

Hit the jump for several more spy shots.

Continue Reading " Hidden Necktie Camera For Corporate Spying "

Apr 13 2009 Awh Man, I Want To Be Like A Boss

NOTE: VIDEO IS CLEAN VERSION. UNCENSORED ONE AFTER THE JUMP.

If you haven't seen this already it's the latest video from The Lonely Island's album Incredibad. This particular ditty is called 'Like A Boss' and it's all about a normal day in a boss's life. It's pretty much what I do everyday too, except I'm not responsible for managing anybody. I can barely manage my own penis! Now where is that guy?

Make sure your mother isn't standing behind you and then hit it for the dirty version!

Continue Reading " Awh Man, I Want To Be Like A Boss "

Mar 19 2009 Mmmm, The Most Delicious Resignation Ever

When Neil Berrett decided it was time to put in his two-weeks notice he did it deliciously -- with a cake! The cake reads as follows:

Dear Mr. Bowers,

During the past three years, my tenure at the Hunters Point Naval Shipyard has been nothing short of pure excitement, joy and whim.

However, I have decided to spend more time with my family and attend to health issues that have recently arisen. I am proud to have been part of such an outstanding team and I wish this organization only the finest in future endeavors.

Please accept this cake as notification that I am leaving my position with NWT on March 27.

Sincerely,

W. Neil berrett

Nice one, Neil. I typically like to go out with an f-bomb parade or a good old fashioned Xerox'ed penis, but hey, whatever cracks your tractor.

Man resigns from job by handing in notice on cake [telegraph]

Thanks to Julian, who resigned from his last job with a gallon of gasoline and box of matches. Oooh, going away fireworks!

Mar 19 2009 I'll Never Work Again!: Giant Tetris Online

Looking for a great way to piss away your work day? How about starting a giant game of Tetris? Even after a full eight hours of gameplay you'll probably be nowhere! The screencap here is of me playing for five minutes, and then letting it drop shapes on its own for another 2 hours and 42 minutes (larger version HERE). You can leave your desk, go take a nap in your car, and have barely missed a thing. WHEE! I double-dog-dare somebody to fill the whole thing except for a line on one of the sides. You would be my hero! And also, a loser. Mostly a loser. DO IT!

UPDATE: Added a screen cap of some art Geekologie Reader Colunista created with the game, after the jump.

Continue Reading " I'll Never Work Again!: Giant Tetris Online "

Mar 18 2009 Where Do I Buy?: Pillows For Working Late

'Pillows for working late' is a three-piece ensemble created by Polish designer Maja Ganszyniec. It comes with a collar, tie and sleeve that are soft and the perfect place to lay your head should you find yourself dozing off at your desk. I don't think you have to be working late to use them. I mean, I just got to work and I can barely keep my eyessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

Whoa, I just had a dream I came to work naked. Oh, uh-oh. Think they'll send me home if I run over my penis with an office chair?

'Pillows for working late' makes your desk better than your bed [dvice]

Mar 6 2009 Giant Remote Controls Windows Media Center

Why? Because pushing little buttons with your thumbs is for little sissies. You need MAN-LEGS to stomp MAN-SIZED BUTTONS to prove you are a REAL MAN. *SHA-POW* Look, I just punched a hole to the center of the galaxy with my MAN-FIST. That doesn't even make sense but it doesn't have to because I am so full of MAN-RAGE. NOW I'M HUMPING A SODA MACHINE! WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO MORE DR. PEPPER? RAWR!

Our intrepid modder achieved his goal by stitching together two PS2 Dance Dance Revolution mats, a PS2-to-PC controller converter box, and some homebrew source code.

What were we just talking about? Oh right, a giant controller. That thing is mad stupid. I would stomp right through that sucker and into the apartment below mine because my legs are like tree trunks -- wooden. 'Tis true, lost 'em both to the Kraken. YAAARR!

Hit the jump to see a video of the controller in action.

Continue Reading " Giant Remote Controls Windows Media Center "

Mar 2 2009 Do You See What Happens, Larry?

This is older so you may have already seen it. It's the scene from The Big Lebowski when Walter is beating the hell out of "Larry's" car with a crowbar. Except it was edited for television, making it perfectly SFW. Do you see what happens, Larry?? This is what happens, Larry!

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Thanks to Mike, who doesn't want to see what happens.

Jan 29 2009 Unhappy Virgin Airways Passenger Writes Richard Branson Complaint Letter About Meal

A Virgin Airways passenger, thoroughly upset with the meal and service during a flight, took matters into his own hand, and wrote Sir Richard Branson a personal complaint letter about the experience. An exerpt:

So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what's on offer.

I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt

I just read an article this morning that said the customer actually got a job offer by Virgin to be the food critic for potential in-flight meals. It's a fact: complaint letters really do make dreams come true. And also, Disney. I always wanted to puke on a roller coaster!

Hit the jump to read the whole, lengthy letter, including reference pictures. It's basically the same thing I would have done, except with less cussing and threatening "to open a whole bag of airplane peanuts on that ass".

Continue Reading " Unhappy Virgin Airways Passenger Writes Richard Branson Complaint Letter About Meal "

Jan 28 2009 Cool!: Interactive Street Fighter On Youtube

This is some crazy-ass interactive Street Fighter game in which you actually have some limited command over what your fighter is doing by clicking on-screen buttons. All through Youtube -- amazing! Now go give it a try. Note: clicking the button to choose your opponent will open a new window. But like my grandma always used to tell me, "whenever God opens a new window, he slams an old door and nails it shut, preventing any hope of future happiness. Also, a masked stranger will sneak in your newly opened window and try fondling you in your sleep." Sound wisdom, miss you Grams.

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Thanks to MoD and NinjaMuffin, who once chained Blanka to a mini fridge in the park where he was forced to power it and keep their beer cold while they played soccer.

Jan 13 2009 No Need To Apply, Folks, I've Got This In The Bag: Austrialia Posts My Dream Job

Australia's Queensland state is looking to hire a "Great Barrier Reef Island Caretaker" at a rate of $105,000 (US) for six-months of service. What kind of service?

The "island caretaker" would be expected to stroll the white sands, soak up the sun, snorkel the reef, "maybe clean the pool" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.

The winner, who will stay rent-free in a multimillion-dollar three-bedroom beach home complete with pool and golf cart, must be an excellent communicator and be able to speak and write in English.

F*** yes, I can do some of those things!

The job, according to the Daily Telegraph, seems too good to be true -- work 12 hours a month for six months while carrying out such duties as feeding turtles, watching whales and writing a blog.

The Daily Telegraph reported 850,000 people clicked on the site within the first 24 hours, but as of As of 11 a.m. EST, the Web site for job-seekers had been taken down.

Don't even bother, folks, this job was made for me. And I hacked the application site, so you can pretty much forget about it. However, now I'M accepting applications for a few lucky ladies to join me. Applicants must be able to blog, create photo diaries, and video updates. Also, feed turtles and keep a secret.

Australia Offers 'Best Job in World' On Paradise Island [foxnews]

Thanks to Bryan and Michael, who can come if they agree to feed themselves to sharks while my female crew takes pictures.

Jan 8 2009 Learn: How To Excel In A Job Interview

And that, dear reader, is how I became The Geekologie Writer.

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Thanks to Tim, whose special skills aren't just limited to a 20-inch dong.