Sep 2 2009 Chubby Boy To Surrogate Mother, "Bacon Is Good For Me"
This is a short video from the television show Wife Swap featuring a health-conscious surrogate mother who is throwing away all the junk food in a family's kitchen when young Sir Eat A Lot makes a stand when he sees the bacon making its exit. A BACON STAND. Like a lemonade one, but even more delicious...
...
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...OMG I'M GONNA BE RICH!
Thanks to TeckniX, asiantom and naas, who have actually gotten into fisticuffs over spray cheese before.
Feb 25 2009 How Romantic: Man Proposes At LEGOLAND
So some guy proposed to his girlfriend at LEGOLAND in Las Vegas, apparently because every other place in Vegas was too crowded. With hookers. Crowded with hookers. *booking flight*
Cobb proposed to Williams with the help of a "Lacey Will You Marry Me?" sign hand-crafted by one of the park's master model builders and displayed as a part of "The Strip" Lego site.
"I wanted to do something special," Cobb said, "and this idea just popped into my head one day."Unfortunately, Williams walked right past the sign, which was mounted on a mini replica of Paris' Eiffel Tower and decorated with two four-inch bride and groom models of the couple - twice - before Cobb got down on one knee.
That's romantic as shit, Cobb, good looking. And you know what they say: a couple that LEGO's together, eventually winds up experimenting with them in the bedroom and having to make a late night visit to the ER. Medical bills, folks, I have them.
Fort Collins man proposes at Legoland [coloradoan]
Thanks to Aaron, who proposed to his girlfriend at Six Flags like a normal person.
Feb 18 2009 Zelda Tattoo Chick Please Contact Me
I don't have any more information except boner. And I like those Oreos. Call me.
Thanks to mikeydubz, who can't have her because she's mine. MINE.
Oct 29 2008 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Guy Trying To Sell Wife Online UPDATE: New Lower Price!
A Romanian man genius is trying to sell his 25-year old wife online. Why? Because that's the best goddamn idea I've ever heard, that's why.
Alex Cretu, 20, who lives in Bucharest, hoped to get around $8 million but has lowered his price to $6,000 for a quick sale. His ad on www.okazii.ro reads: "Wife for sale. Model 1983, good condition. Full option, nice suspensions, spacious boot, second owner. Price is negotiable, comes with three-year-old and five-year-old accessories. Seriousness demanded."
Alex says he placed his ad on the site partly because he had got fed up of his wife nagging him all of the time and partly as a joke.
Partly as a joke my ass.
Romanian man puts wife up for sale [propeller]
Thanks to Pat, who I wish had sent this tip a year ago.
Sep 12 2008 I Want: A Skull Shaped Deprivation Chamber
The Sensory Deprivation Skull is a little room you climb into when your wife won't stop nagging you about "cutting the grass" and "getting a job". It effectively blocks out light and wife-banter and will eventually make you go crazy and possibly even masturbate to vivid hallucinations of Smurfette. Needless to say, I want one pretty bad. But if you're looking for the ultimate in sensory deprivation, I recommend you tie a black garbage bag over your head. You won't sense a thing....ever!
Note: Please nobody do that. I can't deal with another death on my conscience.
Hit it for one more picture of a sexy little lady crawling around inside your skull.
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Jul 31 2008 OLD!: Tracing The World's Oldest Jokes
The University of Wolverhampton recently published a list of the 10 oldest jokes, and #1 dates all the way back to 1900 BC. It, unsurprisingly, was toilet humor.
It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."
Oh man, that's disgusting. I don't even get it but it still sounds nasty.
Joke #2 came from nearly 300 years later.
A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."
Oh man, I totally want to be a pharaoh. I was a little surprised there weren't any caveman jokes, but apparently they weren't very funny (like yours truly).
The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."
More like "what barely hangs past a man's pubic hair". Am I right, guys? No? Just me? Damn. Seriously though, I just wrote a joke. What do you call a woman that makes you wait until marriage to have sex because she secretly has a penis? Just my luck. HIYO!
And yes, I added Drew from Office Space to the picture.
World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC [yahoonews]
Jul 21 2008 B21 Kitchen Robot (AKA: The Kitchen Killer)
The B21 Kitchen Robot was designed to know where everything in your kitchen is via RFID tagging and help you prepare meals. In reality, the robot will probably just stab you. The blue barrel bastard was created by the Technical University of Munich and even has the capability to learn how to use new tools (read: knives, read: oh freaking great).
(By using RFID tags) the robot knows where everything is, and it can learn simple tasks simply by observing the movements of the objects."Setting the table is very easily recognized from cups and plates disappearing from the cupboard and appearing on the table, and cleaning up later is characterized by the same objects disappearing from the table and appearing in the dishwasher."
The team is also working to integrate a number of open-source software packages to enable the robots to get instructions from the internet, in the same way that some search for images.
Oh yeah, that's just what I need -- a robot that's getting instructions from the interwebs. So let me get this straight: There's a robot in my kitchen. It knows where the knives are, and it's being controlled by someone whose goal is to type F1RST! in the comments? Thanks, but I'll just keep my wife chained to the stove. Damnit, hold on.
I SAID OVER EASY!
Robot chef gets a boost from wireless kitchen [newscientist]
Thanks Bo, now I have to destroy my kitchen so there's nowhere for this evil bastard to live.
Jul 17 2008 DeWalt Edition M-16 Is Power Tooltastic
Kidding, it's not really a DeWalt edition rifle, it's just an M-16 some guy modded to look like one. Apparently, it's supposed to look like a nail gun.
I'd just picked up a new (to me) M-16 and was in the process of fixing it up a little. It needed new furniture anyway, so I sourced the safety yellow stock, guard, and grip. Then, I went down to the DeWalt factory service place a few miles from the house to get a sticker. There, I saw they had brand new battery casings, so I picked up one of those too. I got home, found a short magazine , and got to work.
Yeah buddy, that's what I'm talking about. I freaking love modded weapons (except these ones) and even dabble in them a little myself. Like when my wife was at work today I modded a bazooka to look like her hair dryer. Anybody want to go out for coffee tomorrow morning, say around 8:00?
UPDATE: Added more pics after the jump.
Continue Reading " DeWalt Edition M-16 Is Power Tooltastic "
May 30 2008 Self Parking Car (No, Not That New Lexus)
This is a self-parallel parking car that engineering students at the University of Toledo built. It's pretty clever. I mean it's so simple that even women could conceivably parallel park. But I'm pretty sure my wife would still find a way to smash up every car around her, drive up on the curb, and back over someone's cat. And the best part? She'd have no idea.
UPDATE: Joking ladies, you know I love you all and think you're wonderful drivers. Truthfully, my wife has never damaged her car but I've driven it poles (telephone and yield sign) on two separate occasions. And the best part? I lied and told her someone must have backed into it in the grocery store parking lot.
Thanks Mike, now lets go play buck-a-curb
May 28 2008 'Perfect Woman' Robot Is Far From Perfect
Remember Aiko, the life-like wheelchair-bound robot woman that slapped you if you tried to touch her boobs? Yeah, that was wrong on every level possible. Well here comes another robot companion for men -- Lisa, the Perfect Woman. She can allegedly cook dinner and I really hope this is fake.
We created a technology called RKS, "Recognition Krax System", which allows for vocal, tactile and visual recognition. Lisa is able to recognize objects and persons and she can even differentiate between roses and tulips for example.
...everything started with a book called Love + Sex with Robots: the Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships by David Levy. I had always thought that one day technology would allow us to create a robot that would be able to perfectly imitate human behaviour. With Lisa we succeeded.
Well I've heard enough. Seriously, sex with robots is just wrong, period. Call me crazy, but what in the hell's the matter with good old fashioned analog sex with an inflatable sheep?
Another MUST MUST SEE video about a guy that allegedly fell in love with one of these, after the jump. Note: They block out his face and make him sound like he sucked down a helium tank so he can't be identified and ridiculed. And no, it's not me, I swear*.
*On the robotic life of my beloved Lisa.
UPDATE: As I had hoped this is strongly believed to be a hoax and an actual real-life woman. But I humped her anyway and she did start smoking out one of her ears. So what conclusion can we draw from this? I clearly have no idea where a woman's vagina is located.
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Apr 25 2008 Cat 5 Wedding Rings Let Everyone Know You're Connected To A Very Special Geek
Looking for a nice geeky ring to seal the deal with your special someone? How about these Cat 5 rings? No? Okay, just thought I'd throw it out there.
A wedding set for the unconventional! The female ring has a choice of four opaque colors: turquoise, white, orange or black. The male ring stands tall and dramatically transparent. Switch-up the sexes! Order two of the same! The world is your technological oyster.
First of all, the world is not my "technological" oyster. The world is my "kick me while I'm down and then punch me in the throat when I try to get up" oyster. Secondly, I didn't even propose to my wife, she proposed to me. You should have seen the ring she used. Okay, it wasn't so much a ring as it was brass knuckles. And sure, she wasn't so much proposing as she was punching me in the face and telling me to get off her property. But I think you get the point -- we're a match made in heaven. Well technically it was the alcohol safety class you have to take after two DUI's, but whatever.
A worthwhile gallery of geeky rings, including a vacuum tube one, after the jump.
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Apr 16 2008 Guy Proposes To Girlfriend Via Hacked Video Game, She Says Yes, My Wife Divorces Me
Bernie Ping is a computer programmer that proposed to his girlfriend Tammy Li by hacking her favorite game, Bejeweled. After she reached a certain score a special screen with the message popped up, and she said yes. PopCap, the maker of the game, was surprisingly unpissed (companies typically discourage hacking their games), and is even flying the couple to Seattle as part of their honeymoon and handing out copies of the game to wedding guests.
Wow, that's so awesome. But not nearly as awesome as the way my girlfriend thought I was proposing to her. I'll tell you about it. You see, my girlfriend and I were really big into those claw machines (crane games) where you try to pick up stuffed animals and dump them down a chute. Well some of the machines in the bars around here have jewelry and other crap stuffed in there. So there we were playing when I noticed there was already something in the prize chute. I told my girlfriend to investigate, and it was a little ring box. She started tearing up as she removed it, thinking I was proposing. You should have seen the look on her face when she opened it up and it was a chintzy key fob -- priceless.
From matching gems to the perfect match [yahoo]
Thanks to Alastair, who no woman could refuse, for the tip
Feb 7 2008 PS3 Rainbox Six Mod Is A Little Las Vegas
This PS3 console diorama was created by German modder Butterkneter for a special UbiSoft Rainbow Six Vegas promotion. As you can see it's a little mock up of Las Vegas casinos. It looks good, but takes up a lot of room. I don't think that would fit in my entertainment stand. Besides, where are the hookers? No Las Vegas diorama is complete without a couple scantily clad streetwalkers. Like Sparkles and Ginger, who both treated me really well the last time I was there ;)
Honey -- if you're reading this that was just a joke. I really was at the convention the whole time, I didn't even have time to gamble (snicker) let alone visit prostitutes. Seriously, I swear.
Sparkles and Ginger -- You owe me for the free advertising.
A couple more pictures of the mod after the jump.
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