Oct 28 2009 Good Friends: I'm Afraid That's What You Get

Don't even act like you didn't deserve it.

Twilight Saga: And so it begins... [lamebook]

Thanks to pstone, who always remembers to take his shoes off before passing out.

Oct 22 2009 Geekologie Review: Blood Energy Potion

I drank this stuff, it was good. It's thick and tastes like Hawaiian Punch concentrate. They recommend you put it in the microwave for 14 seconds to heat it up to body temperate. I did that. That made it warm. It was weird warm. Like licking a fresh wound, but sweeter. I think it gave me superhuman strength and speed but I won't know for sure till after I whip this nancy Edward Cunnilingus' pale ass.

Synthetic blood substitute. The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste! Re-sealable transfusion bag style pouch. Contains no real blood, just synthetic!

A 4-pack will set you back $16 but they get cheaper the more you buy. It's definitely a cool product for Halloween and certainly an attention getter. Not as attention getting as actually biting a stranger, but why risk the disease? Because you're crazy, that's why. I say do it. Bite that old lady. BITE HER NOW!

Product Site (order before 3PM tomorrow, October 23rd for Halloween delivery)

Oct 6 2009 Yikes!: Vampire Teeth Baby Pacifiers

As if babies aren't scary enough already, now you can get $7 vampire teeth pacifiers that make them look like they're gonna suck blood instead of breast milk. No way -- not from this teat!

Billy Bob pacifiers for babies with personality. You will receive this hilarious, Lil' Vampire Billy Bob pacifier. It is brand new in manufacturers' packaging.

WARNING: Do not tie pacifier around child's neck, as it presents a strangulation danger.

Geez, who on earth would ever tie a pacifier around a child's neck? I mean, besides your parents. One time they left you on top of the car and drove off!

Product Site
via
Halloween Lil' Vampire Pacifier Makes Babies Scary Even While Sleeping [walyou]

Oct 3 2009 Twilight: The Way It Should Have Been

This is video from G4's Attack of the Show (featuring Kevin Pereira and Olivia Munn) depicting what Twilight would have been like if there was a just and fair God. But there isn't, so guess who'll be watching New Moon opening night? NOT ME! My guess is a shit-ton of 13-year old girls. Plus your girlfriend.

Olivia Munn`s Twilight: Don`t Date Vampires [iambored]

Thanks to me.vicky, who once bit the head off a bat because she thought she heard it talking in vampire-speak.

Sep 28 2009 Not Just For Vampires: Blood Energy Drink

Blood Energy Potion is a $6 energy drink (availableJanuary 2010) that was made to look -- and have the same nutritional value -- of real blood. That's pretty gross.

"The fruit punch flavor packs 4 hours of energy along with iron, protein, and electrolytes. Not only does Blood Energy Potion have a similar nutritional makeup to real blood, but it has the same color, look, and consistency of blood. Get real blood nutrients without that real blood taste! The re-sealable transfusion bag style pouch provides the convenient delivery of fluids for vampires and humans alike! Contains no real blood, just synthetic! "

Pfft, forget synthetic blood. I drink the real deal. ISN'T THAT RIGHT, MY FALLEN ENEMIES?! Say, none of you had AIDS, right?

Product Site
via
Blood Energy Drink [likecool]

Thanks to Ste, who is holding out for a bile energy drink. HORF.

Aug 20 2009 For The (Clumsy) Ladies: Twilight Bandages

Look down. Do you have breasts? If so, you're a woman or a man who could afford to lose some weight. Either of which may be interested in these Twilight bandages. They're band-aids, but with Twilight shit on them. Now, not to flaunt my superior product design skills or anything, but they should have made the bandages look like vampire bites. BOOM, $1 million idea. You'd have girls throwing themselves off their bicycles just so they could wear more of them. Oh, right, Twi-hards are cutters.

Product Site (sorry ladies, currently sold out)

Thanks to ech0z, who doesn't wear bandages because he has the healing properties of Wolverine, but is way more rugged and handsome. There, I did it -- now pay up.

Jul 8 2009 Sure, Why Not?: Twi-Hard Tattoo Gallery

This is a massive gallery of chicks with Twilight tattoos. Because Twilight is like the female equivalent of blowing shit up with fireworks for a guy. Most of the tattoos are quotes and the book cover art. This one about the lion falling in love with the lamb seems to be particularly popular. And guess what ladies? That's not romantic. You see, I fell in love with a lamb once AND NOW I'M BANNED FROM THE PETTING ZOO. Miss you, Bleaty.

Hit it for all the ink.

Continue Reading " Sure, Why Not?: Twi-Hard Tattoo Gallery "

Jun 24 2009 Great News, Twihards!: Twlight Makeup Line

So apparently (I can't believe I'm writing this) there's a Twilight makeup line coming out from DuWop, the cosmetic line being used during the filming of the new movie, "Blue Moon" or whatever. Want to look like a vampire and save $16? Don't sleep.

Be transformed. Let the alchemy transcend.

This special limited edition Lip Venom is a sneak preview of our highly anticipated Twilight Venom, debuting this Fall. Lip Venom V is not your typical DuWop venom. Instead of a gloss, Lip Venom V is a shimmering crimson lip stain suspended in a venom-laced liquid lip conditioner with a bite, and contains argan, avocado, olive oils and vitamin E.

This product should be shaken before use to represent the blending of the human and vampire worlds and applied repeatedly until lips are plumped, revitalized and the desired intensity of color has been reached.

WOW. I just bought like 30 billion shares of DuWop stock. Also, I'm not afraid to admit that I love the Twilight series, and I'd be happy to stay up all night talking to any of you (legal) Twihards out there about Edward Cullen and just how sexy he is. Provided we do it topless. Oh, and call him by his codename: The Geekologie Writer.

Hit the jump to see the Edward and Bella Barbie dolls coming out this fall. And tell me: is it just coincidence Edward's head is shaped like a dildo? I THINK NOT.

Continue Reading " Great News, Twihards!: Twlight Makeup Line "

Apr 7 2009 Violence Escalates Between Twilight Fans (Twihards) And Non-Twilight Fans (Anti's)

That's right folks, diehard Twilight fans (Twihards) are waging war on their non-teen vampire loving brethren (Anti's) for talking smack on the series. Thankfully, there's a discussion board that has collected all the cases of Twihards attacking Anti's with books, bricks, knives and flare guns. I'm sure some of them are fake, most are poorly written, but a couple of them were pretty funny. They're broken into categories, depending on the severity of the attack, ranging from slap on the wrist, to police worthy, to felony. You know, I always suspected these books were brainwashing readers into lives of violence. This Twilight series is even worse than gangster rap! And, oh God, my girlfriend is one of them! BURN IT WITH FIRE!

The Twihard Attack Directory [twilightsucks]

Thanks to Watch, who once called Dracula a blood-sucking taint and then peed in his sleeping-coffin.

Mar 24 2009 British Scientists Producing Synthetic Blood

Apparently British scientists are ahead of everyone else in the race to produce a synthetic blood supply using stem cells. Go you, Britain, here's a teacake.

Because stem cells multiply indefinitely, it would be possible to enormous quantities, researchers said.

The cells can be made from universal donor embryos - the O-negative type - and can be guaranteed to be free of infections because they have never been inside a human.

The idea of destroying embryos to create stem cells raises ethical issues, but in theory, just one embryo could meet the nation's needs.

Stem cells aside, I think the real issue is this: if synthetic blood is so readily available, how are we going to track the vampire population? I've seen Blade, those bastards are crafty. I suggest we start culling the herd now before it's too late. And speaking of culling -- I'll take care of Edward, you get the rest.

British scientists on course to become the first to produce synthetic human blood [dailymail]

Thanks to phuzzygish, who one made some pretty believable synthetic blood with corn syrup and food coloring.

Mar 23 2009 True Blood Advertisements In New Zealand

HBO posted these True Blood posters in New Zealand (who seems to get much cooler ads than we do) to advertise the upcoming season of the blood-sucking series starting June 2009. As you can see, each ad features several handy-dandy vampire pokers should you find yourself with some pointy-toothed bastard eying your neck on the bus. Ya best protect ya neck! And also, your purse -- vampires are thieves! It's true, that dreamy Edward Cullen stole my heart. You smell that? *sniiiiiiiiiiiiff* Smells like Twilight on DVD!

Hit the jump for several more pictures, this one and the next of which were taken by New Zealand Geekologie operative, Jonathan.

Continue Reading " True Blood Advertisements In New Zealand "

Feb 23 2009 You Need Help: Bella's Womb From Twilight

I never read or saw Twlight because I'm a pseudo-adult man with almost 1/2 my dignity intact (I saw Mamma Mia in the theater). To my credit though, I have seen Blade several times. Anway, some Twi-hard -- wait, they're actually calling themselves that? Yes, they are. Wow, I need to sit down for a minute. Whoa, office chair -- bad idea. Floor it is.

Oh yes, one creative (and creepy) Twilight fan actually took the time to felt together Bella's womb, complete with -- wait for it -- an actual felted mutant fetus inside! Who in their right mind does stuff like this? Seriously, who wakes up one day and says, "Ya know, I think I want to spend the next week or so recreating what Bella's womb would look like with a mutant fetus inside, and then maybe share it with fans on the internet ... because they'll of course think I'm, like, completely normal and stuff."

Why do I get the feeling whoever made this also put up a Craigslist ad asking for a vampire to impregnate her? I swear, what the hell's the matter with people? That said, I am 100% vampire. Baby, I will do you like it's 1499 and not hesitate one bite to put a sun-fearing baby in that ass. Just sayin, I pick and eat my own scabs.

Fan Made: Bella's Womb from 'Twilight' (aka Creepiest 'Fan Made' Ever) [cinematical]

Thanks to Jules, who doesn't want a vampire baby, just a little werewolf.

Feb 7 2009 eBay: Vampire Killing Kit Perfect For Bedroom

We've featured a couple other vampire killing kits (not to mention zombie killing ones) here on Geekologie, but I particularly like this one because it's nice and discreet. Typically, it just looks like an old art print (lower right in photo), but slide the front off and TA-DOW -- a mirror, cross, garlic, holy water and stake.

So the next time your suspicious friend who only comes over after dark and stares at your neck is in your room, whip out the mirror from this, and if there is no reflection, you'll be glad the rest of what you need is at your fingertips! Yeah!

I've got news for you: if you whip out that mirror and your lady friend doesn't have a reflection, guess what -- you just had sex with a vampire! High-fives all around! Now stake her.

eBay Auction

Thanks to Mike, who's never killed a vampire but has slayed two dragons.

Dec 26 2008 eBay: Pocket Sized Vampire Hunting Kit

Well we've already seen a $15,000 full-sized vampire killing kit. But what if you want something smaller? You know, a little vampire protection that'll fit in your pocket or man-purse? Enter the Vintage Pocket Sized Vampire Slaying Kit.

This is a Vampire killing kit that will travel with you, cause you never know when you may need it. It measures 6 5/8 inches long, and 1 1/4 inch square. One of a kind for sure.

The crucifix is from Paris, as stamped on the back of it, and it is obviously old. The Box also appears very old. The vials are brass, and contain Holy Water in the one with the copper tag with the "H" stamped on it, and the other vial has "G"stamped on it for garlic. The vial corks are sealed in red wax. A small wooden stake completes the set. A "V" is stamped on the copper plate on top for "Vampire".

The parts, crucifix, wood box, screws, and metals used are old and tarnished, and most parts of the set are vintage.

Eh, I'd make my own if I were you. But $20 isn't too bad if you're lazy. You just better hope that holy water isn't urine. I hear vampires love that shit. And speaking of vampires -- the lead in Twilight, so dreamy.*

*This message brought to you by The World For A More Effeminate Geekologie Writer.

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures of the kit, and a link to the auction.

Continue Reading " eBay: Pocket Sized Vampire Hunting Kit "

Nov 18 2008 Old Vampire-Killing Kit Sells For Small Fortune

An authentic vampire-killing kit from the 1800's recently sold at auction for nearly $15,000 to a pale man in a black cape. "This is a complete kit that comes fully equipped - stakes, mirrors, a gun with silver bullets (because where there are Vampires there might be Werewolves), crosses, a Bible, holy water, candles and garlic." The whole kit is housed in a beautifully decorated American walnut carrying-case. You know, because vampires hate nut trees, and nuts in general. Isn't that right, Dracula? Haha, biggest pair you've ever seen!

1800s Vampire Killing Kit Sold For $14,850 [youbentmywookie]

Thanks to Dave and REW, both of whom are trained in the art of beating the shit out of vampires.

Jan 11 2008 ATAX Survival: You're The Last Man Standing

The ATAX Survival Tool was designed by survivalist Ron Wood and has a lot of features that may come in handy if you find yourself the last human on earth (or drunk and lost in the woods).

You can either use it as a knife or lash it to a stick and use it like an axe. The high-carbon steel main blade measures 4-1/2″ with the tool’s overall length coming in at 5-1/2″. With the various metrics laser-etched on the blade, you can tell time (like with a sundial), measure angles, and judge distances. With some slingshot tubing, you can turn the ATAX into an arrow launcher for hunting game. The micarta handle conceals a small storage area for various survival items like matches and twine and MacGyver brand paper clips.

The unit sells for between $150-$200. The only problem I have with the thing is that it's impractical. If everyone else in the world is dead, then chances are there were zombies and/or vampires involved. So this thing should have tools specifically designed for the mass destruction of said beasts. I'd take this survival kit over the ATAX any day. And not just because a gun is included. Okay, mostly because a gun is included. Well that, and a Plexiglass shield.

ATAX Survival Tool [boingboing]