Sep 29 2009 She's So....Beautiful: How To Fix Your Baby's Misshapen Nog

Let's be honest with ourselves: our children, when first born, are ugly and their heads are all smushed cause they just got squeezed through a vagina like the last of the toothpaste. And by "our" I mean "your" because I don't have any kids. But now there's hope for your little football-head thanks to Cranial Technologies. Basically they'll design a custom helmet for your child that exerts light pressure on their dome to mash that melon back into shape. Plus, they're fully customizable with stickers and paint! For a small fee, I'll even sign the thing like a cast. And for a large fee I'll whip anybody's ass that makes fun of your child's helmet. HELMETS ARE THE NEW HAIR, FOLKS, YOU WATCH!

Product Site

Thanks to Jordan, who was born with a perfect shaped head because he burst out of his mother's chest like an alien.

Apr 3 2009 I Want: Jackets Made From Blow-Up Dolls

You heard right, 31-year old Utrecht-based designer Sander Reijgers modifies track jackets with parts from blow-up dolls to make them mad sexy. It's about time!

I customize existing tracksuit tops with parts of the blow-up dolls: the head, the breasts, the vagina, the anus. These dolls are so ugly and vulgar that turning them into something beautiful has become a challenge for me. The doll is a means to convey something else.

ZOMG, I want one! Except I want mine to have like a hundred vaginas and two nipples on the head like little antennae. Wait till the people on the bus seem me! "ZIP ZAP, I AM FROM MARS."

Hit the jump to see several better ones, I only chose this picture for the front page because of that junkie's ass.

Continue Reading " I Want: Jackets Made From Blow-Up Dolls "

Mar 29 2009 Questionable Women's Razor Commercial

This is a questionable commercial for the Shick Quattro For Women TrimStyle with Bikini Trimmer. I'm outraged it was allowed to air because my six-year old just asked me about "those transforming bushes". You know what I told him? Decepticons.

Youtube

Thanks to "Captain Partytime" Mike, who may wreck the ship, but he'll have one hell of a good time doing it.

Mar 12 2009 Freaky Deaky: DIY Bedroom Toy Goes Wrong

Now I'm not saying there's not a place for reciprocating saws in the bedroom, I'm just saying if you do decide to get freaky with a power tool, TAKE THE BLADE OFF FIRST. Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (except really, really dire ones) just ram a fake wiener on the existing blade. Because then you'll end up like this poor lady.

The saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman, according to TheBayNet.com. The injuries were severe enough for medevac, but the woman was released from the hospital Monday and is recovering from her unusual injuries.

Investigators talked to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.

Trying something new -- I'll say! When I think 'trying something new' I think a clean sock or sitting on my hand for awhile, not power tools. Although....

MEDIC!

Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter [nbcnewyork]
via
Saber Saw Sex Toy Incident: DIY Gone Very, Very Wrong [gizmodo]

Jan 26 2009 Yes, Please: A Naked Stereo System

Ooh la la. This is a piece by Bob Turek in a series called Object Remix.

speakers

fiberglass mannequin
hand built stereo amplifier
36" x18" x12"
2008

As part of my object remix series, this stereo forces the music source into the center of attention and creates a radically new user interface

Ladies and gentlemen, it is official: I have touched music, and it felt good. Also, she's gonna need a new left speaker.

Object Remix [coroflot]

Thanks to Crystal, whose breasts sound like two angels singing "Happy Birthday".

Jan 7 2009 ZOMG: New Toy Teaches You How To Wield 'The Force' Using Brainwaves Or Something

Oh yeah, a toy that teaches you how to utilize 'The Force'. You know, from Star Wars.

The Force Trainer (expected to be priced at $90 to $100) comes with a headset that uses brain waves to allow players to manipulate a sphere within a clear 10-inch-tall training tower, analogous to Yoda and Luke Skywalker's abilities in the Star Wars films.

First of all, being able to manipulate a ping pong ball IS IN NOT WAY analogous to Yoda and Luke Skywalker's abilities -- those dudes could throw freaking spaceships around.

A state of deep concentration is needed to achieve a Force-full effect. "When you concentrate, it activates the training remote," says Frank Adler of toymaker Uncle Milton Industries, which is creating the Trainer. "There is a flow of air that will move the (ball). You can actually feel like you are in a zone."

Deep concentration....in a zone....hmmm, that sounds familiar. Of course -- Skee-ball!

Toy trains 'Star Wars' fans to use The Force [usatoday]

Thanks to Menchi, who promises to teach me The Force just as soon as she masters it.