Jul 17 2009 WTF Is That!?: 12-Mile Biological Goo In Arctic

A 12-mile long trail of unknown biological goo has been spotted off the coast of Alaska. Personally, it looks like robot love-oil to me (don't ask how I know). *ahem* I'm looking at you, Optimus.

"It's certainly biological," Hasenauer said. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.

"It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism."

"It's pitch black when it hits ice and it kind of discolors the ice and hangs off of it," Brower said. He saw some jellyfish tangled up in the stuff, and someone turned in what was left of a dead goose -- just bones and feathers -- to the borough's wildlife department.

ZOMG, it's the North Carolina sewer mutant's illegitimate older cousin! Now I'm not saying I want to deep fry some and include it in my Octo-taco-pancrepe-pizza, because I don't. But I would smear some all over your body and lick it off. God, am I romantic or what?

Hit the jump for a picture of a bucketful of the gunk.

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Jun 25 2009 Stoned Wallabies To Blame For Crop Circles

The title alone might be the most profound thing I've ever written. I smell Pulitzer! So yeah, apparently wallabies are getting into medical poppy fields in Australia and going nuts. Whee!

"The one interesting bit that I found recently in one of my briefs on the poppy industry was that we have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," Lara Giddings told the hearing.

"Then they crash," she added. "We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."

Great, next they're gonna start breaking into cars and selling themselves to koalas to pay for a fix. And right when I was about to visit Australia too. Damn you, junkie wallabies!

'Stoned wallabies make crop circles' [bbcnews]

Thanks to Graf Zeppelin, SquidgyB, Marty the farmer, Ross and Jonny, who can only make McDonald's runs when they're high.

Oct 31 2008 Giant LEGO Figure Appears On Beach

A giant LEGO minifig maxifig washed up on the beach of Brighton, England a few days ago, and nobody knows where the hell he came from.

The Lego man is 6ft tall in red, yellow and green. It is presumed to have washed up on the beach, but whether it has come from a cargo ship or from across the Channel is not clear.

Brighton resident Gerry Turner, 34, said: "It's very odd. God knows how it got here but people are saying it's from Holland because it's got some Dutch writing on it. It must have fallen off a boat of something. The kids love it."

Fallen off a boat or something? How many boats do you know of with giant LEGO men manning the sails? Exactly, only a handful. No, I think there's a much more logical answer to this mystery. And that, my friends, is God.

Giant lego man appears on Brighton beach [telegraph]

Thanks to ShitBitch Carl, who used to captain a LEGO pirate ship in the Carribbean.

Aug 14 2008 Is This Really Bigfoot? (Hint: Hell If I Know)

First the Montauk Monster, then a chupacabra, and now....Bigfoot?

Two Bigfoot hunters claim they have the body of one and plan to release a photo and what they claim is DNA evidence at a news conference in Palo Alto on Friday.

The Bigfoot is claimed to have been found in the woods of northern Georgia by Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, and the claim is being supported by a Bay Area Bigfoot researcher Tom Biscardi, a multiple local Democratic candidate.

I copied the entire press release for the news conference after the jump, so you can check out all the claims, but I'll post a couple of the more interesting ones here:

*The creature is seven feet seven inches tall. *It weighs over five hundred pounds. *It is male. *Its footprint is sixteen and three-quarters inches long and five and three-quarters inches wide at the heel. *From the palm of the hand to the tip of the middle finger, its hands are eleven and three-quarters inches long and six and one-quarter inches wide. *The creatures walk upright. (Several of them were sighted on the same day that the body was found.)

So folks, what's the deal? I'll continue to follow the story and hit you with an update if there's anything groundbreaking revealed at the press conference tomorrow, provided it's not, "Haha, tricked you!" If that's the case I'll bury this post and pretend I never wrote it. Geekologie Writer: 1, Journalistic Integrity: 0.

Hit it for the press release and a video news report, and yes, that is supposed to be a photo of the thing stuffed in a freezer.

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Aug 13 2008 Is This A Chupacabra? (Hint: Probably Not)

A Texas cop was on a routine fence inspection drive (WTF?) when he found a strange creature running in the road. He claimed it was hairless, had long back legs, short front legs, and a massive snout. So he started filming it with the car's camera. Hit the jump to see the video and hear an interview with the cop. So, what do you think, is it a chupacabra? No, it's not. How do I know? Simple. 1. The chupacabra is a creature of the night, they don't wake up from their daytime siesta until after nightfall. 2. It's nothing like what I imagined it should look like. Chupacabras should be half human, half lizard -- that would be freaking sweet. This thing is the bastard child of a coyote that stuck it to your neighbor's dog. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly 3. Is it sucking a goat's teet? I see no goat, I see no teet, I can't see my dick past my beer bellly anymore, and I see no chupacabra. *slams case closed for emphasis* Suck it, Matlock!

Hit it for the video.

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Aug 8 2008 It's Paper!: Montauk Monster Mystery Solved

Remember Brian Chan? He's Geekologie's Folder In Residence. Well this morning he wrote to let me know he singlehandedly solved the Montauk Monster mystery: It's a single piece of folded paper! ZOMG, government conspiracy! This just proves the point I've been trying to make for awhile now: when there's no simple answer, blame the government. They're bound to have f***ed up somehow. And also, taxes. They make you pay them.

Hit the jump for a close-up and comparison shot showing the monster for what it really is.

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