Sep 1 2009 I Must Have It!: Magical Unicorn Juice
Some guy on eBay recently sold the last jar of unicorn semen in the United States for $31 plus $3 flat rate shipping. If you were the buyer please contact me, as I must have some. *ahem* For science, for science (if I repeat things it makes them real).
This is possibly the only jar of Unicorn semen left in the united states.Unicorns were bred for their magic and keen night hunting skills to protect lepreachauns that had been injured in battle during the civil war. Unicorns were only found in two places on the planet, the northern and southern hemispheres. Anyone in possession of this rare and magical fluid will be able to swim with the wolves and fly with the dolphins as its powers are still being found.I opened the jar while i was on my computer and my computer flickered for a minute and i realized the semen had helped me kill Yogg-Saron on my World of Warcraft account and i recieved the Shawl of Haunted memories and the Mantle of the Wayward Conqueror. i have already been blessed and recieved my gift...so i'm going to pass the power onto someone else. Do not drink the unicorn semen as the power is too much for the human digestive system and could change your DNA and give you the shits. Bid, but Bid Wisely.
Do not drink, my ass. I have an iron stomach (and lung) and am gonna guzzle that whole jar like I'm shotgunning a beer. LASER VISION, YOU WILL BE MINE!
Thanks Chris, but if I found out you bought it and aren't sharing, well, that's just cruel. GIVE ME A SIP!
Aug 21 2009 Segway's Little Sister: The eniCycle
The eniCycle was designed by Aleksander Polutnik and is the lovechild of a Segway and whatever the hell this thing is. And I, for one, would totally ride it. Without a helmet. I'm bad!
The EniCycle is powered by an electric 1000 watt hub motor that you lean forward to set into motion--just like a Segway. Measuring your vertical angle 100 times a second, the gyroscopes make adjustments to help keep you balanced.
Not only would I ride the hell out of this thing, I would do it juggling bears. And not just because I'm hardcore, but because I'm classically trained for the circus. Just sayin', I can eat fire (now booking birthday parties).
Q: What did the snail riding the turtle say?
A: WHEEEEEEEE!
Hit the jump for a video of the uni in action.
May 12 2009 Denny's: Now With More Dinosaurs, Drugs
This is a new commercial for Denny's advertising how cool it is to get all high out of your mind and then go eat breakfast at 4am -- but not before dropping a handful of acid in the parking lot. I mean, Jesus, the unicorn can't even chew his fries. And while I did appreciate the inclusion of a dinosaur, this commercial is still sending the wrong message to today's youth. One about breakfast being the most important meal of the day. IT'S LUNCH, PEOPLE.
Thanks to Verity, who knows how much I love dinosaurs. But not how much I love leprechauns. *wink* Just kidding, those little bastards are creeeeepy.
May 7 2009 Spock: Upside Down And Looking Spool-y
Deborah Sperber made this rendering of everyone's favorite elf (sacrilege!), Spock, using 1,102 spools of colored thread. But to view Spock's visage properly, one must gaze into a crystal viewing ball while rubbing it and repeating "I love The Geekologie Writer" three times. Then, I will leap out of the piece, shirtless atop my snow-white unicorn. You will squeal with delight and rush towards me with open arms. Unfortunately, this will spook my mount, which will gore you upon its crystalline horn. I will not touch your dead boob.
Spock Spools [ibored]
Thanks to Mike, who knows quality romance when he reads it.
Dec 18 2008 Gory Macabre: The Perfect Baby Shower Gift
Oh man, I love these. And unicorns really do spear little forest creatures like that, it's true. I've seen 'em do it with my own two eyes. Well, one eye -- one of those f***ers got me! Sadly, this awesomeness isn't for sale, which is a crying shame. Because gory macabre animals are the perfect way to let your kids you love them. Just not enough to not scar them for life. Sleep tight little ones! Haha, no nightlight tonight -- the goblins were complaining. And also, no sneaking out of bed -- the floor turns to acid when I leave the room. Kisses!
Hit the jump for some larger pictures of my favorites.
Continue Reading " Gory Macabre: The Perfect Baby Shower Gift "
Sep 23 2008 For Kids!: Plushie Animal Head Mounts
There comes a time in every child's life when they want a unicorn. And now you can get them one thanks to the $80 Plushkill Forest Unicorn mount! If unicorns aren't your kid's thing, don't fret -- they also come in deer, rabbit, moose and pony varieties. Collect them all! Remember, nothing teaches children about the preciousness of life better than a dead animal's head.
Thanks to Britany, who agrees that teaching your children to hunt unicorn at an early age is just as important to their development as regular whippings.
Jul 8 2008 Garden Zombies Add An Undead Touch To Your Flowerbed, Hopefully Scare Solicitors
Tired of staring at the same damn group of garden gnomes in your flowerbed? Well how about (un)livening things up a bit with a Garden Zombie? Garden Zombies cost $90 and the 32"W x 20"D x 8"H sculptures look like they're climbing out of the ground and ready to gnaw on some headfruit.
Not for the faint of heart, the life-sized, gray-toned zombie will claw his way out of your garden plot or family room corner, pleading for assistance with the most lifelike eyes you've ever seen. His macabre expression is captured in such great detail in quality designer resin and finished so realistically that you'll swear you can hear him breathing!
Garden? Maybe. Inside the apartment? F*** no. The last thing I need to see while stumbling my way to a midnight snack is a zombie climbing out of the floor. I'd decimate my tighty-offwhities (if I was wearing any) and cry like a baby. Eventually I'd come to, grab one of my zombie-survival kits, and proceed to kill the poor sap that lives in the apartment below mine.
Jun 12 2008 Unicorn Discovered, Little Girls And I Rejoice
This is a picture of a unicorn. A real, live unicorn. While technically not a corncob, a single horn protrudes from the center of the animal's head. The deer, which resides in Tuscany, Italy, has a twin with regular horns. It was born in captivity after its mother was struck by a car and unable to fend for herself in the wild.
The earliest mention of the beast was by the Greek historian Herodotus in the 5th century BC.In one notebook, Leonardo Da Vinci suggested unicorns could be captured using a virgin as bait.
Okay, so which one of you is gonna be the bait? HA! Just kidding, I'll do it :(
'Unicorn' born in Italy [telegraph]
Thanks Bryan and Ling, now let's capture that thing and offer unicorn rides at children's birthdays -- we'll be rich!
Jan 15 2008 MacWorld 2008, Introducing The MacBook Air
The new MacBook Air isn't actually invisible like I first suspected. Nor does it float. It's just way thin and has no optical drive. The Air rocks a 13.3" screen, is 0.76 inches at the thickest, weighs 3 pounds, and features a multi-touch trackpad. It comes with an ultrathin 80GB hard drive, but you've got the option for a 64GB solid-state drive if you prefer yours with no moving parts. Part of the Air's appeal is its incredible wireless diversity. You can install software on the machine by "borrowing" the disk drive of another computer and having it send the data to the Air. You can also transfer files wirelessly from another computer or the new Time Capsule external HD/Wi-Fi station. The 1.6GHz with 80GB standard hard drive starts at $1,800. The 1.8GHz with 64GB solid-state hard drive starts at $3,100. Both models begin shipping in two weeks and neither has a removable battery.
I apologize for not being able to post this earlier, but I was kicked out of MacWorld for "being a complete dick" and "peeing on the floor", both of which I contest. While I did punch that overzealous fanboy (see picture), it was because the little bastard kept stepping on my new shoes (that and his haircut). And as for the public urination charge -- that was just the ziplock of bourbon I had taped to my leg leaking. Long story short: I made out with two female cops, jumped out of a speeding police car, caught the last wild unicorn with my bare hands, flew it across the border to Mexico, sold the unicorn for a bottle of spanish fly and admission to a donkey show, and now I'm in a bar drinking cheap tequila and blogging. And that, my friends, was MacWorld 2008 for the Geekologie writer. See you next year Steve!
The MacBook Air [engadget]
