Sep 15 2009 In The Land Of The Blind, The Man With One Eye Is King: Ridiculous Cyclops Sunglasses
I don't wear sunglasses because I like squinting, but for those of you that do, and only have one giant eye, maybe these new Martin Margiela sunglasses are for you. Sure they look like a giant windshield and cost $570, but that's a small price to pay for looking like a giant Miami douche-hydrant, am I right? Of course I am. Unless we're talking about handed, in which case I'm left. Speaking of which -- remember that no child left behind program? It's a lie (my parents abandoned me at a water park).
Martin Margiela Sunglasses [likecool]
Thanks to naas, who doesn't wear sunglasses BECAUSE HE OPTS FOR DUAL EYE PATCHES. Damn yeah, matey!
Aug 30 2009 You've Got Mail!: Oldschool Computer Mailbox
Who the hell still rocks those oldschool CRT monitors? You do? Oh, sorry. Truthfully, I still rock a 21-incher myself. HIYO! Anyway, this is a $230 computer mailbox fabricated out of wood and a traditional mailbox so that some punkass teenagers can come bat the shit out of it. I don't recommend them. But I do recommend you paying me $100 to make you a modern flatscreen monitor mailbox. Sure it'll just be an unpainted piece of particleboard with a whole cut in the middle, but what did you expect? Watch your bills just blow away! But not into my yard, I'll call the cops.
Computer Mailbox: You see, grandma? This is how e-mail works [dvice]
Aug 25 2009 Wrong, Just Plain Wrong: Two Robots Kissing
Listen, as long as you're human I firmly believe you should be able to kiss and have relations and relationships with whoever you want (provided they feel the same about you). I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow, blue, red, white, clear, striped, dotted, Canadian, from Australia, have food allergies, are bi, straight, gay or super gay, I say go for it. Robots, not so much. Robots should all burn in a fire.
Video: The first (televised) kiss between robots [engadget]
Thanks to Xavier, Mr. Robbot, Peterman, Joe Mamma, 3d, Kenneth and Captain Awesome, who swear they've never tried kissing themselves in the mirror and are all terrible liars.
Jul 7 2009 "Smile Checks" Ensure Employees Are Happy And Ready For Work, Next: Metal Detectors
To ensure employees at Keihin Electric Express Railway in Japan are putting their best lip forward, the company has implemented a "smile check" policy, in which workers will be required to smile into a camera and have their mug subjected to software analysis of their happiness.
The device analyzes the facial characteristics of a person, including eye movements, lip curves and wrinkles, and rates a smile on a scale between 0 and 100 percent using a camera and computer.
For those with low scores, advice like "You still look too serious," or "Lift up your mouth corners," will be displayed on the screen.Some 530 employees of the Tokyo-based railway company will check their smiles with Smile Scan before starting work each day. They will print out and carry around an image of their best smile in an attempt to remember it.
Wow. I smell discrimination. Or fire. Shit, yep that's definitely fire. HEEEEEELP! Wait a minute. *sniff* Pork chop sandwiches!
Your Smile Will Be Monitored To Evaluate Quality Of Service [io9]
Thanks to Trin, who once killed a robot with a smile. Brave move, Trin.
May 11 2009 Another Montauk Monster Washes Ashore
Remember the Montauk Monster? It's back. Well, another one at least. Escaped from the same top secret government facility as the first, this monster washed up on Southhold, Long Island, just across the bay from Montauk. AND THERE'S VIDEO. AND IT'S GROSS. BUT I'D STILL EAT IT. BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY.
Hit the jump for some guy poking the thing, holding hands with it, and singing Kumbaya and shit.
Apr 9 2009 Now That's What I Call Class: The Gold Mouse
The Gold Bullion Wireless Mouse (not to be confused the the piratey USB hub) is actually plastic. Which is why it costs $35 and not $35 gajillion. To its credit though, it does have a scroll wheel. But still, why anybody would actually pay for this garish piece of bullionshit (count it) is beyond me. That said, I bought one as a gag gift for The Superficial Writer. He loves this kind of crap. And also, American Idol.
UPDATE 1 YEAR LATER: ZOMG, The Superficial Writer left a gold brick on his desk -- I'm gonna be rich!
Gold Bullion Wireless Mouse only looks like a million bucks [engadget]
Thanks to Julian and Oscar The Slouch, who are far too classy for those tuxedo-print t-shirts. Right guys? Right?
Mar 24 2009 Cool, I Want Some: Darth Vader Money
This is the way money looked a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Or, I dunno, as imagined by DeviantArt user Diablo2003. As you can see, Vader opted for a helmet-on shot, which I think we can all agree, was the smart decision. Nobody wants to see your crusty-ass rutabaga head on their space bucks!
Star Bucks: Darth Vader Money [uberreview]
Mar 8 2009 Yikes!: Scary Robo-Kid Is No Child Of Mine
The iCub is an iStupidly named robot-child created by the RobotCub Consortium in Italy (not to be confused with Opus Dei). He was designed to have the movement and learning capabilities of a three-year old child and a face only a mother could love. A really loving mother. A blind one with no ears or sense of feeling in her hands.
The iCub is able to crawl and walk, make human-like eye and head movements and recognise and grasp objects like a toddler, scientists say.
'It's hoped the iCub will develop its cognitive capabilities in the same way as a child, progressively learning about its own bodily skills, how to interact with the world and eventually how to communicate with other individuals.'
Oh man, it seems like only yesterday I first learning about my own "bodily skills". Awh yeah -- you know the one I'm talking about: I can pull my thumb back all the way!
Meet iCub - the robot that moves and learns like a child [dailymail]
and
Youtube
Thanks to Remo, Annie, Justin, Kyle and The Random Factor, who would never give birth to this thing.
Mar 4 2009 Cat Truck Designed To Pick Up Girls
This is a 1998 Dodge Truck that some guy heavily modded to look like a giant pink cat. A veritable kitty-magnet, if you will. It's currently for sale in Central Ottawa, Canada for $10K.
I have a dodge truck cut in half to make this cat mobile. It has a turbo charger, air intake, neons, aftermarket exhaust, headers and a cat body kit. Made to pick up GIRLS, THEY LOVE IT.
Of course they do. Wait -- didn't I see you circling the middle school?
1998 Dodge [usedottawa]
Thanks to Chris, who picks up chicks the way God intended: with a giant claw.
Feb 23 2009 You Need Help: Bella's Womb From Twilight
I never read or saw Twlight because I'm a pseudo-adult man with almost 1/2 my dignity intact (I saw Mamma Mia in the theater). To my credit though, I have seen Blade several times. Anway, some Twi-hard -- wait, they're actually calling themselves that? Yes, they are. Wow, I need to sit down for a minute. Whoa, office chair -- bad idea. Floor it is.
Oh yes, one creative (and creepy) Twilight fan actually took the time to felt together Bella's womb, complete with -- wait for it -- an actual felted mutant fetus inside! Who in their right mind does stuff like this? Seriously, who wakes up one day and says, "Ya know, I think I want to spend the next week or so recreating what Bella's womb would look like with a mutant fetus inside, and then maybe share it with fans on the internet ... because they'll of course think I'm, like, completely normal and stuff."
Why do I get the feeling whoever made this also put up a Craigslist ad asking for a vampire to impregnate her? I swear, what the hell's the matter with people? That said, I am 100% vampire. Baby, I will do you like it's 1499 and not hesitate one bite to put a sun-fearing baby in that ass. Just sayin, I pick and eat my own scabs.
Fan Made: Bella's Womb from 'Twilight' (aka Creepiest 'Fan Made' Ever) [cinematical]
Thanks to Jules, who doesn't want a vampire baby, just a little werewolf.
Feb 13 2009 Geeky Cars: I Can't (Floppy) Drive 55!
While this little gallery of cars undoubtedly showcases some seriously geeky automobiles, I don't know if they're the geekiest. I'd like to think the Zelda-mobile and the AeroCivic would be in the running for top prize. That said, I would still never be caught dead in one of these -- unless my bookie finally finds me. In which case, can a person harvest their own organs? Are ears worth anything?
Hit the jump for the rest.
Feb 2 2009 Fat Face: Face Slimmer Allegedy Slims Faces
First of all, I predicted the Steelers would win the Super Bowl in a post a couple weeks ago. So I am officially magic. And also, I have a fat face. So thank God for this Japanese face slimmer. It's basically a rubber mask you wear to pretend you're a homicidal cannibal and scare your family. It's similar to binding your feet, except it won't work. If you really want a slim face just man up and use a vice. It works -- I'm so handsome now the dog will play with me.
Japanese face slimmer will definitely not work as advertised [dvice]
Jan 26 2009 UPDATE: Gallery Of Sexy Stormtroopers
GALLERY SLIIIGHTLY NSFW FOR A FEW WOMEN IN CONSERVATIVE LINGERIE.
I have never been more confused by a picture in my entire life. I mean, WTF is going on there? I dunno, but it does remind me of the time I caught a creep trying to sniff my bicycle seat. So you know what I did? I rang my little bell and kept riding. BRRRING BRRRING!
Hit the jump for a bunch more "sexy" stormtroopers, a couple of which made my penis cry.
UPDATE: Couple more pictures added.
Dec 1 2008 Haha, I'm Rich!: Fiber Optic Placemats
The LumiTable table runner is made from woven fiber optic strands and glows while you dine in the dark. Available in a variety of hideous colors, each 63"x13" runner will set you back a costly $200, but is sure to get the neighbors talking. Talking about what a tacky freaking idiot you are. Seriously, the only people that eat in the dark are vampires. And if there's one thing I know about vampires, it's that I tried to stab myself to death with my nachos watching Twilight this weekend.
Luminous tablecloth adds an eerie glow to your dining experience [dvice]
Nov 26 2008 Israeli Software 'Beautifies' Ugly Faces
A group of Israeli computer scientists think they've developed a program that can beautify a human face based on the innate preferences humans have. As you can see from the "beautified" Mona Lisa there, they've failed. I could have done a better job in Microsoft Paint.
"We were able to fit a mathematical model to this set of data that we've gathered, namely the images that we showed to people and their responses in terms of the beauty scores that they chose to give to each image," said Lischinksi.
Um, dude? Your mathematical model blows monster dino-dick.
The team then applied the model to modify images so as to make them appear more attractive. They are now exploring a variety of potential commercial applications for the software, Lischinski said."This is something we're looking into," he said. It remains to be seen whether women would simply use the improved image as a guide to more effective makeup application or whether people take it to a plastic surgeon and say: "Make me look like that."
Ladies, this is such garbage -- you're all beautiful just the way you are. Especially naked. And I mean that.
Keep the pictures coming.
Hit the jump for a real human face comparison.
Continue Reading " Israeli Software 'Beautifies' Ugly Faces "
Nov 19 2008 Hentai-fied Lamborghini Does Nothing For Me
Hirohiko Yoshida, chairman of Japanese perverted-game maker Age Soft, went and pimped out his Lamborghini and Lancia Stratos with several of the hentai girls from the games that made him rich. Itashi is a growing fad in Japan, and consists of slathering one's car in manga characters. It's not the look I'd go for, but I also don't even own a Lamborghini, so who knows?
*God does, but he's stopped taking my calls. Jesus and I are still tight though, he just can't predict the future like his old man. Isn't that right, G? Now do that wine trick in the bathtub again.
Hit it for several more Itashi-ed cars, including, and pretty much limited to: the Lancia Stratos, an Alfa Romeo, and my mom's minivan.
Continue Reading " Hentai-fied Lamborghini Does Nothing For Me "
Nov 12 2008 It's The Future!: Gmail, Now With Video Chat
Truthfully, I only use Gmail and Gmail chat to communicate with two select individuals (you know who you are). But now, thanks to the marvel of modern technology, we can talk it up with streaming video. Oh happy day! You ever videochat with a blogger that's only left bed to let the dog out and eat three bowls of cereal? And on a side note: did that just make your loins tingle? Because it did mine. Just kidding, bed bugs.
Nov 4 2008 Move Over Hot Or Not: A Digital Face Analyzer
BAPA (Balanced Angular and Proportional Analysis) Web is a web-based facial analyzer that apparently determines if a person is attractive or not (for a fee). You know, based on balanced angular and proportional analysis. So if you have big lips and tiny eyes, you're screwed. If you have chiseled features and a wicked scar from a bar fight like I do, you're in. As long as the programmers were smart enough to take badass scars into consideration. Oh shit, and eyepatches. Also, I burnt my good eyebrow off cooking ramen the other night. I'm gonna go ahead and use a picture from a few years back.
UPDATE: The computer's smoking -- it's a sign!
UPDATE: The computer caught fire -- things are looking good!
UDPATE: The computer exploded -- I'm ugly :(
Product Page
Thanks to Antonia, who doesn't need a program to tell her she's smoking hot.
Sep 10 2008 Further Proof: Money Doesn't Buy Class
Thought the gold Porsche and Burberry Maserati were bad? How about a pink camo Bugatti Veyron? I know, I think I just shat in my mouth a little too. The Veyron (and green camo Rolls Royce Phantom after the jump!) are both owned by Nigo, the ban behind Japanese clothing line Bathing Ape. Fortunately, if there is such a thing as fortune in this case, the eye poison is actually the result of vinyl wraps (like the Maserati) so you can rip the hideous off before you sell it to someone else. Man, I can't wait till I'm a rich a-hole with no class. I've already got classless asshole down pat, now I just need the rich. I'm coming for you, bank!
Hit the jump for the camo Rolls and an unrelated camo Porsche.
Aug 26 2008 Move Over, Robot: Goblin Shark Is Scarier
Goblin sharks look scary as hell and are scary as hell. Sure they're only a couple feet long, but they're uglier than my sister and have tons of sharp little teeth. Watch the video around 0:20 to see how it's mouth comes out of its face Aliens style to munch on dude's arm. Also, a friend told me that's what a woman's vagina looks like.
Japanese Goblin Shark [collegehumor]
Thanks to Libby, who once punched a goblin shark in the mouth because it looked at her funny.
