Nov 20 2009 Google: Perfect For Searching AND Wiping

Google toilet paper: made with 100% virgin pulp and available in Vietnam. Per a questionable translation of the text on the bag: "Very long, soft, smooth. Of high vacuum, because you always!" HIGH VACUUM, OF COURSE I ALWAYS! Dingleberry free, just sayin'.

This Google's made from 100% Virgin pulp, not chrome [engadget]

Thanks to wes, who only wipes with Charmin because the dude's a bear.

Nov 5 2009 On This Day In History

In 1955, Doctor Emmet Lathrop Brown was standing on a toilet hanging a wall clock when he slipped and beat his head on the bathroom sink. Unconscious, Doc had a vision. And that vision was that of a flux capacitor -- the device that makes time travel possible. The rest, my friends, is history. Or should I say, future? Time travel joke!

Wiki Page

Thanks to Zach, who doesn't need roads where he's going.

Oct 30 2009 Making Not So Beautiful Music Together

Ever wanted a toilet seat that looks like a guitar? It's not high on my list of priorities either, but if you already have every other thing in the world maybe it's time for one. Jammin' Johns come in guitar and piano varieties and will set you back about $180. They go perfect in music themed bathrooms. Which -- oh God please tell me you don't have a themed bathroom. Unless it's beach themed, those are fine. I love the little shell soaps!

Hit the shot for another guitar and a shot of a piano.

Continue Reading " Making Not So Beautiful Music Together "

Aug 28 2009 Paper Art: Toilet Paper Roll Face Sculptures

Junior Fritz Jacquet is an artist that loves working with paper and has created a series of small masks by bending and folding empty toilet paper rolls. Good looking, Junior (we named the dog Indiana). I really think this is testament to the creativity of the human mind. It's amazing, you know? Junior here sees an empty toilet paper roll and thinks art. Me? I think, "damnit -- what hand's it gonna be this time?"

Hit the jump for a whole gallery of faces.

Continue Reading " Paper Art: Toilet Paper Roll Face Sculptures "

Aug 20 2009 About Time!: Glow In The Dark Toilet Paper

The pinnacle of human achievement: glow in the dark toilet paper. Finally, I can sleep at night...knowing that if I have to get up to go to the bathroom, I at least won't sit in the sink again. Or will I? I probably will. It's like a bidet!

Perfect for power cuts, this groovy glowing loo roll means that if you don't want to wake anyone up in your household by turning on the light, it'll cast its green glow over your bathroom, so you can find your way around.

Neat, but each roll will set you back $8 and change. And, as cool as glowing toilet paper is, I can't imagine you'd want something radioactive so close to your privates. I mean, who wants glowing children? Besides everybody! Which is exactly why I just wrapped my penis in a roll. See -- it looks like a mummy!

Product Site

Thanks to naas, who doesn't need glowing toilet paper to find his ass.

Jul 14 2009 Blown Off The Throne: Toilet Paper Prank

I'd never seen this prank before, but maybe you have. Regardless, it's awesome. Now I don't want to spoil it, but I love how the girl put a hidden camera in the bathroom TO FILM HER DAD USING THE JOHN. Because that's a healthy father/daughter relationship.

LiveLeak

Thanks to Towhee, who once got tape-measured off the john and hit her head on the bathtub and almost drowned. Pranks are dangerous, kids.

Jun 12 2009 Comfort Wipe: Holding Toilet Paper In Your Hand Is "Really Archaic And Disgusting"

The Comfort Wipe is an 18" arm extender/wad of toilet paper holder for use when you can't reach your own ass or don't like your digits coming into contact with your butthole (you're doing it wrong!). Interesting. Also, I want to know the "advantages" of being big the hefty dude is talking about. In all seriousness though, this really is a great product, I just recommend buying two (read: I lost one wiping hard).

Youtube

Thanks to Wilson and gizmoduck, who just use a handful of poison ivy fashioned to a stick because they're hardcore.

May 19 2009 Closer To The Action: Kneeling Pee Bench

The Tenshi no Hizamakura (Angels Knee Pillow) is a little bench designed to get men lower to the action and help prevent urine misplacement. No word if it actually comes with the flying pee genie in the picture, but that would pretty awesome if it did (and also a bargain at $60).

...according to the manufacturer, House Doctor, urinating into the toilet from a certain height results in hundreds of droplets of spray & splash being ejected from the bowl - yes, they actually COUNTED the droplets - and in Japanese households it's the wife who gets to perform the toilet cleaning services.

Ha, maybe America and Japan aren't so different after all. Get it? Because the women do the cleaning here too! Isn't that right, honey? Honey? HONEY?! Shit. Note to self: rerun singles ad. Bigger penis this time.

Hit the jump for a couple more shots of the questionableness that I'll never need because I always sit down.

Continue Reading " Closer To The Action: Kneeling Pee Bench "

May 18 2009 I've Seen It All Now: A Twittering Toilet

That's right folks, a toilet that Twitters every time it's flushed. Because if that's not a sign of the apocalypse, what is? Your mom making out with a robot. Oh, I thought you were asking. What do you mean I said it? LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! Now, where were we? Right, a Twittering toilet.

@ last user: Great, you clogged me -- about to overflow. Shit on your floor commencing in 3...2...

Twitter Page
via
Twitter Toilet Tweets Your Poo [gizmodo]

Thanks to Julian, clownpounder and Dogless, who don't need Twitter to tell them they should feel two pounds lighter.

Apr 30 2009 Good Eats: A Whole Chicken In A Can

Hungry? Yeah, but are you whole chicken in a can hungry? That's right folks, Sweet Sue's Canned Whole Chicken (without giblets) is an entire cooked chicken in a can (a big one). Equally perfect for camping trips or throwing up everywhere! Hit the jump to see an uncanning in progress, which will leave you wondering why you've ever eaten anything else. Then go get one. You'll be doubled over on the bathroom floor with the runs quicker than you can say "I think I ate the asshole"! Bon Appétit!

Hit it for the uncanning. Really makes me want one.

Continue Reading " Good Eats: A Whole Chicken In A Can "

Mar 13 2009 Quattro Technology Toilet Flushes Anything

Sure the St Thomas Creations Toilet with Quattro Flushing technology can flush 2.5 lbs of baby carrots, 4 whole plastic chess sets, 3 lbs of large gummi bears, 18 large hot dogs, 78 plastic letter and number refrigerator magnets, 3.5 lbs of grapes, 20 golf balls and 3.5 lbs of dog food, but what about a turd?

The World's Most Flushingest Toilet [presurfer]

Thanks to Romeo, who once flushed an elephant down a toilet and it remembers.

Jan 29 2009 No, Nuh-Uh, No Way: The Robo-Urinal

Allegedly this robo-urinal holds your junk while you pee. For once in my life I'm really praying it's a Photoshop job or some really sick art project. You know the rule about having at least a urinal of separation between you and another dude in the bathroom? Well there are not enough urinals in the world to safely separate you from this thing. I wouldn't even feel safe pissing in the women's room sink.

Oh Hell No [tinypic]

Thanks to NinjaMuffin, who can melt enemies like butter on his top.

Jan 9 2009 Pre & Post Dump Weighing: The Toilet Scale

The Toilet Scale was designed by Haikun Deng so you can weigh yourself while using the john. Personally, I like to sit down while I pee. I'm not sure why I just shared that. Anway, the only problem is you have to make sure your feet aren't touching the ground while it's weighing, or it won't work. So you have to kick your legs out in front of you. Which, let's be honest, we all do anyways. One time I kicked the towel-bar off the wall! This scale is perfect for determining the weight of turds so you can brag to your friends about them later. Wow, a six pounder -- somebody call Guinness! Seriously, I think this warrants a free beer.

Hit the jump for another picture and a little comic of a rabbit sitting on a toilet, in case you've always wanted to see that.

Continue Reading " Pre & Post Dump Weighing: The Toilet Scale "

Jan 8 2009 New Space Toilet Ready To Drop (!) In 2014

The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) believe they've solved the age-old problem of how to shit in space.

The current ISS toilet is a Russian-built, western-style commode that sucks waste away like a vacuum cleaner. Use of that toilet requires practice before heading to space, particularly because an improperly seated user has the potential to create a messy situation.

Clean and easy to use, the envisioned space toilet is designed to be worn like a diaper around the astronaut's waist at all times. Sensors detect when the user relieves him or herself, automatically activating a rear-mounted suction unit that draws the waste away from the body through tubes into a separate container. In addition to washing and drying the wearer after each use, the next-generation space toilet will incorporate features that eliminate unwanted sound and odor.

No offense, JAXA, but that sounds a little like overkill. Here's a much simpler and cost effective solution: shit yo pants! Then put them in a bag, and throw them out the nearest air-lock. Extra points for hitting a passing UFO.

Next-generation space toilet ready in five years [pinktentacle

Thanks to abovedefault and Praveen, who don't need vacuum-diapers because they digest everything. That's right, everything. Even gum.

Dec 11 2008 Wrong, Just Plain Wrong: The TwoDaLoo

The TwoDaLoo is a toilet made for two. Just the thought of it disgusts me.

The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station.

Oh yeah, because a "modest privacy wall" makes it all okay. WTF! Available now for wholesale, the units cost $1,400 apiece and the minimum order is 12. So yeah, you ever shit out in the open with 23 other people before? *sniffle* God, I miss college.

Product Page

Thanks Tali, like they say: a family that shits together, uh, starts to look at each other differently.

Oct 8 2008 Prevent Drunk Emailing: Google Mail Goggles

Google recently unveiled a Gmail application that may help prevent drunk emailing. When in use, the program requires a potential emailer to solve a few mathematical problems before the message can be sent. Pretty clever, now make something similar for cell phones and we'll be set. Or you can just subscribe to The Geekologie Writer's method of drunk messaging prevention -- dropping your phone in the pisser when you're trying to text. I touched a urinal cake with my finger!

Google's Mail Goggles Prevents Drunk Emailing [wired]

Thanks to The Superficial Writer and DJ LIBOR, who both probably regret sending this tip.

Sep 18 2008 'Toilet Paper Researchers' Develop 3-Ply TP

First of all, what in the hell is a 'toilet paper researcher', and how do I become one? Secondly, this is ridiculous. I've been wiping with the comics for years, and let me tell you -- you could probably read Garfield on my buttcheeks.

Yes, there is such a thing as a toilet-paper researcher. And a team of them at Georgia Pacific's Innovation Institute in Neenah has come up with a three-ply version of its Quilted Northern product.

The new product will be launched Monday. The company touts the toilet tissue as "ultra-soft" and says it plans to market the product to women 45 and older who view their bathroom as a "sanctuary for quality time."

Hey, I'm not 45+ or female, but I'm all for a "sanctuary of quality time". I spend countless hours in my cozy fortress of solitude. It even has a bidet. I've been using it for a couple months and, honest to God, I haven't gotten a single cavity. Yay fluoride!

Toilet-Paper Researchers Create 3-Ply Tissue [livescience]
via
"Toilet Paper Researchers" Create 3-Ply Tissue [gizmodo]

Thanks to Emma, who, in the world of comfy toilet paper, would be like 12-ply

Sep 17 2008 Under The Sea: Fish 'N Flush Toilet Aquarium

The Fish 'N Flush is a 2.5 gallon aquarium that replaces your regular ceramic tank. It consists of two pieces: the actual fill tank, and the aquarium, which surrounds the fill tank for the "fish in your toilet" effect. It costs $300 and is great for pocket fishermen and people who can't keep pet fish alive (comes conveniently located atop a fish cemetery). But for the love of God, DO NOT sell one to this kid, that's just asking for it. I want one though. The only problem is you don't get to enjoy the aquarium while you're sitting on the john. Unless...

UPDATE: You ever tried straddling a toilet? I shat on the floor!

Two more pictures and a video of the flushing in action after the jump.

Continue Reading " Under The Sea: Fish 'N Flush Toilet Aquarium "

Aug 6 2008 Hail Explodes Out Of Man's Toilet While In Use

Austrian man Martin Bierbauer was minding his own business, you know, getting his crap on, possibly flipping through a magazine or dirty joke book, when KA-BOOM! -- he was ass-blasted off the toilet by a barrage of hailstones from the shitty depths.

"I heard the pipes rumbling a bit, and suddenly hailstones the size of golf balls started exploding out of the toilet like it was a popcorn machine. There was an avalanche of ice that quickly filled the toilet, then the entire flat, and eventually the entire building. I ran down the stairs with the hailstones following me, and other residents did the same."

The incident at the block of flats in Eisenstadt, the capital of the province of Burgenland, was caused by hailstones flooding into a local drain during a torrential downpour, which became blocked.

Local council spokesman Wolfgang Leinner said: "The pressure was too great, the hailstones had to go somewhere and they came out through the toilets it seems."

Haily shit.

Toilet rained giant hailstones to fill building [austriantimes]

Thanks to Kevin, who was using the john once when a Gremlin reached up and grabbed his balls.

Jul 31 2008 OLD!: Tracing The World's Oldest Jokes

The University of Wolverhampton recently published a list of the 10 oldest jokes, and #1 dates all the way back to 1900 BC. It, unsurprisingly, was toilet humor.

It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."

Oh man, that's disgusting. I don't even get it but it still sounds nasty.

Joke #2 came from nearly 300 years later.

A 1600 BC gag about a pharaoh, said to be King Snofru, comes second -- "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

Oh man, I totally want to be a pharaoh. I was a little surprised there weren't any caveman jokes, but apparently they weren't very funny (like yours truly).

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the bawdy face of the Anglo-Saxons -- "What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? Answer: A key."

More like "what barely hangs past a man's pubic hair". Am I right, guys? No? Just me? Damn. Seriously though, I just wrote a joke. What do you call a woman that makes you wait until marriage to have sex because she secretly has a penis? Just my luck. HIYO!

And yes, I added Drew from Office Space to the picture.

World's oldest joke traced back to 1900 BC [yahoonews]