Nov 1 2009 Please Stop Breaking Into My Car: "Try Again And I'll Go Gordon Freeman On Your Ass"

Some poor bastard, fed up with his car being broken into, decided to leave this passive aggressive note for the thieves. And not only does he reference Half-Life, THE DUDE KEEPS AN OCARINA IN HIS CAR. ZOMG, do you think he's Link?! Yeah, me neither.

Also, to guy's credit, I added the asterisk to his signature. DUDE MEANS BUSINESS.

Picture

Thanks to gabby, who would have booby trapped the car with Goron bombs.

Sep 18 2009 Whee: Now You Can Kanye-Ify Any Website

It was only a matter of time before somebody did this. Because when I was watching the VMA's live from the back of the auditorium through the scope of a sniper rifle, I was wondering how long it would take after the Taylor Swift incident (I love you, Taylor -- you belong with me! Creepily) for somebody to make a Kanye-ify website. Apparently four days. Or maybe sooner, but I just found out about it yesterday. Just add http://kanyelicio.us/ to the front of any URL and presto: jackass everywhere!

Kanyelicio.us

Thanks to ViLLaiN, who is working on a Geekologie-ify website. Hell yes, ViLLaiN! I don't care if you are evil, you're a-okay in my book. And to Adam, who used kanyethis.com to make THIS little number. Jerk.

Sep 3 2009 How To Rob An Apple Store In 31 Seconds

Just like this. IN 31 seconds the thieves made off with 23 Macbook Pro's, 14 iPhones and 9 iPod Touch. Wow. And did anybody else find it annoying how the reporter was speaking during the video? "Watch again as the thieves show skilled practice at bringing down that plate glass door. And savvy enough to wear masks knowing there would be surveillance cameras ALL OVER THE PLACE." Skilled practice, really? THEY THREW A BRICK THROUGH A GLASS DOOR. "Savvy enough to wear masks"? Jesus, it's not like they trained pigeons to rob the store, they tied bandannas around their faces and this guy thinks they're criminal masterminds.

How to Rob an Apple Store [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Greg, Gino, Sarah and The Superficial Writer, who could have done it in 29 seconds AND snagged a couple iPhone cases.

Aug 20 2009 Not Worth It: Shop Keeper Fights Laptop Away From Thief WHILE AVOIDING PEWs

This is a video of a shop keeper in Mexico fighting his laptop away from two would be thieves while being shot at. Now I'm not saying this guy has cojones de oro, but I am saying he must have some seriously illegal shit on that laptop.

Store Clerk Dodges Bullet to Keep His Laptop From Getting Stolen [gizmodo]

Jul 15 2009 That's It, Disney -- Prepare To Be Sued!

Typically I don't post movie posters because that's IWatchStuff's job, but I'm making an exception in this case because DISNEY STOLE GEEKOLOGIE'S TAGLINE. You think you can just change "awesome" to "guinea pigs" (which, incidentally are a synonym for awesome) and get away with it? THINK AGAIN, YOU DIRTY RODENT! Now, which one of you wants to call Disney and pretend to be a lawyer? Somebody with a deep voice.

G-FORCE movie poster [disneydreaming]

Thanks to Ben, who pleads guilty to dead sexiness.

Jul 2 2009 Mom Knowingly Helps Pawn Stolen Wii

Two quality parenting posts in a row, whee (literally this time)! Apparently some kids stole a Wii and then had their mom pawn the console so they could split the money. You'll have to excuse me, I'm getting a little choked up just thinking about the quality bonding time they must have spent in the car on the way to the pawnshop.

Police have already arrested 18-year-old Joshua Carter, 16-year-old Patrick Early, and 13-year-old Derrick Henson on felony charges for stealing a neighbor's Nintendo Wii video game system.

However, Early admitted to police that his mom, 41-year-old Maxine Law, helped the teens sell the Wii at a local pawn shop even though she knew it was stolen.

Wow, stealing from the neighbors. That's almost as bad as the time I stole my own watch from myself....
....
....
HEY -- GIVE ME THAT BACK!

Kids Steal Wii, Mom Arrested After Pawning It [wftv]

Thanks to GLiTCH, who once stole a woman's heart. Grody.

May 8 2009 Computer Repairman Breaks Into Office, Steals Hard Drive, Charges To Fix It

Kevin Andrew Lutes (28, of 2121 Cypress Road, Bethlehem, PA) is probably the best computer repairman ever. EVER.

Lutes, who had fixed computers for Action Realty in the past, was called the day after the break-in to repair the broken computer's hard drive. He told the owner he could retrieve her lost data and files.

Meanwhile, the owner of the company called the computer manufacturer, who told her it was impossible to retrieve the data without the hard drive. Police then discovered Lutes' car, with a computer repair sticker on the door, was seen parked in front of the office on the night of the break-in.

On Friday, Lutes brought the computer back with all the lost data and tried to charge the company $50 an hour for 40 hours of work.

Wow, $2,000 to return the computer you stole, that's just good business if you ask me. Get the Better Business Bureau on the phone, I think somebody in Bethlehem deserves a medal. It's baby Jesus!

Computer repairman charged with theft [morningcall]

Thanks to John and Reanda, a married couple who Geekologie together. Nice, guys, I like your style.

Apr 7 2009 Man Finds Card Number Skimmer Attached To ATM, Removes, Takes Pictures, Internets

A man, Dan we'll call him, because that's his name (or is it? Allegedly it is), visited a Washington Mutual ATM to get some money. Pretty normal story so far, right? Did I mention he was wearing a dinosaur costume? He wasn't -- but you're right, that would have added a sexy twist. Well, when Danald was about to stick his junk in the machine, he noticed something fishy -- the junk receptacle just didn't feel right. So he ripped it off and, HIYO, a card skimmer! For those of you not in on the government conspiracy, skimmers are used to steal your credit card numbers and join adult websites. *ahem* So I've heard. Seriously though, I don't need technology to score women's numbers. Here, watch me work my magic on this chick.

Hey good lookin', what's your name? Oooh, Jenny, I like that. I'm Dick Dragon. I write Geekologie -- maybe you've heard of it? G-E-E-K-O-L-O-G-I-E. It's a website. Just Myspace, huh? Well listen -- you wanna come back to my place later and play strip Risk? No? Well how about you write your number down on this bar napkin anyways. Whoa, you actually did. 867-5309, I'll be calling you later. *wink*

A Man Finds an Actual Card Skimmer in the Wild, in the Flesh [gizmodo]

Apr 3 2009 Angry Villagers Chase Off Street View Car

A group of angry villagers in Broughton, England chased off a Google Street View car because they feared an invasion of privacy and increased crime in the area.

"I was upstairs when I spotted the camera car driving down the lane," resident Paul Jacobs told The Times of London. "My immediate reaction was anger: How dare anyone take a photograph of my home without my consent? I ran outside to flag the car down and told the driver he was not only invading our privacy but also facilitating crime.

"This is an affluent area. We've already had three burglaries locally in the past six weeks. If our houses are plastered all over Google it's an invitation for more criminals to strike. I was determined to make a stand, so I called the police."

Just to be fair, I broke into Mr. Jacob's home and stole his valuables and last bowl of cereal just to prove that, even without Street View, The Geekologie Writer will still rob you blind. But seriously, Paul, if you could pick up some more Raisin Nut Bran, that would be awesome.

Gang of villagers chase away Google car [cnn]

Thanks to Brad, who once chased a Google Street View car six blocks before he realized it was a pizza delivery guy.

Apr 2 2009 Today's Awesome Failure Award Goes To....

Well, actually, it's a tie. First, a liquor store robber who probably had his mommy drive him there while he finished his juice box.

Police say a 19-year-old who tried to rob a liquor store sat down and cried after 76-year-old owner locked him in the store. The man was accused of trying to rob Sykes Liquor Store in Trenton Monday night. Police said the owner, who was behind the counter, triggered the lock after the man grabbed a bottle of Hennessy cognac and bolted for the door.

The man then allegedly pulled out a handgun and demanded to be released. But the owner said he saw that the gun was a fake, refused to unlock the door and called police.

Police said the suspect threw away the gun, slumped to the floor and was crying when officers arrived to arrest him.

Wow, that is both sad and awesome at the same time. Kind of like the first time I had sex, but without the -- oh wait, he was crying. Yep, exactly like that then. Next, an idiotic failure at life who called 911 after "locking" herself in her car.

A woman called Kissimmee police to say she was locked inside her car at the Walgreen's on John Young Parkway near Poinciana.

"My car will not start. I'm locked inside my car," the unidentified woman said. "Nothing electrical works. And it's getting very hot in here, and I'm not feeling well."

The dispatcher asked the woman if she was able to manually pull the lock up on the door. The woman said she would try, and then, she said, "Yes, I got the door open."

Can we please get that woman's license revoked? And also, oxygen supply. If only she hadn't gotten reception....damn you, Verizon network!

Man cries after attempt to rob liquor store fails [yahoonews]
and
Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car [orlandosentinel]

Thanks to Joemo and Jason, who have never cried because when they feel a tear coming they just punch themselves in the eye until it goes away.

Mar 30 2009 Students Attempt Dinosaur Theft, Fail

A group of students, celebrating the end of a school course, decided to steal a life-size triceratops replica from the Dinosaur Museum in Dorchester, England. Unfortunately, they didn't get very far before being stopped by the man. Which is a shame, because I would have bought it from them on the black market.

Deciding to relocate it in the middle of a roundabout as a joke, they set about lifting the 20ft long and 10ft tall plastic triceratops. But just as they carried it off above their heads into the night, they were stopped in their tracks by a policeman.

The revellers were ordered to take the dinosaur back immediately otherwise they would have been arrested for theft and criminal damage.

The Dinosaur Museum in Dorchester is packed full of life-sized reconstructions of dinosaurs, alongside skeletons and fossils.

The museum's website says the models 'beg to be touched by little hands - and that is encouraged, as is the handling of some of the dinosaur fossils.'

What the? *booking flight to England* Hello, Dinosaur Museum? Yes, I was wondering about the possibility of renting out your facility for a private party. Number of guests? One. Also, is there a pharmacy nearby? I'm gonna need some lube. Oooh, and boner pills.

Hit the jump for one more of the sexy shenanigans.

Continue Reading " Students Attempt Dinosaur Theft, Fail "

Feb 4 2009 Klingon Robs 7-11 With Traditional Sword

Klingons: they can't be trusted. Proof positive: some mountain-head has been running around Colorado Springs robbing 7-11's with a BetleH, the traditional Klingon sword.

The first robbery was reported at 1:50 a.m., at 145 N Spruce St. The clerk told police a white male in his 20s, wearing a black jacket, blue jeans and wearing a black mask, entered the store with a sword.

A half hour later, police received a call from a 7-Eleven at 2407 N Union Blvd, where a male matching the previous description entered the store with a sword. He also demanded money from the store clerk. The clerk did not give him any money and the suspect left the store on foot.

Both clerks described the weapon as a Star Trek Klingon type sword, called a "BetleH."

Haha, and that highschool guidance counselor said you couldn't land a job based on extensive Star Trek knowledge. Screw you, Ms. Bench, who's laughing now?!

Man Robs Convenience Stores With Klingon Sword [thedenverchannel]

Thanks to Hector, who once robbed an Exxon station with one of their own pump handles.

Jan 27 2009 Spider Robot Shoots Webs, Catches Criminals

This spider-inspired robot apparently shoots webs to catch criminals in the act of cowering like little girls. Per translated German:

Which like an ugly remote controlled car is in really an awake robot, which is to catch burglars, looks harmless. The Japanese robot manufacturer Tmsuk and the safety enterprise Alacom developed the prototype of the T-34 of robot mentioned.

I have no idea what that means but I think what they were trying to get at is if this thing actually catches you, you're probably the worst burglar ever. Or a magic goat. Probably a magic goat.

Spiderman-Robocop fängt Menschen [stern]

Thanks to Dirk, who once had the opportunity to prevent a liquor store robbery but used the opportunity to guzzle a bottle of wine while the clerk was distracted.

Jan 27 2009 WTF?: 'Magic Goat' Arrested For Robbery

That's right folks, the authorities in Nigeria have arrested a magic goat (which may or may not be a tree goat) suspected of theft and are waiting for the crafty bastard to return to its human form.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat"

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said.

Now I want a magic goat. I'd go on tour with Willy Wonk-eye and become the world's greatest magician -- and lover. Sorry ladies, that's goat lover.

Goat detained over armed robbery [yahoonews]

Thanks to Deathbat, marty and ray, who all managed to escape detection in the women's locker room by turning into towels. Lucky bastards! Except for you ray, that chick was ugly.

Jan 7 2009 Robot Is Stolen, Don't Look At Me *whistling*

Somebody went and stole a robot! Can you believe it? That's just wrong! I am outraged.

The Washington County (Oregon) Sheriff's Office said physics professor Erik Sanchez reported the theft Monday.

He said he felt sick Sunday and mistakenly left his sport utility vehicle unlocked overnight with the robot inside outside his home in the 6000 block of S.W. 205th Ave. in Aloha.

The robot is 29 inches long, 19 inches high and about 23 inches wide. It is valued at $5,000 and was donated to Sanchez by the manufacturer, Parallax Incorporated, for use as a teaching tool in one of his classes. The robot is called the "Propeller Quadrover," and it is strong enough to pull a pickup truck.

What in the hell is the matter with people? Who steals a physics professor's robot? Hey, why are you looking at me like that? No, you can't take a look around my garage. WAIT, STOP! Uh, uh-oh -- I've never seen that thing before in my life!

Search is on for valuable missing robot [katu]

Thanks to Nolan, who straight up accused me of stealing that bitch.

Dec 17 2008 Smart: Stolen XBox Located Using Controller

A Missouri State student returned to his dorm room only to find his XBox 360 had been stolen. But one of the controllers had been left, and was still picking up a signal. So, using the peripheral, the gamer was able hone in on the stolen console.

Ketsenburg, who lives in Hutchens House, said that after his Xbox was stolen, he turned on his wireless Xbox controller and found that it was still connecting to his Xbox. Based on this discovery, Ketsenburg said he realized that his Xbox must be nearby, he said.

The controller connected to the Xbox on the fourth, fifth and sixth floors of Hutchens but not on the third floor and seventh floor, so through process of elimination, Ketsenburg said he figured out that the stolen Xbox must be on the fifth floor.

Following the controller's signal, Ketsenburg said he was able to pinpoint the room where his Xbox was stolen.

The 5th floor resident assistant checked the alleged room where the stolen Xbox was and was able to find the Xbox, Ketsenburg said.

Oh man, that's great. The thief is being expelled and Ketsenburg, despite a reformatted hard-drive, is happy to have the XBox back. I swear, if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a thief. Which might sound hypocritical seeing how I just stole your heart. Admit it, you love me!

Wireless Controller Helps Recover Stolen 360 [kotaku]

Thanks to Saint Kevin, who once saw a man steal a woman's purse so he tripped the guy and kicked him in the throat until police arrived.

Nov 30 2008 Gay Penguins Steal Eggs From Straight Couples, Get Proposition 8'ed By Zoo

Two gay penguins at Polar Land in Harbin, China have been stealthily stealing eggs from straight couples and replacing them with rocks. Brilliant!

But the deception has been noticed by other penguins at the zoo, who have ostracized the gay couple from their group. Now keepers have decided to segregate the pair of three-year-old male birds to avoid disrupting the rest of the community during the hatching season.

"One of the responsibilities of being a male adult is looking after the eggs. Despite this being a biological impossibility for this couple, the natural desire is still there," a keeper told the Austrian Times newspaper.

"It's not discrimination. We have to fence them separately, otherwise the whole group will be disturbed during hatching time," he added.

Not discrimination my ass. Next thing you know the couple won't even be allowed to marry. Seriously, I have had it up to here *raising arm as high over head as possible* with this nonsense. Penguins are people too, you know? And wow, my pits smell like chili-dogs with lots of chopped onion. F***ing love those things. Gay penguins too. Pittsburgh, eh, not so much.

Gay penguins steal eggs from straight couples [telegraph]

Thanks to Matt, who allegedly saw a turtle threesome at the zoo once.

Nov 21 2008 Yarrr, Doubloons!: Live Pirate Map Shows You Where The Plundering Is Going Down

Pirates, they used to wear cool hats. Now? Not so much. But you can still check out their exploits on the International Maritime Bureau's "live piracy map" (based on Google Maps). You know, to see where the booty's being plundered.

Just drill down by using the zoom slider, and click on a flag to see what kind of crime took place. All are labeled with the type of ship, as well as whether the pirates successfully hijacked it or merely boarded. Certain areas, like this one off the coast of East Africa, are pirate paradises. The seas around Singapore and Malaysia are also packed with pirates.

You know where else is packed with pirates? My pants. Isn't that right you little swashbuckling bastards? Haha, just kidding -- they're crabs. I still gave them pirate names though. Stop it Captain Clawhands, that tickles!

Hit the jump for one more map and a link to interactive version in case you can't find the one I cleverly hid in the text of the post.

Continue Reading " Yarrr, Doubloons!: Live Pirate Map Shows You Where The Plundering Is Going Down "

Nov 20 2008 7-Legged Spider Drawing Sells On eBay

Remember my personal hero David Thorne and his seven-legged spider drawing that was idiotically refused as payment for a $233.95 bill? Well the spider just sold on eBay -- for $10,000. And guess who won? This guy. *pointing at self* Ow, my eye. But yeah, I thought about just printing out a copy of the drawing, but then decided that would be immoral. Because I don't steal things -- except women's hearts! I keep them in a cooler full of ice and sell them on the black market. "Hearts! Get your hearts here! Also, ice cold beer."

UPDATE: Somebody on eBay is now selling accessories for seven and eight-legged spider drawings. Hit the jump to see their Santa hat and Buddhist's robe.

Continue Reading " 7-Legged Spider Drawing Sells On eBay "

Sep 18 2008 KITT Stolen During Publicity Event In Canada

Allegedly KITT, from the new Knight Rider series, was stolen during a publicity event in Toronto last week. I call FAKE and VIRAL.

The car was making a stop in Toronto for a publicity stunt in front of Union Station on Front Street. The car was being unloaded from its transport trailer for a crowd of onlookers. When its handler turned her back for a moment, a man darts from the median, jumps into the still-running ride, and peels off heading East on Front Street.

Apparently the car has yet to be found, and to date has not been exposed as a publicity stunt. I call complete and utter shenanigans. Regardless, I'm sure KITT will turn himself on and return to Mike's side any minute now.

UPDATE: Yep, aaaaaany minute now....

UPDATE: FAXOR! (thanks Giblet, now get your buddy Gravy over here and we'll have ourselves a feast)

Knight Rider's KITT Stolen in Toronto [themovieblog]

Thanks to Arthur and Ray, who once beat KITT in a potato sack race.