Sep 22 2009 Idiot Moron Uses 600K Text Messages/Month

Some idiot moron, in an effort to become the world's biggest failure at life, used 662,258 text messages on his iPhone in a month. Plus the jerkbag got the 12,301 page itemized bill sent to him, so he doesn't even care about trees. I did the math, and it comes out to sending a text message just about every 4 seconds, all day every day. So I assume there was some sort of automated program involved. Also, a monster douche.

Hit the jump for two videos of the idiot looking at his bill.

Continue Reading " Idiot Moron Uses 600K Text Messages/Month "

Aug 13 2009 Why Not?: Send A Text Message To Aliens

HelloFromEarth.net is a website where you can submit text messages to be broadcast to Gliese 581d, a planet 20-light years away that may or may not support life (but 100% does). You have until the 24th of the month to submit your texts. Aaaaaaand here are some awful examples of why the aliens are gonna come kill us all.

Come here and take me with us. Here everyone is crazy.

Ever heard of Jesus? He's pretty awesome. Yay space travel!

... hi....... hehehehehhehehehehee (runs off giggling like a little school girl at lunch over a cute boy)

Of course, not everyone can be an idiot moron, so thankfully there were a couple people who actually know how to talk to aliens.

You are cordially invited to an Interplanetary BBQ. 6.00pm, 4th October, 2452 at my place BYO Meat and Beer. RSVP: Year 2100 Cheers

Junjun, I love you forever. Although we are different and our love is not accepted by others,I cant stop loving you.I want to share my dream with you forever.

Hell yeah, Junjun, get you some! Share that dream. Share it ALL. NIGHT. LONG.

HelloFromEarth

Thanks to Katie and Harsh, who accidentally sexted the aliens. Nice going, guys (forward them to me).

Jul 15 2009 Geekologie: Legit News Source Cited By CNN

This is the part of the day where I toot my own horn *BLAAAAAT!* because Geekologie is so awesome. So, you remember the post about the texting teen that fell into a manhole? Well CNN cited Geekologie (action is at 0:30) in a television news story about the incident. SHAZAM! Now who's a legitimate news source? This site. Oh, breaking story! -- Geekologie Writer named world's greatest lover. Run with it, CNN.

Texting Accidents: Running Into Posts, Tangled In Dog Leashes [huffingtonpost]

Thanks to Jonathan, who saw the report in the airport and nearly lost his luggage.

Jul 13 2009 Idiot Moron Falls Into Manhole While Texting

Teenager Alexa Longueira fell into a manhole while texting and walking. And I think we can all agree: under no circumstances should she be granted a license.

She was walking along Victory Boulevard about to read a text message on her girlfriend's cell phone when the sidewalk was suddenly gone.

"Like, there was no warning about a big, open hole," she said.

It was a big, open manhole.

Alexa tumbled six feet underground and landed in four inches of raw sewage.

Warning? You don't need a warning IT'S A GIANT HOLE. I bet at least six blind people avoided it that very same day. And what was the other thing? Oh yeah -- I hope Master Splinter and the gang whipped your ass while you were down there.

Texting teen falls into manhole [abclocal]

Thanks to Slopez, who fought off three ninjas and two vikings while sending me this tip via SMS.

May 23 2009 Uh-Oh: Parents Catching On To Text Talk

Can you believe it? Parents are actually breaking the code of "secret" text speak that teenagers use to talk dirty to one another and make plans to *gasp* smoke the marijuana.

Ever wondered what the secret codes that teenagers are bashing out on mobile phones and computers mean?

Well, wonder no more.

A list of the top 50 acronyms that every parent should know has been compiled and posted onto the internet, MyFox Atlanta reports.

According to the list, a "Code 9" or "CD9" means that parents are nearby.

The words "I love you" can often be difficult for people to say, but the latest way around is by simplifying the phrase to "143".

143 -- really? I'm pretty sure people have has been using that since before Shakespeare. I mean, I used to use that shit in grade school when we only had pagers. Damn yeah I sold drugs!

Hit the jump for the top 50 "must know" phrases.

Continue Reading " Uh-Oh: Parents Catching On To Text Talk "

May 2 2009 On Camera: Bus Driver Crashes While Texting

He's not just driving any bus either, he's sporting that short joint (see man in wheelchair tethered in the back). Jesus. Dude texts for six minutes straight before finally rear-ending somebody. You'd think being on camera would be enough to deter this sort of behavior, but no, it's not. This is almost as bad as your middle school bus driver drinking and smoking the whole ride. Miss you Mrs. Wright! Madison County (AL) Public Schools Bus #114 FTW!

Bus Driver Crashes While Texting [break]

Thanks to Brandon, who once piloted a bus off a cliff but downshifted right before he hit the ground and drove off without a scratch.

Apr 22 2009 Two Pennsylvania Men Set Texting Record

That's right, in a bid to be crowned the world's biggest losers, Nick Andes, 29 and Doug Klinger, 30, sent over 217,000 text messages during the month of March. Also, Nick was mistakenly sent a $27K phone bill (which has since been cleared up) for the textacular achievement. You two must be so proud.

Andes and Klinger were able to set up their phones to send multiple messages. During a February test run they found they could send 6,000 or 7,000 messages on some days, prompting the March messaging marathon.

"Most were either short phrases or one word, 'LOL' or 'Hello,' things like that, with tons and tons of repeats," said Andes, reached by phone.

Andes sent more than 140,000 messages, and Klinger sent more than 70,000 to end the month with a total of just over 217,000, he said.

Wow, that has got to be one of the saddest things I've ever copy/pasted. And this is coming from a guy who copy/pasted a picture of a smushed cat all around town to encourage people to drive slower. So yeah, I'm the authority. Now -- up against the wall and spread em! Wider. Haha, you ripped your pants.

Record attempt reaps 217K texts, $26K phone bill [myway]

Thanks to Thumperchica, who agrees some records are best left unbroken.

Mar 21 2009 Sad: Text Messages For The Friendless

Fiona Carswell is a friendless hag who lives in the woods and tries to entice children into her gingerbread house to eat them. Just kidding, I'm sure she's cool and has tons of friends. But that didn't stop her from designing 'Cell Stickies', which are electro-static stickers with fake text messages you stick on your iPhone when you're feeling down. Because let's face it, nothing boosts one's spirit like catching yourself sticking a fake text message sticker on your cell phone. Am I right? Oooh -- a text. "You are right. As usual." Haha, just as I thought! And here comes another! "You gave me herpes." Shit.

Cell Stickies For The Truly Delusional [ohgizmo]

Jan 23 2009 Help Prevent Carpal Tunnel With Awethumb!

This video is chock-full of slanderous lies and half-truths about the dangers of texting in an attempt to sell you little plastic thimbles to slip on your thumbs when using your cell phone. I'm only posting it because 1. I can't believe these pieces of shit and 2. I just love hearing the guy say "AWETHUMB!", particularly at 0:22 and the very end. $11.50 gets you "2 Small & 2 Large Awethumbs and a Microfiber Storage Pouch that Doubles as a Cleaning Cloth". $18.50 gets you everything mentioned above and an Awethumb handjob.

Product Page

Thanks to Mother B, who doesn't need Awethumbs, because they're stupid.

Jan 16 2009 Oh Wow -- An Even Worse Text-Messager

Remember the story earlier in the week about the girl that sent 14,528 text messages in a month? Well, it turns out she's not the only daughter I'd lock in the basement. Emilee Cox, a 14 year old from Clermont, Florida, sent and received 35,463 texts in a single month. Which, granted, were probably only half actually sent messages. But still, get a life. The best part of the interview:

Haha. Your dad was supposed to email me a picture of you to use. Do you know if he found one?
Uhm idk i think my sister is sending him one.

Got the photos. You are 14, right?
Yes i am.

Wow, even I found that creepy. Anybody else get the feeling the interviewer was at least partially responsible for Willy Wonka's third-quarter earnings?

Full text message interview with Clermont teen who had 35,463 text messages in a month [orlandosentinel]

Thanks to Jessica, who won't return my texts. WHAT'D I DO!?

Jan 12 2009 Girl Sends 14,528 Text Messages In A Month

Reina Hardesty, 13, sent 14,528 text messages last month alone. That's a lot. I wonder if she has carpal tunnel. Or really swollen thumbs.

The online AT&T statement ran 440 pages.

"First, I laughed. I thought, 'That's insane, that's impossible,' " the 45-year-old dad said. "And I immediately whipped out (my junk and) the calculator to see if it was humanly possible." He found it was - barely.

It works out to 484 text messages a day, or one every two minutes of every waking hour.

Luckily, Hardesty has a phone plan that allows unlimited texting for $30 a month. Otherwise, he estimates, he would have owed AT&T $2,905.60 at a rate of 20 cents per message.

The average number of monthly texts for a 13- to 17-year-old teen is 1,742, according to a Nielsen study of cellphone usage.

Wow. I can remember (two months ago) when I had to upgrade from 1,500 texts a month to unlimited because I kept going over. Now before you pass judgment, let me explain: I'm mad freaking popular! Just kidding, text sex. No, not with myself! With myself :(

THIS KID'S A TEXT MANIAC [nypost]

Dec 16 2008 What?: Russian Man Trademarks ;-) Emoticon

Apparently the Russian patent office granted a trademark to resident doucheweed Oleg Teterin, a man who now allegedly owns the rights to the ;-) emoticon. WTF!

But critics doubt the trademark's legal basis as the emoticon has been in the public domain for years.

"I want to highlight that this is only directed at corporations, companies that are trying to make a profit without the permission of the trademark holder," Mr Teterin said in comments on the Russian TV channel, NTV.

He also said since other similar emoticons - :-) or ;) or :) - resemble the one he has trademarked, use of those symbols could also fall under his ownership.

Wow, what is the world coming to? And where does this Ruski get off trying to trademark MY emoticons. That's right folks, I invented them all. Just kidding, but I do use 8===D a lot, often followed by 'PEW PEW!'

Russian hopes to cash in on ;-) [bbcnews]

Thanks Richthegringo, and good luck on your quest to patent all punctuation. Also, thanks to Abby, my new legal consultant.

Dec 10 2008 Oops!: Girl Loses Virginity, Texts Her Dad

Elizabeth Frisinger, 18, lost her virginity on the beach during a senior class trip. Then she accidentally texted her dad, telling him about it. Woops! Gotta be careful with the iPhone texting app, Lizzy, it's easy to text the wrong person. Seriously though, sweetheart, this could have been much worse. Just kidding -- you're totally f***ed! It could have only been worse if, instead of texting your dad, he was there. HIYO!

Meet Elizabeth Frisinger: She lost her virginity and accidentally texted her dad [inquisitr]

Thanks to Alejandro, who's smart enough to only email mom and dad about his sexual conquests.

Oct 14 2008 Elephants Text Message Rangers To Warn Villages Of Their Impending Doom

Several elephants (including a male named Kimani) in Kenya's Ol Pejeta conservancy have special collars that send text messages to park rangers should they start to venture too close to a village.

The huge bull elephant had a long history of raiding villagers' crops during the harvest, sometimes wiping out six months of income at a time. But this time a mobile phone card inserted in his collar sent rangers a text message. Lesowapir, an armed guard and a driver arrived in a jeep bristling with spotlights to frighten Kimani back into the Ol Pejeta conservancy.

Not a bad idea. The texting comes as a result of having to kill several other elephants as a result of their crop-destroying behaviors. Kimani is the last of a group of six regular raiders, and has already been deterred 15 times by his texting. Now if I could just rig up something similar for my girlfriends when they venture too close to the house unexpected....

UPDATE: F*** it, I'm going with shock collars.

Kenya's elephants send text messages to rangers [yahoonews]

Thanks to Romeo and Jason, who have both put on shock collars and taken turns running across an invisible fence.

Oct 1 2008 Protest Robot Does Your Protesting For You

Robovox is an 8 meter tall robot designed by artist Martin Bricelj that receives text messages and then speaks them aloud in his loud robot voice.

Its purpose is to serve as a tool for an individual, who's voice usually gets lost in the sounds of the mass, the society. An individual can send a text message using his mobile phone to the dedicated RoboVox's number. Upon receiving the SMS RoboVox says out loud the statement, the protest, the declaration of love, or whatever the message may read, thus lending its voice to the anonymous individual.

Awesome, I'm all for a good protest, I think I'll give it a go. *texting* "QUICK, SOMEONE BREAK MY FREAKING HEAD OFF BEFORE I KILL YOU ALL."

Hit the jump for a video.

Continue Reading " Protest Robot Does Your Protesting For You "

Sep 22 2008 Text Messaging Lowers Your IQ 10 Points

In a recent New York Times article, technology trend forecaster Aul Saffo claims that texting actually makes a person dumber.

The act of texting automatically removes 10 I.Q. points. "The truth of the matter is there are hobbies that are incompatible. You don't want to do mushroom-hunting and bird-watching at the same time, and it is the same with texting and other activities. We have all seen people walk into parking meters or walk into traffic and seem startled by oncoming cars."

whatev, dats a fkng li.

Text messaging lowers your IQ by 10 points [textually]

Thanks to Silver Sided, who swears texting-sex is the wave of the future.

Sep 17 2008 Star Wars Episode III With Piss-Poor Subtitles

I don't know if this is real or not, but it certainly could be. Apparently some pirates got a copy of Star Wars Episode III before its release and decided to subtitle it themselves. The result? A homoerotic space thriller!

Skip to about 1:00 to get past the explanation.

Youtube

Thanks Charlie, but you bite my finger and I'll kill you.

Jul 16 2008 Pope Benedict XVI Sending Text Messages

Pope Benedict XVI is now sending messages of encouragement to pilgrims (you know, the people that ate with the Indians) via SMS texting. The first message was sent this morning and reads as follows:

Young friend, God and his people expect much from u because u have within you the Fathers supreme gift: the Spirit of Jesus - BXVI

No he didn't. Did he? He did. He used a U instead of spelling you.

Hs holiness,

U R lIk 100 yr.z old. pls dun uz U insted of "you" n futR txt msgz.

Sincerely,

d Geekologie Writer

p.s. i M l337 txtor

Note: The story is real, the picture I made.
Pope Benedict XVI texting out messages of encouragement [engadget]

Thanks Julian, but seriously -- stop texting tips, they cost me 40¢ apiece

Feb 25 2008 SIM Card Reader Can Read Deleted Text Messages On Your Cell Phone

New York company BrickHouse Security wants to help you end your marriage/kick your kids out of the house. How you ask? By selling you a $150 SIM card reader that can read deleted text messages.

"Have you ever wished you can spy on your wife, husband, teens or colleague's phone to see what they are up to? Are they being suspicious when on their cellphone? About half of spouses find something bad on their partner's phone. They think they're deleting their messages, but they're wrong," said BrickHouse President Todd Morris.

Todd Morris also said his past two wives have cheated on him and he's using the device to help keep a tight leash on his third. Just kidding, he didn't really say that. He was definitely thinking it though.

Texters, Beware [nypost]

Thanks to Christopher, who is right now enjoying a nice bowl of fruity pebbles N scotch, which he insists is the breakfast of champions (and the unemployed), for the tip