Sep 17 2009 OMG!: Kids Kill Gollum By Panama Lake

A group of teens hanging out by a lake in Panama saw the elusive Gollum climbing out of his cave and did what any respectable youths would do: beat it to death with sticks.

According to reports in Panama, the teenagers spotted the creature crawling out of a cave while playing in the town of Cerro Azul north of Panama City.

Fearing for the safety as it moved towards them, the youths claim they attacked the beast with sticks before throwing its lifeless body into a pool of water.

A hooked claw visible in one of the photos has been cited as evidence for the popular theory that the creature was a sloth that somehow lost its hair.

Wow you little assholes, you beat a hairless sloth to death. That's low. I mean, aren't sloths slower than turtles? You could have gotten high, had a four course picnic and taken a nap afterward and the thing would have still been like a foot from where it was before you packed the bong. That said, did you get the One Ring?! BECAUSE I MUST HAVE IT. I collect jewelry!

New 'Montauk Monster' spotted in Panama [telegraph]

Thanks to spoon platoon, Pesche and DoucheBag, who would have at least asked the poor bastard for an autograph first.

Feb 11 2009 Teens Spend Average Of 7.25 Hours Per Month Looking At Adult Content Online

I thought it would be more. Waaaay more.

That equates to 87 hours a year spent surfing for porn. A further hour and 35 minutes is spent looking at dieting and weight loss websites.

The poll revealed teenagers spend at least three hours and 10 minutes a week researching topics for their homework, and another one hour and 40 minutes downloading or listening to music. A further two hours and two minutes is spent looking at clips on YouTube, whilst an hour and 22 minutes is spent scouring NHS direct or other health websites for information about illnesses, puberty and growing pains.

Chat rooms, forums, MSN, and social networking sites such as Facebook also play an important role in the average life of a teenager, who can spend up to nine hours a week chatting to friends and new acquaintances.

Nine hours a week on Facebook? Jesus, what a bunch of rank amateurs. Try nine hours a day. Haha, I just Superpoked you, now Superpoke me back.

Hit the link for a much more in-depth breakdown of how teens piss away their lives online.

Teens spend average of 87 hours a year looking at porn online [dailymail]

Thanks to Skynet, who has apparently become self-aware and is now sending tips. Yikes.

Feb 25 2008 SIM Card Reader Can Read Deleted Text Messages On Your Cell Phone

New York company BrickHouse Security wants to help you end your marriage/kick your kids out of the house. How you ask? By selling you a $150 SIM card reader that can read deleted text messages.

"Have you ever wished you can spy on your wife, husband, teens or colleague's phone to see what they are up to? Are they being suspicious when on their cellphone? About half of spouses find something bad on their partner's phone. They think they're deleting their messages, but they're wrong," said BrickHouse President Todd Morris.

Todd Morris also said his past two wives have cheated on him and he's using the device to help keep a tight leash on his third. Just kidding, he didn't really say that. He was definitely thinking it though.

Texters, Beware [nypost]

Thanks to Christopher, who is right now enjoying a nice bowl of fruity pebbles N scotch, which he insists is the breakfast of champions (and the unemployed), for the tip