Mar 10 2009 Obama Reverses Stem Cell Research Policy
Obama, in a pow-pow-power move, signed an executive order (I need a pad of those) yesterday that has " cleared the way for a significant increase in federal dollars for embryonic stem cell research". Now I don't even know what that means, but I do want to clone my dog. And also, grow a tail.
"Medical miracles do not happen simply by accident," Obama declared.
Obama signed the executive order on the divisive stem cell issue and a memo addressing what he called scientific integrity before an East Room audience packed with scientists. He laced his remarks with several jabs at the way science was handled by former President George W. Bush."Promoting science isn't just about providing resources, it is also about protecting free and open inquiry," Obama said. "It is about letting scientists like those here today do their jobs, free from manipulation or coercion, and listening to what they tell us, even when it's inconvenient especially when it's inconvenient. It is about ensuring that scientific data is never distorted or concealed to serve a political agenda and that we make scientific decisions based on facts, not ideology."
Well rooty tooty, fresh and fruity! Maybe scientists will finally be able to unlock the secret of my seductive pheromones. Here -- lick my armpit. You taste that? It's called gin, and I sweat it. You ever made love to a man that smells like a pine tree? It's coniferous.
Obama reverses Bush-era stem cell policy [msnbc]
Thanks to Ryan, who is a huge proponent of both twig and branch cell research.
Mar 7 2009 Japanese Astronaut To Perform Highly Questionable Space Experiments
A Japanese astronaut is set to perform a number of worthless experiments this month while aboard the International Space Station in an attempt to piss off taxpayers and win over schoolchildren.
Koichi Wakata will perform 16 tasks chosen from 1,597 suggested by hundreds of people, from nursery school pupils to a 90-year-old man, said the official at the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA).
Wakata will try "a magic carpet that floats in the air" after he reaches the Japanese laboratory Kibo (Hope) at the International Space Station (ISS) later in March for a stay of more than three months, said a JAXA report.Wakata will also attempt to fold clothes, do push-ups and backflips, arm-wrestle another astronaut and "shoot liquid out of the straw of a drink container to see what happens", said the space agency.
Wow, that sounds....boring. How about you actually perform a few of the experiments I suggested, JAXA? For example: is getting drunk in space as awesome as I imagine? And, if so, is it easy to clean up puke? Lastly, are morbidly-obese people REALLY weightless in space? Because last summer I rode a centrifuge at the county fair and this one fat lady kept sliding down the wall.
Japan astronaut to try flying carpet in space lab: official [physorg]
Thanks to Fred, who wants to know if free-dried ice cream is complimentary for astronauts or if you have to pay for it like at Space Camp.
Jul 23 2008 'Spam King' Sentenced To Four Years In Prison, Hopefully A Really Rough One
'Spam King' Robert Soloway is headed to a federal pound you in the ass (I hope) prison for 47 months. He recently pleaded guilty to fraud, spamming, tax evasion, general douchery, asshatness, and sucking at life. We should probably just give him the chair. I really hope a fellow inmate down a handful of those penis pills he was always emailing me about and spams his ass.
Hit the link for the full story.
Top Spammer Sentenced To Nearly Four Years [yahoonews]
Thanks Julian, now let's stone him.
Jun 19 2008 Worst Ferrari Owner Ever
So some Ferrari owner in Brazil crashed his 2000 360 Modena into some other car. Then -- at a later date -- had to push it around town because it was out of gas. Not surprisingly, it turns out the dude hadn't been paying his taxes and fines for the car either. Which makes him the worst Ferrari owner ever. While most owners treat a Ferrari like their baby (one that wasn't an accident), this guy treats his like a redheaded stepchild.
A bunch more pictures of the damage, him pushing it through the streets, and a screenshot of the car's tax sheet after the jump. Anybody that wants to shed more light on the article feel free to, my Portuguese is limited (and I'm dumb as shit).
Apr 11 2008 Tavern Tax: Guy Does Your Taxes At The Bar
Carmine Sodora is an accountant. A genius one. Why? Because he posts up in bars and does your income taxes for you.
Sodora founded Tavern Tax in 2005. For 10 weeks leading up to the April 15 deadline to submit U.S. income tax returns, he brings his tax-filing services to bars on weekday nights and weekend afternoons. At an Irish pub on Wednesday night, Sodora set up shop under a "Tavern Tax" sign with a fold-up table covered with a framed photo of laughing friends, his laptop and a lamp. One by one, clients relaxed in the chair across from him, handing over documents and sipping on beer. "I always say to people, 'Where's your beer? I can't have one but you can,'" Sodora said.
Stop right there. I retract my "Carmine Sodora is a genius accountant" statement. How in the hell can you trust someone that doesn't drink while filling out tax forms? Exactly, you can't. I don't let anyone do my taxes that isn't at least eight W-2's to the wind. Which is why I did them myself this year. Today in fact. Penis jokes are deductible, right? Right?
Taver Tax Service Mixes Beer and Taxes [aolnews]
Thanks to Pat, who doesn't have to pay taxes because he has a personal pardon from Turbo, the tax god, for the tip
Feb 25 2008 B-2 Stealth Bomber Crashes, I Cry
If you haven't heard the news, a B-2 Stealth Bomber crashed immediately after takeoff in Guam over the weekend. That's not it crashing in the picture. That's one with the cloud effect commonly associated with breaking the sound barrier (although this B-2 is not breaking the barrier, or as we like to say in the business "bustin' up in that noise wall"). The one (of 21) that went down was the Spirit of Kansas and was the first B-2 crash ever. Both pilots ejected safely but later wished they hadn't when confronted about the plane's $1.2 billion dollar cost.
A news story video after the jump.
