Sep 22 2009 Toy Teaches Children About Life And Death
Now I'm not saying this is the best way to explain to your daughter what happened to Mr. Fluffernutter, I'm just saying I can't think of a better one. Your parents: be thankful I'm not one of them. EXCEPT I TOTALLY AM. Your other father and I made you!
Thanks to Yopoleo, who made has never run over anything but the time limit when giving an acceptance speech.
Apr 9 2009 Now That's What I Call Class: The Gold Mouse
The Gold Bullion Wireless Mouse (not to be confused the the piratey USB hub) is actually plastic. Which is why it costs $35 and not $35 gajillion. To its credit though, it does have a scroll wheel. But still, why anybody would actually pay for this garish piece of bullionshit (count it) is beyond me. That said, I bought one as a gag gift for The Superficial Writer. He loves this kind of crap. And also, American Idol.
UPDATE 1 YEAR LATER: ZOMG, The Superficial Writer left a gold brick on his desk -- I'm gonna be rich!
Gold Bullion Wireless Mouse only looks like a million bucks [engadget]
Thanks to Julian and Oscar The Slouch, who are far too classy for those tuxedo-print t-shirts. Right guys? Right?
Mar 17 2009 No, Those Aren't Gaudy: Golden Speakers
Everybody knows gold makes for quality audio cable and connectors, but how does it fare as an actual speaker exterior? Pretty freaking ugly if you ask me. But England's Gold Acoustics seems to think there's something to it, because their GA Star line of speakers come complete with gold plating. These things would look great in your house right next to me kicking your ass, don't you think? No word on cost, but I'm going to go out on a limb and....AAAAAAAAAAAAHH! *thud*
Add some bling to your audio rig with Gold Acoustics speakers [dvice]
Dec 4 2008 Kinda Tacky: Diamond Plate Foosball Table
Foosball: the sport of champions. And by champions I mean those who like to drink in dark, smoke-filled bars. Which I freaking rule at! *high-five* Whoa, watch the drink buddy. So yeah, a $1,200 foosball table with diamond plate accents. This thing is straight tacky as shit but might look okay in a garage. Provided it's in pieces. Under a big blue tarp. With bricks holding it down. Geekologie: helping not sell your company's products since 2006.
Thanks to KXHone, who, along with yours truly, could school any of you mothers. Bring it!
Dec 1 2008 Haha, I'm Rich!: Fiber Optic Placemats
The LumiTable table runner is made from woven fiber optic strands and glows while you dine in the dark. Available in a variety of hideous colors, each 63"x13" runner will set you back a costly $200, but is sure to get the neighbors talking. Talking about what a tacky freaking idiot you are. Seriously, the only people that eat in the dark are vampires. And if there's one thing I know about vampires, it's that I tried to stab myself to death with my nachos watching Twilight this weekend.
Luminous tablecloth adds an eerie glow to your dining experience [dvice]
Sep 10 2008 Further Proof: Money Doesn't Buy Class
Thought the gold Porsche and Burberry Maserati were bad? How about a pink camo Bugatti Veyron? I know, I think I just shat in my mouth a little too. The Veyron (and green camo Rolls Royce Phantom after the jump!) are both owned by Nigo, the ban behind Japanese clothing line Bathing Ape. Fortunately, if there is such a thing as fortune in this case, the eye poison is actually the result of vinyl wraps (like the Maserati) so you can rip the hideous off before you sell it to someone else. Man, I can't wait till I'm a rich a-hole with no class. I've already got classless asshole down pat, now I just need the rich. I'm coming for you, bank!
Hit the jump for the camo Rolls and an unrelated camo Porsche.
Sep 2 2008 $173,000: Microsoft Sunglasses For Sale
Need a new pair of sunglasses? Looking for an 80's pair that screams "I love Microsoft and don't care if I look like Billy Joel's grundle"?
What you're seeing is the only pair of 1980's Hot Green Microsoft sunglasses around! A reliable source said these were only given to a handful of employees and every pair has been broken or lost over time... Except for these! These sunglasses were in use while Microsoft Office (word, excel, etc) was created and released! These bright sunglasses were the reason for many bright attitudes during the rise of Microsoft, and those bright attitudes might be the only reason for Microsoft's success. These hot green shades were making a fashion statement on a desk at Microsoft while stocks split and and the company developed! These magical sunglasses deserve thanks for many things, without them the world might not have developed into the world we know and love today. Enough can't be said about the history and importance of these very special sunglasses.
Yep. Bidding starts at $173,000 and the auction ends in 12 hours, so you better get on it. Or, if you want, I'll sell you an iconic Apple hat. It's a real apple hot-glued to a Red Sox cap! Use the 'Buy It Now' option and I'll throw in a watermelon bong. I'm a fruit freak!
Hit the jump for two more pictures (in case you don't know what $0.60 80's glasses look like) and a link to the auction.
Continue Reading " $173,000: Microsoft Sunglasses For Sale "
Jul 30 2008 The Vortex: Not Your Grandmother's Fountain
The Votex Fountain doesn't shoot water out of a lion's mouth or pour from a bare-breasted woman's water jug, but it is expensive and comes with a lifetime tackiness guarantee. Basically, it's a giant acrylic cylinder with a pump that created a vortex in the center. Because I'm made of money, I bought one and had it installed in the front yard so all the neighbors will know who rules this street. Yep, I'm officially the richest person in the neighborhood and the only one with a....*gazes through window at fountain*....neighbor's brat shitting in their Vortex. That's it, the little bastard's going in.
Video added after the jump, thanks Icon.
Continue Reading " The Vortex: Not Your Grandmother's Fountain "
Jul 28 2008 No Thanks: Psycho Inspired Shower Curtain
Personally, I like the classic model we posted a while back. But in somebody's unending quest to eff up a perfectly good original, here comes a new and "improved" version. Not only does this curtain have gratuitous blood splatterings, it makes noise! That's right, the $20 curtain has a motion sensor and when you enter the bathroom you get the REEE REEE REEE and Psycho scream! Shit, that'll never get old. I could listen to it upwards of, I dunno, once.
Bloody Serial Killer Shower Curtain Brings Murderous Fun Into the Bathroom [gizmodo]
Jul 8 2008 Money Can't Buy Classiness: A Gold Porsche
From our "Money Can't Buy Classiness" department here at Geekologie comes this gold covered Porsche. Some moron with more money than taste has added almost 40 lbs of gold to his 911 convertible. So now it's 40 pounds heavier, and 50% less cool. I swear, what is it with rich people's fascination with shiny things? It's ridiculous. You know what other demographic loves shiny objects? Babies. Coincidence? I think not.
Hit the jump for several close-ups of the gaudiness.
Continue Reading " Money Can't Buy Classiness: A Gold Porsche "
Jun 16 2008 World's Most Luxurious Cubicle Looks Like Absolute Crap, Cube Designer Clearly Lacks Theology And Geometry, Good Taste, Hair
I can say whatever I want about the hairless because I'm balder than the U.S. national bird (hint: despite Franklin's penchant for 101 proof bourbon, it's not the turkey). This is allegedly the world's most luxurious office cubicle, designed and built for himself by Jared Nielsen. That's him in the picture. As you can see he's big pimping. If big pimping means you're a monster dork with a competitive shit-eating grin on your face. Did I mention his desk clashes with the stain of the walls and floor? Because it does. I swear, no taste. Screw cubicles anyways, I disassembled mine and built a blanket fortress in its place. I call it Castle Geekskull, and it's impenetrable. BRING IT SUPERFICIAL WRITER! *firing staples* PEW PEW PEW! Holy shit, where'd you get the trebuchet?
May 7 2008 Designer Guns Great For Gaudy Tramps
Couple one of these guns with a designer gas mask, and you're guaranteed to be the tackiest thing trying to run in stilettos during the coming robot/zombie/candied yam/werewolf/douchebag/vampire/lobster apocalypse. Created by Peter Gronquist for his art exhibit "The Revolution will be Fabulous", each weapon looks god-awful. That said, I'm sure they'll sell like hot cakes. Oh wait, they have.
Gronquist's show opened last night at Gallery 1988 in Los Angeles. The pieces ranged from anywhere from a few hundred bucks to several thousand and several, such as the Louis Vuitton chainsaw, have sold.
This is just crazy. Anybody who actually bought one of these things should be locked up for having absolutely no theology or geometry. Well, except for the guy that bought the golden Louis Vuitton chainsaw -- he sounds cool as shit and writes this blog.
Hit the link for a TON more name-brand weapon ridiculousness.
Apr 2 2008 Pole Dancer Alarm Clock Looks Cheap, Just How I Like My Alarm Clocks, Wine, & Women
This Pole-Dancing Alarm Clock looks like an utter piece of crap, a lot like the USB Stripper. It costs $40. What do you get for your two Jacksons?
Product Features:
• Spinning Pole/Dancer
• Music
• Time
• Alarm
Awesome. So she swings around to the tune of some cheesy song. On an alarm clock base that you can't even read the time on. Where in the hell do they come up with this garbage? It's uch junk. And how about the way they're objectifying women? Downright tacky. I swear, I'm tempted to write the company making this and tell them how disgusted I am. I wouldn't pay a single red cent for such a crappy crap crapingly *girlfriend steps out of room to stuff her face with ice cream* AWESOME alarm clock that I simply MUST have. One for each room of the house. Oooh, and one for the dashboard of my car. What the hell, one for the back window too.
Pole-Dancer Alarm Clock helps you rise to the occasion [dvice]
Mar 12 2008 Framing Your Home Entertainment Center Is Wrong, Fugly, Should Be Against The Law
So yeah, rich people are framing their home entertainment centers. Because, well, I don't know why. I guess they have bad taste or something. I find it ironic that in the picture the entertainment center and DVD rack are framed and the actual piece of art there isn't. I don't get it. What I do get is free drinks at the bar. Yeah, I just wait for the bartender to turn around and then I reach across the bar and pour myself one. Yesterday he noticed I had more beer than he remembered and asked where I got it from. You know what I said? I said it fell off the back of a truck. And you know what he said back? Nothing -- he just punched me in the teeth.
