Nov 20 2009 Takes All Kinds: Machete-Wielding Taco Thief

The latest in a string of taco-related violence, a masked marauder in Illinois held up another man at machete-point and demanded the poor chap's tacos. Admit it -- if you'd have had a machete you would have done the same thing!

Elgin Deputy Police Chief Jeff Swoboda says a local resident was walking back to his vehicle Sunday night after buying 16 tacos for $41 when a man wearing a black ski mask and a hooded sweat shirt ran up to him.

Swoboda says the masked man waved a machete and took the tacos, but nothing else. He then drove off in an older-model light green car.

Wait a minute -- $41 for 16 tacos? Those must be some good-ass tacos! Say, this gives me an idea. *rummaging through closet for ninja-sword* Ow, shit! Shit shit shit shit shit. Cut myself.

Machete-wielding man steals tacos [abcnews]

Thanks to Annie, who won't cut anyone for anything less than a burrito. *phew*

Oct 17 2009 DO WANT: Full-Body Leather Lion Armor

This is a full set of leather armor created by DeviantARTist Azmal. As you can see, it is bad to the ass and I would be proud to rock it into battle any day (except Saturdays, I drink beer on Saturdays). En garde! RAAAAAWR!

Made entirely from leather and nickel finished hardware. Production time was about 3 weeks with the help of a couple friends. Chris and George.

Consists of:
Lion Head Helmet
Articulated Gorget
Breast and Back Plate w/ Overlays
Pauldrons with Heraldic Rampant Lions
Full Arms: Rerebrace, Vambrace, Elbow & Guard
Claw Gauntlets
Tassets
Front Skirting
Full Legs: Cuisses, Knee Cop & Guard, demigreives & full grieves, and sabbatons
All with tons of claws and block dyed tooled borders.

Don't you wish we still lived in a time where you could slap a guy with your gauntlet without fear of him shooting you? I mean, whatever happened to good old fashioned dueling? Also, fair maidens and dragons and all that. Man, the 2000's suuuck.

Azmal's DeviantART Page

Thanks to sham, who once slayed a dragon with nothing but her willpower.

Oct 12 2009 BEEP BOOP Arrrr!!: Transformer Pirate Shirts

These Piratron shirts come in Autopirate and Deceptipirate models and are perfect for showing your support for both high seas plundering AND vehicles that turn into talking robots at the same time. Each shirt will set you back a cool $20, and I recommend getting one of each just in case, well, I don't know why. Just do it. No I don't profit from these. But seriously, you can't have enough. Buy like thirty. Million. DO IT NOW!

Product Site

Thanks to tim, who agrees that in the battle of pirates vs. robots, the ninjas will prevail.

Oct 12 2009 Legit Looking Master Sword For Sale On eBay

I know we've seen Master Sword replicas in the past, but check out the craftsmanship of this blade. Have you seen anything like it outside an elementary school arts & crafts class? I think not!

Hand-painted solid wood replica of the Master Sword from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. Top quality craftsmanship, can be used as a wooden practice sword for fencing and martial arts. Blade is 17" long. Has a triforce carved into the blade.

Amazingly, current bidding is only up to $0.05 with five days remaining. But now that I've let the cat out of the bag, I don't expect to see it go for any less than $2.00. To yours truly. I only told you because I like a little competition! Try and beat me, I dare you! (yes I'm the seller)

eBay Auction

Thanks to Ricardo, who mastered the sword in grade school and now swings a cannon.

Sep 18 2009 September 19th Is Int'l Talk Like A Pirate Day!

That's right you salty, half-masted sons of wenches, tomorrow (September 19th) be International Talk Like A Pirate Day. And to celebrate, TellTale Games is giving away free 1-part episodes of Tales of Monkey Island. Also, I will be getting drunk all day wearing an eyepatch and waving a plastic cutlass. So, if you want some free awesome gameage head over HERE tomorrow to claim your booty. Unless you already own the game like I do CAUSE YOU ARE A PIRATE 4 LIFE! Now, whattya say you and I swill some grog and yell at the wenches? What do you mean, "no"? That's it: hand me my wooden leg, I'm gonna kick your ass.

TellTale Games

Thanks to deadbodyman, who talks like a pirate all the time because he illegally downloads copywritten files online all day.

Sep 17 2009 I'm On To You!: The President Is A Jedi

So apparently President Obama is a Jedi. Okay, maybe a padawan. Fine, just a guy waving a plastic lightsaber around. But that's not what's important. What's important is we arrange a lightsaber duel between him and Star Wars Boy. I'll get the president on the line, you get Obi Un-Coordinated.

Hit the jump for a picture of Obama running his wife through with a pirate sword and staring at some guy's ass, just for the hell of it.

Continue Reading " I'm On To You!: The President Is A Jedi "

Sep 16 2009 Hack And Slash: College Student Kills Would-Be Robber With Samurai Sword

John Pontilillo, a Johns Hopkins undergrad, killed a would-be robber with a samurai sword after finding the thieving bastard attempting to pilfer items from his garage. Nice, John, I would have done the same thing. Except blindfolded because I'm like 30x tougher than you are.

Hours earlier, someone had broken into John Pontolillo's house and taken two laptops and a video-game console. Now it was past midnight, and he heard noises coming from the garage out back.

The Johns Hopkins University undergraduate didn't run. He didn't call the police. He grabbed his samurai sword.

With the 3- to 5-foot-long (HOW LONG WAS IT?!), razor-sharp weapon in hand, police say, Pontolillo crept toward the noise. He noticed a side door in the garage had been pried open. When a man inside lunged at him, police say, the confrontation was fatal.

Pontolillo...struck the intruder no more than twice, police say, nearly severing his left hand and inflicting what police termed a "spear laceration."

Hell yeah, vigilante justice. This is exactly why I booby-trapped my Pop Tart cabinet. Next time my roommate tries to steal some, BOOM! Literally, boom: monster effing explosion. Say goodbye to your face, Dave -- it sucked anyways! Seriously, your mom doesn't even love it. I know because she told me WHEN WE WERE MAKING LOVE. She talked about you the whole time.

Hopkins student kills man with samurai sword [baltimoresun]
and
Picture Source

Thanks to Justina, An, draw and jawn, muzakx, Kate from NashVegas, Alan, Alex, Carrie and e., who would have used nunchucks.

Aug 28 2009 I'd Sleep Under That: Mega Man 2 Chain Mail

From the same maker as last week's chain mail chess set comes this awesome Mega Man 2 chain mail blanket/wall hanging. I know this little picture doesn't do it justice so click HERE to see a higher res version. Then, click HERE to discover life's greatest secrets. Oh, sorry, hyperlink must be broken (tricked you!).

After one and a half years, the Megaman II Project is finally finished. The dimensions are 38" x 45", as it hangs on the wall, and its total weight is over 16 pounds.

Ring Count: 63,608

Can you imagine crimping 63,000 little rings together? Because I can't. And not just because I'd probably swallow a half dozen for every ten I got together, but I would. I LIKE TO PUT THINGS IN MY MOUTH, OKAY? Just saying, good thing I can type without looking. Those consonants -- delicioso!

Project Page [chainmailbasket]

Thanks to NES--still-the-best, who won't even talk to you about playing Genesis.

Jun 26 2009 Samurai Swordsman Cuts Baseball In Half

Resident samurai Isao Machii returns, this time cutting a launched baseball in half. Unfortunately, it took him two tries. I could have done it in one, making a second ball obsolete. Rollerblading accident. It unraveled.

Japanese Samurai Slices Pitched Baseball In Half [totalprosports]

Thanks to Dan, who once chopped a thrown bowling ball in half with laser vision.

Jun 5 2009 Who Is That?!: New Zelda Game Concept Art

Although Nintendo didn't actually announce a new Zelda at E3 (but did announce a new Metroid, Super Mario Galaxy and WiiFit), here's some concept art shown by Shigeru Miyamoto to a group of game developers at a following conference.

I don't know about you, but that's no Princess Zelda. Could it be, as so many are speculating, the living incarnation of the Master Sword?

ZOMG -- the master sword chick doesn't have any arms! And I, for one, am not ashamed to admit that I would be totally cool hitting that. Armless swords are people too, you know.

First Look At New Zelda Game's Concept Art [kotaku]

Thanks to Julian, who once had sex with a Zora and almost drowned.

Jun 2 2009 For The Ladies: Reader's Sweet Zelda Tattoo

In a power move to impress Zelda tattoo girl (she's mine!), Geekologie Reader Erik got a badass Zelda tattoo of his own. Which, I think we can all agree, contrasts the flaming skull beautifully.

Thanks to Ronni and Erik, who know swinging a master sword and yelling is the way to any woman's heart.

May 29 2009 Geekologie Reader Makes Himself Lightsaber

Geekologie Reader Ike, the same one who successfully played poker on a roller coaster, went and made himself a lightsaber. Although, truthfully, it was modeled after Travis Touchdown's beam katana from No More Heroes. Ike made me promise not to tell you how he made it, but suffice it to say there were lasers and smoke and selling your soul to a sorcerer involved.

Here's a real fun tidbit- with enough money (I think about $600) I could make this sucker burn. That's right! Fully functional lightsaber! It also extends and spins. Woot.

Nice, Ike, I want one. Except mine MUST be of the burning variety. How else am I gonna start a fire while camping -- rubbing two sticks together? Pfft, what do I look like, a cub-scout? I AM ALL MAN-SCOUT! Don't believe me? I've humped bears before. Haha -- admit it, Yogi!

Hit the jump for a couple videos of the saber/katana in action, including one with some Travis Touchdown cosplay.

Continue Reading " Geekologie Reader Makes Himself Lightsaber "

May 20 2009 Craigslist: Sword That Killed Goliath For Sale

Somebody in St. Louis, Missouri is selling a sword that may or may not be the one David used to chop that punk bitch Goliath's monster nog off after getting him all stoned. Wow, I should really teach Sunday School.

B.C. sword the question is ? Is this the sword of the giant, that little young David chopped the giant head off ? I have received alot of responds on this sword because nothing like this have never came up in history of antiques, and not to much talked about because no one wants to talk about the Bible, one question why 7,000 and this is just pennies in whats it's worth, and everyone knows about the game in collecting and how things pass from hand to hand until one gets the big bucks. So if anyone is interested in this sword they must do their home work I found the information and only went to 7th grade, solike you say you need more infor you must research it yourself and then bring me 7,000 dollars ... also this sword is about three feet long ..

That made no sense. Apparently they don't teach writing in St. Louis until 8th grade. Also, David used Goliath's own sword to cut his head off right? SO WHAT WOULD A GIANT BE DOING WITH A 3-FOOT SWORD? No, more than likely this is the sword Jesus used to kill the ninjas at the Battle of Bethlehem.

Craigslist

Thanks to Todd, who, IT BELONGS IN A MUSEUM!

Apr 24 2009 Modern Samurai Returns With More HI-YA

I'm not sure if you enjoyed the last episode of Isao Machii: Modern Samurai as much as I did, but if you didn't, you should watch it again until you do. Then we can start a book club. But instead of books we'll discuss Youtube videos and drink beer. Plus, if you're a chick, we could make out. Hell, even if you're not but willing to wear a Dilophosaurus costume. Anyway, I'm sure you've just been chilling till the next episode, but chill no longer, because here she blows. The highlights:

0:45: Isao cuts the wick off a burning candle. The GW begins practicing for his next birthday party.
2:30: Isao cuts the skin off a piece of asparagus. My pee smells funny after I eat asparagus.
4:40: Isao slices the tail off an arrow that's been shot at him. I reconsider bringing a bow and arrow to a samurai sword fight.
8:30: Isao cuts a steel plate in half without bending or warping the piece at all. I consider hiring Isao for future construction jobs.

Well folks, there you have it, the latest from a modern Samurai. And now, the latest from a modern Don Juan:

Last night: Woman at the bar rejected all my advances, despite my insistence I could make her internet famous. Went home alone and treated myself to a stranger in the bathtub.

Too romantic?

Youtube

Thanks to Tom and Jason, who can cut through steel with just a glance and have to wear those special shades Cyclops wears. Just kidding, they're fake Oakleys.

Apr 14 2009 Blade Work: Isao Machii, Modern Samurai

This is a video of Isao Machii, who is billed as a modern-day Samurai, showing off his skills with the blade. It's a long video, so I'll direct you to the good parts.

1:45: Cuts the top half of a mushroom's cap off. Sent shivers down my pants.
3:30: Horizontally cuts a bean lengthwise. Sent shivers down my pants.
5:15: Cuts a 6mm Airsoft BB shot at him in half. GW realizes bringing a gun to a Samurai fight might not be enough.
8:00: Cuts an iron pipe in half without bending or warping the pipe. This part is skippable, since I totally could have done that. With my penis. HI-YA, BITCHES!

Youtube

Thanks to Jason, who once got a watermelon pregnant just by glancing at it in the produce section of the grocery store.

Apr 10 2009 Woman Tries To Break Up Sword Fight, Dies

In the latest of a string of sword attacks, a woman tried to break up her husband and grandson involved in a serious swordfight, and ended up getting stabbed and killed. And that, my friends, is why you always bring a gun to a swordfight.

The fight was reported about 1 a.m. today. Rondeau (39) and Adolf Stegbauer, 69, both of Indianapolis, were "actively involved in a sword fight," IMPD spokesman Sgt. Matt Mount said in a statement. One man used what police described as a World War II Japanese officer's sword and another had a thin blade sword, although investigators were not immediately certain which weapon was used by which man.

Preliminary reports from police said that Franziska Stegbauer, 77, Indianapolis, tried to break up the fight and was fatally stabbed. Police found all three victims inside the residence on Raceway Road when they arrived early this morning.

Police said Rondeau was Franziska Stegbauer's grandson.

Well Happy Easter to you too! Thankfully, tipster Chuck Nunchuck was kind enough to create a graphic of what the confrontation obviously looked like, so that was nice. Good lookin', Chuck, but it could have used some more PEW PEW. Love that stuff.

Woman dies after intervening in sword fight [indystar]

Thanks to Chuck Nunchuck, twice as deadly as that sissy-boy Chuck Norris.

Apr 4 2009 Hardcore: Man Gets Hand Cut Off With Samurai Sword, Punches Attacker With Stump

Peter Rogers is a hardcore dude. First he insults some guy's girlfriend's mother, and then, in the resulting bar fight, gets his hand cut off with a samurai sword but continues to punch his attacker in the face with his bloody stump. Wow, Mr Rogers (I really loved your little train set!).

Detective Garda Tony Gleeson told Dublin Circuit Criminal Court that Russell severed Mr Roger's hand at the wrist with his first swing of the sword and his hand fell to the ground. Mr Rogers continued to struggle with Russell and at one stage punched the accused in the face with the stump of his arm.

Det Gda Gleeson said that Mr Rogers had been in the pub with a number of friends that day when he heard someone shout, "there's the c**t" before he was struck from behind with a hammer. This blow came from Russell's co-accused and friend who was then wrestled away by bar staff.

Russell then swung a samurai sword at Mr Rogers and continued to strike at him four or five times before staff dragged him away. He was restrained by the bar manager but managed to escape and fled the scene.

Det Gda Gleeson said that one customer picked up Mr Rogers' hand and placed it in ice in a black bag. The victim was taken to the Mater hospital where he underwent emergency surgery to re-attach his hand. He is 'unlikely to regain full use' of limb.

First of all, good looking, Mr Rogers (I loved that episode where you visited the post office!) Secondly, how the hell do you get a samurai sword into a bar? I mean, I can't even count the times I've been frisked because a doorman suspected my penis was a WMD (which, to their credit, it totally is. Ladies?). Lastly, sorry to hear about your hand, Mr Rogers (don't forget to feed the fish!), but look on the bright side -- Best. Strangers. EVER.

Sword attacker sliced off victim's left hand [independent]

Thanks to Matthew and Cian, who once got their hands cut off but only cried about it. Wow, you two could really learn a thing or two from Mr Rogers here. Including, but not limited to: how to be a good neighbor.

Mar 22 2009 Hot: Female Reader Wielding Master Sword

Responding to my request that the gamer chick pose atop a dinosaur with Link's Master Sword, Geekologie Reader Pepper sent me a picture of herself wielding said sword. Unfortunately, there's no dinosaur (just two ponies humping and a questionable computer background).

Though this message contains less than 1% real dinosaur, cosplaying, action, it does contain a gamer girl with a Master Sword. ME! Win? plz? *meep*

Much love to Geekologie, I visit your site several times a day, and is (sadly) typically the highlight of any given day, unless there is a new episode of Mythbusters on, or if my Charizard levels up. Level 78 bitches!

Hey, I'll take it. Also, I really think this is a step in the right direction for Geekologie. Namely, boob north. Ladies?

Thanks Pepper, now if you could just find a horse that looks like Epona....

Mar 17 2009 Oh Grow Up: Flat Worms Fencing....Sexually

I know, I know, I should grow up. I just can't help myself. At least not when there's penis fencing involved. Superficial Writer, en garde!

Youtube

Thanks to LeftRIGHTleft, a college champion in Tit Kwon Do.

Mar 9 2009 You're A Real Ninja Now: The Belt Sword

The Belt Sword is a questionable sword hidden within a belt. It was created to make dorks feel safe even though in a real-life situation they'd either forget they were wearing the thing or stab themselves trying to get it out. Also, they look suspiciously like aluminum-foil wrapped cardboard. The belt with 24" and 27" swords costs $150. $210 if you want five swords (24", 27", 29", 31", and 33"). Sorry folks, but I'm not interested. No, unlatching my buckle releases another, much more powerful weapon. Obviously, I'm talking about a flying dragon. *unbuckling* KA-P....uh-oh. Looks like the proverbial chicken has flown the coop. And, oh God -- taken off with the eggs.

Hit the jump to see more of this chick, along with a picture of the system and links to the product page and video demonstrations.

Continue Reading " You're A Real Ninja Now: The Belt Sword "