Sep 2 2009 Tactical Canned Bacon Has 10-Year Shelf Life
Sure we've seen canned bacon before, but I don't want to seem I give preferential treatment to one pig's belly over another, so here's Tac Bac! Like its competitor, this bacon is good for TEN FREAKIN' YEARS. Buy now and you can eat the very same can in 2019 while huddled in your basement praying the robots' heat sensors can't reach you down there. Each tactical can will set you back $16 and contains approximately 54 strips of fatty pig. Definitely not the cheapest thing to survive on, but it's worlds better than ten year old Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs, which, I don't care if they're the last things on earth, are still illegal.
Thanks to MDGrein, JFreezy, stereotypical, Harsh, Cpt. Awesome, Ste, Hammer, Dave, LucidSteel, Bryan, shogunu, and anyone I may have missed, you are all welcome to take shelter in my robot-proof lair, but only because I love sausage fests.
Aug 17 2009 Canadians Create Mathematical Model For Successfully Surviving Zombie Apocalypse
Since there's no hockey on some Canadian mathematicians have shifted their efforts to creating a mathematical model for surviving the zombie uprising. And you said nothing good ever came out of Canada! That guy, right there -- he's the one that said it. GET HIM, CANUCKS!
Anyway, the model focuses on modern zombies, which are "very different from the voodoo and the folklore zombies." It takes into account the possibility of quarantine (could lead to eradication, but unlikely to happen) and treatment (some humans survive, but they still must coexist with zombies), but shows that there is only one strategy likely to succeed: "impulsive eradication."
"Only sufficiently frequent attacks, with increasing force, will result in eradication, assuming the available resources can be mustered in time," they concluded.
Pfft, I came up with a better model than that. It goes like this: me + shovel = zombie - head. Zombie - head = that zombieskin rug I've always wanted in front of the fire place! Now, who wants to make out on top of it?!? I'm not sick, you're sick.
Mathematical Model for Surviving a Zombie Attack [wired]
Thanks to Dahbie, who will survive the apocalypse no matter what because of jet propulsion (I'm coming with you).
Apr 25 2009 Bear Grylls Drinks Elephant Dung Juice
This video is like two years old so if you've seen it, congratulations, free Geekologie bumper sticker. Just leave an 'OLD' and your bank account info in the comments and I'll have it transferred first thing Monday morning. Anyway, did you know that in an emergency situation you can drink the juice out of elephant shit? No, because you'd rather die. And I'd imagine puking afterward would probably end up doing more harm than good. But Bear Grylls is all man. Also, I love how a piece of shit almost falls in his mouth at 0:34, classic.
Thanks to Tim, who tried it with baby shit and *HORF*
Mar 25 2009 Wow: Man Survived Two Atomic Bombings
93-year old Tsutomu Yamaguchi was recently recognized as the first survivor of both the Nagasaki and Hiroshima atomic bomb droppings of 1945. Allegedly, he still pisses depleted uranium.
Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima on a business trip on Aug. 6, 1945, when a U.S. B-29 dropped an atomic bomb on the city. He suffered serious burns to his upper body and spent the night in the city. He then returned to his hometown of Nagasaki just in time for the second attack, city officials said.
"As far as we know, he is the first one to be officially recognized as a survivor of atomic bombings in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki," Nagasaki city official Toshiro Miyamoto said.Thousands of survivors continue to seek official recognition after the government rejected their eligibility for compensation. The government last year eased the requirements for being certified as a survivor, following criticism the rules were too strict and neglected many who had developed illnesses that doctors have linked to radiation
Speaking of radiation, I want some freaking superpowers already -- and I'm not afraid to go atomic to get them. Atomic Fireballs that is! *CRUNCH* ZOMG, too hot, too hot!!!
Man Survived 2 Atomic Bombings [aolnews]
Thanks to Pat and MoD, who have both survived three bombings and now have x-ray vision. So, what color underwear am I wearing, guys? Ha, those are my nuts is right!
Feb 26 2009 I Knew It!: Violent Video Games Helps Prepare Children For The Coming Apocalypse
This is an Onion News roundtable discussion on the benefit of children playing violent video games. And as I suspected, violent games do, in fact, prepare the world's youth for the coming apocalypse.
Playing video games all day, alone and friendless, is simply the best way we have to prepare our children for a life of solitude in a barren wasteland.
Finally, somebody speaking some sense. So fret not, parents, buying your children violent video games might just provide them with the know-how they need to survive in the the future. Or, I dunno, bring a gun to school. Either one.
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse? [theonion]
Thanks to Mister Tiddles, who I think might be a cat.
Jan 22 2009 Get Away From The World And Die Alone And Miserably In The 'Generic Escape Capsule'
'The Generic Escape Capsule' was fashioned by Australian artist Adam Norton out of an old wardrobe after he discovered it wouldn't transport him to a magical land where he could f*** lions and witches and goat-people. Basically, Adam included everything a person would need to survive a couple days away from the world, should one get tired of their nagging wife/girlfriend or get buried in an earthquake. Plus, as a bonus, it doubles as a masturbation chamber. Triples as kindling.
Hit the jump for a close up of the last thing you'll see before you decide it's just not worth living anymore.
Mar 31 2008 Treepees: Ground-Dwelling Tents Are Lame
Treepees are tents that hang from trees. They kind of remind me of the dangling blue-balls of survival we saw awhile ago. They come in green, brown, or pink and cost $600. You just hang it from a sturdy branch, stake the four corners (if you want), and you're good to go. I want one, because I hate the ground. It's just so...beneath me. All the time. I don't even like touching it. So the treepee is right up my alley. Besides, I've always wanted to know what it's like to be a bear's punching bag. Bring it you sissy-ass grizzly, you hit like a cub!
One more picture of a pink one after the jump.
Continue Reading " Treepees: Ground-Dwelling Tents Are Lame "
Mar 13 2008 Questionable: Survival Zombie Kit On eBay
Having grown up in the Girl Scouts, I live by the motto: "Target fat people and you'll sell more cookies." And also that one about surviving the zombie apocalypse. Well to help fend of the uprising some guy is selling this Zombie Survival Kit on eBay. It looks pretty questionable if you ask me. I mean it's just a sawed off shotgun with 5 shells. What the hell kind of zombie apocalypse are you going to survive with five shells. At least this kit has 10, plus a knife and riot shield. Bidding is currently at a whopping $255 with 9 freaking days remaining, so apparently it's going to go for a lot more than it's worth. Which, according to my calculations, is the cost of a plastic Airsoft shotgun, five empty shotgun shells, and a picture frame.
eBay Auction
via
Zombie Survival Kit For Sale Now - Be Prepared [gizmodo]
Mar 11 2008 Porcupine Flashlight Is Sharp, Scary, Lethal
The K2 Porcupine is a tactical flashlight with a wicked sharp spiked bezel so you can maim and/or kill any would-be attackers.
Unlike ordinary tactical lights with crenellated bezel that can often inflict unnecessary harms to oneself, K2 features sharpened spikes around the bezel that protrude outward only when the spike protector is lowered. With the spikes protected when not needed, the fast turn threading allows the rapid retraction of the spike protector. These spikes are sharpened far more than those ordinary crenellated bezel light. Together with its powerful 70-lumen eye-blinding white light, the sharpened retractable spikes make K2 a powerful self defense tool.
The $129 flashlight runs on two CR-123A batteries and will give you about 60 minutes of light. You know, it seems like just yesterday I was attacking my roommate with a sharpened flashlight because I mistook him for a burglar. What Steve? That was yesterday? Sorry it's kind of hard to hear you through all those bandages.
K2 Porcupine Flashlight blinds attackers, then rips them to shreds [dvice]
Mar 10 2008 The iStraw Is Horribly Named But Cleans Water As You Drink It So You Won't Get Sick
The iStraw, thanks to special micro-filtration technology, makes drinking water from the toilet safer than ever. Available for $40 from ThinkGeek, the straw can filter about 130 gallons and "reduces up to 99.99999% of all waterborne bacteria." Wow, that's a lot of 9's! You can use it to suck directly from streams and lakes, but brackish and turbid water are highly not recommended. The iStraw looks like a magic wand and makes the perfect addition to an outdoor survival kit. I definitely just ordered a few for myself in case of an emergency. My girlfriend is going to have to take her chances with a regular straw. It's not that I don't love her, it's just that, well, okay maybe I don't. I mean I did spend her birthday at a stripclub. And not the one where she works at either.
Germaphobes Rejoice, The iStraw is Here [albotas]
Jan 29 2008 On The Go: I Can Has Canned Cheezburger?
Katadyn is a Swiss-based company that primarily focuses its efforts on mobile water sterilization and desalination equipment. But recently the company has started making food products for adventuring/camping/military applications. Just imagine really wack MREs. They've got a powdered wine that when reconstituted has an alcohol content of over 9%, a high tech chocolate mousse, and this -- the world's first canned cheeseburger. Each can has a 12 month shelf life, requires no refrigeration, and is ready after boiling in water for a couple minutes. Awesome! They cost around $5.85 apiece from the company's website. Anybody ever tried one? Do they somehow come with all those condiments? Because if they don't I'm way less impressed. SPAM has been around forever.
The canned cheeseburger - fast food in the wilderness [gizmag]
Sep 12 2007 Hanging Balls Of Outdoor Survival
Industrial designer John Moriarty has developed The Cocoon, which is an outdoor survival tent-like thing that you can hang from a tree. "Bright warm colors and fabrics on the inside help you stay warm by keeping your body heat in and any wind and wetness out." It does look nice and cozy doesn't it (except for the schematic where the guy is smashed up in there)? It's sort of like a womb, but a lot more like a man's change purse. This thing just makes sense. Dangling from a tree in a giant blue testicle is practically the definition of outdoor survival.
Hanging Balls Of Outdoor Survival [ohgizmo]
