Nov 14 2009 The Million Dollar Man With The Bionic Ass

Ged Gavin, 55, has a bionic ass and doesn't care who knows. Which is good because I definitely just texted everyone in my phone. And by texted I mean sexted. All the kids are doing it. What? Yes I'd jump off a bridge!

Mr Galvin suffered massive internal injuries and had to be fitted with a colostomy bag until surgeons at the Royal London Hospital could perform the complex operation to rebuild his bottom.

The medical team took a muscle from above his knee, wrapped it around his sphincter, and then attached electrodes to the nerves.

These are now operated by a palm-sized remote control that he carries in his pocket.

"They call me the man with the bionic bottom, but that doesn't bother me. My gratitude to the surgeons is endless because what they have done is a miracle."

Colostomy bag or a bionic ass, that's a tough call. I'd probably opt for a bullet in my head. Kidding, suicide is never the answer. Unless you're my ex-wife, in which case it totally is.

Man uses remote to control his 'bionic bottom' [telegraph]

Thanks to Ross, who uses a remote control to chew but is starving because he lost the thing in a couch.

May 11 2009 Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat: Spiderman Fail

This is a video of Spiderman hurting himself in front of a bunch of children and being played off by a cat on a keyboard. Trust me, it'll all make sense after you watch it. Just kidding, it won't ever make sense. But it will always make awesome.

Youtube

Thanks to Joemo, who once found Spiderman trapped in his own web and furiously pleasuring himself to a daddy longlegs.

May 6 2009 Needs Work: First US Full-Face Transplant

46-year old Connie Culp was nearly killed when her deranged husband literally blasted her face off with a shotgun in 2004. But now, five years later, she has a new face thanks to a recently deceased organ donor (sign your cards!).

She endured 30 operations to try to fix her face. Doctors took parts of her ribs to make cheekbones and fashioned an upper jaw from one of her leg bones. She had countless skin grafts from her thighs. Still, she was left unable to eat solid food, breathe on her own, or smell.

Then, on Dec. 10, in a 22-hour operation, Dr. Maria Siemionow led a team of doctors who replaced 80 percent of Culp's face with bone, muscles, nerves, skin and blood vessels from another woman who had just died. It was the fourth face transplant in the world, though the others were not as extensive.

"Here I am, five years later. He did what he said -- I got me my nose," Culp said of Djohan, laughing.

I got me my nose, I got me my nose. My goodness what a heartwarming story. Uncensored picture is after the jump, and, not to be insensitive, but it is a little rough on the eyes. Kind of like a belt sander, but with lasers attached. Seriously though, great job, guys.

You have been warned, now hit it.

Continue Reading " Needs Work: First US Full-Face Transplant "

Feb 19 2009 Guy Loses Finger To Neodymium Magnets

What you're looking at there is a dude's fingernail and the remains of a finger that got crushed between two Neodymium magnets. Brutal! Sweet!

Dirk had an accident. It took 1 1/2 hours of surgery to remove the shattered bones and repair the damage. Medically speaking, he crushed his right index finger distal phalange. The magnets had a 50 cm (20 inch) separation when they decided to fly together.

He is lucky that he only lost a finger tip as opposed to his whole hand. The block Neo below is about 4" by 2" by 2" N45 with a pull force of around 700 lbs (320 kg). The disk is about 3" dia. by 2 1/2" thick N45 with a pull force of about 400 lbs (180 kg). That is his fingernail and some of his finger tip caught between the magnets.

Holy hellfire. Hit the jump to see the graphic photos and a link to the whole story. Which amazingly didn't include heavy drinking and/or a bet. Seriously though, Neodymium magnets are not playtoys (unless you got the really small weak ones, in which case, whee!). Remember what they taught you in Boy Scouts: if you can't stand the heat, too many chefs spoil the broth. Life wisdom, folks, I'm full of it.

Hit the jump for graphic pictures of a bloody stump.

Continue Reading " Guy Loses Finger To Neodymium Magnets "

Feb 3 2009 Cute Little Kid After Drugs At The Dentist

This is a video of David in the car after being gassed to have a tooth pulled. It almost made me want a child of my own until I realized you can't keep the little tykes gassed all the time. Or can you?

UPDATE: You can't. Come back to me little bro!

Youtube

Thanks to Chuck Nunchuck and Aaron, who have never gotten a cavity. Search. Yet.

Dec 24 2008 Scientists Say 'Sex Chips' Are Coming Soon

Sex chips. My God, what if they come in honey bbq flavor?

The chip works by sending tiny shocks from implanted electrodes in the brain.

Neurosurgery professor Tipu Aziz, said: "There is evidence that this chip will work. A few years ago a scientist implanted such a device into the brain of a woman with a low sex drive and turned her into a very sexually active woman. She didn't like the sudden change, so the wiring in her head was removed."

An electronic machine, named the Orgasmatron (pictured above), taken from the 1973 Woody Allen film Sleeper, is already under development by a North Carolina doctor, who is modifying a spinal cord stimulator to produce pleasure in women.

I mean, this is great and all, but for the ultimate in pleasure, I've got two words for you: me. Baby, I will take you places you've never been. Including, but not limited to: the emergency room, and Advance Auto. Ladies?

'Sex chip' being developed by scientists [telegraph]

Thanks to Pete, who, behind me (not literally), is the world's 2nd greatest lover. It's true, he even has the coffee mug to prove it.

Dec 22 2008 Wow: Man Breaks Knee Playing Guitar Hero

Some guy broke his knee playing Guitar Hero. Well, it wasn't actually the game that did it, he was trying to do a Rockette high-kick or some shit for extra style points. He failed.

I was face to face with my Arch Nemesis/Very Good Friend/Roommate Craig. It was time to see who could out rock each other while playing Texas Flood.

We were neck in neck in points... I had to do something special. I needed STYLE points. I breathed deep, my rock meter was maxed out and I was going to make this audience feel it. I twisted to the right and threw my guitar in the air! Instead of a roaring audience I heard a loud snap! My knee slid to the outside of my leg and my leg bent sideways as I fell to the ground.

Half the people in the room were concerned the other half called me a pussy. One guy, the Geekologie Writer, spilled a drink my couch and then puked everywhere. It was projectile. He left without cleaning it up.

Ha, and don't you ever forget it. I don't just puke, I PEW PEWK.

GuitarHeroBrokeMyKnee.com (complete with grody picture section)

Thanks to Jennaiii, who once broke my heart during a game of Rock Band.

Sep 4 2008 37 Prisoners Caught Hiding Cell Phones In Their Bodies, 7 Require Surgery To Retrieve

In a story that harks back to Captain Sneakapeak and the case of the missing cameraphone, comes this story. 37 Pakistani prisoners at Camp Jail were found to be hiding cell phones in their bodies. All but seven were easily removed. The seven that didn't come out so easily were all smart phones. Those required surgery. Read: removal of the asshole. Just kidding, I don't know what they did. What I do know is I'm starting to get worried why my Bluetooth headset and charger haven't passed yet.

7 Prisoners undergo surgery to remove mobile phones from their butts [newlaunches]

Thanks to Silver Sided, who knows a guy who once snuck an entire phonebooth into jail.

Jun 27 2008 Little Origami Crane Constructed Using The Ultra Precise Da Vinci Surgical Robot

This is a video of a Japanese surgeon using the Da Vinci Surgical Robot to construct a little origami crane. I had no idea Leonardo had robotic hands, but like my dad always says, "Son, you're a freaking idiot." The feat is all the more spectacular when you see the size of the crane at the end -- it's only as big as a penny! Fly on, little origami crane, fly on. I don't know about you, but I think this Da Vinci robot is really gonna revolutionize origami implants.

Youtube

Thanks Shuck from Germany, say -- if I come over there you think I could sleep on your floor? Maybe drink some of your beer?

Jun 11 2008 Baby Born With Extra Thingie On Its Back

I've been contemplating whether or not to post this since last night, but since so many people sent it in, and I'm a sucker for peer pressure (I do drugs now), I guess I am. Of course, the story was broken by The Sun, so it's probably faker than the license I use to buy beer with (I'm only 17) anyways. Allegedly a son born to Li Jun, a 30-year old farmer from Hejian City in China's Henan province, was born with an extra penis on his back. I had a kid on my swim team growing up with an extra nipple on his back, but never have I heard of a spare penis. The appendage is the result of a condition known as fetus in fetu, in which one twin is partially reabsorbed by the other. Thankfully, the baby underwent surgery to remove the unit (which was attached to the spine) and the baby has made a full recovery and will live a normal, one penis life.

Seriously, Geekologie is thankful the surgery was a success, the baby is healthy and doing well, and wonders if doctors could attach that thing to me somewhere. Anywhere, I don't care. Forehead's fine.

Uncensored picture of the thing after the jump. WARNING: It's a baby with a penis on it's back.

Continue Reading " Baby Born With Extra Thingie On Its Back "

Jun 9 2008 UPDATE: Eagle Gets Bionic Beak Story

Remember the bald eagle whose beak was shot off by some asshole poacher? Well she's finally rocking a bionic replacement, albeit temporary. "The new beak is only a temporary fix, designed to nail down precise measurements." That's a real picture of it there. Beauty (the eagle) needed the fake beak in order to grasp food and not require hand-feeding.

"She's got a grill," joked Nate Calvin, the Boise engineer who spent 200 hours designing the complex beak.

HAHAHAHA! A grill! A bird with a grill, that's priceless. *wipes tear* God, you should do standup.

Seriously though Nate, my hat's off to you and everyone else volunteering their time and expertise. You've all done a great job and made me hate people a little less.

Eagle wounded by poacher gets new beak [msnbc]

Thanks for keeping me up to date Matt, now lets go find that poacher

May 27 2008 Finger-Regrowing 'Pixie Dust' Is At It Again

Remember the story we posted about the man who regrew the tip of his finger after having it cut off in a model airplane propeller? Yeah, that guy totally shouldn't have been allowed to work in a hobby store. Well now the infamous "pixie dust" is being used again -- this time in an attempt to regrow a soldier's finger that was lost in a bomb attack.

A key to the research dedicated to regrowing fingers and other body parts is a powder, nicknamed "pixie dust" by some of the people at Brooke Army Medical Center. It's made from tissue extracted from pigs.

The surgery is part of a major new medical study of "regenerative medicine" being pursued by the Pentagon and several of the nation's top medical facilities, including the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center and the Cleveland Clinic. So far nearly $250 million has been dedicated to the research.

Awesome. I guess the only remaining question I have about this treatment is this: How ethical is it to cut off you junx and hope to regrow a bigger one?

Salamander-inspired therapy may aid injured vets [cnn]
Go here if you want to watch a graphic video about the procedure.

Thanks Patrick, lets steal Tinkerbell's fairy dust so we can fly

Apr 22 2008 Surgeons Implant Bionic Eyes In Blind Patients

Surgeons have successfully implanted "bionic eyes" (similar in design to this, but not this) in two blind patients, in an attempt to restore some of their vision.

The device -- the first of its kind -- incorporates a video camera and transmitter mounted on a pair of glasses. This is linked to an artificial retina, which transmits moving images along the optic nerve to the brain and enables the patient to discriminate rudimentary images of motion, light and dark.

The Argus II uses a video camera to capture images. These are converted into electrical signals, which are transmitted wirelessly to the implant behind the retina. The electrodes in the implant unscramble the signal to create a crude black-and-white picture that is relayed along the optic nerve to the brain. The brain can then perceive patterns of light and dark spots corresponding to the electrodes stimulated.

That's great news. I'm all for restoring sight to the blind, and this seems like a real promising technology. They throw in the ability to see through cereal boxes so you can spot the ones with secret decoder rings and I'll laser-pointer myself in the eye right now.

Surgeons give hope to blind with successful 'bionic eye' operations [timesonline]

Thanks to Neil, who can see through walls, for the tip

Mar 11 2008 Uh-Oh: Nanobots To Take Over The World

Dr. Anirban Bandyopadhyah, of the National Institute of Materials Science in Tsukuba, Japan, has developed a chemical "brain" capable of controlling nanobots. This "brain", soon to be known by the few remaining humans not killed in the machine uprising as "Mother Brain" will control the bots responsible for the demise of humanity. The cave dwelling survivors of the apocalypse will regularly pray to Samus Aran that she return in all her hotness and destroy said brain to make the planet safe for humans once more.

Anyway, the two nanometer "brain" is made of 17 molecules of duroquinone, each considered a "logic device" and controlled by a center "control" molecule. By switching the control molecule in the center with a scanning tunneling microscope, the other 16 are switched based on the logical instructions received. There are over four billion combinations of outcome. At least three billion being "We're all going to die", and the other billion being "We're all going to die slowly."

Chemical brain controls nanobots [bbcnews]

Thanks to Justin, who may have to step in for Samus if things get out of hand, for the tip

Dec 20 2007 GumEase Numbs Gums For Dental Work

You toss this thing in the freezer for a half hour, jam it in your mouth, and in 2-3 minutes later you're good to go for (allegedly) pain free dental work. It works by freezing the nerves in your gums.

In patient tests the new gumEase diminished pain by 90% in 2 to 3 minutes for the average participant. Patients can apply them post-operatively as needed, and reuse without side effects by storing in a household freezer… Effective for fillings, extractions, crowns, root canals, cleaning, scraping, braces adjustment and other procedures.

Interesting, but I'll stick to the drugs. The last thing I need is for my gum-number to wear off when the dentist is drilling the hell out of a molar. Because I'd have to kill him. And I'd hate to do that, he's such a nice guy. He always gives me a sticker for being such a good patient. Although I question why he gassed me for my last routine checkup. And why I woke up with my pants unbuttoned. What the hell do I know though, I'm no dentist.

G100 GumEase - dental surgery without needles or pain? [redferret]

Nov 29 2007 No Surgery: Product Promises 20/20 Vision

I'm all about DIY projects, healthcare included. That's why I was excited to hear about the Eye Power. It's a device aimed at correcting "near-sighted/myopic vision problems". You hold it up to your eye 10 minutes at a time and it sends ultrasonic waves through your freaking eyeball. You're supposed to have perfect 20/20 vision in no time. The product is untested and there is no evidence what-so-ever to back the claims -- but it's only $800. Besides, ultrasonic waves and eyeballs were practically made for each other. So what if it makes your eyes explode or slams them into you brain. It's not like eyeballs don't regenerate. What's that, they don't? Well shit. Oh well, eye patches are coming back.

Eye Power aims to heal eyesight [ubergizmo]