Oct 12 2009 Sad: Donkey Kong Reduced To Selling Soda
Seen here unsuccessfully threatening a blurry old man with the 1-2 punch that used to make Mario shit his pants and cry, Donkey Kong, the once fearful gorilla, has been reduced to hocking root beer at local grocery stores. It's a sad day. Also, those arms look a little precarious. I'm definitely gonna stand under one and have a friend push a bunch of cases onto my head. Then, provided I don't get all brain damaged, sue the grocery store. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?! Cleanup in aisle six.
Donkey Kong Soda Display [pixelatedgeek]
Thanks to Jessica, who once laughed so hard she shot root beer out her nose when a friend was telling a joke. It stung. Like a bee, but different.
Oct 1 2009 For Sale: The World's Largest Gummi Bears
I have no idea if these five pound gummi bears are, in fact, the world's largest commercially available sugar bombs, but I do know they look rats and not bears.
The World's Largest Gummy Bear is the lion of the candy world. There is no candy more magnificent or more powerful. This five-pound beast is the equivalent of 1,400 regular sized gummy bears and packs a whopping 12,600 calories.
Its monstrous size is only matched by its enormous taste. The World's Largest Gummy Bear tastes just as delicious as its pint-sized counterpart.Available in several flavors: blue raspberry, red cherry, and green apple. Hand-made in the USA.
Each bear will set you back $30 plus whatever you incur at the dentist. Which, if you play your cards right and flirt with the hygienist, could be a tank of nitrous. Just saying, A-WAHWAHWAHWAHWAHWAH. I feel like I'm on a spaceship!
Hit the jump for a moderately humorous commercial for the things.
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Apr 27 2009 Real Sugar: Mountain Dew 'Throwback'
Just for the summer (unless they're hugely popular) Pepsi is producing Mountain Dew and Pepsi 'Throwback', which both contain natural sugar instead of that high fructose maize (I'm part Cherokee) syrup bullshit.
The first thing I noticed was how smooth the carbonated soda went down. It's not nearly as harsh as the standard type and I'm sure peeps who aren't avid Mountain Dew drinkers will appreciate the difference.
Also, the aftertaste. It's more natural and clean. Hell, even my burps taste different. I LOVE IT.
Different tasting burps, now that's a selling point. It's like how Maker's Mark makes my vomit taste different. Mmmm. Unfortunately, Dew Throwback contains thrice the Yellow #5 as regular Mountain Dew, so you 'Throwback' fanatics can kiss your penises goodbye.
Review: Mountain Dew Throwback [crunchgear]
Thanks to Octopus Pie, who hates high fructose corn syrup almost as much as low fructose corn syrup.
Sep 2 2008 Highly Questionable: The DJ Mobile
The DJ Mobile was built by Dutch artist Olaf Mooij and looks like the lovechild of a subcompact that f***ed a rocketship. The deafening piece was inspired by a song called "God is a DJ" and the Pope-mobile. I'd prefer the bulletproof bubble myself, but I have a lot of enemies. Unfortunately, the DJ mobile isn't meant to be used while driving, making it infinitely less cool than I originally imagined. Which, if you want to get all scientifical, wasn't even cool. Still, I would pour sugar in the gas tank.
Hit the jump for several more pictures of the eardrum popper.
