Nov 19 2009 Air Blower iPhone App Really Blows Air (See What I Did There? There's More To Come!)

Looking for the latest and least greatest in iPhone apps? Check out the $1 "Blower" app. It sucks blows sucks and blows is f***ing stupid.

Thanks to the new "Blower" app, iPhone owners will now be able to blow out candles with their handset. Just "switch on your app, turn the iPhone volume to the max and feel the air flowing from the speaker opening."

Unlock the new mind-blowing secret feature on your iPhone. Turn your iPhone into a real Air Blower!

Mind-blowing secret feature my ass. An x-ray camera, now THAT'S a mind-blowing secret feature. Or the ability to make calls to the dead. Phone developers, are you getting all this? Because I'm not buying another phone until I can talk to George Washington and take pictures of Martha's underwear. Just saying.

Hit the jump for a video of the app blowing out candles. WHEE, what a birthday!

Continue Reading " Air Blower iPhone App Really Blows Air (See What I Did There? There's More To Come!) "

Nov 11 2009 That....Sounds Dangerous -- I Must Try It!

This is a 9-second video of an evil mad scientist pouring liquid nitrogen in his mouth and blowing out vapor. Why? Because he's mad, yo! Even worse than that tea-loving mother with the big hat.

Though it may look like this scientist is actually drinking the liquid nitrogen, he says that with a bit of practice, "it is easy not to swallow liquid nitrogen and make cool condensed vapor come out of the nostrils."

I would have drank it. I would have drank it and asked for another one. Bartender, another cold one. No, another REAAALLY cold one. You catch my drift? I'm talking about liquid nitrogen. And I want two of those little umbrellas and a plastic cutlass with cherries AND YOU BETTER NOT CHARGE ME FOR THEM. Now, get ready to call the paramedics.

How Scientists Chill Out [techeblog]

Thanks to naas, who once drank liquid gasoline trying to siphon my gas tank. That's what you get!

Nov 4 2009 Moron Scores DWI In Breathalyzer Costume

18-year old idiot moron James N. P. Miller (because one initial wasn't enough) scored a DWI (you can't even drink legally!) on Halloween while wearing his 'blow here' breathalyzer costume. Not so good lookin', N.P. Can I call you N.P.? You know I'm going to anyways.

According to a police report, 18-year-old James N. P. Miller, of Cincinnati, was seen driving the wrong way out of the entrance to a one-way street at East Park Place in Oxford.

Inside his car, officers allegedly found an open container of Bud Light in the center console.

Officers also found what was left of a case of Bud Light in the passenger side front seat and in the trunk.

The legal limit in Ohio is .08 BAC--Miller tested at .158. He was cited for operating a vehicle while intoxicated (among other violations) and released to his girlfriend.

I actually know a guy that wore the same costume on Halloween and try as I might, I couldn't get a reading. I dunno, dead batteries or something.

Moron In Breathalyzer Costume Busted For Driving Drunk [gizmodo]

Thanks to Chris, who blew even harder than I did.

Oct 29 2009 You're Doing It Wrong: Robbery Masks Fail

Want to rob a house? Need a mask? Pfft, just Sharpie your face off like these idiot morons! Note: +2 homoerotic style points to Matthew for opting for a Robin mask.

Police said they had no trouble identifying two men accused of trying to break into a Carroll apartment.

Police were responding to a call about an attempted burglary when they pulled over a car matching the alleged suspects' vehicle. Inside the car, officers found two men with their faces blackened with permanent marker.

Police said the caller described two men with painted faces attempting to break into an apartment Friday night before driving off.

Wow. I haven't seen two bigger bags of fail in a long time. I can't stop laughing! Mmmm, nitrous. Makes me want to go to dental school.

Police: Marker Bandits Arrested [kcci]

Thanks to Kelly, who once tried robbing a house with a bra over her face but was arrested when she got stuck trying to climb through the doggy door.

Oct 21 2009 Oh Wow: Illegal Alien Halloween Costume

This is a Illegal Alien Halloween costume that's just been pulled from Target and Amazon. I wouldn't wear it, and not just because masks make it harder to drink.

Many are outraged over an "Illegal Alien" costume that depicts its wearer as a space alien in a prison jumpsuit brandishing a giant "green card." Understandably, those concerned over immigrant rights see this as a swipe at the Hispanic community.

The products official description reads:

"He didn't just cross a border, he crossed a galaxy! He's got his green card, but it's from another planet! Sure to get some laughs, the Illegal Alien Adult Costume includes an orange prison-style jumpsuit with 'Illegal Alien' printed on the front, an alien mask and a 'green card.'"

Listen, I promised myself I wouldn't use this blog to push my own political agenda on you folks, so I'm not going to. But I am going to use it to shamelessly self promote and sell some t-shirts. So buy my book and some t-shirts, damnit.*

*Book and t-shirts possibly coming soon. Maybe.

'Illegal Alien' Costume Being Pulled from Some Store Shelves [hispanicbusiness]

Thanks to Alex, who has been a pirate four years running and is going for a fifth. Of rum. HIYO!

Sep 8 2009 WTF Is Wrong With You?: Twlight Corn Maze

This is a Twilight themed corn maze in Utah (a state best known for people forgetting is a state) celebrating the new movie that's coming out later this year that I, for one, can't wait to see (read: I'd rather have ants eat my eyeballs while I'm awake and screaming and a dominatrix hammers at my junk with a meat tenderizer). I just put this up for you ladies out there that are in love with this garbage and know what 'Team Jacob' means. Because I sure as hell don't. *Googling* Holy shit, this teen-wolf character actually sounds pretty cool. NOOOOOOT. High five for the oldschool burn!

Also, haiku contest winners will be announced later tonight (I still have 400 haikus left to read).

'Twilight' fans can get happily get lost in corn [ohnotheydidnt]

Thanks to pstone, who has never run through a cornfield backwards but has been to prison. Similar feelings.

Aug 11 2009 How To Lose Your Job Via Facebook Status

We already saw one jackass nearly lose his job over his Facebook status, and here comes a chick that actually managed to go all the way. Congratulations -- you're an idiot moron! This is exactly why you can't be social networking friends with your coworkers. Am I right?

The Geekologie Writer is the Superficial Writer gobbles donkey balls while IWatchStuff lives up to his name.

Note to self: Don't 'friend' your boss on FB and then bitch about your job. [thenextweb]

Thanks to Allison and max, both of whom I talk smack about behind their backs.

Aug 9 2009 No, Wrong, No: $32,000 Golden Computers

I don't care if a computer can run a real-time simulation of the Big Bang while playing Crysis at the highest settings and rendering a HD home movie you made of the neighbor's dog humping a stray cat, it shouldn't cost $32,000.

Gaiser High End Design PCs range from $7,820 to $32,300, and it isn't because they've got such great components. No, it's because they have 24 carat parpartial gilding with gold leaf.

Yeah, no. Although, I DID just think of a computer that is worth $32,000. It's called my old laptop, and I'll even sign it for you. And, not to get your hopes up, but it may contain some nudey pics (I'll make sure it does).

Aug 6 2009 Two 14-Foot Laptops + Terrible Hosts = This

In an attempt to sell me parts to make a bomb, Radio Shack is hosting 'The Shack Summer Netogether' for the next couple days. What the hell's a netogether? Imagine two 14-foot laptops, one in San Francisco and one in New York. Now imagine two idiot moron hosts with distorted mics talking to each other about the most asinine bullshit. "What do you know about Miami?" "I know they have a basketball team". I'm not even kidding, I almost impaled myself on my laptop. But I didn't because I love you. No, not you, you. Mmmm, those massive jaws and little arms. "RAWR!" OMG -- you know what that does to me!

I'm warning you, it's painful to watch

Thanks to Stephen, who saved himself the trouble and punched himself in the eyes and ears for two hours.

Aug 5 2009 This Page Is Stupid And Cannot Be Displayed

This could be older than dino bones (but NOWHERE NEAR as sexy) for all I know, I just thought it was humorous because I pretty much see this message all the time and it makes me want to put my fist through the computer screen. Which I don't hesitate to do. Seriously, I'm already on like my fourth laptop. Of the day.

This page is stupid and cannot be displayed [org.nz]

Thanks to Nik, who once punched through his monitor and broke one of the internet's tubes.

Aug 4 2009 Goodbye Cruel World: Snuggies For Dogs

Snuggies for dogs. Or, "Why the Geekologie Writer had a staring match with an oncoming train and lost on purpose." $15 plus $8 shipping gets you a dog Snuggie, a recordable dog tag, and a complete loss of respect for your dog. Just pay additional shipping and you'll get two of each! Act now and I'll even knee you in the genitals -- FREE! And you will like it. YES SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER? You may!

Product Site

Thanks to David, who loves his dog too much to do this to it. Right, David? RIGHT?!

Aug 3 2009 Candle Melter Makes New Candles From Old

The Candle Quick is a glorified stove pot that melts pre-burnt candles to make new ones. Melt multiple candles together for unique smell combinations! Including, and virtually limited to: complete stinking ass! The Candle Quick costs $25 and, despite what the picture would have you believe, is best used WHILE PAYING ATTENTION. I can already hear the fire trucks from here.

Recycling candles is what this economy has brought us to [dvice]

Jul 31 2009 Idiot Moron Facebook Geek Test Is Flawed

So there's this alleged 'Geek Test' on Facebook that I took and I scored a 2 out of 10. A FREAKING TWO! Do you know who I am, you stupid Facebook piece of test? Who wrote you? TELL ME WHO WROTE YOU!! Because I am going to beat them within a micron of their life with a science book and then cut them with a laser. Also, as an added Friday bonus, I left my picture up. So in case you were wondering, that's me. TOO BAD I ALREADY CHANGED IT AGAIN, SUCKERS! And if you haven't already, join the Geekologie fanpage on Facebook OR I WILL DRINK THIS CAT.

Link to Geek Test From Geekologie Page

Jul 28 2009 Spoiled Brat Gets 98" TV In Ceiling Above Bed

Patti Deni, undoubtedly trying to make up for her lack of parenting (or child droppage), had a 98-inch StarGlas60 television installed in the ceiling above her teenage son's bed.

"Because it's so big and has such a wide viewing angle, Patty's son wouldn't have to lay flat on his back necessary to see the screen," Bohner explains.

"He and his friends can prop themselves just about anywhere and get a good view," adds Patty.

Wow. I didn't even have a TV in my bedroom until I was....okay, I don't think I've ever had a TV in my bedroom. And you know why? Because I don't sleep. LIKE EDWARD IN TWILIGHT. Only I'm dreamier. Somebody, anybody, back me up. DO IT NOW!

100-inch Screen Gets Mounted Flush in the Ceiling [electronichouse]

Thanks to naas and 42 y/o undead warlock, whose kids are lucky to not sleep under the dining room table.

Jul 22 2009 Robot Built To Model Wedding Dresses

'Miimu', a HRP-4C robot, is seen here being utilized as a runway model for Japanese fashion designer Yumi Katsura's line of bridal gowns. And, since I know women so well, I'll give you men a little insight into how their minds work.

"I really love this dress -- but how would it look on a robot?"

Which brings up another disconcerting thought -- robot marriage. And you know what's sad? They'll probably allow unholy robotic matrimony before gay marriage. And that, my friends, makes me want to blow up the moon. And I don't even care if it's delicious cheese.

It's a nice day for a robot wedding [metro]

Thanks to Doctor Steel and Graf Zeppelin, who together form Doctor Graf Steel Zeppelin, which, you know, is pretty cool.

Jun 15 2009 Finally, I Can Sleep At Night: New 'People Simultaneously Air Guitaring' Record Set

Music fans at the recent UK Download Festival gathered around an EA booth to celebrate the future release of Brutal Legend and set a new 'people simultaneously playing the same song on air guitar' Guinness World Record. In this case, there were 440 people (beating last year's 318) playing Motörhead's "Ace of Spades".

'That was one of the raddest jams I've ever been involved with. The crowd played their air guitars better than Eddie Van Halen! Then they destroyed 'em good and proper. Who cares, right? They can go to the air guitar shop and get another one. Sick to the infinity of sickness! I want a crowd like that at every gig I'm at. Awesometacular - air guitar world records rule!'

Wow, that might very well be the least raddest quote I've ever been involved with. Besides that one about me experimenting with a robot. WHICH IS A LIE. The video too.

Brutal Legend Fans Set Air Guitar World Record [kotaku]

Thanks to Julian, who has officially set the record for number of Geekologie tips used.

May 28 2009 The Worst And Saddest Of Yahoo! Answers

Okay, this one is actually legit, but everything after the jump isn't. They're the kind of questions that make you want to bathe with a toaster (or SPOILER ALERT: poisonous jellyfish). I assume some of them are fake, but I sadly guarantee a good portion are serious. And, well, *pouring out a little liquor* it's been real, humanity.

Hit it for a dozen or so of the worst questions ever asked.

Continue Reading " The Worst And Saddest Of Yahoo! Answers "

Apr 28 2009 The 'Spinning From A Drill' World Record

Ever wanted to see some asshat set the world record for number of rotations completed (141) while hanging from a power drill mounted to the ceiling? Me neither. But I did watch it, and now it's your turn. And, if you just so happens you're one of those people that can't watch videos at work, congratulations, today's your lucky day.

Man Makes 141 Rotations Hanging From a Power Drill, Sets Stupid World Record [gizmodo]

Thanks to Eric, who holds the world record for beating up people with stupid world records. Uh-oh, Eric, you may have to punch yourself!

Apr 23 2009 Baby Shaking App Pulled From iTunes Store

In an unshocking turn of events, Apple has pulled 'Baby Shaker', an iPhone application that allows users to shake a baby until red X's appear over its eyes and it stops crying, from the iTunes store.

Within a day of the game being available for download, childcare organisations had reacted with fury to the game's shocking premise.

An Apple spokesman would not comment on why the program was initially approved for sale nor about how many people downloaded the game. Apple screens every iPhone application and has rejected a number of controversial apps in the past, including one that let iPhone users throw virtual shoes at President Bush.

First of all, shaking babies isn't really funny. And secondly, I'm more than a little pissed that POS application got approved and mine didn't. How the hell does 'Baby Shaker' make it and not, 'The Oregon Happy Trail: An Adventure In My Pants'. What? It was educational! You died of gonorrhea.

Also, I've had several requests for a Geekologie iPhone app. Personally, I view the site in the browser, but hey, if somebody wants to make one, I won't pay you. But I will make you famous. Internet famous.

Video of the 'game' after the jump.

Continue Reading " Baby Shaking App Pulled From iTunes Store "

Apr 22 2009 Two Pennsylvania Men Set Texting Record

That's right, in a bid to be crowned the world's biggest losers, Nick Andes, 29 and Doug Klinger, 30, sent over 217,000 text messages during the month of March. Also, Nick was mistakenly sent a $27K phone bill (which has since been cleared up) for the textacular achievement. You two must be so proud.

Andes and Klinger were able to set up their phones to send multiple messages. During a February test run they found they could send 6,000 or 7,000 messages on some days, prompting the March messaging marathon.

"Most were either short phrases or one word, 'LOL' or 'Hello,' things like that, with tons and tons of repeats," said Andes, reached by phone.

Andes sent more than 140,000 messages, and Klinger sent more than 70,000 to end the month with a total of just over 217,000, he said.

Wow, that has got to be one of the saddest things I've ever copy/pasted. And this is coming from a guy who copy/pasted a picture of a smushed cat all around town to encourage people to drive slower. So yeah, I'm the authority. Now -- up against the wall and spread em! Wider. Haha, you ripped your pants.

Record attempt reaps 217K texts, $26K phone bill [myway]

Thanks to Thumperchica, who agrees some records are best left unbroken.