Aug 31 2009 Setting A Good Example: Pole Dancing Doll

These pole dancing dolls are real products despite everything you know about life telling you they shouldn't be. I'll tell you one thing: no daughter of mine is playing with a damn stripper doll. I'm looking right at you, Barbie. Hussy! Product features:

• style
• interesting
• music
• flash
• up and down
• go round and round

Wow. That's, uh, really something. Really something wrong with the world. I mean, how the hell does something like this get approved for manufacture and sale? Japan. Right, I keep forgetting.

Pole Dancer Doll Doesn't Really Set the Perfect Role Model [gizmodo]

Thanks to Octopus Pie, far tastier than Squid Cake.

Aug 27 2009 Stripteas Teabags Aren't What You Think

Unless you thought they were teabags that cling to the side of your teacup via paper stripper, in which case, congratulations, you were correct. Unfortunately, unlike those novelty pens that showcase a naked women when you turn them upside down, you don't get to see any privates. Which is actually fine with me CAUSE I DON'T WANT NO MAN'S JUNK IN MY TEA ANYWAYS. Except you, Earl Grey.

Super sexy tea bags [newlaunches]

Thanks to Tim and sergei, who never miss tea time because they like to put on their big hats and be dainty.

Jun 3 2009 Just Doing My Job: 2009 Pole Dancing Contest

NOTE: Probably NSFW just because most employers frown on videos of dancers working the pole, but there is no nudity or even thongs, so yeah, use your own discretion (read: push play).

No need to thank me folks, just doing my job. Also, I saw things happen in this video that I didn't think were humanly possible (mostly towards the end). Beautiful things. Think a family of unicorns cresting a double rainbow on the first day of spring, but then replace that with a stripper throwing her hooha around a pole and you've got it.

Youtube

Thanks to Party Kid Transformer and Julia, who can perform all these stunts without the pole because they're both powerful sorcerers.

Apr 10 2009 Anything Can Happen: Stripper Turns Nun

Anna Nobili is a 38-year old stripper veteran who has been dancing the lap for 20 years all across Europe. But not anymore! She has seen the light, and now only dances for Jesus. I'd tithe her.

Sister Anna, originally from Milan, says she was 'inspired' during a visit to the shrine of St Francis in Assisi. Deciding she wanted more out of life, Miss Nobili has joined the the order of the Sister Workers of the Holy House of Nazareth.

"I was throwing away my life dancing for men. I was being used as a drug by people who wanted to see me dance."

Next week she will be in Rome to perform a ballet called Holy Dance, dedicated to episodes from the Bible, for senior cardinals and bishops.

I apologize if you already watched the video, I meant to warn you it makes no sense, features no quality strip-club action, and only briefly shows Anna doing her new dance for God (around 2:45). The rest is an interview in Italian that I couldn't understand. Still, for 38, she's not the worst looking stripper I've ever seen. Fun fact: they let the dancers perform pregnant in West Virginia. It's true. And I can say that because I was born there. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M WILD AND WONDERFUL, BITCHES, WHAT?!

Sister Anna dances for God after 20 years as a lapdancer [couriermail]

Thanks to Julian, who allegedly saw an arm pop out during a lap dance and *HORF HORF HORF HORF HORF* I can't believe I just wrote that.

Mar 25 2009 Stephen Colbert's Name On Space Station

Stephen Colbert just won a contest to have a new section of the International Space Station named after him. Unfortunately, those sticklers at NASA probably won't let it fly -- or orbit (ZING!).

The name "Colbert" beat out NASA's four suggested options in the space agency's effort to have the public help name the addition. The new room will be launched later this year.

NASA's mistake was allowing write-ins.

Colbert urged viewers of his Comedy Central show, "The Colbert Report" to write in his name - and they complied, with 230,539 votes. That clobbered Serenity, one of the NASA choices, by more than 40,000 votes.

NASA reserves the right to choose an appropriate name. Agency spokesman John Yembrick said NASA will decide in April, but will give top vote-getters "the most consideration."

Colbert sounds just as good as Serenity if you ask me. But they're both kind of weak. I was sort of hoping for something with a little more pizazz. Namely, "The GW's Intergalactic Boom Boom Room: where the beer is yesterday's urine and the lapdances are OUT OF THIS WORLD®".

Comic Colbert wins NASA space station name contest [yahoonews]

Thanks to Pepe Le PEWPEW, who wrote in 'The PEW PEW Room', which I agree, does have a ring to it.

Feb 12 2009 Good Times: David After The Divorce

Remember David, the little kid who was high as a kite after going to the dentist? Well this is him 20 years later after going to get a divorce. The video was made by a couple members of the Upright Citizens Brigade theater. I thought it was humorous, but possibly only because I can relate. And now David, I'd like to share with you a passage from my memoir, The GW: Life and Times of an Illustrious Blogger, that may help you through this troubled period.

"...and in my hour of darkness I approached The Superficial Writer with my problems. Prophetically, he spoke, "Lap dances. As many as you can get before they catch on." Then, stuffing a stack of photocopied $20's in my jacket pocket, he sent me on my way.

Later that night, as I entered The Cat Box for the first time, I felt a lightness about me -- as if a giant weight bitch had been lifted from my shoulders..."

Like that? Well stay tuned for Chapter 6: Getting Tested. The GW: Life and Times of an Illustrious Blogger hits book shelves this fall.

If that video wasn't your cup of tea hit the jump for the David After The Dentist Remix as well as Chad Vader After The Dentist.

Continue Reading " Good Times: David After The Divorce "

Jan 4 2009 Sexy Pole-Dancing LEGO Minifig Works For Tips In The Everfrost Mountain Brewery

High atop the snow-covered peak of Everfrost Mountain the elves brew a wicked batch of grog -- a grog so powerful it can etch diamonds and make a Goron's pee burn. I'm telling you, that stuff will even put hair on an infant's chest. It's true, look at my newborn. Just kidding, that's a Furby. Anyway, this is a LEGO brewpub built by a guy named Andrew. And what brewpub is complete without a pole-dancing LEGO minifig? None. And this particular dancer is powered by a 9v motor, so she spins about the pole like a champ -- in both directions (video after the jump)! Which is a lot more than I can say for the last stripper I saw -- she tried to slide down the pole upside down and fell on her neck! Needless to say, I took my dollar back while she was dazed.

Hit the jump for a short video of Plastica doing her thing on the pole.

Continue Reading " Sexy Pole-Dancing LEGO Minifig Works For Tips In The Everfrost Mountain Brewery "

Oct 27 2008 What A Wonderful Super Mario World

Geekologie songwriter in residence brentalfloss is back at it, this time with a ditty called "Super Mario World", sung in the style of "What a Wonderful World". And, as a longtime Louis Armstrong fan and guy who drank his weight in gin & tonic (I hate gin) in New Orleans last week: I lost a contact in an ice-filled urinal and had to beat up a stripper. True story.

Youtube

Thanks to brentalfloss, the man behind the microphone.

Oct 13 2008 $43 Japanese Stress-Relieving Milk

Stressed? Love milk? How about a $43 bottle of stress-relieving milk straight from the Lon-Lon Ranch?

Tokyo-based Nakazawa Foods will launch the "Adult Milk" line of products in October targetting "adults who live in a stressful society," the company said in a statement. The milk is taken from cows once a week at the break of dawn, as they discharge a lot of a stress-relieving hormone called melatonin during the night, the company said. It is said to contain three to four times as much melatonin as usual milk.

Mmm, stress-relieving milk. But $43? No way. So here's what you do: go to a strip club, a really seedy one. Oh, and one that stays open till 5am (when melatonin production is at its peak). Then pay one of strippers that just gave birth $2 for a taste. And, if it's legit, offer her a five-spot to fill up an empty beer bottle.

Japanese can now buy stress-relief milk -- for 43 dollars per bottle [akihabaranews]

Thanks to Karina, who agrees you should be allowed to suck straight from the teat for $1.

Oct 13 2008 Strip Club Features Drive-Thru Service

Apparently there's a strip club in Pennsylvania that offers drive-thru service.

The Climax "Gentleman's Club" operates in Delmont, Pennsylvania, on Route 22 35 miles east of Pittsburgh. In April of this year, Climax unveiled a new innovation, which is most likely a first in the country: drive-thru strippers. Motorists can now pay $5 a minute to view strippers from the comfort of the front seat of their own car. Most customers end up with a tab of about $10-$15, but already one person paid $100 for a mere 20 minutes.

$100? Jesus, that's like four lap dances. And I've got the feeling that's not an option in the drive through. Although it certainly should be. Oh -- oh God, I'll never look at that gearshift the same.

drive-thru strippers [everything2]

Thanks to chip, who pioneered drive-thru casinos.

Sep 11 2008 Wait, What?: High Heels For Babies

Heelarious High Heels are your baby girl's first precious step to a life of stripping. Made for infants 0-6 months old, the $35 shoes practically guarantee a future in exotic entertainment. Okay, so they're actually just crib shoes that have a foam heel, but still, I think we can all agree this is fundamentally wrong. Thankfully, I'll never have a daughter -- I always insist my girlfriend be on top.

FUTURE UPDATE: Wow, three girls in a row. Seriously, this woman on top thing just isn't freaking working. So, to you parents of boys out there -- how did you do it? Is the secret in the butt? Just wink one brown eye if it is. I knew it!

Official Website

Thanks to Melanie, who grew up wearing rocket boots and is now an astronaut.

Aug 29 2008 Exemplary Parenting: A Grand Theft Auto Cake For Your 4-Year Old. Oh Man, Please Tell Me A Stripper Jumped Out Of It!

What better way is there to celebrate Lil Derrick's 4th birthday than with a violence packed video game and a couple strippers? Exactly, none. But seeing how GTA: San Andreas came out a while ago, I imagine Lil Derrick is probably a little older now. So, from all of us here at Geekologie (just me): Happy 7th Birthday Derrkick, I sent you a cake in juvie. Oh, and there's a surprise inside. Hint: It's a knife. It's your birthday, get stabby!

I Believe the Children are Our Future [cakewrecks]

Thanks to Nils, who baked a handgun cake for his son's 4th birthday because, damnit, the man knows good parenting.

Jul 16 2008 Tempest Storm, Born 1928, Still Stripping

Tempest Storm was born in 1928 by some other name and was stripping by 1950. And guess what -- she's still at it. And, oh, I just puked a little.

"I don't just get up there and rip my clothes off," she says.

Indeed, the 80-year-old burlesque queen takes her clothes off very slowly.

Her act is a time capsule. She knows nothing of poles. She would never put her derriere in some man's face. Her prop of choice is a boa, perhaps the occasional divan.

It takes four numbers, she says adamantly, four numbers to get it all off. To do it classy.

I disagree Tempest, three minutes is about all the class I can stand. Anyway, the geriatric Storm claims she dated Elvis and regularly danced for the likes of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Mickey Rooney, Nat King Cole, and The Geekologie Writer's great-grandfather. Okay, the puke dribble has developed into a full fledged projectile vomit, so I'm gonna have to wrap things up here with another quote.

Oh my God, I'm emptying my whole stomach.

Ha, I quoted myself. Hit the jump for two more pictures, but a warning: one is from the back (waist up) and shows her in her stripping outfit. It's definitely suitable for work, but not for a mere mortal's eyes. You have been warned. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. I WARNED YOU. WARNING, WARNING! DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! F*** it, lose your sight, I don't care.

Hit it if you're cool with blindness.

Continue Reading " Tempest Storm, Born 1928, Still Stripping "

Jun 3 2008 Master Chief Made Entirely Out Of Balloons

If there is one thing I hate at a birthday party it's a creepy-ass clown. A close second are magicians. But after magicians come balloon animal makers. And not just because the one I hired for my college graduation party got drunk and swung his little balloon covered unit around like a helicopter in front of my entire family, but that's part of it. Well the guy shown here, known to sobbing children in the Provo, Utah area as Balloon Guy, makes some pretty serious balloon sculptures. Seen in the photo is Master Chief, but hit the jump for a Star Wars AT-AT, Mario, a Ninja Turtle, and what may or may not be Optimus Prime. Balloon Guy says he'll make anything "as long as it's family friendly." BOOOO! You're telling me you're gonna show up dressed like that and not make balloon privates? Secretary, cancel Balloon Guy for the company picnic, we'll have to go with our backup: pony rides and a stripper.

Hit the jump for all the highly questionable other.

Continue Reading " Master Chief Made Entirely Out Of Balloons "

Jun 2 2008 GENIUS: A Candle That Smells Like Strippers

Sometimes there's a candle that comes along and changes the way I look at wax-fueled flames forever. And this is one -- The Hotwicks Stripper Candle. The $9 candle smells like strippers.

It's a candle and an alibi all in one! You don't smell like a stripper, you just smell like a candle.

This is our favorite candle. After hundreds of hours of research and a lot of dollar bills we succeeded in capturing the legendary stripper scent. If you don't know what a stripper smells like just imagine the perfume counter at your local department store times a thousand... then add some glitter. This is a perfect gift for your favorite bachelor, groomsmen, or retired stripper who misses her pole.

OMGWTFNOMORESLEEPINGINTHEDOGHOUSEFORTHEGEEKOLOGIEWRITER! Wow, I really need to shake the hands of the humanitarians that spent those countless hours researching this breakthrough in scent technology. Good people. Now when I come home and the wife accuses me of stripclubbing, I'll insist it's just the candle. But if she asks why I have a pastie stuck to my forehead I'll have to run and hide in the bathroom.

Another picture of the candle after the jump.

Continue Reading " GENIUS: A Candle That Smells Like Strippers "

May 23 2008 My New Favorite Website: Knicker Pickers

Knicker Pickers is my new favorite website. It's a virtual dressing room for intimate wear (read: bras and panties!). I posted a picture of a sportswear selection there, but that's only because I was looking for the most SFW screencap I could find. I've been perusing the site for several months, and can remember when they only had three models. Well now they have five and the site is better than ever! You just pick whatever delicates you want the model to wear, and then you can make her turn around, come closer, come closer and then turn around, and walk away. It's awesome. I mean I'd never buy anything from the freaking site, but that hasn't stopped me from seeing every outfit. Even my girlfriend likes it. And by "likes it" I mean she makes me tell her how imperfect the girls look and how beautiful she is. The same thing she used to do at strip clubs until I started leaving her in the car. Now I know what you feminists are thinking, and yes, I leave a window cracked if I'm parked in the sun.

Knicker Pickers Dressing Room (probably NSFW seeing how it's a bunch of chicks walking around in thongs)

May 8 2008 A Stripper Pole Wii Game In The Works?

Is there a stripper pole Wii game in the works? Possibly.

While details are sketchy, the thought is likely that such a game would take advantage of the Wii Fit balance board, which arrives next month. You can imagine how such a "game" might work, with players tasked with balancing on the pole for certain lengths of time or in certain positions.

The company behind the possible game is Peekaboo Pole Dancing, which specializes in pole dancing kits and videos (including the Carmen Electra one). There has been no word on how Nintendo feels about the idea, but my guess is not ecstatic. But who knows? I do. They're not ecstatic.

Ha, this reminds me of a funny story. When my siblings and I were in college my sister was moonlighting as a stripper. I went to the club once with a bunch of my friends for some steaks and entertainment, completely unaware of her secret profession. Lo and behold -- my sister dancing naked! Oh man, the hilarity that ensued. Seriously, you should have seen me trying to gouge my eyes out with the end of a T-bone. Hilarious.

Game company plans stripper pole for Nintendo Wii [yahoo]

Thanks to Heather, the best dancer you'll never get to see

Apr 2 2008 Pole Dancer Alarm Clock Looks Cheap, Just How I Like My Alarm Clocks, Wine, & Women

This Pole-Dancing Alarm Clock looks like an utter piece of crap, a lot like the USB Stripper. It costs $40. What do you get for your two Jacksons?

Product Features:
• Spinning Pole/Dancer
• Music
• Time
• Alarm

Awesome. So she swings around to the tune of some cheesy song. On an alarm clock base that you can't even read the time on. Where in the hell do they come up with this garbage? It's uch junk. And how about the way they're objectifying women? Downright tacky. I swear, I'm tempted to write the company making this and tell them how disgusted I am. I wouldn't pay a single red cent for such a crappy crap crapingly *girlfriend steps out of room to stuff her face with ice cream* AWESOME alarm clock that I simply MUST have. One for each room of the house. Oooh, and one for the dashboard of my car. What the hell, one for the back window too.

Pole-Dancer Alarm Clock helps you rise to the occasion [dvice]

Aug 9 2007 USB Stripper

Well for all of you out there that have given up on ever getting laid, there may be hope yet. You might at least get to see one more naked lady in your life (besides your mother), and for you it's the USB powered stripper (of course you'll have to scrape her painted bikini off first with your car keys)! For 169,00 DK you can have a plastic Barbie glued to a pole that

gyrates and rubs up and down her pole in time to the flashing lights and backing music.

Sound too good to be true? It probably is. Better luck in the next life. Now if you'll excuse me I've got to get ready for a date, my centerfold girlfriends are coming over to play twister.

Just kidding guys, I have faith in you. Get out there and touch a boobie (a real one - and legally).

USB Stripper [Gadgets.dk]