Oct 13 2008 $43 Japanese Stress-Relieving Milk
Stressed? Love milk? How about a $43 bottle of stress-relieving milk straight from the Lon-Lon Ranch?
Tokyo-based Nakazawa Foods will launch the "Adult Milk" line of products in October targetting "adults who live in a stressful society," the company said in a statement. The milk is taken from cows once a week at the break of dawn, as they discharge a lot of a stress-relieving hormone called melatonin during the night, the company said. It is said to contain three to four times as much melatonin as usual milk.
Mmm, stress-relieving milk. But $43? No way. So here's what you do: go to a strip club, a really seedy one. Oh, and one that stays open till 5am (when melatonin production is at its peak). Then pay one of strippers that just gave birth $2 for a taste. And, if it's legit, offer her a five-spot to fill up an empty beer bottle.
Japanese can now buy stress-relief milk -- for 43 dollars per bottle [akihabaranews]
Thanks to Karina, who agrees you should be allowed to suck straight from the teat for $1.
May 14 2008 Man Grows Old Right Before Your Eyes
Wow, I really need to ramp up my efforts to live a more stress free life. I don't wanna end up like this guy, who, in the span of three years, went from a young dapper lad to an old diaper clad. Apparently he's a Japanese news reporter that let the stress of the job get the best of him. Listen, I've got a piece of advice for those of you out there that feel like you may be headed down the same path. Hookers. They help you live a happy, stress (but not necessarily VD) free life. I'd still frequent them if I didn't get wrapped up in this whole "marriage" thing. It's seriously killing me, and I've only been hitched for two years. It started with gradual hair loss, then a strange rash. Next came a chest pain, and now I can't hear (over the sound of my wife's blathering piehole). Oh no -- oh no. Hold on a sec. "Hey, wait, please don't go -- I need you. PLEASE. No, not them too. Come on, maybe tonight'll be the night. No I haven't been saying that for two years! Come back, I beg you!" *sobbing* Well folks, it's official -- my proverbial sausage has packed his metaphorical meatballs and left. Life as I know it, is over. I might as well become a leper.
Feb 26 2008 Robotic Breast Massager Is Unsurprisingly Questionable As Hell
Man I have no idea where to even begin with this one, but I'll try. Mr. Wang Wei, owner of Beijing BUBBY (I assume that's Chinese for booby) Robot Technologies, has created a robotic breast massager. Mr. Wei did this when he realized he'll probably never get to touch one himself. I've posted his very convincing business proposal after the jump, which is a must read and explains who can benefit from such a device. As a potential investor I had the unfortunate opportunity to give the device a go, and I've got to say: it felt the exact same as the other time I was groped by a robot with flower-shaped hands. And that one was a window washer.
Mr. Wei's very convincing business proposal after the jump.
Continue Reading " Robotic Breast Massager Is Unsurprisingly Questionable As Hell "
Jan 8 2008 Massager Keeps Your Fingers Feeling Good
The 'Yubi Lax germa' is a finger massager from Japan. It runs ¥945 (~$8.60), but I couldn't find anyone shipping to the US, so someone please purchase one and send it to me. My fingers really need it. All this typing really takes its toll on my precious digits. This state of the art device even features germanium (not to be confused with geranium, which is a plant), a mineral that causes the thing to heat up when you're using it. Awesome. And since it came with no warning, I assume that it's also safe to use on your you-know-whats! And you do know what I'm talking about when I say your you-know-whats don't you? Fine, I'll spell it out for you so there will be no confusion - your t-o-e-s. Yes, don't neglect your toes, those things are important. This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home, this little piggy ate roast beef, this little piggy had none, and this little piggy got his penis caught in a Japanese finger massager because he was using it for an unintended purpose.
Massager for overworked fingers [popgadget]
Nov 1 2007 Zen Dolphin Relaxation Aid Is Questionable
The Zen Dolphin is a glowing blue plastic dolphin that's supposed to help you relax. It moves like it's swimming.
Relax as you watch Zen Dolphin magically swim above its illuminating base. Beautiful blue light makes it appear as though Zen Dolphin is effortlessly swimming through the sea. Perfect for home, as a night light, the office and more!
It costs around $40, and takes 3 C batteries. It also plays some underwater sounds and dolphin noises. I don't know about you, but it makes perfect sense to me. I get pretty stressed here in my cubicle, and I was just thinking the other day "You know what would really help me unwind? A giant plastic dolphin humping my desk. That should do the trick."
Video demonstration after the jump.
Continue Reading " Zen Dolphin Relaxation Aid Is Questionable "
Oct 1 2007 USB Whac-A-Mole Doesn't Relieve Stress
The USB stress relieving Whac-A-Mole ripoff, "Whack It" plays just like the original you used to play at Chuck E. Cheese's or local arcade, except that it's tiny and there's no damn mallet. So I guess it's not the same. You push the different colored heads with your finger as they light up. Whee! It costs $25. I love things USB but I may have to pass on this sucker. I mean it doesn't even dispense tickets to redeem for stupid trinkets and candy. What the hell? This guy wants some f'ing prizes.
Whac-A-Mole Comes To Desktop [ubergizmo]
Sep 24 2007 Stress Relieving Lamp-Pillow-Warmer Things
Superpatatas are lamp blobs created by Spanish product designer Hector Serrano. Playing with them makes the light brighter. They can also be used as squeezable stress relievers, pillows, or bed warming devices. I think they're pretty neat, and I'd get some, except I'm done with cords and broken glass. No cords or broken glass in this ass. That's a new motto of mine. Of course I would make an exception if they feel like a woman's booby.
Sep 19 2007 About Time Clock Isn't Accurate
The About Time Clock, designed by Buro Vormkrijgers, doesn't tell accurate time, and costs $170.
This innovative clock reveals the passing of time by rolling around your desk and telling time in one long continuous sentence. Designed in reaction to our stressed lives, where we tend to plan our daily activities to the minute, this clock simply tells you "It's about six o'clock" or "it's almost seven now". While rolling around your table, the slow but constant, almost meditative motion allows you to relax and maybe even forget about time for a few minutes.
What in the hell kind of hippie crap is that? If I'm two minutes late turning in a report, it's my balls on the chopping block. Minutes do matter. Who needs a clock that rolls off your desk and onto the floor anyways? The only way this thing could be useful is if it read "it's about time for you to get an f'ing clock that works, because I'm just a rolling piece of crap."
A closeup after the jump.
Aug 13 2007 USB Panic Button
The Panic Button is a USB gadget that fires up one of three "stress relieving" screensavers whenever you push it. While the screensavers are questionable (atomic bomb, punch your boss, and an excel spreadsheet look alike), I believe the idea itself has some merit. If you're anything like me you've learned that yelling "I wasn't looking at porno!" when anyone walks by your cubicle doesn't make the porno you're looking at disappear. Now, I'll just flip the top on this bad boy, yell "Fire in the hole!", mash the button, and dive under my desk until the coast is clear.
USB Panic Button [Reg Hardware]
