Sep 15 2009 Snake With Foot Found, Killed In China
I am seriously reconsidering my decision to procreate in China. What with all the winged cats and footed snakes, I don't want my children to grow up with three legs like their father, you know? My beneficial defects aside, I must admit: as an amateur herpetologist, I'm a little skeptical about a footed snake. It seems almost like it swallowed a lizard and then that bastard was all like, "oh hell naw!" and kicked through the snake's bitchass stomach.
Dean Qiongxiu, 66, said she discovered the reptile clinging to the wall of her bedroom with its talons in the middle of the night.
"I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw," said Mrs Duan of Suining, southwest China.Mrs Duan said she was so scared she grabbed a shoe and beat the snake to death before preserving its body in a bottle of alcohol.
I call shenanigans. Everybody knows snakes lost their right to feet after that one in Eden kept trying to touch Eve's boobs. Yes, I've read the Bible. He ended up stealing her nipples. And that, my flock, is where dried apricots come from. Amen.
Snake with foot found in China [telegraph]
Thanks to carmen, Matty and Chuck Nunchuck, who all have snaked feet. And this little piggy went to GAAAAAAAHH!!
Jul 16 2009 Reptilian Death Machines: More Robot Snakes
Snakes are inherently scary because of their phallic form factor, so you can imagine how I feel about robot snakes. This frightening bastard, created at Carnegie Mellon (watch your back!), is capable of traversing a variety of terrain, including, and not just limited to: handrails and stripper poles. I'll tell you what though: first time I see a robotic snake on stage at the Beaver Bungalow, I'm burning that dam to the ground.
Carnegie Mellon's robotic snake stars in a glamour video [engadget]
Thanks to Chase is First and steve, who once screamed "ROBOTIC SNAKE!" in line at an amusement park and got to ride in the front of the coaster twice before people finally caught on.
Jun 10 2009 Aaaah!: Israeli Army To Deploy Robot Snakes
Well folks, based on the tips I've been getting, it looks like today might turn into Robot Apocalypse Awareness Day (RAAD -- which is ironic, because this is far from the power of sick). Long story short: it's probably best to empty your bowels now. So, apparently the Israeli army has been working on the development of creepy robot snakes (not to be confused with these ones) for use in battle. Not cool. Also, they may need to brush up on their Photoshop skills if they were trying to inconspicuously remove the power cord from that picture.
Well, apparently, the snake's physical attributes and all-terrain mobility advantages haven't gone unnoticed by the Israeli military. The Jerusalem Post is reporting that the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) have introduced an all-terrain snake-like recon robot/UGV (Unmanned Ground Vehicle) a.k.a. robotic snake or "robot snake" to crawl around the battlefield looking for the enemy and potential targets. If it locates the enemy, the robot snake can then slither up to the enemy/target and record audio and video of that target, and then slither right back off.
There is even talk of packing the things with explosives (making them much more like my snake) so you can detonate your enemies from afar. You know, just like that computer game Worms, except nothing like that at all. More like that game Oh Shit What the Eff Are You Thinking, Israel?!. Yeah, just like that one.
Hit the jump for a video of the snake in action.
Continue Reading " Aaaah!: Israeli Army To Deploy Robot Snakes "
Jun 5 2009 I Want: These Custom Metal Gear Solid Shoes
These custom painted Metal Gear Solid shoes were made by UCLA student and artist Jacob Patterson (no relation to Robert Pattinson) and shown off at the E3 convention. I want like four for each foot. You know, because I have big feet. ;) Ladies, that wink was for you.
He is apparently going to talk with Kojima and team to discuss the possibility of mass-producing these shoes via the Puma brand. So if things go well expect to be able to buy these at a store near you sometime in the future!
Well I usually only wear flip flips and aqua socks, but I'd make an exception for these bad boys. And speaking of bad boys -- I've been one lately. Now which one of you lovely ladies wants to ride on my motorcycle. And by motorcycle I mean lawn mower. And by 'ride on' I mean cut the backyard. Any takers? Come on -- I'll make lemonade!
Hit the jump for two closeups.
Continue Reading " I Want: These Custom Metal Gear Solid Shoes "
Jun 2 2009 Mmmm: Poisonous Snake-Bitten Chicken
Apparently poisonous snake-bitten chicken is a popular dish in a parts of China, but it's coming under the heat for being cruel and unusual deliciousness.
Chinese health authorities are putting a stop to restaurants serving chickens which have been bitten to death by poisonous snakes and cooked up for a supposedly detoxing meal.
The dish, served by a small number of eateries in the southern province of Guangdong and the southwestern city of Chongqing, has generated a storm of publicity and controversy in the Chinese media and amongst bloggers.
Wow, that's pretty effed up. Like eating dried tiger penis just so you can pop a boner -- but with even more snake. HIYO!
China puts a stop to snake-bitten cock-in-a-pot [yahoonews]
Thanks to Ken, who once bit a poisonous snake's head off and sucked the venom out just for the hell of it.
Mar 22 2009 I Need Some!: Mercury(II) Thiocyanate
Mercury Thiocyanate used to be made into "Pharoah's Serpent" fireworks similar to the "black snake" tablets you light and watch grow into a crusty snake. Unfortunately, it produces mercury vapors during the process so now the tablets are made out of a much safer sodium bicarbonate compound. Boo, I know. Still, wicked awesome if you can get your hands on some. Which, thanks to my ultra-sweet Geekologie connections, I just have. So -- are you thinking what I'm thinking? If you guessed, "glue-stick a bunch to my penis and try to impress women at the bar", you are. High-five! Haha, that was just glue-stick, I swear. Now watch this!
UPDATE: IT BUUUUUUUURNS! *helicoptering* Ladies?
Thanks to John, who once beat Mr. Wizard in a match-holding contest.
Feb 5 2009 Remains Of Giant, Prehistoric Snake Found
The fossilized remains of a monster snake that used to eat the hell out of giant crocodiles and other delicious beasts have been found in Colombia. Also, a mountain of coke. Literally, I climbed it.
The newly discovered type of snake, named Titanoboa in honour of its immense size, was for 10 million years the largest land predator on earth. It weighed 1.25 tonnes (~1.4 tons) and with a length of 45 feet or more it would have been able to take on and eat pretty much any other animal it came across.
He added: "Truly enormous snakes really spark people's imagination, but reality has exceeded the fantasies of Hollywood. The snake that tried to eat Jennifer Lopez in the movie Anaconda is not as big as the one we found."
Well thank God he referenced Anaconda, because otherwise I'd have no idea how big this snake really was. So this thing actually could eat Jennifer Lopez. Is she fat? I have no idea. Who do I look like, The Superficial Writer?
Giant Titanoboa snake ruled the earth after the dinosaurs [timesonline]
Thanks to Daniel, who astutely observed: OMFG. And another Daniel, who had this to add: Mommy.
Sep 26 2008 Metal Gear Solid Rubber Band Gun
Some guy went and made a rubberband shooting replica of Solid Snake's Silver Wolf pistol from Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. The weapon was made from cross-drilled stainless steel plates and even has a laser sight and flashlight. I want one -- just imagine the damage you could do with that thing! Upwards of not any.
Hit the jump for a video of the gun in action.
Jun 23 2008 Robotic Snake Swims Underwater, Frightens The Hell Out Of Swimmers Everywhere
Well I hope everyone had a jolly summer solstice and danced around the maypole and burned a witch or whatever the hell people do these days, but I've got some bad news: robotic swimming snakes. Now I hate to ruin your Monday and have you all cowering under your desks for the rest of the day, but I feel it's my duty to let you know about these things, lest you be foolish enough to think swimming is still a safe activity. Which, officially, it no longer is. Now the first thing I always think when I hear bad news is, "Who can I blame for this?" In this case it's the Hirose Fukushima Lab in Japan.
"Why can snakes move ahead on without legs?" From this problem, we started research of snake biomechanisms, which resulted in the "Why can snakes move ahead on without legs?" From this problem, we started research of snake biomechanisms, which resulted in the development of "Snake Robots". Snake Robots have many possible applications, even though the structures are simple.
Okay that was kind of confusing, so I'll summarize: welcome to hell, folks. That's what it said. I am definitely never swimming again. I swear -- right when I was starting to get over Jaws.
Hit the jump for another robot the lab created that was designed to climb in your lap and crush your junk.
Continue Reading " Robotic Snake Swims Underwater, Frightens The Hell Out Of Swimmers Everywhere "
May 12 2008 No, Seriously, I Really Mean It This Time, I Promise: The Robots Are Coming, Run!
Ha, and you thought our robotic overlords would only come in the form of giant blade wielding mothers didn't you? Well think again. How would you like to have that little guy climbing up your leg? You wouldn't would you? I didn't think so -- but too bad. BAE (which undoubtedly stands for Bot Apocalypse Engineering) Systems has released a promo video of the robotic insects they've been developing for the U.S. Army as part of a $38 million contract. There are spider-bots, dragonfly-bots, and other kill-you-in-your-sleep-bots featured, and each one scares the everliving hell out of me.
The robots will slither and crawl around corners, into caves, and through booby-trapped streets, sending images back to screens in a command center or to a screen mounted on a soldiers wrist. The purpose is to "extend the warfighter's senses and reach, providing operational capabilities that would otherwise be costly, impossible, or deadly to achieve," says Joseph Mait, MAST cooperative agreement manager for the Army Research Laboratory.
Well that's wonderful and all, but what happens when I find one of these guys at the foot of my bed in the middle of the night? I'll tell you what happens -- I soil a $1,800 Tempur-Pedic mattress. And then what? And then sob into a pillow and beg my wife to smash the thing with a slipper.
The video (which looks a lot like a crappy video game) after the jump.
Apr 29 2008 Uh-Oh: Reassembling Robots Are Hard To Kill
Well, we've seen a reassembling robot before, but that one was a chair, and, honestly, it's hard to get too frightened about a chair unless it's being swung at you by an unruly biker at the bar because you hit on his sister. Well these little reassembling robots are both scary and creepy (skip to around 1:26 for the good stuff). You kick them apart, and they find all the other pieces and self-assemble. Just think of the possibilities.
How would you like to have your very own shape-shifter? Perhaps a liquid metal T-1000 Terminator to help around the house. Or a universal tool kit that could reshape itself into any implement at the press of a button.
Okay, any mention of robots that includes a reference to "shape-shifters" and the Terminator is bound to scare the shit out of me. Needless to say I'm writing this from under my parents' bed. Speaking of which, there's an awful lot of damn squeaking going on up there. Oh no. Oh God, no.
Shape-shifting robots take form [newscientist]
via
Youtube
Thanks to Karina, who battles robots of all colors except for pink -- those she leaves to Yoshimi, for the tip
Apr 15 2008 Robotic Heart Surgery Snake Is Mad Scary
Scientists (or at least people that wear those awesome white lab coats) at Carnegie Mellon University recently unveiled the CardioArm. It's a snake looking robot that was created to aid during heart surgery.
CardioArm is a jointed robot, allowing you to control its head while the rest of its joints follow exactly where the head has been to avoid any accidental internal injuries. The robot wraps itself around the heart until it finds what it's sent inside the body for (i.e., to remove damaged tissues).
They're still working on getting the size of the robot down, and hope to eventually create a unit that can fit inside blood vessels and requires no incision to enter the body. That's right folks, I'm talking about swallowing one.
These modifications include the ability of the robot to pass through natural openings like the mouth, as well creating a model with multiple tentacles able to enter through a single opening, but branch out to where they're supposed to go once inside the body.
So yeah, swallowing a multiple-tentacle robotic snake/octopus. Not too sure how I feel about that. Except for holy shit, I'm going to start eating right and exercising more.
Uncensored picture of the the snake winding through some body part, after the jump.
Continue Reading " Robotic Heart Surgery Snake Is Mad Scary "
Oct 24 2007 Robot Snake Doesn't Knock My Socks Off
Roboboa, a robotic snake from WowWee is now available in the US. It has infrared sensor technology and does stuff like, uh, wiggle around awkwardly. He can also be used as a flashlight, motion detector, alarm clock, and a bunch of other stuff that's weak. They cost a staggering $100 and look like the ass-snake sex toy I used to have. What in the hell is matter with people these days? Why get a stupid robot snake when you can get a real one? That's what my parents did for me. Sure the slithery bastard ate my sister, but she was a little bitch anyways.
A video after the jump.
