Jul 28 2009 Seriously Bro, You Stink: Doc Bottoms Aspray

Doc Bottoms Aspray is an all over body deodorant that allegedly cuts your funk by neutralizing bacteria. Who knows, maybe it works. One thing's for certain though: this commercial doesn't.

Aspray goes where other deodorants can't. Aspray you butt. Aspray your feet. Aspray under your arms -- you can even Aspray your privates

Really? Was that really necessary? WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEY CAN ASPRAY THEIR PRIVATES?!? I'm an Old Spice guy though. Just sayin', IT BUUUUURNS!

Youtube

Thanks to Harry, Jennifer and Spider, who all stink. Especially Jennifer.

Apr 9 2009 Two Chicks In A Bar Having A Lightsaber Fight

NOTE: VIDEO IS SLIGHTLY NSFW DUE TO UNDERWEAR.

This is a fake commercial for men's body spray that features two chicks having a lightsaber battle over some tainty dude that smells good. SPOILER: they cut each other's clothes off, making it the best commercial for a fake product EVER. I just ordered like a million cases. Or, I dunno, left my credit card number as a Youtube comment.

Youtube

Thanks to Dustin, Dallas and CJ, who once saw two chicks have a lightsaber duel while Jello wresting. I know, I should write erotic fiction.

Apr 6 2009 I Like The Sound Of That: Huffable Chocolate

Normally I'm an airplane glue kind of guy, but hey, chocolate could be good. Good mixed with airplane glue! That's what I'm talkin' about -- double fist style! Anyway, Le Whif breathable chocolates are supposed to give you the same sensations as eating chocolate, but probably nowhere near as good. An analogy: Breathable chocolate:chocolate::porn:sex. With both breathable chocolate and porn you get no ass! ZA-ZA-ZA-ZING!

Over the centuries we've been eating smaller and smaller quantities at shorter and shorter intervals," says (David) Edwards who, coincidentally (yeah, right) has a new novel out at the same time. It seemed to us that eating was tending toward breathing, so, with a mix of culinary art and aerosol science, we've helped move eating habits to their logical conclusion. We call it whiffing.

No, we call it huffing, Dave. Whiffing is when you try to punch somebody and miss. If you're interested, Le Whif huffgun shells are available in chocolate, mint chocolate, chocolate raspberry and chocolate mango and sell for about $4 a pop. No word on how much huff you get out of a single canister, but if I had to guess, I'd say one...two...three... *CRUNCH* three.

Hit the jump for a video of some bicycle-seat whiffing in action.

Continue Reading " I Like The Sound Of That: Huffable Chocolate "

Mar 25 2009 Controller Soaps: Now With More Detail!

Well folks, I just got back from the doctor and am happy to announce I don't have inoperable thyroid cancer. However, I am unhappy to announce I came out from the anesthesia with my boxers on backwards. Just saying, I thought the thyroid was in my neck. But what do I know, I'm no doctor. Anyway, this is Etsy seller Digitalsoap's latest in peripheral cleaning products. If you can recall the last controller soaps we featured, they were a solid color. These ones have more detail. An XBox lather will set you back 12 credits, and a NES bar 9. Just don't drop it! Because we all know what happens if you drop the soap, don't we? We do -- you dent a corner and then it'll look stupid. Also, another inmate takes camera phone pictures of your iHole. Pfft, I've seen Oz.

Hit the jump for the NES controller.

Continue Reading " Controller Soaps: Now With More Detail! "

Mar 21 2009 Astronaut To Test New Non-Stink Underwear

That's right, Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata is slated to test a new kind of underwear during his current visit to the space station. The "state-of-the-art" undies were designed "to reduce the smells in normal clothing, absorb sweat and provide insulation."

The underwear, developed by Japanese researchers, are made of antibacterial polymers and are fire-resistant.

Astronauts normally change their clothes every three days.

Koichi will attempt to wear the underwear for a full seven days. Which, if successful, will only be 9 days short of my record. And, if you think I'm kidding, ask my dry cleaners. Well, my ex dry cleaners. I am so stinky!

Astronaut tests non-smelly super pants in space [metro]

Thanks to Thumperchica, who doesn't care because she doesn't wear underwear. I'm with you, girl -- high five! No? Helicopter!

Feb 22 2009 Roll One Up, America: Obama Sushi Rolls

These are apparently sushi rolls made to look like US president Barack Obama. I think I speak for all of us when I say: the president has never tasted so good. Haha, shut up Monica -- your opinion doesn't count! HIYO.

Hit the jump for a couple more pictures including one of a massive Obama sushi display.

Continue Reading " Roll One Up, America: Obama Sushi Rolls "

Feb 18 2009 Smell Gamey? You Need Playstation Soap

So check it: you smell like ass. I'm serious, you're reeking up the interwebz. You need to get yourself some $5 Playstation controller soap from Etsy seller Digitalsoaps. Looking for something a little old schooler? No problem, they sell $8 NES controller bars as well, in such exotic flavors as pink sugar, juicy watermelon, apple jack and peel, coconut lime verbena, dragon's blood, and unicorn's semen. On a side note, when I get ripe my pits smell like really onion-y chili-cheese dogs. Your musk is different. But I like your natural pheromones. I think I'm attracted to you. Kiss me. Did you feel any chemistry? I felt some. It felt like your boob. I copped a feel!

Hit the jump to see the NES controller soap.

Continue Reading " Smell Gamey? You Need Playstation Soap "

Jan 27 2009 It's A Sock, It's A Camera, It's A....Sockera?

This is a digital camera made out socks by Netta Amir. Unfortunately, it can only take really fuzzy(!) pictures and is kind of a pervert (foot fetish). Wanna make one yourself? Look under your computer desk -- balled up socks? Well wash them. Then stitch them together and, if you're anything like me, PRESTO -- you're bleeding. Ha, I wasn't supposed to put them on first. But they were so warm and fresh out of the dryer! Alright, let's try this again. Ah, there we go -- eight socks sewn together. Kind of looks like an octopus. Hmm, I guess there are actual skills involved. But not gloves -- save those for the video camera.

Hit the jump for a bunch of closeups, including a picture the camera took.

Continue Reading " It's A Sock, It's A Camera, It's A....Sockera? "

Jan 8 2009 60% Of The Time, It Works Every Time: Anchorman's Sex Panther Cologne

I didn't really like Anchorman, but that's neither here nor there. Now you can buy officially licensed Sex Panther cologne from the movie for only $30 per 1.7-oz spray bottle. No word if it's made with real panther bits or smells like gasoline, but if I had to guess, I'd say wear Old Spice. You'll remind women of their grandfathers. And that, dear reader, will leave more chicks for me. Thanks, suckers!

Product Site

Thanks to Flickledorx, who doesn't need cologne to be flammable. The man is hot!

Jan 6 2009 ZOMG, Just Like In Back To The Future!: Modify Your Car To Run On Garbage

Remember how Doc Brown had modded the Delorean in Back To The Future II to run on garbage? Well now you can do the same -- and you don't even need a Delorean (although that would help with style points, see picture above)! All you need is to throw a gasifier up in your whip.

Gasification is the use of heat to transform solid biomass, or other carbonaceous solids, into a synthetic "natural gas like" flammable fuel. Through gasification, we can convert nearly any solid dry organic matter into a clean burning, carbon neutral, gaseous fuel. Whether starting with wood chips or walnut shells, construction debris or agricultural waste, the end product is a flexible gaseous fuel you can burn in your internal combustion engine, cooking stove, furnace or flamethrower.

ZOMG, it works for flamethrowers too!?! *HONK HONK -- WHOOSH!* Best commute ever! Unfortunately, I found out the hard way the unit DOES NOT operate on trailer trash. They stole my spinning hubcaps :(

Add a Mr. Fusion to your car to let it run on garbage [dvice]

Oct 21 2008 Bacon Tuxedo Looks, Smells Just Like Bacon

I know what you're thinking, "What IS that dapper ass-sockpuppet wearing in the picture?" And that, dear reader, is Uncle Oinker's Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. The suits comes in four different sizes (from this little piggy to wild hog), cost $100, and have been chemically treated to smell like bacon sizzling in the pan. And give you cancer. Which, I think we all can agree, is a small price to smell delicious.

Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo [newsblaze]

Thanks to Julian, who once owned a chicken suit but couldn't keep the women away from his meat.

Oct 14 2008 Oops: Possible Mistake On Walmart's Website

This is a screencap from Walmart's Canadian website for Summer's Eve Feminine Spray Ultra - Extra Strength. As you can see, it's applied with a pressure washer. I actually went to the website and the picture was still there, but there wasn't a description of the product. But, FAKE! or not, I think we can all agree that you'd have to be growing psychedelic mushrooms in your vagina to need this shit.

Uh... [baldheretic]

Thanks to Jenny, The Bloggess, who allegedly knows a woman that has to douche with a firehose.

Aug 5 2008 Wake Up To Meat: The Wake N' Bacon

The Wake n' Bacon is a collaborative alarm clock design by Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini and Hsiao-huh Hsu. It wakes you up with the delicious scent of bacon instead of beeping. How?

A frozen strip of bacon is placed in Wake n' Bacon the night before. Because there is a 10 minute cooking time, the clock is set to go off 10 minutes before the desired waking time. Once the alarm goes off, the clock it sends a signal to a small speaker to generate the alarm sound. We hacked the clock so that the signal is re-routed by a microchip that in responds by sending a signal to a relay that throws the switch to power two halogen lamps that slow-cook the bacon in about 10 minutes.

Simple as that. No loud noises, no breaking your alarm, just delicious bacon. Now what you need to do is keep a mini-fridge by the bed so you can toss in another piece, hit snooze, and ten minutes later, more bacon. Toss in another piece, hit snooze, and ten minutes later, more bacon. Toss in another piece, hit snooze, and ten minutes later, more bacon. Toss in another piece, hit snooze, and ten minutes later you can't see your penis past your pork-gut anymore because you've been eating two pounds of bacon every morning.

Wake N' Bacon

Thanks Mac and Liz, now make one that can cook an egg and biscuit too.

Jul 15 2008 Scientists Collect Cow Toots To Better Understand Their Effects On Global Warming

Argentinian scientists are collecting cow gas in an effort to understand how the methane produced by our bovine brethren is affecting the global solar cooker we call earth and its atmosphere.

As one of the world's biggest beef producers, Argentina has more than 55 million cows grazing in its famed Pampas grasslands.

Guillermo Berra, a researcher at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology, said every cow produces between 800 to 1,000 liters of emissions every day.

Methane, which is also released from landfills, coal mines and leaking gas pipes, is 23 times more effective at trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide.

Every cow produces 1,000 liters of emissions? Holy hellfire. I can't believe we can even breathe anymore. The scientists hope that by understanding the process by which cattle produce methane, they'll be able to alter their diets to produce less of the gas. Well call me old fashioned, but I think there's a much more logical, less scientific method for getting a cow to produce less tootage -- make them huff their own gas bags. Now I don't like awards ceremonies, so just go ahead and send the Nobel Prize to my parent's house.

Cow farts collected in plastic tank for global warming study [telegraph]

Thanks Jim and Julian, is it true that huffing cow ass gets you high?

Jun 20 2008 Woman Died Watching TV In 1966, Found 42 Years Later, Probably Stunk In The Interim

A woman in Croatia died in 1966 while watching television in her apartment, and was just now discovered.

Hedviga Golik made herself a cup of tea and sat down to watch some television in her hometown of Zagreb, Croatia. Sadly, she died in her chair. This was in 1966. She was just found, 42 years later, in her time capsule mausoleum where she's been sitting ever since. She never finished her tea.

Apparently her apartment was never checked, despite a missing person report being filed when she went missing. Only recently did the authorities break into the unit and discover the woman while trying to determine who owned the place.

Damn, that's freaking nuts! I can't imagine how the place went unchecked for 42 years. It had to have stunk like shit for a good long while. Kind of like my place. Isn't that right, Grandma? Grandma? Awh, shit.

Woman Who Died While Watching TV Sat Unfound For 42 Years [gizmodo]

Thanks Shawn, say, you mind calling the funeral parlor?

May 21 2008 Gourmet Chocolates Shaped Like, Uh, Yeah

I tried to avoid posting these because the product is sophomoric and I'm a real class act with serious journalistic integrity, but I got the tip so many times that I figured I pretty much had to. So here it is, the Incredible Edible Anus. You heard correct -- butthole shaped chocolates. You can order a box of 12 (unknown price) or a single 35mm x 25mm x 25mm 'Big Boy' for about $6. And for a limited time you can get one made out of pure silver for about $470! "People come and people go. Our solid silver anus is immune from the daily wear and tear that similar products experience." I assume they're talking about actual buttholes there. Grossed out yet? I have been for fifteen minutes already. Take it away, testimonials!

'They're fab - I want to get my hands on some more!' Graham Norton - TV Presenter

'Say 'Thank You' with a box of delightful chocolate starfish.'
Bizarre Magazine

'The very existence of these Milk Chocolate B*mholes probably heralds the destruction of the Earth by fire. And about time, too.'
G Scene Magazine

'Thanks for the Incredible Silver Anus, it was a wedding gift. '
Buyer: courtney.bell

'The best anus I've ever paid for. First Class Service and well packaged. Cheers '
Buyer: 123thomaspope

'FUNNY GAG. TASTES GOOD TOO CONSIDERING IM EATING SOMEONES ASS!!! THANKS!! '
Buyer: srhmusic

Self-confessed anal-choco-holic, excellent fix! speedy delivery, supa service*** '
Buyer: mariamerton10x

I wonder who made the mold. And whether or not they've tried one.

Product Site (check out the URL)

Thanks Allyson, Shawn, and Greg, this is just what I wanted to wake up to

Feb 29 2008 Super Mario Bath Bombs Are Fizzy, Awesome

Super Mario Bath Bombs are effervescent balls of fun you drop into the tub whenever you're bathing. Once they hit the water they begin fizzing and foaming, "releasing a fragrant scent as they fill your bath water with yellow foam." Hrrm, no mention of what the scent is, and I'm not the biggest fan of yellow foam, but I can look past those things to get at the little Mario figurine hidden inside. And at only $6 a pop I'm going to collect them all! Man, these are way cooler than the bath bomb my little cousin had when I was bathing him. Yeah, it came out of his ass. It was gross and I left it in the tub for his mother to clean up.

Super Mario Brothers Bath Bombs [coolestgadgets]