Oct 5 2009 Delicious Light: DIY Bacon Strip Lampshade
Bacon, perhaps the most versatile tool on the planet (suck it, duct tape!), can be fashioned into just about anything. Including, but not limited to: guns and lube. And what more does a person really need (besides the love of a good woman and maybe a pet)?!
Anyway, Flickr user Kris Kelley went and made a lampshade out of bacon slices and posted a little picture tutorial. And one thing's for certain: I bet it smells divine when it heats up! Plus, 10 to 1 odds your dog eats the whole lamp first you leave the house. Ever seen a dog pass an electric cord? It's something you don't forget.
Thanks to jessica, who gamma radiated a pig in the hopes of creating naturally glowing bacon. Unfortunately, it just turns green and beats the shit out of things when it gets mad.
Aug 24 2009 Do Want: This Human Ingredients T-Shirt
This is $20 t-shirt listing the ingredients of human bodies in percentage order from largest to smallest. Did you know we're 0.25% sulfur? Because maybe that's why you smell so bad. Or maybe it's just your upper lip! BUUUUUUUURN. Your momma wears army boots and dresses you funny!
Thanks to Towhee Monster, who is actually 100% awesome.
Jul 28 2009 Seriously Bro, You Stink: Doc Bottoms Aspray
Doc Bottoms Aspray is an all over body deodorant that allegedly cuts your funk by neutralizing bacteria. Who knows, maybe it works. One thing's for certain though: this commercial doesn't.
Aspray goes where other deodorants can't. Aspray you butt. Aspray your feet. Aspray under your arms -- you can even Aspray your privates
Really? Was that really necessary? WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEY CAN ASPRAY THEIR PRIVATES?!? I'm an Old Spice guy though. Just sayin', IT BUUUUURNS!
Thanks to Harry, Jennifer and Spider, who all stink. Especially Jennifer.
May 11 2009 Hello Laaaaadies: The Pheromone Ring
Pheromone, named in honor of the goddess Pheromoneus, is Greek for "bonertime". Also, you're sort of being flipped off there in the picture, so consider that a little present from me to you. Anyway, this ring emits pheromones (Greek for "Spanish Booty Juice") whenever you push it in order to attract the men/women your way. Just like flies to honey. Or the Geekologie Writer to the guy in the dinosaur costume at his son's birthday party. Which *ahem* totally never happened (seriously, return my calls, I'd like to book you again).
Squeeze the side, and the S ring emits perfume juiced with pheromones. Three scents for each sex, all custom mixed.
You have to inject the perfumes into the ring with a hypodermic needle which is supposed to invoke the "clinical process" of getting ready for a date. The scent is released when you squeeze the side, causing the tiny piezo tubes to contract.
Hey, I don't care how it works, just as long as it does work. Now I am heading straight to the bar and I am going to pheromone (Greek for "my natural, onion-y musk") some chick RIGHT IN THE EYES. And, if that doesn't work, I'm going with Plan B: tranquilizer darts. I'm not the creep, you're the creep!
Hit the jump for a couple more shots of seduction.
Apr 2 2009 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Bacon Lube
That's right folks, bacon lube. Goes perfect when your lady (or man) is wearing a bacon bra and you're scarfing a meat-ship in bed (double entendre, count it!). Ah, heaven.
As many of you know, we're huge bacon lovers here at J&D's. We now make Bacon Salt, Baconnaise and Bacon Lip Balm. That last one seemed like a stretch at first, but now that bacon has successfully made the jump from food to personal care, we're pushing it even further.
With that said, we're happy to introduce our newest product, baconlube™. It's not for sale yet, but we're looking for early product testers to put our "Everything should taste like bacon" tagline to the test. Please email us at keepitsizzlin@baconsalt.com to get on our beta tester list.
My God that sounds delicious. From fish to bacon in just a few drops. I'm really hoping this wasn't an April Fools joke either, because that would just be cruel. I went ahead and added myself to the beta tester list and haven't gotten an email back yet calling me an idiot, so that's a good sign. Now, ladies, what do you say: me, you, some Baconlube? Haha, did I just describe your wildest fantasy? Well tell me -- in your fantasy did you make me a BLT afterwards? Because that's a must.
Product Site
Thanks to Erik, bob, Julian, Lyles and Joseph, who pre-ordered a case and are gonna try to raise money for more bacon with a baconlube bikini wrestling exhibition.
Mar 4 2009 Star Trek Inspired Colognes Coming Soon To A Galaxy Near You (Hint: The Milky Way)
What could possibly be better than smelling like the original Star Trek television series? Nothing! Well, besides smelling like me. *WHIFF* Mmmm, chili-cheese dogs. Really drives the bitches wild. I'm serious, Chloe and Ginger are literally fighting over my shirt. CUT IT OUT YOU TWO -- no walk later unless you're good! Created by Genki Wear, there will be three different scents to choose from:
Tiberius
The Tiberius cologne, named in honor of the Mirror Universe James T. Kirk's challenges users to "Boldly Go" with a perfume described as being spiked with "notes of freshness and sensuality.
Red Shirt
Genki's "Red Shirt" cologne (whose tag line "Because Tomorrow May Never Come" is priceless) celebrates the sacrifices of those often nameless crew of the USS Enterprise. Described appropriately as a cologne for those with a "devotion to living each day as it could be your last" the cologne has top notes of green mandarin, bergamot, and lavender, with base notes of leather and grey musk.
Pon Farr
The most risqué titled of the new Star Trek fragrances is "Ponn Farr" which is a perfume designed to "drive him wild." It should only be used once every seven years (okay, that isn't true). Named for the Vulcan mating ritual first introduced in the episode "Amok Time," this perfume is one of the newly designed products meant to appeal to female fans.
Eh, I'm not crazy about any of them. No, I think I'll be saving my fragrance dollar for Eau de KHAAAAAAAN!
Hit the jump for a picture of Tiberius.
Feb 18 2009 Smell Gamey? You Need Playstation Soap
So check it: you smell like ass. I'm serious, you're reeking up the interwebz. You need to get yourself some $5 Playstation controller soap from Etsy seller Digitalsoaps. Looking for something a little old schooler? No problem, they sell $8 NES controller bars as well, in such exotic flavors as pink sugar, juicy watermelon, apple jack and peel, coconut lime verbena, dragon's blood, and unicorn's semen. On a side note, when I get ripe my pits smell like really onion-y chili-cheese dogs. Your musk is different. But I like your natural pheromones. I think I'm attracted to you. Kiss me. Did you feel any chemistry? I felt some. It felt like your boob. I copped a feel!
Hit the jump to see the NES controller soap.
Jan 8 2009 60% Of The Time, It Works Every Time: Anchorman's Sex Panther Cologne
I didn't really like Anchorman, but that's neither here nor there. Now you can buy officially licensed Sex Panther cologne from the movie for only $30 per 1.7-oz spray bottle. No word if it's made with real panther bits or smells like gasoline, but if I had to guess, I'd say wear Old Spice. You'll remind women of their grandfathers. And that, dear reader, will leave more chicks for me. Thanks, suckers!
Product Site
Thanks to Flickledorx, who doesn't need cologne to be flammable. The man is hot!
Dec 19 2008 Burger King Makes Flame Broiled Cologne
That's right folks, Burger King has come out with a cologne. Appropriately named Flame, 5ml bottles cost a staggering $4 and allegedly contain the intoxicating odor of flame-broiled burger. Mmmm.
On firemeetsdesire.com, Burger King takes pains make satire of the "sexy is serious" stylings of other fragrance campaigns, offering this description of the scent against a chic black background: "The WHOPPER sandwich is America's favorite burger. FLAME by BK captures the essence of that love and gives it to you. Behold the scent of seduction, with a hint of flame-broiled meat."
Alternatively, just rub yourself down with an actual burger. Hello ladies! What, you never seen a guy with a pickle on his neck?
Appetite for seduction: BK's new fragrance [msnbc]
Thanks to Rosie, Jaik and Thomas, who are waiting for eau de chicken nuggets. And Daisy, who stresses NO, NOT THAT DAISY!
Dec 11 2008 Wrong, Just Plain Wrong: The TwoDaLoo
The TwoDaLoo is a toilet made for two. Just the thought of it disgusts me.
The TwoDaLoo is billed as the world's first toilet two people can use ... at the exact same time. It brings couples closer together and conserves our water supply all with one flush. The TwoDaLoo features two side-by-side toilet seats with a modest privacy wall in between. An upgraded version includes a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station.
Oh yeah, because a "modest privacy wall" makes it all okay. WTF! Available now for wholesale, the units cost $1,400 apiece and the minimum order is 12. So yeah, you ever shit out in the open with 23 other people before? *sniffle* God, I miss college.
Thanks Tali, like they say: a family that shits together, uh, starts to look at each other differently.
Oct 21 2008 Bacon Tuxedo Looks, Smells Just Like Bacon
I know what you're thinking, "What IS that dapper ass-sockpuppet wearing in the picture?" And that, dear reader, is Uncle Oinker's Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo. The suits comes in four different sizes (from this little piggy to wild hog), cost $100, and have been chemically treated to smell like bacon sizzling in the pan. And give you cancer. Which, I think we all can agree, is a small price to smell delicious.
Bacon Scented Bacon Print Tuxedo [newsblaze]
Thanks to Julian, who once owned a chicken suit but couldn't keep the women away from his meat.
Oct 14 2008 Oops: Possible Mistake On Walmart's Website
This is a screencap from Walmart's Canadian website for Summer's Eve Feminine Spray Ultra - Extra Strength. As you can see, it's applied with a pressure washer. I actually went to the website and the picture was still there, but there wasn't a description of the product. But, FAKE! or not, I think we can all agree that you'd have to be growing psychedelic mushrooms in your vagina to need this shit.
Uh... [baldheretic]
Thanks to Jenny, The Bloggess, who allegedly knows a woman that has to douche with a firehose.
Aug 5 2008 Wake Up To Meat: The Wake N' Bacon
The Wake n' Bacon is a collaborative alarm clock design by Matty Sallin, Daniel Bartolini and Hsiao-huh Hsu. It wakes you up with the delicious scent of bacon instead of beeping. How?
A frozen strip of bacon is placed in Wake n' Bacon the night before. Because there is a 10 minute cooking time, the clock is set to go off 10 minutes before the desired waking time. Once the alarm goes off, the clock it sends a signal to a small speaker to generate the alarm sound. We hacked the clock so that the signal is re-routed by a microchip that in responds by sending a signal to a relay that throws the switch to power two halogen lamps that slow-cook the bacon in about 10 minutes.
Simple as that. No loud noises, no breaking your alarm, just delicious bacon. Now what you need to do is keep a mini-fridge by the bed so you can toss in another piece, hit snooze, and ten minutes later, more bacon. Toss in another piece, hit snooze, and ten minutes later, more bacon. Toss in another piece, hit snooze, and ten minutes later, more bacon. Toss in another piece, hit snooze, and ten minutes later you can't see your penis past your pork-gut anymore because you've been eating two pounds of bacon every morning.
Thanks Mac and Liz, now make one that can cook an egg and biscuit too.
Jul 15 2008 Scientists Collect Cow Toots To Better Understand Their Effects On Global Warming
Argentinian scientists are collecting cow gas in an effort to understand how the methane produced by our bovine brethren is affecting the global solar cooker we call earth and its atmosphere.
As one of the world's biggest beef producers, Argentina has more than 55 million cows grazing in its famed Pampas grasslands.Guillermo Berra, a researcher at the National Institute of Agricultural Technology, said every cow produces between 800 to 1,000 liters of emissions every day.
Methane, which is also released from landfills, coal mines and leaking gas pipes, is 23 times more effective at trapping heat in the atmosphere than carbon dioxide.
Every cow produces 1,000 liters of emissions? Holy hellfire. I can't believe we can even breathe anymore. The scientists hope that by understanding the process by which cattle produce methane, they'll be able to alter their diets to produce less of the gas. Well call me old fashioned, but I think there's a much more logical, less scientific method for getting a cow to produce less tootage -- make them huff their own gas bags. Now I don't like awards ceremonies, so just go ahead and send the Nobel Prize to my parent's house.
Cow farts collected in plastic tank for global warming study [telegraph]
Thanks Jim and Julian, is it true that huffing cow ass gets you high?
Jun 27 2008 Wait, What? You Put The Servers Where?
So some company's lease expired and they had to move to different offices in the same building -- the only problem is there was nowhere to put their servers. So did they just fire an intern and and put them it in the poor sap's office? No. They did what any reasonable company would do and built a server room only accessible via another company's women's restroom. You know, in the handicapped stall.
The company's executives signed a new lease and prepared to move. There was, however, just one, small hitch. The nice little server room they built in the back of their office - equipped with air conditioning units, ventilation, dedicated power, backup power, and so on - could not be relocated. Not only would it cost too much, but there was simply no room for it. The server room would just have to remain upstairs.
Obviously, the new second-floor tenant wouldn't want their neighbors walking through their office to access a server room, so building management and the company's executives came up with an alternative: wall off the server room door and build a new one. It seemed simple enough, but there was, however, just one small hitch. The only available wall to install a door was adjacent to the women's restroom. Inside the handicapped stall.
Ha, that's great. And no, Superficial Writer, you can't go check on the servers again. That's like the third time you've asked this morning.
Server room built into ladies' room handicapped stall [bbgadgets]
Jun 20 2008 Woman Died Watching TV In 1966, Found 42 Years Later, Probably Stunk In The Interim
A woman in Croatia died in 1966 while watching television in her apartment, and was just now discovered.
Hedviga Golik made herself a cup of tea and sat down to watch some television in her hometown of Zagreb, Croatia. Sadly, she died in her chair. This was in 1966. She was just found, 42 years later, in her time capsule mausoleum where she's been sitting ever since. She never finished her tea.
Apparently her apartment was never checked, despite a missing person report being filed when she went missing. Only recently did the authorities break into the unit and discover the woman while trying to determine who owned the place.
Damn, that's freaking nuts! I can't imagine how the place went unchecked for 42 years. It had to have stunk like shit for a good long while. Kind of like my place. Isn't that right, Grandma? Grandma? Awh, shit.
Woman Who Died While Watching TV Sat Unfound For 42 Years [gizmodo]
Thanks Shawn, say, you mind calling the funeral parlor?
Apr 30 2008 Nose Plugs Keep You Safe From Bio-hazards
Well I'm not really sure how safe they'll keep you from serious bio-hazards, but they've got to be better than just pulling your shirt up over your nose, right? Maybe not, I don't know. I ain't no damn noseologist, I'm a geekologist. Anyway, the Nose Mask Pit cost $14 and fit nice and tight up in your nostrils to keep out allergens and other nasty stuff. Maybe you want them, or maybe you prefer a surgical mask. Personally, I don a full-fledged gasmask. Like my grandpappy used to say, you never can be too safe or too drunk at a seedy strip club. Amen to that, pappy. If you do decide to go with these, let me give you a word of warning: Be careful. As a kid I stuffed two Hot-Wheels tires up one nostril and a cherry pit up the other and had to go to the hospital. My mom was afraid they'd cause lasting damage, but, thankfully, the doctor assured her I was retarded long before the incident.
Apr 14 2008 Halitosis Detector Also Features Alcohol Meter
We featured another stink-breath detector on Geekologie a while ago, but that one didn't have a back-lit screen or breathalyzer, so it sucked. But the Etiquiette Checker ($59) does, so while it still sucks, at least it's the lesser of two suckages. You just blow into the device, and it gives you a score from 1-6, 1 being go French kiss the hottest chick you can find, 6 being you may have just licked a dog's ass. But this marvel doesn't end there, no sir. It also gives you a blood alcohol reading in 0.05 increments (kind of useless). Remember the first time one of your friends got a breathalyzer and you all went out to see who could blow the highest? I do, it was great. I thought for sure I was going to win with a 0.27, but my buddy Shitty Bill ended up blowing us all out of the liquor with a 0.38.
R.I.P. Shitty
UPDATE: Glad this guy wasn't there.
Electronic Etiquette Checker [ohgizmo]
Mar 27 2008 Footlume Lights Up The Way With Butterflies
The Footlume is being developed at London South Bank University and will be displayed in London later this month. It's a rug. With lights that come on when you walk on it. That look like butterflies. It runs on rechargeable batteries and is questionable because what good is a lighted rug if, by the time it turns on, you're nowhere near it? Ah, for aesthetic purposes, I see. Well could I maybe get some skulls instead of butterflies? It's not that I don't like them, it's just that, well, they're a little feminine for my taste. Sure I wear Secret deodorant, but that's only because it doesn't leave stains on my white shirts. And its pH balance really works with my body.
Michael Jackson Was On To Something [albotas]
Mar 10 2008 Perfume Is Nasty, Gross, Nasty, Not The Worst We've Seen, Well, That's Debatable
Sécrétions Magnifiques is a scent from odor maker Libre D'Orange. And let me tell you, it probably won't be a treat for the ol' olfactory system. That's right, the cologne was designed to smell like a rotting corpse! Just kidding, it's a combination of blood, sweat, saliva and sperm. Which is pretty nasty. In the category of bad scents it's right up there with German Poontang Juice. A 50mL bottle will set you back about $76 and sounds like one of the worst wastes of money ever. I don't even know what else to say, except I paid extra for the overnight shipping option.
Smells Like Teen Spirit [divinecaroline]
Thanks to Patricio, who doesn't smell like complete ass, for the tip
