Nov 18 2009 Why Don't House Cats Grow Into Lions?

This is a clever answer to a query posed in Yahoo! Answers. You can't argue the answerer didn't give them exactly what they asked for, even if it's not what they wanted. Because, let's face it, a lot of people don't even know what they want. I'm looking at you, Mrs.Takes 8 Minutes To Order at the Taco Bell Drive Thru. Next time I'm ramming!

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Thanks to TARDISlover, who likes it bigger on the inside.

Nov 9 2009 Clever: D&D Character Sheet Styled Resume

This is an artist/animator's very clever D&D style character sheet/resume. You can see a larger, more readable version HERE. And speaking of larger, more readable versions: how do I turn up the text size on my laptop? Somehow it got changed and now I can't even read what I'm typing anymore don't forget to call penis doctor about appt.

Character Sheet/Resume [superpunch]

Thanks to Blastphemer, who once blasted his femur right out of the socket doing jumping jacks and now has a peg leg.

Oct 27 2009 How To: Never Lose Your Remote Again

If you can manage to lose this remote you're doing something seriously wrong. Or drinking a lot, in which case you're actually doing something seriously right. What a dichotomy!

Dad's Lost The Remote For The Last Time [thereifixedit]
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Never lose your remote control again with this simple, cheap DIY solution [crunchgear]

Thanks to jules and DaveS, who only use the controls on the television because they lost their remotes. Should have had them grafted to you like I suggested!

Oct 27 2009 Another Auto-Tuned Science-y Song, Now With More Bill Nye The Science Guy!

This is the second song/video in the Symphony of Science series, a project designed by John Boswell to spit scientific knowledge in an auto-tuned musical format. The first chart topper was 'A Glorious Dawn' with Carl Sagan and Stephen Hawking. Now Carl is back with backup singers Neil deGrasse Tyson, Richard Feynman and Bill Nye, and let me tell you -- these beats are FREEEEEESH.

"We Are All Connected" was made from sampling Carl Sagan's Cosmos, The History Channel's Universe series, Richard Feynman's 1983 interviews, Neil deGrasse Tyson's cosmic sermon, and Bill Nye's Eyes of Nye Series, plus added visuals from The Elegant Universe (NOVA), Stephen Hawking's Universe, Cosmos, the Powers of 10, and more. It is a tribute to great minds of science, intended to spread scientific knowledge and philosophy through the medium of music.

Again, another job well done. Really made me want to blast off in my rocketship and crash into a planet. And by that I mean drop a bunch of acid and listen to these guys talk about outerspace while I roll around on the carpet.

The Symphony of Science

Thanks to Lookaze, Austin, Marc, crispy85, eelee and meeotch, who travel across the country singing to children about possible careers in science but mostly just getting high in the tour bus. Need groupies?

Oct 12 2009 Good Ideas: Roofie Detecting Lip Balm

2 Love My Lips is $16 lip gloss that comes with test strips to determine if your drink has been roofied with drugs like GHB or Ketamine. It's a smart idea and I urge everyone to keep a close eye on their beverages at all times (and not just because I'll ninja-drink that shit, but I 100% will).

"If a drink tastes funny, or you are suspicious something is amiss simply dab the ends of the taper in your drink and if they turn blue tell your friends immediately and get help from Security and the Police."

Seriously, roofies are no laughing matter and if you suspect your drink's been spiked I want you to ask me to chug it. BECAUSE I WOULD DO THAT FOR YOU. Knight in shining armor? No, I'm trying to forget that bad.

Drug Detecting Lip Gloss Sniffs Out Roofies [gizmodo]

Oct 8 2009 Genius!: Mug With A Cookie Holding Shelf

The Cookie Dunk Mug is a $22 beverage receptacle that also has a place to store cookies for dunking! Plus, the manufacturer isn't sidest and makes a left-handed version. High left-five!

There's "no need to juggle with a plate and cup and of course, you also save on the washing up afterwards."

If you're a lefty, fear not, this mug comes in right handed or left handed styles. Your left handed deformity will no longer hold you back from enjoying your hot beverage and cookies at the same time.

Wait -- did that say deformity? Because somebody just got their ass boycotted! I don't know who, but somebody. These things happen all the time, probably an oil company. Deformed and proud, baby! You too? Whoa whoa whoa, it's cool -- leave the bag on.

Product Site
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Cookie Dunk Mug [techeblog]

Thanks to Sarene, who throws all her cookies in at once and lets them sink to the bottom. Me too -- I like them supersaturated!

Aug 4 2009 Folding Bike Fits Within Circumference Of Tire

24-year old inventor Dominic Hargreaves has designed and built a bike that folds up to the size of the bike's wheels. Not as impressive as a bike that folds up into its own squeaky horn, BUT NOT EVERYONE IS THIS GENIUS.

"I couldn't find a folding bicycle I liked...I wanted something that could take a bit of punishment and that you could have fun with. So I made one myself."

Mr Hargreaves has been in contact with various manufacturers and hopes to get the bike into production soon.

Cool. I've never ridden a folding bike before because I value my safety, but I have ridden a bike with no seat before. It was good times. For both of us.

Inventor's Bike Folds Into Its Own Wheel [yahoonews]

Thanks Pete, now get your top men on a folding jetpack STAT.

Jul 31 2009 Take Note: This Is How You Sell Video Games

In some of the best marketing I've seen in my entire life (and yours too), the makers of Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 went and attached some fake plaster boobs to a wall. I just pre-ordered like 80 copies and I don't even own a television or video game console.

The plaster mammaries assumedly belong to Sigma 2's Ayane or Momiji -- both are playable in this iteration of the game (the text which appears at the end of the video actually says "a female ninja appears")

The video consists of a bunch of people walking by and touching the breasts, which, be honest, you would have too. There's no shame in my game -- I totally would have. Then I'd have come back that night with a chisel AND MAKE THEM MINE.

Bizarre Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2 marketing features wall molestation [joystiq]

Thanks to Richard, who could sell safety matches to the devil.

Jul 10 2009 Notebook Paper Printed With Sports Balls

Trapped in Suburbia, an Amsterdam design firm, came up with this "Play More" concept, which is regular notebook paper on one side, but printed to resemble sports balls on the other. Cuuute! Now I'm not saying I wouldn't get anything done at work if I had sports ball paper wads to play with, because, honestly, I don't do anything now besides compulsively check my email and nap.

Play More: Balled-up paper turns into sporty orb [dvice]

Jun 25 2009 Invention Of The Century: In-Car Pizza Oven

I think I speak for us all when I say, it's about damn time. This 12-volt pizza oven plugs right into a car's cigarette lighter or power point so you can cook a breakfast pizza on your commute to work. Or a dinner pizza on your way home! Or burn your car to the ground! The $36 oven is a real product and I just bought two. One for the front seat, and one for the kids in the back. What in the -- damnit kids, I smell burning army men! *sniff* I'm just so proud.

portable pizza oven lets you cook-a nice-a pizz-a pie in a moving car [technabob]

Thanks to FDSY and gnome king, who cook their pizzas on the radiator like normal people.

Jun 25 2009 BK Ad: The King Used To Be Respectable

In what might be the smartest piece of advertising in recent history (whee, I just posted your whole freaking ad for free!), Burger King has released a print ad for their new Super Sloppy Seven Incher chock full of sexual innuendo. I don't see it, but allegedly it's there.

BK Goes Crude With 7-Inch Burger Ad [newser]

Thanks to solid and Pat, whose minds can't be blown away because they're in a lockbox.

Jun 21 2009 Babyglow 'Sleep Suits' Indicate Temperature

Babyglow Sleep Suits are basically Hypercolor onesies for babies. If the baby's temperature passes 98.6°F (37°C), it turns white, indicating possible sickness. Also, if it's vomit covered, that could be a sign. Available this fall, a 3-pack will set you back $35. Alternatively, a 36-pack of Trojans for $17.94....
....
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Babyglow Garment Changes Color When Your Baby Is Running A Fever [ohgizmo]

Jun 12 2009 Gang Uses Stolen Credit Cards To Buy Own Music On Amazon/iTunes, Collect Royalties

That's right, some gang of criminal masterminds operating out of Britain uploaded songs to iTunes and Amazon and then, using 1,500 stolen credit cards, bought $750,000 worth of their own songs, netting them nearly $300,000 in royalties.

Six men and three women were arrested yesterday by 60 officers at addresses in London, Birmingham, Wolverhampton and Kent. A man in his forties, was arrested later.

They are all being held in custody on suspicion of conspiracy to commit fraud and money laundering.

A police source said: "We will not know why they did what they did until we have conducted all the interviews."

Yeah, gee, I WONDER WHY THEY DID IT. Probably the same reason anyone partakes in criminal activity -- to pretend you're a rockstar.

Criminal gang bought own music on iTunes and Amazon using stolen cards [timesonline]

Thanks to ff, who tried to sell a music video on iTunes that was secretly just a video of him fapping.

May 27 2009 Runpee: It Is Now Safe To Leave The Theater

Runpee.com is a website database of movies currently in the theater with notations that let you know when it's a good time to run to the bathroom. As you can see, this is the runpee chart for Terminator Salvation, which features several opportunities to drain your dragon. Of course, some would argue any time is good because the movie sucked. I wouldn't know, I haven't seen it BECAUSE I HAVE ENOUGH TROUBLE SLEEPING ALREADY. Also, I don't like leaving my seat during a movie, so you know what I do? I use a catheter. Except I definitely don't because I would pass out from the thought before I even had my pants down. Which is why the last movie I saw in the theater was Cars. Not even kidding.

Runpee

Thanks to Randi, who just asks for an empty cup from the concession stand.

May 27 2009 Hmm: Birds As Smart As Monkeys, Toddlers

In an experiment that helps prove some birds are smarter than they'd look in the bottom of a KFC bucket, a British rook was able to make a tool (hook) in order to accomplish a task (score worms). Allegedly, this puts them on par with monkeys and toddlers. But I haven't seen any toddlers making tools. Just stools. Yeah, in their pants. Birds: 1, toddlers: 0.

They were presented with a small bucket of wriggling worms out of reach at the end of a tube, and next to it a piece of straight wire.

Remarkably, despite never having seen the set-up before, they immediately got to work bending the wire so they could hook out the bucket and tuck in.

Unlike most animals which learn tricks through trial and error, they solved the problem immediately and, since they were raised in captivity, had no other birds to show them how to do it.

Just what I've been waiting for. Now I'm going to use a flock of rooks to finally rob the local bank. God knows the squirrels couldn't do it. Could you, you stupid tree rats? I swear, one of you spots a nut and you act like it's the first time you showered with daddy.

Hit the jump for a couple more action shots and a video.

Continue Reading " Hmm: Birds As Smart As Monkeys, Toddlers "

May 19 2009 MUST SEE!: LEGO Mindstorm Pirate Movie

NOTE: I embedded the video in high quality so it may take a minute to load.

This is a little movie made using nothing by LEGO Mindstorm NXT sets and LEGO blocks. It is amazing. Plus, it's about pirates, so double whammy. The movie is only 2:20 long, and the rest of the video shows you what's behind the curtain, so you can understand how it was made. Which surprisingly didn't involve magic. Or so the maker would like us to believe. I'm on to you, sorcerer!

Incredible Mindstorms NXT Theater Creates Pirate Battle On Lego Seas [gizmodo]

May 18 2009 How To: Get Free WiFi During Your Commute

Like this. At least that's how they do it in Moscow. From Russia With Love, baby! Also, with nesting dolls and bacon vodka. Suck it, Mr. Bond, you just got stirred!

Hit the jump for another shot of the girl in action just in case you thought it was fake or something. OH YEAH -- WELL YOUR DIAMOND IS FAKE!

Continue Reading " How To: Get Free WiFi During Your Commute "

Apr 10 2009 Anything Can Happen: Stripper Turns Nun

Anna Nobili is a 38-year old stripper veteran who has been dancing the lap for 20 years all across Europe. But not anymore! She has seen the light, and now only dances for Jesus. I'd tithe her.

Sister Anna, originally from Milan, says she was 'inspired' during a visit to the shrine of St Francis in Assisi. Deciding she wanted more out of life, Miss Nobili has joined the the order of the Sister Workers of the Holy House of Nazareth.

"I was throwing away my life dancing for men. I was being used as a drug by people who wanted to see me dance."

Next week she will be in Rome to perform a ballet called Holy Dance, dedicated to episodes from the Bible, for senior cardinals and bishops.

I apologize if you already watched the video, I meant to warn you it makes no sense, features no quality strip-club action, and only briefly shows Anna doing her new dance for God (around 2:45). The rest is an interview in Italian that I couldn't understand. Still, for 38, she's not the worst looking stripper I've ever seen. Fun fact: they let the dancers perform pregnant in West Virginia. It's true. And I can say that because I was born there. THAT'S RIGHT, I'M WILD AND WONDERFUL, BITCHES, WHAT?!

Sister Anna dances for God after 20 years as a lapdancer [couriermail]

Thanks to Julian, who allegedly saw an arm pop out during a lap dance and *HORF HORF HORF HORF HORF* I can't believe I just wrote that.

Apr 8 2009 Smart: Chimps Exchange Meat For Sex

In a move that proves that chimps have created a much awesomer society than we have, researchers have discovered that males will trade meat to females in return for regular sexy times. And apparently the NOMs for PEWs exchange program is completely legit in their advanced legal system!

This is a long-term exchange, so males continue to share their catch with females when they are not fertile, copulating with them when they are.

"What's amazing is that if a male shares with a particular female, he doubles the number of times he copulates with her, which is likely to increase the probability of fertilising that female."

Yow yow! Is all this Animal Planet talk making anyone else in here steamy? I swear, meat for sex, that's even better than a handful of $20's! Now, where can I rent a monkey suit this far from Halloween? Also, hot wings. I'm gonna need hot wings.

Chimpanzees exchange meat for sex [bbcnews]

Thanks to Ross, who wants to come in the next life as a chimp.

Mar 17 2009 Scientists Build Mosquito-Killing Laser Beam

In an attempt to take a bite out of malaria (suck it, McGruff!), scientists are developing a mosquito laser capable of protecting an entire village from the evil, biting bastards. Think bug-zapper times a thousand, to the power of PEW.

The laser, which has been dubbed a "weapon of mosquito destruction" fires at mosquitoes once it detects the audio frequency created by the beating of its wings.

The laser beam then destroys the mosquito, burning it on the spot.

Developed by some of the astrophysicists involved in what was known as the "Star Wars" anti-missile programs during the Cold War, the project is meant to prevent the spread of malaria.

Lead scientist on the project, Dr. Jordin Kare, told CNN that the laser would be able to sweep an area and "toast millions of mosquitoes in a few minutes."

Sounds good to me, I hate mosquitoes. I used to post up in front of the bug-zapper in a lawn chair with a case of beer and just watch those suckers get toasted. And speaking of which -- HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY EVERYONE, I'M DRINKING GREEN BEER! Or pickle juice, I can't tell! WHOO!

'Star Wars' scientists create laser gun to kill mosquitoes [cnn]

Thanks to xhaju, Bryan, spudtheimpaler, Jason, Blinzler and Fong, who can catch mosquitoes with chopsticks because they trained with Mr. Miyagi.