Aug 19 2009 Screw Mother Nature: HP Shipping Fail
Not to be outdone by Dell's L337 shipping practices, HP decided to ramp up their efforts to show that THEY hate this planet even more. What's in the box? Hit the jump to find out. And no, it's not a tiger. But good guess.
Hit it. DO IT NOW!
Jun 15 2009 Raytheon Gets Contract For Laser Weapon
Raytheon, a company best known for my brother and I both swearing we saw an airplane land on top of one of their buildings in Huntsville, Alabama, has received a Navy contract to draw up the initial design of a powerful burning 100-kW Fee Electron Laser (which may or may not look like an automotive engine) to be mounted on seagoing vessels. Pew pew? No. PEW PEW!
Once designed, the naval operators could adjust the wavelength of the laser, which wasn't possible with conventional lasers. This helps compensate for the varying humidity associated with ship-borne situations.
The laser beams could be used against missiles, airplanes, or even boats.
I need one of these for my car. Seriously, I'm tired of sitting in traffic. And let me tell you, I don't just road rage, I road man-rage. You ever seen a guy tear off his own steering wheel, jam it down an air-conditioning vent and then sob uncontrollably? If you've ridden with me you have.
Navy/Raytheon working on 100kW weaponized laser: cue the 'pew-pew' sound effects [dvice]
Jun 10 2009 Iceberg, Dead Ahead!: Your Own R/C Titanic
Want a 1:150 (~6-foot) R/C scale model of the Titanic? These monster water gobbling whores allegedly have over 300 handmade parts and take over 400 man-hours to complete. You can buy them too, provided you've got a cool $2,500 lying around. Which, if you do, WHAT'S THAT OVER THERE? *sockful of pennies you in the face* Haha, the boat is mine! TOOT TOOOOT! [Insert joke about going down on my ship]
Product Page
via
Remote-controlled scale model of the Titanic is asking for trouble [dvice]
Feb 24 2009 FREE: Navy Giving Away Stealth Ship & Dock
And I want them!
One is called Sea Shadow. It's big, black and looks like a cross between a Stealth fighter and a Batmobile. It was made to escape detection on the open sea. The other is known as the Hughes (as in Howard Hughes) Mining Barge. It looks like a floating field house, with an arching roof and a door that is 76 feet wide and 72 feet high. Sea Shadow berths inside the barge, which keeps it safely hidden from spy satellites.
The barge, by the way, is the only fully submersible dry dock ever built, making it very handy -- as it was 35 years ago -- for trying to raise a sunken nuclear-armed Soviet submarine.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? A floating safe-haven from the robots! So this is what we're gonna do: pack that vessel chock-full of grade-A seamen and head out on the open ocean. Why, you ask? Because the majority of robots are land-based (we'll still have to watch out for these guys though). Now who's with me? C'mon -- we'll bang mermaids! Heads up though: stay away from Poseidon's daughter. Dude caught me messing around with her in highschool and tried to suck me down the bathtub drain.
Hit the jump for two more of the giveaways.
Continue Reading " FREE: Navy Giving Away Stealth Ship & Dock "
Feb 12 2009 Music Video: I Never Thought I'd Be On A Boat
NOTE: Video is clean version but still has lots of bleeping out since every other word is a bad one. Watch at full volume.
This is the latest from The Lonely Island, the SNL crew that made a music album. The song, I'm On A Boat, is about being on a boat. Which *yawn* is nothing special if you're a pirate captain like me. Screw your boat, I'm on a ship, bitches.
I'm on a ship, I'm on a ship, I'm on a pirate shipYou best swab my deck or I'll hook that lip
I got cannons -- I got an anchor too
Come pillage with me on the ocean blue
I'm on a ship, I'm on a ship, I'm on a pirate ship
I gots a wooden leg, bitch, I walk with a limp
We gettin' treasure -- and that booty too
I pop my pistol "YAAAAR!", while I'm aiming at you
And that, my friends, is how it's done. Now where do I sign for the record deal?
Clean Version [youtube]
and
Uncensored Version
Thanks to Jon, who is more than welcome to come sail away with me, Styx style.
Nov 21 2008 Yarrr, Doubloons!: Live Pirate Map Shows You Where The Plundering Is Going Down
Pirates, they used to wear cool hats. Now? Not so much. But you can still check out their exploits on the International Maritime Bureau's "live piracy map" (based on Google Maps). You know, to see where the booty's being plundered.
Just drill down by using the zoom slider, and click on a flag to see what kind of crime took place. All are labeled with the type of ship, as well as whether the pirates successfully hijacked it or merely boarded. Certain areas, like this one off the coast of East Africa, are pirate paradises. The seas around Singapore and Malaysia are also packed with pirates.
You know where else is packed with pirates? My pants. Isn't that right you little swashbuckling bastards? Haha, just kidding -- they're crabs. I still gave them pirate names though. Stop it Captain Clawhands, that tickles!
Hit the jump for one more map and a link to interactive version in case you can't find the one I cleverly hid in the text of the post.
Continue Reading " Yarrr, Doubloons!: Live Pirate Map Shows You Where The Plundering Is Going Down "
Nov 3 2008 World's Largest Cruise Ship Being Built
Royal Carribbean is having the world's largest cruise ship built for them, and it's gonna be ready to set sail next November. The Oasis of the Seas is being billed as a traveling city, and will include not one but TWO 24-hour buffets.
The liner will span 16 decks, encompass 220,000 gross registered tons (GRT), carry 5,400 guests and feature 2,700 staterooms.
Almost 1200 feet long, 154 foot wide and rising 213 feet above the water line, the Oasis of the Seas will be able to host 3,000 crew to service every passenger's need.Oasis of the Seas will be the first ship to tout the cruise line's new neighborhood concept of seven distinct themed areas, which include Central Park, Boardwalk, the Royal Promenade, the Pool and Sports Zone, Vitality at Sea Spa and Fitness Center, Entertainment Place and Youth Zone.
Remind you of anything? No? I'm talking about the Titanic. Remember that one? It too was touted as the latest and greatest in shipage, and we all know what happened to it. Yep, I think there's a definite lesson to be learned here. "Jack, I'm flying!"
Hit the jump for a bunch more pics, many in stunning rendered detail.
Continue Reading " World's Largest Cruise Ship Being Built "
Oct 31 2008 Giant LEGO Figure Appears On Beach
A giant LEGO minifig maxifig washed up on the beach of Brighton, England a few days ago, and nobody knows where the hell he came from.
The Lego man is 6ft tall in red, yellow and green. It is presumed to have washed up on the beach, but whether it has come from a cargo ship or from across the Channel is not clear.
Brighton resident Gerry Turner, 34, said: "It's very odd. God knows how it got here but people are saying it's from Holland because it's got some Dutch writing on it. It must have fallen off a boat of something. The kids love it."
Fallen off a boat or something? How many boats do you know of with giant LEGO men manning the sails? Exactly, only a handful. No, I think there's a much more logical answer to this mystery. And that, my friends, is God.
Giant lego man appears on Brighton beach [telegraph]
Thanks to ShitBitch Carl, who used to captain a LEGO pirate ship in the Carribbean.
Jul 21 2008 Run By Monkeys?: HP's Shipping Department
HP just flipped Mother Nature the bird and shipped sixteen 2-page software licenses inside a huge freaking box. Inside the box were another 16 smaller boxes, each containing a single two-page license (picture of the big box after the jump). Now I'm not saying this infraction warrants a bag of packing peanuts be crammed up the shipping department's collective ass, but I am strongly hinting at it. And, I dunno, maybe sealing the hole with some packing tape. Can't have those peanuts getting loose, bad for the environment.
Hit the jump for the big box.
Continue Reading " Run By Monkeys?: HP's Shipping Department "
Jul 16 2008 LEGO Millennium Falcon Time Lapse Build
This video is a little older, so you may have already seen it. But if not, you're in for a real treat. If you have seen it already, you're in for fond memories of a treat eaten awhile ago. It's a time-lapse video of some guy building a Millennium Falcon LEGO set. Not the 5,195 piece Ultimate Collector's set though, a smaller one. But it's not just a boring build, he actually makes the pieces dance around on the table and shit while being assembled. It's very well done and took over 38 hours to complete. Which is more time than I've ever spent on a project in my entire life. Hell, I've even had marriages that didn't last that long. Ask my current wife if you don't believe me, we just celebrated our 24-hour anniversary this morning. And honestly -- I think we're about ready to call it quits. Isn't that right, what's-your-face?
Youtube
Thanks to Lockjaw, who needs to learn to wear shoes. All it takes is one rusty nail.
Mar 12 2008 Freedom Ship: For When The World Floods
When the world floods only a few people will survive. I will be one of them, because I'm blasting off in a rocket ship instead of jumping onto a glorified cruise ship. But whatever. The Freedom Ship, which is a floating city, has existed as a concept for some time. But now the company (Freedom Ship International) is moving forward with construction and expects the monster to be completed in three years. Which means it may go into service before the apocalypse. It will have the following amenities:
18,000 living units, with prices in the range of $180,000 to $2.5 million, including a small number of premium suites currently priced up to $44 million.
* 3,000 commercial units in a similar price range
* 2,400 time-share units
* 10,000 hotel units
* A World Class Casino
* More than 100 acres of outdoor Park, Recreation, Exercise and Community space
Wow, BO-RING. Oh you want to hear what my rocket ship will have do you? Well I'm glad you asked. The Geekologie Writer's Intergalactic Freedom Rocketship Of Safety will contain the following amenities:
*Me
*You
*A hot tub
*Some champagne
*Bathing suits optional
*Come over whenever
*Wink*
Do you see what I did there? I pretended to have a rocketship to lure beautiful women over to my house for some fun in the hot tub. *ding-dong* Oh, that's the doorbell -- looks like I've got my first taker -- back in sec. Damnit, that was a dude. Yeah, and he was sans swim trunks. Didn't I say no dudes? Shit, I must have forgotten.
UPDATE: NO DUDES!
One more conceptual pic from above after the jump off.
Continue Reading " Freedom Ship: For When The World Floods "
Feb 11 2008 USS New York Is Part World Trade Center
Maybe some of you heard this urban legend before, but I never had so I'm posting it. The legend goes that the USS New York, scheduled for christening March 1st, was made out of scrap metal from the World Trade Center. And it turns out that it's true.
It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center. It is the fifth in a new class of warship -- designed for missions that include special operations against terrorists. It will carry a crew of 360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters and assault craft. Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite, LA, to cast the ship's bow section.
The ship was named to honor the victims of the 9/11 attack and two other sister ships, the Arlington (Pentagon location) and Somerset (Somerset County, PA), are named for the same reason. The ship's motto is "Never Forget".
Thanks to Raul, who just renewed his terrorist hunting license, for the tip
