Nov 13 2009 Yes...YES!: Tyrannosaurs Doing It Dino-style

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about. Except I'm not so much talking as fantasizing. God I'd love to be in the middle of those two. Ha -- I guess I AM talking about it! Now one of you put those little arms to use and make me a sandwich.

Tyrannosaurus skeleton casts mounted in a mating position, Jurassic Museum of Asturias [wikipedia] (high-res version)

Thanks to Kelly, who just convinced me to buy a one-way ticket to Asturias, Spain.

Oct 28 2009 Just Ordered Two Cases: Dinosaur Condoms

That's right, dinosaur shaped condoms. Available from Willy Wardrobe (probably NSFW, but also has a bunch of other novelty condoms), each Stegosaurus E-Rex will set you back £2.50 (~$4) and is not recommended for re-use (even though you and I both know you totally will anyway).

A bit of a sexual fossil? Then this dinosaur condom is for you!

Warning: Sold as novelty only. Product may be used during intercourse although there is no guarantee that it will prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.

Also, not responsible for lost spines.

Okay, so I made that last part up. Still, you've got to wonder. WONDER WHY NOBODY WAS MAKING THESE EARLIER! Plus, they like a perfect fit to me. Pfft, don't even act like your penis doesn't have feet too.

Product Site

Thanks to Starchitect, Ezrail, david, DatsMark, Xavire, Ross, John, sara, Jody and clipper, for knowing me all too well.

Oct 26 2009 What In The...?: Vampire Mouth In A Can

This vampire mouth in a can is actually a male sex toy. It's the completely inappropriate $45 Fleshlight Sex in a Can 'Succu Dry'. Not even kidding, no matter how badly I wish I was. Now I don't really want to go into too many details, but those fangs aren't even functional. Oh, hold on, I'm getting an email.

----- Original Message -----

From: bloodlover3962@hotmail.com
To: The Geekologie Writer
Sent: Monday, October 26, 2009 3:21 PM
Subject: Geekologie Tip - Male Sex Toy

Geekologie Writer,

Instead of selling guys on that vampire mouth in can, could you just pass my # along? Thanks champ, love the site.

Edward Cullen

I knew it! Sorry you had to find out this way, ladies.

Have a Happier Halloween with the Fleshlight Succu Dry [gizmodo]

Thanks to Aisha, Closet Nerd, smith, Gable and Root Beer, who don't buy sexy toys, they buy sex tools. I don't even know what that means, but I think it involves at least a 2-stroke motor.

Oct 5 2009 Wait, What?: Fake Virginity Kits For Sale

I don't even know what to say, except this makes me sad about the women in the world who are stoned and fed to dragons if they're not virgins when they're married. And you thought I was a heartless asshole.

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

Wow, did I really just read that? Because now I don't feel so good. The $30 kit ships from China and I suspect is manufactured using recycled condoms. Plus, I don't even know what. [Insert something here while I cry and puke at the same time]

Product Site

Thanks to Michael and The webcam in your monocle, who can't tell the difference between a virgin and a hole in the wall. Literally, no idea.

Sep 3 2009 Ouch: Helping Hands Condom Applicator

This is a commercial for the Helping Hands condom applicator. And, after seeing it, I'd trust a fire-breathing dragon with a toothache to be gentler. And I'm not just saying that because I'm trying to get some, but, well, dragons and dinosaurs ARE related.

Helping Hands Condom Applicator Makes Me Shrivel Up in Fear [gizmodo]

Aug 31 2009 Ninja Turtles Offering Relationship Advice

I like turtles AND pizza. Also, this is good news for me cause I couldn't cook to save my life anyway (don't even think about it, Jigsaw!).

TMNT Relationship Advice [buzzfeed]

Thanks to Aisha, who offered up this piece of relationship advice: Chicks dig guys who aren't monster douchebags (douching is so 80's).

Aug 25 2009 "Don't Be Afraid" He Murmured, His Velvet Voice Unintentionally Seductive

That's right folks, now there's a Twilight/vampire themed sex toy. It's a sparkly dildo and marks the coming of the apocalypse.

Updated by popular request... Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience (OR A FIRE!).

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn't love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That's what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won't be the only thing coming for you in the night.

The Vamp is a realistic form based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon's glow. Since it's a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus' own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don't be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don't save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

Yes, out in the sunlight. Because a public park is the perfect place to vamp yourself. Also, to rollerblade. Don't forget your pads and helmet!

NSFW Product Site (with video!)

Thanks to Shannon, LisaMarie, Joemo, Cloie, Ashley, sham, Evy, rya and anyone else I may have forgotten, for all chipping in and ordering me one. You did order me one, right guys?

Aug 20 2009 Screw The Future(!): Robotic Prostitutes

Robotic hookers folks, robotic hookers. Marinate on that one for a second while I down this zucchini bread. Then, I'll be back to discuss the moral ramifications of banging a robot.

It sounds like science fiction, but robot bar staff, hotel rooms that change colour, cruise ships as big as aircraft carriers and even robot sex are part of the future for travellers, a tourism conference has been told.

Even robot "prostitutes" that would not pass on diseases such as HIV could make an appearance...

"But you're talking about extreme futures."

First of all, no. Secondly, I would rather jam my penis in an electrical outlet (and have before -- now it can shoot lightning) than have sex with a robot. And thirdly, this certainly brings to meaning to the phrase 'sex machine', doesn't it? No? Well what about robo-hos?

Robot prostitutes tipped to tempt future tourists [theindependent]

Thanks to Caroline, who once pulled the old quarter-on-a-string trick and managed to score free services.

Aug 11 2009 Questionable: The Personal Rockin' Computer

The PRC chair allegedly stands for Personal Rockin' Computer. But how on earth you would ever use a computer in that thing is beyond me. I mean, I couldn't even comfortably fry my nuts with a laptop in it. Plus, it costs a staggering $4,200. Can you say, "tractor tire"? Because I can. No, I'm fairly confident this thing is a glorified sex swing for the rich. Seriously, just look at that provocative tart in the picture. She definitely only knows one kind of hard drive and RAM if you ask me. Gosh what a hussy (let me get those digits, girl).

The PRC is your Personal Rockin' Chair [dvice]

Jun 9 2009 Like This: How To Make Tetris NSFW

This is a NSFW video of a tetrad guy watching a Tetris orgy video. Which, if watched without sound, is actually pretty safe for work. But then you don't get to hear all the moaning, which, honestly, is the only reason I stay in seedy hotels in the first place. As a matter of fact, a few weeks ago I heard this one couple going at it so hard it sounded like they were gonna kill each other. Then gunshots. Then me collecting my audio equipment and tiptoeing to the car.

Hardcore Tetris Orgy Brings Back Odd Memories [gizmodo]

Thanks to Julian, who's actually owns that title on Blu-ray.

Jun 1 2009 Still A Virgin: Sale Of Purity Falls Through

Remember that 22-year old chick that was auctioning off her virginity? Well the winning $3.8 million was placed by an Australian real estate mogul. Unfortunately, he's bailing out of the deal. Why? His wife won't let him do it!

Natalie Dylan (not her real name) admitted the deal had fallen through.

Last week, she got a phone call from the rogue Romeo, a 38-year-old Australian real-estate businessman, who said he had to back out.

"I told him to go back into marriage therapy," sniped Dylan.

The Aussie cad then sheepishly asked for his $250,000 deposit back. Dylan said no hard feelings; it would be returned.

That's just like a wife to go and not let her husband bang some 22-year old virgin. I swear, women.

'DEFLOWER DEAL' GUY PULLS OUT [nypost]

Thanks to 42 y/o undead warlock, who doesn't have to pay for sex because he creates busty nymphs with his undead warlock powers. Oh oh, make me one!

May 13 2009 Spam Emails: Now With More Illustration

This is a picture from artist Elliot Burford's series of work entitled 'Spam', which features illustrations created using the titles of spam email, most of which are for wiener growing pills. I posted a bunch more of my favorites after the jump, but there are 24 in total (so far), so take a gander if you like them. I was particularly fond of this one, for obvious reasons -- I like the smell of gasoline. Kidding, BURN IT WITH FIRE!

Hit the jump for more.

Continue Reading " Spam Emails: Now With More Illustration "

Apr 22 2009 What The?: Questionable Sub Commercial

I love Quiznos. Or, I should say, I loved Quiznos before I found out their ovens encourage employees to have sex with them. I mean, WTF? This isn't how you sell delicious, oven-baked subs, this is how you....damnit, now I want Quiznos.

Youtube

Thanks to Jordan and Reiko, who have never gone anywhere near a toaster with their junk exposed. Or so they say.

Apr 19 2009 Fail: How Not To Get Your Wife Pregnant

I'm filing this one under awesome. Awesomely sad. Some guy paid his neighbor $2,500 to have sex with his wife 72 times in an attempt to get her pregnant. But it didn't work! Read the whole article to find out what happened, and trust me -- it'll make you feel good about your own life. Unless your kids look suspiciously like the Fed-Ex guy, in which case, hey, I'm sure it's just coincidence. BWAH AHHAHAHA! Coincidence. BWAHAHAHA!

Paid to do it 72 times [just-whatever]

Thanks to Josh, who once got an entire women's swim team pregnant just by tipping his toe in the pool.

Apr 13 2009 Asleep At The Keyboard: Candle 1, Laptop 0

Dripping candle is dripping. But seriously, I've been looking for a way to spice up the ol' love life, and my hand doesn't go numb anymore. So I've been thinking about ordering a hooker. I guess what I'm getting at is this: as a natural-born pyromaniac, is bring a flame into the bedroom safe? And, if so, what do you guys recommend?

UPDATE: Hello, 911? YEAH -- THERE IS A HOOKER ON FIRE IN MY APARTMENT! My name? My name is *click*

Candle Fail [failblog]
via
In a Fight Between Candle and Laptop, Candle Usually Wins [gizmodo]

Apr 8 2009 Smart: Chimps Exchange Meat For Sex

In a move that proves that chimps have created a much awesomer society than we have, researchers have discovered that males will trade meat to females in return for regular sexy times. And apparently the NOMs for PEWs exchange program is completely legit in their advanced legal system!

This is a long-term exchange, so males continue to share their catch with females when they are not fertile, copulating with them when they are.

"What's amazing is that if a male shares with a particular female, he doubles the number of times he copulates with her, which is likely to increase the probability of fertilising that female."

Yow yow! Is all this Animal Planet talk making anyone else in here steamy? I swear, meat for sex, that's even better than a handful of $20's! Now, where can I rent a monkey suit this far from Halloween? Also, hot wings. I'm gonna need hot wings.

Chimpanzees exchange meat for sex [bbcnews]

Thanks to Ross, who wants to come in the next life as a chimp.

Apr 2 2009 Why Didn't I Think Of That?: Bacon Lube

That's right folks, bacon lube. Goes perfect when your lady (or man) is wearing a bacon bra and you're scarfing a meat-ship in bed (double entendre, count it!). Ah, heaven.

As many of you know, we're huge bacon lovers here at J&D's. We now make Bacon Salt, Baconnaise and Bacon Lip Balm. That last one seemed like a stretch at first, but now that bacon has successfully made the jump from food to personal care, we're pushing it even further.

With that said, we're happy to introduce our newest product, baconlube™. It's not for sale yet, but we're looking for early product testers to put our "Everything should taste like bacon" tagline to the test. Please email us at keepitsizzlin@baconsalt.com to get on our beta tester list.

My God that sounds delicious. From fish to bacon in just a few drops. I'm really hoping this wasn't an April Fools joke either, because that would just be cruel. I went ahead and added myself to the beta tester list and haven't gotten an email back yet calling me an idiot, so that's a good sign. Now, ladies, what do you say: me, you, some Baconlube? Haha, did I just describe your wildest fantasy? Well tell me -- in your fantasy did you make me a BLT afterwards? Because that's a must.

Product Site

Thanks to Erik, bob, Julian, Lyles and Joseph, who pre-ordered a case and are gonna try to raise money for more bacon with a baconlube bikini wrestling exhibition.

Mar 18 2009 Percent Of Student Virgins Per College Major

As you can see, majoring in Mathematics or Chemistry pretty much guarantees you a sexless college experience. Good for you, hopefully you took a purity pledge or something. Now, if you'll excuse me, "CALLING ALL FEMALE STUDIO ART MAJORS, PARTY AT MY HOUSE -- BRING FINGERPAINT."

Virginity rates among students by major [forwardon]

Thanks to Julian (a poli-sci major) and Romeo, who majored in Juliet. HIYO!

Mar 12 2009 Freaky Deaky: DIY Bedroom Toy Goes Wrong

Now I'm not saying there's not a place for reciprocating saws in the bedroom, I'm just saying if you do decide to get freaky with a power tool, TAKE THE BLADE OFF FIRST. Do not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES (except really, really dire ones) just ram a fake wiener on the existing blade. Because then you'll end up like this poor lady.

The saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman, according to TheBayNet.com. The injuries were severe enough for medevac, but the woman was released from the hospital Monday and is recovering from her unusual injuries.

Investigators talked to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff's office said.

Trying something new -- I'll say! When I think 'trying something new' I think a clean sock or sitting on my hand for awhile, not power tools. Although....

MEDIC!

Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter [nbcnewyork]
via
Saber Saw Sex Toy Incident: DIY Gone Very, Very Wrong [gizmodo]

Mar 10 2009 I Like Turtles Shoes: Pet Turtle Gets Tender With Somebody's Shoe

This is a video of somebody's pet turtle having sex with a shoe. It's possibly NSFW if you carry your house on your back or live in a pond. You need to watch it with audio though, because the little guy makes the cutest squeaky noises while he's going at it. Kind of like me, but with no crying in between.

Youtube

Thanks Marc, who loves animals, but not in the way that shoe loves animals.