May 5 2009 Pfft, Who Needs Ears?: Pierced Glasses

Born without ears? Lose them in a samurai sword fight? Whatever the case, for those of you who have found yourself both aurally and ocularly challenged, you may want to consider pierced glasses. Pierced glasses are a pair of prescription eyeglasses that stay affixed to your ugly mug via a piercing through the nose. Pretty clever. Not as clever as just having Lasik surgery so you can shoot lasers out of your eyeballs, but hey, laser vision isn't for everyone. And, incidentally, neither are laser-wangs. Go ask The Superficial Writer why he's blind in one eye.

Pierced Eyeglasses [bmezine]

Thanks to Warfaremonkey, who wears a pierced hat and is now limited to the use of his animal brain like Phineas Gage.

Apr 6 2009 I Like The Sound Of That: Huffable Chocolate

Normally I'm an airplane glue kind of guy, but hey, chocolate could be good. Good mixed with airplane glue! That's what I'm talkin' about -- double fist style! Anyway, Le Whif breathable chocolates are supposed to give you the same sensations as eating chocolate, but probably nowhere near as good. An analogy: Breathable chocolate:chocolate::porn:sex. With both breathable chocolate and porn you get no ass! ZA-ZA-ZA-ZING!

Over the centuries we've been eating smaller and smaller quantities at shorter and shorter intervals," says (David) Edwards who, coincidentally (yeah, right) has a new novel out at the same time. It seemed to us that eating was tending toward breathing, so, with a mix of culinary art and aerosol science, we've helped move eating habits to their logical conclusion. We call it whiffing.

No, we call it huffing, Dave. Whiffing is when you try to punch somebody and miss. If you're interested, Le Whif huffgun shells are available in chocolate, mint chocolate, chocolate raspberry and chocolate mango and sell for about $4 a pop. No word on how much huff you get out of a single canister, but if I had to guess, I'd say one...two...three... *CRUNCH* three.

Hit the jump for a video of some bicycle-seat whiffing in action.

Continue Reading " I Like The Sound Of That: Huffable Chocolate "

Mar 26 2009 The Saddest 'Bottomless Beer' I've Ever Seen

The 'Endless Beer' keychain is a little keychain that gives sad alcoholics everywhere the sensation of opening the same empty beer can over and over. Because honestly, what's more fun than disappointment (besides getting hit in the nuts by the space shuttle)? Available in June, the fun-filled devices will run about $9. And, for as much shit as I talk, I'm totally buying one.

Endless Beer Can Popping Keychain! [rinkya]

Sep 12 2008 I Want: A Skull Shaped Deprivation Chamber

The Sensory Deprivation Skull is a little room you climb into when your wife won't stop nagging you about "cutting the grass" and "getting a job". It effectively blocks out light and wife-banter and will eventually make you go crazy and possibly even masturbate to vivid hallucinations of Smurfette. Needless to say, I want one pretty bad. But if you're looking for the ultimate in sensory deprivation, I recommend you tie a black garbage bag over your head. You won't sense a thing....ever!

Note: Please nobody do that. I can't deal with another death on my conscience.

Hit it for one more picture of a sexy little lady crawling around inside your skull.

Continue Reading " I Want: A Skull Shaped Deprivation Chamber "

Mar 10 2008 KissPhone Replicates Your Kiss For The Person You're Talking To, Looks Horrible

George Koussouros is a freelance inventor, and he developed the KissPhone.

The KissPhone detects percussion speed, pressure, temperature, and sucking force of the lips, when you kiss it. An artificial mouth on the KissPhone receptor can reproduces same parameters. So the customer is able to...
...send or receive kiss from distance,
...leave or receive a kiss in answering machine,
...repeat the kiss saved on the phone or
...relay it to other people,
...download or upload kiss in the web
...receive kiss from a kiss bank as the one from Madonna or from an imaginary Hero!

Company captures market because of distinctive concept and keeps market because of associated services and accessories.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Damn, how have I been living without a KissPhone for so long?" And the answer, my friends, is not easily. Unfortunately they only work if the people on both ends each have one. So I'm going to have to buy two. I really think these may take my long-distance relationship to the next level. That next level being my girlfriend cheating on me.

Kiss Phone detects intensity of virtual kisses [slipperybrick]

A big thanks to Cygnus, who doesn't need kissy phones to keep the ladies happy, for the tip

Dec 18 2007 Eyball Mini-Televisions Are Scary Looking

This conceptual Sony television was designed to excite all the senses instead of just vision. The idea is that you can hold the creepy little thing in your hand and since it's covered with fabric that'll do something to titillate the sense of touch (which it won’t). The audio would work its traditional magic on your ears, but there's nothing for the nose. What the hell? You've got a lot of nerve leaving out olfactory stimulation, Sony. That’s one of my favorites. I expected some new technology that created scents based on what was on television and then wafting them to your nose with a little fan. But noooooo, Sony is not that clever. Good thing I am. And good thing I just came out with a conceptual TV that excites all your senses. It does everything the Sony one does but mine rumbles at appropriate action on TV and has a smell maker. You steal that idea Sony and I'll sue the hell out of you. And by "sue the hell out of you" I mean send me a coupon for two 7-11 taquitos and a Slurpee and we'll call it even.

Sony Little TV Concept [boingboing]