Aug 17 2009 British Government Releases UFO Files
The British government, in an attempt to cleanse its fish and chip stained hands, has released previously confidential documents regarding little green men who come to stick things in your butt while you're sleeping (elves).
The National Archives on Monday released the government's complete file on the "Rendlesham Forest Incident" of December 1980, one of Britain's most famous UFO sightings.
Halt reported that two servicemen had noticed "unusual lights" about 3 a.m. in the woods outside the gates of RAF Woodbridge, a U.S. base in eastern England. He wrote that patrolmen sent to investigate saw "a strange glowing object" in the forest.The metallic, triangular object "illuminated the entire forest with a white light," he wrote.
The next day, investigators found depressions in the ground and unusual radiation readings. That night many personnel -- including Halt himself -- saw a pulsing "red sun-like light" in the trees that broke into five white objects and disappeared.
I mean, is it not common knowledge by now that aliens exist. Because if they didn't, where did *rummaging around in ass* THIS come from?!? And no, this isn't just a television antennae with aluminum foil wrapped around it. Okay, so maybe it is. Still, there's something else in there, I can feel it...
...
...
...a dinosaur toy -- I've been looking for that!
Britain publishes more UFO files, but few answers [yahoonews]
Thanks to Brad, who once slept with an alien chick and didn't even bother phoning her home the next day. Bad form, Brad.
May 5 2009 Sap Cap Is Actually A Weapon In Disguise
The Sap Cap is no ordinary headwear. Oh no, the baseball hat actually has a pocket of "unique impact material that is 110% the density of lead and will not rust" sewn into the back. Granted it's no Oddjob razor hat, but may do in a pinch (also: your clumsy ass would probably cut your own arm off with an Oddjob hat). Just remove the cap, hold by the brim, and proceed to brain your opponent. Now call me old fashioned, but I still prefer a sock full of quarters. Not only is it a lethal weapon, but you can also pay strangers' expired parking meters. But not too many! Lest you find yourself wielding an empty sock. Which, as I'm sure you all know, is only effective for beating yourself. BOOM SHACKA LACKA!
Apr 16 2009 Faceless Watch Lacks Face, Hides LEDs
The LED watch was designed by Hironao Tsuboi and appears to just be a metal band. But it's actually hiding a deep, dark secret: it once ran over a bum and didn't stop! Or, LEDs. Push a button, BOOM: the time. Don't push the button, BOOM: no time. Push my buttons, BOOM: fisticuffs.
Hit the jump for another picture.
Apr 10 2009 Mmmm, Brain-y: A Darth Vader Coffee Mug
I'm sure this isn't the first Darth Vader coffee mug, but it is the first I've seen with a removable cap that keeps your morning cocktail hidden from the prying eyes and noses of non-alcoholic coworkers.
Let Darth Vader watch over your coffee as you drink deeply from the dark side with the Dark Lord of the Sith! This attractive (and oh-so-shiny) black ceramic mug holds 24-ounces of your favorite beverage, but what's really special is that it features a removable helmet that keeps your drink from getting cold too quickly. Vader will use the Force to guard and keep it at the proper temperature.
The mug costs $17 and could only be cooler if it had a misshapen ceramic head inside that was slowly revealed as you drink your morning apéritif. And speaking of which -- I think the secretary is on to me. God, mind your own business, sugartits!
Thanks to Don Chi Chi's, who once drank jungle juice out of Vader's real helmet at a party and then threw up.
Mar 11 2009 Lincoln's Pocketwatch Contained Secret Message, Secret Not So Secret Anymore
Apparently a watchmaker who was repairing President Lincoln's watch on the day gunfire broke out at Fort Sumter, SC (sparking the civil war), secretly immortalized the day by engraving a note inside Lincoln's pocketwatch.
The engraving, by watchmaker Jonathan Dillon, is dated April 13, 1861, and reads in part: "Fort Sumpter was attacked by the rebels" and "thank God we have a government."
Forty-five years later, Dillon the watchmaker told The New York Times that he was repairing Lincoln's watch when he heard that the first shots of the Civil War had been fired.Dillon said he unscrewed the dial of the watch and used a sharp instrument to mark the historic day on the president's watch. He told the newspaper that, as far as he knew, no one had ever seen the inscription.
The National Museum of American History agreed to open the watch to see if the inscription was there after being contacted by Dillon's grandson. And lo and behold -- there she blew! Apparently Lincoln never knew about it -- probably because he was too busy chopping down cherry trees. Am I right? What do you mean, "that was Washington?" Carver? I thought he was the peanut guy.
Museum finds "secret" message in Lincoln's watch [reuters]
Thanks to NTF, who found a hidden message in her Tokyoflash. It read "Made in Japan".
Mar 5 2009 Wait, Where'd He Go?: Urban Camoflauge
There's a robot war to be fought, and regular camo simply won't do. Enter Urban Camouflage, a new kind of outwear that keeps you safe and hidden from a robot's lifeless stare. Urban camouflage comes in three different styles: boxes, bags, and, um, file folders or something. Hit the jump to see them all. Then make your own and practice hiding. LOOK OUT -- ROBOT BEHIND YOU! Haha -- not really, but I wanted you to realize the importance of the situation. Now go change your pants and make some camo.
Hit it for the rest and a link to a much larger gallery.
Feb 27 2009 Aha!: The Secret To Google Street View
You ever wonder how those Google Street cars are covering the world's roads so quickly? Hyperdrive, baby, hyperdrive. CLICK CLICK VROOM VROOM!
Google Maps
Thanks to kulow, who discovered the worm hole searching for directions to Jimmy John's. Subs so fast you'll freak, mmmm.
Feb 17 2009 Fail: Two Nuclear Subs Crash Into Each Other
In an unprecedented subbing fail, a British nuclear sub recently crashed into a French one. I've got the feeling somebody swerved out of their lane (read: the Frenchies, they're suckers for red wine).
Officials said the low-speed crash did not damage the vessels' nuclear reactors or missiles or cause radiation to leak. But anti-nuclear groups said it was still a frightening reminder of the risks posed by submarines prowling the oceans powered by radioactive material and bristling with nuclear weapons.
France said that Le Triomphant suffered damage to a sonar dome -- where navigation and detection equipment is stored -- and limped home to its base on L'Ile Longue on France's western tip. HMS Vanguard returned to a submarine base in Scotland with visible dents and scrapes, the BBC reported.
Just as I feared, they're making these stealth subs too stealthy. Next thing you know somebody's going to run into the Lock Ness Monster and kill poor Nessy. And, when it happens (and it will), we will finally know the truth: how delicious is monster BBQ?
British, French nuclear subs collide in Atlantic [yahoonews]
Thanks to Totex, who once caught a nuclear sub trying to sneak up the drain into his bathtub. And to Kyle, who once called Poseidon a bitch and lived to tell about it.
