Nov 20 2009 NSFW NSFW: WTF DID I JUST WATCH?! SERIOUSLY, W.T.F. DID I JUST WATCH?!

WARNING: NSFW VIDEO IS NSFW

This is the highly, highly, HIGHLY NSFW music video for the Flair's 'Truckers Delight'. I can't even begin to describe to you how dirty I felt after watching it. Unless you've ever swam in pig shit and then showered in vomit afterward. In which case, Jesus, join another pool.

Youtube

Thanks Smee and Kaerus, I'll split my therapist's bills between the two of you.

Oct 15 2009 UPDATE: 6-Year Old (NOT) Floating Around In Homemade UFO Balloon

That's no 'Get Well' balloon, that's a 20' foil aircraft with a 6-year old boy inside, floating aimlessly 8,000 feet above eastern Colorado. Uh-oh.

The helium balloon was tethered to the boy's family home in Fort Collins, the Larimer County Sheriff's Department said. The boy got into the craft Thursday morning and undid the rope anchoring it.

Margie Martinez of the Weld County Sheriff's Office said a sibling saw the boy climb into the basket before the balloon took off. Since the door on the balloon was unlocked, Martinez said it's possible the boy had fallen out.

"The structure at the bottom of the balloon that the boy is in is made of extremely thin plywood and won't withstand any kind of a crash at all," said Erik Nilsson, Larimer County emergency manager, according to CNN affiliate KMGH.

Great, so he either fell out or won't survive the crash. Hooray for positive thinking. Come back down safely, balloon boy.

UPDATE: No boy when balloon landed. Not good.

UPDATE UPDATE: Falcon (the boy's actual name) was found hiding in a box in the garage attic (great search effort). This calls for celebration! (you hold him down, I'll tie on the fireworks)

6-year-old Colorado boy floats away in balloon [cnn]

Thanks to Jimmothy, stacy, jordana, dorothy, NICKSTER, rya, Jake, e.,The Superficial Writer, steven, Nigel, Valhalla, Lizzie, Noah and pepe la PEW PEW, whose parents thankfully never let them play around giant UFO balloons unsupervised.

Oct 13 2009 Power Wheels Modded Into Halo Warthog

I was never allowed to have a Power Wheels growing up because my parents were too afraid I'd back over my own head, but that's neither here not there, it's just one of the reasons I have parent issues. Anyway, some lucky tyke's father went and modded his to look like a Warthog from Halo. Sweet!

Fortunately, thanks to the folks at Bungie, we're all that much more knowledgeable about the DIY Power Wheels modder set. All it took was one M12 Light Reconnaissance Vehicle--better known as the Warthog--fashioned from the guts of a Power Wheels miniature truck--a "very used 2001 G3740 Street Scene Silverado," according to its creator.

That creator, flux83, has done a capable job of turning that Silverado into a teeny-tiny Warthog that looks to seat a maximum of two wee Spartans.

OMG how different my life would've been if only I'd had a Warthog Power Wheels growing up! I probably would have been popular in school and maybe even had a girlfriend. And you know what having a girlfriend means! Nagging, LOTS of nagging. Oooooh, swift burn to the ladies!

Hit the jump to see a video of the awesomeness in action and a link to the build page.

Continue Reading " Power Wheels Modded Into Halo Warthog "

Oct 12 2009 Kill It With Fire!: A Robotic Talking Piano

This is a piano, which, through the use of the black magic and robotics, is able to speak in one of the scariest voices I've ever heard. Well, besides the one that comes attached to the figure that sneaks into my room at night and tells me to write dirty things on the internet. I think it's my uncle!

Youtube

Thanks to J.D., Rodger and Alexandra, who are already planning to push this thing out a window.

Oct 11 2009 Topless Asian Man Busts Moves/Shows Off His Neo-Geo Collection (Plus Bare Ass!)

NOTE: Double shot of bare ass at 1:24 and 1:28. You can't get that at Starbucks!

This is a video of some crazed Asian man dancing his ass off while displaying some of rarer Neo-Geo titles in his collection. It's by far one of the most disturbing things I've seen, but I can't help but watch it again and again. It has something to do with the way he dances, which is technically amazing. You can't learn those moves in gym class! I don't care how many times you offer to stay after school and help pick up the orange cones.

NSFW: Topless Weirdo Shows Off His Neo-Geo Collection [kotaku]

Thanks to Aisha, who once danced the devil under the table and then stole the bitch's horns. Nice, I want to wear them!

Sep 23 2009 Yikes!: Pee Wee's Playhouse Action Figures

Just looking at this $140 set of action figures makes me question what the hell my parents were thinking letting me watch such a wack-ass program as a child (I suspect they were thinking "booze time!"). I mean, it's pretty amazing I still turned out alright. Somebody, anybody, back me up here.

The 80's classic Pee-Wee's Playhouse is back with this line of action figures. The case of 14 pieces includes the following characters: 6x Pee Wee Herman, 3x Cowboy Curtis, 3x Miss Yvonne, 1x Pterri, and 1x Puppetland (Subject to change). These figures are highly detailed and must have for any Pee-Wee fan. Comes in retro-packaging to further the retro feel.

Product Site
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Pee Wee's Playhouse Action Figure Case [walyou]

Sep 22 2009 Toy Teaches Children About Life And Death

Now I'm not saying this is the best way to explain to your daughter what happened to Mr. Fluffernutter, I'm just saying I can't think of a better one. Your parents: be thankful I'm not one of them. EXCEPT I TOTALLY AM. Your other father and I made you!

Picture

Thanks to Yopoleo, who made has never run over anything but the time limit when giving an acceptance speech.

Jul 29 2009 Honey, I'm Gonna Need That Ring Back: Nano-diamonds May Help Heal Wounds

Seen here is Dr. Manhattan's conception a nano-diamond attracting insulin to help a wound heal quicker. Neat, but I'd still douse it with Blue # 1 just to be on the safe side.

Northwestern University scientist Dean Ho and his team discovered that nanodiamonds are very attractive to insulin, best know for helping regulate blood sugar. Insulin, however, can also accelerate healing processes and stave off infection in wound sites, according to Ho:

Insulin accelerates wound healing by acting as a growth hormone. It encourages skin cells to proliferate and divide, restores blood flow to the wound, suppresses inflammation and fights infection.

Nice, but I can't even get my insurance to cover regular bandages at the doctor, so I can pretty much forget about DIABANDAGES©. Haha -- pay me, suckers!

Diamonds Are A Wound's Best Friend [io9]

Thanks to Tank and Totex, who once shot up emeralds and died. Don't do precious stones, kids.

Jun 19 2009 Wow, Just Wow: NES Controller Scarification

Link is possibly NSFW depending on how your boss feels about vomit on your keyboard. GRAPHIC: LOOK AT YOUR OWN RISK.

After the jump you will find a picture of BME member Metal_Games, who had the likeness of a NES controller cut into the back of his leg AND THEN THE SKIN REMOVED. Hey, different strokes for different folks. I like freestyle.

The stencil went on, and we were ready to go. Starting with the lines, the pain wasn't half as bad as I'd expected. In fact, it was a breeze for the most part. It took Jeffrey, the artist, about 20 minutes to cut all the lines. A couple of deep breaths, and we went straight on to removing the skin...

Fun fact: it took me five smelling salts to write this post.

Hit it if you dare.

Continue Reading " Wow, Just Wow: NES Controller Scarification "

Jun 14 2009 Childhood Fears Recreated As Photographs

Joshua Hoffine is a photographer who recreates scenes of childhood fears. They are scary.

My images are not photoshop collages.I use photoshop to finesse details and to adjust color and contrast for printing.I use friends and family members as actors and crew.Everyone works for free. We do it for fun.

Wow -- I know one guy who's gonna be sleeping with his light on tonight. His fleshlight. God, I can't believe I even know what that is. No, no I'm not.

Hit the jump for several of my favorites, then hit the link for a bunch more.

Continue Reading " Childhood Fears Recreated As Photographs "

Apr 27 2009 Devil Worshipping Mega Fail: The Satanist Star I Cut Into My Arm

This is definitely NOT how you pledge your allegiance to the dark lord. You show up at the Pit of Eternal Damnation with this thing on your arm and a bunch of imps are just gonna laugh at you and then take turns packing your asshole full of hot charcoals. Just sayin', tsssssssssss.

I Cut the Satan Star Into My Arm! [youthink]

Thanks to Yopoleo, who once beat the devil in a fiddling contest and never received his golden violin prize. I warned you, Yopoleo, you can't trust that horned bastard.

Apr 15 2009 6-Year Old Finds Pron On New PSP, Cries

A six-year old found a bunch of nudey pictures on the PSP his mother purchased for him from Walmart and got all upset about it and cried to his mommy.

Tamatha said she found a memory card inside the PSP containing hundreds of pornographic pictures. She claimed it's not hers and it was in the PSP before she opened the box.

She then called the store wanting to speak with a manager about the problem. "I explained the situation and his response was, 'well, bring the machine down and we'll let your son pick out a new game,'" she said. "And I was like, no I don't think you heard what I said."

Tamatha is demanding a new gaming system, apology, and written promise her son won't grow up to be gay. Good luck with that Tamatha, but I've got news for you: he's been that way since birth. I mean, he cried when he saw a naked woman. What? Well, yeah, but I only do it sometimes.

Mom Finds Porn on New PSP [myfoxboston]

Thanks to Chris and Asiantom, who would have felt like they just won the fapping lottery.

Mar 12 2009 Superman: Perhaps A Little Too Strong

Been there. Was not super.

Action Comics Fail [failblog]

Feb 18 2009 eBay Fear Factor: Pay Some Guy To Follow You Around Dressed Up As A Scary Clown

Here at Anticlown Media we hate clowns. With a passion. Unbridled passion. The kind you make love to a beautiful woman with. Or your hand. But, for those of you that weren't arguably fondled by Binky at your sister's birthday party, you can pay to have some creep dressed as a clown follow you around for three days and scare you.

Afraid of Clowns? Ever see a movie with a creepy clown and get scared to death? Believe it or not, there are people out there who like to be scared. This idea came to me when a friend mentioned they love scary movies and the thrill it gives them. This auction is for a 3 day thrill ride through your greatest fear! ~CLOWNS~!!!! I will dress up as a clown and scare you for 3 days STRAIGHT, everywhere you go, I will follow, dressed as a clown. When you least expect it - BOOM!!! There I'll be to creeper you out! This is something you will only want to experience once. LIVE your SCARIEST MOVIE SCENES! Included in this auction, is my travel expenses to wherever you live to give you 3 days of creepy, clowny excitement! BID NOW AND EXPERIENCE this once in a lifetime Thrill.... Are you Brave Enough? *This is meant for entertainment purposes only, no harm will come to you from this, just scariest thrill of a lifetime! Live a haunted house come to life for 3 entire days.

I'll tell you one thing: if a clown jumps out from behind a telephone pole while I'm walking to work he's gonna get his own size 30 shoved up his ass. Probably by someone tougher than me. Because I'll probably cry and run into traffic.

eBay Auction

Thanks to Jason, who's not afraid to admit he's afraid of clowns and really short people.

Feb 17 2009 I Need A Rx!: Pill May Help Erase Memories

Finally, doctors are developing a pill that can help erase bad memories. Yes! Take two and forget to call me in the morning.

The method, using existing blood pressure pills, could be useful for weakening or erasing bad memories in people with post-traumatic stress disorder, the researchers say.

Some ethicists see problems, question whether such treatments begin to alter what it means to be human.

There's apparently a natural way to rid yourself of bad memories, too. A 2007 study involving brain scans found that test subjects had the ability to suppress specific memories at a particular moment in time through repeated practice.

First of all, is ethicist a paying position? I may want to apply. Secondly, there's an even more natural way of erasing memories -- it's called binge drinking. Unfortunately, it hasn't been working for me lately. So, let's get down to the brass tacks: how many pills do I need to erase nine years?

Pill May Be Able to Erase Bad Memories [aolnews]

Thanks to Dave, who's still trying to forget about the girl he woke up next to. Dave, that's your wife, man.

Dec 18 2008 Gory Macabre: The Perfect Baby Shower Gift

Oh man, I love these. And unicorns really do spear little forest creatures like that, it's true. I've seen 'em do it with my own two eyes. Well, one eye -- one of those f***ers got me! Sadly, this awesomeness isn't for sale, which is a crying shame. Because gory macabre animals are the perfect way to let your kids you love them. Just not enough to not scar them for life. Sleep tight little ones! Haha, no nightlight tonight -- the goblins were complaining. And also, no sneaking out of bed -- the floor turns to acid when I leave the room. Kisses!

Hit the jump for some larger pictures of my favorites.

Continue Reading " Gory Macabre: The Perfect Baby Shower Gift "

Nov 4 2008 Move Over Hot Or Not: A Digital Face Analyzer

BAPA (Balanced Angular and Proportional Analysis) Web is a web-based facial analyzer that apparently determines if a person is attractive or not (for a fee). You know, based on balanced angular and proportional analysis. So if you have big lips and tiny eyes, you're screwed. If you have chiseled features and a wicked scar from a bar fight like I do, you're in. As long as the programmers were smart enough to take badass scars into consideration. Oh shit, and eyepatches. Also, I burnt my good eyebrow off cooking ramen the other night. I'm gonna go ahead and use a picture from a few years back.

UPDATE: The computer's smoking -- it's a sign!

UPDATE: The computer caught fire -- things are looking good!

UDPATE: The computer exploded -- I'm ugly :(

Product Page

Thanks to Antonia, who doesn't need a program to tell her she's smoking hot.

Oct 24 2008 Almost Transformers, Almost Funny

Almost Transformers is a skit by Australian comedians Merrick and Rosso in which they don refrigerator and clothes dryer costumes and try to scare people walking by. I thought it was okay. Out of four stars I give it Pluto.

Youtube

Thanks to Roberto, who needs no transformation to be devilishly handsome.

Oct 2 2008 Aaaaaaah!: Scary Ass Robot Girl

This is a robot girl named Repliee R-1. She's an android built by Osaka University and based on an actual 5-year old girl. And I think I speak for everyone when I say they chose their model pretty freaking poorly.

Liveleak

Thanks to Firuz, Tytus, Jake, and Justin, who all agree the only good robot is -- wait, there are no good robots.

Sep 25 2008 This Is Where Babies Come From

They just crawl out the end of this thing.

Note: Possibly NSFW depending on your employer's "watching videos of kids crawling out the end of a giant inflatable pecker" policy.

Youtube

Thanks to Romeo and Stephanie, who both agree a giant vagina would have been much more appropriate.